I was a slave to chardonnay

SUMMErpage two bottle

Pouty & alluring Pierre Gerbais is down to earth but knows how to have a good time. Whether you spy him on the red carpet or the supermarket, you’ll always get a dose of his bubbly personality.

Likes: Hand harvesting.

Hates: Bottomless Mimosas.

In 2008 sommelier and owner of New York’s Terrior Wine Bar, Paul Grieco, set out a mission to pour Riesling into as many mouths as possible during the 94 days of summer. He called this The Summer of Riesling. Paul’s infatuation with racy acid and heavenly flavor has eleven years later turned into a movement that we are proud to support. If you hate Riesling after getting drunk off your mom’s shitty Blue Nun when you were 13 years old (and throwing up on your Star Wars pillow case), now is the time to get-the-fuck-over-it and start getting cozy with the most delicious wines on earth.

From unique glass pours and bottle offerings to winemaker and importer hangs, we are your conduit into the Summer of Riesling. If you want to dance with the divine devil, ask your somm for details and get ready for the mouth party.

If you don’t think you like Riesling, consider this summer rehab... we’ll lead you through the 12 steps of pleasure to get you to the happy place.

If you already like Riesling, consider this summer prehab... we’ll have enough offerings that you’ll need some recovery time come fall.

of

riesling

HOOD RIVER, Ore. -- In an exclusive Skype interview, reporter Nate Ready asked the Prince of Darkness himself if he is behind the sinister sulfites that deter many citizens from enjoying their Barolos and Sauvignon Blancs fully. After a small guffaw, the Devil responded: “Honestly sulfites are a natural by-product of winemaking. I mean the excessive use can get out of hand but there are more sulfites on your french fries or dried apricot than in your Chardonnay. For a while I took credit for the headaches and stuffy sinuses but even then it’s just not evil enough. I have a reputation to uphold. Right now my researchers are developing evil LaCroix flavors, not Pinot Noir pain.” Wine aficionado Scott Schultz commented: “I suppose the headaches could be from one of the other 200 chemical additives allowed in the winemaking process, but I’m still going to ask for sulfite-free wines at restaurants.” Our reporter was about to ask about the Devil’s successful deployment of the electric scooter but the connection was lost.

Interview with The devil:"Sulfites aren't that bad"

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WWN: What sort of wines are you bringing in?JOAN: “Mostly ironic wines. Boxed Rose, White Zinfandel, sale wines from King Soopers. You know, stuff you can’t find at other natural wine bars.”

NR: “I noticed you’ve rid of all your stemware, what are you using for wine glasses?”JOAN: “super-soakers”

WWN: “I see. There you have it. Joan of Arc Wine Bar, thanks for your time.”

We interviewed Joan Kelley of Arc Wine Bar on her rebranding of her business.

WWN: “So how do you plan on rebranding your wine bar towards the millennial clientele?”

JOAN: “It starts with speaking the same lingo. We realized they didn’t resonate with descriptors like medium-minus acid-ity, so we started saying, “work-from-home acid-ity” when describing a softer wine.

WWN: It’s hard to ig-nore that 12 ft statue of a 3-Headed Minotaur with a sign that reads “NO TALKING!” Can you ex-plain?”JOAN: Yes. We noticed

our clientele didn’t really like interacting with each other anyway, so this rule allows them to concentrate on their phone without feeling shame.

N at u r a l W i n e B a R R e b r a n d s T O F O C U S O N

'Millennials

Others in the Bay Area Michelin starred restaurant community are elated at this development. Earlier this year an influential Master Sommelier stated that the natural wine movement was “the Fox News of wine”. Upon hearing this prophecy come true, elite sommeliers in fine suits chest-bumped in celebration and the clanging of tastevin were heard in every corner of the city.

Two notable conservative personalities from Fox News have teamed up to acquire the famed natural wine house Le Club des Vieux Garçons, in Marin County California, sending shock waves across the small coastal arts com-munity. With assets of Le Club valued at over $12 mil-lion dollars, the property includes a two acre biodynam-ic farm, a 380 square foot wine cellar and a carport with a "pretty sweet vintage english tractor parked under-neath” according to local business broker Kasper Waldorf.

Fearing a cultural shift, many residents of Bolinas have tak-en a firm stance against accepting the newcomers. “Does anyone else see how wrong this is?” huffed local coffee shop owner Shelton Peaberry. “These guys don’t even Ins-ta - how on earth are they going to keep it natty up there if they don’t even know how to apply a Gingham filter?”

Not all residents have been as hostile about the move how-ever. A neighboring viticulturist and winemaker (who re-quested to remain anonymous) was optimistic after meet-ing the new owners. “Sure, we come from different sides of the aisle with different stances on using pesticides and fertilizers, but we spent some good time chilling with those Fox News dudes and at the end of the day they’re just folks like us who like to pull corks and pop some pills”.

T u c k e r Ca r ls o n a n d S e a n H a n n i t Y F R O M F ox N e ws P u r c h as e P o p u l a r N at u r a l W i n e E s tat e i n CA

You’ll spend the summer months busier than ever as you manage some major changes in your life. Don’t let

your impatience get the better of you. Find a wine that’s ready to drink now, low in tannins, fruit forward, and

enjoyable without the delay of swirling to let it breathe. Aries doesn’t have time for that this summer.

With Saturn moving into the area of your chart that connects you with home and family, you’re feeling the

heavier responsibilities at home. Avoid the temptation to change up too much, that renovation project

should wait for a time when you won’t be stretched so far. Instead, change up your wine drinking to something new.

A fresh new varietal is just the thing to help you cope with your home-life obligations.

Your summer horoscope has two tales to tell. First, with Mercury turning retrograde, you need to avoid the po-

tential for miscommunications. Second, with Mercury aligned with our communications and social life, expect

affection and fun to abound when you let your social side rule your summer plans. Choose a wine that complements

your fun side and is easy to pronounce so that you avoid any miscommunications when ordering a second glass.

You’ve spend winter and spring learning some personal lessons. Celebrate emerging on the other side of these

changes by splurging on the things that you really want. Curious about that Salon Champagne, this is the summer

to treat yo self. Be cautious though, late in the summer you’ll have the urge to purchase things you don’t really need.

Say no to that fruit jam of the month subscription and say yes to the wines that will expand your appreciation for life.

All those lessons that Cancer-people have been learning for the last six months are now headed your way with

Saturn, Venus, and Mercury in your sign this summer. You’re likely to be seeking more harmony in your rela-

tionships and can expect at least one relationship to take a serious turn. Find a wine that displays the harmony in the

glass that you’re craving in person. Share a glass with a friend, see where it goes from there.

Like some wines, you’ve been a little closed off lately. It’s ok to feel more at peace alone this month. Use the time

to reflect and evaluate. You have some big projects on the horizon toward the end of summer, so enjoy this

peace and quiet while you can. Find a wine that makes you think a bit more deeply and that you can stare into while

avoiding eye contact with those around you.

HOROSCOPE

Saturn is moving into the area of your chart that controls your career and public image. Your ambitions are about to pay off favor-

ably, especially with people in authority. Take this summer as an opportunity to grow your professional and public life, but be cau-

tious to find balance with your love life as well. Plan a date to make sure your loved ones know you appreciate them even in the midst

of your growing fame. Share a special bottle together to show that you still appreciate the support they give you behind the scenes.

You are craving some wider horizons this summer, whether through travel or increased educational opportuni-

ties. It’s a good idea to finalize the travel plans before Mercury turns retrograde on July 23rd or you’ll be faced

with some obstacles along the way. Consider balancing long journeys with simple excursions. Take your mouth on

vacation with an exotic bottle of wine from a destination that you won’t make it to this year.

A relationship that has been tested by new responsibilities over the past few months while either blossom or be

discarded this summer. If you share resources or finances with this person, it might become troublesome to

determine who pays for what. Be the bigger person and pick up the tab, knowing that resourceful Capricorn will see

that their financial karma pays off. Buy a glass of wine for yourself and for your friends.

This summer, Saturn moves out from the area of your chart connected with work and health. Any hard work

that you’ve put into these areas can now be enjoyed. Less discipline is required from you during the summer

months. When Saturn is in the new moon, a close relationship will blossom for you. Set the mood by picking a sultry

wine, because for Aquarius, it’s going to be a hot summer and it’s not just the weather.

Venus is encouraging you to indulge this summer. Work will become tedious and take second place to the

enjoyment of good friends, good food, and good wine. Persevere through the responsibilities and reward

yourself with a good glass of wine frequently. Your efforts might not be immediately recognized, but your dedication

will payoff in the long run. Drink well and drink often this summer.

This summer is a time of social success for you. While you’re likely to be taking on additional responsibilities,

you’ll be building the teams around you that allow for these opportunities to be full of success. Spend your social

time productively, leave the gossip behind and instead press for some real action among your peers. Find a wine that

means business this month, share it with your team or your boss, and see the fruits of your efforts begin to ferment.

by COUNTESS nicole

By the time you read this, everything could be completely different. All wines subject to the whims of the somms, the universe and the people who drank before you. Some juice might be gone, some juice might not be listed. It’s always a good idea to pick the somm’s brain to get the lay of the land. Wines are listed lightest to fullest.

Pet NAtsDavide Vignato Frizzante Garganega Veneto, IT 15 38Subject to Change ‘Party Monster’ Carignan Mendocino, CA 49Cruse Wine Co. St. Laurent Carneros, CA, USA 63‘18 Hauts-Baigneux Spontané Rosé Syrah+ Rhone / Loire, FR 15 38‘18 Brand Pet Nat Rosé [1500ml] Pinot Noir + Pfalz, GR 137

Miracle juice givesCONFIDENCE & PLEASURE

‘14 Cedric Bouchard Presle Pinot Noir Champagne, FR 189May Georges Cremant de Loire Chenin+ Loire Valley, FR 14 44Laherte Ultradition [375ml] Pinot Meunier + Champagne, FR 51Laherte Ultradition Brut Rosé Pinot Meunier + Champagne, FR 88Louis Nicaise Pinot Noir+ Champagne, FR 24 73Bereche & Fils Brut Reserve Chardonnay+ Champagne, FR 88Billecart Salmon Rosé [375ml] Chardonnay+ Champagne, FR 85Nyetimber Brut Chardonnay+ Sussex, EN 112Georges Laval Chardonnay+ Champagne, FR 160Val de Mer Rosé Pinot Noir Burgundy, FR 18 46Pierre Gerbais Extra Brut [1500ml] Chardonnay+ Champagne 220Pierre Gerbais Extra Brut [375ml] Chardonnay+ Champagne 64Jaques Lassaigne Colline Inspirée Chardonnay Champagne, FR 152Salon Chardonnay Champagne 630

bubbles

‘17 Davide Vignato Garganega Veneto, IT 10 28‘16 Thibaud Boudignon Chenin Blanc Loire Valley, FR 58 ‘18 Chateau La Rame Sauvignon Blanc Bordeaux, FR 15 38‘17 Secateurs Chenin Blanc Swaartland, SA 12 29‘17 Peter Lauer Barrel X Riesling Saar, GR 44 ‘17 Terres Dorees Chardonnay Beaujolais, FR 32 ‘17 Guiberteau Les Moulins Chenin Blanc Loire Valley, FR 73 ‘17 Forge Riesling NY, USA 38 ‘18 Solomon Undhof Grüner Veltliner Niederösterreich, AU 9 25 ‘18 Finca Parera ‘Clar’ Xarel-lo+ Penedes, SP 14 35‘17 Alberto Giacobbe Duchessa Passerina Lazio, IT 38‘18 Francois Cazin Cheverny Savignon Rose+ Loire, FR 35‘18 Ovum Big Salt Gewurztraminer + Newburg, OR 30‘18 Jolie Laide Melon de Bourgogne Sonoma, CA 45‘18 Dirty & Rowdy Familiar Blanc Semillon+ CA, USA 54‘17 Vincent Dancer Bourgogne Blanc Chardonnay Burgundy, FR 75‘18 Jolie Laide Pinot Gris Sonoma, CA 50‘16 Forlorn Hope Queen of the Sierra Albariño + Calaveras County, CA 39 ‘18 La Marea Albariño Monterey, CA 14 36‘15 Scribe Chardonnay Sonoma, CA 51

white

‘18 Manuel Michelini “Plop!” Semillon Tupungato, AR 11 26‘17 Viña Gonzales Bastias Naranjo Moscatel Rosado+ Maule Valley, CH 19 48‘18 Dirty & Rowdy Semillon Napa, CA 47‘12 Radikon Oslavje Ribolla Friuli, IT 148‘17 Vignai da Duline Malvasia Friuli, IT 78‘18 Troon Riesling Applegate Valley, OR 16 40

ORANGE

‘18 Moulin de Gassac [1500ml] Syrah + Languedoc, FR 10 50‘18 Aix [1500ml] Grenache + Provence, FR 12 70‘18 Aix [3000ml] Grenache + Provence, FR 169‘17 Fenouillet Ventoux Rosé Grenache+ Rhone Valley, FR 9 23

rose-

red‘18 Pierre Cotton Les Grilles 1500ml Gamay Beaujolais, FR 138‘17 Lapierre Julienas Gamay Beaujolais, FR 63‘15 Jack Rabbit Hill M&N Pinot Meunier + Hotchkiss, CO 17 50‘15 Foillard Morgon Corcelette Gamay Beaujolais, FR 91‘18 Noble Riot ‘Noir-Crossed Lovers’ Pinot Noir, Corvina San Benito County, CA 15 42‘15 Dom. Simon Bize Aux Guettes Pinot Noir Burgundy, FR 206 ‘18 Subject to Change ‘Wild Child’ Carignan Mendocino, CA 18 49‘15 Jean Foillard Eponym Gamay Beaujolais, FR 96 ‘16 Dom. Sylvain Pataille Clos du Roy Pinot Noir Burgundy, FR 175 ‘15 Dom. Sylvain Pataille Ancestrale Pinot Noir Burgundy, FR 260‘17 Elio Altare Barbera Piedmont, IT 42‘15 Poggerino Chianti Classico Sangiovese Tuscany, IT 45‘17 Vincent Dancer 1er Cru Montrevenots Pinot Noir Burgundy, FR 125‘15 Evesham Wood Mahonia Pinot Noir Willamette Valley, OR 68‘16 Bodegas Viña Somoza ‘Via XVIII’ Mencia + Galicia, SP 46‘16 Domaine Giacometti Nielluccio Patrimonio, Corsica 38‘16 Foradori Teroldego Rotaliano Teroldego Trentino-Alto Adige, IT 21 53‘16 Foradori Sgarzon Teroldego Trentino-Alto Adige, IT 88

‘16 Foradori Granato Teroldego Trentino-Alto Adige, IT 130‘07 Vall Llach Idus Carinena+ Priorat, SP 108‘17 Chateau Yvonne Cabernet Franc Loire, FR 43‘18 From the Tank Rouge [3000ml] Grenache+ Rhone, FR 7 60‘14 Brezza Barolo Nebbiolo Piedmont, IT 91‘16 Occhipinti Siccagno Nero d’Avola Sicily, IT 88‘16 Monte Rio Cellars Syrah North Coast, CA 50‘15 PAX Griffin’s Lair Syrah Sonoma, CA 125‘15 PAX Castelli Ranch Syrah Sonoma, CA 125 ‘18 Roto Cabernet Maule Valley, CH 9 21‘17 Château de La Font du Loup Grenache Chateauneuf du Pape, FR 75‘16 Di Costanzo ‘DI CO’ Cabernet Napa, CA 97‘17 Avignonesi Cantoloro Sangiovese + Tuscany, IT 12 29‘17 Cara Sur Bonarda-ish Calingasta Valley, AR 14 41‘12 Finca Adalgisa 1500ml Malbec Mendoza, AR 150‘14 Pontet Canet Cabernet+ Bourdeaux, FR 242‘98 Chateau Musar Cabernet+ Bekaa Valley, LEB 140

NOT WINERare Wine Co. ‘Charleston’ Sercial Madeira 9Rare Wine Co. ‘New York’ Malmsey Madeira 9El Maestro Sierra Sherry Oloroso Jerez, SP 9El Maestro Sierry Sherry Pedro Ximinez Jerez, SP 9Orleans Sherry Manzanilla Andalucía, SP 6

Bilaro Amaro Sebastopol, CA 11Averna Amaro Sicily, IT 8Caperitif Vermouth South Africa 8

Jack Rabbit Hill New Avalon Cider Hotchkiss, CO 13Cocktail 11Beer 7

Topo Chico Mineral Water 750ml Mexico 5

Sexy Bread Service $6 Cultured Butter, Powdered Duck Fat, Honey

Canned Sardines $8House Crackers, Lemon, Seasonal Compound Butter

Salad Of Arugula & Quinoa Vegetarian / Gluten Free $16Quinoa, Arugula, Radish, Cherry Tomato, Mint, Basil, Pistachio, Parmigiano Reggiano

Daily House Dip (ask somm for details) Vegetarian $13Served with: Crudité, Pickled Vegetable, House Made Pita

Daily Tartare* (ask somm for details) $16Served with: Blackberry Mostarda, Aioli, Preserved Lemon, House Crackers

Daily Rillette $14Toasted Bread, Balsamic-Fig Mostarda

Venison Meatballs $16Harissa Marinara, Fresh Goat Ricotta, Mint

*Consuming raw or undercooked foods may increase your risk of food-borne illness

The RIOT DIET can save your marriage!

When in DOUBT eatCHEESE & MEAT

Three Selections - $17 Five Selections - $25 Seven Selections - $32with: Toasted Bread & House Crackers, Balsamic-Fig Mostarda

Add Gluten Free Bread: $3

Olive Medley Kalamata, Castelvetrano & Manzanilla

House Spiced Nuts Peanut, Cashew & Almond

House Made Goat & Cow Ricotta - Nocturne - Denver, Colorado Organic Goat & Cow MilkFresh, Semi-Soft, Citrusy Zing

Haystack Mountain, Snowdrop - Longmont, Colorado Pasteurized Goat MilkSurface-Ripened, Clean, Grassy, Soft (at times slightly oozy)

Saint Angel - Massif du Pilat, France Pasteurized Cow MilkCreamy, Soft-ripened bloomy-rind Triple-Cream. Creamy and Delicate

Midnight Moon - Holland Pasteurized Goat MilkDense, Nutty, Brown-Butter, Caramel

Beemster, Paradiso Gouda - Holland Pasteurized Cow MilkHard/Crumbly, Dense Crystalized, Sweet, Lightly Salty, Nutty Finish

Blue d’Auvergne - Auvergne, France Cow MilkCreamy Blue, Rich, Buttery, Mildly Sharp Spicy

House-Cured Smoked Salmon - Nocturne - Denver, Colorado Lightly Spiced & Silky

Chicken Liver Madeira Pâté - Nocturne - Denver, Colorado Dense, Lucious & Earthy

Black Truffle Berkshire Pork Salami - Angel’s Salumi - Los Angeles, California French Style, Light Umami

Wild Boar Saucisson - Fabrique Delices, Hayward, California Gently Funky & Peppery

Duck Prosciutto - Angel’s Salumi - Los Angeles, California Sexy, Rich & Decadent

WHat to do until your date shows

upThe Noble Riot “Noir-Crossed Lovers” is a Corvina/Pinot Noir blend from San Benito County, which is east of Monterey within the Central Coast, where old German and French farmers planted vines back in the 70’s. These organic vineyards produce such strong, healthy fruit that Bryan opts not to use S02, as it would only put the wine to sleep. The grapes were vinified separately in stainless steel tanks without yeast inoculation…or any additions for that matter. This blend is a perfect example of Byran’s vision for wine - light, fresh, alive, and most importantly – intriguing.

The two grapes, often found in two close but distinct regions in Northern Italy, are almost never blended together. We like to imagine them as lovers separated by history and family, finally brought together in the glass. They are very similar in personality, too, both showing tart cherry and herb notes and light color. We look forward to enjoying this marriage as long as we can!

NOBLE RIOT’S PRIVATE LABEL

WINE

ABOUT OUR SERVICE FEE

Most of the staff of food & beverage establishments choose that work because they’re passionate about hospitality or cooking or wine or a flexible schedule and, especially for support and kitchen staff, not because they make a great wage. In an effort to more equally distribute the money that comes in, to diversify our staff and ensure we support our own staff the way we aim to support the growers and winemakers we praise. We tack on a 19% service fee on every bill in place of gratuity out of decency

and fairness.

CHARDONNAY HAD ITS WAY WITH MEMeursault, France -- Resident Francois Mikulski, having just es-caped the cellar where he was held, told a story of desperation, passion and minerality. Held for ten to twelve months in neu-tral barrels, Mikulski says the normally taciturn Chardonnay just seemed to turn on him in early fall. “The grape bunch used me as its plaything, before ultimately holding me captive then running away.” It isn’t clear if this was a revenge act, but Mikulski, who only uses organic grapes and natural yeasts couldn’t be further from a abusive winemaker. Still after this whole ordeal, he resolves to continue making wines purely and treating his grapes with care. “It may only take one bad apple to spoil a whole barrel, but I think these grapes were just misunderstood.”

Dead Nanna is a Wine Snob!When poor Nanna Bertie passed away last year, her grand-daughter Amelie was grief-stricken. As a way to cope, Amelie drank a glass or two of her favorite wines and thought about the times she shared with her dear grandma. Occasionally she’d leave some in her glass as she went to bed, only to wake up and find the remainder gone! But soon after, only certain sips would go missing while others would be knocked to the floor. A seance revealed that snobbish Bertie was showing her distaste for Amelie’s taste in vino. So no more Pinot Noir for her. Nor any Chenin Blanc or Nebbiolo. It’s only Merlot for grandma. Although she misses some of her old favorites, she’s happy to share a little with her family in any way she can.

NOBLE RIOT1336 27th St.

Denver, CO 80205nobleriot.com@noble_riot

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