Issue 432 8th April 2016

Heads Up: RBW

workshops are starting their new storyline plotting

RBW Workshops have a temporary ‘home’ in April at

Rising Brook Baptist Church Centre Cafe

Monday at 1.30pm start

FLASH FICTION: strange, angel, potage, pheasant, technician, sky,

holiday, wallet, drinking

Assignment: rivers, springs and wells

A warm welcome awaits. COME to WORKSHOP ... Temporary home: Rising Brook Baptist Church Cafe until 25th April. Workshops same time 1.30 Monday.

BONUS ... It‘s warm.

Cover image: Rising Brook Church Centre

Here’s a jolly wheeze ... F.F.F.

Fast Flash Fiction: Write a story in SIX words ...

No swearing, please. No political name calling.

Sounds easy until you try it.

Reading can seriously damage

ignorance

LIBRARY CUTS : In Staffordshire since 2010 four libraries

have closed, librarian paid staff have been cut from 465 in

2010 down to 351 now. There were 240 unpaid volunteers in

libraries in 2010, there are 454 volunteers so far today.

Source BBC survey report.

www.issuu.com/risingbrookwriters

www.risingbrookwriters.org.uk/DynamicPage.aspx?PageID=15

APRIL 6 -

THE FLAT RATE NEW STATE PENSION THAT ISN'T FLAT AND NEVER WILL BE

Being a nerd on the flat rate new state pension coming into law from April 6, because of a petition run

by me since the Pension Bill 2014 was passed, hoovered up by me is any information as the govern-ment find out from the people what the flat rate brings about. This is because any generic figure for

the same amount of National Insurance years has gone, from a far more complex set of reasons now to reduce the full figure. Why am I so interested? Because from 2014 I lost my state pension pay-out from 60 to 65 in age from Pension Bill 2011, and became interested in reading anything about the

state pension changes, in detail. As I understand it ... and this is a personal view and should not be viewed as legal advice ...

only 13% of those retiring from 6th April, will get the full flat rate amount, which is still on the bread-line if were low waged in life and only have the state pension in old age, with little or no works pen-sion. Not because people did not bother to get one, but because works and private pensions have a

minimum salary threshold to get access to one, which continues to this day under Auto Enrolment rules. This is because below a certain wage, any such pension would be all eaten up by the admin costs to the pension firm.

One consequence of the flat rate law is that the guaranteed minimum pension also reduces the state pension amount you get, which was put into your works pension to offset having your pension

opted out of SERPs (the additional pension) that hardly anybody understands, least of all government. Each person will get a different amount to each other from now on. So government can only now be-gin to learn about the flat rate, from the pension forecasts to new pensioners now being received by

them. One consequence around the GMP and the flat rate, is that my employment pension will have

no rise for this coming new tax year at all. However, council tax has risen as will other house bills, no doubt. But the flat rate new state pension law has yet another sting in its tail.

Around 80% of all workers, especially in public sector jobs, were opted out of SERPs as an en-tire workforce. The flat rate abolishes SERPs from next week, so around 6 million workers will be pay-ing the full National Insurance deductions from their annual wages. So this is about 1.4% more de-

ducted from annual salary. But councils, schools and NHS and other such bodies will have to find more employer National

Insurance contributions to pay to government, as they lose the 3.4 per cent rebate on their employer NI contributions on the jobs of these 80% of workers now no longer opted out of SERPs, as SERPs ends next week. More public sector works pensions are opted out of SERPs than private works pen-

sions. The defined contribution (money purchase) works pension scheme no longer was opted out from 2012. The defined benefit pension scheme went on being opted out until now, when contracting

out from SERPs ends next week under the flat rate. Sending off Form BR19 pension forecast will have government tell you if you were contracted out of SERPs any time in your working life, especially if you are approaching state pension age in next

5 years.

Christine Williams: Fight to revoke Pension Bill 2014 (flat rate law 2016): https://you.38degrees.org.uk/petitions/state-pension-at-60-now

WASPI women campaigning group https://www.facebook.com/WASPI-Women-Against-State-Pension-Inequality-Campaign-877054125688402/ National Audit Office - people with guaranteed minimum pensions

http://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/pensions/article-3508102/National-Audit-Office-launches-attack-state-pension-shambles.html Former Pensions Minister Steve Webb, who was Minister who brought in the flat rate law in the first place, who

now says, when he is no longer an MP: "In schools and hospitals, they'll have to pay more in but the govern-ment hasn't given them any more to pay it with."... http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/george-osbornes-sneaky-tax-raid-7642243

'Which' guide to works pensions and contracting out from SERPs (the additional pension) http://www.which.co.uk/money/retirement/guides/contracting-out-of-state-second-pension-s2p/what-contracting-out-means/

Link to form to print off - Form BR19 state pension forecast https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/434421/br19-feb-2015-print.pdf

Latest Competitions: Canterbury Festival Poet of the Year Competition 2016 | Closing Date: 17-Jun-16 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/competitions/?id=1901 The McLellan Poetry Prize 2016 | Closing Date: 19-Jun-16 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/competitions/?id=1897 The London Magazine Poetry Prize 2016 | Closing Date: 30-Jun-16 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/competitions/?id=1896

The Foyle Young Poets of the Year Award 2016 | Closing Date: 31-Jul-16 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/competitions/?id=1898

New Magazines: Visual Verse http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/magazines/emagazines/?id=766

New Exhibitions: Conceptual Poetics | 24-May-16 to 03-Jul-16 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/exhibitions/current/?id=113

Latest News: Shanghati Oral History Project: call out for poets! | 30-Mar-16 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/news/poetryscene/?id=1485

Arc Publications launches Translatory | 21-Mar-16 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/news/poetryscene/?id=1484

Syrian poet killed by Isis | 21-Mar-16 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/news/poetryscene/?id=1483

Shortlist for Ted Hughes Award announced | 15-Mar-16 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/news/poetryscene/?id=1481

Jackie Kay is Scotland's new Makar | 15-Mar-16 http://www.poetrylibrary.org.uk/news/poetryscene/?id=1480

Random Words: empty, self, light, orange, ancient, woodland, match, spring, daily, grandmother, basket, duck, afford The sun was an orange ball of light hanging in a cerulean sky that spring morning. Grace, her little self oblivious, skipped along the woodland path holding the hand of her grandmother who was carrying a basket; the head of a duck was lolling out of the side of the wickerwork. The ancient bird, all skin and feathers, was all she could afford for their dinner. Their cupboards were empty. The daily grind of poverty was dragging them forwards towards the brink of the unthinkable: it was a good match, the twice widowed miller was a rich man, she would want for nothing (except a life). A bony hand patted the child‘s curls. Maybe, they could hold out until her eighth birthday ...

Elagabalus (reigned 218-222) is perhaps the most

bizarre of all the Roman Emperors. He was just four-

teen when he took the throne after a brief civil war. His

success was organized by his maternal grandmother,

Julia Maesa, the sister-in-law of the Emperor Septimius

Severus (reigned 193-211), the only emperor in a pe-

riod of half a century to die in his bed. Julia's family were Syrians, and from his late father,

Varius Avitus Bassianus, the boy inherited the hereditary priesthood of El Gabal, the Syrian

sun god, at Emesa: hence the name by which he is usually known.

The young emperor's dedication to his god was such that he brought the sun-god's symbol,

a black phallic-shaped meteorite, to Rome, to be housed in a vast new temple on the Palatine

hill. The stone was carried into the city on an richly decorated chariot, with Elagabalus

ahead of it, walking backward to face the god. The senators were obliged to stand and

watch.

Elagabalus was married at least three times during his brief reign, including once to a Ves-

tal Virgin, but he showed little interest in any of his wives. He seems to have been entirely

homosexual. He is described as flouncing about in women's clothes and makeup, and his

most elaborately celebrated marriage was as "bride" to the charioteer Hierocles. He headed

an expensive court, with exotic banquets where he enjoyed playing practical jokes on the

senators.

After four years of this, his grandmother decided things had gone too far, and she arranged

that Elagabalus should be murdered by the Praetorian Guards. His body was thrown in the

Tiber, and he was replaced as Emperor by his 14-year-old cousin Alexander Severus

(another of Julia Maesa's grandsons), who was more sober in his habits. Alexander reigned

till 235, before he in his turn was murdered by the soldiers. The sacred black stone of El

Gabal was returned to its home in Emesa, where its worship continued undiminished after its

brief sojourn in Rome.

Edward Gibbon, in his "Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire", was at his most magisterial

on the subject of Elagabalus (whom he called "Heliogabalus", after the Roman sun-god):-

"The grave senators confessed with a sigh that, after having long experienced the stern tyr-

anny of their own countrymen, Rome was at length humbled beneath the effeminate luxury

of Oriental despotism"; and again:- "The corrupt and opulent nobles of Rome gratified every

vice that could be collected from the mighty conflux of nations and manners. Secure of im-

punity, careless of censure, they lived without restraint in the patient and humble society of

their slaves and parasites. The emperor, in his turn, viewing every rank of his subjects with

the same contemptuous indifference, asserted without control his sovereign privilege of lust

and luxury". How about that for rolling eighteenth century prose? (It has been said that

"Gibbon's description of the vices of Elagabalus beats a hasty retreat behind a decent veil of

Latin footnotes"!)

Footnote: Elagabalus's official name as Emperor was Marcus Aurelius Antoninus. It was put about that his real father

was Septimius Severus's son Caracalla (reigned 211-217), who had been popular with the soldiers.

The peach tree on the southern wall

The peach tree on the southern wall

Has basked so long beneath the sun,

Her score of peaches great and small

Bloom rosy, every one.

A peach for brothers, one for each,

A peach for you and a peach for me;

But the biggest, rosiest, downiest peach

For Grandmamma with her tea.

Christina Georgina Rossetti (5 December 1830 – 29 December 1894)

was an English poet who wrote a variety of romantic,

devotional, and children's poems. She is famous for

writing Goblin Market and Remember, and the words

of the Christmas carol In the Bleak Midwinter. She was

the sister of the pre-Raphaelite artist

Dante Gabrielle Rossetti and to two writers Maria and

William Rossetti.

Biography:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christina_Rossetti

Scorzonera – An Old Fashioned Root Vegetable

Last year I tried starting a lot of my seeds off in seed boxes and cell trays with vary-

ing success. It was always said by the old time gardeners that you couldn’t transplant

root vegetable seedlings, but never the less I tried it with some beetroot seedlings and

had great success. However, the Scorzonera seedlings did not give the same results.

Perhaps the beetroot were O.K. as they didn’t have long, tapering, roots unlike the

Scorzonera that are more like a thin Parsnip, but are even thinner and longer. Maybe

it wasn’t helped either by the still quite stony soil, as the new allotment had only been

started that season. Whatever the reason, when I dug up a couple of roots in the Win-

ter I was not impressed one little bit. They had made lots of healthy looking top

growth, but the roots had forked badly. So, I left them in the ground in disgust.

Come the Spring the Scorzonera started putting on fresh growth and then started

going to seed, so I dug them all up in late May as I wanted the space for other things.

The tops still looked good and the roots seemed to have filled out, but all of them had

forked roots. Many of the clumps of roots were obviously too thin to be of use, but I

trimmed them and took them home anyway. On getting home I read that they are one

of the few root vegetables that can successfully be left in the ground over winter

without rotting. Their seed is on sale everywhere, but they are not very popular at all,

not because they are difficult to grow, but probably because they are a bit of a fiddle

too cook and prepare for eating.

Cooking is best done before the Scorzonera roots are peeled, or skinned, in

much the same way as you might beetroot. The books say that the roots should be

scrubbed well and then cut into 2 inch lengths before being boiled in salted water that

has had a little lemon juice added. After 20 minutes or so, they can be removed, and

while still warm, the white pieces of Scorzonera should be “squeezed” out of their

black skins. My roots were a little thin and therefore quite fiddly, but the process

definitely worked and for good measure I dropped them briefly back into hot,

“lemoned,” water before serving. It seemed a lot of trouble to go to, but I was actu-

ally quite impressed with their taste.

The next day my brother came, so I decided to serve some up again and made a

fancy starter out of them. A little melted butter drizzled on to half a dozen small

pieces of Scorzonera each, along with a bit of fancy salad trimmings and they made

quite an exotic starter. Comments varied about their taste and texture from being a lit-

tle rubbery and oyster like, to being reminiscent of Asparagus. They certainly had a

flavour and texture unlike other vegetables and went down very well with the family.

So much so, that they asked if I had anything in any books about them, after which

the guests all stuck their noses into the books reading up about them. When I looked

them up in the books myself I found that the young stalks can also be blanched and

treated like Celery and the new, tender leaves, used as greens.

Next time I will try to grow Scorzonera properly by sowing the seed directly

into the allotment and hopefully with no transplanting, they won’t produce forked

roots. With a little care they won’t even need thinning because each seed is about 1/3

of an inch long and so can easily be sown individually, but I think that they

are definitely something worth trying again.

Overheard Conversation Exercise:

From the safety of the control centre Director Sappiro listened to the interrogation be-ginning in the laboratory visible through the one way mirror which made up one side

the room. ‗Who decided?‘ asked Aidan. It was reasonable question, so Dr Wisung replied. ‗It was a joint decision.‘ He carried on working at the bench with a laser lance. ‗Was it in my best interests, or the best interest of others? If so of whom?‘ Again this was a reasonable line of questioning. ‗It was mutually beneficial,‘ Dr Wisung replied. ‗Why was it decided?‘ asked Aidan. ‗Had I done something wrong? Was it a punish-

ment?‘ Dr Wisung considered the questions. This line of search for certainty was indicative

of cognitive reasoning. He decided to respond. ‗Define wrong? Define punishment?‘ Aidan looked at the straps and buckles attached to his wrists and ankles. ‗It must

be obvious that I am being restricted from movement.‘ His body was covered with a material of some kind and he had no feeling beneath his neck. His head was held firm.

Dr Wisung nodded. ‗This is a statement of fact. One must therefore accept it as truth.‘

‗For how long have I been restrained?‘ ‗Have you no memory of the passing of time?‘ ‗Surely, that is a relative concept. To recognise the passing of time one would need

some visual reference if one did not possess a time piece.‘ He couldn‘t see his hand and assumed his communication device had been removed.

Dr Wisung considered. There was no atomic clock-face or digital read out in the laboratory within Aidan‘s field of vision. Being in space there was no reference from

the one small porthole which merely showed the blackness of the void through which they were travelling.

‗It has been twenty five units since we began your debriefing.‘ ‗Define units?‘ said Aidan. ‗In correlation to what?‘ ‗To my planetary time. A day split into 24hours. A day meaning one spin of the

planet on its axis. A full year of seasons being split into 365 days meaning one com-plete orbit.‘

Dr Wisung calculated. ‗An orbit of 365 days would equate to a planet ... ‗ he went silent and consulted a screen. ‗25 days equating to 25 spins. A Goldilocks Planet ... The reference is beyond my understanding.‘

Aidan allowed the measurement to sink in. It was a long time. Had he been re-

strained in this way for 25 Earth days. He didn‘t think so. But he had little memory of being anywhere else but in this room. That was a surprise. He had no memory of anything other than watching Dr Wisung working at his bench. Dr Wisung had obvi-ously acquired the computer database from a ship and was trying to understand. Was it from his ship?

‗So this restraint is not a punishment?‘ ‗Did I say that it was?‘ ‗Where have I come from?‘ Dr Wisung looked up and stopped tinkering with screen. ‗You have no memory?‘ ‗No. I have no clear memories. Who am I? Where do I come from?‘ ‗This is progress.‘ The doctor returned to his work and Director Sappiro nodded, this

find could be a more valuable asset than first anticipated. He sanctioned continuation. (SMS)

Image Wikipedia : NASA, ESA, and the Hubble Heritage Team (STScI/AURA)-ESA/Hubble Collaboration - HubbleSite:

LH 95 stellar nursery in the Large Magellanic Cloud

“ALL THAT

JAZZ”

Won the vote and

will be the next

RBW farce.

ALL THAT JAZZ. CAST OF CHARACTERS

Many of these characters are two dimensional as yet: where you have a physical description in mind please write it in some-where so that we all know about it. AND check these notes for updates and send in any updates please.

Hotel staff free for all to use - opening gambits by CMH. Nigel Thomas Bluddschott – Manager part owner of ‗Hotel Bluddschott'. Married to Winifred. Tubby, balding, brown hair,

brown eyes, 34, 5' 7‖ tall. Tenor voice but wobbly and hesitant unless using a prepared script. Not good at thinking on his feet. If something CAN go wrong it WILL. Smuggles brandy, fags and other taxable goods as a part time job.

Winfred Alice Bluddschott (nee Gray) – Manager part owner of ‗Hotel Bluddschott'. Wife of Nigel. Plump more than tubby, brown hair bleached blonde, brown eyes, 35, 5' 6‖ tall. MUCH more capable than hubby with a hard edge to her speech.

CMH.

Sally Gray. - A MYSTERY WOMAN in any case. Don't know (yet) if she's staff, entertainer (torch singer or fan dancer) or

guest. Youngish woman. Tall, hazel eyes, auburn hair, very capable. I have her earmarked as an ex-QA/WRNS/WRAF

officer who has just completed her time & wants to 'get away from it all'. BUT, she could be something entirely different! Norbert Bunbury. Staff, driver and odd job man at the HB. Was Infantryman – possibly W.O.2 (Sgt. Maj.) or higher. I fancy a field promotion, mid 1918, not a Sandhurst man – with a few gongs to his credit. Tall, brown eyes, dark brown hair. Well built.

Blackleg Bill Bluddschott - the ghost of. AT and CMH Comic relief characters. You never know! These ladies may, possibly, be descended from those who went with Captain Fowlnett onboard 'The Star' in 'Packet to India'. They are middle aged, overweight, often slightly 1-over-the-8 and about to be tented! Vera Accrington -

Gloria Stanley - Dorothy Calcutt (their much younger niece) Ronnie Manservant only lasts a day.

NP Griggleswade (Griggles). Flyboy. Ex-RAF now working for M.I.5 (or something) as some kind of 'Air Detective'. Ch. Supt. Chorlton-cum-Hardy. Previously Colonel. Griggles superior officer in M.I.5

Mossy. Working with Griggles. Windle. Working with Griggles. Jones. Aircraft mechanic works for Griggles.

Wilhelm von Eisenbahn, aka Osbert Lessly or 'Big Shorts'. Khaki Shorts leader. Comrade 'Ironside' aka Joseph. Lenin boys leader. Comrade Plotskie aka Leon. Assistant to 'Ironside'.

ACW.

Christiana Aggott posing as Lady Arbuthnot Christian. Novelist. Actually married to Col. Beaumont Walsgrave but using a nom-de-plume for secrecy; & for advertising purposes about her new book, 'The man who shed crocodile tears'. (This neatly gets the requisite reptile into the plot line)

Arbuthnot Aggott or Uncle Arbuthnot. Head of a Security Organisation (Home Office?) Christiana is working for him.

General Arbuthnot Aggott. Christiana's father and brother of Arbuthnott Aggott. Something in the War Office (as the

MoD (Army) was known then) to do with Counter Espionage. Col. Beaumont Walsgrave. Christiana's sorely missed hubby.

Bright Young Things: Ruby Rawlings, Charlotte Ponsonby-Smythe & Katherine Wallasey. Bright Young Things brothers: Everet Rawlings, Eugene Ponsonby-Smythe & Virgil Wallasey.

Communists et al ACW Comrade St. John. Lenin boys Comrade Bunson-Smythe. Lenin boys

Bro.?? Muckleby. Leader of 'The Workers Party' also something to do with Arbuthnot Aggott. Bruder Wilhelm Bergmann. German trades union leader.

Bro. Kevin Harvey. A Workers Party member. (Changed from Hardy) Ernst Graf von Rockenbaker. Sir John Keithly.

Lord John Markham. Sir Martin Wickham.

SMS. Barnard Hot Sax Player Musician and nice guy. Errol Holiday. Band leader and piano player Tallulah tubby torch singer Errol‘s girl friend, hates Jo-Jo Jo-Jo. Fan dancer from Red Parrot Club, Paris sister of Errol. Hates Tallulah.

Cpt Digby Makepeace — hotel guest Barrington nephew of Makepeace knew Jo-Jo in Paris and knows PoWales.

LF Rooster Pearmaine detective — drunkard

Balsom Fry valet Cpt Hove-Brighton assistant on trail of missing novelist

AP

Boys and Girls Camp‘s characters and storyline Gilbert and Walter

Simon Bligh pack leader Jenny H.B. STAFF LIST. Awaiting names/descriptions and free to use. Head Waiter. Head Gardener. Head Chef. (Unnamed but has been used) Geordie pretending to be a French Chef, as they get paid more. No good at accents. Head porter/Concierge. 'Dell boy'. He knows about the smuggling racket. Wine Waiter/Sommelier/barman. All on the take from the 'duty free' wine.

CMH Helpful ? NOTE 1. If you are going to involve Security Forces (police and military) then please note that there was nothing like the MoD, it was FOUR (4) separate organisations. Admiralty for the Royal Navy. War Office for the Army. Air Ministry for the RAF. The Home Office for the Police. However, Policing was done by County/Borough. The Home Secretary couldn't give orders to the Chief Constable and the Met. was ―Asked to assist‖ if he thought they were required. I would think that Trentby, being a City or Borough would have its own Police force. Just to make things interesting H.M.Customs was – still is - a part of the Treasury. As civil servants, they did NOT have military rank equivalence or titles nor, except for two of the higher grades, dress uniforms. It gets complicated because in 1923 there were a few organisational 'hold-overs' from earlier times and some officers did get working uniforms issued.

Finale

The last guest, or if you prefer to think of it that way, purse, was escorted by the porter‘s hand,

metaphorically at least, held out for a tip, into the waiting charabanc. With the causeway repaired, apart from a few fugitive potholes, and the tide almost well out, there were cabs drawn up on the

town beach to take them from there to the railway station, or in-town destinations. The 'Entertainment Staff' breathed a sigh of mixed relief and dread, it was coming up to 'Panto

Season' when they were subjected to an unending barrage of bad songs; usually sung worse, a

cast who couldn't hold a note, keep to tune or time, forgot their lines, a theatre that was either dead or rowdy and a conductor who could lose his way on a half-page score.

The 'Service Staff' knew that they had the long haul of moving, and cleaning, and moving, and scrubbing, and moving, and washing, and moving, and repairing, and moving things before their year ended.

However, the ghost of Blackleg Bill Bluddschott, having escaped from the island by stowing away in the boiler of 'Rusty' the steam navvy, was at a loss. He was free, for a certain value of

free, from the curse that had kept him on the island, but didn't know what to do. Floating into a strange building he heard his favourite sound; the sound of a steam whistle, and there, in front of

him was a boiler he could ride in. Without more ado he shot into the water tank and was pushed into the lovely, warm, interior.

He resisted the familiar pulling sensation, he'd been cold for long enough, now he wanted to be

warm for a while. The engine driver opened the regulator and the 4-15 Glasgow express pulled out of the station bound for all points North of Bristol.

'I'm glad to be off that island, our Gloria. What with the storm, that Blood-snot feller messin' things up at the start, and the strike, and them khaki shorts turnin' out to be policemen in dis-guise, and all them other things. All that messing about fair got on me nerves it did.'

'It were our Dot runnin' off to be a jazz singer with that trumpet player that seems funny to me, but I thought the food was good. I mean it's not as if Dot can speak jazz, she had enough

trouble with that French onion seller last year. Now our Vera, what time did you say that this here train was leaving?'

'The Large Magnificent and Stately railway always runs on time … '

'Except when it don't, our Vera, except when it don't.' Vera ignored this ill-mannered interjection, after all hadn't second cousin Freddy been on the

railways!? '… and the sign says that this one, what's the Glasgow Express, leaves at 4-15; so we'll be leaving at 4-15 on the dot!' As she spoke there was a blast on the whistle, a cloud of

smoke and steam on the platform and, exactly on time, the 4-15 Glasgow Express pulled out from platform three.

Vera and Gloria knew that as they sat and watched it pull out from inside a second class car-

riage on platform two.

Sally Gray flopped into a chair in the guests lounge and said to Norbert Bunbury, 'Well that's

that! They're all off, I'm totally exhausted and we've still got the accounts to do.' Norbert who had carried out much of the departing guests luggage sat down within easy reach

of her hand. 'That can wait until tomorrow, Sally. All we need to do now is count the money in the

tills, lock it in the safe, add it to the ledger and forget it until we get up in the morning. Then, nice and fresh from a good night‘s sleep, we'll get it all squared up in no time at all.'

'You may be able to forget it, I shan't, Norbert. It'll be on my mind all night.' 'Well we'd better do something to take it off your mind then. First job is to get some food

into us, quick march to the kitchens, Miss Gray. I'm going to cook you one of my special pancakes.

Guaranteed to make a man of you, although maybe I'd better not. I don't want a man in my bed.' Sally giggled and swatted his hand, 'Make one for yourself then. I do want a man in mine!'

Hobby blog next week: Novice tries her hand at upholstery. Do you like Auctions? Blog opportunity.

Mr Spooner rakes a tide.

A little while ago I was travelling on a train, I was reading a book but I couldn‘t help overhearing two people chatting away in the seats in front of me. I will call them Fred and Bill.

Fred started ‗I got up this morning and had trouble fighting the liar, I am having trouble with the pleating and humming.‘

Bill ‗Indeed.‘ ‗Yes I got it going and shook a tower before dressing.‘ ‗What?‘

‗Then I went down stairs and hit my bunny phone on the bannisters.‘ ‗Did it hurt?‘

‗I‘ll say it did, go help me sod.‘ ‗What did you do then?‘

‗I sat down and trimmed my noe tails before breakfast.‘ ‗What did you have for breakfast?‘ ‗Oh, Teens on Boast and a pink of drop.‘

‗Did you enjoy that?‘ ‗I‘ll say I did. I sat down and read a book while my breakfast went down.‘

‗What book was that?‘ ‗It was by Darles Chickens, a Sale of two Titties.‘ ‗What did you do yesterday?‘

‗I went for a job interview as a rental deceptionist. I had to put on my cat flap because it was roaring with pain.‘

‗Yes it was cold, did you get the job?‘ ‗Yes, I did. I‘m as mean as custard to get started.‘

At that point I had to go to the toilet and when I got back the conversation had moved on. Bill asked a question ‗What did you do on your holiday the other week?‘ Fred replied ‗I caught the town drain to Dover before going to France.‘

‗Did you go by the tunnel or ferry?‘ ‗I caught the cross flannel cherry, I don‘t like the tunnel.‘

‗See anything interesting on the crossing?‘ ‗Yes, the Navy was out with cattle ships and bruisers with their hags flung out.‘

Another interruption as the ticket inspector came to check our tickets. Apparently the holiday was over and Fred was back in England.‘ Bill asked a question ‗Any trouble with Customs?‘

Fred again ‗Not me but the bloke in front had several gold watches in his luggage. He tried to explain but the Customs Officer said it was all a lack of pies and confiscated the lot.‘

I heard the rustle of paper as they opened their snacks and Fred started up again. ‗Would like a nasal hut Bill or would you prefer a jetflap?‘

‗Thanks Fred.‘ said Bill At this point I had reached my destination had to leave Fred and Bill chatting away happily, if some-what confusingly.

Conversation Exercise:

No Sugar Fruit Cake (or egg or dairy or fat) Ingredients: 8oz/250g/2 cups of cooking dates with the stones removed. 10 fl.oz/300ml/one and a quarter cups of water. You could substitute a quarter cup of brandy or

sherry for a quarter cup of the water if you like. 6oz/175g/one and a quarter cups of wholemeal flour or gluten free equivalent.

1 lb/450g/3 cups of mixed dried fruit of your choice - including lots of dried apricots works very well. (1 cup is 250ml)

2 level teaspoons of baking powder. 1 level teaspoon of mixed spice.

4 tablespoons of orange juice. (For citrus fruit intolerance substitute 1 tablespoonful of balsamic vinegar and 2 tablespoonfuls of water.)

For decoration: You can either do a traditional marzipan and white icing topping or use rows of dif-ferent nuts such as walnuts, pecans, brazils and almonds.

Method

Heat the dates and water until the dates are soft. Remove from heat and mash with a fork or po-tato masher. Sieve together the flour, baking powder and spice. Then mix together all the ingredi-

ents and mix well. Spoon into a greased 2lb/900g lined cake tin and level top. If using the nut top-ping place rows of different nuts on top of the cake prior to cooking. Bake at 170°C/340°F (150°C

for a fan oven) for about an hour and a half until cooked, testing with a skewer after about an hour and a quarter. Leave to cool in the tin for half an hour, remove from the tin and let the cake cool on a cooling rack. Once cooled the nut topping can be glazed with a little syrup (melt some

sugar into hot water) or you can ice traditionally.

Editor Note: Nigel made this cake for our Monday workshop group. It was delicious and demolished with speed. Round of applause for Nigel.

At a holiday camp I remember the early morning call, A round of 'zip-a-de-doo-dah, and out of bed we'd fall, straight for a full English, Happy campers, bleary eyed, six o' clock in the morning, bacon and eggs, well fried. We loved the outdoor swimming pools with fountains where you'd dive, freezing cold in August so the coffee bar supplied hot drinks to warm the coldest hands and stop the chattering teeth, then back to have your dinner Yorkshire puddings and roast beef. Knobbly knees, Hawaiian bar, Holiday princess and all, but clearest in my memory is that early morning call.

Assignment : Two sentence story. CM (new writer)

Just received news that Margaret died this morning, one week after her husband

and the sale of her house plus four months after her first son committed sui-

cide. What was there to go on for?

FAST FLASH FICTION: Six Word Story exercise.

Bullying grammar pedant, didn’t spoil fun.

Memories lingered like motes of dust.

The fixer-upper. Home: years away.

Investment opportunity. One careful owner, deceased.

Dream homes can be a nightmare.

The sweetest rose has sharpest thorns.

Daylight robbery. Thieves with smiley faces.

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Blog opportunity: What was your favourite children‘s book and why?

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