RBW Online

ISSUE 236 Date: 11th May 2012

Words

Exercises

Assign-

ments

Fiction

Projects

Events

Work-

shops

Thoughts

Your

Pages

Poetry

News

Items

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Issue 236

Page 2

Thoughts & Quotes ...

Anonymous ramblings A Camel is a Horse designed by committee.

Accept nothing, challenge everything.

Act quickly... but not too quickly.

Actions speak louder than words.

A guitarist is only as good as his drummer and bassist

A proof tells us where to concentrate our doubts.

A rolling stone gathers no moss, so there’s nothing to cushion the impact when

it hits.

All or nothing, now.

All That Glitters Is Not Gold, There's Brass And Copper Or It Might Be Plated!

All the world is mad, except thee and me, and even thee's a little mad at times.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. The trick is learning how hard to throw.

An elephant never forgets

Anger is a thief who steals away the nice moments.

Another day another dollar.

Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone truly special to catch your

heart.

Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

As you move through life, set aside good ideas and give them to others to en-

courage and inspire.

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

Attitude: the difference between winners and losers.

Attitude: the difference between squashing and being squashed.

Anything good or bad lies in your eyes.

Be on the world, not of it...As a water drop on a lotus leaf...

Bees that have honey in the mouth have stings in their tails

Beauty fades away.

Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.

Begin with the end in mind.

Better smart than beautiful.

Better lucky than good.

Beware beginnings.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to

be amused.

Build something that's foolproof, and only a fool will use it.

Build something that's foolproof and they invent a better fool.

Issue 236

Page 3

LIFE OBSERVATIONS

Ironic, isn’t it, that as in 1976, when Dennis Howell was appointed as Minister for Drought, as

soon as water restrictions are announced by the government, it rains continuously for the next

six months!

Courier to coach party on landing at a Ferry Port on the Isle of Wight: “As we are now off the

mainland please be sure to set your watches back twenty-five years.”

Gesticulation is not British. (Churchill might not have agreed)

Notice to visitors outside lion

enclosure at a zoo:

Do Not Run

akimbo adj

With a crook or bend; with the hand on the hip and elbow turned outward.

gruelling adj So difficult or taxing as to make one exhausted; backbreaking.

calipers n A device used to measure thickness between two surfaces, especially

for small or precise measurements.

badger v To pester; to annoy persistently.

ribald adj Coarse; lewd; vulgar.

fizzle v To splutter or hiss.

(figuratively) To decay or die off to nothing; to burn out; to end less successfully than

previously hoped.

propinquity n Nearness or proximity.

Affiliation or similarity.

eavesdrop v To hear a conversation one is not intended to hear.

rest on one's laurels v To rely on a past success instead of trying to improve oneself

further.

ample adj Large; great in size, extent, capacity, or bulk. Fully sufficient; abundant;

copious.

CLIVE‟s three free e-books

NOW PUBLISHED on RBW and issuu

http://www.risingbrookwriters.org.uk/DynamicPage.aspx?PageID=52

http://issuu.com/risingbrookwriters

Issue 236

Page 4

Steph‟s FREE poetry e-chapbook is now published on www.issuu.com/risingbrookwriters

and on RBW main site

http://www.risingbrookwriters.org.uk/DynamicPage.aspx?PageID=52

The chapbook is illustrated by some of her original artwork.

She is a member of Stafford Art Group and has exhibited some pieces locally.

Random Words CMH

Humphrey, The Emperor of Carshalton (Pat. Pend.) was busy washing Kate, the Royal Hippo.

„It‟s no good‟ he grumbled. „I just can‟t get the rust off with this stuff. It doesn‟t clean as it says on

the barrel. Mind you it fetches the brickwork up like new, can‟t moan there.‟

He would of course. Well; it‟s no use being an Emperor unless you can moan about SOMETHING,

is it?

„Hoy, you!‟ He shouted across to this weeks “Keeper of the Royal Hippopotamus and Lion Tamer

Extraordinary™ ”; the last one left in a huff on Monday, and Humfers, as his wife called him, didn‟t

expect this one to last long either. He was absolutely useless with the Dragons and Chimera, and as

for Camelopards? Well, the less said about that the better.

“Get me a stronger barrel of Ambrosia IV®©. This stuffs been watered down, until it‟s only fit for

drinking,‟ and to prove the point he had a good swallow from the bucket.

Of course, as it was said later, he should have taken the wire brush out first!

„I find that this unfortunate accident was due to a Lack of Caution by the Late Emp. Hump,‟ said

the new Manly Emperor, who bore a striking resemblance to the previous Keeper of the Royal Hip-

popotamus etc. „Obviously a Seizure brought on by being didactic in the area of cleanliness, even if I

do think that cleaning your nose out with a brush is taking things a bit too far.‟

„Now I don‟t want you to think I‟m Prissy, but, in future we shall be Meticulous and employ a Spe-

cialist to clean the animals and I have just the person for the job on hand. Don‟t I sweetheart „, he

said turning towards his Empress, who bore a striking resemblance to the previous one.

„Yes, Humfers darling’ she said, „that supplier of Ambrosia. He should do nicely!‟

Random words: Didactic. Hippopotamus. Meticulous. Hum-

phrey. Caution. Kate. Seizure. Specialist. Prissy. Clean. Ambro-

sia. Carshalton.

Assignment: Anchors Aweigh — Dragons — Memories

Assignment:-

Penny’s birthday. (With apologies to Paul McCartney!)

When I get older, grey in my hair

Several days from now.

Will I still be getting any Valentine?

Birthday greeting, bottle of wine?

I won’t be out till a quarter to three.

I’ll be in my bed, for sure.

Will you still need me, there’s no need to feed me

Now I’m nearly sixty-four.

Oo oo oo oo oo oo oooo

You’ll all be older too,

And if you just say the word,

I will write with you.

I could be handy, penning a farce,

When your thoughts have gone.

Working on the crazy plot is what I’ll do

Randolph Andover, Danny la Doo.

Doing the spadework, writing the gags,

Who could ask for more?

Will you still need me, there’s no need to feed me

Now I’m nearly sixty-four.

Send me a postcard, drop me a line,

Stating point of view,

Indicate precisely what you mean to say,

Yours sincerely wasting away.

Give me your answer, fill in a form

Please don’t show me the door.

Do you still need me

Now I’m almost sixty-four?

Issue 236

Page 6

New Assignment: Dragons or Memories CMH

Dear Members and Draconista.

This report is an abstract from my next book, due out in six months time, giving further

details of these amazing creatures.

Dragons are said to have long memories. Of course, before making an over-

generalization like that you do need to know which Dragon you are talking about.

The Welsh Dragon [Draconis Cymrae Davidii] is noted for its laziness, short tem-

per, red scales, gathering in groups, known as choirs, singing, and a predilection for mut-

ton. An endangered species they are generally too short sighted for comfort

and have been known to cuddle up to red vans that have escaped from isolated Post Of-

fices. The reasoning is unclear but experts believe that this is why they are endangered.

Chinese dragons [D.Sinensis s.p.] whilst being of a somewhat similar form are,

generally, golden scaled, fluffy and relatively benign creatures who tend to spend much

time in writing bad poetry and only eat fish, except on Saturday nights when a few pints

of lager and an odd Sweet and Sour or a Curry goes missing.

This fortunate concatenation of circumstances means that any poetry surviving the

subsequent conflagration will be badly charred around the edges and discarded.

Now Nationalised this type is subject to stringent export regulations.

European Dragons [D.Off. Smidtii] are named after the first person who, in July

1732, was reliably reported to be partially eaten by one of the breed.

Fortunately, Mr. Smidt proved to be inedible. He was rescued by a confused itiner-

ant St. George, who was late getting started hunting the Ferocious Mad March Hare and

got them mixed up. The report is unclear as to whether the confusion was over to the

Hare, the Dragon or Mr. Smidt.

The small and now extinct Russian Dragon [D. Russ] was the favourite food of the

local bears. Consequently, it may now only be seen as fossils in natural history museums

although, more accurately, it is only seen by fossils in natural history museums.

America has several sorts of Dragon [D.Americana s.p] whose range is now limited

to the northern subcontinent. Little is known of this strange beast, often employed in the

financial services sector, as it invariably hides behind the nearest lawyer pleading the

Fifth Amendment.

The English Dragon [D. Brit s.p] has several known subspecies, all of which in-

habit small and rigid geographical boundaries. The better known of these, the Nanny,

and Matron Subspecies, have the remarkable facility of changing their form and charac-

ter when leaving their nests. The Nanny [D.B. Cubicularis], usually has a solitary or

small group habituation and a blue coloured pelt, however, outside their nests they have

been observed to have metamorphosed into violent colours and joining in large and

noisy groups. This is believed to be part of a mating ritual. Studies, by young virile

males, are ongoing but limited by funding and alcohol tolerance.

Doubtless, there will be other Draconic types reported by avid watchers in the next

few years. Reports are in hand, or claw in some cases, and will be published in the

Dragon Watchers Monthly, available by subscription. Thank you for your attention.

They‟d never miss it for one day. Randolph was transfixed, fascinated by the shiny

object nestling in his palm. It wasn‟t nicking if he was going to take it back. It was

borrowing. It was so pretty. It shone, it glistened, it sparkled in the tiny glint of day-

light that was allowed through the chink in his bedroom curtains so his goldfish

wouldn‟t die of despair.

This bit of bling was just exactly what Victor the Vulongarian would give to

his number one concubine, Princess Angelikka, to cement the alliance with the

King of the Zorrunastrians. Randolph had toyed with the prospect of a marriage

alliance but that thought that brought him out in a rash of boils under his armpit so

he had suppressed it. Concubine it would have to be. He was too young for the

prospect of marriage, even a virtual marriage. His mum said he had „commitment

issues‟ like his dad, wherever he was.

Randolph weighed the item of his desire. It was heavy. Pity it wasn‟t real gold.

It shone like real gold. But, nagh, it was only gold paint. Wasn‟t it?

Should he keep it? Nagh! Barry could copy it and use it for Princess Ange-

likka‟s presentation regalia. It could hang round her neck and snuggle between her

full rounded ...

Randolph‟s armpits started sweating again.

Randolph grabbed his hoodie, „Going out, mum. Got my keys. I‟m going

round to Barry‟s.‟

In the kitchen of 9, Princes‟ Terrace, hands floured and face flushed, Mrs An-

dover who was baking for the WI bake sale, heard the stairs clump and the front

door close as her son went out, the Bluddschott sacred scarab secreted in his

pocket. She smiled, such a nice turn of events, who‟d have thought Randolph

would find a friend through working in the charity shop. And didn‟t his probation

officer, that nice Miss Wainwright, say he needed to be encouraged to go outside

more.

Wikipedia image

Issue 236

Page 8

BY THE SEASIDE - THE LIGHT-

HOUSE

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The rocky ledge runs far into the sea,

And on its outer point, some miles away,

The Lighthouse lifts its massive masonry,

A pillar of fire by night, of cloud by day.

Even at this distance I can see the tides,

Upheaving, break unheard along its base,

A speechless wrath, that rises and subsides

In the white lip and tremor of the face.

And as the evening darkens, lo! how bright,

Through the deep purple of the twilight air,

Beams forth the sudden radiance of its light

With strange, unearthly splendor in the glare!

Not one alone; from each projecting cape

And perilous reef along the ocean's verge,

Starts into life a dim, gigantic shape,

Holding its lantern o'er the restless surge.

Like the great giant Christopher it stands

Upon the brink of the tempestuous wave,

Wading far out among the rocks and sands,

The night-o'ertaken mariner to save.

And the great ships sail outward and return,

Bending and bowing o'er the billowy swells,

And ever joyful, as they see it burn,

They wave their silent welcomes and farewells.

They come forth from the darkness, and their

sails

Gleam for a moment only in the blaze,

And eager faces, as the light unveils,

Gaze at the tower, and vanish while they gaze.

The mariner remembers when a child,

On his first voyage, he saw it fade and sink;

And when, returning from adventures wild,

He saw it rise again o'er ocean's brink.

Steadfast, serene, immovable, the same

Year after year, through all the silent night

Burns on forevermore that quenchless flame,

Shines on that inextinguishable light!

It sees the ocean to its bosom clasp

The rocks and sea-sand with the kiss of peace;

It sees the wild winds lift it in their grasp,

And hold it up, and shake it like a fleece.

The startled waves leap over it; the storm

Smites it with all the scourges of the rain,

And steadily against its solid form

Press the great shoulders of the hurricane.

The sea-bird wheeling round it, with the din

Of wings and winds and solitary cries,

Blinded and maddened by the light within,

Dashes himself against the glare, and dies.

A new Prometheus, chained upon the rock,

Still grasping in his hand the fire of Jove,

It does not hear the cry, nor heed the shock,

But hails the mariner with words of love.

"Sail on!" it says, "sail on, ye stately ships!

And with your floating bridge the ocean span;

Be mine to guard this light from all eclipse,

Be yours to bring man nearer unto man!"

Workers’ Playtime Project

RBW are delighted to announce the free e-book of this project has

been uploaded on to the RBW main website,

Issuu.com/risingbrookwriters

profile page and our Facebook

page

Control/CLICK the picture

The project‟s book is crammed

with colour pictures and

recorded memories.

The actual manuscript is

currently with the printer

and will be released shortly.

Copies of the book will be do-

nated to local libraries and to

all the participating groups.

The main website also contains

MP3 tracks of the memories

for those who prefer to listen to

accounts of oral

social history.

Very shortly the distribution

round of workshops will begin when those taking part will see their

memories in print for the first time and be able to hear the memories of

people from other groups taking part. A Power Point Presentation has

also been prepared for their enjoyment.

Issue 236

Page 10

STAFFORD ART GROUP

SUMMER EXHIBITION

8th MAY to 26th MAY

ANCIENT HIGH HOUSE

Also

ODDFELLOWS HALL

OPEN EXHIBITION Friday 18th and

Saturday 19th May

Prize winners - portraits

landscapes — watercolours — oils — acrylics.

Demonstrations.

Something for all tastes and pockets.

Refreshments with home made cakes available at the

Oddfellows. Exhibition.

PRESS RELEASE : YOUR LIBRARY Comic Poet

Paul Fox former Poet in Resi-dence at Radio Derby and JCB Rocester will be holding a poetry and creative writing workshop at Baswich Library on Thursday

17th May 7.00—9.00 pm. Free to attend.

For more details please contact Baswich Library on 01785 663355.

Issue 236

Page 11

PRESS RELEASE UPDATE FROM BRIT WRITERS

THE MILLIONAIRE BOOTCAMP FOR AUTHORS

8th -10th June 2012

Have you ever dreamed of publishing success or becoming an international bestselling author? If so, you really must attend The MILLIONAIRE BOOTCAMP FOR AUTHORS, in London in a few weeks time.

This event will help get you out of 'stuck' and up to the next level FAST... whether you just have a book idea or you've already published your book.

The speakers will show you how to: * Make £1 million+ sales from your book or e-books. * Earn $20,000 per month publishing on Kindle.

* Earn £100K from a single speaking engagement. * Quickly and easily achieve international bestseller status. * Get your book into most high street stores like WH Smith.

* And much much more...

You'll also be able to rub shoulders with literary agents and publishers on the look out for new talent…

Click here for more information and to book your tickets!

Research has shown that most books sell 3000 copies or less...

So if you're serious about the success of your book, you really can't afford to miss this „one-off‟ event. This is your golden opportunity to be trained by successful millionaire bestselling authors who can show you the short-

cuts - and help you avoid the costly and time-consuming mistakes they had to make. PS. For a limited time only, you'll also get £1K of free publishing bonuses, if you buy your ticket right now. Click here

for more information and to book your tickets!

Author/Business Promotional Package & Schools Territory Partnership

For a limited period only, we are merging these two fantastic programmes to give writers/authors the opportunity to benefit from publicising their writing through the Brit Writers Promotional Package, and become one of our valued Schools Territory Partners, so you can promote your book, product or service while exclusively sponsoring ALL

schools in your town or city. There is a cost so it‟s only designed for those who are serious about promoting their book and/or business. Go to the APP & STP information page and send us the completed application to be considered. Get a feel for how it‟s working from this article about Rachel Johnson, Author and Schools Territory Partner.

Picture the Story…

Our new monthly competition will feature a selected photograph and we want you to tell us what you think it says…

Submit a story, poem or song in no more than 300 words. Challenge your creative writing skills, join in and have a go!

The rules? There aren‟t any, just be as creative as you can.

The winner will be announced mid May and will receive a high quality mounted print of the image, thanks to our part-ners, RKL Photography. We will also include the winning piece in the following month‟s e-bulletin and on our web-site. The winner of April‟s competition will be announced on our website on 14th May 2012.

To help you write your masterpiece, go to our Services Section for a range of helpful „How to...‟ resources.

This monthly competition is free to enter and the deadline for this month is Thursday 31st May 2012 at 5.00pm. Please email your submissions to picturethestory@britwriters.co.uk

Issue 236

Page 12

UPDATE FROM THE POETRY LIBRARY Latest Competitions: Virginia Warbey Poetry Prize 2012 | Closing Date: 19-May-12 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/competitions/?id=1181 Proverse Prize 2012 | Closing Date: 31-May-12 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/competitions/?id=1180 The Psychiatry Research Trust Poetry Competition2012 |Closing Date:31-May-12 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/competitions/?id=1177 Earlyworks Press Poetry Competition 2012 | Closing Date: 31-May-12 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/competitions/?id=1185 Sentinel Literary Quarterly Poetry Competition |Closing Date:20-Jun-12 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/competitions/?id=1182

New Magazines: Dead Ink http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/magazines/emagazines/?id=651 Asterisk * http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/magazines/magazines/?id=649 Incandescent http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/magazines/magazines/?id=648 Under the Radar http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/magazines/magazines/?id=647 Camarillo Review, http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/magazines/emagazines/?id=645

There’s just one more month to this year’s Wirral Festival of Firsts, Hoylake, 2012!

Sign up to perform at the Poetry Proms on Sunday 8th July 2012 www.festivaloffirsts.co.uk/poetryProms.html Simply e-mail your details to dave@festivaloffirsts.co.uk including full name and postal address, telephone number, and we’ll sort out the rest. Please let us know by 1st June 2012 latest. Enter the Festival of Firsts Open Poetry Competition – closing date 1 June 2012 http://www.festivaloffirsts.co.uk/festival_of_firsts_poetry_competition.html Don’t forget to enter the Festival of Firsts Open Poetry Competition 2012. Any surplus from the competition will be donated to Claire House, Wirral’s Hospice for Sick Children as last year. Winners will be notified on 1st July 2012). There are 3 categories, each for poems up to 40 lines: (a) Open poetry competition. First prize £100, then 2 x £50 prizes; (b) Humorous poetry competition. Prizes as category (a); (c) Under 16s Poetry competition. First prize £50 in book vouchers. 4 x runners-up at £25.00 each. Adjudicators: Jan Dean, Andrew Rudd and Colin Watts. Entry Fee: £3 per poem, £5 for 2 poems (Free for under 16s) Address entries: FOF Poetry Competition, 71 Alderley Road, Hoylake, CH47 2AU

Buy a ticket for the Wirral Festival of First’s Poetry Concert starring John Hegley, Friday 6th July 2012 at 7:30 pm Tickets available from Tickets Wirral Tel: 01516660000 / Online: www.ticketswirral.com (Apart from John Hegley’s performance, we will be presenting prizes for the poetry competition)

Have your poems exhibited to the public in shop windows throughout Hoylake in “Gallery Hoylake” 23 June – 8 July 2012 All poets who register for the Poetry Proms are invited to send in a poem to be displayed in Gallery Hoylake 23 June - 8July, 2012. What this means is that we will print off and laminate poems you send us and display them in shop windows up and down Hoylake’s Market Street – this is one of several ways we are trying to bring poetry into the heart of our community. We will need to have these poems from you by email to dave@festivaloffirsts.co.uk by Friday 8 June 2012 to give our volunteers enough time to get them ready for the “Gallery”.

PRESS RELEASE UPDATE: Given your support for The Poetry Trust, we want you to be among the first to hear the excellent news. After a year of great uncer-tainty, we’re very glad (and relieved) to let you know that we have been awarded significant Grants for the Arts Lottery funding to back the transformational devel-opment of the Festival over the next three years. The 24th Aldeburgh Poetry Festival will definitely go ahead, so you can ink the weekend of 2–4 Novem-ber 2012 in your diary today. Now that the Arts Council has endorsed our exciting plans for the Festival’s fu-ture, we can share them with you. After a decade of being more or less at capac-ity, we’ve been given the green light to expand into glorious new venues – Aldeburgh Music’s superb facilities at Snape Maltings. This year the main readings will take place in the beautiful Britten Studio which seats 340. And the craft talks, close readings, discussions and other events will be spread across several similarly high quality spaces – holding 60 to 125 – on the Snape campus. More room to welcome more people to the Festival. There’ll be a big foyer area just for the bookstall and, at last, a dedicated place for

food, drink and conversation: a real Poetry Festival café with views across the Suffolk marshes. Expanding to Snape is the natu-ral development of our relation-ship with Aldeburgh Music. To-gether we’ve already presented nine triumphant Poetry Proms – bringing audiences of 800 for live poetry each summer – and now it’s time for this same part-nership to deliver an unrivalled poetry experience each autumn.

Rest assured, the spirit of the Festival and its unique format won’t change. The same programming team is still in charge and we can guarantee the customary fresh line-up of brilliant poets from all over the world. And we’re definitely not abandoning Aldeburgh. Each day will start and finish in our traditional Peter Pears Gallery and James Cable Room venues. We’re sure that most of the audi-ence – and certainly all our Festival poets – will continue to stay in the town. That’s why we’ll be running a free shuttle bus service between Aldeburgh and Snape (a 10-15 minute trip) throughout the weekend. Because we know that part of the Festival magic will always include walks on the shingle, fish and chips on the sea wall, browsing in the Aldeburgh Bookshop. We’ll certainly keep you in the picture about what’s happening in this momentous year. We’re making a short film to introduce the Snape locations and to explain more about the Festival’s next chapter – available in June via our website and on YouTube. We’re launching a new Festival Friends scheme in the summer – with a range of new benefits on offer. And of course the full Festival programme will be coming your way in August. Do join us this November for the unmissable Aldeburgh Poetry Festival in its ex-ceptional new setting. The best place for the best words.

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