AcclaimforIt’sNotJustWhoYouKnow

“Tommy Spaulding has done something quite amazing. He has combined a deeplymoving personal memoir with a practical tutorial on building genuinely enrichingrelationships. It’sNotJustWhoYouKnow isanopen,honest,andauthenticbookbyatalented teller of real-life tales about one of themost fundamental of human truths.You’ll be moved, uplifted, and educated. You’ll find yourself laughing, crying, andnodding inagreement. It’sNotJustWhoYouKnow isaone-of-a-kindmasterwork,andyouneedtobuyit,readit,andgiveittoyourfriendsandfamily.Youwillbethankfulthatyoudid.”

—JimKouzes,coauthorofTheLeadershipChallengeandTheTruthAboutLeadership,Dean’sExecutiveProfessorofLeadership,LeaveySchoolofBusiness,SantaClaraUniversity

“TommySpauldingteachesusthejoyandvalueofinvestinginrelationships!”

—JamesH.Maynard,chairmanandcofounder,GoldenCorralCorporation

“Someoneoncetoldmethatyourstudentsdonotcarehowmuchyouknowuntiltheyknowhowmuchyoucare.This istrueinallrelationships;andthisbookprovidesthetoolsneededincultivatingyourrelationshipsatanylevel.Tommy’sbookisahomerun.It’sNotJustWhoYouKnowisamustreadifyouareinterestedintransformingyourlife.

—FrankDeAngelis,principal,ColumbineHighSchool

“A remarkable collection of insights that teaches how generosity, humility andthankfulnesswilltakeyourbusinessandpersonalrelationshipstothenextlevel!”

—JasonJennings,bestsellingauthorofHittheGroundRunningandThinkBig,ActSmall

“Ididn’twantthebooktoend.IfoundmyselfhangingoneverywordandmakingnotesinthemarginsasIconnectedtheconceptstomyownexperiences.Thisbookpresentsso many deep truths about transformational leadership in a way that is easilyunderstandabletoanyaudience.IwillgiveeverymemberofmystaffacopyofIt’sNotJustWhoYouKnow.”

—Dr.BarneyForsythe,president,WestminsterCollege

“TommySpauldingismasterfulatbuildingrelationshipsthatmatter.InIt’sNotJustWhoYouKnow,hesharespowerfullessonsandweavesthemintoafascinatingmodern-dayfollow-ontoDaleCarnegie’sHowtoWinFriends&InfluencePeople.IonlywishthatIhadthisbookearlyinmyowncareer.”

—RichardR.Eakin,chancelloremeritus,EastCarolinaUniversity

“Nothing ismore important thanourconnectionwithotherpeople. It’swhat’sbehindeverythingwedo.With this book, Tommy inspires uswith his first-hand experiencesand insight to reach for those deeper relationships that make everything moreworthwhile.Readthisandyou’llbebetterforit.”

—SamParker,bestsellingauthorof212°theextradegree

“Inspiring andmoving! Tommy is someone who truly understands the human heart.This is a book that I will not only give to all our teachers and staff, but moreimportantly,allourstudents.”

—Dr.JillScheulen,principal,CrestviewMiddleSchool

“Tommy lives, teaches, and leads from theheart.Themessageand tools in thisbookwillnotonlychangeyourorganizationandyourcareer,butyourlife.

—JaredPolis,U.S.congressmanandfounderofProflowers.comandBluemountainarts.com

“Trulycompelling!As Ihavewatchedmy friendTommy liveout theseprinciplesandfaith journey, Ihaveseen itnotonlytransformhis life,but thosearoundhim.This isTHEBOOKonauthenticservantleadership.”

—MarkSchultz,GMADoveAward–andPlatinumAward–winningsinger/songwriter

Dedicatedtomyfather,TomSpauldingSr.,thegreatestmanIhaveeverknown.

InlovingmemoryofAnthonyD’Aquanni,TomFrance,PaulGillett,KeliMcGregor,andLoriNolan.

Contents

ForewordbyKenBlanchardIntroduction:StandingonCarnegie’sShoulders

SECTIONONERELATIONSHIPDISCOVERIES1AnUnlikelyProdigy2TheBartender3RelationshipEconomics

SECTIONTWOHOWtoBUILDRELATIONSHIPCAPITAL4TheFiveFloorsofRelationships5WhatYouDo6Don’tShoottheMoose7DoYourHomework8BreakingtheIce…andStirringItUp9BackoftheBusinessCard10LeveragingPhilanthropy11NeverKissontheFirstDate12Don’tBeaChirpingBird13PardonMeWhileITalktoYourWife14RelentlessCommunication15PlayChess,NotMonopoly16SeekAdvice,NotBusiness17He’sJustNotThatintoMe

SECTIONTHREEThePOWERofNETGIVING18MakingBusinessPersonal

19BeyondNetworking20Authenticity:MakingRelationshipsReal21Empathy:SettingaCornerstoneforTrust22Vulnerability:OpeningaWindowintoYourInnerWorld23Confidentiality:LivingtheLawoftheVault24Curiosity:ThePowerofAskingQuestions25Generosity:ActingonYourAwareness26Humility:TheGiftofPerspective27Humor:LivingwithLevity28Gratitude:TheArtofBeingThankful

SECTIONFOURRELATIONSHIFT:LIFEinthePENTHOUSE29JourneytothePenthouse30TheUltimateMiddelMan31MoorethanMeetstheEye32CollectingWhatMatters33FifthFloorGivers34LivingGive/GetfromtheOutside/In35Elevation:Advance,Link,andLift36ServingtheStakeholders37Warnings

SECTIONFIVEPUTTINGPURPOSEFIRST38Relationships+Vision=Impact39Orion’sBelt40HowtoMaketheWorldSpinBetter

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Mydadgraduated fromDaleCarnegie’s firstcourse in1927, so Igrewup onHow to Win Friends & Influence People. Carnegie’s concepts aretimelessintermsofbeginningrelationships.AndyetTommySpauldingrealizedtherewasmore.HehaslearnedalessonthatIthinkonlycomeswithage: you finallybecomeanadultwhenyou realize that life is allaboutservingratherthanbeingserved,givingratherthangetting,and,asZigZiglaroftensays,“Realizingthatpeopledon’tcarehowmuchyouknowuntiltheyknowhowmuchyoucare.”Tommy’s teaching in this book is about developing genuine, lasting

relationships. These are the kind of peoplewho, if you’re hurting andcallforsupport,areoutthedoortohelpyou—noquestionsasked.Theyshowuptocoveryourbackwhenthegoinggetsrough.Inshort,they’rethereforyou.Why?Becausetheyknowyou’ddothesameforthem.I’m a big fan of Tommy Spaulding and It’sNot JustWhoYouKnow.

Readthisbook.Applyitswisdomandliveitsprinciples.Iguaranteethepayoffwill be amazing for youand thepeoplewhose lives you touch.You’ll generate what Tommy calls Return on Relationship or ROR.Practicing these principles not only improves the financial health ofindividuals, organizations, and communities—it brings joy andfulfillmentaswell.Life is aboutmore thanwinning friends and influencingpeople—it’s

about serving others. When you make a difference in other people’slives, guess what? It makes a difference in your life, too. Thanks,Tommy.

—KenBlanchard,coauthorofTheOneMinuteManager®andHelpingPeopleWinatWork

I

Introduction

StandingonCarnegie’sShoulders

t was Dale Carnegie and his bookHow toWin Friends & InfluencePeople that got me started on nurturing and developing therelationships thathavebeensocentral tomy life. Ikeptacopyof

thebookonmynightstandnext tomybedas Imademywaythroughhigh school, college, graduate school, and into my business career. Ilivedthatbook—Ilivedit,Iwouldargue,likefewothers.Why?Becauseitresonatedwithmyeveryinstinct.I became obsessed with sending handwritten notes, with returning

phonecalls,withsendingbirthdaycards,withusingpeople’snames,andwith recognizing other people. To this day, anytime I’m reading thenewspaperandIcomeacrossapositivearticleaboutsomeoneIknow,Icut itoutandIsendit tothatpersonwithahandwrittennote. If theirmother is alive, I’llwrite, “Youmightwant to send this toyourmom.She’d be proud to put it on her refrigerator!” I do that a couple ofhundredtimesayear,andIdoubtthatwilleverchange.Foryears it seemedlikethethings Ihad learned in thatbookwould

open every door in every hallway that ever camemyway. Carnegie’smessage, after all, survives even today because it works. Do what heteachesand,infact,youwillwinfriendsandinfluencepeople.Youwillgrow your Rolodex like kudzu in Mississippi, and you’ll get moreChristmaslettersthanSaintNick.Andisn’tthathowyoubuildacareer?Isn’t that how you advance in business? Isn’t that the heart of themessage“It’snotwhatyouknow,butwhoyouknow?”Well, as I have come to learn, there is more. What you know is

important,andwhoyouknowiscritical.Butrealsuccessisaboutmuchmorethanwhatorwhoyouknow.Indeed,it’sthemorethanthatreallymatterswhenitcomestoadvancingyourcareerandbuildingabusinessoranorganization.It’sthemorethanthatallowsyoutofindsatisfaction

inyourlife,bothatworkandathome.It’sthemorethanthatcanbringmeaningfulchangetoyourcommunity.Andit’s themore than thatcanchangetheworld.Whysetsmallgoals,right?Carnegie helped start me on that ambitious path. But hisgroundbreakingbook—aninternationalbestsellereventoday,morethanseventyyearsafteritwasfirstpublishedin1937—couldonlytakemesofar. I knew that I’d never stop using the techniques and principles hetaught, but then I began diggingmuch deeper into the value of greatrelationshipsandthewaystogoaboutdevelopingthem.And themore I’ve examinedanddug, themore I’ve come to realizehow much individuals and organizations—corporations, smallbusinesses, foundations, governments, nonprofits, churches, etc.—canbenefitfromtheskillsandattitudesthatareessentialforbuildingdeep,meaningfulprofessionalrelationships.I’mnottalkingaboutrelationshipsthat get you aChristmas card. I’m talking about relationships that getyouinvitedtoChristmasdinner.By standing on the shoulders of Carnegie’smasterpiece,we can liveoutagreaterversionofhismessageinthetwenty-firstcentury.Wecanuse those timeless principles inways thatmovebeyond the tactical tothe transformational. We can create customer loyalty that producesgreateroutcomesthaneverimagined.Wecandiscoverhowtomakeourinfluence matter—and how to win friends whose influence matters—throughoutourorganizations,withourclientsandcustomers,andacrossourcommunities.This level of commitment and loyalty is more important than ever.Carnegiewrotehisbookinthe1930spartlytofillaDepression-eravoidamongtheparticipants intheclasseshetaughtonpublicspeakingandhumanrelationships.Itstartedasatextbook,andthetechniques,skills,andprinciplesheofferedunapologeticallymettheneedsofitsreaders.Itpromisedindividualsuccessinaneramarkedbymassivefailures.Though the world has changed dramatically over the last sevendecades, our economic climate compares all too closely to that ofCarnegie’s day. Failed financial institutions, depleted investmentaccounts,highunemployment,andathickpallofuncertaintypermeate

the landscape. In such times, relationships—deep, lasting, “call me at3:00 a.m. no matter what the reason” relationships—are the ultimatelifelineforpeople.Sometimes,infact,ourrelationshipswitheachotherareallwe’vegot.Carnegie’s principles and techniques seem timeless. And most are.That’swhyhisbookhassoldmorethan15millioncopies.Butit’stimetobroadenthescopeandinfluencethatwerecentraltohismessage.It’sno longer enough to just strategicallyuse someoneelse’sname. It’snolongerenoughtoavoidanargument.It’snolongerenoughtotalkaboutpeople’sinterests.Thosearenicequalitiesandgivingqualities.Butyoucan’t win long-term loyal friends and customers just by smiling,rememberingpeople’snames,andpayingthemcompliments.Therehastobemore.Inourfiercelycompetitiveworld,thosewhoseparatethemselvesfromthepackdefine the interestsofothersandwork tirelessly tohelp themadvance.Today,youneedtogobeyondtheobviousallthewaytowhatI call “Penthouse” relationships—relationships that move up fromsurface level of facts and social niceties (First and Second Floorrelationships),past theexchangeofopinions (ThirdFloor)and feelings(Fourth Floor), and into the Fifth Floor, the Penthouse reserved forcompletetransparencyandmarkedbylong-standingloyalty.Thesetypesofrelationshipsarepossible.I’vecreateddozensofthem,many with customers, clients, neighbors, colleagues, and co-workerswhostartedoutascompletestrangers.Peopleseemeasaconnectedandnetworkedperson,andthat’strue.Mycontactlistrunslong,butit’sthequality and not the quantity that makes the difference—the mutualdepth and devotion found in so many of them, and the rewards thatcome from seeing everyone—not just the high and mighty—as thepotentialnextguestontheFifthFloor.I’ll share the stories behindmanyof these relationships aswemovethroughoutthisbook,fromMrs.Singer,theteacherwhochallengedandinspiredmeinhighschool,totheCEOsofsomeofthemostsuccessfulorganizationsintheworld.Theyallhaveinfluencethatmatters,andI’vebeenfortunatetodevelopalevelofinfluencewiththem.Throughtheirstoriesandtheprinciplestheyrepresent,you’llseethat

taking your relationships to a higher level isn’t just nice theory, butsomethingeveryonecanandshould internalizeand liveoutonadailybasis so that it transforms your life, your organization, and yourcommunity.Most people, of course, already understand the basic, practical

importance of strong professional relationships. They willingly takeadvantageofallthetechnologiesthatweren’taroundinCarnegie’sday.Theyhavethelatestsoftwarethattracksandmineseverypossiblepieceofdatatheycanrecordabouttheircustomersandclients.Theylink-in,tweet,Facebook,blog,andSkypetheirwaytowardeachnewdeal.And,of course, they feel as lost as a duck in the desert if they leave homewithoutacellphone thatwill textande-mailandconnect them toalltheirsocialnetworksontheWeb.Theyknowthattherewillalwaysbeanotherworthwhile“networking”toolonthehorizon,andthey’lluseitlike crazy when it comes out. But many people lack the skills,confidence, or motivation to build professional relationships that gobeyondmerenetworking.Some see themselves as relationship-challenged, not realizing that

they’re just as capable of building valued relationships as a dyslexicteenager was of earning two master’s degrees (and writing a book!).Some just need direction and a gentle kick to get started. Some are“there” but can still grow, because we never really get to where wecould be.Most, however, simply get bywithwhateverworks becausethat’swhattheyknow.It’scomfortable.It’ssafe.Andit’shollow.Today’s business world often suffers from “reactive syndrome.”

Buildingmeaningfulrelationshipsissomethingwefallbackonwhenweare in trouble.We“network,”butwenevermovebeyondourshallow,immediateneeds.Weneverexperiencethefullnessofdeep,meaningfulrelationships. That, my friends, involves taking risks, and living wellbeyond the borders of reasonable expectations. It’s about reallyunderstanding and caring about the aspirations of others, and askingwhatwecandotohelpthemmeetorexceedthoseaspirations.Andthen

actuallygoingoutanddoingthosethings.When I look back at how the power of relationships lifted me—askinnykidwithalisp,below-averagegrades,andalearningdisability—outofamiddle-classcommunityandputmeinleadershippositionsthattookmeallaroundtheworld, Icanboil itdowntothis: It’snotaboutme. At every turn, whether it was in student government, playingfootball, working as a waiter during college, traveling internationally,selling software for Lotus Development, leading organizations, startingmyowncompanies,orconsultingwiththeleadersoflargecorporationsandinstitutions,themostpowerfulbenchmarksofmysuccess involvedrelationshipsinwhichmyfocuswasonhelpingothers.That type of focus generates what I call Return on Relationship, orROR,andthepowerofRORisgreatandvaried.Fortheorganization,it’san economic driver, not some motivational HR mandate. For theindividual, it’s not only a quicker path up the corporate ladder, but amorejoyful,fulfillingexperiencealongtheway.Forthecommunity,it’sgreateroutreach,moresincereparticipation,and,mostofall,apositiveforceforchange.That’sthemorethanthatcanmakeallthedifference.That’sthemorethanthatcanmaketheworldspinbetter.

SECTIONONE

RelationshipDiscoveries

E

Chapter1

AnUnlikelyProdigy

veryfatherhopesforachildprodigy—thenextgreatphysicistormusicianorartistorathleteorscholar—andIsuspectmydadwasnodifferent.But,smartmanthatheis,mydadrealizedearlyon

thatmytickettosuccesswouldtakemeonadifferenttrain.ItwasprettyclearthatIwasn’tgoingtowinaNobelPrizeforphysics,

paintanymodernmasterpieces,writeanycriticallyacclaimedconcertos,ormakeitasaninfielderinthemajorleagues.Buthesawtheglimmerofanothergiftinme.Andthat’swhyhepickedoutthebookheputinmyhandsduringmyearlyteens.That’swhentheotherboyshadgrowthspurts that I didn’t. That’s when the testing my parents had doneconfirmedIhadalearningdisabilityandthatItrailedmypeersinsuchareas as reading comprehension by as much as two years. Realitywhispered a message into my dad’s kind ears. My father, theschoolteacher,knewwhatlessonsImostneededtolearn,andtheyhadlittle to do with conjugating verbs or solving complex mathematicalproblemsormemorizinghistoricdates.“Son,”he toldme,“yourmother isgoing to insist thatyoureadone

book—theBible.AndI’mgoingtoaskthatyoureadthisone.”AndwiththathehandedmeacopyofHow toWinFriends& InfluencePeoplebyDaleCarnegie.Iwasincollegebeforetheexpertsaccuratelydiagnosedmydisability

asdyslexia.Asaresult,readinganybookinjuniorhighmademyheadspin. I doubt I readmore than three or four books before I graduatedfromhighschool.Butbecauseitwasagiftandarequestfrommyfather,I read this one cover to cover; the quick-hit principles and insights inDaleCarnegie’sclassicself-helpbookgavemeexactlywhatIneededasIpressedonthroughhighschool,encounteringhurdleafterhurdlealongtheacademictrack.Thebookprovidedaroadmapthateventuallytook

metolevelsofsuccessIneverwouldhaveenvisioned.Buttounderstandthe importance of Carnegie’s book inmy life, you need to understandwhereIcamefromandafewoftherelationshipsthatshapedme.My journey—in academics, in business, and in life—took someinteresting,nontraditional,and,quitefrankly,painfultwistsandturns.Istruggledwith(andstillstrugglewith)manyofthethingsmostpeoplesayareessentialforsuccess—readin’,’ritin’,and’rithmatic,forstarters.ButIlearnedatanearlyagehowtoleveragemystrengthsandovercomemyweaknesses.Ilearnedthevalueofafourth“R”—relationships.Inotonly learned theartofwinning friendsand influencingpeople,butofmasteringrelationships,personallyandprofessionally.Thisbookisabout creating those kinds of relationships—the kind that can changeyour life, change your organization, and change your world. Becausebusinessisaboutrelationships.Successisaboutrelationships.Leadershipisaboutrelationships.Lifeisaboutrelationships.

The village of Suffern, New York, sits peacefully near the base of theRamapoMountains just twenty-sixmiles northwest of New York City.The eleven thousand or so residents form a community within apatchworkofother tight-knit townsandvillages,whereamixofblue-collar workers and big-city commuters represent the best of colonialheritageandurbangrit.My parents raised me there on a steady diet of traditional familyvalues that placed high importance on serving others, and a greatemphasisonhardworkandeducation.Theservingandhardworkcameeasily.Theeducation,however,wasanothermatter—nothingmeltedmyspiritsfaster,likehotasphaltonanAugustday.Ifearedbeingcalledstupidbymyteachersandclassmates—becauseIbelievedthatwaswhatmygradesindicated.Ifailedclassesoutright,orpassedbytheskinofmyteeth,onlytofailtheend-of-yearstandardizedtestsandhavetoattendsummerschooltomakeupthecredit—allwhileworking onmy homework and studies as hard as, and usually harderthan,theotherkidsIknew.

Myself-confidencetookabeating.ThemoreembarrassedIbecamebymygrades, themore I tried tocompensatebyachieving things innon-academic areas—participating in athletics, running for studentgovernment, earning Eagle Scout honors. Inmuch the sameway as ablindpersonexperiencessensorycompensation,Iseemedtomakeupformyacademiclimitationswithaheightenedabilitytocommunicatewithandconnecttootherpeople.Idon’tknowhowmuchofthiswasinmynatureandhowmuchwasnurturedby thosearoundme (andbyDaleCarnegie’sbook),butitwasasrealasrain.Ihadtheability,itseemed,tomakefriendswitheverybody.I didn’t smoke, drink (much), or do drugs, but I chatted easilywiththosewhodid. Iwasn’t intoDungeons&Dragons,but thosewhoweretreated me like a brother. (You can befriend all sorts of kids in theschoolResourceRoom.) Iwasn’tphysicallygifted,but Iwascaptainofthe ski team and played soccer, baseball, and football. I was in theschool’sshowchoirandinmusicals.Imixedaseasilywiththestudentsin the chess club as I didwith the jocks on the athletic teams. Everyclique was my clique. I was elected senior class president and voted“mostfriendly”and“didmostforSuffernHigh”bymypeers.Anditwasn’t justwiththestudents.All theteachersatSuffernHighknewmyname,andIknewtheirs.Iknewthejanitorialstaff.Iknewallthe secretaries and administration. And I knew most of their familymembers.Building those relationships came naturally to me. But seeingrelationship-buildingasagift,andnotasacrutchtocompensateformyacademicweakness,waspartofamaturationprocessthattookyearsofpainfulstruggle.I learnedearlyon thatmyeducationalpathwouldbedifferent fromthose ofmost ofmy friends. As early as elementary school, I becameintimately familiar with the Resource Room—that place where thosewithspecialneedswenttogetextrahelp.Forthreeyears,infact,Ispentpart of each school day making the embarrassing walk to that room,tryingtocorrectalispbyplacingadevicebetweenthetipofmytongueandtheroofofmymouth.And the “regular” classroomwasn’t a refuge. I remember the heart-

grippingfearIfeltwheneverourteacherdecidedtohavetheclassdoalittle“round-robinreading.”We’dgetoutourbooksandastudentinthefrontof theclasswouldbeginby readingaparagraphaloud.Then thenextstudentwouldreadthenextparagraphaloud,andthenextstudentthenextparagraph,untilwe’dworkedourwaythroughallthestudentsandfinishedwhateverpassagetheteacherhadselected.Sweatwould cover thepalmsofmyhands, andaknot the sizeof a

footballwould form inmy stomach as the other kids read. I knew I’dstutter and stammer through my passage, and everyone would seefurther evidence that I was the only person in the class who couldn’tread.Frommyseatnearthebackoftheroom,I’dcountthesixteenkidswho sat ahead of me. Then I’d count seventeen paragraphs into thepassageto findmyparagraph. I’dblockout thenoiseof theotherkidsreading.I’dfocusintentlyonmyparagraph,willingmyselftomakeouteachword,andI’dcommitthemtomemorybeforetheclassgottome.Mymemoryoftencarriedme through.When I lookedat thewordsonthe pages, the letters spun around out of focus like images in akaleidoscope.But if Ihadenough time tomemorize theparagraph, I’dbeabletosailthroughanddisguisemyinabilitytoread.Ifnot,I’dfeeladeep-rooted shame asmy peers fought to hold back their giggles andstaresandembarrassment.Dyslexiaisnotsomethingyoucanfix;youlivewithiteveryday.That

reality hit me painfully, for example, when my grandmother died in2009.Aboutanhourbeforetheservice,oneofthenuns—myaunt,SisterLoreen—asked if I’d do one of the three scripture readings.When sheshowed me the verse, all I could make out were a bunch of big andunfamiliarwords,andmyhandsimmediatelyturnedcoldandsweaty.Ilookedatmyauntapologeticallyandbeggedoff,saying,“I’drathernot.”Justafewmonthsshyofmyfortiethbirthday,Istillfoundmyself—an

accomplishedpublicspeaker—overcomebymyfearofreadinginpublic.Given more time, I would have memorized the verse and “read” itwithoutlookingatthepages.Instead,ImissedanopportunitytohonorawomanIdearlyloved.Away from the books, meanwhile, I always flourished. Like most

young boys, I had a high energy level, but I was well-mannered andworked hard, so my teachers loved me, and I got along with all my

classmates.As I moved into the junior-high years, it became clear that mylearningstrugglesweren’tjustthemarkofalatebloomer.Numbersandletterslookedasifthey’dbeenpulledrandomlyfromabagofScrabbletiles, andmy visits to the Resource Room became like a scarlet lettersewnacrossmybackpack.Lookingback,Iprobablywasfortunatenottotakemoreteasingfrommypeers.Butmyownbattleswithself-doubtattimes felt likemore than I could bear. Evenwhen the other kids saidnothing,Iknewthattheyknew,andthatwasbadenough.Whilemyfriendsplayedbaseballandwenttosummercamps,mydaddrovemetosummerschoolfollowingninth,tenth,andeleventhgrades.I took some classes because I had to, and others because I needed toimprovemy end-of-course test scores tohave anyhopeof getting intocollege.Formostpeoplewhoknewme(andmyacademicrecord),theideaofcollegeseemedafoolishdream.Atthestartofmysenioryear,infact,Ifoundmyself sitting in the office ofDavidTilton, one of the guidancecounselors.Becausehedidn’tfrequenttheResourceRoomandI’dnevergottenintoanytroubleasastudent,thiswasthefirsttimeI’dmetMr.Tilton. Iwalked intohisoffice to finda tall, thingentlemanwearinganavyblueplaidsuitandatiewithabig,poorlymadeknot.Hishairshotout in amillion directions. I eased into a chair, not knowingwhat toexpectfromhim.Iwasalittlesurprisedwhenhesaid,“Sotellmewhereyouwant to go to college.”Maybe I’d foundan advocate, I thought. ItoldhimIwantedtogotoNotreDameorBostonCollege,andthatIwasinterestedinbusinessandpolitics.Mr. Tilton pulled outmy file.He looked atmy transcripts and thenlookedatme.Iknewwhatwascoming.“DoyouknowwhatyourGPAis?”heasked.Idid:notgood.“DoyouknowyourSATscore?”Idid:notgood. (Even after taking an SAT prep course, I’d only managed toimprovemyoriginal 640 score to a 680 out of 1,600.) “Do you knowyourclassranking?”Idid:notgood.Then,asnicelyaspossible,Mr.Tilton talkedaboutwhat I’dneed toget into college. And by the end of the conversation he was gentlysuggesting that a junior college or trade school might better fit my

needs.Hewasn’tbeingmean;hewasjusttellingmemygradesindicatedIwasn’treadyfortheacademicrigorsofauniversity.Iwenthometotallydeflated,notbecauseIthoughtIwastoogoodfor

junior colleges or trade schools. They serve a great purpose, and formanypeopletheyaretheperfectfittohelpthemachievetheirdreams.Insomeways,Ihadawrong-headednotionthatI“hadtogotocollege”tobesuccessful.AndIalsorightlybelievedthatI’dhaveabetterchanceof achievingmy personal goalswith a college degree.Mostly, though,Mr.Tilton’smessageunwittinglyreinforcedmyself-doubt.IhadexperiencedsimilardayswhentheSATscoresarrivedandallthe

other kids were announcing their results while I did my best to hidemine. I knewmygradesweren’t good.But all ofmy smart-kid friendswere talking about going to Michigan or Cornell or other top-flightschools,andtherealityofmysituationhitmelikealocomotive.IremembertellingmydadhowdisappointedIwasthatIwasn’tgoing

togetintoagoodcollege.Butmyfatherkeptencouragingme.Forevermybiggestfan,myfatherwouldalwaystellmethreethings:first,livingwithgoodnessinyourheartcountsmorethangoodgrades;second,youhave an obligation tomake a contribution to this country.Democracyisn’t free. Instead of focusing on your grades, focus on what yourcontribution will be. And, third, those people in your class who aremakingA’sandB’s—they’regoingtoworkforyouoneday.(Heturnedouttoberight.I’vehiredalotofpeoplewhowenttoIvyLeagueschoolsandearnedimpressivegradesandSATscores.)By the time of my senior-year visit with Mr. Tilton, however, I’d

alreadycometogripswithmyacademicweaknesses,andsuchsetbacksdidn’t keep me down for long. The more rejection I experienced, theharderIworked.Mypersonaltippingpointhadcomeduringmysophomoreyear,when

I was enrolled in Mrs. Deanne Singer’s semester-long merchandisemarketingclass.IlikedMrs.Singer.Shewasinspiringandfullofenergy.She was a bit eccentric, but she made class fun. She knew all thestudents’names.Shecared.Also,Ididprettywellinherclass.IhadaCaverage, whichwas a very good grade forme,when she assigned thefinalexamproject—tocomeupwithanideaforacompanyandwritea

seven-to-ten-pagebusinessplanforit.Forthefirsttime,Ifoundmyselfenergizedaboutanacademicproject.

I’m someonewhohas a hundred ideas a day for businesses, but I hadneverwrittenanythingdown,muchlesscomeupwithamarketingplanor done a competitive analysis or thought through pricing. I justdreamed up business ideas, filed them away in my mind, and thenmovedalongtothenextone.NowIhadachancetopulloneoutandseeifitmightreallywork.Mydadgrewup in SaratogaSprings,NewYork,homeof theoldest

thoroughbredracetrack inAmerica.SooneofmybusinessdreamswastoopenarestaurantinSaratogaSpringscalledWinners&Losers—afive-starrestaurantseparatedbyaglasswallfromapubontheotherside.Gamblerswhowonattheracetrackcouldorderescargot,steaks,and

finewineservedonrealchina,whileseatedatlinen-coveredcherrywoodtablessurroundedbyplushred-carpetedfloors.Thewaiterswouldwearjockeyoutfits,andthewallswouldbedecoratedwithpicturesoffamoushorses, jockeys, and owners. On the pub side, patrons who were lessflushcouldorderhotdogs,hamburgers,andnachos.Theconcretefloorwouldbelitteredwithpeanutshellsandtorn-upbettingtickets.I went to work writing a business plan for the restaurant. My dad

drove me three hours north to Saratoga Springs to do a competitiveanalysis of the restaurants there.Amazingly, noneof themat the timehadbettingorracetrackthemes.Weevenfoundtheperfectlocationforour restaurant, an old Victorian house across the street from theracetrack that was for sale for $74,000. (Today that property’s worthmorethanamillion.Clearlyweshouldhaveboughtit!)I covered everything. I evenwrote out a SWOT analysis (Strengths,

Weaknesses,Opportunities,andThreats).Iwasmoreexcitedaboutthatproject than about anything I’d done in school—well, anything thatdidn’tinvolvesportsorgirls.Abouttwoweeksafterhandingintheproject,Mrs.Singerreturnedit

withmygrade:anA-plus.AnA-plus!I’dnevergottenanAofanysortbefore.I’dnevergottenaBbefore,exceptmaybeingym.IwasstandingastallastheNewYorkCityskyline.ThenIlookedunderneaththegradeand readMrs. Singer’s note: “Tommy, this is excellentwork.Whoever

didthisforyou,pleasetellthemtheydidagreatjob.—Mrs.Singer.”Iwasupset.Imean,reallyangry.Ihadworkedmybehindoffonthisproject. OK, shewas right,my friends usually helpedme throughmycoursework.ButIdidtheworkonthisprojectcompletelyonmyown.Istormeduptoherafterclass,andsaid,“Mrs.Singer,thisiscrazy!Ididalltheworkonthisprojectmyself.”Sheonlyhalf-believedme.Shesaid,“Tommy, you haven’t demonstrated this kind of work all semester. Idon’tknowhowyoudid this,because this isexceptionalwork.”And Ilookeddirectly intohereyesandsaid,“I swear,Mrs.Singer, Idid thismyself.”“Ifyoudidthis,”Mrs.Singersaid,“thenyouhavetojoinDECA.”DECA (Distributive Education Clubs of America) was the club forstudentsinterestedinmarketingandbusiness.SonotonlydidIjointheclub, but I enteredmy business plan in the DECA state championshipagainst the plans of hundreds of other students. My fifteen-page plangrewtomorethanseventypages,andItookittotheConcordHotelinupstateNewYork,where I spentmy first night in ahotelwithoutmyparents.AndIreturnedhomewithatrophyforsecondplace!I’dneverwonanythingacademicallybefore,andsuddenlyIwasoneoftwostudentsfromNewYorkStatewhohadqualifiedforthenationalcompetition.AfewweekslaterIwasgettingonaplaneforthefirsttimein my life, to Atlanta, where I would compete against some of thebrighteststudentsinthenation.IwenttoAtlantaexpectingnothingmorethanagreatfieldtrip.Igotto see a Braves baseball game, and visited the world headquarters ofCNNandCoca-Cola.Buttomysurprise,mybusinessplanforWinners&Losers finished in the money—third place in the nation! Figurativelyspeaking,Iwasonthewinner’ssideoftheacademicglassforachange!ItwasthefirsttimeIbegantorecognizeentrepreneurshipasmygift.WhenIspoketothecommitteeofbusinessleaderswhohadvolunteeredtoact as amockventure capitalist group, I realized thatmyability tocommunicate verbally extended to groups of people, and that otherpeopleweredrawntomypassionformyideas.Mrs.Singerwasthefirstteachertoseemyrawabilitiesandurgemetoreachhigher.AlotofteachersgavemeapassinggradebecauseIwas

anicekid,Iwaswellrespected,Inevergotintrouble,andIdidallofmy homework. ButMrs. Singer brought out somethingmore inme. Ifshehadn’t givenmeanA-plus andwritten thatdismissive comment, Iwouldn’thavebeenpissedoffandsheneverwouldhavechallengedmeto join DECA. Mrs. Singer saw something in me that I didn’t see inmyself;sheencouragedmetotakerisksandbecomealeader.At the same time, Iwas alreadybecominga leader innon-academiccircles. In my sophomore year I earned the rank of Eagle Scout, theyoungest in our troop to do so. I’m told only two percent of all BoyScoutsbecomeEagleScouts.Ifanything,it’sareflectionofhowdrivenIwas to provemyself outside the classroom, but I learned a great dealalongtheway.For my Eagle badge, I organized the renovation of an old carriagegarageofourchurchparsonage.Thechurchoftenranfoodandclothingdrives for the needy; I put together work crews and we gutted theunused garage, built shelves, and turned it into a pantry for food andclothing.Ifoundpeoplefromallovertownandfromallwalksoflifetohelp.IntheprocessIlearnedyoucan’tdoalltheworkyourself,nordoleaders have all the answers. But they do have to get other peopleinvolved.Between my sophomore and junior years, I also was one of twostudents picked for the Rotary Youth Leadership Academy (RYLA), afive-dayleadershipcampthatsignificantlyshapedmythinking.TherewereaboutahundredkidsatRYLA,fromalltheschoolsinthedistrict.ProbablythesinglemostimportantlessonIlearnedtherecamefromaspeechbyTomFrance,theRotarianwhohadnominatedmeforRYLA.“Theworldconsistsof threetypesofpeople—leaders, followers,andcritics,”he toldus. “Themost importantquestionyouhave toaskyourselfiswhichoneareyougoingtobe.”Ihadneverthoughtofleadershipasachoiceratherthanassomethingwe were born with, but it was a message I quickly embraced withnewfoundenergyandpassion.Backatschool,Iwaselectedvicepresidentofmyjuniorclass,beatingoutapopulargirlwhohadheldtheofficeduringoursophomoreyear.Istarted thinking about school in a different way. I had a sense of

confidence and purpose. My grades didn’t improve during junior andsenioryears,butIhaddecidedIwasn’tgoingtoletmygrades,myGPA,andmySATscoresdefineme.IshiftedmyattentiontowhatIcoulddo,ratherthangettingcaughtupinwhatIcouldn’t.Duringmyjunioryear, I tookanaccountingclassfromMrs.Dizzine,

anolderwomanwithastricttemperament,whosepersonalitymusthavebeen surgically removedat an early age. I got aD, barelypassingherclass.Attheendofthesemester,shepulledmeasidetotalkaboutmyfuture.WhenItoldherIwantedtogotocollegeandthengotobusinessschool, she lookedme in theeyeand said, “Tommy,you’ll be lucky ifyougetintocollege,muchlessbusinessschool.”In thatmoment, I couldn’t fight off a sense of discouragement. So I

slunkwithmytailbetweenmylegstoseeMrs.Singer,whoquicklysetmestraight.WhenIranintopeoplewhodidn’tbelieveinme,shetoldme,“Tellthemtokissyourass!”Itwasatypical“Singerzinger.”Mrs.Singerrecognizedandcultivatedmyleadershippotential.WhenI

ranforseniorclasspresident,sheandmyfatherhelpedorchestratemycampaign. Mrs. Singer ran the school store and used the printingmachine to make buttons (VOTE FOR TOM FOR A GREAT PROM) and T-shirtspromotingmy candidacy.My fathermade papier-mâché flowers, eachfeaturing a different one of my “Thomas’s Promises.” And I easilydefeatedtheguywhohadbeenclasspresidentourjunioryear.Somehow,though,Iknewthatthegoalwasn’ttobepopular.Itwasn’t

just towin friendsand influencepeople. Ididn’t fullyunderstandwhatmoretherewas,butIknewmypopularity—thatpreciousfoundationthatprovided stability for my fragile self-confidence—came with an equalmeasureofresponsibility.“Egobiscuits”werenice,buttherehadtobemoretolivingalifeofpurposethanjustfeedingmyself-esteem.Ibegantolearnthatrelationshipsledtoinfluence,anditwaswhatI

didwith that influence thatmattered. Itwasn’t just aboutwinning anelection;itwasaboutgettingthingsdonethathelpedotherpeople.Whenwewantedtoholdajuniorprom,Iledtheteamthatorganized

it. Andwhen I realized our senior prom had grown too expensive formanyofthestudentstoattend,Iwenttotheadministrationandpitchedan idea for a fund-raiser—a competition pitting the top garage bands

fromour schoolagainst eachother.Ourvice-principaldidn’t think theideawouldwork,buthegaveusagreenlighttogoaheadwithit.Andweraisedmoremoneythananyfund-raiserinschoolhistory.WhenIdidn’t find leadershipopportunities, theyseemedto findme.

That’showIendedupontheschool’s footballteaminmysenioryear,andthat’showIfoundmyselfspeakingatatenseschoolboardmeeting.IwasanaveragesoccerplayeratSuffernHigh;mypositionwas left

bench.Thecoachhardlyeverputmeinthegame,andifhedid,itwasusuallyforthelasttwominutesinalopsidedvictory.Whatmatteredtoourcoachwashowweperformedasplayers—hewasn’tinterestedinourdevelopmentasindividuals.Ididn’trealizewhatadisadvantagethiswasuntilIgottoknowBob

Veltidi,theSuffernvarsityfootballcoach.CoachVeltidiapproachedmeinthehallwayneartheendofmyjunioryearandaskedmetocometohis office. I didn’t know the football coach, hadneverplayed football,anddidn’tknowwhyhewantedtomeetwithme.WhenIarrivedinhisoffice,heaskedme if I likedplaying soccer. I respectfully saidno.Heaskedme if I’d ever tried kicking a football. No, I told him. Then heaskedme,“Wouldyoulikeachancetobeapartofmyfootballteam?”Ithoughtitoverforafewminutesandsaid,“Sure.Whynot?”CoachVeltidigavemeabagoffootballsandakickingteeandtoldme

topracticekicking fieldgoals.He toldme football tryoutswereat thebeginningofAugust,andheexpectedmetobethere,readytoplay.Hetoldmehebelievedinme.Ihadneverheardthosewordsfromacoachbefore—certainlynotfromthevarsityfootballcoach.ThatsummerIwenttothefootballfieldeveryday,sevendaysaweek,

rain or shine, and practiced kicking the football for hours. I kickedhundredsof footballs,andeventually I startedkickingtheball throughthegoalposts—fromfifteenyards,twentyyards,twenty-fiveyards,eventhirtyyardsout.Mylittlesister,Michele,oftencametothefieldtocatchorfetchthe

balls.Onetimeshesprainedherthumbwhiletryingtocatchaball,and,tomyembarrassment, Imadeherwaituntil Iwas finishedkickingalltwohundredfieldgoalsbeforewewenthome.When I showed up at tryouts in August, I was ready. I put on a

footballuniformforthefirsttime,andsomeoftheotherplayersteasedme a bit. But they shut upwhen they sawme kick a field goal fromthirtyyardsout.CoachVeltidiwasimpressedenoughtogivemejerseynumber one and putme on the varsity team as SuffernHigh School’sstartingfield-goalkicker.ItwasthefirsttimeinmysportingcareerthatIfeltlikeImattered.Coach Veltidi always asked about my activities before and after

practice.Becausehe treatedme likea leaderon the team, Ieventuallybecame one.He always told us that being a football playerwasmoreaboutleadershipoffthefieldthanon.Ibelievedhim,andIbelievedinhim.Andhebelievedinme.Afterworkingsohardallsummerpracticingtomakethesquad,Iwas

excitedaboutplayinginourfirstgame.Therewasjustoneproblem:asthe start of the fall term neared, a strike by the teachers’ unionthreatenedtokeeptheschooldoorslocked.Mrs. Singer encouragedme to attend a school boardmeeting just a

fewdaysbeforethescheduledstartofclasses.Iwastheincomingseniorclasspresident,butIalsowasaveteranofmanysummerschoolclassesandIknewmy2.0GPAwasn’tgoingto impress theboard.But Iwentanyway—partly because I didn’t want us to forfeit our first homefootballgame.I’dneverbeen toa schoolboardmeetingbefore,buteven I realized

that this one was particularly tense. Teachers and employees of theschoolfilledtheauditorium,andtheywereprettymuchatwarwiththetwelvepeopleon stage—theboardof education.Angerandcontentionfilled the air as each side argued its points anddismissed thoseof theother. It quickly became clear there wasn’t going to be an agreementthatevening.At the end of the meeting, however, school board chairman Scott

Vanderhoefasked ifanyonehadanything to say. I’mpretty sure Iwastheonlystudentintheauditorium,andIknowIwastheonlypersontoraise a hand. Standing in front of the microphone, I spoke for abouttwentyminutes about the fact that both ofmy parentswere teachers,and how some of the greatest people in my life were the teachers atSuffernHighSchoolwhobelievedinme.Itoldthemwewereaboutto

startthenewschoolyearandplayourfirsthomefootballgame,andthatweneededaunitedschool.Weneededtogetthecontractdoneandputitbehindus.Myunrehearsed twenty-minutepep talk receiveda standingovation.

And after my speech, they reopened new business and approved acontractfortheteachers.Thenextday’snewspaperevengavecredittomeforinspiringtheboardtofinishitsworkonthecontract.My role in theeventsof thatnightmademeproud,of course,but I

alsorealizedsomethingbigger.Youcanmakearealimpactifyouspeakfromtheheart. Ididn’tgouptherewithagrandstrategyforchangingmindsand inspiringaction. I just shared the feelings inmyheart.AndbecauseI’ddevelopedrelationshipsoftrustandrespect—basedonwhoIwas as a person, not on how I performed in the classroom or on theathleticfields—theboardtookmeseriously.We played andwon that first home football game of the season. In

fact,wehadagreatteamthatyear.DannyMunozwasoneofthebestquarterbacks in school history, and we won the first seven games.Although I kicked a lot of extra points, I went the first three gameswithoutevenattemptingafieldgoalbecauseDannyMunoz’sarmalwaysputSuffernHighintheendzone.Then came the Saturday afteroon showdown with the Clarkstown

NorthRams.Fans packed the Clarkstown North stadium, and, as expected, the

game was a close one. Clarkstown North had a 21–19 lead with justtwenty-two seconds left to play in the game. We had the ball at theRams’ twenty-yard line, but it was fourth down. Coach Veltidi had todecidebetweenaHailMarypassbyall-starDannyMunozandathirty-seven-yard field-goal attempt by Tommy Spaulding—my first of theseason.Inearlyhadaheartattackwhenhecalledthekickingcrewontothe

field.IwenttoCoachVeltidiandtoldhimheshouldputDannyMunozbackon the field. I hadnever kicked awinning field goal before, andcertainly had never kicked a thirty-seven-yarder. And I hadmissed anextra-pointattemptearlierinthegame.Thenhewhisperedsomeofthemost significant words I’ve ever heard inmy life: “Spaulding, I asked

youtobeonthisteambecauseIbelievedinwhoyouwereasaperson,not just as aplayer. I saw thatyouwerea leader. I saw thatyouhadcharacter. Isawthatyouhadtenacity.Nowgooutthereandkickthatfieldgoalandwinthisgameforus.Ibelieveinyou,son!”As I walked onto the field to the roar of the mostly hostile home

crowd, I could nearly taste the bile in my stomach. The ClarkstownNorthcoachcalledtimeoutto“ice”thekicker—me—andIstoodinthemiddleofthefieldforafewmoreminutes,waitingformybigmomentin front of a thousand people. My legs were shaking. My heart wasbeating like the pistons in a racecar. But my mind was peacefullyrelaxed,backonthepracticefieldwithmylittlesisterkickingfieldgoalsonahotsummerday.Whenthewhistleblew,theballwassnapped,andIkickedit.“ThekickisGOOD!”shoutedtheannouncer.“ThekickisGOOD!”SuffernHighwon the game22–21. Iwas carriedoff the field like a

conqueringheroandmadethefrontpageofthelocalnewspaper:SUFFERNWINSONSPAULDING’SKICK.Thegamebecamealegendinourschoolandinourtown’shistory.Alltheseyearslater,however,whathasmeantthemosttomewasn’t

thefootballgameorthekickortheaccolades.WhathasmeantmosttomewasmyrelationshipwithCoachVeltidi.Hegavemetheopportunitytoplay football inmy senioryear;hegavemeanopportunity tobeapartofsomethinggreaterthanmyself.And,mostofall,muchlikeMrs.Singer,hegavemetheopportunitytobelieveinmyselfandtorespondtohisbeliefinme.Ten years after I graduated from high school, I saw Coach Veltidi

again and I asked himwhy he had invitedme to try out. Therewereseveral kids on the soccer team he could have askedwhoweremuchbetter players than I was. He said, “I wanted to build a team aroundleadership,andyouwerethemostrespectedleaderintheschool.”

When it came time to look at colleges, only two—Johnson & WalesUniversity and Springfield College—showed an interest in me,Springfield because I could kick field goals and Johnson & Wales

becauseofmyinvolvementinDECA.Mytwobestfriendsinhighschool—Corey Turer and Lori Nolan (who also was my first love and mylongtime sweetheart)—were heading to Springfield College, so that’swhereIplannedtogo.Part ofme realizedMr. Tiltonwas right about howwell prepared Iwasforcollege,butmymindwasfixedonthatgoalevenifIdidn’thavemany options. Then, out of nowhere, the door of opportunity literallystoodopenrightinfrontofme.One February day in 1987, Lori and I were walking down the hallwhenweheardmusiccomingfromtheschoolauditorium.WepeekedinandsawthecastofUpwithPeoplerehearsingforitsperformance.UpwithPeopleisanonprofitthatputstogethercastsofyoungpeoplewhoperformallover theworldwhilebuildingcommunity serviceandleadership skills. I knew theywere in townbecause I did themorningannouncementsover the schoolPA systemandbecausemy familyhadsigneduptohost twoof thecastmembers. I rememberedwatchinganUpwithPeoplegroupperformduringhalftimeatthe1986SuperBowlbetween the Chicago Bears (I was a huge fan of Jim McMahon, thequarterbackoftheBears)andtheNewEnglandPatriots.ButIhadyettomeet the twocastmemberswhowere staying inourhome, so I knewverylittleabouthowtheorganizationworked.AndIhadnoideaabouthowbigaroleUpwithPeoplewouldplayinshapingmylife.As we stood in the auditorium doorway, one of the cast memberslookedatusandyelled,“Hey,NumberOne”severaltimesuntilIfinallyrealized I was wearing my football jersey that day and that he wastalkingtome.SowewalkedoverandmetBrianKanter,atwenty-three-year-old from Kinston, North Carolina, who was working the soundsystemintheback.Brian, with his bulging biceps and an accent straight out of AndyGriffith’sMayberry,wastheoppositeofthestereotypeIhadinmymindforanUpwithPeoplecastmember.Wetalkedforseveralminutesandmadeanimmediateconnection,andLoriandIpromisedwe’dbetherefortheshow.Thenextnight,LoriandIsatupfrontasahundredyoungadultsfromtwenty-fivecountriessangandperformed.Seeingalltheseverydifferent

people on stage working together, I couldn’t help wondering why theworldcouldn’tworktogetherlikethat—black,white,Asian;peoplefromalldifferentcountries,religions,andbackgrounds.I’dneverbeenoutofthecountry.I’donlybeenonaplaneacoupleoftimesinmylife.Heck,myexposuretootherculturescamemainlyfrommovies.ButasBriansangtheclosingsong—“We’llBeThere”—IleanedoverandtoldLori,“That’swhatIwanttodo.”Attheendoftheshow,thecastinterviewedanyonebetweentheagesof seventeen and twenty-six who thought they might be interested intraveling with Up with People. So I watched a twenty-minute video,interviewed, and filled out an application. Two months later I got aletter from Glen Shepherd, the director of admissions with Up withPeople. Out of eight thousand annual applications, I was one of fivehundredfromaroundtheworldselectedtoparticipateinoneofthefiveinternationalcasts.Foraguywhohadappliedtodozensofcollegesandhadbeenrejectedbyallbuttwo,thiswasahugedeal.SoIwenttomyparentsandaskedif Icould takeayearoffbeforecollege; thankGod, Ihadparentswhosawthebiggerpicture.Theonlyobstaclewasthecost.Thetuitionwas$7,300(alotofmoneybackin1987).Also,Ineededaround-tripticketto Tucson and spending money. My parents didn’t have that kind ofmoney.If Iwantedtogo,myparentssaid,I’dhavetoraisethemoneymyself.UpwithPeopleencouragedfund-raisingandsentmeapamphletwithmorethanahundredideasonhowtodoso,butbynowitwasApril,soIonly had about ninety days to come up with the $8,000 I needed. Itturned intoahuge lesson in thepowerof the relationships Ihadbuiltduringmyyounglife.Tom France and the Suffern Rotary Club supported a fund-raisingspaghetti dinner that I held. My father and I produced an “Up withTommyPancakeBreakfastShow”atourchurch.Mymotherledthecrewthat cooked pancakes and sausages, and the priest and nuns directedpatrons from the early services down to the basement cafeteria.McDonald’s, one of the places I had worked while in high school,donatedthefood.Aroundfivehundredpeopleshowedup.Mynext-door

neighbor, Mrs. Warren, who worked at PepsiCo’s world headquarters,encouraged me to write a letter asking Pepsi to be a sponsor. Inexchangefortheirsponsorship,ItoldthemI’dwearPepsi-ColaT-shirts,placePepsibumperstickersonmysuitcase,andspreadthewordaboutPepsi-Colatopeopleworldwide.AndPepsicamethrough—theygaveme$3,000.WeraffledoffaSonyWalkmanandayear’sworthofDomino’sPizza (another placewhere I hadworked), and the football team soldtickets.Ievensoldstockinmyself,sendingletterstoahundredrelativesandfriendssayingthat“TommySpauldingInc.”wasgoingtochangetheworld.Thatwas thedividend they could expect—that I’d giveback totheworld.AndIraised$1,000withmystockoffering.Thebottomline—threemonthslaterIhadthe$8,000Ineeded.IlefttojoinUpwithPeopleinJuly1987.Ispentayeartravelingtheworld as the youngest member of a cast of one hundred people fromtwenty countries. It helpedme gain an incredible sense of confidenceand learn lifelong lessons about working with people of differentbackgrounds,races,andcultures.Thegroupbecameveryclose,buildingtremendous trust between us. I was able to take risks, fail, grow, andfindmyownpathforthefuture.Ibuiltfriendshipsthatmadegoodtimesbetter,butthatalsolovedmethroughmyfirstsignificanttragedy.Wewere inPalmSprings,Florida,when the castmanager toldme Ihad somenews fromhomeand tookme to the staffhotel foraphonecall. Thiswas before cell phones, and because the cast traveled everythreedays,phonecallswererareandoftenbroughtbadnews.Ifearedsomethinghadhappenedtomygrandparents.WhenIgotonthephone,bothofmyparentswerecrying.TheytoldmethatLoriNolan,myfirstloveandthegirlIhaddatedsinceseventhgrade,haddiedofmeningitiswhileatSpringfieldCollege—justonedayafterhernineteenthbirthday.Loriwasmorethanafirstlove.Shehadbeenmybestfriend.Shewasextremelypopularatourschool.Anathlete,Loriplayedbasketball,fieldhockey,andlacrosse.Ourhighschoolretiredhernumberwhenshedied.Shewas inducted into the school’s athletics hall of fame.An overflowcrowdoffriendsandfamilycametothefuneral;Icouldn’tstopthetearsfrom rolling down my face as I saw her lying in the casket, barelynineteenyearsofage,wearingthesamevioletdressandlacecollarthatshe’dworntotheprom.ItwasthefirsttimeanyonethatIwascloseto

had died. It brought home to me that I couldn’t take anything forgrantedinlife.Tomorrowisn’tpromisedtoanyofus.SpringfieldCollegehadgivenmeayear’sdeferralintermsofstartingschool so that I could keepmy commitment to Upwith People. AfterLoridied,however,thelastthingIwantedtodowasgotoSpringfield.WhenIrejoinedUpwithPeopleinFloridafollowingLori’sfuneral,ItoldmygoodfriendBrianKanterthatIwantedtoenrollinanewcollegeandliveinadifferentpartofthecountry.BrianaskedifI’dheardofEastCarolinaUniversity.Asitturnedout,Ihadacousin,JoeyWelsh,whowasaseniorthere.Itsoundedlikeagreatplace, but I told Brian I didn’t think I had the grades to get in. Briancalled his father, and he helped get me a one-on-one interview. So Imade my way from our tour stop in Columbia, South Carolina, toGreenville,NorthCarolina,wheremycousinpickedmeupandtookmetoameetingwith theadmissionscounselor.Theyagreed toacceptmethatfall,aftermytourwithUpwithPeoplewasover.At every turn, it seemed to me, the power of relationships hadinfluenced my direction. My relationship with Brian Kanter couldn’thavebeenmoreunlikely.Inmanyways,wearecompleteopposites.I’ma Christian; he’s Jewish. I’m a Republican; he’s a Democrat. I’m aYankee; he’s a Southerner. I’m a New York Giants fan; he’s a NewOrleans Saints fan. And yet a chance meeting at a high schoolauditoriumprovidedtheseedsthatblossomedintoalifelongfriendship.Twentyyearslater,BrianistheclosestthingIhavetoabrother.Those types of relationships—hundreds of them through the years—have helped me grow from a doubt-filled adolescent who survivedlargelyonthehopesthatotherswouldlikeme, intoaconfident leaderwho has learned that the power of relationships is not in what thoserelationshipscandoforme,butinwhattheycandoforothers.That’sthemeasureoftruesuccess.In fact, the singlegreatestaccomplishment inmy lifehasnothing todowithearningacademicdegrees,howmuchmoneyI’vemade,startingandleadingcompaniesandorganizations,orwinningawards.No,here’swhatitwouldbe:afund-raiserforLoriNolan.InJuly2005,eighteenyearsafterIgraduatedfromSuffernHighand

flewtoTucsontojoinacastofonehundredthatincludedBrianKanter,I stepped into the role of president and CEO of Up with People. Theorganization, dormant for three years because of financial problems,hiredme tobring itback to life.Westillhadoffices in fourcountries,but we shrank our staff to fewer than one hundred people and thebudgetdowntoabout$10millionayear.Inadditiontomakingcutsandreorganizing the business, I spent much of my time rebuildingrelationshipswithdonorsandworkingtogetourshowsbackintohigh-profileevents.Oneofthefirst initiativesIworkedonwasgettingUpwithPeoplea

performanceinthe2007Macy’sThanksgivingDayparadeinNewYorkCity.Atthesametime,Iwasresponsiblefororganizingthetwenty-yearreunion formy high school class because I had been president of ourseniorclass.Soweheld the reunion thatThanksgivingweekend,and IbroughttheUpwithPeoplecastfromNewYorkCitytoSuffernHighforafund-raiserperformancetobenefitthescholarshipfundinLori’sname.Thatnight,wehonoredLori’smemoryandreplenishedthenear-empty

scholarshipfundwiththousandsofdollars.Myparentswerethere.TomFrancewasthere(theSuffernRotaryClubwasasponsoroftheevent).Mrs. Singer was there. Hundreds of my high school classmates andfriendswerethere.AndmostofLori’sfamilymemberswerethere.I handed her parents a programwith a photo of Lori on the cover,

thenwalked them into the packed auditorium, down the aisle, to thetwo end seats on the fourth row—the very seats Lori and I had sat inthatnightalmosttwentyyearsearlierwhenwewatchedUpwithPeopleperform. I sat next toMr. andMrs. Nolan, andwewatched the showtogether.Thethreeofuscried.Andaswesattogether,tearsinoureyes,smiling, I was struck by the meaning of it all: You don’t have be aprodigytochangetheworld.

T

Chapter2

TheBartender

herestaurantbarinupstateNewYorkfelt likeamorgue,whichseemedappropriateatthetimesinceIfeltlikeIwasabouttodie.Evenashortbutgoodnight’ssleepatmyparents’nearbyhome

in Suffern, New York, couldn’t cure the jet lag I had from sitting ineconomyclassfornearlythirteenhoursstraight.Ihadenduredthe6,744airmiles from Tokyo to JFK and driven to the restaurant bar for onereasonandonereasononly—totakemyshotatwinningtheprestigiousRotary International Ambassadorial Scholarship. I needed to clear thecobwebsfrommyheadandputonmygamefacebeforemyturncametointerviewwiththescholarship’sselectioncommittee.Nine recent college graduates sat scattered around the room, each

sittingalone,onetoatable,butcollectivelygivingoffenoughcoldvibestoturntherestaurantintoameatlocker.Imighthavestruggledreadingbooks likeWar and Peace, but I could read their faces: “Stand clear,”theysaid.Asfinalistsforthescholarship,thetenofuswerehangingouttogether

—or alone but in the same room—as we awaited our turn with theselectioncommittee.UntilIwalkedintothatbar/morgue,Ihadfeltprettyconfident.Iwas

oneoftenfinalists,afterall.Theywouldn’thaveaskedmetoflyhomefrom halfway around the world if they hadn’t seen me as a topcontender. Then I noticed the name tags worn by the other ninecompetitors—Harvard,MIT,Princeton,Penn,Cornell,Dartmouth—andIlookeddownatmine.EastCarolinaUniversity.Thiswasnoslam-dunk.After scanning the room, I followed their verbal cues and foundmy

waytowardtheonlyfriendlyfaceIsaw—theonebehindthebar.

This was 1996. I had no laptop, no Blackberry, no access to theInternet,nohandheldgameplayer,andnomusicplayer loadedwithathousand songs. And I wasn’t one to sit alone flipping through amagazineorabookforwhatIknewwouldbealongwait.Mylastnamestarts with an S, whichmeant I’d be among the last to go in for theinterview. So I ordered a Diet Pepsi and kept company with thebartenderashewentabouthisroutinechores.As it turned out, the bartender owned the restaurant, just like hisfather before him and his father’s father before them both. And itseemedvery likely the four-year-oldboyplayingbehindthebarwouldonedayownittoo.Itwasagoodlife, thebartendertoldmeas InursedthatDietPepsi.HetoldmeallaboutgrowingupinarestaurantfamilyinupstateNewYork,aboutthejoysandperilsofparenthood,andaboutthetrialsandrewards of running a small business. He broke out the family photoalbumashe toldmeallabouthis life,and—although Ihadno ideaatthetime—hechangedthecourseofmine.I was just grateful for the diversion that came with sitting on thatbarstool. Listening to his stories, if nothing else,would keepme fromthinking too much about my own anxieties. After all, I was in therestaurantbaraspartofPlanBintheTommySpauldingMasterPlanforSuccess.Naturallyinclinedtotakerisks,IhadriskedeverythingIhadtoget there.Andaftereyeballing the IvyLeagueopposition sitting in theroom, moving on to Plan C, whatever that might be, seemed highlylikely.PlanAhadn’tbeensomodest—IhaddecidedtobecomegovernorofNewYork.Ialwayssawpoliticsasanhonorandaprivilege—achancetoreallyserveothers.Andaftersuccessfulstintsasseniorclasspresidentinbothhighschoolandcollege, Idreamedofgoing to lawschoolandthenclimbingthepoliticalladderuntilittookmeallthewaytoAlbany.Ihita fewbumpsalong that road,however. Ihada4.0gradepointaverage inhighschoolandcollege, for instance,butonly ifyouaddedthe two together.While Iwas living in Japan and teaching English inKisofukushima-machi, a village of about eight thousandpeople nestledintheNaganoAlps,Irodeatraintwoandahalfhourseachwayonthe

weekendstotakeacoursetohelpimprovemyscoreonthelawschoolentrance exam. I studied and studied, and stillmy score came inwellbelowtheaverage.Realisticbutundeterred,IbeganapplyingtolawschoolsbackintheUnited States. To increase my odds, I applied to the bottom thirtyaccredited law schools in the country. (At fifty bucks a pop for theapplication fees, andwith only about $1,800 inmy savings account, Icouldn’t afford a thirty-first application.) I even applied to NorthCarolinaCentralUniversitySchoolofLaw,whereIhopedtheadmissionscommittee might take me on as a “minority” student at thepredominatelyAfrican-Americancampus. Itdidn’t. In fact, in1995 theJapanesemailmandeliveredtoMr.ThomasJ.SpauldingJr.,teacherofEnglishinJapan,aspiringattorneyandwould-begovernorofNewYork,thirtyrejectionletters.“Thankyouforyourinterest,Mr.Spaulding,butweregret…”“Wearesorrytoinformyou…”“After careful consideration, the selection committee has declinedyourapplication…”Ididn’tevenknowtherewerethirtydifferentwaystotellsomeonetotakeahike.With Plan A in the trash bin, I got on a plane and headed to Bali,Indonesia,forsomesnorkeling,scubadiving,andsoul-searching.Thoserejection letters were a crushing blow to my hopes and dreams, andfrankly Iwasn’t surewhat todonext.Myconfidencewasn’t shattered,but it was severely cracked. There were sleepless nights when IwonderedifIwouldhavebeenbetteroffstayingbackinSuffern.HadIjustsetmyselfupforfailureafterfailure,Iwondered.Oneday,however,ItookadaytriptoLovinaBeach,onthenortherncoastofBali.Ifiguredawalkalongthesandyshores,somesnorkeling,and a chance to swim with the famous black dolphins might lift myspirits.Anditdid.ButwhatreallyrevivedthemwasaconversationontheboatwithChuckColmanandSarahGay,acouplefromAtlantawhohadalsosignedupfortheexcursion.I felt almost immediately comfortablewith this couple, andbefore IknewitIwastellingthemmylifestory.Isharedandtheylistened,andI

figuredthatlittlebitoftherapywasworththepriceofthesnorkeltrip.ThenSarahgavemeanunexpectedgift: “Youhave tomeetmy sister,CarolynGay,” she said. “She lives inWashington,D.C., andworks fortheDepartmentofEnergy.She’saRotarianandveryinvolvedwiththeirAmbassadorial Scholarship program. That program has your namewrittenalloverit.”I was familiar with Rotary, but I had no idea it offered such a

prestigious scholarship—full tuition and expenses to a graduate schooloverseasinreturnforrepresentingRotaryInternational.Thescholarship,she said, factored in academic achievement, but what it really soughtwere“globalambassadors.”TheideaofRotaryconsideringmea“globalambassador”fitmelikea

glove. In addition to my world travels with Up with People, I hadbackpacked all across Europe and Southeast Asia. And not onlywas IteachingEnglishinJapan,butIwasalsohelpingwiththepreparationsforthe1996WinterOlympicsinNagano.Ihadcometoseemyself—infact to definemyself—as just that: a global ambassador. My outgoingpersonality and a track record for hard work also seemed likeadvantages that just might offset my less-than-stellar academicachievements.So I took down Carolyn’s address and wrote her a letter. She

responded a few weeks later, encouraging me to apply for thescholarship.Sheevenincludedanapplicationformformetofilloutandsend tomyhometownRotaryDistrict.As Imailed theapplication, thethoughtofgettingthatscholarshiprenewedmyhopeinthefuture.Three months later I received a letter from Rotary District 7210 in

RocklandCounty,NewYork,butthistimeitwasn’tanotherrighthookof rejection.This one informedme that Iwas oneof ten finalists, andthat I needed to come the followingmonth for an interviewwith theselection committee. So I depleted my savings to buy a plane ticket,headedbacktotheUnitedStates,andparkedmybuttonabarstooluntilmyturncametodazzletheRotarians.When thatchancecame, the ten-member selectioncommitteedrilled

mewithquestionsaboutmy travels throughoutEurope, living inAsia,andmyworldwide toursas a castmemberwithUpwithPeople.They

also asked aboutmy academic record, and I didmy best to turn thatlemonintolemonadebyshiftingthefocusbacktotherelationshipsthathadhelpeddefinemeasaleader.I told them stories about how I’d actively cared for people likemycollege fraternity brother. As a freshman, Chad Harris dove into theshallow water of a pond, suffered a broken neck, and became aquadriplegic.Forthenextfouryears,EdDavenportandIlivedwithandcaredforChad,feedinghim,dressinghim,bathinghim—helpinghimineverywayimaginable(andinsomewaysInevercouldhaveimagined!).Then, during the summer prior to our senior year in college, Chad’sparentsgavethethreeofusanearlygraduationgift—round-tripairlineticketstoEurope.Webackpackedfromcitytocity,sharinginChad’sjoyasheexperiencedthingsmostquadriplegicsneverdreamof—ascendingto the topof theEiffel Tower inParis, visiting theBerlinWall, takingboatridesthroughthecanalsofVenice.ItoldthemstoriesabouthowI’dworkedhardtosucceeddespitemylearning disability, and I drew comparisons to famous people whoovercame obstacles before they achieved success. I talked about howMichaelJordan’scoachcuthimfromthevarsitybasketball teamwhenhewasinthetenthgradeandhowThomasEdisonwaslabeledmentallyslowbyateacherandhadtobehome-schooledbyhismother.ItalkedabouthowDwightEisenhowerfinishedatthebottomofhisclassatWestPoint.And I told them about famous people who were also dyslexic—businessleaderslikeHenryFord,WilliamHewlett,andCharlesSchwab;politicians like Winston Churchill and John Kennedy; scientists andinventorslikeEdison,AlexanderGrahamBell,andAlbertEinstein.Igavethesalespitchofmylife,andthenIleftmyfateinthehandsofthose ten Rotarians and headed north in a rainstorm to visit mygrandmotherupstateinSaratogaSprings.Thecommittee,meanwhile,begansifting through theapplicantsandsoon narrowed the field to two finalists—an Indian girl who hadgraduated fromHarvardUniversitymagnacum laudeandme,ThomasSpauldingJr.,whograduatedfromEastCarolinaUniversity“thankGodAlmightycumlaude!”

HalfoftheselectioncommitteewashighonMissHarvardUniversitywithherperfect4.0GPAandherlife-goalofriddingtheworldofAIDS.Theotherfivewereimpressedwithmypassion,myloveforpeople,mytravels,myleadershipexperienceand,mostofall,mydesiretomakeasignificantcontributiontotheworld.FiveforHarvardandfiveforSpaulding!Theyhaddebated foraboutanhourwithnobodybudgingwhen the

chairman called for a recess. The group headed to the bar, ordereddrinks, and informally resumed the debate. Nomatter what was said,however, the vote remained tied—five for Harvard and five forSpaulding.Infrustration, thechairmanturnedtothebartender.“Barkeep,we’re

at a dead split,” he said. “You spent the entire afternoon in the sameroom with the ten young candidates. You must have met them all.Whichcandidatewereyoumostimpressedwith?”“Well, sir, I didn’tmeet all ten candidates—just one,” the bartender

said.“Onlyonepersoncameuptothebarandintroducedhimself.ThatTommySpauldinghastobeoneofthenicestkidsthatIhaveevermet!”Thebartendercastthedecidingvote.The Rotarians awarded me the $25,000 scholarship to attend Bond

UniversityinQueensland,Australia,whereIearnedmyMBA,settingthenewcourseformylife.

IleftthatinterviewfeelinglikeIhadgivenitmybesteffort,butunsurethecommitteewouldpickmeover theotherwell-qualifiedcandidates.WitheachmileIdroveupInterstate87inthepouringrain, Ireplayedtheinterviewinmyhead.FinallyIpulledoffthehighway,foundapayphone, and called the only person I knew on the committee—TomFrance, the sameRotarianwhohadhelpedmego to theRotaryYouthLeadershipAcademy(RYLA)whenIwasinhighschool.BythetimeTomgottothephone,myheartwasbeatingfasterthana

thoroughbredmakingastretchrunatSaratoga.ButIbracedmyselfforthelikelyeventthatthenewswouldn’tbegood.“Howareyou,Tommymyboy?”Tomsaidwhenhe took thephone

fromhiswife,Lu.“Idon’tknow,Tom,”Isaid.“Youtellme.”ThenhesaidsixwordsI’llneverforget:“Youwon,Tommyboy!You

won!”I’dwoninathleticsandIhadwonstudentgovernmentelections,but

I’d never won anything like this—an academic scholarship. For a guywho loves to talk, Ihardlyknewwhat to say. I thankedhimoverandoverandover,thenhungupthephone,felltomyknees,andcriedlikeababy—in a phone booth on a highway in upstate New York as rainpouredallaroundmeliketearsfromheaven.Ittookmeafewminutestopullmyselftogether,butthenImadeone

morephone call beforegettingbackon the road. I called theperson Ialways called first when something wonderful happened to me—myfather.When he picked up the phone, I didn’t even say hello. I just said,

“Dad, I won!” Whenever I’ve won or lost in life, my father’s alwaysrespondedwith words of affirmation, and this night was no different.“Ofcourseyouwon,son,”hesaid.“Youarechangingtheworld!”

I

Chapter3

RelationshipEconomics

twas a year later that Tom France toldme about the bartender’simpact on my life. The revelation shocked me. I didn’t evenremembertheguy’sname.Ihadsimplyshownagenuineinterestin

him,muchasIshowagenuineinterestineveryoneImeet.IrememberthesenseofhumilityandgratitudethatwashedovermeasIconsideredtheimpactofthatsimplechancemeeting.Thebartender taughtme lessons thathavebeenreinforcedhundreds

of times over the course of my career—lessons about life and, morespecifically,lessonsaboutthepowerofrelationshipeconomics.Economics dealswith how things like “production, distribution, and

consumption of goods and services” shape the financial and materialwelfare of people. So relationship economics emphasizes the humanaspect of that. It sounds simple enough. But no part of our economicsystem gets less attention from the so-called experts. No part of oureconomicsystemismoregreatlyundervaluedor,worse,wronglyvalued.Too many authors, leaders, and managers treat relationships as acommodity.Therefore,nopartofoureconomicsystemismoreworthyofourunderstandingandattention.Therealitiesofrelationshipeconomicsare,inmanyways,exemplified

bymyencounterwiththebartender.HeandIhadaminimalfinancialtransaction. I bought a Diet Pepsi in exchange for an agreed-uponamount of U.S. legal tender (about $1.25, as I remember it). But ourrelational transaction—aninvestmentofa fewhoursofour time—paidhuge dividends for me; and, who knows, he might have gainedsomethingbeyondthatbuckandaquarter.From such relationships, I began discovering the laws that govern

relationshipeconomics. In theworldofmonetaryeconomics, therearerealitiessouniversallyacceptedthatthey’reconsideredlaws.TheLawof

SupplyandDemand,forinstance.OrtheLawofDiminishingReturns.OrtheLawofOnePrice.OrGresham’sLaw.Aswemove throughout thisbook,we’regoingtoexploreanumberoflawsthatgovernrelationshipeconomics.My relationship with the bartender is an example of the Law ofRandomRelationships: an investment in a short-lived and seeminglyrandomencountercanproduceunforeseeableyetsignificantbenefits.It’simportantnottodismisswhathappenedwiththebartenderasaone-in-a-million, never-would-happen-to-me encounter. Indeed, suchencountershappentoallofusmorefrequentlythanwerealize.IfTomFrancehadn’tsharedthestoryaboutthebartender,Ineverwouldhaveknownabouthisinfluenceonmylife.Many times, however, the power of these random relationships isquite clear, as was the case with Sarah Gay—thewoman Imet whilesnorkeling in Bali. Because of that unexpected one-day connection, Iendedupapplyingforascholarshipthatchangedmylife.Notonlythat,butIbecamefriendswithhersisterCarolyn,andwestillvisitwheneverI’minD.C.In fact, there are many examples of long-term partnerships thatillustratetheLawofRandomRelationships.Inretrospect,it’seasytoseemany great partnerships or business deals as preordained, butwhat ifBillHewlettandDavePackardhadnevergonewithfriendsonthetwo-week camping trip in Colorado that launched their friendship?Wouldthe two Stanford grads have launched one of the world’s pioneeringtechnology companies? What if Steve Jobs hadn’t met Steve Wozniakwhile sitting in on some Hewlett-Packard workshops?What if HarveyFirestone hadn’t been working as a salesman at the Columbus BuggyWorksinDetroitonthedayHenryFordwalkedinlookingforsometiresthatmightworkonthe low-costcarFordhopedtobuild?What ifBenCohenandJerryGreenfieldhadn’tbeenassignedthesameseventh-gradegymclass?Thepointis,wecan’taffordtodismisscasualencounters.Theoneweignore might be our Hewlett (or our Packard), our Jobs (or ourWozniak),ourFirestone(orourFord),ourBen(orourJerry)—itmightevenbeourbartender!

Economists, authors, and business leaders love to talk about ROI—Return on Investment—and well we should. When it comes torelationshipeconomics,I’dliketointroduceadifferentconcept—Returnon Relationships (ROR). My investment of time with the bartender,without my even realizing it, was an investment that produced anincredible, life-altering return—exactly the type of Return onRelationshipanyonecanpursue.SuchRORcomesinallsortsofforms,anditshouldbeasimportanttoyou and your organization as profits, revenues, and ROI—becausewithoutgeneratingROR,theROIwon’tmatter.If you’re building a career or running a company, there’s anopportunity for ROR throughout your organization with your clients,colleagues, employees, vendors, management team, and customers. Ifyou’re running a nonprofit, there’s an opportunity for RORwith yourvolunteers, your donors, your stakeholders, and your staff. If you’re astudent,there’sanopportunityforRORwithyourclassmates,teachers,coaches,andprofessors.Ifyou’reapolitician,there’sanopportunityforROR with your constituents, with the civil servants who actually runmuchofgovernment,and,ofcourse,withvoters.AndRORworks from the bottomup aswell as from the top down.Whereveryouareintheorganizationalflowchart,increasingyourRORprovidesopportunities for the typesof successes thatnotonlyadvanceyourcareer,butalsoprovidemeaningfulsatisfactioninyourwork.This isn’t a reality some business leaders willingly embrace. Maybeyou work with or for some of those people. Or maybe you work forwonderful people who love and respect you. But even wonderfulmanagersand leaders inhighlysuccessfulorganizationsoftenmiss thisbig idea.Whenthathappens, they loseoutonanopportunity forevengreatersuccess.Infact,chancesaretheleadersyouknowwhodevalueROR simplydo so out of ignoranceor inattentionorhabit.Youmightevenbeoneofthoseleaders.OurWesternculturepromotesexecutingbusinessatthespeedoflight,which often leaves the wrong things dead along the side of the road.Pressedbythetyrannyoftheurgentandtheperceiveddemandsofthe“bottomline,”alltoomanyleaders—eventhosewhoactuallybelievein

the importance of ROR—end up neglecting it, and eventually it coststhem.It’s impossible to build a successful career or organization in a silo;

relationships,inotherwords,aren’toptional,they’reessential—internalrelationships (up, down, and across the organizational chart); externalrelationships (with clients, vendors, and customers); financialrelationships (with stockholders, investors, and donors); personalrelationships(withspouses,partners,family,andfriends)andperipheralrelationships(withthecommunity).This isn’t news tomostmodern leaders.Askany leaderormanager,

and you’ll hear all the corporate buzzwords about the importance ofpeople.They’reeveryorganization’s“greatestasset.”It’srighttherewiththeother“values”thatareframedonthelobbywallorgatheringdustina binder on a shelf. But while leaders generally understand theimportanceoftherelationshipsthataffecttheirorganizations,manyfailmiserably when it comes to truly developing a corporate culture thatlivesoutthatvalue.Tom Rath, who leads Gallup’s Workplace Research and Leadership

Consultingdivision,puttogetherateamthatdissectedyearsofGallup’sdata.Theyfound,amongotherthings,thatonlyoneinthirteenpeopleisengagedinhisorherjobifheorshedoesn’thaveabestfriendatwork.Theyfoundthatifyouhaveat leastthreeclosefriendsatwork,you’re96percentmorelikelytobeextremelysatisfiedwithyourlife.Andtheyfound that if you have a close relationshipwith yourmanager, you’remore than2.4 timesmore likely tobesatisfiedwithyour job.Andyetonly18percentofusworkfororganizationsthatprovideopportunitiesto develop such relationships on the job, and only 17 percent ofemployees report that their manager has made “an investment in ourrelationship”inthepastthreemonths.*

Even the best-intentioned leaders struggle with how to make this“value”comealive.Whatdoesitlooklike?Howdoesitwork?Howcanwegetpeople tobuy into it andnot see it as justanotherprogramorplatitude? How can we take it from a “good and noble idea” to anintrinsic attitude that permeates the organization’s culture? Andeventually the money question drags them down: Can we afford it?When it comes right down to it, can building this type of relationship

cultureincreaseprofits—istheRORbringinganROI?That last question represents what I’ve come to see as the greatestmyth about building deep, meaningful relationships throughout anorganization:thatanythingmorethananominaleffortinthatdirectionwill hurt the bottom line. The reality is just the opposite. In fact, it’sneverbeenmore important to figureouthowanorganizationcangivemore than lip service to the idea of building a culture that valuesauthenticrelationships,becauserelationshipshavebecomethecurrencyofthemoderneconomy.The world’s “economy” evolves with each rotation of the planet.We’ve seen it represented as an agricultural economy, an industrialeconomy,aserviceeconomy,anexperienceeconomy,andaknowledgeeconomy. Some say we’re moving, or have moved, into a greeneconomy.Moreaccurately,we’vemovedintoaservanthoodeconomy—oneinwhichourgreatestvalueisfoundinhowweserveeachotherandour greater communities. To build a sustainable organization in thetwenty-firstcentury,wemustaddvaluetosomethingandsomeoneotherthanourselves.Wemight do that by “going green” or bymentoring ajuniorexecutiveorbyorganizingafund-raiserforamicro-lendingbankorbyhelpingaclosefriendthroughacareerchange.Don’t misunderstandme: skill and talent remain important, as doesexperience and knowledge. Competition is fierce for the essentials tosuccess—information, talent, customers, investors, and on and on. Butwhencompetingforcesclash,whatseparatesonefromanotherisalmostalways relationships. I’ve found this to be true whether I’ve beenworking in sales for a corporate giant, building a statewide leadershipprogramforteens,runningoneofthemostinfluentialnonprofitsintheworld,orconsultingwithleadersoffor-profitcompanies.Thinkaboutit.Ifyou’repickingbetweentwovendorsorclientswhowant your business, two nonprofits that need your donation, or twoinvestorswhoareconsideringfundingyourventure,whatfactorsdoyouconsider?Qualityisimportant.Pricematters.Butwhataboutintegrity?Trust? Loyalty? Whom do you really know? Who really knows yourneeds?Whobreathesenergyintoyoursoulandyourorganizationratherthansuckingthe lifeoutof it?Anditalwayscomesdowntothismostimportantquestion:Whomdoyouhavetherelationshipwith?

Organizations that succeed in relationship economics—that generatesignificant ROR—are marked by what I call “relational competence.”And I believe any organization that isn’t marked by relationalcompetenceismarkedforextinction.Itsimplycan’tsurviveforlong.What’s more, successful “organizations” are nothing more than a

collectionofthepeoplewithinthem.Individualswhoexcelinrelationalcompetencestandthegreatestchanceofadvancingtowardtheircareergoals, while also advancing the goals of the organization. Sorelationshipsmatter regardless ofwhether you are an emerging leaderwhoisjustbeginningtoblazeatrail,oraveteranleaderresponsiblefortheultimatevisionandbottom-linedecisionsthatcanmakeorbreaktheorganization.Profithas alwaysbeenan important factor in economichistory, and

shareholder value has been in the mix for a few hundred years. ButAmerican capitalism has been at its best when it has balanced thosedesired outcomes with noble motivations—that is, when business hasfoundwaystoimprovelivesandmakeaprofitatthesametime.Successisn’talwaysaboutprofit.Infact,themostimportantquestion

anorganizationmustask itself is this:Howdowedefinesuccess?Andtheanswermustgobeyondprofits.Innovation and entrepreneurship are born of the desire to identify

needsandfillthem,butsomewherealongthewaywelostthebalanceofpower.Profitbecameadictator.Relationships, thekey tocultivatingadesiretohelpothers,becamesecondary.Theresultshaven’talwaysbeenpretty. Consider any organization that’s fallen on hard times, fromcompanieslikeCountrywideFinancial,WashingtonMutual,orEnron,toentireindustries(banking,mortgagelending,healthinsurance).Therootcauseisthattheyputprofitsaheadofpeople.Companiesandindustriesthat rose to the top by valuing relationships, fell to the bottom byabandoningthoserelationshipsinthenameofgreed.Ifprofit isking, itmustsharethecrown.Profitandrelationshipsare

notalwaysequal,buttheyneedtobeinbalance.Eachinitsownwayisessential to building a sustainable and significant organization. Anddespite the way that most organizations see it, they aren’t mutuallyexclusive.Theynotonlyrespecteachother,theycan’tlivewithouteach

other. And when they work together, they not only change lives andorganizationsbutentirecommunities.Dozensoforganizationsofall sizesprove thispoint, fromtheTOMS

Shoesprogramthatgivesawayshoestoneedychildrentothebillionsofdollarsgivenincorporateandfoundationdonations.Many great companies understood this long before “corporate

responsibility”becameabuzzword.In1943,justbeforehisfamily-builtcompany went public, Robert Wood Johnson crafted a now-famouscorporate “credo” that starts off by saying, “We believe our firstresponsibilityistothedoctors,nursesandpatients,tothemothersandfathersandallotherswhouseourproductsandservices.”*

The Johnson & Johnson credo goes on to talk about respecting thedignity of workers and their families and being responsible to thecommunity.Andnotuntilthefourthandfinalparagraphdoesitmentionthe responsibility to stockholders tomake a profit. “Whenwe operateaccordingtotheseprinciples,”Johnsonwrote,“thestockholdersshouldrealizeafairreturn.”Thecostofpoorrelationshipsshowsupalloverthebalancesheetin

great big strokes of red ink. It shows up as lost sales, of course, andinefficientpartnerships,anddon’tforgetthecostofturnover.Whatdoesitcost toreplacetheemployeewhowas firedbecausehedidn’tdohisjobwellorwhosimplyleftforajobsomewhereelse?Andwhataretheunderlying costs related to his departure? Was he an underperformerbecauseofthepoormanagementandleadershiparoundhim?Ordidheleavebecausehehadnoreasontostayloyaltothecompany?Andwhatdid it cost the company in termsof decreasedproductivity that comeswithlandslidingmorale?A 2007 Gallup Management Journal survey estimated that “actively

disengagedworkers”costtheU.S.economyabout$382billion.Around24.7millionworkerseighteenyearsofageandolder—about18percentoftheworkforce—fall intothiscategory.Theyaren’t justunhappy,butthey’re “acting out their unhappiness.” Another 56 percent areconsidered “not engaged,” meaning they are putting in their time atwork,butwithout“energyorpassion.”Only26percentofworkersarefully“engaged”intheirwork,accordingtothesurvey.

Well-managed relationships generate a return in opportunities forgreaterprofitsandshareholdervalue.Andwhilesomepoorlymanagedrelationshipsmight generate positive outcomes in the short term, theyarealwaysthecracksthateventuallybreakthedam.Thisappliesontheorganizationallevelandforeachofusasanindividual.Mymotivationswith thebartenderweren’tbasedonmyownprofit.TheRORcamenaturallyfrommyfocusontherelationship,randomasitwas. In that case it was unexpected, but more often it’s the result ofintentionalefforttoinvestinotherswithanunderstandingthatthere’sapotential—butnotguaranteed—benefit.If I had known what the bartender could do for me, would I havetreatedhimdifferently?Ithinknot,butthere’snowaytoknowforsure.Andthat’sthething:youneverknowwhenthenextrelationshipwillbethemostimportantofyourlife,inyourcareer,orinyourorganization.I learned this (again) when Leader’s Challenge, the nonprofit Ifounded in2000,began to experience somegrowingpains en route tobecomingColorado’slargestyouthleadershipprogram.Everyyearwehadmoreandmoregraduatesof theprogram,whichmeant our graduation ceremony quickly outgrew most of the smallerfacilities in Denver. One year we realized we’d have as many as twothousandgraduates,friends,andfamilyattendingthatevent.Ourboardauthorizedmetofindalargerfacility,andIwenttoworkgoingoveralistofplacesthatwerebigenough.Veryquickly,however, Ihita roadblock.LionsClub International,acommunity service organizationmuch like Rotary, had booked almostallof thecity’s larger facilitieson thedateweneededbecauseDenverwashostingthegroup’sannualconvention.Wehadmadetoomanyplanstoshiftourdate,butIcouldfindonlyone available venue big enough for our graduation: the historic andpalatial Paramount Theater in downtownDenver. Therewas only oneproblem. Icalled themanagerof the facility,andhe toldme thepricefortheParamountwas$25,000—andthatwasthe“nonprofit”rate!Ourbudget:$2,000!I did my best to negotiate a lower price, but the manager neverbudged.MyspiritssankasIhungupthephonewithnogoodoptionsfor

aplacetoholdourbiggestandmostimportanteventoftheyear.Mywife, Jill, and Iwere stilldatingat that time,and thatnightwedressed up and I took her to dinner at D’Luca’s, one of Denver’s bestItalian restaurants. I looked forward to sitting with her at a nice,romantictablebythefrontwindow,eatingagreatmealwithabeautifulwoman,andforgettingallaboutmyvenuecrisis.As we were taking our seats, however, I took off my jacket andinadvertently put my elbow in the ear of the middle-aged bald guysittingatthenexttable.AsIwasbeggingtheman’sforgiveness,Jillwasmakingfriendswithhiswifeandfamily.Now, Jill is the only person I knowwho looks at the dessertmenubeforeorderingherentrée.Shelookslikesheeatsnothingbutsaladsandrice cakes, but she’s actually a lover of great desserts. Sowhile Iwasapologizing, she was moving the conversation away from my socialblunderby inquiringabout the scrumptious-lookingchocolatecake thefamily had ordered. Before I knew it, our tables were joined and weweretalkingaboutlifewithLarryandDebraMelnickandtheirchildren.Larry,Idiscovered,workedforStanKroenke,theowneroftheDenverNuggets, the Colorado Avalanche, and a handful of music venues intown. More specifically, Larry was an executive with KSE-CCEPromotions. And KSE-CCE Promotions owned the Paramount Theater.So,despitemyelbowtohisear—orperhapsbecauseofJill’scharmingpersonality—weexperienced the LawofRandomRelationships. By theendofdinner,Leader’sChallengehadfoundafriendwhohelpedusgettheParamountforthegraduationatapricethatwaswithinourbudget.LarryandIneverformedanintimatefriendship,butwehaveagreatrelationship that started with me elbowing him in the ear and himofferingtohelpaneventthathonoredmorethanathousandstudentsinourcommunity.

If relationshipsare so important that even seemingly randommeetingsoffer huge potential, why are so many of us—and, thus, so manyorganizations—so poor at cultivating intentional relationshipswith co-workers, clients, customers, and employees,much less discovering thehidden value of random relationships?Why do surveys tell us that so

many people are unhappywith their work, or that they distrust theiremployers? Why are cynicism and skepticism the hallmarks of mostorganizationalcultures,andnotmeaningfulrelationships?Andhowcanleaders bring about change that takes this core value from a well-meaningplatitudeandputsitintoaction?We have to face this challenge by taking a fresh look at the

importance of relationship-building, taking steps to live out relationalcompetenceinallofourdailyinteractions,and,ifwe’reinaleadershipposition, offering innovative solutions that will energize theorganization’sculture.Firstofall,lookatwheretheorganizationneedsto go. In other words, start with the end in mind, as Stephen Coveywouldsuggest.Tocreateanorganizationwithaculturethat’ssteepedinrelational competence—that is committed to deep, meaningfulrelationships—you need to start with each individual within theorganization. It starts with you. And that change has to move theindividual up the grid of the Five Floors of Relationships. As theindividualsbegintomovealongthisgrid,sotoowilltheorganization.Insomeorganizationsthechangewillbeledfromthetopdown.Inothersitwillstartfromdeepwithintheorganizationandexpandthroughoutit.Regardless, there’snoexcuse for shifting the responsibility to someoneotherthanourselves.We’re going to dive deep into the heart of relationship economics—

how we can define relationships that matter, how we can createrelationships that matter, and how we can grow relationships thatmatter.We’regoing toexplore thekeys torelationshipeconomics, relational

competence, andROR.Andwhen they are put into practice, theywillhelpyouretainclients,superchargeyourcareer,createloyalcolleaguesand customers, grow business—all the bottom-line measures of asuccessfulbusiness.But there’s something even more important about relational

competence.ItwillspawnthekindofrandomrelationshipsI’vehadwiththe bartender, Sarah Gay, and Larry Melnick, as well as deep, long-lasting relationships such as those I’ve had with Mrs. Singer, BrianKanter,TomFrance,andmanyothersyou’llmeetinthecomingpages.Thosetypesofrelationshipswillchangeyouandyourlifeforthebetter.

They’ll change your career. And they’ll change the organization youworkfor.Andbydoingthat,theycan—andwill—changetheworld.

*ThisresearchisreportedinRath’sbookVitalFriends(GallupPress,2006).

*http://www.jnj.com/connect/about-jnj/jnj-credo/

SECTIONTWO

HowtoBuildRelationshipCapital

I

Chapter4

TheFiveFloorsofRelationships

know thousands of people, and many of them wield tremendousinfluence.Iflifeandbusinesswereallabout“whoyouknow,”thenI’d be set. But none of those relationships took on extraordinary

value unless I approached them with the idea that they mattered forsomethingaboveandbeyondthetransaction.Ididn’tsetouttomakethebartender a lifelong friend, for instance, and that type of friendshipnevermaterialized.But I alsodidn’t settle forwhat I call a First Floorrelationship.I think of relationships in terms of a five-floor building. The deeper

andmoremeaningful a relationship, thehigher the floor it resideson.My closest, deepest relationships are Fifth Floor, or Penthouse,relationships.Let me be clear—relationships seldom fit neatly into a box (or a

building).They’refartoodynamic.Someoverlapondifferentfloors,andothersseemtomoveupanddownfloors likeanelevator.But theFiveFloorplanhelpsgivemeareferencepointandallowsmetothinkaboutthe boundaries that define my relationships, so that I can continuallyworktomakethemstrongerandmorerewarding.Itrytodevelopstrongrelationships at every level. And becausemy relationshipswith othersmatter somuch tome, and because I come to them intending to helpothers, many of these relationships develop into something moremeaningfulthananythingIhadimagined.MostrelationshipsstartontheFirstFloor.Wemeetandwegreet.We

exchangebusinesscards. It typically involvesa transactionalexchange.Weneedsomethingspecificfromtheotherperson—anairlineticket,orlunch,orhelpwithaquestion.Afterwegetwhatwewant,wemoveon.“Howareyoutoday?”Imightasktheclerkbehindacounter,without

really expecting much of an answer. And, likewise, the clerk may

respond,“Fine, thanks forasking,”eventhoughthetruth ishemaybeanxious about unpaid bills or a sick relative or a car that needs to berepaired.We engage in dozens of First Floor relationships each day—withclients, colleagues, the postal clerk, the receptionist at the dentist’soffice,thewaitressattherestaurant,theflightattendantontheairplane.Thisiswheremostrelationshipsstart.Butalltoooftenweallowourrelationshipstostaythere.Wemeetthenewhireinourdepartmentonemorningand forgethernameby lunch (ifnotbefore). Ifpeoplearen’tessentialtoourjobsorourdailylives,wedon’tmaketheefforttogettoknow them better. We only make a minimal investment of time andeffort;thevendoronthephonewhotakesanorderisafacelessvoice.Thenextlevelofrelationships—SecondFloorrelationships—iswherewebeginsharingmoreinformation.Butit’sverybasicinformation,thetype we dispense out of social obligation or because it’s a jobrequirement,notbecausewe’reofferingsomeinsightintowhoweare.At work, “positional authority” often guides these kinds ofrelationships. We interact because the other person’s position, or ourposition, requires it. But Second Floor relationships also result fromcasual friendships with people whom we know to a degree, but notparticularly well. Perhaps you catch a football game together, or gettogetherforaholidaygathering.Thesearepeoplewithwhomweholdpolite conversations, but the level of intimacy seldom moves beyondNSW—news,sports,andweather.Unfortunately,manyofushavefriendswethinkofas“close”who,inreality,areonlyontheSecondFloor.Weseldomrevealthingstothemaboutourselvesthatwouldmakeusvulnerableoropen;weseldomtakeemotional risks. If someone else mentions such an acquaintance, ourinstinct is tosay,“Oh, I’mfriendswithso-and-so.”Butwhenwereallypeel back the onion, all we have is an NSW relationship. We wouldnever count on them for help, or for a big favor. I have a number offriendswholiveinanNSWworld.WheneverItalktothem,everythingis perfect—their family is perfect, business is perfect, life is perfect.That’salltheyletyousee—theperfectparts.Theynevertalkaboutthethingsinlifethatchallengeorreallydefinethem.Andasaresult,they

neverriseabovetheSecondFloor.In Third Floor relationships, people develop an emotional comfortlevelthatgoesbeyondfactsandinformation.InsteadofrestingonNSWconversations, we begin sharing opinions and feelings. It’s notuncommonto feel safeenough toexchangecompetingviewpoints,andnot just on trivial matters like who was the best clutch hitter in thehistory of baseball. (As a Yankees fan, I have to gowith Derek Jeter,even over Reggie Jackson andMickeyMantle; and, yes, I realize thatsomefansdon’tseethisasatrivialquestion!)Inbusiness,positionalauthorityremainstheprimaryguidingforceinThirdFloorrelationships.Ourpositionatworkrequiresus tosaywhatwe think, rather than justpresentdata, becauseouropinions canhelpshape decisions. The higherwemove up the organizational chart, themoreouropinionsandconcernsaboutissuesmatter.In Third Floor relationships, we learn about the lives of our co-workers, vendors, clients, and other professional associates, and webegintounderstandsomethingaboutwhotheyareaspeople,evenifwedon’t necessarily agree with all of their opinions. And we’re sharingpersonalinformationaboutourselves—ourideasandfeelings.Butit’salsoinThirdFloorrelationshipsthatwediscoverwhatIcalla“wall of conflict.” Relationships often stall here because the inevitableconflict acts as a locked door to the staircase leading up. But it alsopresentsopportunitiestofosterthetypeofinteractionsthatcanleadtomuchdeeperrelationships.Genuinerelationshipsaren’tbasedonourpositionoronahierarchy.Whenwe followsomeonebecause she is theboss,we’re responding toherpositionalauthority.Whenwefollowsomeonebecausewetrustandrespect her, we’re responding to our feelings about her as a person.That’s“relationalauthority.”DarlyneBailey,inTheLeaderoftheFuture2(Jossey-Bass,2006),callsthistypeofauthorityadefiningcharacteristicof genuine, authentic leadership: “Positions of power are just that—positions.Trueleadersknowthatwhotheyareismuchmorethanwhattheydo.”InaFourthFloorrelationship,therelationshiptakesondeeper,moresignificant meaning. We share common interests, goals, beliefs, and

causes. We’ve also learned to work through conflicts, and we’rerespondinginwaysthatshowthatwevaluetherelationshipforitsownsake.The increased trust and respect we share in such relationships also

leads togreatervulnerabilityandopenness.Wemightconfide thatourmarriageisfailing,ordiscussprivate,sensitivedetailsaboutourfinanceswith sucha friend,both inaneffort to shareourdreamsand fears,aswellastoaskfortheiradviceandsupport.We stillmay not share all of our flaws and insecuritieswith Fourth

Floorfriends,andtheydon’tyetsharealloftheirswithus.Butwedon’tjudgeeachotherthewaywedidintheearlystagesoftherelationship.We’ve dropped our guards;we’rewell beyond deciding onwhether ornot we like the other person—at this stage we’re looking for ways totaketherelationshipevenfurtherandmaintainthecloseconnectionwefeel.We’remorecomfortabletellingeachotheraboutthethingsthatareimportant in our lives, that help shape who we are.We’ve gone waybeyondNSWrelationships.Fifth Floor relationships—the Penthouse of relationships—go well

beyond anything discussed in Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends &InfluencePeople. InFifthFloor relationships,vulnerability,authenticity,trust, and loyalty are off the charts. They are relationshipsbasedon asharedempathy—anintuitiveunderstandingofeachother’sneeds,eventhose that aren’t necessarily expressed. We literally “feel” anotherperson’sstateofmind.It’sarelationshipbasedmoreongivingthanongetting. But that kind of giving gives usmore thanwe could possiblyimagine.In Fifth Floor relationships, we become confidants, advisers, and

partnersinhelpingtheotherpersonachievetheirgreatestpotential.Yes, Fifth Floor relationships are uncommon, if for no other reason

than theamountof timeandenergy required todevelopandmaintainsuchrelationships.ButourtendencyistoputunnecessarylimitsonourFifthFloor relationships.Wemay thinkweonlyhave room for twoorthreesuchrelationships,wheninfactwecaneasilyembraceadozenormore.OrwethinkonlycertaintypesofpeoplecanrelatetousonaFifthFloorlevel.Wethinkwecan’thaveaPenthouserelationshipwith,say,a

homelessmanwemetatasoupkitchen,orwithourspouse’sex-spouse.Butthat’ssimplynottrue.Thereisnolimittoourabilitytoreachouttoothers.I’ll share plenty of exampleswith you later in the book, but I don’twanttogetaheadofmyself.BeforewecangettothePenthouse,wefirsthavetolearnhowtogetofftheFirstFloor.

All relationships require hardwork, patience, understanding, and, yes,tacticsandstrategiesdesignedtomakethemblossom.Butdon’tconfusethatwithmanipulation.Wecanhavetacticsandstrategiesforbuildingrelationships, just as we have tactics and strategies for marketing,selling,advertising,production,distribution,andcustomerservice.The key to creating a rich network of relationships, however, isunderstanding thisdeepandbasic truth:motivesmatter. Ifallwecareabout is using others to advance our career and our net worth, ourrelationshipwillhaveno lastingvalue. Itmayworkforatime,or inafew specific situations, but the foundation on which you build yourrelationships will be unstable, and the relationship ultimately willcollapse—likelywhenyouneed it themost.Yes, at timeswe live in adog-eat-dogworld,butactinginkindwilldestroyyoursouland,intheend, your career. Moreover, regardless of what your bank statementsays,you’llleavealegacy,afootprintonlife,ofinsignificance.Bybuildingmeaningfulrelationships,withoutsacrificingourintegrityortreatingotherpeopleasameanstoanend,I’mconvincedwenotonlycan achieve our goals but move beyond them, personally andprofessionally. Here are the nine key traits that I’ve found help us toachieverealrelationships:

authenticityhumilityempathyconfidentialityvulnerabilitycuriosity

generosityhumorgratitude

I don’t pretend that these traits are all-encompassing, but myexperience suggests they offer a reliable filter in evaluating the tacticsandstrategiesweusetobuildrelationships.Thesetraitsrelatemoreto“whoyouare”thanto“whatyoudo.”They

aredeeplypersonal.That’sbecausewhoyouareisfarmoreimportantinbuildingrelationshipsthanwhatyoudo.Thethingswe“do”inreachingout to others typically flow out of our inner character. Our actionsreflectourcharacter.Ifwedon’texaminethequalitiesofourcharacter,we’re likeayachtownerwhoonlycares for thepartof theboat that’sabovethewaterline,whilelettingthehullrotawayfrombelow.Soonerorlater,ifthehullisuntended,thebest-lookingboatintheharborwillbecomeworthlessandsink.That’snottosaywhatwedoisn’timportant.Indeed,wehavetotake

specificactionstomovearelationshipfromtheFirstFloortotheSecondor Third. Many people—regardless of their motives or character—strugglewhenitcomesto figuringouthowtoreachout topeopleanddevelopmeaningful relationships.They feel a strong inwardpull todosomething,buttheydon’tknowwhattodoorhowtodoit.Thetrickistocombinethetwo—whoyouareandwhatyoudo—into

apowerfulapproachthatnotonlyexpandsyournetwork,butgivesthatnetwork,regardlessofitssize,realmeaning.Afterall,it’snotjustwhoyouknow.

RelationShifter

Allrelationshipsfallsomewherewithinthefive-floorstructure.Thegoalistodeveloptheabilitytobuildrelationshipsatallfivelevels.Thatmeansdevelopingthetraitsthatdefine“whoweare,”aswellasidentifyingandpracticingtheactionsweneedtotake.

THEFIVEFLOORSOFRELATIONSHIPS*

RelationshipLevels

Markedby Examples

FirstFloorRelationships

Transactionalinnature—peoplewhodothingsforyoubecauseitistheirjob.Interactionsarebasedonfulfillinganeed.

Clerks,serviceemployees,peoplewhohelpnotbecauseoftheirrelationshipwithyou,butbecauseofthenatureoftheirpositionorjob.

SecondFloorRelationships

Sharingsomepersonalinformation,facts.Conversationstypicallystartwithnews,sports,andweather,andseldommovebeyondthesuperficialortopical.Atwork,suchrelationshipsarebasedonpositionalauthority.

Casualrelationshipsandacquaintances,mostboss-employeerelationships;peersinunrelateddepartments,peopleyouencounteratpartiesorfunctionswhomyouknowcasually,butwithwhomyouaren’ttrulyfriends.

ThirdFloorRelationships

Sharingopinions,learningtodealwithconflict.Forthemostpart,however,suchrelationshipsarerelativelysuperficial,andkeptatarm’slength.

Peerswhointeractregularlytoreachcommongoals.Youknowsomedetailsabouttheirpersonallivesandprofessionalhopesanddreams,butarenotaskedorinvitedtogiveadviceorfeedback.

FourthFloorRelationships

Sharingemotionsandfeelings;abilitytoworkthroughconflict;willingnessattimestoputtheotherperson’sneedsaheadofyourown.Conversationsconsistentlymovebeyondnews,sports,andweather.

Mentor,goodfriends,closecolleagues,peopleyoucareaboutinyourjob,industry,orcommunity.

Penthouse(FifthFloor)Relationships

Sharedvalues,highlevelofopenness,candor,andvulnerability;focusingontheotherperson’sneeds.

Yourclosestandmostintimaterelationships.

* This model is retrofitted from the five levels of communication commonly studied incommunicationstheory.

I

Chapter5

WhatYouDo

hadnothingagainstDenverwhenImovedherein1999asdirectorofcorporateaffiliatesforUpwithPeople.ButIhaveaconfession:Iarrivedwithnoparticularpassionforgettingtoknowthecityorher

people. Denverwas just a temporary stop on a journey back home toNewYork.IhadtraveledwithUpwithPeopleasacastmemberpriortocollege,

andIhadworkedasatravelingstaffmemberaftergraduatingfromEastCarolina University. After stints of teaching English in Japan andworkingonapoliticalcampaign,earninganMBA,andworkinginsalesforIBMLotus,IreturnedtoUpwithPeopleinasenior-levelposition.MyjobgavemeanopportunitytoworkwithCEOBillLively,oneof

themost influentialandsuccessful fund-raisers in theworld.Butwhenmy one-year appointment was over, I expected to move back to NewYorkandstartabusinessoranonprofitandperhapseventuallygointopolitics.I found a place to live in northDenver close to theUpwithPeople

headquarters, and I immersed myself in my work. My primaryresponsibility was raising financial support within the Denvercommunity. Imetwith high-profile business leaders, including severalwhowereontheUpwithPeopleboard.ButinitiallyImadelittleefforttoengagethecommunityorexpandmycircleofacquaintances.Fortunately,thatlimitedviewdidn’tlast.Sixmonthslater,BillLivelyresignedaspresidentandCEOofUpwith

People.Lively’sdeparturebolsteredmydecisiontoleaveUpwithPeopleafterthatfirstyear.IhadtakenthejobbecauseIlovedtheorganization,as well as to study at Lively’s feet. And as much as I loved UpWithPeople’smission,Icouldseetheinternalconflictsthathadhamstrungitsboard and leadership teams. I wasn’t surprised in late 2000when the

organizationshutdownforseveralyears,toregainitsbearings.IcontinuedworkinghardonbehalfofUpwithPeople,butIdecidednot to extendmy contract. I starteddreamingabout thenextphaseofmy life. For the first time, however, I began to toy with the idea ofcallingDenverhome.My move from north Denver to a downtown loft jump-started myengagementwith theDenver community. I joinedanathletic clubandtheDenverRotaryClub,andIstartedmakingfriendsoutsideofUpwithPeople.ThemoreIgottoknowDenver,andColorado,themoreIlikedit.A couple of months before my contract ended, I began puttingtogetherabusinessplanforLeader’sChallenge,anonprofit thatwouldprovidealeadershipprograminhighschools.Ishowedtheplantomyfriendstogettheirinputandadvice,tellingthemthatIplannedtomovebacktoNewYorktolaunchtheprogram.Severalcamebacktomewiththesameresponse:Whydon’tyoulaunchithereinDenver?SoIdid.Whythesuddenchange inplans? I’dgrownto love theclimate,andthemixofbig-cityamenitiesandsurroundingnaturalbeauty.Butmostof all, I loved the people. I now have dozens of close friends in andaroundDenver.It’swhereImetmywife.Today,weinAmericaliveinatransientculture.There’satemptationtoavoidputtingdownroots,aswecontemplatethenextmove.Oneofmy biggest regrets is that I didn’t start investing more of myself inDenver from the day I arrived. How many relationships andopportunitiestoservedidImissbecauseIarrivedwithoneeyeonmyjobandtheotheronNewYork?Andthefactis,evenifIhadmoved,Ineverwouldhaveregrettedbuildingmorerelationships.OnceIrealizedIwasstayinginDenver,myrelationshipmotorkickedinto high gear. Frankly, the key relationships I had built through UpwithPeopleandthe fact that Iwas launchinganonprofitcombinedtogivemeanadvantageinexpandingmynetworkofrelationships.Butthefactiseachofushasadvantagesofonetypeoranother;wejusthavetoidentify them, and draw on them. The lessons I learned, and theapproachesIused,canbeadaptedtoanynumberofcircumstances.

IknewthreepeopleoutsideofworkwhenImovedtoColorado,andone of those was my sister. How did I turn three relationships intoseveralthousand?Inone sense, I believe it all comesback to the traits thatmakeyouwhoyouare. I’ll comeback to those traits shortly,because ifyou losesightof them,you’renevergoing to change theworld,nomatterhowbig you grow your network or your bank account. But there are alsopracticalactionsyoucantaketoexpandyournetworkofrelationships.TherearelessonsIbelieveallofuscandrawupon,specifictacticsandstrategies that will help you expand your network of relationships,whether you are a shy person or an extrovert, whether you want tocreate a circle of five close friends, or a social community of fivethousand.And if you combine themwith the traits that I’ll talk aboutlater, you can exponentially expand your influence and change theworld.

M

Chapter6

Don’tShoottheMoose

orethan2.5millionpeopleliveinthegreaterDenverarea.It’shometoalltheglass,steel,andconcreteyou’dexpectfromametropolitan region of that size. But the heart and soul of

Denverisn’tinitsskyscrapersortollroadsorshoppingmalls;it’sintheland—the nearby Rocky Mountains and the region’s wide-open highplains.People first began settling along the confluence of the South Platte

RiverandCherryCreekinthelate1850sandearly1860s,mostlytolookfor gold around Pike’s Peak or to start a new life along the Westernfrontier. Many people stayed, and more came. Homes becameneighborhoodsthatexpandedoutintosuburbs.Businessesandindustrytookrootandthrived.Theartsarrived.Professionalsportscamein.AndDenverwentfromacozysettlementtoabustlingtowntoalivelycitytoavibrantmetropolisthatservesasthehubofaregion.Denverexperiencedallthetypicalgrowingpains.Butithasneverlost

its Western charm and personality; it has never tried to become afinancial or media center like New York, or a cosmopolitan touristdestination likeSanFrancisco,or thecenterof themovie industry likeLosAngeles.Allarewonderfulcities,buttheyjustaren’tDenver.When I decided to stay in Denver, I knew I needed to meet more

people in town, especially if I was going to become a successfulentrepreneur.ButasIbegantoreachouttoothers,themostimportantdecision Imadewas to takeacue fromDenver itself: I learnedtostaytruetomyself.IwasakidfromsuburbanNewYork.IknewnothingabouttheWild

West. I’dneverownedapairof cowboybootsorwornabolo tieoracowboyhat.Tomakethisnewlifework,didIneedtoreinventmyself?DidIneedtocreateaTommySpaulding2.0?DidIneedtothrowmyself

at theRockyMountains, takingup fly fishing,mountain climbing, andelkhunting?Now, trying new hobbies and experiences is a great way to expandyournetworkofpeople.Discoveringourinterestinsomethingweneverknewexistedcanopenusup toanentirelynewcircleof friends,bothpersonalandprofessional.It’s important to rememberwho you are, however, and never try tofakeaninterestinthingsjusttotrytomeetpeopleyouthinkmightbevaluable to your career. It’s a lesson I learned firsthand at the mostunlikelyofplaces:ahuntereducationcourse.Blanton Belk, the founder ofUpwith People, introducedme to twopeople when I first moved to Denver, and both became close friends.Onewas JohnGart.His family foundedGartBrothers SportingGoods,whichgrewtobecomethesecond-largestsportinggoodsretailer inthecountry. The other was Tate McCoy, executive vice president of aninsurancecompany.John and Tate were about my age. They were also independent,successful, smart, andvery talented.Although theycame fromwell-offfamilies,theyworkedhardtomaketheirownwaysintheworld.Theyweregreatguys,andimportantpeopleformetoknow,bothpersonallyandprofessionally.Tatelovesduckhuntingandgoesjustabouteverychancehegets.SoTate suggested that I take up duck hunting. I could join him and hisfriendsontheiroutings,andmeetsomeoftheinfluentialleadersintheDenver area. A large number of the business and political leaders inColoradolovetohuntandfly-fish—it’soneofDenver’sgreatattractions—and they often spend their free time together on the weekends inremotemountaincabins,oratahuntingclub,fishingorhuntingduringthe day, and hanging out in the evenings by awarm fire. It’s a greatopportunitytogettoknowpeoplebeyondthetypicalnews,sports,andweatherconversationofpartiesandwatercoolers.SoIdecidedIwouldtakeuphunting.Todothat,Ifirsthadtogetahunting license. And to get a hunting license in Colorado, one has tocompleteanall-dayhuntingeducationcourse.MyonlyexperiencefiringaweaponcameasateenagerwhenIwasearningtherifle-shootingmerit

badgeasaBoyScout.Ihadnevershotatalivetargetbefore.Andbytheendof thatdaylongclass, IknewIhadnointerest inshootinganimalswithagun.Itjustwasn’tinmynature.SoIfinishedtheclassandgotmycertificate,butIneverwenthunting.AlthoughIwasinvitedmanytimes,Iwouldalwayspolitelydecline—itjustwasn’tme.AndifIhadtriedtofakeittomeetsomeofthemoversand shakers I desperately wanted to meet, I’m convinced it wouldn’thaveworked; theywould have seen throughmy insincere efforts in aheartbeat.Mypoint?Youhavetobetruetoyourself.Itisrulenumberone.Oneofmypassions,Irealized,wasrunning.Sowhynotusethatinreachingouttoothers?WhenIlearnedthatJohnGartwasarunner,Isuggestedthatweruntogether.Sowedid.Eventuallywetrainedtogetherforhalf-marathons.OurmorningrunsaroundWashingtonParkortheHighLineCanal were a great way to spend time together. I can’t tell you howmanyterrificconversationswehadaboutourselvesandlife.Meetingnewpeople,Iquicklyfiguredout,hadtobeginwithmakingsureIremainedtruetomyself.I’veneverbeenafraidtotrynewthings—it’soneofthegreatadventuresoflife.ButIneededtostaytruetowhoIwas.Our natural interests and passions can lead us to all sorts ofopportunitiestomeetnewpeople.Doyoulovehiking,orgolf,ortennis?The opera, or the theater? There are opportunities to join book clubs,chessclubs,cookingclubs,andgardeningclubs.Orwhynothelpoutinthecommunity?Ibelievecommunityinvolvementshouldplaysomeroleinallofourlives.Ifyouhavespecialinterestsorhobbies,youcanfindotherswhoshareit. And those interests, those passions, are great places to begin withwhenlookingtoreachouttoothers.Listen,aswell,towhatotherstellyou about their interests. If they sound appealing, don’t be shy aboutexpressing an interest and looking for ways to do things together. Goonline and do a little research about activities in your region. Takeaction.On the flip side, just because the person you want to meet lovescountry music and you don’t, that doesn’t mean you can’t develop a

relationship. Look for other interests that you share. Although I havenever been hunting with Tate McCoy, he’s one of my closest friends.TateandIlovetogotosportingeventstogether.Heservedaschairmanof the board for the Leader’s Challenge, the nonprofit I founded. Myson’snicknameisTate.Solookforthethingsyoudohaveincommon—don’tgetfixatedonthewaysinwhichyouaredifferent.

RelationShifter

Never try to fake an interest in things just to try to get close tosomeone. Build your network of relationships around sharedpassions. When your relationships are built on things you don’ttrulyenjoy,theylikelywon’tlastforlong.

E

Chapter7

DoYourHomework

very successful business venture, from a one-time project for adepartment of amega-corporation to launching an entirely newcompany, involves planning. Youwouldn’t start amarketing or

creativeprojectwithoutplanningitoutfirst.Acompanywouldn’tstartanewproduct linewithout thinking it throughandmapping itout.Youwouldnever createanewbusiness strategywithoutweighing theprosandcons,andironingoutthedetails.The same is true about reaching out to new people to expand your

communityofcontacts.Formostofus,thewaywemeetnewpeopleandbuildmeaningful relationships relies on serendipity—it is simply a by-productofourdailyinteractionswithcolleagues,customers,clients,andvendors. It is the Law of Random Relationships in action. To makefriends through such casual contacts, all we need to do is develop anattitudeof openness toward theunexpected, approaching everypersonwe encounterwith an awareness of the hidden potential to develop arelationship.Butwe shouldn’t leaveall relationships to chance. Ifweknow there

arecertainpeopleorgroupswewanttomeet,reachoutto,andgettoknow,weneedtobeproactive;weneedtoplanspecificapproachestohelpbringthemintoourworld.Whywaitforthemountaintocometous,whenwecangotothemountain?AstheRomanphilosopherSenecaput it, “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”That’snotbeingmanipulative—that’sbeingpurposeful.In other words, to meet the kinds of people you’d like to become

friendswith,orvaluedassociates,youneedtodoyourhomework.Now,my academic record was hardly stellar, but one thing my dyslexiapushedme todowas todevelopa strongwork ethic.Because I didn’treadorwritesowell,Iinvestedalotoftimeidentifyingandmemorizing

importantdetails,words,andspeeches. Ioverpreparedforeverything Idid,becauseIhadtoifIwantedtosucceed.IusethesameapproachinreachingouttootherstocreatetherelationshipsIwantinmylife.WheneverIstartanewproject,beginanewjob,orpreparetolaunchanewinitiative,oneofthefirstthingsIdoistomakelistsofthepeopleIthinkIneedtoknow.Idon’tjustfocusonthepeoplewhocan“help”me,but thepeople I canhelp,aswell.Oneof thekeys toestablishingstrongrelationships,Ifeel,istothinkaboutwhatwecandotohelpeachother.Itrytoimaginewhatsuccessforbothofuswouldlooklike.How do I know which people to reach out to? I ask others on myteam,Itakecolleaguesinthesameindustryorsectorouttolunchandask them who they think I should know. I invite others to help meidentifythepeoplewhocanhelpme,andwhoIcanhelp.AndIsuggestpeopleIthinktheyshouldknow,inreturn.Anotherwaytofindoutwhomyoushouldconsiderreachingouttoistoreadindustrypublicationsorjournals.Gototherelevantwebsitesandblogs.Contactindustryorganizations.Payattentiontotheworldaroundyou.When I was starting Leader’s Challenge, I needed to developrelationshipswithkeypeopleinthecommunitywhowereinapositiontoadvancethevisionIhadfortheorganization.Thatincludedreachingout to donors. But therewere thousands of people in Denverwealthyenoughtodonatemoneytomycause. Ineededtobemoretargetedinmy approach. So I identified the peoplewho shared a passion for themission of Leader’s Challenge. In other words, people who valuededucation, leadership, investinginyouth,service,andbridgingculturalgaps.Ineededtodevelopacircleofkeyadvisers—peoplewhocouldtellmewhat I didn’t already know about starting and running a nonprofitorganizationorwhocouldhelpmestructuretheorganizationsothatitwould most effectively serve high school students. Because theorganization’s goal was to build a local leadership program for highschool students, I knew I also needed to develop strong relationshipswithDenverareaparents,teachers,principals,andsuperintendents.SoIbegancreatinglists.Istartedbyresearchingthetoponehundred

companies and top one hundred nonprofit organizations in Colorado.Youcanfindthistypeofinformationonline,aswellasbyaskingpeoplewhohavelivedandworkedintheregionorcommunitylongerthanyouhave.Most cities of any size have a business journal that collects andreportsthistypeofdata.The information I gathered about the mission statements of thoseorganizations,andthepeoplewholedthem,provedinvaluable.First,itgot me started on another list—the “fifty most influential people inDenver.”ImadeitapointtolearnasmuchasIcouldaboutthepeopleon this list,and then findways tomeeteachof them inperson.Why?Because thesewere the peoplewho had the resources and contacts tohelpme launch a nonprofit. All were potential donors, of course, buttheywere also the peoplewhose opinions and decisions helped shapetheopinionsanddecisionsofeveryoneelseinlocalgovernmentandthecommunity. Theywere influencers and tended to know a lot of otherpeopletowardwhomtheycouldpointme.I printed this list and kept it with me. Whenever I discovered thatsomeone I knew knew someone onmy list, I would ask their help inintroducingme. And as Imet some of these people, Iwould ask theirhelp in meeting one or two others on my list. Most of the time, thepersonIhadmetwouldmakeacallformetoencouragethenextpersonto takemy call.Other times shewould givemepermission tousehername in reachingout to someone Ididn’t know—“So-and-so suggestedthat I get in touch with you about a program I am creating.” Eachrelationship became a link to reaching out to others to launch newrelationships.Ofcourse,IreachouttoothersdifferentlyinpitchingthemessageofanonprofitthanIdoabusinessventurethatisforafor-profitcompany.Icanaskformorehelpwithanonprofit,becausethe“cause”isn’tme—it’shelpingothers.So,whilecomingupwith lists is important,youdohave to recognizewhen andwhennot to use them. If you’re selling aproduct or service, you want to be very careful not to abuse yourrelationshipwithonepersoninanattempttobuildanother.(I’lldiscussthisinchapter12.)In addition to researching companies, organizations, and communityleaders with influence, I made a list of the top charity fund-raising

eventsaroundthestate.Attendingthoseeventsgivesmeanopportunityto meet more of the people on my lists. Look for events in yourprofession or industry you can go to. You can find much of thisinformationonline,aswellasinbusinessjournalsandbyaskingothers.Doingmyhomeworkdidn’tjusthelpmeidentifythepeopleIneeded

mosttomeet—italsohelpedmeinbuildingtherelationshipsIhopedtoestablish.WhenIidentifiedapersonwhoIfeltmightsharemyinterestsand values, I tried to learn asmuch about the person as possible: hercompany, her career accomplishments, the boards she served on, herhobbies, her family and her friends, where she went to college, herchurch, andwhat she saidwhen she gave a speech recently to a localcivic organization. I wanted to know everything I could to help meestablisharelationshipwithher.Butisn’tthatmanipulative?Why?IfIknowI’minterestedinbringing

theotherpersonintomycircleoffriendsorprofessionalcontacts,whynotknowasmuchaspossibleabouttheotherpersoninadvance,tofindout the things we have in common? As long as your purpose ishonorable—you’renotouttoundercutorusetheotherperson—whynotspend some time looking for ways to connect, rather than gropingaround blindly when your initial approachmight be a fleeting one? Iwantthechancetoshowtheotherpersonhowourinterestsalign.HowcantheydecidewhetherornotIamapersontheyshouldbeinterestedin investing timewith, if theyaren’taffordedachance toget toknowme?That homework also helps me find ways to meet other people. If I

know Iwant tomeet the president of theDenver School Board, and IknowsheservesonanotherboardwithsomeoneIknow,Imightaskmyfriend to introduce us, and put in a good word for me. Once I amintroduced,of course, it isup tome to try tobuilda relationship.Butknowing something about the person usually helps me in initiating aconversation.Afterinitialsmalltalk,Iamabletomovequicklytotopicsofmutualinterest.Inotherwords,itallowsmetoacceleratetheprocessof creating a relationship, and possibly help both of us to discovermutualinterests,andwayswecanhelpeachother.JaredPolis,forexample,wasonmyinitiallistofpeoplethatIwanted

to meet in the Denver area to talk about Leader’s Challenge. As a

nineteen-year-old student at Princeton, Jared cofounded an Internetcompany, American Information Systems. He then helped turn hisparents’Boulder-basedgreetingcardcompany,BlueMountainArts,intoa multimillion-dollar online sensation by cofoundingbluemountainarts.com. He later founded, grew, and then soldProFlowers.com.When Imet Jared in early2001,hewasonly twenty-five years old,buthehadalreadybeennamedanErnstandYoungEntrepreneuroftheYear,andlistedasoneofthetoptenyoungentrepreneursinthecountrybySuccessmagazine.Jared’s business successmade him a potential donor, of course, butthat’snotwhy Iwanted tomeethim.Hehitmyradarbecausehehadjustbeenelectedtothestateboardofeducation,andbecausehisprivatefoundation listed “educational opportunities” as one of its strategicinitiatives. In otherwords, Jaredwas passionate about helping kids inschoolgetabettereducation.IcombedthroughmyRolodexuntilIfoundsomeoneIknewwellwhoalsoknewJared.Ratherthanusingmyfriend’snameasacallingcard,Iactually got my friend to call Jared and recommend that having ameeting with me would be worth his time. Then I called Jared’sassistant, and she set up a time for us to have lunch at Strings, awonderful Denver restaurant whose owner had agreed to give mecomplimentarymealswhenIwasthereonLeader’sChallengebusiness.While I had done enough homework to identify Jared as someone Ineeded to know, I did even more research on him and his interestsbeforewewenttolunch.Asaresult,whenwesatdownthatfirsttime,Ididn’t start off with general, information-gathering questions like “So,Jared, tell me about yourself.” We didn’t begin with NSW. Instead, Iaskedhiminformedquestionsaboutwhatitwaslikegrowingupwithanartist father and a poet mother, and about what life was like atPrinceton. I asked him what challenges he faced starting up his owncompany,andabouthisideasonreformingeducation.Inotherwords,IshowedIwasinterestedenoughinhimtohavefoundoutalittleabouthimbeforeourmeeting,anditallowedourconversationtoadvancefarmorerapidly.

Wewereverydifferentpoliticallyinmanyregards,butIalsoknewwehad like-minded interests, especially when it came to improvingeducation.Ourfirstlunchledtoanother.Sixmonthslaterheinvitedmeto Washington, D.C., to meet some of his political friends. Heencouragedme to changeparty affiliationand run for office. (Jared isnowaDemocraticU.S.congressman.)Asitturnedout,ourtriptoWashingtonwasscheduledforSeptember

11,2001.Wetookared-eye fromDenver, landingatDullesAirportat8:00a.m.,justanhourbeforetheterroristattacks.Themeetingwehadsetupwasabruptlycanceled.Aswordspreadoftheattacks,theairports,trainstations,andbusstationsallshutdown,andtherewerenorentalcarsavailable.Wewerestranded,withnowayhome.SowetookataxitoaForddealership,whereJaredboughtacarsowecoulddrivebacktoColorado.(Travelingwithamultimillionairecanhaveitsperks.)Driving across the country together in the wake of such a searing

tragedygaveusatonoftimetotalkfurtheranddeepenourrelationship.Wedebatedideas,sharedstories,andtalkedabouttheexperiencesthathad shaped our lives.Andwe encouraged each other.We foundmoreandmorecommonground.Wetalkedaboutthethingsinlifethatwereimportanttoeachofus.IthelpedustotakeourrelationshipbeyondtheSecondandThirdfloors.ButnoneofthatwouldhavehappenedifIhadn’tdonemyhomework

first. Is that manipulative? I would argue if you truly want to meetsomeoneyou thinkhas thepotential tobecomean important figure inyourlife,whywouldyounotwanttodoalittlelegworktopreparetheground?Isee itasacompliment to takethetimeand learnsomethingaboutpeoplebeforeyouspendtimewiththem.TodayIhavelesshomeworktodobeforereachingouttonewpeople.

Butthatkindofpreparation,thatkindofhomework,neverreallystops.AstheEagleScoutinmewouldsay,youalwayswanttobeprepared.Wecan’tbuildcloserelationshipswitheveryoneweknow.Butdoing

ourhomeworkcanhelpustofigureoutwhereweshouldbestinvestourtime and energy. My homework, for instance, almost always includessomethingIcallthe“BlackBerryScroll.”PulloutyourBlackBerry(orwhateverPDAorotherdeviceyouuseto

manage your contacts). Scroll through the list of people you know.What’s your immediate reaction to each name you encounter? Is thatpersona“giver” inyour life,ora“taker”?Howaboutyou?Areyouagiver in that person’s life, or a taker?Onwhat floorwould you placeeachrelationship?DoyouhavefartoomanyNSWrelationships?Whichofthoserelationshipswouldyouliketomoveuptothenextlevel?Thissimpleexercisecanbeaneye-openerintermsofwhereyoustand

in your relationships. Print out your contact list; spend an hour goingoverit,markingeachnamewithaGfor“giver”oraTfor“taker,”andanumbertorepresentwhatflooryourrelationshipison.Markitwithan“up” arrow if you think the relationship has potential for growth orimprovement. Later, you can simply scroll through your list whilewaitingonaflight,orduringthetimeyouhaveforpersonalreflection.Thepointisn’ttorateorjudgethepeopleinyourlife,buttohonestly

assessyourrelationshipswiththem.Itisawindowintoyourlife.WhenIpracticethisexercise,IlearnfarmoreaboutmyselfandthingsIneedtoimprovethanIlearnaboutthepeopleonthelist.ButIalsofinishwithaclearerfocusontherelationshipsinmylifethathavethemostpotentialformutualgrowth.

RelationShifter

You can and should be intentional and strategic about buildingrelationships, and that starts with doing research that helps youdecide where to focus your time and energy. Proactivelyresearching potential relationships helps you identify the peopleyou most need to know, make introductions, and launch thoserelationshipsinapositiveway.

B

Chapter8

BreakingtheIce…andStirringItUp

ob Barbour and I met in Greenville, North Carolina, whilewatchingacollegefootballgame.GarryDudley,mybest friend fromcollege,had invitedme to

tailgatewith him and some friends before an East CarolinaUniversitygame.BobandhisfamilywereamongthegroupwhohadgatheredwithGarry for the pre-game meal in the parking lot at Dowdy-FicklenStadium.Bob is a humble leader who built eight successful car dealerships

acrosseasternNorthCarolina.He’snotthesortofmanwhoimmediatelyopensupwiththedetailsofhis life,butIknewIwantedtoknowhimbetter.IwantedtoseeifheandImightbuildarelationshipthatcouldlastmuch,muchlongerthanthefootballgame.HowdidIknowthat?Forstarters,Bobwasononeofmylists.Atthe

time,Iwasthe“leader-in-residence”forEastCarolinaUniversity.That’sa fancy title for a consultant hired to help the university launch acampus-wideleadershipinitiative.Thatyear,Ispentaweekeachmonthon campus, which is why I happened to be in town for the footballgame.Asapartofmyduties,Imadeitmyjobtoknowasmanyleaderson campus and throughout the community as possible. By everymeasure,Bobwasoneofthoseleaders—asuccessfulbusinessmanwithareputationforintegrityandservicetoothers.Ididn’tapproachhimwithanyspecificagenda;hejustseemedlikea

guy ECU’s leader-in-residence should know. But I was confident therewerewayshecouldhelpECU,andwaysECUcouldhelphim.Theonlywaytofindoutwastogettoknowhim.Ididn’tknowinadvancethathewas one of the friendsGarry had invited to the tailgate party thatSaturday.ButIwasthrilledwhenhewasintroducedtome.Itgavemeaperfectopportunitytomakeaconnectionwithhim.

But how do you do it, youmight ask. For many people, of course,thereinliesthebig,brickwallwithnoobviousdoorsorwindows.Asonefriendputit,“Whatdoyousaytobreaktheicewithsomeoneyou’dliketomeet?”The answer is simple, if perhaps a bit unexpected: news, sports,weather.YoumaythinkIseenovalueinNSWrelationships.Theyareshallow.TheyareconfinedtotheFirstorSecondfloorsofrelationships.Wewanttomovemostofourrelationshipsbeyondthat,right?Trueenough.Butthere’svalueinNSWconversationsexactlybecausetheybelongontheFirstandSecondfloors.Afterall,thatiswheremostrelationshipsbegin!Small talk—the essence of NSW relationships—is an importantemotionalglueinbringingpeopletogether,andcreatingcommonbonds.It’s like stretching before aworkout. If you don’t stretch, you’ll pull amuscle.But if all youdo is stretch for thirtyminutes, you’ll never getmuchofaworkoutin.Eventuallyyouhavetogetyourheartratehigher.Every relationship is different. Some relationships require morestretching than others. Some people are able to move quickly intodeeper-level conversations. Others prefer tomovemore slowly. How IstartaconversationwithsomeonedependslargelyonwhatIknowaboutthe other person and the vibe I pick up from him about how fast hewantstomovethingsalong.WhenImeetsomeoneforthefirsttime,Iintroducemyselfandtellherhonestly that I’mhonored tomeether.Then Ialways try to startwithcompliments. It’sabeautifulday…You live inawonderfulcity…Imetyour son earlier.Youmust be extremely proud of theman he’s become…Thoseareamazingshoes.Mywifehasapairjustlikethem…Toknowwhattocompliment,ofcourse,Ipayattentiontothedetailsofourexchange.MyhopeisthatsuchcomplimentswillleadtonaturalquestionsIwouldliketoaskthepersonI’mmeeting.Doyouspendalotof time outdoors?What’s your favorite thing about living here?When didyoursonrealizehewantedtostudybiology?Whatisyourfavoriteshoestoreinthearea?ThequestionsIask—andthecomplimentsIgive—reflectapartofme

while demonstrating my interest in the other person and his or herworld.I’velearnedalongthewaythatwhatIdon’taskcanbeasimportantaswhat I doask. InAustralia, I discovered thatpeople almostnever talkabouttheircareersorvocations.TwoguyscansitatabarsharingdrinksforhoursandneverrealizeoneistheCEOofahugecorporationandtheother works in construction. In America, successful people are oftendefinedtoonarrowlybytheirjobsorfor“something”they’vedone—thesingerforhermusic,thepreacherforhischurch,theumpireforhiscallsin the World Series, the manager for the department she leads, thesurgeon forhismedicalexpertise.Those thingsarerealand important,but most people enjoy talking about “something else”—just aboutanythingotherthanthethingsthat“everybody”asksthem.WhenImeetsomeone for the first time, I often intentionally avoid the very thing Ithinktheygetaskedaboutthemost—andask,instead,aboutthem.Ihaddonemyhomework;BobwasoneofthetopbusinessleadersinGreenville.Butwe’djustmet.Hewastherewithhisfamilyandfriends,enjoyingtimetogetherandthinkingabouttheupcomingfootballgame.Hedidn’tknowme.IfIhadstartedoutaskinghimquestionsabouthisbusinesssuccess,Isuspecthewouldhaverunforcover!IknowIwouldhave.So I let our relationship start with some stretching—some NSWconversation aswe all stood around the tailgate of the car before thekickoff of an afternoon college football game. Frankly, I don’t reallyremembermuchaboutwhatItoldhim.ButIrememberthinkingthatIwantedachancetolearnmoreabouthim.Sometimesa secondmeetingcomesweeksormonthsafteran initialmeeting,anditmayrequireconsiderableintentionalfollow-up,aswe’lldiscussinchapter14.Atthetime,IfiguredIwouldcallhimorsendhima letter and try to set up lunchwith him the nextmonthwhen Iwasbackintown.Asitturnedout,however,anopportunityaroselaterthatsameevening.Whenthegameended,Bobinvitedusalltohishousefordinner.Bob has a beautiful home and a generous, welcoming family. Theymademe feel right at home from themoment Iwalked in.We all sat

aroundinside,talkingaboutlocalpoliticsandpeopleinthecommunityasBobpreparedburgersandcarriedthemouttothegrillonhisdeck.Itseemed like the perfect time to get to knowBob better. So,while theothersstayedinside,IslippedouttotalkwithBob.“I’ve heard a lot about you from Garry,” I said. “He’s toldme that

you’vedonealotforthecommunity.”Itwas thesortof icebreaker thathonors twopeople,bothmyfriend

GarryandBob.ButIwouldn’thavebroughtitupifitweren’ttrue.Bob responded with the expected reaction. He was friendly yet

humble. While I think he appreciated the compliment, Bob remainedmodest and unassuming. But it did set the tone for a question thatalmostalwaysgetspeopletotalkaboutthemselves.“DoyoumindifIaskyouapersonalquestion?”If I had asked that at the tailgate party, I suspect Bob would have

givenme an awkward look and said, “Well, I probably domind.” Butseveralhourslater,intherelaxedcomfortofhishome,thequestionwasfar more appropriate. He had to wonder what kind of “personal”questionImightask,butbythenhetrustedmeenoughtofindout.Now, I couldhaveblown it right there.Heagreed to letmeask the

question, but, like anyone, he was listening cautiously before actuallyansweringit.Myfirst“personal”questionstosomeonearen’tusuallythatpersonal.

Ijustwanttomovetheconversationgraduallyinapersonaldirection.Inthiscase,everythingI’dlearnedaboutBobfromGarryandmyresearchhad ledme to believe thatBobwasn’t bornwith a silver spoon inhismouthandaprivatejet.Hewasaself-mademan.SoIaskedhowhe’dended up in Greenville, and gotten into the car business. It wasn’t aninvasive personal question, but it invited him to take a step beyondstrictly business; it gave him an opportunity to share something abouthimself, ifhewasopento lettingmeknowmoreabouthim.But it leftthenextstepuptohim.Hetoldmealittleofhisbackground.Iaskedifhisfatherhadbeenin

the car business.No, he said, hewas twelvewhenhis father died.Hewastheyoungestofthreechildren,andthefamilyhadverylittlemoney.

“That must have been hard,” I said. “What was it like growing upwithoutyourfather?”Laterwetalkedaboutthedeathofhisson,Robbie,whowaskilledinacaraccidentatseventeen,andBobgracefullysharedhowhestruggledwiththegriefofthatloss.Youcanseewhere thiswasheading. Iwasn’tpushing toohard,andwe were establishing some trust. I wasn’t focusing on what he hadearnedinlife—thebeautifulhome,thecardealerships,theniceboat.Iwasinterestedinhimasaperson.Andhewasinvitingmetopeelbackthelayersofhislife.What I expressed was a genuine desire to learn a little more abouthim.Ihavearelativewhotendstojumprightinwithprobingpersonalquestionsbeforeshe’sgottentoknowsomeoneorwithoutanysenseofwhat’s appropriate to ask. And I’ve seen more than one personemotionally shy away. They’re just not ready to make themselves soemotionallyavailabletoher.I think Bob sensed that I was genuinely interested in him partlybecauseIwasopenandvulnerableaboutmylifeandmyupsanddownsas I listened to him share about his. I stayed at Bob’s housewell pastmidnight,learningabouthowBobstartedmowinglawnstomakemoneyafterhisfatherdied,andhowhedroppedoutofschoolatsixteentohelpfeed his family. He worked from 7:00 a.m. until 9:00 p.m. MondaythroughSaturdayata localgrocery tomakeendsmeet.EachSaturdayeveningMr.Spence,theowner,handedhimanenvelopewithhispay—$33.10,incash.Imagine the sense of pride he experienced years laterwhenhe tookownershipofhisfirstcarlotandwalkedhismotherontothelotandtoldher,ingratitudeforallshe’ddoneforhim,“Picktheoneyouwant.”Bob struggles to read and write; like me, as it turns out, he hasdyslexia.Nonetheless,hebecameoneofthemostsuccessfulcardealersin North Carolina. As you can see, how he got there is far moreinterestingthanwhereheendedup.Peopletodayoftenseehimforwhathehas,ratherthanforwhoheis.Andthey’remissingoutonthebestofBobBarbour.IreturnedtoGreenvilleseveraltimesoverthenexteightmonths,and

eachtimeIgottogetheragainwithBob.OnmylastvisitaspartofmycontractwithECU,Bobinvitedmetobreakfast.Hesaid,“Tommy,thereareveryfewpeoplewhoknowmelikeyoudo.I’veneveropeneduptoafriendasmuchasIhaveopeneduptoyou.”Wenolongerhadtostretch—nomorenews,sports,andweather;we

hadbecomefriends.Ourrelationship,Iknew,wouldoutlastalifetimeoffootballgames.

RelationShifter

Before diving too quickly into potentially sensitive personalquestions, first develop a rapport. Do some “relationshipstretching.” Get to know the other person by asking simple, non-intrusivequestions.Patientlyexploredeepergroundtogether.

I

Chapter9

BackoftheBusinessCard

didn’t have a business cardwhen Iwas twelve, but here’swhat itwouldhavesaidifIdid:TOMMYSPAULDING,KID.ThattellsyousomethingaboutwhoIwas.Butitdoesn’ttellyou

enoughtoknowifyou’dliketogettoknowme.Whatsortof“kid”wasI?WhatdidIlike?Whatweremyhobbies?WhatdidIdreamofdoingwithmylife?Frankly, thebusiness cards I’ve carried as an adulthaven’t provided

much more information that would help you decide if you wereinterestedinreachingouttome:

BusinessPartner/SalesManager,IBMLotusDirectorofCorporateAffiliates,UpwithPeopleFounderandPresident,Leader’sChallengeCEOandPresident,UpwithPeopleFounderandPresident,theNationalLeadershipAcademyPresident,SpauldingCompaniesLLC

Tens of thousands of relationships begin each yearwith one personhandinganotherpersonabusinesscard.Andwhataretheyexchanging?Name.Title.Organization.Contactinformation.Itdoesn’tgetmorebasicthanthat.InWesterncultures,cardsarethecurrencyofnetworkinginbusiness.

Buttheyservealimitedpurpose.Theygiveyousomethingtoenterintoyourcontactfile.Youslipthecardintoyourpocketorwalletorpurse,intending to dig it out later so you can add the information to yourcomputerized collection of names, numbers, and e-mail addresses. Or,morelikely,youintendto,butendupthrowingitoutortossingitintothebottomofadrawer,havingalreadyforgottentheperson’s faceand

distinguishingcharacteristics.InEasterncultures,abusinesscardtypicallycarriesmoresignificance.In Japan, for instance, where it’s called a meishi, it’s more than thecurrencyofnetworking—it’s thefaceof theperson.There’saritual forexchangingthecards.Whethergivingorreceivingameishi,youholdthecardwithtwohands,neverallowingyourfingerstocoverthenameorcontactinformation.Aftertheexchange,youbothbow.Butiftheotherperson is considered more important than you, you bow lower. Aftertakingthecard,youstudyit.Thelongeryoulookatit,themorerespectyou show the other person. You do not put it in your wallet or yourpocketinfrontoftheotherperson.Ifyou’reinameeting,youputitonthe tablebeforeyouuntil themeetingends. If you’reatanevent,youhold it until the person leaves. And you never write on the card. Itwouldbelikewritingontheperson’sface.At theendof theday,ofcourse, theho-humapproachofAmericans(andEuropeans)andthecherishedritualsofEasterners leaveyouwithexactlythesamething:basicinformation.If you want to build a genuine relationship, you need much, muchmore.Turn over the typical business card—in the East or the West—andhere’swhatyou’llfind:nothing.Iliketothinkofthebackofthebusinesscard,however,asthemostimportant part. It represents everything of real value that you knowabouttheotherperson(nothing),and,therefore,howmuchyouneedtolearn (everything). When I meet someone new, I immediately startworking to fill in themetaphoricalbackof thebusinesscard—whethertheyhaveanactualcardornot—withallthethingsthatreallymatter.Some of this information comes from research (see chapter 7), butmuchofitcomesfromobservationandquestions.Youcanlearnalotofinformationaboutsomeonewithouteversayingaword,justbypayingattentiontothethingsonherbookshelves,onherdesk,oronherwalls,ortothethingsshe’swearing.Evenourcarstellapieceofour story.A friendofmineused toplayagamewithhiskidswhile driving them to school. They would look at the car in front ofthemandtrytoguessasmuchastheycouldaboutthedriverbasedon

the license plate, the bumper stickers, the make and model andaccessories, and any other outward appearances. “That person’s aDemocrat who enjoys skiing, had some experience that involved a drunkdriverhurtingsomeonesheloves,andisproudofherhonorstudentchild.”Think about your home or office. How much could someone learnabout who you are simply by walking through for ten minutes andpayingattentiontothethingstheysaw?Willtheyknowwhereyouwenttoschool?Howmanykidsyouhave,andwhattheirinterestsare?Whatwillthestateofyourworkspacetellthem?Whatwedon’t learn fromhomeworkorbyobservation,we learnbyasking and listening. And the more homework and observation we’vedone, the better the questionswe ask. Before long, you’ll havemovedbeyondthesurfacelevelofarelationshipintowhat’sreallyimportantintheirlife—theirpassions,theirdreams,theirchallenges,theirgoals,thepeopleintheirlivesthattheycareabout,thethingsthatbringthemjoyandfulfillment.When I thinkof thepeople I know, I seldom thinkof their businesscard;Ithinkoftheirback-of-the-business-cardinformation.Mariner Kemper’s business card might tell me he’s the chairman ofUMB Bank in Denver, but the back of his card tells me about hisdevotiontothearts.Business guru Ken Blanchard’s business card might tell me he’s anauthorand founderofoneof the topmanagement trainingcompanies,but the back of his card tells me he’s passionate about golf, helpingothers,andstudyingtheleadershiplessonsofJesus.NoelCunninghamisarestaurantownerandrenownedchef;buthe’spassionateaboutcreatingsolutionstoendhungerinEthiopia.JerryMiddel,aretiredfounderofacorporate insuranceandbenefitscompany,lovesflyfishingandmentoringat-riskkids.ChrisMygatt,thepresidentandCOOofColdwellBankerinColorado,lovesflyingairplanes.SteveFarber,aleadershipguru,consultant,andspeaker,ispassionateaboutplayingtheelectricguitar.ThomasSpauldingSr.,myfatherandaformerEnglishteacher, loves

hischildrenandplayingthepiano.MybusinesscardmighttellyouthatI’mapublicspeaker,abusiness

consultant, a life coach, and a social entrepreneur. But on the back ofthatcard,thosewhoknowmeknowthatIlovetotravel,especiallywithmywife; that I love to volunteer; that I’m a huge Yankees fan; that Ihavethreekids;thatI’mdyslexic,andthatmystrugglestoreadhelpedturnmeintoaseriousmoviebuff;thatIloveBroadwayshows,concerts,U.S.history,andstaringforhoursatworldmaps.When you think of the people you are getting to know, take out a

piece of paper and write down the back-of-the-business-cardinformation.That’swhatreallyhelpsyoudeveloptherelationship.For instance, ifyouwanted to sendmeagift formybirthday, think

howmuchmoremeaningfulthatwouldbeifyoupickedoutsomethingconnectedwiththebackofmybusinesscard—ahistoricmapofDenver,orabaseballsignedbyoneoftheYankeesstarters,forinstance.Evenwhenyouonlyhaveafewminutes,takethetimetoaskatleast

oneprobingquestionthatyoucanputonthebackofhisbusinesscard.And by focusing on the person and not on his position, you gain thekinds of insights that will lead to a deeper, more meaningfulrelationship.

RelationShifter

New relationships start with basics, but you advance them byfocusingon the lessobviousandmorepersonal information that’snot found on a business card. Examine your relationships. Whatdon’tyouknow?Nowgoabout theenjoyableworkof findingoutthehopes,dreams,andinterestsofthepeopleinyourlife.

B

Chapter10

LeveragingPhilanthropy

uying a ticket to a charity fund-raiser in a banquet hall full ofpeopleIhadnevermetseemedlikeaperfectlygoodideathefirstthreeorfourtimesItriedit.

Many of my life experiences, but especially mywork with Up withPeople, had fedmy strongdesire for volunteeringwithnonprofits thatservedthegreatergoodofacommunity.WhenIdecidedtocallDenverhome, I saw volunteering and attending charity fund-raisers as animportantrelationship-buildingstrategy.Itallowedmetoengageinthecommunity,aswellasmeetinfluentialleaders.Denver,likemostcities,hasastrongphilanthropicculture.TheUnited

Waymovement began in Denvermore than 120 years ago. There arenowmorethantwentythousandpubliccharitiesandprivatefoundationsinColorado.CEOsandother topexecutives typicallyserveonmultipleboards, and charity events draw leaders from business, nonprofits,politics,andentertainment.Traditional networking events are highly transactional—you do this

formeandI’lldothatforyou.Everyonehassomethingtosell;everyoneis looking forsomethingelse inreturn.Peoplehandoutbusinesscardsthewayblackjackdealers tossoutplaying cards.Butbuildinggenuinerelationships requires an understanding of people’s hearts. And thepeoplewhoget involved inphilanthropiceffortsusuallydo sobecausethe cause is near and dear to their hearts. I saw volunteering andattending charity fund-raisers as smart ways to engage in thecommunity,whileestablishingrelationshipsthathadasharedvisionforhelpingothers.Volunteeringprovedtobeagreatwaytomeetmypeers.Isoughtout

organizationsthatappealedtomypassions,gavethemacall,andnevertriedtohidemymotives.“I’mnewintown,”Iwouldtellthevolunteer

coordinator.“Doyouhaveanyvolunteeropportunitiesthatwouldallowmetohelpandalsomeetotherpeoplemyage?”Ican’trememberanygroup telling me no, and I soon found myself working shoulder-to-shoulder with my peers in food banks, for homeless shelters, and onHabitat for Humanity construction projects. It was easy to talk withpeopleandgettoknowthemwhileweworkedaroundacommoncause.Some of the city’s most influential leaders volunteered for suchprojects,andImetafewofthemthatway.ButIknewthebetterplacetomeetthepeopleIneededtomeetwasatcharityfund-raiserevents.Theproblemwas thatmostpeoplego to fund-raiserswith friendsorspousesorco-workers.They’realreadyconnected. Ifyougoalone,youendupatthesingle-tickettable,seatedatthebackoftheroom.Mostofuswereonthelowerrungsoftheladderofcommunityinfluence.I could get to know the people atmy table, but those weremostlyrandom relationships. Each onehadpotential, but the roomwas filledwith people who I knew I needed to meet to further my nonprofitambitions.Movingbeyondthattablewasahugechallenge,evenforanextrovertlike me. I’d feel a knot form in my stomach as I looked at theintimidatingmassofpeopleacrosstheroomandwonderedhowIcouldbreakintothiscommunity.Still,mystrategywassound.Tomeetkeycommunityleaders,Ihadtogototheplaceswheresuchleadersgathered.Icouldn’tgetthroughthegates of golf courses and country clubs, and it’s rude to interruptsomeoneduringlunchordinneratarestaurant.Butanyonewithaticketcanattendacharityfund-raiser.However,gettinginthesameroomwiththepeopleyouwanttomeetisn’tenough.Theytendtomixwithpeopleintheirowngroups.Ifoundmyselfontheoutsidelookingin.Leveragingmyinterestinphilanthropytolaunchstrategicnewrelationshipshitthewallofreality.ThenBarryHirschfeldintroducedmetoMichaelSmith.Everycommunityhas its influencers.Most communitieshavedozensofthem;majorcitieslikeDenverhavehundreds.Thekeytomeetingandbuilding relationships with the people who can ultimately shape yourfuturestartsbybuildingarelationshipwithjustoneofthem.

Forme,thatpersonwasMichaelSmith.Michaelunlockedthedoorforme in terms of leveraging philanthropy. And ImetMichael thanks toBarryHirschfeld.Barryranaprintingcompanyfoundedmorethanahundredyearsagoby his grandfather. As the third-generation owner of what became amega-successfulfamilybusiness—atonetimeamongthelargestprintingcompaniesintheWest—BarrycarriesenormousinfluenceinDenver.BarrywasontheinternationalboardofdirectorsforUpwithPeopleduringmy year as director of corporate affiliates.When I left, hewaskind enough to invite me to be a guest in his skybox for a DenverBroncos footballgame.MichaelSmithwasalsohisguestat thatgame.Michael’s daughter Tara, a talented high school singer (who laterworkedasanactressandisnowaproducerinNewYork),performedthenationalanthembeforekickoff.Aswetalkedaboutwhatagreatjobshedid singing thatday,Michael toldme that shehadbeen “coached”bysomeofthestaffatUpwithPeople.Thatcommongroundlaunchedourrelationship,andledtoameetingat which Michael agreed to support my efforts to start Leader’sChallenge.Henotonlygavemeagenerousdonation,butalsobecameatrustedmentortome.Andoneofthefirstthingshedidwastoinvitemetoacharityfund-raiser.When Michael and I met to talk about Leader’s Challenge, I didn’tmerely ask him for money. I explained that I was still new to thecommunity, and that I’d appreciate any help he could give me inmeetingothercommunityleaders.Inotherwords, I askedhim forhelp. Iwas straightforward, sincere,andas it turnedout, thatwas thekindofpersonMichaelSmith couldrelateto.Forhispart,Michaelwasinterestedenoughinmeandmymissiontohelp me meet his circle of upper-echelon community leaders. Herecognizedthatthebestwaytodothatwastoinvitemetoafund-raiserforNationalJewishHealth,oneofthetophospitalsinthecountryandoneofhisfavoritecharities.That’swhenIrealizedwhatwasmissinginmyattemptstoreachouttoothersbyleveragingphilanthropy.Ineededanadvocate,someonethe

communityleadersknewandtrusted.Withinthefirsthalfhouratthisevent,ImetthegovernorofColorado,

themayorofDenver,andthemanagingpartnerofoneofthebiggestlawfirmsinthestate.ImetmorepeoplethatnightthanIhadmetatallthepreviousfund-raisersIhadattended,combined.At future fund-raisers, those people remembered me as Michael’s

friend. I had newfound credibility, as well as new opportunities toextend those relationships into somethingmore. In addition, inwhat IthinkofastheSnowballEffect,eachnewrelationshipledtoadditionalcontacts,opportunities,andrelationships.I stopped going to fund-raising events alone, and started going as

someone’s guest. This gave me a better way to meet new people ofinfluence,butitalsoallowedmetogotomoreeventsthanIevercouldhaveaffordedtogotoonmyown.Overthenextfiveyears—untilIgotmarried—Iattendedafund-raiser

ofonesortoranothernearlyfivenightsaweek,sometimesevenhittingseveraleventsonthesamenight.Imadealistofthe“topfifty”Denvercharityevents,andmadeitapointtoattendeachofthem.IwenttojustabouteverycharityeventIcould—theChildren’sHospitalGala,theBoyScouts Breakfast, the Children’s Diabetes Foundation’s High HopesTributeDinner,theBoysandGirlsClubGala,theRedCrossBreakfastforChampions,theVolunteersofAmericaWesternFantasyGala…SometimesIpaidformyticket.OthertimesI’djustgotothereception

(wheretheyusuallydidn’tasktoseeaticket).ButmostoftenIwentastheguestofsomeoneIhadmetatapreviousfund-raiser.Keepinmind,thiswasatimewhenIdidn’thavemuchmoney.Inthe

earlydays, Iwas thepresidentof anewandnot-yet-fundednonprofit,and my savings had dried up. Donations weren’t coming in early on,becauseLeader’sChallengehadn’tattaineditstax-exemptstatus.Isubletmyloft,parkedmycarbecauseIcouldn’taffordcarinsurance,andslepton a cot in a room above my office (until we were evicted from theoffice). Things eventually got better financially, but the first couple ofyearswereextremelytight—andexciting.WhenIsharedmyvisionofLeader’sChallengewithpotentialdonors,

manywantedtotakeawait-and-seeapproachbeforewritingacheck.So

I told them there were other ways they could help—not the least ofwhichwasbytakingmeastheirguesttoafund-raiser.Charity events usually sell blocks of tickets to major sponsors, andthoseorganizationsoftenhaveahardtimefillingtheseats.Theybuyatableforten,buttheymayhaveonlyeightpeoplewhocango.Sogivingmeatickethelpedmeandhelpedthemfilltheseatsattheirtable.EacheventhelpedmestrengthenorreaffirmrelationshipswithpeopleI had met previously, while leading to new relationships andopportunities.Regardless of who I met, I always tried to be myself. I never wasstarstruck at some of the influential, wealthy, or famous people Iwasintroducedto,andInevertriedtobesomethingIwasn’t.Itriedtofocusour conversation around our mutual passions. And I never asked thepeopleImetforanything.Ever.Mygoalwastomeetthem,notselltothem.Thisisparticularlyimportantifyouworkinafor-profitenvironment.My advantage in working for a nonprofit was that my intentionsrevolvedaroundagoodcause.Bytheirverynature,myeffortswerenotabout self-promotion. The point of this strategy is tomeet people andlaunch relationships, not to close a deal. If you create a genuinerelationship,thebusinesswillfollow.Iusuallymadetenortwentynewcontactsateachevent.AndIalwaysfollowed upwith at least a handwritten note telling themhownice itwastomeetthem.ThenexttimeI’dseethem(oftenatthenextevent),they’dthankmeforthenote,whichgavemeanaturalwaytorestartaconversation.By leveraging philanthropy, I built a reputation as someone activelyinvolved in thecommunity.And themore involved Ibecame—not justbygoingto fund-raisers,butbyvolunteeringmytimeandenergy—themoreIgottoknowthepeoplewhowereactiveleaders.BeforeIknewit,Iwas sittingon fiveor sixboards, andhadapeer-to-peer relationshipwithmanyoftheinfluentialleadersinthecommunity.The result was that I engaged my community in ways that helpedothers and I eventually built momentum for building dozens of keyrelationships.

Leveraging philanthropy, however, isn’t just about one personexpandinghisnetwork.Itcanbecomethefocusofentireorganizations.Theold-schoolcorporatemodelforengagingcommunitynonprofitswasprettymuchlimitedtoacompanypurchasingatable’sworthofticketsto a charity fund-raiser and encouraging top executives to serve onboards.Todaythemostinnovativeandcreativeorganizationsencouragetheirentireworkforcetoengageincommunityserviceandphilanthropy.Thebestorganizationstodaygiveemployeesacertainnumberofpaid

days off to volunteer. They encourage employees to get involved atleadershiplevelsofnonprofitorganizations.Jimincustomerservicemaybe on the board for the Boys and Girls Club, where he coaches hisnephew’sbasketballteam.JohninaccountingmayheadupaWatchDogDadprogramforhisdaughter’sschooldistrict.JennyinHRreadsstoriestochildrenonceamonthaspartofaliteracyprogramatthelibrary;itremindsherofgoingtothelibrarywithhergrandmotherwhenshewasachild.Mary,acustodian,isonanadvisorycommitteeforthecounty’sfoodbank—thesamefoodbankthatprovidedherwithassistancewhenshe was going through a tough time. Preston in sales may be on theboardforthebatteredwomen’sshelterthathelpedhissistergetfreeofanabusiverelationship.Youdon’tneedanorganizationalinitiativetogetinvolved,ofcourse,

butcompaniesthattakethisopportunityarebuildingrelationalcapitalwith their employees and with their community. That’s leveragingphilanthropy.Most of the benefits are obvious. But sometimes such a benefit can

comeinanunexpectedform.Itisn’tpartofsomegrandplan.Itarriveslike an unexpected gift in themail. And you open it up and it totallytransformsyourlife.Forinstance,noneoftherelationshipsI’vebuiltweremorepivotalto

my future than theone that started inDecember2003ata fund-raiserforTheGatheringPlace,adayshelterforhomelesswomenandchildren.Ihadvolunteeredtoemceetheirevent.OneofthefirstpeopleImetthatnightwasavolunteeratthefrontcheck-indesk.Thatvolunteer—Jill—eventuallybecamemywife.

RelationShifter

Engaging in your community by volunteering and by attendingcharity fund-raisers provides opportunities to strategically meetpeople you need to know and lay a foundation for a long-term,meaningfulrelationship.

I

Chapter11

NeverKissontheFirstDate

’dlovetotellyouthatmywifelookedintomyeyesthefirsttimewemetandinstantlyknewthatIwastheone.Butitdidn’tgodownthatway.Infact,ittookmesomanyattemptstopersuadehertogoona

date withme that I started to worry that shemight get a restrainingordertokeepmeaway!Imusthaveaskedherouttwentytimesbeforeshefinallyagreedtomeetmeforcoffee.Atthetime,Jillwasthesinglemotherofathree-year-oldboy.She’d

beendivorcedlessthanayear,andshewastakingacautiousapproachtodating.Forme,itwasloveatfirstsight.ThatmademeallthemorenervousasIdrovetomeetheratthecoffeehouse.Ifeltthiswasmyonlyshottogetaseconddate,andIdidn’twanttomessitup.Onthewaythere,IrehearsedallthethingsIwantedtotellherabout

myself.IwantedhertoknoweverythingpositiveaboutmethatIcouldthinkof.Iwantedto“sell”myself.Infact,IdistinctlyrememberactuallyprayingaboutitasIdrovetomeether.Then I realized that if Iwanted tobuilda relationshipwithJill,our

firstmeaningfulconversationdidn’thavetorevolvearoundme.Whenwesatdownforcoffee,thefirstthingIaskedaboutwasherlife:

“Iunderstandyouhaveathree-year-oldson.TellmeaboutAnthony.”Intheblinkofaneye,ourfifty-minutedatelastedthreehours.Andit

all began withme asking Jill about her life. Andwhenwe got up toleave,shewasalmostapologetic.“Allwe’vedone is talkaboutme.Tellmemoreaboutyourself,” she

said.“I’vegottorun,”Isaid.“Let’ssavethatforthenexttime.”There turned out to be many more “next” times, but I deliberately

took things slowly.For the first time inmy life, Iwasdating someone

justtogettoknowher.IneverknewwhatI’dbeenmissingbefore.Except, in away, I knew exactlywhat I had beenmissing. BecausethatwasexactlyhowI’dalwaysapproachedmyprofessionalandotherpersonalrelationships.DatinghadbeentheoneareawhereI’dtriedtomovetoofastorhadtakentherelationshiptoocasually.Inallmyotherrelationships,Iinstinctivelyunderstoodnotto,asonemightputit,kissonthefirstdate.Dale Carnegie hit on this when he talked about “six ways to makepeoplelikeyou.”Idon’tthinkyoucan“makepeoplelikeyou,”atleastnotoverthelonghaul.Buthisprinciplesonthistopicaregoldenwhenitcomestogettingarelationshipofftoagoodstart.He said things like, “Be a good listener,” “Encourage others to talkaboutthemselves,”and“Talkintermsoftheotherperson’sinterests.”Healsotalkedaboutbeing“sincere”and“genuine,”whicharekeytothestrengthofanyrelationship.Ifyou’renotinterestedenoughtolistentowhatsomeoneelsehastosay,youdon’tdeservetoearnarelationshipwiththatperson—orhisbusiness.What Dale Carnegie was really saying, when you combine his sixprinciples,wasthatit’sbadformto“kiss”onthefirstdate.Ifyourushforward with something, it might provide you with immediategratification, but you’ll likely push the other person away rather thandrawhimorhertoyou.Thebetterapproachistolisten—genuinelyandsincerely.FocusingontheotherpersonissomethingI’vedonenaturallyaslongasIcanremember.Ididn’tevenknowitwasasmartthingtodo—Iamjustnaturallyinterestedinotherpeople.WhenIgraduatedfrombusinessschoolandwentlookingforajobincorporate America, I set my sights on a high-paying job with a high-profileorganization.Severalwell-connectedpeoplewereabletogetmyfootinthedoorofafewFortune500companies.SoIhadsixorsevenmeetingswithtopcorporateexecutives.Iwent into all of thosemeetings trying to learn asmuch as I couldaboutthepersonontheothersideofthedesk.Ididn’ttalkaboutmyselfatall.Ihaddoneasmuchresearchaspossibleabouttheexecutiveand

hiscompany,and,armedwiththatresearch,Iaskedatonofquestions.Toward the end of every meeting, the executive inevitably wouldrealize thathehaddonemost of the talking.And thenhe’d ask aboutme.Ididn’thavetosellmyself—heorsheinvitedmetosharemystory.Each of those meetings led to formal job interviews within thecompany. “Findaplace for thisyoungman,” theexecutivewould say,and,withhisblessingandsupport,theyalwaysdid.Iwasfortunatetohavesuchdoorsopenedforme,butIalsoknewthatI had to make something of those opportunities. And I still had tointerviewatthedepartmentlevel.Ididn’twantthemtogobacktotheirbossandsay,“We’llhirehim ifyoumakeus,buthe’snotagood fit.”Thepeopledoingthehiringwerealwaysmorefocusedthanthehigher-levelexecutiveonaskingmequestionsaboutmybackground,skills,andexperiences,andsoIansweredthem.ButIalsoaskedplentyofquestionsaboutthem,aswell,andIdidn’tpushmyselfonthem.I wanted to show that, first, I had done my research about thecompany and, second, that I was interested in them as people. IinstinctivelyknewtheywouldremembermeasmuchforthequestionsIaskedasfortheanswersIgave.Itwasn’taboutmechasingafirstkiss—orafirstjob.Itwasaboutwinningheartsandminds.Wasiteffective?Igotajobofferateverysinglecompany.

RelationShifter

Building a relationship begins by focusing your genuine, sincereattentionon theotherperson. It’snotaboutyou.Takeyour time.Gettoknowtheotherperson.Don’tpushforthethingsyoumightwant;figureoutwhattheyneed.

W

Chapter12

Don’tBeaChirpingBird

orking on the top floor in the 1996 presidential campaignheadquarters of Senator Bob Dole, I met some of the mostfamousandinfluentialpeopleinthecountry.It’salsowhereI

putintopracticesomeofthebestadviceanyone’severgivenmeaboutbuildingrelationships.Ihadreturned fromteachingEnglish inJapan,but Ihadsixmonths

before Iwould leave forAustralia toworkonmyMBA.So Imoved toWashington,D.C.,wheremyfriendCarolynGayhelpedmelandajobonthe Dole campaign. Carolyn, youmight recall, had encouragedme toapply for the Rotary Ambassadorial Scholarship. She toldme that if IworkedmywayuptheladderI’dlikelycomeincontactwithinfluentialpolitical figures,high-rankingofficials,andall sortsofwealthydonors.“Don’taskforautographsanddon’tasktohaveyourpicturetakenwiththem.They’lllookatyoudifferently.Youwantthemtolookatyouasaprofessional,notasatourist.”Overtheyears, thatadvicehascostmeallsortsofmemorabilia.But

it’salsohelpedmelaunchsomeofthemostincrediblerelationshipsI’veeverhad.One of the most common mistakes we make when first meeting

someonewhoweknowcanbe influential inour lifeorcareer is tobeoverly aggressive. It’s a short-term approach that can defeat our long-termgoals.Weallentersomerelationshipswithlittleornoexpectationsofwhat

they can do for us. But some relationships aremore strategic.We arewell aware of their potential to help us advance our personal orprofessional goals. As a result, consciously building the relationshipbecomes an intentional part of our plans. There’s nothingwrongwithreaching out to people who can help you. Whether we’re building a

career or trying to grow in our personal lives, certain people are inbetterpositionsthanotherstohelpmoveusalong.We’refoolishnottoseekthemout.So while we all leverage existing relationships—to make a sale, toforge a business partnership, tomake new relationships possible—it ishowwe go about that process that makes or breaks our success withrelationships. And inmy experience, a key to leveraging relationshipswithoutabusingthemisthis:Don’tbeachirpingbird.Whenamotherbirdreturnstohernest,whatgreetsher?Anestfullofchirping birds, each hungry and calling out forwhat it needswithoutregard for anything else. The birds eventually learn to fend forthemselves. Some people, on the other hand, leave the nest but neverstopchirpingformore.Theirneedsaresogreat,andsoinsatiable,thattheirattention isalways, firstand foremost,onwhatotherscando forthem.Chirp.Chirp.Chirp.Let me give you an example from the insurance industry. TheinsurancesalesmenIcountamongmyclosestfriendshaveonethingincommon: they aren’t chirping birds. They never ask me to introducethemtosomeoneso that theycanmakea saleorask for thatperson’sbusiness.Thesearegoodfriends,andI’dbefineiftheydidask.Buttheydon’t, because that isn’t whywe’re friends. Nonetheless, I recommendthemwholeheartedlyanytimethesubjectcomesup.Othersjustwantareferralsotheycanchaseasale.One salesman I knowonce took a Leader’s Challenge annual report,turned it over to the backwherewehadprinted a list of donors, andcircled the names of a number of people. Theywere people he didn’talreadyknow.“Tommy,”hesaid,“anychanceyoucanintroducemetoanyofthesepeople?”Wow.Washeaskingformyhelpinbuildinglastingrelationships?No.Did he plan to leverage those relationships to give back to thecommunity?No.Hewasattemptingtotradeonouracquaintancetogetreferralshecouldminetochasesalesandmakemoney.When I introduce two people, I do so because I believe they canmutually help each other; I’m delighted to facilitate such an

introduction.Mygoalistoaddvaluetotheirlives,andtotheworldatlarge.SoIloveintroducinggoodpeopletoothergoodpeople.Butintroducingachirpingbird—avultureorotherpredatorybird—tosomeoneIknowcanhurtmyfriendandunderminemyownrelationshipaswell.They’relikelytoaskthemselves,“WhatisitthatdrewTommytothisperson?WhatisitaboutthispersonthatmadeTommythinkofme?WhydoesTommythinkweshouldknoweachother?”Andiftheycan’tanswerthattotheirsatisfaction,thenIhavefailed.Ideeplyvaluethetrusttheyputinme.AndthelastthingIeverwanttodo isdiminish that trustby introducing them to someonewhoonlywants to use them. Their trust in me leads them to look for positiveanswers to those questions. If, in the short term or the long term,someone’sbehaviormakesthatrelationshipanegativeexperience,thenthe other person’s trust in me diminishes and the opportunity forbuildingourrelationshiptoahigherleveltakesahit.If I learn that you’ve been a chirping bird, that you’ve abused therelationship instead of adding value to it, do you think I’m going tocontinuegivingyouahandup into further value-driven relationships?Absolutelynot.Mypoint?Neverabusean introductionthatsomeonemakesonyourbehalf.Honoryourrelationships.Thatishowyoudevelopandmaintainthem.Ifsomeoneasksyouforanintroduction,besureofthemotivesoftheotherpersoninvolved.Followyourgutonthis—allowotherstouseyourgoodnameas an introductiononlywhen theyhave theotherperson’sbestinterestsatheart.Ifyouhavedoubts,don’tmaketheintroduction.And if you’renot sureof your instincts, holdoff, andget toknow theotherpersonbetter.Now, there’s nothingwrongwithmaking an introduction purely forthe purpose of enhancing business. If I know a friend or professionalacquaintancehasaparticularneed, like insurance, I’llgladly introducehim to someone I know and trust who can help him out—someonewhose firstprioritywillbebuildinganew relationship.And they’ll gointo the relationship with an understanding that, professionallyspeaking,theyhaveaskillorexpertisetheotherpersonneeds.

Afterall, leveragingmyexistingrelationships tomakenewones isabigpartofhowI’vebuiltsuchanextensivenetwork.Everyonehasaninnercircle—a“FifthFloorTeam”—andI’vealways

madeapointoflearningwhoisintheinnercircleofthepeopleIwanttomeet.Idon’tbelieveincoldcalls.Theydon’tworkveryoften.Whensomeoneapproachesmefromoutoftheblue,theyhavelittlecredibility.And thebusierandmore influential theotherperson is, the less likelytheyaretobereceptivetoacoldcall;theyjustdon’thavethetime,andit’soneoftheeasiestthingstofilterout.Ontheotherhand,ifsomeoneon my Fifth Floor Team suggests that I meet someone new, I alwaysagree to it.Always. In the sameway, I know that if Iwant tomeet aparticularperson,thebestwaytodoitistogetanintroductionfromamutualfriend—someoneIknowwhoisintheotherperson’sinnercircle.ButI’vealwaysmadeonethingclear:Iwon’tbecomeachirpingbird.

Iwon’t overaggressively chasewhat Iwant or need. In otherwords, Iwillbuildthenewrelationshipbeforeaskingsomethingfromit.Iwon’tchargeinaskingforfavorsorbusinessdeals.Iwillbuildtrustandgivetotherelationshipbeforeworryingaboutwhat,ifanything,Iwillget.People who are in a position of influence—in politics, church,

business, sports, entertainment, or whatever—become very used topeoplecallingbecause theywantsomething.Everywhere theygo, theyfindanothernest filledwithchirpingbirds.Sowhen theymeetpeopleforthefirsttime,theynaturallybecomeguarded.TheowneroftheColoradoRockiesandtheclub’spresidentareboth

goodfriendsofmine.ButIneveraskthemforticketsunlessit’stogivethemtocharity.Ihaveanotherfriendwhoownsoneofthelargestautodealerships inArizona.But I’veneveraskedhim foradealona car. Ihaveafriendwhoisawell-knownrecordingartist.ButIneveraskhimforfreeticketstohisconcerts.My no-chirp approach to relationships has paid off many times in

manyways,nottheleastofwhichhasbeenthroughmyfriendshipwithJennifer Holtz. Jennifer is married to Skip Holtz, the former headfootballcoachatEastCarolinaUniversityandthesonofcoachinglegendLouHoltz.IgraduatedfromEastCarolinaUniversity,andI’vebeeninvolvedfor

yearsasanalumnus. In2008,whenI tooktheconsulting jobasECU’sleader in residence, part ofmy rolewas tomeetwith community andschool leaders. None of that opened the doors of the head footballcoach’soffice.ButIdidhavearelationshipwithLyndaSpofford.SheisJenniferHoltz’sbestfriendfromtheirdaysascoedsatFloridaState.AndJenniferismarriedtoSkip.When I was president of Up with People, we sent a cast on a tourthrough the South. I approached the late Millard Fuller, a mentor ofmineandthefounderofHabitatforHumanity,aboutasponsorship.Hisneworganization,theFullerCenterforHousing,supportedourtour,andour castmembersvolunteeredonprojects in the cities theyvisited.AstheCenter’svicepresidentforcommunicationsanddevelopment,Lyndawasourpointperson,sowegottoknowandrespecteachother.Andafew years later when she learned I was going to spend a week eachmonthatECU,shesuggestedthatIgettoknowherfriendJennifer.Jennifer and I had lunch the next time I visited Greenville, andwebecame fast friends. But my relationship with Jen was never aboutgettingtoknowherhusbandorherfather-in-law(althoughmyfather-in-lawisahugeLouHoltzfan).WhileIlike,admire,andrespectSkipandLou,myrelationshipwithJenniferhasneverbeenaboutanythingotherthanbuildingafriendshipwithherandherfamily.Chirpingbirdsalwayswantsomething—tickets,autographs,influence,favors—and they will sacrifice the relationship to get whatever theywant.Focusingon the relationship firstmeans taking the risk thatyoumightnevergetsomeofthethingsyouwant.Butwhetherthose“things”eventuallycomeornot,youwinbecauseyouhavearelationshipthat’sgrounded on mutual interests and respect. And those relationshipsalwayspayoff.

RelationShifter

Chirpingbirdsareout for theirownself-interest. Itprevents themfrom building meaningful relationships based on a position ofauthenticityand trust.Don’tbeachirpingbird.Lifeasachirping

birdmightproduceshort-termresults,butitultimatelywilldamageyourrelationshipsanddivertyourpathfromrealsuccess.

J

Chapter13

PardonMeWhileITalktoYourWife

illandIgotodinnerfourorfivetimesamonthwithsomeoneI’mgetting to know on a professional basis. Sometimes the otherperson invites me to dinner, and sometimes I do the asking. I

alwaysaskJilltocomealong.Andiftheotherpersonismarriedorinaspecialrelationship,Iinvitethatpersonaswell.JillandIkeepbusyschedules,soIlovehavingheronthesebusiness

meetingspartlybecauseIwanttospendtimewithher.Butwealsogooutwithfriendsquiteabit,andweattendalotofcharityfund-raisers.Soour relationship could survive if shedidn’t comewithmeoneverybusinessdinner.There’sanotherreason,however,whyIliketohaveherthere:Jillisthemostimportantpersoninmylife,sohowsomeoneelsereceivesherisahugeindicatorofwheremyrelationshipwiththeotherpersonmightgo.The people who respect Jill and who value her opinions and ideas

earnalotofrelationshipcapitalwithme.AndI’vediscoveredovertheyearsthatmostpeoplemissthatopportunity—notjusttowinfavorwithmebut,moreimportant,togettoknowthebestpartofme.If youwant to get to know Jill, ask herwhat it’s like raising three

youngkids.Orifshemisseshercareerasanelementaryschoolteacher,nowthatshehasacareerasastay-at-homemom.Orwhatsheenjoys—andfindsmostchallenging—aboutvolunteeringwithsomanydifferentorganizations.Askheraboutherdreamsorherdailychallenges.Askheraboutherworld.Most people, however, hover around the news, sports, and weather

questions with Jill and ask me the more penetrating questions. Why?Becausetheyseemeasthedecisionmaker.TheythinkI’mtheonetheyneed to impress to get the business or establish the professionalrelationship.

Butwhathappenswhendinnerendsandweclosethecardoorsfortheridehome?IalmostalwaysaskJillforherimpressionsofthepersonwewentoutwith.Jillisagreatjudgeofcharacterandpeople.Ifthepersoninvestedtime in learning something about my wife, wasn’t self-focused, andengaged her in ameaningful dialogue, that speaks volumes. She’s notonetospeakpoorlyofotherpeople,butit’snothardformetotellifshefeltignoredandpassedoverbytheotherpersonatthetable.I also recognize thatmy spouse is a reflection onme.When peoplemeetJill,Iknowmystockgoesup.Theythink,“Tommymustbespecialifhecanmarrysomeoneasgenuineandsmart,assweetandsincereasJill.Hemustbedoingsomethingright.”Similarly, when I’m building a relationship with another person, Iwanttoidentifywhatisimportanttohimortoher.Iftheyaremarried,that’softentheirspouse.Butitmightbesomeotherfamilymember,orasupervisoratwork,amentororafriend,anadministrativeassistant,orevenacause.Iftheydon’tseemtorespecttheirspouseoradministrativeassistantorco-workers, that, too, is telling. It usuallymeans our relationship willstayonthelowerfloorsorwon’tgetoff thegroundatall. If theirtruelove is making money to the exclusion of other things, that tells mesomething. If they devote time to helping the homeless, that tells mesomethingaswell.Whatevertheirinterestsandpersonality,itwillshowitselfinhowtheytreatothers.Ifyouwantaninsideviewofsomeone’scharacter,watchthewaytheytreatthedoorman,thewaitress,theflightattendant, the receptionist, the taxi driver—anyone they interact withwhodoesn’tholdapositionof influence. It theydon’t treat themwithrespect,aredflagshouldimmediatelygoup.But ifbuildingarelationshipwithaperson is important tome, thenwhat he or she finds important instantly takes on a new level ofimportance forme, as well. Saidmore simply: if it’s important to theotherperson,it’simportanttome.Whenwe’reatdinnerorinsomeothersocialsettingwithsomeoneI’mtryingtobuildarelationshipwith,Ialmostalwaysgivemoreattentionto his or her spouse.What’s his career like? How does she spend her

time?What’s important tohim?What areherdreams,her challenges?Whatdoessheseeashergreatestaccomplishments?OneofthebestcomplimentsI’veeverreceivedwasfromafriendwhotoldmewhyheenjoyshangingoutwithJillandme:“Youmakemywifefeelsogood,”hesaid.“Youaskherquestionsnoone’severaskedbefore.Mostofthetimewhenwegoout,peoplejustaskaboutme.”Relationships seldom involve just two people. The best relationshipsaremorecomplex,morerobust.Soifyoucareaboutsomeone,investinthepeopletheycareabout.Pickanytenrelationshipsthatyouhaverightnow.Thinkofseveralthatyou’dliketoimprove.Next,askyourselfwhoarethemostsignificantpeopleintheirlives.Whatcanyoudotohonornotjustthepersonyouhavearelationshipwith,butthepeoplewhoareimportanttothem?I see this idea lived out among the boardmembers of a nonprofit Isupport.WhenIwasaskedtojointheboard,Ifoundmyselfamongsomenationallyrespectedheavyhittersintheirrespectivefields.Andyetthisboard intentionally includes the spouses of boardmembers in all theirevents and all theirmeetings. Theywant the spouses engaged in theirmission.Theywanttohonorthepeoplewhoaremostimportantinthelives of their fellow board members. It’s a remarkable vision, and anexampleworthfollowing—inbusinessandinlife.

RelationShifter

Ifyou’rebuildingarelationshipwithsomeone,you’realsobuildinga relationshipwith the peoplewho are important to that person.Whattheythinkofyoumatters.Itcangoalongwayintheshapingof your relationship.Howyou treat other people says a lot aboutwhoyouare.

B

Chapter14

RelentlessCommunication

rad Billingsly works for Lockton, the world’s largest privatelyownedindependentinsurancebroker.Brad epitomizes what I call “relentless communication” in

relationships—the idea that if we want to create, build, and sustainrelationshipsthatmatter,wehavetoconsistentlyandpersistentlyreachouttopeopleincreative,personalways.Brad heard me speak a few years ago during a Leader’s Challenge

fund-raising breakfast, and something I said must have touched hisheart.AfewdayslaterIreceivedahandwrittenletterfromBrad,tellingmehowmovedhewasbymyvision forhelpingyoungpeopleand forvolunteeringingeneral.Mytalkhadinspiredhim,hesaid,togetmoreinvolved.Hewrotemethelettertoencouragemeandtothankme.Brad’ssimplebutsincereone-pagelettertouchedmesodeeplythatI

shareditwithmywife.IputitinafolderIuseforthecardsandlettersthatIhavetreasuredthemostovertheyears.AndwhenIwasaskedtogiveaspeechtoLockton’sDenver-basedemployeesoncreatingaculturethatvaluesauthenticrelationships,ItooktheletterwithmeandIreadittotheaudience.“As you can see, you already have someone on your team who

understandsthevalueofauthenticrelationships,”Itoldthegroup.AndthenIexplainedtheimpacttheletterhadinlaunchingmyrelationshipwithBrad.Bradhadendedtheletterwiththesuggestionthatwegettogetherfor

acupofcoffee.Sowedid. Iknewfromthe letter thatBradwassomeonewhocared

about people not just on a surface level but in the ways that reallymattered. Hewas transparent about his own shortcomings—he felt he

didn’tspendenoughtimeservingothers—andhecaredenoughto takethetimetohandwritemealetter.Hewasmykindofperson.Hisletterwasthesparkthatignitedoneoftheclosestfriendshipsinmylife.It was the first of many cards, letters, phone calls, and meetingsbetweenus.In an age when so many people see social networking through thepixelsonacomputerorcell-phonescreen,Bradcontinuestohandwriteletters and put them in a mailbox. A talented artist, many of Brad’smissivesincludepencil-drawnsketches.Ifyouwant to relentlesslycommunicate, there’snothingwrongwithcell phones and e-mails. I send and receivemore than a hundred textmessages and e-mails every day. I’m the poster boy for “Crackberry”addiction. But sometimes it’s the personal touches that set you apartfrom others and create the greatest opportunities for lastingrelationships.We get flooded every day by textmessages and e-mails;meanwhileourmailboxesarefilledwithbills,advertisements,andsolicitations.Andthat’sexactlywhyhandwrittenlettersandnotesaresospecial—theyarethe rare personal note amid a sea of impersonal statements and bills.Justseeingmynamehandwrittenontheoutsideoftheenvelopebringsasmile to my face. It hardly matters how long the letter is or what itactuallysays.Thoughacliché,itreallyistruethatit’sthethoughtthatcounts, because we remember the fact of the letter long after we’veforgottentheactualwords.WhenIthinkthroughmycontactlist,Icantellyouwhoamongthemcommunicate with handwritten letters. I get a handwritten note afteranytimeIspendtimewithmyfriendWilArmstrong.SusanStanton,mywife’s sister, is my ultimate role model in keeping this endangeredspecies alive. If I do something for Susan, no matter how small orroutine it might seem to me, she sends me a handwritten thank-younote.Imustgetadozenormoreayearfromher.Ifanythingsignificanthappensinmylife—fromAnthony’shockeyteamwinningagame,tomylanding a new business deal—she knows about it and sends a note ofcongratulationsorencouragement.Handwritten notes, of course, are just one form of relentless

communication.IhaveafriendinMinnesotawhoputsAmericanflagsintheyardsofhisclientseveryyearontheFourthofJuly.AnotherfriendgivespumpkinstohisclientseachHalloween.Theycallandstopbyaswell,but thesethings inparticularset themapart.Theygivepeople inthecommunityareasontothinkofthemandsmile.Brad distinguishes himself through his sketches. Once Jill and IplannedavacationinCaboSanLucas,Mexico,andweinvitedBradandhis wife, Amy, to stay with us. When we returned, Brad gave us aframed,hand-drawnsketchofthebeachwherewe’dstayed.Otherthanmysister,whoisaprofessionalartist,nooneelsehasevergivenmeadrawingrepresentingasignificanttimeinourlives.Whatamessage!Whatcanyoudotodistinguishyourselffromthecrowd?Howcanyoupracticerelentlesscommunication?Whatcanyoudowhenstartingnewrelationships—the type of thing I displayed when sending thank-younotes to everyone who invited me to a charity fund-raiser during myearly years in Denver? What can you do to keep your existingrelationships healthy? I call my closest friends on their birthdays andsing“HappyBirthday”tothem(sometimestotheirembarrassment!),ordropthemahandwrittennotetoletthemknowtheywereonmymind.My friend Scot Wetzel, a prominent banker, often gives flowers toclientsonspecialoccasions.I’llneverforgettheflowershesentJillandmewhenCarolinewasborn.What are you doing for your co-workers? Your clients? Yourcustomers?Yourdonors?Myworknowinvolvesrunning for-profitandnonprofitventures.Onthe nonprofit side, I make sure we send things like tax receipts,newsletters,andthank-you letters toallofoursupporters.But tobuilddeeper, stronger relationships with these donors, I go beyond thosemandatory obligations. The same holds true for customers, clients,vendors, employees, and any other stakeholders in your professionalworld. Fund-raisers suggest that nonprofits need to find at least sevenopportunities to thank a donor for every one time that you ask for adonation. I believe the same standard applies in business and in ourpersonallives.Athank-youonaninvoiceoracardatChristmassimplyisn’tenough.

Relentless communication is an intentional practice. It’s playingoffense,notjustsittingbackandplayingdefense.It’snotsomethingthatjusthappens—youhavetomake ithappen.IbreakitdownintermsoftheScheduled,theSpontaneous,andtheSuperRoutine.

TheScheduled

WhenImeetsomeone,Idon’tjustentertheirphonenumberande-mailaddressinmycontactsfile.Ialsoenterbirthdaysandanniversaries.ButIdon’tstopthere.IenterjustaboutanypieceofinformationIcanthinkof—thenamesof their spouses,where theywent to school, activities Iknowtheyenjoy.Andifit’spossibletoputitonthecalendar,Iputitonthecalendar.If thechildofoneofmyfriendsorsignificantcontacts isgraduating

fromhighschoolorcollegeor is scheduled toperform inamusicalorplay in abig game, I try to knowabout it and send themagift, dropthemanoteore-mail,orgivethemacall.WhenIwasinsaleswithIBMLotus, I often attended the youth soccer games and junior-high bandconcertsjusttoletmyclientsknowIwasinterestedinwhotheywere,ratherthanjustinthethingstheycoulddoformeorbuyfromme.How much do you know about the daily lives of your clients, co-

workers, customers, and other key relationships?What can you do toencouragethem,thankthem,andsupportthemintheirlives?

TheSpontaneous

Of course, not all communication fits on a calendar. Spontaneouslyreachingoutcanbemeaningful.Butevenwithspontaneity,youhavetobe intentional about keeping upwith people’s lives. It doesn’t happenmagically.Youhavetointentionallystayintunewiththeworldaroundyou,oryou’llmiss someof thegreatestopportunities to spontaneouslycommunicatewiththepeopleyoucareaboutorwouldliketoknow.Oneeasywaytodothisistoreadthenewspaper.Cutoutanyarticles

andhighlightanyinformationthoseyouknow(orwanttoknow)might

appreciate.Sendittothemwithanote.That’sagoodstart.But if you really know the things thatmattermost to your friends,you’llfindotherreasonstosendthemanoteorgivethemacall.Maybeyouknowthatafriendhashadhiseyeonanewgolfclub,andyoujusthappenedtoseeitonsale.Youcantellhimthenexttimeyouseehim—oryoucanpickupthephonerightthenandcall.I’vewrittenhundredsofletterstopeopleIdon’tknow,simplytosaythanksforsomethingtheydidortoencouragethem.WhenIreadagoodbook,I’llwritetheauthor.WhenIseethatsomeonehaswonanaward,I’ll drop her a note saying congratulations—sometimes even if I don’tknowher.Manytimes,suchaletterornotehasbeenthestartingpointofarelationship.

TheSuperRoutine

Imakecommunication“superroutine.”Itisn’tjustsomethingIschedule.It is a part ofmy lifestyle. It’s like brushingmy teeth—once someonehadtoteachmetodoit,butit’snowaregularpartofhowIgoaboutmydailylife.LetmeshareafewofthoseroutinesthatI’vedeveloped,incaseyouwanttoadoptafewforyourself.First,IroutinelymakealistofeveryoneImeetwithduringtheweek.ThenIsendatleasttwentypersonalnotesfromthatlist.PeopleIhaven’tmetwithduringtheweekinevitablypoptomind,andI’llincludenotestosomeofthem,aswell.Somepeoplemightseethatasnetworking,orrelationshipmaintenance.ButIreallydon’tthinkofitinthoseterms.Ijust see itasagood thing todo forpeople Icareabout. Iaddressandstamp the envelopes, then put them in a folder in my briefcase withblank notes. Each day I carve out ten to fifteen minutes to write thenotes. I never ask an assistant to address them or send them. I do itmyself.I have stationery with my name it. I never send personal notes oncompany letterhead or blank paper.At Christmas,mywife and I sendhundredsofChristmascards.Wedon’thandwriteall thecards,butwe

handwrite all of the envelopes.Andwemakeapointof thinking abouteachpersonorfamilytowhomwesendacard.IalsoenjoygivinggiftsthatshowI’mthinkingabouttheotherperson

—gifts that show I’m thinking about their interests and lives. AlanHolmanand IwereplayinggolfonedaywhenhecommentedonhowmuchhelikedawatchIwaswearing.ItwasaCallowaywatchthatI’dreceivedasagiftforplayinginacharitygolftournament.Amonthorsolater, I invited Alan to a fund-raiser for Anthony’s hockey team. Alanwasbattlinganillnessandwasgoingthroughadivorce,andIwantedtodo something thatwould lifthis spirits. So Iput thewatch in frontofhimathistableandsaid,“I’vebeenwantingtogiveyouthisforsometime.” It wasn’t an expensive watch. But it let him know I hadrememberedhowmuchhelikedthewatchandthatIhadbeenthinkingabouthim.Booksmake for great relationship-building gifts.Mywife and I read

the bestseller Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall and DenverMoore(ThomasNelson,2008),andwelikeditsomuchthatwe’vegivenmorethanahundredcopiesawayaspersonalgiftstofriends.AndIgivebooks to people I have professional relationshipswith all the time. Infact,IkeepseveralboxesofbooksinmyofficethatIcangivetopeoplefacing different kinds of challenges. I always have copies of Good toGreatbyJimCollins(HarperBusiness,2005),TheFiveDysfunctionsofaTeambyPatrickLencioni (Jossey-Bass,2002),TheFredFactorbyMarkSanborn(RandomHouse,2005),RadicalLeapbySteveFarber (Kaplan,2009), and The One-Minute Manager, the classic by Ken Blanchard(WilliamMorrow,1982). Iprobablyhandout severalhundredbooksayear.These types of gifts send a message that I’m paying attention to

personaland/orprofessionalneedsofothersand that Icareenough toactonwhatIknow.TheonlygiftI’veeverregrettedistheoneIdidn’tgive.Mypoint:Findwaystomovetherelationshipforward.WhenIhaveaconversationwithsomeone,I’malwayslookingforat

leastoneopportunityinwhichIcanfollowupwithane-mail,acall,acard,orafollow-upmeeting.SometimesIe-mailorcallsomeonewitha

restaurantrecommendation.ItletsthemknowI’mthinkingaboutthem.IfIwritesomeoneanoteorletteraftermeetingthematadinnerparty,they’llknowIcareenoughtofollowupimmediately.They’llrealizetheymade a positive impression and that Imeantwhat I saidwhen I toldthemIenjoyedmeetingthem.IfIdropbysomeone’sofficewithabasketoftheirfavoritefruitandathank-younote,they’llknowIrememberedtheirloveoffreshColoradopeachesandthatIvaluedthemsomuchthatIwentoutofmywaytosaythanks.Ithinkofcommunicationintermsofitsimpact.Thereisahierarchy.

A text is nice, but an e-mail is better.And a phone call is better still.Sometimes, however, a handwritten note is even better. A gift with ahandwrittennoteisspecial.Buthand-deliveringanotealongwithagiftisthebest.Allof these things—allof this relentlesscommunication—shows that

youcare,thatyouwanttocontinuetobuildandgrowtherelationship.Inmostcasesitleadstothethingyouwantnext—face-to-facetimewiththepersonyouwantorneedtoknow.Sitting downwith someone after an initial meeting is critical when

tryingtolaunchaprofessionalorpersonalrelationshipbeyondtheFirstorSecondfloor.Peoplearebusy.Youhavetoexpectthatitwillbeuptoyoutomakearelationshipblossom.Youcan’tdothatbye-mail.Findareasontoget togetheragain—forcoffeeor lunch,or foramoreformalmeeting,ifthat’swhatyourbusinessrequires.When I was pitching my vision for Leader’s Challenge, there were

timeswhenI’ddriveprospectivedonors totheairport just togetsomefacetimewiththem.Iwasn’tshyaboutit.Ifwewerehavingahardtimeschedulingameeting,itoftenwasbecausetheytraveledsomuch.SoI’dvolunteer to drive them to the airport so we could talk. (I usuallysuggestedthisinahandwrittennote.)NotonlydidIgettimewiththemto cultivate the relationship, but I think they appreciatedmy tenacityandmycreativity.Yes,I’mabitzealouswhenitcomestothesethings.Butthat’swhyI

call it “relentless communication.” It takes time and energy, andsometimesafewbucks.Thecardsandbooksandgiftsaddup,tobesure.Asdoespostage.Butit’saninvestmentthattomeiswellworththecost.

Ifyouwanttocreateandnurturerelationships inyour life,makeaninvestmentinrelentlesscommunication.Youdon’thavetosendtwentyhandwrittennotesaweek,butwhynotsendfive?Orfindotherwaystouniquely express your thanks to the people you know—a flag on theFourthofJuly,ayellowroseasabirthdaygift.Makethisapartofyourlife, something that you canmake part of your relational DNA.Whenyoudoit,peoplewillthinkofyouandsmile.Andthey’llwanttoknowyoubetter.Andthat’stheheartofanyrelationship.

RelationShifter

Whetheryou’re trying to createanew relationshiporbuildinganexisting one, stay in touch with the other person. Find unique,consistent ways to stay connected to their lives.When they hearfromyou,especially inpersonalways, they’llknowyoucare.Andthey’llwanttoknowyoubetter.

M

Chapter15

PlayChess,NotMonopoly

y father taught me to play chess when I was in elementaryschool.Mylearningdisabilitymadeithardformetoread,butforsomereasonIwasabletovisualizethechessboardandthe

moveseachplayercouldmakeandhowallthepiecesworkedtogether—formeandformyopponent.My dad and I played all the time; it became one of the defining

activities of our relationship. I still play whenever I can, and I lookforwardtoteachingmychildren.AndalthoughI’mnoBobbyFischer,Itypicallyenjoytheupperhand.ThethingIloveaboutchessisthatitteachesmetothinkstrategically

and challenges me to anticipate the future. The great chess mastersalways are thinking and anticipating the multiple scenarios to whichtheywillhavetoreact,basedonthe likelymoves—andsometimes theunlikely moves—of their opponents. Good chess isn’t reaction-driven.Youdon’tbaseyournextmovesolelyonthelastmoveofyouropponent.Youmakemovestosetupfuturemoves;youmakemovesthatanticipateyour opponent’s strategy. You try to see the big picture and actaccordingly.The lessonsofchesscanapply toour relationships,aswell.Youcan

look at each relationship you have and see how it connects to all theotherrelationships,andanticipatehowthoserelationshipscanhelpeachotherbasedonwhateveractionsyoutakeortheotherpersontakes.Callitrelationshipchess.Butinsteadofcapturingapawnortrapping

aking,we’reconnectingpeoplefrommultiplerelationshipsinwaysthatbenefiteveryoneinvolved.Makingthisworkrequiresthatwepaycloseattention to the needs and interests of the people around us. As withchess,wehavetoknowwhateachpersoncanoffertheother—andwehavetoknowhowpeoplecanhelporenhanceeachother’scommunity

offriends.Itrequiresthatweanticipate—fiveorsixmovesahead—howthe interests andneedsof thepeopleweknowmight fit togetherwithourhelp.Icangiveyoudozensofexamplesofthis.Oneconnectionleadstothenextone,likeeatingpopcornoutofahugebowlinfrontoftheTV.Let’sstartwithanexampleofaneditorIknow.Heand Iwereworkingonaproject, and Iwanted to find away toexpressmyappreciation.Ibeganscanningthechessboard,lookingforawaytolethimknowhowmuchIappreciatedhisinput.Onedaywewereonthephoneandhementionedhe’dbeoutoftheoffice oneweek the nextmonth on a family vacation onHiltonHeadIsland,SouthCarolina.Iaskedwherehewasstaying,andhesaidhewasstilltryingtosettleonahotel.Isawanopportunity.The nicest hotel I know of on Hilton Head Island is the Westin. IhappentoknowMikeHanson,thepresidentofWestinandapartnerinthe company that owns it. Mike also owns the Westin La Paloma inTucson,Arizona;whenIwasCEOandpresidentofUpwithPeople,weheldreunionsinTucsonandwouldbooktheentireresort.MikelivesinTucson,andwe’vebecomegoodfriendsovertheyears.IknowMikewellenough,infact,thatIcouldcallandaskforafavor.HeknowsmewellenoughtoknowthatI’mnotachirpingbird—Idon’taskoften. I toldhimabout theeditor, theprojectwewereworkingontogether,andhowIwantedtodosomethingforhimtohelpoutduringhisvacation.“Wouldyouhelpmetakecareofmyfriend?”Iasked.Mikeagreedtogivehimacomplimentaryroomduringhisstay.Next,Isent theeditorane-mail:“TheotherdayyousaidyouweregoingtoHiltonHead.Whatwerethosedates?”Herespondedwiththedatesandaquestion:“Why?”AfterconfirmingwithMike,Isentanothere-mail:“Afriend of mine is the president of the Westin, which owns the nicesthotelonHiltonHead.Imadeaphonecall,andyou’realltakencareof.Here’syourconfirmationnumber.”The editor, of course, called to thankme, both before and after thetrip.ButIdidn’tdoitforhisthanks.Infact,Iwantedtothankhim.

Toooften,peopledoafavorintheexpectationofbaskingintheotherperson’s praise and gratitude. Tome, a good deed loses a little of itslusterwhenthefocusshiftstothegiver.Findingwaystodosomethingniceforsomeoneimportantinyourlifeisagoodenoughlessononitsown.Butrelationshipchessrequiresmore.Itrequiresthinkingseveralmovesahead.IwantedtothankMikeHansonaswell.IknewMikeenjoyedplayinggolf and watching football, and that he had a son attending theUniversityofColorado.Sowhen I calledMike back to thank him for providing the room, Iasked him about his son. “When you come to visit him this fall, whydon’t youpickaweekendwhen theBroncosareplayingathome,andwe’llallgotothegame,”Isaid.MiketookmeupontheofferandpickedaweekendwhentheBroncoswereplayingtheDallasCowboys.NextIaskedhimifhewantedtoplaygolfwhilehewasintownandifheplannedtostayinBoulderwithhisson,orifhewantedahotelinDenver.Hesaidhisson’splacewassmall,so,yes,aroominDenverwouldbenice.And,yes,he’d lovetoplayaroundofgolf.SoIcalledmyfriendsMarkUrichandMarcelPitton.IhadintroducedMarkandMikeHansonduringavisittoArizonaforMajorLeagueBaseball springtrainingearlier thatyear. Iwassure thatthemoretheygottoknoweachother,themorethey’dlikeeachother.Ialso suspected Mike could well end up a client of Mark’s insuranceservices.SoIaskedMarkifhewouldbeinterestedintakingMikeoutforaroundofgolf.IknewMarkwouldnotputaheavy“sales”pitchonmyfriend. Mark would focus on Mike, and their relationship and a funroundofgolf,regardlessofwhetheritledtomorebusiness.My other call was to Marcel, the general manager of the BrownPalace,ahistoricfour-starhotelindowntownDenver.ItoldhimafriendwascomingtotownandweweregoingtotheBroncosgame.Wouldhelike to join us? And could he possibly provide Mike with acomplimentaryroomduringhisstay?I have several friends in the hotel business in Denver; most wouldhave gladly done me that favor. But I called Marcel for a particular

reason;IfeltheneededtoknowMikeHanson.Marcelandhiswife,yousee,ownahomeonHiltonHeadIsland.They

plan to retire there eventually. For now, they rent it out. When theytraveltoHiltonHeadeachyeartocheckontheproperty,theyhavetostay at a hotel. To me, it made sense that Marcel should stay at theWestinwhenhevisitedHiltonHead, and thatMike should stayat theBrownPalacewhenhevisitedDenver.Thistypeoftrade-outiscommoninthehotelindustry.AllMikeandMarcelneededwasanintroduction.By thanking the editor I wasworkingwith, I alsowas able to help

nurturetherelationshipbetweenMikeHansonandMarkUrich,andhelpto start a relationship betweenMike Hanson andMarcel Pitton—withmutualbenefitsforallinvolved.AndIgottomeetMike’sson,Greg,atthe football game. He’s a terrific youngmanwho dreams of studyingabroad inNewZealand.Greg and I are staying in touchwhile he’s inschool, and I’ve helped connect him with the largest company in theworld that specializes in study-abroad programs in New Zealand. ThecompanyhappenstobebasedinDenver.So,attheendoftheday,whatwasinallofthisrelationshipchessfor

me? Did I “win” the game? Of course I won!My winnings, however,aren’teasytoquantify.Theycameintheformofrelationshipcapital.Infact,hadIbeenseekinganythingelse,Iwouldhavelost.Let’s consider another board game: Monopoly. You need a strategy

whenplayingMonopoly,butthegameismuchmorereactivethanchess.Youreacttotherollofthediceandtothecardsyoudraworthespacesyou land on. You take each turn as it comes, and you go about thebusiness of trying to rule theworld—buy all the property,win all themoney,ownallthehouses,hotels,railroads,andutilities.Whenyou approach relationshipbuilding focusedonly on your own

benefit,with your own self-serving agenda, andwith ulteriormotives,everyonearoundyoucanseeitforwhatitis.It’slikeplayingMonopoly;even if you buy all the properties and fill themwith hotels, you willneverbuildmeaningful, long-termrelationships.Yourrelationshipswillbeasbankruptastheopponentsyoudefeatedinthegame.Mygoalwith relationship chess is simple: to help and serve people.

WhenpeoplewhoknowmedoaBlackBerryScrollandcomeacrossmy

name,IwantthemtomarkmedownasaGiver,notaTaker.Thatonlyhappensifmyintentionsarepure.Whentheyare,there’snowayIcanlose.Itallcomesbackingoodways—althoughtheyarewaysImaynotbeabletoforeseeorplanaround.WhenIplaychessorMonopoly,Iplaytowin.ButwhenIbuildpersonalrelationships,Iplaytogive.Iplaytoserve.Idon’twanttofinishwithallthepropertyandallthecash,nordoIwanttocapturetheotherperson’sking.Ijustwanttohelpmaketheirworldalittlebetter.

RelationShifter

Building value-driven relationships requires forward-thinkingstrategies that lead to creativewaysofhelpingothers, connectingthemwith thepeoplewhocanmeet theirneedsandbeapositiveinfluence intheir lives.Reviewyourrelationshipswithaneyenotjust tohowyoucanhelpeachother,but tohowallof thepeopleyouknowcanhelponeanother.Beafacilitator—helptomakethathappen.

T

Chapter16

SeekAdvice,NotBusiness

hemost valuable questions I’ve ever asked another person hadlittletodowithwhattheycoulddoformeormyorganizations,andeverythingtodowithwhattheythoughtaboutsomething.

ItwasjustsuchquestionsthatledmetostayinColoradoratherthanmoveback toNewYork.As Imappedout ideas for launchingLeader’sChallenge, I sought theadviceof friends andmentors,whohelpedmetweakmybusinessmodel,butalsosuggestedthatIstartitinDenver.Ilearnedasimilarlessonaboutbuildingrelationshipstenyearslater,

whenLeader’sChallengecloseditsdoors.The principle is simple: ask others what they think instead of what

theycando.Thisworksineverysectoroftheeconomy—corporate,nonprofit,and

public. And it will help you strengthen relationships at every level.Those relationships blossom into creative partnerships andcollaborations that take off in ways you never would have expected.Within an organization, they lead to better, more effective teams.Betweenorganizations, they lead todeals thathelpbothsidesprosper.Whether you deal in products, services, or ideas, your chances ofadvancingthemgoupdramaticallywithrelationshipsbuiltonasharedvision.We all want to be valued for our opinions, so we all appreciate it

whensomeoneasksuswhatwethink.Butaskingwhatsomeonethinksisn’tatactictostrokesomeoneelse’segotogetthemtolikeyou.Gettingtheiropinionsis importantformuchbiggerreasons:first, itshowsthatyouvalueandrespect theiropinionsandviewpoints; second,youneedthehelp;and,third,youneedthebuyin.If you think you have all the answers on your own, well, you’re

kidding yourself.Nomatterwhat challenges you face, you can alwaysbenefit from the input of others. You might need their technicalexpertiseortheirdetachedpointofview.Therearealwayspeoplewhocanaddtoyourknowledgeandexpertise.Feedbackisalsoinvaluableincreatingsupportforyourwork.Leader’sChallengedidn’tlaunchwithaprogramforteachingleadershiptoyouth,butwithamission for teaching leadershiptoyouth.Theprogramcamealmostayearlater,afterIhadspentcountlesshoursvisitingprincipals,teachers,superintendents,donors,andotherleaderstogettheirinputonwhat was needed, and on what would and wouldn’t work. Thefingerprints of hundreds of people covered the pages of the Leader’sChallengebusinessplan,givingallofthosepeopleasenseofownershipintheprogramweeventuallydelivered.One of those people was K. C. Gallagher, the managing director ofGallagher Enterprises. We met in August 2000. When I told him wewanted toput togethera summeracademyandbring in students fromallaround the state,he said, “Wouldn’t itbe incredible if you tookaninner-citykidandhadhimroomwithsomekidfromthesuburbs?Youcould put them in rooms with other kids of different races andbackgroundsandsocioeconomicconditions.”Thatwastheexactoppositeofmyplan. Ihadintendedtogroupthestudents by school. But K.C. had a bigger and better vision, one thatallowed the students to build bridges of understanding while sharingideas.WhenIvisitedwithK.C.thenextyear,Itoldhimthatwehadtakenhis advice and that it hadworked outwonderfully.My vision and hisvision had become a shared vision—along with more than a dozenotherswhohelpedshapetheprogram.DoyouthinkK.C.supportedtheprogramfinancially?Yes.Hegavemoneyeveryyearfortenyears.Whenyoucreateasharedvision,youcreateasharedinvestment.Even if youdon’t use all the advice youget—andyouwon’t—you’llstill have taken an important step toward getting support frompeoplewhomatter.Whenyoufocusontherelationshipandnotthebusiness,thebusinessthrives—evenwhenthesuggestionisthelastthingyouthinkyouwant

todo.Ifyouhaveaself-interestatstake—asaletomake,abusinessideaor nonprofit that needs funding—you have plenty of motivation forbuildingrelationshipsandseekingtheopinionsofothers.Butsometimesyouneedto“hearpeopleout”justbecauseit’stherightthingtodo.Andthat’s never more difficult than when people are unhappy withsomethingyourorganizationhasdone.I experienced this in 2009 when the board of directors of Leader’sChallengevoted toclosedownthe ten-year-oldorganization that Ihadfounded.WhenIleftLeader’sChallengetobecomepresidentandCEOofUp with People, it was the largest student leadership program in thestate. Unfortunately, within a few years it began experiencingmanagement problems, and the tough economic times only mademattersworse.About a year after I left Up with People to start the SpauldingCompanies, theLeader’sChallengeboardaskedme to return, firstasaconsultant and then as interim part-time executive director. But ourattemptstorevivetheorganizationcameupshort.Inthefallof2009theboard,overmyobjections,madetheharddecisionofshuttingitdown.Theydidsointhetypicalbusiness-worldmanner.Oncethedecisionwasmade, they ceasedoperations.Theydidn’t lookback, and theyofferedverylittleexplanationabouttheclosing.Theysimplycloseditdownandmovedontothenextthing.The decision was beyond my control, but obviously I had atremendous emotional connection to the organization and the peopleinvolvedwith it. I hadnever lostmypassion for itsmission. Seeing itclose was one of the toughest things I’ve ever dealt with. While theboard did everything by the book during the closing, I felt a deepobligationtothepeople—notjustthestaffbutthevolunteers,students,parents,alumni,creditors,donors,andschoolofficials.So I went to talk to them. Imade a list ofmore than one hundredpeople,andImadeitapointtovisitwitheveryoneofthem,nomatterhowupset theywereover theclosing. Iwent to look themin theeyesand thank them for all they had done to support the vision. I wasn’taskingforanything.Indoingthis,severalthingshappened.

First,manypeopleonmylistwerestillupset,buttheyweregratefulthatIcaredenoughtomeetwiththem.Second, the parents, students, and volunteers showed an amazing

resolvetokeeptheprogramalivefortheremainderofthatschoolyear.Ispentsixmonthsputtingtogetherandleadingavolunteercommitteeofparents, teachers, and principals and helping them self-direct aleadership program. That committee, ironically, came up withimprovements thatmadetheprogrambetter thanever.The lessonwasclear:whenyoudo the right thing in termsof your relationships—notjustwhat’sright“bythebook”—extraordinarythingscanhappen.Third, a number of relationshipswere salvaged just before they fell

intothebasement.Avoidingconfrontationiseasy,butitcomesatahighprice.ItwashardformetotalktotheLeader’sChallengecreditorsanddonors,butitwouldhavebeenworsetolosetheirrespect.Afourththinghappened.Iheardaconsistentmessagefromallofthe

peopleImetwith,saying,“Yourworkisnotdone.”ThroughgraceandprayerandtheheartfeltadviceandopinionsofallthepeopleItalkedtoon that list, I realized that sometimeswhen thingsdie,new thingsareborn.Leader’s Challenge lost its way. But there’s still a need for teaching

servant leadership, volunteerism, and citizenship to our youth. Thatneednevergoesaway.WhatarosefromtheashesofLeader’sChallengewasthebirthofanewinitiativecalledtheNationalLeadershipAcademy—abigger,betterversionoftheoriginalvision.Leader’s Challengewas born because I had a vision andwent about

buildingrelationshipscenteredontheadvicepeopleofferedformakingitareality.TheNationalLeadershipAcademywasbornbecauseIsoughtto repair relationships, and Iwentwhere those relationships naturallytook us. In both cases, seeking the advice—and forgiveness—made allthedifferenceincreatingtherelationships,andbuildingthebusiness.

RelationShifter

If you want to build relationships that matter, honor the other

person.Listentohisadvice—orhiscomplaints.Findoutwhatthatperson thinks, rather than telling her what you want. And if thesituationrequiresit,seekforgiveness.

L

Chapter17

He’sJustNotThatintoMe

ife isn’t perfect, and neither are relationships. There are timeswhen the relationships we covet—whether for personal reasons,professionalreasons,orboth—simplydon’tpanout.

Somenevergetoff theground.Nomatterwhatwedo,wecan’tgetthemofftheFirstorSecondfloors.Therearepeopleouttherewhodon’treturn my calls or respond to my letters. Other relationships findthemselves buried below the First Floor, down in the dark, dingybasement.Andotherrelationshipsgetofftoagoodstart,butlatercrashandburn.We’veallhad former co-workerswhohavebetrayedus, leftknifewounds in our backs, or failed to deliver on their promises. I’vehadmentors—people I completely trusted—turn againstme. I’ve beenhurt,misunderstood,anddisappointed.And,unfortunately,I’msureI’vedonethesametootherpeople.I’ve learned to deal with those hurts and disappointments by

respecting the Law of Mother Teresa: results, while important, aresecondarytodoingtherightthingtherightway.Mother Teresa lived with and served the most desperate souls in

Calcutta,India,forforty-fiveyears.Fewofusarecalledtoherlifestyleormission,but I believeall ofus canbenefit byadoptingher attitudeandpassionforputtingtheloveofothersovertheresultsofthatlove.I can’t prevent a trusted mentor or friend or family member from

lettingmedown,butIcancontrolmyattitudeaboutthatperson.Ican’tforcecustomers,co-workers,andvendorsintoaSecond,Third,FourthorFifth Floor relationship, but I can give them every opportunity andreason to make that ascent with me. And I can find joy in therelationshipnomatterwhatthelevel.It’seasiertosaythat,ofcourse,thantoliveit,andIstruggleasmuch

asanyonedoes(andsometimesmore).Weallwanttobeliked.Noneof

us enjoys rejection. But when you find yourself trying to launch arelationshipwithsomeonewhoshowslittleinterest,therearethingsyoucandoto limitorease thepotential fordisappointment. Insomecasestheywillevenlayafoundationforgettingtherelationshipontrack.First,exercisepatience.This isn’talwayseasyforme. I’mthesortofguywhowantstoseemyideasimplementedyesterday.Itendtomoveat full speed,andat times I tripovermyown feetor steponpeople’stoes.Butpatienceisakeywhenbuildingrelationships.Ifyoupushtoohardortoofast,youcanoffendothersandcausethemtowithdraw.Youwanttobepersistent,butwithoutbeingastalkeroranag.Youhavetorecognizewhenit’stimetosimplymoveon.IhadtoaskJilloutabouttwentytimesbeforeshesaidyes.ButIknewshewastheloveofmylife.Inbusiness,ifIseetherelationshipisgoingnowhereafteranumberofattempts,I’llmoveon—althoughalwayswithawillingnesstocirclebackifanopportunitypresentsitself.You can’t take rejection personally. Sure, there are timeswhen youmake mistakes in building a relationship. If your attempt to make acontact meets with rejection, do a quick self-assessment of youroutreach.Trytolearnfromyourmistakes.Buttherealsoaretimeswhenithasabsolutelynothingatalltodowithyou.Thereareallsortsofreasonswhysomeonemightnotbereceptivetobuildinga relationshipwithyou. Itmightbe thatyourpersonalitiesorinterests are just toodifferent.There’s a reasonyoucanusually findaburgerjoint,apizzaplace,andaChineserestaurantallwithinthreeorfourblocksofeachother.Peoplehavedifferenttastes.Theremaybesomethinghappening inanotherperson’s life—outsideyour control—that’s preventing him or her from investing in arelationshipatthistime.Themarketingvicepresidentonyour“needtoknow” list might be distracted by a troubled teenage daughter. Thecontractor youwant tomeetmight be overwhelmed by the impact offalling sales, or by the collapse of his IRA. The CEOwho promises tomeet you for lunch but never puts it on his calendarmight be underextremepressurefromtheboard,orbattlingahostiletakeoverattempt.WhenIkeeprunningintoabrickwallinmyattemptstoconnectwithsomeone, sometimes I’ll send a note saying something like, “Sorrywe

haven’tbeenabletogettogether.Irealizeyouhavealotgoingonrightnow.Whenthedustsettles,maybewecanreconnect.”ThenImoveon.Moreoftenthannot,Idiscoverthatitsimplywasn’ttherighttime.The other thing to remember is that some people aren’t naturallyinclinedtocreatenewrelationships.Yes,theycouldbebetteratit,butyoucan’t force someone toconnectwithothers. In somerelationships,you’re going to have to be the one who initiates most of yourencounters.I have friends I call all the time and who I know love meunconditionally,butwhoalmostnevercallme.Infact,myfatherislikethat.Mydadismyhero.Hedefinesunconditionallove.He’samentorandmy best friend. But I can count on two hands how many times he’spickedupthephoneandcalledme,orhowmanytimeshe’swrittenmealetterwhenitdidn’tinvolvemybirthdayorChristmas.When I call him, however, I know from the excitement in his voicethathe’sgladtohearfromme.Wetalktwoorthreetimesaweek,andhe’ll stayonthephonewithmeforas longas Iwant to talk.Should Itakeoffensebecauseheseldomdialsmynumber?ShouldIgoamonthwithoutcallinghimjusttomakeapoint,topunishhim?Ofcoursenot!Iknow my dad’s heart. But I also know his personality. He’s genuine,authentic,andhumble,buthe’salsoabitintroverted.Noteveryonecanbe thepersonwho invitespeopleover,or initiatesphone calls, or is the life of the party. You can’t put expectations onotherstobelikeyou,norcanyougiveintounduepressuretobecomelikesomeoneelse.It’salessonI’velearnedthehardwayovertheyears.I have certainly had unfair and unrealistic expectations of people attimes. Iwantedpeople to treatme theway I treated them.When theydidn’t,itleftmehurtanddisappointed.Butitwasn’ttheirfault—itwasmine.Livingwithunfairexpectations—ofourselvesandofothers—canleadtorelationshipparalysis.Wethinkotherpeopledon’tlikeusorthattheyaren’tdoingenoughtonurturearelationshipwithus,sowesimplystoptrying.Andthatguaranteesonething:relationshipfailure.AsthehockeylegendWayneGretzkyoncesaid,“Youmissonehundredpercentofthe

shotsyoudon’ttake.”Whenitcomestobuildingrelationships,wemisswithsomeshots,andsomegetdeflectedorrejected.Butweneverscorewiththeshotswedon’ttake.

RelationShifter

Whenarelationshipjustdoesn’tworkout,moveon.Allyoucandois to reach out in the right way and let what happens happen.Exercise patience. Don’t take rejection personally—youmight notknowwhat’sgoingonintheotherperson’slife.

SECTIONTHREE

ThePowerofNetgiving

O

Chapter18

MakingBusinessPersonal

ne of the hardest things about writing a book about buildingrelationships,Iquicklydiscovered,isthetendencytoturnitintoanother book about “networking.” When I told people I was

working on a book, some well-meaning friends and colleagues saidthings like, “Tommy, you’re one of themost networked guys I’ve evermet.Idon’tknowanyonewhoknowsmorepeoplethanyouknow.Youcouldwriteakillerbookonnetworking.”And while I’m not exactly sure how you’d score such a thing, I

wouldn’t argue their point. I can touch down in just about anymajorAmericancity,aswellasmanyforeigncountries,andfindcontactsthatI’vedevelopedovertheyears,peoplewhoknowmeandwouldwelcomemewithoutanyadvancenotice—people,youcouldsay,whoarepartofthe“TommySpauldingnetwork.”So I could write a book just on developing networks. And I could

developabusinessjustaroundhelpingothersdeveloptheirnetworkingskills.As one friendput it, “Tommy, you can get rich teachingpeoplehowtomakepeoplelikethem.”The idea ofwriting a book about networking, however, appealed to

meaboutasmuchasalongbathinboilingoil.That’sbecausealthoughI’m extremely well connected and extremely good at networking, Iabsolutelydetestthemodernunderstandingofwhatnetworkingmeans.Here’stheproblem:networkingisshallow.Ifyouseeitasjustastrategy,it’sshallow.Andwhenyoupulloutthe

tactics that make it work, they are shallow too. Networking, in thepopular business sense, has become all about First and Second Floortransactionalrelationships.Putsimply,that’snotme.I set out to write a book about somethingmore when it comes to

creating personal and professional relationships. But I struggledwhenever I started writing about the practical or “how to” parts ofrelationshipbuilding.Andaftera sleeplessnightduringabusiness triptoNorthCarolina,Irealizedwhy.Ikepthearingthemessagemyfriendtold me when I first talked about writing a book: “You can get richteachingpeoplehowtomakepeoplelikethem.”What’swrongwiththat?Twothings.First,I’mnotwritingabooktohelpothers“getrich.”Tobemoresuccessful,yes.Buttomakemoremoney—thathasneverbeenthethingthathasmotivatedme.And,second,andevenmoreimportant,Ihavenodesiretoteachothershowto“make”peoplelikethem.Plentyofbooksofferlistsoftacticsthatteachyouto“get”friendssoyoucanmakemoremoney.Iwanttooffersomethingmore—somethingbetter. Something thatwill change your career, change your business,andchangeyourlife.You can (and should)makemoney along theway. I’m certainly notanti-wealth.We all have toprovide for our families, and themorewemake, the more we can give. I just believe that if “getting” is yourprimarygoal,thenyou’remissingsomethingmuch,muchbigger.Thetruthis,youcan’tmakepeoplelikeyou.You can tie abonearoundyourneckandget thedogs toplaywithyou.Andyoucancomeupwithsimilar tacticswithpeople.You’llwinsome Second Floor and maybe even a few Third Floor friends andcustomers, your business may grow, you’ll most likely make moremoney, and you’ll be able to tell people that you’re incredibly“networked.”Itwillallseemgreatatfirst,untilyouwakeuponenight(asIdidyearsago)andrealizehowlittleitallreallymeans.Initself,networkingisn’tbad.It’sjustnotenough.Withapaintbrushandacanofpaint,youcancreatechaosorbeauty;italldependsuponwhat’s in your heart. The same is true of networking. When a heartcentered on others drives your actions, networking is replaced bysomethingfar,farmorepowerful—Netgiving.Networkingisallaboutyou.Netgivingisallaboutothers.Networkingisallaboutcollectingcontactsandusingthosecontactsforpersonalgain.Netgivingisallaboutbuildingrelationshipsthathelpothersaroundyou

succeed.Networkingisaboutwinningfriendsandinfluencingpeopleforpersonal gain. Netgiving is about influencing friends to make adifference.Networking is about business in aworld inwhich businessisn’tpersonal.Netgivingisaboutintentionallymakingbusinesspersonal.Netgiving, to put it boldly, is about love. That’s themost importantingredient in developing relationships that make life and businesssomethinggreaterthanjustwhoweknow.Without love, you’ll never takea relationship to theFourthFloororthe Fifth Floor. All of your relationshipswill feel empty. The businesscards you collect at the typical conference or networking event willnever become anything more than a mess of three-and-a-half-inch bytwo-inchpiecesofpaper.Thisisthemessagethebusinessworldsooftencan’tseemtoembrace.In individual relationships, we’re all for love. It’s a great idea for do-gooder nonprofits and starry-eyed newly-weds. But it has no place inbusiness.WhenTinaTurnerwonaGrammyin1985for“What’sLoveGottoDowithIt?”sheprobablydidn’trealizeshe’drecordedthethemesongforthemodernhard-linebusinessworld.Yet,manyofthemostfinanciallysuccessfulbusinessleadersintheworldwillsayjustthatwhenitcomestobusiness:What’slovegottodowithit?AsDonaldTrumpputsit:“Businessisaboutmakingmoney.It’saboutthe bottom line. The sooner you realize that it’s not personal, it’sbusiness,thesooneryou’llmakeittothetopinthebusinessworld.I’moften surprised by people who think business is something else. Theycomeinwithloftyideasandphilanthropicpurposesthathaveabsolutelynoplaceinabusinessmeeting.It’sawasteofeveryone’stime.”*

Ifallyou’reinterestedinismakingmoney,thenTrump’sadvicemakesperfectsense.Youcantakeallthetips,tactics,andstrategiesIofferedintheearlier chapters and runwith them.But leaders likeTrumpmiss ahugepointwhen itcomes to thehumansideofbusiness.Theysee the“personal”asaroadblocktosuccess,becausethe“personal”cancloudaleader’s decision-makingprocess. The irony is that the leaderswho letthe “personal” cloud their business decisions usually are “loving” toolittle,nottoomuch.

Whatmanyleadershaveisafaultyunderstandingofwhatitmeansto“love” someone forward. When we really love someone, we’recommittedtothatperson’sbestinterests.Thatistrueofouremployees,co-workers, vendors, clients—all of our contacts, even the ones wehardlyknow.What’sthislooklike?Let’s say your spouse comes to you and saysCousin Jimmyneeds a

job. Cousin Jimmy isn’t qualified for any of the job openings in yourcompany,butyouloveyourspouseandyouwanttokeepthepeaceinthefamily.DonaldTrumpwouldsaynottogivehimajobbecauseit’sbad forbusiness.Youcan tell Jimmyandyour spouse the same thing:“It’snotpersonal,it’sbusiness.”Iwouldsaysomethingslightlydifferent.Iwouldsaydon’tgivehimajob,becauseit’snotinhisbestinteresttobeinajobhewon’tenjoyandforwhichheisn’tqualified.Youlovehimtoomuchtoallowthat.Instead,helphimfindtheright jobsomewhereelse.It’sbusiness,andyetit’stotallypersonal.

* Inside Trump Tower, Issue 14: http://www.trumpuniversity.com/mynetwork/inside-trump-tower/issue14.cfm

T

Chapter19

BeyondNetworking

herealanswertoTinaTurner’squestion—What’s lovegot todowithit?—isquitesimple:everything.Mostofus areOKwith the idea thatwe loveour familyand

friends.Yetwespendatleastasmuchtimeatworkaswedowithfamilyandfriends.Whywouldn’twelovethepeopleinthatcircleofourlivesas well? Why would we segment the most powerful emotion in theuniverseoutof thepartofour liveswherewecommit somuchofourtime,resources,andenergy?So if business is personal and love is the most important part of

building meaningful relationships in business, then what does it takewithinustomakebusinesspersonal?Whatdoesittaketomakelovepartofwhoweareprofessionally?Whatdoes it take toembracenetgiving,and make networking a by-product of who we are, not a function ofwhat we do? What does it take to move beyond transactionalrelationships?What does it take to put others first and trust that ourneedswon’tgounmet?Whatdoesittaketobecomeselflessratherthanselfish?What does it take to give relationships significance on the First,

Second,andThird floors, and tomove them to theFourthFloororallthewaytothePenthouse?Toanswerthosecriticalquestions,wehavetogobeyondnetworking,

because networking, by itself, involves nothingmore than self-servingmanipulative skills and techniques to get people to like us. The goodnews is that going beyond networking is something anyone can learn.It’s not just for the select few extroverts who are born with certainqualitiesorgifts.Buthere’stherub:It’sachoice.

Beforeanyofuscanreallyadvancewhenitcomestobuildingdeep,meaningfulrelationships,wefirstmustmakeachoicetoloveothers—inbusinessaswellasinourpersonallives.Thatmeansweputtheneedsofothersaheadofourown.Itmeanswe’rewillingtosacrifice.Itmeansourdecision-makingprocessstartswith“HowcanIhelp?”not“WhatcanIget?”Itmeansourlitmustestmustbetostriveforsignificance,notjustsuccess.If we don’t first make that choice, then everything we do when itcomestobuildingrelationshipsultimatelywillfail.Simplystated,wehavetobeauthentic.Authenticity is the one of the keys to successfully building genuinerelationships. The other keys are humility, empathy, confidentiality,vulnerability,curiosity,generosity,humor,andgratitude.Thesearethetraitsthattouchupon“whoyouare,”andtheyarethethingsthatgivemeaning and purpose to what you do. They will give meaning andpowertoallofyourrelationships.Infact,youcan’ttakearelationshiptothePenthousewithoutthem.Focusingonwhowearerequiresacertainlevelofself-awareness.Forinstance, I’m a hugger. When I meet people, even people I haven’tknownvery long, Ioftengivethemahug. It’swhoIam.Manypeoplearen’thuggers.Ifyouaren’tahugger,don’tfakeit.Inotherwords,knowyourself.Beauthentic.I believe, however, that we all can develop minimal levels ofcompetency in all of these essential areas. You can’t fake authenticity,humility, empathy, or gratitude, and you can’t compromise onconfidentiality.Butyoucangrowinvulnerability,curiosity,generosity,andhumor.Youcanmakeacommitmenttomakeandkeepallofthoseareasapriorityinyourlife.Youmight never tell jokes like Jerry Seinfeld or Jimmy Fallon, butyoucanlearntoseethelightersideoflifeanddevelopyourownuniquesenseofhumor.Youdon’thavetoactandthinklikeEbenezerScrooge.Doyoufind ithardtoopenupaboutyourself? I’mnotsuggestingthatyouforceyourselftotelleveryoneyourdarkestsecrets.Butanyonecanbeopenandvulnerablewiththerightpeopleintherightcircumstances;doingsowilldeepenyour relationshipsandmakeapositivechange in

yourlife.Solet’slookalittlecloseratthoseninetraits.

A

Chapter20

Authenticity:MakingRelationshipsReal

uthenticity is often the first hurdle in developing ameaningfulrelationship.The idea thatyougenuinelycareaboutothershastoberealandpure,andothershavetoseeitandbelieveit.

Unfortunately,thatkindofselflessnesshasbecomesuchararityinourculture that many people don’t believe it when they see it. We’vebecome cynical, jaded, and suspicious. We see people who appear togive, give, give, and our reaction isn’t “Wow,what a special person!”Insteadwethink,“What’sthecatch?What’sthehiddenagenda?What’sinitforhim?”MarkUrich,theexecutivevicepresidentofalargeinsurancecompany

whom I introduced you to earlier, is one of the most genuine andauthenticpeopleIknow.Hedoesn’tpretendtobesomethingorsomeonehe’s not. He’s comfortable in his own skin, as the saying goes. So henaturally seeks out relationshipswith other peoplewho are authentic,andsometimesittakestimetoknowwhoisrealandwhoisfakingit.Infact,MarkhadquestionsaboutmymotiveswhenheandIfirstmet.

And he’s not alone. It doesn’t botherme; I know how often people—includingme—havebeenburnedbypeoplepretendingtobesomethingthey’renot.We’veallfallenfortoo-good-to-be-truerelationships.ImetMarkin2008throughLeader’sChallenge.Itwasn’tlongbefore

heandhiswife,Kate,invitedJillandmeoutfordinner.Onthewaytothe restaurant,he turned tohiswife and said, “I can’twait foryou tomeetTommy. I reallywant togetyouropinionofhim.He’seither themostgenuinepersonI’veevermetorthebiggestphonyontheplanet.”Withoutmyknowingit,dinnerhadbecomesomethingofatestofmy

authenticity.As the evening progressed, I asked them dozens of questions. Both

MarkandKatelaterconfessedthattheylearnedthingsabouteachotherthattheyhadn’tknown.Ialsoendeduphavingawonderfulone-on-oneconversationwithKateaboutthethingsthatweregoingoninherlife.Itoldhertidbitsfrommylife,especiallythosethatrelatedtohersituation.Shetoldmeaboutastressfulupcomingevent—avisitfromadifficultrelativewithwhomshedidn’thaveagreatrelationship.Theveryideaofthevisithadhertwistedinknots.Aweeklater,onthedaytherelativewasscheduledtoarrive,IcalledKateandleftheramessage.ItoldherIwasthinkingaboutherandthatI’d been praying all week that the visit would go smoothly andpeacefully.Ididn’tdoanyofthistoscorepointswithherorwithMark.Isimplycalled because I cared about her. I wanted her to know that ourconversation over dinner had made an impact on me. Sometimes itmakesabigdifferencejustknowingthatsomeoneelseoutthereknowsaboutyourstrugglesandcaresaboutyou.Itendtomakedozensofcallslike thatduringtheweek.Noneof themaredesignedto“makepeoplelike me.” I call them because I care, and I’ve found that eventuallypeopleseethat.Marksaidasmuchthenexttimewetalked.“Whenyoutookthetimetocallmywife,”hesaid,“Iknewyouweretherealdeal.”Authenticityisn’tsomethingweestablishorprovewithaone-timeactof kindness, however. It’s something people see in us when they arearound us. And whether they see it or not really isn’t the point. Thepointisthis:weneedtoliveit.Ifwereallycareaboutothersandweliveit out, that’s enough. But if we fake it, peoplewillmost certainly seethrough the façade, and whatever relationships we build on thatfoundationwilleventuallyfallapart.

Y

Chapter21

Empathy:SettingaCornerstoneforTrust

ou can’t lead with greatness without genuinely caring aboutothers, and you can’t care about others until you can learn toempathizewiththem.It’snotsomethingyoucanfake.

Showing empathy for othersmakes it clear that you care. It createstrust.Andtrustisacriticalstepinbuildingeffectiveteamsandcreatingtransformationalrelationships.Empathyallowsustounderstandthepeopleweworkfor,thepeople

whoworkforus,ourclients,ourcustomers,ourvendors—everyonewithwhomwecome into contact.Thatallows for two importantoutcomes:first,weearnaleveloftrustandrespectthatallowsustotellsomeonethetruth,candidly,evenwhenit’sdifficult;second,itpermitsustoseethebiggerpicture,whichisespeciallyimportantinbusiness.Much of the time, empathy is good for the bottom line. If you’re a

retailerwho is empathetic toward your elderly customers, you’ll stocktheitemstheymostwanttobuyonthelowershelvessotheycanreachthemmoreeasily.Youdothisbecauseyoucare.Butguesswhat?Yoursaleswillgoupaswell.Empathysometimesleadsustomakeadecisionthatgoesagainstthe

bottom-linerecommendationsofadrycost-analysisreport.Inthe1970s,for instance, the FordMotorCompany’s recall director evaluatedwhatsomesawasaflawinthedesignoftheirsubcompactcar,thePinto,andhe came to some clear conclusions: first, that a rear-end collision atthirty miles an hour or higher would cause the fuel tank to rupture;second,thatarupturedtankwouldlikelyleadtosignificantinjuriesordeathtothedriverandpassengers;third,thattheflawcouldbefixedforabout eleven dollars per vehicle; and, fourth, that the overall cost ofsucharecallwouldbemorethantheanticipatedcostofpayingclaimsfromlawsuitsthatmightresultfromtheaccidents.

Followthehard-lineideathatmakingbusinesspersonalisa“wasteofeverybody’stime,”andthechoiceisclear:don’trecallthePinto.Butifyou have empathy for your customers—if you can visualize your bestfriend driving around in a faulty Pinto—then the choice is equallyobvious: fix theproblem.(Fordeventually issuedarecallon thePinto,butonlyafterconsiderablepressure fromtheNationalHighwayTrafficSafetyAdministration.)Whenempathysuggeststhatwegoagainstwhatappearsbestforthebottom line, it creates adilemma thatmanyhard-linebusiness leadersdon’twanttoface:ifyoucan’tdotherightthingandstillmakeaprofit,thentheanswerisn’ttodothewrongthing;theansweristofindanewbusiness.Nobusinesswillsurvivelongifitcan’tmakeaprofit;butnobusinessdeservestosurviveatallifitcan’tmakeapositivedifferenceinthelivesofitsemployees,customers,clients,andcommunity.

H

Chapter22

Vulnerability:OpeningaWindowintoYourInnerWorld

umberto Lopez lives in Tucson, Arizona, where he owns andrunsHSLProperties.HSL’sholdingsownapartmentcomplexes,office buildings, and hotels in six states. They’re the single

largestapartmentownerinsouthernArizona.Inotherwords,Humbertohasdoneverywellfinancially;he’saccustomedtopeopleaskinghimtoinvestintheirstartupcompanyortogivetotheircharity.WhenHumbertoandIfirstmet,webothknewthatIwasseekinghis

supportforUpwithPeople.JimClick,amutualfriend,hadintroducedus.WemetacoupleoftimeswiththeexpresspurposeofmysharingUpwithPeople’svisionwithhimsohecoulddecide ifandhowhemightgetinvolved.Ingeneral,Humbertoisafriendlybut“guarded”person.Thatquickly

became pretty clear in our first few business meetings. He kept hispersonallifeclosetothevest.SoI foundmyselfatacrossroads inmyrelationshipwithHumberto.

Ontheonehand,IfeltconfidentthatweconnectedandthathebelievedinUpwithPeopleenough thathewould support it.We’dhavedinnerand play golf once or twice a year. Our relationship would find acomfortablehomeontheThirdFloor.On the other hand, I sensed that Humberto might be interested in

being much, much more than a donor. I sensed that he needed realfriendship inhis life,notanothercause. I thoughtourrelationshiphadthe potential to move beyond news, sports, and weather—and evenbusiness.SoIneveraskedHumbertoforadonation.Instead,Iopeneduptohim

andsoughthiscounsel.Mybiggeststrugglesatthattimerevolvedaroundmytravelschedule.

My job with Up with People kept me on the road constantly, whichmeant it kept me away from my wife and young children. I neverthought I’d love anything more than working and traveling, but I’dmoved into a new stage of life. I missed Jill, Anthony, Caroline, andTate,andlongedtospendmoretimewiththem.IsharedthiswithHumberto.Infact,hewasoneofthefirstpeopleItold that Iwas thinkingof leavingUpwithPeople and that the traveldemandswereabigpartofthereasonwhy.At thatpoint,Humbertohad todecidehow to react tomyopennessandvulnerability.Notonlydidhelistenempathicallytomychallengesand offer encouragement, but this very privateman opened up tomeaboutsomeofhispersonalchallenges.Becausehewasabusinessleaderofsomenote,someofthepersonalproblemsinhismarriagehadbecomepublic.HiswillingnesstosharethemoreprivateaspectsofthatstrugglehelpedtotakeourrelationshiptotheFifthFloor.OurconversationswentfromNSWtoNBS—NoBullshit.I’mnotsureIhave another friendwho speaksmore candidly tome aboutwhat I’mdoingornotdoing,orwhoallowsmetospeakmorecandidlytohim.Many people—men in particular—struggle with the notion ofvulnerability.Butinmyexperience,eventhemostprivateofindividualscanletthemselvesbeextremelyvulnerablewhentheyfindthemselvesinasafe, trustingenvironment.Ourearliermeetings turnedout tobe thefoundationforcreatingthatenvironment.Notlongago,Humbertosentmeaseriesoftextmessages.Inone,hesaidIwasoneofthefewfriendshehadwhoneverjudgedhim.Iknowwhatit’sliketofeeljudged.Wealldo.Thatcomplimentwasoneofthenicest,mostaffirmingthingsanyonecouldsaytome.We’remost vulnerablewith thosewho don’t judge us—or, to put itanotherway,withthosewhoextendtoustheirgrace.Whenweofferit—andwhenwefinditfromothers—we’reabletoletgoofourprideandtakesomeriskswhenitcomestolettingotherpeopleseeusforwhowereallyare—notjustthepartswe’dlikeforthemtosee.Thistypeofvulnerabilityisn’teasy—andit’sanotherthingthatcan’tbefaked.Butit’sessentialinestablishingdeep,meaningfulrelationships.Moving from a transactional to a transformational relationship is

impossiblewithoutvulnerability.Wehavetobewillingtoopenup—togo beyond news, sports, and weather—and share what’s reallyimportant,evenpainful,inourlives.Ifweonlypresentan“everything isperfect”mentality,peoplewon’ttrustusandfollowus.Why?Becausetheyknoweverythingisn’tperfect.Thewaytoearntrustistoshowourlessflatteringsides,ourpainaswellas our progress—sometimes even our “shadow” side. It’s essential tolistentoothers,butalsotosharefromtheheartinthespiritofhumility.Thedeeperthelevelofvulnerabilitybetweentwopeople,thedeepertherelationship grows and the better chance you have to reach the FifthFloor.

I

Chapter23

Confidentiality:LivingtheLawoftheVault

nformationispower.Whenfriends,clients,co-workers,orcustomerstrustuswithdelicateandconfidentialinformation,they’retakingaleapoffaith—faithinourcommitmenttolivingoutwhatIcallthe

“responsibilityofvulnerability”ortheLawoftheVault.TheLawoftheVault says that in Fourth and Fifth Floor relationships, you guardsensitiveandprivateinformationaboutotherslikethegoldatFortKnox.Thisistruenotonlywithpersonalrelationships,butwithprofessional

relationshipswith clients, customers, vendors, and co-workers.We canstrengthen those relationships by trusting each other with sensitiveinformation.Buttherelationshipisonlyassecureasthevaultthatkeepsthatinformationlockedup.It’s hard to underestimate the value of vulnerability and

confidentiality when building relationships with the leader of anorganization. That’s why these traits became such a big part of myrelationship with Steve Ballard, the chancellor of East CarolinaUniversity.ChancellorBallard and Imet in 2007when Iwas givenECU’sMost

OutstandingAlumniAward. Jill and I flew toNorthCarolinawithmyfatherandhiswife,Angie.IacceptedtheawardduringabanquethostedbytheECUAlumniAssociationandgaveashortthank-youspeechtotheuniversity’strustees,faculty,andstaff.Steveenjoyedmyspeechenoughtoinvitemebackthefollowingyearasthecommencementspeakerfortheschool’scentennialgraduationceremony.During my trip for the commencement address, Steve and I got a

chancetositdownandreallytalk.IgottohearabouthisvisionforEastCarolina.HelivesandbreathesthetypeofleadershipIadmireandlongto liveoutmyself.He toldmehewantedEastCarolina tobecome thenation’s finest “leadership university”—where every one of the nearly

28,000 students graduates with experience in leadership development.We connected almost immediately and spent hours talking about ourideasanddreams.Later, when I accepted the position as leader-in-residence at ECU, IbegantravelingtothecampusaweekeachmonthtohelpSteve’sseniorteamdeveloptheschool’sleadershipinstitute.AndeverytimeIcametotown,SteveandIwouldhavelunchordinnertogether.Wesoondevelopedarelationshipthatallowedustoshareinformationwecouldn’tsharewithothers.LifeastheCEOofalargeorganizationisattimesaverylonelyjob,andauniversitychancellorlivesthatreality.Thefearsandchallengesachancellorfacescanweighheavily,especiallywhenthereareveryfewpeoplehecanconfide in.WhenSteveopeneduptome,itwasanopportunityforourrelationshiptogrow.During that time, Steve interviewed for the top position at KansasState University. Because very few people knew Kansas State wascourtingSteve,Icalledhimalmosteverydaytomakesureheknewhehadatrustedfriendhecouldtalkwithwhileweighingthatdecision.Onhiswaytotheinterview,hecalledtotellmehowmuchhelovedECU,and that he felt he had unfinished work there, especially with theleadershipinstitute.Thenagain,KansasStatewasagreatuniversityandofferedhimawonderfulopportunity.Ididn’ttellStevewhattodo—Ijustlistenedandaskedquestionsanddid my best to support him throughout this difficult decision. Heeventually decided to stay at ECU. The fact that he interviewed laterbecamepublicknowledge,butthedetailshesharedwithmeduringthatdifficult time remain private—locked securely in a vault ofconfidentiality.That’sthekindofpromiseyouhavetobeabletomaketoanyonewhoshares sensitive information with you. It’s the kind of commitment IexpectbeforeI’lltellsomeonesomethingImightnotwantbroadcasttoall the world. The Law of the Vault canmake or break relationships.We’ve all known someone in our personal and professional lives wholeakedconfidentialinformation.Ontheotherhand,whenwe’reabletopromise that level of trust and confidentiality, the power of therelationshipgrowsexponentially.

W

Chapter24

Curiosity:ThePowerofAskingQuestions

e’re born curious. Somewhere along the way, however, wesettle into the comfortable routines of life, andwe only askwho,what,when,where,andwhywhenweneedananswer

orsolutiontoaproblem.WhenIwasonlyfouryearsold,Iwaswalkingwithmydad,andIwas

pepperinghimwithallsortsofquestions.ThenIstoppedandsaid,“Dad,amIaskingtoomanyquestions?”He lookedatmeandsaid,“Youcanneverasktoomanyquestions,Tommy.That’showyoulearn.”When Iwas in elementary school,my sister Lisa—older thanme by

twoyears—wasaGirlScoutBrownie;mymotherwasthetroopleader.She took the girls to the courthouse, the fire station, the local dairy—wherever she thought theymight learn something interesting.And shetookmewiththem.I’dsitintheback—theonlyboywithatroopfullofgirls—andwatch

and listenuntil the timecame for theBrownies toaskquestions.Moreoften thannot, I shotmyhandupandasked something.Then I askedsomething else. And something else. The Brownies almost never got achancetoaskanything.ButmymothernevertoldmeIwasoutofline.She echoedmy dad’swords: “Tommy, that’s how you get smart,” shesaid.“Neverstopaskingquestions.”So I never stopped asking people questions, and I never stopped

listeningtotheanswers.Dadcallsmean“intenselistener.”Ibelievethatcomes from my sense of curiosity—the desire not only to ask but tolisten,understand,andremembertheanswers.BuildingPenthouserelationshipsismoreaboutthedepositswemake

thanaboutthedurationofourinvestments,andthere’snoeasierwaytomake deposits than by developing—or redeveloping—a sense ofcuriosity. Building meaningful relationships is more about asking

questions thanaboutansweringquestions.Whenweaskquestionsandlisten,wemakedepositsratherthanwithdrawals.WhenImetthebartenderwhilewaitingformyturntointerviewfortheRotaryInternationalAmbassadorialScholarship,allIdidwasdisplaymynaturalcuriosityaboutwhohewasandwhathislifewaslike.BeforeIknewit,hehadafamilyphotoalbumopenedonthebarandwewerelaughingaboutstories fromhisyouth.WhenwehaddinnerwithMarkandKate,Ididn’tstartoffbyaskingKatetotellmethethingsinlifethathadhertroubled.Istartedwithsimple,open-endedquestions.ButthenIdidn’tstop.Wekeptpeelingbacktheonionuntilwegottowhatreallymattered.That type of curiosity paves the way for vulnerability and allowsrelationshipstomoveoffthelowerfloorsandtowardsignificance.

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Chapter25

Generosity:ActingonYourAwareness

hespiritofgenerosity leadstosimpleactsofgivingtoothers inneed—whetherit’shelpingaco-workerfinishaproject,helpinganeighbor shovel his sidewalk, or giving time or money to buy

shoesforachildinEthiopia.In business, corporate giving is planned. But generosity can also

involveempoweringemployeesandtakingtheinitiativeto“dotherightthing”whencircumstancespresentthemselves.Actingoutofgenerosityheightensourawarenessabout theneedsof

others(empathy)andbuildstrustwiththosearoundus.Ifwewantourco-workers and customers and vendors to trust us, we have to showthemthatwecareaboutthem.Butwealsohavetoshowthemthatwecare about other people—people who offer us nothing but a heartfeltthank-you(andsometimesnoteventhat).ThisistheattitudeKurtandBrendaWarnerembodywhentheygoout

todinnerwiththeirsevenchildren.There was a time when the Warners scraped by from paycheck to

paycheck,withKurtstockingshelvesatagrocerystorewhenhewasn’tplayingquarterback in the low-payingArenaFootballLeague.Then, in1998,he got a call. TheSt. LouisRamsneededa reservequarterback.Next thing you know, Kurt was on the Rams’ roster. And when thestarting quarterback suffered an injury in 1999, Kurt stepped in. Theformerstockboywasonhisway tobecomingaSuperBowlchampionandtwo-timeMVPoftheNationalFootballLeague.After Kurt became an NFL celebrity, he and his wife noticed that

restaurantmanagersoften“comped”theirdinner.Thismadelittlesense,givenhowmuchhemadeasanNFLquarterback.SotheWarnersturnedthings around, giving their kids a lesson in generosity in the process.Nowwhenthefamilygoesout,theybuydinnerforsomeoneelse.They

dotheirbesttodoitanonymously.Theyletoneofthechildrenpicktherecipient.After leavingSt.LouisandspendingashortstintwiththeNewYorkGiants,WarnerendedupwiththeArizonaCardinals,whereheledthemto a 2009 Super Bowl appearance against the Pittsburgh Steelers. TheFridaynightbeforetheSuperBowl,heandhisfamilywereeatingout,so they held to their tradition and bought dinner for some folks at anearbytable—twentySteelersfans.IdoubtthatKurtchangedtheirallegiancefortheSundayshowdown,butheprobablyboughtsomegoodwill.Moreimportant,hehonoredhischildren’schoiceandsetanexampleforhowtogiveunconditionally—eventoopposingfans.

O

Chapter26

Humility:TheGiftofPerspective

ne of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard about humility isattributedtoDonShula,theHallofFamefootballcoach.Shulacoachedthirty-threeyearsintheNationalFootballLeague,and

his347–173–6 record is thebest in the league’shistory.Mostof thoseyearswerewiththeMiamiDolphins,ateamhetooktotheSuperBowlfive times. His Dolphins won it all twice, once while going 17–0 tobecometheNFL’sonlyundefeatedchampion.Needless to say, Don Shula is a national celebrity. In south Florida,

there aren’tmany public places he can gowhere fans don’t recognizehim.Asthestorygoes,oneyearwhileonvacationinaremoteareainNew

Hampshire, Shula took his family to an old-fashioned single-screenmovietheater.Astheywalkedinandbegantakingseatsneartheback,the small group seated near the front stood and applauded for a fewseconds.“I can’t even go to a small town in New Hampshire without being

recognized,”Shulawhisperedtohiswife.After themovie,hebegan talking tooneof the localsas theyexited

thetheater.Shuladecidedtoaskhimabouttheovation.“When Iwalked in,youall gavemea standingovation,”he said. “I

wassurprisedyourecognizedme.”“Buddy,Idon’tknowwhoyouare,”themansaid.“Ijustknowthere

wereonlyeightpeopleinthetheaterandtheydon’tstartthemovieuntilthetenthpersonshowsup.”When we take ourselves too seriously, something almost always

happens to bring us back to reality! It’s easy for success to go to ourheads. When things are going our way, we tend to take the credit—

especiallyifothersareeagertogiveittous.Overtime,however,arrogancepoisonsrelationships.People follow leaders who have humble hearts. If we don’t havehumility, others might respect our accomplishments, but they won’ttrulyengagewithusandfollowus.Andtheycertainlywon’tjoinusonthe Fifth Floor. We might have positional authority, but we lackrelationalauthority.Andpositionalauthorityonlytakesussofar.Stayinghumble isn’teasywhenwe’reclimbing thecorporate ladder,startingacompany,andtryingtomakeanameforourselvesinaworldthatoftenonlypaysattentiontoself-promotersandsqueakywheels.Butthehumblerweare,thebetterwecanleadothers.Thisisparticularlyimportantintimesofconflictand/orfailure.Howwe deal with challenges demonstrates our humility as well as ourcharacter.Goodleaderspointtheirfingerattheirteamsandco-workerswhen the team is successful. Great leaders point their finger atthemselveswhentheteamfails.JohnWooden,perhapsthegreatestbasketballcoachinNCAAhistory,putitthisway:“TalentisGod-given;behumble.Fameisman-given;bethankful.Conceitisself-given;becareful.”

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Chapter27

Humor:LivingwithLevity

umilityhelpsustakeownershipofourmistakesandflaws,andwemightaswelldo thatwithahealthy senseofhumor.Whybeat ourselves up over our failings, and risk losing our self-

confidence?Whyprojectanegativevisionofourselves?NoonewantstofollowEeyoreintheHundredAcreWood.Seeingthehumorinourshortcomingsandintheworldarounduscan

act as a great stress reducer. It allows us to turn bad situations intosomethinggood,oratleastsomethingbearable.Anditcanbeusedasatooltogrowrelationships.During my time as leader-in-residence at East Carolina, I always

stayed at the same hotel—the Hilton in Greenville, North Carolina.Whenyoustayatthesameplaceforaweekeachmonthforayear,yougettoknowthestaffprettywell,andtheygettoknowyou.Duringonestay,thingsdidn’tgoparticularlywell.Ialwaysrequested

andgotanonsmokingroom,buton this trip theyassignedmearoomthat reeked of tobacco smoke. Theymovedme to another room, but,again,itreekedofsmoke.BythetimeIfoundatrulysmoke-freeroom,I’dchangedthreetimes.The next month, I checked in and went to my room and noticed

immediately that there was no lingering odor of cigarettes. Then Inoticedsomethingelse—agiftbasketonthebed.Themanagerwantedto show his appreciation for me as a customer, apologize for theproblemsfrommyprevioustrip,andmakesureeverythingwasinorderthistime.Buthealsoshowedhissenseofhumor.Inthebasket,alongwiththe

candy and fruit and other niceties, was a personal note from themanager,aswellasanashtrayandapackofcigarettes!

Ilaughedoutloud.ThenIcalledhimtothankhim.Inowhaveanewfriend,andhehasaloyalcustomer.

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Chapter28

Gratitude:TheArtofBeingThankful

wanttoendthissectiononthe“traits”ofbuildingrelationshipswithwhatmightwellbethemostimportantqualityofall.Building deep, meaningful relationships is simply not possible

withoutawell-developedsenseofgratitude.We’repromisednothinginthis world. Every relationship is a gift worth treasuring, as are thebenefitsthatcomefromthoserelationships.Bestselling self-help author Melody Beattie says, “Gratitude unlocks

thefullnessoflife.Itturnswhatwehaveintoenough,andmore.Itturnsdenialintoacceptance,chaostoorder,confusiontoclarity.Itcanturnamealintoafeast,ahouseintoahome,astrangerintoafriend.Gratitudemakessenseofourpast,bringspeacefortoday,andcreatesavisionfortomorrow.”When we’re thankful for each breath and each moment and each

relationship,wedon’ttakethemforgranted,andwedon’tabusethem.Gratitudeallowsustomakethemostofthem,notonlyforourselvesbutforeveryonearoundus.I don’t know anyone who lives out this idea more naturally and

thoroughly than JoelMauney.When Iwas in college at East CarolinaUniversity,JoelandIworkedasbusboysatthesamerestaurantduringourfreshmanyear.Wejoineddifferentfraternities,butwebecamefastfriends.Asseniors,IwaselectedpresidentoftheInter-fraternityCouncil,andJoelwaselectedvicepresident.Aftergraduation, I toldJoel IwasdrivingacoupleofhourswesttoseeanUpwithPeopleshowsoIcouldinterview for a job as a staffmember. Joel camewithme, becausehehadneverseenanUpwithPeopleshow.Aftermyinterview,Ilookedallover for Joel. I finally found him—interviewing to become a castmember.Hewonaspot,andthenextyearIwasonstaffforthecasttowhichhewasassigned.Wetraveledallovertheworldtogetherfortwo

yearswithUpwithPeople.JoelendedupinDenver,whereheworkedwithme atUpwith People and helpedme launch Leader’s Challenge.He’soneofthemostgiftedemployeesI’veeverhired,andanevenbetterfriend. He’s now vice president of the Spaulding Companies and theprogram director for the Spaulding Leadership Institute, the holdingcompanyforthefournonprofitsIfounded.Joelhasspentmuchofhis lifeasmysecond-in-command.Heknowswe complement each other.Andwhile theworldmight seeme as theleader andvisionary, I never take for grantedwhat Joelhasdone andcontinuestodoinensuringthesuccessoftheorganizationswe’vebeeninvolved in. Joel has been a huge part of the success of everyorganizationI’veeverstarted.Wheneveranopportunityhaspresenteditself,I’vetriedtomakesureJoel has shared in the rewards. We went to the Super Bowl and theMajor LeagueAll-StarGame together. Joel’s a sports fanatic—he lovesanythingthatinvolvesagoal,anet,anendzone,aball,orapuck.Ilookforopportunitiestoinvitehimtotravelwithmetointerestingplaces.Ofallthepeoplewhocouldlookmeintheeyeandsayhonestly,“Youoweme,Spaulding,”nonewouldhaveabetterclaimthanJoel.Yethe’snever asked for a favor. And he’s never treated a favor or a gift assomething that he deserved.He simply enjoys eachmoment, each giftthatcomeswithlife.WhenIspeaktoaudiencesaroundtheworld,especiallyyouth,oneofthethingsIalwaystalkaboutisthesenseofentitlement—theoppositeof gratitude. Especially in America, this is a virus that is spreadingthroughout organizations and eating away at our culture. By the timekidsreachtheirteens,manyhavebeentaughtthattheworldowesthemprettymucheverything—aneducation,ajobtheylovethatpayswell,afancytitle,aluxuriouscar,thecorneroffice.Thosethingsareallthereforanyofus,buttheyaren’tpromised.Theyrequirehardworkandperseverance.So, I’ll tellyouthesamething I tell thosekids:grabyourdictionaryandlookupthewordentitlement.Stopreadingrightnowandgrabyourdictionary andmark out thatwordwith a blackmarker. Remove thatword fromyour vocabulary and remove it fromyourheart.Replace it

withsomethingnorelationshipcansurvivewithout—gratitude.

SECTIONFOUR

RelationShift:LifeinthePenthouse

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Chapter29

JourneytothePenthouse

heeasiest things in life are the safe things, the things that lookandfeelmostobvious.Theyaretheroadsmosttraveled.Butmostofusareguiltyofsettlingintotheroutineoftheobvious.That’s

whywemisssomuchthatlifehastooffer.Weseeajuniorexecutivewecouldmentor,anentrepreneurwhocoulduseouradvice,oracustomerwhowouldbenefitfromknowingoneofourcontacts,butwedecidenottoactbecausewearetoobusyorwejustdon’twanttocomplicateourroutine,safelife.Relationships on the First Floor are routine. Relationships on the

SecondandThirdfloorsarelessroutine,buttheyinvolveverylittleriskand,therefore,producelimitedrewards.IfourrelationshipsstopattheThirdFloor,oreven theFourth,we’remissing thebest things that lifeoffers:thechancetomakeadifference,notonlyinourowncareersbutthroughoutourorganizationsandacrossourcommunities.TheseareourFifthFloorrelationships—thePenthouse,thebestofthebest.I’m fortunate to have Fifth Floor relationships with many business

owners, CEOs, and other executives. But the Penthouse isn’t someexclusivecountryclub. If itwere, Idoubt they’d letme in!FifthFloorrelationships are about more than who you know; they’re about therelationship itself. The Penthouse is blind to race, gender, position,nationalorigin,orsocialoreconomicstatus.It’sopentoanyone.For instance, IhaveaPenthouse relationshipwithMikeChambers—

my wife’s ex-husband. Mike and Jill went through a bitter, difficult,painful divorce, but a mentor of mine—JerryMiddel—gaveme a keypieceofadvice:Myjob,hesaid,wasto“loveMikeChambers.”MywifeandMikehaveasontogether—Anthony—soIdideverything

I could to befriend Mike and show him that I cared about him andAnthonywithoutwantingtotakehisplaceasAnthony’sfather.

Naturally,Mikewas suspiciousat firstand it took time forus togetbeyond the wounds. But Mike now spends the night at our home onChristmas Eve. He has a stocking that hangs on our mantel. We takeAnthony to ball games together.My kids, Caroline and Tate, call himUncleMike.ForhisfortiethbirthdayheinvitedJill,Anthony,andmetojoinhimandhismotherfordinner.Twoyearslater,whenJillaskedhowI wanted to celebrate my fortieth birthday, I suggested a nice dinnerwithfourothercouples—includingMikeandhisgirlfriend.In2008,Mikewentintothehospital,andIwenttoseehimeveryday.I’dsitwithhim,feedhim,andtalkwithhim.Afterheimprovedenough,I’d sometimes sneak in cheeseburgersandhis chewing tobacco. Idon’tseeMikeasan“ex”anything.Iseehimasfamily,andIlovehimlikeabrother.Unlikely?Maybe.Impossible?No!Theworstmistakewecanmakeinlifeistocloseourheartsandmindstothepotentialofrelationshipssimplybecausetraditionandstereotypestell us nothing good can come of them. At times we have to become“relational contrarians”—rejecting the easy and the ordinary and thesafewhendealingwiththepeoplewhomoveinandoutofourlives.Wecan’thaveFifthFloorrelationshipswitheveryone,butwecanhaveFifthFloor relationships with anyone. The question is, which ones do wechoosetoembraceinthatway?Oftenwemake that decision quickly, almost instinctively.Wemeetsomeoneandthere’saconnectionthat’shardtoexplain,aclick.Wecanfeelit,andweknowwewanttoinvestmoretimeandenergyinbuildingthat relationship.Then thereare those relationships thatweknowwillbe a challenge at the start—like my relationship with Mike. But wedecide,forwhateverreason,thatweshouldtakethechanceanyway.Theproblemisthatall toooftenwelimitourselvestothequickandeasy. We go for the low-hanging fruit. So any relationship that isn’tmicrowavable gets left on the shelf. No time for that one. Too muchwork. Too much energy. But often the relationships that aren’t low-hangingfruithavethesweetesttaste.The irony is that the only real way to find out which of thoserelationshipsweshouldtrytotaketothePenthouseistoinvesttimeand

energyinthem.Letme give you a couple of true stories that illustrate howwe cantake that journey from First Floor relationships to ones that moveupwardandeventuallyfindtheirwaytothePenthouse.ThefirstisthestoryofmyrelationshipwithJerryMiddel,thementorwho advisedme to “love”Mike Chambers. It illustrates how someonecanfocuspurposelyonbuildingarelationship,andhow,overtime,thatrelationshipcandevelopintosomethingincrediblyspecial.The second comes from Ron Hall and DenverMoore, twomen I’venevermet,butwhomIgreatlyadmire.TheirstoryillustratesthepowerofgivingarelationshipachanceevenwhenconventionalwisdomsaystherelationshipstandsnochanceofgettingofftheFirstFloor.TheseverydifferentaccountscangiveyouasenseofhowFifthFloorrelationships can develop. But I also hope they expand your view ofwhat thePenthouse looks likeandwhat typesof relationshipscan livethere.

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Chapter30

TheUltimateMiddelMan

erry Middel owns a vacation home in the Rocky Mountains, arather large cabin right on the Blue River in Silverthorne,Colorado,notfarfromBreckenridge.Thedeckandlargewindows

offerbreathtakingviewsof the river, thevalleys,and the snow-cappedpeaksofBuffalo,Red,andKellermountains.This “mountain shack,” as Jerry calls it, is an ideal setting for the

three Rs—resting, relaxing, recharging.Owning such a place is one ofthosepicturesmanyofusenvisionintheslideshowofourownpersonalversionoftheAmericandream.Toall appearances, Jerry’s living thatdream.But it’s all tooeasy to

see the great big vacation house and miss the most important thingsabouthislife.Histruemeasuresofsuccessaredefinedbythepeopleheknowsandtheimpacthehasonthem.Jerry,or“Pops”asIcallhim,beganhisprofessionalcareerasadoor-

to-door salesman, but he’s always been in the fulltime business ofhelpingothers.Andashisbusinessfortunesgrew,sotoodidhisgiving.Evenwhenhesoldhisbusinessafewyearsago,attheageofsixty-one,Jerrydidn’t retire.Hestillworks,butnowhegivesawayonehundredpercentofwhathemakes.Jerryeats,sleeps,andbreathesgenerosity—andnotjustthekindthatcomesfromwritingchecksforworthycauses.WhenIcallhim,he’softenatthemovies,ataballgame,fly-fishing,orplaying golf. But it’s almost always with some inner-city junior-highstudentthathe’smentoring.Jerry lives out everything I mean by more than relationships. He

embodies relationship excellence the way Alex Rodriguez embodies agreatbaseball swing. Indeed,when it comes to relationshipexcellence,Jerry’stheguru,themaharishi,theswami,thekingfish,thesavant,thevirtuoso,the…well,yougettheidea.He’sreallygoodatit.

For Jerry, everything starts with relationships. Everything else—money,houses,andsoon—areby-products,notforhispersonalpleasure(althoughheenjoys life),but forhelpingothersand forbuildingmoremeaningfulrelationships.Heispassionateaboutpeople,notpossessions.Hislifeisatestimonyofselflesssignificanceinamaterialisticworld.We can have Penthouse relationships with peers, protégés, andmentors.Forme,Jerryfallsintothatlastcategory.He’sbeenamentorin many different areas of my life, not the least of which is myunderstandingofrelationships.When I was younger, I relied on the Dale Carnegie strategy forwinningfriendsandinfluencingpeople,buthismessagefocusesmainlyon how to use relationships for personal and professional gain. Ieventually figured out that my personal and professional gain meantvery little if I wasn’tmaking a significant contribution to others. AndJerry helpedme discover an even deeper truth: thatmy personal andprofessionalgainactuallyincreasedwhenIfocusedonhelpingothers.That’s the shift.Most popular books on networking or the power ofrelationshipsstopattheFourthFloor—eventhosebooksthattalkaboutthepower of creating a close inner circle of trusted friends (which I’lldiscuss in more detail in chapter 32). That’s because the end goal inmostbooksonnetworkingandrelationshipsisallaboutadvancingyou.That’s fine forFloorsOne throughFour.ThePenthouse is reserved forrelationships that are totally selfless. It’s a servant relationship—and itworksbothways.ThisistrueofallmyPenthouserelationships.The“whatyoudo”tacticsandstrategiesandthe“whoyouare”traitscombine to help us move relationships off the First Floor to greaterplaces ofmeaning; some of those relationships can become so selflessthattheydefineaPenthouserelationship.Jerrytaughtmemuchofthismostlybydoingjustonething:livingit.

When I joined the Denver Rotary Club six months after moving toColorado,Ifigureditwasagoodwaytomeetotherleaders,serveinthecommunity, and pay back the organization that had awarded me aRotaryAmbassadorialScholarship.

Withmorethanfourhundredmembers,theclubisoneofthebiggestin theworld.Thatprovidedanenormousopportunity forme. In someways, however, it also made meeting people a little harder than I’dexpected.Iwalkedinforlunch,lookedattheseaoftablesandsharplydressedmenandwomenwiththeircircularnamebadges,andwonderedifI’devergetbeyondsurface-levelnetworking.ThenImetJerry.ShortlyafterIjoined,Igotaphonecallfrom“RotarianJerry”invitingmetolunch.AfterIaccepted,Icheckedtheclub’smemberdirectorytofindoutmoreabouthim.Nextto“occupation,”Jerrylisted“insurance.”SoIpreppedmyselffortheinevitablesalespitch.Greattomeetyou,Tommy!…Tellmeaboutyourselfandyourfamily!…Great,great!…Now,Tommy,myfriend, ifyouwere todie tonight,wouldyourfamilybetakencareof?…Well,wemetforlunch—Irememberthatwebothhadsalmonsalads—and we talked about this, that, and the other, but the topic ofinsurancenevercameup.Notonce.IexpectedaFirstFloorrelationshipinwhichJerrywouldpushforthetransaction like every other life-insurance salesman I’d ever known. Ifigured I’d be the one who pushed the relationship in a differentdirection.ButJerry,Idiscovered,wasn’tbuildingourrelationshipbasedona transaction.My forkhadbarely touchedmysalmonsaladwhen Irealized this was no ordinary man and that we’d have no ordinaryfriendship.Hisoriginalpurposeininvitingmetolunch,helatertoldme,wasthathethoughtI’dbeagoodmentorforDenverKids,aprogramforat-riskyouth. But he didn’t bring that up during that first lunch, either. Hewanted to get to know me—my passions, my hopes, my dreams, mystory—andmoveourrelationshipofftheFirstFloor.A few weeks later we had lunch again; once again, no talk ofinsurance,andnotalkofDenverKids.Wecontinuedtomeetandtalk,andwedevelopedasenseoftrustineachotheraswesharedmoreandmoreaboutourlives.Wemusthavemetfifteenortwentytimes,infact,beforeJerryfinallyaskedsomethingofme andnot justaboutme. Itwas then that he asked if I’d consider

helpingwithDenverKids.(Stillnothingaboutinsurance.)By that time, Jerry knew we had the potential for a deeper

relationship.Howdidheknow?Becausehelistened.If you ask Jerry about his business relationships, he’ll tell you that

most of them reside on the Third or Fourth Floor—right where theybelong.Somerelationshipssimplycan’tstayprofessionaliftheybecometoo deeply intimate. They can—and must—have mutual trust andrespect, but not necessarily intimacy. The only way to figure outwhetherarelationshipcangodeeperistogettoknowtheotherpersonas much as possible. That comes not only from asking the rightquestions,butfromactuallypayingattentiontotheanswers.Jerrylikestosaythatmostpeople,especiallymostmen,don’treally

listen when they ask a question. Usually they’re already formulatingtheirnextresponse.Sowhentheyask,“How’syourfamily?”theydon’tlistentotheanswer;theystartthinkingabouttheirownfamilyorwhattheywanttosharewhentheotherpersonstopstalking.When you listen, you find out the little things that let you know if

there’sachemistrythatwillhelparelationshipblossomintosomethingmoreintimate.It’sakindofsoul-searching.Jerry’sinvolvedinaChristianministry,thefounderofwhichlikesto

tellpeopleto“askmeaningfulquestions,listenintently,andfallinlovewith someone’s soul.Then shareyour faithwith themoutof love,notduty.”Let me stop for a second and mention that Jerry’s been a spiritual

influenceinmylife,buthenevertriedtosellmeonreligionanymorethanhe tried to sellme insurance.Mypoint isn’t about evangelismorproselytizing,butaboutbuildingrelationshipsby listening intentlyanddiscoveringsomeone’ssoulsothatyoucanshareyourlifewiththemoutoflove,notduty.“Ithinkthat’sthekeytorelationships,”Jerrysays.“Askingquestions

andlisteningintentlytowhatpeopleareallabout—theirproblems,theirconcerns.”Because Jerry listened intently to my challenges, he recognized the

voidsinmylife.And,whenasked,heofferedhisinsights,sometimesbysharingstoriesfromhisownlife,suchaswhenhewasstrugglingtostarthis business, and sometimes by recommending books. And, frankly,sometimesbymakingfunofme.IwassinglewhenImetJerry;helovedtoteasemeaboutthewomenIdated.Ashegottoknowme,whenI’dtell him about a new girlfriend I was seeing, he’d simply hold up anumber of fingers to represent how many weeks he thought therelationshipwouldlast.More important, he modeled what it looks like to love and respectother people—including his wife and adult children, which helpedinspire me to approach my life a little differently. I had strongrelationshipswith people inmy life—except for the people I dated. Itmadenosense,andJerryhelpedmeseeit.BecauseofJerry’sinfluence,Ireevaluated my values and began to take dating relationships moreseriously.IfIhadn’t,Jillneverwouldhavegivenmethetimeofday!Jerrydoesn’tletmegetbywiththesurface-levelniceties.Hewantstoknownot justwhat I’mdoingorwhat I believe, butwhy.As Socratessaid,theunexaminedlifeisn’tworthliving.Jerryhelpedmeexaminemylife. Whatever the subject, Jerry gets to the real heart of the matter,whateverthatis.Igointomostrelationshipswithadesiretobepositiveaboutmyself—I want to share my strengths. Most of us are like that, and there’snothingwrongwithit.ButJerrywasoneofthefirstpeopleIknewwhodidn’twanttohear justthegoodstuff.Themorewegottoknoweachother, themoreprobingquestionshe asked.Hewanted to knowwhatwasgoingonwithme.AndIfeltverycomfortablesharingmyfears,myanxieties—my darker side—because Jerry has a gift of not treatingotherslikehe’sjudgingthem.Jerry does this by living out the concept of giving withoutexpectations. I do things for Jerry all the time, and sometimes it’sbecause he’s asked. But he never tries to get something from me forhimself.When he asks a favor ofme, it’s almost always for somethingthatwillservesomeoneelse.WhenIaskedJerrywhathegetsoutofourrelationship,here’swhathe said: “I’ve never thought of it that way. I never intended to get

something out of it.” So he gave it some thought and added, “I get asenseofpride in seeing someonegrow.Youwerekindofwildwhen Imetyou,andyou’veendedupwithagreatwifeandagreatfamily.IfeelasenseofprideinwatchingapersonIcareaboutgrowtogreatlevels.”

ItwasfouryearsintomyrelationshipwithJerrybeforeinsurancecameup.Andeven then it only cameupwhen I lookedhim in theeyeandsaid, “I can’t stand it anymore.Whenare yougoing to try to sellmesomelifeinsurance?”That’swhenhetoldmeabouthisproducts,andIboughtapolicythat

Ireneweachyear.By that time, Jerry had become a trusted friend.Hewas one of the

originalboardmembersofLeader’sChallenge,thenonprofitIfoundedin2000, even though I never askedhim for a dime for the organization.But every now and again we’d have lunch and at some point, in analmost oh-by-the-way manner, he’d hand me a large check and say,“Don’ttellanyone.”Thegrowthinourrelationshipoccurredoverweeksandmonths,and

itdidsoinwayssosubtleastogoalmostunnoticed.Onedayweweremeetingforsalmonsalad,andthenextthingyouknowI’mvolunteeringforhis charities,he’shelpingme launchanonprofit, andwe’rehavingdiscussionsaboutwhatIwantinalong-termrelationshipwithawoman.Inretrospect,Iseehisvulnerability,hisselflessness,andhiswillingnessto askprobingquestions and listen to the answers as the critical stepsalongtheway.Ican’tputa timeanddateonwhenourrelationshipreachedwhat I

woulddescribeasthePenthouselevel,butIcanlookbackandsaywhenIrealizeditwasthere.When I was running Leader’s Challenge, the husband of one of our

staff members was the CEO of the Major League Baseball AlumniAssociation.Wewerealways looking forways tohonorourdonors, sohedonatedsometickets tothatyear’sAll-StargameinChicago. I tookJerryMiddel.By that time, Jerry and I had developed a relationship inwhichwe

knewintuitivelywhen theotherpersonwasstrugglingor inneed,andourmutual respect and trust allowed us to ask the toughest of toughquestions. We also celebrated each other’s victories. When somethingpositivehappenedinJerry’slife,IfeltthatI’dwonaswell.Andhefeltthesamewaywhenthingswentwellforme.We had different things to offer each other, because we were in

different stages of life and came from different backgrounds and haddifferent skills and experiences. But our values and principles wereclosely aligned. When Jerry and I spent time together, I always leftfeelinglikeIwasabetterperson.Andhisneedsbecameasimportanttomeasmyown.During that trip to Chicago, Jerry and I had dinner atMike Ditka’s

restaurant. As we talked about our friendship, I found I had noreservations in telling him that I loved him. Itwas the sort ofmutuallove thatmarks themostmeaningful relationships. Later I’d give thatlovealabel:aFifthFloororPenthouserelationship.

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Chapter31

MoorethanMeetstheEye

onHallfirstencounteredDenverMooreonaTuesdayeveningattheUnionGospelMission,ahomelessshelterindowntownForthWorth,Texas.Ron,amiddle-agedwhitemanandasuccessfulart

dealer,wasvolunteeringalongsidehiswife,servingfoodfortheeveningmeal.Denver,asix-foot-two,230-poundblackman,caughtthecouple’sattentionbecausehewas throwinga chair across the room, screamingobscenities,andpromisingto“killwhoeverstolemyshoes!”asheswunghishugefistsatanyonewholackedthegoodsensetogetoutofhisway.As Ron looked around for someone who might intervene, his wife,

Deborah, leanedoverandtoldhimthatshethoughtheoughttotrytomakefriendswithhim.Ron,understandably,wantednopartofthatrelationship.“Probablyinhissixties,helookedyoungerand,somehow,olderatthe

sametime,”Ronrecalled.“Hedressedinrags.Aloner,thewhitesofhiseyeshadgoneaneerieyellow.Heneversmiledandseldomspoke.Nordidweseeanyoneacknowledgehim.But itwasn’tas thoughothersatthe mission ostracized him; it was more like they kept a respectfuldistance,asonemightgivewideberthtoapitbull.”*

Forweeksafterthatfirstencounter,RonwouldseeDenverinornearthemission.Denverwaiteduntileveryonehadgottentheirfood,thenhewalkedupandaskedfortwoplates,oneforhimselfandoneforanoldmanwholivednearby.RonfiguredDenverjustwantedextrafood,andheknewgivingout twoplateswasagainst themission’spolicy.Buthefigured he wasn’t the mission police, so he’d simply give Denver twoplatesandtellhimhewasgladhe’dstoppedin.Ronstillhadnodesiretobefriendtheman,buthehonoredhiswife’s

continuedrequestandreachedouttoDenverfromtimetotime.Theriskseemedminimal, since Denver clearly didn’t want to spend timewith

RonanymorethanRonwantedtospendtimewithDenver.WhenRonspoke to Denver, he usually got no response. And when he did get aresponse, it usually came as three one-word sentences: “Leave. Me.Alone.”

Ron and Deborah Hall heard about a free concert at the Caravan, aswanktheaterindowntownFortWorth,sotheydecidedtotakeanyonefromtheUnionGospelMissionwhowantedtoattend.It had been a few months since they began volunteering at themission, and they’d gotten to know several of the regulars. But notDenverMoore.SoRonwas surprised to seeDenver standingoff to thesideofthegroupofmenwhowerewaitingforRontodrivethemtotheconcert.AftertheothersloadedintothebackofRon’sSuburban,Denverstood nearby, staring at the car for severalminutes, before eventuallygetting in the passenger seat next to Ron and sitting stone-faced andsilentastheymadetheirwaytothetheater.When everyone else went in the theater, Denver stayed outsidesmokingacigaretteuntilRoncamebackdownandaskedifhewantedtocomeinside.Denver didn’t speak. He stood silently for several minutes, thenwalkedpastRonandintothetheaterwithoutaword.Ronfollowedhimin, satnext tohim,and laterpattedhimon theknee, smiled,and toldhimhewasgladthathehaddecidedtocomealong.Denvergotupandmovedtoanotherseat,alone.After the concert, everyone loaded into the cars—the women withDeborah in her Land Cruiser and themen with Ron in his Suburban.Everyone, that is, but Denver. As usual, he hung back for severalminutes.ThenheapproachedRon—withanapology.“Youandyourwifebeen tryin tobenice tome for some timenow,andIhavepurposelyavoidedyou,”hesaid.“I’msorry.“Nexttimeyouisatthemission,”Denveradded,“tryandfindmeandlet’shaveacupa’coffeeandchatali’lbit.”Ronmadesurethe“nexttime”wastheverynextmorning.Theoutingseemedsimpleenough.ButwhenhepickedupDenverMooreandtook

himtobreakfast,itwasthefirsttimeDenverhadeateninarestaurantinhissixty-plusyearsonearth.

At breakfast, Denver Moore sought permission to ask Ron Hall apersonalquestion,andRonsaid,“Askaway.”“What’syourname?”Denversaid.Thatwasit?Thatwasthe“personal”question?Inhiscircles,Denverexplained,youdon’taskpeopletheirnames.Youjustdon’t.Ronshrugged,smiled,andtoldhimhisname.Denverateslowly,buthebegantosharealittleabouthimself.HehadescapedthecottonfieldsofLouisiana,wheretheplantationsystemhadkeptmanyblackmenlikehimtiedtopovertyonthefarmsofwealthylandowners. One day a train had rolled by and he’d hopped aboard.Thenhehadcarvedoutalifeintheconcretejungle.Itwasallheknew.Whenhefinallyfinishedhismeal,whichtookwelloveranhour,Denverlooked at Ronwith another question, this one a bitmore penetrating:“Whatyouwantfromme?”“Ijustwanttobeyourfriend,”Ronsaid.Denver raised his eyebrows in disbelief and paused for severalseconds.“Letmethinkaboutit,”hesaid.Astheydrovebacktothemission,Denverbegantolaughoutloudfornoapparentreason,andRonhelplesslylookedathiminhopesthathe’deventuallyrevealthejoke.Afterafewblocks,hedid.HetoldRonthatheandtheothersatthemissionthoughtRonandhiswifewerefromtheCIA.“Mostfolksthatserveatthemissioncomeonceortwiceandweneversee em again,” Denver explained. “But you and your wife come everweek. And your wife always be askin everbody his name and hisbirthday… you know, gatherin information. Now just think about it:Why would anybody be wantin to know a homeless man’s name andbirthday,iftheyain’ttheCIA?”

Several weeks after Ron Hall had treated Denver Moore to his firstbreakfastinarestaurant,thepairwentoutagain.Thistime,DenvertoldRon he’d been giving some thought to the question Ron had askedduringtheirpreviousouting.“WhatdidIaskyou?”Ronsaid.“’Boutbeinyourfriend.”WhatRon sawas a somewhatoffhanded comment,Denver sawas a

defining point in their relationship. He didn’t take it lightly, and hewantedtobesure.Sotobesure,heaskedRonaquestionaboutfishing.That’sright—fishing.He told Ron he didn’t understand why “white folks” did something

called“catchandrelease”whentheywent fishing.Whydidtheygotothetroubleofcatchingafishandthenletitgo?Itwasmoreastatementthan a question, and he let it hang in the air a bit so that Ron couldgraspthedeepermeaning.“Ifyouisfishinforafriendyoujustgon’catchandrelease,thenIain’t

gotnodesiretobeyourfriend.Butifyouislookinforarealfriend,thenI’llbeone.Forever.”

After Denver and Ron officially became friends, they began spendingmoreandmoretimetogether.RonwouldtakeDenvertomuseumsandnice restaurants, andDenver gave Ron insider’s tours into the lives ofFortWorth’shomelesspopulation.Denver’s life took the fast track to change. He began drinking and

cursinglessandless,andhebeganhelpingoutaroundthemissionmoreandmore.Mentallyandspiritually,hebegantoseetheworlddifferently—notasalonewolfwhohadgrownupasavirtualslaveonaLouisianaplantation, but as a personwith intrinsic valuewhohad something toofferthosearoundhim.Beforelong,thesamemanwho’doncethrownchairsinthemissionwassingingatitschapelservices.He grew closer and closer to Ron and Deborah Hall, learning from

them as they learned fromhim. Some lessonswere deep spiritual andphilosophical lessons in life. Others were overtly practical. But eventhoselessonseventuallydeliveredsomegreatermeaning.

Forinstance,Denver,atsixty-two,hadneverhadadriver’slicense,soRonhelpedhimgetone.Anda fewweeks laterheput it togooduse.RonandDeborah’sdaughter,Regan,hadtakenajobwithayouthcampinColorado,butmostofherpossessionswerestillatherapartment inDallas.SoRonaskedDenver ifhewanted todrive solo toColorado totakeReganherthings.Ron was half-joking with the question, but Denver liked the idea—especiallywhenhelearnedthetripwouldtakehimthroughthecityforwhichhewasnamed.SoRonandDenverspentthreedaysplanningthetrip, with Ron drawing out maps because Denver could read a hand-drawnmapbutcouldn’treadtheatlas.ThentheyloadedupRon’snearlynew Ford F-350 crew-cab pickup with Regan’s clothes, furniture, andelectronics,andDenverdroveoffinsearchofWinterPark,Colorado.Ashedroveaway,Ronwondered ifhe’d justacted ingreat faithorgreatfoolishness. Denver wondered the same thing. He knew he could betrusted,“butMr.Rondidn’tknowthat.”Denver knew Ron was a smart man, but he didn’t understand whyanyonewouldhandhim$700incashandthekeys toa$30,000truckloadedwithelectronics,clothes,andfurniture.“Bein smart don’t mean he’ll ever see his truck again—that takesfaith,”hesaid.Ron didn’t hear fromDenver until he showed up back at his houseseveral days later, the truck washed and waxed, Regan’s belongingsdelivered. He handed Ron the keys to the pickup and a handful ofwadded-upcash—about$400.Denverhadslept in the truckandeatenonlyatfast-foodrestaurantsandconveniencestores.WhenRonsuggestedthatDenverkeepthemoneyaspaymentforthetrip,Denverrefused.“Iain’t forhire,”Denver toldhim.“Idid that toblessyouandyourfamily.Moneycan’tbuynoblessins.”Twoweeks later, Ron hiredDenver to drive a rental truck to BatonRouge, Louisiana, to deliver paintings and sculptures valued at morethan $1 million. And when tragedy struck Ron’s family, Denver wasamongtheirclosestfriends,seeingthemthroughdayafterdayandweekafterweek.RonkepthispromisenottomakeDenveracatch-and-release

friend.AndDenverkepthispromisetobeRon’sfriend—forever.These two unlikelymen, onewhite and one black, onewell-off and

successful,onehomeless,onefromaneducatedupbringing,oneilliterateand from a family of plantation workers, had achieved a Penthouserelationshiptogether.

* RonHall andDenverMoore chronicle their story in theirNewYork Times bestselling book,SameKindofDifferentasMe(ThomasNelson,2008).It’sabookthatchangedmylife,challengingme on many levels. It is a book that I’ll give to my children and insist that they read. Myabbreviated description in this chapter is told in my words, not theirs; only the dialogue isquotedfromtheirbook.AndwhileI’mgivingyouagoodbitofthestory, it’sfarfromthefulltelling.Soplease,readtheirbook.

W

Chapter32

CollectingWhatMatters

hen Iwas a kid, I collected baseball cards. Nothing unusualaboutthat.ButIcollectedtheminclassicHowtoWinFriends& Influence People style. I went for the numbers. Just as I

wantedmore friends, I wantedmore baseball cards.Morewas alwaysbetter.Ofcourse,Iwaswrong.Inbaseballcards,asinrelationships,qualityis

moreimportantthanquantity.It’seasytofillupaRolodexorMicrosoftOutlook with contacts, but that’s mere networking; it’s just name-collecting. What matters is collecting things of lasting value. When itcomestobaseballcards,whatweneed isa1933BabeRuthora1952MickeyMantle.Weneeda1914“Shoeless”JoeJacksonora1951WillieMays.Weneeda1909HonusWagner.When the American Tobacco Company released its 1909 baseball

cards,thegreatHonusWagnercomplainedthattheyhadusedhisimageononeofthecards.Somesayitwasbecausehewantedtobepaidforit;others that he didn’t want his image used to promote smoking.Regardless, the result was that the company stopped producing thatcard. Only around one hundred Wagner cards were made that year.Fewerthansixtyexisttoday,andonlyabouttenofthoseareinexcellentcondition.Allofthemarevaluable,butonesuchcardsoldforarecord$2.8 million in 2007, making it significantly more valuable than theshoeboxesfullofcardscollectingdustinmyparents’basement.I’venevercountedthem,but therearehundreds,perhaps thousands,

ofcardsinthoseboxes.Ofthose,noneareworththousands,muchlessmillions,ofdollars,andonlyfiftyorsixtyreallyevermeantsomethingtome.ItreasuredthecardsofJohnnyBench,MikeSchmidt,andGeorgeBrett,butmostofallIlovedthebaseballcardsoftheNewYorkYankees.

I’ll be a Yankees fan until the day I die. I’ll never forget ReggieJackson’sthreehomersinGameSixofthe1977WorldSeriesagainsttheDodgers,which earned him the name “Mr. October.” Or BuckyDent’shomerunovertheGreenMonsteronOctober2,1978,tobeattheRedSoxfortheAmericanLeaguepennant.AndIwasdepressedformonthsafterThurmanMunson’splanewentdowninCanton,Ohio,onAugust2,1979.WhenwefoundouttheyweregoingtoteardownYankeeStadiumandbuildanewballpark,JillandItookourson,Tate,totheoldparkasaninfantjusttomakesurehesoakedinsomeofthatYankeestradition.Nobaseball cardsmeanmore tome thanmyYankees cards, andnoYankeescardmeansmoretomethanmyPhilRizzuto—thefive-foot-sixHall of Fame shortstop who helped the Yankees to nineWorld Seriestitlesbetween1941and1956.Mydadgotthecardwhenhewasakid,andpasseditalongtome.Allofthosecards,however,remaininaboxinabasement.Mypoint?They can’t compare to flesh-and-blood relationships. And my mosttreasuredrelationshipsaretheonesthatmakeittotheFifthFloor.Thosearetheonesworthcollecting.I’mblessedatthispointinmylifetohaveanall-starFifthFloorteam.Thatteamistheequivalentofwhatsomepeoplecalltheir“innercircle”of friends, their “kitchencabinet,”or theirpersonalboardofdirectors.It’s that group of most highly trusted friends with whom you workthroughyourlife.WhenI’mworkingthroughchallengesatwork,whenI’m facedwithbigdecisionsathome,when Ihave to sort through thechaos that threatens to take me off track spiritually, I turn to one ormore players onmy Fifth Floor team. Some of them don’t even knoweachother.Theyhavediversebackgroundsandskillsandgifts.I know thesementors and friendswill givemehonest feedback andcounsel.TheytellmewhatIneedtohear,notwhatIwanttohear.Andtheyknowthatwhen theyneeda listeningear,agentlenudge,a firmpush, I’ll be there for them.We love eachother unconditionally.Mostimportant, we’re fiercely loyal to one another, through the good, thebad,andtheugly.Theseverydifferentpeoplebringdifferentthingstoourrelationship,

but in every case we’re committed to doing everything we can to lifteachother ashighaspossible—inourwork,withour families, and inourspirituallives.That’swhythePenthouseissuchaspecialplace.Youcan’tgettothislevelifyoufocusonwhattheotherpersoncanorwillgivetoyou.Whenyoufindyourself inoneof theserelationshipsyoudiscover thatyou’regivingmore thanyou ever realizedyouhad to give, andgettingmorethanyoupossiblycoulddeserve.My all-star Fifth Floor team is sort of like the roster for the 1977Yankees, except insteadofhavingChrisChambliss at firstbase, IhaveLinda Childears. Instead of Willie Randolph at second, I have SteveFarber. Rather than Bucky Dent at short, I have Scott Bemis. GraigNettles isn’t at third; instead, I have Mark Urich. My outfield doesn’tincludeReggie Jackson,RoyWhite,MickeyRivers, and LouPinella; ithasDickEakin, JoelMauney,KerryCaldwell, andChrisHennessy.MyDHisKeithWegen,ratherthanCarlosMay.ThurmanMunsonisn’tmycatcher; it is Scott Lynn. My pitching staff, instead of including EdFigueroa, Mike Torrez, Ron Guidry, Don Gullett, Catfish Hunter, DickTidrow, and Sparky Lyle, has Mark Burke, Rob Harter, Steve Demby,CynthiaMaddenLeitner,HumbertoLopez,DougMiller,andJimWarner.AndmycoachisJerryMiddel,notBillyMartin.Rizzutodidn’tplay for the1977Yankees,ofcourse,but Ican’thaveanall-starFifthFloorteamwithoutaRizzuto.Thatwouldbemyfather,TomSpauldingSr.Everyone should have a Fifth Floor all-star team—not so much forwhatthatteamcandoforyou,butforwhatyouandthatteamcandotogether.That’sthepowerofrelationshipsinthePenthouse.WhomakesupyourFifthFloorall-starteamandwhy?Atthisstage,youmightbetossingaballupintheairandcatchingityourself.Orperhapsyouhaveoneor twopeopleyou really classify atthisPenthouselevel.OryoumighthaveanentireFifthFloorroster.Whenyoumakealistofthemembersonyourall-starteam,rememberthatit’snotalistofyourbestbuddiesoreveneveryonewhoisonyourFifthFloor.Thesearen’t thefriendsyouhangoutwithfordrinksor towatch the big game. Some of those peoplemay be on your team, but

somewon’t.It’smoreabouttherolestheyplayinyourlifeandthatyouplayintheir lives.Myteamincludesmentors,myattorney,employees,boardmembers,pastors,mylifecoach,mybusinesspartners—andsomeofmybuddies.Take some time to really think about your team.Who is on it, and

why?Whataretheygivingtotherelationship?Whatareyougivingtothem?Do they hold you accountable? I breakmy team into three lifecategories:spiritualgrowth,familyandhealthbalance,andprofessionalgrowth.Pickthecategoriesthatareimportanttoyou.Putthenamesofthose that fit intoeachcategory.Next, talk to thosepeopleabouthowyou can serve a greater purpose in each other’s lives. If they don’talreadyknowthey’reonyourteam,theyreallyaren’tonyourteam.There is no roster limit, nor is there a minimum. How many Fifth

Floor relationshipscanyounurture?Most likely,more thanyou think.Andalmostcertainly,morethanyounowhave.

ItreasureFifthFloorrelationshipsthewaysomepeopletreasurevintagebaseballcards.Butthatdoesn’tmeanIonlyvaluerelationshipsthatendup in the Penthouse. Baseball card collectors wisely care for all theircardsbecausetheydon’talwaysknowwhichoneswillturnouttobethenext1933NapLajoieandwhichonewillbetherookiewhogetsoneat-bat and never sees the big leagues again. The same is true ofrelationships—you don’t always know which ones will be the mostimportant.Ofcourse,goodthingscancomefromrelationshipsatallfivelevelsor

floors. Lifelong “you have my business and loyalty no matter what”relationships only live in the Penthouse. My relationship with thebartender I mentioned early in the book never really went that far,becauseour interaction lastedonlya fewhours.Today I can’t tell youtheman’sname.Butheabsolutelychangedmy life for thebetter.Andall because neither of us dismissed the relationship before it had achancetobegin.Weevenbenefitfromtherelationshipsthatseemforeverstuckinthe

cellar.Ihaveahandfulofbasementrelationshipswithfamilymembers,pastemployers,andformerfriends.Baserelationshipscanmotivateusto

becomebetterpeople,andprovidelessonsthatwillenableustoimproveourlivesandourwork.Soalthoughwecan’talwayscontrolwherearelationshipendsup,wecanmakethemostofeveryrelationship.ItstartswithtreatingeveryoneasapotentialroommateorteammateinthePenthouse.Aconversationwith the woman who sells us our morning coffee can be purelytransactional,orwecanreachouttotheotherpersonandstrivetomakeitapersonalconnection.Ourfirstwordsshouldbemoreontheorderofaheartfelt“Howareyoutoday?”insteadofamonotone“Creamandsugar,please.”Askoneortwoquestionsthatmightgiveyoualittleinsightintowhotheotherpersonreallyisandwhatshewantsoutoflife.Twoorthreeminutesofour time.Andwhoknows,onedayyoumighthaveaSecondorThirdFloorrelationship,withthepotentialforevenmore.ShemightsomedayinviteourfamilyoverforChristmasdinner—andwe’dgo!Whenwedothisinourpersonallives,wemakefriends.Whenwedoit in our professional lives, we build genuine relationships and greatorganizations.Webuildaculturethat’smotivatedtowardexcellence.Aculture that’s off the charts when it comes to generating employeeloyalty, customer loyalty, revenue, innovation, profits, brand identity.All thatRORcomes froman investment in taking relationships towardthePenthouse.Picture an organizational culture where the entire staff strives tofacilitatePenthouserelationships,notonlywithcustomers,clients,andvendors,butalsowithoneanother.Tellmeemployeemoralewouldn’tgo up. Tell me sales wouldn’t increase. Tell me customer service andretention wouldn’t improve. Tell me relational competence wouldn’tbecomeahallmarkoftheorganization.The RelationShift we must make, therefore, is to stop approachingotherswithaself-focusedagendathatasksonlyhowtherelationshipcanhelpus.Wemuststartwiththeintentionofnotonlyhelpingthatpersoninsomebasicwaybutadvancinghisorherwell-being.This is no easymatter formost of us, in large part because it goesagainstmuchofwhatwe’velearnedgrowingup.Butit’snotimpossible.It wasn’t impossible when Jerry Middel, a successful businessman,

beganinvestinginayoungRotarian.Itwasn’timpossiblewhenIbeganinvestinginarelationshipwithmy

wife’sformerhusband.Itwasn’timpossiblewhenRonHallbeganservingmealsattheUnion

GospelMissionandagreedtopatiently invest in theangriest, loneliest,scariestpersonintheroom.And itwon’tbe impossiblewhenyou invest in therelationships that

surround you—co-workers, neighbors, vendors, customers, supervisors,and, who knows, even the angriest, scariest person in the room. Thatpersonmightnotonlybecomeyourgreatestcustomer,butyourclosestfriend—forever.

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Chapter33

FifthFloorGivers

he1984–85famineinEthiopia,oneoftheworstofmanyinthatcountry’s history, brought Noel Cunningham to tears. But whatreallybrokehisheartwas the response thecrisisdrew fromhis

employers at theposhLosAngeles restaurantwhereheworked.Whiletherestaurantrakedinprofitsfromitswealthypatrons,theownersgavevery little back to the greater community and nothing to the starvingEthiopianshalfwayaroundtheworld.“I couldn’t do anything to get them to help,” Noel told me. “But I

made myself a promise that when I got my own restaurant I’d dosomething.”Individual giving is important, butNoel felt strongly that businesses

should give as well. So in 1986, when the Irish immigrant moved toDenver and opened Strings Restaurant, he followed through on hispromise.Stringsquicklybecametheuptownhotspotforthecity’smoversand

shakers. For Noel, whose culinary career began at age fourteen andincluded a stop as an apprentice chef at London’s famed SavoyHotel,owninghisown restaurantwasadreamcome true.But it alsowasanopportunitytousefinediningasatoolforextraordinarygiving.Growing up in Dublin, Ireland, in the 1950s, Noel learned about

givingfromhismother’sexample.“Shewasalwaysbringingpeoplein,”hesaysinhisthickIrishaccent.

“I’llneverforgetHarryLemon.Hewasahugemanwithabigbeard—theepitomeofahomelessman.She’dbringhiminandputhimbythefireandgivehimsomefood.Atfirstweallwereafraidofhim.ButwecametounderstandthathewasjustanotherchildofGod.”AstheownerofStrings,Noelquietlywentaboutservinggreatfoodto

the well-to-do and serving hope to people in need. Mother’s Day, forinstance, is typicallyoneof thebusiestdaysof theyear foranupscalerestaurant,butStringsisclosedtothepubliconthatSunday.Instead,fornearly twenty years, Noel has thrown a Mother’s Day party for twohundred elderly women who take part in the area’s Meals onWheelsprogram.It’stheirdaytoeatatthenicestrestaurantintown—forfree.His passion for helping impoverished Ethiopians took center stagefromthedayStringsopeneditsdoors,buthisgivingalwaysincorporatesandaddsvaluetothelocalcommunityaswell.ProgramslikeQuartersforKidsandFourQuarters forKidsnotonlyraise thousandsofdollarseach year for food, clothing, and educational supplies in Ethiopia, butthey’vealsotaughtelementary,middle,andhighschoolstudentsaroundDenverlessonsinleadershipandthevalueofgiving.Thechildrenlearnthattheirquarterscanaddupinahurry.Theyseeit—andhearit—whenallthatloosechangeispouredintoahugebucketduringaspecialeventeachyearatStrings.Andmanyofthosestudents,aswell as nurses andotherprofessionals, endup traveling toEthiopiawithNoelandhiswife,Tammy,throughthefoundationtheystartedin2003.“There’snothingwe’regoingtodothat’sgoingtosubstantiallychangeEthiopia,”Noelsays,“butwewillbesubstantiallychanged.”IknowthisfirsthandbecauseIjoinedhimforoneofthosetrips.IinitiallyresistedgoingtoAfrica.SoIziggedandzaggedawayfromacommitmentwheneverNoel brought up the idea ofmy travelingwithhim.Finally,Noeljusttoldmeflatout,“You’recomingtoAfricawithme.AndbringsomeofyourkidsfromLeader’sChallenge.Bringsomefromtheinnercityandsomewhoareaffluent.Thiswillchangetheirviewoftheworld.Andyours.”So I finally said yes.Noel turned around and helpedwith the fund-raisersthatpaidformyLeader’sChallengestudentstogowithus.IhadlearnedalotaboutpeopleandcultureswhilebackpackingacrossEurope,SouthAmerica,andAsia,andbytravelingwithUpwithPeople,bothasayoungcastmemberandlaterasitspresidentandCEO.ButfewthingshavetouchedmyheartlikewalkingadustyroadinEthiopiawith

achildclingingtomyfinger,knowingthatthemoneyraisedbystudentsinvolvedwithLeader’sChallengeputshoesonthatchild’sfeetandfoodinhis stomach, andhelpedbuild ahospital and school to improvehislife.Nothingcomparestoseeingthejoy-filledfaceofaboycrippledbypolio, simply because I lifted him into the air so he could dunk abasketballforthefirsttime.Forthis, ImustthankNoelCunningham—notjustfor insistingthatIjoinhimonthetriptoEthiopia,butforplayingakeyroleinthecreationofLeader’sChallenge.Ihad lived inDenveraboutayearwhen I leftmy jobwithUpwithPeople in 2000 to start Leader’s Challenge. I still didn’t know manypeople in the area, so I counted heavily on referrals as I went aboutraising the money to launch my dream. One name that continued tocomeup inmyconversationswithpeoplewasNoelCunningham.Noelhadaquietreputationasamanwholoveskidsandalmostneversaysnotogoodcausesthathelpyoungpeople.Atthetime,I’dnevereatenatStrings,becauseIcouldn’taffordfive-star restaurants on my nonprofit budget. So when I arrived for mymeetingwithNoel,Iwasgladthatthefirstthinghesaidwasthatlunchwas on thehouse. ThenNoel looked atme and said fourwords everyfund-raiserlovestohear:“HowcanIhelp?”IsharedmyvisionforLeader’sChallenge.ItoldhimIwantedtobuilda statewide high school program that inspired and equipped youngpeople to lead through acts of service. I told him Iwanted to partnerwiththeschools,privateandpublic,andmaketheprogramavailabletokids regardless of race, academic performance, or social status. I toldhim Iwanted to create a program that developed servant leaders andwouldmotivatethenextgenerationtochangetheworld.AndItoldhimIwantedtocastthisvisiontoasmanypeopleaspossiblewhomightbeableandwillingtomakeithappen.AsIlookedaroundNoel’srestaurant,Irealizedmanyofthosepeopleweresittingaroundtheroom.High-profileleadersfromjustabouteverysector—business leaders, political leaders, and celebrities—lunchedtogether at nearby tables. The potential donors of Leader’s Challenge’sfuturewerethecustomersofNoel’spresent.

Noelknewthis.HealsoknewthatLeader’sChallengehardlyhadtwopenniestoitsname.Sohesaid,“Tommy,younowhaveahouseaccountatthisrestaurant.AnytimeyouneedtohavelunchordinnertosharethevisionofLeader’sChallenge,youcando ithereonme.Andyoudon’thavetotellthem.Justsigntheticket.”Iprobablyateinthatrestaurantthreeorfourtimesaweekforayear,

and I never paid for ameal. I raisedhundreds of thousands of dollarswhile eating Strings’ famous cashew-crusted sea bass with saffroncouscousandvanillabeurre blanc. I built dozensof great relationships.AndIgainedabouttwentypounds!WhenNoelwasthereduringoneofthosemeetings,he’dalwaysstop

bymytableandsaythatheendorsedLeader’sChallenge.And,ofcourse,Ialways told thepersonwhowaswithme thatNoelCunninghamwaspickingupthetab.“Thatwasn’ttheidea,”hesays.“Theideawasn’tformetolookgood,

itwasforyoutolookgood.”AtypicalNoelCunninghamresponse.Noel shares a common quality in what I call Fifth Floor givers—he

caresmoreaboutresultsthanaboutgettingcredit.WhenIwasakid,mymotheroftentookmytwosistersandmetothe

Woodburycommunitypondtoswimduringthesummer.Thepondhaddiving boards, and I vividly remember standing on the high board,despitemyfearofheights,andcallingformymother’sattention.“Watchme! Watch me!” I’d scream until she looked up and encouraged me.ThenI’ddoacannonballintothewater.Manyofusgivelikewe’rethatpreteenonadivingboard—Lookatme!

Lookatme!But thegreatestgivers Iknow—trueFifthFloorgivers—goalmostunnoticeduntilsomeoneelsepointsthemout.That selfless quality sometimes takes such givers onto some risky

ground.Noel,forinstance,neversacrificedthequalityoffoodorserviceatStringsbecauseofhisFifthFloorphilanthropy,buttherecameatleastone timewhen it lookedas thoughhisgivingmightcosthimagoldenopportunitytomakeasoundbusinessmove.Noelhadbeen leasing thebuilding for Strings, buthehad crunched

thenumbersandknewhe’dbemuchbetterofffinanciallyifheownedit.Theownerofthebuildingofferedtosell ifNoelcouldmeettheaskingprice with three payments over a six-month period. Noel knew hecouldn’tmeet those terms,given that somuchofhisnormalcash flowwent toward charities. Giving away food and paying a staff to feednonpayingcustomers “isn’t alwaysbottom-lineprofitable forbusiness,”Noelpointsout.Theanswer,hedecided,wasn’ttodecreasehisgivingbuttoincreasebusiness.Soheputanote inhismenutellingcustomersthat themorethey spent on wine and food, the more it would help him buy thebuilding. And he calledme, andwho knowswho else, and asked if IknewanybusinessesthatmightwanttorentStringsforaholidayparty.Ofcourse,Iwenttoworkspreadingtheword;holdingaholidaypartythere would be a nice payback to one of the most unheraldedphilanthropists in the city. Enough people bought enough food anddrank enoughwine thatNoelwas able to buy the building and neverdecreasehisgiving.Whentheeconomytookaturnfortheworsein2008,Noelfiguredhisbusinesswouldsufferasmoreandmorepeoplecutbackonthingslikediningout.ButseveralcustomerswentoutoftheirwaytotellhimtheyhadmadeacommitmenttokeepeatingatStrings—notjustbecausetheylovedthediningexperience,whichtheydid,butbecausetheyknewhowmuchNoel helped otherswith his profits.He had earned their loyaltyeven in tough timesbecausehisbusinesswasmore thanabusiness. ItwasaFifthFloorbusiness.Itchangedlivesforthebetter.BybecomingaFifthFloorgiver,NoelCunninghamcreatedFifthFloorcustomerloyalty.That’s the thing about the Fifth Floor matrix—it’s a model forexcellence for just about anything,not just relationships.Whatdoyoudoprofessionally?Isitmerelytransactional,FirstFloorwork,orareyouproducing Fifth Floor outcomes?Are you a Fifth Floor banker, a FifthFloorsalesman,aFifthFloorpastor,aFifthFloorteacher,aFifthFloorCEO,aFifthFloorbusinessowner?What’s your level of customer service? Is it Fifth Floor customerservice?Ifnot,whynot?Whattypeofteamareyouon?Ifit’snotaFifthFloorteam,whyisn’tit,andhowcanyouchangeit?Andhowareyou

addressingthecommunity’sneeds?Areyouatransactionalsoup-server,orareyouandyourorganizationontheFifthFloorofoutreach?WhatcanyouandyourorganizationdotobecomeFifthFloorgivers?You can’t have a Fifth Floor culture that isn’t giving—as individuals

andas a group. If youwant tobuild successful organizations, increasesales,develoployalcustomers,improveemployeeretention,impactyourcommunity, and change theworld, you have to become sold out to aFifthFloorculture.AsMahatmaGandhiputit,“Bethechangeyouwanttoseeintheworld.”

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Chapter34

LivingGive/GetfromtheOutside/In

oelCunninghamandJerryMiddelbothunderstandthepowerofpouring themselves into the lives of others in a way that,frankly, doesn’t alwaysmake sense to peoplewho don’t get it.

That’s because many people can’t fully embrace two critical butparadoxicalrealitiesthatworkinthelivesofFifthFloorgiversandthataffectourability tomoverelationships fromtheFirstFloor towardthePenthouse.First,theLawofGive/Get:Investingunselfishlyinthelivesofothers

is themost important thingwecando for thehealthandsuccessofourpersonal lives, our professional lives, our organizations, and ourcommunities.Second, the Law of Outside/In: By moving outside ourselves in

servicetoothers,wecanbeginchangingwhoweareontheinside.The Law of Outside/In sounds counterintuitive because we’re all

taught early in life that lasting, meaningful change happens from theinside out. And that’s true. But stopping with that leaves the processincomplete.Itdoesn’taddressanimportantconundrummostofusface:thathumannatureoftengetsinthewayofourbestintentions.Inotherwords, we’re sometimes selfish, lazy, indifferent, fearful, or just plainunabletoseewhatweneedtodoifwewanttomakealastingchange.Let’sfaceit,there’sareasonwhymostAmericansareoverweight,and

it’snotthatwehavenodesiretoshedafewpounds;it’sthatweeatanddrinktoomuchofthewrongthingsandexercisetoolittle.Andthere’sareason why we don’t serve the underprivileged more often—or evenservethosearoundusinourwork.It’sthesamereasonwefindithardto“loveourenemies.”Thereason:thatstuffishard!

Itrequiresthingslikefocus,discipline,energy,time,andcommitment.Furthermore, the payoff often stands far away in the foggy distance,whileself-gratifyingrewardsdangleimmediatelyinfrontofus.It’shardenoughtoselflesslyservethepeoplewelikeatworkandinthecommunity,muchlessthepeoplewedon’tknowordon’tlike.Andbecauseit’shard,there’sapartofusthatresistsdoingit.Ouremotionsandourfeelingssetuproadblockstoouractions.So sometimes we have to act even if our heart’s not fully engaged,trustingthatsomethinggoodwillcomeofit—somethinggoodforothersand,ultimately,somethinggoodinsideofus.Wehavetogo“outside”—wehavetoleaveourofficesorournormalworkspaces toviewourwork throughadifferent lens.Other times it’smoreofanemotional journey—wehave to leaveourcomfort zones inordertoexperienceaninternalchange.That iswhyexecutiveshave to leave thespreadsheetson-theirdesksfrom time to time and go visit with front-line workers or personallyinvestigate customer complaints or shop in the stores that sell theirgoods. By getting “out there,” they can relate to their employees andtheir customers in fresh, importantways that help themmake smarterdecisionswhentheyreturntothosespreadsheets.SamWalton, the founder ofWalmart, famouslywalked the aisles ofhisstores.Becausehewasaprivatepilot,heoftenflewunannouncedtostores all around the country, learning volumes aboutwhat customersandassociates thought,whilealso sharinghisvision for the storesandthecompany.Healsosenthisexecutivesandbuyersoutonstorevisits—Walmart stores and the stores of competitors. And his buyers wererequired to work at least five days a year in a store. “You can’t‘merchandisetheworld’bysittinginyouroffice,”he’dsay.*

The same is true when developing any type of attitude of service,whetherit’sin-houseorinthecommunity.RonHallcertainlylefthiscomfortzonewhenhetaggedalongwithhiswife tovolunteer at theUnionGospelMission.And Ihad to leavemyemotional comfort zonewhen IwentwithNoel to Ethiopia, an act ofservicethatledtoachangedheart.During my trip to Ethiopia, I saw just what a difference sacrificial

servicemakesintheworld.MyfriendDougJackson,presidentandCEOofPROJECTC.U.R.E., anonprofit that collectsanddeliversmillionsofdollars’worthofdonatedmedicalequipmentandsuppliestodevelopingnations,camewithusonthetrip.DoughasalawdegreeandaPh.D.inbusiness administration; he’s been successful in the academic andbusiness communities. But he left that behind to run thenonprofit hisfatherstarted.DuringourEthiopiatrip,ItookasidetripwithDougtoAddisAbabasohecoulddoanassessmentoftheneedsofsomeofthehospitalsandclinics.Thosehospitalshaddirt floorsandusedantiquatedequipment.They recycled syringes and gloves, and often did without whatAmericanswouldseeasthebasicsofcare.I’dneverseenanythinglikeit.Whathe’sdoingistotallychangingtheworld.Dougsayshe’sinthebusinessofsecondchances.ManyofthedonatedsupplieswouldhavebeenthrownoutinNorthAmerica.Hegivesthemasecondchance.Andthatgivesthesickandhurtinginthepoorestpartsoftheworldasecondchanceatlife.Doug’snonprofitsaveslives,butitalsochangesthelivesofthepeoplewho volunteer to make it happen. That’s because when we pourourselves into something thathelps others, our attitude aboutwhowearebegins tochangefor thebetter.Ataverybasicandessential level,wedevelopagreatersenseofself-worth.MimiSilbert,whooperatesarehabilitationprogramforex-convictsinCalifornia,putitlikethis:“Youdon’tgetitbysomeonehelpingyou.Yougetitbyhelpingsomeoneelse.It’sbeingthehelperthatmakesyoulikeyourself.”*

The more we do this, the easier it becomes to do it again. That’sbecause when we start serving others and putting others first—evenwhenitisn’ttheeasythingtodo—thoseoutsideactionscreateachangewithinus.Asthesayinggoes, it’ssometimeseasiertoactourwayintonewwaysoffeelingthantofeelourwayintonewwaysofacting.The Law of Give/Get involves a proactive approach to relationshipsthat’s built on a foundation of noblemotives. It startswith “investingunselfishly in the livesofothers.”Thatrequiresanaction(investing inothers) driven by specific motivation (selflessness). But what this law

makesclearisthatwe“get”rewardsfromourselflessness.Focusing on others, for instance, doesn’tmean abandoning our own

motivesandstrategies.There’snothingwrongwithhelpingourselvesbyhelpingothers.WhenIwenttoNoelCunninghamwithLeader’sChallenge,Imadeno

assumptions about what he might do to help. And he had noexpectationsforhowhemightbenefitfromourrelationship.Noelneverexpectedanythinginreturn,nomatterhowmuchseabassIateforfree.Andhedidn’tstophelpingLeader’sChallengebecauseIinitiallyrefusedtogowithhimtoEthiopia.Hesawmeasafriendwhowaschampioningagreatcause,andthatwasenough.AndgettingmetogowithhimtoEthiopiawasneveraconditionforhissupportofLeader’sChallenge.The selflessness I’m talkingabout simplymeans there isnoquidpro

quo.Itmeansgoingintoitwiththeunderstandingthatwearedoingtherightthings,evenifthepersonalbenefitsnevermaterialize.(Rememberthe Law of Mother Teresa: results, while important, are secondary todoingtherightthingtherightway.)ThinkaboutthedonationWarrenBuffettmadetotheBillandMelinda

Gates Foundation. His overall gift, depending on stock values, isestimated to reach around$37billion before all is said anddone. BillGates must have given him some sales pitch, right? Not really. “Iactually never spoke to him about the gift,” Gates said. “It wascompletelyasurprisetome.”*

Gates cast his vision of helping others in his speeches in hopes thatother people would catch that vision and join in making it happen.Buffettjumpedinbecausehebelievedinthatvision,andbecausehehadalong-termrelationshipwithBillandMelindaGates.HeliterallytruststhemwithbillionsofdollarsbecauseofthePenthouserelationshiphehaswiththem.I’ve been involved in fund-raising for nonprofits for more than ten

years. The five-, six-, and seven-figure gifts that have come in almostalways have come without an “ask” from me. They were all aboutrelationships. The donors believed in the vision of the organization,believedinme,trustedme,andresponded.Thatdoesn’tmeanyouneverask;itmeansyouseldomneedtoaskifyou’vebuiltastrongrelationship.

Therearenoguaranteesinlife,we’retold.ButIcantellyouthiswithconfidence: investing unselfishly in the lives of others is the mostimportant thingwecando for thehealthandsuccessofourown lives,ourorganizations,andourcommunities.Andthemorewepracticethis,thedeeperitembedsitselfinthesoulofaculture.Ken Blanchard, the bestselling co-author ofThe One-MinuteManagerand the founder of one of the world’s top leadership trainingorganizations, once put it thisway: “My own experience about all theblessingsI’vehadinmylifeisthatthemoreIgiveaway,themorethatcomes back. That is the way life works, and that is the way energyworks.”IknowKenasanauthenticFifthFloorgiverwho fully livesout theLawofGive/Get.I had firstmetKenwhen I approached him to speak at anUpwithPeople fund-raiser,duringa trip I took toSouthernCalifornia in2008.AfterwardsheinvitedJillandmetocomebacktoSanDiegothatJuneandgotodinnerwithhimandhiswife,Margie.Itwastheweekendofthe U.S. Open golf tournament, which was being played nearby atTorreyPinesGolfCourse.Kengotmetwoticketstothetournamentforthe next day, and gave them to me when we had dinner that Fridaynightathiscountryclub.IthadbeenlessthanayearsinceaseriesofwildfiresdevastatedthatareaofCalifornia,burningKenandMargie’shometotheground.YetheandMargiehadthemostupbeatattitudeofanyoneI’veevermet.Whenwetalkedaboutthegolftournament,KenkepttellingmethatIneededtostopbytheAmericanExpresstent.AllIhadtodowasshowthemmyAmericanExpress card,he said, and I coulduseoneof theirhigh-techsatellitemonitors to followtheactionallover thecourse,nomatter which group I was following. It sounded great, except for onething:Ididn’thaveanAmericanExpresscard.Tobepolite,Ididn’tsayanything,buthekept talkingabouthowneat itwasandhowIhad touseoneofthosemonitors.Finally, I sheepishly confessed that I lacked the proper credit card.Withoutanotherword,Kenpulledouthiswallet,slidouthisAmericanExpresscard,handedittome,andsaid,“Usethistogetinthetentand

mailitbackwhenyou’redone.”We’dmettwice!Severalmonthslater,webothspokeattheUpwithPeoplefund-raiser

—itwasmylasteventbeforeIleftmyjobasCEOtheretostartmyowncompany.Thefollowingmorning,KenandIplayedgolf.Thenightbeforeheleft

town,mywifeandchildrenjoinedusfordinnertogether.Atdinner,Ken lookedover at Jill and said, “Areyounervous about

yourhusbandleavingUpwithPeopleandstartingthisnewcareer?”Shewas, she admitted. Given that I’d spent so much of my career in thenonprofit sector and that I was leaving without a severance, Jill hadevery reason to be nervous. “Don’t be nervous,” Ken told her. “Yourhusbandhasanincrediblegifttocommunicatewithpeople.He’sgoingto make a huge impact on the lives of people.” His words were anincrediblecomfortforJill,andtheyrenewedmyownconfidenceinmydecisiontoleaveUpwithPeople.When I drove him to the airport the next day,we talked about the

challenges of starting a new venture. The biggest challenge for mostentrepreneurs,andcertainlyformeatthattime,iscashflow.Wehadaplan,ofcourse,butmoneywasgoingtobetight.Thenextweek,tomysurprise,Kensentmeachecktohelpfundmystartup.Anditwasn’tafewhundreddollarstocovergroceries.Itwasasignificantamount.Andherewe’dknowneachotherforonlyafewmonths.ButitmadeahugedifferenceingettingtheSpauldingCompaniesofftheground.My point? Ken lives the things he teaches in ways that go far, far

beyond the ordinary. He gave me his time, his energy, hisencouragement,andhis financial support—allwithouta thoughtaboutwhatwas“init”forhim.Noteverygiftoractofgivingcanbereturnedinkind.Butputtingthe

needsofothersfirstalwayshasanenormous,long-termpositiveimpactonpeopleandorganizationalcultures.Theseeminglymostinsignificantencounters with people—like my encounter with the bartender—oftenbecomethehighest-payinginvestmentsinlife,ifwe’llonlyletthem.TomFrance,KenBlanchard,JerryMiddel,andNoelCunninghamhave

allinvestedunselfishlyinme,evenwhenreasonindicatedthatsuchan

investmentmightnotpayanydividends.Theydiditbecausetheysawitastherightthingtodo.AndwhenIseepotentialinothersandachancetoinvestintheirsuccess,Ijumpatit.Icanonlyhopeithasafractionoftheimpactonsomeoneelsethatithadonme.Doorganizationsbenefitaswell?The short answer is yes. Sometimes the “get” was measurable—

increased customer loyalty and revenue, deeper employee loyalty andlowerturnover.Andsometimesthat“get”fallsintothe“soft”sideofthebalancesheets.“The real return,” Noel says, “is knowing in your heart that you’ve

helped inspirepeople tomakeadifference in theworld. Iknew inmyheart,Tommy,thatyou’dneverbethesameafterthattriptoEthiopia.AndIcan’tdescribewhatitfeelsliketoseeagroupofhigh-schoolkidsorganizeafund-raiseratmyrestauranttohelpthechildrenofEthiopia.Toseethemputinthatkindofworkandtakethatkindofprideastheyraise three thousandbucks.Thoseare thepaybacks.Whenyousee theglintintheireyes.”I don’t know thatNoel or any ofmy other Fifth Floor giver friends

haveeververbalizedtheLawofGive/GetortheLawofOutside/In,butIcansaywithconfidence that theymake those lawsapartofwho theyare and how they live. I also can say with great certainty that themultitude of opportunities they’ve taken to invest in other people—peoplelikeme—havemadetheworldaroundthemabetterplace.Tom France made his Rotary Club better because he lived out

Give/Get and Outside/In. Ken Blanchard makes the Ken BlanchardCompanies better because he lives out Give/Get and Outside/In. AndNoel Cunninghammakes Denver and Ethiopia better because he livesoutGive/GetandOutside/In.

When Fifth Floor givers lead large organizations, you get Fifth Floororganizations.AndthroughoutFifthFloororganizations,you’ll findthespiritofGive/GetandOutside/In.For example, Jim Click is a Fifth Floor friend ofminewho lives in

Tucson,Arizona.Jimrunsoneofthenation’slargestautomobiledealer

groups.Thethirteenfull-servicedealershipsthatmakeuptheJimClickAutomotiveTeambringannualrevenuesofmorethan$315million.Buthe’sequallywellknownforhisphilanthropy—atraithelearnedfromhisfather,Jim“Boompa”Click.TheJimClickAutomotiveTeam,theClickFamilyFoundation,andtheClickCharitableContributionsProgramhaveanearlyforty-yeartrackrecordforsupportingworthwhilecharities.NoothernameinArizonaismoresynonymouswithgivingthanJimClick.One of those charities is Linkages, a nonprofit Jim helped found in1996 as a resource for connecting the community’s disabled workerswithemployers.Linkageshasdevelopedpartnershipswitharoundforty-five agencies andmore than 160 employers, because Jim understandstheintrinsicvaluepeoplefeelwhentheyholdajob.Before he helped launch that program, Jim began modelingOutside/InandGive/Getathisdealerships.Jim’sdealershipsareoneofthestate’slargestemployersofdisabledworkers.During one of my Tucson visits, Jim took me on a tour, and westopped in several of his dealerships.A friendly employeewould openthe door. Another was pouring coffee for customers in the servicedepartment.Anotherwasonthelotwashingcars.Allhadsomephysicalormentalhandicap,butallhadsomethingproductivetodo.Jim leadsbyexample;his employeesandcustomersunderstand thathisbusinessrepresentssomethingfargreaterthanitself.It’sawayoflifeforhim,notaprogramoraPRcampaign.JimandIoncewalkedintoanice-creamshopforaquicksnack,andheleftafterpayingthetabforeveryoneinthestore.Anothertime,whenayoungboyadmiredhisColoradoRockiesbaseballcap,Jimtookoffthecap, adjusted it to fit the boy’s small head, and gave it to him. JimClick’sloveforpeopleiscontagious.But you don’t have to be a successful business owner to makeOutside/InandGive/Getapartofyourorganization.Consider themanagement approach of former naval officerMichaelAbrashoff. In1997,asthenewlyappointedcaptainoftheUSSBenfold,Abrashoff inherited a crew with horrible morale and a ship with asinking reputation. Uninspired and lightly motivated, the sailors hadgrown weary of an oppressive management style that had them all

lookingforwardtotheendoftheirtourandthechancetorejoincivilianlife.TheBenfoldwasExhibitAintheUnitedStatesNavy’sfailedattemptstorecruitandkeepgreatsailors.So Abrashoff took a radical leadership approach (especially for themilitary)thatinvolvedtrustinghiscrewandtreatingthemwithrespect.It’s often referred to as “grassroots” leadership, although it’s tough tohaverootsorgrassonaguided-missiledestroyer.Over two years, however, Abrashoff proved that a leader couldpracticeGive/GetandOutside/Inwithoutsacrificingdisciplineorchain-of-command respect. Indeed, Abrashoff was beloved by his crew, andtheybecameasdisciplinedasanycrewintheNavy.Soontheshipthatoutsiders ridiculed and insidersworkedhard to leave became the shipthat sailors longed to join and commanders trusted with the mostdifficultofmissions.Itdevelopedareputationforefficiency,creativity,andexcellence.AsAbrashoff(andhiscrew)putit,theBenfoldwas“thebestdamnshipintheNavy.”Onewayhe turned thingsaroundwas tomakeaneffortearlyon tointerview his crew, learning not only their names but somethingpersonalaboutthem—all310oftheminonemonth.That’soneofthoseideasthatsoundgreat—forotherleaders!Andit’seasytoimagineafaststart and a quick fizzle. Somewhere around that 200th interview,Abrashoffhadtosecond-guessthisparticulartactic.Buthestuckwithit.Hewent about building solid relationshipswith his officers and crew,fromthelowestranktothehighest.Long after those initial interviews, Abrashoff would regularly eatmeals with the enlistedmen, talk to them about their lives and theirwork, send notes to their parents praising themwhen they did thingswell,andencouragethemtotakeresponsibilityforimprovingtheirshipinanywaypossible.Abrashoff believed in his crew, trusted them, and did everythingwithinhispowertohelphiscrewsucceed,evenwhenitmeantriskinghisownadvancement.Theapproachnotonlyhelpedchangethecultureofhisorganizationandtheperformanceandmoraleofthecrew,butitchangedhim,aswell.

“Howcanyoutreatpeoplepoorlywhenyouknowandrespectthem?”Abrashoffwroteinhis2002bookIt’sYourShip(WarnerBusinessreprint,2009). “How can you put people down when you realize that thejourneytheyareonwillnotonlyimprovetheworkplaceandhelpyou,butwillimprovesocietyaswell?Ienjoyedhelpingthemfigureoutwhattheywantedinlifeandchartingacoursetogetthere.”

AfewyearsagoIrealizedthatJerryMiddel,despiteforty-someyearsofFifth Floor giving, had gone largely unrecognized by the largercommunity. This was no surprise, really, because Jerry gives moneyanonymouslyanddoesmuchofhischaritableworkbehindthescenesoronthefrontlines,notonthestage.So I led a campaign to present Jerry with the Denver Foundation’s

prestigious Minoru Yasui Community Volunteer Award. I also co-nominated him for the 2005 Outstanding Volunteer Award given byNationalPhilanthropyDayofColorado.ChampioningJerrywasasimplewayofshowingmyappreciationfor

allhehasdone—notjustforme,butforeveryonearoundhim.Notonlywas he worthy of the honors, but I knew his winning them mightheightenawarenessforthecauseshesupported.What I didn’t knowwas that theMinoru Yasui award came with a

significant cash prize. What do you think Jerry did with that awardmoney? He gave it away, to Leader’s Challenge, the nonprofit I’dfounded.Itwasmyturntobehumbledandhonored.Thiswasnoquidproquo—justaFifthFloorgiver livingout the lawsofOutside/InandGive/Get.

*Michael Bergdahl, The 10 Rules of SamWalton: Success Secrets for Remarkable Results (JohnWiley&Sons,2007).

*SilbertfoundedandrunstheDelanceyStreetFoundationinSanFrancisco.Formorethanthirtyyearsherfoundationhasoperatedavarietyofbusinessesstaffedbyhardenedex-convictswho,inmanycases,arethird-generationgangmembers.ThisquoteisfromthebookInfluencerbyKerryPatterson,JosephGrenny,DavidMaxfield,RonMcMillan,andAlSwitzler(McGraw-Hill,2007),whichchroniclessomeoftheunconventionaltechniquesshe’susedtofostersomeamazinglifechange.

*TheRotarian,May2009.

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Chapter35

Elevation:Advance,Link,andLift

teve Farber, the president of Extreme Leadership, earned hisstripesbyrunninghisownfinancialservicescompany,workingasdirector of service programs at the international training

consultancy TMI, and then serving for six years as vice president andofficialmouthpieceoftheTomPetersCompany.Nowhe’soneofthetopcorporatespeakersinthecountryandabestsellingauthoronleadership.I got to know Farber, as I call him, in 2006 when he spoke at the

Leader’s Challenge annual business breakfast fund-raiser. Two friendswhomIhavegreatrespectforconnectedthedots.TerryPearce,authorofLeadingOut Loud (Jossey-Bass, 2003), toldmeSteveFarberwas themost authentic person he had ever met—a huge compliment comingfromaguywhoregularlycoachesFortune500executivesonauthenticleadership. And Patrick Lencioni, author of The Five Dysfunctions of aTeam (Jossey-Bass, 2002), and the speaker at our Leader’s Challengeeventthepreviousyear,alsorecommendedFarber.SoJillandIwenttoLasVegastohearFarberspeak.Iwasblownaway

byhismessage.IcouldtellrightawaythatheandIsharedmanyofthesamevaluesabout leadership—inparticular, thecontrariannotion thatloveplays akey role in leadership excellence. In fact, hewas the firstpersonI’deverheardwhosoclearlyarticulatedwhatIhadalwaysseenasamissingmessageinthecorporateworld.Steveagreedtospeakatourfund-raiserforLeader’sChallenge.Inthe

course of getting to know him, he toldme that his son, Jeremy, wasabout to graduate from high school, but wasn’t really ready to startcollege.Jeremywantedtoseesomeoftheworldbeforesettlingintohisstudies.Atthetime,IwasplayingthedualrolesofpresidentandCEOofbothLeader’sChallengeandUpwithPeople.SoIsuggestedthatJeremyjoin one of the casts of Up with People. And he did—for eighteen

months. Eventually, Farber, at my urging, became a member of theinternationalboardofdirectorsofUpwithPeople.OneeveningwhenwebothhadspeakingengagementsinVancouver,we went out to dinner together. I told him how much I admired hiscareerasaspeakerandauthor,andexpressedadesiretotakemyowncareerdownasimilarpath.Iwasanaccomplishedspeaker,butnotinthecorporatearena.Steve lookedacross the tableatmeandsaid, “Tommy,notonlycanyoudoit,butI’mgoingtodoeverythingIcantohelpyougetthere.”Steve calls this GTY—Greater Than Yourself—and he explains it indetail in his book by that title (Broadway Books, 2009). His first twobooks—RadicalLeapandRadicalEdge (KaplanPublishing,2009)—werebestsellers,extremelycreativebusinessfictionstoriesthatusednarrativeto teacha larger lessonaboutwhathe calls “extreme” leadership (andlife). For those same reasons,Greater Than Yourself hit theWall StreetJournalbestsellerlistwithinamonthofthetimeitwasreleased.Stevebelieveseveryone shouldmentoranotherpersonwith thegoalof intentionally making that person “greater than yourself.” That’s amuchbiggerideathanjusthelpingsomeoneimprovehisskills.Whenhewaswritinghisbook,heaskedhimselfachallengingquestion:“WhoismyGTYproject?”StevegaveitsomethoughtandrealizedIwashisGTYproject. Stevewas amore accomplished corporate speaker and authorthanI,andbuildingthoseskillswasamajorgoalofmine.Sohegavemea call and we formalized what to that point had been an informalmentoringrelationship.But Steve doesn’t just want to help me succeed—he wants me tobecomemoreaccomplishedasaspeakerandwriterandthought-leaderthanhe is. Andhewantsme to findmyownGTYproject and do thesame for that person. It’s an approach we see often with parents andtheirchildren,teachersandtheirpupils,coachesandtheirathletes,butalmost never in the competitive world of the marketplace. Too manypeople live in fear that their own careers will inevitably sink if theyelevateanotherpersonabovethem.NotFarber.SoStevestartedgivingmeeverycontacthehadinthespeakingandpublishing worlds. He introduced me to his business manager. He

introduced me to his contacts at the top speakers’ bureaus. And oneevening when we were in Boston for a conference at Harvard, heintroducedmetohispublisher.“Ifthere’sanythingI’velearned,I’veshareditwithhim,”Stevesaysofourrelationship.“Nothing’satradesecret.I’mnottryingtobehelpful.We shouldall try tobehelpful.What I’mdoing is everything I can tomakeTommygreaterat this-stuff thanIam.Myfulfillment isgoingtocomefromlookingupandsaying,‘Thereheis.Hedidit.AndIwasabletohelphimwithaboosthereorthere.’That’sthepotofgoldattheendoftherainbowforme.”*

Steve’sabletowinthebattlesweallhavewithouregossothathecantakeprideinachievingthisgoal.We’vegotalongwaytogo,tobesure.Butunlikesomepreviousmentorsinmylife,IknowStevewon’tbailonmeifmysuccessbeginstooutshinehis.Norwillhegiveuponmeifthatsuccessisn’timmediate.Steve’s approachworks because it’s based on sincere, authentic lovefor another person. When that exists, ego doesn’t go away, but it’srelegatedtoitsproperplace.Whenwelovesomeone,hisorhersuccessismore important to us than our own.Andwe realize that nomatterhowmuchofourselveswegiveawayinhelpingmakethathappen,wenevergetdrainedofourownsuccess.StevelivesoutinaveryintentionalwaywhatIliketocalltheLawofElevation—the idea that we’re making the most of our relationshipswhen we’re intentionally lifting others to places they can’t go alone.There are three essential components to the Law of Elevation—Advancement,Link,andLift.Atitsbasiclevels,theLawofElevationmeanspointinganotherpersonin the right direction or introducing her to the right person, and thengetting out of theway. Itmeans being helpful. But that’s not enough.What really elevates this idea into something that makes fortransformationalrelationshipsisthefollow-through—thepartwherewedomorethanwhat’s“niceandhelpful.”GTYfitssquarelyinthatfirstcomponent:Advancement.GTY’sahigh-endversionofmentoring,soit’snotforeveryrelationship.ItworksforFarberwithmebecausehe’sbeensuccessfulinsomearenasinwhichI’d

liketosucceed,andbecausehe’sconfidentIhavetheskills,abilities,andpassionstosucceedinthosearenas,aswell.Sohecanreplicatehimself—orat least thosepartsofhimself—inmeby sharing informationandresources, by helpingme overcomemy flaws andweaknesses, and byencouraging me through the difficult transitions that inevitably comewithpersonalandprofessionalgrowth.ButtheLawofElevationcarriesapplicationsforallrelationships,not

just those in which we’re committed to teach, train, and mentorsomeonetobecomegreaterthanourselves.Theadvancementcomponentalsomeanshelpinganotherpersonreachtheirfullpotentialwhenithasnothingtodowithourskilllevelsorabilities.For instance, as a manager, I’ve always seen it as part of my

responsibility to know the dreams and aspirations of the people whoworkwithme.Iwanttoknowwheretheywanttobeinfiveortenyearsand what goals they have professionally. I also want to know, to theextenttheywanttosharethatwithme,what’sgoingonintheirpersonallives.What are their goals for theirmarriage and for their kids?Whataspirationsdotheyhaveawayfromtheoffice?Partofmy job is tohelp themachieve thosegoals.But Idon’t limit

thatapproachtomyemployees—orevenmyco-workers.Infact,Iseeitas something I canand shoulddowith everyone Imeet, includingmycustomers,clients,andvendors.If you work in sales, you no doubt understand the concept behind

“Solution Selling.” The idea is to find the needs of your customer andthenfigureouthowyourproductsorservicescanserveasasolutiontothoseneeds. It’sagoodmodel that,moreoften thannot,benefitsboththebuyerandtheseller,becauseitstartswiththequestionofhowoneperson or organization can help another. During my time with LotusDevelopment, theentire sales staff tookaweeklong training courseonSolutionSelling.But what if my products or services aren’t the solution to your

problems?DoItrytoretrofittheminordertomakethesale?Orwhatifyourbiggestchallengeshavenothingtodowithmybusiness?DoIjustwalkawayandhopethatourroadscrossatsomefuturedate?No!

Iwouldarguethatweshoulddoeverythingwithinourpowertohelpothersfindasolution.That’swhatpushesadvancementbeyondSolutionSelling. In the end, Solution Selling is still aboutmemakingmy salesquota.Advancementiswhenwehelpothersgetwheretheywanttogoandachievewhattheywanttoachieve.Sometimesthere’spersonalgainandsometimesthere’snot.Whenweprovidesolutionswithoutregardforourowngain—thinkofit as “solution giving”—we’re creatingmore than a network of clientsand customers.We’re creating lifelong, loyal relationships.Webecomepartoftherisingtidethatliftsallboats.

Ifwewanttoreallyhelppeople,wehavetobecomethelinkthatbringsthemtogether.IbecamesuchalinkforJimClickandCharlieMonfort.ImentionedJimearlier—he’smyfriendwhoownsseveralautomobiledealerships insouthernArizona.CharlieMonfort,alsoagoodfriend, istheownerofColoradoRockiesbaseballfranchise.AboutayearafterJimandImet,hecalledtosaythecivicleadersofTucson had asked him to help convince the Colorado Rockies to keeptheir spring training site in Tucson. The Rockies and the ArizonaDiamondbacksweretheonlyteamsbasedinTucsonstillplayingintheCactus League—the leaguemade up ofMajor League teams that holdtheirspringtraininginArizona.TheothersweremovingtoPhoenix.TheTucson leadership was concerned about the impact those moves werehavingontheireconomyandcommunity.JimknewIhadclosetieswithbusinessleadersinDenver,soheaskedifIknewanyonewiththeRockies.ItoldJimthatCharlieMonfortandthe Rockies organization bothwere friends and supporters of Leader’sChallenge,thenonprofitIhadfounded.AtthatpointIcouldhavegivenJimaphonenumberforCharlieandtoldhimtobesureandsaythat“Tommysaidtocall.”Thatwouldhavebeenhelpful. Instead, I calledCharlie directly and arranged ameetingwhereIflewtoTucsonandItookJimandsomeotherleaderstoaspringtraininggamewithCharlie.

Duringthetrip,Isetupadinnerforme,Jim,Charlie,andmypalKeliMcGregor, who was president of the Rockies organization. We spentseveralhourstalkingatoneofthecity’snicerItalianrestaurants.And,ofcourse,JimbroughtuphowimportantitwasforTucsontoremainthespringtraininghomeoftheRockies.Atthatmeeting,JimandCharliebegantheprocessofworkingoutthe

detailsthatwouldallowtheRockiestoremainforthefollowingyear.Ayear later we all met again for dinner, and, once again, the RockiesagreedtostayinTucson.My part in it? Not much. I had nothing to gain or lose no matter

where the Rockies decided to play their spring training games, orwhether or not Jim and Charlie became friends. I just saw anopportunity to introduce two good friends with mutual interests. Andtheybecame friendswith eachother. In fact, theRockiesdecided that2010wouldbetheirlastspringinTucsonbeforemovingtoScottsdale,asuburbofPhoenix.JimandCharlie,however,remainfriends.Theysharesimilarvaluesandinterests,andeachappreciatesandtruststheother.It’salwaysahomerunwhenyoucanconnecttwopeoplewherethey

both benefit. I constantly try to connect people across theworld whostand to gain professionally by working together and personally byknowingeachother—peoplewhocanmakea tremendous influenceontheirorganizations,theircommunities,andtheworld.

There’sathirdcomponenttotheLawofElevation.Thismightnotseemas practical on the surface as advancement and link. But lift plays animportantifall-too-oftenundervaluedroleinelevatingothersand,intheprocess,elevatingourrelationships.Weliftotherswhenwehonortheminsomeway,publiclyorprivately,

depending on the circumstances of the situation, with some form ofpraiseorrecognition—inotherwords,whenweactontheinstinctthattellsuswe’rethankfulforsomethingthepersonhasdone,eitherforusasanindividualorforourorganization.Managementgurushavelongbeatenthedrumofhonoringemployees,

especiallyinpublicways,fordoinggoodwork.Infact,someemployershaverunsoquicklywiththisideathatthey’vechargedrightoffacliff.

They have established all sorts of rewards programs without thinkingthroughthepotentialnegativeconsequences.Forinstance,howwillthe“non-winners” view the rewards? Will the rewards become anexpectation?Whathappenstoproductivityiftherewardsareremoved?I see rewards and recognition as part of a genuine relationship and,

therefore, as an expression of the heart, not a program. That doesn’tmean rewards programs can’t work, but that it is simply a differentdiscussion.Arewardsprogramtypicallyhonorssomeoneforsomethinghe’s earned and might reasonably expect to get because of his goodwork.It’ssortoflikeanairline’sfrequent-flyerprogram—calculatedandtransactional,notanauthenticresponseofgratitude.ThetypeofliftI’mtalkingabouthonorsthedeservingpersonatatimewhenshemightnotexpectitandwasn’tstrivingtoachieveanyspecialrecognition.Lift knows no limits. It’s open to everyone we know. Again, the

managementgurusarequicktopushustorecognizepeopleonourstafffortheirgoodwork,butIcontendweneedtotakethatanotherstep(ortwo or twenty). When opportunities present themselves, we need torecognize and honor people outside of our organizations—vendors,clients,customers,andanyoneelsewhocontributestooursuccessorthesuccessofthosearoundus.Many of us lift others every day in classic Dale Carnegie ways by

sending them thank-you notes or calling just to say thanks, or bywalking by their desks and offering some encouraging words ofgratitude.Onewaywecantakethatastepforwardisbyoffering“third-party”

compliments,wherewesingsomeone’spraisestoanotherperson.IfItellyouthatyoudidagreatjob,that’spowerful.Butit’sevenmorepowerfulifItellfiveotherpeople.For instance, I have a Fifth Floor relationshipwith Scott Bemis, the

long-time president and publisher of the Denver Business Journal.Remembermy all-star Fifth Floor team?Thatwas Scott Bemis playingshortstop.He’smyBuckyDent.ThefirsttimeImetScott,theBusinessJournalhadcomeoutwithits

annual “Forty under 40” list that recognized up-and-coming leaders intheDenverarea—fortyemerging leadersundertheageof forty.Asthe

thirty-two-year-old founder of Leader’s Challenge, I hadmade the cut,andhadbeenfeaturedintheJournal.Asaresult,Ihadbeeninvitedwiththeotherwinnerstoanawardsluncheoninourhonor.Whentheyannouncedournames,eachofuscametothefronttabletoshake hands with Scott. He handed us a plaque and a $100 giftcertificatetoMorton’sSteakhouse.Afterhecalledmyname,Igavehimabearhug,tuckedthecertificateinmypocket,andheadedbacktomyseat.Later,whenIwasbackatmyoffice,Ipulledoutthegiftcertificateand noticed that it felt odd—it was too thick. Scott accidentally hadgivenmetwocertificatesthatwerestucktogether.WhenIwroteScotta thank-younote, I includedtheextracertificatewithanexplanationofhowI’dendedupwithtwoofthem.Andwhenhegotthenote,hegavemeacall.“Thatwasverygoodofyou tosend thatback,”he toldme.“Lotsofpeoplewouldhavejustkeptit.Whowouldknow,right?”Thecertificate,hewentontosay,wasanextraandhesuggestedthatweuseitonanicelunchtogetheratMorton’s.Beforeyouknowit,Ihadanewfriend.Andthemorewegottogether,thecloserwegrew.Beforelong,Scottwasamentorandanall-starplayeronmyFifthFloorteam.One day I was having breakfast at Ellyngton’s in the Brown PalaceHotelandsawScottatoneofthetables,soIwalkedoverandsaidhello.Itturnedouthewasmeetingwithhisboss,WhitneyShaw,thepresidentand CEO of American City Business Journals in Charlotte, NorthCarolina.We exchanged a few pleasantries and I left. But as IwalkedawayIwonderedifMr.ShawhadanyideahowtrulyvaluableScottwastotheDenverBusinessJournal—notjustforhisbusinessacumen,butasaleaderandambassadorthroughouttheDenvercommunity.SoIsenthimahandwrittenlettersingingScott’spraises.Ididn’twantScotttoknowthatIhaddoneit;Ijustwantedtomakesurehisbossknewhowpeople inDenverfeltaboutScott. ImentionitnowonlybecauseMr.ShawmentionedittoScott,andScottmentionedhowmuchheappreciatedit.Weneverknowhowmuchsuchprivateactsofhonormightmeantoothers.MyfatherspenthiscareerteachingjuniorhighschoolEnglish,andhe

wasinvolvedinallsortsofactivitiesintheschoolandthecommunity.He directed school musicals, served as the adviser for the schoolnewspaper,washeadof the teachers’ union, taughtpiano lessons, andcoached the ski team. He had a huge impact on countless studentsduringnearlyfortyyearsinthepublicschools.ButoneofhismostprizedpossessionsisaletterhereceivedabouttenyearsbeforeheretiredfromthedirectorofadmissionsatMIT.

DearMr.Spaulding:EachyearweaskstudentsadmittedtoMITtosharewithusthenameof a teacher who has been especially influential in that student’sdevelopment.We congratulate you on being named this year by: Bandita N.Joarder.Moreimportantly,wethankyouforthetime,patience,expertise,love,disciplineandall theotherqualitieswhichhavehadsuchanimportantimpactonyourstudents.Youdotheworkfromwhichweallbenefit.Congratulations again on the respect you have earned from yourstudents.

Sincerely,MichaelC.BehnkeDirectorofAdmissions

The fact that this student singled outmy dadwas a great source ofencouragement for him. That small initiative on the part of MITprovided a reminder to the students that they didn’t get into aprestigious university without help, while no doubt providingencouragement to teachers all across the country. To my dad, thosekindsofletterswerespecial.Weneverknowwhenaletterornoteofencouragementwe’vewrittenwillprovidealifttosomeonewhentheyneeditmost.Dr. Jim Bearden, the longest-serving professor at East Carolina’sSchoolofBusiness,approachedmeafterIhadgiventhecommencement

address at ECU’s 100th Anniversary graduation. He and I shared acommon vision, he said, to see ECU create a culture that madeleadershipacorecompetencyofeverygraduatingstudent.Themorewetalked, the more I appreciated the years he’d spent in the front-linebattles of creating that culture. Sowhen I returned a book that I hadborrowedfromhim,Iincludedahandwrittennoteonasix-by-ninepieceofpapertornfromastenopad,tellinghim,

DearJim,You’rechangingtheuniversityonestudent,onestaffmember,andonefacultymemberatatime.

Love,Tommy

AyearlaterIwasvisitinghiminhisoffice,sharingthechallengesoftrying tomakemeaningful change as the leader-in-residence at ECU. Iwasworkingtocreatetheverytypeofleadershipprogramheenvisionedfortheschool,andIknewhecouldrelatetomychallenges.“Tommy,Iwanttoshowyousomething,”hesaid.Andthenhepicked

upaframefromhisdeskandhandedittome.ItwasthenoteIhadsenthim,framedandgivenaplaceofhonorinhisoffice.Myattempttolifthimhadcomefullcircle—whatIhadusedtohonorandencouragehim,henowusedtohonorandencourageme!There are times, however, when thank-you notes or third-party

compliments simply aren’t enough.Weneed to domore. That’swhy Inominated JerryMiddel for an award honoring his charity work, andthat’swhy I campaigned to help himwin it. It’s alsowhy I flewTomFranceandhiswifetoDenver.TomFrancewastheRotarianfrommyhometownwhoseemedtobe

thereateveryturntohelpmealongtheway.As you’ll remember, Tomnominatedme to attend theRotaryYouth

LeadershipAcademy(RYLA)when Iwas fifteen,helpingmegetaspoteventhoughI lackedtherequiredgrades.HeorganizedaRotary fund-raiser tohelppay formy travelswithUpwithPeople.When Iapplied

for the Rotary International Ambassadorial Scholarship, I neededsomeone frommy local club tonominateme.Tomdid it.Healsowasmy biggest advocate on the selection committee, and he was the onewholatertoldmehowthebartenderhadcastthedecidingvote.WhenIappliedforacongressionalinternshipinWashington,D.C.,Tomnotonlywrotea letterofrecommendationbutmadeacallonmybehalf toourcongressman.AndwhenIbecamepresidentandCEOofUpwithPeopleandwantedtobringacasttoSuffernHighSchoolforabenefitconcertto raise money for Lori Nolan’s scholarship fund, Tom France got hisRotaryclubtosponsortheevent.Tomwasn’t whatmost peoplewould consider a high-profile leader,

buthehadaFifthFloorrelationshipwithhiscommunity.ThedecoratedWorldWarIIpilotreturnedtohishomestateofNewYorkaftercollege,startedaheatingandairserviceinSuffern,becameactiveinRotaryandotherworthyorganizations,andraisedafamilythatlearned(asdidI)byhisexamples.Hewasn’twealthyby theworld’s standards,buthegaveawaythingsthatcan’tbemeasuredinabankbook.SoIwentthroughlifethankingTomFranceforhisimpactonme.AsI

traveled the world after high school and college, I constantly sentpostcardstoTom.“HereIaminItaly.Thanksformakingthispossible.Iloveyou.”“Business school in Australia is awesome. I never could have made it

withoutyou.Thankssomuch.”“Japanisfascinating.Iwishyouwereheretoshareit.Missyouandthink

ofyouoften.Thanksforchangingmylife.”IwantedhimtoknowhowmuchIappreciatedall thathehaddone

forme. I sent himdozens of cards, and I foundmany specialways tothank him over the years. But there’s a difference between thankingsomeoneandhonoringhim. I sendfiftyhandwritten thank-younotesaweek to people I know and respect. I’ve been doing this for nearlytwentyyears.WethankSecondandThirdFloorrelationships.Wethankand honor Fourth and Fifth Floor relationships, and Iwanted to honorTom.Ifoundmybigchancein2004whentheDenverRotaryClubaskedme

togive thekeynote speechatabanquethonoring thegraduatesof the

Denver Kids program (thementorship program inwhichmy pal JerryMiddelwasdeeplyinvolved).Tom’s wife, Lu, grew up in Denver, and Tom had a degree from

DenverUniversity. Theymetwhile hewas in school there, but it hadbeen years since they had been back. So I called Tom and told him IwantedtoflythemtoColoradosotheycouldvisit familyandattendaspecialRotaryevent.JohnSchafer,whoatthattimewasthegeneralmanagerattheDenver

Hyatt-Regency,donatedahotelroomforTomandLufortheirstay,andJillandItookthemtodinneroneevening.AttheRotarybanquet,Ihadthemseatedatatableatthefront.Itwasn’tuntilhesawIwassittingattheheadtablethatherealizedIwaspartoftheprogram.TheDenverRotaryClub hasmore than four hundredmembers, and

thebanquethallwasfullforthisevent.AroundfiftykidswhohadbeenthroughtheDenverKidsprogramweregraduatingfromhighschool,soRotarywashonoringthemandthementorswhohadmadeadifferenceintheirlives.MykeynotefocusedonmentoringandontheimportanceofRotaryinourcommunities.I told thestoryof thisRotarianIknewwhoexemplifiedthe“service

aboveself”mottoofRotary.ThenItoldtheaudienceallthethingsTomhaddoneasamentortome,withoutmentioningTom’sname.“I’ve had a twenty-year history with Rotary,” I said, “and this one

Rotarianhasbeenthethreadinthatexperience.Inmyopinion,he’sthegreatest Rotarian I’ve ever met. And he’s with us today. Ladies andgentlemen,IwantyoutomeetTomFrance—thegreatestRotarianintheworld.”And I asked him to stand in front of all of these peoplewho didn’t

knowhim.“AlltheseDenverKidshadmentors,”Isaid,“andTomFrancewasmy

mentor.”Tomwas crying as he stood, holding his wife’s hand. The audience

gavehimastandingovation.TheentireplacerockedforTom.Andwhenitwasover,Tomwasswarmedbypeoplewhowantedtoshakehishand.ThreeyearslaterIsatwithTomFranceattheUpwithPeoplebenefit

concert for Lori Nolan. That was the last time I saw Tom. He died amonthlater,inDecember2007,justafewweeksafterhiseighty-fourthbirthday. And that’s when I realized how important it is to recognizepeople,publicly,whenevertheopportunitypresentsitself.TomFrancehasbeenoneofthethreemostinfluentialmentorsinmy

life(alongwithmyfatherandJerryMiddel).Hedidn’thelpmethroughlife to gain recognition. He helped me because he cared. He literallychangedmylife.

*http://greaterthanyourself.com

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Chapter36

ServingtheStakeholders

tephanieWilmer, James LaFrenz, andOfficer ChristopherHudaklive in vastly differentworlds. They don’t know each other, andit’s unlikely that they’ll ever meet. But these three people—a

bookkeeperatanonprofitorganization,acustomerservicemanagerforan airline, and a small-town police officer–represent some veryimportant ways relationships become more than ordinary. They alsorepresent the three distinct categories of stakeholderswe encounter inourpursuitofFifthFloorrelationships.Everyonewithinanorganization,fromfrontlineworkerstomanagers

totheCEO,board,andowner,needstounderstandandpursuemorethanrelationshipswith threedistinctgroups—internalstakeholders,externalstakeholders,andcommunitystakeholders(or,asI’vecometoseethem,the“forgottenstakeholders”).Weholdastakeineveryrelationship,andall relationships fit within one of those three groups, includingrelationshipswithpeoplewehardlyknoworwe’veneverevenmet.As a bookkeeper at Up with People during my tenure as that

organization’s CEO, Stephanie Wilmer was an “internal stakeholder.”Shereportedtosomeonewhoreportedtome,butweallwerepartofthesameteam.Everyonewithinyourorganizationisaninternalstakeholder—yourpeers,yourboss,yourdirectreports,yourindirectreports,justtonamethemostobvious.James LaFrenz met my wife and me as we raced to make an

internationalflightononeofthosedayswhendestinyseemedouttogetus.As customersofFrontierAirlines,wewereexternal stakeholders inJames’sworld.Likeallcustomers,vendors,clients,shareholders,donors,investors,andpartners,wedidn’tworkwithorforhim,butheplayedahuge role in something that mattered greatly to us—getting on thatflight.

OfficerChristopherHudakandIhavenevermet,andyetwestillhavea relationship. We have a relationship because we live on the sameplanet.We’re part of a global community that,when it operates at itsbest, serves each other in times of need. We become aware of thoseneedsandrespondtothembyputtingourselvesinapositiontoseethemandrespondtothem,andthat’showOfficerHudakandIconnected.Acommunityisaliving,breathingorganismmadeupofstakeholdersfrom all spheres of life—religion, business, education, nonprofits, thegovernment. Knowing these stakeholders isn’t enough—we have todevelopmore than relationships thatproduceabiggerbenefit for themand everyone around them. That’s where Fifth Floor relationshipsbecomeout-of-this-worldpowerful—nottomentionfulfillingandfun!

InternalStakeholders

The messages we send to our internal stakeholders—management,employees,peers,andsoon—isthemessagetheywillsendtoeachotherandtotheoutsideworld.Ifwetellthemwe’reallaboutthemoneyandthemarketshare,that’sthemessagethey’llcommunicatetoeachotherandtotheirclients,althoughmostwon’tdoitovertly.Ifwecommunicate(withactionsandwords)thatwehavetomakeaprofitandgrowmarketsharetosurvive,butthatourapproachtothosegoals startswithbuilding transformativeFifthFloor relationships, thenthat’sthemessagethey’llcommunicate.Whenwedevelopacultureinwhichrelationshipsmatter,innovationand productivity increase, trust becomes foundational, turnover drops,andmoraleskyrockets.Ourorganizationbenefits,andsodoeseveryonewithin it.Butwehave toput forthan intentionaleffort tomake theserelationshipsmatter,andnotjustwiththepeoplearounduswhoareinanobviouspositiontohelpadvanceourcareers.OurvicepresidentoffinanceatUpwithPeoplecamebymyofficeoneday and suggested I treat Stephanie Wilmer to lunch, to show theorganization’s gratitude for the fine work she’d been doing as ourbookkeeper. It seemed likeagreat idea, so I sentherane-mailaskingherabouther favoriterestaurants,andthenscheduleda timeforus to

go.Partofme,however,wasn’ttoojazzedabouttheappointment,andithadnothingtodowithStephanie.OneofmybiggestresponsibilitiesatUpwith Peoplewasmanaging relationshipswith our board, sponsors,anddonors,andtheopportunitiestonurturethoserelationshipsusuallyrevolvedaroundmeals.Fromafinancialstandpoint,itmademuchmoresensetohavelunchwithadonorwhogavethousandsofdollarstoourorganizationthanwithsomeonewhohelpedkeeptrackofthosedollars.We make choices every day about where we invest our time andenergy when it comes to managing relationships within ourorganizations. Most of us split it into at least three categories: wemanageup (with thepeoplewe report to),wemanagedown (with thepeoplewhoreporttous),andwemanagearound(withthepeoplewhoareourpeers).They’reall important. It’softentempting,however, tosellout tothe“kissing up” culture—that all-too-frequent pull to pucker up onlywiththosewhocanadvanceourcareersbecauseoftheirinfluenceoverthingslike our salary, our bonus, and our job security. Sincerity knows nogreaterenemythana“kissingup”culture.Instead,weneedtoinvestina“lovingdown”culture—onethatequallyvaluesthepeoplewhoworkwithusandforus.I kept my appointment with Stephanie, and it was one of the bestlunches I had that month. I got to know someone I didn’t knowparticularlywell, and Iwalked away feeling like I’d “won” somethingbecauseofthetimeI’dspentwiththissinglemotherwhowasworkingsohard tomakeendsmeet. Sheencouragedand inspiredme.And theinvestmentofonelunchshowedherthatwevaluedherasaperson,aswellasfortheworkshedid.Every person has something of value to offer every other person—StephaniehadsomethingtooffermeandIhadsomethingtoofferher.There are timeswhen that “something” is obvious and big, and othertimeswhenit’ssubtleorwhenitmighttakeweeks,months,oryearstofullyappreciateit.Ifweonlyfocusonthepeoplewhoareaboveusontheorganizationalchartthenwelimitourviewandouropportunitiesforgrowth.Wehave

tolookallaroundus,givingwhatwehavetogiveandsoakinginwhatothers have to offer, whether he or she is a bartender, a janitor, abookkeeper,oraCEO.AnydoubtsaboutwhetherStephanieappreciatedthe lunchwereput

torestduringmygoing-awaypartya fewmonths later. IwassteppingdownaspresidentandCEO,and Ihadbuiltmanygreat friendshipsaswe shared in the struggle to breathe new life and energy into a greatorganization. Lots of people respected my leadership skills—vision,inspiration, my ability to build a board and a donor base—but thesinceretearsonStephanie’scheeksasshegavemeahugprovidedmorejoy than any of the money I’d helped raise or, really, any otheraccomplishment I’d achieved. She cared aboutme because she knew Icaredabouther.WhenIwastoldaboutherstellarjobperformance,Icouldhavesent

Stephanieapersonalnote—Iabsolutelylovewritingnotestopeople,andIhighlyrecommendit—orwecouldhavegivenheragiftofsomesort.Therearelotsofwaystoshowourappreciationforpeople,andthere’snoneedtoseethemaseither/orpropositions.Butfewthingshavemoreimpact than sitting face-to-face with someone and giving them yourtime, your attention, and your encouragement as you learn a littlesomethingaboutwhotheyareasaperson.Now at this point you might be thinking, That’s all well and good,

Spaulding,butdidthatlunchreallymakethisemployeeabetterbookkeeper?Didithaveanymeasurableimpactonyourorganization?Well, she alreadywas a great bookkeeper—that’swhy I took her to

lunch!But I think shewasanevenbetter employeebecause sheknewwecaredabouther.Ithinkshewashappierandmoreenergeticandthatothersaroundherbenefitedfromthat,aswell.But here’swhat I know for sure: If you’re only “kissing up” in your

organizational culture, then the people around you never feelempoweredandloved.Andovertime,thataffectstheirperformanceandtheir morale. It begins to show up in every nook and cranny of theorganization,usuallyintheformsofboredomandcynicism.Insteadofa“why not?” attitude, people embrace a “why bother?” approach. Thegoalbecomestogetthroughthedaywithasfewhasslesaspossible—a

self-focused agenda rather than one that instinctively serves thecustomers,theorganization,andthecommunity.WhenwecreateaculturethatpursuesFifthFloorrelationshipsamonginternalstakeholders,we’recreatingaculturethatultimatelybestservesthe organization’s bottom line. It sounds counterintuitive, but it’s aprovenmodel.For instance,whilemost airlines struggled for survival over the lastfew decades—and some of them didn’t make it—Southwest Airlinesmadeitselfafront-runnerinlargepartbecauseofitscommitmenttoitsinternalstakeholders.ConsiderthatfromAprilthroughJune2008,whiletheothermajorairlineslostacollective$6billion,Southwestshoweditssixty-ninth consecutive profitable quarter. It also was the only majorairlinetoreportaprofitinthefirstquarterof2009.It began with challenging the traditional view that the customer isNumber One. In the Southwest Airlines organizational chart, theemployeesaretheNumberOneconstituents.Southwestunderstandsthatif you take care of employees and build a culture of trust and respectwith them, then those employees will work hard and serve customersbetter.That,ofcourse,leadstorepeatbusinessfromthecustomersandto greater efficiency from the employees, two key factors in growingmarketshareandrevenue.Southwest’smission statement, crafted in1988when theairline stillwasanup-and-comer,makesnomentionofprofits ormarket share. Itfocusesonservicetothecustomerandtoitsemployees:

The mission of Southwest Airlines is dedication to the highestquality of Customer Service delivered with a sense of warmth,friendliness,individualpride,andCompanySpirit.ToOurEmployees—wearecommittedtoprovideourEmployees

astableworkenvironmentwithequalopportunityforlearningandpersonal growth. Creativity and innovation are encouraged forimproving the effectiveness of Southwest Airlines. Above all,Employeeswill beprovided the same concern, respect, and caringattitude within the organization that they are expected to shareexternallywitheverySouthwestCustomer.*

That’sallwarmandfuzzy,youmightsay,butdoesSouthwestAirlinesreallylivethatoutand,ifso,doesitreallywork?Yesandyes.Southwestlivesitoutinallsortsofways,atalllevels.Youhearitin

thevoicesandseeitintheattitudeswhenyoucheckinforaflight,getreadytoboarda flight,or listento the flightattendantgothroughtheannouncements.Acompanycantellitsemployeestobehavethatway,buthowdoesit

create a culture in which they do it naturally? There is no oneprescription or program, but amultitude of actions and attitudes thataddupovertime.Southwest Airlines, for instance, doesn’t cover the walls of its

corporate headquarters with portraits of its executives and boardmembers,orwithworksby famousartists. Instead, it framesphotosofitsemployeesandtheirfamilies.Itmightseemminor,butit’sapowerfulmessageaboutthethingsthecompanyvalues.Or consider Chick-fil-A’s long-standing policy of closing on Sunday.

Thinkaboutit:in2008,salesatChick-fil-A’s1,428storestopped$2.96billionwithout taking in a dime onwhat’s historically the third-most-productive day for its competitors (only Fridays and Saturdays arebigger).Thesimplisticviewof theChick-fil-Apolicy is that it’snothingmore

thantheowner’spersonalreligiousvaluesandthatithasnothingtodowith “good business.” But Truett Cathy, the founder of Chick-fil-A,believes that the concept of the Sabbath—an intentional time off—isgood business, in part because of the impact it has on his internalstakeholders. It tells them the company values their time away fromtheir jobs and that it wants them to invest in friendships, faith, andfamily.Andittellsthemthatrestisimportant—totheirpersonalhealthaswellasthatofthecompany.“As leaderswehave theresponsibilityofmanaging theenergy that’s

withinourpeople,”DanCathy,Truett’ssonandthecompany’spresidentandCOO,oncesaid.“Particularlyintoday’sknowledge-basedeconomy,we’re really managing innovation and creativity. And innovation andcreativitycomefromarestedmind.”*

IserveonanationalboardwithDanCathy,andhe’soneofthemostgenuine and generous people I know. He shares his dad’s values andlivesthemouteachday,notjustwhenhe’stakingSundayoff.Thewayheandhisdadandtheothermembersoftheirleadershipteamrespectand care for their co-workers filters down and throughout theirorganization, all the way to the teenager handing you a soda at thedrive-through.Building“rest”intoitscorporatecultureisjustonewaythatChick-fil-

A“gives”toitsoperatorsandemployees.And,moreimportant,it’snottheway.LeadersinorganizationslikeChick-fil-AandSouthwestAirlinesunderstand that valuing internal stakeholders isn’t a program but amindset. Programs and policies ultimately reflect that mindset andreinforceit,buttheyseldom,ifever,createit.Themindsetinspiresandshapes a thousand little decisions each day. Most of all, the mindsetcreates something that’svital to the successofeveryorganization—themosteffectivemotivationaltoolintheworld:relationalauthority.Inorganizationswithahigh levelof relationalauthority,peoplerise

tothechallengestheyfaceinethical,creativeways.Theysupporteachother and grow together as a teamwith common bonds and commongoals. Without it—well, in most cases the results include poorrelationships, weak sales, decreased customer satisfaction, highemployeeturnoverrates,anddeclinesinrepeatbusiness.Theinternalstakeholdersofanorganizationareitslife-blood,because

the health of those relationships always shows up in how theorganizationpresentsitselftotheoutsideworld.Asick,anemicinternalculture eventually shows itself to clients, customers, donors, vendors,andstockholdersaspaleandhollow.Just about every industry has seen at least one outwardly healthy

company crumble, or even die, from these types of internalwounds—Enron,WorldCom,FannieMae,andFreddieMac—andthosearejustthehigh-profileexamples.Noteverycompanyororganizationthatsacrificeslong-term health for short-term results ends up meeting such aninglorious demise, but few survive without the need for some serioussurgery.Leaders—regardless of where they are in the organizational chart—

haveachoiceaboutwhat theywant spreading throughout their ranks.Theycangowiththecancerofgreedorthetonicofrelationalauthority.Eitherway,theyshouldn’tbesurprisedbytheresults.

ExternalStakeholders

Wewereheading to the airport in aheavy snowstorm,but thatdidn’tmatter because sunny Mexico awaited! A week-long pre-Christmasvacationatafriend’shomeinCaboSanLucas—whatcouldbebetter?Well,onethingcouldhavebeenbetter:drivingtotheairportwithourairlinetickets,passports,andmywallet.Weusuallyleaveforsuchtripsinarushtypicalofafamilywithsmallchildren,butonthisdayeverythinghadgoneeerilysmoothly.Thatwasgreatforme,becauseI’macreatureoforderandroutine.I’mthesortofguywholikestoleavethehousecleanwhenwegoonvacation,soI’malways the lastoneout. Idoa lastchecktoensureeverything is in itsplace,andthenIgrabmybriefcase fromthekitchenbarstool, lockthedoorasIwalkout,andoffwego.Not this time. This time the briefcase with our airline tickets andpassports remained on the barstool, andwe didn’t realizemymistakeuntilwegottotheDenverairport,someforty-fiveminutesaway.I’vemade thousands of flights, including international trips tomorethan sixty countries, so I know the ropes, and I know how I need toadjustwhenI’mwithmyfamilyasopposedtotravelingsolo.SoIpulleduptotheterminalasolidtwohoursbeforeourflighttodropoffJillandtwoofourthreechildren,CarolineandTate.Ihadplentyoftimetoparkthecarandcatchtheshuttlebacksowecouldallcheckin.That’swhenithitme: for the first time inallmyyearsof traveling, Inotonlyhadforgotten something, I had forgotten something we couldn’t travelwithout!Nowallet.Nopassports.NoCabo.Wehadnochanceofmaking ithomeandbackandstillmakingourflight,soIdroveandJillbegancallingsomeofourFifthFloorfriends.Thefirstoneshereached—ourneighborJonPardew—immediatelywent

toourhouse,retrievedthebriefcase,andmetushalfwaytotheairportfor a ten-second hand-off in a parking lot just off one of the tollwayexits. I’m not sure his vehicle or ours ever fully stopped as we rolleddown our windows, made the exchange, and headed back for thehighway.Still,timeworkedagainstus.Therenowwouldn’tbetimetodropoffJillandthekids,parkthecar,andridetheshuttlebacktotheterminal.Andtakingtheshuttlewithourluggageandthekidswasn’tanoption.SowecalledTimandCheryl Sheahan, two friendswho livednear theairport.Theyagreedtomeetusattheterminal,helpusunload,takemykeys,anddosomething—wereallydidn’tcarewhatatthispoint—withourcar.As we made our way back to the airport, our mental calculatorsproduced nothing but bad news. The wet snowmade road conditionspoorandtravelslow.Sowhenmyphonerang,JillanswereditsothatIcouldfocusontheslickhighway.LaterI’dlearnthatthecallwasfromJamesLaFrenz,thecustomer-servicemanagerwithFrontierAirlines.“I’m justcheckingonyou,”he said. “Your flight toCabo ison time.Areyoustillplanningtotraveltoday?”Jill made our long story short and told him we were still twentyminutesaway.Afewsecondslatershewasreadingallthepassportsandcheckingusinoverthephone.Whenwegottotheairport,TimandCherylwerethere—andsowasJames.He loaded our luggage onto a cart, handed us our tickets, andsentus to thegate. “Don’tworryaboutyour luggage,”he said. “You’llseeitinCabo.Gettothegate.”Wezippedthroughthesecurityline—oneadvantageoffrequentflying—butJill’sbaggotpulled,andthesecurityagentwasnottoohappytofindthealwayssuspicious“babyfood”inthebagofamotherwithaten-month-oldboyonherarm.“We’regoingtobeinaremotearea,andIdon’tknowifthebabyfoodtherewillbeOK,”Jillexplained.“We’llhavetoopenallthirtyjarsandcheckit,”theagentsaid.Jill,asyoumightexpect,begantofreakout,whilehernormallycalm

husbandwasinsistingthatweleavethebaby’sfoodandgotothegate.Just then, from the cornerofmyeye, I sawJamesLaFrenzandbeganyelling his name.Hewalked over and I started explaining our newestplight.Hestoppedmeinmidsentence,grabbedthebagoffood,andsaid,“Don’tworry.I’mgoingtomakethishappen.”Sooffwewenttothegate, trustingJamestokeephisword.Andhe

did.Wegoton theplane just in time,and the fourofus,our luggage,andourbabyfoodallmadeittoCabo.DidImentionthatFirstFloorrelationshipsareimportant?Myfamily

needednothingmorefromthecustomer-serviceagentattheairportthanagoodand smooth transaction—weneed toget checked inandget toourflight.Forthat tohappen, though,hehadtotreatusassomethingmorethanatransaction—andhetreateduslikewesharedspaceonhispersonalFifthFloor.James and my family found ourselves in a relationship between

external stakeholders, and while the circumstances were unique (Ihope!), we all deal daily with external stakeholders—clients, vendors,shareholders, donors, investors, and partners. And they base theiropinion of us largely on howwe treat them. Part of that involves thequality of what we deliver, but the quality of the human interactionalwaysplaysaparamountrole.Manyfinecompaniesbuildtheirentirebrandsontheconceptofgreat

customer service.Whenever some business magazine releases a list ofthe best of the best in customer service, you’ll see such stalwarts asUSAA (insurance), Four Seasons (hotels),Nordstrom (retail),WegmansFood (supermarkets), Edward Jones (brokerage), and Starbucks(restaurants).For them, it’s all about the relationship with the client, customer,

investor, andothers.But this requiresaFifthFloor focuswith internalstakeholders that produces the type of motivation and enthusiasm togeneratemorethanrelationshipswithexternalstakeholders.“Despite theirdifferences,mostof thenamesonour list sharea few

importanttraits,”BusinessWeekwrotethefirst timeitreleasedrankingsfor the top twenty-five customer service companies. “They emphasizeemployee loyalty as much as customer loyalty, keeping their people

happywithgenerousbenefitsandperks.”*

Happy,motivated,committed,andloyalinternalstakeholdersbecomeambassadors who produce happy, motivated, committed, and loyalexternalstakeholders.TheformerchairmanandpresidentofFrontierAirlineswasafriendof

mine,butknowinghim—oreventhecurrentpresident—wasn’tgoingtoget my wife and me on our flight any sooner. That one employee’sdedicationtothecompany’svisionforcustomerservicecertainlydid.Externalstakeholders,ofcourse,aren’talwayssoshort-term.Wealso

havelong-termrelationshipswithvendors,withdonors,withinvestors,andwithpartners, and it’s critical thatweearn their trust and loyaltyovertimebyseeingthemaspotentialFifthFloorrelationships.When I took over as president and CEO of Up with People, the

organizationwasmakingacomebackfromnearbankruptcy.Thethirty-five-year-oldorganizationclosedin2000,andthenrelaunchedin2004andhiredmein2005.IhadbeenacastmemberandIhadworkedintheorganizationforayearwhenI firstmovedtoDenver. Ibelievedintheorganizationandknewmostofitsstrengthsandweaknesses.The near-death experience, however, left many board members,

donors, host families, and twenty thousand alumni around the worldmore than a bit queasy. But those groups represented the key to anypossible rebirth and survival. I knew the only way to turn the shiparoundwastogettheexternalstakeholderstobuyintoournewvision.Ialsoknewinmyheartthattomoveforwardasanorganizationwehadtoownthemistakesofourpast.Thatwasnoeasytask.Insomecases,itmeant cutting ties with longtime supporters who weren’t willing tochange.Manyof theproblemsthatcausedtheorganizationtoclose itsdoors

left wounds on the thousands of external stakeholders who lovinglysupporteditsgreatworks.Creatinganewvision,anewfinancialmodel,andnewstrategieswasonlypartofmychallenge.Theywould takeusnowherewithoutbuy-infromtherightpeople.SoformyfirsttwoyearsasCEO,Ilivedinairports.Itraveledtomore

than a hundred cities on three continents, speaking to hundreds ofalumniandconstituentgroups, sharing thenewvisionandowning the

mistakes of the organization’s past, giving them hope that we wouldrebuild the organization, and cultivating relationships to ensure oursuccess. I often stayedwithhost families to save the companymoney,andIrebuiltbridgeswithouressentialexternalstakeholders.Few organizations intentionally neglect their external stakeholders,

butthere’softenahugegapbetweenwherethoserelationshipsareandwhere they could or should be. Too often, these relationship stay onroutine transactions of the First or Second floors. Taking them to theThird, Fourth, and even Fifth floors generates unmatched loyalty andcreates partnerships that become the rising tide that lifts all boats—yours,theirs,andeveryone’saroundyou.

TheForgottenStakeholders

My father is among thehumblest,most unassumingpeople you’d everencounter,andhe’salsoamongtheleast“networked.”Hetaughtmetohavegoodnessinmyheartandtoloveothersateveryopportunity,butheneversaidanythingaboutusingrelationshipstohelpgrowabusinessor raise money or collect on favors. He only told me that I had anobligation tomakea contribution to theworld.That,he said,was thepriceweallpaidforlivinginafreesociety.AndeventhoughI’vebeenblessedwithFifthFloorrelationshipswith

many wealthy and influential people, my dad never asked me toleverageoneofthemonhisbehalf—untilMarch2009.“Tommy,”hesaidwhenIansweredhisphonecallthatday,“Ihavea

favortoaskyou.”If Ihadadollar forevery timemydadcalledandaskeda favor, I’d

haveadollar,soIfiguredsomethingimportantwasgoingon.ItturnedoutthatoneofourneighborsinSuffern,NewYork,washelpingwithafund-raiser for Christopher Hudak, a police officer in nearby Ramapo.Officer Hudak’s wife, Michelle—the daughter of a retired police chiefandthesisterofastatetrooper—haddiedearlierintheyearduringthebirth of the couple’s fifth child. The Ramapo Policeman’s BenevolentAssociationheldanauctionandpartytoraisemoneyforthenowsingle-fatherwithfiveyoungchildren.

My dad said, “Tommy, I want to do something to help this policeofficer. Our next-door neighbor knows this officer very well and sayshe’sawonderfulperson.”As it turned out,OfficerHudakwas a hugeNewYork Jets fanwho

greatly admired Brett Favre. The longtime Green Bay Packersquarterback played the 2008 season with the Jets. Since I have arelationshipwithWoodyJohnson,theowneroftheJets(wemetin1996whileworking together on BobDole’s presidential campaign), I calledhisassistantandexplainedtheofficer’sstory.Afewdays later Igotaphonecall frommydad,whowasnearly in

tears.Hehadjustreceivedtwofootballs.OnewassignedbytheentireNewYork Jets team to auctionoff at the fund-raiser. Theotherhad asignedpersonalmessageofencouragementforOfficerHudakfromBrettFavre.ThisisthehiddenvalueofFifthFloorrelationships,orwhatIcallthe

LawofInfluence:relationshipsreachtheirgreatestpotentialwhentheyelevateotherswithoutregardforpersonalgain.Asthisstoryunfolded,everybodywon.Myfatherwonbecausehewas

ahero tohisnext-doorneighbor.Hisneighborwonbecausehegotanauctionitemofsignificantvaluetodonatetotheworthycause.Nothing,ofcourse,couldlessenthetragedyofOfficerHudakandhisfamily.Butthe money from auctioning the football helped him keep his job andraise his family,while the other football offered encouragement and afondmemoryofaneventthatshowedhimhowmuchthepeoplearoundhimcaredforhimandhischildren.AndtheNewYorkJetswonbecausetheydidsomethinggreatforthecommunityofNewYork.Iwontoo.Iwonthe joythatcamefromusingmyrelationshipwithWoodyso thathecouldserveothers.If IhadabusedmyrelationshipwithWoodyovertheyears—ifIhad

only called asking for box seats or for a signed football formy sonorsomeotherpersonalfavor—thenourrelationshipneverwouldhavehadanopportunity to impactOfficerHudak’s life.Woody’sassistantwouldhavesentmycalltovoicemail’sversionofthedead-letterdepartment.But if we’re known for calling in favors that benefit others with noexpectations for ourselves, we’ll have a whole different outcome with

thoserelationships.That doesn’t mean we can’t expect a return on our giving.

Unconditional giving and ROI—or ROR—aren’t mutually exclusive;therearetimeswhenyoucanexpectresults.Indeed,responsiblegivingrequires that we give strategically of our time, talents, andmoney sothatthegreatestbenefitsarerealized.John D. Rockefeller created a legacy of Fifth Floor philanthropy

anchored on the idea of giving that addressed what he saw as“inefficiencies.”Crime,forinstance,wasan“inefficiency”withinsociety,sohehelpedfundprogramsthataddressedcrime,buthemadesuretheywerewellrunandeffective.Hewantedareturnonhisinvestment.The organizations that are having the greatest impact,whether they

aresmall,privatelyownedbusinessesorgiantpubliccompanies,aretheones that find creative ways to leverage their giving for the greatestreturn.Inmyroleasaconsultant,IteachcompanieshowtobuildFifthFloor

relationships with their customers and vendors, and how to generateFifthFloorcustomerservice.ButIalsohelpthemtransitionfromtheoldmodel of community giving plans to the new business model ofcommunity investing. These plans are strategic and targeted, and theyoffer the greatest potential benefits to the company and the charities.Nonprofits have to leverage their outreach to benefit companies. Andcompanies have to leverage their relationship with nonprofits so theycancreateareturnontheirinvestmentthatincludes

moremarketingexposuremorebrandawarenessgreateremployeeengagementstrongercustomerretentionmoreeffectivepublicrelationsandhighersalesandprofitability

Sometimes organizations need innovative ways to create andimplement giving strategies. Or they need help building relationshipswithnonprofits that are accustomed to simplyholdingout theirhands

andaskingformoneyratherthanseeingcompaniesasstrategicpartners.Or they need help learningwhat itmeans to turn all of that focus oncorporate social responsibility into something that’smeaningful to theindividualsthroughouttheirorganization.The Spaulding Companies not only help figure out creativepartnerships between for-profits and nonprofits, they also offer team-buildingandcommunityserviceprogramscenteredaroundwhatwecalltheGive/GetChallenge.Nomoreropescourses.We’vesetupa“dayofservice” for organizations, andwehave a “build a bike” program thatteachesteamwork,qualitymanagement,andcustomerservice—allwhileprovidingnewbikesforunderprivilegedkids.Asoftenasanything,however,anorganizationneedstofigureoutthecauses thatmake themost sense given the company’smission, vision,and values. Not long ago, for instance, Coca-Cola adopted “waterstewardship” as one of its primary targets for giving. Why? Becausewaterisakeyingredientinitsproduct.I learned the thinking behind this approach during a visit withThomasMattia, Coca-Cola’s senior vice president forworldwidepublicaffairs and communications.Thomas explainedhowCEONeville Isdellhad led an effort that helped the company change from a vast andvarious giving strategy to a focused and intentional communityinvestment strategy. Coca-Cola, like increasing numbers of otherresponsible companies, is looking for a return from its communityinvestments, and not just a feel-good proposition. It wants to bestrategic, efficient, and effective—whether it’s investing in a newfactory,anewadvertisingcampaign,orwaterstewardshipinitiatives.Manycompanies—verygenerouscompanies—havea“givinglist”thatlooks like my baseball card collection. It’s a shoe-box or two full ofcausesthataren’tconnectedinanyparticularwayandthatdon’tbringany significant return back to the company, its partners, or itsemployees.Moreandmorecompanies,however,aremovingawayfromthe vast and various strategy of giving to a focused and intentionalstrategyforcommunityinvestment.ThemostgivingcorporationinallofColorado,inmyopinion,isCoorsBrewing Company. Either through the corporate giving program or its

foundation, the brewery headed by Pete Coors is known for giving tojustabouteveryworthwhilecause.Petewasontheinternationalboardof directors of Up with People and remained a strong supporter ofLeader’sChallenge,soI’vegottentoknowhimpersonally. Iknowhowstronglyhefeelsabouthelpingothers.Coorsgivestoliterallyhundredsofworthycauses.So,notlongago,whileIwashavinglunchwithAlTimothy,thevicepresidentofcommunityaffairs forMillerCoors, Iaskedhimaquestion:“Whenitcomestoyourcorporategiving,whatdopeoplesayyoustandfor?”Alischargedwithredefiningtheircorporategivingstrategy.Whentheanswerwaseverything,theanswerwasnothing.Youcan’tjustgivemoneytoallthechirpingbirds;youhavetobemorestrategic.SoMillerCoorsisintheprocessofdefiningwhatthecompanystandsforwithitsphilanthropy—definingitnotasgiving,butasinvesting.Butthat’samuchgreaterinitiativethensimplycallingaboardmeetingandaskingtheleadershipteamfora listof theirpetprojectsandcauses.Adeep, meaningful corporate investment program seeks the opinions oftheemployeesandalignswiththeirinterests,notjusttheinterestsofitsexecutiveleadership.Anditinvolvesnotjustthechecksthatarewritten,but the way companies engage their employees and customers in thecommunity.Everyemployeeofanorganizationshouldbeloyaltothreethings:themissionof the company, the customers or constituents they serve, andthe welfare of the community. If an organization’s giving fails togenerate loyalty in those two areas, its corporate investment programisn’tmuchbetterthanaboxfulofbaseballcardstakingupspaceinthebasement.ThisiswhereyoucantakethephilosophyandidealsofbuildingFifthFloor relationships and being a Fifth Floor giver out of the personalrealm and infuse them into a company’s programs, activities, andstrategiesinpowerful,world-changingways.Somereturnsonrelationshipsaremeasurable,suchasthevaluethatanorganizationalbrandgetsfromthegoodwillthatcomeswithselflessgiving. And there are tax benefits to giving, as well. But most of thebenefitsarelessobvious,orperhapshardertoquantify,andareattheir

greatestwhenthegivingcomeswithoutexpectations.That’s why this type of giving is important to the culture of anorganization.Whenemployeesteamuptovolunteeratevents, toserveonboards,toworkoncommittees,ortodonatemoney,there’sareturninthequalityoflifethroughouttheircommunityandthere’sareturninthe way those employees see themselves and, therefore, in how theyapproachtheirwork.ThisisanessentialbuildingblockinwhatBillGateslikestorefertoas“creative capitalism”—the idea that the business community can andshouldharnessitscollectiveresourcesforthegreatergoodofmankind.“The vastmajority of the power, innovation, and ability to execute intheworldisinbusiness,”Gatessays.“Ifeachcompanycanthinkabouthow5percentoftheirinnovativepowercouldfocusontheneedsofthepoorest and how we could tap more scientists, more resources, moreabilities,itwouldbegreat.”*

The importance of corporate financial giving isn’t going away, butthose dollars are supercharged when a corporate culture valuescommunitystakeholdersandbacksupthatcommitmentwithaction.These thingsworktogether for leaderswhoseekcreative, innovativewaystocombinethem.For instance,more than leadersseeserviceasaprivilege rather than as a punishment. How often do you hear aboutsomeone being “sentenced” to community service? Judges “sentence”criminals to community service. School principals “sentence” troubledstudentstocommunityservice.Whatkindofmessageisthat?We must send a message—to individuals and organizations—thatcommunity service is a privilege and not a punishment. That’s theessenceofLeader’sChallenge,thenonprofitIfoundedadecadeago,andtodayit’s theessenceof theNationalLeadershipAcademy.Wehavetoteachouryouth thatvolunteerism iswhatyoudowhenyouaredoingsomethingright,notapunishmentfordoingsomethingwrong.Andit’samessagewehavetolearnandliveoutasadults.Shirley Chisholm, the first black woman elected to Congress, calledservice“therentwepayfortheprivilegeoflivingonthisearth,”andIgrewupwithmydadechoingthosewordsinmyears.Thequestion, for individualsandorganizationsalike, is this:Arewe

payingourrent?

*http://www.southwest.com/about_swa/mission.html

*TheLife@WorkJournal,July/August1999,vol.2,no.4.

*BusinessWeek,March2,2007.

*TheRotarian,May2009.

M

Chapter37

Warnings

y father and my grandfather had a relationship that spentdecades in thebasement.GordonSpaulding lefthiswife (mygrandmother)onedaywithoutsomuchasasee-you-laterand

startedanewlifethatdidn’tincludehisone-year-oldson.HecamebacktoNewYork to visit his parents, but he seldom sawmy dad over thenexttwenty-fiveyears.Myparentsinvitedhimtotheirweddingin1966,buthedidn’tshow

up.Aboutfivemonthslater,however,hestoodatmyparents’apartmentinNewCity,NewYork,toaskforafavor:Hewantedhelpgettingoutofhis$100-a-monthalimonypayments.Mydadpolitelydeclinedtohelp.Growing up, I knew very little about my grandfather. We knew he

livedsomewhereinMichiganandthathegothismailfromusatapostofficeboxinToledo,Ohio.EveryyearmyparentssentaChristmascardtohim,andtheyoccasionallysentpicturesofmysistersandme.Butwedidn’tknowwhereheactuallylived.MysistersandIhadnointeractionwithourgrandfather.Novisits.No

phonecalls.Noletters.NoChristmascards.Thenoneday,whenIwasasophomore in high school, my dad answered the phone and heard avoicehehadn’theardsincethedayhisfatherlefthisapartmentinNewCity.“My wife’s dying,” Gordon Spaulding said. “I have no other family

beyond her, and I’d really like to start having a relationshipwith youandmygrandchildren.”It tookahugeact of courageandgrace formy father to forgivehis

dad and welcome him home for the visit that began an incrediblehealingprocess.Hadhenotdonethat,Iprobablyneverwouldhavemetmygrandfather,muchlessgottentoknowhim.

Two years later, when I was eighteen and traveling with Up withPeople,mygrandfatherflewtoOrlandoandspenttwodayswiththecastandme. It was themost unbelievable two days ofmy life.We had awonderful time together, but I later learned my grandfather had bigconcernswhenitcametomyfuture.Afterourvisit,hesentmydad themostbeautifulhandwritten lettertellinghimthatmydad’sgreatestaccomplishmentwasthetremendousjob he had done raising his children.He sangmy praises, but he alsowrotesomethingthatbrokemyheart.“Tommy has an unbelievable love and trust for human beings,” hewrote.“Andthisworldisfilledwithjealousy,cynicsandcritics—peoplewho will surely take advantage of him and not appreciate his kindheart.”Having worked for years in security for Ford Motor Company, mygrandfatherunderstoodthedarkersideofhumannature.Iwasidealisticand trusting and giving—fresh, raw meat, in his view, that couldn’tsurviveforlonginthedog-eat-dogworld.Andinmanywayshecouldn’thavebeenmore right.As Imentioned in earlier chapters, I have beenhurtmany times.Mentors have letmedown.Employees have stabbedme in the back. Family and friends have betrayed me. People don’talwaysreturnakindheartwithkindness.Theworldisn’tperfectbecausepeoplearen’tperfect—includingme.This reality has providedmewith opportunities to learnmany hardlessons through the years, and from those lessons I’ve identified somevalid warnings when it comes to building relationships—especiallyrelationshipswiththepotentialofreachingthePenthouse.

WarningNo.1:ChooseYourTeamsandClosestRelationshipsWisely

We can start off treating every relationship as a potential Fifth Floorrelationship, but we can’t have a deep relationship with everyone wemeet.Wehavetodecidewhichrelationshipsmeritourtimeandenergyfromabusinessperspective,whichoneswewanttopursueeveniftheydon’tconnecttoourbusinessinterests,andwhichoneswewon’tfollow

upon.There are all kinds of valid reasons for choosing not to build arelationshipwithsomepeople.Buttheharderthingistorecognizewhento back away because the relationship is potentially destructive. Thevalueswetalkedaboutinpreviouschaptersneedtorunbothwaysforarelationship to move beyond the lower floors. Wisdom allows us toevaluatewherearelationshipisheadedanddecidewherewewantittogo.All relationshipsstartwithasetofboundaries,andwisdomhelpsusdefine thoseboundaries andknowwhat todowhen they’repushedorwhenlinesarecrossed.Sometimes the boundaries are partly defined by the positionalauthority of our professional relationship. A CEO with a hundredemployees, for instance, should have a relationship with all of thoseworkers,andshemightevenhaveaFifthFloorrelationshipwithafew.But she can’t, and probably shouldn’t, be close personal friends witheveryoneofthem.Weneedtolearnwhentowalkawayfromarelationship.If a person has proven himself untrustworthy, cynical, jealous, ormanipulative,orifhedoesn’tshareourvalues,thenwe’rewisetowalkaway.We can maintain relationships on the first three floors with peoplewhodon’tshareandliveoutourvalues.Andifthey’reopentoit,wecancoach,mentor,andguidethemtowardnewwaysofthinkingandliving.Butwecan’tforceourvaluesonothers.Leadershipisn’tjustaboutwhatrelationshipswe sayyes to;more important, it’swhat relationshipswesayno to.Therearepeoplewe shouldn’t trust and justdon’t likeverymuch,and,hardasitistobelieve,therearepeoplewhowon’tlikeus.Therearetimeswhenit’sbestsimplytomoveon.Knowingwhentowalkawaycomesfromwisdom,whichishonedbyexperience andknowledgebut also by the counsel of our all-star FifthFloor teams. That same wisdom can allow us to heal basement-levelrelationshipswiththetypeofgraceandforgivenessmyfatherextendedtohisfather.Thisismybiggestweakness.WhenIfeelpeoplehavewrongedme,I

tend toput the relationship in thebasement, lock thedoor,and throwaway the key. Forgiving those who have wronged or betrayed medoesn’tcomeeasily.It’ssomethingmywifeandmymentorsconstantlychallengemeonandholdmeaccountableto,butit’sanareaI’malwaysstrugglingtoimprove.

WarningNo.2:KnowWhentoSayNo

Weneedwisdomtounderstandwhenweshoulddeveloparelationshipandwhenweshouldwalkaway,butwealsoneedthedisciplinetosayno when we’re in a relationship. The temptation, good-intentionedthoughitmightbe,istoembraceeveryrequestandeveryneeduntilwelook up and realize our good intentions have written checks that ourminds and bodies simply can’t cash. We have over-promised andinevitablywe’llunder-deliver.Whenwe say no in the rightways at the right times,we’re staying

true to ourselves. And we’re staying true to the people around us—clients,customers,co-workers,andanyoneelsewhoisdependingonustokeepourpromises.IcallthistheLawofNo:It’sbettertosaynotosomethingyoucan’t

deliver than yes to something that you don’t deliver on. Few thingswreckabusinessorpersonalrelationshiplikeconsistentlyfailingtokeepapromise,whetherit’smissingadeadlineorcominginoverbudgetonaprojectorfallingshortofstandardsofexcellence.In business, our ability to say what we’ll do and do what we say

reveals something about us to our customers, clients, and otherassociates, regardless ofwhetherwe’re telling them yes or no. It addspower to our “yes” because they know we’re not prone toovercommitments.Theyknowwe’lldeliver.Anditletsthemacceptour“no,” because they understand and trust that we have genuine,honorablereasonsfornotsayingyes.

WarningNo.3:BewareofRelationshipCancer

Unhealthyhabitscankeeparelationship fromreaching thePenthouse,or knock thebest relationshipsdown to the lower floors.And, in fact,thehigheryouclimbinarelationship,thedeeperthepainwhenitfalls.Soifwe’regoingtoexperiencethejoysoflivingoutrelationshipsontheFifthFloor,wealsoneedtounderstandtheriskthatthoserelationshipscanendwithsearingpain.I’ve had valued relationships crumble because of gossip,overcompetitiveness, narcissism, self-agendas, insecurities, selfishness–allthenegativetraitsthateatawayatoursouls.It’simpossibletohaveaFourthorFifthFloorrelationshipwhenanyofthesetraitsexist,andtheworstoftheserelationshipcancersisjealousy.Nothing kills more relationships than jealousy—that dark passionwhichpredatesevenCainandAbel.Whenweletourinsecuritiesdriveus to envy and jealousy,we start acting out of bitterness and anger—oftentowardtheverypeoplewhocarethemostaboutusorwhoareinthebestpositionstohelpus.Webecomereactive,petty,small-minded,and weak.We let the world around us define our value at a rate farbelowourtrueworth.IlearnedahardlessonabouttheuglinessofenvywhenIwasinhighschool, and it totally reshaped theway I viewedand responded to thesuccessofpeoplearoundme.Imentioned early on thatmy childhood sweetheartwas LoriNolan,butLoriandIdatedotherpeopleduringourjuniorandsenioryearsofhigh school. During the spring of my junior year I was dating JennCesca,and that’swho I took to the juniorprom.Everythingwasgoinggreat that evening until the time came for the final song—“Come SailAway,”aballadbyStyxthatfitwiththeprom’s“sailing”theme.Asvicepresidentof the juniorclass, Iwasresponsible forhelpingtoorganizetheprom.Iwasdealingwithsomenow-forgottenofficialdutywhenthefinaldanceofthenightbegan.ThatwaswhenIlookedupandsawJennonthedancefloorwithCoreyTurer,mybestfriend.Corey was the most loyal friend a guy could have. He’d never doanything to hurtme. Neitherwould Jenn. I should have been thrilledthatmy best friend—someone I totally trusted—was dancingwithmydatewhileIwasoccupiedwith“prombusiness.”

Instead,Iwaslivid.Overcomebymy insecurities, a jealous anger filledmyheart.When

the final song, and the prom, ended, I quietly gave Jenn the coldshoulder.Wegot in thecar togo toanafter-promparty,and I turnedintothebiggestjerkyou’veevermet.Jennhadnoideawhy,because,ofcourse,Iwasn’ttellingher.FinallysheinsistedthatItellwhatwasgoingon,andwegotintoan

argument. Iwanted toknowwhy shedidn’t come findme for the lastdance.And I gave in to the temper that I like to blame on having anItalianmotherandanIrishfather. Infact, Igotsoupsetthatwhenwegottoastoplight,Igotoutofthecarandwalkedaway.Jenn,whowasdriving,followedmeforseveralblocksandtriedtopersuademetogetmebackinthecar,butIkeptwalking—allthewayhome.“Howwastheprom?”mydadaskedwhenIwalkedintothehouse.“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit,”Isaid,andwentstraighttomyroom.To my father’s credit, he gave me some space. He didn’t push, or

lecture.He letmegocooloff,knowingthe timewouldcomeforus totalk.AboutthirtyminuteslaterIheardaknockatthefrontdoor.Ilooked

out my window to see Jenn’s car in the driveway. Then I heard hertalkingtomydad.ThenIheardhercrying.I stayed in my room until my father came up and knocked on my

door. He came in and sat beside me on the bed, his arm around myshoulder.Becausehenever lecturedmeandseldomofferedadvice,hiswordscarriedspecialweight.“Tommy,everyoneliveswithjealousyintheirhearts,”hesaid.“It’sa

normal,naturalthing.Butjealousyistheugliestqualitythatsomebodycanhave.Thesooneryouworkonthisandunderstandhowuglyitcanbeandhowitruinsrelationships,thehappieryouwillbeinyourlife.”Thenhe toldme Iwas totallywrong in theway Ihad treatedJenn,

andthatIowedheranapology.Andhewasright.IknewthenthatIwaswrong,andImadeavowthatIwouldnever

giveintothatuglinessagain.AndIcan’trecallasingletimesincethen

thatI’vesabotagedarelationshipbecauseIwasjealous.Ifeelitattimes.Weallfeelit.Butweallhaveachoiceaboutwhethertocontrolitorletit control us. And ifwewant to build andmaintain relationships thatmatter,wehavetocontrolit.Unfortunately,ourhumanstrugglewithjealousyisn’tsomethingthat

goesawayaswematurebeyondourhighschoolyears. It’s thestuffofheadlines;itcandriveotherwiserationalpeopletoirrationalbehaviors.Professorsfalsifyresearch.Coachespadtheirrésumés.Accountantscooktheirbooks.Salesmenspreadrumorsabouttheirteammates.Peoplelie,cheat, steal, and even sometimes kill because they are consumed byjealousy.Clearly,there’snoplaceinaFifthFloorrelationshipforthiscancer.So

thefirstthingwehavetoovercomeaswebuildmeaningfulrelationshipsis our insecurities. Then we can embrace the success of others, evenwhenit’sgreaterthanourownsuccess.In my Fifth Floor relationships, there is no jealousy. The more

successfulthosefriendsareinlife,thehappierIam.Igetgreatjoyfromseeingthemsucceed,andtheyviewmysuccessthesameway.ManyofmyFifth Floor relationships arewith peoplewho aremore

successful than I. And that’s fine. Who better to learn from? I loveplayinggolf,butI’mnotparticularlygood.Myhandicapisabouta25,butIloveplayingwithlow-handicappersbecausetheymakemebetter.AndIliketohangoutwithsuccessfulpeople.I’mnotthreatenedbytheirsuccess;I’minspiredbyit.If you’re in sales and others on the sales team are pulling in better

numbers,learnfromthem.Ifyougetpassedoverforapromotion,givethat other person her due and self-reflect on the things you need toimprovetogetthenextpromotion.Iftheregionalvicepresidentfliesinandtakesahandfulofpeopletodinnerbutyouaren’toneofthem,don’tassume itwaspersonal.Evaluatewhatyoumighthavedone toget aninvite,butalsoconsiderthestrategicreasonsshemighthavepickedthepeoplewhowent.When Iexaminemyunhealthy relationships, Inever struggle to find

faults.Icanownthembecausetheyaremine.Idon’tneedtocreateorallowanotherone,andthat’sallI’mdoingwhenIallowtheuglinessof

jealousytocontrolme.

WarningNo.4:NotEveryRelationshipLastsForever

Sometimesbadhabitskilleventhebestofrelationships.Thentherearetherelationshipsthatlosesomeoftheirmeaningeitherbecausewedon’tgive them enough attention or simply because circumstances change.Sometimeswe feel theurge to cling to those relationships, despite thedegreetowhichthey’vechanged,butoftenI’vefounditisbesttoreleasethem.Therearestudiesthatclaimmostofushavenomorethanthreeclosefriends, and that those friends change over the course of about sevenyears.I’vebeenfortunatetodefythosestatistics.Ithinkmostofuscando much, much better than that. I believe we can have dozens ofPenthouse relationships, and that most can last a lifetime. But I alsounderstand that some of our Penthouse friends today might be ThirdFloor friends tenyears fromnow, justbecauseeachofuschanges toadegreeovertime.We takenew jobs,move tonew cities.Wemove intonew stages oflife.Circlesthatonceoverlappedmaynolongereventouch.Some relationships can withstand any change in circumstances. ButPenthouserelationshipscan’tbeforced.Wehavetowork tokeepthemhealthy.Wehavetoinvestinthemandvaluethemandnevertakethemforgranted.Butwecan’tmakethemsomethingthey’renot.IhavesomegreatThirdFloorfriendshipsthatoncewerePenthouserelationships,butcircumstanceskeptus fromregularly investing ineachother.TheyarestillfriendsIcancountonintoughtimes,andtheycancountonme.Evaluateyourrelationshipswithclarityandhonesty.Knowthatyou’redoingwhatyoucantokeepthemhealthy.Theobjectiveistocultivaterelationships—with employees, co-workers, vendors, clients, andcustomers—asiftheycanbecomePenthouserelationships,buttovaluethemwherevertheyare.

WarningNo.5:LearnfromYourCritics,butDon’tBecomeTheirSlave

Slave

My time as president andCEOofUpwith Peoplewasn’t always filledwith“ups.”Outwardly the organization provides great opportunities for youngpeopletoseeandservetheworld,learnlessonsaboutleadership,engagein different cultures, and build bridges of understanding. The programabsolutelychangedmylife.OfallthenonprofitorganizationsI’vebeeninvolved in, including the ones I’ve founded, I know of none with agreatermission than that ofUpwith People. And the casts and crewsandstaffaregreatatlivingoutthemissionastheytraveltheworld.Inwardly, however, the organization has long struggled withleadership problems at its highest levels. The higher up you went, infact, themore the organization struggledwith narcissism and jealousyandhiddenagendas.Theseniorleadership,frankly,wasn’tlivingoutthemission.Whenitshutdownin2000,itwasmoreaboutasicknesswithintheleadershipculturethanitsabilitytobalancethebooks.WhenItookoveraspresidentandCEOin2005,mystatedgoalwasto“cut the cancer out.” But it kept on growing back, partly because Iallowedit.Our efforts to build Penthouse relationships, especially in worksettings,cancreateatendencytogivetoomuchauthoritytothevoicesof our critics. We want to be understanding and empathetic, and, ofcourse,weoftenlearnthemostfromthosewhodisagreewithus.Butweneedthewisdomtoseparateconstructivecriticism—thefeedbackthat’sdelivered with good intentions—from the people motivated by selfishagendasandnotthegoalsoftheteam.Tom France, the Rotarian who mentored me in my youth, told metherewere three types of people in theworld—leaders, followers, andcritics.Theworldisstarvingforleadersanditneedsfollowers,hesaid,butithaswaytoomanycritics.Thosecriticsoftenaretheillwindthatblowsintothefaceofaleader.Andthehigheryouareontheflagpole,theharderthewindblows.When IwaspresidentandCEOofUpwithPeople, therewere timeswhenIlistenedfartoomuchtothe5percentonourboard,withinouralumni, and throughout our staffwho criticized loudly and frequently.

Some fired arrows that were right on target, but most, frankly, justwanted to hear their own voices or get their ownway or counter theplansofothers.When I led defensively—focusing on countering those voices—the

organizationsuffered.IlostopportunitiestocreateagenuineFifthFloorcultureamongthe95percent thathadtheorganization’sbest interestsatheart.I’mproudofmanyofouraccomplishmentsatUpwithPeoplewhileI

was in the CEO chair, and I’m certainly proud of how well the hostfamilies, alumni, staff, and cast members lived out the organization’snew twenty-first-century vision we created together. But I learned agreatdeal frommyfailingswhile there. Inmynearly fouryearsat thehelmofUpwithPeople,what I learnedmostwas that there’smore toleadership than just protecting the mission of the organization—youhavetoprotecttheculture.Acancerousculturecansabotageahealthymission—andeventuallysabotageyourheart.

SECTIONFIVE

PuttingPurposeFirst

B

Chapter38

Relationships+Vision=Impact

ythispointIhopeI’vebuiltmycasefortheimportanceofdeep,meaningful relationships and provided a few significant lessonson how to build them. Collecting relationships isn’t enough—

evenifthoserelationshipsareinthePenthouse.The greater question is this: What will you do with those

relationships?When you map out the business plan for your life, how do your

relationships fit in? In other words, what’s your vision for yourrelationships?Considerthissimpleformulaforchangingtheworld:Relationships+Vision=Impact.The phrase “changing the world” might come across as a little

intimidating,butitshouldn’t.Wechangetheworldonerelationshipatatime. We change the world by having relationships that impact ourfamily, our friends, our church, and our business/work. If ourrelationshipsimpactthosethings,theywill impactourcommunity,ourcity,ourstate,ourcountry,andtheworld.WemighttraveltoEthiopiatodelivermedical supplies,orwemightnever leave theboundariesofourhometown—butifwe’reguidedbyavisionforourrelationships,wecanchangetheworld.Togiveourrelationshipswithotherstheopportunityforthegreatest

impact,theyhavetoincludeasharedvision.A shared vision isn’t someworn-out and seldom-read statement that

definesanorganization’spurposeandmission.Asharedvisionis,quiteliterally, a shared picture of who you are as a person, where you’regoing, and where you and those around you want to take yourrelationship.It’snotaboutanorganization.It’saboutpeople.

A shared vision is vibrant, filled with bold colors and dynamicbrushstrokes that fuel the imagination, inspire hope, and empoweraction. Vision is that thing—that wonderful, beautiful, almostindescribablelivingthing—thatmakesourheartspumpjustalittlefasterand liftsour spirits inways thatnothingelse can. Itmight livewithinthe context of a plan and mission, but it breaths creativity andspontaneityintoarelationship.Wetendtothinkofvisioninorganizationalterms.Butthere’ssomuchmore.We need vision in our personal life, in our spiritual life, in ourcareer,inourfriendships,inourprofessionalrelationships,inourteams,in…well,injustabouteveryhumanencounter.In fact, vision is critical to Fifth Floor relationships. In our closest,deepest,mosttransformativerelationships,it’sessentialthatweshareineachother’svision.Wehavetoknowwherewe’reheading,individuallyand together.Andwehave tobe committed tohelpingeachothergetthere.Shared visions give power andmeaning to Fifth Floor relationships.But there’s significant power in shared visionwith relationships at alllevels.WhenUpwithPeoplehiredmeas itspresidentandCEO,wehad tocreate a new vision for a proud, forty-year-old organization that hadbeen forced to close itsdoors fiveyears earlier.Wedidn’tneedanewmission statement. We needed a fresh way of executing that missionstatement.Itwasmyresponsibilitytohelpcreatethatvisionandthentoshareitwithotherssoweallcouldliveitout.ThefirstbigtestcameinLosAngelesaroundaconferencetableintheoffice of Baron Hilton, the head of Hilton Hotels and the son of thatcompany’sfounder.J.BlantonBelk,thefounderofUpwithPeople,andIwerepayingavisittoMr.Hiltonandhisson,SteveHilton,whoisthepresidentandCEOoftheConradHiltonFoundation.ThiswasthefirststoponaworldwidetourforMr.Belkandme.Weneeded to raise $3 million to relaunch Up with People, so we werestartingwiththepeoplewhohadhelpedmakeitsogreatduringitsfirstfortyyears.When we arrived, Mr. Belk and Mr. Hilton shared story after story

about those first four decades and all the great things they’d seenUpwithPeopleaccomplish.TheytalkedabouthowUpwithPeoplewasthefirst international organization to go into the Soviet Union andCommunist China, and about all the thousands of lives that had beentouched by the host families, cast members, and staff. I found ithumbling;thesharedloveandrespectbetweenthetwomenwasvisible.ThenMr.Hiltonlookedatme.“Mr.Spaulding,”hesaidashechewedonhiscigar,“Iknowwedidn’tcomeheresoBlantonandIcouldreminisce.We’vetalkedaboutthelastfortyyears, and thoseweregreatyears.Butwhat’s yourvision for thenextfortyyears?”It was a great question, because it went to the heart of Up withPeople’schallenge.AsmuchashelovedUpwithPeople’spast,hewasn’tgoingtoinvestmoremoneyinituntilhewassoldonitsfuture.HislongrelationshipwiththeorganizationandwithBlantonwasn’tenough.“Mr.Hilton,” I said, “Upwith People didn’t go bankrupt financiallyback in 2000. It went bankrupt of vision. Up with People had suchwonderfulvisionwhenitwasfoundedinthe1960s.Thenextgenerationofleadership,however,didn’thaveatwenty-first-centuryvision.Itwaslivingonatwentieth-centuryvision,anditneededsomethingnew.Theworldchanged,andthevisiondidn’tchangewithit.”Then I walked him through our vision for Up with People in thetwenty-firstcentury.Whenweownourmistakesofthepast,itaddscredibilitytoourplansforthefuture,andIthinkMr.Hiltonsawthat.Hesawthatweweren’tgoingbacktothesameoldwaysthatwerenolongerrelevant.Hesawthatwehadvision.Andhegaveusamilliondollarstohelpbringittolife.We have to share vision not only with our clients, customers, andotherexternalstakeholders,butwithourinternalstakeholdersaswell.WhenKeliMcGregortookoveraspresidentoftheColoradoRockiesinOctober2001,heknewtheclimboutofmediocrity fora small-marketteam in Major League Baseball was as steep as the mountains thatsurroundDenver.

When the Rockies became a franchise, owners Charlie and DickMonforthadpledgedtoruntheteamlikeabusiness,notahobby.Butwhen Keli became president, the Rockies were losingmoney. For onething,theyhadpouredaround$190millionintoacoupleofhigh-profilepitchers (Denny Neagle and Mike Hampton) who didn’t work out.Seasonticketsaleswerelowandplayoffappearanceswererare—they’dbeentothepost-seasononlyonceinteamhistory.Kelihadbeenwiththeorganizationsinceitsbeginnings,andheknew

thatlosinghadbecomeanall-too-easyoption—notjustfortheteambutfor theorganization.Therewereall sortsofexcuses.TheRockieswerean expansion team, playing their first big-league game in 1993, andsomesaidtheyneededmoretimetobuild.Andit’shardforpitcherstogetbattersoutinthehighaltitudeofDenver.Andonandon.ButKelihadavisionofhowtochangethings.Itstartedwithamission

statement to “embody the principles and practices of a championshiporganization in both the sport and business of baseball. In the richtraditionthathasmadebaseballAmerica’spastime,wearecommittedtoconductourbusinesswithintegrity,service,quality,andtrust.”But having a great mission statement wasn’t enough. Keli needed

everyonetoreallycatchthevision—whatitmeant,notjustwhatitsaid—and he needed them to live it out. So he met individually witheveryone in the organization—from scouts to accountants tomaintenanceworkers—topersonallysharethatvision.ThegoalwastogettotheWorldSeries,hetoldthem,butthingswere

going tohave to change for them toget there. Itwouldn’t be easy. Infact,at times itwouldbepainful.But the reward—atrip to theWorldSeries—wouldbeworthallthehardworkandsacrifice.Theyallhadaroletoplayingettingtheteamwhereitwantedtogo.Theyallhadtosharethevision.Theyallhadtolivethevision.Keligaveeveryleaderintheorganizationabottleofchampagne.He

handed out around fifty bottles, and every leader kept a bottle ofchampagneonhisorherdeskasareminderoftheorganization’svisiontoeveryonewhocameby.Healso tookaphoto inspring2002of two largebuckets filledwith

iced-down bottles of champagne in the Rockies’ locker room. In the

background,plasticsheetingcoversthelockers.Andacrossthephotoitsays,“Onethingatatime.Onedayatatime.”ThatphotoremainsframedintheRockies’lockerroomatCoorsFieldand inoffices throughout theorganization.Kelievencreatedpostcardswiththeimage.“All of thehardwork,”he says, “everythingwe’redoing is going tohelpusgetthecorkoutofthatbottle.”Keli had built strong and trusting relationships throughout theorganization because people believed in the vision and believed theywereapartofit.Andtheywere.In2002,forinstance,theRockiesbecamefamousforstoringbaseballsinahumidorpriortotheirgamestoprotecttheintegrityofthebaseballsagainsttheeffectsofthealtitude.Somebelieveballstravelfartherwhenhit inhigheraltitudes,andpitchersclaimitmakes theballharderandslickerandthusmoredifficulttogrip.Storingthebaseballsinaclimate-controlled environment prior to games levels the playing field forpitchers at their home park in Denver, and Major League Baseballeventuallyadoptedthepracticeleague-wide.Where did they get the idea? From Tony Cowell, an electrician atCoors Fieldwhowas inspired after returning fromahunting tripwithdried-outleatherboots.The fact that his idea was heard and implemented stands as atestimonytotherelationshipsKelibuiltthroughouttheorganization—avisionforopennessandrespect,notjustavaguegoalof“winning.”Andwinninghasn’tcomeeasily. In2005theRockies finished in lastplace in theNationalLeagueWest.Theyhad, to thatpoint,made it totheplayoffsonlyonceinfranchisehistory.Butin2007theteamcaughtfireatjusttherighttimeandwentfromfourthplaceintheirdivisiontoNationalLeagueChampionsandaberthintheWorldSeriesbywinningahistorictwentyoftwenty-onegames.When they clinched the National League pennant, the RockieswerepoppingthecorksonKeli’schampagne—morethansixhundredbottlesofitbeforethecelebrationended.Keli had built the relationships and he had inspired them with a

vision.Now theywerecelebrating the impact.Theyhadchanged theirworld.As you go about building relationships, you have a choice. You can

holdthemtightlyandreapthebenefitsthatnaturallyflowfromsharinglifewithotherpeople.Oryoucanaddasharedvisionandwatchaseachrelationshipmultipliesinpowerandimpact.Andthelatter,myfriends,ultimatelywillchangetheworld.

Aswewereputtingthefinishingtouchesonthisbook,mygoodfriendKeliMcGregorpassedawayattheyoungageofforty-eight.KeliwasanAll-American tight end in college,played in theNFL, andwasa risingstar as a Major League Baseball executive. Several thousand peoplejoined Keli’s lifelong sweetheart, Lori, and their four beautiful youngchildrenonasunnyAprildayforamemorialserviceatCoorsField.What struckme themostduring that service,however,was that the

words“football”and“baseball”wereonlymentionedafewtimes,evenby the famous coaches who spoke about Keli’s accomplishments. Keligained fame in sports, yet his legacywas something far greater: God,service, and relationships. I left hismemorial service and immediatelywroteatextmessagetomywife,Jill,whowasoutofthestatevisitingafriend: “Iwant to bemore like KeliMcGregor.” And the thousands ofpeoplewhoknewandlovedKelifeelthesameway.

I

Chapter39

Orion’sBelt

n 1999, I stood on the convention hall floor in one of Orlando’sfinest resorthotels andwatchedmoney literally raindownaroundme.Theincredibleshowerofcash,symbolicofmyfuriousclimbup

the corporate ladder, left me stunned, and not just because I’d neverseenanythinglikeit.Infact,themoneyquicklybecameablurasIcameface-to-facewithanundeniable,starkreality:myladderwasleaningonthewrongwall.Thatladder,asitturnedout,stoodontheWalloftheTransaction.The

prize at the top was more. More power. More prestige. More money.Moretoys.Moreanything.Moreeverything.Andeachtransactionheldthepromiseofmore,more,more.Aking-sizedchiponmyshoulderhaddrivenmetoembracesuccessas

the world around me defined it. My lifelong struggle with a readingdisabilityhadcreatedamisplacedneedforapprovalfromothers.Ihadapassion for helping people, but I also deeply desired the markings ofsuccess.Mostly,Ididn’twantpeopletoseemeasthe“dumb”kidwhocould barely read. I had to prove Iwasn’t a stupid dyslexic. Iwantedrespect,andIsawmaterialsuccessasthebestwaytoshowtheworldIdeservedit.After years of earning it (without realizing it) by serving others, I

finally foundmyself in a position tomake some “real”money. So lifehadbecomeallaboutgetting“more”ofwhatevertherewastoget,anditdidn’treallymatterwhatIwaschasing—ajob,sales,money,acoolcar,aswankycondo,prettygirls,baseballcards,businesscards—ifonewasgood,morewasalwaysbetter.AftergraduatingfrombusinessschoolinAustralia,Iinterviewedwith

fivecompaniesandtookthejobthatpaidthebiggestsigningbonus,thehighestbase salary, and thebest commissions—without regard for any

other considerations. As you know, I came from a family of modestmeans.Ihadneverearnedasix-figuresalary.Andatthetime,thatwasthemost important litmustest forme.So ImovedtoBoston,boughtanice watch (a Rolex Submariner) and my first home (a brownstonepenthouse),andIwenttoworkinsalesforLotusDevelopment.My passion for people served me well in this environment, and Iquicklybuiltrelationshipswithcustomersthatledtosomegreatresults.The salary was terrific and the commissions rolled in, but so did agnawing awareness that something about my perfect life wasn’t soperfect.Without realizingwhenorwhyorhow, I slowlyhadgivenupthebestpartsofwhoIwas.Laterthesethingsbecameobvious.ButbecauseItookthejobforthewrongreasons(money,pride,ego),itdidn’timmediatelyhitmethattheproductactuallymattered.LotusNoteswasagreatproductandIworkedwith some terrific people, but I had no passion for technology or thesoftware industry.Worse, thisdivision functionedat that time inwaysthatvaluedtransactionsoverrelationships.AndeventhoughItookthejob with my sights centered squarely on performance and results,somethinginsidemeknewthatwasn’tthelifeIwanted.The epiphany came during our 1999 sales conference at the WaltDisneyWorldSwanandDolphinResort.Thevicepresident of salesheld court at the front of the conventionhall,deliveringarallyingspeechtoLotussalesstaffersfromallaroundthe country.Wewere atwarwithMicrosoftOutlook, he remindedus.“Wewantmoremarket share!” he screamed, his fist pounding on thepodium.“MoremarketsharemeansYOUmakemoremoney!”Asthesalesforceapplaudedandcheered,someonesomewhereflippeda switch or pulled a lever and one-dollar bills floated down from theceilinglikeconfettionNewYear’sDayinTimesSquare.Colleagues pushed and shoved, reaching and grabbing like childrengoingaftercandyspillingfromapiñata.ButIstoodinsilence,almostasifI’dbeenpulledfrommybodytowitnessthescenefromabove—afishoutofwaterintheSwanandDolphinResort.The message amid the chaos couldn’t have been clearer: Money!Profit!Marketshare!Getours,andyou’llgetyours!Itwaslikeascene

outofthemovieWallStreet.IhalfexpectedthecharacterGordonGekko(Michael Douglas) to step out and explain that “greed—for lack of abetterword—isgood.”Thiswasourhighcalling:Tomakemoremoney!Forme,however,therecameaverydifferentclarity—thatmyladderwasonthewrongwall.I went back to Boston and engaged in some intense soul-searching.Twomonths later I left my job andmovedmy ladder all the way toDenver,withanewfoundpurposeforturningallofmyrelationshipskillstoward something better than “proving” my self-worth by lining mybankaccountwithcashandfillingmyhomewithallthelatestgadgetsandtoys.That transition, however, wasn’t so simple, and I neverwould havemadeitwithouthelpfromanunusualsource—LoriNolan.Remember Lori—my first love? Because Lori’s life was cut short bymeningitiswhenshewasonlynineteen, Ibelievemyrelationshipwithhertookonevengreatersignificance.WhenLoriandIsharedourfirstkiss,wethoughtourlovewouldlastforever.And even thoughwe didn’t date each other exclusively aswemade ourway throughhigh school,wewere right.Wewent outwithotherpeople,butwewerealwaysbestfriendsandcaredforeachotherin ways that, no matter how you sliced it, could only be accuratelydefined as “love.” So when Lori died during her freshman year incollege,my heart broke. I thought Imight never be able to bring thepiecestogetheragain.Lifewenton,ofcourse.Idatedotherwomenthroughtheyearsbeforeeventuallymeetingandmarryingtheultimateloveofmylife,mywife,Jill.Loriwasabigpartofmypast,butJillbecamemypresentandmyfuture.Inaway,itwasLoriwholedmetoJill,becauseitwasLoriwholedmetoColorado.Yousee,inthatdarkestperiodofmylife—inthattimeofself-discoveryfollowingmyepiphanyattheSwanandDolphin—Loriwasmyguidingstar.WhenLoriandIweredatingaskids,welovedtofindapeacefulspotawayfromthecitylightswherewecouldhangoutandshareourdreamswhilecountingthenightstarsagainstthevelvetsky.Oneevening,while

lookingtogetheratOrion’sBelt,weclaimedthefamedconstellationasourown.Loriwastheleftstarinthebelt,andIwastherightstar.Themiddlestarwasus,ourstar.Whenwetalkedonthephoneatnight,we’dlookatthosestarsfrom

our separate bedroom windows. When I was at the Rotary YouthLeadershipAcademyandLoriwasatfieldhockeycamp,I’dcallherfromthepayphoneandwe’dlooktogetheratOrion’sBeltaswetalkedforaslongasthecounselorswouldletus.In the years following her death, I often found it comforting that I

couldlookatthosestarsandfeelherpresence,whetherIwastravelingwithUpwithPeople,attendingcollege inNorthCarolina,backpackinginEurope,SouthAmerica,orAsia,orlivinginaruralvillageinJapan.ImissedLorimostwhenIwasinAustraliaandothersouthernhemispherecountrieswhereyoucan’tseeOrion’sBelt.Shewas there formewhen timeswere great andwhen timeswere

tough. And she was there for me in 1999 when I returned to Bostonfeelingempty,alone,anddepressed.ItwasrightaftertheColumbineHighSchoolmassacre,andmysister

waslivinginColorado.Lifeseemedsoveryfragile.And,ofcourse,IhadcometotherealizationthatIwasinthewrongjob—ajobI’dgotteninpartbecauseaverygoodfriendhadgonetobatforme.When I returned to Boston, I had a heart-to-heart talk with my

supervisor. She understoodmy dilemma and recognized that I neededsomething different. A changewould be good forme, and, ultimately,forheraswell.SosheandJeffPapows,thepresidentandCEOofLotusDevelopment, gave me the freedom to visit other departments in thecompanyinsearchofabetterfit.For the next two months I continued to do my best as a Lotus

salesman,whilelookingthroughoutthecompanyatotheropportunities.IlovedmuchofwhatIsaw,butIreallyfoundnoplacewhereIthoughtIcouldcontributeandthriveprofessionally.Ifeltabittrapped.IfIleftLotus,I’dleteveryonedown.IfIstayed,I’d

bemiserable.HowcouldIgetmyladderoffthiswall?HowwasIgoingtochange

mylife’sdirection?

Allofthismadeforsomesleeplessnights.InthemiddleofthenightinApril1999,Igotupandwentoutonmydeck—arooftoppatioatopmybrownstone condo building. The view of Boston from that deck wasunbelievable, but it only served as a reminder of how mixed up myprioritieshadgotten.Ihaditall—andtherewastheproofrightthere,inthe spectacularpenthouseviewof the city.Yet,while Iwas living thelifeI’ddreamedof,IwasnolongerthepersonIwantedtobe.SoIsatthereonthedeckat3:00a.m.,tearsrollingdownmyface.Mywhole life was supposed to be about people and service andrelationships.Iwasgoingtochangetheworld.AndyetIfoundmyselfinthe corporateworldmaking lots ofmoneyand feeling totally empty. Ihadhundredsoffriends,butI’dneverfeltmorealone.SoIpouredoutmybrokennesstotheonlyfriendIknewwouldlisten:Lori Nolan. I’d become accustomed to talking to Loriwhen I had baddays, but this was the worst. This time I needed more than anempatheticeartohearmytroubles;Ineededhelp.Ineededdirection.Ineededsomeonewhobelievedinme.Sittingonmydeck, all ofBoston aroundme, I lookedupatOrion’sBelt,andtoldLorithatIwastiredoftryingtoprovemyself.I’dseentheemptinessof chasingafter “things” just tohavemore things. “I feel solost,”Isaidoutloud.“Iwanttomakeacontribution.Iwanttomakeadifference. Iwant to lead. Iwant to develop relationships that changetheworld.”I said, “Lori, I need you. I’ve never asked a favor and I’ve neverquestionedwhetheryouwerethere.Ineedtoaskthatnow.I’msoalone.I’msoscared. Ineedtoknowthatyou’reherewithme,watchingoverme.”Ilookedupatourstar,sparklinglikealwaysinthebeltofawarrior.And at thatmoment a shooting star flew out of the center of Orion’sBelt,lightinguptheBostonskyliketheFourthofJuly.Ihadneverseenanythinglikeitbefore;myheartnearlystopped.Loriwasthere!Call it an incredible coincidence if youwant, but forme itwas thetippingpoint; itgavemetheconfidence tochangedirections. IknewIwasn’talone.Shortly afterward, I leftmy jobwith LotusDevelopment, and I sold

justabouteverythingIowned.WithinamonthIhadpackedmycarandmoved toColorado,where I tookaposition in theheadquartersofUpwithPeople—thanks, inpart, toarecommendationfromTomSullivan,thesamefriendandmentorwhohadoriginallyhelpedmetolandajobwithLotus.NotonlycouldIreconnectwithmysisterwhowaslivinginBoulder,butIcouldpourmyselfintotheorganizationthathadgivenmesomuchopportunityrightafterhighschool.Icouldmovemyladdertotheotherwall.Icouldmakeadifferenceagain,butthistimeinamuchbiggerway.From that day forward, I realized that I’d treat every friend, every

client, every customer, and every encounter in a different way. I’dalways been a nice guy. I’d always done the things that would winfriendsandinfluencepeople.NowIwantedtodosomethingmore.Myviewofleadershipandrelationshipsshifted,andsodidmyapproachtothem. I had rediscovered myself, but also a greater vision for who Icouldbecome.Itnolongerwasaboutbuildingmynetworthormakingfriendsand

influencing people. Now it was about building relationships andorganizationsthatwouldtransformthelivesofpeople.Iwent fromprovingmyself to giving ofmyself. Iwent froma success

mentalitytoasignificancementality.Fromnetworkingtonetgiving.I lookatmy life since that shift in1999,andbelieveme, I’vemade

plenty of mistakes. I’ve made bad decisions, taken wrong turns, anddisappointedpeoplewhocaredforme.But it’sbeenthegreatestphaseofmy life, becausemy priorities were backwhere they belonged—onothersandnotonmyself.People—authors,lifecoaches,friends,mentors,andthelike—willtell

youthatyouneeda“network”offriendssothatyoucansucceedinlife.They’lltellyouthatyouneedacoregroupofadviserswhocanseeyouthrough tough times and critical decisions. And they’re right—to adegree.Weallneedhelpinlife.That’swhyIhaveanall-starFifthFloorteam.Butiftheonlyreasonwe’regivingisbecauseofwhatwecanget,thenwe’llnevergetthemostoutofourlives.Thisisn’tjusttheheartofmymessage;it’stheverysoulofit.Whenwe really give ourselves away,we get plenty back—butwhat

wereallygetisfar,fargreaterthanourselves.Weshareinthesuccessofourfriends,weshareinthesuccessofourorganizations,andweshareinthesuccessofourcommunities.WeshareinFifthFloorrelationships.WeshareinFifthFloorteams.WeexecuteFifthFloorperformance.WeprovideFifthFloorcustomerservice.WebecomeandhelpdevelopFifthFloorgivers.WebringtolifeFifthFloorphilanthropy.We help establish and define Fifth Floor cultures—cultures where

people take care of their employees, their teams, their clients, theircustomers, and each other, all while making a profit and having apositiveimpactontheircommunity.Weputourladderonawallthatreallymatters—awallthatmakesa

difference.

M

Chapter40

HowtoMaketheWorldSpinBetter

ichaelVanGilderistheCEOofalargefamily-ownedcompanyin Colorado. Not long ago he instituted a program he callsTrusted Business Partners, or TBPs.Michael understands that

companiesfacingabigdecisionalmostalwaysconsultwithatleastthreegroupsofadvisers—theiraccountants, their lawyers,andtheirbankers,a.k.a.theirmosttrustedbusinesspartners.So Michael’s team makes it a priority to build relationships within

thosethreesectors.Theywantthoseaccountants, lawyers,andbankersto become their TBPs, so they do everything they can to get to knowthemandtohelpthemsucceedintheirwork.Thepayoff,ofcourse,hasworkedbothways.Thesalesforcehassent

clientstotheirTrustedBusinessPartners,andtheTBPsinevitablyhavesent clients tomy friend’s company.Theyhelp eachother’s businessesgrow.That type of strategy, frankly, can work even if you have less than

puremotives.Youcanapplythatinamanipulativequidproquomannerthat’s almost guaranteed to increase your market share and sales. Or,likeMichael,youcangoaboutitwithpureheartsandhonestintentions.It’syourchoice.Most (if not all) organizations ultimately reflect the values of their

leadership.Theysetthetone,andsoonenoughitbecomesclearwherean organization’s ladder is leaning. Employees, clients, customers,vendors—people—eventually see through any business construct that’sbasedoninsincerityandmanipulation.Iftheladder’sonthewrongwall,salesandmarketsharewillincrease

for a time, but so will discord, dissatisfaction, and disillusionment.Unless things change, the organization will become as empty andunhappyasIwassittingbymyselfthatnightontherooftoppatioofmy

Bostonpenthousecondo.I was fortunate to make the shift in my twenties. I knew all thesethings becausepeople likemy father andTomFrance andMrs. Singerhad taught them to me when I was growing up, and countless otherpeoplehadreinforcedthemforme.WhenIsawthefollyofsuppressingthe values I had grown upwith, I had something to fall back on: thelessons of my youth. When I felt that emptiness, those lessons camerushing back. Theymade it clearwhere I needed tomovemy ladder:somewherethatledtopurposeandsignificance,andservingothers.The greatest lessonmy father taughtme—one of the things he saidoverandoveras Iwasgrowingup—wasthatdemocracyisn’t free.Wehaveanobligationtomakeacontributiontothecommunityaroundus.Ifwe’ll respond to that call to action,wewon’t have towait untilweretire to start building our legacy. We’ll see community service andcorporategivingasaprivilege,notasapunishmentorasthe“cost”ofdoingbusiness.Lifeisaboutothers.Andit’saboutservice.Ifyoucanmakethatshift,whether you’re a broker on Wall Street, a teacher in St. Louis, asalesmaninSanDiego,acardealerinTucson,orafarmerinNebraska,youwill not onlymakemoney but change theworld—not because ofwhatyouknowandnotbecauseofwhoyouknow,butbecauseofhowyou live. Themost important thing in your life is notwhat youdo orwhoyouknow;it’swhoyoubecome.Fifth Floor cultures result from Fifth Floor leadership. There’s noexcuse foranyofus towaiton the topexecutives to showthewayorinstitute programs. Ultimately, Penthouse relationships are aboutmorethanwhoyouknoworwhereyouworkorwhoyouwork for—they’reabout livingoutaspiritof lovingandgivingandservice thatnootherpersonororganizationcanrepress.FifthFloorculturesareamovement,notamandatedprogram.Theybeginwitheachindividualwhoiswillingtomakeachoicetoputothersfirst,todotherightthing.Yes,theleadershipsetsthetone.Butleadershipdoesn’tresideonlyincorner offices. Leadership doesn’t just stem from the boardrooms.Leadership isn’t a position or a title; it’s an attitude. It’s a spirit.

Leadership lives on the front lines, in middle management, in theadministrativepool, anywhereoneperson iswilling to stepupanddowhatallgreatleadersdo—serveothers.That’s how Fifth Floor movements spread throughout anorganizational culture—with one person showing the way to another,whoshowsthewaytoathird,untiltheorganizationbreathesoutserviceasnaturallyasitbreathesinair.It’sthespiritthatbringstheheartandsoultolife.AsmanyfaultsaswehadatthehighestleadershiplevelsofUpwithPeople,thetravelingcastmembersandstaffembodiedthatspirit.ItwasthatspiritwhichwhisperedinmyearwhenIwasaseventeen-year-oldsenior at SuffernHigh,watching the cast perform for the first time. Itwas that spirit which whispered in my ear at the Swan and DolphinHotel.AndwhateversuccessI’vehadandcontinuetohaveinlivingoutthatspiritwilldefinethelegacyofmylife.I want to close with a story about that spirit, a story that I hopedemonstrateshowanyofuscanmakeadifferencebyinvestinginothers—ifwe’llonlymakethatchoice.

LivinginaforeigncountrybecameamajorgoalofmineduringmyfirstfewyearswithUpwithPeople.Mytravelstomorethansixtycountrieswhettedmyappetitefora longer,deeperunderstandingofsomeofthevariouscultureswevisited.SoafterearningmyundergraduatedegreeatEast Carolina, I began looking for opportunities to live and workoverseasbeforestartinggraduateschool.That’showIendedup inJapaninJuly1994.Withthe1996WinterOlympics justaroundthecorner, theJapanesegovernment, throughitsJET(JapaneseExchangeandTeaching)Program,wasrecruitingpeoplefromAmerica,Canada,England,andotherEnglish-speakingcountriestoteach conversational English. I landed a spot in the rural village ofKisofukushima-machi,whereIspenthalfmytimeworkingwith junior-high and high-school students and the other half working with adultswhowouldbevolunteersduringtheOlympicGames.IknewofonlytwootherEnglish-speakingforeignersamongtheeight

thousand people in the village, and my first six months there wereextremelylonely.TheJapaneseweregraciousandpolite,butquietandreserved,especiallywithforeignerswhodidn’tspeakJapanese.One day, however, I received a visit from Mrs. Etsuko Tanaka, a

middle-agedmotheroffourwholiveddowntheroadfromme.Threeofherchildrenwere in theschoolswhere Iwas teaching,andshewas inoneoftheEnglishclassesforadultOlympicvolunteers.Shestoodatmydoor, bowed politely, and offered me a loaf of bread from the smallbakeryherfamilyowned.Thensheinvitedmetoherhomefortea.TheTanakas’homebecamea regularhangout forme. Igot toknow

her and her children aswe sat in their kitchen and stumbled throughconversations with hand gestures and broken English. But I quicklyrealized thatMr. Tanaka never joined us. He was always in the backroom—orhewouldretirethereassoonasIarrived.Hewasn’trude,justabsent.At first I thought he was just shy and uncomfortable around me

because he spoke no English. But it became apparent there wassomethingmorekeepinghiminthatotherroom.SoIfinallyaskedMrs.Tanakawhyherhusbandneversatwithus.Shebowedherhead,herchecksturnedred,andtearsrolleddownher

checks. “My husband does not like Americans,” she said. “There’snothingyoucando.ButI’mhonoredtobeyourfriend.”Mr. Tanaka, a thin, gentle-hearted man with graying hair and gold

teethinhisever-presentsmile,hadlivedlongenoughtorememberthebombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in August 1945. As many as140,000peoplediedinHiroshimaandanother80,000diedinNagasaki.Most Japanese knew that America had caused the devastation thatinjuredorkilledsomanyoftheircountrymen,buttheyhadn’tbeenalivewhenthebombsweredropped.Fiftyyears later, thewoundsremainedfreshforpeoplelikeMr.Tanaka.OnsomelevelIunderstoodMr.Tanaka’sdistrust.Igrewupduringthe

Cold War, and many families lived in fear of a nuclear showdownbetweenAmericaandRussia.Welivedclosetoanuclearpowerplant—theIndianPointreactor—andclosetoNewYorkCity,twoprimetargetsof any enemy attack.Our home included a bomb shelter stockedwith

foodandwater.Growingup,we regularly tookpart in schooldrills sowe’dknowexactlywhattodoiftheRussiansattacked—getonthefloorunderthedeskandcoveryourheads.TheRussiansweretheEvilEmpireofourday,anditwasimpossibleformetomeetsomeonefromRussiawithoutseeingthem,atleastinitially,throughthatlens.ButmyexperienceswithUpwithPeoplehadfosteredadeepspiritofunderstandingforpeopleofdifferentculturesandbackgrounds,aswellasalongingtobridgegapsandhealwoundslikethoseofMr.Tanaka.SoI continued going to the Tanakas’ house and tutoring his kids and hiswife.Ialsohelpedwithchoresaroundthebakery.I’dcleanthekitchen,shovel snow from their walk, and help in any way and every waypossible.AndIdidmybesttounderstand.HawaiiandHiroshimabothmarkedthefiftiethanniversaryofthebombings,acknowledgingthetragedythatcomesfromwar.SoIvisitedHiroshimatobetterunderstandtheimpactontheJapanesepeople.AndwhenIreturnedfrommyinterviewfortheRotaryscholarship,IstoppedinHawaiiandvisitedPearlHarbor.Most of my time, though, I lived in Kisofukushima-machi, teachingconversationalEnglishandhangingoutwith theTanakas. Iwasat theTanakas’ home at least three or four days of almost every week fornearlytwoyears.Eventually,Mr. Tanaka began joining us, sitting quietly at first andsayingnothing.Istartedpouringhimsake—it’samazingwhatsakewilldoforarelationship!Eventhoughwecouldn’tunderstandeachother’slanguage, we began to communicate through actions. Over time, webuiltaleveloftrustandfriendshipthroughserviceratherthanwords.When I leftJapan inJuly1996, thepeople I’dmetand taught filledtheplatformatthetrainstationtosaygood-bye.Mr.Tanakaedgedhiswaytothefrontofthegroup.It’srareintheJapanesecultureforpeopleto hug in public, but Mr. Tanaka hugged me as we stood on thatplatform.Webothhad tears inoureyes.He lookedatmeandsaid, inEnglish,“Iloveyou,Tommy-san.YouaremyAmericanson.”Ithinkthat’swhyIlovedUpwithPeoplesomuch.It’snotacompanyoraprogramoranorganization.It’saspirit—aspiritthatbuildsbridgesamongpeople. Idiscovered that spirit as I traveled theworldwithUp

withPeople,anditlivedthroughmeinJapan.I learned that anyone could build those types of bridges with

strangers, customers, vendors, employees, teams, and co-workers. Ilearned the power of relationships that focus on helping others, ongiving,andonservice. I learnedhowto takerelationshipsoff theFirstFloor,fromthetransactional,andmovethemtowardthePenthouse,thetransformational.We all haveMr. Tanakas in our lives—in our neighborhoods and in

ourplacesofbusiness.Weallhaveachancetoleavealegacywiththemthat’smorethanwhoweknow.DaleCarnegie’sHowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeople taughtmeto

askmeaningfulquestionsandlistenintentlysopeoplewouldfallinlovewithme.Butit’snotaboutme;thereismore,ifwe’rewillingtolistenandask

meaningfulquestions.Wecanfallinlovewithothers.There’s more if we’re willing to live beyond an “it’s not what you

know, it’swhoyouknow”world.There’smore ifwe’rewilling to liveourlifewithanewspirit.Aspiritthatsays,“It’snotjustwhoyouknow—it’swhoyouare.”I promise you, living out that spirit will change your life. It will

change your organization. Itwill change your community. And itwillmaketheworldspinbetter.

Acknowledgments

In the summer of 2008, my wife, Jill, and I visited my father’shometown of Saratoga Springs, New York, where we watched thethoroughbreds run “the flat track.” I love horse racing, andwe had agreat time, but I’m not an intrepid gambler. At the end of the day, itdawnedonmethatallmywagershadgoneonthe2-to-1favorites.Aswewatcheda20-to-1longshotcrossthefinishlineasthewinnerinthelastrace,IhadtoaskmyselfwhyIhadn’tbeenalittlemorebold—whyIhadn’tputalittlefaithinalongshot.A few months later, I was walking through the offices of Random

House’sheadquartersinNewYorkfeelingverymuchlikea20-to-1longshotatSaratoga.Thankfully,MichaelPalgon, the executive vicepresident anddeputy

publisher of Crown Publishing (a division of Random House), waswillingtotakeachanceonmeasafirst-timeauthor.Hisconfidenceinmeandmymessageinspiredandmotivatedmethroughouttheprocess,and Iwant nothing less than to give him awinner—in terms of sales,yes,butmore,intermsofimpact.Ibelievethisbookcanchangelivesforthebetter.AndifI’mright,it’s

onlybecauseofthemanywonderfulandtalentedpeoplewhoplayedapartinitscreation.Inasense,thisbookisacasestudyofitsmessage—the power of transformative relationships to produce something fargreaterthananyindividual.

Manyofthepeoplewhoshapedthisbookarereferencedthroughoutitspages,butpleaseindulgemethisformal“thank-you”:TomyFifthFloorAll-StarTeam,foryourfriendshipandmentorship;

tomyagent,KevinSmall,foryourbeliefinthisbookfromdayone;tomyeditor,RogerScholl,forpushingmeandthisbooktoahigherlevel;tomy “ghostwriter,” Stephen Caldwell,who becamemy “angel writer”

andgoodfriendaswewrotethisbooktogether;tomybusinesspartnerandfriendof twentyyears,JoelMauney, foryour loyaltyandbelief inmydreams; tomybusinessand speakingmanager,KerryCaldwell, foryourcommitmentanddrivetomakeeveryclienthappy;tomybusinessassociates,Dan Streeter,DeniseMcMahan, and LindaChildears—Iwillnever be able to thank you all enough; to Ken Blanchard, the mostinspiring and loving man I know; to Steve Farber, my mentor andcherishedfriend;totheyoungmenandexecutivesIhavetheprivilegetocoach,guide,andmentor;totheyoungleaderswhohaveparticipatedinoneofourleadershipdevelopmentprogramsoverthelastdecade;tothetwenty thousand plus Up with People alumni from more than eightycountries;tothecompanies,associations,organizations,andschoolsthatIhavehad thehonorof speaking to—thankyou formaking theworldspinbetter.

There’s a special category of thanks to my wife, Jill, for yourunconditional love and unwavering support. I know no one on thisplanetwhohasakinderandgentlerheartthanyours.Iamaveryluckyman to be married to you. To my children, Caroline and Thomas III(Tate), andmy stepson, Anthony—thank you for teachingmewhat isreallymost important in life.TomycousinSeanWelsh,whosharedinmylifeeverystepoftheway.ToMikeChambers,forbeinganuncletomychildrenandabrothertome.Tomyparents,TomSpauldingSr.(andhiswife,Angie) andDianeMarino (andherhusband,Lou), for alwaysbelieving in me. And to our heavenly Father—much will be requiredfromeveryonetowhommuchhasbeengiven.

AbouttheAuthor

TOMMYSPAULDING

Tommy Spaulding is president of the Spaulding Companies LLC, anational leadership development, consulting, coaching, and speakingorganization.SpauldingrosetobecometheyoungestpresidentandCEOoftheworld-renownedleadershiporganization,UpwithPeople(2005–2008). In 2000, Spaulding founded Leader’s Challenge,which grew tobecome the largest high-school civic and leadership program inColorado.He is also president of the Spaulding Leadership Institute, anonprofit he founded that operates the Center for Third SectorExcellence, Global Challenge, Colorado Close-Up, Kid’s Challenge, andtheNationalLeadershipAcademy.Previously, Spaulding was the business partner sales manager at

IBM/Lotus Development and a member of the Japan Exchange andTeaching(JET)program.Spaulding received a BA in political science from East Carolina

University (1992); anMBA from Bond University in Australia (1998),wherehewasaRotaryAmbassadorialScholar;andanMAinNonProfitManagement from Regis University (2005), where he was a ColoradoTrustFellow.In2007SpauldingreceivedanhonoraryPhDinhumanitiesfrom the Art Institute of Colorado. In 2002 he received the DenverBusinessJournal’sFortyUnder40Award.In 2006 Spaulding was awarded East Carolina University’s

Outstanding Alumni Award, the highest distinction awarded to analumnus of the university. Spaulding is the chairman of East CarolinaUniversity’s External LeadershipAdvisoryBoard and is theuniversity’sfirst“LeaderinResidence.”A world-renowned speaker on leadership, Spaulding has spoken to

hundredsoforganizations, schools, andcorporationsaround theglobe.HeandhisfamilyresideintheDenvermetropolitanarea.TocontactTommySpaulding,visitwww.tommyspaulding.com.

SPAULDINGCOMPANIESwww.spauldingcompanies.com

SPEAKING

TohireTommySpauldingtospeakatyournextmeetingorevent,please contact your favorite speakers’ bureau or contact Tommy’sofficeatwww.tommyspaulding.com.

WHOLELIFEANDEXECUTIVECOACHING

Tommy Spaulding provides a limited number of one-on-onecoachingengagements.

THEGIVE/GETCHALLENGETheGive/GetChallenge is a community impact and teambuildingexperiencethatengagescorporateconstituents—suchasemployees,customers, and stakeholders—withan inspirationaldayof service.SpauldingCompaniespartnerswithcorporateclientsofallsizesandtailors a community impact day that begins with a motivationalkeynote by Tommy Spaulding. After the service day, the groupreconvenesforawrap-upandinspirationalclosingceremony.

DIALOGUEFORTOMORROW

Dialogue for Tomorrow (DFT) is a leadership retreat invitingforemostthought-leadersfromaroundtheworldtosharefriendshipand best practices, and to have dialogue about important issuesfacing our nation and our world. Participants include corporateexecutives and leaders in the nonprofit, educational, and political

sectors, as well as world-renowned artists and authors. DFT is aprivate,bipartisan,nonreligiousleadershipretreat.

Formoreinformationontheseoranyotherservicesandprogramsoffered by the Spaulding Companies, visitwww.spauldingcompanies.com.

SPAULDINGLEADERSHIPINSTITUTEwww.spauldingleadershipinstitute.org

SpauldingLeadershipInstitute(SLI)isaColorado-based501c3andisanumbrellaorganizationthatoperatesseveraluniquestatewideandnationalleadershipdevelopmentprograms.Ourmissionistodevelopandimplementcutting-edgeleadership

programs that inspire youth to be servant leaders, good citizens,andgloballyminded,aswellastomotivatecorporateandnonprofitleaderstoachievegreateroutcomesforthecommunitiestheyserve.

National Leadership Academy (NLA) is a summer leadershipacademy for high-school students and recent gradsuates. Studentsexperienceanaction-packedandintensefive-daysummeracademyinDenver,Colorado,whileengaginginleadershiptraining,servicelearning, and civic engagement activities. Students meet fellowyoung leaders from around the country, hear from nationallyrenowned speakers, participate in leadership workshops, spend aday serving the community—and more! Session topics includeservice learning, civic responsibility, global understanding, andteambuilding.

Tosponsorastudentor todownloadanapplication forastudent,pleasevisitwww.nationalleadershipacademy.org.

Copyright©2010byThomasJ.SpauldingJr.

Allrightsreserved.PublishedintheUnitedStatesbyBroadwayBooks,animprintoftheCrownPublishingGroup,adivisionofRandomHouse,Inc.,NewYork.www.crownpublishing.com

BROADWAYBOOKSandtheBroadwayBookscolophonaretrademarksofRandomHouse,Inc.

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataSpaulding,Tommy.It’snotjustwhoyouknow:transformyourlife(andyourorganization)byturningcolleaguesandcontactsintolasting,genuinerelationships/TommySpaulding.p.cm.1.Successinbusiness.2.Success.3.Interpersonalrelations.I.Title.

HF5386.S75122010650.1′3—dc22

2010012355

eISBN:978-0-30758915-6

v3.0