the science of likability - charm wit humor and th

8/15/2019 The Science of Likability - Charm Wit Humor and Th

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The Science of Likability Charm, Wit, Humor, and the 16 Studies That Show You How t

Master Them

By Patrick KingDating and Social Skills Coach at www.PatrickKingConsulting.com

As a show of appreciation to my readers, I’ve put together a FREE

RAINING VIDEO describing the BEST exercise for immediate so

and romantic confidence. Click over to watch it now!

http://www.patrickkingconsulting.com/http://www.patrickkingconsulting.com/


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ble of Contents

e Science of Likability Charm, Wit, Humor, and the 16 Studies That Show You How to Masteremble of Contentsroductionapter 1: How to influence people’s moods.apter 2: How to read people like a book.

apter 3: How to make friends out of enemies.apter 4: How to never be taken advantage of.apter 5: How to instantly become a close friend.apter 6: How to negotiate anything and be persuasive.apter 7: How to instantly bond with someone.apter 8: How to make people trust you.apter 9: How to get into someone’s inner circle.apter 10: How to be endearing to anyone.

apter 11: How to make people do what you want.

apter 12: How to be a leader that anyone will follow.apter 13: How to avoid judgment and assumptions.apter 14: How to make people want you around.apter 15: How to be credible and trustworthy.apter 16: How to win a majority vote.nclusioneat Sheetations


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troduction

ke many college underclassmen that had no idea what they wanted to study, I chose to major in

ychology.

hought it was a good default choice because the knowledge theoretically had wide application a

uld transfer to any other field… Also, I heard that the classes had mostly multiple-choice exam

d finals.

t really, I could have done much worse, as psychology has turned out to have some pretty helpplications to my life and career.

e study of psychology isn’t about reading minds or interpreting dreams, though I had a fair am

people asking about that. It’s simply the study of why people do the things they do. When you

me it that way, it’s easy to see why that knowledge is useful in all walks of life.

ere were the obvious applications such as discovering exactly what works in advertisements an

y, how to effectively use reverse psychology, and even why we don’t feel compelled to take ac

en we’re surrounded by a crowd. These were things I could immediately see and feel in my da

e.

t the biggest takeaway from my degree, a bachelor of science in clinical psychology, was that

ny of our decisions are made subconsciously and without any awareness on our part. It often i

il far after we act that we rationalize why.

r example, one of the more famous experiments in psychology was called the Little Albert

periment. It involved a baby who was presented with a white rat by itself. The baby had no reacsitive or negative.

xt, the researchers paired the rat with a loud crashing noise, which obviously scared Albert. A

y a couple of exposures with the noise, Albert was presented with the rat alone again. He had

come afraid of the rat by itself.

had started associating the rat with the loud noise that he hated, and likely wasn’t aware of wh

s suddenly recoiling and crying whenever he saw the rat.

is was fascinating how something seemingly so subtle and unrelated could affect people’s acti


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very real ways.

people can be subconsciously conditioned about negative associations, aren’t there ways that p

n be conditioned to react positively to objects and people? What if Little Albert was conditione

ociate positive things with the rat, such as food or his favorite toy?

is brings up possibly the most famous psychological experiment of modern day, Pavlov’s dog

vlov began to r ing a bell every time he fed his dog. Dogs salivate when they sense that food isarby. When he started simply ringing the bell by itself, the dog salivated as if there was actual f

ming. The dog thought he was getting bacon every time he heard the bell without any real clue

y.

in short, yes – it’s completely possible to become scientifically likable, and have people wond

y you aren’t present.

et out to find the best psychological studies in existence whose conclusions could be interprete

rease how likable someone is – the ones that literally made you scientifically likable in provenys.

couple of these studies might seem to be proving obvious common sense, but that’s only becau

at was subconscious is now conscious knowledge. Many of these studies have proven phenom

likability that is extremely insightful, and perhaps even counterintuitive to human nature and

ychology.

ct is, they all work because of how our brains have been programmed over thousands of years

n’t always realize when or how, but they undeniably form an image of someone who you just p wanting around.

e 16 studies in this book will show you proven ways to make yourself endearing, likable, funn

nvincing, persuasive, trustwor thy, credible, and instantly magnetic. Why we hit it off with som

ople, but never with others. That’s the science of likability.

r leaders, politicians, and most charismatic friends aren’t that way just by chance and luck!

hether or not they realize it, they embody much of what is taught in this book. Now it’s your tu


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apter 1: How to influence people’s moods.

hy do some people instantly like us, while others never come around? Is it purely on a random

sis, and do we have to depend on lucky strikes of lightning?

kability in the minds of too many people is a game of chance. The good news is they are

mpletely wrong, and likability is like any other emotion – it can be triggered, summoned, and

imately engineered. Just like, say, the loudness of your voice, we have quite a bit of control in

w likable we are.

d for the first time ever, I’ve collected a series of 100% empirical, scientific psychological stuout how and why people like.

urns out that we all have specific and subtle, signals and hints that massively influence the way

w others. Most of them are miniscule, subconscious, and mired in the minutiae – but that’s wh

lly matters.

member Pavlov? It’s wor th a repeat mention.

vlov is the father of classical conditioning as we know it, and proved it through a very simple

periment with his dog. Every time he would feed his dog, he would also r ing a bell. Over time

g associated the food with the bell. Eventually, Pavlov could just ring his bell, and the dog wou

gin salivating because of the association with the food.

e dog was clueless as to why he would suddenly get hungry. Similarly, you can influence your

ability quotient. People may not be able to articulate just why, but they’ll just know that they tru

e and like you.

is takes the random chance out of making a positive first impression.

ur skill in likability can open many doors. It can have a tremendous positive impact on all aspe

your life. Relationships are the backbone of a happy and fulfilling life. Build yours with likab

d take advantage of the psychological cues that science has proven over the years.

ood influencing.

e science.


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1994 study by Eich, Macauley, and Ryan found that memories did not exist in a vacuum. Memo

re heavily linked to the context, environment, events, and moods that were present at the time o

mory.

other words, if you are able to invoke anything that was present at the time of a positive memo

u will be able to bring up the feeling of that memory to influence and improve someone’s moo

u can also improve your memory by thinking about things that were present in the context of t

mory, and more easily trigger a clearer understanding of what happened. They are all interrel

d help recall each other.

hat does this mean for us?

ople’s moods and memory are highly linked. If you get a clear idea that someone is in need of

od boost, you can talk about things, people, and events that were present when they were in

ulous moods. You can talk to them in such a way to trigger certain positive memories. When y

successful in jogging their memory based on their mood, they cannot help but feel drawn to y

ing up how ridiculous the slopes were on that ski trip last winter and they can’t help but be

luenced.

ey will associate being around you with those positive moods they experienced in the past, and

ll begin to associate you with the positive feelings.

ur ability to associate your presence with past great mood memories opens an opportunity for

erpersonal intimacy. This is emotional intimacy that gives people the impression that you “get

m.” They read in all sorts of positive interpretations to their experience of being around you.

make this dynamic work for you, you must first accurately determine people's moods.

termine people’s moods.

e simplest way to discover someone’s mood is by simply asking them a neutral question.

is question really has no right or wrong answer. Just propose it to see if people will answer in

n-neutral way.

hat you are looking for is either a positive answer or a negative answer. If you get a neutral or

mmittal answer, you might want to rephrase your question so you can get a more definitive an

e easiest question to ask is simply “How is your day?” or “How is your week going?”

will usually be easy to tell how people are feeling based on their body language and tone of vo

answering these questions.

luencing positively.


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ce you have thrown out a neutral question and it was answered either positively or negatively,

n trigger a positive response by improving their mood.

the study said, you bring up elements that were present in one of their positive memories.

r example, if you know that someone had a blast the last time they went skiing, br ing up a stor

y were telling about it. Have them re-tell it to you. Ask them about the logistics and whether or

y would recommend that particular ski lodge. Talk about the drinking games they played that

ekend.

bringing up the memory elements that were tied to the happy mood they were probably in, yo

ll actually improve their current mood. By doing this, you also eventually associate their posit

od with interactions with you.

is is crucial to likability because they will eventually identify being around you with a positive

nge of emotions.

re’s another example. You discover from your neutral question that someone is in a rather poood. You know from prior conversations that this person loves biking and biking is their favor

bby by far. What elements of biking could you bring to the conversation to improve their curr

od?

ything from the following list: their greatest biking adventure, their longest ride, their favorite

ke, their biking buddies, and their latest gear purchase.

simply triggering happy memories of past positive moods and getting your conversation par

identify those happy positive memories with your conversation, you pave the way for themntifying you with positive elements of their lives.

is all happens subconsciously.

you just keep dwelling on the same elements and topics over and over again, it becomes obvio

ur conversation partner that you are trying to somehow, someway manipulate the conversation

ur efforts at creating a positive mood association will become very transparent. Instead of

rming up to you, people might clam up. Worse, they might become even more suspicious or

eptical of you.

ke Pavlov’s dog, this isn’t a process that we are fully aware of until we reach the end result of

ddenly salivating. Influencing people’s mood is something that they won’t fully understand the

use of, but will nonetheless regard you in better and higher lights.

is chapter is about influencing people’s mood, and not necessarily improving it. In the context

ability, the only ways you should be influencing people’s mood is positively, but this subconsc

perpower can be used to take people’s mood in any direction you wish. It just won’t necessarilyve you a pleasant outcome and subsequent association.


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ho wants to hang out with the person that reminds them of the last funeral they went to?

member, if you play your cards right, people will subconsciously start identifying their happy

mories and happy mood with being around you.


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hapter 2: How to read people like a book.

people look tired, chances are they are feeling tired. End of chapter!

t kidding.

ually, you can judge a book by its cover in terms of people’s moods, and our external appeara

a reflection of our inner world.

t if you look one or two levels deeper, it becomes surprisingly easy to read people and figure actly what they’re feeling, even if you can’t see it plainly on their face.

e science.

the 1880’s, James and Lange put for th a theory on why we feel the emotions that we do. They

erted that we actually experience physical events and stimuli first, and then independently deci

at emotion to feel after interpreting the arousing situation. Emotions happen as a result of the

ount of physical arousal we feel, and are largely a function of how we feel about that arousal.

other words, you see a bear and your heart races and your palms sweat. Your mind decides tha

mbination of your physical arousal and the outside stimulus has created the emotion of fear –

l emotions after seeing physical stimuli that you associate the emotions with.


should be able to read people not from just their appearance, but from how excited they were

out their day’s events. We should be able to read people based on the events they’ve encountereoughout the day and how excited they got about them.

ading people.

ading people, with the science presented in this chapter, is still a holistic process that requires

look at many signals.

e first step is to look at a person’s physical state and make some rough guesses. Make sure you

k up on the external signals such as their level of energy, reply rate, facial expressions, and boguage and posture.


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xt, you need to ask open-ended questions to figure out if your initial estimate of their mood is

curate. You can ask how their day is going. Their answer to these questions may give you enou

ns to piece everything together. It is all about deducing their real emotional state.

nally, and this is the most important part according to the study by James and Lange – find out

y did during their day. The focus of this part should be to discover what physical stimuli the

countered during their day. Remember that we decide our emotions based on how physical stim

ke us feel – so find out what they did during the day, and ask them tacitly how excited they werout it.

if you are able to discover that they, for example, encountered a bear on their way home from

rk, what do you think their physical reaction would be? Probably extreme arousal, elevated he

e, flushed face, and sweating palms; the fight or flight reaction would be strong.

hey weren’t excited about it and physically aroused, this wouldn’t help you read them, for exa

hey answered “It wasn’t a big deal, I used to live with bears in the wilderness.”

t if they were clearly excited and fascinated by the bear, what emotions does that give way to?

hilaration, disbelief, and excitement.

hat about if they received a raise at work? If they don’t seem excited about the raise, then this m

t help you read them. But if they were normal and excited, what physical reaction and subseque

otions does that create? Happiness, joy, and triumph.

ose three steps allow you to successfully read someone’s mood, even if they are not showing

twardly. Note that the more recent the physical stimulus was, the easier it will be to read therson… as well as the strength of the stimulus.

is might sound like a chapter of obviousness, but very rarely do people actually clearly show t

e moods and feelings. When you can figure out the physical stimuli that they have faced and h

ch they cared about it, it will tell you all you need to know about how people feel.

s all about likability.

ce you identify their emotional state, then you can then give them encouragement or otherwise

nd them positive signals that would lift their mood. The only limit to the methods you can use t

hers' mood is your creativity and imagination. Some people respond well to stories. Others res

ll to jokes. Even others like motivational speeches or pep talks.

e key here is to get people to improve their mood. Stoke the embers of their positive emotions

til you get a nice fire going!

hey are feeling small, unappreciated and discouraged, lift them up. The more you do this, the y will associate you or being around you with positive things. This is crucial to likability.


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hat is likability?

s very simple. People want to be around you. When they feel good around you, they are more

lined to know more about you and bond with. You either remind them of happy memories or y

mind them of their positive potential. Whatever it is that you remind them of, it has to be somet

sitive.

ing able to pick up on the nuances of how someone feels, and why they feel that way, allows ynnect with them in ways that go beyond the superficial level. You become a close fr iend, and th

o view you as someone that is a veritable mind reader – when in reality, you were just in tune

ir physical stimuli, and observed the totality of their signs.


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apter 3: How to make friends out of enemies.

ost people in our lives fall into the vast gray area between friend and enemy.

at’s because most of the people we know are actually neutral acquaintances. You wouldn’t invi

m to your wedding, but you wouldn’t cry if they got fired from their job. In many cases, you c

her take them or leave them.

ey’re pretty much the people that inhabit your high school reunions.

t inevitably, we all still have enemies from some area of our life. Not saying that it’s justified o

en reasonable, but we’re never everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe you simply unknowingly cut som

in traffic and made a new enemy there. It happens, and such is life.

e big difference between an enemy (or frenemy, as it were) and a real friend is the intent from

ich they act. A friend might do harsh things with the intent to help you and improve your life –

ways mean well.

enemy, on the other hand, always means to do you harm. Even if they do arguably positive th

you, the reason why they do what they do is to trip you up or otherwise harm you. They migh

ually do a good thing for you and hook you up. However, at the end of the day they actually w

u to slip up, they want you to suffer and they want to harm you.

rning fr iends into enemies.

en if you don’t have any real enemies, and perhaps just a couple of frenemies (defined by

ebster’s as a person or group that is friendly toward another because the relationship bringsnefits, but harbors feelings of resentment or rivalry) you can still use the science in this chapter

n likability from them wherever they stand.

cording to studies, it is actually easier to turn an enemy into a friend than you realize, and they

n’t even realize it what’s happening.

e science.

is was a phenomenon first observed by Benjamin Franklin, one of the founding fathers of theited States of America, and later proved and confirmed by Jecker and Landy in 1969. The latte


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r was investigating Benjamin Franklin’s claim that he could easily turn an enemy into a friend

e simple act – asking them for a favor.

is seemed counterintuitive, but Jecker and Landy indeed confirmed that the amount that subjec

ed a researcher who had asked them for a small favor was far higher than the researcher that h

t asked for a favor.


mply asking people to do you a small favor will make you more likable, regardless if they lik

hate you.

some extent this flies in the face of common sense.

ually, you would only do a favor for somebody if you already like them and want them to like

u would want to impress them and make your value known with your favor. You’d think peopl

uld balk at doing something for someone they hate, and not care about their opinion of you.

why does the Benjamin Franklin effect work?

cause people must justify their actions, and that they did a favor because they actually do like y

en, in a circular twist, they actually start liking you more.

w does all this work to your advantage?

s very simple. Ask your frenemies, enemies, and otherwise negative acquaintances to do small

vors for you.

t sure exactly what constitutes a small favor that won’t earn you their ire?

r example, it can be as small as asking someone to hand you something from a shelf.

asking them to order for you at a restaurant while you go to the bathroom.

asking them to share their opinion on something they are an expert in.

asking them to help you carry the groceries inside from the car.

ch of these small, subtle, and even irrelevant tasks will increase the amount of interaction betw

two of you and cause a state of massive cognitive dissonance, which means that they are

entially contradicting themselves. The winner out of that mental confusion is you, because the

vitably rationalize that you’re not so bad after all as they hand you the salt.

u have to take the first step.


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u can also perform small, subtle favors for them.

vors for people indicate that you are friendly, and gives them a clear signal that you don’t harb

y ill will towards them. You’re waving a white flag of peace.

the very least, they wouldn't classify you as someone completely useless to them or somebody

ve to be skeptical or suspicious of. Doing favors for others positions you to be more likable in

nds of people. At the very least, it neutralizes whatever initial animosity they may have for you

d what the Benjamin Franklin effect shows, you yourself will begin to feel more positively ab

t person if you perform favors for them.

hey ask you these questions about your motives, talk about how easy it is for you to do favors

ople across the board. Talk about how you do favors for everyone in general – this part is

portant, or else they might feel that you are trying to manipulate them.

u are giving them an opportunity to view you in a more nuanced or complex light. This is quit

p forward because people often stereotype each other along very simplistic lines like: friend gemy bad.

hen you throw your enemies a curveball by being kind to them, they can't help but come up wi

ferent way of viewing you. If you're able to do this, then you are on your way to changing thei

nds about you.

ere’s a reason that “kill them with kindness” is often parroted!

ke your time.

ter your potential new friend has performed the favor for you, don’t bring it up immediately. I

t, try not to br ing it up at all, and don’t make it clear that you want to repay them for reciproci

ke.

u run the risk of them thinking that you are trying to manipulate or use them. They would thin

u are trying to put one over them. This is, of course, the precise opposite of the effect that you

ing to produce.

u have to extend your timeline as far as the payback that you are expecting. In fact, you should

cus on payback at all. Focus instead on the fact that you are doing these actions to change how

mebody feels about you.

ople can be quite vicious, but also easily disarmed.

e reaction you will receive when you ask an enemy for a favor will probably be surprise, but i

ry rare that you will be refused.


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e next time you ask that same favor, you may be surprised at how positive the reaction is. And

something in return.

kability is generated while you also benefit in tangible ways.


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hapter 4: How to never be taken advantage of.

s kind of rude to look at your friendships and size them up based on how much you are benefit

m them. Nobody likes to think this way, at least out loud or publicly.

en’t you just friends because you enjoy each other’s company, and relationships are the most

portant part of your life?

re, publicly, that’s what you’ll always say.

t in reality people subconsciously size up all their relationships based on how much value they

m such relationships – and value doesn’t have to be in the material, shallow, or financial type

fact, it’s usually not measured like that. Value in a fr iendship or relationship is usually measur

otional terms. And you know what else about the value in relationships? We’re happiest when

ve and take is equal.

he relationship is one-sided and we feel used and unsupported. doesn’t just refer to relationshi

th significant others – it is fully the way it works in normal friendships as well.

is is always happening in the background and isn’t necessarily unhealthy. Would you want to b

unbalanced friendship, where someone used you for financial or emotional support yet alway

ned their back to you when you needed it?

u can use this to your advantage in becoming a more likable person, as well as one that never

en advantage of.

cientific study showed that people subconsciously or consciously keep track of the exchange

vors in their relationships – and those were the happiest relationships.

e science.

alster, Walster, and Berscheid, investigated the theory of equal relationships in a 1978 study. M

curately, they investigated how relationships r ife with inequity functioned, and found that the b

d happiest relationships have an internal score sheet as to who is sacrificing and serving more.

n range from monetary (I’ll pay for tonight if you pay for tomorrow), to emotional tradeoffs.


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ople are often driven by a sense of equality, which means that they will overcompensate if they

y are not holding up their end of the bargain, so to speak. This is why men who work long ho

ll take their families on lavish vacations – as a tacit apology to even the scales and make up for

t hours of companionship.


rprisingly, keeping track and actually developing an internal tally sheet as to the equality of th

ationships – in any and all aspects important to you – helps keep people accountable to others ates better and happier relationships.

hen you actively seek to even the score, you become more likable.

ople dislike guilt and injustice.

ople like parity.

course, that’s a politically correct way to simply say that people hate feeling guilty (when they much) and they hate injustice (when they give too much).

here is inequality in any measure, both parties will feel one of those emotions.

r example, if someone continually fixes a friend’s car, they might start to feel resentment and

ustice. They’ll feel like they are being taken advantage of, and not see the value of that friends

e friend that owns that car, on the other hand, will feel burdened by debt, guilt, and insecurity i

endship.

ople do not like to be in somebody else’s debt. People do not like to feel that their fr iend is giv

m more than they give their friend. Equal friendships with equal status avoid issues like that.

r egalitarian expectation leads us to expect others to hold their own end of the bargain. In othe

rds, since you and I are equal, we expect each other to be self-reliant, responsible, and self-

ficient. I can't view you as an equal if you're constantly depending on me.

alitarianism isn't just about feeling good because people view you as an equal. It also imposes

es and responsibilities and expectations.

w can you use people’s propensity for equity for likability?

e the feeling of equity to your advantage and make sure that you make it known that you are in

ual footing with your friend.

minate the other person’s feelings of guilt (when they take too much) and injustice (when theyo much).


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you see any inequalities where you benefit more, call them out publicly and make sure to recti

m as soon as possible. This makes the other person know that you pay back debts as soon as

ssible, and are trustworthy. Of course, this also removes the burden of feeling taken advantage

m their head.

r example, you can eliminate some resentment and injustice when you call it out, “I can’t belie

t you gave me a ride to the airport and I haven’t repaid you yet! Dinner’s on me.”

u can also eliminate guilt by calling it out, “Hey, I got you last time we had dinner. Want to eve

t score?”

en if it doesn’t quite make things equal, it just lets the other person know your character and m

u more likable. Oftentimes, you won’t have to do anything at all except call out the inequality a

ow your awareness.

you feel that you are suffering an injustice, it’s simply a matter of giving people a chance to ev

score. If they don’t seize the opportunity, they might not be the type of person you want to remends with.

u are communicating clearly to them that there is some sort of inequality that you want to r igh

s makes them subconsciously like you more. You’re just a standup person.

ople are looking for win-win relationships.

insisting on a win-win relationship, others cannot help but feel that you are worthy of respect

ey cannot help but feel that you are somebody that will stand up for your rights and you are noshover or somebody simply taken advantage of. That’s pretty likable, right?


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apter 5: How to instantly become a close friend.

you’ve never been to an intense football game, let me describe the atmosphere.

an be pure mayhem, and you just can’t help but be sucked into the cheering frenzy because yo

rounded by it. It’s contagious, and you become a product of your environment. Screaming and

ling out high-fives to anyone within reach become your new normal.

is means that we often take cues from others on how to act and treat them, and that’s exactly ho

u can instantly become a close friend to anyone.

s simple – just act the part.

cording to a recent study, acting like a good friend and assuming the role of one simply make

m treat you and welcome you like one.

e science.

gmund Freud is famous for a lot of things, most notably his theory on the Oedipus Complex, w

ted that we all want to mate with our opposite sex parents, and feel an innate sense of competit

th our same sex parents.

also put forth the idea of transference, which states that if someone has some of the

aracteristics and has a similar role to someone you feel strongly about, you begin to treat them

nk of them as if they are that person.

other words, many people with strong supervisors feel paternal transference because of the simes that they play in their lives. This means that people latch onto patterns and feelings that are

eady formed in their minds, and that you can become an object of positive transference simply

ing the part.


become the people others see us as.

man beings navigate the world through snapshots that we know, and try to apply those snapshofamiliar situations. In other words, people often think in terms of templates.


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man beings are not very imaginative nor creative, so we try to put all our experiences into exi

mplates and categor ies based on our previous experiences.

you consciously try to fit into the category of a friend and start looking and acting like one, pe

nnot help but treat you like a friend. Moreover, if you attempt to fit the role of a good friend th

ds emotional support, you position yourself well.

ey can't help but make the association. Oftentimes, this process happens automatically. They arnsciously aware that they are doing this association. That’s the beauty of transference.

become a close friend, do away with pleasantries and formalities, and speak to people the way

eak to your best friends. Talk about intimate matters. Joke with them and act familiar. Be there

m emotionally and support them through whatever they are going through. Show none of the

sitancy or unfamiliarity that strangers have with each other. Don’t be afraid to touch them, and

ate inside jokes immediately.

ver think “Is it okay that I ask about this?” or “Am I going too far?” because that’s not what cloends do.

u’ll be surprised at how people will open up, and the subsequent effects on how they view you

u can use this dynamic to work for you by focusing on its two-way effect. Not only will other

ople treat you like a friend if you start acting like a friend, you also internally become a genuin

end to people you are trying to impress by acting like a friend. Therefore, it works both ways

n lead to deeper and more meaningful relationships.

ke it.

any people are not exactly comfortable with the whole idea of faking it until you make it. Ideal

should act like who we really are. Ideally, we should be true to ourselves and “keep it real” at

mes.

fortunately, we live in an imperfect world. Oftentimes, you have to compromise your ideals

ghtly to achieve practical results.

this case, all you are doing is faking like you are friends. That’s not manipulation or

srepresentation at all. You’re just skipping past small talk, and diving into the interesting parts

ople’s lives.

t only do you end up changing people’s perceptions of you based on your actions, your own

rceptions of potential friends also change because of your actions. By faking it until you make

u change your perception of how others perceive you. Don't underestimate how powerful this

e center of gravity in your r elationship with people you want to be friends with will shift insta


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er they project their transference onto you. It’s as simple as skipping the questions about where

rk, and instantly jumping to how much fun their barbeque was because their favor ite uncle wa

re.


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hapter 6: How to negot iate anything and be persuasive.

ost people think they know a thing or two about how to negotiate what they want.

fortunately, people who think this way are often mediocre or outright lousy negotiators. They

her end up giving away too much or committing too early… or they simply don’t understand w

kes a successful negotiation.

other words, they often end up getting the bad end of the deal.

e secret to effective negotiation is actually simple and can be summed up in one sentence. Each

rty just wants to feel like they got a good deal and a win. That’s it. If the other party is happy w

at they’re getting, then they will be all too happy to give you what you want.

e problem with that is that we usually don’t want to give them what they want, because it will b

g of a cost to us – not a win.

it’s up to you to find out what they actually value, or to re-frame your proposition to them in a

t makes them feel like they got a good deal. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that what i

portant to you is important to the other side. Oftentimes, this isn't the case. In fact, in most case

her side doesn't at all care what's important to you.

get a better deal from any negotiation every single time, you need to focus on two key techniq

ese techniques involve shaping the expectations and assumptions of the party you're negotiatin

th, and they have been proven to work time and time again.

ey are called the door in the face technique, and the foot in the door technique. Surprisingly, th essentially converse to each other, but work in predictable ways when you put them into the

ntext of human psychology and desire.

e door in the face technique.

e “door in the face” technique, was confirmed by Cialdini et al. in a 1975 study.

re’s the gist – you ask for a huge and somewhat unreasonable favor upfront, and then follow u

th a smaller ask that was actually the intended goal in the first place. The recipient of the ask fee he has done well in the negotiation because he has successfully brought down the asking pric


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bstantially, not knowing that the or iginal starting point was nothing but a foil.

is technique involves you starting negotiations with a very big but unreasonable offer. The wh

int is you are expecting to be rejected. Nine times out of ten, your unreasonable offer will be tu

wn and rightfully so.

course, your first offer is not your real offer. You are simply setting context in the mind of th

rson that you are negotiating with. You actually have a different agenda. Your real offer is a sm

rsion of your first offer. By starting off big and getting people upset about how unreasonable yst offer is, your second or third offer will appear very reasonable indeed.

mpare this situation with starting off with your reasonable offer. In many cases, your reasonab

er will face some resistance or might even get rejected outright. It does not get considered bas

its own merits. Now, if you start with a big and outsized unreasonable offer, it expands the sen

ssibility that the other party has and makes your subsequent smaller offer look more realistic a

ceptable.

r example, in a salary negotiation, this will look something like you starting with an incrediblgh figure. It will be rejected, so you slowly work your way down to the real salary that you wa

the beginning, which is much lower than the first figure. It’s a win-win because they feel that th

t a good value out of you, and you got exactly what you wanted.

is technique also translates to daily life, such as even picking out where to eat. If you pick a

taurant that is either too far, expensive, or inconvenient, the next option you present (and the o

u actually want) will seem far more attractive than it would have been otherwise. The contrast

u present is what will spur others to pick your choice.

e foot in the door technique.

e “foot in the door” technique, was confirmed by Beaman et al. in a 1983 study. This is very cl

the opposite of the “door in the face” technique as described earlier.

ey found that asking for small favors and simply gaining any degree of agreement or complia

s the most important factor in persuasion. The asker could then continue to build upon the sma

vors and asks to eventually reach his desired level or goal.

is is a completely different approach than the door in the face technique. What you do is you s

th a tiny offer that is very reasonable and easy to accept. Of course, this is not your real offer.

l offer is something bigger. Instead, you are just using this tiny offer to get people to say yes t

u at a smaller scale. You then slowly scale up the offer to get to where you really want.

a salary negotiation, you might start with an offer that is 75% of what you want. Your goal wit

ure is just to gain agreement and goodwill with the other person. Once they agree, you can the

rt to gradually add 5% here or there, based on your job performance and your accomplishmeer the past few years.


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e key is to create a chain of “yes” that starts from the first 75% figure.

course, you can also use the “foot in the door” technique in daily life. Like before, you can us

dictate where you go out to dinner: “Do you want to eat out tonight? Do you want to eat Chine

dian (assuming the person hates Indian food)? Do you want to go close or drive far? Okay, wha

out China Palace?”

th these techniques all focus on context.

e door in the face can be quite explosive because it starts with an obviously unreasonable offe

u are drawing a lot of resistance. The whole point is to make your real offer look comparative

asonable. The other technique is to start at a point of agreement and keep building on that point

reement until you get to where you want.

gotiation in likability.

ealize that negotiation and likability don’t often go together in the same sentence. Most peopleobably think that it’s impossible to separate emotions and likability from intense negotiation an

nflict. Again, this plays deeply on human psychology and you don’t have to be actually negotia

hing.

w can the door in the face technique make you likable? It’s actually a type of humor to exagge

d give hyperbole in reply to statements! The contrast between the normalized statement and yo

nreasonable’ statement makes the situation funny.

r example, your fr iend says “That car is going really fast.”

ur door in the face response would be “Yeah, you can practically see the flames coming out th

ck.”

other example, your friend says “I haven’t tried that café yet.”

ur door in the face response would be “You haven’t?! Have you tried ANYTHING!?”

e foot in the door technique makes you more likable by having you focus on the small things

ople. If you can find agreement on small issues, such as taste in shoes or coffee, then it’s much

ier to talk to people about deeper and more important issues – where you may also find agree

e foot in the door technique is the fast track to friendship because it builds upon a series of

mmonalities that make you appear like a friend.

e final bonus of these two techniques is that you will be able to sidestep most conflict in a situa

th proper framing.


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hapter 7: How to instantly bond with someone.

many people, bonding with others is a process that takes a long time as well as some luck. Th

n certainly be true if you don’t understand human psychology and what actually makes us likab

hers.

s, it will be difficult to bond with others if all you do is say hello to them and ask them about th

y.

e come to r ealize that some even think that bonding happens inevitably as a measure of time. Tnot always the case. You can be in a dentist's chair undergoing a root canal. Sure, you are spen

ood amount of 'alone time' with your dentist, but this is far from bonding. You can find yourse

ituation where you would be alone with somebody and could be going through a tough time

gether, and the end result is far from bonding.

you want to bond with someone instantly, read on.

e science.

1971, Byrne discovered what we all instinctually already knew.

e like people that are similar to us, both in background and thought process. The more similar

tude we have to someone else, the more attracted we are to them in general. Obviously, the vic

rsa is true, so the more similar you can appear to people in any regard possible, the more they

e you on both a subconscious and conscious level.

is means that an extremely effective way to create an instant bond is to mirror other people – at just in body language and mannerisms.

pert sales people know all about the power of mirroring because it gets them trust, and ultimat

es. You start saying things the way they say things. You start repeating certain things that they l

say. In other words, you try to bounce back certain signals that remind them of themselves. Yo

ing to send them signals that they see in themselves.

e power of familiarity.

hy does this work?


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man beings like familiarity. We are comfortable around people who look like us, act like us, t

e us, think like us and ostensibly have the same values as us.

the other hand, we tend to be uncomfor table with people who think, talk, act, and otherwise go

out their business in ways that are profoundly different from how we do things. It is easier to b

th people who you think are similar to you compared to people you view as strangers. It is cru

you to understand how to mirror others properly if you want to tap the power of familiarity t

ost your overall likability.

se this example often because I think it illustrates this phenomenon so well – let’s say you were

rn in a small town in South America. Now you live in London. How excited would you be at th

ospect of meeting someone else from that same small South American town?

what does this mean for you in your daily life and becoming likable?

you can appear more similar, in mannerisms, beliefs, background, thought process, and even l

d dislikes, you will be able to create instant bonds out of nothing.

is isn’t about lying or manipulation, or simply telling people only what they want to hear. Tha

honest and eventually extremely transparent.

rt small. Ask lots of questions to figure out what people are about, what they like, and how the

nk. Then dig deep into yourself to find small commonalities at first, such as favorite baseball t

alcoholic drink.

rough those smaller commonalities, you’ll be able to figure out what makes them tick and findeper commonalities to bond instantly over. Just as you’d be thrilled to meet someone from that

all South American town, you’d be thrilled to meet someone who shared a love of the same

scure hobby as you.

doesn’t take months or years, and it doesn’t take a special circumstance like going through mil

ot camp together. It just requires you to look one level deeper inside yourself and others, and s

commonalities that all people possess but aren’t always aware of.

hen you find that commonality, conversation will probably flow there and this is an extremely

ective icebreaker. After all, this is probably the natural process of how you developed the frien

u currently have – a shared interest or experience that served to bond you.

ople at the most basic level are usually pretty similar and have similar attitudes about things. F

m and use them!


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hapter 8: How to make people trust you.

ust is tricky because almost everyone has a different definition of it.

ost people also differ on how exactly they give trust.

r some, people start with zero trust in others and it is slowly earned through their actions. For

hers, people start with a full meter of trust in others and it’s up to them to prove that they are w

d not lose it.

gardless, trust is not a universal quantity… except for what was proven in 1950.

e science.

stinger, Schachter, and Back in 1950 studied the simple phenomenon of trust.

ey noticed that people that lived near each other trusted each other more unequivocally, and si

ed each other more, such as neighbors. Their findings were also simple: the more repeated

posure you have with someone, the more trustworthy and likable you are to them on a

bconscious level. The level of interaction wasn’t important, it was just the frequency of occurr

t engendered the feelings.

hat does this mean for us? It means that trust, unlike many other things in life, actually works o

ear basis. The more you show up to a cer tain extent, the more trust will ultimately be built.

is manifests in even tiny ways in our daily life. The more you see a certain barista at a café yo

quent, the more you feel like you know and trust them.

e more you see a neighbor, even if it’s just while you are both taking out your trash, the more

l like you understand who they are and trust them.

ain, the level of interaction isn’t impor tant, it’s simply the repetition that creates trust.

t’s think about how salespeople use this to their advantage.

ypical sales cycle depends on trust, because if a prospect doesn’t trust the salesperson, they simn’t purchase.


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what does a salesperson do? They become like white on r ice. They email, call, text, and make

t you have so many points of contact with them that they are always in your ear.

d oddly enough, this makes you trust them more because if they are that present in your life, a

u have accepted this, they ought to be trustworthy, right?

viously this would be overkill for a friendship, but it’s undeniable how salespeople are able to

r trust through simple exposure and mirror ing.

you are trying to get people to like you and become their friend, you are essentially selling

urself, and repeated exposure helps make the sale.

mply showing up creates trust.

stinger proved that the whole key to this entire trust process is to simply show up. That's right,

visible. Spend time with people. Be around. In the human mind, simply being visible makes the

l that they know you.

is is why in the world of advertising, there is a rule called the rule of seven. According to this

articular brand or marketing message has to be shown at least seven times for prospects to tak

ion on that particular commercial message.

is happens all the time. If you see an ad for a new soda, chances are you won’t jump out of you

at to buy that soda the first time you see the ad. You would have to see the ad several times for y

feel that the product being sold is legitimate. Once you mentally accept this, then the product h

ccessfully branded itself on your mind. In other words, it is worthy of becoming a potential ch

is stage is all about filtering threats and potentially harmful people who might not have your b

erest in mind. This is purely defensive.

ce you clear that stage, a certain force of habit kicks in and you gain trust, credibility, and peo

nstantly coming back to you. This does not mean that they automatically choose you. What this

ans is that you have become a legitimate choice.

you are looking to build trust with people, simply showing up gets the ball rolling in getting pe

trust you. By being visible and gaining maximum exposure with people you are trying to impr

u set in motion the battle for likability and trust.

w did you meet your current friends?

you look at your set of close friends, you would realize that a lot of those friends became frien

urs almost accidentally.

r the most part, you did not seek them out. You did not consciously come up with this idea that


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ll be friends with this specific person, and put in a lot of effor t to get that person to like you. In

ny instances, a lot of your good fr iends became your good fr iends because they simply just

owed up in your life frequently. They were at the right place at the right time and they did the r

ngs. Maybe you went through elementary school and high school together, and were neighbor

ars.

oximity rules. There is huge value to simply showing up and showing your face.

u would be surprised as to how powerful the exposure effect can work in your favor. Simplyowing up, sending off positive signals, and becoming part of the solution instead of the proble

n go a long way in you becoming good friends with people you want to gain the trust of.


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hapter 9: How to get into someone’s inner circle.

an ideal world, the moment you become friends with somebody, they would instantly trust you

mpletely and you would be in their inner circle.

t most friendships are tentative or probationary. You get put on some sort of outer circle of

endship until you prove yourself and you get moved into an inner circle of intimacy.

e moment somebody looks at you as a friend, your journey of fr iendship with that person is o

ginning. Getting that person to consider you as a friend is just the start of your personal journeth that person.

is should not be a surprise because all people have different circles of concern. In your inner c

your dearest friends and family members. In the circle further away from that are your other

ends, and outside of that circle are your acquaintances or business contacts, and then outside o

cle is everybody else.

you want to get invited into your new friend’s inner cir cle, it’s usually a process. Why?

e science.

1970, Murstein put forth one of the prevailing theories on friendship acquisition called the

mulus-value-role model. The model describes the 3 stages of friendship, and what is required

meone to make it to your inner circle.

e first stage of friendship is based on stimulus and physical attributes – we are typically friend

th people of a similar age, ethnicity, and outward appearance.

e second stage of friendship is based on values, and is based on matching opinions, stances, va

d subjective morals and attitudes.

e final stage of friendship, the inner circle, is the role stage, and is based on how they might

mplement each other in working towards a shared goal – a working relationship.

ese are three distinct phases of how people learn to value you as a friend. To gain access to the

ner circle, it is all about learning how to fit better within all these three stages to move to the ne


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ople filter all their contacts on a subconscious level. Simply being aware that this subconsciou

ering process is taking place, you can put yourself in a better position to send out the right sig

d do the appropriate things to get into the inner circle sooner rather than later.

w that you know which factors are immediately important in becoming good friends with

meone, you can change your actions and emphasize different aspects of your personality to

amlessly flow from stage one to stage three.

e stimulus stage.

hen you become somebody’s friend, the first stage in the friendship is for them to evaluate you

ms of physical appearance and stimulus.

e look at physical attributes based on how attractive we think those attributes are. This applies t

mbers of the opposite sex as well as members of the same sex. In fact, this is not really a sexu

ng per se. It is more of a simple categorization and stratification strategy. You are always sorti

ople, and those that are similar to you are attractive. You just want to be around them and assum

sitive things about them.

move onto the next stage, your task here is to look like you belong. If you wanted to move int

ccer player’s inner circle, at the outset it would be beneficial to wear a soccer jersey so you pa

stimulus stage. Look the part, and people will assume that you are the part.

e value stage.

m not talking about intrinsic value here. All human beings have intrinsic value. I am talking ab

w we size up other people based on how similar their values are to our own.

r example, if you are a medical school graduate and you are a licensed medical practitioner an

u practice medicine, you would value people who have similar values as you because they are

same profession and see the world similarly.

considerable amount of our class background and educational attainment is at play here. If you

advanced degrees or a master’s degree, you tend to put a lot of stock in people with advance

grees. These people might not automatically land in your inner circle, but they are definitely o

t track because of the fact that they seem to have similar values as you. Broadly speaking, valu

milarity tends to impact issues like religion, sex, career, family and personal development.

gardless of your pedigree, if you can make it known that your belief and value system aligns w

meone else’s, this will be sufficient.

e role stage.

is is the final stage of the three-stage process where people move into the inner circle.


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this stage, a new friend has shown that they have certain attractive physical attributes that woul

ke you want to hang out with them. They have also shown that they share your inner core valu

the role stage, you share similar activities, and do them without any hint of conflict.

ere’s a saying that you don’t know anyone until you attempt to travel together, and the role sta

actly what’s meant by that.

u have a complementary relationship that can go deeper than just meeting up for coffee or drincasionally. If you can travel together, which involves a lot of planning and execution, then sim

nging out together and being friends will be a snap.

e role stage and subsequent inner circle means that you can function and actually work togethe

t coincidentally, this is why a lot of business deals get done on the golf course and on bar napk

eople are able to decide that they can work with each other ’s reciprocal abilities, and move in

ch other’s inner circle.

r example, to pass someone’s role stage, you might decide to plan a road trip with them. If durplanning, you differ on too many aspects and argue, you probably aren’t going to pass the ro

ge. But if you can successfully plan together, no small feat in itself, you are well on your way

ner circle.

u need to be aware of all these stages so you can understand how they play out and what your

ions should be. You also need to know which stage you are in, so you can work with the

pectations of the people you are trying to gain access to.


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hapter 10: How to be endearing to anyone.

rfect people are actually not the most attractive people.

e’re uncomfortable around it, and it makes us self-conscious in ways we never thought possibl

illustrate, let’s think about why Batman and Spiderman are far more popular than Superman.

perman is literally, well, a super man. He has almost no weaknesses, and it just doesn’t seem v

eresting when we all know that he could just punch one of his nemeses into outer space at any ment. He is rarely actually challenged, and it takes considerable work to make him vulnerable

tman and Spiderman on the other hand, are powerful yet deeply vulnerable characters. They’re

rfect by any means, and they both have to overcome challenges that usually seem too great for

m.

rns out it was a great move to make Batman and Spiderman deeply flawed, because humanizin

m made it easy for people to relate to them and love them.

hat does this have to do with anything on the science of likability?

t being perfect is endearing to people. Don’t pretend that you’re perfect. In fact, display the

posite.

ople are drawn to other people who show vulnerability. We are drawn to each other ’s weaknes

cause it reminds us that we are human. It shows deep confidence to openly show vulnerability a

chinks in your armor.

an added bonus, vulnerability is one of the most attractive traits in the dating game.

e science.

onson, Willerman, and Floyd in 1966 discovered an easy way for people to like you, but not fe

eatened. In fact, this method is used by politicians carefully all around the world, as it is impor

t they are relatable and non-threatening.

e scientists discovered that perfection was not endearing, and that those who made mistakes an


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o generally showed themselves to be human were far more likable, approachable, and relatabl

context of the experiment, it was shown that subjects liked people who had knocked over a cu

ffee more than those who did not.

is was called the Pratfall Effect, presumably named after someone named Prat who continually

rfection is intimidating.

s very hard to be friends with somebody who is perfect. It is very hard to be friends with someo has everything. If you are spending a lot of time with somebody who is flawless, it can actua

quite an intimidating experience. It might feel that you are walking on eggshells when you are

und that person because they will judge you for not being perfect.

u are trying to compare yourself to that person and obviously you are going to fail. This is wh

very hard for people to relate to perfection. Nine times out of ten, perfection does not exist in a

actical sense. Somebody may look like they have a perfect life, but behind closed doors they m

ually be struggling with alcoholism, their marriage might be falling apart, or they might have

ious addiction.

is is why it is really important to note that people actually get this. This is why most American

oking for that flaw of humanity that they can attach to and relate to. Your imperfections are wh

ke you more relatable and likable.

ur friends are drawn to you because you are sometimes clumsy, and you are goofy or otherwi

perfect. If you have a quirk or eccentricity, it is probably the reason why a lot of your friends

awn to you. They like you not because you do not have any warts or imperfections. They like y

cause of your imperfections.

feel a lot more comfortable around Heidi Klum if she tripped and fell on her face to break he

ade of beautiful model queen.

latability is crucial to likability.

s very hard for people to like you if they feel that they cannot relate to you.

you are just so unreachable and so perfect in your flawlessness, people will not even bother. It

kes them feel intimidated because they know they cannot measure up.

many cases, it is easier for people to hate perfect people. You become some sort of caricature

m.

you are honest with your vulnerabilities and your weaknesses and shortcomings, it is easier fo

ople to relate to you. They know that you are not perfect in the same way that they are not perf

a result, they do not feel self-conscious around you. They do not feel that they have to watch


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erything that they say. Most importantly, they do not feel that you are going to judge them beca

y have fallen short. You yourself suffer from their shortcomings and insecurities.

lance.

th literally, and figuratively.

w can you use this knowledge of lack of imperfection and vulnerability in daily life?

ere are any number of ways to make your appearance slightly goofy and less polished, which

ow makes us a bit more endearing to others.

r example, you can stumble a bit when you use stairs, exaggerate a yawn, wrinkle and rub you

se, drop something you’re carrying, snort while you laugh, walk into the corner of a table or

ve onto a curb while parallel parking, stub your toe, get hit by a tree branch while walking… t

is endless.

u can also make self-deprecating jokes, and immediately call out when you have made a mista

nally, you can make sure to freely bring up or admit embarrassing things about yourself, such

ur past love affair with ice cream or that you broke your leg chasing an ice cream truck.

ese are the things we all do in privacy, and these acts just make you human. They disarm other

ke them relax. But don’t overplay it.

all boils down to the following: wouldn’t you rather grab a beer with someone that you can be

eatpants with, instead of having to try all the time to keep up appearances?


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apter 11: How to make people do what you want.

key element of likability is that people will listen to your opinions and act on them. In other wo

u have influence over people’s actions and can make people do what you want them to do.

gardless if you’ve reached that level of likability, you can still assert a level of influence over

ople simply because of how the human psyche works.

e science.

1976, Pennebaker and Sanders sought out to study a theory of behavior called reactance. Reac

essentially reacting in the opposite manner of what is presented. They confirmed it - when subj

re told to do something, they felt a strong impulse to do the opposite to preserve their perceiv

edom of choice.

is confirmed the phenomenon of reverse psychology, which uses reactance in the opposite ma

get a desired reaction from the subject.


means that people strongly value their free will and freedom of choice. Even if it isn’t somethi

y necessarily want to do, they may do something just to prove that they can, and to prove that

n’t be restricted.

r example, we see this all the time with parents and children – if a parent places too strong of a

triction on a child, this makes the child rebel even harder… but sometimes the parent can achi

sired reaction by doing this artfully.

you are aware of this phenomenon and are willing to play the role of the parent, making peopl

at you want becomes easy.

verse psychology.

verse psychology is something you’re probably familiar with.

about telling people to do something, and then seeing them do the exact opposite, which is ofresult that you wanted. Reverse psychology is all about sending signals a certain way and hop


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t these signals do not have the normal effect.

you're practicing reverse psychology, you're actually intending the opposite act.

ost of us have seen reverse psychology in action. In many cases, our first experience with reve

ychology is with our parents. It can be as simple as a parent saying that she doesn’t want the ch

cuum, and forbids the child from it. Obviously, this will make the child vacuum, fulfilling his

freedom and fulfilling the parent’s intelligent laziness.

other example of reverse psychology: according to studies, the children of parents who don't m

ig deal out of alcohol or drugs tend to not abuse these substances. In contrast, parents who ma

g deal out of alcohol and drugs and specifically forbade them tended to have children that were

ely to abuse them.

e reason that reverse psychology works is that people don't like to be boxed in. People don't li

told what to do. When someone tells you to do something, your natural reaction is to do the ex

posite. Knowing this is the case, people who use reverse psychology to their favor would say

tain things intending the opposite effect.

erefore, to get people to do what you want, insinuate any one of the following: that they can’t

forbidden from doing it, are incapable of doing it, aren’t allowed to do it, cannot handle doin

simply don’t want to do it.

verse psychology works because of people's rebellious impulse. There’s a certain “F*ck you,

what I want!” aspect. This is reactance at its finest.

ll boils down to forbidden fruit. Whenever you tell somebody that something is off limits, therceived value of that activity increases.

man beings are curious animals. We are often drawn to things that we can't have. We're often

cited by things that we're not supposed to do.

actance and influence.

e best way to use reverse psychology is to champion the opposite of your actual opinion. In ot

rds, you play devil's advocate and gently guide the conversation to your desired reaction. Whe

u argue the other side, it's not uncommon for people to push back and find the true value in the

t you’re advocating against.

is is a great psychological trick in getting people to look at your position without browbeating

m. You don't come off as a bully. Instead, you appear thorough, and you are able to subtly and

ntly guide people to your side.

r example, you want to convince someone that dogs and superior to cats.


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u would gently explore relatively small benefits of cats, and then compare those to relatively l

nefits of dogs. The framing is important is here, and it is very likely that the other person will

t the flaws of your logic (that the large benefits of the dogs are of course far superior to the sm

nefits of the cats). They will prove you wrong, and come to the conclusion themselves that dog

perior.

is works on two levels – first, you are telling them that cats are superior, which automatically

kes them want to disagree. Second, you are allowing them to come to the conclusion themselv

ich makes them believe in it far more than if you were to outright tell them.

ople value their freedom of choice and independence, and reactance is a strong reflection of th

r tunately, the awareness we now possess of reactance can help us influence people to any direc

want.


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apter 12: How to be a leader that anyone will follow.

much as we would like to pretend that we are all 100% in charge of our own destinies, the tru

st people are looking for a leader.

e don't come out and admit it, but we are looking to be led and for someone to make decisions

A shepherd is a valuable and comforting presence.

e might think that we want the freedom of choice, but while we theoretically want it, we don’t o

ow what to do with it and want clear direction. This is even true when it comes to emotions – dur friends ask you your opinion on their love lives, and if they are justified in their reactions?

en every friend group has an unofficial leader, someone that people will look to whenever the

ecision or plan to be made. People don’t always trust their own judgment, and need to take cue

m others to feel validated and accepted.

en emotionally, it's much easier to simply go with the flow and follow the lead set by other pe

the very least, it takes less thinking and less personal insight and self-exploration.

easier than you think to step into the leadership role among your friends, or at work. It’s not

uggle or burden that many leaders complain about – they’re simply acting inefficiently, and

rhaps unaware of what Daniel Goleman discovered in 2000.

e science.

niel Goleman, a thought leader in emotional and personal intelligence, identified six distinct t

leaders in a 2000 study. Each type of leader caters to a different type of intelligence and primativator – after all, not all of us are motivated or driven in the same ways.

e visionary leader paints a picture of inspiration, and motivates through grandeur. The coachin

der focuses on developing individuals, which coincides with organizational goals. The affilia

der motivates through creating at atmosphere of affection and support, and motivates through

dressing emotional needs.

e democratic leader builds consensus and motivates through the subsequent investment. The pa

ting leader leads by example and literally shows people what is possible to achieve. Finally, thmmanding leader simply commands and orders, expects compliance, and motivates through


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gative consequences.

surprisingly, different people have different needs, and respond to different kicks in the ass.

acing people into one of the six categories can help you skyrocket your efficiency and effectiv

a leader. The round hole gets the round peg, and the square hole gets the square peg – and the

nefits are limitless.

e visionary leader.

is type of emotional leader moves others towards a shared vision. This shared vision is, of co

ideal. This leader tells the group about the vision they should all share, but doesn't really tell t

w to get there. This person sets the prior ities, but doesn't really lay out a step-by-step plan.

is type of emotional leadership is powerful because laying out a broad vision enables people t

ordinate by sharing information, and also puts them in a position to motivate each other as they

uggle towards that goal.

e main drawback of the visionary leader is that this style of emotional leadership often falls shen trying to motivate experienced team members. When you're dealing with experts, you're de

th people who have their own vision. You're dealing with people who have seen alternative pat

ow alternative paths. It takes a lot more convincing power to motivate these people. In many ca

better approach with people who have clear alternative visions is to invite them to the table. G

m to feel that they have 'skin in the game' by working with them to fit their existing experience

ion to the grand vision you have in mind.

e best situation to apply this type of emotional leadership is when your group needs a new

ection. If your group has tried a lot of different ways to get somewhere or has tried many diffals and hasn't gone anywhere, a visionary approach works the best. This leadership technique i

ective because it has a strong impact on the climate surrounding your team.

practical terms, this emotional leadership approach works best when you're dealing with a frie

o is confused or distracted. This person is just looking for direction and would be very open

nded to ideas and directions you have. As long as you are clear as to the benefits this person w

n, your confused friend shouldn't have a problem following your emotional lead.

e coaching leader.

e coaching leader is really a facilitator. This person connects personal wants of team members

goals of a particular organization. This person facilitates conversations that go beyond the

ecific issues facing the team in the workplace or at school. Instead, this person helps team mem

g deep within themselves to identify weaknesses and strengths, and how these can tie in to their

rsonal goals as well as their ways of doing things.

aching leaders are also great at delegating assignments, and they are very demonstrative of thth that they place on team members. A coaching leader style of emotional leadership often


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oduces a high degree of loyalty. Whenever you show trust and faith in somebody, they can't he

ciprocate it.

e drawback of this emotional leadership style is that it can easily come off as micro-managing

gging so deeply into the personal lives of your friends and associates, it may seem like you are

ying or directing people regarding minute life details. It is too easy to be misunderstood as a

sybody or 'know it all' when you use this emotional leadership style the wrong way.

e best use of this type of emotional leadership is when you're dealing with somebody who ismature. If you're dealing with people who are a long way off from reaching their full capabili

oaching leadership style works great. This approach is very effective because this has a very

sitive impact on the climate of your relationships.

e affiliative leader.

e affiliative leader is somebody who focuses on harmony. This is a person who tries to get all

mbers or friends more deeply connected with each other. The hope is that once these connecti

made, people would collaborate because they have become emotionally invested in theirnnections. This person works primarily to get people to open up instead of necessarily getting

ne.

hen performed badly, this leadership method doesn't get to the bottom of things. You have to

member that when you're building emotional networks and you're trying to build connections

ong people, you have to deal with distressing situations like negative feedback. You simply ca

oid them. You need to look at them straight in the eye.

fortunately, bad implementations of the affiliative leader approach focuses so much on makinople feel good that negative yet crucial feedback is often swept under the rug. People are often

ven the wrong impression that the key to solving issues is to constantly talk and talk about it. T

n lead to serious problems down the road. At the very least, you can turn a lot of your friends i

noying whiners with this emotional leadership technique.

e best use of the affiliative leader approach is to pair it with a visionary style leadership. In oth

rds, lay out a grand vision and then work on building emotional connections. The secret to su

o get people emotionally invested in the grand vision for the team.

e affiliative leader approach works well if you're trying to patch things up with friends. If your

endship went through a rough spot and people got mad at each other, this emotional leadership

proach is a great way of healing r ifts and getting the team united so that they can successfully

vive stressful situations.

e democratic leader.

e democratic emotional leader is very big on process. This person works to get as many diffeputs as possible from team members. If you are trying to be the emotional leader of your grou


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ends and you're trying to use the democratic leadership approach, your focus isn't necessarily

ding the right answer. Instead, your focus is on simply getting people to par ticipate by sharing

int of view. You have to be a really good listener because the stuff people will tell you will oft

mix of both good news and bad news.

e secret to this emotional leadership approach is really execution. It all depends on how you

rform. If you do it badly, it looks like you're simply listening to a lot of people but very little i

ng achieved.

u have to understand that people don't like to waste their time. When people share, they share

cause they want to achieve certain objectives. They share because they want to get certain thing

ne. If you get so caught up in the whole democratic leadership method and you define it narrow

simply listening, you might end up making people feel that they just wasted their time. Instead

olving issues or uniting people, they might feel that speaking up and sharing their input is use

e best use of the democratic leader approach is to employ it to get people to buy into a grand

ion or goal. Also, if you don't already have a preset agenda or a preset answer, this is a great w

gather information. Other than that, you need to approach this leadership style with caution. Yoght be creating more problems than you are solving.

e pace-setting leader.

e pace-setting leader creates goals and sets up challenges for the team. This person would set u

tain objectives and set the standard for excellence. These leaders are effective leaders because

emplify their standards. They show people how to get stuff done because they themselves live

ir goals. In other words, they act as models for the team.

terms of emotional leadership, people who use this leadership style identify friends who are g

ough a tough time and sit them down. They push these people forward by demanding more of

m. They know that people who have a tough time reaching certain goals are simply slacking o

pecting enough out of themselves. By sitting people down, demanding more of them, and offer

work with them, they motivate them to get going. They motivate their friends to get their hous

der.

e most common downside to this type of emotional leadership is that it tends to be light on

idance. You don't really break things down for people so they can do what you want them to do

ny cases, you just tell them that they need to get their act together and you expect them to know

at that means. You set up a destination and you expect them to instinctively know how to get th

is can be a serious issue. When you're dealing with your friends, you might get short-term res

t get them out of emotional ruts or depression. But over the long haul, this type of emotional

dership might put a lot of strain on your friendship. You might even reach the point where you

ends would consciously seek to avoid you because they feel you expect too much from them.

mply put, bad implementation of this emotional leadership style betrays a lack of emotional


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elligence and compassion. In many cases, being an overly pace-setting emotional leader may m

u look like you don't have much self-management or self-control skills.

is emotional leadership style works best if you're dealing with somebody who is already comp

d motivated. In other words, you're dealing with somebody who knows that they have a proble

d they know how to get there. They just need motivation. They just need people to place trust in

m and to model or exemplify success.

wever, if you're dealing with somebody who is not really all that motivated or is quite unclearere to get from point A to point B, pace-setting leadership doesn't work. It can often poison th

mate of your friendship and send the wrong signals. Instead of motivating somebody, done bad

pace-setting leadership style may appear like you're judging your friend.

e commanding leader.

e commanding leader emotionally manages people by soothing their fears, giving them clear

ection, and telling them what to do. This leadership style is very problematic because you hav

ve a high degree of self-control to pull this off. Otherwise, you can come off as cold, distant, acaring. Of course, when you're trying to sooth a friend and get your fr iend going again, the la

ng you want to do is to come off as cold and distant.

e commanding leadership style really works best only in one particular circumstance. If your

end is going through a personal crisis and simply just needs rapid action, this type of leadersh

proach might work. Also, it works with people who can't seem to respond to other types of

otional leadership. Suffice to say, this is an emotional leadership style that should be a last res

done badly, it can cause more problems than it solves.

understanding the six major emotional leadership styles, you can position yourself to adapt y

otional leadership approach to each person and each situation. Di

the science of likability - charm wit humor and th

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