interpersonal skills in teams

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Interpersonal Skills

The mind is indeed restless, Arjuna: it is indeed hard to train. But by constant practicethe mind in truth can be trained. When themind is not in harmony, this divine communion is hard to attain,but the man whose mind is in harmony attains it, if he nows, andif he strives.!

"ord #rishna, from the Bha$avad %ita

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THE FOUR INTERPERSONAL STYLES OFCOMMUNICATION

INTRODUCTION

The combination of varying degrees of disclosure and the acceptance of feedback gives us four styles for relating interpersonally. By being aware of our preferred style, we become able to improve our communication skills. It would be a mistake to seek a radical change in our customary behavior. We havedeveloped our style in response to certain personality needs. A preference for introversion or extroversion

plays a part here. owever, all of us can be more skillful in our interpersonal communication.

STYLE A: THE SMALL SQUARE

This style of communication is the result of minimal exposure and minimal feedback acceptance. !ersonswhose communication style can be charted as a very small s"uare seem to others to be going around in a

bubble. The walls between these individuals and others are kept high. These persons reveal very littleabout themselves and in addition, seem unconcerned as to peoples# relationship with them. Theseindividuals may have great and hidden depths but they are not readily apparent to others. Because these

persons reveal so little of themselves they are largely unknown to others. This may create someuneasiness or suspicion or even fear in the minds of others. If lack of disclosure is $oined to lack of acceptance of feedback these individuals may be out of step with other people. They are unaware of how

people respond to them, of what people think of them or how they are interpreted and, as a result, theymay act in ways that are out of the pattern of the group. If the s"uare is extremely small, the type of

behavior of these individuals may be very eccentric. The scholars buried in their books, the scientists with

test tubes in their ivory tower, the administrators who live in the executive suite%all of these may find thesmall s"uare a comfortable space to occupy. owever, for most people the small s"uare style of communication is a prison .

STYLE : THE HORI!ONTAL

The hori&ontal style of communication is produced by a small amount of self'disclosure and a constanteffort to get feedback from others. These individuals are very wary of letting anything be known aboutthemselves but are eager to find out what others think and feel, especially about themselves. Thehori&ontal style of communication may lead individuals to react much more fre"uently than act. Because

of the lack of self'revelation, others are unsure as to where these persons stand. This may generate fear or suspicion. The hori&ontal style communicators may find that people are distrustful of them and evenavoid them. !eople probably are not that cautious in expressing their opinions and their thoughts to thehori&ontal communicator, but since others don#t know where the "uestioner is coming from or what use isgoing to be made of information they share, they hesitate to be open. It has been found that people insupervisory roles fre"uently communicate in a hori&ontal way. (upervisors are often "uite eager to findout information but are very reluctant to communicate the background for their re"uest. )ommunicationis a two'way street. )onse"uently, if we wish to establish effective communication patterns, we not only


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must have our ears open to pick up the feedback that people give us but we also must give some of ourselves in return.

STYLE C: THE "ERTICAL

The vertical configuration, namely, a lot of disclosure and little acceptance of feedback, may be the resultof a high extroversion preference. *ertical communicators will tell +all at the drop of a hat. As a result of this, they are extremely well known to others. -re"uently, people find themselves trusting verticalcommunicators and, unless their lo"uacity is extreme, liking them. The fault that this style of communication leads to is that vertical communicators talk out of context. (ince they don#t pay enoughattention to the feedback responses of others they may fre"uently be out of touch and not know it. Thevertical communicators talk much more then they listen.

STYLE D: THE LAR#E SQUARE

-rom the viewpoint of sheer communication, the large s"uare that is created by ample self'disclosure and ample acceptance of feedback is the ideal. These communicators do not hesitate toreveal thoughts and feelings when appropriate and they are aware of the responses of others.While we say that from the viewpoint of the art of communication this is ideal, namely, a balance

between disclosure and acceptance of feedback, it may not be ideal for all people. We come back to the thought we previously expressed, namely, that our own style is probably a response to theneeds of our personality structure. et, it would seem reasonable that in situations when we arecalled upon to communicate freely with others that there should be a balance between our self'disclosure and our acceptance of feedback.

$%at t%e &o%ari $in'o( e)er*ise 'oes is +i,e -s an in'i*ation t%at (e .a/ 0e re1le*tin+ a'etri.ental i.0alan*e2 T%e t%eor/ 0e%in' t%is sel13'is*o,er/ instr-.ent4 (%i*% is a'ia+nosti* tool4 alerts -s as to (%at (e .i+%t (ant to 'o in or'er to i.pro,e o-r*o..-ni*ation e11e*ti,eness2 A1ter all4 in ter.s o1 0ein+ responsi0le 1or *o..-ni*atin+

e11e*ti,el/4 (e %a,e *%oi*es5

FEED AC6 -eedback is communication to a person or group that provides relative information about whatthey have said or done that may or may not affect others. (ome criteria for useful feedback/

It is 'es*ripti,e rather than evaluative. By describing one#s own reaction, it leaves the


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individual free to use it or not use it as they see fit. By avoiding evaluative language, itreduces the need for the individual to react defensively.

It is spe*i1i* rather than general. To be told that one is +dominating will probably not beas useful as to be told that, +0ust now when we were deciding the issue, you did not listen towhat others had to say, and I felt forced to accept your arguments or face a verbal attack from

you. It takes into account the nee's o1 0ot% t%e re*ei,er an' t%e +i,er o1 1ee'0a*k . -eedback

can be destructive when it serves only ones own needs and fails to consider the needs of the person on the receiving end.

It is 'ire*te' to(ar' 0e%a,ior4 (%i*% t%e re*ei,er *an 'o so.et%in+ a0o-t . -rustration isonly increased when a person is reminded of some shortcoming over which they have nocontrol.

It is soli*ite' , rather than imposed. -eedback is most useful when the receiver hasformulated the kind of "uestion, which those doing the observing can answer.

It is (ell ti.e' . In general, feedback is most useful at the earliest opportunity after thegiven behavior 1depending, of course, on the person#s readiness to hear it, support availablefrom others, etc.2.

It is *%e*ke' to ins-re -n'erstan'in+ . 3ne way of doing this is to have the receiver try torephrase the feedback received to see if it corresponds to what the sender had in mind.

When feedback is given in a training group, both giver and receiver have an opportunity to,ali'ate t%e a**-ra*/ o1 t%e 1ee'0a*k . 4o others, in fact, share the impressions of this one

person5

Fee'0a*k4 t%en4 is a +i1t2 It is a (a/ o1 +i,in+ %elp an' ser,es as a -se1-l.e*%anis. 1or t%e in'i,i'-al (%o (ants to learn %o( (ell t%eir 0e%a,ior.at*%es t%eir intentions2

Fee'0a*k is t%e reak1ast o1 C%a.pions5

REASONS FOR LAC6 OF FEED AC6

4on#t know the power of the gift 4on#t want to hear the truth 6ay confirm suspicions )ould cause embarrassment

4on#t want to hurt feelings -ear of +punishment 3thers

REASONS FOR LAC6 OF DISCLOSURE

Information is power 7ack of trust


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Been told not to share Takes time to process 8ot sure how it will be taken 6essenger gets punished

Ten $a/s to I.pro,e Yo-r Interpersonal Skills4on#t discount the importance of interpersonal skills in the workplace. ow you are perceived

by your manager and coworkers plays a large role in things as minor as your day'to'dayhappiness at the office and as ma$or as the future of your career.

8o matter how hard you work or how many brilliant ideas you may have, if you can#t connect

with the people who work around you, your professional life will suffer. The good news is thatthere are several concrete things that you can do to improve your social skills and become closer to your colleagues. All of these tools will ultimately help you succeed in today#s working world.

Try these 9: helpful tips for improving your interpersonal skills/

9. S.ile2 -ew people want to be around someone who is always down in the dumps. 4oyour best to be friendly and upbeat with your coworkers. 6aintain a positive, cheerfulattitude about work and about life. (mile often. The positive energy you radiate will drawothers to you.

;. e appre*iati,e2 -ind one positive thing about everyone you work with and let them

hear it. Be generous with praise and kind words of encouragement. (ay thank you whensomeone helps you. 6ake colleagues feel welcome when they call or stop by your office.If you let others know that they are appreciated, they#ll want to give you their best.

. rin+ people to+et%er2 )reate an environment that encourages others to work together.Treat everyone e"ually, and don?t play favorites. Avoid talking about others behind their

backs. -ollow up on other people?s suggestions or re"uests. When you make a statementor announcement, check to see that you have been understood. If folks see you as


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T%e $inner8s $orl'4 T%e Loser8s $orl'

$ INNERSWinners do not dedicate their lives to the concept of what they imagine they should beE rather,they are themselves and as such do not use their energy putting on a performance, maintaining

pretence, and manipulating others. Winners can reveal themselves instead of pro$ecting imagesthat please, provoke or entice others. They are aware that there is a difference between beingloving and acting loving, between being stupid and acting stupid, between being knowledgeableand acting knowledgeable. Winners do not need to hide behind a mask. They throw off unrealistic self'images of inferiority or superiority. Autonomy does not frighten winners.

All people have moments of autonomy, if only fleeting. owever, winners are able to sustaintheir autonomy over ever'increasing periods of time. Winners may lose ground occasionally andmay even fail. et, in spite of setbacks winners maintain a basic self'confidence.

Winners are not afraid to do their own thinking and to use their own knowledge. They canseparate facts from opinion and don#t pretend to have all the answers. They listen to others,evaluate what they say, but come to their own conclusions. Although winners can admire andrespect other people, they are not totally defined, demolished, bound or awed by them.

Winners do not play +helpless , not do they play the blaming game. Instead, they assumeresponsibility for their own lives. They don#t give others a false authority over them. Winners aretheir own bosses and know it.

A winner#s timing is right. Winners respond appropriately to the situation. Their responses arerelated to the message sent and preserve the significance, worth, well'being, and dignity of the

people involved. Winners know that for everything there is a season and for every activity a time.

A time to be aggressive and a time to be passive, A time to be together and a time to be alone, A time to fight and a time to love, A time to work and a time to play, A time to cry and a time to laugh, A time to confront and a time to withdraw, A time to speak and a time to be silent, A time to hurry and a time to wait.

To winners, time is precious. Winners don#t kill it, but live it here and now. 7iving in the nowdoes not mean that winners foolishly ignore their own past history or fail to prepare for thefuture. Father, winners know their past, are aware and alive in the present, and look forward tothe future.

Winners learn to know their feelings and limitations and to be unafraid of them. Winners are notstopped by their own contradictions and ambivalences. Being authentic, they know when they


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A loser seldom lives in the present, but instead destroys the present by focusing on pastmemories or future expectations. The loser who lives in the past dwells on the good old days or on past personal misfortunes. 8ostalgically, the loser either clings to the way things used to be or

bemoans his or her bad luck. The loser is self'pitying and shifts the responsibility for anunsatisfactory life onto others. Blaming others and excusing oneself are often part of the loser#sgames. A loser who lives in the past may lament if only/

+If only I had married someone else%+If only I had a different $ob%+If only I had finished college%+If only I had been handsome Hbeautiful %+If only my spouse had stopped drinking%+If only I had been born rich%+If only I had had better parents%

!eople who lie in the future may dream of some miracle after which they can +live happily ever

after. Father than pursuing their own lives, losers wait J wait for the magical rescue. owwonderful life will be when/

+When !rince )harming or the ideal woman finally comes%+When education is finally over%+When the kids grow up%+When that new $ob opens%+When the boss dies%+When my ship comes in%

In contrast to those who live with the delusion of a magical rescue, some losers live constantlyunder the dread of future catastrophe. They con$ure up expectations of what is/

+What if I lose my $ob%+What if I lose my mind%+What if something falls on me%+What if I break my leg%+What if they don#t like me%+What if I make a mistake%

By continuously focusing on the future, these losers experience anxiety in the present. They areanxious over what they anticipate J either real or imagines J tests, bill paying, a love affair,crisis, illness, retirement, the weather, and so forth. !ersons overly involved with imaginings let

the actual possibilities of the moment pass them by. They occupy their minds with material thatis irrelevant to the current situation. Anxiety tunes out current reality. )onse"uently, these peopleare unable to see for themselves, hear for themselves, feel for themselves, or taste, touch or think for themselves.


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Cnable to bring the full potential of their senses into the immediate situation, loser#s perceptionsare incorrect or incomplete. They see themselves and others through a prism'like distortion.Their ability to deal effectively with the real world is hampered.

7osers spend much of their time play'acting, pretending, manipulating, and perpetuating old

roles from childhood. 7osers invest their energy in manipulating masks, often pro$ecting a phoney front. Karen orney writes, +The fostering of the phoney self is always at the expense of the real self, the latter being treated with disdain, at best like a poor relative. To the play'actingloser, performance is often more important than reality.

7osers repress their capacities to express spontaneously and appropriately the full range of possible behaviour. They may be unaware of other options for a more productive, self'fulfillinglife path. 7osers are afraid to try new things and instead maintain their own status "uo. 7osersare repeaters, repeating not only their own mistakes, but often those of their families and cultureas well.

A loser has difficulty giving and receiving affection and does not enter into intimate, honest,direct relationships with others. Instead, a loser tries to manipulate them into living up to his or her expectations. 7osers# energies are often channelled into living up to the expectations of others.

!eople who are losers are not using their intellect appropriately, but instead are misusing it torationali&e and intellectualise. When rationali&ing, losers give excuses to make their actions seem

plausible. When intellectualising, they try to snow others with verbiage. )onse"uently, much of their potential remains dormant, unrealised, and unrecognised. 7ike the frog'prince in the fairy

tale, losers are spellbound and live their lives being something they aren#t meant to be.

Courtesy: Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward

Sel13Mana+e.ent: Mana+in+ Sel13Moti,ation

C%ara*teristi*s o1 Hi+% A*%ie,ers

9. Loal (etting and Gffort(ets challenging work goals and exerts high levels of effort.

;. !ersistenceighly persistent, even when faced with difficulties, or when success seems unlikely.


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=. 7eadership 3rientationIs prone to taking charge, leading others, and offering opinions.

>. )ooperation)onsistently demonstrate sa pleasant, and cooperative attitude with others.

@. )oncern for 3thersIs highly sensitive to the needs and feelings of others and highly supportive.

. (ocial 3rientationGn$oys working with others on the $ob and having work colleagues as friends.

. Independence!refers freedom to guide self with little or no supervision and develop own way of doingthingsE deals effectively with ambiguity.

D. (elf')ontrol6aintains composure, control anger, and avoid aggressive behaviour, even in very difficultsituations.

9:. (tress ToleranceAccepts criticism well, and remains calm even under high pressure or stress.

99. AdaptabilityM-lexibilityGn$oys and looks forward to change and variety in the workplace.

9;. 4ependability)onsistently fulfils $ob and work obligations.

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Sel1 Mana+e.ent: 9 Tipsou are responsible for everything that happens in your life. 7earn to accept total responsibilityfor yourself. If you do not manage yourself, then you are letting others have control of your 7ife.These tips will help +you manage +you.

7ook at every new opportunity as an exciting and new'life experience.

Be a professional who exhibits self'confidence and self'assurance in your potential tocomplete any task.

Agree with yourself in advance that you will have a good attitude toward the upcoming task.

-re"uently ask, +Is what I am doing right now moving me toward my goals5

4o it right the first time and you will not have to take time later to fix it.

Accept responsibility for your $ob successes and failures. 4o not look for scapegoats.

4o not view things you do as +$obs. *iew all activities as a challenge.

Cse your subconscious mind by telling it to do what you do want. Instead of telling yourself,+I can#t do that very well, say, +I can do this very well.

Live yourself points for completing tasks on your +to'do list in priority order. When youreach 9: points, reward yourself.

!ractice your personal beliefs. It may be helpful each morning to take 9> minutes to gather

your thoughts.6ake a commitment to show someone a specific accomplishment on a certain date. Theadded urgency will help you feel motivated to have it done.

!ractice self'determination, wanting to do it for yourself.

Believe that you can be what you want to be.

8ever critici&e yourself as having a weakness. There is no such thing. ou are only talkingabout a present undeveloped skill or part of yourself that if you so chose, you can change.ou do not have any weakness, only untapped potential.

Be pleasant all the time'no matter what the situation.

)hallenge yourself to do things differently than you have in the past. It provides new ideasand keeps you interested.

Talk to yourself. A self'talk using positive affirmation is something that is common among allgreat achievers. They convince themselves that they can accomplish their goals.

)reate your own +motivation board by putting up notes of things you need to do on a bulletin board or special wall space. It is an easily visible way to see what you need to work


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on. When an item is done, remove the note. Also keep your goals listed and pictured on your board.

(tay interested in what you are doing. Keep looking for what is interesting in your work.)hange your perspective and look at it as someone outside your $ob would,

Gstablish personal incentives and rewards to help maintain your own high enthusiasm and performance level.

Nen and Alberto 6oravia#s Ashtray

In Alice in Wonderland, Alice asks the )heshire )at +Would you tell me, please, which way Iought to go from here5+That depends a good deal on where you want to get to, says the )at.+I don#t much care whereJ+ says Alice.+Then it doesn#t matter which way you go, says the )at. +Jso long as I get (36GW GFG, Alice added as an explanation.+3h, you#re sure to do that, says the )at, +if you only walk long enough.

(ome of us do not seem to reach anywhere in our lives because we do not walk long enoughin any direction. 6any of us end up being not far from where we started and some indeedeven further behind, as though we have been walking backwards.:o:Alberto 6oravia has for long been one of my favourite authors. When I read recently hisstory The Ashtray, in the short story collection !aradise, I remembered the conversation of Alice and the )heshire )at and of the way many of us live our lives.The Ashtray tells the story of a woman of indeterminate age, but who, it appears, is notyoung any more. The story in the first person narrative begins with the woman standing infront of the mirror, her hand poised in the air, a wad of cotton'wool smeared with cleansingcream between two fingers. (he has cleaned one half of her face, the left side, but is not ableto make up her mind about cleaning the other half. er brain tells her she should, but her instincts are not to finish the cleaning. (he stands there looking at herself, irresolute andmotionless, and through her mind pass thoughts about what she had done through the daythat is about to end.(he has done a great number of things, she recalls, but brought none of them to a conclusion.(he reali&es her day has been like an ashtray which a neurotic smoker has filled, during manyhours, with a "uantity of cigarette'ends, some of them long, some of them short, some of them barely scorched. er day has been filled with acts that she had left half, or only a"uarter accomplishedE and like the cigarette'ends, these acts, now that she comes to think of them, seems to her to be dead, cold, evil'smelling.+I began the morning when the maid deposited my breakfast tray on my bed. I had intended/9 to arrange the menu for the two meals of the dayE ; to read the newspaperE < to drink acup of teaE = to eat a slice of bread with butter and honeyE > to telephone to )larice, a friendof mine, and ask her for a certain address. Instead of which, after starting a discussion aboutthe first dish for lunch, I dismissed the cook impatiently and told her she must think about itherself. Then I poured out the tea and buttered the bread, but I drank only a sip of the firstand ate only a morsel of the second because, in the meantime, I had opened the paper and had


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most important forms of Nen meditation is called Na&en and Na&en means simply sitting,doing nothing.This simple sitting, doing nothing, can transform your life in ways that are difficult toimagine until you do that. It can make your life richer beyond your expectations. It can bringan elemental "uality to your life J an elemental "uality that only simplicity can give it. The

elemental "uality and simplicity of a Nen garden. And what makes Nen gardens more beautiful than the most elaborately planned, complex gardens is this elemental "uality.3nce in a while $ust do nothing.Those few minutes of doing nothing are like the moments when the windows of your houseare open and sunlight pours in through them. When we are constantly running from one thingto another, our windows are closed and sunlight, however glorious it is out there, is shut outfrom our house and our life.We all need to get in touch with ourselves once in a while and this $ust sitting allows us to dothat. We, sort of, grow roots into our being when we do that.A beautiful story I have heard speaks of a distinguished explorer who was exploring theupper Ama&on along with some of the primitive local people. 3nce, he says, he attempted a

forced march through the $ungle. The party made extraordinary speed for the first two days, but on the third morning, when it was time to start, he found all the natives sitting on their haunches, looking very solemn and making no preparation to leave. +They are waiting, thechief explained to him. +They cannot move farther until their souls have caught up with their

bodies.What a beautiful thing to sayR3ur souls need time to catch up with us. And space. 7ots and lots of empty space in our mind. It is only then that our souls can be with us.aving empty spaces in our life is like having empty spaces in a room. The less the room iscluttered, the better it is as a space to live in.But today we have forgotten to leave empty spaces within us. 3ur minds are crowded.)luttered with a thousand things. We are exactly like the woman in 6oravia#s story. All of us. !articularly some of us who occupy positions of responsibility. And we make a mess of our lives and the lives of those around us.An idle mind is the devil#s workshop, goes the old saying. 6aybe true, may not be true. But acrowded mind is definitely the devil#s workshop. When the mind is crowded, our heartscannot breathe. And our souls suffocate.ere is what an author says about creating empty spaces in your days/ +(pending a fewminutes doing nothing, sitting still, embracing the silence helps prevent you from fallingapart. It gives you a chance to regain your perspective and to access a "uiet part of your brainwhere your wisdom and common sense exist. When you sit still and do nothing, it allowsyour mind the opportunity to sort things out and settle down. It turns what usually looks likechaos into a more manageable moment and provides your mind with a chance to rest andregroup. Ideas and solutions will pop into your head that would never have done so in afrenetic state of mind. When you#re finished doing nothing or sitting still, it will often seemlike life is coming at you a little slower, which makes everything seem a whole lot easier andless stressful.:o:


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(ince we began by talking about completing things, let#s go back to 6oravia#s woman andsee what she had done with the rest of her day. Femember she had gotten into a taxi in ahurry because she was late and in the taxi reali&ed she had forgotten to put on any lipstick.Well, she goes to a bookstore and comes out irritated, without choosing what she wants to

buy, then goes to a bouti"ue and comes out from there too irritated without making a

purchase because the salesmen in both places are too solicitous of her. (he then goes to a bar and after ordering a drink, suddenly rushes out of the place without drinking it and without paying for it, because she sees a young man she would love to be with passing by outside inthe street. (he misses him, of course. (he later has appointments with two lovers, two+incomplete affairs again, and then she comes back home. That#s where she was standingunable to gather the will re"uired to remove makeup from the other half of her face too as thestory began.When she goes to bed, her makeup is still there on the right side of her face. er husband towhom she tries to warm up in bed, kissing his hand passionately, points this out to her.:o:

)ourtesy/ http/MMinnertraditions.blogspot.com

Mana+in+ People: 9; Sins

9. 7ack of self'discipline;. Csing poor $udgement. Being cold, aloof or arrogant@. !romoting the impression of favouritism. Betraying individual trust. olding grudges

D. 6icro'managing9:. The inability to think strategically99. A failure to staff effectively9;. Being overly ambitious9. 7ow detail orientation9@. Key skill deficiencies9 . 3ver'dependence on a single skill9 . Inability to adapt to bossesMstrategiesMmanagement culture9D. 4oing too much and leading too little;:. Cnwillingness to adapt to people with different attitudes;9. Feflecting poor attitudes toward organi&ational policies and procedures;;. Gstablishing unclear or vague parameters


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Cse language that is easy to understand.7et bygones be bygones.Inspire loyalty.)elebrate other people#s successes.andle disagreements privately.

6akes people feel confident.(ay +we instead of +I .Be courageous.Be a stabili&ing influence in a crisis.Let everyone involved.Be optimistic.ave a good understanding of the $ob.Be tough and tender.Believe +we can do it.(et attainable milestones.

)ommunicate philosophy and values.Be perceptive J doesn#t re"uire that everything be spelled out.ave a strong sense of urgency.!reserve the individuality your team members.Think and operate at a level above what is expected.Want to make the organi&ation the best it can.Be willing to act on intuitionE believes feelings are facts.Gmpower people.Be there when your people need you.Gn$oy your $ob.

Gn$oy spending time with your people.

Sel13Mana+e.ent: Mana+in+ Stress

(tress is more than $ust headaches and fatigue and high blood pressure. (ometimes stress ismotivating and energi&ing. At other times it can be debilitating and even threaten your life or career.

(tress can be thought of as on a continuum''from good to bad 1i.e. positive and challenging tonegative and threatening2.

Too little stress and you aren?t motivated or stimulated. ou don?t have any reason to get out of bed in the morning because there isn?t anything in your life worth getting out of bed for. ouaren?t challenged. Too much stress and your body complains. ou feel anxious, pressured. our stomach gets in knots and you cannot think clearly. Too much stress means you have too many


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challenges in your life or the few challenges you have are so significant you think they cannot beovercome.

(omewhere between these extremes, in a place between too little stress and too much, lies anamount of stress that is healthy, motivating, and stimulating.

T%e +oal o1 stress .ana+e.ent

0ust as stress is more than ill'health, there is more to managing stress than learning to relax.(tress management is about finding a level of stress with which you are comfortable andenacting strategies of thought and action to keep yourself there.

$%at is stress: The fight or flight responseou have heard of the fight or flight response. -ight or flight is a great way to conceptuali&e andthink about stress and stress management. It seems a bit simple but it helps explain where stresscomes from and it suggests three categories of stress management.

Think back to the earliest days of man?s history on earth. When men and women were foragingfor food, finding shelter, and making babies. There wasn?t too much else to our existence back then.

Idyllic as it may sound, primitive man faced some significant threats''lack of food, exposure toextremes of cold and heat, and predators. In other words, simply staying alive was stressful

because primitive man didn?t know where his next meal was going to come from or whether he,himself, was going to become that meal.

In those earliest days you had two choices when faced with a life'threatening, and conse"uentlystressful, situation''fight or flee. -or example, faced with a tiger or some other horrible beast thatwas going to cut you down and eat you up, you had to decide to fight it or run like mad and get

out of there. What we call the fight or flight response, is your response to fight the horrible beastor flee. And fight or flight reflects your body?s stress reaction. In other words, when stressed, youcan face the threat or run away from it.

In order to fight or flee, your body has to prepare itself. our energy resources are pumped toSstressS in this fight or flight response. It is your body?s attempt to prepare itself to cope with life'threatening situations.

When you feel stress, your body is preparing to fight something or run away.

The fight or flight response involves your brain, your body, and your emotions. It starts in a partof your brain called the hypothalamus.

When you feel stressed, you are feeling the effects of your body?s preparation to cope with a life'threatening situation. our body is preparing to fight something or to run away.

As time passed, our brains evolved and we learned how to con"uer those things that used tothreaten our lives or we learned to better protect ourselves with weapons and technology. Butevolution came at a price. As our brains continued to evolve so too did our ability to think in ever more complex ways. As a conse"uence, we can imagine all sorts of life threatening situationsaround us when there are rarely any.


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6odern man feels an adrenaline rush if someone cuts in front of him in traffic. And his blood pressure skyrockets because he can?t stand the thought of facing another day in a $ob that hehates.

We are, without doubt, biologically prepared to cope with very stressful situations. This isimportant because it keeps us alert and alive. et, this same preparedness works against us if welet it go unchecked and we react without conscious thought to the challenges of everyday living.(o are we at the whim of our history and biology5 )ertainly not. Indeed, to the extent to whichwe have the ability to think up more threatening situations, we have the ability to think up amyriad of solutions.

The key to managing stress is to use the Sfight or flightS response to prepare us to excel. We canuse our adrenaline rush to fuel positive action. And we can use our emotions as signals to tell uswhat is wrong with our life so that we can take action to change it.

Si+ns an' S/.pto.s o1 Stress

(tress affects you in four distinct areas/ our body our thoughts our feelings and emotions our behaviour or action

(ome stress is bad stress''it disturbs your thoughts, feelings, health, and actions. (ome stress is

good stress''it leaves you stimulated, motivated and challenged. If you believe that you can copewith the stressors 1i.e. demands2 that day'to'day living places upon you, you experience the

positive aspects of stress such as/

Increased motivation and drive A sense of challenge and excitement A sense of renewed energy Attention to detail, accuracy -eelings of excitement and hope Increased self'confidence

A sense of purpose and goal

T%e -n%ealt%/ si+ns o1 stress

The unhealthy side of stress may manifest in your life in any of four areas. ou may notice/

C%an+es in /o-r 0o'/


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igh blood pressure 6uscle tension 4isturbed sleep Knots in stomach or nausea eadaches

C%an+es in /o-r t%inkin+

Trouble concentrating 7ost self'confidence 7apses of memory !oor $udgment Cndue feelings of being under pressure

C%an+es in /o-r e.otions

Fesentment, cynicism Anger and irritability -eeling Son edgeS, agitated -eeling blue, down, or hopeless 6oodiness

An' *%an+es in /o-r a*tions

Increased smoking Withdrawing from others 8on'stop talking -idgeting Absenteeism

Fecogni&e any of these5 These are some of the more common expressions of unhealthy levels of stress. It is important for you to look at your life and attend to any signals that you may beunhealthily stressed. (ome of these signs are indicative of medical problems that should be takencare of with medications. 3thers are purely a reflection of unchecked stress and can be resolved

by applying the general principles of stress management.

Q-i*k Tips 1or Stress Mana+e.ent


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La-+% .ore

7aughter is one of the most effective ways to manage stress. 7aughter can help you boost your immune system functioning. This, in turn, means that you will be less prone to colds and fluesand, if you do get sick, you will get better that much faster.

e 1le)i0leGverybody has a uni"ue way of looking at, and interacting with, the world. (ome people tend to

be a little warm and easy to get to knowE others a bit more aloof and distant. As well, some people are dominant or very assertive, and others are meek and perhaps passive. The way youtypically see the world and respond to events and people in it is called your personality. A sure'fire way to manage stress is to experiment with different parts of your personality. Be flexible.ou don?t always have to be passive or controlling. (imilarly, sometimes you can try being a bitwarmer rather than distant. 4o whatever the situation demands, not what your habit or SwayS or

personality dictates. Being more flexible in your personality helps you manage stress by allowingyou to try different ways of talking to people and dealing with events rather than acting out of habit or doing what makes you feel safe.

reat%e

We breathe to fill our lungs with oxygen, the fuel for our bodies, and release waste products frominside. When we become stressed, our bodies demand considerably more fuel. ence, we start to

breath more rapidly and our heart rate increases. owever, we also breathe more shallowly sothere isn?t a very efficient and healthy exchange between getting fresh oxygen in and gettingwaste gases out. !oor breathing contributes in this way to anxiety and fatigue, and makesstressors harder to cope with.

Felaxed breathing is an effective way to manage stress. Be aware of your breathing. Think Smy body can relaxS, inhale slowly and purposefully noticing the breath as it enters through your nostrils and fills your lungs. Gxpand your abdomen as you breathe to the count of four, hold the

breath for a moment, and slowly exhale to the count of four. -or your second breath, visuali&ewarmth and relaxation entering your body as you inhaleE tension exiting your body as youexhale. This is a good techni"ue to use when you get a stressful phone call, for example. !ut the

person on hold, take your breath, release it slowly and thoughtfully, then return to the call. oucan also take a few deep, relaxing breaths while in a washroom cubicle, waiting at a traffic light,waiting for a meeting to begin, etc.

Sa/


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Believe it or not, this is good advice. Being perfect at everything you do is very taxing andstressful. ou don?t have to be the best at everything. (ometimes people who set high standardsfor themselves get caught in a perfection trap. If they succeed at meeting their personalstandards, they only set their standards higher the next time round. (o they never feel that theyhave done a good $ob. Be a little less hard on yourself, let yourself make some mistakes if they

aren?t critical.(et reasonable goals and strive to do your best. 7earn from failure but don?t beat yourself over the head when you make a mistake. Be a bit easier on yourself. )an you manage that5 Well, try.

Pla/ (it% a pet

There is a lot of wisdom in this tip. -irst of all, playing with a pet can distract you from your worries. (o rather than ruminate and feel stressed, focus your thoughts on your pet and thereby

begin to feel better. (econd, there is a real physical benefit to playing with pets. It can leave youfeeling happier and healthier. -inally, playing with your pet may offer you a chance to get active.If you have an animal that likes to run outside, go out and throw a ball for it to retrieve. ou?llfeel refreshed and, conse"uently, less stressed.

Si.pli1/

A sure way to reduce stress is to do less and reevaluate your commitments. Is it important for you to have a luxury car and large roof over your head5 If it is, then you are going to have towork long hours and worry about making ends meet. If you are engaged in too manyactivities, choose one or two activities that you truly en$oy and reevaluate your commitment tothe others. When you reduce the demands on your time, you will have more leisure time and,hence, less stress.

#et a*ti,e

Fegular aerobic exercise 1repetitive movement of large muscle groups as in walking, $ogging,

swimming2 is a healthy and effective way to manage stress. In addition to improving your physical well'being, it can have a positive effect on your mood and your body?s immune system.

The greatest benefits of exercise occur when your heart beats to within >: to > of itsmaximum. 1The maximum heart rate for men is ;;: beatsMminute minus their ageE for women themaximum is ;:: beatsMminute minus their age2. These benefits occur if the activity is sustainedfor a total of


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4on?t run away from difficulties because you feel it easier than facing them. It is better to risk failure and confront your problems. If you don?t, nothing ever gets resolved and the tension may

be more than you can bear.

(o face difficulties as they arise. Before you begin your workday reflect on unfinished businessand plan on how you will resolve it. Live yourself positive coping messages throughout the day1e.g. SThis is going to be tough but I can handle itS2, not negative ones 1e.g. S3h no, I can?t bear the thought of facing this terrible day.S2.

Talk to ot%ers

3ne of the best ways to manage stress is to share your feelings with others. (o it?s a very goodthing for a lot of reasons to develop supportive relationships in your life.

-ind a friend or someone who you feel comfortable sharing with, and tell them about your day.7ike laughter, talking to other people and $ust Sgetting it off your chestS can help improve your

body?s physical health. And you don?t have to have a solution, either. (imply talking to otherswithout getting any solutions to your problem, can help you feel better. And, who knows, youmay learn another way of looking at your stressful situation that is healthier for you or you mayfind a good way to articulate what you are struggling with. This, alone, can reduce your stress.

6eep a =o-rnal

Fecording the things that happen to you and what you think about them, each day, can be a greatform of stress relief. This allows you to think about your stress triggers 1i.e., what upsets you2and may help you plan to change them.

ou can also make $ournal entries that will help you look at the world in a more positive light.It?s called noting your Sgratitudes.S What five or six things are you grateful for today5 What wereyou grateful for yesterday5 I?m grateful that I had enough milk for my tea this morning, and I?m

grateful that it?s sunny outside. 0ournali&ing your gratitudes will change your outlook on life and,conse"uently, help you manage your stress.

So.e ot%er i'eas

Take up a hobby Try gardening

Let a massage

(oak in a bubble bath

7isten to relaxing music

Try aromatherapy 1fragrances that induce relaxed mood states2

4aydream


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)atch a movie

Fead a book

Courtesy: Prof Satya Chaitanya

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