ContentsManifestoIntroductionChapter1:FoundationsHowtoUsetheGuideSettingGoalsforYourSocialSkillsJourneyOvercomingFearandSocialAnxietySocialAnxiety=PhysicalFearManipulationvs.TrueIntimacy

Chapter2:BodyLanguageComfort/Discomfort:TheCoreofBodyLanguageAFieldGuidetoComfortAFieldGuidetoDiscomfortUnderstandingBodyLanguageinContextYourBodyLanguage

Chapter3:ConversationTheSecretofConversationFlowInvitation:TheArtofGoodQuestionsInspiration:TheHeartbeatofGoodConversationInspirationinPracticeInvitationandInspirationinHarmonyBonus:TenEasyTipsforImprovingConversation

Chapter4:GroupConversationOpenandClosedGroupsJoiningGroupConversationsGroupConversationFlow

Chapter5:EmpathyUnderstandingYourselfUnderstandingOthersNonverbalEmpathy

Chapter6:MeetingPeopleFindingYourGroupEverydayConnections

Person-To-PersonConnectionsChapter7:MakingFriendsFindingGoodFriendsStartingaFriendshipDeepeningaNewFriendship

Chapter8:HowtoSupportYourFriendsSupportingFriendsintheMomentSupportingaFriendLongTermTakingCareofYourself

Chapter9:DatingHealthyRelationshipsDefinedHowtoHaveaHealthyRelationshipBeginningaRomanceFromFriendshiptoFirstKissBuildingaRelationshipWorthHavingSlowandSteady......WinsTheirHeart

Chapter10:HowtobeaGoodStorytellerHoldingInterestBuildingConnectionsASatisfyingConclusion

Chapter11:BestBlogPostsBetterEveryDayGiveit100FightBackTakeCareofYourselfandOthersTheCaseforSmallTalk3HobbiesthatTeachSocialSkillsHowtobeMoreSocialMakingGreatFirstImpressionswiththeNameGameHowtoMakeEyeContactOvercomingAnxiety:OneSimpleRule20SecondsofInsaneCourage

AbouttheAuthor

Manifesto

I

Ibelievethatyoudeserveaplacetobelong.

Ibelievethatyoudeserverelationshipswhereyoucanbeyourwholeself,yourrealself,theselfthatdoesn’thaveitallfiguredout,theselfthatmakesmistakes,theselfthathatesitselfsometimes.Ibelievethatyoudeservepeoplewhowillseeyourwholeselfandacceptyouwholeheartedly.

Ibelievethatwithinyouisthesparkofthedivine,thatyourscrewupsandyourbaggagedonothavethepowertodefineyou,thatnomatterwhatyouthinkofyourselfandnomatterthenamesthatothershavecalledyou,youareoverflowingwithbeautyandpassionandpotential.

Ibelievethatitisgoodthatyouarealive,andthatyourlifeisagifttothepeoplewholoveyouandtothepeoplewhohavenotmetyouyetbutwhowillloveyouoneday.

II

Ibelievethatyouwillfindpeoplewhowillhelpyoubelievethesethings,too.

Ibelievethatyouwillfindpeoplewhowillknowandloveallofyou,whowillknowyourscarsandhelpinyourhealing,whowillcounttheirrelationshipwithyouasoneoftheirmosttreasuredgifts.

Ibelievethatyouwillfindpeoplewhowillseetremendousbeautyinyou.

Ibelievetheywillhelpyouseeittoo.

III

Ibelievethatyouwillseetremendousbeautyinothers,andhelpthemseeittoo.

Ibelievethatyouwillspeakthewordsthatwillencouragesomeonenottogiveup,givethesmilethatwillbreakthroughsomeone’sdarkmood,betheshoulderforsomeonewhodesperatelyneedsasafeplacetocry.

Ibelieveyouwilllovepeoplesomuchithurts,andyouwillhelpthepeopleyoulovediscoverthebestofwhotheyare.

Ibelievethatyouwillseekthelonelyandoutcastandbeatruefriendtothem.

IV

Ibelievethateveryoneisworthfightingfor(includingyou.)Ibelieveweweremadetoloveourselvesandeachotherandlikewarriorswemustfightagainsteverythingthatholdsusbackfromthatlove.

IwroteImproveYourSocialSkillsbecauserelationshipsdon’thappenautomatically.Apathy,fear,awkwardness–allconspiretothwartconnection.Youhavetobepreparedtofightforyourrelationships.

Soweprepare.

Westudy.Wepractice.Wetrain.

Likeaswordsmanwhohasmasteredhisfootwork,welearntomovesmoothlyinconversation.Likeageneralreadstheterrain,welearntoreadsocialcuesandnonverbalsignals.Likeagrizzledveteran,wehavemadepeacewithourfear–andwedon’tletitholdusbackfromaction.

Nomatterwherewestart,wecangetbetter.Whethersocialbutterflyorsociallyawkward,westudy,wepractice,wetrain.

Daybyday,momentbymoment,welearnhowtobuildfriendshipsandhowtobeagoodfriendtoothers.Weknowournewskillswillhelpus–butmorethanthat,weknowthatourskillswillhelpusprotectothers.

Whenwereachoutwithlove,weprotectothersfromrejection,fromshame,fromhopelessness.Theimpactyoumakecanbeassmallasasmileandaslargeasasuicideaverted.

Inlove’sarmy,youwillbeamightywarrior.

V

Iwanttoliveinaworldwherenobodyfeelslikeareject.

Iwanttoliveinaworldwherenobodystandsalone.

Iwanttoliveinaworldwhereloveandacceptancemattermorethansuccessandpower.

Wedon’tliveinthatworld,forthemostpart.Butwecanhelpcreateit.

Youcanhelpcreateit.

Starttoday.

Introduction

ImproveYourSocialSkillsisacomprehensive,practicalguidetosocialskills.Itexplainsthecoreprinciplesofsocialinteractioninclear,easytofollowlessons.

IwroteImproveYourSocialSkillstobetheguideIdesperatelyneededduringmyownsocialstruggles.Growingup,Iwasthemostsociallyawkwardkidyouwouldeverhopetomeet.ButwhenIwasdiagnosedwithAsperger’sSyndromeinhighschool,Irealizedthatmysocialproblemswerecausedbyalackofsocialskills,notbysomeinherentflawinmycharacter.

Aftermydiagnosis,Istudiedsocialskillsformorethanadecade.OnJanuary1st,2012,IlaunchedImproveYourSocialSkills.comtosharewhatI'dlearnedwiththeworld.Hundredsofthousandsofpeoplevisitthesiteeveryyear,andtodayI'mproudtohelpanevenwideraudiencethroughtheImproveYourSocialSkillsbook.

Theguideyou'reabouttoreadisacompilationofthesocialprinciplesI'velearnedduringmylifetimeofpersonalsocialskillsstudy,aswellasthetechniquesIdevelopedwhileofferinghundredsofhoursofsocialskillscoaching.Itoffersdetailedblueprintsforbasicskillslikeconversationandbodylanguageindepth,andprovidesclearexplanationsforcomplextopicslikeempathy,makingfriends,anddating.

IwroteImproveYourSocialSkillstosharetheprinciplesthathavechangedmylife.Theseprinciplesledmetoalifefullofclosefriendship,satisfyingconnection,andtenderromance.IwroteImproveYourSocialSkillsbecauseIwanteveryonetohavethatkindoflife.

Ibelieveyoudeserveaplacetobelong.Ibelievethatyoucanlivealifefulltothebrimwithfriendship,connection,andlove.IwroteImproveYourSocialSkillstohelpyoubelieveit,too.

Chapter1:Foundations

WhenIwasincollege,IsignedupforaninternshipwithStudentsInternational,anorganizationthatworksamongthepoorintheDominicanRepublic.IwasassignedtotheconstructionoutreachwhereRudy,theDominicanconstructionleader,taughtmeagreatdealaboutbothconstructionandlife.

Oneday,afterwe’dspenthourspainstakinglylayingafoundationforahouseandmakingsureeverythingwasperfect,heturnedtomeandsaid,

“Wealwaysspendmoretimeonthefoundationbecausethefoundationiseverything.Ifthefoundationissolid,thehousewillbestrong.Ifthefoundationiscrooked,thehousewillbeflawed.It’sthesamethingwithyourlife—ifthefoundationofyourlifeisinsolidthings,youwillbestrong.Ifyousetyourfoundationincrookedthings,youwillcrumble.”

(HetalkedlikethatALLtheTIME.ItwaslikebuildinghouseswithYoda.)

IthinkRudywasontosomething.

Ifyoutakethetimetolayyourfoundationright,thenyouwillbesuccessfulinwhateveryou’rebuilding–whetherahouse,alife,orasetofsocialskills.

That’swhatthis“Foundations”sectionisabout.Iwroteittohelpyouthinkthroughthewaysocialskillsaffectyourownlife.Thisguideisaverypowerfultool,butbeforeyoupickupanytool,youneedtoknowwhatyou’retryingtobuild.Iknowyouareprobablyeagertogetstartedonthe“meat”oftheguide,buttrustme(or,ifyouprefer,trustRudy.)

Thefoundationmustcomefirst.

Foundationscontainsfourlessons:

HowtoUsetheGuide

Herearesomeguidelinestohelpyougetthemostoutoftheguide

SettingGoalsForYourSocialSkillsJourney

Whyareyoutryingtolearnsocialskills?Whatareyourgoals?Whathasyourhistorywithsocialskillsbeen?Whereareyou,andwhereareyougoing?

OvercomingFearAndSocialAnxiety

Socialinteractioncanbescary,andit’seasyforfeartoholdusback.Butitispossibletoovercomeyourfear,andinthissectionIshowyouhow.

Manipulationvs.TrueIntimacy

Someothersocialskillsgurusrecommendusingsocialskillstomanipulateothersintodoingwhatyouwant.Buttrulyfulfillingrelationshipsarebuiltontrustandrespect,notmanipulationanddeceit.

HowtoUsetheGuide

Youmayusetheguidehoweveryouseefit.Readtheentirethinginonesitting.Skiparoundtothesectionsthatinterestyoumost.Readitoutloudtoyourcat.Theworldistrulyyouroyster.

Butifyouwanttogetthemostoutoftheguide,Ihavesomeadviceforyou.

Readtheguideinorder.Thelaterchaptersreferenceconceptsfromearlierchaptersandcovermoreadvancedtopics.Itisparticularlyimportanttoreadinorderwithinchapters,sincethesectionsineachchapterbuilddirectlyononeanother.Youarewelcometoskiparoundallyoulike,butifyoufindthatacertainchapterorsectiondoesn’tmakesense,yourbestbetistogobackandreadwhatyoumissed.

Practicewhatyoulearn.Theonlywaytolearnhowtoapplytheprinciplesintheguidetotherealworldis,well,togetoutandapplythemtotherealworld.Sotakesometimeeverydaytopractice.WatchTVwiththesoundlowandstudythebodylanguageoftheactorsuntilyoucanrecognizecomfortanddiscomfort.Strikeupaconversationwithyourcoworkerandpracticemaintainingconversationalflow.Spendabitoftimeattheendofthedaytothinkthroughyoursocialskillsgoals.Pickasocialskillyouwanttomaster,andputinsometimeeverydaypracticingit.You’llfindyourselfrichlyrewarded.

Studyslowlybutconsistently.It’scertainlypossibletoflythroughtheentireguideinonesitting,butthere’salotofcontenttotakein.Giveyourselfthechancetoreallyabsorbeverythingyoucan.Irecommendabiteachday,readingasubsectionofachapterortwo,andthenmakingsuretopracticewhatyoureadduringtheday.

Don’tgoitalone!Askfriends,familyandmentorstohelpyouwithyoursocialskillsjourney.Yoursupportnetworkcanbeagreatsourceofadviceandencouragement.

Youshouldhavespecificgoalsinmindasyouworkthroughtheguide.Improvingyoursocialskillsjusttoimproveyoursocialskillsisgood,butit’shardtostaymotivatedifyoudon’thavecleargoals.Havingcleargoalsallowsyoutotrackyourprogresstowardsthatgoalandstaymotivated.

Supplementtheguidewithothersources.ImproveYourSocialSkillshasalotofgreatcontent,butthereareothersocialskillsresourcesthatcanbuildonwhatyoulearninImproveYourSocialSkills.Eventoday,IkeepaneyeoutforgreatsocialskillsbookssothatIcancontinuetolearnandgrowmyskills.I’vecompiledalistofsomeofthebestbooksonsocialskillsthatI’vefound,whichisagreatplacetostart.

Howeveryoudecidetousetheguide,rememberthatpracticeandpersistencearethetwobiggestkeystoyoursuccess.Bediligenttopracticethethingsyoulearn.Ifyoudo,youwillbewellonyourwaytosocialsuccess.

SettingGoalsforYourSocialSkillsJourney

Agoodfriendofminelikestoaskme,“Whereareyou,andwhereareyougoing?”

Heasksthisbecausehebelievesthatlifeisajourney.Thepersonyouwereyesterdayisdifferentthanthepersonyouwillbetomorrow,becausethepersonyouwereyesterdaywasnotshapedbytoday’sexperiences.Youwillchangeasyougothroughlife.

It’sinevitable.

Buthowyouchangeisuptoyou.

YouwillbechangedwhetheryouspendyourweekendwatchingTVorhelpingafamilybuildahome,butitisyourchoicethatdeterminesifyoupickuptheremoteorthehammer.Unfortunately,it’shardtomakethedecisiontochangeforthebetter.It’seasytoputoffabeneficialchangeuntillaterortogiveupassoonasthechangebecomesdifficult.

That’swhyit’simportanttoknowwhereyouareandwhereyou’regoing.Whenyoudon’t,it’sliketryingtomakealongjourneywithoutamap.Youwon’thavethefirstideaofhowtostart,andyouwon’tknowifyouaredrawingclosertoyourgoalorjustwalkingincircles.

Butifyouunderstandwhereyouareandwhereyouwanttogo,thenyoucandrawamap.Youcanplanforthejourneyandprepareyourselffortheobstaclesthatyoumightfacealongtheway.Thejourneymaystillbealongone,butyouknowyouwillnotgiveupbecauseyouarefocusedonyourdestination.

Insocialskills,knowingwhereyouaremeansthatyouunderstandyourcurrentsocialstrengthsandlimitations,andyouunderstandhowthosestrengthsandlimitationsaffectyourlife.Andknowingwhereyou’regoingmeansyouhaveaconcretesetofsocialgoals,aswellasaplanforreachingthosegoals.

Ihavesomequestionstohelpyoufindoutwhereyouareandwhereyou’regoing,andIencourageyoutothinkthroughthemindepth.Letthequestionsinspireyourthinking,anddon’tworrytoomuchabouthowyourespondtoeachquestion.Therearenorightorwronganswers;thequestionsareonlytheretoguideyourthinking.

Whereareyou?Whatareyoursocialstrengths?Socialstrengthsarethepositiveelementsyoubringtorelationshipsandsocialinteractions.Theycanbesocialskills,buttheydon’thavetobe.Beingloyaltoyourfriendsorhavingagenuinedesiretogettoknowothersbothcountassocialstrengths,eveniftheymightnotbesocialskills.

Thinkaboutthebestrelationshipsinyourlife.Thesemightbecurrentrelationshipsorrelationshipsfromyourpast.Whatwerethoserelationshipslike?Whatmadethoserelationshipssogood?Howdidthoserelationshipsaffectyourlife?

Howhaveyoutriedtoimproveyoursocialskillsinthepast?Havethosemethodsbeensuccessful?Ifso,whatmadethemsuccessful?Ifnot,whatwouldhelpyoubemoresuccessfulthistimearound?

Whatarethecurrentgapsinyoursocialskillsknowledge?Whataretheelementsofsocialinteractionthatyoudon’tunderstand,orthatyoustruggletodosuccessfully?

WhydidyoudecidetostartreadingImproveYourSocialSkills?

Whereareyougoing?Whatarethepracticalareasofsocialskillsthatyouwanttoimprove?Practicalskillsarethe“nutsandbolts”ofsocialinteraction.Theyincludestufflikemakingconversationsflowsmoothly,understandinghowotherpeoplearefeeling,andavoidingneedlessconflict.

Whatareyour“shortterm”goalsforsocialskills?Someexamplesmightbemakinganewfriend,havingafuntimeatasocialevent,ordeepeningyourrelationshipwithaspecificfriend.Thesearegoalsthatyouthinkcouldbeaccomplishedinthenextfewweeksormonths.

Whatareyourlongtermgoalsforsocialskills?Someexamplesmightbehavingsomeoneyouconsideraclosefriendorfeelingcompletelycomfortableinsocialsituations.

Whoarethepeoplewhocanaccompanyyouonyoursocialskillsjourney?Thesemightbefriends,familymembers,ormentorswhocanencourageyou,actasasoundingboard,orprovideasafeplacetopracticeyoursocialskills.

Whatisyourmotivationforembarkingonthisjourneyofsocialskillsimprovement?Howcanyouhelpyourselfstaymotivated,evenwhenthejourneybecomeshard?

Iencourageyoutowritedownyouranswerstothesequestionsandreturntothemonoccasionasyouprogressthroughtheguide.Asyourunderstandingofsocialskillsimproves,yourunderstandingofwhereyouareandwhereyouaregoingwillchangeaswell.Takethetimetoaskyourself“WhereamI,andwhereamIgoing?”everysooften,andyouwillmakesurethatyoukeepgrowingintherightdirection.

Also,rememberthatslowgrowthisstillgrowth.Itmighttakeyoualongtimetoaccomplishyourgoals,oreventoseeclearprogress.Butdon’tgiveup.Everytimeyoutrysomethingneworlearnanewskill,youaremakingprogress.Learningsocialskillsisajourney,notarace.Thespeedatwhichyouaccomplishyourgoalsisnotimportant;what’simportantisthatyoukeepjourneyingforward.

OvercomingFearandSocialAnxiety

I’llbehonest.

Socialinteractioncanbescary.

Whatifyoudon’tknowwhattosay?

Whatifyoudosomethingawkwardandpeoplelaughatyou?

Whatifyougetrejected?

Socialinteractionissupposedtobefun.Butwhenyouarestrugglingwithanxiety,it’shardtoenjoyspendingtimewithothers.

Fortunately,thereisawaytoovercomeyourfear.Youcan’tturnofffearentirely,butyoucankeepitfromcontrollingyou.

Todothis,youneedtounderstandthedifferencebetweentruefearandphysicalfear.

TrueFearvs.PhysicalFearTrueFearisagoodthing.It’syourbody’swayofwarningyouaboutdanger.Ifabearamblesintoyourcampsite,youwillfeelajoltofadrenaline,yourheartwillstartpounding,andyourbrainwillstartscreaming:THATISABEAR.Becauseofthisfear,youwilldropeverythingelsethatyou’redoingandworktoprotectyourself.Yourbodyusestruefeartokeepyousafefromrealdanger.

PhysicalFeariswhenyourbodyactivatesthefearresponseeventhoughthereisnorealdanger.Whenamonsterjumpsoutduringascarymovie,youmightexperiencetheexactsamephysicalresponsethatthebearinyourcampsitetriggered.Thedifferenceisthatwhileabearcanhurtyou,specialeffectscannot.

Yourbodydoesn’tunderstandthedifference.Butyoudo.Youcanenjoyascarymoviebecauseyouknowthedifferencebetweenaharmlessmoviemonsterandtherealdangerofabear.Andyoucanenjoysocialinteractionsbylearningtodistinguishbetweenphysicalfearandtruefear.

Thinkaboutitforaminute.

Yourfearinsocialinteractionsisalmostpurelyphysicalfear,nottruefear.Youmightbeafraidthatyouwilldoorsaysomethingawkward,orthatotherswon’tlikeyou,orthatothersmightjudgeyou.Butyouknowwhat?Probablynoneofthosethingswillhappen.Andevenifthatdoeshappens,it’sok.

Sayitwithme.It’sok.

SocialAnxiety=PhysicalFearIfyou’retalkingwithsomeoneandsaysomethingincrediblyawkward,whatwillhappen?Well,you’llfeelembarrassed.Theotherpersonmightbecomeupset,ortheymightlaughatyou.Butthenyou’llrecover.

Theconversationwillmoveontoadifferenttopic.Theotherpersonwillforgiveyourawkwardnessandwillsoonforgetitentirely.Worstcase,youwilltryagaininanewconversationwithsomeoneelse.

Norealharmisdone.Nobodywasmauledbyabear.

Socialinteractionissupposedtobefun,andfailureisnotabigdeal.Readthatagain.Failureisnotabigdeal.Ifyoumessupinonesocialinteraction,nopermanentharmwillbedone.Takeadeepbreath,remindyourselfthatnobodywasmauledbyabear,andgostrikeupaconversationwithsomeonenew.

Now,thereisanexceptiontothisrule.Ifyoudosomethingtoupsetoroffendsomeonewithwhomyouhavealong-termrelationship(likealongtimefriendoracoworker),thentheremayinfactberealconsequencessinceyoumightdamagetherelationship.Butyouhavetoseriouslyupsetoroffendsomeoneinordertocauselastingdamage,andifyouaremakinganefforttobesensitivetotheirfeelings,thatisunlikelytohappen.

Plus,normallyyourgreatestanxietyisnotcausedbythepeoplethatareclosetoyou;it’scausedbypeopleyoudon’tknowverywell.Whenyoudon’tknowsomeonewell,thereisnorelationshiptodamageandthereforenorealdanger.

FreedomfromFearSonexttimeyoufeelyouranxietypeakingatthethoughtofasocialinteraction,remindyourselfthatit’sonlyphysicalfear.Socialinteractioncan’treallyhurtyou(evenifyoumakeamistake.)

Iknowthisreminderwon’tmakethephysicalfeargoaway.Yourheartmightstillraceandyourpalmsmightstillsweat.Butyouwillhavethecouragetofacedownthatfear.

Ofcourse,overcomingfearisaprocess.Yourfearmightbeextremelypowerful,especiallyifyouhavesocialanxietydisorderorifyouhaveexperiencedpainfulbullyingandrejection.Andifthat’sthecase,it’sok.Idon’texpectanyonetoreadthislessonandinstantlybanishfear.

Instead,Ihopethislessonencouragesyoutotakesmallbutsteadystepsawayfromfear.Findagoalthatseemsscarybutdoable,anduseyourknowledgeoftruefearandphysicalfeartohelpyouaccomplishthatgoal.

Don’tworryifthefirsttimeyouattemptthegoalyoufail–remember,failureisnotabigdeal.Anddon’tfeelthatyouhavetoaccomplishthisonyourown.Ifpossible,askfamilyandfriendstosupportyouorfindasupportgrouptohelpyouonyourjourney.

(Ialsorecommendthatyouconsiderseeingaprofessionalcounselor.AsImentionelsewhere,counselorscanbeincrediblyhelpful,andthereisnoshameintalkingtoone.Ifyou’rereallyhurtingandyouneedtotalktosomeonerightnow,justcall1-800-442-HOPEandyouwillbeconnectedtoavolunteercounselor.)

Theimportantthingtorememberisthatanxietyissomethingyoucanovercome.Itwilltaketime,anditmaytakethesupportoffriends,counselors,andlovedones,butyoucanovercomeanxiety.Justtakesmallsteadystepstowardsyourgoal,andrememberthatnomatterwhatphysicalfearmightwantyoutobelieve,youdon’tneedtofearfailure.

Becourageous.

Manipulationvs.TrueIntimacy

So,awordonwhatI’mtryingtoaccomplishhere(andwhatI’mnot).

Mygoalhereistohelpyouhavedeep,fulfilling,authenticrelationshipsbygivingyouasolidfoundationinsocialskills.I’mnottryingtoteachyoueverythingthereistoknowaboutsocialskillsormakeyouintosomekindofsocialsuperhero.Ijustwantyoutohavetheskillsyouneedtobuildgreatrelationships.

Thingis,thoseskillscanbeusedforbadends.MartinLutherKingJrwasagreatorator,butsowasHitler.Thethoughtofusingsocialskillstodeceiveothersortomanipulatepeopleintogivingyouwhatyouwantcanbeveryseductive.

Andtherearelotsofsocialskills“gurus”outtherewhoteachamessageofmanipulationanddeceit.Theyclaimtoteachsocialskillssoyoucangainpowerandinfluence,convinceotherstodowhatyouwant,orseducewomen.

Thesemanipulation-basedsocialskillshavealotofpracticalproblems(mostofthetechniquesdon’twork,oronlyworkinafewlimitedinstances).What’smore,they’rejustplainwrong.

IbelievethatmostpeoplereadingthisguideareascommittedasIamtobuildingrelationshipsonafoundationoftrustandrespect,notmanipulationanddeceit.Ifthat’syou,thenyoucansafelyignorethissection.

Butforthosewhoaretemptedbythoughtsofmanipulation,awordofwarning.

TheDangerofManipulationTruefulfillingrelationshipsareALWAYSbuiltonmutualtrustandrespect.Ifyoumanipulatesomeone,youaredisrespectingthem,andyouwilldestroytheirtrustinyouassoonastheyfindout.Youmightbeabletogetwhatyouwantintheshorttermbyusingmanipulationanddeceit,butinthelongtermyouwillalwaysbefoundout.

Youwillnevergetthetrueintimacyyou’reseekingwithdeceit.

Soifyou’relookingtolearnhowtoinfluencepeopletodowhatyouwant,ortoseducewomen,ortocreateafalseimpressionofwhoyouaretofoolothers,myprogramhasnothingtoofferyou.

Buthere’sthething.Youdon’tneeddeceitormanipulation.ImproveYourSocialSkillsisbasedonthephilosophythatyoudon’tneedtochangewhoyouaretobelikedoraccepted.Ibelievethatifyouletpeoplegettoreallyknowyou,incrediblefriendshipsaregoingtohappen.Youdon’thavetotwistsomeone’sarmorfoolthemaboutwhoyouare.Youjustneedtogivethemthechancetoreallyknowyou.

It’struethatwhenyoudon’thavegoodsocialskills,it’shardtohavetheinteractionsthatallowotherstogettoknowyou.Butsocialskillscanbelearned(that’swhatthisguideisfor!).And

whenyouarenolongerheldbackbyalackofsocialskills,yourtrueselfwillshinethrough.

That’sworthworkingtowards.Don’tgiveup,anddon’tsettle.

Chapter2:BodyLanguage

Relationshipsarebuiltoncommunication.Isharewithyou,andyousharewithme.Whenwesharewitheachother,weunderstandeachotherbetter–whichgrowsourrelationshipdeeper.

Thetrickypartisthatalotofcommunicationisnon-verbal.ImightnotusewordstotellyouifIfeelupsetwithyou,butImightphysicallydrawbackfromyou–forinstance,bycrossingmyarms,anglingmyfeettowardsthedoor,oravoidingeyecontact.Ifyoudon’tcatchmyphysicalsignals,youmightnotrealizethatsomethingiswronguntilit’stoolate.

Evenifyouunderstandthebodylanguagesignalsotherpeoplearesending,youmightnotrealizewhatyourownbodyiscommunicating.Whenyourbodylanguageiscoldandstandoffish,peopleareunlikelytoapproachyou,evenifyouwantthemto.

Fortunately,it’seasytomakebodylanguageapositivepartofyourinteractions.Inthissectionoftheguide,Iwillwalkyouthroughthesimple,practicalprinciplesthatwillguideyoutoagreatunderstandingofbodylanguage.

BodyLanguagecontainsfivelessons:

ComfortandDiscomfort:TheOnlyTwoSignalsYouNeed

Pickupabookonbodylanguage,andyou’llbeconfrontedwithhundredsofpagesfilledwithdifferentbodylanguagesignals.Thehiddenmeaningsofeverypossiblemovement,glance,andnosescratchisexplainedinpainstakingdetail.Itmakesforinterestingreading,butit’snotverypracticaltomemorizehundredsofbodylanguagesignals.

Fortunately,there’sabetterway.There’sonlytwomajorbodylanguagesignalsthatyouneedtoknow:“Comfort”and“Discomfort.”Inthislesson,Iexplainhowtouseeachofthesesignalsinconversation.

AFieldGuidetoComfort

Thereareseveralbodylanguagesignalsthatindicatesomeoneisfeelingcomfortable.Inthislesson,Iteachyouhowtorecognizethemostcommoncomfortsignalsandexplainhowtorespond.

AFieldGuidetoDiscomfort

Muchlikecomfort,bodiesalsohaveseveralwaystosignalthatsomeoneisfeelinguncomfortable.Inthislesson,Iwalkyouthroughthemostcommondiscomfortsignalssoyouwillknowwhenyourpartnerisfeelinguncomfortable.

UnderstandingBodyLanguageinContext

Inordertorespondappropriatelytobodylanguageduringasocialinteraction,youneedtounderstandthecontextoftheinteraction.Thissectionteachesyouhowtorecognizekeysignalsfromcontextthathelpyoutorespondbettertobodylanguage.

YourBodyLanguage

Understandingthebodylanguageofothersisextremelyuseful,butyoualsoneedtounderstandthemessagesyourownbodylanguageissending.It’seasyforyourbodylanguageandyourwordstosendconflictingmessages,whichisarecipeformisunderstanding.Inthislesson,Ihelpyoumakesurethatyourbodyandyourwordsworktogether.

Comfort/Discomfort:TheCoreofBodyLanguage

Bodylanguagehelpsusunderstandoneanother.

Ifyouencounterafriendwhosebodylanguageshowssadness,youknowtoaskthemwhat'swrong.

Ifyoustarttotellastoryandyourfriend'sbodylanguageshowsinterest,youknowtokeeptalking.

It'susefulstuff.

Unfortunately,bodylanguageisverycomplex.Therearehundredsofdifferentsignalsourbodycansend,andunlessyouarePaulEkmanorarewillingtoputindecadesofwork,youcan'tlearnthemall.

Fortunately,youdon'tneedtolearnthemall.

Infact,thereareonlytwosignalsyouneedtolearn:"comfort"and"discomfort."

Comfortsignalstellyouthatthepersonisfeelinggood.Peoplegiveoffcomfortsignalswhentheylikethepersonthey'reinteractingwith,theyenjoytheircurrentactivityorinteraction,andthereisnothingtroublingthem.

Discomfortsignalstellyouthatsomethingiswrong.Peoplegiveoffdiscomfortsignalswhensomethingisbotheringthem,whenthey'renotfeelinghappy,orwhentheyarenotenjoyingtheircurrentactivityorinteraction.

RespondingtoComfortandDiscomfort

Comfortanddiscomfortsignalsarethecluesthattellyouhowyourpartnerisfeeling.Onceyouknowhowyourpartnerisfeeling,youknowhowtorespond.

Here'showitworks:

Thinkofthesesignalsasredlight/greenlight.Ifyou'repickingup"I'mfeelingcomfortable"messages,thenyou'vegotagreenlight.

Whenyougetagreenlight,yourjobissimplytorelaxandenjoytheinteraction.Keepaneyeoutincasetheirbodylanguagechangestodiscomfort,butotherwise,justrelaxandkeepdoingwhateveryouweredoing.

Ifyou'rereading"I'mnotcomfortable"signals,thenthat'saredlight(oratleast,ayellow"caution"light.)Whenyougetaredlight,yourjobistohelpyourconversationpartnerfeelmorecomfortable.Trytolearnwhatcausedthemtofeeluncomfortableandseeifyoucanremovethesourceofthediscomfort.

Inotherwords,thisishowyouusebodylanguageinsocialinteractions:

Lookatbodylanguagesignalstofindoutifyourpartneriscomfortableoruncomfortable.

Ifthey'recomfortable,thenrelax.

Ifthey'reuncomfortable,trytofindoutwhat'swrongandfixit.

ComfortandDiscomfortinPractice

Inpractice,thisisverysimple.Letmegiveyouanexample.

Afewdaysago,myfriendaskedmeaquestion,andIlaunchedintoanextremelylong-windedanswer.Midwaythroughmyresponse,Icheckedtheirbodylanguageandrealizedtheyweregivingoffseveraldiscomfortsignals.Oops.

Irealizedthesourceoftheirdiscomfortwasmylong-windedanswer(theyhadwantedashortresponse,notamassivelecture.)Icutmylong-windedexplanationshortandwasrewardedwithmyfriend'sbodylanguagebecomingmorecomfortable.

Myfriendnevertoldmethattheywerebored,buttheirbodyclearlycommunicatedittome.BecauseIknewhowtounderstandtheirbodylanguage,itwaseasyformetoseetheirdiscomfortandrealizeIneededtocutmyanswershort.

Peoplecommunicatecomfortanddiscomforttoyouwiththeirbodiesallthetime.Learntounderstandandrespondtothesebodylanguagesignals,anditwillbemucheasierforyoutohavepositiveinteractions.

Ofcourse,inordertorespondtobodylanguageinthisway,youneedtobeabletonoticewhensomeoneissignalingthattheyarecomfortableoruncomfortable.Youalsoneedtobeabletolookatthecontexttounderstandwhatiscausingyourpartnertofeelcomfortableoruncomfortable.Fortunately,we'llcoverallofthesetopicsinthenextfewlessons.

AFieldGuidetoComfort

Comfortisagreatsignaltoreceive.Whenyouknowthatyourconversationpartneriscomfortable,youcanrelaxandenjoytheconversation.

Peoplewillsignalcomfortinavarietyofways,themostimportantofwhichI’vehighlightedbelow.Yourgoalistolookforpatternsinthesignals.Ifsomeoneistrulycomfortable,theywillsendmultiple“Comfort”bodylanguagesignals.

Thelistbelowconsistsofsignalsthatarebothcommonandeasytospot.It’snotanexhaustivelistofcomfortsignals,butitisenoughforyoutobeabletoreliablydetectifsomeoneiscomfortable.

KeyComfortSignalsLeaningIn,MovingCloser,orTurningtoFaceYou

Whensomeoneiscomfortablewithyouorinterestedinwhatyou’resaying,theywanttoremovedistancebetweenthetwoofyou.Youcanthinkofitas“IfsomeoneFEELSclosetome,theywanttoBEclosetome”.

Removingdistancecantakedifferentforms.Sometimesyourpartnerwillleantowardsyou—agoodsign!Othertimes,they’llturntofaceyou,orphysicallyscootcloser.Theymightalsoremoveanobjectthatisbetweenthetwoofyou(forinstance,settingtheirdinnerplateasidewhenatarestaurant.)

Feetinparticularareareliable(ifsubtle)indicatorofsomeoneturningtowardsyou.Someonemightconsciouslychoosetofaceyou,butmostpeoplearen’tconsciouslyawareofwhattheirfeetaredoing.Soifsomeoneturnstheirfeettowardsyou,that’sprobablyagenuineexpressionofcomfortandthereforeaverygoodsign.

ATiltedHeadoraHeadRestedonaHand

Atiltedheadindicatescuriosity,whereasrestingtheirheadontheirhandimpliesthatthey’relisteningintently.Bothindicatecomfort.Ifsomeoneisfocusedonwhatyou’resaying,it’sverycommontoseethemleaningforward,restingtheirelbowonatableandtheirheadintheirhand.

OneLegTuckedUnderneathOnaCouch(GirlsOnly)

Thisisagirl-onlysignal,butaverypowerfulone.Ifagirlissittingnexttosomeoneshefeelscomfortablewith,shewilloftentuckonelegunderneathherandturntowardsthatperson.Ifyouareonthereceivingendofthis,countyourselflucky.Itmeansthegirlreallyenjoysbeingwithyou.

The“I’mDiggingThis”Smile

Generally,someonewillnotbegrinningmadlythroughoutanencounter—iftheyare,youareprobablytalkingwithTheJokerandshouldbeconcerned.

Butwhenpeopleareenjoyingthemselves,oftenthecornersoftheirmouthwillbeturnedupslightly.It’ssubtle,butIcallthisthe“I’mdiggingthis”smile—itshowsthatpeopleareenjoyingwhatever’sgoingon.Ifyou’retellingafunnystorytoyourfriendsandyounoticethissmile,that’sagoodsign.

PhysicalTouch

Thisisasignificantindicatorofcomfort.Ifsomeoneisfeelingcomfortablewithyou,they’remuchmorelikelytotouchyourshouldertogetyourattention,orputtheirhandonyourkneewhentheyaskifyou’reok,orgiveyouahugwhentheygreetyou.

Physicaltouchvariesalotbyindividuals,sodon’tworryifsomeoneisnottouchingyouphysically—theymightjustnotbetouchy.Butifsomeoneistouchingyou,youcanconcludethatthey’refeelingfairlycomfortablewithyou.

MasteringBodyLanguageFocusingoncomfortanddiscomfortisconsiderablyeasierthantryingtomemorizeeverysinglefacetofbodylanguage,butit’sstillafairamounttoswallowallatonce.

Fortunately,youdon’tneedtomemorizetheseallatonce.Ihaveanexerciseforyouthatwillhelpyoubreakthebodylanguagepiecesintobitesizedchunksforeasymemorization.

Theexerciseissimple:

Chooseoneortwosignalsfromthelist.

TurnontheTVtoyourfavoriteshow.Ideally,yourfavoriteshowshouldbelive-actionandhavealotofsocialinteraction.Ifitdoesn’t,considerwatchinganothershow.RealityTVisactuallyaverygoodchoice,sinceit’smostlytalking.

Enjoytheshow,butlookforthesignalsyouchoseasthecharactersinteract.Don’tbeafraidtorewindascenetogetacloserlookatasignal.Keeppracticinguntilyoufeelconfidentthatyoucouldnoticethesignalsinarealinteraction.

Onceyoufeellikeyoucouldrecognizethesignalsyouchoseinarealinteraction,pickafewmoreandstartlookingforthemaswell.Eventually,you’llfindyourselfabletolookforallofthesignalsonthelist.

Withalittlepractice,awarenessofbodylanguagestartstobecomesecondnature.Onceyouknowwhatyou’relookingfor,it’seasytospotpatternsofsignalsanddecipherwhatyourpartnerisfeeling.

AFieldGuidetoDiscomfort

Discomfortsignalsworktogetherwithcomfortsignalstohelpyoumanageinteractions.Whenyourealizethatsomeoneisuncomfortable,youcanquicklytakeactiontofixthesituation.Oncethepersonisgivingoffcomfortsignalsagain,thenyouknowyouhavesuccessfullyputtheconversationbackontrack.

Likecomfortsignals,discomfortsignalsappearinpatterns,andarebestunderstoodincontext.Whenyouseeadiscomfortsignal,thinkthroughtheothercomfortanddiscomfortsignalsyouhaveseen,aswellastheoverallcontext.

I’vecompiledalistofthemostcommondiscomfortsignals.I’vepickedtheseparticularsignalsbecausethey’rebothverycommonandveryeasytospot,makingthemtheperfectplacetobegin.Thisisnotanexhaustivelist,soasyoulearnadditionaldiscomfortsignals,feelfreetoaddthemtoyourrepertoire.Butthislistisallthatyouneedtostartnoticingdiscomfortsignalsandusingthatinformationinyourinteractions.

KeyDiscomfortSignalsNeckTouchingorNeckRubbing

Yourneckishometomanynerveendingsthat,whenrubbed,willloweryourheartrateandcomfortyou.Whenpeopleareuncomfortable,theywillunconsciouslytouchtheirneckssothatthesenerveswillactivateandhelptocalmthem.

Rubbingorstrokingonthefrontorbackoftheneckisthemostcommonkindofnecktouching,butifthepersoniswearinganecklaceoranecktie,theymightfiddlewiththatalso.

FaceTouchingorFaceRubbing

Therearealsonerveendingsinyourface,sosomepeoplewillrubtheirfacetocomfortthemselves.Lookforrubbingtheforehead,rubbingtheeyes,playingwiththehair,rubbinglips—allofthesearebehaviorspeopleusetocalmthemselvesdown.Peoplewillalsosometimespuffouttheircheeksandexhale.

LegRubbing

Thisiswhereaseatedpersonputstheirhands(orhand)palm-downontheirlegsandslidesittowardstheirknees.Picturesomeonewipingoffsweatypalmsontheirpantsandyou’vegottheidea.

WithdrawingorBlocking

Ifsomeoneisinconversationandtheybecomeuncomfortablewiththepersonorthetopicofconversation,theymaytrytopullbackorplaceobjectsbetweenthemselvesandtheirpartner.Theymightleanaway,adjusttheirchairsothatthey’renotfacingthepersondirectly,crosstheirarmstoblocktheirchest,and/orcrosstheirlegssothattheirkneeisbetweenthemselvesandthe

otherperson.

Becarefulwiththissignal,though.Somepeoplemightcrosstheirlegsorleanbacktositmorecomfortably,orcrosstheirarmsbecausethey’recold.That’swhyit’simportanttolookatitincontext—ifyouareseeingcrossedarmsorlegsbutotherwisepositivesignals,youareprobablyokay.

FeetPointedAway

Feetareextremelypowerfulindicatorsofhowsomeoneisactuallyfeeling.Ifsomeone’sfeetarepointedawayfromtheirconversationpartner,that’softenasignalthatthey’dratherexittheconversation.Ofcourse,thisonlyappliesifthepersoncouldcomfortablyandnaturallypointtheirfeetattheirpartner—ifyou’resittingnexttoeachotheronanairplane,thisdoesn’tapplybecauseitwouldbeverydifficultforthemtopointtheirfeetatyou.Butifyou’restandingfacingoneanother,andyouseetheirfeetstartpointingtowardsthedoor,youmightwanttograciouslybringtheconversationtoaclose.

TheInterruptionHand

Thisisnotasignofdiscomfortsomuchasanindicationthattheotherpersonwantstospeak.Whensomeonewantstospeak,theirhandwilloftenjerkupwards—sometimeswiththeirpointerfingerraised.Thehandwillonlyraisepartwaybeforestopping.Essentiallywhat’shappeningisthatthepersonwantstointerject,buttheystoppedthemselvesbeforetheyactuallysaidanything.Dothemafavorandgivethemachancetospeak.

VeryLittleEyeContact

Nobodymaintainseyecontactallthetime,butwhentheylookawaytheyshouldsoonlookbacktoyou.Ifsomeoneislookingeverywherebutyou,they’reprobablynotcomfortable.Asimplewayoftestingthisistosaytheirnameintheconversation:forinstance“Isn’tthatright,Carl?”Mostpeople,uponhearingtheirname,willlookatyouandholdeyecontactforseveralmoments.Ifsomeoneglancesatyouwhenyousaytheirname,thenimmediatelylooksaway,theymaybeuncomfortable.

Also,payattentionifsomeoneisrepeatedlylookingawayfromyouatonespecificthing.Forinstance,ifyou’retalkingwithsomeoneandtheykeepglancingovertheirshoulderatsomeoneelse,itmightbethattheywanttotalktothatperson.

ActingonDiscomfortSignalsOfcourse,it’snotenoughtojustknowwhensomeoneisuncomfortable.Youalsoneedtotakeactiontomakethemcomfortableagain.Fortunately,it’seasytoknowhowtomakeyourpartnercomfortableifyouknowhow.

UnderstandingBodyLanguageinContext

Let’ssayyou’reinaconversationandyounoticethatyourpartnerhascrossedtheirarms,leanedawayfromyou,andisrepeatedlyrubbingtheirface.That’sdefinitelyuncomfortablebodylanguage.Butwhyisyourpartneruncomfortable?

Well,theymightbeuncomfortablebecausetheydon’tliketheconversationtopic.

Ortheymightbeuncomfortablebecauseyouhavefoodinyourteethandthey’renotsureiftheyshouldtellyou.

Orperhapssomethingiswrongthathasnothingtodowithyou,likeanupsetstomach.

Ifyouonlylookattheirbodylanguage,youwon’thaveenoughinformationtoidentifythesourceoftheirdiscomfort.Bodylanguagewilltellyouthatsomeoneiscomfortableoruncomfortable,butitcan’ttellyouwhy.

That’swhyyoulookatthecontext.

WhatIsContext?Lookingatcontextmeansbeingawareofthreethings:

Theconversationitself.Didsomethingintheconversationcauseyourpartnertobecomemoreorlesscomfortable?Forinstance,ifyourpartner’slanguagechangedwhenyouaskedaspecificquestion,perhapsthereissomethingaboutthatquestionthatmadethemuncomfortable.

Theenvironmenttheconversationtakesplacein.Conversationsdon’toccurinavacuum(unlessyouareanastronaut.)Lookaroundtheroomtoseewhatyourpartnermightbereactingto.Anargumentatanearbytable,anoverlycrowdedroom,oranex-girlfriendwhojustenteredthepartycouldallbereasonswhyyourpartnersuddenlybecameuncomfortable.

Yourpartner’srecentexperiences.Yourpartner’sdaydidnotbeginwhenyoustartedtalkingwiththem,andtheexperiencestheyhadpriortoyourconversationmightstillbeaffectingthem.Forexample,ifyourpartnerhadaroughdayatwork,theymightgiveoffdiscomfortsignalsbecausetheyarestillthinkingabouttheirstressfulday.

ApplyingContextTakethetimetolookatcontext,andyouwillnormallyidentifyafewpotentialcausesforyourpartner’sdiscomfort.Trytoremovethediscomfortcausedbythecontext,andseeifyourpartnerbecomescomfortable.

Forinstance,let’ssaytheirbodylanguagesignaleddiscomfortwhenyouintroducedacontroversialtopic.Changethetopicandseeiftheirbodylanguagerelaxes.Isthereabadsmell

intheroom?Suggestchangingroomsandseeingiftheylightenup.

Andrememberthatifyoucan’tdeducethesourceoftheirdiscomfort,it’susuallyoktojustaskthemwhat’swrong.Youdon’tneedtobeSherlockHolmes;it’senoughthatyoumadeanhonestefforttolookatthecontext.

Afterall,evenifyoudon’tknowthesourceoftheirdiscomfort,youcanstilltrytomakethemmorecomfortable.Offertofixthemtheirfavoritedrink,orpickafuntopictotalkaboutinsteadofaseriousone.It’spreferabletoknowthespecificsourceoftheirdiscomfort,butsimplybeingawarethattheyareuncomfortablegoesalongway.

Iknowthatcontextcanseemoverwhelmingatfirst.Andinhonesty,itwilltakesomepracticebeforeyoubecomecomfortablewithbothlookingatcontextandalsofocusingontheconversation.ButIthinkthatasyoupractice,youwillfindthatlookingatcontextisverysimple.

Inanutshell,thepurposeoflookingatcontextistofindcluesthathelpyoumakeyourpartnermorecomfortable.Whensomeone’sbodylanguagetellsyouthattheyareuncomfortable,youcanlookatcontexttofindoutwhy.Then,usethatinformationtohelpyouremovethesourceofdiscomfort.Practicelookingatcontextuntilitbecomesnatural,andyouwillhaveapowerfultooltoaddtoyoursocialskillsrepertoire.

Ofcourse,bodylanguageisnotjustaboutyourpartner’sbodylanguage,orevenyourpartner’sbodylanguagecombinedwithcontext.Yourownbodylanguageplaysarole,too.

YourBodyLanguage

Inthepreviouslessonsonbodylanguage,youlearnedhowtounderstandthebodylanguagesignalsofothers.Ifyoudetectabodylanguagethatsignalssomeoneisuncomfortable,youknowtolookforthecauseoftheirdiscomfortandthentrytoremoveit.Ifsomeonesignalsthattheyarefeelingcomfortable,youknowthatyoucanrelaxandenjoytheinteraction.

Buthowdopeopleinterpretthebodylanguagesignalsthatyougive?It’struethatonlyafewpeoplehavetrainedthemselvestoconsciouslyanalyzebodylanguage.Butevenifyourconversationpartnerneverconsciouslythinksaboutyourbodylanguage,theywillstillsubconsciouslyreacttoit.

Forinstance,ifyourbodylanguageexhibitswarmthandfriendliness,yourpartnerislikelytosensethatandrelax.Ifyourbodylanguagedemonstratesdisinterestorboredom,yourpartnerwillthinktwicebeforesharingsomethingpersonalwithyou.

WhenYourBodyLanguageandYourWordsDon’tAgreeUnfortunately,mostpeopledon’tthinkabouttheirownbodylanguage.Theymightspendalotoftimethinkingoftheperfectwordstosay,withoutrealizingthattheirbodylanguageandtheirwordsaresendingverydifferentmessages.

Forexample,sayyouhavehadalong,hardday,butyourfriendwantstotalkwithyouaboutsomethingthattheyarestrugglingwith.Youobviouslycareaboutyourfriend,soyoutellthemthatyouwanttotalk.

Butifduringtheconversationyouareyawning,lookingattheclock,andleaningbackinyourchairwithyourarmscrossed,yourfriendmightconcludethatyoudon’treallywanttotalkwiththemafterall.Theystormoff,andyouareleftwonderingwhatyousaidwrong.(Ofcourse,youdidn’tsayanythingwrong—that’sthepoint!)

That’sjustoneexample;it’seasytothinkofotherwaysyourownbodylanguagecancreatemisunderstandings.Whenyourwordsandyourbodyaresendingdifferentmessages,peoplewilltendtogowiththemessagethatyourbodyissending.Ifyoudidn’tmeantosendthatmessage,troubleensues.

ThePowerofSelf-AwarenessFortunately,thattroubleisentirelyavoidable.Justbeawareofthemessagesyourbodyissending.Yourbodyisgoingtocommunicate—that’sjustpartofbeinghuman.Takethetimetonoticewhatitiscommunicating,andyoucanmakesurethatyourbodyandyourwordsaresendingthesamemessage.

Letmebeclear.I’mnottalkingaboutchangingyourbodylanguagetomaskdeception–ifyourwordsarecommunicatingsomethinguntrue,thenyoushouldchangeyourwordsinsteadofyourbodylanguage.Relationshipsbuiltondeceptionwillnevergiveyouthelong-termsatisfaction

andintimacythatyouneed.

Instead,focusonpresentingacohesive,genuinemessageofthethingthatisbothtrueandmostimportant.Ifyouaretiredbutyoucareaboutyourfriend,themessagethatismostimportantis“Icareaboutyou,”not“I’mtired”(eventhoughbothmessagesaretrue.)Ifyouareexcitedtomeetsomeonenewbutalsonervous,themessagethatismostimportantis“Iamexcitedtomeetyou,”not“Iamnervous.”

Themessageof“Icareaboutyou”ismoreimportantthanthemessageof“Iamverytired”becauseyourcommitmenttoyourfriendrunsdeeperthanyourphysicalfatigue.Themessageof“Iamexcitedtomeetyou”ismoreimportantthanthemessageof“I’mfeelingnervous”becauseyourdesiretomakeanewfriendisgreaterthanyournervousness.

It’soktomakesureyourbodylanguagecommunicatesthemessagethatismostimportant.That’snotdeception;that’sjustmakingsurethemostimportantmessageiscommunicatedwell.Whenyouareawareofyourownbodylanguage,youcanbesurethatbothyourwordsandyourbodylanguagereflectthemessagethatisthemosttrue.

Sotakethetimetobeawareofyourownbodylanguage.Thelistsofcomfortanddiscomfortsignalsarejustasusefulwhenyouareusingthemtounderstandyourownbodylanguageaswhenyouareanalyzingsomeoneelse’s.Beawareofwhatyourbodyiscommunicating,andmaketheefforttomutediscomfortsignalsandbroadcastcomfortsignals.You’llfindthatasyoumatchyourbodylanguagetoyourwords,youwillhavemuchgreatersuccessinyourinteractions.

Chapter3:Conversation

Mostconversationadvicedoesn’thelpyoumakeconversation.

It’seasytofindtipslike“Lookyourpartnerintheeye”or“Thinkofconversationtopicsaheadoftime.”Thesetipsarehelpful,buttheydon’texplainhowconversationactuallyworks–it’slikesaying“Keepyoureyeontheball”insteadofexplainingtherulesofbaseball.

Ofcourse,youcanstillenjoybaseballevenifyoudon’tunderstandtherules.Butwhenyoustruggleduringsmalltalk,it’sincrediblyfrustrating–especiallyifyoudon’tknowhowtoimprove.

Thegoodnews?

Youdon’tneedtobefrustratedanymore.ImproveYourSocialSkillsisapractical,step-by-stepguidetosocialsuccess–andthatmeansitteachesyouhowconversationactuallyworks.

You’lllearnthebedrockprinciplesofconversationandhowtoapplythoseprinciplestomakesmooth,engagingconversation.Divein!

TheSecretofConversationFlow

Whatmakessomeconversationsflowsmoothly,andotherssputterorfeelawkward?Inthissection,Iexplaintheprinciplesof“Invitation”and“Inspiration”andhowthesetwoprinciplesworktogethertocreatesmooth,comfortableconversation.

Invitation:TheArtofGoodQuestions

Invitationshelptoaddstructuretoaconversationbyclearlycommunicatingtoyourpartnerwhenit’stheirturntospeakandgivingthematopictospeakabout.Inthissection,Idiscussinvitationsindepthandteachyouhowtousetheminyourconversations.Inaddition,sincemostinvitationsarequestions,Iexplainhowtoaskgoodquestionsandshowhowyoucanbuildrapportwithothersusingquestions.

Inspiration:TheHeartbeatOfGoodConversation

It’spossibletobuildaconversationoutofnothingbutinvitations,butthere’sabetterway.ThroughsomethingIcall“inspiration,”youcanhelpbuildconversationthatfeelsmorenaturalandthatencouragesmoresharingandintimacybetweenyouandyourpartner.Thissectionexplainswhatinspirationsareandhowtheywork

InspirationInPractice

Onceyouunderstandwhatinspirationsareandwhattheycandoforyou,you’llbeeagertoapplytheminyoureverydayconversation.Thissectiongivesyouthepractical,step-by-stepguidanceyouneedtodojustthat

InvitationAndInspirationInHarmony

Afteryou’velearnedaboutinvitationandinspirationseparately,it’stimetodiscoverhowtheycanworktogether.Thissectionexplainshowyoucanuseinvitationandinspirationinharmonywitheachotherandequipsyoutousetheminreal-worldconversations.

TheSecretofConversationFlow

Thinkbacktothemostenjoyableconversationsyou’vehad.Chancesare,thoseconversationsmovedsmoothlyfromonespeakertothenext,andnaturallyfromonetopictoanother.Therewasnosenseof“WhatdoIsaynow?”or“AmIsupposedtotalknext?”Youandtheotherpeopleintheconversationfeltfreetoenjoyspendingtimewitheachotherinsteadofworryingabouthowtomaketheconversationwork.

Whatmadetheseconversationssospecial?Well,theyallhadsomethingcalledconversationflow.Conversationflowhappenswhenconversationiscomfortable,effortless,andsmooth.It’sthewayconversationsaresupposedtowork.

Sometimes,conversationflowseemstohappenautomatically.Youandyourconversationpartnerhititoff,andtheconversationfeelsreallysmoothandcomfortable.That’sgreatwhenithappens,butwhatdoyoudowhenconversationsdon’tflow?

That’swheretheprincipleofinvitationandinspirationcomesin.Invitationandinspirationarethekeyingredientsofsmooth,comfortableconversation.

Aninvitationiswhenyousaysomethingthatexplicitlyletsyourpartnerknowitistheirturntospeak.

Aninspirationiswhenyousaysomethingthatmakesyourpartnerwanttospeakunbidden.

Bothservetopromptaresponsefromyourconversationpartnerandkeeptheconversationflowing.

Thesetwoingredientscreatethesenseofconversationflow.Learnhowtoincludetheminyourconversationsandyouwillinviteconversationflowintoallofyourinteractions.

Withabitofpractice,youwillfindthatinvitationandinspirationenableyoutobuildenjoyable,comfortableconversationinallofyourinteractions.Noawkwardpauses,forcedsegues,orfakeysmalltalk.

TheDeliMetaphorImaginethatyouandyourconversationpartnerareworkingina(poorlydesigned)deli.Halfoftheingredientsareatoneendofthedelicounter,andhalfoftheingredientsareattheoppositeend.Thetwoofyouneedtomakeasandwich,soyoudecidetostandatoppositeendsofthecounterandslidethesandwichbackandforth.

Yourpartneraddssomelettuce,thenslidesitdownforyou.Youaddsomemayo,thenyouslideitbacksohecanaddsometurkey.It’sabitofastrangeimage,butstaywithme.Thisisanextremelyusefulmetaphor.

Now,let’smaketheimagealittlestranger.Let’ssaythatyouandyourpartnerarechattingas

youwork(normalenough),butthatthesandwichyouaremakingrepresentsyourconversation(notsonormal.)

Youask,,“Howwasyourweekend?”andslidethesandwichdownthecounter.

Yourpartnerreplies“Oh,itwasgreat.Howwasyours?”andslidesthesandwichback.

Youreply“Itwasfine.”andtrytoreturnthesandwich.Thesandwichtravelssixinchesandstopsdead.

Whathappened?Well,youdidn’tgiveyourpartneraclearinvitationorastronginspiration.Withouteitherofthosethings,yourpartnerdidn’tknowwhattosaynext(andperhapswasunsureifitwashisturntospeak.)Sohedidn’trespond.Theconversationlapsed,andthesandwichstoppedsliding.

Remember,aninvitationiswhenyousaysomethingthatexplicitlyletsyourpartnerknowitistheirturntospeak.Andaninspirationiswhenyousaysomethingthatmakesyourpartnerwanttospeakunbidden.Withoutaninvitationoraninspiration,yourpartnermightnotknowwhattosayorwhethertorespond.That’swhyyouwanttobedeliberatetoofferinvitationsandinspirationstoyourpartner.

Invitation:TheArtofGoodQuestions

Remember,ourgoalisconversationflow.Conversationsflowwhentheymovefromtopictotopicandspeakertospeakerinawaythatfeelssmoothandnatural.Oneofyourprimarytoolsforhelpingconversationsflowistheideaofinvitation.Aninvitationissomethingyousaythat:

Communicatesveryclearlythatitisnowyourpartner’sturntotalk,and

Givesastrongsuggestionforwhatyourpartnershouldtalkabout.

Forinstance,“Whatdidyoudotoday?”isaninvitation.It’sobviousthatyouareinvitingyourpartnertospeak,andyouaregivingaclearideaforwhattheyshouldtalkabout(theirday!)

Invitationsareafoolproofsafetynetforroughspotsintheconversation.Ifyou’renotsurewhattosaynext,justthrowoutaninvitationandtheconversationwillkeepgoing.It’sidealifyourinvitationsrelatetosomethingthat’salreadybeendiscussed,butthat’snotessential(especiallyiftheconversationhashalted.)Justthrowoutaninvitationandgettheconversationrollingagain!

Mostinvitationsarequestions,butnotallquestionsaregoodinvitations.Foraquestiontobeagoodinvitation,itneedstosatisfythefirsttworulesIlistedabove,anditalsoneedstobeopen-ended.

ThePowerofGoodQuestionsBy“open-endedquestion,”Imeananinvitationthatallowsyourpartnertotalkatlength,insteadofbeinglimitedtoashortanswer.Whenyouaskaclosed-endedquestionlike,“Didyouhaveagoodweekend?”yourpartnerwilllikelyanswer“Yes”or“No.”Sinceyou’relookingforsmooth,flowingconversation,aone-wordresponseisnotideal.

Butifyouaskthesamequestioninanopen-endedway,youwillgiveyourpartneramuchbetterinvitation.Whenyouask,“Whatdidyoudothisweekend?”yourpartnerisfreetotellyouthefullstoryoftheirweekend.You’restillaskingabouttheirweekend,butyou’reaskingitinawaythatinvitesthemtoshare.

Whenyouinviteyourpartnertoshareinthisway,somethingpowerfulhappens.Notonlydoesinvitingyourpartnertosharehelptheconversationtoflow,butitalsogivesyouanopportunitytoshowyourpartnerthatyouareinterestedinthem.

Whenyouaskyourpartnerinsightfulquestionsaboutthemselves,ittellsthemthatyouwanttogettoknowthembetter.Afterall,ifyoudidn’t,whywouldyoubeaskingthequestions?Theclassicwritingruleof“Show;don’ttell”appliestoconversation,too.Whenyouaskyourpartnerquestionsaboutthemselves,you’renotjusttellingthemyouareinterestedinthem–you’reshowingthemthatyoucare.

HowtoAskGoodQuestionsNow,thereisanarttoaskinggood,insightfulquestions.Ifyouaskquestionsthatareverysuperficial(“Doyouthinkitwillrainthisweek?”),youwon’tfindoutmuchabouttheotherperson,andtheywon’tgetaclearmessagethatyouareinterestedinthem.Butifyouaskquestionsthataretoointimate(“Whatisyourdeepest,darkestsecret?”)youarelikelytomakepeopleuncomfortable.

Thetrickistostartsuperficial,andthenslowlygomoreintimatewhilekeepinganeyeontheotherperson’scomfortlevel.Ifyoufindthattheystartgivingsignsofdiscomfort,thenyoushouldasklessintimatequestions.Butiftheyaregivingyouconsistentsignalsofcomfort,thenyoucanconsiderthatagreenlighttocontinuediggingdeeper.

Twoquickwordsofwarningaboutthisprincipleofdiggingdeeper,though:

First,thisprogressionfromsuperficialtointimateissomethingthathappensoverthecourseofarelationship,notoverthecourseofoneconversation.Whenyoufirstmeetsomeone,it’sappropriatetogofromtalkingabouttheweather(verysuperficial)totalkingaboutwheretheywork(abitmoreintimate.)It’sprobablynotappropriatetogofromtalkingabouttheweathertotalkingabout(forexample)theirpainfuldivorce.

However,astimegoesbyandyouhavemoreconversationswiththisperson,eachconversationisanopportunitytodigalittledeeper.Eventuallyyoumightgettoaplacewheretheyarecomfortablesharingveryintimatethingswithyou,butthatwillusuallyhappenafteryouhavesharedmanyconversationstogether.

Second,ifyouasktheotherpersonmoreintimatequestions,youshouldsharemoreintimatethingsaboutyourself.Iftheotherpersonisopeninguptoyoubutyouarenotopeninguptothem,theywillquicklybecomeuncomfortable.

InvitationandInspirationObviously,invitationsarereallyuseful.Theycanprotectyourconversationsfromgrindingtoahalt,andtheyareapowerfultoolforbuildingintimacyandrapportwithyourconversationpartner.

However,ashandyasinvitationsare,youcan’tbuildanentireconversationoutofthem.Iftheentireconversationconsistsofexplicitinvitations,itwillfeelawkward–likeaninterviewinsteadofaconversation.Natural-feelingconversationflowsfromonespeakertothenext,sometimeswithexplicitinvitations,butoftennot.Maintainingconversationflowwithoutrelyingoninvitationsiswhereinspirationcomesin.

Inspiration:TheHeartbeatofGoodConversation

Whenconversationsflowsmoothly,peoplefeelcomfortablesharingevenwithoutaninvitation.They’llchimeinwhenevertheyhavesomethingtheywanttoshareandfeelencouragedtoshareit.

Thismeansthatinordertocreateconversationalflow,youshould:

Makeyourpartnercomfortable

Inspireyourpartnertowanttoshare

Makingyourpartnercomfortableisprettystraightforward.Befriendly,payattentiontotheirbodylanguage,andgivegoodinvitationssotheyknowyoureallywanttoknowthembetter.

ButwhatdoImeanbyinspiringyourpartner?

Well,picturetwoartiststakingturnswhilepaintingtogether.Thefirstartistmighttellthesecondartist,“Hey,whydon’tyouputsomebluehere?”andthesecondartistmightrespondwith“Ok,thenyoushouldputsomeyellowoverthere.”

That’saninvitation,andyoucancertainlymakeapainting(oraconversation!)usingnothingbutinvitations.

Butthere’sabetterway.

TheBeautyofInspirationImagethatthefirstartistpaintsaboldstreakofyellowonthecanvas.Theintensityoftheyellowinspiresthesecondartisttocreateacontrastbyaddingasomberblue,whichinturninspiresthefirstartisttouseshadingtohighlighttherelationshipbetweentheblueandyellow,whichinturninspiresthesecondartisttoaddanewcolor,andsoonuntilthepaintingiscomplete.

That’sapaintingIwouldwanttosee.

Apaintingcreatedbyinspirationbuildingoninspirationwillbefarmorecreativeandemotivethanapaintingcreatedbytradinginvitations.

Moreimportantly,theartistsundoubtedlyhadmuchmorefun(andfeltmuchclosertooneanother)whentheypaintedinthisstyle.

InspirationinConversationThatsameeffectistrueinconversation.Whenyouandyourpartnerinspireeachothertoshare,theconversationflowssmoothlyandyoufeelcloseronetooneanother.

Inanutshell,youinspiremewhensomethingthatyousharemakesmewanttosharesomething,too.Noticetheword“want”inthatdefinition.Inspirationdoesnotmakeyour

partnerfeelobligatedtoshare.Itmakesthemwanttoshare.

Thisisdifferentfromaninvitation,becauseaninvitationexplicitlytellsyourpartner,“Nowisthetimetospeak–andbytheway,thisiswhatyoushouldspeakabout.”

Bycontrast,aninspirationismuchlessexplicit.

Whenyouinspireyourpartner,youcreateawelcomingspacewheretheyareencouragedtosharebutarenotrequiredto.Inspirationalsogivesyourpartnermuchmorefreedominhowtheyrespond.Ifyouaskme,“Howwasyourweekend?”(aninvitation),Icanonlyrespondbyansweringyourquestion.Butifyoutellmeastoryfromthebowlinggameyouwenttolastweekend(aninspiration),thenIcanchoosehowIrespond.

Imightaskyouaquestionaboutthegame,orshareastoryfrommyownweekend,orgivemyopinionaboutbowlingleagues.It’suptome.

Andthatmeansit’snotuptoyou.

Whenyouweaveinspirationintoyourconversations,youcanfreeyourselffromtheresponsibilityofknowingwhattosaynext.Inspirationencouragesyouandyourpartnertocreateaconversationtogether,trustingthatthedashofgreenthatyouarepaintingnowwillinspiremewhenitcomestimeformetoputmyownbrushtothecanvas.

Youdon’tneedtohaveanendlesslistofquestionsready,ormemorizefunnyanecdotesthatyoucanshareatamoment’snotice.Youjustneedtobegenuineinwhatyoushare,andshareitinawaythatencouragesyourpartnertoshare,too.

InspirationinPractice

It’ssimpleandeasytoapplyinspirationinyourconversations.

Whenyouwanttoinspireyourpartner,bedeliberatetosharesomethingthatmightinspirethemtosharetheircuriosity,theirthoughts,ortheirstory.

Thesearenottheonlythreewaystoinspireyourpartner—anythingthatencouragesyourpartnertoshareisaninspiration.Butthesethreewaysareeffectiveandeasytolearn,soIrecommendyoufocusonthemwhileyou’repracticinginspiration.

Let’slookateachinturn:

InspireThemtoShareTheirCuriosityToinspireyourpartnertosharetheircuriosity,sharesomethingtheywanttoknowmoreabout.Useyourknowledgeoftheotherpersontoguideyouasyoucraftgreatinspirations.

Forinstance,I’mabigfanofthesingerHayleyWestenra.Ifyoutellmethatyousawherinconcert,youwillcertainlyinspiremycuriosity–I’llwanttoknowwhatsongsshesang,howlongyou’vebeenafan,andwhatyouthoughtoftheconcert.Butmentiontheconcerttosomeonewhoisnotafan,andyoumightjustgetablankstare.

Fortunately,yourinspirationsdon’thavetobeperfectlymatchedtotheotherperson.Justmakeanhonestefforttothinkaboutwhattheotherpersonwouldbeinterestedin,andyouwillusuallyendupok.

InspireThemtoShareTheirThoughtsWhenyoushareyourthoughts,itencouragesyourpartnertosharetheirown.Thoughtscanbeyouropinions,yourspeculations,oratopicthatyou’recuriousabout.

Becarefulaboutthis,though.Ifyousoundlikeyou’relecturingwhenyoushareyourthoughts,oryoubelittlepeoplewhodisagreewithyou,yourpartnerwillnotfeelcomfortabletosharetheirownthoughts.Doyourbesttoshareyourthoughtsinawaythatwelcomesdiscussionanddifferentopinions.

Ifyouhavetrustedfriendsorfamilymembers,askthemforhonestfeedbackonhowwellyouwelcomethethoughtsandopinionsofothers.It’spossiblethatyoufeelveryopentotheopinionsofothers,butyouareunconsciouslydoingsomethingthatcausesotherstofeeluncomfortable.Whenyouaskfamilyandfriendstohelpyou,it’seasytofindandfixtheseunconsciousmistakes.

InspireThemtoShareTheirStoryBystory,Imeanthestoryoftheirlife:theexperiencesthatmadethemthepersontheyare.Thiscanbebigthingslikemarriageandgraduation,orlittlethingslikeacrazyroadtripthattheydid

withtheirfriendsinhighschool.Theseexperiencesmadeyourpartnerwhotheyare,andwhentheysharetheirexperienceswithyou,youwillgettoknowthemmuchbetter.

Thebestwaytoinspireyourpartnertosharetheirstoryistoshareyourownstory.Tellthemaboutyouryearsinhighschool,andtheywillprobablyanswerwithastoryfromtheirschooldays.TellthemaboutyourtriptoEurope,andtheywillprobablyregalewiththestoryoftheirvisittoMexico.Tellthemaboutaroughtimeyouwentthroughlastyear,andtheymightsharesomeoftheirownstruggleswithyou.

Sharingyourstorydoesn’thavetomeantalkingaboutspecificevents.Youcantalkabouthowmuchyou’vealwayslovedart,ortalkabouthowaparticularfearhasalwaysbeenastruggleforyou.Theimportantthingaboutsharingyourstoryisthatyou’resharingsomethingthat’srealandthathelpsyourpartnerknowyoubetter.

Inotherwords,talkingabouthowyouridentityasaTrekkiehasshapedyoucountsassharingyourstory.TalkingaboutwhyCaptainKirkcouldtotallybeatupHanSolodoesnotcountasyourstory(becauseyou’renottalkingaboutyou!)

Also,rememberthatthesamerulesforintimacythatwepreviouslydiscussedapplyhere,too.Ifyoujustmetsomeone,youprobablyshouldn’tshareareallyprivatepartofyourstory.Givetherelationshiptimetogrow,andovertimeyoucansharemoreandmoreintimatepartsofyourstory.

AFinalWordonInspirationOnemorething.Inspirationispowerful,butit’snotanexactscience.Youmightshareanopinionwithyourpartnerinhopesofinspiringthemtosharetheirthoughts,buttheyrespondwithcuriosity—orapieceoftheirstory.That’stotallyokay.Yourgoalistoencourageyourpartnertoshare.Whattheychoosetoshareisuptothem.

Makesense?

Awesome.Nowthatyou’vebeenintroducedtobothinvitationandinspiration,let’stakealookathowtheyworktogether.

InvitationandInspirationinHarmony

Nowthatwe’velookedatbothinvitationandinspiration,let’sdiscusshowtousethemtogether.

Greatconversationsneedbothinvitationandinspiration.Aconversationbasedentirelyaroundinvitationscansoundlikeaninterview–nothingbutquestionsandanswers.Andconversationsbasedentirelyaroundinspirationsarehardtodo–whathappenswhenyouattempttoinspireyourpartnerandtheydon’trespond?

Thebestsolutionistomovesmoothlybetweeninvitationandinspiration,dependingontheneedsoftheconversation.Invitationsaddguidanceandstructuretoaconversation,andinspirationsaddintimacyandflexibility.

Ingeneral,thismeansyoushouldstartconversationswithmostlyinvitations,andusemoreinspirationsastheconversationprogresses.Ifyoufindthepersonisnotrespondingtoyourinspirations,ortheconversationhasanawkwardpause,thenreturntousingmoreinvitationsuntiltheconversationismovingagain.

Inotherwords,whenmoreinspirationseemsappropriate,usemoreinspiration–butdon’tbeafraidtothrowafewinvitationsinthere(orviceversa.)

Youshoulduseinvitationsmorefrequently:

Whentheconversationbegins

Whenyoudon’tknowtheotherpersonverywell

Whenyourpartnerdoesn’tseemtoknowwhattosaynext

Andyoushoulduseinspirationmorefrequently:

Afteryourpartnerhassharedsomethingpersonalwithyou

Afteryourpartnerhasaskedyouapersonalquestion

Afteryou’vegottentoknowyourpartnerbetter

MovingBetweenInvitationandInspirationYouwanttostartconversationswithmostlyinvitationsandthenmovetomostlyinspirations,becausethisstartswiththefocusonyourpartner,notonyou.

Ifyoubeginyourconversationwithinspirations,thenyou’reputtingthefocusfirstonyou.Youhaven’tgivenyourpartneranyreasontobelievethatyoucareabouttheirthoughts,sothey’reunlikelytorespondtoyourinspiration.Plus,becauseyou’veonlytalkedaboutyourself,yourpartnermightassumethatyouareself-centered–anoutcomebestavoided.

Butwhenyoustartwithinvitations,thefocusisclearlyonyourpartner.Yourquestionsreassureyourpartnerthatyouareinterestedinthemandwanttoheartheirthoughts,soyourpartnerwill

feelcomfortablechiminginwhenyoueventuallygivethemaninspiration.

Now,onceyouknowsomeonewell,youdon’tneedtoworryaboutthisasmuch.Ifyourconversationpartnerisaclosefriend,they’llalreadyknowthattheycanrespondtoyourinspirations.Yourfriendshipletsthemknowthatyoucareaboutthemandtheirthoughts,whichmakesinvitationslessimportant.Butasageneralrule,it’salwayssafetostartwithmoreinvitationsandmovetomoreinspirations.

Soundgood?Ok,backtothedeli.(Yourememberthedelimetaphor,right?)

TheDeli,Day2It’sanotherdayinthemagicaldeliwhereyoursandwichrepresentsyourconversation.Youask,“Howwasyourweekend?”andslidethesandwichdownthecounter.Thisisaclearinvitation,soyourpartnerknowswhattosay.

Sureenough,yourpartnerreplies“Oh,itwasgreat.Howwasyours?”andslidesthesandwichback.Anotherclearinvitation.Youandyourpartneraredoingagreatjobofstartingtheconversationwithinvitationstoshowinterestineachother.

Here’swherethingsgetdifferent.

Inourfirstintroductiontothedelimetaphor,yourespondedtoyourpartner’squestionwithaflat“Itwasfine.”Thatkilledtheconversationandstoppedthesandwich.Thistime,let’sseewhathappenswhenyoutryadifferentresponse.

Insteadofsaying,“Itwasfine”,yousay:

“Oh,itwasgreat.Ijustadoptedanewdogfromtheshelter,sowewentdowntothedogparkandplayedfetch.ThenIwenttothenewTransformersmoviewithmyfriends.Ididn’treallylikeit,butthespecialeffectswerecool.”

Youslidethesandwichbacktoyourpartner,anditzoomsdownthecounter—success!

Bynow,youknowwhathappened:Yourreplyhasbecomeaclearinspiration.Yourpartnermightchoosetoaskyouaboutyourexperiencesadoptingthedog(curiosity),tellyouabouttheirfavoritegametoplaywiththeirowndog(sharingtheirstory),ortellyoutheiropinionofTransformers(thoughts.)

Evenifyouhadonlymentionedoneofthosethreethings,itstillwouldhavebeenafineinspiration—youdon’tneedtoinspirecuriosityandthoughtsandstory-sharingallatthesametime.Theimportantthingisthatyousharedsomethingaboutyourself,andyoucreatedaspacewhereyourpartnercouldsharesomethingaboutthemselves.

Ofcourse,thesandwichshopisjustametaphor.Buttheprincipleofinvitationandinspirationworksinreallifejustaswell.Combineinspirationwithinvitation,andyounowhavethetoolstomakesurethateveryoneofyourconversationsflowssmoothlyandfeelsnatural.

Andyourinstructionsforhowtousethosetoolsisverysimple:

Eachtimethatyouspeak,eithergiveyourpartneranexplicitinvitationtospeak,orsharesomethingthatinspiresyourpartnertoshareinreturn.

That’sit.That’sthecoreofsmoothconversation.

Bonus:TenEasyTipsforImprovingConversation

1.Whenyou'restartingaconversationwithsomeone,referenceyoursocialcontextforyourfirsttopic.Forinstance,ifyouseesomeoneinclass,starttheconversationbyaskingthemwhattheythoughtofthetestyoutookyesterday.Ifyouseesomeoneataparty,askthemhowtheyknowtheparty'shost.

2.Don'tletyourmouthmovefasterthanyourmind.Insteadoftalkingwhenyou'renotsurewhattosay,pauseforamomentandcollectyourthoughts.Nobodywillmindashortdelay,andwhenyouspeak,you'llsoundmuchmorepolished.

3.Gettheotherpersontosharestories,notfacts.“Wheredoyouwork?”isaskingthemforafact.“What'sitliketoworkthere?”willencouragethemtoshareastorywithyou.

4.Don'tgettrappedinaconversationtopicwhenneitheryounortheotherpersonisinterested.Ifyoucantellthatbothofyoufindtheconversationuninteresting,seguetoadifferenttopic.

5.Ifaperson'storsoandfeetstarttopointawayfromyou,theyareprobablyreadytoleavetheconversation(eveniftheirheadisstillpointingtoyou.)Gracefullybringtheconversationtoaclose.Note:Thisruledoesn'tapplyifthereisagoodreasonwhytheirfeetandtorsoshouldfaceawayfromyou(e.g.ifyouareseatedinanairplane.)

6.Ifyou'reaskingmultipleopen-endedquestionsandgettingonlyshortresponses,theotherpersonmightfeeluncomfortableorboredwiththeconversation.(Forexample,ifyouasksomeone,“Howwasyoursummervacation?”andtheysay,“Ok,Iguess,”thatisashortanswertoanopen-endedquestion.)Trychangingtopicsorgivingthemtheopportunitytoendtheconversation.

7.Giveyourselfpermissiontofail.Noteveryconversationisgoingtobeflawless–Istillmakesocialmistakessometimes,andIteachsocialskillsforaliving.Gobythephilosophyof“Sometimesyouwin,andsometimesyoulearn.”Inotherwords,ifyoumessupinaconversation,don'tstressout;justfigureoutwhatyoucanlearnfromtheexperience.

8.Ifyoufeelyourissueswithconversationaremostlycausedbysocialanxietyorself-confidenceissues,considerseeingaprofessionalcounselor.Thereareveryeffectivetherapiesforsocialanxietyandlowself-confidence,andtherightcounselorcouldreallyhelpyou.

9.Ifyoueverfindyourselfatalossforwhattosay,trysharingastoryfromyourownlifethatrelatestosomethingfromearlierintheconversation.

10.Rememberthatconversationisaskilllikeanyother.Ifyoupracticeatitalittleeveryday,you'llgetmuchbetterovertime.Considersettingyourselfagoaltodoone

thingtoimproveyourconversationskillseveryday–perhapsreadingaconversationbook,talkingtoafriend,orgoingtoasocialevent.

Chapter4:GroupConversation

Intheprevioussectiononconversation,Ilaidoutadetailedblueprintforconversation.Iexplainedhowtobuildconversationsthatflowsmoothly,feelcomfortable,andlaythefoundationforgreatrelationships.

However,mostsocialinteractiontakesplaceinagroupsetting,andnavigatingthewatersofgroupconversationcanbemuchtrickierthanone-on-oneconversations.

Trickier,thatis,untilyouknowtheprinciplesbehindgroupconversationsandjoininggroups.Andasluckwouldhaveit,thoseprinciplesarewhatwe’lldiscussnext.

GroupConversationcontainsthreelessons:

OpenandClosedGroupsInordertosuccessfullyjoinagroupatasocialevent,it’simportanttomakesurethegroupiswelcomingtonewmembers.Ifyouknowhowtoreadagroup’sbodylanguage,it’seasytodiscernwhetheragroupisopenorclosedtonewmembers.Inthislesson,Iteachyouthekeysignalsthatshowagroupisopentoyourapproach.

JoiningGroupConversationOnceyou’veidentifiedawelcominggroup,youneedtowalkupandstartparticipatingintheconversation.That’seasiersaidthandone,sothislessonteachesyouthepracticaltechniquesyouneedtojoinnewgroupsandparticipateingroupconversations.

GroupConversationFlowOnceyou’vebegunparticipatinginagroupconversation,howdoyoumakesurethattheconversationcontinuestoflowsmoothly?Andhowdoyouspeakupinconversationswhereyoufeeluncomfortableorontheoutskirts?Thislessonhastheanswers.

OpenandClosedGroups

Inthenextfewlessons,we’lldiscusshowtoparticipateingroupconversations.

However,toparticipateingroupconversations,youneedtojoinagroup.Thatcanbeeasiersaidthandone.

I’veoftenwalkedintoasocialevent,onlytofindeveryonealreadybunchedupinsmallgroups.Nobodywavestoinvitemeintotheirgroup,andIdon’tseeanyothersolitarynewcomerstoclingto.

You’veprobablybeenthere,too,andstandingaloneisarealbummer.Whatdoyoudo?

Well,firstofall,don’tpanic.

Second,takeamomenttoscantheroomforagrouptojoin.Youwanttoquicklycategorizegroupsintoopengroupsandclosedgroups.

Opengroupsandclosedgroupsareexactlywhattheysoundlike.Opengroupsareopentonewpeoplejoiningthem,whileclosedgroupsarenotopentonewcomers.

ClosedGroupsYoucannormallytellwhetheragroupisopenorclosedbylookingattheirbodylanguage.Forinstance,aclosedgroupwillcloseofffromthecrowd—theywillmoveclosertogether,plugthegapsinbetweenmembersofthegroup,andturndirectlytowardseachother.

Closedgroupsarenotnecessarilyunfriendly,andagroupthatisclosednowmightbecomeopenlater.Whenagroupisclosed,allitmeansisthattheyarecontentwiththenumberofpeoplecurrentlyintheconversation,andthey’renotinterestedinmorepeoplejoining.Theymightbeclosedbecausetheyarediscussingasensitivetopic,orsimplybecausetheydon’twanttogothroughtherigmaroleofwelcominganewpersontothegroup.

Peoplerarelymakeaconsciousdecisiontocloseofftheirgroup;theclosedsignalsthatyouseearetheirbodylanguagecommunicatingtheirdesiretobeleftalone.Respectthesignaltheirbodylanguageissending,andfocusinsteadonopengroups.

OpenGroupsOpengroupsaregroupsthatdon’tmindnewpeoplejoiningthem.Theyhavea“themorethemerrier”mindset,andpeoplemightflowinandoutofthesegroupsnaturally.Thesearethegroupsyouwanttotarget.

Theeasiestwaytofindopengroupsisbylookingatbodylanguage.Openbodylanguagewilllookdifferentdependingonhowmanypeopleareinagroup,solet’sexaminethedifferentwaysgroupswillshowtheiropenness.

OnePerson

Openandclosedisnotlimitedtogroups–individualscanalsobeopenandclosed.Oneopenpersonwillbefacingthecrowdandnotbusy.Lookforfullfacings—theirfeet,torsoandfaceallpointedtowardsthecenteroftheroomortowardsthecrowd.Theywilllookalertandexcited,andreadyforsomeonetocomeover.

Incontrast,closedindividualswillbelookingdown,facingtowardsthedoor,orotherwiseorientingthemselvesawayfromthegroup.It’scommontoalsoseethembusywithanactivity–readingabook,texting,etc.

However,it’spossiblethatindividualsthatmightlookclosedwouldactuallylovetobeapproached,butinsteadclosethemselvesoffbecausetheyfeelshyoruncomfortable.Becauseofthis,it’susuallyfinetoapproachaclosedindividualaslongasyouarecautious.Keepaneyeontheirbodylanguage,andbereadytogracefullyexittheconversationifyousensetheywouldrathernottalk.

Inotherwords,iftheylightupwhenyousayhelloandyouseetheirbodylanguagebecomingmorecomfortable,thenyouhaveagreenlighttokeepchatting.Ontheotherhand,iftheirbodylanguageremainsuncomfortableortheyactstandoffishandcold,it’sbestforyoutoexcuseyourself.

TwoorThreePeopleForapairortrioofpeopletalking,lookathowtheyfaceoneanother.Ifgroupmembersarefacingdirectlytowardseachother,theyaremorelikelytobeclosed.Incontrast,ifgroupmembersareangledawayfromoneanother,theymightbehappytohaveyoujointheirgroup.

Todeterminewheresomeoneisfacing,payattentiontowheretheirfeet,torso,andfacearepointed.It’scommontofindtwopeoplewhosefacesarepointedateachother,butwhosefeetandtorsosarefacingthecrowd.Themoreofthosethreefactors(feet,torso,andface)arepointedawayfromothergroupmembers,thestrongertheindicationthatyouwouldbewelcometojointheirgroup.

LargeGroupsForlargegroups,payattentiontotheshapeofthegroup.Opengroupshavegapslargeenoughforyoutowalkthrough.Lookforsomethinglikeahorseshoeshape–thegapinthehorseshoeiswhereyoucanstandtoentertheconversation.Groupswithnolargegapsbetweentheirmembersareclosedoff,andyouwillhaveadifficulttimebreakingintothem.

Also,keepaneyeoutforlargegroupsformedaroundpublicspaces.Bypublicspaces,Imeananareaoractivityatasocialeventthateveryoneiswelcometojoin.Ifyou’reataSuperbowlparty,theTVisapublicspace.Ifyou’recamping,sittingaroundthefireisapublicspace.Groupsformedaroundapublicspacearealmostalwaysopengroups,anditwillusuallybesociallyacceptabletojointhem.

JoiningaGroup

Whenyouknowhowtoreadopenandclosedbodylanguage,findingtherightgrouptojoiniseasy.Justmakesurethatyoucontinuetopayattentiontobodylanguageonceyou’vejoinedagroup.Ifthegroupturnsawayfromyouorotherwiseclosesoff,perhapstheywerenotopenafterall,andyoushouldseekgreenerpastures.Inmostcases,though,thegroupwillstayopenorturntowardsyou—ifthathappens,youcanrelaxandenjoytheconversation.

Ofcourse,it’shardtoenjoytheconversationifyouareonlyalistener.It’sonethingtojoinagroupconversation,andanothertobeafullparticipant.Fortunately,withalittlepracticeyou’llfinditeasytojumpintogroupconversations!

JoiningGroupConversations

Knowledgeofopenandclosedgroupswillguideyoutowardsthebestconversationalgroupstojoin,butyoustillhavetoactuallyjoinagroup.Simplystandingnearanopengroupdoesyounogood;yourgoalistobecomeafullmemberoftheconversation.

It’spossiblethatsomeoneelsewillinviteyouintoagroupwithoutanyeffortonyourpart,butit’sbestnottoleavethingstochance.Onceyou’veapproachedagroup,youneedtobedeliberatetointegrateyourselfintotheconversation.

Fortunately,integratingyourselfintoaconversationiseasywhenyouknowhow.Youhavetwooptionsforintegratinginagroup–thedirectapproachandtheindirectapproach.

TheDirectApproachThedirectapproachissimpleandstraightforward.

Walkuptothegroupandwaitforabriefpauseintheconversationorforattentiontoturntoyou.Then,introduceyourselfandimmediatelyaskafollow-upquestion.

Thetrickhereistohaveaquestiontoaskimmediatelyaftertheintroductions.Ifyouwalkupandintroduceyourself,thenjuststandthere,that’sawkward.Butifyouintroduceyourselfandthenaskanengagingquestion,you’reofftoagoodstart.

Twothingstokeepinmindwiththisquestion,though:

First,makesureyouropeningquestionrelatestothecontext.

Ifyoudon’treferencethecontext,yourquestioncanseemweirdorawkward.Butifyoureferencethecontext,peoplearemuchmorelikelytoacceptyourquestion.

Bycontext,Imeantheenvironmentaroundyou,aswellastheinformationthepersonisdisplayingaboutthemselves.Ifyou’reataparty,thepartyistheenvironmentalcontext,soyoucanaskquestionslike,“Howareyouenjoyingtheparty?”or“Haveyoutriedthechocolatefonduefountainyet?”

Youcanalsolookattheinformationthepersonisdisplayingaboutthemselves–forinstance,thethingsthepersoniswearingortheactivitiesthepersonisparticipatingin.IfsomeoneiswearingaDarthVadershirt,youcouldmentiontheirshirtandaskthemiftheyareaStarWarsfan.Ifsomeonesangakaraokesong,youcouldaskthemwheretheylearnedtosing.

Justmakesurethatit’sclearwhatyou’rereferencing.IfsomeoneiswearingaDarthVadershirtbutyoudon’tmakeanymentionoftheshirtwhenyouaskthemaboutStarWars,theymightbeconfusedbyyourquestion.Otherwise,it’sprettyeasytousethecontextinyouropeningquestion.

Second,makesureyouropeningquestionisopen-endedandengaging.

Idiscussopen-endedquestionsatlengthinthesectiononinvitation,soIwon’trepeatmyselfhere.Butifyou’refuzzyonhowtoaskagoodquestion,makesureyoureadthatsectionandrefreshyourmemorybeforejumpingintoconversations.Remember,yourgoalwiththedirectapproachistogetaconversationrolling,andyoucan’tdothatwithaclosed-endedquestion.

Ofcourse,it’snotalwayseasytojustwalkupandintroduceyourself.Forthetimeswhereamoresubtlemethodisneeded,youcanapplytheindirectapproach.

TheIndirectApproachThedirectapproachrequiresyoutointerruptwhateverthegroupwaspreviouslydiscussing,andredirecttheconversationtowardswhateveryouropeningquestionwas.Withtheindirectapproach,youjoininwiththegroup’sexistingdiscussion.Bothapproachesareperfectlyvalid,sofeelfreetotryboth.

Youhaveafewdifferentoptionsformakinganindirectapproach:

Joinagroupthatincludessomeoneyouknow.

Thisistheeasiestoption.Whenyoujointhegroupcircle,makeeyecontactwithyourfriendandgreettheminsomeway(wave,nod,sayhello).Thegoalistobothletyourfriendknowthatyouarethere,andtoleteveryoneelseinthegroupknowthatthetwoofyouarefriends.Whenthishappens,yourfriendwillofteninviteyouintotheconversation,orsomeoneelseinthegroupwillaskyourfriendtointroduceyou.Eitherway,youhavesuccessfullyjoinedtheconversation.

Jointhegroupwithoutannouncingyourself,thenparticipateasifyouwerethereallalong.

Thiscanfeelawkwardatfirst,butpeoplewillusuallyquicklyacceptyourpresence,especiallyifyou’reinacontext(likeaparty)wherepeoplearemovinginandoutofgroupsallthetime.It’salsomorelikelytoworkwithlargergroups–ifthereareonlytwoorthreepeopleinagroup,youprobablyneedtoannounceyourselfwhenyoujoin.

Also,bearinmindthatthismethodonlyworkswithopengroups.Ifagroupisdisplayingclosedbodylanguage,youcanseriouslyirritatethembywanderingintotheirconversationuninvited,sobecareful.Ifyou’renotsurewhetherornotagroupisopen,it’sbesttonotusethisapproach.

Joinbymentioningsomethingyouoverheard.

Thisworksbestifyouarenearthegroupandcanlistenforaperiodoftimebeforejoining.Justlistenuntilyouoverhearsomethingthatyoucancommenton,thenturntothegroupandsaysomethinglike,“Wait,areyouguystalkingaboutthenewSwitchfootalbum?Iliketheirolderstuff–doyouthinkIshouldgetthenewalbum?”Don’tspendverymuchtimelisteningfortheperfecttopictojumpinon.Evenifyoursegueisslightlyforced,peoplewillusuallyacceptit.

EnjoyingGroupConversationOnceyou’vejoinedaconversation,relaxandenjoy.Makesureyouspeakupeverynowandthen,butdon’tmonopolizetheconversation(otherpeoplewanttotalktoo).Usegroupconversationsasaplacetolearnmoreaboutpotentialfriends.Ifyouconnectwithsomeoneinagroupconversation,trytochatwiththemlaterone-on-oneandgettoknowthembetter.

Ofcourse,therearesomeprinciplesofgroupconversationthatwillhelpyoumakethemostofthoseinteractionsandincreaseyourchancesofmakinganewfriendfromagroupconversation.Ournextlessontellsyoueverythingyouneedtoknowaboutsmoothflowinggroupconversation,sokeepreading!

GroupConversationFlow

Intheprevioussectiononconversation,wediscussedhowinvitationandinspirationworktogethertohelpconversationsflow.Withalittlepractice,youwillfinditeasytouseinvitationsorinspirationstoavoidawkwardpausesandkeeptheconversationflowing.

Theseprinciplescanalsobeadaptedtogroupconversations.Groupconversationistricky,becauseitforcesyoutodivideyourattentionamongallmembersofthegroup.Butwithalittlepractice,you’llfindgroupconversationcanbejustasrewardingandfunasone-on-oneconversation

GroupConversationFlowConversationflowisjustasimportantingroupsasitisintwo-personconversation.Nomatterhowmanypeopleareparticipatinginaconversation,it’simportantfortheconversationtoflowsmoothlyandfeelcomfortable.

However,yourroleincreatingconversationflowwillbedifferentwhentherearemorepeopleintheconversation.

Intwo-personconversation,youhelpedtocreateflowbyensuringthatyourpartneralwayswantedtospeakonceyoustoppedspeaking.Butwhentherearemultiplepeopleintheconversation,flowtakesadifferentform.Becausetherearemanyparticipantsintheconversation,it’slikelytherewillalwaysbeatleastonepersonwhoiswillingtospeakup.

Thismeansthatinspirationisnotasessential.It’sstillimportanttosharesomethingthatinspiresotherstoshareaswell,butwithmultipleparticipantstheconversationislikelytocontinueevenifyoudon’tinspireanyoneelsetoshare.

LettingEveryonebeHeardHowever,it’snotuncommonforafewspeakerstomonopolizetheconversation,whileeveryoneelseinthegroupsimplylistens.Whileonoccasionthisisok–sometimesfolksjustwanttolisten–it’snotgoodwhensomeonewantstospeakbutdoesn’tfeelincluded.That’swhyit’simportanttomakesurethateverypersonintheconversationfeelsinvitedtospeak.

Thismeansexactlywhatitsoundslike.Periodically,trytomakeinvitationstothosewhohavenotspokenmuch,sotheyhavetheopportunitytojointheconversation.Askthemaquestion,ortheiropinion,orsaysomethinglike,“Ohyeah,Jackhadanexperiencelikethat–Jack,whydon’tyoutellusaboutthetimeyou…”Whenyoudo,theywillfeelencouragedtospeak,andlaterintheconversationtheywillbemorelikelytochimeinwithoutneedinganinvitation.

It’sdoublyimportanttodothisifyounoticesignsofdiscomfortfromsomeonewhoisnotspeaking.Ifsomeoneisshowingsignsofdiscomfortandisnotspeakingup,theymightfeelexcludedorwonderiftheyarereallywantedintheconversationgroup.Dispeltheirfearsbydrawingthemintotheconversation,andyouwilllikelyberewardedbyseeingtheirbody

languagerelax.

Now,youdon’tneedtobeonconstantpatrolforpeoplewhoarenotspeakingup.Yourprimaryfocusshouldbeonenjoyingtheconversation.Butwhenyounoticesomeonewhohasfallensilent,extendinganinvitationtothemwillkeeptheconversationflowing.

Pluswhenyoudrawsomeoneintoaconversation,youmakethemfeelwelcomeandincluded.I’veexperiencedbeingontheoutskirtsofagroupatvarioustimesinmylife,andIstillrememberthepeoplewhomadethespecialefforttodrawmein.Whenyoumakeanefforttoinvitepeopletoparticipateintheconversation,younotonlyencouragetheconversationtoflow,butyoumightsparkthebeginningofafriendship.

LettingYourselfbeHeardOfcourse,sometimesyouaretheonewhofeelsontheoutskirtsofagroup.Whatdoyoudointhatsituation?

Well,there’snoone-size-fits-allperfectsolution.Butinordertofindtherightsolutionforyou,justfollowonesimplerule:Self-examinetoseewhereyourfeelingsofexclusionarecomingfrom

It’simportanttoknowwhyyoufeelexcludedinagroupbecausethesourceofthosefeelingswillhelpdeterminehowyourespondtothosefeelings.Doyoufeellikeyouareontheoutskirtsbecausenobodyinthegroupistalkingwithyou?Well,perhapsyouneedtotakethefirststepandbemoredeliberatetojointheirconversation.

Doyoufeelexcludedbecausegroupmembersareactivelymakingfunofyouandputtingyoudown,orbecausegroupmembershavemadeitexplicitlycleartheydon’twanttospendtimewithyou?Well,chancesarethefolksinthatgrouparenotgoodfriendmaterialanyway.Youshouldcutyourlosses,leavethatgroup,andspendtimewithpeoplewhowillbegoodfriendstoyou.

Doyourfeelingsofexclusionspringfromyourownsocialanxietyratherthantheactualbehaviorofthegroupmembers?Perhapsyoushouldspendsometimegettingintouchwithyourownfeelings,soyoucantellwhenotherstrulydon’twantyouthereorwhenyoursenseofexclusionissimplyyouranxietytalking.

Nomatterwhyyoufeelexcluded,you’llfindthattakingthetimetoreflectonthesourceofyourfeelingsmakesiteasytodevelopanappropriateresponse.Andwhenyouknowhowtorespond,you’llbeabletonegateyourfeelingsofexclusionandenjoyeverythinggroupconversationhastoofferyou.Nomorebeingheldbackbyfearorawkwardness.Justyou,somesoon-to-be-friends,andsmooth,enjoyablegroupconversation.That’sagoalworkworkingfor.

Chapter5:Empathy

Empathyistheartofseeingtheworldassomeoneelseseesit.Whenyouhaveempathy,itmeansyoucanunderstandwhatapersonisfeelinginagivenmomentandunderstandwhyotherpeople’sactionsmadesensetothem.

Empathyhelpsustocommunicateourideasinawaythatmakessensetoothers,andithelpsusunderstandotherswhentheycommunicatewithus.Itisoneofthefoundationalbuildingblocksofgreatsocialinteractionand,quiteobviously,powerfulstuff.

Buthowdoyougetempathy?Howdoyouunderstandwhatsomeoneelseisfeeling,ifthatisn’thappeningautomatically?

Well,toacertainextentwearealldesignedtonaturallyempathizewithothers.Ourbrainsarewiredtoexperiencetheemotionsthatsomeoneelseisfeeling.That’swhywewincewhensomeonehitstheirhandwithahammer,orwhywe’remorelikelytolaughifsomeoneelseislaughingtoo.There’sanexcellentbookcalledSocialIntelligenceonthistopic,whichexplainsalloftheresearchbehindthisnaturalempathy.

Unfortunately,onlyafewpeoplehaveexcellentnaturalempathy.Ourempathicwiringexistsonacontinuum.Somepeoplehavefantasticnaturalempathyandcanpickuponhowsomeoneelseisfeelingjustbylookingatthem.Somepeoplehaveonlyatinyamountofnaturalempathy,andtheywon’tnoticethatyouareangryuntilyoustartyelling.Mostpeopleliesomewhereinthemiddleandunderstandhowsomeoneelseisfeelingonlypartofthetime.

Fortunately,empathyisparttalentandparttraining.Dependingonyourstartinglevelofability,gettingbetteratempathymightrequiremoreorlessworkthansomeoneelse–butnomatterwhatyourstartingpoint,youcanteachyourselftobebetteratempathy.

Andthissectionisheretoteachyouhow.

Empathycontainsthreelessons:

UnderstandingYourselfIfyouwanttounderstandtheemotionsofothers,youhavetolearntoempathizewithyourself.UnderstandingYourselfwaswrittentohelpyouunderstandandacceptyouremotions.Understandingandacceptingyourownfeelingsisessentialforahealthylife,andit’sthefoundationofempathizingwithothers.

UnderstandingOthersThroughpracticeandacommitmenttothoughtfulness,anyonecanlearntounderstandhowothersarethinkingandfeeling.UnderstandingOthersistheblueprintthatshowsyouhow.

NonverbalEmpathyWhenyouunderstandwhatsomeoneelseisthinkingorfeeling,itbecomeseasiertointeractwiththem.Butthere’sanonverbalaspecttointeractionthatdeservesspecialattention.Theknowledgeyougainfromempathycanhelpyoutouseappropriatenonverbalcommunication.NonverbalEmpathyexplainshow.

UnderstandingYourself

Learningtoempathizewithothersisakeyskillinsocialinteractions.Ifyouunderstandwhatotherpeoplearethinkingandfeeling,you’llbeabletobeabetterfriendandhavebetterinteractions.

However,tolearntoempathizewithothers,youfirstneedtolearntoempathizewithyourself.

Thatsoundsreallytouchy-feely,butstickwithme.Thisisimportant,andincrediblypractical.Learningtoempathizewithyourselfmeanslearningtounderstandandacceptwhatyou’refeelingandwhyyou’refeelingit.

Ifyou’refeelingangry,youshouldbeabletorecognize,“Ifeelangry,”andunderstandthereasonswhyyoufeelangry.Youshouldbeokwithfeelingyouremotionsandnotignorethemorstiflethem.

Fundamentally,ifsomethingreallybadhappenedtoyou,itshouldbeOKthatyoufeelsad.Youshouldgiveyourselfpermissiontofeelsad.Sometimes,wegetthisideathatweneedtoacthappyallthetime,orthatourproblemsarenotasimportantastheproblemsofothers,sowefeelselfishwhenwearesadorupset.

Butthat’snottrue.Yourproblemsmatter,becauseyoumatter.Andifsomethingishappeningtohurtyouormakeyoufeelsad,it’soktoexpressthatsadnessandtoletyourselffeelthatsadness.Youdon’thavetokeepthatbottledup.

AcceptingYourEmotionsOfcourse,it’sagreatideatotrytoimproveyoursituation,sowhateveriscausingyoutofeelsadisn’tcausingthatsadnessanymore.Youdon’thavetoSTAYsad.

And,althougheveryonegetssadorangrysometimes,ifitseemslikeyou’resadorangryallthetime,youshouldthinkseriouslyaboutseeingacounselor.Justlikeadoctorcanhelpyouhealphysically,acounselorcanhelpyouhealemotionally,andthere’snoshameintalkingtoone.

Thatgoesformorethanjustunderstandingemotions,bytheway.Ifyou’restrugglingwithdepressionoranxietyorlonelinessoranynumberofotherthings,seeacounselor.There’snoshameinit,anditmightjustchange–orsave–yourlife.(Ifyouneedtotalktosomeonerightaway,call1-800-442-HOPEandyou’llbeconnectedtoavolunteercounselorforfree.)

Butthepointisthatyoushouldgiveyourselfpermissiontoexperiencethefeelingsyouhave.Ifsomethingbadhappenedtoyou,it’sokthatyoufeelsad.Youshouldfeelcomfortabletellingfriendsandfamilywhatyou’refeeling,evenwhenyou’renotfeelingpositive,orevenwhenyou’renotsurewhyyoufeelthewayyoudo.Onafundamentallevel,youshouldacceptthatyouremotionsareapartofyou,andjustasyouneedtoacceptyourself,youneedtoacceptyouremotions.

Takeasecondandre-readthroughthatparagraphagain.No,really.Gobackandreadit.I’llwait.

UnderstandingYourEmotionsAskyourselfseriouslyifthesethingsaretrueforyou.Doyouunderstandthecauseofyouremotionswhenyoufeelsomething?Doyougiveyourselfpermissiontofeelanemotion?Doyouacceptthatit’soktofeelthewayyoudo?Doyouhaveahealthywaytoexpressthoseemotions?

Iftheanswertoanyofthosequestionsis,“No,”or,“I’mnotsure,”thentakesometimetothinkthroughhowyouexperienceemotions.Askyourselfwhyyouareansweringinthatway,andwhatyouneedtodotobetterempathizewithyourself.Talkwithsomeoneyoutrustandgettheiradviceandsupport,orconsidermakinganappointmentwithacounselor.

Itmighttakesometimetoprocessthroughthis,butit’sworththeinvestment.Havingasolidandhealthyunderstandingofyourownemotionshelpsyoutoliveahappy,healthylife.Humansareemotionalbeings,andyouremotionsareapartofwhoyouare.

And,ofcourse,emotionsareapartofeveryoneelse,too.Ifyouunderstandwhatit’slikewhenyoufeelanemotion,you’llbebetterabletounderstandandinteractwithapersonwhoisfeelingsomethingsimilar.Soevenifyoudon’twanttounderstandyouremotionsforyourownsake,doitforthesakeofyourrelationshipswithothers.It’sworthit.

ThinkingItThroughIhaveanexerciseforyoutodotoday.Itmightseemalittleweird,buttrustme–Ithinkyou’llfindalotofbenefittoit.

Asyougothroughtheday,keepaneyeonyouremotions,andlookforthetimesinwhichyouarefeelingsomething(whetherthatsomethingisfrustrationorhappinessorsadnessorboredomoranythingelse).Then,takethetimetothinkthroughwhyyou’refeelingthatway.

Iwantyoutogobelowthesurfacehere.It’seasytohavesomeonecutyouoffintrafficandsay,“Well,IfeelangrybecauseIwascutoff.”Butifyouthinkabitdeeper,youmightfindthatyou’reangrybecausetheotherdriverdisrespectedyou,andyouoftendon’tfeelrespectedinyourotherrelationships.Or,youmightfeelangrybecauseyou’rehurtingfromahardtimethatyou’regoingthrough,butyou’renotacknowledgingthatpain.Youmightevenrealizeyoudon’thaveagoodreasontobeangry,andthenyourangerfadesaway.

Thinkthroughyouremotioninwhateverwayworksbestforyou.Perhapsyoumightsetasidesometimeattheendofthedaytogoforawalk,soyouhaveaquiettimetothink.Perhapsyoucouldwritedownyourthoughtsonyouremotionsfortheday,andthencompareyournotesfromdifferentdaystolookfortrends.Orperhapsyoushouldaskafriendorfamilymembertohelpyouunderstandyouremotions,andtalkitoverwiththem.

Whatevertheresult,Ithinkyou’llfindattheendofthedayyouunderstandyourselfabitbetter,

whichinturnwillmakeiteasierforyoutounderstandothers.Giveitatry.Andwhenyoufeelyouarestartingtounderstandyourownemotions,readontofindouthowtounderstandtheemotionsofothers.

UnderstandingOthers

Inthelastlesson,wetalkedabouthowtoempathizewithyourself.Empathizingwithyourselfhelpsyoutoempathizewithothers,becauseifyouunderstandyourownfeelingsitiseasiertounderstandthefeelingsofothers.

However,ifyoureallywanttounderstandothers,youneedmorethanself-empathy.Youalsoneedtospendsometimethinkingaboutthewayotherpeopleunderstandtheworld.

Thissoundscomplicated,butitreallyboilsdowntoonething:

Trainyourselftoaskthequestion“Howdoesthissituationappeartotheotherperson?”duringeveryinteraction–andspendthebraincyclesnecessarytothinkofareasonableanswer.

Thegoalhereisnottobeamindreaderortoknowwithcertaintywhattheotherpersonisthinking.Allyouneedtodoisimaginewhatitwouldbeliketobethatperson,andmakesomereasonableguessesaboutwhatthatpersonisthinkingorfeeling.

EmpathyandtheArtofSockCollectionForinstance,let’ssayafriendcornersyouandstartschattingaboutatopicyoufindexcruciatinglyboring(theirsockcollection,perhaps).

Ifyouviewthesituationfromyourperspective,you’reliabletogetfrustratedandsnapatyourfriend–theyshouldhaveknownhowboringsocksaretoyou!

Butifyoutakethetimetolookatitfromthefriend’sperspective,yougetabetterunderstandingoftheiractions.Mostlikely,ifthepersonisyourfriend,theycareaboutyouandthey’renottryingtoboreyou.Chancesarethatintheirexcitementtotellsomeoneabouttheirnewalpacawoolcrewsocks,theyjustforgothowboringsocksaretoyou.

Fromyourperspective,youhavebeentrappedinaboringconversation.Fromtheirperspective,they’resharingsomethingexcitingwithyou.

Onceyoutakethetimetolookatitfromtheirperspective,youcanhandlethesituationinamuchbetterway.Youwon’tsnapatthemnow–youunderstandthattheydon’tmeantoboreyou.

Instead,youmighttrytogentlychangethesubject.Or,youmightdecidethisisanopportunitytogrowclosertoyourfriend,andusetheconversationtofindoutmoreaboutsomething(socks!)thatisimportanttothem.

TheDangerofYourPerspectiveUnfortunately,ournaturaltendencyistoseethingsfromourownperspective(that’swhyit’scalledOURperspective.)

Ratherthantryingtofindouthowtheotherpersonseesthings,wetrytoconvincethemtoseethingsourway.Insteadofacceptingthattheotherpersonwillalwaysseethingsdifferently,wegetangryatthemfornotseeingthingsthesamewaywedo.

Iusedtobeguiltyofthisallthetime.Iwoulddosomethingthatmyparentsfounddisrespectful,sotheywouldgetupsetwithme.Then,Iwouldgetupsetwiththemforbeingupsetwithme!

Ididn’tmeantobedisrespectful,soIbecameindignantwhentheyaccusedmeofdisrespect–itseemedlikemymotivesshouldhavebeenobvioustothem!

TheNeedforDisciplineEverythingchangedonceIstartedtotrainmyselfinempathy,Ibegantoaskmyself,“Whyaremyparentssoupset?”AndwhenIreallythoughtthroughthatquestion,IrealizedthateventhoughIdidn’tmeandisrespect,myparentsstillfeltdisrespected.Ihavegreatparents,butthey’renotmind-readers,andsotheycouldn’tknowmymotives–onlymyactions.

OnceIrealizedthis,Iwasmuchbetterequippedtohandleourconflictinapositiveway.Iwouldaskmyself,“Howwouldthislooktomyparents?”whenIwasconsideringanaction,whichhelpedmeavoidsayingordoingsomethingthatwouldupsetmyparents.Ourrelationshipimproved,andconflictwithmyparentsbecamemuchlesscommon.

Isharethatexampletoillustrateakeypoint.Whenpeopledosomethingthatseemsirrationaltoyou,itstillmakessensefromtheirperspective.Ifyoutakethetimetostepbackandask,“Ok,whyisthispersonbehavinglikethis?”youwillusuallyfindareasonableanswer,andthatanswerwillhelpyourespondbetter.

Butaskingthatquestiondoesn’thappenautomatically.Youneedtomakeadeliberatedecisiontoaskyourself,“Howdoesthislooktotheotherperson?”Youneedtobewillingtosurrenderyourinsistencethattheotherpersonseesthingsyourway.Andyouneedtodothisagainandagainandagain,untilitbecomesautomatic.

ThePowerofTrueEmpathyBuildingempathyisnoteasy.I’lladmitthat.

Butasyoucontinuetoaskyourself,“Howdoesthissituationappeartotheotherperson?”somethingremarkablewilloccur.Thequestionitselfwillbecomelessandlessnecessary.Youwillstarttointuitivelysensehowtheotherpersonisfeeling.

Inotherwords,youwillstarttodeveloptrueempathy.

Thisdoestaketime.You’vespentalongtimelookingattheworldexclusivelythroughyourownperspective,soyouwillhavetooverwritemanyyearsofhabit.Buttrustme,it’sworthit.

Ihaveanexerciseforyoutoday,too.Youmightfinditdifficultatfirst,butitwillkick-startyourabilitytobuildempathytowardsothers.Here’stheexercise:

Intheconversationsyouhavetoday,askyourself,“Whatistheotherpersonthinkingandfeelingrightnow?Howaretheyperceivingthisinteraction?”Ofcourse,youwon’tknowforsureifyourguessisaccurate,butmorelikelythannot,you’llbeclose.

Onceyoufeelcomfortableaskingthatquestion,seeifyoucanactonthatknowledge.Maybethegrocerystoreclerksays,“Hi,”toyouinadullvoice,andyourealize,“Gosh,thispersonhasprobablybeenworkingallday,andthey’refeelingwornout.”Well,seeifyoucancheerthemup!Tellthemthey’redoingagreatjob,complimentthemontheirsmile,oraskthemwheretheygottheirearrings.

Itwilltaketimetobecomecomfortablewiththis,butitbecomeseasiereachtimeyoudoit.Onceyoulearntodevelopempathywithothers,itwillbecomesecondnaturetoshowempathytothem.

NonverbalEmpathy

Whenyouaskyourselfwhatotherpeoplearethinkingandfeeling,yougaininsightintohowbesttointeractwiththem.Thisinsighthelpsyoudefuseconflictandguidetheconversation.

Thereisanonverbalelementtorespondingtoempathyaswell.Ifyourealizeafriendissadbutaskthem,“What’swrong?”inaverycheerfulway,yourfriendmightthinkyoudon’treallycare.Butwhenyouchangeyourtonetosoundsympatheticandconcerned,yourfriendismorelikelytobelieveyouwanttohearwhat’swrong.Asyoumightremember,yourwordsandyournonverbalsignalsworktogethertocommunicate,andyouwantthemtobeinharmony.

Now,IrealizeI’vegivenyoualottoworkonalready.Empathywilleventuallybecomesecondnatureforyou,butitcanbealotofworktotrainyourselftobeawareofwhattheotherpersonisthinkingandfeeling.Whenyouaddtheneedtomanageyourownnonverbalsignals,empathycanseemoverwhelming.

Butdon’tworry.Nonverbalempathyisactuallyverysimple.Similartothewaythatbodylanguageboilsdowntojusttwosignals,thereareonlytwononverbalempathyoptionsyouneedtoworryabout:whethertobehigh-energyorlow-energy.

WhatdoImeanbyhigh-energyandlow-energy?

HighandLowEnergyDefinedWhensomeoneishighenergy,theytendtoact

Excited

Expressive

Loud

Incontrast,whensomeoneislowenergy,theytendtoact

Reserved

Relaxed

Quiet

Notethathigh-energydoesn’talwaysmeanhappy,andlow-energydoesn’talwaysmeansad.Someonewhohasjustwonthelotterymightjumpupandrunaroundtheroomcelebrating,ortheymightleanbackintheirchairwithaslow,satisfiedsmilespreadingacrosstheirface.Botharehappyresponses,butoneishigh-energyandoneislow-energy.

Alsonotethatpeoplewillfeelhigh-energysometimesandlow-energyothertimes.Whenyouseeyourfriendinamomentofexcitement,youshouldconclude,“Myfriendisfeelinghigh-energyrightnow,”ratherthandecide,“Myfriendisalwayshigh-energy.”

EnergyandEmpathyTheideaofhigh-energyandlow-energyissimpleenough.Buthowdoesitapplytoempathy?

Well,ifyourpartnerishigh-energy,trytobehigh-energy.

Andifyourpartnerislow-energy,trytobelow-energy.

Here’swhatImeanbythat.

Let’ssayyoumeetafriendfordinner.Yourfriendhashadabusyday,andyounoticetheyarelessboisterousthanusual.Theyareclearlyfeelinglow-energy.

You,ontheotherhand,areveryexcitedabouttherestaurant.Soyougushaboutthefoodandtheambiance,youflirtwiththewaitstaff,andingeneral,youactexpressiveandexcited.Yourfriend,meanwhile,picksatherfoodandwishesyouwouldsettledown,soshecouldhaveaquietconversationwithyou.

Inotherwords,youarebeinghigh-energy,andyourfriendisbeinglow-energy.Yourfriendwantsarestfulevening,whileyouwanttopartyandbegoofy.Becausethere’samismatch,itmakesitharderforyoutoconnectwithyourfriend.

NonverbalEnergyMatchingButifyoumatchyourenergyleveltoyourfriend’senergylevel,theeveningwillgomuchbetter.Whenyounoticeyourfriendislow-energy,youcanactmorereservedandsedated,evenifyouarefeelingexcited.Or,ifyounoticeyourfriendishigh-energy,youcanrespondbyactingmoreexpressiveandboisterous.

Notethatyoushouldmatchyourpartner’senergylevel,notexceedit.Ifyourpartnerisrelaxedandsedate,youshouldbelow-energy,butthere’snoneedtoactlikeEeyore.Ifyourpartnerisboisterousandloud,youshouldbehigh-energy,butthere’snoneedtogocrazy.

Energymatchingappliestosocialsituations,too,notjusttoindividuals.Forinstance,aformaleventislikelytobelow-energy,(soit’swisetobesomberandreserved,evenifyoufeelexcited),whereasapartyislikelytobehigh-energy(soit’swisetobemoreexpressiveandboisterous,evenifyoufeelrelaxed.)Whenenteringasocialsituationforthefirsttime,takeamomenttofigureouttheenergylevelofthesituation,andthenuseittoguideyourownenergylevel.

Ofcourse,yourownenergylevelmatters,too.Ifyou’refeelinghigh-energyorlow-energy,it’soktoexpressthat,evenifyourpartnerisfeelingsomethingdifferent.Butit’swisetostartbymatchingyourenergyleveltoyourpartner,andthenmovebacktoyournaturalenergylevel.Thisallowsyourpartnertomoveenergylevelswithyou.

Whenyoumonitortheenergylevelsofthosearoundyouandadjustyourownenergylevelaccordingly,you’llfindconnectingwithotherstobemucheasier.Plus,you’realsopracticingbeingawareofwhatothersarethinkingandfeeling,whichwillfeedbackintoyourstudyof

empathyingeneral.

Asyoubegintomasterempathy,you’llfindyourselfunderstandingothersbetter,havingfewerconflicts,andbuildingbetterrelationships.That’sarewardwellworththeeffort.

Chapter6:MeetingPeople

Ok.You’vepracticedyourconversationtechnique.You’vebrusheduponbodylanguage,andyou’restartingtotrainyourselftoseethingsfromyourpartner’sperspective.Youfeelreadytogooutandmakesomefriends.

Unfortunately,unlessyouarefive,yourMomisnotgoingtosetupplaydatesforyou.Theresponsibilityformeetingpeopleandcreatingaconnectionwiththemfallssquarelyinyourlap.

Thisisatoughresponsibilitybecauseitmeansgoingoutsideyourcomfortzone.Unlessyouareanaturalextrovert,youprobablypreferspendingtimebyyourselforwithpeoplethatyoualreadyknow.Asocialeventfilledwithstrangerscanfeeloverwhelminganddraining.

Fortunately,meetingpeopleisnotashardasyouthink.

Socialeventsdon’tneedtofeellikeyouversusaroomfullofstrangers.Whenyoufindagroupthatfitsyourpersonalityandinterests,it’smucheasiertofeelcomfortableandconnectwithpotentialfriends.Learnhowtoidentifytherightgroups,andyou’llfindthatmeetingpeopleismucheasier.

Plus,youdon’thavetobelimitedtomakingfriendsatsocialevents.Potentialconnectionsareallaroundyou–fromaclassmatesittingnexttoyoutoabaristatakingyourorder.Learntotakeadvantageoftheconnectionopportunitiesthatlifesendsyourway,andyou’llfindyourselfrichlyrewarded.

Inotherwords,therearebedrockprinciplesthatyoucanlearntotaketheguessworkoutofmeetingpeopleandmakingnewfriends.That’swhatthissectionisallabout.Let’sdivein.

MeetingPeoplecontainsthreelessons:

FindingYourGroupSocialgroupsarenotcreatedequal.Somegroupswillmakeitmucheasiertomakefriendsthanothers.Inthissection,Ishowyouhowtofindtherightgroupforyou.

EverydayConnectionsSocialgroupsarenotyouronlyoptionformeetingnewpeople.Inthissection,Iexplainhowconnectingonaperson-to-personlevelallowsyoutomakefriendswiththepeopleyoumeetinyourdaytodaylife

Person-to-PersonConnectionsWhenyouconnectwithpeopleonaperson-to-personlevel,youopenthedoortoanewfriendship.ThislessonbuildsontheadviceintheEverydayConnectionslessonandgivespracticalguidelinesforconnectingwithothersonaperson-to-personlevel.

FindingYourGroup

Ifyouasksomeoneforadviceonmeetingnewpeople,theywillprobablyrespond,“Gojoinsomesocialgroups.”

That’strue,butnotveryhelpful.Notallsocialgroupsarecreatedequal,andifyoujoinagroupthatisapoorfitforyou,itwillbehardtomakefriends.

Soundsobvious,Iknow.Butpeopleoftenmissthis.

Manypeoplesignupforgroupswilly-nilly,thenfindthemselvesstuckinboringgroupswithboringpeople.Becausethesegroupsarenotagoodfitforthem,theyfindithardtomakeconnections,andbecauseit’shardtomakeconnections,theirmotivationtogotosocializewithersaway.Afterafewfruitlessattemptsatconnection,theyrevertbacktotheircomfortzoneandgiveuponmakingfriends(untiltheirnextburstofdetermination,whenthiscyclerepeats.)

Don’tletthatbeyou.Breakoutofthecycleofboringgroupsandboringpeople,andfindthegroupsthatgiveyouagreatchanceatmakingfriends.

TheDNAofaGreatGroupWhenyouknowwhattolookfor,it’seasytoidentifythesegroups.Andit’seasytoknowwhattolookfor–justreadon!

Lookforgroupsbuiltaroundsomethingyoulove.Idon’tmeansomethingthatyoulike,orsomethingthatyoukindofenjoy,butsomethingthatyoulove.Whenyouhaveasharedpassionwithothermembersofthegroup,youwillnaturallybuildaquickrapportaroundthatpassion.Plus,yoursharedpassionwillgiveyoulotstotalkabout,whichmakesbuildingafriendshipmucheasier.

Theeasiestwaystodiscoverthesekindsofgroupsistodoonlineresearch.AGooglesearchfor[yourpassion]+[yourcity]willoftenyieldlotsofresults.Siteslikemeetup.comorthesubRedditforyourcityarealsogreatsourcestolookforgroupsrelatedtoyourpassion.

You’renotlimitedtoonlineresearch,either.Ifyourpassionhasashopassociatedwithit(forinstance,ifyourpassionissci-finovels,thenabookstoreisyourshop),there’sagoodchanceyoucanfindlike-mindedfolksthere.Volunteeringisanothergoodoption–ifyouloveanimals,volunteeringattheanimalshelterisagreatwaytogivebackaswellasmeetnewpeople.

Lookforgroupsthatyourfriendsareinvolvedwith.Ifsomeoneyoualreadyknowisinagroup,theycanintroduceyoutoothersandincludeyouinconversations.It’smucheasiertomeetnewpeoplewhenyouhaveafriendtohelpyouout.

Tofindoutaboutthegroupsyourfriendsarein,youhavetwooptions.Thefirstistojuststayalertinconversation.Ifyouaskafriendwhatthey’redoingovertheweekend,andtheytellyou

thataboutagroupthattheyareattending,it’sappropriateforyoutoexpressinterestandaskifyoucouldcheckoutthegroup.Theotheroptionistotellyourfriendsthatyouarelookingfornewgroupstogetinvolvedwith,andasktheiradvice.

Bothoptionswillusuallyresultinaninvitation,althoughifyourfriendsseemuncomfortableabouttheideaofinvitingyoutotheirgroups,don’tpressthemonit.Sometimespeopleliketokeeptheirfriendgroupsseparate,sodon’tbeoffendedifafrienddoesn’tfeelcomfortablewiththeideaofbringingyoutoanothergroup.

Lookforgroupsthatfocusonimprovingpeopleskills.Wheneveryoneelseatagroupisalsolearningpeopleskills,youareguaranteedtohaveasharedinterest.Plus,thesegroupsofferyouanopportunitytolearnnewsocialskillsandmakenewfriendsatthesametime.

ThemostcommonofthesegroupsisToastmasters,whichisapublicspeakinggroup.Althoughpublicspeakingisdifferentfromhavingaconversation,practicingpublicspeakingwillgreatlyhelpyourpoise,confidence,andcomfortinconversation.

Ofcourse,publicspeakingisnottheonlyskillthatwillhelpyouinyoursocialinteractions.Partnerdancinglessonsareagreatwaytobecomecomfortablewithphysicaltouchandtolearnhowtousephysicalcontactappropriately.Improvtheaterclasseswillimproveyourself-confidenceandteachyoutothinkonyourfeet.Martialartsmightimproveyourdisciplineandreduceyouranxiety.Yougettheidea–lookforgroupsthatgiveyouanopportunitytolearnsomethingthatwillimproveyourpeopleskills.

Lookforgroupsthatmeetonaregularbasis.It’smucheasiertomakefriendshipswhengroupsmeetregularlybecauseyouwillhavemoreopportunitiestoestablishaconnectionwithpeople.Forinstance,ifthegroupmeetsweekly,thenyoucanmeetsomeonethefirstweek,learnthatyoubothenjoyfishingthesecondweek,andtheninvitethemtogofishingonthethirdweek.That’smucheasierthanhavingtomakeallofthathappenthefirsttimeyoumeetsomeone,orspacingthosethreeinteractionsoverthreemonths.

TheRightGroupforYouRemember,there’snoperfectgroup.Youmightneverfindagroupthatincludesalloftheseidealcharacteristics.Butyourgoalisnottofindtheperfectgroup–it’stofindtherightgroupforyou.Theprinciplesinthislessonwillhelpguideyoursearch,butdon’tbeafraidtotryagroupthatdoesn’tmeetallofthesecriteria,anddon’thesitatetoaddyourowncriteriatothelist.

Attheendoftheday,ifyouenjoygoingtoagroupandyoufeelcomfortablemakingfriendswiththepeoplethere,thenit’sagoodgroupforyou.Keepthatinmind,andyou’llhavenoproblemfindinggreatgroups.

EverydayConnections

Inourlastlesson,wediscussedhowtofindtherightsocialgroupforyou.Socialgroupsareagreatwayofmeetingpeople,andsigningupforanewgroupisagreatwaytokick-startsomefriendships.

However,organizedsocialgroupsarenotyouronlyopportunitytomeetnewpeople.Relationshipscansparkanytimetwopeopleinteract,andgreatrelationshipscanstartwheneveracustomerchatswithawaiterortravelersstrikeupaconversation.

Makingthemostoftheseeverydayconnectionsiseasy.Allyouneedtodoisconnectwithothersonaperson-to-personlevel,notafunctionallevel.

Here’swhatImean.

FunctionalInteractionsWhenyouwalkintoacoffeeshopandordercoffeefromthebarista,youareinteractingonafunctionallevel.Youareorderingcoffee,thebaristaisgivingyoucoffee.

Or,perhapsyousitnexttosomeoneonaplaneandonlytalktothemwhenyouneedtousetherestroom.Again,functionallevel.Yougotothebathroom,theygetoutofyourway.

Whenyouinteractwithpeopleonafunctionallevel,youreducethemtoanobstacleinyourpathorameanstoanend.Abaristagivesyouacoffeefix—that’shisfunction.Afellowtravelerblocksyourpathtothebathroom—he’sanobstacle.

Buthere’sthething.Thebaristatakingyourorderatacoffeeshopisnotaroboticcoffeemachine;they’reaperson,withdreamsandpassionsandalifeoutsideofmakingcappuccinos.Thepersonsittingnexttoyouontheplaneisnotjustabodyblockingyourpath,butafellowtravelerwhomightbereturninghomefromalongjourneyorvisitingasicklovedone.

Itcanbehardforustorealizethis,becauseit’seasytoseethebaristaasameanstoacoffeefixandnothingmore.Butwhenourinteractionwiththemiscompletelylimitedtocoffee,wemissourchancetoconnectwiththemonaperson-to-personlevel.

Fortunately,itdoesn’thavetobethatway.

Person-To-PersonConnectionsWhenyouconnectwithsomeoneonaperson-to-personlevel,youlifttheinteractionbeyondthefunctionallevelandallowrealconnectiontotakeplace.

Toconnectonaperson-to-personlevel,justsayordosomethingthatcommunicatethemessage:“Irecognizethatyouaremorethanameanstoanend.”Youcancommunicatethismessageinmanydifferentways.Youmightaskafriendlypersonalquestion,orexpressyourgratitudefortheworkthatthey’redoing,ormaybejustofferawarm,genuinesmile.

Whenyouacknowledgethepersonhoodofsomeoneelseinthisway,youcreateanopportunityforthemtoconnectwithyou.Maketheefforttoconnectonaperson-to-personlevel,anditwillbeeasyforotherstorecognizeyouasaperson,too.

Tryanexperiment.Nexttimeyougointoacoffeeshop,askthepersontakingyourorder,“Whatdoyoudowhenyou’renotworking?”Watchthemlightupwhentheytellyouaboutthefriendstheyhangoutwith,orthedegreethey’repursuing,orthekidsthey’reraising.

Andthat’snotlimitedtothatonequestion,ortojustcoffeeshops.

Tellthepersonbrowsingyourfavoritesectioninthebookstorethatit’syourfavoritesection,thenaskthemwhattheirfavoritebookis.

Askthefanstandingnexttoyouataconcertifthey’veeverheardthebandlivebefore.

Askthepassengernexttoyouonthetrainwherethey’regoing,orwherethey’recomingfrom.

Tellthegirlsinginginthecoffeeshopthathermusicisbeautiful,andaskwhatinspiredhertowritehersongs.

Yourlifeholdsendlessopportunitiestoconnectwithothers.Maketheextraefforttorecognizethepersonhoodofthepeopleyouencounter,andyouwillfindyourselfmakingconnectionsyouneverthoughtpossible.

Person-To-PersonConnections

Person-to-personconnectionsareapowerfulwaytoconnectwithothers,butitwilltaketimebeforeyoubecomecomfortablewiththem.Keepthesesimplerulesinmindasyoupractice,andyouwillbecomeanexpertconnectormuchfaster.

Somepeoplearenotopentoconnecting.Mostpeoplewelcometheopportunitytoconnectonaperson-to-personlevel,butsomepeoplewillnot.It’simportantforyoutorecognizewhenotherswouldrathernotconnect,soyoucanrespecttheirwishesandavoidirritatingthem.

Forinstance,ifthepersonnexttoyouonanairplaneputsherheadphonesonafteransweringyourfirstquestion,she’sprobablynotinterestedintalking.Ifyouaskthebaristaabouthispersonallife,andheimmediatelybringstheconversationbacktocoffee,hemightpreferthatyoukeepthingsprofessional.

Bealerttothesignalsthatsomeoneisnotinterestedinconnectingperson-to-personandbackoffwhenyoudetectdisinterest.Areviewofcomfortableanduncomfortablebodylanguagewillserveyouwellhere.Ifsomeone’sbodylanguagebecomesuncomfortablewhenyoustarttalkingtothem,that’sastrongsignalthatthey’drathernottalk.

Avoidinterrupting.Ifyouattempttoconnectwithsomeonewhentheyareinthemiddleofanactivity,it’spossiblethatyou’llirritatethem.Ingeneral,youshouldfeelcomfortableattemptingaconnectionifthepersonisalreadytalkingtoyou,orabletocontinuetheircurrentactivitywhilechatting.Butiftalkingtoyouwillbreaktheirconcentrationontheircurrentactivity,youshouldbecautiousaboutapproachingthem.

Inotherwords,ifyouwanttotalktothesingeratacoffeeshop,it’smuchbettertoapproachwhentheyaretakingabreak,ratherthanwhentheyarereadingtheirsheetmusictoprepareforthenextsong.Thereareexceptions,ofcourse–thattravelerintheseatnexttoyoumaybehappytoputdowntheirbookandtalk–butyouneedtobemuchmorecautiousifyouplanoninterruptingsomeone.

Startconversationsbyreferencingcontext.Ifyouturntosomeoneelsewaitinginlineforaconcertandthefirstthingyousayis,“So,doyoulikeItalianfood?”youaregoingtocomeacrossasveryweird.

Butifyouaskthemtheiropinionontheband’snewalbum,orcommentonhowlongthelineis,oraskthemiftheysawthebandlasttimetheywereintown,theconversationwillbemuchlessawkward.

Thisisespeciallytruewhenyouwanttomoveaconversationfromfunctionaltoperson-to-

person.Don’tsuddenlygofromorderingcoffeeto“So,whatdoyouthinkaboutthelatestColdplayalbum?”Itcatchesthebaristaoffguard–onemomentyouwereorderingcoffee,thenextyou’retalkingaboutsomethingtotallydifferent.

Inordertomakethetransitionfromfunctionalinteractiontoperson-to-personconnectionfeelmorenatural,it’sbesttomentionthecontext.That’swhy“Whatdoyoudowhenyou’renotworking?”isaperfecticebreakerquestion.Bymentioningthemworking,youreferencethecontext,andbyaskingthemaboutlifeoutsidework,youopenabridgetoconnectingonadeeperlevel.

Bepreparedifyoureverydayconnectiondoesnotbecomeafriendship.Whenyouconnectperson-to-personwithsomeone,youwillusuallystillgoyourseparatewaysaftertheconversation.Youmighthaveagreatconversationwithyourwaiter,butyouarestillacustomerandtheyarestillawaiter,anditisdifficulttomovepermanentlyawayfromthoserolesintoafriendship.

Butthat’sok.Evenifyourinteractiondidn’tturnintoarelationship,itwasstillapositiveinteraction.Youlearnedsomethingnewaboutanotherperson,andyouhadthechancetosharesomethingaboutyourself.Plus,yougotthechancetopracticeyoursocialskillsandbuildyourconfidence.

Makeperson-to-personconnectionsapartofeverydaylife.Whenyoumaketheefforttoseekperson-to-personconnectionswheneveryoucan,you’llfindthatabrandnewareaoflifehasopenedtoyou.Interactionsthatwerepreviouslyforgettableandsuperficialarenowmeaningful.Peoplewhowouldhavestayedstrangersbecomefriends.Person-to-personconnectionsareyourgatewaytoaricherlife,andIencourageyoutomakethemapartofyoureverydaylife.

Chapter7:MakingFriends

IfyoufollowedtheadviceintheMeetingPeoplesection,youmighthavealreadymadeafewconnections.Maybeyou’vecheckedoutafewsocialgroupsormadeafeweverydayconnections,anddiscoveredsomefriendlyfolks.

Unfortunately,friendlyfolksarenotthesameasfolkswhoareyourfriends.It’snicetofeelwelcomedwhenyouattendagroupmeeting,butit’smuchmorevaluabletohaverelationshipsthatthriveoutsideofthemeetings.

Buthowdoyoubuildthoserelationships?It’sonethingtomeetsomeonethatyougetalongwith.It’sanotherthingtogrowyourrelationshipwiththatpersontothepointwhereyoufeelcomfortableinvitingthemovertohangout.Sometimesrelationshipswillgrowquicklyontheirown,butiftheydon’t,howdoyouencouragethemtogrow?

Fortunately,likeeveryothertopicinthissocialskillsguide,makingfriendsisaskillthatyoucandevelop.Withtherightguidance,you’llfinditeasytomakelasting,fulfillingfriendships.Thissectionwaswrittentoshowyouhow.

MakingFriendscontainsthreelessons:

FindingGoodFriendsIt’spossibletobefriendswithanybody.Butsomepeoplearejustbetterfriendmaterialthanothers.Inthissection,Iteachyouhowtoidentifythepeoplewhoarethemostlikelytotreatyouwell,andwhosefriendshipyouwillmostenjoy.

StartingaFriendshipOnceyou’vemetsomeonethatyouwanttobefriendswith,howdoyougettherelationshipofftheground?Inthissection,Iexplainhowtogiveaninvitationthatwillopenthedoortoanewfriendship.

DeepeningaNewFriendshipWhenyou’vejustmadeanewfriend,it’simportanttonurturethatfriendship.Thissectionwillshowyouhowyoucangrowanewfriendshipintoastrong,lastingrelationship.Italsocontainsadviceforbeingagoodfriendtoothers.

FindingGoodFriends

Whenyouwanttomakenewfriends,startbyidentifyingthepeoplewhowillbegoodfriendstoyou.

Agoodfriendcaresaboutyou,enjoysspendingtimewithyou,andgivesyouthefreedomtobeyourself.Goodfriendsacceptyouasyouare–youdon’tneedtopretendtobesomeoneelsewhenyou’respendingtimewithagoodfriend.Andalthoughgoodfriendsmightjokinglyteaseyou,theywillneverbullyyou,disrespectyou,orpressureyoutodosomethingthatmakesyoufeeluncomfortable.

Youcanfindthepeoplewhowillbegoodfriendstoyouinthefuturebylookingforthepeoplewhotreatyouwelltoday.Inordertodothat,justaskyourselfthreesimplequestions:

DoIlikespendingtimewiththisperson?Ifyoudon’twanttospendtimewithsomeone,chancesareeithertheywon’tbeagoodfriendtoyou,oryouwon’tbeagoodfriendtothem.Spendingtimewithafriendshouldn’tfeellikeachore.

However,bearinmindthatgoodfriendsdon’tneedtobeoutwardlysimilartoyou.It’snicetohavecommoninterestsorsharedexperiences,butifyoufeelcomfortablewithafriendandenjoytheircompany,itdoesn’tmatterifyoulikesoccerandtheylikeballet.Goodfriendshipgoesbeyondsharedinterests,somakesurethatyougiveafairconsiderationtopeoplethatmightnotseemsimilartoyouatfirst.

Doesthispersontreatmeandotherswell?Youwillsometimesencounterpeoplewhoarealotoffuntobewith,butwhodon’trespectyouropinionsandbeliefs,orteaseyouinahurtfulway,orgenerallyjustpushyouaround.Thosepeoplearenotrealfriendsandarenotworthyourtime.

Eveniftheytreatyouwell,youmightnoticethattheyareoftenrudeorhurtfultoothers.That’sawarningsignthattheymayonedaybehurtfultoyou.Astheoldsayinggoes,“Thepersonwhoisnicetoyou,butrudetothewaiter,ortoothers,isnotaniceperson.”Thereareplentyoffunfolkswhowilltreatyouwell;don’twasteyourtimebuildingfriendshipswithpeoplewhowillnottreatyouthewayafriendshould.

Doesthispersonseemliketheywanttospendtimewithme?Sometimesyouwillenjoyspendingtimewithsomeonebuttheydon’tseemtohavemuchinterestinspendingtimewithyou.Thisisusuallynotagoodsituationtobein.

Ifyouinvestlotsoftimeandefforttryingtomakefriendswithsomeonewhodoesn’treallywanttobefriendswithyou,youwillusuallyfindyourselffrustratedandwornout.It’smuchbettertopursuefriendshipwithsomeonewhoalsowantstobefriendswithyou.

Ofcourse,it’spossiblethatsomeonemightwanttospendtimewithyou,butrightnowisnotagoodtimeforthem.Ifyoureallywanttobefriendswithsomeone,buttheydon’tseemtowanttobefriendswithyou,itdoesn’thurttotryagainafewweeksormonthslater.Butyoudeservefriendswhoareexcitedtospendtimewithyou,sodon’tspendmuchtimepursuingpeoplewhowon’tpursueyouback.

PursuingGoodFriendsIfyouaskyourselfthesequestionsaboutsomeoneandanswernotoanyofthem,don’tmakefriendshipwiththatpersonapriority.That’snottosaythatyoucan’tgivesomeoneasecondchance–afterall,firstimpressionsarenotalwaysaccurate,anditneverhurtstospendsomemoretimewithsomeonebeforeyourulethemout.

Butingeneral,youshouldfocusyourattentiononthepeoplewhogiveyouthebestchancetobegoodfriends.Ifyouspendyourtimechasingafterpeoplewhowillnotbegoodfriendstoyou,you’llfindyourselfdisappointeddowntheroad.

Takeafewminutesrightnowandusethislisttothinkthroughthepeopleyouknow.Findafewpeoplewhoyouthinkmightbegoodfriendstoyou,andkeeptheminmindasyoureadthenextlesson.

StartingaFriendship

Onceyouknowthatsomeoneisgoodfriendmaterial,youstillneedtogetthefriendshipstarted.

Thiscanbetoughtodo.Manypeopleeitherdon’tknowhowtomovetherelationshipfromfriendlyacquaintanceintotruefriendship,orthey’reafraidto–theydon’twanttoofferfriendshipandthenhaveitberejected.Sotheywaitfortheotherpersontomakethefirstmove.

Unfortunately,ifyouwaitforthem,andtheywaitforyou,thennothingwilleverhappen.Youneedtobewillingtomakethefirstmove.

Fortunately,thatfirstmoveisverysimple.

Allyouneedtodoisinvitethepersontospendtimeoutsideofthenormalcontextthatyouseethem.Ifyouseesomeoneatchurch,invitethemtocometobowling.Ifsomeoneisonyourbowlingteam,invitethemtoseeamoviewithyou.Yougettheidea.

ChoosingtheRightActivityIdeally,youshouldinvitethemtoanactivitythatgivesyouthechancetotalkandgettoknoweachother.It’salsogoodtopickanactivitythattheotherpersonwillenjoy.Ifyoushareacommoninterestorifthey’vetoldyouaboutaparticularactivitytheyenjoy,usethattoguideyourinvitation.Ifyouhavenoideawhatthey’reinterestedin,trytopickanactivitythatmostpeoplewouldenjoy(perhapsseeingamovie,orshoppinginthemall).

Oneofmyfavoriteinvitationsistoasksomeonetoshareamealorgetsomecoffeetogether,becausethismeansthatyoucanfocusontheconversationinacalmenvironment.However,it’simportanttopickanactivitythatyoufeelcomfortablewith.Ifyoufeeluncomfortablewiththeideaofanentiresocialencounterbuiltaroundnothingbutconversation,thenthere’snoneedforyoutopickcoffeeasyouractivity.

Andthisgoesbeyondcoffee.Theremightbepopularsocialactivitiesthatyoujustdon’tenjoy,orthatyoudon’tfeelcomfortabledoing.Ifthesmokyatmosphereofabarmakesyoufeelsick,don’tinviteyournewfriendtogetdrinks.Iflargegroupsofpeoplemakeyounervous,don’tinviteyourpartnertoaconcert.Ifyoujustplainhateputting,don’tinviteyourpartnertomini-golf.

Thisisespeciallygoodtokeepinmindifyoustrugglewithanxiety.Ifthethoughtofconversationmakesyounervous,spendtimewithyournewfriendsomewherethatyoufindrelaxingandpeaceful.Ofcourse,youshouldmakesurethatit’ssomewhereyourpartneralsoenjoys–butwithabitofthought,I’msureyou’llfindmanypossibleactivitiesthatbothyouandyourpartnercanenjoy.

Also,onewordofwarning.Ifyouinvitesomeoneoftheoppositesextohangout,theymightassumethatyou’reexpressingromanticinterestinthem.Ifallyouhaveinmindisfriendship,thatcanbeawkward,soit’sbesttoavoidmisunderstanding.(Ifyoureallyareinterestedin

datingthem,that’sfine–butthisistheMakingFriendschapter,andwe’llcoverdatinglaterinthebook)

Becauseofthepotentialformisunderstanding,youshoulddoyourbesttoavoidinvitingfriendstoexplicitly“datenight”activities,likedinnerandamovie.Italsodoesn’thurttoclarifyinyourinvitationthatyouareonlyinterestedinfriendship.Simplysaying,“Hey,I’dliketobefriends,”beforeyouinvitesomeonetohangoutcanhelpmakesureeveryonestaysonthesamepage.

YourFriendshipBeginsOnceyouchooseanactivityandinvitesomeonetohangoutoutsideofyournormalcontext,somethingcoolhappens.Yourinvitationsignalstothemthatyouwanttobefriends.Withoutthissignal,theotherpersonmayhaveneverevenconsideredfriendshipwithyou.That’snotbecausetheydislikeyou,butsimplybecausetheyneverknewthatyouwantedtobefriendswiththem.

Butnow,becauseyouinvitedthemtohangoutoutsidethenormalgroup,youshowthatyouareinterestedinbeingfriendswiththem.Yourinvitationcausesthemtothink,“Thispersonwantstobefriendswithme,”andaskthemselves,“DoIwanttobefriendswiththisperson?”

Ifthetwoofyougetalong,mostlikelytheiranswerwillbearesounding“Yes!”tobothyourinvitationandtheresultingfriendship.

Ofcourse,theymightsay“No”toyourinvitation.Butiftheyturndownyourinvitation,thatdoesn’tnecessarilymeantheydon’twanttobefriends–itcouldjustmeanthey’rebusyornotinterestedintheactivityyouareinvitingthemto.

Asaruleofthumb,youshouldwaituntilsomeonehasturneddownyourinvitationsthreetimesbeforeyouconcludethattheydon’twanttohangoutwithyou.Ifyou’veinvitedthemthreetimes,you’vesentaclearsignalthatyouwanttobefriends.Iftheywanttobefriendsback,they’llusuallymakethetimetohangoutwithyou.

Fortunately,mostlikelytheiranswertoyourinvitationwillnotbenot“No”but“Yes!”Oncetheyreachthat“Yes!”somethingveryimportanthappens.Theystopthinkingofyouas“Bob,theguyfrommybookclub”but“MyfriendBob.”

Andoncetheythinkofyouastheirfriend,it’snolongerweirdforyoutocallthemupandaskthemtohangoutthatweekend,orinvitethemtograblunch,orseeiftheywanttoseethelatestmoviewithyou.That’sjustwhatfriendsdo.

DeepeningaNewFriendship

Ok,you’vefoundsomeonewhoseemslikequalityfriendmaterial.Youinvitedthemtohangout,andthey’veaccepted.

Atthispointintherelationship,youshouldbefeelingexcited.You’vemetacoolperson,youenjoyspendingtimewiththem,andafriendshipistakingoff.

Butyouwanttobecarefulhere.

Justlikeaflowercanwitherifyougiveiteithertoomuchwaterornotenough,youwanttostrikeabalancewithhowmuchyoupursuethisnewfriendship.

Inotherwords,youshouldpursueanewfriendatasteadyrate,butnotonethatisoverwhelming.Ifyouhangoutwithanewfriendonce,andthenstartcallingthemeveryday,they’regoingtofeeluncomfortableandmaybackofffromthefriendship.

Similarly,ifyouspendtimewiththemonceandnevercallthemagain,they’llprobablyconcludethatyoudon’twanttobefriendsafterall.

FindingtheMiddleGroundOfcourse,it’seasytoseehoweitherextremecausesproblems,butfindingtherightmiddlegroundisharder.Unfortunately,there’snoperfectwaytoknowhowoftentospendtimewithyournewfriend.Itwilldependonhowwellthetwoofyougetalong,andhowbusyyourschedulesare.

However,agoodruleofthumbistoinvitethemtospendtimetogetheratleastonceamonth,andnomorethanonceaweek.

Beingaruleofthumb,thisisobviouslyonlyaroughguideline.Ifyoureallyenjoyspendingtimetogether,youmayfindyourselfhangingoutmultipletimeseachweek,andiftheyareverybusy,youmightfindyoucanonlyhangoutlessthanoncepermonth.

Ifthissoundscomplicated,don’tworry.Inpractice,you’llfindit’ssimpletostriketherightbalance.

Justbasethefrequencyofyourinvitationstothemonthefrequencyoftheirinvitationstoyou.Iftheyarefrequentlyinvitingyoutohangout,thenyouhaveagreenlighttoinvitethemmoreoften.Iftheyrarelyinviteyoutohangout,thenyoushouldprobablyinvitethemtohangoutlessfrequently.Youwillquicklygetafeelforwhatworksforyouandyournewfriend.

BecomingaGreatFriendOfcourse,there’smoretofriendshipthatsimplyknowinghowoftentospendtimetogether.Growinginfriendshipmeanslearninghowtobeagoodfriend.

Remember,goodfriendscareabouteachother,enjoyspendingtimetogether,andgiveeach

otherthefreedomtobethemselves.Atthebeginningofyourfriendship,youlookedforsomeonewhomightbeagoodfriendtoyou.Now,beagoodfriendtothem.

Showthatyoucareaboutyourfriendbyaskinggoodquestionsthatshowyouwanttoknowmoreaboutthem,andbymakingtheefforttoseetheworldfromtheirperspective.

Helpyourfriendenjoyyourtimetogetherbyhavingsmoothconversation,andbywatchingforthebodylanguagesignalsthattellyouiftheyareuncomfortable.

Andgiveyourfriendthefreedomtobethemselvesbylettingthemknow,withwordsanddeeds,thatyoucareaboutthem,youbelieveinthem,andyouacceptthemjustthewaytheyare.

Makingfriendsisanawesome,worthwhile,lifechanginggoal.Butthejoyyougetfromhavingfriendsisonlyatinyfractionofthejoyyougainfrombeingagreatfriendtoothers.

Chapter8:HowtoSupportYourFriends

Howdoyouhelpfriendswhoneedsupport?

Well,there’snofoolproofformulaforinstantsuccess.Buttherearesolidprinciplesthatcanguideyou.

Theywon’ttellyouexactlywhattodobecauseeachsituationisdifferent,butthey’llputyouontherighttrack.

I’veorganizedtheprinciplesintothreecategories.

First,Iteachyouhowtorespondinthemoment.Learntheprinciplesyouneedwhenyouarefacetofacewithastrugglingfriendwhoneedssupport.

Second,Iteachyouhowtohelpyourfriendoverthelongterm.Mostseriousproblemsarenotsolvedinasingleconversation,andyoumayneedtosupportyourfriendsoverweeksorevenmonths.That’swhyIlayouttheprinciplesthatyouneedtosupportfriendswithlongtermproblems.

Third,I’llteachyouhowtoprotectyourselffromburnout,manipulation,andunhealthyboundarieswhenyouarehelpingothers.Lifeguardslearntoprotectthemselvesfrombeingpulledunderwhenrescuingadrowningswimmer,andyoualsoneedtolearnhowtoprotectyourselffromharmwhenyouarehelpingothers.

Finally,Iconcludewithsomeencouragement.

IntheMoment

BePresent

It’sNotAboutYou

MakeSpecific,TangibleOffers

OfferSupport,NotSolutions

Don’tTellThemWhattoFeel

Don’tMinimizetheProblem

Don’tChangetheSubject

Don’tPanic

TheLongTerm

FollowUp

Don’tInsist

EducateYourself

SuggestProfessionalHelp

TakeCareofYourself

LetYourFriendsSupportYou

Don’tSolveTheirProblemsforThem

MakeSureTheyWanttoGetBetter

PracticeSelfCare

SupportingFriendsintheMoment

BePresent

Yourjobisnottogiveadvice(althoughalittleadvicemightbehelpful.)

Yourjobisnottomakethemfeelbetter(althoughyourpresencemaycomfortthem.)

Yourjobisnottoknowtherightthingtosay(infact,sometimessilenceistheperfectresponse.)

Instead,yourjobisjusttobewiththem.Givethemaspacetoexpresstheirfeelings.Givethemaspacetotalkiftheywant.Givethemtheassurancethateventhoughyoucan’tfixtheirproblem,theydon’thavetofaceitalone.

HenriNouwensaiditbetterthanIevercould:

“Whenwehonestlyaskourselveswhichpersoninourlivesmeansthemosttous,weoftenfindthatitisthosewho,insteadofgivingadvice,solutions,orcures,havechosenrathertoshareourpainandtouchourwoundswithawarmandtenderhand.

Thefriendwhocanbesilentwithusinamomentofdespairorconfusion,whocanstaywithusinanhourofgriefandbereavement,whocantoleratenotknowing,notcuring,nothealingandfacewithustherealityofourpowerlessness,thatisafriendwhocares.”

It’sallrighttoofferadvicenowandthen.Butforthemostpart,youshouldsaythingslike,“Idon’tknowhowtofixit,butI’mherewithyou,”or“Thatsoundsreallyhard,andI’msorry.”

Ifyou’renotsurewhattosay,tryreflectingbacktothemwhatyou’rehearing.Forinstance,youmightsaysomethinglike,“Itsoundslikethestressjustkeepspilingupanditfeelsoverwhelming,”or“Itsoundslikeyou’rereallyfrustratedwiththewayyou’rebeingtreatedatwork.”

Youcanalsoasksimpleopen-endedquestions,suchas,“Sowhatareyougoingtodonow?”or,“Howareyouholdingupunderallthisstress?”

Remember,you’renotacounselor,andit’snotyourjobtoleadyourfriendtonewinsights.Don’taskleadingquestionsordigintotheirsubconscious.Instead,justdoyourbesttogivethemasafespacewheretheycanprocesshowthey’refeeling.

It’sNotAboutYou

Whensomeonesharesaproblemwithyou,it’softenappropriatetosharesimilarexperiencesfromyourownlife.

Forinstance,iftheyareworriedaboutfailingaclass,youmightshareaboutatimewhenyoualmostfailedaclass–eithertoempathizewiththem,ortoencouragethemthatyousurvivedandtheywilltoo.

However,thereisafinelinebetweensharinganexperiencetohelpanotherperson,andsharinganexperiencetoputthespotlightonyourself.

It’sokaytotellasufferingfriendthatyouknowhowpainfulbreakupscanbe.It’snotokaytospendtenminutescomplainingaboutyourex,ortellthem,“IhadthatproblemtooandthenIsolvedit,”andtalkabouthowgreatyourlifeisnow.

Beparticularlycarefultoavoidthe“biggerfish”response.Thetermcomesfromahabitamongfishermanwhowillinterruptanyonetellingastoryaboutcatchingabigfishinordertotellaboutthetimetheycaughtanevenbiggerfish.

Amongfishingbuddies,thisisabitirritatingbutnotabigdeal.Butifyourfriendcomestoyouforsupport,it’shurtfultorespond,“That’snothing!I’mtheonewhoreallyhasitrough–letmetellyouaboutmyproblems…”Notonlydidyoufailtogiveyourfriendsupport,butyoualsohurttheirfeelingsbyactingliketheirproblemdidn’tmatter.

Youalsowanttoavoidreactingliketheirproblemisthebiggestthingintheworld(otherwiseknownasthe“yourfishisgiganticandincrediblyscary”response.)Theirproblemmightbeserious,butlifegoeson.Don’tactliketheirproblemistheworstthingintheworld,orthatyouhavenoideahowtohandleit.Thatwilljustmakethemfeelworseabouttheproblem.Nomatterhowyou’refeelingabouttheirproblem,keepyourfocusonthem.

Bottomline:don’tmakeitaboutyou.Usestoriesfromyourownexperiencesparingly,andmakesuretoonlytellstoriestoencouragetheotherperson–thenputthespotlightrightbackonthem.Andnomatterhowyoufeelabouttheirproblem,don’tletyouremotionstakecenterstage—again,keepthespotlightonthem.

MakeSpecific,TangibleOffers

It’sgoodtosay“I’mhereforyou”or“Letmeknowifyouneedanything,”butit’snotideal.

Offerslikethisarevague–whatexactlydoesitmeantobe“hereforsomeone?”Theseoffersalsoputtheonusontheotherpersontofigureoutwhattoaskyoufor,whichcanbealottoaskofasufferingperson.

Instead,makespecific,tangibleoffers.Don’tsay,“Wow,thatsoundsrough.LetmeknowifIcanhelp.”Instead,say,“Wow,thatsoundsrough.Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”

Insteadofsaying,“Letmeknowifyouneedanything,”ask“WouldithelpifIbringyouamealthisweek?”or“Wouldyouliketohangoutlater?”

Iftheysaynotoyourspecificoffer,it’sokaytomakeonegenericofferlike,“IsthereanythingelseIcandotohelp?”butstartbymakingspecificoffers.

Note:whenmakingyourspecificoffers,becarefulnottotrytofixtheotherperson’sproblem,andbecarefulnottotrivializetheirproblem.

Forinstance,IrememberatimeIwasverysadbecauseIwasmourningthedeathofmycat.AfriendofminenoticedIwassadandsaid,“Letmeshowyoucutekittenphotos–thatwillcheeryouup!”Althoughshemeantwell,herwordswerehurtfulbecausetheyimpliedthatmyproblemwastrivialandcouldbesolvedwithafewcatphotos.

Here’ssomeexamplesofgoodspecificoffersyoucanmake:

Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?

Doyouwanttogetsomecoffee?

Doyouwanttogoforawalk?

Doyouwantahug?

Wanttoplaysomevideogameswithme?

CanIcookamealforyou?

Doyouwantadvice?

Doyouwanttotellmeaboutthepersonyoulost?[iftheyareinabreakuporlostalovedone]

CanIsitnexttoyou?

OfferSupport,NotSolutions

Likemostpeople,yourimmediateresponsetosomeone’sproblemmightbetryingtoofferasolution.

Andthisisanaturalresponse–afterall,whodoesn’twanttosolveafriend’sproblem?

Unfortunately,thisresponseusuallybackfires.Whenafriendcomestoyou,theyarenormallylookingforsupport,notsolutions.Theywanttobeabletotalkabouttheissue;theywanttoreceiveencouragementandvalidation–theymightevenwantasafeplacetocry.

Butwhenyouimmediatelyofferadviceortrytofixtheproblem,youpreventyourfriendfromfindingthesupporttheyarelookingfor.Oncethey’vehadtheopportunitytosharetheiremotionswithyou,thentheymightbeopentohearingyouradvice.Butwhentheyfirstopenuptoyou,theyneedyoutolisten,nottofixit.

Honestly,yourfriendhasprobablyalreadyspentanawfullotoftimethinkingthroughtheirproblem.Whileit’spossiblethatyou’vethoughtofasolutionthathasn’tyetoccurredtothem,it’sunlikely.

Sobehumblewhenofferingadvice.

Askthemiftheywanttohearyouradvicebeforeyoustartgivingit,andiftheydon’tlikeyouradvice,dropit.Theyaretheexpertsontheirownproblem,andifyouinsistontellingthem

whattodo,youwilljustirritatethemandmaketheirsituationworse.

Don’tTellThemWhattoFeel

Everyone’ssufferingisdifferent.

Evenifyou’vedealtwiththeexactsameissueasyourfriend,theissuewillaffectyoudifferently.Sodon’ttellyourfriendemptyplatitudeslike,“Thesamethinghappenedtome,andsoIknowhowyoumustbefeeling.”

Instead,givethemspacetoprocesstheirfeelings.Askgentlequestions,listenattentively,anddon’trushthem.

Inthemoment,yourfriendmightnotreallyknowwhatthey’refeeling.Haveyoueverthoughtyouwereangry,butreallyyouwereembarrassed?Orthoughtyouweresad,butreallyyouwerelonely?Emotionsarecomplicated.Itcantaketimeforsomeonetosortthroughtheirfeelingsandfigureoutwhat’sreallygoingon.Sodon’trushyourfriendastheyworkthroughthatprocess.

Anddon’ttellthem,“Youmustbeangry,”or“Youmustbesomiserable.”Instead,askquestions.“Diditmakeyouangrywhenshesaidthat?”isgood,althoughit’snotgreatbecauseit’saleadingquestion.“Howdidyoufeelwhenshesaidthat?”isbetter.

AnotheroptionistosharehowYOUwouldfeelinthatsituation.Forinstance,youmightsaysomethinglike“Man,ifmyboyfriendcheatedonme,Iwouldbefurious.Howareyouhandlingit?”

Bysharingyourownfeelings,itcanhelpyourfriendprocesstheirownfeelings.Theymightrealize,“Yeah,Ifeelfurioustoo,”or“Actually,Idon’tfeelfurious–Ifeelrelieved.IguessI’mgladtherelationshipisover.”

Mostimportantly,youshouldnevertellthemto“getoverit”or“pullyourselftogether.”Aswithaphysicalwound,emotionalwoundstaketimetoheal.Aninjuredpersoncan’tmakeabrokenbonehealfasterthroughwillpower,andasufferingpersoncan’thealemotionallyfasterthroughwillpower.

Ittakestime–don’trushthem.

Don’tMinimizetheProblem

Whenafriendbringsaseriousproblemtoyou,itmaybetemptingtominimizetheproblemsoyoudon’thavetodealwithit.

Yourfirstimpulsemaybetosay,“Oh,it’snotthatbad,”or“Don’tgetsoemotionalaboutit,”oreven“Thisisn’tthatbigofadeal.”

However,thisisusuallythelastthingthatastrugglingfriendwantstohear.Evenifit’sobjectivelynotabigdeal,itFEELSlikeabigdealtothem(orelsetheywouldn’thaveaskedyouforsupport.)Meetthemwherethey’reat.Ifitfeelslikeabigdealtothem,treatitlikeabigdeal.

Youalsoneedtoavoidthetemptationtominimizetheirproblembyblamingthemforit(“I’msorryyou’restressedaboutyourbadgrade,butit’syourfaultfornotstudying.”)

Sometimespeopledocausetheirownproblems,buteveniftheproblemis100%theirfault,itdoesn’thelpforyoutopointthatout.Yourjobistobeasupportivefriend,nottoassignblame.

Sogivethemspacetoexpresstheirfeelings.Helpthemexplorewhythisfeelslikesuchabigdealtothem.Youmaywanttogentlyprovideperspective–perhapsremindingthemthatevenwiththisproblem,therearestillalotofgoodthingsintheirlife,orencouragingthemtoseethatthecurrentproblemistemporary.

Butdon’ttellthemwhatthey’refeelingiswrong,orthattheyjustneedto“getoverit.”Acceptthattheirproblemisabigproblemtothem,andsupportthemwithouttryingtocorrectthem.

Don’tChangetheSubject

Doyougetuncomfortablewhensomeonebringsupaseriousproblem?

It’sverydifficulttorespondwhensomeonetellsyouthatthecancercameback,ortheirparentsaregettingdivorced,ortheyarefailingtheirclasses.Acommonresponseistoshifttoamorelightheartedtopic–usuallyafterabrief,awkwardpause.

Butwhatifthepersonreallyneededtotalkabouttheirproblem?Whatiftheytookabigleapofcouragetotellyouhowtheywerereallydoing–andthenyouchangedthetopicasifnothinghadhappened?

Mostofthetimewhensomeonebringsupaproblemwithyou,it’sbecausetheywanttotalkaboutit.It’sdeeplycomfortingtohavesomeonecareenoughtolistentoyourproblems,soyoucanhelpyourfriendjustbylistening.

Iknowit’suncomfortabletolistentoaproblemwhenyoucan’tfixit,buttrustme.Youmakeadifferencejustbylistening.

Soasaruleofthumb–ifsomeonewantstotalkaboutaproblemthey’rehaving,makeyourselfavailabletolisten.Askthemquestions.Becuriousandsupportive.Don’ttrytofixit,butletthemknowthatyouareontheirside.

Iftheywanttochangethetopic,letthem.Butifthey’renotafraidtotalkabouttheirpain,youshouldbebrave,too.

Don’tPanic

Let’ssayyougetsick,soyoudecidetovisitthedoctor.

Asyouexplainyoursymptoms,thedoctorlooksmoreandmoreconcerned,untilshefinallystartsflailingherarms,runningaroundtheroomandscreaming“OHNOYOUHAVEPNEUMONIAI’MFREAKINGOUTRIGHTNOWAAH!”

It’saridiculousimage–becauseweexpectthat,nomatterwhat’swrongwithus,thedoctorisgoingtocalmlyhelpusgetbetter.

Andwhenyourfriendcomestoyouwithaproblem,theyalsoexpectyoutobecalmandhelpthemgetbetter.I’mnotsayingthatyouneedtobeanunemotionalrobot–it’sfinetogetemotional,oreventocrywithyourfriend.

Butrememberthatyourjobistosupportyourfriend,andsometimesthatmeansthatyouneedtoputyourownemotionstothesidesoyoucanbeagoodhelper.Therewillbetimelaterforyoutoprocessyourfeelings–butifyoufreakoutwhenyourfriendneedsyou,thenyoucan’tsupportthem.

Again,yourfriendistheonehavingtheproblem,notyou.Ifyouareevermoreemotionalthanyoursufferingfriend,that’sagoodsignthatyoushouldcalmdownandrefocusonhelpingthem.

We’vefinishedPart1:IntheMoment.OurnextpagesarefromPart2:TheLongTerm.

SupportingaFriendLongTerm

FollowUp

Bigproblemsdon’tgoawayovernight.

Ifyoulearnafriendisstrugglingwithasignificantproblem,they’llprobablystillbestrugglingdowntheroad.Helpthemoutbyrememberingtocheckin.

Forinstance,ifyourfriendsharesastrugglethey’rehaving,itmightbeappropriatetotextthemthenextdaytosay“Hey,I’mthinkingofyouandI’mbehindyou100%”orcallthemafewdayslatertoinvitethemtocoffee.

Ifyouknowafriendishavingahardtimeingeneral(maybetheyarestrugglingwithdepressionorrecoveringfromabreakup),bedeliberatetooccasionallyaskthemhowtheyaredoing–andstickaroundtoheartherealanswer.Peoplewilloftenwithdrawfromsocialinteractionwhentheyaredepressed,soreachouttothemifyouhaven’tseenthemforawhile.

Remember,yourfriendmightbeinsomuchpainthattheydon’twanttotalkabouttheirproblem.IknowthatwhenIamgoingthroughabreakup,thelastthingIwanttodoistalkaboutit–thepainisstilltooraw.

Iftheydon’twanttotalkaboutit,providethemwithsomepositiveinteractionsthataren’tfocusedaroundtheirproblem.Invitethemtohangoutwithyouatthemall,orseeamovietogether,orgoforarun.Basically,invitethemtorememberthegoodpartsoflife,andgivethemarespitefrombroodingovertheirloss.

It’spossibletheywon’twanttodoanyofthesethings–sometimeswhenyouaresuffering,youcan’tenjoynormalactivities.Buteveniftheysayno,ithelpstoknowthatyoucaredenoughtoask.

Itmakesahugedifferencetohaveafriendcareenoughtocheckin.Don’tletyourfrienddropofftheradar.Ifyouknowthey’restruggling,followuponaregularbasisandmakesuretheyknowyoucareaboutthem.Invitethemtocoffee.Letthemknowyoucare.Givethemacall.

They’llbegladyoudid.

Don’tInsistSometimes,thebestthingyoucandoisbackoff.

Maybetheotherpersondoesn’treallywanttotalkabouttheirproblem,ortheydon’tfeelcloseenoughtoyoutoopenup–ormaybethey’realreadygettinggreatsupportfromsomeoneelse.

Ifyouinsistonhelping,youcaneasilymaketheirsituationworse.NowtheyhavetodealwiththeirproblemANDanannoyingwannabehelper.

Ifyou’reaguy,youwanttobeespeciallycarefulhere.It’scommonforguystoconvincethemselvesthatgirlsneedtheirhelp(especiallywhenthey’reattractedtoher),andinsistingthatagirlacceptyourhelpisasurewaytoannoyher.Ifsheneedsyourhelp,she’llaskyouforit.Ifyoucaredabouther,youwouldrespecthernoinsteadoflookingforanopportunitytoshowoff.

Butwhateverthegenderofthepersonyou’rehelping—offeryoursupport,andtheniftheychoosenottotakeit,letitgo.

Iusuallytrytoasktwice–forinstance,“Itlookslikeyou’refeelingdown.Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”

Iftheysayno,Imightadd,“Areyousure?I’mhereforyouifyouneedme.”Iftheyturnmedownagain,thenIletitgoandchangethetopic.

Eveniftheydochoosetotalkaboutit,don’tassumetheywantyoutosolvetheirproblem.Severalmonthsago,Ihadafriendwhocomplainedtomeaboutaproblemshewashaving.Isuggestedshedosomethingtosolveherproblem,andwhenshedecidedshedidn’tlikemyidea,Iwentaheadanddiditforher.

Atthetime,IthoughtIwasbeinghelpful.ButwhenItoldherwhatIhaddone,shewasveryupset.Sheexplainedthatshewasresponsibleforsolvingtheproblem,notme,andbecauseIhaddoneitforher,itcommunicatedthatIdidn’ttrusthertotakecareofherself.Needlesstosay,thiscausedhertofeelveryhurtanddisrespected.

Don’tmakethesamemistakeasme–ifyouoffersomeoneasolutionandtheydon’ttakeit,don’tinsistonit.

Ifyouoffersupportandtheyturnyoudown,letitgo.Letthesufferingpersonbeincharge.

EducateYourself

It’shardtohelpwhenyoudon’tunderstandwhatthey’redealingwith.Sodosomehomeworkonyourfriend’sstruggles.

Iftheyhaveadiagnosedmentalhealthcondition(likedepressionoranorexia),findabookorsomereputablewebsitesthattalkaboutthoseconditions.

Anotheroptionisorganizationsthatprovidesupport.ToWriteLoveonHerArmsisagreatorganizationthatprovidesadviceandencouragementformanycommonstruggles.

Ofcourse,yourfriendcanalsoeducateyou–theyaretheexpertontheirownstruggle.Theymightnotwanttotalkabouttheirstruggle,butusuallypeoplearehappytoopenupabouthowtheirproblemsaffectthem.

Ifyoudotalktoyourfriendabouttheirstruggles,remembertosuspendjudgment.Itmightnotmakesensetoyouwhyabreakupissopainfulorwhydepressionmakesitsohardtogetoutofthebedinthemorning.Butyourfriendhasnoreasontolietoyou,soifthey’retellingyou

somethingabouttheirsituation,it’sprobablyaccurate.

Again,yourfriendistheexpertontheirownstruggle.Don’tdisagreewiththemabouttheirexperiences,orinvalidatetheirfeelings.

Instead,beacuriousstudent.Askquestionsandletthemknowyouwanttolearneverythingyoucaninordertohelpthembetter.Themoreyouknow,themoreyoucanhelp.

SuggestProfessionalHelp

Youwouldn’ttrytosetafriend’sbrokenlegjustbecauseyou’vewatchedsomeGrey’sAnatomy.

Similarly,afewself-helpbooksorapsychologyclassdonotmakeyouatherapist.Sodon’tactlikeone!Ifyouthinkyourfriendneedsprofessionalhelp,pleasereferthemtoacounselor.

Itmightbeagoodideaforyourfriendtoseeacounselorif:

Theyareveryunhappy.Theycan’tenjoynormalthingsinlife.Theirperformanceinworkorschoolissuffering.They’reusingsubstances(likedrugsoralcohol)tocopewiththeproblem.Theyareinanunhealthyorabusiverelationship.Theproblemhaspersistedforalongtimeandhasn’tgottenbetter.

Ofcourse,ifyouhaveanyproblemsthatfitthesedescriptions,pleaseseeacounselortoo!

Mostimportantly:ifyourfriendistalkingabouthurtingthemselvesorsomeoneelse,oriftheymatchanyoftheotherwarningsignsofsuicide,thenitisveryimportantthatyougetthemtoseeacounselorassoonaspossible.Ifyoueverthinktheymaybeinimmediatedangerofsuicide,youshouldcall911(orwhateveryourlocalemergencynumberis.)

Althoughcounselorscanseemexpensive,mosthealthinsurancecoverscounseling,andmanycollegeshavecounselingcentersthatarefreetostudents.Inaddition,somecounselorsoffer“slidingscale”feeswherepeoplewithlowerincomespaylowerrates.Moneyshouldneverbeanobstacletogettingcounseling.

Notsurehowtofindatherapist?PsychologyTodayandGoodTherapyhavelistsoftherapiststhatyoucanlookthroughtofindagoodmatch.YoucanalsofindonlinetherapistatBreakthrough(althoughthisisnotavailableinallareas.)Manytherapistswilldoafreephoneconsultation,soagoodstrategyistoresearchafewtherapiststhatseemgood,giveeachofthemacall,andthenbookasessionwiththeonethatseemslikethebestfit.

Ifyoustartseeingatherapistandtheydon’tactuallyendupbeingagoodfit,that’sokay–justfindsomeoneelse!You’llknowit’sagoodideatolookforanewtherapistifyoureallydon’tgetalongwithyourtherapistatallinthefirstsession,orifyoudon’tseeanyprogressbythefourthsession.

There’snosuchthingasaperfecttherapist,butmosttherapistsareprettygood.Soifyouoryourfriendisreallystruggling,reachouttoatherapisttoday.

That’sallforPart2:TheLongTerm.NextupisPart3:TakeCareofYourself

TakingCareofYourself

LetYourFriendsSupportYou

Inahealthyfriendship,bothpeoplegive,andbothpeoplereceive.

Attimesonepersonmightbedoingmostofthegivingorreceiving,butovertime,itshouldaverageout.

Ortoputitanotherway:Inanormalhealthyfriendship,sometimesyousupportyourfriend,andsometimesyourfriendsupportsyou.Ifyouarealwayssupportingyourfriendandtheyneversupportyou(orviceversa),thatshouldraisearedflag.

Now,sometimesdoing100%ofthegivingistherightthingtodo–forinstance,maybeyourfriendisinacrisisandtheycan’tgivebackyet.

Butusually,ifyouaredoingallofthegiving,thenitsignifiesaproblem.Thisisespeciallytrueiftheone-sidedgivinglastsforalongperiodoftime.

Inthatcase,Iwouldstepbackandtakestockoftherelationship.Isitpossiblethattheotherpersonistakingadvantageofyou?

It’slikelyyouarebeingtakenadvantageofifyoufeelliketheotherpersonguiltsyouintogiving,oriftheotherpersonneverdoesanyworktoimprovetheirownsituation.

It’salsopossiblethatyoumightbemorecomfortableinthegivingrole,andyouareresistanttoreceiving.Thisisespeciallylikelyifyouareinthegivingroleinalmostallofyourcloserelationships.

Youmightwonderwhysomeonewouldfeelmorecomfortableinthegivingrole(afterall,it’smorework.)Simple:whenyouarethegiver,youaretheonewiththepower.Youdon’thavetobedependentorvulnerable;instead,theotherpersonisdependentonyou.

Iusedtobelikethat.

Earlyinlife,Ithought,“Idon’tknowifpeoplewillwantme,butifIcanmakethemneedme,thentheywillstickaround.”SoIworkedtomakemyselfindispensabletoothers.Iofferedsupport,encouragement,advice–andIneveraskedforanythinginreturn.

Theproblem?Theresultingrelationshipswereshallowandunfulfilling.

Iknewalotabouttheotherperson,buttheydidn’tknowmuchaboutme.Theycouldalwayscallmewhentheyneededafriend,butwhenIwashavingahardtimeIsufferedthroughitalone.

Eventually,IrealizedthatIwasbeingfoolish,andIstartedopeninguptomyfriends.

Istartedshowingthemtherealme,startedsharingmystruggles,mydreams,myquirks.Andyouknowwhat?TheyacceptedmejustasIwas.Ididn’tneedtobeneededtobewanted.

Andneitherdoyou.Soifyoufindthatyourrelationshipsaremostlyone-way,startsharingtherealyouwithyourfriends.Ithinkyou’llbegladyoudid.

Don’tSolveOthers’ProblemsforThem

It’stemptingtostepinandsolveyourfriends’problemsforthem.

Butifyoudosomethingthatyourfriendshoulddothemselves,thenitcreatesdependencyandmakesiteasyforthemtotakeadvantageofyou.

Duringmycollegeyears,aclassmatedidn’tdohispartofagroupproject.Insteadoftellingtheteacher,Ijustdidhisworkforhim.

Asyoumightguess,duringthenextprojecthisworkwasonceagainincomplete,andIonceagainfelttheneedtostepinanddohisjobaswellasmyown.OnceIconfrontedhimandtoldhimthatIwouldnolongercoverforhim,hisworkmagicallyimproved.

Ofcourse,thereisabalancehere.Sometimestakingsomeresponsibilitiesoffafriend’splatecanprovidethemwithabigboost.

Afewyearsago,Iwasmovingandfeltverystressedaboutgettingeverythingdone.Myroommatetooktheinitiativetodisassemblemydeskandprepareitformoving(amajorprojectthatwouldhavetakenmealotoftime.)Hishelpreallyreducedmystresslevelsandmademefeelcaredforandsupported.

SoI’mnotsayingthatyoushouldneverdosomethingthatyourfriendcandoforthemselves.Instead,I’mwarningyoutolookforpatterns.

Ifyoustarttofeelobligatedtodosomethingforyourfriendthattheyshouldnormallydoforthemselves,oriftheyexpectyoutodothingsforthemwhiletheylazeabout,that’sasignthatyouprobablyneedtorethinkhowyousupportthatfriend.Ifyou’renotsure,trysaying,“No,”sometimesandseewhathappens.

Inaddition,becarefultomaintaingoodemotionalboundaries.Youneedtobeabletoliveyourlifeevenifyourfriendisstruggling.Ifyoucan’tfeelhappyaslongasyourfriendisstruggling,orifyoufeelpersonallyresponsibleforyourfriend’srecovery,it’slikelyyourboundarieshavecollapsed.

Remember,youarenotresponsibleforyourfriend.Yourfriendisresponsibleforthemselves.

Decidewhatisappropriateforyoutogive,andtrustyourfriendtodotherest.

MakeSureYourFriendWantstoGetBetter

IhadafriendincollegewhowouldfrequentlymessagemerightbeforeIwasgoingtogotobedandshareaproblemthatshewantedtotalkabout.Istayeduplatetalkingwiththisgirlnumeroustimes,sacrificingmysleep(andsometimes,mygrades!)togiveherencouragementandsupport.

However,myfriend:

Wouldneverseeacounselor,despitemyrequests.

Wouldalwayswaituntillateatnighttobringherproblemstome–shewouldneverdiscussthemduringthedayevenwhenIgavehertheopportunity.

Wouldneverdoanythingtoimprovehersituation.(Forinstance,shewouldspendhoursandhourscomplainingtomeaboutherboyfriend,butsherefusedtobreakupwithhimoraskhimtoimprovehisbehavior.)

Ultimately,Irealizedthatshedidn’treallywanttogetbetter–partofherthatwantedthe“victim”identity,andshelikedthepowerthatherpaingaveheroverotherpeople.Forinstance,IthinkshemayhavewaiteduntillateatnighttotalktomebecauseshefeltimportantwhenIsacrificedmysleepforher.

Shewasn’tfakingit,exactly–alotofbadthingshappenedtoher,andshewasgenuinelyunhappy.Butshedidnotwanttogetbetter,andIcouldn’tforcehertogetbetteragainstherwill.

UltimatelythesacrificesImadetosupportandencourageherwerewasted.Allofmyeffortsonlyservedtopullmedown,nottobringherup.

Sowhatdoesthismeanforyou?Basically–becarefulwhenitseemsliketheotherpersonisnotanactiveparticipantintheirrecovery.Iftheyexpectyoutosacrificeforthembuttheywon’tdobasicthingstoimprovetheirownsituation,somethingiswrongandyouneedtoprotectyourself.

Youdon’tneedtocuttiesordoanythingdrastic,butifthereisstrongevidencetheydon’twanttogetbetter,thenitmightbereasonableforyoutorequirethemtoinvestintheirrecoverybeforeyouwillmakemoresacrificesforthem.

Forinstance,Ishouldhavetoldher,“Iknowyouarefeelingbadtonight,butIthinkwhatyoureallyneedrightnowistotalktoacounselor,nottotalktome.Onceyouscheduleanappointmentwithacounselor,I’llbehappytotalkwithyouaboutyourproblemsagain.”

Ofcourse,itcansometimesbehardtotellifsomeoneistryingtogetbetter,becausesometimesthingsthatseemreallyeasy(likeschedulinganappointmentwithacounselor)canbereallyhardforsomeonewhoisstrugglingwithdepressionoranothermentalhealthissue.Don’tgiveuponafriendjustbecausethey’renotdoingeverythingyouthinktheyshouldbedoing.It’salwaysbettertoerronthesideofgenerosity.

Butifovertimeyouseeapatternofthepersonnotworkingtogetbetter,thenitmaybetimeto

putsomeboundariesinplace.Notonlywillthisprotectyoufromburnout,butitmayalsoshowtheotherpersonthattheyarecaughtinaself-destructivepattern.

PracticeSelfCare

Ifyougotoolongwithoutsleepingoreating,you’llcollapse.

Itdoesn’tmatterhowstrongyouare–yourbodyhasphysicallimits,andwhenyoureachthemyouwillshutdown.

Similarly,ifyougotoolongwithouttakingcareofyourselfemotionally,youwillburnoutormeltdown.Itdoesn’tmatterifyouareMr.RogersorMotherTeresa–eventhemostlovingpeopleintheworldcan’ttakecareofothersunlesstheytakecareofthemselves,too.

Thebottomline:Ifyouwanttotakecareofotherpeople,youneedtotakecareofyourself.

Therapistscallthisidea“self-care”butyoucancallitwhateveryouwant.Justmakesureyoudoit!

Tohelpyoufigureoutifyouneedbetterself-care,I’vewrittenupsomequestionsyoushouldaskyourself.Takesometimetothinkthroughthesequestionsnow.

Physical

Areyougettingenoughsleep?

Areyoueatingthreemealsaday?

Areyouabletoexercise?

Relational

Doyouhavepeopleyoutalktoaboutyourproblems?

Doyouspendtimewithpeoplejusttohavefun,notsoyoucansupportthem?

Areyouabletosay“No”toyourfriendswhenyouneedto?

Balance

Doyouhavetimetodothethingsyouenjoy(hobbies,etc.?)

Canyoubehappyevenwhenyouknowyourfriendisstillstruggling?

Areyouabletotakecareofyourpersonalresponsibilities?(Schoolwork,yourjob,etc.?)

Areyouabletopursuepersonalgoalsanddreamsthatareimportanttoyou?

Ifyouanswer“No”toanyofthesequestions,itmaybeasignthatyoushouldprioritizeself-care.

Ifyouanswer“No”toalotofthesequestions,youneedtotakebettercareofyourselforyou

willburnout.

Remember,nobodyneedsyoutobeasuperhero.It’swonderfulthatyouaresupportingyourfriend,andsometimesitcanfeellikeyouneedtoburnyourselfouttobeatruefriend.

Butyoucan’thelpanyoneifyouburnout—andifyoudon’ttakecareofyourself,youwillburnout.Rememberthatyourlifematterstoo,andyourfriendwantsyoutobehappyeveniftheyarenot.

Chapter9:Dating

Datingisabigdeal.

Romanticcomediesandlovesongstellusthatallourproblemswillbesolvedifwejustfindtheonerightperson.Onlinedatingisamulti-billiondollarindustry.AndeverythingfrompromdancestoValentine’sDayseemstoexisttoextolthevirtuesofdating.

Andthetruthis,datingcanbewonderful.Havingaspecialsomeonetoshareyourexperienceswithmakeslifesweeterandhavingsomeonewhoknowsyoudeeplycanhelpyouunderstandyourselfbettertoo.

Butdatingcanalsobeverydestructive.

It’seasytodevelopanunhealthydependencyonthepersonyouaredating,orformanipulationanddisrespecttopoisontheaffectionthatyoushare.

Fortunately,alittleknowledgegoesalongwayinavoidingtheseproblems.Therearebedrockprinciplesthatwillhelpyoumakesureyourdatingrelationshipsarehealthy,positive,andlife-givingforbothyouandyourpartner.

SinceIvaluelasting,intimaterelationships,Idiscussmorethanjusthowtogetagirlorguy’sattention.Thissectionwillguideyouallthewayfromyourfirstmeetingtoalong-termrelationship,andwillshowyouthepitfallstoavoidalongtheway.

Andsincethisisasocialskillsguideafterall,I’llalsoaddressthesocialskillsofdating.Howtoasksomeoneout,whattodoonthatfirstdate–I’llcoveritall.

Sowhatareyouwaitingfor?Divein!

HealthyRelationshipsDefinedWhatisahealthyrelationship,andwhyisitimportant?

HowtoHaveaHealthyRelationshipHowdoyoumakesurethatyourrelationshipishealthy,positiveandfulfilling?

BeginningaRomanceHowdoyoustartaromanceontherightfoot?Wheredoyougotomeetyournextpartner?

FromFriendshiptoFirstKissHowdoyoumovefromfriendshiptoromance?Howdoyouletsomeoneknowyoulikethem?

BuildingaRelationshipWorthHavingOnceyou’vestartedarelationship,howdoyougetclosertoyourpartner?Howdoyoumakeyourrelationshipstayshealthy?

SlowandSteadyWinsTheirHeartHowdotimeandcommitmentplayintoyourrelationship?

SlowandSteadyWinsTheirHeart,Part2Howdoyougrowinphysicalandemotionalintimacy,withoutdamagingthe

relationship?

HealthyRelationshipsDefined

Ok.Let’sgetphilosophicalforasecond.

Iknowyouprobablywanttojumpaheadtothemore“practical”portionofthissection.Youwanttoknowhowtoasksomeoneout,whattodoonadate–andtrustme,we’llgetthere.

Butthoseskillsareuselessifyoudon’tknowhowtohaveahealthyrelationship.Infact,theycanbeworsethanuseless,becausebeinginanunhealthyrelationshipisoftenmuchworsethanbeingsingle.

Solet’stakethetimetogooversomefoundationalprinciplesofhealthyrelationships(becauseremember,thefoundationiseverything.)

ButbeforeIstart,oneimportantnote.

There’sabigdifferencebetweenarelationshipthatisunhealthyandarelationshipthatisabusive.Good-hearted,well-intentionedpeoplecaneasilyslipintorelationshipsthatareunhealthy,andalthoughsometimestherightresponsetoanunhealthyrelationshipistoendit,oftenalittleworkcanmakethoserelationshipshealthyagain.

Incontrast,ifyouareinanabusiverelationship,youneedtogetoutandyouneedtogethelp.Andifsomeoneyouknowmightbeinanabusiverelationship,youneedtotellsomeoneandgethelpforthem.

Takeaminuteandreadthroughthewarningsignsofabuserightnow.Seriously,I’llwait.

Evenifyouwillneverbeinanabusiverelationship,knowingthesignswillhelpyourecognizewhenafriendisatriskofbeingabused.Andifyourecognizethosesignsinyourrelationshiporafriend’srelationship,youshouldcalladomesticabusehotlineandtellsomeonewhat’sgoingon.

HealthyRelationships:ALoveStoryStillwithme?Cool.

Let’smoveontohowtomakesureyourrelationshipishealthy.ButwhatdoImeanbyahealthyrelationship?

Well,letmetellyouastory.

Mysenioryearofcollege,IdatedagirlnamedSam,whoisawonderfulyoungwomanwithalovingsoulandanincrediblegiftforart.

Oneevening,Samaskedme“Daniel,whatisyourgoalforourrelationship?”

Ireplied,“Sam,Iwantthepeoplewhoknowyouandloveyouthebesttobeabletosay‘WearesogladthatDanieldatedSam,becausehemadeherreallyhappy,andbecausehehelpedherbecomemorethepersonthatshewassupposedtobe.’”

MyrelationshipwithSamisnowover,butIstilltakeagreatdealofjoyintheknowledgethatIdidmybesttoliveoutthatanswer.IacceptedSamforwhoshewas,broughtjoytoherlife,andencouragedhertogrowmoreintothepersonshewassupposedtobe.

Andyouknowwhat?SamacceptedmeforwhoIwas,broughtjoytomylife,andencouragedmetogrowmoreintothepersonIwassupposedtobe.

Thatisahealthyrelationshipinanutshell.Itwasarelationshipinwhichweacceptedandcherishedeachother,whereweencouragedeachothertogrow,andwhereweweremorefocusedongivingtoeachotherthanreceivingfromeachother.

Itwasalsoahealthyrelationshipbecauseofwhatwedidnotdo.Wedidn’tdisrespectormanipulateeachother.Wedidn’tdropeverythingelseinourlifetofocussolelyoneachother.Wedidn’tpressureeachothertochange(weencouragedeachothertogrow,butwealwaysacceptedeachotherforwhowewere,notforwhowemightbeinthefuture.)Andwedidn’trushthings–welettherelationshipgrowatanatural,healthypace.

CommittingtoHealthyRelationshipsMyrelationshipwithSamwasawonderfulpartofmylife,andIwantyoutohavewonderful,healthyrelationshipstoo.

ButI’llbehonest.Healthydatingrelationshipstakework.Theyrequirethatyoudedicateyourselftoyourpartner’swell-beingandhappiness,andthatyouswallowyourprideandyourselfishness.Theyrequireawillingnesstomakeshort-termsacrificessothatyoucanhavelastingjoy.

Theyrequireacommitment,inshort.Andcommitmentsarehard.

Butwhenyouhaveexperiencedthejoyofatrulyhealthyrelationship,youwon’teverwanttosettleforanythingless.Ihopethatwhenyouenteryournextrelationship,youcommittomakingitahealthyone–bothforyoursake,andthesakeofyourpartner.

Ofcourse,evenifyouarefullycommittedtoahealthyrelationship,wantingahealthyrelationshipisnotthesameasknowinghowtogetthere.Fortunately,thenextlessonexplainsindetail“HowtoHaveaHealthyRelationship”andcontainsallofthepracticalinformationyouneedtoknow.

HowtoHaveaHealthyRelationship

Ifyou’vereadthepreviouslesson,youhopefullyunderstandwhyhealthyrelationshipsareimportant.

Now,it’stimetolearnthedetailsofwhatmakesarelationshiphealthy(orunhealthy.)

Becauseeveryrelationshipisdifferent,there’snowaytomakeanexhaustivelistofallthewaysrelationshipscouldbehealthyorunhealthy.Butifyoufocusonthemostimportantthings,youwillavoidthevastmajorityofproblems.

Withthatinmind,I’velistedthethreemajorprinciplesthatneedtobetrueforanyrelationshiptobehealthy.Learnthesethreeprinciples,andyou’llknowhowtohaveahealthy,fulfillingromance.

Ready?Let’sdivein.

FreedomandAcceptanceInahealthyrelationship,bothpartnersfeelaccepted,andhavethefreedomtobethemselves.

Thatmeansthatbothpartnersshouldbeabletorelaxandbethemselves,withoutworryingthattheotherpartnerwilljudgethemfortheirthoughtsoractions.Youshouldneverneedtohidepartofyourselftobeacceptedbyyourpartner.

Ofcourse,thisdoesn’tmeanthatyourpartnerhastoapproveofeverythingthatyoudo.Ifyou’remakingabaddecision,Ihopeyourpartnerspeaksuptoletyouknow!

Butyoushouldn’tfeelthatyouhavetoagreewiththeiropinionsforthemtoacceptyou,andyoushouldn’tfeellikeyouneedyourpartner’spermissiontomakeyourowndecisionsaboutyourlife.

Evenwhenyoudisagree,youshouldstillrespecteachother’sopinions.Ifyourpartnerbelittlesyouropinionsandbeliefs,ordoesn’ttreatyoulikeanequal,that’saserioussignofanunhealthyrelationship.

Inaddition,youshouldbothfeelthatyouhavethefreedomtotalkabouttherelationship,andtobringupproblemsthatyousee.Ifmypartnerdoessomethingthatupsetsme,Ishouldbeableto(gently)letherknow.

Andifsheseesaprobleminourrelationship,sheshouldbeabletoletmeknowsowecanfindasolution.Bothpartnersareequalmembersoftherelationship,sotheyshouldhaveequalsayaboutwhathappensintherelationship.

MeaningfulLivesOutsidetheRelationshipInahealthyrelationship,bothpartnershavefulfillinglivesoutsideoftheirdatingrelationshipandmaintainclosefriendshipswithpeopleotherthantheirdatingpartner.Inaddition,bothpartnerssupporteachothertopursuethoseimportantpartsoflifethatareoutsideofthedatingrelationship.

It’snotuncommonforpeopletoleteverythingelseintheirlifeslidewhentheystartanewrelationship.Theystopspendingtimewithfriendsorpursuingtheirgoalsbecausethenewrelationshipquicklytakesupalloftheirtime.

Thisisunhealthy.

Adatingrelationshipshouldbeasignificantpartofyourlife,butit’sonlypartofyourlife.

Youshouldstillhaveothercloserelationships,aswellashobbiesthatyouenjoyandlifegoalsthatyoupursue.Yourrelationshipshouldn’tbetheonlythingyouspendyourfreetimeon,norshoulditbetheonlyimportantthinginyourlife.

Inaddition,yourpartnershouldsupportyouinyouroutsiderelationships,hobbies,andgoals.Yourpartnershouldencourageyoutogetthatdegree,ortosignupforthatbowlingleague,ortospendsometimewiththatfriendthatyouhaven’tseeninawhile.

Andyoushouldencourageyourpartnerinthesameway–evenifthatmeanstheyspentlesstimewithyou.Ifit’simportanttothem,itshouldbeimportanttoyou.

SharedSelflessnessInahealthyrelationship,bothpartnersmakeittheirgoalfortheirpartnertobehappyandfulfilled,nottohavetheirpartnermakethemhappyandfulfilled.

Thisisthemostimportantpoint.Solistencarefully,andpleasemakesureyouunderstandwhatI’msaying.

Ifyouaremoreconcernedwithwhatyourpartnercandoforyouthanwithwhatyoucandoforyourpartner,thenyoushouldnotbedatingthem.

Andiftheyaremoreconcernedwithwhatyoucandoforthemthanwithwhattheycandoforyou,thentheyshouldnotbedatingyou.

It’snaturaltothinkaboutthegoodthingsourpartnercandoforus–theygiveussomeonetotalkto,alleviateourloneliness,andfeelreallynicetokissorhold.Andit’soktowantthosethings,andtoenjoythem.

Butyourgoalinyourrelationshipshouldnotbetogeteverythingyoucanfromyourpartner.Itshouldbetogiveeverythingyoucantoyourpartner,becauseafterall,givingiswhatloveisallabout.

Ofcourse,yourpartnershouldalsohavethismotive.

Ifyougiveeverythingyoucantoyourpartner,butyourpartnerrarelygivestoyou,thentheyaretakingadvantageofyou(andyoushouldn’tbedatingthem.)Stayawayfromthetrapof“IfonlyIgavemore/becameabetterpartner,maybemypartnerwouldstarttogivetome.”

TheBeautyofInterdependenceButhopefully,youdocareaboutyourpartner,andtheydocareaboutyou.Andwhenthatistrue,somethingincrediblehappens.

Youcanstopworryingsomuchaboutyourself,andinsteadfocusonmeetingtheirneeds.Andtheycanstopworryingsomuchaboutthemselves,andinsteadfocusonmeetingyourneeds.Youtrustyourpartnertotakecareofyou,andtheytrustyoutotakecareofthem.

Thereisabeautifulinterdependencethatiscreated,wherethetwoofyoucanrestineachother’spresenceandknowthatyouaresafeandlovedandaccepted.Youcantrustthatyoudon’thavetohaveitalltogether,becauseyourpartnerhasyourback,andlovesyouevenwhenyoumakemistakes.

Oneday,youmightbepresentedwiththeopportunitytosettleforarelationshipthatisunhealthyandsuperficial.Don’tdoit.

Thebeautyandjoyofahealthy,interdependentrelationshipisanexperiencelikenoneother,andit’sworththewait.Don’tcheatyourselfbysettlingforsomethingless.

Ofcourse,youcan’tgettothatpointofinterdependencewithoutfirststartingtherelationship.

BeginningaRomance

Ok.You’vereadthroughtheexplanationofahealthyrelationship,andyou’reexcitedtoexperienceagreatrelationshipwiththatspecialsomeone.

So…nowwhat?

Withafewexceptions,yourperfectpartnerisnotgoingtodropfromtheskyintoyourwaitingarms.Youneedtomeetthemfirst,andthengettoknowthem,andthentaketheplungeofadmittingyourfeelingsandenteringthestrangeandwonderfulworldofmore-than-friends.

Butwithalittleguidance,thatprocesscanbeexcitingandjoyful,insteadofconfusingandscary.Let’swalkthrougheachofthestepsinturn.

MeetingYourPartnerForgetsingleseventsandawkwardlytryingtopickuppeopleatbars.

Youshouldmeetpotentialromanticpartnersintheexactsamewaythatyouwouldmeetnewfriends.Thisfliesagainstalotofconventionalwisdom,Iknow.

Buthearmeout–thereisanimportantreasonwhyIbelievethisistrue.

Whenyougotoaneventfortheexpresspurposeofmeetingaromanticpartner,you’remuchmorelikelytolinkupwithsomeonewhoisabadfitforyou.Becausethepressureison,youareprobablygoingtofocusonmakingagoodimpression,insteadofputtingyourfocusongettingtoknowthepeopleyoumeet.

Authenticityandvulnerability(thebuildingblocksofrealconnectionandintimacy)gooutthewindow,andsuperficialattractivenessandcharmtakethespotlight.

Theresult?Youzeroinonthefolkswhoarethemostsuperficiallyattractive–notthepeoplewhowillbethebestlong-termpartnerforyou.

Thesolution?Takethetimetogettoknowthatattractiveguy/girlasapersonbeforeyoustartthinkingaboutthemasapotentialromanticpartner.

TrueAttractionIt’sfinetobeinitiallyattractedtosomeone.Buttakeastepbackandremindyourselfthatyoudon’treallyknowthemyet.Justlikethereistruefearandphysicalfear,thereistrueattractionandphysicalattraction.

Youwanttowaitfortrueattraction–whichisthesweetmomentwhereyourealizeyouliketheotherpersonforwhotheyare,notforwhattheycanofferyou.Andthattrueattractiontakestimetobuild.

AndwhenIsayit“takestimetobuild,”I’mreferringtodaysorweeks,notminutes.Iknowthat

seemsdullandunromantic(whathappenedtoloveatfirstsight?)Butrememberthatthefoundationiseverything,andittakestimetomakeagoodfoundationforyourrelationship.

Ifyoutakethetimetoreallygettoknowtheotherperson,youwillbuildyourromanceonarock-solidfoundationoftrueattraction.Rushin,andyourrelationshipwillbalanceprecariouslyontheshakyfoundationofphysicalattraction.

ApplicationHere’showyouputthisinaction.

First,checkyourmotives.Findingadatingpartnershouldnotbeyourprimarymotiveformeetingnewpeople.It’sfinetohavethatbepartofyourmotives,butitshouldn’tbeyournumberone.

Theprimarymotiveof“findadate”meansthatyou’remissingoutonthechancetomakegoodfriendshipswithpeoplethatdon’tpingyour“possibledate”radar.Plus(likeIexplainabove),whenyourprimarymotiveisfindingadate,it’sactuallymuchharderforyoutofindagooddatingpartner.

Sotakethetimetothinkthroughyourmotives.Ifyoufindthatyourprimarymotiveisinfactfindingadatingpartner,don’tdespair.Justspendsometimespeakingtruthtoyourself,andremindyourselfofthereasonsforgettingtoknowpeopleaspeople,insteadofaspotentialdates.

Second,shakeupyourroutine.Ifyou’renotgoingtodating-focusedevents,youneedanotherwaytomeetpeople.Ifyoukeepgoingtothesameeventsorspendingtimewiththesamegroups,youropportunitiestomeetnewpeoplewillbeverylimited.

Sotrynewthings.Signupforaclassinatopicthatinterestsyou.Joinavolunteergroup.Makearulethatyou’lltryonenewthingeveryweek,ormakealistofnewgroupstocheckout.

Ofcourse,thisadvicewillalsohelpyouwithlifeingeneral.Shakingupyourroutineisasurefirewaytomakenewfriends,enrichyourlife,anddiscovernewpassions.Butit’salsoextremelyapplicabletofindingadatingpartner–everynewthingyoutryisanotheropportunitytomeetthatspecialsomeone.

Third,pursuedeepconnections.RememberwhenIsaidyouwanttogettoknowthatattractiveguy/girlasapersonbeforeyoustartdreamingaboutthemasyourboyfriend/girlfriend?Well,thatrequiresthatyoumakeapointofgettingtoknowpeople.

Sopursuedeepconnectionswithpeople.Trytopushpastsuperficialconversationsabouttheweatherorthelatestmovieandtrytolearnthestoryofthepeopleyouaretalkingwith.Findoutwhatmakesthemunique;askthemabouttheirpassionsandtheirdreams–andshareyourstorywiththeminresponse.

Ofcourse,makingdeepconnectionstakestime,andittakespractice.Somepeoplewon’tbeopentoconnecting,andthat’sfine.Youshouldalwaysbereadytosteertheconversationaway

frompersonaltopicsifyousensetheotherpersonbecominguncomfortable,andit’softenwisetotakegradualstepstowardsadeepconnectionwhenyou’renotsureiftheotherpersonwillbecomfortable.

Butgivepeopletheopportunitytoconnect–don’tassumetheywillsayno.Askquestionsthatshowyourgenuineinterestintheotherperson.Sharepartsofyourownstorytolettheotherpersonknowthatsharingisok.

Iftheotherpersonseesthatyougenuinelywanttogettoknowthem,theyalmostalwayswillrespondpositivelytoyourattemptstoconnect.Mostpeoplereallywanttoconnectwithothers–theyjustwantsomeoneelsetomakethefirstmove.

Somakeapointofconnectingwitheveryoneyoucan.Ithinkifyoudo,you’llfindyourlifeblessedwithnewfriends,goodconversations,andperhaps(onedaysoon)anewspecialsomeone.

MovingBeyondFriendshipOk.Let’ssayyouresistedshort-sighted“findadateatallcosts”motives,youshookupyourroutine,andyou’remakingagenuineefforttoconnectwiththenewpeopleyou’vemet.

Andlet’ssaythatoneofthosenewpeoplehasconnectedwithyouinaspecialway,andaftergettingtoknowhim/herasaperson,you’rereadytoenterthestrangeandbeautifulworldofmore-than-friends.

Nowwhat?

Well,that’swhatwe’lltacklenext,inalessonIcall“FromFriendshiptoFirstKiss.”

FromFriendshiptoFirstKiss

Ok.Let’ssayyou’vespentthetimetogettoknowthisnewperson.Youenjoyspendingtimewiththem,youfeelclosetothem,andtheyseemtoenjoyspendingtimewithyoutoo.

Plus,you’vesortedthroughyouremotionsandyoufeelthattrueattractionisstartingtobuild–thisismorethanacrush.Andyou’vetakenalookathowthetwoofyouinteracttomakesureyoudon’tseeanywarningsignsofanunhealthyrelationship.

You’rereadytomovetherelationshipintodatingterritory,inotherwords.

Buthowdoyoudoit?

Well,there’snoonerightway.Relationshipsaredifferentbecausepeoplearedifferent,soyourlovestorywillbedifferentthanthecoupledowntheroad.

Butingeneral,there’sthreesimplestepsthatyoucanfollow.

First,gaugetheirinterest.

Second,signalyourinterest.

Third,declareyourinterest.

Ready?Let’stackleeachinturn.

GaugeTheirInterestThisonecanbetough.

Peoplewilloftentreatagoodfriendandaromanticinterestinaverysimilarway,soit’seasytogetafalsepositive.

ItISpossibletotellwhensomeoneisromanticallyinterestedinyou,butit’shard,anditrequiresalotofpractice.Youneedtoexperienceseveralpeopleinteractingwithyouasafriendandalsoseveralpeopleinteractingwithyouasaromanticinterestbeforeyoucanreliablytellthedifferencebetweenthetwo.

Becauseofthis,thebestwaytotellifsomeoneisinterestedinyouistocomparethewaytheyinteractwithyouwiththewaytheyinteractwithothersofyourgender.

Ifsomeoneisveryphysicallyaffectionatewithyou,butthey’realsoveryphysicallyaffectionatewiththeirotherclosefriends,that’snotasignalthatthey’reinterestedinyou.Ifsomeonespendslotsoftimewithyouone-on-one,andtheyrarelyhangoutwithotherfriendsone-on-one,that’samuchmorepositivesignal.

SignalYourInterest

Ifyouhaveareasonablesuspicionthepersonisinterestedinyou,it’stimetoletthemknowthatyouareinterestedtoo.

However,youshouldn’tforcethemintoadecision.Atthisstage,youwanttogivethemthechancetogetusedtothethoughtofdatingyou,withoutthepressureofacommitment.

Inotherwords,askthemonadate,butdon’taskthemtobeyourboyfriend/girlfriend.

Now,ifyoufollowedtheadviceintheguide,you’vealreadyspentsometimewiththispersonandgottentoknowthem.Soifyouaskthemtospendsomemoretimetogether,you’renotsendingaclearsignalofinterest.

Instead,invitethemtosomethingthatfeelslikeatraditionaldate–dinnerandamovie,aschooldance,etc.

Putsomeeffortintomakingitfeelromantic,andfeelfreetobemoreflirty,butdon’tgooverboard.Youwanttobethesamepersontheygottoknowpre-dating,soifyouactartificiallyromantic,itwillmakethemuncomfortable.

Mostly,justrelaxandenjoytheevening.Yourdateisanopportunitytogetahintofwhatarelationshipwouldbelike,sothegoalisnottowooyourpartnerbuttogivethetwoofyouachancetoconsidertheideaofmore-than-friends.

Theymightaskifit’sadate,inwhichcaseyoushouldbehonestandsayyes.Thepointisnottobecoyaboutyourinterestbutrathertoshareyourinterestinawaythatdoesn’tforcethemtoimmediatelydecideiftheyareinterestedinyou.

DeclareYourInterestAfteryougoonadate(ortwo)andallgoeswell,it’stimetosharethewayyoufeel.

Thisdoesn’thavetobeanelaborateaffair.Justpickatimewhenyou’rebothrelaxed,findaquietplace,andspeakfromtheheart.Don’tworryaboutflowerylanguageorbeingromantic–justbehonest.

It’soktoshareyourfeelingsinacreativeway.Forinstance,ifthethoughtofsharingyourfeelingsoutloudterrifiesyou,perhapsyoucouldwritethemaletter(ofcourse,makesureyou’retherewhentheyreadit!)

Whenyou’vesharedhowyoufeel,givethemsomespacetosharehowtheyfeel.It’spossiblethatthey’renotsureyet,ortheyneedmoretimetogettoknowyou.Sobewillingtotalkthroughtheirfeelingswiththem,andbewillingtowaitforananswerifthey’renotreadyyet.

ABriefNoteonRejectionIt’salsopossiblethattheydon’tshareyourfeelings.

Usuallyyouwouldhavefoundthisoutbeforeyouexplicitlysharedyourfeelings,butsometimesyouhavetoputallyourcardsonthetablebeforeyoulearnhowsomeonereallyfeels.

Ifthat’sthecase,it’sgoingtosuck.It’shardtotellsomeoneyoulikethem,andfindthattheydon’tlikeyouback(atleast,notromantically.)Soyou’regoingtohavetodealwithsomepain,andit’simportanttoacknowledgethatpainandnotbottleituporignoreit.

Butitwillbeok.

Youdon’tneedtodatesomeonetobehappy.Andalthoughyoufeltaspecialconnectionwiththisperson,youwillfindthatspecialconnectionwithsomeoneelseinthefuture.

Andinthemeantime,youcanhaveawonderfulfriendshipwiththispersonthatyou’vegrownfondof.Insteadofbeingangrythatyoucan’thavearomancewiththatperson,begratefulforthefriendshipthatyoucanenjoy.

Itwilltakesomeworktoretrainyourheart,butitcanbedone.

(Ofcourse,thisadviceappliesmoretorelationshipsthatneverreallygetoffthegroundratherthantobreakupsofcommittedrelationships.Onceyouandyourpartnerhavebecomeboyfriendandgirlfriendwithsomeone,itismuchharder—althoughstillpossible—toreturntoastateofclosefriendship.Butwe’lldiscussbreakupslater)

More-Than-FriendsIneededtoaddressrejectionbecauseitcanhappen,andyouneedtobepreparedforit.

Butalthoughyouneedtoprepareforit,it’sprobablynotlikely.Iftheydon’tshareyourfeelings,youprobablywouldhavefiguredthatoutwhenattemptingtogaugetheirinterest,ortheywouldhaveletyouknowwhenyouinvitedthemonthatfirstdate.

Somostlikely,whenyoutaketheplungeandadmityouraffection,youwillfindthatyourpartnerreturnsthataffection.

Inthatcase,congratulations!Thestartofarelationshipisanincredibleexperience,andaspecial,wonderfultimeofyourlifeisjustbeginning.

BuildingaRelationshipWorthHaving

Ok.You’vefoundthatspecialsomeone,expressedyourinterest,andgotthe“Yes!”

Now,it’stimetoenjoythewonderfulprocessofgettingtoknowyournewpartnerandgrowingdeeperinintimacy,affection,andlove.

However,there’sarightwayandawrongwayofdoingthis.

Thewrongway(thatmanycouplesfallinto),istorushintotherelationshipfullthrottle.Youmayhavebeencautiouswhengaugingtheotherperson’sinterest,butnowthattherelationshipisofficial,anythoughtofbrakesgooutthewindow.

Youshareyourdeepest,darkestsecretswiththem.Youletyourselfgetsoemotionallyattachedthatabreakupwoulddevastateyou.Andyouremovealllimitsfromyourphysicalaffection–allbeforetherelationshipistwoweeksold!

TheDangersofFullThrottleIntimacyThere’sareasonIcallthisthe“wrongway”ofgoingaboutrelationships.Yourrelationshipneedstimetogrowifyouwantittobehealthy.

ThinkbacktoyourlastThanksgivingdinner.

Theturkeyhastostayintheovenforhoursbeforeit’sready,andthere’snowaytoshortcuttheprocess.

Ifyoucranktheoventemperatureupto1000degrees,you’renotgoingtogetadeliciousturkeyinfiveminutes–you’regoingtolighttheturkeyonfire(andpossiblyburnyourhousedown.)

Thissameprincipleworksinrelationships.

Ittakestimefortrueintimacytobuild.

Ittakestimeforsomeonetotrulyearnyourtrust.

Ittakestimefortwopeopletolearntoloveeachotherwell.

Andifyou’renotwillingtogiveitthattime,youruntheriskofhavingarelationshipthatendsuplikeourscorchedThanksgivingturkey.Youdon’twantthat–andwhat’smore,youdon’twanttoinflictthatonyourpartner.

The“SlowandSteady”SquareOfcourse,youdon’twanttogotoofast–butyoualsodon’twanttostandstill.Sohowdoyouknowthatyourrelationshipisgrowingatahealthypace?

AveryhandyruleofthumbissomethingIcallthe“SlowandSteady”Square

Inasquare,therearefourequalsides.Ifeverysideincreasesbythesameamount,theneach

sideisstillequalandyoustillhaveasquare.

Ifsomesidesincreasebutothersdonot,thenyounolongerhaveasquare.

Forthe“SlowandSteady”Square,thinkofthefoursidesofthesquareasTime,Commitment,PhysicalIntimacy,andEmotionalIntimacy.Youwanteachofthosefoursidestogoupatmore-or-lessthesamerate,sothatyoukeepasquare.

Inotherwords,asyouspendtimewithyourpartner,youwantcommitment,physicalintimacy,andemotionalintimacytoincreaseatsimilarrates.And,youwantasignificantamountoftimetoelapsebeforeyoureachsignificantlevelsofcommitment,physicalintimacy,oremotionalintimacy.

Ifsomeofthosefouraspectsincreasessignificantlyfaster(orslower)thantheothers,don’tfreakout.Justtakedeliberateactiontobringallfourbackintobalance.

Inotherwords,ifonesideisgrowingtoofast,slowitdown.Ifit’sgrowingtooslow,speeditup.Simple,right?

“SlowandSteady”inPracticeI’lladmit,thisisnotaperfectrule.

Inarealrelationshipthesefoursideswillnevermoveatexactlythesamespeed.

Butthat’sok.Yourgoalistokeepyourrelationshipmore-or-lessinbalance,nottoperfectlyadheretothesquare.

Basically,usethesquareasacheck-uptool.Everynowandthen,takesometimetothinkthroughwhereyourrelationshipfallsonthesquare.

Ifyou’refindingthatsomeofthesidesareincreasingmuchfasterorslowerthantheothers,thenmakedeliberatedecisionstobringthemmoreinbalance.

Forinstance,ifyoufindthatyouremotionalintimacydoesnotseemtobeincreasing,maybeyouandyourpartnercantryhavingmoreconversationsaboutpersonaltopics.

Or,ifyoufindthatphysicalintimacyseemstobeincreasingwayfasterthaneverythingelse,makeanagreementwithyourpartnerthatyou’llbemorehands-offforthetimebeing.It’snotthatphysicalintimacyiswrong–youjustdon’twanttogettheretoosoon.

Makesense?

Thisisalottodigest,soit’sokifit’sstillalittlefuzzyrightnow.Inthenextsection,I’llexplainindetailwhatImeanbyeachofthefoursides,andhowtotellifasideisincreasingtoofastortooslow.Withthatadviceunderyourbelt,you’llbefullyequippedtoapplythe“SlowandSteady”squares

SlowandSteady...

Ok.Youwantyourrelationshiptogrowatahealthyrate.Andyou(mostly)gettheideaofthe“SlowandSteady”square–itmakessensethattime,commitment,physicalintimacyandemotionalintimacyshouldgoupatthesamerate.

Butyou’reprobablystillleftwithalotofquestions.

Howdoyouactuallyfigureouthowfastthosefoursidesaregoingup,relativetoeachother?

Howmuchtimedoyouneedbeforethecommitmentofboyfriendandgirlfriend?Howmuchemotionalintimacydoyouneedbeforethatfirstkiss?

AndwhatdoImeanbyallthesetermsanyway?

Fortunately,theanswerstothosequestionsarewhatwe’lladdressnextasweunpackeachofthe“sides”inturn.Inthissection,we’lltackletimeandcommitment,andinparttwo,we’lldiscussemotionalandphysicalandintimacy.

TimeThisistheeasiestconcepttoexplain,butcanbethehardestonetoapply.Aswe’vealreadydiscussed,relationshipsneedtimetogrowinahealthyway.

Theproblemis,howmuchtime?

Howsoonbeforeyourfirstkiss?Howsoonbeforeyoucansharethatbigsecretwiththem?

There’sobviouslynoonerightanswerforthis.Itmightbeokforonepersontohavetheirfirstkissontheirfirstdate,whereassomeoneelsemightchoosetowaituntiltheirweddingdayfortheirfirstkiss.

Butifyou’recommittedtoaskingthequestionof“Arewegoingtoofast?”youwilloftenfindtherightanswerforyou.Justtrustyourgut.

Ortobemoredirect,ifyoufeelthatyoumightbegoingtoofast,youprobablyare.

Slowdown.

MyfriendScottunintentionallygavemesomeofthebestrelationshipadviceI’veeverreceived.Wewerebakingcookiesandhesaid“Ialwaysliketocheckthemafewminutesbeforethey’redone,justincase.Youcanalwayscookthemmore,butyoucanneveruncooksomething.”

Youcan’t“uncook”arelationship.

Butifyoutakethingsslow,it’seasytotakethebrakesoffoncealittletimehaspassedandyou’resurethatyou’rereadyforthatnextstep.

Soifyou’renotsure,slowdown.

It’soktojustenjoythestageoftherelationshipthatyou’rein.Youdon’thavetozoomtothenextlevelofintimacyrightaway.

CommitmentCommitmentisthesideoftherelationshipthatsignals“We’reinthisforthelonghaul.”

Formalrelationshipstagesareabigpartofcommitment.Becomingboyfriendandgirlfriend,becomingengaged,gettingmarried,etc.,areallstagesofcommitment.

Butsometimescommitmenttakesamoresubtleform.

Movingtoadifferentstatetobewiththepersonyou’redatingisabigcommitment.Signingupforcouple’scounselingisasignofcommitment.Soischoosingtoforgiveinsteadofwalkingoutwhenyou’vebeenhurt.

Takealookatallthewaysyouarecommittedtosomeone–notjustwhatyourFacebookrelationshipstatussays.

Also,makesurethatyourcommitmentgrowsinpacewitheverythingelse.Ifyou’restillintheearlystagesoftherelationshipwithsomeone,youshouldn’tbemakinglong-termcommitmentsbecauseyoudon’tyetknowifyou’regoingtobetogetherlong-term.

Andifyou’vebeenwithsomeoneforalongtime,somethingisprobablyamissifyou’renotwillingtomakeacommitmenttothemthatreflectsthelengthofyourrelationship.

Inotherwords,yourcommitmenttotheotherpersonshouldreflectthestageyourrelationshipiscurrentlyat.Ifyourcommitmenttothemiswaymoreorlessthanyourintimacyandsharedhistorywiththem,thensomethingisprobablywrong.

IntimacyFollowingmesofar?Sweet.

Next,we’llexplorethefinaltwosidesofthe“SlowandSteady”Square:emotionalandphysicalintimacy.

Intimacycanbehardertomeasurethancommitmentortime.Gaugingyourintimacylevelismuchtougherthancheckinghowlongyou’vebeendating,oryourcurrentstageofcommitment.Butintimacyissuperimportant,soI’vemadesurethatthenextsectionwillprepareyoutogrowintimacyinyourrelationshipinahealthyway.

...WinsTheirHeart

We’vediscussedtimeandcommitment–thefirsttwosidesofthe“SlowandSteady”Square.Now,let’sdigintophysicalandemotionalintimacy.

PhysicalIntimacyThere’snothingwrongorshamefulaboutphysicalintimacywithyourpartner–providedyougoaboutitintherightway.

Physicalintimacyfeelsgood,andifyou’reattractedtosomeoneit’snaturaltowanttogetphysicalwiththem.

Butphysicalintimacyisdesignedtobeanexpressionofemotionalintimacy.Doingsomethingphysicalwithoutanemotionalconnectionfeelsgoodinthemoment,butitultimatelyleadstofeelingsofemptinessandloneliness.

Plus,toomuchphysicalintimacytoosooncancheapentheemotionalintimacyofarelationship.Youwantyourfeelingsofloveandaffectiontowardsyourpartnertobebasedinwhotheyareandhowmuchyoucareaboutthem–notbasedinhowniceitfeelswhenyouarephysicalwiththem.Oneoftheeasiestwaysto“burntheturkey”whenitcomestorelationshipsistogetreallyphysical,reallyfast.

Sowhenisitoktostartbeingphysicalwithyourpartner?

Again,thisanswerwillvaryfordifferentcouples.Butthere’sathree-stepprocessyoucanfollowtofigureouttherightanswerforyou.

First,checkyourmotivesforwantingtogetphysical.Areyoumoreexcitedaboutthethoughtofallofthefunsensations,orareyoumoreexcitedaboutthethoughtofsharingaspecialkindofintimacywithyourpartner?Bebrutallyhonesthere.Ifyou’remoreexcitedaboutthephysicalsensations,wait.

Second,takestockofwhereyouareatcommitment-wise.Areyoustillintheveryearlystagesofcommitment?Thenyourlevelofphysicalintimacyshouldprobablybeverymild.Areyouinalaterstageoftherelationship?Thenyoucanthinkaboutintroducingadeeperlevelofphysicalintimacy.

Third,makeyourdecisionaboutreachinganewlevelofphysicalintimacywhenyou’recalm,happy,andnotwithyourpartner.11:30PMwhenyou’resnugglingonthecouchisnotagoodsettingformakingawisedecision.

Ifyou’recurious,myruleofthumbformyownrelationshipsisthatIneedtowaitoncuddlinguntilI’vestarteddatingthegirl,Ineedtowaitonkissinguntilwe’reboyfriendandgirlfriend,Ineedtowaitonintensekissing(i.e.,makingout)untilwe’vebeenboyfriendandgirlfriendforawhile,andIneedtowaitonsexuntilmarriage.

Theseboundariesmightbedifferentforyou,butpickboundariesandsticktothem.Andmakesureyouknowyourpartner’sboundaries,andsticktothose,too.

It’sfineifyouarereadyforsomethingatadifferentstagethanme,butmakesureyouareactuallyready.Ifyoujumpintophysicalintimacytoosoon,youcan’t“uncook”that.

EmotionalIntimacyEmotionalintimacyisboththeeasiestandthehardestrelationshipaspecttodescribe.

Howclosedoyoufeeltoyourpartner?Howmuchdoyoutrustthem?Howwelldoyouknowthem?

Theseareeasyquestionstounderstand,butareoftenhardtoanswer.Feelingsarenoteasilyquantified.

Thesolutionistospendthetimeyouneedgettingintouchwithyourfeelings.Relationshipskickupamaelstromofemotion–excitement,nervousness,jealousy,joy,allmingledtogether.Ittakestimeanddeliberateworktosortthroughthosefeelings.

Areyounervousbecausethisisyourfirstrelationshipandyoudon’twanttomessup,orareyounervousbecauseyou’resensingsomethingwrong?Areyouexcitedtobewiththispersonbecauseyoureallydofeelclosetothem,orbecauseyoujustlikehavingsomeonetohold?

Spendthetimeittakestosortthroughthesefeelings,inwhateverwayyouprocessemotionbest.Journalortalkwithafriendorgoforarun.Figureouthowyouarereallyfeelingaboutthepersonyouaredating.

Itmightnothappenovernight,buttheunderstandingwillcomeifyoukeeppursuingit.

Youstillmightnotbeabletoquantifyexactlyhowcloseyoufeel.Butifyouremotionalintimacyisatahealthyplace,you’llfeelagrowingsenseofpeaceandcontentedness—asensethateverythingisok,andyoucanrest.

Andifthingsareunhealthy,you’llfeelagrowingsenseofdisquietandconcern—andthat’sasignthatsomethingisnotright,andyoushouldfindoutwhat’swrong.

LivingYourLoveStoryCongratulations!You’venearlyfinishedthedatingguide.

Youhaven’tlearnedhowtomagicallycausepeopletofallinlovewithyou.NorhaveIgivenyoufoolproofpickuplines,secretcluesthatsomeoneisinterestedinyou,oranyoftheothersneakytricksthatfillmanydatingguides.

Whatyouhavelearnedishowtohaveanincrediblelovestory.

Becausehonestly,loveisnotabouttricks.Love,infact,isaboutfindingaplacewhereyoudon’tneedtricksorsuavemovesoranythingotherthanjustbeingyourself.

It’saboutbeingwithsomeonewholovesyouandacceptsyouasyouare–it’saboutbeingwith

someonewhosays“Iloveyouforwhoyouare,notforwhatyoucandoforme.”

Andsneakytrickswon’tgetyouthere.Youarriveatthatplacethroughcommitmentandknowledge–commitmenttoahealthyrelationship,andknowledgeofhowtogetthere.

IwrotetheguidetosharetheknowledgeI’velearnedwithyou.Younowknowhowtorecognizeahealthyandunhealthyrelationship,howtostartarelationshipinahealthyway,andhowtogrowyourrelationshipatahealthypace.

Thenextstepisuptoyou.

Iguaranteethatyouwillbeofferedshortcutsandcompromises.You’llbegiventheopportunitytosacrificethelong-termgoodofyourpartnerinexchangeforshort-termpleasure,andinthemomentitmightbereallytempting.

Butyouarestrongerthanthat.

Chooseinterdependenceoverselfishness.Choosetheslowandsteadyrushoverthe1000degreeburntturkey.Choosetoworkforarelationshipwhereyoucanhonestlysay“I’vedoneeverythingpossibletomakemybelovedreallyhappy,andIhelpedthemgrowintothepersontheyweremeanttobe.”

Willyoucommittohealthyrelationship?Ipromiseyouthatifyoudo,youmightneedtoworkharderatthebeginning.Butthesacrificewillbefaroutweighedbythelifetimeofjoyandincredibleintimacythatyouwillfindwaitingforyou.

Chapter10:HowtobeaGoodStoryteller

Peoplearewiredtorespondtostories.

There’sareasonwhysomanypeopleflocktothemoviesorspendhoursreadingnovels–it’sbecausewelovetogetlostinagoodstory.Andifyoueverlistentoagoodconversation,you’llnoticethatalotofconnectionhappenswhenpeoplesharestorieswitheachother.

Unfortunately,therearegoodwaysandbadwaystotellstories–andifyoutellstoriespoorly,you’llloseyouraudience’sinterest.Sohowdoyoutellagoodstoryduringconversations?

Well firstweneed todefine–whatmakesastoryagoodstory? I’dargue thedefinitionofagoodstoryisverysimple:

Agood storyholds the listeners’ interest, builds feelingsof connectionbetweennarratorandaudience,andprovidesasatisfyingconclusion

Inotherwords,thesearethethreeingredientstoagoodstory:

1)HoldingInterest

2)BuildingConnection

3)ProvidingaSatisfyingConclusion.

I’vegotlotsofadviceformasteringeachofthethreeingredients.Let’sdivein!

HoldTheirInterest

StartWithaHookHaveaPointtotheStoryChoosetheRightTimetoTellTheStoryShow;Don’tTellUseVividDetails,NotLotsofFactsPracticeRelatedSkills

BuildaConnection

TellPersonalStories,butCautiouslyShareFirsthandThoughts&Feelings

ProvideaSatisfyingConclusion

WhenYouGettotheEnd,StopDon’tForgettoPasstheSpotlightApplication&Practice

HoldingInterest

StartwithaHookInordertoholdyouraudience’sinterest,youhavetogettheirinterestinthefirstplace.That’swhyyoustartwiththehook.

Ahookisastatementthatcatchesyouraudience’sattentionandalsocluesthemintowhat’scomingupinthestory.Letmeillustratewithastorythatshowshowpowerfulhookscanbe(andyes,Ijustusedahookonyou!)

Yearsago,psychologistsrananexperiment.Theyaskedpeopletoreadthefollowingparagraphs:

“Theprocedureisactuallyquitesimple.Firstyouarrangethingsintodifferentgroups.Ofcourse,onepilemaybesufficientdependingonhowmuchthereistodo.Ifyouhavetogosomewhereelseduetolackoffacilitiesthatisthenextstep,otherwiseyouareprettywellset.Itisimportantnottooverdothings.Thatis,itisbettertodotoofewthingsatoncethantoomany.Intheshortrunthismaynotseemimportantbutcomplicationscaneasilyarise.Amistakecanbeexpensiveaswell.Atfirstthewholeprocedurewillseemcomplicated.

Soon,however,itwillbecomejustanotherfacetoflife.Itisdifficulttoforeseeanyendtothenecessityforthistaskintheimmediatefuture,butthenonenevercantell,Aftertheprocedureiscompletedonearrangesthematerialsintodifferentgroupsagain.Thentheycanbeputintotheirappropriateplaces.Eventuallytheywillbeusedoncemoreandthewholecyclewillthenhavetoberepeated.However,thatispartoflife.”

Ifyou’rescratchingyourheadafterreadingthisparagraph,you’renotalone–thestudyparticipantsthoughtitwasgoobleygook.

Orwell,mostofthemdid.Onegroupofparticipantswastold“You’reabouttoreadsomeinstructionsfordoinglaundry.”Forthoseparticipants,itwasasnaptofollowalongwiththeparagraphs(andindeed,ifyoure-readitnow,you’llprobablyunderstandwhatyou’rehearingmuchbetter.)

Whatdoesthishavetodowithstorytelling?Simple.Ifyoulaunchrightintoastorywithoutgivingsomecontext,thenpeoplewon’tknowwhattodowiththedetailsyou’regivingthem.It’skindoflikegivingsomeonedrivingdirectionsbeforetheyknowthestartingaddress.Butifyouhelpthemunderstandwhatyourstoryisaboutbeforeitbeings,theywillfollowalongwithnoproblem.

Soofferahook.Beginastorywithsomethinglike,“Thatremindsmeofmyworstdateever,”or“DidIevertellyouaboutthetimeIwentonadatewithaprofessionalwrestler?”Givepeopleasenseofwhatthestoryisaboutsotheydon’tgetlost.Thisisespeciallyimportant

forlongerstories–ifyourstoryisonlyafewsentenceslongahookmaynotbenecessary,butifyou’reaskingpeopletopayattentiontoyoufor30secondsormore,you’dbettergivethemahook.

Theotherbenefitofthehook–ifyouraudiencedoesn’t“bite”,thenyouknownottoborethemwiththestory.Ifyoushareahookandnobodyseemsinterested,youmaywanttoconsidertellinganabbreviatedversionofthestory,orsharingadifferentstoryinstead.

HaveaPointBeforeyoutellastory,askyourself“Whywouldmyaudiencewanttohearthisstory?”

Isitbecausethestoryisfunny?Exciting?Touching?Interesting?Whatemotionalresponseisyourstorylikelytoelicitfromyourlisteners?(Ifyoucan’tcomeupwithananswertothisquestion,thismightbeasignyoushouldfindabettertopicforyourstory!)

Thereasonyouaskthisquestionissothatyoucanchooseyourdetailscarefully,tomakesuretheysupportthisgoal.Ifyou’reatthegrocerystorepreparingtobakeacake,youdon’tloadyourshoppingcartwithfishandjalapeñosbecausethoseingredientsdon’thelpyoubakeacake.Similarly,youwanttopackyourstorywithonlydetailsthatsupportthegoalofthestory.

Inotherwords,ifyouaretellingafunnystory,gettothefunnystuffassoonaspossible–don’twastetimegivingboringdetails.Ifyouaretellingatouchingstory,yourgoalistotugonyouraudience’sheartstrings,sobemorecarefulwhenusinghumorousdetails.Ifyou’retryingtomakeanexcitingstory,thenyourgoalshouldbetobuildmomentumandsuspense,soyoushouldn’tincludedetailsthatsacrificemomentum.

Forexample:Let’ssayIwanttotellafunnystoryaboutanexperienceinMexico.Herearetwoversions–seewhichoneyoulikebetter.

Versionone:

“WhenIwasinMexico,Idecidedtogotoaclubwithsomefriends.Wefirstmetupatsomeone’shouse,andwespentsometimesittingaroundandtalking.Then,wewalkedtotheclub,butdecidedwewerehungry,sowestoppedonthewayataMexico7-11andboughtsomeCheetos.ExceptinMexico,theycallthem“Chetos”forsomereason.AfterweateourCheetos,wewentintotheclub.Itwasreallyloud,buteveryoneseemedliketheywerehavingfun.Wedancedforawhile,andthenInoticedthataguyinabearcostumecameontothedancefloor.Hestartedacongaline,andabunchofpeoplewentonthecongalineafterhim.TheycongaedrightoffthedancefloorandintoanotherroomandIneversawanyofthemagain.Tothisday,Iwonderifthebearcostumeguywassecretlyakidnapper,andheluredthegroupawaytoabductthem!”

Versiontwo:

“WhenIwasinMexico,Idecidedtogotoaclubwithsomefriends.Iwasdancing,andthenIlookedupandIsawaguyinabearcostume!Hestartedacongaline,andabunchofpeoplejoinedupandcongaedrightoffthedancefloorwithhim,intoanotherroom.Ineversawanyofthemagain,andtothisdayIwonderifthebearcostumeguywassecretlyakidnapperwholuredthedancersawaytoabductthem.”

Mostlikely,youlikedversiontwobetter.Why?Becauseitgottothepunchline–thedancingkidnapperbear–muchfaster!Allofthedetailsaboutmeetingatthefriend’shouse,theCheetos,etc.werealltrue–buttheywereirrelevant.

Thepointwastogettothepunchline,soanydetailsthatdidnotsupportthatpunchlineshouldberemoved.Inthefirststory,bythetimeIactuallygottothepunchline,youwereprobablyskimmingandwondering“What’sthepoint?”Sowhenthepunchlineactuallyarrived,youwerenotveryinvestedinmystory,andyoudidn’tfinditveryfunny.

Ifyoudothisright,yourconclusionwillfeelverysatisfyingtoyouraudiencebecauseeverythinginthestorywasbuildingtothatconclusion.Notonlydoyoumaintaintheirinterestasyou’retellingthestory,butyoualsocreatethepossibilityforareallypowerfulconclusion.

ChoosetheRightTimeAgreatstoryatthewrongtimeisaterriblestory.Ifyoudon’tbelieveme,trytellingafunnystoryinthemiddleofafuneral.

Howdoyouknowthatit’stherighttimetotellthestory?There’snoperfectrule(it’smoreofanartthanascience),buthereareafewthingstolookfor:

Don’tinterruptanotherperson’sstory.

Peoplewilloftenintroducetheirstorieswithashortstatementtogetyourinterest.Youaresupposedtoaskaquestioninresponsetothisopeningstatementtolaunchtheirstory.Youarenotsupposedtotellastoryofyourown.

Forinstance,ifyourfriendsays,“SotheotherdayIwenttothemovietheater,”heprobablywantsyoutoaskhimabouthistriptothemovietheater.Hedoesnotwantyoutojumpinandsay,“Ohyeah,Iwasjusttherelastweek!Isawthecoolestmovie;letmetellyouallaboutit…

Avoidinterruptingtheirstorybeforeitreachesthe“punchline.”

Ifitdoesn’tseemlikethestoryisfinished,waitbeforeyoujumpinwithastoryofyourown.Instead,askquestionstoshowinterestintheotherperson’sstory.

Makesureyourstoryfitsthemoodoftheconversation.

Ifpeoplearesharinglight,funnystories,andyoushareachillingghoststory,you’llbringdownthemood.Conversely,ifpeoplearesomberlydiscussingarecenttragedy,it’snotthetimetotellthestoryofyourzanyUncleBob.

Trytomakeyourstoryrelatetosomethingintheconversation.

Ifeveryoneistellingtravelstories,tellatravelstory.Ifeveryoneistellingfunnystories,sharesomethinghumorous.Theconnectiondoesn’tneedtobeverystrong,butotherpeopleshouldbeabletotellhowyourstoryisconnectedtothepreviousconversation.

Makesureyouraudiencehasthenecessarycontexttounderstandthestory.

IfItellastoryaboutmyfriendGregtoanaudiencethatknowsGreg,theywillprobablyappreciatethestory.ButiftheaudiencehasneverheardofGreg,thenImightwanttochooseanotherstorytotell(oratleast,makesureIbeginthestorybygivingalittlebackgroundonGreg.)

Observetherestofthegrouptoseewhenotherssharestories.

Observingothersisagreatoption,especiallyifyoufeelveryuncomfortableaboutsharing.Ifyouspendalittletimenoticingwhenothersharestories,youwilldevelopanintuitionforwhenit’sappropriatetoshareyourownstory.Don’tstayonthesidelinesforever,butit’sokaytowaitandobservesometimesifneeded.

Show;Don’tTell“Show;don’ttell”isthecardinalruleofwriting,andit’struefortellingstoriestoo.

Tellingiswhenyousaysomethinglike,“Andthen,hedidthefunniestdance–itwassohilarious.”It’stellingbecauseIcan’timaginewhatyou’redescribing,soyourwordsdon’tinspireanemotionalresponseinme.Youtoldmethedancewasfunny,butitdoesn’tfeelfunnytomeasthelistener.

Butifyousaysomethinglike,“Andthenhewavedhishandsabovehisheads,andgavetheseshort,stiffjumpslikehewaspopcornbeingpopped,”nowyou’reshowing–andthatmeansthatI’mmuchmorelikelytobeabletotapintothehumorofwhatyou’redescribing.Icanimaginethesceneinmyheadandthatimaginedsceneisalmostasfunnyasbeingthereinperson.

Inotherwords,showingiswhenyougivemeeverythingIneedtoimaginethescene.

Unfortunately,thiscreatesaproblem.Showingtakestime,andifyoushoweverylittlethingthathappensinyourstory,thestorywillquicklygetlong-winded.Sowhat’sthesolution?

Simple.Showonlythescenesordetailsthatmattertoyourstory.

Ifyouaretellingthestoryofhowyousurvivedasharkattack,youdon’tneedto“show”how

relaxingthewaterwasbeforethesharkattacked–butyouhadbettershowhowyoudramaticallyfoughtofftheshark!

Also,makesureyoudon’trepeatdetails.Ifyou’retellingthestoryabouthowyoutalkedwithasupercutegirl,it’snaturaltomentionhowgoodshelookedoverandover–butit’snotinterestingforyouraudience.Youraudiencewillbetemptedtotuneyououtunlessyoukeepservingtheminterestingnewdetails.

Thebottomline:shareadetailonce(twice,tops)andthenmoveontosomethingnew.Ifyourepeatdetails,you’lleasilystrayfromshowingintotelling.

UseVividDetails,NotLotsofFactsIfyou’reawitnesstalkingtothepolice,thenit’sgreatforyoutoofferfactsoneverythingthatyouremember.

Ifyou’retellingastory,notsomuch.Addingtoomanydetailsanddescriptionsisasurefirewaytoboreyouraudience.

However,youstillneedtoaddsomedetails(withoutdetailsHamletendsuplikethis)Sohowdoyouaddenoughdetailstokeepthestoryinteresting,withoutoverloadingyouraudience?Theansweristousevividdetails.Vividdetailsstandoutinyourlisteners’mindsandreallyhelpyouraudienceimaginethescene.

Whatmakesadetailvivid?Afewthings:

Vividdetailsaresurprising.

IfItellyouthatalawyerincourtiswearingasuit,that’snotsurprising–sincemostpeopleincourtwearsuits.However,ifsomeonegoestothebeachwearingasuit,nowthatdetailbecomesvividandinteresting.

Vividdetailsrelatetothestory.

IfI’mtellingyouastoryaboutspillingasodaonmydateinthemovietheater,Idon’treallyneedtogivedetailsaboutthemovieitself–sincethestoryisaboutmyembarrassingspill,notthemovie.

Vividdetailshelpthereaderimaginethescene.

Ifyoutellmethetrainwas“veryfast”Ican’treallyimaginethat.Ifyoutellme,“Thetrainwasgoingsofasteverythingoutsidewasablur,”nowyou’vegivenmesomethingtoimagine.

Vividdetailsareimportant.

IfI’mtellingastoryaboutmeetingthepresident,itdoesn’treallymatterwhatcolortiethepresidentwaswearing–sincetheimportantthingisthemeeting,notthetie!However,ifyoumetthepresidentandyouhappenedtobewearingtheexactsametieashimthatwouldperhapsbeanimportantdetail.

Also,remembertheearlierrule:makesureeverythingsupportsthe“point”ofthestory.Ifyourdetaildoesn’tsupportthepointofthestory,itprobablydoesn’tneedtobeincluded.

PracticeRelatedSkillsOfcourse,thebestwaytopracticestorytellingistotellstoriesinconversation.

Butthereareothergreatwaysthatyoucanbuildyourstorytellingskills.

Improvtheaterisagreatoption.Improvtheatercanhelpyouimproveallkindsofsocialskills,butit’sespeciallygreatforstorytellingbecauseitforcesyoutotrustyourinstinct,anditgivesyouagreatperceptionforwhatmakesagoodstory.Ifyouliveinamajorcity,thereisprobablyanimprovtheaterclassnearyou(andevenifyou’reinasmalltown,it’sworthchecking.)

Toastmastersisanothergoodoption.AlthoughToastmastersfocusesonpublicspeaking,notstorytelling,mostgoodspeecheshaveafewstoriesinthem.DoafewmonthsofToastmasters,andyou’llfeelmuchmorecomfortablehavinganaudience’sattention,andyourstorytellingskillswillsharpenaswell.

Finally,trywritingstories!Findsomewebsitesthatofferwritingprompts,andtrytowritethem.Agoodruleofthumbistotrytowrite“flashfiction”,whichisastorythathas500wordsorless.

Writingastoryin500wordsorlessisgreatpracticeforconversationalstorytelling,sincemostofyourstoriesthatyoutellinconversationwon’tbelongerthan500words.Althoughflashfictionhas“fiction”inthename,youdon’tneedtowritemade-upstories—it’sfinetopracticebywritingdownstoriesfromyourlife.

Gotwriter’sblock?Thisisagreatlistofflashfictionprompts,andyoucaneasilyGoogleformore.

Asyouwrite,don’tworrytoomuchaboutgoodwriting–worryaboutgoodstorytelling.(Youmayevenwanttogiveyourselfatimelimitforeachstorysoyoupracticetellingthestory,noteditingit.)There’snoneedtotryforsymbolismorfancywordplay–instead,justwriteastorythatpeoplewouldwanttoread.

BuildingConnections

TellPersonalStories,butCautiouslyThere’snothingwrongwithtellingastoryaboutcrazyUncleJimorthekindoldladywholivesdownthestreet.

Butwhenyoutellstoriesaboutotherpeople,thepotentialforconnectionislimited.It’sonlywhenyoutellapersonalstoryaboutyourownlifethatyoucreatethegreatestopportunitytoconnectwithothers.

Sotellstoriesaboutyourownlife!Theydon’thavetobedramaticormonumental.Youraudiencemightenjoyhearingaboutthegamesyouplayedwithyourchildhoodfriends,orthedramateamyouwereonincollege,orthenewballetclassesyoujuststartedtaking.IfyourstoryisaboutsomethingthatisimportanttoYOU,there’sadecentchanceitwillbeinterestingtoyouraudience.Plus,storiesfromyourlifeallowyouraudiencetolearnsomethingnewaboutyou,whichbuildsconnection.

Also,youhavemanymorememoriestodrawonwhenyoutellastoryfromyourlife.Ifyou’retellingasecondhandstoryyouheardfromsomeoneelse,youprobablydon’tremembermanydetails,anditwillbemuchhardertomakethestoryinteresting.Butifyourstoryisaboutsomethingthathappenedtoyou,thenyoucandrawfromyourmemorybankstofillthestorywithrichnessandinterestingdetail.

Thatbeingsaid,youneedtobecarefulabouthowmuchyoushare.Connectionneedstobuildovertime.Ifyoujumprighttoaveryintimatestorybeforeconnectionhashadthetimetobuild,itcanmakeyouraudienceuncomfortable.

Forinstance,let’ssayyourecentlyhadafamilymemberpassawayfromcancerandyouwentthroughaperiodofdepression.Ifyousharethestoryoftheirillnessandyourdepressionwithacasualacquaintance,theymightfeeluncomfortablebecauseyou’vesharedsomethingverypersonalwithsomeoneyoudidn’tknowverywell.Conversely,itwouldbefinetosharethatstorywithagroupofclosefriendsbecausetheydoknowyouwell.

Ofcourse,youdon’thavetowaituntilsomeoneisyourbestfriendbeforesharingpersonalstorieswiththem.Butbeextracarefulwithpeopleyoudon’tknowaswell.

Startbysharingasemi-personalstoryandseehowtheyreact.Iftheyreactpositively,thendowntheroadyoucouldsharestoriesthataremorepersonal.Iftheybecomeuncomfortable,thenyoucanavoidsharingpersonalstorieswiththatperson(atleastuntilyougettoknowthembetter.)

ShareFirsthandThoughtsandFeelingsWhenyoutellastoryaboutsomethingthathappenedtoyou,don’tjustsaywhathappened.Talkabouthowyoufeltandwhatyouwerethinking.

Inotherwords,don’tlimityourstorytofactsthatanoutsideobserverwouldhavenoticed.Instead,giveyouraudienceawindowinsideyourheadbysharingyourthoughtsandfeelings.Thiswillhelpyouraudiencetoexperiencethestoryasyoudid,buildingconnection.

Here’sanexample.

Bad:

“IstoodupinfrontoftheclasstogiveapresentationontheWarof1812.Ihadn’tpreparedatallforthepresentation,andIdidn’tknowanythingabouttheWarof1812.Justthen,theschoolpranksterpulledthefirealarmandweallleftclass.”

Good:

“IstoodupinfrontoftheclasstogiveapresentationontheWarof1812.IwasincrediblynervousbecauseIhadn’tpreparedatallforthepresentation.IrememberfeelingsoqueasyIwonderedifIwouldthrowup–andthenIrememberthinking,“Itwouldbebettertothrowupthentofailthispresentation!”IrackedmybrainforanythingIknewabouttheWarof1812,whenIheardthefirealarmring.ThisfeelingofabsoluteblisswelledupinsidemeasIlefttheclass,andIrememberhavingthebiggestsmileonmyfacefortherestoftheday.”

Bothstoriesareaboutthesameevents,butonestoryisratherbland,whereastheotherstoryletsyougettoknowthenarratoralittlebit.Whenyoutellyourstories,giveyouraudienceawindowinsideyourhead,andthey’llfeelmoreconnectedtoyou.

ASatisfyingConclusion

StopWhenyouReachtheEndTheeasiestwaytotellabadstoryistotellagoodstory,andthenkeepgoingafteryoushouldhavestopped.

Onceyourstoryreachestheclimax–thepunchlineofafunnystory,thecreativesolutioninastoryaboutsolvingaproblem,themomentofgreatestemotionalimpactinatouchingstory–youshouldtrytobringittoanendingasquicklyaspossible.Inotherwords,whenyoureachtheend,stop!

Obviously,youdon’tneedtoendthestoryabruptlyassoonasyousaytheclimax–it’sokaytohavealittleresolution.Butyournaturaltemptationifyou’vetoldagoodstoryistokeeptalking,becauseeveryonewillbepayingattentiontoyouandattentionfeelsgood.Resistthattemptation.

Whenthestoryisdone,stoptalking.Don’tgiveminordetails,orsummarizethestory.Andforgoodnesssake,don’tlaunchimmediatelyintoanotherstory–givesomeoneelsethefloor.

Good:

“…Andwhenhegotbackfromthehospital,hefoundthattheentireofficehadcometogethertoraisemoneytopayforhistreatment.”

Bad:

“…Andwhenhegotbackfromthehospital,hefoundthattheentireofficehadcometogethertoraisemoneytopayforhistreatment.Itwassuchatouchingandheartwarmingmoment.Theofficereallysupportedhiminthatmoment,andhefeltlikeeverythingwasgoingtobeokay.Imean,canyoubelievehowgeneroustheofficewastopayforhistreatment?”

ReallyBad:

“…Andwhenhegotbackfromthehospital,hefoundthattheentireofficehadcometogethertoraisemoneytopayforhistreatment.Itwassuchatouchingandheartwarmingmoment.Theofficereallysupportedhiminthatmoment,andhefeltlikeeverythingwasgoingtobeokay.Imean,canyoubelievehowgeneroustheofficewastopayforhistreatment?Andbytheway,thatremindsmeofanotherstory…”

Insomecases,yourstorymightnothaveaclimax.Perhapsyou’retellingastoryaboutwhatyoudidonyourvacationtoEurope,andwhileyouhavemanyinterestingmemoriestoshare,there’snotasinglememorythatworksasthe“climax.”

Inthatcase,justwrapupyourstoryinadeliberateway.Thatwillsignaltoeveryonethatyouaredonespeaking.Forinstance,youmightconcludeastoryaboutyourEuropeanvacationby

saying.“Gosh,it’soverwhelminghowmanymemorieswehavefromthattrip.Eventhoughweenjoyedit,I’mdefinitelyhappytobehomeandsleepinginmyownbedagain.”

Youraudienceisnotexpectingyourwrap-uptobebrilliantorcompelling.Aslongasyourstoryfinishesinadeliberatewayinsteadofjusttrailingoff,youshouldbefine.

PasstheSpotlightOkay,you’vejusttoldyourstory,anditwentgreat.Youraudiencewasinterestedthewholetime,andyougavethemagreatconclusion.Timetotellanotherstory,right?

Wrong.

Storytellingworksbestwheneveryonegetsaturn.Groupsgetaparticularkindofenergywhengreatstorytellingishappening–eachpersonbuildsoffthepersonbeforethem,andthestoryItoldinspiresthestoryyouareabouttotell.It’sagreatexperiencethatismuchhardertoachievewhenjustonepersonistellingthestories.

Sobegracious.Passtheattentiontosomeoneelse.Thismightbesubtle–justpausingforafewsecondstoletsomeoneelsejumpin.Orthismightbemoredirect–perhapsyouaskthegroup,“Doesanyoneelsehaveanychildhoodstoriestoshare?”

Youmighteveninvitesomeonedirectlytoshareastory.Forinstance:“Jose,didn’tyougotoDisneylandlastweek?Wanttosharesomestoriesfromthattrip?”

Invitingsomeonedirectlyisespeciallyusefulformakingothersfeelincluded,andforhelpingshyermembersofthegroupgetachancetoshare.

Ofcourse,you’renotlimitedtoonestoryperconversation.Justletoneortwootherssharebeforeyoutellanotherstory.Therestofthegroupwillappreciatetheopportunitytoshare,andthegroupconversationwillbemoresatisfyingforeveryone.

ApplicationandPracticeIfyouwanttobeagoodstorytellerinconversation,youneedtoholdyouraudience’sinterest,provideyouraudiencewithasatisfyingconclusion,andlookforopportunitiestoconnectwithyouraudience.

Youalsoneedtopractice.Thebestplacetostartpracticingisbywritingstoriesdown.Thatway,youcanpracticeinprivate,andyoucanalsoreadthroughyourstoriesafterwardstocritiqueyourself.(Youcanalsorecordyourselfspeakingandlistentotherecordings.)

Whenpracticingastory,don’tworryaboutgettingitperfect.Eachstoryshouldonlytakeyou1-3minutestotell,soavoidspendingatonoftimeoneachstory.Andsinceyou’repracticingyourstorytellingtechnique,notyourwritingtechnique,don’tworryaboutthingslikespellingor

wordchoice.

Thesearesomeideastogetyoustarted.Doyourbesttowriteastoryforeachoftheseexperiences.Onceyou’vewrittenabouteachoneoftheseideas,trytocomeupwithyourownideasforstoriesyoucantell!

Tellastoryabout…

Achildhoodmemory

Learninganewskill

Atimeyoufeltreallyhappy

Afunnymistakeyoumade

Yourfirstdayatanewjob

Discoveringanewhobby

Atimewhenyouwerereallyproudofyourself

Onceyou’vepracticedwritingstoriesdownandyoufeelconfident,it’stimetopracticetellingstoriesinconversation.Wheninconversation,lookforanopportunitytosharearelevantstory.Tostartwith,trytoshareshort(30secondsorless)stories.Asyouhavesuccesswithshorterstories,trylongerstories.

Ofcourse,thisrequiresconsistency.Ifyoupracticestorytellingonceamonth,you’reunlikelytogetbetter.Sobedeliberatetobuildinseveralopportunitiestopracticeeachweek.

Overtime,you’llfindyourstorytellingskillgetsbetterandbetter.Keeppracticing,andyou’llbeastorytellingexpertbeforeyouknowit!

Chapter11:BestBlogPostsBetterEveryDay

Somyworkjustunveiledanewslogan:“BetterEveryDay.”

Normally,companyslogansareprettybland.Butthere’sapowerfulideahere.

Greatnessdoesn’thappenovernight.Mostthingsworthdoingtakepersistenceandhardwork.

Butoften,welookforaquickfixandfastresults.Whenweputinsomeeffortanddon’tseeimmediateimprovement,it’seasytogiveuporsay,“I’lltakeabreakandcomebacklater.”

Or,welookattheendgoalcomparedtowherewearenow,andthedistancebetweenthemjustseemsunmanageable.Wethink,“I’llneverbeabletogettherefromhere,”sowenevereventry.

Buthere’sthething.

Ifyou’re1%bettereveryday,youare38timesbettereveryyear.

And1%bettereverydayisdoable.Itmeanshavingoneconversationthatyoumighthaveshiedawayfrom,oracceptingonesocialinvitationyoumighthavedeclined.Itmeansspendingtenminutesreadingthroughasocialskillsguideinsteadofahumorsite.Itmeansdecidingtoaskafriendorfamilymemberforhelp,orpickupthephoneandschedulethatcounselingappointment.

Committobeingbettereveryday.

Youwon’tseeimprovementimmediately,butitwillcome.Andwhenitdoes,itwillbeexceptional.

Howcanyoubebettertoday?

Giveit100

Socialskillsarelikeanyotherskill—ifyoupractice,yougetbetter.

Butinordertopractice,youhavetostart,andyouhavetokeepgoing.Andbothofthosethingsareveryhard.It’sreallyeasytowaittostartuntilyou’retotally“ready”(whichwillbenever),orburnyourselfoutbypursuinganewgoalinanunsustainableway.

Soinstead,Iwanttoshowyouabetterway.

There’sawebsitecalledGiveit100.Thebasicideaisthatyoupracticesomethingfor100daysinarow,andyoufilma10secondclipofyoudoingiteverydaysoyoucanseehowyouimprove.Youcanalsoseewhatotherusersaredoing,whichissometimesincredibleandsometimesadorable.

Unfortunately,socialskillsdon’treallylendthemselveswellto10secondclips(infact,agreatsocialskillstip:don’trandomlystartfilmingthepeopleyou’retalkingto.)SoinsteadIwanttogiveyouadifferent“Giveit100″challenge.Areyouready?Hereitis:

Dosomethingthatpracticesyoursocialskillsfortenminutes,tendaysinarow.

Forinstance,youcould

Spendtenminutesreadingaguidetosocialskills

SpendtenminuteswatchingTVwiththevolumeofftoanalyzebodylanguage

Spendtenminutesresearchingtherapists—andthenbookinganappointmentwhenyoufindone!

Spendtenminutestalkingtosomeoneyouotherwisewouldn’thave.

Attheendoftendays,you’llhavespent100minutesimprovingyoursocialskills.Thisdoesn’tsoundlikealot,butit’saboutmomentum.

Iguaranteethatifyou“giveit100″youwillseeanimprovementinyoursocialskillsandyourconfidence–evenifit’sverysmall(whichisok,becauseeverygoodthingstartssmall.)

Onceyouseethatimprovement,itwillbemucheasierforyoutokeepimproving,anddoanother100,andthenanother100—untilyoulookbackandyoufindthatyourfirst100minutesofimprovementhasbecome100hours.

Sotosummarize:

Committospending10minutesoverthenext10daystopracticeyoursocialskills.Ifpossible,starttoday—oratthelatest,tomorrow.

Onceyou’ve“givenit100″,noticetheimprovement(evenifit’ssmall!)inyoursocialskillsandconfidence

Then,keepgoing!Giveitanother100,ormaybeanother1000!

Andcomebackandpostyourstoryonthewebsitetoencourageothers.

FightBack

Lifeisreallyhardsometimes.

Therearetimeswhenalloftheencouragementintheworlddoesn’tseemtohelp,timeswhenitfeelsliketheonlyemotionsavailablearerageorgriefornumbness,timeswhenstartinganotherdayfeelslikegettingintheringwithMohammedAli.

Maybethat’syourstorytoday.

Maybethat’sbeenyourstoryforalongtime.

Ifthat’syou,Iwantyoutoknowthatitwillgetbetter.Youwillnotalwayssuffer.Youwillfindhealingandyouwillfindpeoplewhowillloveyouverymuchandyouwillhavemomentswhenlifewillbesogoodthatyourheartwillfeellikedancingrightoutofyourchest.Youarenotamistake.Youarenotalostcause.Itisgoodthatyouarealiveandonedayyouwillbelievethat.

ButIalsowanttorecognizethatthingsmightnotgetbetterrightaway.AndIknowthatwhenpeopletellme,“Thiswillbebettersomeday,butyoujustneedtowait,”Idon’tfindtheirwordsveryhelpful.

SoIwanttogiveyoumorethanjustwaiting.

Iwanttogiveyouthechancetofightback.

Intheoldendays,peoplewrotelegendsofbattleswithmonsters–dragonsandhydrasandsphinxes.Todaywestillhavemonsters;theyjusthavenameslikedepressionandlonelinessandaddiction.Maybeyouarelockedinyourownhardfightwithoneofthesemonsters,andmaybethatfightisgoingtotakesometimetowin.

Butyourownfightwillhelpyoufightforothers.

ViktorFrankl,asurvivorofNaziconcentrationcamps,said,“Insomewayssufferingceasestobesufferingatthemomentitfindsameaning,suchasthemeaningofasacrifice.”Hefoundthatpeoplewhofixatedonescapingthecampstendedtofallillanddiemoreeasily.

Butthepeoplewhocreatedameaningforthemselvesinthecamp–throughtendingtootherprisoners,creatingart,orsimplymaintainingtheirdignityinthefaceofincrediblesuffering–weremorelikelytosurviveandevenfindmomentsofjoy.Franklsaid,“Thosewhohavea‘why’tolivecanbearalmostany‘how.’”

Ifyou’veforgottenyour‘why’,Iwantyoutofindit.Iwantyoutorememberthatyoumatterverymuch,anditisverygoodthatyouarealiveandthatyourlifehasmeaning.

AndIwantyoutoknowthatyoursufferingcanhavemeaning,ifyouletit.

Forme,mysufferingtaughtmehowtoloveotherpeoplebetter.Mychildhoodofsocial

rejectiontaughtmetoreachouttoothersontheoutskirts–andeventuallytowriteasocialskillsguidethathelpsreadersfindcommunity.Foroneofmyfriends,survivingabuseledherintoacareerwhereshecouldhelpprotectothers.Anotherfriendfillsherwritingwiththehealingwisdomthatshelearnedfromherpain.

Foryou,maybeyoursufferingwillequipyoutoreachouttootherswhoaresufferinginasimilarway.Maybeyouwillcreateartormusicorwritingthatisbeautifulandlife-giving,becauseyoursufferinghastaughtyouhowtotouchthedeepplacesinaperson’ssoul.Maybesomeonewillstayalivebecauseyoucansitwiththemandsay,“Iknowwhatyou’regoingthrough.”

HenriNouwenoncewrote,“Thegreatillusionofleadershipistothinkthatmancanbeledoutofthedesertbysomeonewhohasneverbeenthere.”

Maybetodayyouareinadesert,anditfeelslikethesandwillneverend.Youdon’tdeservethat,andIdon’tknowwhysometimesittakessolongforthingstogetbetter.

ButIdoknowthatevenifyoucan’tleaveyourdesertyet,youcanbeanoasistosomeoneintheirowndesert.Iknowthatyourwordsandyourloveandyourpresencehavethepotentialtohealandtobringjoytoothers.AndIhopethatwhenyouseeyourpowertobringlightintothelifeofothers,somelightwillenteryourlifetoo.

I’mnotsayingthatyoushouldtakecareofothersinsteadoftakingcareofyourself.ButIamsayingthatyoursufferingisnotmeaningless,justasyourlifeisnotmeaningless.Yoursufferingwillteachyoutolovebetter,tocreateartthatistruerandmorebeautiful,tobeanagentofhealingandlightforpeoplewhoaredesperateforboth.

Forwandererslostinathirstydesert,youwillprovidereliefandencouragement.

Forwearywarriorslockedinbattlewithafiercemonster,youwillbeastalwartcomrade-in-arms.

Andasyoufightforothers,youwillfindthatyouareworthfightingfor,too.

TakeCareofYourselfandOthers

Wouldyouclimbamountainwithabackpackfullofrocks?

Youwouldprobablystopandremovetherocksfirst—evenifthismeansyoudon’tstartyourclimbrightaway.Or,ifyoucouldn’tremovetherocks,youwouldstillunderstandthatyoudon’tneedtoclimbasfastassomeonewhoisn’tweigheddown.

Forsomereason,wedon’tapplythissamelogictoself-improvement.

Wemightbeweigheddownbysocialanxiety,orpasttrauma,oranemptybankaccount,orproblemswithphysicalormentalhealth,orbyaschedulethatisjampackedwithcommitments—therocksthatwecarrycanlookverydifferent.

Butourresponsetothemisunfortunatelyverysimilar.Eitherwetrytoignorethemandpushourselvestowardsincrediblyambitiousgoals(andthenpaythecostinburnoutandshamewhenourburdensblockusfromthosegoals),orwegiveupandsay,“Ican’teventrytoclimbthismountain—myrocksaretooheavy.”

I’dliketoproposeadifferentway.

Insteadofsurrenderingtoourburdensortryingtoignorethem,let’strytotakecareofourselves.

Maybethatmeansspendingmoretimedoingthethingsthatyoulove,evenifitfeelslikeawasteoftime.

Maybethatmeansreachingouttoacounselororafriendandlettingthemknowyou’restruggling.

Maybethatmeanssaying,“No,”tosomethingsinyourlife.

Maybeitjustmeansgivingyourselfpermissiontonotbeokallthetime.

Don’tgetmewrong—I’mallaboutself-improvement.Butsometimesyouneedtotakecareofyourselfbeforeyoucanimproveyourself.

Somychallengeforyouissimple.Figureouthowyoucouldtakethefirststeptowardsremovingsomerocks—oratleasttowardsacceptingyourself,rocksandall—andthengodoit.

TheCaseforSmallTalk

Lotsofpeopletellme,“Ihatesmalltalk.”

Andintruth,smalltalkcanbetiresomesometimes.Whenyou’rediscussingatopicyoudon’tcareabout,it’snaturaltogetbored.

Smalltalkcanbedoublyfrustratingwhenyou’vecravingdeepinteractions.Afteryou’veexperiencedtrueheart-to-heartconversation,howcanyougobacktodiscussingtheweather?

It’sunderstandabletofeellikesmalltalkisawasteoftime–the“busywork”ofsocialinteraction.

Understandable–butwrong.

Smalltalkhashugepotentialtohelpyouconnectwithothers.Let’slookatthethreereasonswhy:

1)SmallTalkPreparesYouforConnection

Justlikestretchinghelpsprepareyourmusclesforexercise,smalltalkhelpspreparepeopleforintimacy.

Whenyoumakesmalltalkwithsomeone,yougivethemtheopportunitytogetusedtoyouandtosettleintotheconversation.

Moreover,peopleexpectdeeperconversationstobeprecededbysmalltalk.Evenifyouarecomfortableskippingstraighttothe“meat”oftheconversation,itwillthrowothersforaloop.It’skindoflikeshakinghandswhenyoumeetsomeone–ifyoudon’tdoitwhentheyexpectit,itcomesacrossasweird.

2)SmallTalkCommunicatesInterest.

Withsmalltalk,whatyoucommunicateismoreimportantthanwhatyousay.

Ifyousaysomethinginsignificantlike,“Whatdoyouthinkoftheweather?”youarecommunicatingthatyouwanttohearmythoughts.Whenyoucrackalamejoke,youarecommunicatingthatyouwanttomakemelaugh.Allofthesethingscommunicatethatyoulikemeandyouwanttogettoknowmebetter.

Thisisimportantbecauseitpavesthewayfordeeperinteraction.Deeperinteractioninvolvesrisk.IfIsharemypersonalbeliefswithyou,Iriskyoustartinganargumentwithme.IfIshareapersonalstruggle,Iriskyourespondingwithcruelcallousness.SoIneedtoknowit’ssafebeforeIgodeeper.

Whenyoucommunicateinterest,youcommunicatesafety.Youcommunicate,“Icareaboutwhatyouhavetosay,andI’mopentoyousharingit.”Obviously,thisisn’taperfectguarantee–sometimespeoplewillbeverypleasantinsmalltalkandstillrespondpoorlywhentheconversationgoesdeeper.Butingeneral,whenyoushowinterestduringsmalltalk,youhelppeoplefeelcomfortablegoingdeeperwithyou.

3)SmallTalkEstablishesCommonGround

Smalltalkletsyoudiscoverwhatyouhaveincommon.

Youcanfindthetopicsthatgetbothofyouexcited,thepartsofyourstoriesthatyou’reeagertoshare.Thiswillnaturallyleadtheconversationintopathsthataremoreintimateandmeaningful.

Notonlydoesthisgiveyoufuelformoreconversation,butitalsohelpsyouformbondswiththeotherperson.Whenyoudiscovercommonground,youstarttoimaginelifethroughtheotherperson’seyes.AsDonaldMillersays,smalltalkletsusask,“Whatdowehaveincommon,soIcanunderstandyouthroughthelensofmyownexperience?”

Whiledeepheart-to-heartconversationsareveryintimate,smalltalkcanbeintimatetoo.Heartfeltfriendshipswillbegintoformevenbeforethefirstdeepconversation–becausesmalltalkallowedthefriendstodiscoverhowmuchtheyresonatewitheachother.

TheValueofSmallTalkIfsmalltalkfeelslikebusywork,you’remissingthebigpicture.

Insteadoftreatingsmalltalklikeachoreyouhavetogetthrough,makesmalltalkanopportunitytomakeaconnection.Whenyoubeginsmalltalk,askyourself:

HowcanIhelptheotherpersonfeelcomfortable?

HowcanIcommunicateinterestandfriendliness?

HowcanIdiscovercommonground?

Letthesequestionsguideyou,andyou’llfindbigvalueinsmalltalk.

3HobbiesthatTeachSocialSkills

Socialskillsimprovewithpractice.Themoretimeyouspendinteractingwithothers,thebetteryoubecomeatsocialinteraction.(Makessense,right?)

Unfortunately,findingtheopportunitytopracticecanbedifficult.Ifyouwanttobeabetterrunner,youcanlaceonyourshoesandrunaroundtheblock,butifyouwanttogetbetteratsocialskills,wheredoyougotopractice?

That’swhatthisarticleisallabout.Sittight,andI’lltellyouthreeofmyfavoritehobbiesthathelpedmeimprovemysocialskills–andthatcanhelpyou,too!

1)ImprovTheater

Inimprov,everythingismadeuponthespot.Noscript,noplanningaheadoftime.Youjustgooutandmakeascenefromnothing.Thescenesareoftenhilarious,sometimespoignant,andalwaysentertaining.

AsI’venotedelsewhere,improvisalotlikesocialinteraction.Andthesameprinciplesthatequipyoutofeelconfidentstridingonstageandmakingascenefromnothingwillalsohelpyoutohaveconfidenceandcompetenceinsocialsituations.

And,justlikesocialinteraction,improvisforeveryone.Youdon’thavetobenaturallyfunnyortheatrical.Improvworksbasedonafewsimpleprinciples(likeacceptingandbuildingonwhatyourpartnerbringstothescene),andanyimprovclasswillteachyoutoapplythoseprincipleslikeapro.

Inanimprovclass,youstartbydoinglotsoffungamesandexercisesthathelpyoubecomecomfortablewithusingyourimaginationandthinkingonyourfeet,andthenyoustartmakingsomesceneswithotherstudents.It’ssuperfun,andyouwilloftenmakegoodfriendswiththeotherstudents.

Improvhastaughtmetohavemoreconfidence,thinkonmyfeet,andbecomfortablewhenI’mpushedoutsidemycomfortzone.Takeamomentandsearchforimprovtheaterclassesinyourarea–thensignup!You’llbehappyyoudid.

2)PartnerDancing

Partnerdancingisagreatwaytomeetpeopleandbecomemorecomfortableinyourownskin.

I’mnottalkingaboutchoreographeddancing(althoughthatcanbefuntoo!)Instead,I’mreferringtodanceslikesalsa,swing,orballroom,whereyou’repairedupwithsomeoneandyoumakeupthedanceasyougoalong.

Muchlikeimprov,anyonecanlearnpartnerdancing.Therearetonsofbeginnersclassesdesignedforpeoplewithnoexperience,anditdoesn’ttakelongtogetthebasicsdown.Andonceyouhaveafewclassesunderyourbelt,you’llfindthatyoumovewithmoregraceand

confidenceinyoureverydaylife,whichwillhelpyoumakepositivefirstimpressions.

Plus,dancingallowsyoutomeetnewpeople.Manycitieshavesocialdancingevents,wherepeoplegotomeetotherstodancewith.Youmightdancewithadozenpeopleduringthecourseofthenight,whichmeansyougetadozenopportunitiestopracticeconversation,gettoknowsomeoneelse,andmakeanewfriend!

Bottomline:Dancingisagreatskill,it’salotoffun,anditwillhelpyousocially.Giveitatry!

3)ToastmastersPublicSpeaking

Toastmastersisapublicspeakingclubthatisactiveinover100countries.Itisaphenomenalwaytoovercomesocialanxiety,getbetteratpublicspeaking,andlearnhowtocommunicateclearlyandeffectively.IdidToastmastersandlovedit–youcanseemegivingaToastmastersspeechhere.

Youdon’tneedspeakingexperiencetojoinToastmasters–mostpeoplewhojoinhavenevergivenaspeechbefore.

Toastmastersclubsusuallymeetonceaweekandfollowasimpleformat.Everyonegetsthechancetospeakforaboutaminuteateverymeeting,bygivinganimpromptuanswertoaninterestingquestion(e.g.,“Whatwouldyoudoifyouwerepresident?”)Then,2-3peoplewillgiveapreparedspeech,aboutatopicthattheychose.Afterthat,someonewillofferconstructive,positivefeedbacktothepeoplewhogaveaspeech.

Toastmastersworkswondersonyoursocialskillsbecauseitgivesyouconsistentopportunitiestopracticeandtogetgoodfeedback.Insteadofpracticingblindly,you’llgetexpertadvicefrompeoplewhowanttohelpyousucceed.Andyou’llhavetheopportunitytopracticeeveryweek,soyouwillimprovequickly.ThereisprobablyaToastmastersclubnearyou,socheckthemout!

SocialSkillsHobbies

Thereyouhaveit–threehobbiesthatimproveyoursocialskills.

Allthreeofthesehobbieshavehelpedmeinmyownlife,andIstronglyencourageyoutogivethematry.

Arethereanyhobbiesthathavehelpedyouinyoursocialskillsjourney?Sharethemonthewebsite!

HowtobeMoreSocial

Ifyou’vecometoImproveYourSocialSkills,it’sprobablybecauseyouwanttobemoresocial.Youdon’tstudysocialskillssoyoucansitinyourroomalone–youstudythemsoyoucangooutandbesocial!

Buthowdoyouactuallymakethathappen?Andwhatdoes“beingsocial”evenmean,anyway?

Well,thefirststepistospendsometimebuildingupyoursocialskills.Ifyoutrytobesocialandthenrunintotroublebecauseyoursocialskillsneedwork,you’regoingtogetdiscouragedanditwillbehardertobesocialinthefuture.

Butlet’ssayyou’vealreadyputinthetimetostudyandpracticeyoursocialskills,andyoufeelconfident.You’vestudiedhowtomakeconversation,andyou’vebrusheduponyourbodylanguage.Youmaynotbeperfect,butyou’rereadytoputyoursocialskillstouse.

Ifthat’syou,thenbecomingmoresocialiseasy.Here’showyoudoit:

ManyRoadsToSocialSuccessFirst,realizethatthereisnoonerightwaytobesocial.

“Beingsocial”foryouwilllookdifferentthanitdoesforothers,andthat’sok.

IhaveafriendwhoplaysinadifferentDungeonsandDragonsgamealmosteverynight.Hededicatesthemajorityofhissocialtimetothesegames,butit’sasociallifethatworksforhim.Hegetstospendhourswithhisfriends,doinganactivityheenjoys.

Ihaveanotherfriendwhogoesoutdancing3-4timesperweek.Mostofhersocialtimeisdedicatedtomeetingnewpeopleonthedancefloor,andthat’sthesociallifethatworksforher.

Iprefertobouncebetweenalotofdifferentsocialactivities–mysocialcalendarisalwaysdifferentweektoweek.That’sthesociallifethatworksforme.

FindYourSocialRhythmBynow,you’verealizedmypoint.

“Beingsocial”doesn’tmeanthatyouhavetohitthebarscene,orgotoparties.

“Beingsocial”meansthatyoudiscoverwhatarich,fulfillingsociallifelookslikeforyou,andthenlivethatout.

Ifyouneedalongtimetorestbetweensocialengagements,beingsocialmightmeanonesocialeventperweek.Ifyouthriveoninteraction,beingsocialmightmeananeweventeachday.

Ifyoualreadyhaveasolidgroupoffriends,beingsocialmightmeanthatyouspendmostofyourtimewiththem.Or,itmightmeanthatyousplityourtimebetweenyouroldfriendsandopportunitiestomeetnewfriends.

Inanycase,itneedstobesomethingthatworksforYOU.

Your“BeSocial”BlueprintOfcourse,youmightnotknowwhatarich,fulfillingsociallifelookslikeforyou.Andthat’sok.

Likemanyotherareasoflife,beingsocialtakestimetofigureout.Butthere’saneasytwo-stepprocessthatcanhelpyouthroughit.Icallit“Ponder&GoYonder.”

First,ponderyoursocialgoalsandyourprevioussocialexperiences.

Thinkthroughwhathasworkedforyouinthepast,andwhathasbeenflawedinthepastthatyouwouldliketoimproveforthefuture.Thegoalisnottofigurethingsoutcompletely,buttodiscoverafewpossibilitiesforareaswhereyoucangrowyoursociallife.

Second,goyonder.

BythisImeantrysomethingthatisnewbutachievable.Theword“yonder”referstosomethingthatisdistantbutwithinview.Tryforthatbalanceof“distantbutwithinview”whenponderingnewwaystobemoresocial.

Inotherwords,explorenewsocialopportunitiesthatmaybeabitchallengingorscary(i.e.,“distant”)butmakesuretheyarestillachievable(i.e.,“withinview.”)

GrowingTowardsSocialSuccess“Ponder&GoYonder”isarepeatingprocess.

You’llspendsometimethinking,whichwillgiveyouanideaforsomethingnewforyoutotry.Thatnewexperiencewillgiveyoumorefuelforthought,andyourthinkingwillinturnleadtonewexperiences.

Thecyclekeepsrepeating,andeverytimeitdoes,yougrowalittleclosertoafullunderstandingofwhat“beingsocial”lookslikeforyou.

Sothere’snorush.Justcommittoaslowandsteadycyclingof“Ponder&GoYonder”andyougrowsteadilyclosertotherich,fulfillingsociallifeyoudesire.

MakingGreatFirstImpressionswiththeNameGame

Peoplelikehearingtheirnames.Whenyouusesomeone’sname,ithelpsthemtofeelcomfortable,andrememberingtheirnamemakesitmucheasierforyoutostrikeupaconversationlateron.

Unfortunately,ifyouwanttousesomeone’sname,youneedtorememberit,andrememberingnamesishard.Fortunately,rememberingnamesismucheasierwithonesimpletrick.

Icallit“Playingthenamegame.”

Toplaythenamegame,followthesethreerules.

Rule1:GettheirnameASAPWhenyoufirstmeetsomeone,gettheirnamewithinthefirstfewminutesoftheconversation.Youcaneitheraskforitdirectly,orjustintroduceyourself.Mostfolkswillgiveyoutheirnamewhenyougivethemyours.Onceyougettheirname,repeatitimmediately.Iftheysay“MynameisBob”say“It’sgreattomeetyou,Bob”not“It’sgreattomeetyou.”Theearlyrepetitionensuresthatthenamemakesitintoyourshorttermmemory.

Rule2:MaketheirnamememorableNow,it’stimetomovethenameintoyourlong-termmemory.Todothat,combinethenamewithamemorableadjective.Amemorableadjectiveiseitheranadjectivethatstartswiththesameletterasthename,orthatrhymeswiththename.Forinstance,“CoolCarl”or“DantheMan.”

Ideally,thisadjectiveshouldbesomewhatrelatedtotheperson(“BobfromBoston”isgreatifBobisactuallyfromBoston),butitdoesn’thavetobe.Anycombinationthateitherrhymesorstartswiththesameletterwilldo.Repeatthiscombinationtoyourselfafewtimestomakesureitfixesinyourmemory(butmakesureyoudon’tsayitoutloud–MustacheMikemightnotappreciatethetitleyou’vegivenhim)

Rule3:LocktheirnameinyourmemoryThen,cementthename/adjectivecombinationinyourmemorybyrepeatingitmentallyafewtimesduringtheconversation.Thisisexactlyassimpleasitsounds–justthinktoyourself,“ThatisCoolCarl,”afewtimesduringtheconversation.Youdon’thavetokeepupaconstantrepetitioninyourhead–justremindyourselfwheneveryouthinkofit.

Whenyoufollowthesethreerules,you’llfindrememberingnamesaremucheasier.Getting

theirnameimmediatelyallowsyoutofocusontheirnamebeforetheconversationtakesoffanddemandsmoreofyourattention,andrepeatingamemorablename/adjectivecombinationwillcementtheirnameinyourmindforthelongterm.

Also,onebonusrule:Ifyouforgettheirname,justmakesureyouaskagainneartheendoftheconversation.Ifindthatonceyou’vehadthechancetogettoknowsomeoneinaconversation,rememberingtheirnameismucheasier(becauseyouhavesomememoriestopinthenameto.)Soifplayingthenamegameatthebeginningoftheconversationdoesn’tworkforyou,justplayitattheend.Chancesare,theyforgotyournametoo,sothey’llappreciatethechancetoaskagain.

Inanycase,rememberingnameswillstilltakework,andyouwon’tremembereveryname.ButplaythenamegameandIguaranteethatyouhavemuchgreatersuccessrememberingnames.

Andofcourse,whenyouhavegreatersuccessrememberingnames,youhavegreatersuccessmakingagreatfirstimpressionandthenmakinggreatfriends(whichiswhatsocialskillsarefor!)

HowtoMakeEyeContact

Makinggoodeyecontactistough.

Givetoomucheyecontact,andyoucomeacrossastoointense(atbest)orastaringcreeper(atworst).

Givetoolittleeyecontact,andtheotherpersonmightthinkyoudon’tcareaboutwhattheyhavetosay.

Plus,whenyou’reworryingaboutmakinggoodeyecontact,therestoftheinteractionsuffers.Insteadofenjoyingagreatconversation,you’restressingabouteyecontact.

That’snotgoodforanyone.

TheSecretofGreatEyeContactFortunately,there’sasimpletrickthatwillhelpyoumastergreateyecontact.

Justmatchyoureyecontactwithyourpartner’s.

Iftheylookatyou,lookatthem.Iftheylookaway,lookaway.

Easy,right?

Here’swhyitworks.There’snosuchthingas“perfect”eyecontact.Yourgoalistomakeyourpartnerfeelcomfortablewithyou,whichmeansallyouneedtodoisavoidgivingtoomucheyecontactornotenough.

Differentpeoplefeelcomfortablewithdifferentlevelsofeyecontact.Butalmosteverybodywillinitiatetheamountofeyecontactthattheyfeelcomfortablewith.Thatmeansthatifyougivethemthesameamountofeyecontactthattheygiveyou,they’llprobablyfeelcomfortable.

Lookatyourpartnerwhentheylookatyou(andlookawaywhentheydon’t),andyou’llbesquarelyinsidethelevelofeyecontacttheyfeelcomfortablewith.Itreallyisthateasy.

MasteringGoodEyeContactOfcourse,thereareafewdetailstotakecareof.

Youdon’twanttomirroryourpartnerexactly,orthey’llquicklyrealizeyou’recopyingthem.It’soktoinstantlymatchtheireyecontactonoccasion,butingeneral,youshouldwaitafewsecondsbeforecopyingthem.Waitaboutonesecondbeforelookingatthem,andabouttwoorthreesecondsbeforelookingaway.

Thosenumbersarejustroughguidelines,ofcourse.Feelfreetoexperimenttofindwhatfeels

naturalforyou.Theimportantthingisthatyouavoidmovinglikeamirrorimageofyourpartner.Theexacttimingofyourpausesislessimportant.

Also,beawarethateyecontactruleschangesomewhatwhenyou’rehavinganemotionalconversation.It’ssometimeseasiertodiscussemotionalissueswhenyou’renotlookingatsomeone,sowhenpeoplearesharingsomethingverypersonaloremotional,theywillsometimeslookawayfromthepersontheyarespeakingto.

Ifthathappens,youstillneedtolookatthemtoshowthatyoucare.Ifyourgazewanders,thatcommunicatesthatyoudon’treallycareaboutwhatthey’resaying,whichisbadatanytimebutespeciallyhurtfulwhenthey’resharingsomethingemotional.

EyeContactRhythmAsyoustarttopracticematchingyourpartner’seyecontact,you’llstarttodevelopasenseofhowmucheyecontactfeels“natural.”Eventually,youwon’tevenneedtoconsciouslythinkaboutmatchingtheireyecontact–itwilljusthappenautomatically.

Ifyouwanttospeedthatprocess,there’saneasywaytogetabettersenseofthe“rhythm”ofeyecontact.Justwatchsomemoviesandpayattentiontotheeyecontactgivenbetweenthecharacters.Thatwillhelpyouseewhatkindofeyecontactmatchinglooksnatural.

Bearinmindthatdifferentsettingsleadtodifferentkindsofeyecontact.Twoflirtingloversmightmatcheyecontactshiftsinstantlyandhavemoreprolongedeyecontact,whereastwoacquaintancesmighttakeseveralsecondstomatcheachotherandlookawayoften.

Also,whenyouanalyzethemovieinteractionsyoumightnoticethatcharacterswillnotmatcheachother100%–sometimesonecharacterwilllookatanothereventhoughtheothercharacterisstilllookingaway.Thisistotallyok.

Allyouneedisasimilarlevelofeyecontact.There’snoneedtomatchtheireyecontactperfectly.Ifonoccasionyoufeellikelookingatthemeventhoughthey’renotlookingatyou,oryoufeellikelookingawaybeforetheydo,that’sfine.

Theimportantthingisthatyouare“ingeneral”matchingwhattheydo.Aslongasyou’reinthesameballparkasthem,thenyoureyecontactwillbefine.Whenyou’restartingout,you’llwanttomatchtheireyecontactverycloselytomakesurethatyoustayinthesafezone.

Butasyougainmoreexperience,you’llgetabettersenseofwhateyecontactlevelfeelsnatural.Thatwillletyouadjustyoureyecontacttowhatfeelscomfortableforbothyouandthem,notjustthem.

Theendresultisthatyouwon’thavetothinkabouteyecontactatall–you’lljustdotheeyecontactthatfeelsnaturalforbothyouandyourpartner.

Takeabitoftimetolearnthesegoodeyecontacttechniques,andyou’llfindyourselfrichlyrewardedwithmorecomfortableandenjoyableconversationsforbothyouandyourpartners.

ToSummarize:Whenyourpartnerlooksatyou,lookatthem.Whentheylookaway,lookaway

Pauseforafewsecondsbeforematchingyourpartner’seyecontact

Asyoudevelopmoreexperience,youwon’tneedtomatchyourpartner’seyecontactasexactlybecauseyoucanrelyonyourinstincts.

That’sallthereistoit!

Ofcourse,there’slotsofotherwaystomasterhowyourbodycommunicates.Ifyouwanttocontinuebuildingyoursocialskills,checkoutmysectiononbodylanguage.

OvercomingAnxiety:OneSimpleRule

Fearoftenkeepsusfromthethingswewant.

Maybewewanttogotalktothatguy,oraskthatgirlout,orgotothatparty.Butwe’reafraid.

Whatifhedoesn’twanttotalktome?

Whatifshesaysno?

WhatifIfeelawkwardattheparty?

Inthemoment,thesefearscanseemreallybig.Andwhenourfearsarebig,weplayitsafe,whichmeansweavoidthethingswereallywanttodo.

Fortunately,there’sonesimpleruleyoucanusetogiveyourselfcourage.

10-10-10It’scalledthe10-10-10rule,anditwasdevelopedbySuzyWelch,abusinesswriter.Inanutshell,the10-10-10ruleasksyoutoimaginethelikelyoutcomesofadecision…

10minutesinthefuture

10monthsinthefuture

10yearsinthefuture

It’sdevelopedforbusinessdecisions(whatwillhappenin10minutes/10months/10yearsifwe

launchthisnewproduct?)butit’sreallyusefulforsocialsituationstoo.

10-10-10forSocialSituationsWhathappenswhenyouapplythe10-10-10ruletosocialsituations?

Well,let’ssayyou’reatapartyandyouwanttostrikeupaconversationwithsomeone.Whatarethebestandworstthingsthatmightreasonablyhappen?Well….

In10minutes,bestcaseyouwillbehavingagreatconversation,worstcasetheconversationwillflopandyou’llfeelawkward.

In10months,bestcaseyouarestillfriendswiththepersonyoutalkedto,worstcaseyouhaveadimmemoryofanawkwardconversation

In10years,bestcaseyouareSTILLfriendswiththepersonyoutalkedto,andthereisnoworstcase–you’renotgoingtorememberanawkwardconversationfromapartyten

yearsago.

Long-TermCourageWhenyoulookatitthisway,thepathisclear.Youshouldstarttheconversation,becausethepotentialupside(anewfriend!)ismuchgreaterthanthepotentialdownside(10minutesofawkwardness.)

Andyou’llfindthisistrueinmanysocialsituationswhereyoufeelanxiousorscared.Whenyouusethe10-10-10ruletogiveyourselfalong-termperspective,it’smucheasiertoovercomefearandmakethebestdecision.

Ortoputitanotherway–it’shardtobeafraidof10minutesofawkwardnesswhenyou’rethinkingaboutthenext10yearsofyourlife.

Sotryitout!

Nexttimeyouareafraidoftakingtheinitiativeinasocialsituation,justaskyourself,“IfIdothis,whatisthebestandworstthingthatmightreasonablyhappenin10minutes,10months,and10years?”Thisonlytakesamoment,butitwillgiveyouacleardirectionandtheconfidencetopushpastfear.

20SecondsofInsaneCourage

Growthisscary.

Butgrowthhappensonestepatatime

Andonelittlebabystep,whilestillscary,isdoable.

InthemovieWeBoughtaZoo,MattDamon’scharactersaysthatsometimesallyouneedis“20secondsofinsanecourage.”

And20secondsofcourage,whilescary,isdoable.

20Life-ChangingSecondsIdon’tknowwhat20secondsofcouragelookslikeforyou.

Butyoudo.

Maybeit’ssaying“Yes!”tothatinvitation.Maybeit’sschedulingthatfirstappointmentwithacounselor.

Itmightevenlookliketaking20secondstospeaktruthtoyourself,andencourageyourselfnottogiveup.

Regardlessofwhatitlookslike,Iknowyouhave20secondsofinsanecourageinyou.Youhavethecouragetotakethatnextsmallsteptowardsgrowth–eventhoughit’sscary.

Somusterupyourcourage.Takeadeepbreath.

Andbeinsanely,crazy-go-nutsbravefor20seconds.

TheCourageousLifeWhenyoudo,you’llrealizetwothings.

First,that20secondsofinsanebravery,whilescary,isdoable–andit’ssomethingthatyoucandoagain.

Andsecondthat,doneoftenenough,20secondsofbraveryaddsuptoalifetimeofcourage.

Becourageous,myfriends.

AbouttheAuthor

I'mDan,andIlikepeople.

Afewthingsaboutme:

•IspokeatTEDxaboutovercomingAsperger's&findingcommunity(checkitoutathttp://bit.ly/tedxdan).I'dlovetospeakatyourevent,too.

•Imoderatethecommunityatreddit.com/r/socialskills

•I'mconstantlyupdatingImproveYourSocialSkills.com,andIencourageyouto

checkoutthelatestcontentandtellmewhatyouthink.

Youcancontactmeatdan@improveyoursocialskills.comoratdanielwendler.com