jbailly/courses/clas24trojanwar/com… · web viewcomments and grading of short paper on a scene...

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Connor CaleyParameter score

does the paper explain how the passage fits into the regular patterns of the genre of Homeric epic? 30%

30/30

choice of passage 10/10

focus on passage (does everything in the paper focus on the passage?) 10/10

evidence for claims: are there good and enough parallels and other evidence? 17/20

details: is the paper careful and accurate and specific 9/10

adherence to standards of normal English prose: mechanics (proof-reading, word choice, punctuation, spelling, attention to the details of good writing?

9/10

adherence to standards of normal English prose: structure: is it made clear what the structure of the paper is? is it unified and does it have a clear beginning, middle and end that feel like good places to begin, move to, and end on?

10/10

Comments: Excellent paper, just what I assigned. I do hope you learned from it. From here, I would add more parallels, and more detail within the comparison of parallels (I liked it that you pointed out something that was missing in your passage but present in others of its type, for instance: more of that?). I noted a couple little inconcinnities, but you clearly know how to write. On this score, the paper does resemble the "manicured corpse" I so lovingly described in class: next step here would be to liven it up by making the intro not include everything and saving something important as a kind of reward at the end, maybe? Maybe some other imaginative way to liven it up. I can tell you could do that. Thanks for a good essay.

95/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Heather SliwoskiParameter score


23/30the idea of a "plot-advancer" has promise, and you sort of show how it is accomplished, but do two scenes in Iliad make a pattern? so much plot summary gets in the way of actually analyzing the plot advancement idea. Penelope's dream is solace, on your analysis, not plot-advancement: similar to the book 20 dream.

choice of passage 6/10no one passage chosen: but the type scene of a dream is promising

focus on passage (does everything in the paper focus on the passage?)

6/10skip intro bit: not sure it adds anything: it's not tied in well enough: the last paragraph is also kind of hanging out there like an add-on.

evidence for claims: are there good and enough parallels and other evidence?

20/20

details: is the paper careful and accurate and specific

10/10


10/10


10/10

Comments:As you told me viva voce, you didn't do the assignment I assigned. I don't understand that, really. Why would you take that risk? It kind of confuses me, dismays me, and I don't know how to react. On the one extreme, there's the physics/math reaction: well, I asked for the solution to this problem, not that problem, and this problem still isn't solved, so do it again, only do the problem assigned. Then there's the politician's reaction: of course you don't do the assignment assigned, no more so than you answer the question that was asked. You go with your strengths, stick to what you want to say. Sorry, just kind of rambling here. I won't punish you, but don't do this! And besides, I think the actual assignment might have been easier.

You've got a LOT of great elements here: you need to emphasize them better and tie them together into a unity and analyze them more: you have so many scenes that much of what you say is plot summary, not analysis, not highlighting your ideas.The bit at the end about the second type of dreams reads a lot like an add-on that doesn't quite fit, no? It's underdeveloped and the difference between it and the other type is not explored in detail.Is there any importance you attach to whether it's a god or a mortal in the dream? If not, don't waste sentences on it: just note that it can be a god him/herself or in the guise of a mortal.

You're a good writer in terms of all the mechanics and sentences and vocab, and you read well! Thanks for this paper.

total 85/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Rose BreenParameter score


27/30Very good, but could be more explicit in explaining exactly what is typical rather than simply repeating plot summary after plot summary of feasting scenes.



8/10So many scenes are presented in a sort of series of plot summaries that sometimes the focus seems lost. You could organize it more explicitly and analytically around your chosen scene.


20/20a particular strength of this paper


10/10Nice.


7/10Good, but here and there, one thinks a little more polishing time would have been good. Some mistakes, but more so opportunities for better wording.


7/10a fair bit of repetitiveness, and the paper reads like a catalog that is organized as one reads the epics rather than to make your points: reorganize around your analysis, which is good.

Comments: Very good collection of parallel scenes brought to bear on the one scene. Well done.One thing I might suggest as a next step is to analyze the contexts of these feasting scenes: do they occur at typical plot points? as part of a larger type scene (xenia?)?

89/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Amanda HillParameter score


27/30it does so piecemeal: there is a lot more in there

choice of passage 8/10there is a lot more to find parallels for in this longish passage: a shorter passage might have been better to do a full job on.


10/10good


17/20I often wondered why only one parallel, when there are many more: it might be a good idea to try to say how often each thing occurs.



5/10lots of little problems: either proofread better or convince a friend to help you!


9/10Very good.

Comments:A next step might be to add more phenomena from the passage and parallels to them and then relate the items you found in that passage to each other somehow: to try to see how they interrelate, or how they relate to other phenomena we've talked about (orality?). Italicize book titles.I like how you not only provide direct parallels to the specifics of your passage, but also similar phenomena that do not occur in your passage but are just like something that does.

86/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Joseph PetrozzinoParameter score


25/30Good. Next steps: deepen analysis with more detailed breakdown of scene.



9/10


15/20There are many spots where many more parallels should be brought to bear. The few you have are good, however.


10/10


7/10plenty of little problems. Proofread/polish more.Also, this is wordy: cut out repetition and excess verbiage to make room for more substance.


7/10Good: can be improved by unifying it all by explaining more about why you treat each new topic next to the previous one: how they fit together. The ending doesn't feel like things are really wrapped up: it's more like it just ends.

Comments:italicize book titles

83/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Yovi PoerwantoParameter score


26/30can you delve deeper nto this?

choice of passage 8/10why the two types are one phenomenon is not really addressed


10/10


20/20great


10/10detailed description


/10Yovi, you write very well conceptually, but there are problems mechanically: it bears traces of possibly not having written English all your life? Or maybe having another native language? I don't know you well enough: there is work to do here, and you are so smart and interested. I suspect you know this and work on it already. I am encouraging you to keep working.


9/10that the two sorts of phenomena are not linked mars the paper's structure.

Comments:Avoid contractions such as "it's" or "you're" in formal prose: some people don't mind them, but some do, so avoid them and you'll please everyone.

I won't count the mechanics/writing stuff.

83/90 = 92

Work on unity: you chose an interesting topic,but it falls into two halves that seem to have not enough relation to make ONE paper.Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Alex ChaseParameter score


25/302nd paragraph mixes up things that are typical of the genre with things that are unique to Odyssey or not "typical."a couple times the case is far over-stated: with only two epics, one can't say "which is typical of epics": one can only say "which is typical inthese two epics"

choice of passage 9/10a very long passage that is not fully covered: next step would be to focus more and cover more fully


10/10good


15/20where I've remarked "good" in the margin is where you really do thismuch more could be done here


7/10 next step: give precise book+line numbersalso, more importantly, a closer analysis of the phenomena you choose


6/10the writing has occasional mistakes/non-standard usage, but more importantly, it is wordy and repetitive: work on saying a thing once well and in as few words as necessary.underlinings indicate something could be improved there.


9/10

81/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Eli HaworthParameter score


27/30


focus on passage (does everything in the paper focus on the passage?) 10/10

evidence for claims: are there good and enough parallels and other evidence? 20/20



10/10


10/10

Comments:The task was simple. You did it well. Thank you!

Improvement ideas: more parallels, always, eliminate a few mistaken statements, work on analysis to make it deeper and more nuanced. I suppose one way to do it is to ask whether the elements you identify are somewhat inevitable or are they clearly artificial. What I mean is that an epithet is clearly artificial:there is no need for it. You can leave it out and the story is the same. So, with guest-friendship, have you identified the elements of a custom or a literary thing that is typical of a genre? How can you tell the difference?

97%

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Simon BelliveauParameter score


27/30Overall good. You show that the elements you identify recur several times, but you don't do enough to show that they are a sort of type scene/formula: are there exceptions? are there elements that occur in other scenes that don't appear in yours?



7/10a lot of plot summary: you could get away with a lot less and still adduce good parallels


18/20Very good. Still more to gather, perhaps more variety? elements that are not in the one you chose?


9/10What you do, you do carefully and accurately.a bit more detail about the analysis ( the importance you ascribe to the elements you find and their nature: e.g. plot advancement) would help


9/10occasional blemishes in sentence structurenothing too seriousitalicize book titlesoccasionally too "chatty" or informal.


9/10good. solid. tried and truethe conclusion doesn't feel terribly conclusive, as though a well defined task has been completed.

88/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Ilana CoreyParameter score


20/30the paper explains that there are several recognition scenes: more needs to be done to show that there are parallel elements that fit into the genre of epic: it's fine analysis, but it's not specific to the genre and doesn't identify regular epic aspects of recognition scenes.



7/10A good deal of parenthetical remarking reduces the focus.


15/20Several apt recognition scenes are identified: more work could be done to identify specific elements of them that are parallel to each other or reveal consistent patterns


8/10


5/10Lots of little mistakes. Too informal for a written assignment.


8/10It's basically an intro followed by a list. More unification beyond just that they all include reunion, would help.

79/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Noah McManusParameter score


25/30it does a great deal to explain how the scene fits into the epic as a whole, which is not really how it fits into the genre: it does a fair bit to explain how it fits into the genre as well: more could be done here

choice of passage 10/10a fine passage with great potential for this paper


8/10 the whole paper is about this passage, but it opens up the focus very widely, too widely, to fit it into the epic:


14/20 There are many many parallels, few of which are specifically identified: they do exist, however, and so the claims about them are not wrong: they are just under-supported


8/10improvement possible here: the nitty-gritty word level is just about ignored, the phrase level is also just about ignored: once we get to the level of things that take a line or two, analysis starts: at the whole-scene level there is some analysis


8/10italicize titlesyour prose is good, solid, and has flare, but repetitive in places: work on saying more with fewer words


10/10the paper clearly starts out justifying its existence, focuses in on the topic, fills out with analysis and parallels, and then concludes with some additional observations: it flows well

I enjoyed reading your paper, Noah!83/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Molly HumphriesParameter score


30/30



10/10


16/20Improvement is possible here: on P.3, there are several parallels specifically cited, but otherwise the parallels are merely claimed, not evidenced.

details: is the paper careful and accurate and specific 9/10 see above: providing specific passages for each type of parallel would help


9/10occasional proofing errors


10/10

94/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Lucas GriggsParameter score


28/30good: the wide-angle in the intro and conclusion is good thought, but I think it should be shortened to make room for more detail. It is good in that it all is focused on explaining how the type scene of supplication fits the epic



9/10some of the intro and concluding material takes a lot more space than it could, and it is very wide-angled (which is incompatible with the kind of focus we're talking about here)


20/20


10/10


9/10sometimes wordysome little mistakes


10/10

Comments: Good Short Essay, Luke. 96

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Maya BarrettParameter score


23/30Much attention is given to broad themes that belong in analysis of many genres: not enough attention is given to specifically epic things, the specific genre of Homeric epic.

choice of passage 7/10a whole book seems to be the "scene": that's far too much to do thoroughly and well


7/10The 'passage' is much too long, and so it's hard to talk about "focus" on it.


10/20On p. 3 there is good evidence and good parallels: work on including more of that: that was the assignment


9/10


9/10a few little problems/mistakes


8/10the paper flows well from topic to topic. I'm not always sure what the overall plan of it is. The ending seems a bit arbitrary, not as if some defined task has been completed.

77/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Jillian EllerParameter score


26/30pretty good here, but somehow much of what you point out, aside from epithets, doesn't seem particularly epic. Do you see what I mean? It is in an epic, but it doesn't feel typical of the genre insofar as it is epic.

choice of passage 8/10It's a great scene, but I'm not sure it's great to show what is typical of the epic genre. You did well, however.


9/10At times you seem to depart far from the scene, but then you do bring it back.


18/20good evidence for all of your points: work on more


9/10


10/10


9/10work on letting your reader know what the task/problem/question is that each paragraph is addressing and why it follows from the last one and leads up to the next one, so that once you've done it, it feels done, and your conclusion feels natural. I was often unsure of where you were going with many parts of this paper.

Comments: you are right that the sirens' fame is all out of proportion to the space they take up in Homer.

89

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Chris DamonParameter score


28/30strong! but more detail could be added to make it very specific to epic



9/10everything does focus on it: improvement possible in making the focus even tighter and more explicitly around your ideas


18/20At certain points, excellent: at other points, just claims that have no evidence: an improvement would be to find evidence for all points.


9/10similar to above: at times, great detail, accuracy, at other times, more specificity would be an improvement


9/10you write well in terms of mechanics.your sentences could be more sophisticated, and your phrasing too. What I mean is that occasionally, it seems that the way you say things could be clearer/better/etc. in various ways. That will come from reading a lot, working on it, and with time. Keep working on this.one mechanic: Italiize titles of works.


8/10pretty good here, but it would help to say things like, "as the following shows." or "After talking about epithets, and each element of the default scene, I will discuss the order of the elements," and then I know that you are going to do that, what the task is, etc., and then when you are done, it feels like you're done.

Comment: there are several really good insights in this paper, some that could bear a much longer and richer treatment, if you ever care to to that.91/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Ujjwala HarshavardhanParameter score


28/30good: but you might want to think about how we know about these xenia customs: from the epic itself. Thus one cannot back up observations about the epic with reference to custom in general. Good sensitivity to what is NOT typical: that highlights what is typical in those scenes.



10/10


18/20room for improvement here, but good overall


9/10


7/10lots of little things here and there: keep working on this. Get pointers from others, or maybe just proofread if you already know this stuff.commas are not periods: don't use them as if they were.on the other hand, many subordinate clauses are set off by commas.


8/10good overall: do more signposting and occasional reports about where we are in your structure: last sentence of first paragraph is an example of where you do this well. It can be done with little phrases here and there, mostly at the end or beginning of paragraphs with things like "Closely related to ... is the next topic, ...." or "While these scenes typically open with... (as we have just seen), the next element is often ....": that helps organize and structure your whole paper and gives the reader a conceptual framework.

Comments: you write well and have done a good job here. Thanks. 90/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Sara Llorens-GelpiParameter score


28/30lots of good observations: all need more parallels and/or analysis of the evidence for them



10/10


16/20few actual parallels given: work to be done here.



7/10lots of little writing craft problems: you may be able to address these yourself in the future, but you can also turn to friends and others to proof your writing.


9/10nice opening paragraph to explain how the paper is tied together and what it will do.

89/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Amanda TramposchParameter score


20/30you do a great job of listing Odysseus' lies: I don't see the answer to the question "how is this typical of the genre of Homeric epic"? a great deal of space is spent on plot summary: recounting several episodes: this can be avoided to make space for your analysis, your thought about the passages and the nature of the genre of epic



10/10


15/20there is a lot of material from the epics here, but it is not arrayed as well as it could be as support for ideas: more ideas,less plot summary.


10/10


8/10you write well and clearlyone thing that needs work here is repetitiveness: eliminate repetition to make room for more content. italicize titles of works


8/10the conceptual structure of the paper should be made clearer by indicating what topic will be covered, in what order, and why, right at the beginning, and then occasionally by transitional sentences between paragraphs.The paper reads a lot like a list of plot summaries with a few good ideas: instead, make your good ideas the main event, the thing that the paper is about, and list the passages as evidence for those ideas. I guess the idea is to turn the structure inside out: instead of being a list of plot summaries, make it a list of ideas that fit together logically supported wherever appropriate by a list of instances where what you are talking about occurs in Homer.

80/100Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Meghan Morrison

Parameter score


27/30good



10/10


18/20one suggestion for strengthening your argument: take it to the phrase/word level too: there are typical formulae in hospitality scenes: identify them and cite where they occur.


9/10your already good ideas could use even more detail


8/10lots of little opportunities for improvement (underlined)prose is wordy (consider 1st paragraph: I don't think the paper would be hurt by simply omitting the first 2 sentences: that's just one example


8/10the paper flows well. Conclusion comes suddenly. It's not clear what the conceptual structure of the entire paper is and how it has a well-defined beginning/middle/end.

Comments: A lot of time is spent situating and describing the plot point of each instance. That's kind of optional: you can assume that I've read the work. For instance, one could say "Appeals to Zeus, god of hospitality, occur in 6 of the 8 hospitality scenes mentioned." or "Appeals to Zeus, god of hospitality, occur in the opening lines of the following hospitality scenes (list of scenes, with NO description of them)." That is just one example: if that were done for every element listed in this paper, there would be a lot of room to add content,more ideas, nuances, etc.

90/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Lili KnutsonParameter score


25/30Guest friendship is analyzed here in a rather general way: there is no focus on one passage, really. One is first, but it is not central or analyzed in detail. The genre of epic is assumed, not specifically discussed.

choice of passage 2/10the "scene" is HUGE: the assignment was to choose a short scene.


7/10


17/20lots of parallels


9/10


7/10lots of little problems mar the paper: proofreading and revision should help here.


8/10organized as a list of passages, not as a set of ideas or observations: centering on your own ideas is always a better idea: you have good ones.

Comments: initial claim that Greek society was based around hearing news seems exaggerated: be careful not to overstate.

In general,

Overall, this paper does a different assignment than the one I assigned: this paper is a list of guest-friendship scenes which identify some typical aspects of such scenes. It is not analysis of a single scene. It is more like the poster assignment.

75/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Parameter score


28/30Good job on this front.

choice of passage 10/10unusual, but you made it work


10/10


19/20Nice job on this front


8/10Nothing done at the word/phrase/language level: lots to do here.


7/10Lots of little writing problems: I don't know if it's just proofreading, or maybe more than that. THere is no magic bullet for this, but reading and paying attention to good prose, caring about writing, and getting others to read and correct your work (but don't accept all suggestions!) will help improve here.italicize work titlesYour prose is wordy. Too wordy. Revision usually helps with this.


9/10Intro strong and gives a clear idea of exactly what to expect and why you discuss what you go on to discuss. That is great. The conclusion is somewhat overstated and not fully justified by the paper: be a bit more modest and it will be more impressive.

91/100Comments:opening is strong, but perhaps wordy for such a short assignmentwhy is fate a problem, a spoiler, and unfortunate? it's clear as all get out that the Greeks didn't see it that way! Those are your (our?) judgements: they are NOT Homeric.

Overall, I very much liked your paper: you really fulfilled the spirit of this assignment by trying hard to find what is Homeric/Epic about the passage. Thank you.

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Ariana SposatoParameter score


25/30the paper is an analysis of the armor-bearer relationship rather than an analysis of a passage, really.

choice of passage 8/10 see above


8/10again, the focus is not a passage, but an aspect of several passages.


17/20often, the evidence doesn't quite support the claim: the claim is interesting and maybe even right, but little direct evidence is brought to bear. The argument that could substitute for direct evidence needs considerable development to be compelling.


9/10


8/10Little problems: either proof-reading or just old-fashioned work on writing would help. Capitalization, comma-splices, italicizing titles of works, etc. are standard things that need a tune-up here.The prose here is wordy/repetitive: for instance, the first 4 sentences could easily be boiled down into one sentence: "The focus of this paper, the scene in which Achilles lends Patroklos his armor, illustrates the importance of armor." I'm not sure if that sentence is better, but it captures all the important content.


8/10Pretty good flow of ideas, and yet, the ending seems to just drive off a cliff rather than feel like a clear topic/question/task has been completed. It doesn't feel conclusive.

Comments:A really intriguing idea, that armor = honor. It seems to me that you need to argue for the idea that honor = reputation and effect in battle. I don't disagree: rather, I'd like more nuance to your good ideas, and support for that nuance. Also, you might want to try to figure out if the epic itself says what you say about honor: it seems to me to be your analysis, not something explicit in the epic language. My marginal comments argue against your idea because I find it interesting, not

because I find it a bad idea. I'd like to see what would happen to it if you took those counterarguments seriously and incorporated them (not just argue against them, but use them to enrich your own and only argue against them if you really can show they are wrong)This paper is about 3.5 pages (I don't count the 17-20 lines of quotation): you had a lot more space you could have used for more content.

83/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Andrew HerbertParameter score


15/30nothing in the paper attempts this

choice of passage 5/10no single passage identified


5/10it is focused, on Odysseus v. Polyphemus


10/20no parallels adduced from within the epics themselves: some extra-epic parallels made.

details: is the paper careful and accurate and specific 5/10little specific in it: it's a fully general analysis of Odysseus' character


8/10Many small problems with prose writing.


8/10It flows well.

Comments: this paper is quite short at 2.5 pages of prose. It also doesn't do the assignment that was assigned (choose one passage and show how it displays patterns typical of the genre "Homeric epic.").

56/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Cayden HewesParameter score


28/30good: some clearer more explicit relation of the opening paragraph (good one, BTW), with the elements on P2 of a minor death scene could have really tied things together



9/10good in a way: everything talked about is related to the focal passage, but not all those relations are made explicit by the wrods of the paper. I hope that makes sense.


18/20almost everywhere this is great, but on P. 2, the central characterization of a minor death scene, there are elements without evidence, and there are elements whose evidence is provided later, but the link between claim and evidence is not made (simply saying "evidence for these elements will be covered as the paper progresses" would have helped a lot)


10/10


9/10You write well: good English, easy to understand!


7/10This is an area where a little work would yield vast improvement

Comments: basically, a good paper with all the elements of a really good paper, except that the claims made about the passage and the evidence provided for them is not organized in a way that makes it clear to the reader what exactly you are accomplishing. What I mean is that it reads like a list of things that happen to occur to you to write about concerning this passage, rather than a methodical or complete or thematic or systematic assessment of the passage. For example, why are epithets talked about near the end? why talk about an opponent's history where you do?

I suspect that if you were to re-write the whole thing, you would fix these things and have a stronger paper, Cayden. I hope you can do so in the future with other papers.

Good job. 91/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Maeve Conway-PearsonParameter score


23/30the passage does NOT fit the patterns is the major claim: that makes it hard to do this part of the assignment well, but it would still be possible. Not enough done here beyond personal reactions (interesting as they are (see comments below))

choice of passage 8/10the passage itself could be OK: but not much is done with it that really fulfills the assignment.


10/10


13/20Not many parallels adduced: there is a fair bit of description of what guest-friendship looked like, but the parallels are not listed or analyzed.


8/10too general: rarely gets into the thickets of details


9/10Italicize work titles. Other than that, good.


9/10the paper is quite short, really: you had a lot more space. In such a short paper, there is not much structure, but still, I didn't have the feeling that you had accomplished the goal of the assignment by the end, or an idea of how.

Comments: I'm curious where your opinion that Greek guest-friendship is dangerous and too trusting, etc. comes from. I think it's the flip-side of raiding: when you are abroad, you have two chioices: you either raid the place or accept hospitality (and thereby agree to return the favor if ever called upon). There were not casual travelers who just camped outside of town and maybe borrowed a little flour. Strangers were either a threat or people to be neutralized by putting them under observation and an obligation. I'm open to your view, but I've never really thought that's how it was.

On the other hand, your curiosity about ONE YEAR on Circe's island and the romantic/partnership aspect of it seems to me a really interesting question, one that I've often wondered about. Same with Kalypso's island. Seems like single women were looking for mates, is the message, maybe? Or is it important that these were goddesses and so not vulnerable to society's horrible treatment of women. Lots of issues here.

I think you needed to do more with both issues in the way of parallels, etc.

80/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Matthew JacksonParameter score


20/30the paper explains the scene in other ways, but not in this way: yes, battle prowess is discussed, but not particularly Iliadic or Odyssean battle prowess, just general battle prowess.

choice of passage 8/10the passage might be amenable to an analysis of how it fits genre patterns, but those are not explored here


10/10


16/20Parallels were specifically mentioned as part of the evidence for grading: there are few parallels brought to bear in the paper: improvement is possible here.


9/10good


9/10good


8/10the thesis seems to be that the episode is important: that is a rather generic vague thesis, but it is a thesis, and serves to explain why each element is present. Improvement could be made by deeper analysis that would lead to a more interesting thesis statement as well as explaining why the things that are discussed are the righ tthings to discuss and the order they are discussed makes sense. This needs to be done rather briefly, but it would be good to do it.

Comments: In the end, I guess the question of whether or not when Achilles yells from behind the battle lines is an aristeia is kind of uninteresting. What I mean is that "aristeia" is a concept applied by later ages to Homer, and they pretty much did not consider that scene Achilles' aristeia. You can redefine or expand the application of "aristeia" to include the scene, but you don't explain why one should want to, or what importance it has whether or not it is an aristeia. I decided to kind of ignore the issue of whether the scene is an aristeia (I don't think it is and don't see why I should care) and look at the substantive issues, namely, what the scene is in relation to other scenes.

You chose a challenging scene and did a lot of good analysis on it ( I was focussing my comments above on things I think could be improved, so I apologize if it sounded negative: overall I enjoyed the paper). Thanks.

80/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Spencer DeVitoParameter score


18/30The idea of guest friendship is generally explained, but its specific form in Iliad and Odyssey should be better illustrated via examples or applied specifically to the single scene discussed.

choice of passage 7/10One very short scene (the Cyclops killing two of Odysseus' men) is identified: a much larger scene is what is discussed (the whole of the Cyclops episode)


8/10The Cyclops scene is the focus, but what is said could be said of other scenes (Laistrygonians, Circe): i discussion is at a very abstract level


15/20Evidence is rarely cited: it's not that what is said is wrong. It's that specific passages where what is claimed can be found are often not cited.


7/10The paper "flies high" over the text and rarely dips down into the specifics.


7/10The writing is easy to understand.


8/10The paper discusses guest friendship: try to explain why one aspect comes first, the next follows, and how what is discussed is a complete discussion rather than a collection of aspects noticed.

70/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Malcolm WestParameter score


23/30The paper identifies a few regular patterns that the scene fits into: more, and more specific patterns would be good.



6/10The paper departs radically from the scene at times, discussing many things that are not brought to bear on the scene


15/20more specific traits of the divine interventions and more parallels would be good


7/10a great deal of the paper is so general that it is hard to talk of it being careful, accurate, or specific: the assignment was to focus hard on one scene, not talk about huge themes directly.


8/10A few problems with mechanics mare this paper: suggest further revision.


7/10The paper has a structure, but it is not made apparent and the reasons for choosing that structre are nowhere explained.

Comments: suggestion for how to improve the paper: identify more traits of the divine intervention scenes. Skip the vague and unspecific stuff at the beginning and here and there thruout. Too short a paper to spend a whole page before getting to the real topic.

76/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Baylee DuarteParameter score


25/30good: more could be done, particularly in terms of whether there is any pattern to how Homer presents divine intervention or xenia: the typical patterns within such an episode, not just that such episodes are typical



10/10


19/20


9/10


9/10work titles should be italicized


7/10structure was fine: it might be helpful to explain why choose the three aspects of the scene, why treat them in that order, whether they interrelate, and letting the reader know about all that explicitly.

Comments: good paper doing the assignment as assigned. 89/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Andrew MooreParameter score


23/30 It shows how the scene fits into the Iliad, but not as an epic, just as a plot. Evidence is needed to show that what is talked about is characteristic of epic as such.



10/10


9/20Very few parallels are cited.


8/10good. Keep going into more detail.


8/10Pretty wordy: a lot more content could have been included.


7/10It reads like a list, and nothing is done to justify why this list is complete or really the right list, which makes the conclusion feel like it's just the end of a list, not a completion of a task.

Comments: In a short paper like this, no need to write much of an introduction.You could skip most of your 1st paragraph. Would make space for more important content. The important content really fills only 3 pages here.Some points: rage is characteristic of THIS epic's plot, not of the epic genre, is it? Not every adjective is an epithet: an epithet is an adjectival phrase that is regularly attached to something: you have to prove by means of parallels that any given thing is an epithet.Similes are characteristic of the epic genre: parallels would help to prove that. And lots of genres have gods, goddesses and demigods: tragedy, comedy, satyr plays, lyric poetry, and others.

75/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Stephen McGurlParameter score


24/30no real effort made to identify epic conventions or patterns

choice of passage 9/10a fine passage


9/10fairly well focused


15/20hardly any parallels at all are brought to bear.

details: is the paper careful and accurate and specific 9/10fine: work farther into the details


8/10some problematic bits and pieces are underlined: more proofreading?


7/10The essay rambles around from topic to topic and it's not at all clear when the task that is set is complete, other than that the paper ends. Work to make it clear what you are going to do, then do it, and make it clear that what you are doing is one complete unified task, so that it is obvious by the end that it is the end, because the task is complete.

Comments: You raise a very interesting point: it is really a good one, and I'd like to hear more about it. You might have compared Priam as well, as an old man, or Peleus, Achilles' father. In any case, the quandary I face is that you didn't do the assignment as assigned, really at all. Don't do that kind of thing, please. We talked about it in class, and I took the language above from the website.

81/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Michael GreenbergParameter score


29/30



10/10


20/20where are greaves "fair"?parallels for metal content that proves your claims about it?how are epics fantastic and grandiose? and parallels for "often" (they would help convey what you mean by "fantastic and grandiose"I like the claims in the fist full paragraph on P2: they are observant and accurate, but they need parallels to prove them or at least illustrate themI see now that the parallels come on P3 (cut off people like me with something on P2 like "as will soon be seen" to indicate that you DO have the evidence)did you notice the "leafed" or some word like that with a lot of spears? I wondered about it.



7/10Italicize work titles


9/10nice "table of contents" at end of 1st paragraph: work on making it clear WHY you are treating those things as opposed to other things, and why in that order. Sometimes that doesn't make good sense, but it's best if you can do that in addition to saying WHAT you will talk about. Eventually, you can work on making the structure clear with fewer explicit sentences like this: transitions, hooks, and logic.

Comments:Great paper in terms of fulfilling the assignment: you carefully looked at my guidelines and followed them.

Parry worked at the level of words or phrases, not scenes, as far as I know. Maybe he did work on scenes too.Some problem phrases: "one of the main character in the Iliad": characters and Iliad."one example of these patterns are ...": is"Achilles armor": Achilles' armorwork on getting rid of/correcting those little blemishes to your thought

95/100



20/30



7/10two scenes: focus is actually on a concept and a character, not a scene


10/20no parallels at all



9/10Your writing is solid and mechanically correct.


8/10Some work could be done to make the paper organized around your ideas instead of plot summary, running thru the scenes as they occur rather than organizing and marshalling the material to prove claims and illustrate ideas. Always better to organize around your own ideas.

Comments:This paper has a lot of plot summary and does not really fulfill the assignment, which was to pick a short scene and explain how it fits the genre expectations for Homeric epic.Instead, you chose to write a paper about Hektor and Kleos. It's an OK paper, but it's not the assignment. What gives? Why did you do that? It hurt you, because I said somewhat clearly what I would grade it on, and I can't very well grade you on completely different criteria. I tried to give you a break, but I just couldn't act as though this was the assignment.

78/100



25/30all the parts are there to do this, but the paper explains xenia rather than focusing on the specifics of this passage



5/10it all focuses on xenia, not the passage specifically.


17/20lots of evidence: needs to be marshalled more carefully and organizedlyon p 2 on Phaeakia, you should have mentioned that they bathe Odysseus (I think they provide oil too) and they give him food: those are parallel to your passagethe next parallels are much better done: they provide parallels for elements in your sceneare there any gifts in your scene?


8/10Work here to align the parallels you bring in with the passage you are analyzing specifically. Don't leave your reader to notice the parallels.Also, get down to the level of specific words and phrases, well beyond "food" and "bathing" and "gifts"


7/10Work on this. Lots of little blemishes. Get friends to help maybe?


8/10The assignment was to analyze a scene: your paper is organized around xenia, not the scene you identify. Work to read assignment guidelines and do exactly what is asked before adding more.Also, it is not clear why you talk about what you talk about other than that it is a list of items that are part of xenia. That is the first stage of organizing: now try to put it in an order that makes good sense according to some logic (perhaps that those elements always occur in that order in the epics?), and tell your reader about that logic. That will help make it the case that the reader 1) knows what task you have set for yourself,

AND 2) when the task has been accomplished: it makes a conclusion really feel like a completion of a task, not just an ending.

Comments:Thanks for a good description of aspects of xenia (Italicize foreign words). there are a number of places where the wording can use some improvement. A couple examples to show you what I mean:"large amount of men" should be "large number of men""the great disservice he's given Achilles" should be "he has done to Achilles": one doesn't give a disservice"Brisies" should be "Briseis" (you can get the spelling right on a paper)"Odysseus wait patiently" should be "Odysseus waits patiently""the man refuses for not wanted to fully bathe." not sure what that should bework to avoid such blemishes on your thought. They distract the reader and spoil the effect. If you have a hard time noticing them, have a friend help.

80/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Kholiswa Mendes PepaniParameter score


26/30



7/10the passage illustrates the themes you discuss rather than being the focus of the paper


12/20few parallels are brought to bear: a parallel would be specific citation of book and line number of things elsewhere in the epics that are similar to parts of your passage. There are almost none of those.evidence for claims needs to come from the epic itself: for example, saying that something is a classic trope in epic cries out for citation of a few passages at least. You give the source where you found that claim, which is outside of the epics: that is just the start of the work you need to do. After you find such a claim, you need to go find the evidence for it.


7/10work on being very careful about specifics: a lot of this paper is vague and so it makes no sense to talk about specifics of the scene or other scenes.on P3, Polyphemus is praying to Poseidon, not prophesying.


7/10repetition: see P2 where you twice list very similar traits of Odysseusthere were several blemishes: things that needed correction. Get a friend to help you if you can't notice them in your own writing: often others can see these things.

adherence to standards of normal English prose: structure: is it made clear what the structure of the paper is? is it unified and does it have a clear

8/10

beginning, middle and end that feel like good places to begin, move to, and end on?

Comments:I like the end of the first page: it tells me what to expect. Ideally, work into the paper clarity as to WHY those things are discussed and why in that order, and why discussing them completes ONE task that is completed by the end of the paper. The plot summary that starts out the paper is kind of superfluous, however. "Enotes" is your source, but it should not be, because all of the things you found there are in the epic itself: it is just summarizing and picking out things in the epics. You should go find them and cite the book and line number.

The paper in general seems organized around a series of themes such as pride, xenia, prophecy, rather than around the passage itself. Rather than show how it fits the genre via parallels that back up your claims, you show how it fits very broad themes portrayed in the world of the epics.

77/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Leah LopesParameter score


20/30not much effort is put into any of the generic convention of epic

choice of passage 5/10 the line numbers are not given: it seems to be a very lengthy passage of Book 24


7/10the paper jumps around and doesn't focus on a single passage


10/20there are few parallels cited for any claims hereon P2, it is claimed that care for the dead "constantly" appears in the Odyssey: that is exactly the kind of place where a bunch of passages, or at least 3 or 4 need to be cited (just the book and line numbers will do, so it need not take a lot of space) to provide evidence . Another example: on p3. worry about Peleus constantly worried Achilles. It's not just those kind of passages, but all claims you make about the epic need backup and evidence.


8/10


9/10your writing flows well and is correct


8/10I could not figure out why you talked about what you talked about in that order or why the conclusion marked the completion of a task that you set yourself at the beginning.

Comments:

Overall, Leah, I found this paper confusing, because it did not cite line numbers so I could figure out what it was talking about, and it jumped around a lot from one large topic to another without completing any. In addition, it does not obviously complete the assignment as described.I liked the last sentence of page 1, but the paper does not obviously deliver on this promise.

the paper chose a much larger passage than asked for, and that makes it unfocused and kind of chaotic.this paper has a lot of sophisticated ideas in it, each one of which needs explanation and evidence to back it up and tie it to the textAn example of what I mean: how do the first and second paragraph connect to each other? it seems to jump from the reunion with his father to the visit to the underworld, both scenes larger than the short scene I asked for. On P. 3, the insertion of Peleus: cite book and line number:

70/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Jillian FrenetteParameter score


20/30it shows that it is epic in one of the many senses of "epic," but does not show that it fits the genre conventions of HOmeric epic



6/10much of the paper is plot summary or so general that it is not focussed.


10/20no specific parallels are brought to bear

details: is the paper careful and accurate and specific 6/10it is too general to be carefu and accurate and specific


10/10the writing is fine


8/10

Comments: I think there is a disconnect between what I said in class about the assignment, the times we did a "mock assignment" in class, the guidelines on the website, and this paper, which takes "genre" to be epic in general, not "Homeric epic" as discussed in many ways in class.

Essentially, you did the assignment as if you hadn't been in class or read the guidelines (which are contained in the rubric above and on the website clearly marked as such).

The passage chosen is barely discussed, and no parallels are brought up for it.

It's not that anything you say is wrong or bad: it's more that you did the wrong assignment somehow.

70/100

Comments and grading of short paper on a scene from Homer, Oct. 2016: Anthony GuyParameter score


20/30the paper illustrates well a few patterns common to HOmeric epics: animal similes and the phrase "fall thunderously"there is a lot more to do in this passage about Homeric epic conventions



6/10after a while, the lists of instances feels like a list that has stopped illustrating the scene in question and become just a list of more and more


20/20good job collecting evidence and instances of the phenomena you identify

details: is the paper careful and accurate and specific 9/10good


5/10There are significant problems of expression here.


5/10I was not at all sure why the paper was organized the way it was or what task had been completed by the end. You need to tell your reader such things.

Comments:I am not sure that "falling thunderously" draws people into the story. i think of it more as a formula that the poet can use to fill out a line. It is colorful and appropriate, and repetitive. That it is repeated in similar situations is because this is an oral epic whose teller needed such things to be able to tell such a long story well.I agree that metaphors draw people into the story, but they are more important for Homeric epic, because they reoccur with regularity in similar places in similar episodes. That is their genre importance. You bring a lot of good evidence to bear, and it is relevant to the genre of Homeric epics, but you use it to make claims about modern audiences and the effect on audiences in general: the assignment was to show how it fits the genre, the sort of thing that Homeric epic is, not to show that it draws the audience in. It does that, but so does every type of literature somehow. THat's just another topic.

You really need to work on your writing. It has strengths, but overall, it does not come together well into a strong paper.

75/100



24/30



5/10


16/20the evidence is there, the parallels are there, but they are not applied to the passage directly. Instead, they are illustrations of xenia generally.


8/10There are typical sequences in a xenia scene, detailed sequences. They recur. It would have been good to idneitfy those, because those are typical of the Homeric epic. xenia itself is not so much typical of the Homeric epic as a genre as they are typical of the societal customs the epics reflect.


10/10


8/10the paper's strcuture is the standard struture of a list: xenia examples are set next to one another. That is fine. Ways to improve it would be to carefully identify one task that you think the paper completes, identify the most important part of that task, then do it. After that, say "Now that we've established ..., another important and related issue arises. Namely, ..." And then go on until you have fullly completed the task first described, which should be obvious to the reader and so lead in to a stisfying conclusion. As it is, one wonders why you stopped where you stopped: there were more examples.

Comments:

This paper is about xenia, it is not about the scene you identify. Once you treat that scene, it is left behind and a series of bad and good xenia scenes are recounted. They are not employed to analyse the original scene.

78/100

jbailly/courses/clas24trojanwar/com… · web viewcomments and grading of short paper on a scene...

Documents