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Vol. 17 Issue 11 All Rights Reserved © 2019

A MINISTER WAS CALLED To A Local Nursing Home To

Perform A Wedding. An anxious old man met him at the

door. The pastor sat down to

counsel the old man and asked

several questions.

“Do you love her?”

The old man replied, “I guess.”

“Is she a good Christian woman?”

“I don’t know for sure,” the old

man answered.

“Does she have lots of money?”

asked the pastor.

“I doubt it.”

“Then why are you marrying her?” the preacher asked.

“She can drive at night,” the old man said

A WEALTHY LAWYER is driving down the road when he

sees two men eating grass on the side of the road. He pulls

over and asks one of the men, “Why are you eating grass?”

The man replies, “I’m too poor, it’s all we have.”

The lawyer replies, “You and your buddy can

come home with me and I’ll feed you.”

One of the men turns to the lawyer and

tells him, “Thank you so much sir, we

really needed this.”

The lawyer responds, “No problem,

the grass is almost a foot tall,

you’ll love it!”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW SLOW YOU GO, AS LONG AS YOU DON’T STOP.” – CONFUCIUS

P.U.S.H - PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS

QUICKIES

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly

because you are good is like ex-

pecting the bull not to charge be-

cause you are a vegetarian."

"I think the worst time to have a

heart attack is during a game of

charades."

I bet it was really tough being an Apostle. What if you

wanted a day off? You ring up the boss and say, "I'm sick

today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I

won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say

that again..?" I'm cured?"

I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but

when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to

check my balance she leaned over and pushed

me."

A man went to the store to buy something to

get rid of mice. He found a promising looking

bait and holding it out to the clerk he

asked, "Is this good for mice?" "No," the

clerk replied. "It'll kill 'em."

An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor:“So, I’m getting

married again next week, doc!” “Oh, that’s wonderful! And

how old is the bride?” “She’s 19.” “That’s fantastic – but I

have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be dead-

ly!” “Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just have to remarry.”

http://www.silverstartheatre.com/

YOUR THOUGHTS BECOME YOUR WORDS

LIFE ISN’T ABOUT FINDING YOURSELF, IT IS ABOUT DISCOVERING WHO GOD CREATED YOU TO BE

LENT

Lent this year started on Wednesday, March 6th and ends for-

ty days later on Saturday, April 20th, the day before Easter.

• Lent (Latin: Fortieth) is a solemn religious observance that

begins on Ash Wednesday and ends approximately six

weeks later, before Easter Sunday. The purpose of Lent is

to prepare the believer for Easter through prayer, penance,

repentance, and self-denial. Some examples of the number

forty in the Bible follow:

• In Genesis, God caused it to rain 40 days and 40 nights

• Moses spent forty years in the desert (Acts 7:30)

• In Matthew, Jesus was tempted for 40 days and 40 nights

• The book of Acts tells us that there were 40 days between

Jesus’ resurrection and ascension

Because 40 appears so often in contexts dealing with judg-

ment or testing, many scholars understand it to be the number

of “probation” or “trial.”

This number emphasizes the need for God at all times, but

especially in times of trouble and hardship.

Taking this 40 day period to give up something like

smoking, drinking, television, texting, etc. allows us

to focus on God’s presence and understand that

the things that seem dear to us shouldn’t dis-

tract us from our worship and praise of God

the Father.

http://www.barleensdinnershow.com/

EVERY FAILURE IS A STEPPING STONE TO SUCCESS

YOUR PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES DON'T DETERMINE WHERE YOU CAN GO; THEY MERELY DETERMINE WHERE YOU START - NIDO QUBEIN

“CHOOSE TO BE OPTIMISTIC, IT FEELS BETTER.” – DALAI LAMA

LIGHT TOMORROW WITH THE FIRE OF TODAY

1. GEOGRAPHY: What is the capital city of the Yukon

territory in Canada?

2. LANGUAGE: What is the ending to the proverb that

begins, "All roads lead ..."?

3. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Which country's flag is a

red circle on a white background?

4. SCIENCE: What gas with a distinctive odor is created

by a lightning strike?

5. GEOMETRY: How many sides does a decagon have?

6. COMICS: What is the full name of Batman's butler?

7. MOVIES: What was the name of Johnny Depp's char-

acter in the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie?

8. BIBLE: On what mountain did Moses receive the Ten

Commandments?

9. U.S. STATES: Which state's nickname is "The North

Star State"?

10. HISTORY: Who was the first spouse of a former

U.S. president to be elected to public office?

Answers

1. Whitehorse

2. "... to Rome."

3. Japan

4. Ozone

5. 10

6. Alfred Pennyworth

7. Capt. Jack Sparrow

8. Mount Sinai

9. Minnesota

10. Hillary Clinton

(c) 2019 King Features Synd.,

Inc.

HAPPINESS IS A BUTTERFLY, WHICH WHEN PURSUED, IS ALWAYS JUST BEYOND YOUR GRASP, BUT IF YOU SIT QUIETLY, MAY ALIGHT UPON YOU

SWAZILAND

• Swaziland is the smallest country

in Africa, slightly smaller than the

state of Massachusetts

• Swaziland is one of the world’s

last absolute monarchies. The King rules by decree.

• Road conditions in Swaziland are so hazardous that two of

the last four of its Ministers of Transport have died in road

accidents

• Once a year, 25,000 unmarried girls dance in a festival

called umhlanga. During the week long festival the girls

dance and sing before the queen mother giving the king a

chance to choose a new wife.

• Swaziland game rangers are allowed to shoot to kill any-

one suspected of poaching.

• The ‘Mlilwane’ Wildlife Sanctuary means "little fire". The

name is a reference to the frequent lightning strikes on the

nearby granite mountains that often result in small fires.

• Swaziland's Hlane Royal National Park is home to the

largest population of nesting vultures in Africa.

• People with albinism, a condition

that affects the pigments in skin, are

often hunted like animals and ritual-

ly killed in Swaziland

PRAYER IS THE BEST MEDICINE. GOD IS THE BEST DOCTOR

WHEN YOU TURN YOUR WORRY IN WORSHIP, GOD WIL TURN YOUR BATTLES INTO BLESSINGS

DON'T GO THROUGH LIFE, GROW THROUGH LIFE .

FOCUS ON THE JOURNEY, NOT THE DESTINATION

“A BIG PART OF BEING A WELL-ADJUSTED PERSON IS ACCEPTING THAT YOU CAN’T BE GOOD AT EVERYTHING.” KW BROWN

COUNT YOUR AGE BY FRIENDS, NOT YEARS

THE BEST WAY OUT IS ALWAYS THROUGH

SOMETIMES GOD WILL PUT A GOLIATH IN YOUR PATH SO YOU CAN FIND THE DAVID WITHIN YOU

* On March 20, 1345, according to scholars at

the University of Paris, the Black Death

plague is created from what they call "a

triple conjunction of Saturn, Jupiter and

Mars in the 40th degree of Aquarius."

The Black Death left an estimated 25

million dead. It's now known that bubonic

plague is carried by fleas.

* On March 19, 1842, French writer Honore de Balzac's

play "Les Ressources de Quinola" opens to an empty house.

Hoping to create a buzz for the play, Balzac had circulated a

rumor that tickets were sold out. Unfortunately, most of his

fans stayed home.

* On March 18, 1937, nearly 300 stu-

dents in Texas are killed by an explo-

sion of natural gas at their school. Of-

ficials at the New London school had

been persuaded to save money by tapping

into less stable wet-gas lines that ran near-

by. The blast was felt 40 miles away.

“THE GLOW OF ONE WARM THOUGHT IS TO ME WORTH MORE THAN MONEY.” —THOMAS JEFFERSON

* On March 21, 1952, the first

rock and roll concert in history

is held in Cleveland, hosted by

legendary disk jockey Alan

Freed. Police were over-

whelmed when an estimated

20,000-25,000 fans swarmed

the Moondog Coronation Ball,

held in an arena with a capacity

of only 10,000.

* On March 24, 1965, the first "teach-in" is conducted at the

University of Michigan as 200 faculty members hold special

anti-war seminars. This form of protest spread to many col-

leges and universities.

* On March 22, 1983, the Pentagon awards a contract worth

more than $1 billion to AM General Corp. to produce

55,000 High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicles.

Nicknamed the Humvee, the rugged vehicles were used by

the U.S. military. In 1992, a civilian version, the Hummer,

went on sale.

* On March 23, 1994, Wayne

Gretzky scores his 802nd goal, break-

ing his childhood idol Gordie Howe's

NHL record for most goals in a ca-

reer.

(c) 2019 Hearst Communica-

tions, Inc. All Rights Reserved

“I BELIEVE THAT IF ONE ALWAYS LOOKED AT THE SKIES, ONE WOULD END UP WITH WINGS.” —GUSTAVE FLAUBERT

WEIRD ANIMAL FACTS

• Nearly three percent of the ice in Antarctic glaciers is pen-

guin urine

• Thirsty? A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in a

lifetime

• Giraffes have no vocal chords

• Around 50 percent of orangutans have fractured bones,

due to falling out of trees

• Way back in 1924 a Labrador retriever was sentenced to

life without parole for killing the governor’s cat. He

served his time at Eastern State Penitentiary.

• Frogs cannot vomit. If one absolutely has to, then it will

vomit its entire stomach

• It is possible to hypnotize a frog by placing it on its back

and gently stroking its stomach

• The Chevrotain is a tiny deer with fangs.

• Only the males are called peacocks. Fe-

males are called Peahens

• There was once a type of alligator that could

gallop like a horse

• Anteaters don’t have teeth

• Penguins have excellent hearing

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YOUR DESTINY IS TO FULFILL THOSE THINGS UPON WHICH YOU FOCUS MOST INTENTLY - RALPH MARSTON

DON’T TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY THEY TREAT YOU. TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY GOD TREATS YOU

EVERY MIRACLE STARTED AS A PROBLEM

DON'T BE A VICTIM OF PENSION POACHING

There is a law currently making its way through Congress

called the Preventing Crimes Against Veterans Act. Its pur-

pose is to add another tool to the arsenal to prevent frauds

against veterans. Those convicted could be fined, imprisoned

for five years, or both.

Rep. Ted Deutch (D-Fla.) is behind this bill, focusing on what

they call pension poaching, specifically, criminals who pur-

port to help veterans get their benefits faster and who charge a

fee for services. They prowl Department of Veterans Affairs

clinics, assisted-living centers, hospitals and senior housing,

claiming they know all the ropes and can get veteran benefits

much faster -- for a fee.

These poachers seem to focus on veterans who might be eligi-

ble for Aid and Attendance benefits, which can put thousands

of dollars in a veteran's pocket each month to pay for in-home

care, assisted living and private nursing. What they want in

return is a percentage -- up front. (Yes, attorneys can charge

fees for their services, but they need to be approved by the

VA.)

While most of us would call this fraud, there apparently aren't

any laws against charging fees.

And yet some people are against making this illegal, claiming

we already have laws against fraud. The bill has come before

the last two Congresses, passing easily in the House and get-

ting stalled in the Senate. The short text of the bills hasn't

changed.

If you're invited to a seminar that promises to help you get

your benefits, don't go. Instead, contact the closest veterans

group, such as the American Legion. Ask for the Veterans

Service Officer. They won't charge you for their services.

Remember: The more cash you're likely to get in retroactive

benefits, the more of a target you're going to be to scammers

who want a piece of that money.

(c) 2019 King Features Synd., Inc.

BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE. CONCENTRATE ON WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE AND YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ENOUGH.” ~OPRAH WINFREY

BE HAPPY NOW. DON'T WAIT

DON’T WAIT. THE TIME WILL NEVER BE JUST RIGHT