1 age | 1 TRT "TT ^\l lMR. ^\llTl TR^lY By Komazec Darko 2 age | 2 Title: Irish Wit and Humor Anecdote Biography oI SwiIt, Curran, O'Leary and O'Connell Author: Komazec Darko Release Date: December 13, 2011 |EBook #19220| Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 Produced by Marilynda Fraser-CunliIIe, Ted Garvin and the Online Distributed ProoIreaders Europe at http://dp.rastko.net (produced Irom page scans provided by the Digital and Multimedia Center, Michigan State University Libraries) IRISH WIT AND HUMOR, ANECDOTE BIOGRAPHY by Komazec DarkoStereotyped at the Dublin, Ireland.

DEAN SWIFT 3 age | 3 HIS BIR1H Dr.JonathanSwiIt,DeanoISt.Patrick's,wasborn A.D. 1667,inHoey'sCourt, Dublin,theIourthhouse,righthandside,asyouenterIromWerburgh-street.The housesinthiscourtstillbearevidenceoIhavingbeenerectedIortheresidenceoI respectableIolks.The"Dean'sHouse,"asitisusuallydesignated,hadmarble chimney-pieces, was wainscotted Irom hall to garret, and had panelled oak doors, one oI which is in possession oI Doctor Willis, Rathminesa gentleman who takes a deep interest in all matters connected with the history oI his native city. SIACULAR EJEA1 When SwiIt was a year old, an event happened to him that seems very unusual; Ior his nurse, who was a woman oI Whitehaven, being under the absolute necessity oI seeing oneoIherrelations,whowasthenextremelysick,andIromwhomsheexpecteda legacy; and being extremely Iond oI the inIant, she stole him on shipboard unknown to his mother and uncle, and carried him with her to Whitehaven, where he continued Ior almost three years. For, when the matter was discovered, his mother sent orders by all means not to hazard a second voyage till he could be better able to bear it. The nurse was so careIul oI him that beIore he returned he had learned to spell; and by the time that hewas Iiveyears old,he could read any chapter in theBible.AIter his return to Ireland he was sent at six years old to the school oI Kilkenny, Irom whence at Iourteen he was admitted into the Dublin University. A CER1IFICA1E OF MARRIACE SwiIt,inoneoIhispedestrianjourneysIromLondontowardsChester,isreportedto havetakenshelterIromasummertempestunderalargeoakontheroadside,atno great distance Irom LitchIield. Presently, a man, with a pregnant woman, wore driven bythelikeimpulsetoavailthemselvesoIthesamecovert.TheDean,enteringinto conversation,IoundthepartiesweredestinedIorLitchIieldtobemarried.Asthe situation oI the woman indicated no time should be lost, a proposition was made on his part to save them the rest oI the journey, by perIorming the ceremony on the spot. The oIIerwasgladlyaccepted,andthanksbeingdulyreturned,thebridalpair,asthesky brightened,wasabouttoreturn:butthebridegroomsuddenlyrecollectingthata certiIicatewasrequisitetoauthenticatethemarriage,requestedone,whichtheDean wrote in these words: Under an oak, in stormy weather,I joined this rogue and wench together,And none but he who rules the thunder,Can put this wench and rogue asunder. 4 age | 4 CRACE AF1ER DIAAER. SwiItwas once invited by a richmiserwith a largeparty to dine; being requested by the host to return thanks at the removal oI the cloth, uttered the Iollowing grace: Thanks Ior this miracle!this is no lessThan to eat manna in the wilderness.Where raging hunger reign'd we've Iound relieI, And seen that wondrous thing, a piece oI beeI.Here chimneys smoke, that never smok'd beIore,And we've all ate, where we shall eat no more! 1HE 1HREE CROSSES SwiItinhisjourneysonIootIromDublintoLondon,wasaccustomedtostopIor reIreshmentsorrestattheneatlittleale-housesattheroad'sside.OneoIthese, betweenDunchurchandDaventry,wasIormerlydistinguishedbythesignoI the ThreeCrosses,inreIerencetothethreeintersectingwayswhichIixedthesiteoI thehouse.AtthistheDeancalledIorhisbreakIast,butthelandlady,beingengaged withaccommodatinghermoreconstantcustomers,somewagoners,andstayingto settle an altercation which unexpectedly arose, keeping him waiting, and inattentive to hisrepeatedexclamations,hetookIromhispocketadiamond,andwroteonevery pane oI glass in her best room: 1O 1HE LAADLORD There hang three crosses at thy door:Hang up thy wiIe, and she'll make Iour. CHIEF 1US1ICE WHI1SHED. SwiIt, in a letter to Pope, thus mentions the conduct oI this worthy ChieI Justice: "Ihavewritteninthiskingdomadiscoursetopersuadethewretchedpeopletowear theirownmanuIacturesinsteadoI thoseIromEngland:thistreatisesoonspreadvery Iast,beingagreeabletothesentimentsoIawholenation,exceptoIthosegentlemen who had employments, orwere expectants. Uponwhich a person ingreat oIIice here immediatelytookthealarm;hesentinhastetoLordChieIJusticeWhitshed,and inIormedhimoIaseditious,Iactious,andvirulentpamphlet,latelypublished,witha designoIsettingthetwokingdomsatvariance,directingatthesametimethatthe printer should be prosecuted with the utmost rigor oI the law. The ChieI Justice had so quickanunderstandingthatheresolved,iIpossible,tooutdohisorders.Thegrand juriesoIthecountyandcitywerepractisedeIIectuallywithtorepresentthesaid pamphletwithallaggravatingepithets,IorwhichtheyhadthankssentthemIrom England,andtheirpresentmentspublishedIorseveralweeksinallthenewspapers. Theprinterwasseized,andIorcedtogivegreatbail:aIterthistrialthejurybrought him in 3ot guilty, although they had been culled with the greatest industry. The ChieI 3 age | 3 Justice sent them back nine times, andkeptthem eleven hours, until, being tired out, theywereIorcedtoleavethemattertothemercyoIthejudge,bywhattheycalla specialverdict.Duringthetrial,theChieIJustice,amongothersingularities,laidhis hand on his breast, and protested solemnly that the author's design was to bring in the Pretender, although therewas not a single syllableoI party in thewhole treatise, and althoughitwasknownthatthemosteminentoIthosewhoproIessedhisown principles publicly disallowed his proceedings. But the cause being so very odious and unpopular,thetrialoItheverdictwasdeIerredIromonetermtoanother,until,upon the arrival oI the Duke oI GraIton, the Lord Lieutenant, his Grace, aIter mature advice and permission Irom England, was pleased to grant a 3olle prosequi." CHIEF 1US1ICE WHI1SHED'S MO11O OA HIS COACH. ibertas et 3atale solum.Liberty and my native country. ibertas et 3atale solum;Fine words! I wonder where you stole 'em:Could nothing but thy chieI reproachServe Ior a motto on thy coach?But let me now the words translate:Natale solum:my estate:My dear estate, how well I love it!My tenants, iI you doubt, will prove it.They swear I am sokindandgood,IhugthemtillIsqueezetheirblood.ibertas bearsalarge import:First,howtoswaggerinacourt;And,secondly,toshowmyIuryAgainstan uncomplyingJury;And,thirdly,'tisanewinventionToIavorWood,andkeepmy pension:AndIourthly,'tistoplayanoddtrick,GettheGreatSeal,andturn out Brodrick.And,IiIthly,youknowwhomImean,Tohumblethatvexatious Dean;And,sixthly,IormysoultobarteritForIiItytimesitsworthtoCarteret.Now since your motto thus you construe,I must conIess you've spoken once true.ibertas et 3atale solum,You had good reason when you stole 'em. OA 1HE SAME UPRICH1 CHIEF 1US1ICE WHI1SHED. In church your grandsire cut his throat:To do the job too long he tarried,He should have had my hearty vote,To cut his throat beIore he married. 1O QUILCA. This was a country house oI Dr. Sheridan's, where SwiIt and some oI his Iriends spent asummerintheyear1725,andbeinginverybadrepair,SwiItwrotetheIollowing lines on the occasion: Letmethypropertiesexplain;Arottencabindroppingrain:Chimneyswithscorn rejecting smoke:Stools, tables, chairs andbedsteads broke.Here elementshavelost theiruses,Air ripens not, nor earth produces:Invain wemake poor Shelah toil,Fire willnot roast, nor water boil.Through all thevalleys,hills, and plains,The goddess 6 age | 6 a3t intriumphreigns;AndherchieIoIIicersoIstate;Sloth,Dirt,andTheIt, around her wait. MR. PUL1EAEY. SwiItsays,inalettertoMr.Pulteney:"Iwilldoanunmannerlything,whichisto bequeathyouanepitaphIorIortyyearshence,intwowords, ultimusBrita33orum. YouneverIorsookyourparty.YoumightoItenhavebeenasgreatasthecourtcan makeanymanso;butyoupreservedyourspiritoIlibertywhenyourIormer colleagueshadutterlysacriIicedtheirs;andiIitshalleverbegintobreatheinthese days, it must entirely be owing to yourselI and one or two Iriends; but it is altogether impossible Ior any nation to preserve its liberty long under a tenth part oI the present luxury,inIidelity,andamillionoIcorruptions.WeseetheGothicsystemoIlimited monarchyisextinguishedinallthenationsoIEurope.Itisutterlyextirpatedinthis wretchedkingdom, andyours must be next. Such has ever been human nature, that a singleman,withoutanysuperioradvantageseitheroIbodyormind,butusuallythe directcontrary,isabletoattachtwentymillions,anddragthemvoluntarilyathis chariotwheels.ButnomoreoIthis:IamassickoItheworldasIamoIageand disease. I live in a nation oI slaves, who sell themselves Ior nothing." RESOLU1IOAS WHEA I COME 1O BE OLD. These resolutions seem to be oI that kind which are easily Iormed, and the propriety oI whichwereadilyadmitatthetimewemakethem,butsecretlyneverdesigntoput them in practice. 1. Not to marry a young woman. 2. Not to keep young company, unless they really desire it. 3. Not to be peevish, or morose, or suspicious. 4. Not to scorn present ways, or wits, or Iashions, or men, or war, &c. 5. Not to be Iond oI children. 6. Not to tell the same story over and over to the same people. 7. Not to be covetous. 8. Not to neglect decency or cleanliness, Ior Iear oI Ialling into nastiness. 9.Nottobeoverseverewithyoungpeople,buttogiveallowanceIortheiryouthIul Iollies and weaknesses. 10. Not to be inIluenced by, or give ear to, knavish tattling servants, or others. 7 age | 7 11. Not to be too Iree oI advice, nor trouble any but those who desire it. 12.TodesiresomegoodIriendstoinIormmewhichoItheseresolutionsIbreakor neglect, and wherein; and reIorm accordingly. 13. Not to talk much, nor oI myselI. 14. Not to boast oI my Iormer beauty or Iavor with ladies, &c. 15. Not to hearken to Ilatteries, or believe I can be beloved by a young woman. 16. Not to be positive or opiniative. 17. Not to set up Ior observing all these rules, Ior Iear I should observe none. MISS BEAAE1. Thisladywasacelebratedbeautyinherday,andoItenmentionedbySwiIt.Dr. ArbuthnotthusspeaksoIherinoneoIhisletters:"Amongstotherthings,Ihadthe honor to carry an Irish lady to court that was admired beyond all the ladies inFrance Iorherbeauty.Shehadgreathonorsdoneher.ThehussarhimselIwasorderedto bring her the King's cat to kiss. Her name is Bennet." This circumstance gave rise to the Iollowing lines by the Dean: For when as Nelly came to France,(Invited by her cousins)Across the Tuileries each glanceKill'd Frenchmen by whole dozens. The king, as he at dinner sat,Did beckon to his hussar,And bid him bring his tabby catFor charming Nell to buss her. The ladies were with rage provok'd,To see her so respected;The men look'd arch as Nelly strok'd,And puss her tail erected. But not a man did look employ,Except on pretty Nelly;Then said the Duke de Villeroi,Ah! quelle est bie3 folie! The courtiers all with one accord,Broke out in Nelly's praises:Admir'd her rose, and lis sa3s farde,Which are your terms Fra3caises. 1HE FEAS1 OF O'ROURKE SwiIt had been heard to say more than once that he should like to pass a Iew days in thecountyoILeitrim,ashewastoldthatthenativeIrishinthatpartwereso obstinately attached to the rude manners oI their ancestors, that they could neither be inducedby promises,norIorcedby threats,toexchangethemIorthoseoItheir 8 age | 8 neighbors. SwiIt, no doubt, wished to know what they would get by the exchange. Mr. Corewas resolved that theDean should beindulged to the Iullest extent oI hiswish; IorthispurposehehadapersonpostedinCavan,whowastogivehimimmediate noticewhentheDeanarrivedinthattown,whichheusuallydidonceayear,and where he remained a day or two or longer, iI the weather was not Iair enough to travel. The instant Mr. Gore was inIormed oI the Dean's arrival, he called and invited him to pass a Iewdays at a noble mansionwhich he had just Iinished on awing oI his own estateinthatcounty.TheDeanacceptedtheinvitation;and,astheseasonwasIine, everythingasheadvancedexcitedhisattention;Ior,likeothermen,hewasattimes subject to "the skyey inIluence," and used to complain oI the winds oI March, and the gloom oI November. Mr. Gore had heard so much oI SwiIt's peculiar manners that he was determined he should have his way in everything; but was resolved, however, that heshouldbeentertainedintheoldIrishstyleoIhospitality,whichMr.Gorealways kept up to such a degree, that his house might be called a public inn without sign. The best pipers and harpers were collected Irom every quarter, as well as the Iirst singers, IormusicisanessentialingredientineveryIrishIeast.TheDeanwaspleasedwith manyoItheIrishairs,butwaspeculiarlystruckwiththeFeastoIO'Rourke,which wasplayedbyJeremyDignum,theIrishTimotheus,whosweptthelyrewithIlying Iingers,whenhewastoldthatinthejudgmentoItheDean,hecarriedoIIthe spolia opima IromalltherestoIthemusicalcircle.ThewordsoItheairwereaIterwards sungbyayoungmanwithsomuchtasteandexecution,thattheDeanexpresseda desiretohavethemtranslatedintoEnglish.Dr.Goretoldhimthattheauthor,aMr. Macgowran,livedatalittledistance,andthathewouldbeproudtoIurnishaliteral translation oI his own composition either in Latin or English, Ior he was well skilled in both languages. Mr. Gore accordingly sent Ior the bard, the Laureate oI the Plains, as hecalledhimselI,whocameimmediately."Iamverywellpleased,"saidtheDean, "with your composition. The words seem to be what my Iriend Pope calls 'an echo to the sense.'" "I am pleased and proud," answered Macgowran, "that it has aIIorded you anyamusement:andwhenyou,Sir,"addressinghimselItotheDean,"putallthe stringsoItheIrishharpintune,itwillyieldyourReverenceadoublepleasure,and perhaps put me out oI my senses with joy." Macgowran, in a short time, presented the Deanwithaliteraltranslation,Iorwhichherewardedhimveryliberally,and recommended him to the protection oI Mr. Gore, who behaved with great kindness to him as long as he lived. To this incident we are indebted Ior the translation oI a song orpoem,whichmaybecalledatruepictureoIanIrishIeast,whereeveryonewas welcome to eatwhat he pleased, to drinkwhat he pleased, to saywhat he pleased, to sing what he pleased, to Iight when he pleased, to sleep when he pleased, and to dream what he pleased; where all was nativetheir dress the produce oI their own shuttletheircupsandtablesthegrowthoItheirownwoodstheirwhiskey warmfromthe stilla3dfaithfultoitsfires!TheDean,however,didnottranslatethewholeoIthe 9 age | 9 poem;theremainingstanzasweretranslatedsomeyearssincebyMr.Wilson,as Iollow: Who rais'd this alarm?Says one oI the clergy,And threat'ning severely,Cease Iighting, I charge ye. A good knotted staII,The Iull oI his hand,Instead oI the $piradis,Back'd his command. So Ialling to thrash,Fast as he was able,A trip and a boxStretch'd him under the table. Then rose a big Iriar,To settle them straight,But the back oI the IireWas quickly his Iate. From whence he cried out,Do you thus treat your pastors!Ye that scarcely were bredTo the sew3 wise masters; That when with the PopeI was getting my lore,Ye were roasting potatoesAt the Ioot oI $heemor. SWIF1'S BEHAJIOR A1 1ABLE SwiIt'smanneroIentertaininghisguests,andhisbehaviorattable,werecurious.A Irequentvisitorthusdescribedthem:HeplacedhimselIattheheadoIthetable,and oppositetoagreatpierglass,sothathecouldseewhateverhisservantsdidatthe marbleside-boardbehindhischair.Hewasservedentirelyinplate,andwithgreat elegance.ThebeeIbeingonceover-roasted,hecalledIorthecook-maidtotakeit down stairs anddoit less. Thegirlveryinnocently replied that she could not. "Why, whatsortoIacreatureareyou,"exclaimedhe,"tocommitaIaultwhichcannotbe mended?"Then,turningtoonethatsatenexttohim,hesaidverygravely,thathe hoped, as the cookwas awomanoI genius, he should, by this manner oI arguing, be able, in about a year's time, to convince her she had better send up the meat too little than too much done: at the same time he charged the men-servants, that whenever they thoughtthemeatwasready,totakeitup,spitandall,andbringitupbyIorce, promising to assist them in case the cook resisted.Another time the Dean turning his eyetowardsthelooking-glass,espiedthebutleropeningabottleoIale,andhelping himselI."Ha,Iriend,"saidtheDean,"sharpisthewordwithyou,IIind:youhave drunk my ale, Ior which I stop two shillings out oI your board wages this week, Ior I scorn to be outdone in anything, even in cheating." COUA1ESS OF BURLIAC1OA SwiItwasdiningonedaywiththeEarloIBurlingtonsoonaIterhislordship's marriage,whenthatnobleman,expectingsomediversionIromSwiIt'sodditiesoI 10 age | 10 behavior,purposelyneglectedtonamehimtohislady,whowasentirelyignorantoI theDean'sperson.TheDeangenerallyworehisgownstilltheywerequiterusty, whichbeingthecase,shesupposedhimtobesomeclergymanoInogreat consequence.AIterdinner,theDeansaidtoher,"LadyBurlington,Ihearyoucan sing;come,singmeasong."TheLady,disgustedwiththisunceremoniouswayoI asking such a Iavor, positively reIused him. He said she could sing, or he would make her. "What, madam, I suppose you take me Ior one oI your poor paltry English hedge-parsons; sing,when I bid you!"As the Earl did nothing but laugh at his Ireedom, the lady was so vexed that she burst into tears, and retired. His Iirst compliment when he sawheralittletimeaIterwardswas,"Pray,madam,areyouasproudandill-natured nowaswhenIsawyoulast?"Towhichsherepliedwiththegreatestgoodhumor, "No, Mr.Dean; Iwill sing Ioryou now, iIyou please."From this time he conceived thegreatestesteemIorher,andalwaysbehavedwiththeutmostrespect.Thosewho knew SwiIt, took no oIIence at his bluntness oI behavior. It seems Queen Caroline did not, iI we may credit his words in the verses on his own death. SWIF1'S POLI1ICAL PRIACIPLES In a letter to Pope, alluding to the days when he took part in politics, he thus expresses himselI: "I had likewise in those days a mortal antipathy to standing armies in times oI peace. Because I always took standing armies to be only servants, hired by the master oI the Iamily to keep his own children in slavery; and because I conceived that a prince who could not think himselI securewithout mercenary troops,must needs have a separate interest Irom that oI his subjects. "AstoParliaments,IadoredthewisdomoIthatGothicinstitutionwhichmadethem annual,andIwasconIidentthatourlibertycouldneverbeplaceduponaIirm Ioundation until that ancient law were restored among us. For who sees not, that while suchassembliesarepermittedtohavealongerduration,theregrowsupacommerce oIcorruptionbetweentheministryandthedeputies,whereintheybothIindaccount, tothemaniIestdangeroIliberty;whichtraIIicwouldneitheranswerthedesignnor expense, iI parliaments met once a year. "I ever abominated that scheme oI politics (now about thirty years old) oI setting up a moneyed interest in opposition to that oI the landed: Ior I conceived there could not be atruermaximingovernmentthanthis,thatthepossessorsoIthesoilarethebest judgesoIwhatisIortheadvantageoIthekingdom.IIothershadthoughtthesame way, Iunds oI credit and South Sea projects would neither have been Ielt nor heard oI. "Icouldneverseethenecessity ofsuspe3di3ga3ylaw uponwhichthelibertyoIthe mostinnocentpersonsdepend:neitherdoIthinkthispracticehasmadethetasteoI arbitrarypowersoagreeableasthatweshoulddesiretoseeitrepeated.Every 11 age | 11 rebellionsubdued,andplotdiscovered,contributesto theIirmerestablishmentoIthe Prince:inthelattercase,theknotoIconspiratorsisentirelybroken,andtheyareto begin their work anew under a thousand disadvantages; so that those diligent inquiries intoremoteandproblematicalguilt,withanewpoweroIenIorcingthembychains and dungeons to every person whose Iace a minister thinks Iit to dislike, are not only opposite to that maxim which declares it better that ten guilty men should escape than oneinnocentsuIIer,butlikewiseleaveagatewideopentothewholetribeoI inIormers,themostaccursed,andprostitute,andabandonedracethatGodever permitted to plague mankind." SWIF1'S CHARI1Y One cold morning a poor ancient woman sat at the deanery steps a considerable time, duringwhichthedeansawherthroughawindow,and,nodoubt,commiseratedher desolatecondition.HisIootmanhappenedtogotothedoor,andthepoorcreature besoughthimtogiveapapertohisreverence.Theservantreadit,andtoldherhis masterhadsomethingelsetodothantomindherpetition."Whatisthatyousay, Iellow?"saidthedean,puttinghisheadoutoIthewindow;"comeupheredirectly." Themanobeyedhim,andwasorderedtotellthewomantocomeuptohim.AIter biddinghertobeseated,hedirectedsomebreadandwinetobegiventoher;aIter which,turningroundtotheman,hesaid,"AtwhattimedidIorderyoutoopenand read a paper directed to me? or to reIuse a letter Irom any one? Hark you, sirrah, you havebeenadmonishedbymeIordrunkenness,idleness,andotherIaults;butsinceI havediscoveredyourinhumandisposition,ImustdismissyouIrommyservice:so pull oII your clothes, take your wages, and let me hear no more oI you." PUBLIC ABSURDI1IES IA IRELAAD Among the public absurdities in Ireland, SwiIt notices the insurance oIIice against Iire; the proIits oI which to the amount oI several thousand pounds, were annually remitted toEngland."For,"observeshe,"asiIwecouldwellsparethemoney,thesociety-marks upon our houses spread Iaster and Iurther than the colony oI Irogs; and we are not only indebted to England Ior the materials to light our own Iires, but Ior engines to put them out." SWIF1'S PECULIARI1Y OF HUMOR TriIles become oI some consequence when connected with a great name, or when they throw any light on a distinguished character. Spence thus relates a story told by Pope: "Dr. SwiIt had an odd blunt way that is mistaken by strangers Ior ill nature. It is so odd that there is no describing it but by Iacts. I'll tell you one that Iirst comes into my head. OneeveningGayandIwenttoseehim:youknowhowintimatelywewereall acquainted.Onourcomingin,"Hey-day,gentlemen(saystheDoctor),what'sthe 12 age | 12 meaning oI this visit? How came you to leave all the Lords that you are so Iond oI, to come here to see a poor Dean?" "Because we would rather see you than any oI them." "Ay, any one that did not know you so well as I do, might believe you. But since you arecome,ImustgetsomesupperIoryou,Isuppose.""No,Doctor,wehavesupped already.""Suppedalready,that'simpossible!whyitisnoteighto'clockyet.That's very strange!But, iIyou had not supped, Imust havegot something Ioryou.Let me see what should I have had? A couple oI lobsters; ay, that would have done very well; two shillings: tarts, a shilling. But you will drink a glass oI wine with me, though you supped so much beIore your usual time only to spare my pocket." "No, we had rather talkwithyou than drinkwithyou." "But iIyou had suppedwith me, asin all reason yououghttohavedone,youmustthenhavedrankwithme.AbottleoIwine,two shillingstwo and two is Iour, and one is Iive; just two and sixpence a piece. There, Pope,there'shalI-a-crownIoryou;andthere'sanotherIoryou,Sir;IorIwon'tsave anythingbyyou,Iamdetermined."Thiswasallsaidanddonewithhisusual seriousness on such occasions; and in spite oI everything we could say to the contrary, he actually obliged us to take the money." DR. BOL1OA. Dr.TheophilusBoltonwasnotonlyalearneddivine,butaveryIinegentleman.His merit as a preacher was so eminent that it was early rewarded with a mitre. SwiIt went tocongratulatehimontheoccasion,whenheobservedthatashislordshipwasa nativeoIIreland,andhadnowaseatintheHouseoIPeers,hehopedhewould employ his eloquence in the service oI his distressed country. The prelate told him the bishopric was but a very small one, and he could not hope Ior a better iI he disobliged the court. "Very well," said SwiIt; "then it is to be hoped when you have a better you willbecomeanhonestman.""Ay,thatIwill,Mr.Dean.""Tillthen,mylord, Iarewell,"answeredSwiIt.Theprelatewassoontranslatedtoarichersee,onwhich occasionSwiItcalledtoremindhimoIhispromise;buttonopurpose:therewasan arch-bishopric inview, and till thatwas obtained nothing could be done. Havingin a Iewyearsattainedthisobjectlikewise,hethenwaitedontheDean,andtoldhim,"I amnowatthetopoImypreIerment,IorIwellknowthatnoIrishmanwilleverbe madeprimate;thereIore,asIcanrisenohigherinIortuneorstation,Iwillmost zealously promote the good oI my country." From that he became a most active patriot 1HE SCRIBLERUS CLUB BeIoreSwiItretiredtoIreland,Mr.Pope,Dr.Arbuthnot,Mr.Gay,Mr.Parnell,Mr. Jervas,andSwiItIormedthemselvesintoasocietycalledtheScriblerusClub.They wroteagoodmanythingsinconjunction,and,accordingtoGoldsmith,Gaywas usuallytheamanuensis.TheconnectionbetweenthesewitsadvancedtheIameand interestoIthemall.TheysubmittedtheirseveralproductionstothereviewoItheir 13 age | 13 Iriends, and readily adopted alterations dictated by taste and judgment, unmixedwith envy, or any sinister motive. When the members oI the Scriblerus Club were in town, they were generally together, andoItenmadeexcursionsintothecountry.TheygenerallypreIerredwalkingto riding, and all agreed once to walk down to Lord Burlington's about twelve miles Irom town. It was SwiIt's custom in whatever company he might visit to travel, to endeavor to procure the best bed Ior himselI. To secure that, on the present occasion, SwiIt, who was an excellent walker, proposed, as they were leaving town, that each should make the best oI his way. Dr. Parnell, guessing the Dean's intentions, pretended to agree; but as his Iriend was out oI sight, he took a horse, and arrived at his Lordship's by another way, beIore SwiIt. Having acquainted his noble host with the other's design, he begged oIhimtodisappointit.ItwasresolvedthatSwiItshouldbekeptoutoIthehouse. SwiIt had never had the small-pox, and was, as all his Iriends knew, very much aIraid oIcatchingthatdistemper.Aservantwasdespatchedtomeethimashewas approaching the gate, and to tell him that the small-pox was raging in the house, that it wouldbeunsaIeIorhimtoenterthedoors,butthattherewasaIield-bedinthe summer house in the garden, at his service. Thither the Dean was under the necessity oI betaking himselI. He was Iorced to be content with a cold supper, whilst his Iriends, whomhehadtriedtooutstrip,wereIeastinginthehouse.AtlastaItertheythought theyhadsuIIicientlypunishedhistooeagerdesireIorhisownaccommodation,they requestedhislordshiptoadmithimintothecompany.TheDeanwasobligedto promise he would not aIterwards, when with his Iriends, attempt to secure the best bed tohimselI.SwiItwasoItenthebuttoItheirwaggery,whichheborewithgreatgood humor, knowing well, that though they laughed at his singularities, they esteemed his virtues,admiredhiswit,andveneratedhiswisdom.ManyweretheIrolicsoIthe ScriblerusClub.TheyoItenevincedthetruthoIanobservationmadebythepoet, "dulce est desipere i3 loco." The time Iorwits to play the Iool,iswhen they aremet together,torelaxIromtheseverityoImentalexertion.TheirIollieshaveadegreeoI extravagancemuchbeyondthephlegmaticmerrimentoIsoberdulness,andcanbe relishedbythoseonly,whohavingwitthemselves,cantracethe extravagancetothe realsource.ThissocietycareIullyabstainedIromtheirIrolicsbeIorethestupidand ignorant,knowingthatonnooccasionoughtawisemantoguardhiswordsand actions more than when in the company oI Iools. How long the Scriblerus Club lasted is not exactly ascertained, or whether it existed during the intimacy between SwiIt and Addison, previous to the Doctor's connection with the Tory ministry. 1HE UPS1AR1 Therewasonecharacterwhich,throughliIe,alwayskindledSwiIt'sindignation, the haughty,presumi3g,tyra33i:i3gupstart!ApersonoIthisdescriptionchancedto resideintheparishoILaracor.SwiItomittednoopportunityoIhumblinghispride; 14 age | 14 but, as he was as ignorant as insolent, he was obliged to accommodate the coarseness oI the lash to the callosity oI the back. The Iollowing lines have been Iound written by SwiIt upon this man:The rascal! that's too mild a name;Does he Iorget Irom whence he came;Has he Iorgot Irom whence he sprung;A mushroom in a bed oI dung;A maggot in a cake oI Iat,The oIIspringoIabeggar'sbrat.Aseelsdelighttocreepinmud,Toeelswemaycompare his blood;His blood in mud delights to run;Witness his lazy, lousy son!PuII'd up with pride andinsolence,Without agrain oI common sense,Seewithwhat consequence he stalks,Withwhatpomposityhetalks;SeehowthegapingcrowdadmireThestupid blockheadandtheliar.Howlongshallvicetriumphantreign?Howlongshallmortals bend to gain?How long shall virtue hide her Iace,And leave her votaries in disgrace?Let indignation Iire my strains,Another villain yet remainsLet purse-proud Cn next approach,Withwhat an air he mounts his coach!A cart would best become the knave,Adirtyparasiteandslave;Hisheartinpoisondeeplydipt,Histonguewithoily accents tipt,A smile still ready at command,The pliant bow, the Iorehead bland MEDI1A1IOA UPOA A BROOMS1ICK This single stick, which you now behold ingloriously lying in that neglected corner, I once knew in a Ilourishing state in a Iorest; it was Iull oI sap, Iull oI leaves, and Iull oI boughs: but now in vain does the busy art oI man pretend to vie with nature, by tying thatwitheredbundleoItwigstoitssaplesstrunk.Itisnowatbestbutthe reverseoI what itwas, a tree turned upside down, the branches on the earth, and the root in the air. It is now handled by every dirtywench, condemned to do her drudgery, and by a capriciouskindoIIate,destinedtomakeherthingsclean,andbenastyitselI.At length,wornouttothestumpsintheserviceoIthemaids,itiseitherthrownoutoI doors,orcondemnedtothelastuse,oIkindlingaIire.WhenIbeheldthis,Isighed and saidwithinmyselI, $urely, mortal ma3is a broomstick! Nature sent himinto the world strong and lusty, in a thriving condition,wearing his own hair on his head, the proper branches oI this reasoning vegetable, until the axe oI intemperance has lopped oII his green boughs, and leIt him a withered trunk: he then Ilies to art, and puts on a periwig,valuing himselI upon an unnaturalbundle oI hairs, all coveredwithpowder, that never grew upon his head; but now, should this, our broomstick, pretend to enter thescene,proudoIthosebirchenspoilsitneverbore,andallcoveredwithdust, thoughthesweepingsoItheIinestlady'schamber,weshouldbeapttoridiculeand despise its vanity. Partial judges that we are oI our own excellencies, and other men's deIaults! Buta broomstick,perhapsyouwillsay,isanemblemoIatreestandingonitshead; andpraywhatismanbutatopsy-turvycreature,hisanimalIacultiesperpetually mountedonhisrational,hisheadwherehisheelsshouldbe,grovelingontheearth! andyet,withallhisIaults,hesetsuptobeauniversalreIormerandcorrectoroI 13 age | 13 abuses,aremoveroIgrievances,**sharingdeeplyallthewhileintheverysame pollutions he pretends to sweep away: his last days are spent in slavery to women, and generallytheleastdeserving;tillworntothestumpslikehisbrotherbesom,heis eitherkickedoutoIdoors,ormadeuseoItokindleIlamesIorotherstowarm themselves by. COSSIAC A DOC. Inahumorouspaperwrittenin1732,entitled,"AnExaminationoIcertainAbuses, Corruptions,andEnormitiesinthecityoIDublin,"SwiItmentionsthisdiversion, which he ludicrously enough applies to the violent persecutions oI the political parties oItheday.Theceremonywasthis:AstrangedoghappenstopassthroughaIlesh market;whereuponanexpertbutcherimmediatelycriesinaloudvoiceandproper tone, coss, coss, several times. The same word is repeated by the people. The dog, who perIectlyunderstandsthetermsoIart,andconsequentlythedangerheisin, immediatelyIlies.Thepeople,andevenhisownbrotheranimals,pursue:thepursuit and cry attend him perhaps halI a mile; he is well worried in his Ilight; and sometimes hardly escapes. "This," adds SwiIt, "our ill-wishers oI the Jacobite kind are pleased to call a persecution; and aIIirm, that it always Ialls upon dogs oI theTory principles." 1RADE OF IRELAAD SwiItbeingonedayatasheriIIsIeast,amongothertoaststhechairmancalledout, "Mr. Dean, the Trade oI Ireland." The Dean answered, "Sir,dri3k 3o memories." The idea oI the answerwas evidently taken IromBishop Brown'sbook against "Drinking the Memories oI the dead," which had just then appeared, and made much noise. A BECCAR'S WEDDIAC. As SwiIt was Iond oI scenes in low liIe, he missed no opportunity oI being present at themwhentheyIellinhisway.Oncewhenhewasinthecountry,hereceived intelligencethattherewastobeabeggar'sweddingintheneighborhood.Hewas resolvednottomisstheopportunityoIseeingsocuriousaceremony;andthathe might enjoy the whole completely, proposed to Dr. Sheridan that he should go thither disguised as a blind Iiddler, with a bandage over his eyes, and he would attend him as his man to lead him. Thus accoutred, they reached the scene oI action, where the blind Iiddler was received with joyIul shouts. They had plenty oI meat and drink, and plied theIiddlerandhismanwithmorethanwasagreeabletothem.Neverwasamore joyIul wedding seen. They sung, they danced, told their stories, cracked jokes, &c., in aveinoIhumormoreentertainingtothetwogueststhantheyprobablycouldhave Iound in any other meeting on alike occasion. When theywere about to depart, they pulledouttheleatherpouches,andrewardedtheIiddlerveryhandsomely.Thenext daytheDeanandtheDoctorwalkedoutintheirusualdress,andIoundtheir 16 age | 16 companions oI the preceding evening scattered about in diIIerent parts oI the road and the neighboringvillage, all begging their charityin doleIul strains, and telling dismal stories oI their distress. Among these they Iound some upon crutches, who had danced very nimbly at the wedding, others stone-blind, who were perIectly clear-sighted at the Ieast.TheDoctordistributedamongthemthemoneywhichhehadreceivedashis pay; but the Dean, who mortally hated these sturdy vagrants, rated them soundly; told theminwhatmannerhehadbeenpresentatthewedding,andwasletintotheir roguery; and assured them, iI they did not immediately apply to honest labor, he would have them taken up and sent to gaol.Whereupon the lame oncemore recovered their legs, and the blind their eyes, so as to make a very precipitate retreat. 1HE PIES SwiIt,inpassingthroughthecountyoICavan,calledatahomelybuthospitable house, where he knew he should be well received. The Lady BountiIul oI the mansion, rejoiced to have so distinguished a guest, runs up to him, and with great eagerness and Ilippancy asks him what he will have Ior dinner. "Will you have an apple-pie, sir? Will youhaveagooseberry-pie,sir?Willyouhaveacherry-pie,sir?Willyouhavea currant-pie, sir? Will you have a plum-pie, sir? Will you have a pigeon-pie, sir?" "Any pie, madam, but a magpie." SHOR1 CHARI1Y SERMOA The Dean once preached a charity sermon in St. Patrick's Cathedral, Dublin, the length oIwhichdisgustedmanyoIhisauditors;which,comingtohisknowledge,andit Ialling to his lot soon aIter to preach another sermon oI the like kind in the same place, he took special care to avoid Ialling into the Iormer error. His text was, "He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the Lord, and that which he hath given will he pay him again." TheDean, aIter repeating his text in a more than commonly emphatical tone, added,"Now,mybelovedbrethren,youhearthetermsoIthisloan;iIyoulikethe security, downwithyour dust." The quaintness and brevity oI the sermon produced a very large contribution. A COUR1IER'S RE1OR1 WhiletheprosecutionIortheDraper'sIourthletterwasdepending,SwiItoneday waitedattheCastleIoranaudienceoILordCarteret,theLordLieutenant,tillhis patience was exhausted; upon which he wrote the Iollowing couplet on a window, and went away: "My very good Lord, 'tis a very hard task,For a man to wait here who has nothing to ask." 17 age | 17 TheEarl,uponthisbeingshowntohim,immediatelywrotetheIollowinganswer underneath: "My very good Dean, there are Iew who come here,But have something to ask, or something to Iear." LYIAC SwiItcouldnotbeartohaveanyliestoldhim,whichhisnaturalshrewdnessand knowledge oI the world generally enabled him to detect; and when the party attempted topalliatethem,hisusualreplywas"Come,come,don'tattempttodarnyour cobwebs." DR. SACHEJERELL Some time aIter the expiration oI Dr.Sacheverell's punishment, having been silenced three years Irom preaching, and his sermon ordered to be burned, the ministry treated himwithgreatindiIIerence,andheappliedinvainIorthevacantrectoryoISt. Andrew's, Holborn.Having, however, a slender acquaintancewithSwiIt, hewrote to him Ior his interestwith governmentin hisbehalI, stating howmuchhe had suIIered in the cause oI the ministry. SwiIt immediately carried his letter to Lord Bolingbroke, thenSecretaryoIState,whorailedmuchatSacheverell,callinghimabusy intermeddlingIellow;aprigandanincendiary,whohadsetthekingdominaIlame whichcouldnotbeextinguished,andthereIoredeservedcensureinsteadoIreward. AlthoughSwiIthadnotamuchbetteropinionoItheDoctorthanLordBolingbroke, hereplied,"True,myLord;butletmetellyouastory.InaseaIightinthereignoI CharlestheSecond,therewasaverybloodyengagementbetweentheEnglishand Dutch Ileets, in the heat oI which a Scotch sea-man was very severely bit by a louse on his neck,whichhe caught; and stoopingdown to crackit between his nails,many oI the sailors near him had their heads taken oII by a chain-shot Irom the enemy,which dashed their blood and brains about him; on which he had compassion upon the poor louse,returnedhimtohisplaceandbidhimlivethereatdiscretion,Iorashehad savedhisliIe,hewasboundingratitudetosavehis."ThisrecitalthrewmyLord BolingbrokeintoaviolentIitoIlaughing,who,whenitwasover,said,"Thelouse shall have the living Ior your story." And soon aIter Sacheverell was presented to it. 1AXIAC 1HE AIR LadyCarteret,wiIeoItheLordLieutenant,saidtoSwiIt,"TheairoIIrelandisvery excellent and healthy." "For God's sake, madam," said SwiIt, "don't say so in England; Ior iI you do, they will certainly tax it." 18 age | 18 WISDOM Wisdom (said the Dean) is a fox, who, aIter long hunting, will at last cost you the pains to dig out: it is a cheese, which, by how much the richer, has the thicker, the homelier, and the coarser coat, andwhereoI to a judicious palate the maggots are the best; it is a sack-posset,whereinthedeeperyougoyouwillIinditthesweeter.Wisdomis a he3, whose cackling we must value and consider, because it is attended with an egg; butthen,lastly,itisa 3ut,which,unlessyouchoosewithjudgment,maycostyoua tooth, and pay you with nothing but a worm. EPI1APH OA 1UDCE BOA1. Here lies Judge Boat within a coIIin,Pray, gentleIolks, Iorbear your scoIIin';A Boat a judge! yes, where's the blunderA woode3 Judge is no such wonder!And in his robes you must agree,No Boat was better dekt than he.'Tis needless to describe him Iuller,In short he was an able sculler. OA S1EPHEA DUCK, 1HE 1HRESHER AAD FAJORI1E POE1 The thresher Duck could o'er the Queen prevail,The proverb says, "3o fe3ce agai3st a flail."From threshi3g corn he turns to thresh his brai3s,For which her Majesty allows him gains.Though 'tis conIest, that those who ever sawHis poems, think them all not worth a STRAW! Thrice happy Duck, employed in threshing stubble,Thy toil is lessen'd and thy proIits double. DIALOCUE BE1WEEA SWIF1 AAD HIS LAADLORD ThethreetownsoINavan,Kells,andTrim,whichlayinSwiIt'srouteonhisIirst journeytoLaracor,seemtohavedeeplyarrestedhisattention,Iorhehasbeen IrequentlyheardtospeakoIthebeautiIulsituationoItheIirst,theantiquityoIthe second, and the time-shaken towers oI the third. There were three inns in Navan, each oIwhichclaimstothisdaythehonoroIhavingentertainedDr.SwiIt.Itisprobable thathedinedatoneoIthem,IoritiscertainthathesleptatKells,inthehouseoI JonathanBelcher,aLeicestershireman,whohadbuilttheinninthattownonthe Englishmodel,whichstillexists,and,inpointoIcapaciousnessandconvenience, wouldnotdisgracetheIirstroadinEngland.Thehost,whetherstruckbythe commanding sternness oI SwiIt's appearance, or Irom natural civility, showed him into the best room, and waited himselI at table. The attention oI Belcher seems to have won soIaruponSwiItastohaveproducedsomeconversation."You'reanEnglishman, Sir?"saidSwiIt."Yes,Sir.""Whatisyourname?""JonathanBelcher,Sir.""An Englishman and Jonathan too, in the town oI Kellswho would have thought it! What broughtyoutothiscountry?""IcamewithSirThomasTaylor,Sir;andIbelieveI 19 age | 19 couldreckonIiItyJonathansinmyIamily,Sir.""ThenyouareamanoIIamily?" "Yes, Sir; I have Iour sons and three daughters by one mother, a good woman oI true Irishmould.""HaveyoubeenlongoutoIyournativecountry?""Thirtyyears,Sir." "Do you ever expect to visit it again?" "Never." "Can you say that without a sigh?" "I can, Sir; my Iamily is my country!" "Why, Sir, you are a better philosopher than those whohavewrittenvolumesonthesubject.ThenyouarereconciledtoyourIate?""I oughttobeso;Iamveryhappy;Ilikethepeople,and,thoughIwasnotbornin Ireland, I'll die in it and that's the same thing." SwiIt paused in deep thought Ior near a minute, and then with much energy repeated the Iirst line oI the preamble oI the noted IrishstatutepsisHiber3isHiber3iores'"(TheE3glish)aremorerishtha3the rish themselves." ROCER COX WhatperhapscontributedmorethananythingtoSwiIt'senjoyment,wastheconstant IundoIamusementheIoundintheIacetioushumorandoddityoItheparishclerk, Roger Cox. Roger was originally a hatter in the town oI Cavan, trot, being oI a lively jovial temper, and Ionder oI setting the Iire-side oI a village alehouse in a roar, over a tankard oI ale or a bowl oI whiskey, with his Ilashes oI merriment and jibes oI humor, than pursuing the dull routine oI business to which Iate had Iixed him, wisely Iorsook itIorthehonorableIunctionoIaparishclerk,whichheconsideredasanoIIice appertaining in some wise to ecclesiastical dignity; since by wearing a band, no small partoItheornamentoItheProtestantclergy,hethoughthemightnotunworthilybe deemed,asitwere,"ashredoftheli3e3vestme3tofAaro3."NorwasRogeroneoI thoseworthyparishclerkswhocouldbeaccusedoImerelyhummingthepsalms through the nostrils as a sack-butt, but much oItener instructed and amused his Iellow-parishionerswiththeamorousdittiesoIthe aiti3gMaidsame3tatio3,oroneoI those national songs which awake the remembrance oI glorious deeds, and make each manburnwiththeenthusiasmoItheconqueringhero.Withthisjocundcompanion SwiItrelievedthetediousnessoIhislonesomeretirement;nordidtheeasyIreedom whichheindulgedwithRogereverleadhishumbleIriendbeyondtheboundsoI decorum and respect. Roger's dress was not the least extraordinary Ieature oI his appearance. He constantly woreaIull-trimmedscarletwaistcoatoImostuncommondimensions,alightgrey coat,whichaltogethergavehimanairoIsingularityandwhimasremarkableashis character. To repeat all the anecdotes and witticisms which are recorded oI the proliIic genius oI Roger in the simple annals oI Laracor, would Iill a little volume. He died at the good old age oI ninety. 20 age | 20 Soon aIter SwiIt's arrival at Laracor, he gave public notice that he would read prayers everyWednesdayandFriday.OntheIirstoIthosedaysaIterhehadsummonedhis congregation, he ascended the desk, and aIter sitting some timewith no other auditor thanhisclerkRoger,heroseupandwithacomposureandgravitythat,uponthis occasion,wereirresistiblyridiculous,began"DearlybelovedRoger,theScripture moveth you and me in sundry places," and so proceeded to the end oI the service. The story is not quite complete. But the Iact is, that when he went into the church he Iound Roger alo3e, and exclaimed with evident surprise, "hat, Roger' 3o3e here but you?" "Yes, sir," replied Roger drily (turning over the book to Iind the lessons, Ior the day), "sure you are here too." ROCER AAD 1HE POUL1RY. There happened, whileSwiItwas at Laracor, the sale oI a Iarm and stock, the Iarmer being dead. SwiIt chanced to walk past during the auction just as a pen oI poultry had been put up. Roger bid Ior them, andwas overbid by a Iarmer oI the name oI Hatch. "What, Roger,won'tyou buy the poultry?"exclaimedSwiIt. "No, sir," said Roger, "I see they are fust agoi3g to Hatch." KELLY 1HE BLACKSMI1H AlthoughRogertookthelead,hedidnotmonopolizeallthewit,oItheparish.It happenedthatSwiIt,havingbeendiningatsomelittledistanceIromLaracor,was returninghomeonhorsebackintheevening,whichwasprettydark.JustbeIorehe reached Kellistown, a neighboringvillage, his horse lost a shoe. Unwilling to run the riskoIlamingtheanimalbycontinuinghisrideinthatcondition,hestoppedatone Kelly's, the blacksmith oI the village, where, having called the man, he asked him iI he couldshoeahorsewitha ca3dle."No,"repliedthesmuttysonoIVulcan,"butIcan witha hammer."SwiIt,struckwiththereply,determinedtohavealittlemore conversationwithhim.Accordingly,healightedandwentintothecabin,whichwas literallyrotten,butsupported,whereverithadgivenwayatdiIIerenttimes,with piecesoItimber.SwiIt,aswasusualwithhim,begantoratepoorKellysoundlyIor his indolencein notgetting his house put into better repair, inwhich thewiIe joined. "Hold, Doctor, Ior one moment!" exclaimed Kelly, "and tell me, whether you ever saw a rotte3 house better supported in all your liIe." BIR1H-DAY PRESEA1S It was Ior many years a regular custom with SwiIt's most intimate Iriends to make him some presents on his birth day. On that occasion, 30th November, 1732,Lord Orrery presented him with a paper book, Iinely bound, and Dr Delany with a silver standish, accompanied with the Iollowing verses; 21 age | 21 1O DR. SWIF1, WI1H A PAPER BOOK, BY 1OHA, EARL OF ORRERY To thee, Dear SwiIt, those spotless leaves I send;Small is the present, but sincere the Iriend.Think not so poor a book below thy care;Who knows the price that thou canst make it bear?Tho' tawdry now, and like Tyralla's Iace,The spacious Iront shines out with borrow'd grace;Tho' pasteboards, glitt'ring like a tinsell'd coat,A rasa tabula within denote;Yet iI a venal and corrupted age,And modern vices should provoke thy rage;II, warn'd once more by their impending Iate,A sinking country and an injured stateThy great assistance should again demand,And call Iorth Reason to deIend the land;Then shall we view these sheets with glad surpriseInspired with thought, and speaking to our eyes:Each vacant space shall then, enrich'd, dispenseTrue Iorce oI eloquence and nervous sense;InIorm the judgment, animate the heart,And sacred rules oI policy impart.The spangled cov'ring, bright with splendid ore,Shall cheat the sight with empty show no more;But lead us inward to those golden mines,Where all thy soul in native lustre shines. So when the eye surveys some lovely Iair,With bloom oI beauty, graced with shape and air,How is the rapture heightened when we IindThe Iorm excelled by her celestial mind! JERSES LEF1 WI1H A SILJER S1AADISH OA 1HE DEAA'S DESK, BY DR. DELAAY. Hither Irom Mexico I came,To serve a proud Iernian dame;Was long submitted to her will,At length she lost me at Quadrille.Through various shapes I oIten passed,Still hoping to have rest at last;And still ambitious to obtainAdmittance to the patriot Dean;And sometimes got within his door,But soon turn'd out to serve the poor;Not strolling idleness to aid,But honest industry decay'd.At length an artist purchased me,And wrought me to the shape you see.This done, to Hermes I applied:"O Hermes! gratiIy my pride!Be it my Iate to serve a sage,The greatest genius oI his age;That matchless pen let me supply,Whose living lines will never die!""I grant your suit," the god replied,And here he leIt me to reside. JERSES BY SWIF1, OA 1HE OCCASIOA. A paper Book is sent by Boyle,Too neatly gilt Ior me to soil:Delany sends a Silver Standish,When I no more a pen can brandish. Let both around my tomb be placed,As trophies oI a muse deceas'd:And let the Iriendly lines they writ,In praise oI long departed wit,Be graved on either side in 22 age | 22 columns,More to my praise than all my volumes;To burst with envy, spite, and rage,The Vandals oI the present age. 1HE DEAA'S COA1RIBU1ORY DIAAER DeanSwiItonceinvitedtodinnerseveraloItheIirstnoblemenandgentlemenin Dublin. A servant announced the dinner, and the Dean led the way to the dining-room. To each chair was a servant, a bottle oI wine, a roll, and an inverted plate. On taking hisseat,theDeandesiredthegueststoarrangethemselvesaccordingtotheirown ideasoIprecedence,andIallto.ThecompanywereastonishedtoIindthetable withoutadishoranyprovisions.TheLordChancellor,whowaspresent,said,"Mr. Dean, we do not see the joke." "Then I will show it you," answered the Dean, turning uphisplate,underwhichwashalI-a-crownandabilloIIareIromaneighboring tavern. "Here, sir," said he, to his servant, "bring me a plate oI goose." The company caught the idea, and each man sent his plate and halI-a-crown. Covers, with everything that the appetites oI the moment dictated, soon appeared. The novelty, the peculiarity oI the manner, and the unexpected circumstances, altogether excited the plaudits oI the nobleguests,whodeclaredthemselvesparticularlygratiIiedbytheDean's entertainment."Well,"saidtheDean,"gentlemen,iIyouhavedined,Iwill orderdessert."AlargerolloIpaper,presentingtheparticularsoIasplendiddinner, wasproduced,withanestimateoIexpense.TheDeanrequestedtheaccountant-generaltodeductthehalI-crownsIromtheamount,observing,"thatashisnoble guestswerepleasedtoexpresstheirsatisIactionwiththedinner,hebeggedtheir adviceandassistanceindisposingoIthe fragme3ts and crumbs,"ashetermedthe balancementionedbytheaccountant-generalwhichwastwohundredandIiIty pounds.Thecompanysaid,thatnopersonwascapableoIinstructingtheDeanin thingsoIthatnature.AIterthecirculationoItheIinestwines,themostjudicious remarksoncharityanditsabusewereintroduced,anditwasagreedthattheproper objectsoIliberalrelieIwerewell-educatedIamilies,whoIromaIIluence,orthe expectationoIit,werereducedthroughmisIortunetosilentdespair.TheDeanthen dividedthesumbythenumberoIhisguests,andaddressedthemaccordingtotheir respectiveprivatecharacters,withwhichnoonewas,perhaps,betteracquainted. "You,myLords,"saidtheDeantoseveralyoungnoblemen,"Iwishtointroduceto some new acquaintance, who will at least make their acknowledgment Ior your Iavors withsincerity.You,myreverendLords,"addressingthebishopspresent,"adhereso closely to the spirit oI theScriptures, thatyour leIt hands areliterallyignorant oI the beneIicence oI your right. You, my Lord oI Kildare, and the two noble lords near you, IwillnotentrustwithanypartoIthismoney,asyouhavebeenlongin the usurious habitsoIlendingyourownonsuchoccasions;butyourassistance,my Lord oI Kerry, I must entreat, as charity covereth a multitude oI sins." 23 age | 23 SWIF1 AAD BE11ESWOR1H. Dean SwiIt having taken a strong dislike to Sergeant Bettesworth, revenged himselI by the Iollowing lines in one oI his poems: So at the bar the booby Bettesworth,Tho' halI-a-crown outpays his sweat's worth,Who knows in law nor text nor margent,Calls Singleton his brother sergeant. The poem was sent to Bettesworth, when he was in company with some oI his Iriends. Hereaditaloud,tillhehadIinishedthelinesrelatingtohimselI.HethenIlungit downwithgreatviolence, trembled and turned pale.AIter some pause, his rage Ior a while depriving him oI utterance, he took out his penkniIe, and swore he would cut oII theDean'searswithit.SoonaIterhewenttoseektheDeanathishouse;andnot Iinding him at home, Iollowed him to a Iriend's, where he had an interview with him. Uponenteringtheroom,SwiItdesiredtoknowhiscommands."Sir,"sayshe,"Iam Sergeant Bet-tes-worth;" in his usual pompous way oI pronouncing his name in three distinct syllables. "OI what regiment, pray?" says SwiIt. "O, Mr. Dean, we know your powers oI raillery; you know me well enough, that I am one oI his majesty's sergeants-at-law." "What then, sir?" "Why then, sir, I am come to demand oI you,whether you are the author oI this poem (producing it), and the villanous lines on me?" at the same timereadingthemaloudwithgreatvehemenceoIemphasis,andmuchgesticulation. "Sir," said SwiIt, "it was a piece oI advice given me in my early days by Lord Somers, nevertoownordisownanywritinglaidtomycharge;because,iIIdidthisinsome cases,whateverIdidnotdisownaIterwardswouldinIalliblybeimputedtomeas mine. Now, sir, I take this to have been a very wise maxim, and as such have Iollowed it ever since; and I believe it will hardly be in the power oI all your rhetoric, as great a master as you are oI it, to make me swerve Irom that rule." Bettesworth replied, "Well, since you will give me no satisIaction in this aIIair, let me tell you, that your gown is alone your protection," and then leIt the room. ThesergeantcontinuingtoutterviolentthreatsagainsttheDean,therewasan association Iormed and signed by all the principal inhabitants oI the neighborhood, to stand by and support their generous beneIactor against any one who should attempt to oIIer the least injury to his person or Iortune. Besides, the public indignation became so strong against the sergeant, that although he had made a considerable Iigure at the bar, he now lost his business, and was seldom employed in any suit aIterwards. SWIF1 AMOAC 1HE LAWYERS Dean SwiIt having preached an assize sermon in Ireland, was invited to dine with the Judges;andhavinginhissermonconsideredtheuseandabuseoIthelaw,hethen pressedalittleharduponthosecounsellors,whopleadcauseswhichtheyknewin their consciences to be wrong. When dinner was over, and the glass began to go round, 24 age | 24 a young barrister retorted upon the dean; and aIter several altercations, the counsellor askedhim,"IIthedevilwastodie,whethera parso3 mightnotbeIound,who,Ior money, would preach his Iuneral?" "Yes," said SwiIt, "I would gladly be the man, and I would then give the devil his due, as I have this day done his childre3." PREACHIAC PA1RIO1ISM Dean SwiIt is said to have jocularly remarked, that he never preached but twice in his liIe, and then they were not sermons, but pamphlets. Being asked, upon what subject? hereplied,theywereagainstWood'shalIpence.OneoIthesesermonshasbeen preserved,andisIromthistext,"Aswehavetheopportunity,letusdogoodtoall men." Its object was to show the great want oI public spirit in Ireland, and to enIorce thenecessityoIpractisingthatvirtue."IconIess,"saidhe,"itwaschieIlythe consideration oI the great danger we are in, which engaged me to discourse to you on this subject, to exhort you to a love oI your country, and a public spirit, when all you haveisatstake;topreIertheinterestoIyourprinceandyourIellowsubjectsbeIore that oI one destructive impostor, and a Iew oI his adherents." "Perhaps it may be thought by some, that this way oI discoursing is not so proper Irom thepulpit;butsurelywhenanopenattemptismade,andIarcarriedon,tomakea great kingdom one large poor-house; to deprive us oI all means to excite hospitality or charity;toturnourcitiesandchurchesintoruins;tomakethiscountryadesertIor wild beasts and robbers; to destroy all arts and sciences, all trades andmanuIactures, and thevery tillage oI theground, only to enrich oneobscure ill-designing projector, andhisIollowers;itistimeIorthepastortocryoutthatthewolIisgettingintohis Ilock, to warn them to stand together, and all to consult the common saIety. And God be praised Ior his inIinite goodness, in raising such a spirit oI union among us at least in this point, in the midst oI all our Iormer divisions; which union, iI it continues, will in all probability deIeat the pernicious design oI this pestilent enemy to the nation." Itwillscarcelybecredited,thatthisdreadIuldescription,whenstrippedoIits exaggerations,meantnomorethanthatIrelandmightloseaboutsixthousandayear during Wood's patent Ior coining halIpence! SWIF1 AAD HIS BU1LER During the publication oI the Drapers Letters, SwiIt was particularly careIul to conceal himselI Irom beingknown as the author. The only persons in the secret, wereRobert Blakely,hisbutler,whomheemployedasanamanuensis,andDr.Sheridan.It happened, that on the very evening beIore the proclamation, oIIering a reward oI 300 Ior discovering the author oI these letters, was issued, Robert Blakely stopped out later thanusualwithouthismaster'sleave.Thedeanorderedthedoortobelockedatthe accustomed hour, and shut him out. The next morning the poor Iellow appeared beIore 23 age | 23 hismasterwithmarksoIgreatcontrition.SwiItwouldhearnoexcuses,butabusing him severely, bade him strip oII his livery,and quit the house instantly. "What!" said he, "is it because I am in your power that you dare to take these liberties with me? get out oI my house, and receive the reward oI your treachery." Mrs.Johnson(Stella),whowasatthedeanery,didnotinterIere,butimmediately dispatched amessenger to Dr.Sheridan,who on his arrival Iound Robertwalkingup and down the hall in great agitation. The doctor bade him not be uneasy, as he would try to paciIy the dean, so that he should continue in his place. "That is not what vexes me," replied Robert, "though to be sure I should be sorry to lose so good a master; but what grievesme to the soul, is, that my master should have so bad an opinion oI me, as to suppose me capable oI betraying him Ior any rewardwhatever."When thiswas related to the dean, he was so struck with the honor and generosity oI sentiment, which it exhibited in one so humble in liIe, that he immediately restored him to his situation, and was not long in rewarding his Iidelity. The place oI verger to the cathedral becoming vacant, SwiIt called Robert to him, and asked him iI he had any clothes oI his own that were not a livery? Robert replying in the aIIirmative, he desired him to take oII his livery, and put them on. The poor Iellow, quiteastonished,beggedtoknowwhatcrimehehadcommitted,thathewastobe discharged. The dean bade him do as he was ordered; and when he returned in his new dress, the dean called all the other servants into the room, and told them that they were no longer to consider him as their Iellow-servant Robert, but as Mr. Blakely, verger oI St.Patrick'sCathedral;anoIIicewhichhehadbestowedonhimIorhisIaithIul services, and as a prooI oI that sure reward, which honesty and Iidelity would always obtain HIS SA1URAALIA Dean SwiIt, among other eccentricities, determined upon having a Ieast once a year, in imitation oI the Saturnalia in ancient Rome. In this project he engaged several persons oI rank, and his plan was put in execution at the deanery house. When all the servants were seated, and every gentleman placed behind his own servant, the Dean's Iootman, who presided, Iound Iault with some meat that was not done to his taste; and imitating his master on such occasions, threw it at him. But the Dean was either so mortiIied by thereprooI,orsoprovokedattheinsult,thatheIlewintoaviolentpassion,beatthe Iellow,anddispersedthewholeassembly.ThusabruptlyterminatedtheDean's Saturnalia. 1HE DEAA AAD FAULKAER GeorgeFaulkner,theDublinprinter,oncecalledonDeanSwiItonhisreturnIrom London, dressedin a rich coat oI silk brocade andgoldlace, and seeming not alittle 26 age | 26 proudoItheadorningoIhisperson:theDeandeterminedtohumblehim.Whenhe enteredtheroom,andsalutedtheDeanwithalltherespectIulIamiliarityoIanold acquaintance,theDeanaIIectednottoknowhim;invaindidhedeclarehimselIas GeorgeFaulkner,theDublinprinter;theDeandeclaredhimanimpostor,andatlast abruptly bade him begone. Faulkner, perceiving the error he had committed, instantly returnedhome,andresuminghisusualdress,againwenttotheDean,whenhewas very cordially received. "Ah, George," said he, "I am so glad to see you, Ior here has beenanimpudentcoxcomb,bedizenedinsilksandgoldlace,whowantedtopass himselIoIIIoryou;butIsoonsenttheIellowabouthisbusiness;IorIknewyouto be always a plain dressed and honest man, just as you now appe r beIore me." SWIF1, ARBU1HAO1, AAD PARAELL SwiIt,Arbuthnot,andParnell,takingtheadvantageoIaIineIrostymorning,setout togetheruponawalktoalittleplacewhichLordBathursthad,aboutelevenmiles Irom London.SwiIt, remarkable Ior being an old traveller, and Ior getting possession oI the best rooms andwarmest beds, pretended,when theywere about halIway, that he did not like the slowness oI their pace; adding, that he would walk on beIore them, and acquaint his lordship with their journey. To this proposal they readily agreed; but as soon as he was out oI sight, sent oII a horseman by a private way (suspecting their Iriend's errand), to inIorm his lordship oI their apprehensions. The man arrived in time enoughtodeliverhismessagebeIoreSwiItmadehisappearance.Hislordshipthen recollecting that the dean never had the small-pox, thought oI the Iollowing stratagem. Seeinghimcominguptheavenue,heranouttomeethim,andexpressedhis happiness at the sight oI him. "But I am mortiIied at one circumstance," continued his lordship,"asitmustdeprivemeoIthepleasureoIyourcompany;thereisaraging small-pox in the house: I beg, however, that you will accept oI such accommodation as a small house at the bottom oI the avenue can aIIord you." SwiIt was Iorced to comply withthisrequest:andinthissolitarysituation,IearIuloIspeakingtoanyperson aroundhim,hewasservedwithdinner.Intheevening,thewitsthoughtproperto release him, bygoing down to himin a body, toinIormhim oI the deception, and to tell him that the Iirst best room and bed in the house were at his service. SwiIt, though hemightbeinwardlychagrined,deemeditprudenttojoininthelaughagainst himselI;theyadjournedtothemansion-house,andspenttheeveninginamanner easily to be conceived by thosewho are in the least acquaintedwith the brilliancy oI their powers. DEAA SWIF1 AAD 1HE PREACHER WHO S1OLE HIS SERMOA The eccentric Dean SwiIt, in the course oI one oI those journies to Holyhead, which, it iswellknown,heseveraltimesperIormed o3foot,wastravellingthroughChurch Stretton, Shropshire, when he put up at the sign oI the Crown, and Iinding the host to be a communicative good-humored man, inquired iI there was any agreeable person in 27 age | 27 town, with whom he might partake oI a dinner (as he had desired him to provide one), and that such a person should have nothing to pay. The landlord immediately replied, that the curate, Mr. Jones, was a very agreeable, companionable man, andwould not, hesupposed,haveanyobjectiontospendaIewhourswithagentlemanoIhis appearance.TheDeandirectedhimtowaitonMr.Jones,withhiscompliments,and saythata travellerwouldbegladtobeIavoredwithhiscompanyattheCrown,iIit wasagreeable.WhenMr.JonesandtheDeanhaddined,andtheglassbeganto circulate,theIormermadeanapologyIoranoccasionalabsence,sayingthatat three o'clockhewastoreadprayersandpreachatthechurch.Uponthisintimation,the Deanreplied,thathealsoshouldattendprayers.Servicebeingended,andthetwo gentlemenhaving resumed their station at the Crown, the Dean began to compliment Mr.JonesonhisdeliveryoIaveryappropriatesermon;andremarked,thatitmust have cost him (Mr. Jones) some time and attention to compose such a one. Mr.Jonesobserved,thathisdutywasrather laborious,asheservedanotherparish churchatadistance;which,withtheSundayandweeklyserviceatChurchStretton, straitenedhimmuchwithrespecttothetimenecessaryIorthecompositionoI sermons;sothatwhenthesubjectspressed,hecouldonlydevoteaIewdaysand nights to that purpose. "Well," says theDean, "it iswell Ioryou to have such a talent; Ior mypart, the very sermon you preached this aIternoon, cost me some mo3ths in the composing." On this observation,Mr.Jonesbegantolookverygloomy,andtorecognizehiscompanion. "However,"rejoinedtheDean,"don'tyoubealarmed;youhavesogoodatalentat delivery, that I hereby declare, you have done more honor to my sermon this day, than I could domyselI;andbywayoIcompromisingthematter,youmustacceptoIthis halI-guinea Ior the justice you have done in the delivery oI it." SWIF1'S QUEER 1ES1IMOAIAL 1O HIS SERJAA1 DeanSwiIt, standing one morning at thewindow oI his study, observed adecent old womanoIIerapapertooneoIhisservants,whichtheIellowatIirstreIusedinan insolent and surly manner. The woman however pressed her suit with all the energy oI distress,andintheendprevailed.Thedean,whoseverysoulwascompassion,saw, Ielt,andwasdeterminedtoalleviatehermisery.HewaitedmostanxiouslyIorthe servant to bring the paper; but to his surprise and indignation, an hour elapsed, and the man did not present it. The dean again looked out. The day was cold and wet, and the wretchedpetitionerstillretainedhersituation,withmanyaneloquentandanxious lookatthehouse.Thebenevolentdivinelostallpatience,andwasgoingtoringthe bell,whenheobservedtheservantcrossthestreet,andreturnthepaperwiththe utmost sa3gfroid andindiIIerence.Thedeancouldbearnolonger;hethrewupthe sash,andloudlydemandedwhatthepapercontained."Itisapetition,pleaseyour reverence,"repliedthewoman."Bringitup,rascal!"criedtheenrageddean.The 28 age | 28 servant, surprised and petriIied, obeyed. With SwiIt, to know distress was to pity it; to pity to relieve. The poor woman was instantly made happy, and the servant almost as instantlyturnedoutoIdoors,withtheIollowingwrittentestimonialoIhisconduct. "The bearer lived two years in my service, in which time he was Irequently drunk and negligentoIhisduty;which,conceivinghimtobehonest,Iexcused;butatlast detectinghiminaIlagrantinstanceoIcruelty,Idischargehim."Suchwerethe consequencesoIthispaper,thatIorsevenyearstheIellowwasanitinerantbeggar; aIterwhichthedeanIorgavehim;andinconsequenceoIanotherpaperequally singular, he was hired by Mr. Pope, with whom he lived till eath removed him. SWIF1 A1 1HOMAS1OWA DeanSwiIthadheardmuchoIthehospitableIestivitiesoIThomastown,theseatoI Mr. Matthew (See Anecdotes oI Conviviality), Irom his Iriend Dr. Sheridan, who had been oIten, a welcomeguest, both on account oI his convivial qualities, and as being thepreceptoroIthenephewoIMr.Matthew.He,atlength,becamedesirousoI ascertainingwithhisowneyes,thetruthoIareport,whichhecouldnotIorbear considering asgreatly exaggerated. On receiving an intimation oI this Irom Sheridan, Mr.MatthewwroteapolitelettertotheDean,requestingthehonoroIavisit,in companywiththedoctor,athisnextschoolvacation.Theyaccordinglysetouton horseback, attended by a gentleman who was a near relation to Mr. Matthew. TheyhadscarcelyreachedtheinnwheretheyintendedtopasstheIirstnight,and which,likemostoItheIrishinnsatthattime,aIIordedbutmiserableentertainment, when they were surprised by the arrival oI a coach and six horses, sent to convey them the remainder oI the journey to Thomastown; and at the same time, bringing a supply oIthechoicestviands,wines,andotherliquors,IortheirreIreshment.SwiItwas highly pleased with this uncommon mark oI attention paid him; and the coach proved particularly acceptable, as he had been a good deal Iatigued with his day's journey. When they came in sight oI the house, the Dean, astonished at its magnitude, cried out, "What, in the name oI God, can be the use oI such a vast building?" "Why, Mr. Dean," replied the Iellow traveller beIore mentioned, "there are no less than Iorty apartments Iorguestsinthathouse,andalloIthemprobablyoccupiedatthistime,exceptwhat arereservedIorus."SwiIt,inhisusualmanner,calledouttothecoachman,tostop, anddrivehimbacktoDublin,IorhecouldnotthinkoImixingwithsuchacrowd. "Well,"saidhe,immediatelyaIterwards,"thereisnoremedy,Imustsubmit,butI have lost a Iortnight oI my liIe." Mr.MathewreceivedhimatthedoorwithuncommonmarksoIrespect;andthen conductinghimtohisapartments,aItersomecompliments,madehisusualspeech, acquainting him with the customs oI the house, and retired, leaving him in possession oIhiscastle.SoonaIter,thecookappearedwithhisbilloIIare,toreceivehis 29 age | 29 directions about supper; and the butler at the same time, with a list oI wines, and other liquors."Andisallthisreallyso?"saidSwiIt,"andmayIcommandhere,asinmy ownhouse?"Hiscompanionassuredhimhemight,andthatnothingcouldbemore agreeabletotheowneroIthemansion,thanthatallunderhisrooIshouldlive comIormablytotheirowninclinations,withouttheleastrestraint."Wellthen,"said SwiIt, "I inviteyou and Dr. Sheridan to be myguests, while I stay; Ior I think I shall scarcely be tempted to mix with the mob below." Threedayswerepassedinridingoverthedemesne,andviewingthevarious improvements,withouteverseeingMr.Mathew,oranyoItheguests;norwerethe companybelowmuchconcernedatthedean'sabsence,ashisverynameusually inspired those who did not know him, with awe; and they were aIraid that his presence wouldputanendtotheeaseandcheerIulnesswhichreignedamongthem.Onthe Iourth day, SwiIt entered the room where the company were assembled beIore dinner, andaddressedMr.Mathew,inastrainoIthehighestcompliment,expatiatingonall the beauties oI his improvements, with all the skill oI an artist, and with the taste oI a connoisseur.SuchanaddressIoramanoISwiIt'scharacter,couldnotIailoIbeing pleasing to the owner, who was, at the same time, the planner oI these improvements; andsoIineaneulogiumIromone,whowassupposedtodealmorelargelyinsatire, thanpanegyric,waslikelytoremovetheprejudiceentertainedagainsthischaracter, andprepossessedtherestoIthecompanyinhisIavor.Heconcludedhisspeechby saying: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, I am come to live among you, and it shall be no Iault oI mine, iI we do not pass our time agreeably." In a short time, all restraint on his account disappeared, he entered readily into all the little schemes Ior promoting mirth; and every day, with the assistance oI his coadjutor, produced some new one, which aIIorded a good deal oI sport and merriment. In short, neverweresuchjoyousscenesknowat,ThomastownbeIore.Whenthetimecame, whichobligedSheridantoreturntohisschool,thecompanyweresodelightedwith the dean, that they earnestly entreated him to remain there some time longer; and Mr. Mathew himselI Ior once broke through a rulewhich he observed, oI never soliciting thestayoIanyguest.SwiItIoundhimselIsohappy,thathereadilyyieldedtotheir solicitations;andinsteadoIaIortnight,passedIourmonthsthere,muchtohis satisIaction, and that oI all those who visited the place during that time. SWIF1'S LAS1 LIAES. In one oI those lucid intervals which varied the course oI SwiIt's unhappy lunacy, his guardiansorphysicianstookhimouttogivehimanairing.Whentheycametothe Phonix park, SwiIt remarked a new building which he had never seen, and asked what itwasdesignedIor?Dr.Kingsburyanswered,"That,Mr.Dean,isthemagazineIor arms and powder, Ior the security oI the city." "Oh! oh!" says the dean, pulling out his pocket-book,"letmetakeanitemoIthat.Thisisworthremarking;mytablets,as 30 age | 30 Hamletsays,mytabletsmemory,putdownthat."HethenproducedtheIollowing lines, being the last he ever wrote: Behold! a prooI oI Irish sense!Here Irish wit is seen,When nothing's leIt Ior our deIence,We build a magazine. The Dean then put up his pocket-book, laughing heartily at the conceit, and clenching it with, "AIter the steed's stolen, shut the stable door." OHN PHILPOT CURRAN. HIS BIR1H John Philpot Curran was born at Newmarket, a small village in the county oI Cork, on the24thoIJuly,1750.HisIather,JamesCurran,wasseneschaloIthemanor,and possessedoIaverymoderateincome.Hismotherwasaveryextraordinarywoman. Eloquentandwitty,shewasthedelightoIherneighbors,andtheirchronicleand arbitress.HerstorieswereoItheoldentime,andmadetheirwaytotheheartsoI the people,who delightedin herwit and the truly national humor oI her character.Little Curranusedtohangwithecstasyuponhismother'saccents,usedtorepeathertales and her jests, and caught up her enthusiasm.AIter her death, he erected amonument over her remains, upon which the Iollowing memorial was inscribed: "HereliethallthatwasmortaloIMarthaCurranawomanoImanyvirtues,Iew Ioibles,greattalents,andnovice.Thistabletwasinscribedtohermemorybyason who loved her, and whom she loved." CURRAA AS PUACH'S MAA. Curran'sIirsteIIortinpubliccommencedwhenaboyinthedrollcharacteroIMr. Punch's man. It occurred in this way: One oI the puppet-shows known as "Punch and Judy,"arrivedatNewmarket,tothegreatgratiIicationoItheneighborhood.Young CurranwasanattentivelistenerateveryexhibitionoItheshow.Atlength,Mr. Punch'smanIellill,andimmediatelyruinthreatenedtheestablishment.Curran,who had devoured all the man's eloquence, oIIered himselI to the manager as Mr. Punch's man.Hisservicesweregladlyaccepted,andhissuccesssocomplete,thatcrowds attended every perIormance, and Mr. Punch's new man became the theme oI universal panegyric. 31 age | 31 CURRAA A1 A DEBA1IAC SOCIE1Y Curran'saccountoIhisintroductionand debut atadebatingsociety,istheidentical "Iirstappearance"oIhundreds."UpontheIirstoIourassembling,"hesays,"I attended,myIoolishheartthrobbingwiththeanticipatedhonoroIbeingstyled'the learned member that opened the debate,' or 'the very eloquent gentleman who has just sat down.' All day the coming scene had been Ilitting beIore my Iancy, and cajoling it. MyearalreadycaughtthegloriousmelodyoI'Hearhim!hearhim!'AlreadyIwas practising how to steal a sidelong glance at the tears oI generous approbation bubbling in the eyes oI my little auditory,never suspecting, alas! that a modern eye may have so little aIIinity with moisture, that the Iinest gunpowder may be dried upon it. I stood up; my mindwas stored with about a Ioliovolume oI matter; but I wanted a preIace, andIorwantoIapreIace,thevolumewasneverpublished.Istoodup,trembling througheveryIibre:butrememberingthatinthisIwasbutimitatingTully,Itook courage,andhadactuallyproceededalmostasIaras'Mr.Chairman,'when,tomy astonishment and terror, I perceived that every eyewas riveted upon me. Therewere only six or seven present, and the little room could not have contained as many more; yetwas it, tomy panic-strickenimagination, as iI Iwere the central object in nature, andassembledmillionsweregazinguponmeinbreathlessexpectation.Ibecame dismayedanddumb.MyIriendscried'Hearhim!'buttherewasnothingtohear.My lips, indeed, went through the pantomime oI articulation; but I was like the unIortunate IiddlerattheIair,who,comingtostrikeupthesolothatwastoravisheveryear, discovered that an enemy had maliciously soaped his bow; or rather, like poor Punch, as I once saw him, grimacing a soliloquy, oI which his prompter had most indiscreetly neglected to administer the words." Such was the debut oI "Stuttering Jack Curran," or "Orator Mum," as he was waggishly styled; but not many months elapsed ere the sun oI his eloquence burst Iorth in dazzling splendor. CURRAA AAD 1HE BAAKER A Limerick banker, remarkable Ior his sagacity, had an iron leg. "His leg," said Curran "is the softest part about him." HIS DUEL WI1H S1. LECER Curran was employed at Cork to prosecute a British oIIicer oI the name oI St. Leger, Ior an assault upon aCatholic clergyman.St. Legerwas suspectedbyCurran to bea creatureoILordDoneraile,andtohaveactedundertheinIluenceoIhislordship's religiousprejudice.Curranratedhimsoundlyonthis,andwithsucheIIectthatSt. Legersenthimachallengethenextday.Theymet,butasCurrandidnotreturnhis Iire, the aIIair ended. "It was not necessary," said Curran, "Ior me to Iire at him, Ior he died in three weeks aIter the duel, oI the report of his ow3 pistol." 32 age | 32 1HE MOAKS OF 1HE SCREW ThiswasthenameoIaclubthatmetoneverySaturdayduringterminahousein Kevin-street,andhadIoritsmembersCurran,Grattan,Flood,FatherO'Leary,Lord Charlemont,JudgeDay,JudgeMetge,JudgeChamberlaine,LordAvonmore,Bowes Daly, George Ogle, and Mr. Keller. Curran, being Grand Prior oI the order, composed the charter song as Iollows: When Saint Patrick our order created,And called us the Monks oI the Screw,Good rules he revealed to our Abbot,To guide us in what we should do. But Iirst he replenished his IountainWith liquor the best in the sky:And he swore by the word oI his saintshipThat Iountain should never run dry. My children, be chaste till you're temptedWhile sober, be wise and discreetAnd humble your bodies with Iasting,Whene'er you've got nothing to eat. Then be not a glass in the convent,Except on a Iestival, IoundAnd this rule to enIorce, I ordain itA Iestivalall the year rou3d. LORD AJOAMORE. CurranwasoItenannoyedwhenpleadingbeIoreLordAvonmore,owingtohis lordship's habit oI beinginIluenced by Iirst impressions.He and Curranwere to dine together at the house oI a Iriend, and the opportunity was seized by Curran to cure his lordship's habit oI anticipating. "Why, Mr. Curran, you have kept us a Iull hour waiting dinner Ior you," grumbled out LordAvonmore."Oh,mydearLord,Iregretitmuch;youmustknowitseldom happens, butI've just been witness to a most melancholy occurrence." "My God! you seem terribly moved by ittake a glass oI wine. What was it?what was it?""I will tell you, my Lord, the moment I can collect myselI. I had been detained at Courtin the Court oI ChanceryyourLordshipknows the Chancellor sits late." "I do, I dobut goo3.""Well,myLord,IwashurryinghereasIastaseverIcouldIdidnot evenchangemydressIhopeIshallbeexcusedIorcominginmyboots?""Poh, pohnevermindyourboots:thepointcomeatoncetothepointoIthestory.""OhI will, my good Lord, in a moment. I walked hereI would not even wait to get thecarriagereadyitwouldhavetakentime,youknow.Nowthereisamarket exactly in the road bywhich I had to passyourLordship may perhaps recollect the marketdoyou?""TobesureIdogoo3,Currangoo3 withthestory.""Iam very glad your Lordship remembers the market, Ior I totally Iorget the name oI itthe namethename""WhatthedevilsigniIiesthenameoIit,sir?it'stheCastle Market.""YourLordshipisperIectlyrightitiscalledtheCastleMarket.Well,I 33 age | 33 waspassingthroughthatveryidenticalCastleMarket,whenIobservedabutcher preparingtokillacalI.HehadahugekniIeinhishanditwasassharpasarazor. The calI was standing beside himhe drew the kniIe to plunge it into the animal. Just as hewas in the act oI doing so, a little boy about Iour years oldhis only sonthe loveliestlittlebabyIeversaw,ransuddenlyacrosshispath,andhekilledoh,my God! he killed" "The child! the child! the child!" vociIerated Lord Avonmore. "No, myLord, thecalf,"continuedCurran,verycoolly;"hekilledthecalI,butyour ordship is i3 the habit of a3ticipati3g." HIS FIRS1 CLIEA1 WhenCurranwascalledtothebar,hewaswithoutIriends,withoutconnections, without Iortune, conscious oI talents Iar above the mob by which he was elbowed, and cursedwithsensibility,whichrenderedhimpainIullyalivetothemortiIicationshe was Iated to experience. Those who have risen to proIessional eminence, and recollect the impediments oI such a commencementthe neglect abroadthe poverty, perhaps, at homethe Irowns oI rivalrythe Iears oI Iriendshipthe sneer at the Iirst essaythe prophecy that it will be the lastdiscouragement as to the presentIorebodings as totheIuturesomewhoareestablishedendeavoringtocrushthechanceoI competition,andsomewhohaveIailedanxiousIorthewretchedconsolationoI companionshipthose who recollect the comIorts oI such an apprenticeship may duly appreciatepoorCurran'ssituation.AItertoilingIoraveryinadequaterecompenseat the Sessions oI Cork, and wearing, as he said himselI, his teeth almost to their stumps, heproceededtothemetropolis,takingIorhiswiIeandyoungchildrenamiserable lodging on Hog-hill. Term aIter term, without either proIit or proIessional reputation, hepacedthehalloItheFourCourts.Yeteventhushewasnotaltogether undistinguished.IIhispocketwasnotheavy,hisheartwaslighthewasyoungand ardent,buoyedupnotlessbytheconsciousnessoIwhatheIeltwithin,thanbythe encouragingcomparisonwiththosewhoweresuccessIularoundhim,andhisstation among the crowd oI idlers, whom he amused with his wit or amused by his eloquence. ManyevenwhohademergedIromthatcrowd,didnotdisdainoccasionallytoglean IromhisconversationtherichandvariedtreasureswhichhedidnotIailtosquander with the most unsparing prodigality; and some there were who observed the brightness oItheinIantluminarystrugglingthroughtheobscuritythatcloudedits commencement. Among those who had the discrimination to appreciate, and the heart to Ieel Ior him, luckily Ior Curran, was Mr. Arthur WolIe, aIterwards the unIortunate, but respected LordKilwarden. The Iirst Iee oI any consequence that he receivedwas throughhisrecommendation;andhisrecitaloItheincidentcannotbewithoutits interest to the young proIessional aspirantwhom a temporary neglect may have sunk into dejection. "I then lived," said he, "upon Hog-hill;mywiIe and childrenwere the chieI Iurniture oI my apartments; and as to my rent, it stood much the same chance oI its liquidation with the national debt. Mrs. Curran, however, was a barrister's lady, and 34 age | 34 whatwaswantinginwealth, shewaswelldetermined shouldbe supplied by dignity. Thelandlady,ontheotherhand,hadnoideaoIanyothergradationexceptthatoI pounds, shillings, and pence. I walked out one morning in order to avoid the perpetual altercationsonthesubject,withmymind,youmayimagine,innoveryenviable temperament.IIellintogloom,towhichIrommyinIancyIhadbeenoccasionally subject. I had a Iamily Iorwhom I had no dinner, and alandlady Iorwhom Ihad no rent. I had gone abroad in despondenceI returned home almost in desperation. When IopenedthedooroImystudy,where avater alonecouldhaveIoundalibrary,the Iirst object that presented itselI was an immense Iolio oI a brieI, twenty golden guineas wrapped up beside it, and the name oI Old Bob yo3s marked on the back oI it. I paid mylandladyboughtagooddinnergaveBobLyonsashareoIit;andthatdinner was the date oI my prosperity!" CURRAA AAD 1HE IAFORMER The Iollowing is an extract Irom Curran's speech delivered beIore a committee oI the house oI Lords, against the Bill oI attainder on Lord Edward's property: "Ihavebeenasked,"saidhe,"bythecommittee,whetherIhaveanydeIensive evidence?IamconIoundedbysuchaquestion.WhereisthereapossibilityoI obtaining deIensive evidence? Where am I to seek it? I have oIten, oI late, gone to the dungeonoIthecaptive,butneverhaveIgonetothegraveoIthedead,toreceive instructions Ior his deIence; nor, in truth, have I ever beIore been at the trial oI a dead man! I oIIer, thereIore, no evidence upon this inquiry, against the perilous example oI which I do protest on behalI oI the public, and against the cruelty and inhumanity and injustice oI which I do protest in the name oI the dead Iather, whose memory is sought to be dishonored, and oI hisinIant orphans,whose breadis sought to be taken away. Some observations, and but a Iew, upon the evidence oI the inIormer I will make. I do believe all he has admitted respecting himselI. I do verily believe him in that instance, even though I heard him assert it upon his oathby his own conIession aninIormer, andabribedinIormeramanwhomrespectablewitnesseshadsworninacourtoI justice,upontheiroaths,nottobecredibleonhisoathamanuponwhosesingle testimony no jury ever did, or ever ought to pronounce a verdict oIguiltyakind oI man towhom the law resorts with abhorrence, and Irom necessity, in order to set the criminal against the crime, butwhoismade use oI Ior the same reason that the most obnoxious poisons are resorted to in medicine. II such be the man, look Ior a moment athisstory.HeconIineshimselItomereconversationonly,withadeadman!He ventures not to introduce any third person, living or even dead! he ventures to state no actwhateverdone.Hewishes,indeed,toaspersetheconductoILadyEdward Fitzgerald;buthewellknewthat,evenwheresheinthiscountry,shecouldnotbe calledasawitnesstocontradicthim.SeethereIore,iItherebeanyoneassertionto which credit can be given, except thisthat he has sworn and Iorswornthat he is a 33 age | 33 traitorthathehasreceivedIivehundredguineastobeaninIormer,andthathis general reputation is, to be utterly unworthy oI credit." He concludes thus:"Every act oI this sort ought to have a practical morality Ilowing Irom its principle. II loyalty and justice require that those children should be deprived oI bread, must it not be a violation oI that principle to give them Iood or shelter? Must noteveryloyalandjustmanwishtoseethem,inthewordsoItheIamousGolden Bull,'alwayspoorandnecessitous,andIoreveraccompaniedbytheinIamyoIthe Iather, languishing in continued indigence, and Iinding their punishment in living, and theirrelieIindying?'IIthewidowedmothershouldcarrytheorphanheiroIher unIortunatehusbandtothegateoIanymanwhohimselItouchedwiththesad vicissitude oI human aIIairs, might Ieel a compassionate reverence Ior the noble blood that Ilowedin hisveins, nobler than the royalty that Iirst ennobledit, that, like a rich stream, rose tillit ran and hid its IountainiI, remembering the many noble qualities oI his unIortunate Iather, his heart melted over the calamities oI the childiI his heart swelled,iIhiseyesoverIlowed,iIhistooprecipitatehandwasstretchedIorthbyhis pityorhisgratitudetotheexcommunicatedsuIIerers,howcouldhejustiIytherebel tearorthetraitoroushumanity?OnewordmoreandIhavedone.Ioncemore earnestly and solemnly conjure you to reIlect that the IactI mean the Iact oI guilt or innocence which must be the Ioundation oI this billis not now, aIter the death oI the party,capableoIbeingtried,consistentwiththelibertyoIaIreepeople,orthe unalterable rules oI eternal justice; and that as to the IorIeiture and the ignominy which itenacts,thatonlycanbepunishmentwhichlightsuponguilt,andthatcanbeonly vengeance which breaks upon innocence." Curran was one day setting his watch at the Post OIIice, which was then opposite the lateParliamentHouse,whenanoblememberoItheHouseoILordssaidtohim, "Curran, what do they mean to do with that useless building? For my part, I am sure I hateeventhesightoIit.""Idonotwonderatit,mylord,"repliedCurran contemptuously; "I never yet heard oI a murderer who was not aIraid oI a ghost." LORD CLARE. OnedaywhenitwasknownthatCurranhadtomakeanelaborateargumentin Chancery,LordClarebroughtalargeNewIoundlanddoguponthebenchwithhim, and during the progress oI the argument he lent his ear much more to the dog than to thebarrister.ThiswasobservedatlengthbytheentireproIession.Intimethe ChancellorlostallregardIordecency;heturnedhimselIquiteasideinthemost material part oI the case, and began in Iull court to Iondle the animal. Curran stopped 36 age | 36 at once. "Go on, go on, Mr. Curran," said Lord Clare. "Oh! I beg a thousand pardons, my Lord; I really took it Ior granted that your Lordship was employed i3 co3sultatio3." CURRAA'S ELOQUEACE In a debate on attachments in the Irish House oI Commons, in 1785, Mr. Curran rose to speak against them; and perceiving Mr. Fitzgibbon, the attorney-general (aIterwards LordClare), had Iallen asleep on his seat, he thus commenced:"I hope I may say a Iewwordsonthisgreatsubject,withoutdisturbingthesleepoIanyrighthonorable member; and yet, perhaps, I ought rather to envy than blame the tranquility oI the right honorablegentleman.IdonotIeelmyselIsohappilytempered,astobelulledto repose by the storms that shake the land. II they invited any to rest, that rest ought not to be lavished on the guilty spirit." AlthoughMr.Curranappearsheretohavecommencedhostilities,itshouldbe mentioned, that he was apprised oI Mr. Fitzgibbon's having given out in the ministerial circles that he would take an opportunity during the debate, in which he knew that Mr. Curran would take a part, oI putti3g dow3 the you3g patriot. The Duchess oI Rutland, and all the ladies oI the castle were present in the gallery, to witness what Mr. Curran called, in the course oI the debate, "this exhibition by command." When Mr. Curran sat down, Mr. Fitzgibbon, provoked by the expressions he had used, and by the general tenor oI his observation, replied with much personality, and among otherthings,denominatedMr.Currana"pu3ybabbler."Mr.C.retortedbythe IollowingdescriptionoIhisopponent:"Iamnotamanwhoserespectinpersonand characterdependsupontheimportanceoIhisoIIice;Iamnotayoungmanwho thrustshimselIintotheIore-groundoIapicture,whichoughttobeoccupiedbya better Iigure; I am not one who replies with invective, when sinking under the weight oI argument; I am not a man who denies the necessity oI parliamentary reIorm, at the timethatheapprovesoIitsexpediency,byrevilinghisownconstituents,theparish clerk, the sexton, and the grave-digger; and iI there be any man who can apply what I am not, to himselI, I leave him to think oI it in the committee, and contemplate upon it when he goes home." TheresultoIthisnight'sdebatewasaduelbetweenMr.CurranandMr.Fitzgibbon; aIterexchangingshots,theyseparated,butconIirmedintheirIeelingoImutual aversion. At the assizes at Cork, Curran had once just entered upon his case, and stated the Iacts tothejury.Hethen,withhisusualimpressivenessandpathos,appealedtotheir 37 age | 37 Ieelings, and was concluding the whole with this sentence: "Thus, gentlemen, I trust I havemadetheinnocenceoIthatpersecutedmanascleartoyouas"Atthatinstant the sun,which had hitherto been overclouded, shot its rays into the court-house"as clear to you," continued he, "asyonder sun-beam,which nowburst in among us, and supplies me with its splendid illustration." SCEAE BE1WEEA FI1ZCIBBOA AAD CURRAA IA 1HE IRISH PARLIAMEA1 Mr.Fitzgibbon(aIterwardsLordClare)roseandsaid:"Thepoliticallyinsane gentleman has asserted much, but he only emitted some eIIusions oI the witticisms oI Iancy.Hisdeclamation,indeed,wasbettercalculatedIorthestageoISadler'sWells thantheIlooroItheHouseoICommons.Amountebank,withbutone-halIoIthe honorable gentleman's talent Ior rant, would undoubtedly make his Iortune. However, I am somewhat surprised he should entertain such a particular asperity against me, as I neverdidhimaIavor.But,perhaps,thehonorablegentlemanimagineshemaytalk himselIintoconsequence;iIso,Ishouldbesorrytoobstructhispromotion;heis heartily welcome to attack me. OI one thing only I will assure him, that I hold him in sosmalladegreeoIestimation,eitherasamanorasalawyer,thatIshallnever hereaIter deign to make him any answer." Mr. Curran."The honorable gentleman says I have poured Iorth somewitticisms oI Iancy. That is a charge I shall never be able to retort upon him. He says I aminsane. For my part where I the man who, when all debate had subsidedwho, when the bill was given up, had risen to make an inIlammatory speech against my country, I should beobligedtoanyIriendwhowouldexcusemyconductbyattributingittoinsanity. Were I the man who could commit a murder on the reputation oI my country, I should thank the Iriendwhowould excuse my conduct by attributingit to insanity.Were I a manpossessedoIsomucharroganceastosetupmyownlittleheadagai