Christmas Is Not Here

By

Dorian Bartecki

Based on my uncle who when i was 5 showed me how to use teabags

INTRO GAG

Game on TV - snowboarding down a mountain they jump and landon a Santa Claus laying belly up, as the snowboarder landson his belly a magical path out of his mouth and asnowboarder rides on it to the clouds, then it says bonuslevel and they have to collect xd energy drinks.

Then when frank crashes through the roof snow starts to fallthrough the hole and Franks mum comes up and say I aintcleaning that. Then it continues as normal. (maybe add snowand change the font to a more Christmasy).

INT. FRANK AND MARIO HOUSE - DAY

Frank wakes up in his bed and looks to the wall where he hasa calendar it says its 23 of December and a note that saysArcade Miracle.

Frank rushes out of the bed to wake up Mario.

Frank is now in the corridor.

FRANK(shouts)

Mario! Mario!

A door to Mario room open. Mario gets out half a sleep.

MARIOWhats going on?

FRANK(excited)

Guess what day it is?

MARIOThursday?

FRANKYeah, but also its 23rd ofDecember. You know what thatmeans.(frank puts hands by hismouth in excitement).

MARIOMagic Arcade!

FRANKHell yeah Magic Arcade. Come on getdressed and lets go to ArcadePalace!

2.

Frank goes down stairs. Mario gets out of his room alreadydressed and looks at him self confused, why did frank tellhim to get dressed.

INT. ARCADE PALACE

establishing shot of the arcade palace.

Frank and Mario enter the arcade. JESSICA is sitting by thebar, waiting for frank. Frank and Mario pass her by.

JESSICAHi, frank!

Frank looks at Jessica but doesnt recognise her.

FRANK(confused)

Hi. You?

Jessica smiles. Frank continues to walk.

FRANK(whisper to Mario)

Hey do you know her?

MARIONo you?

FRANKOw yeah I would ask you if I knew.(to himself) How does she know myname.

Frank and Mario walk up to the gathering of 4 people by anempty space.

FRANKHey, did we miss it?

RANDOM GUY 1No, but it should be here anyminute.

FRANKIm so excited, I believe this yearIll finally get on the top 10, andget a gift.

RANDOM GUY 2Ha, theres no way youll even geton the top 100, look at the amountof people here already.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

Frank looks around and sees only 4 people not counting himand Mario.

FRANK(disappointed)

Thats true.

MARIOHey well win, maybe not you frankbut if I win Ill share the giftwith you.

FRANKIt wont be the same, Ive got towin it myself. The biggest problemis you only get one chance, andonly once a year, and there is nohome version to practise on, Iseriously dont get how are peopleso good at this.

MARIOIts just luck. But hey this yearwe remember more that we did lastyear. Well definitely do better.

FRANKOw boy I hope so. I always wantedto get a gift on the 25th ofDecember from that arcade since Iwas 3.

MARIOCan you image how it must have beenwhen the arcade showed up for thefirst time?

FRANKThat must have been just mindblowing, but my mind cant reallyexplain it logically.

RANDOM GUY 2Whats so hard to understand, amagical arcade shows up out ofnowhere only on the 23rd ofDecember around 12pm and only 100people get can play it but they allonly get one chance, and the top 10people on the leaderboard get giftsnext to their beds at midnight onthe 25th of December, and the restget a note with a "game over!"written on it. Very simple.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

FRANK(sceptical)

Yeah. (nods his head)

RANDOM GAL 1(excited)

Hey guys look its coming!

RANDOM GUY 3(crossed arms)

Theres way to many girls thisyear. Its slowly becoming a chickfest. Its not what it use to be.

A snow starts falling from the celling, a purple voidappears on the wall, a giant hand reaches out of there andplaces a plant pot on the ground, goes back and brings awatering can and waters the plant.

The plant grows into a phlox peppermint bliss which afterfully grown folds all of his petals upwards and creates amouth and start to spit something and a square shape isgoing up from the pot through the stem and out the flower.

What lands is a red present wrapped in a white ribbon. Thehand come back again and takes the plant, then it comes backand opens the gift.

Once opened an arcade that resembles Santa Claus comes outof it.

Everyone cheers and claps.

RANDOM GUY 3(happy tears)

Every year, it gets me.

FRANKNow that was amazing! (claps)

The hand gives a thumbs up and goes away, the void closes.

The screen on the arcade lights up. Loading Percentage showsup, going very slow.

MARIODude, its almost here. Are youready?

FRANKAs ready as Ill ever be. (thumbsup to the camera).

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

MARIOWhat are you doing?

FRANKA catchphrase?

MARIOJust stop ok.

FRANKOk.

Jessica comes up to Frank.

JESSICAHi, frank.

FRANKHi. (pause) Sorry I dont know yourname.

JESSICAOw its alright, Im Jessica.

FRANKWell nice to meet to you Jessica,Im Frank, well you actually knowthat. Im not going to lie Imconfused do I know you? Im reallysorry if I dont remember you.

JESSICAOh no dont worry, well we use togo to school together.

FRANKWell Im sorry I dont rememberyou, Mario do you remember Jessicafrom school?

MARIOWe grew up in different citiesFrank.

FRANKOw yeah I keep forgetting. (turnsto Jessica) So what brings youhere?

JESSICAI just wanted to wish you goodluck. I hope you win this year.

Jessica hugs frank and goes away.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

FRANK(confused)

Thanks, and bye? (turns to Mario)Was it me or is she like so into,that guy behind me?

MARIOWhat are you talking about?

FRANKWell she just hugged me to get acloser look at the guy behind me.

MARIO(confused)

I dont think thats what she did.

FRANKWell I dont know what it is butIm full of this weird energy, Ifeel like Im definitely going towin this year. (to him self) Idont know why but when she washere I didnt worry, not even onebit, maybe except what I will say,strange.

The Arcade has loaded. Random Guy 1 comes up to play it.

He finished playing, get out excited.

RANDOM GUY 1(full of him self)

I feel like I did really good, noones gonna top my score.

Random Guy 2 goes up next. He finishes and top the previousguys score.

RANDOM GUY 2Beat that!

RANDOM GUY 1Pss, Im still in the top 10.

A guy and girl play after (quick montage of them winning).Frank is next up.

FRANK(to him self)

Okay I can do this, Ive beenwaiting all year for this, Ive gotto do it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

Frank starts the game. He starts playing.

FRANKOkay jump here punch that guy,collect this, fall down for thesecret. Jump here, collect that,okay remember that guy hit him, nowjump here. Okay this is where Idied last time, all I got to do istime my jumps right and Ill defeathim.

Frank manages to get to the last hit, to defeat a mini boss,but fails and dies (in-game). Game over screen appears.Frank gets on 5th place.

FRANK(devastated)

Okay 5th place isnt that bad Imean Im still in the top 10, andthere isnt that many people, Imgood.

Frank turns around to see a giant line of people.

FRANK(swallows spit)

Its over.

Mario comes up to frank.

MARIOYou okay?

FRANKI didnt do to well, and look atthe line Im not going to win.

MARIOHey who knows maybe the all areterrible.

FRANKI dont think so.

MARIOOkay its my turn, wish me luck.

Frank looks devastated and scared.

Mario plays and get on 2nd place.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

MARIOYes, look at that, 2nd place!

Grabs frank and puts his face to the screen. Frank walks offdepressed.

MARIOHey, frank you ok? Sorry aboutthat, I just got to excited. Heyfrank wait!

Mario runs after Frank.

INT. ARCADE PALACE BAR

Frank sits by the bar.

BARTENDERWhat can I get you?

FRANKPurple XD with lemon.

BARTENDERComing right up.

Mario sits down next to frank.

MARIOFrank sorry about what I did. Comeon talk to me whats up?

Bartender gives frank the drink in glass.

BARTENDERHere you go.

FRANKThanks.

Frank grabs the drink and has sip through a straw.

MARIOFrank, talk to me!

FRANKI dont want to, everything is justfalling apart.

MARIOYou know its not until 2004.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

FRANKYeah, I know.

MARIOYoure not angry that I did a forthwall.

FRANKWho cares, all that I cared abouttoday has been taken away from me,

MARIOHey, you know we cant continuethis depressing talk without astupid joke every now and then.

FRANKLook Ive waited whole year to playthis game and get on the top 10 tofinally receive my gift, dont Ideserve it?

MARIOOf course you do, and hey yourestill on top 10 lets just hopethey all wont beat your score.

Guy in background screams.

GUY 1Hey look at that Ive just loweredthe score of that guy by the bar toplace nr 7.

Guy 1 comes up to frank by the bar.

GUY 1Hey looser did you hear me? Ivejust reduced your chance ofreceiving a gift this year, Owyeah.

Guy does a random victory dance and walks off.

MARIOOkay, maybe not all of them suckbut you still have 3 places.

A guy 1 brings a baby in his hands.

GUY 1Hey loser, do you see this kid? Hejust beaten your score, ow yeah nr8 loser.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

Guy 1 Throws the baby, and walks off.

BABYIm okay.

MARIOYou know what, I think we shouldleave this place that guy 1 is soannoying.

FRANKOkay this is starting to getannoying, 2 I could bear but 3?!

MARIOYes, hes back. (pause) Do youtheyll get it thou?

FRANKThrust me they will. (smiles intothe camera)

Frank and Mario leave arcade palace. Guy 1 comes after theyleft with a duck.

GUY 1Where did he go? I just wanted totell him something that this duckdid.

EXT. PARK

Frank and Mario sit down on a bench in a park, Mario get 2cans of xd out of the bag. They both open the cans andrelax.

MARIOLife is good, two friends sittingon a bench in park drinking somexds.

FRANKYeah life is not so bad, I guess.

Gilly passes by.

FRANKHi gilly!

GILLYHi guys, what are you doing here, Ithought both of you would be in thearcade palace.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

FRANKWe were but I lost so I had toleave.

GILLYOw that sucks.

FRANKDo you wanna join us?

GILLYHaha (laugh out loud), look whatthat squirrel just done itshilarious.

Frank and Mario turn around but the camera doesnt.

GILLYIts too late youve missed it, butthat was the funniest thing ever.Thank you for the offer, but I haveto go, theres a fish in my houseIve got to take care off. Ill seeyou guys later.

FRANKBye.

MARIOWhat should we do now?

FRANKI dont know, I dont feel likedoing anything.

MARIOI know lets go visit fatso.

FRANKWhy?

MARIOExactly.

MARIOOkay.

Mario gets up, Frank after him.

12.

INT. FATSO APARTMENT

Fatso is looking for something, his house is mess.

Frank and Mario enter.

FATSOIts got to be here somewhere.

FRANKHey Fatso what are you doing?

FATSOOw hi guys, Im just looking my ROMcapturing machine.

FRANKWhat is that?

FATSOIts a little machine that shouldhelp me get the Magic Arcade rom,so I can try to emulate it and thensell it to any one who wants tolearn the game and master it, nextyear when it comes they can get onthe top 10.

FRANK(hopeful)

Can you actually do that?

FATSOTheoretically everything ispossible.

FRANKMario were looking for that thing.

MARIOOkay!

Frank and Mario go and help Fatso looking for the capturemachine.

Frank finds the capture machine underneath fatso chair.

FRANKIve found it.

FATSOOkay, thats great now lets go tothe arcade palace.

13.

INT. ARCADE PALACE

Frank, Mario and Fatso enter the door like bad asses. Peoplelook confused.

Fatso comes up to the arcade from the side, he tries to openit up to get inside and plug his machine. Guy 1 comes up tofrank holding a duck.

GUY 1Hey you where did you go, I wantedto show you what this duck did.

FRANKI know it beat score.

GUY 1No look.

Duck makes a crocked face and spits a loaf of bread, whilemaking a strange sound.

DUCK(makes a strange and unusualnoise)

bwahhahwahad!

Frank looks confused. The piece of bread that the duck threwup landed on the arcade and started playing and it got onthe top 10. Then the bread fell down on the floor.

GUY 1Wow, I cant believe it, even aduck beat your score. Haha. Loser!

Guy 1 throws the duck.

DUCKQuack!

Fatso is now inside the arcade and inside there is purplepresent which has cables coming from it to the top. Fatsounwraps the gift, the lights go out. Fatso gets out.

The arcade is starting to shake.

FRANKWhat did you do?

FATSO(confused)

Not sure.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.

BG PERSON 1(confused)

Whats going on?

BG PERSON 2(paranoid)

I dont wanna die!

BG PERSON 3(faint)

Wheres my toast?

The arcade suddenly gets legs and arms, it gets up and jumpsinto the wall behind and makes a hole. The hole becomes aportal which sucks in Frank, Mario and Fatso. The portalcloses. The lights turn back on.

BG PERSON 4Woa, that was strange.

INT. PORTAL - TEMPLE

Frank, Mario and Fatso are flying through an psychedelicwarp tunnel, few moments later they land on snow temple.

Frank, Mario and Fatso look up they admire the temple.Letters show up on the screen spelling letter by letter"LOCATION: UNKNOWN".

Frank and Mario look at fatso with anger.

FRANKLook what you did Fatso.

FATSOHey its not me.

MARIOOf course not, then why are wehere?

FATSOI dont know let me eat something.

Fatso gets a sandwich form underneath him, and has a bite.

FRANKShould we go inside?

MARIOI guess, what else is there?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

FRANKCome on Fatso were going inside.

Frank, Mario and Fatso walk up the stairs and inside.

INT. TEMPLE

Frank, Mario and Fatso walk into the temple the roof hasholes in it through which light come in. Its a giant roomat which the end there is a stand with a mother board fromthe arcade.

FRANKHey look is that the arcade gameboard. Lets go and get it.

Frank start to walk to it. And stops mid way.

FRANKWait, Im stupid, an unguardedboard in a mysterious temple. AndIm running with my shoe lacesundone.

Frank kneels down to do his shoe laces to realise, hedoesnt have shoe laces.

MARIOFrank! Come back here its probablya trap.

FRANKWhat? A crab? No Mario its anarcade board.

MARIONo Frank! Its a T-R-A-P, trap.

FRANKYou know I cant spell right? WaitIll come over to you and you tellme there.

Frank comes back Mario and Fatso.

The ground starts shaking, they try not to loose thebalance, the ground cracks open and a giant Santa arcademachine with arms and legs comes out. Its floating in theair.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

SANTA ARCADEHello there. Im Antas Ages, andyou are trying to cheat your way toreceive gifts. (sucking clickingnoise?) oh no no, not on my watch!

FRANKWe wouldnt have to do that, ifmore than 10 people could get them,its not fair!

SANTA ARCADENot fair? To receive something goodyouve got to earn it, youve gotto show that you want it. Theresno rewards for losers! Youve gotto understand the concept ofwinning! (screams)

Santa Arcade summons a giant arm (from the beginning).

SANTA ARCADEPrepare to be destroyed, losers!

FRANKThis just got scary.

Frank looks at Mario.

FRANKOkay, are you ready, lets defeatthis giant piece of ancienttechnology.

SANTA ARCADEMuhahaha (strong laugh). Take this!

The arm tries to hit frank but he jumps away just in time,landing on his body on the floor.

Frank gets up, runs a finger under his nose.

FRANKOkay, you wanna fight lets fight.Mario! Run to the right Ill run tothe left, hell cant hit us bothat the same time.

Frank starts running, so does Mario on the other side, thehand keeps teleporting and trying to hit frank and Mariochanging between them after each it, they all evade hisattacks. They get up to him and he grabs them bothseparately with his hand and lifts them.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

Frank and Mario are struggling.

SANTA ARCADESo you thought I wouldnt catchyou, you make me laugh haha (stronglaugh). Im going to crush you!

Santa Arcade is about to crash Frank and Mario when asandwich hits the screen/face of the arcade.

Santa Arcade looks down. Fatso is sitting in his chair.

FATSOHey you forgot about me!

SANTA ARCADEOw no I didnt.

The hand teleports behind fatso and his him from the back.He flies in the air. He crashes thought and out the arcadebelly. While crashing through he pulls the cables to turnhim off. He flies through and crashes.

Santa Arcade loses control, he drops frank and Mario. Theboth land on the floor, and watch what happens.

SANTA ARCADEHa! This is nothing but a scratch,you still havent destroyed mybrain.

FRANKBrain? (thinks for a bit) Thearcade board. Mario lets go to theboard and lets destroy it!

MARIOOkay!

Frank and Mario run to the arcade board which is behind theSanta arcade. They grab it.

SANTA ARCADENo! not my brain!

FRANKOkay no we have to brake it.

Frank tries to bend it, but its too hard, Mario grabs it.

MARIOGive it to me youre weak.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

FRANKGive it to me.

Frank grabs it.

FRANKHey you big piece of wood! You wantthis come and get it!

SANTA ARCADEAs you wish!

The hand teleports in front of frank. Frank uses the boardas shield so the hand will hit the board and break it. Thehand hits the board. The board splits and light startscoming out of it.

SANTA ARCADENo!

Santa arcade is slowly breaking.

SANTA ARCADEWell I guess youve won this time.Ill see you again next year!

He explodes and disappears. The board is still breaking,frank drops it, both him and Mario run up to fatso to see ifhes okay. Fatso is laying side in his chair holding cablesin his hand which slowly fade.

FRANKFatso are you alright?

FATSO(cough)

I think, lift me up.

Frank and Mario lift the chair with Fatso up.

MARIODamn youre heavy.

FATSO(cough)

Its not me its the chair itsmade from the finest oak.

FRANKSure it is!

They get him right way up.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

FATSOHow are we going to get out ofhere?

FRANKI dont know.

Mario notices the board breaking and creating a portal.

MARIOHey look guys a portal.

FRANKHow do we know it will take ushome?

MARIODo you know any other way out?

Theres a fire exit door behind frank, with a note on thewall next to it saying "back to arcade palace"

FRANKBesides the fire exit with a signthat says back to arcade palacedoor behind us no.

MARIOExactly lets go.

They all jump in the portal, and it closes.They go through a warp tunnel back to arcade palace.

INT. ARCADE PALACE

A portal appears on the wall. Frank, Mario and Fatso landback into the arcade palace through a portal.

People surround them. Jessica runs up close through thecrowd, but doesnt come up to frank because she doesnt wantto give away her crush from him. The portal closes.

Frank, Mario and Fatso get up. Frank grabs his head.

FRANKWhat just happened, did we getback?

MARIOWow that was, something.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

BG GUY 1Hey wheres the arcade, I had a topscore, I want my gift.

CROWD(angry)

Yeah, wheres the arcade?!

FRANKThanks for you concern, were allalright.

Frank, Mario and Fatso move away. Another portal opens upbehind them.

FRANKHey whats that?

A hand puts a new arcade back in the place. With a note.Frank grabs the note.

FRANK(reads note)

You cant destroy something youcant beat. Good luck!

Arcade machine turns on the high score list shows up andthem a message appears, saying "reset". Then the machinere-boots and the high score list is empty.

FATSOHey all the scores are gone, Iguess Frank you have anotherchance.

BG GUY 2Hey Im not playing again Im notgoing to be as good as I wasbefore.

FRANK(excited)

Ow yes, this time Im going to thetop.

Frank plays with excitement.

21.

INT. ARCADE PALACE BAR

Frank sits and drinks an XD. Mario is sitting next to him.

MARIOSo you lost again, hey next yearyoull win!

FRANK(sips)

Nah I give up this game is broken.

Fatso comes up.

FATSOHey Frank Ive just hear that someguy in china managed to capture therom from the arcade, if you want towe can fly there tomorrow and getso you can practice.

FRANKNah Im fine, its not worth it,Im just not good, and I accept it.

MARIOGood for you. So I no longer haveto feel bad when I get my gift forbeing 9th in the leaderboards.

FRANKWhatever, lets go home.

Frank gets up and is about to leave. Josie comes on thescreen.

JOSIE(bad acting)

Hey, Frank, How are you?

FRANK(bad acting)

Im okay.

JOSIE(normal)

Okay so do I get paid.

FRANKWell I guess now we have to payyou. Just speak to the most commonname guy in the credits.

Frank leaves.

22.

INT. FRANK AND MARIO HOUSE - NEXT DAY

Next day.

Frank wakes up with a note on his forehead saying "gameover". Frank grabs the note.

FRANKShh, I know, dont have to rub itin.

Frank gets up and goes to Mario.

INT. F&M HOUSE - MARIO ROOM

Frank enters the room. Mario is sitting on his bed with anopened box on his lap.

FRANKHey did you get it?

MARIO(disappointed)

Yeah.

FRANKWhat did you get?

Mario puts his hand in the box and pulls out vouchers.

MARIOAll I got was a couple of vouchersfor powdered water.

FRANKHaha, not going to lie, thisactually made my bad mood go away.

MARIOI know same, how did they know, Ihated drinking wet water. Its liketheyve read my mind.

FRANKWhat?

Doorbell is heard downstairs.

FRANKIm gonna go get that.

23.

INT. F&M HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Frank goes to open the door, Jessica is outside waiting witha gift in her hands.

FRANKHi, what are you doing here?

JESSICAHi, Frank, I was in theneighbourhood and I thought Iddrop this, I know you didnt get towin yesterday, so I though Id getyou a gift.

FRANKEh, Im actually glad I didnt win,all you get are some vouchers.

Jessica gives frank the gift, and hugs him. Frank isconfused but happy?

FRANKThank you. I dont have anythingfor you.

JESSICAIts okay, Im just happy thatyouve got something. Okay Ive gotto go, (shy wave) bye!

Jessica runs away.

FRANKHey wait, how did you know where Ilive?

Frank looks at the box and shakes it.

FRANK(curious)

Whats in this, I hope its notvouchers.

Frank opens the gift not revealing whats inside.

FRANKHow did she know? Thank you...(pause) ow damn I forgot her name.

24.

THE END