Level Three Writing Portfolio Exemplars

Achieved Merit ExcellenceProduce a selection of fluent and coherent writing which develops, sustains, and structures ideas.

Produce a selection of fluent and coherent writing which develops, sustains, and structures ideas and is convincing.

Produce a selection of fluent and coherent writing which develops, sustains, and structures ideas and commands attention.

Low Excellence Commentary“The Warrior Within”

This Anzac Day, whether you stand beside the war memorial at dawn or you stand outside KFC after a hard as game of rugby or netball, seize the day, make your young lives extraordinary by deciding what you want to stand for as a citizen of Aotearoa, New Zealand.(1) (7)

Do you stand with our brothers in the Maori Battalions? Do you stand with our wider circle of brothers, Kiwi soldiers at war, Maori and Pakeha, (1) (10) (9) “staunch and true”? (10) Or do you stand with today’s perpetrators of violence and evil on the innocent and vulnerable in our community? (“Kua tae wa!” The time has arrived and you must choose! (1) (8)

Will you stand with the 100,000 New Zealanders took up arms during the Great War. These men stepped up from every walk of life: grocers, politicians, teachers, bankers, lawyers, and farmers. Ordinary men leading ordinary lives. Even so, they had something that no other nation could ever defeat, the Kiwi spirit, (2) “staunch and true.” (10) Our identity as New Zealanders has been forged by these men who defied the ordinary limits placed on courage, perseverance, leadership. They had the determination and the mana to rise up. Do we, still? (9)

These men, our men, were scattered across the globe; though small in numbers, they were huge in stature and spirit. It is true that those who marched to beaches and trenches of Gallipoli and the rolling fields and mud Passchendaele marched for “victory” and “glory,” but they also “marched shoulder to shoulder to win us freedom and peace.” (10) And this is why we remember them. But what do we, the new generation, fight for? (3) Ladies and gentlemen, nearly a century later, has the war truly ended? Or has it simply evolved into our homes, and into our families, our whānau?

At the sounding of the trumpet on the 11th of the 11th 1918, our nation rose to käranga back those who had so valiantly laid

The student produces a fluent and coherent feature article about Anzac Day, which sufficiently commands attention.

The student does this by: sustaining the central idea

about the Anzac legacy to modern New Zealanders in regards social issues e.g. challenging the audience to make a personal connection with Anzac Day (1);

describing what made soldiers of the past extraordinary to challenge the audience to consider if New Zealanders still have those qualities (2);

describing the battlefields of the past and soldiers’ motivations to enlist to challenge the audience to consider what the battles are today for New Zealanders (3);

contrasting the courage and sacrifice of earlier generations with the reality of today’s domestic violence to challenge the audience (4);

honouring those of his readers who have participated in wars over the years to challenge his

down their lives in service and in sacrifice to their country, to welcome home not only those who had survived, but the wairua, the spirit, of those who had died as kiwis on the battlefield. Over 15,000 of our brothers, husbands, fathers, uncles and friends, were never to return to their kainga tüturu, their home land. Within the hearts of so many New Zealanders, there lies an empty tomb, a void that nothing can fill; but upon those tombs, we lay wreaths, wreaths to honour their courage and their sacrifice for the good of their country and their people, wreaths of hope that these men had not died in vain.(4)

But step with me now, into this present day. Where are the courageous? Where are the strong? Where are the real Kiwis (4) “staunch and true”? (10) For my generation faces new wars, new battles, new challenges, which need the brave and the strong at heart to overcome them. My generation battles a war within the boundaries of Aotearoa, within her people. Step with me now, into a generation where our biggest fear is no longer the crack of the bullet leaving the rifle, where the enemy is no longer separated by a stretch of land, but by a broken arm’s length, (4) where the average number of Kiwi women and children who felt so unsafe in their homes they needed to escape to a Women’s Refuge safe house is 244 on any night. Where over 80,000 innocent Kiwi children will be subjected to some form of abuse, and over forty – forty too many – will be murdered each year; And so I ask again, where are the brave? Where are the courageous? Where are the true Kiwis?

My great great uncle was one of many who strode into Hiroshima after those frightful bombings on the 6th of August 1945. As he sailed to Japan, the fear of not knowing what was to come, not knowing if he would get there, not knowing if he would get back, haunted his every thought. The fact that he continued in the face of adversity and hardship, is the epitome, in my eyes, of true bravery. Our forefathers had the courage to stand and face their battles. Do we? Will my generation stand on the front line and be warriors for freedom and peace within Aotearoa; for those, it seems, who are battling their own Cretes, their own Vietnams, and their own East Timors? (5)

And so I speak to the hearts of all our young and upcoming soldiers to awaken the Cyril Bassets, the Charles Uphams, the Unknown Warriors, lying dormant within them. (6) (10) Let it not be said that once we were warriors. Now is the time we say no violence and drug abuse. Now is the time that we cherish our women. Now is the time that we protect children. For amidst this morning song of the lark and tui , we will hoist our flag into its rightful place this ANZAC day. And let it be a sign to all youth in New Zealand that as we lift this flag, we also let our courage and perseverance and leadership and true kiwi nature fly into its rightful place – within us. Staunch and true.

We will remember the leaders of the past, we will remember their dedication, and we will remember the sacrifices they made. We will remember them. But now it is our time to defend ‘he tangata’, the people, our people. Me Maumahara, He tino toa, I roto I ia Tangata. Rapua te toa nei, me whangaia, ka tupu, ka puawai.

own peers to protect the vulnerable in society (5);

calling New Zealanders and young people to action to exemplify the spirit of Anzac Day by taking a stand against violence and drug abuse and nurturing and empowering future generations (6)

Insightfully integrating these ideas with language features throughout the article

e.g. parallel construction, pronouns, imperative, repetition, emotive language and quotation (7); rhetorical questions 8)

insightfully integrating ideas and language with effective structures: comparisons between the past and the present; balancing of emotive description and reflection with direct appeals and challenges, transitions (9);

repetition to create a verbal transition into the next section (9)

selecting and integrating a “warrior” motif to sustain the purpose of the speech, which is to honour Kiwi soldiers in the past and challenge and inspire a modern audience, e.g. lyrics of The Maori Battalion Marching Song throughout the text, reference to New Zealand battles and heroes and Maori proverb (10), repetition of the opening quotation to conclude the speech, creating a striking whole.

To achieve Excellence more securely, the student needs to explore some ideas inmore detail e.g. “warriors for freedom and peace” and “battling their own Cretes, their own Vietnams, and their own East

Remember, within every person is a great warrior. Nurture and care for that warrior, and they will grow, and they will blossom. (10)

Seize the day, Maori and Pakeha. For it is this which will make your young lives extraordinary.(10)

Timors” (11).

Low Excellence Commentary“No Way Out”

Black. Pitch Black. Almost as if all of the light of the world had ceased to exist but for the faint beam slicing through the hostile darkness. The light came from the small torch grasped in my hand and barely seemed to penetrate the inky darkness which threatened to swallow it. (5) (13)“Oi Magpie! Hold the torch still!” Phil’s voice, though forceful, was nearly lost in the darkness of the cave.“My name is Maggie! And if you hadn’t DROPPED yours, I wouldn’t have to!” I shot back. “And maybe if your ego weren’t so big there’d be more room in your head for a brain,” I muttered. (1) (8)

A shiver ran down my spine. The freezing water from the underground stream had soaked through my shoes ages ago but my thick thermal top had managed to keep out most of the cold until now. Ever persistent, it was now beginning to crawl under my clothes and over my skin. (11) I could just see Phil’s hunched over back squeezed down between the narrow gap of the limestone walls of the cave, as he fumbled around in the dim light looking for his missing torch.“Hurry up Phil! We’re getting left behind,” I snapped in frustration. Damn it. I would give anything to be back in the school van now. I let out a sigh as my thoughts drifted back to earlier that morning…(6)

“Now don’t be fooled by this weather folks, the buildup of low pressure on the western side of these ranges means it rains for almost ninety percent of the year!” Derek, our caving instructor loved sharing facts about his beloved mountain ranges. “And remember,” he continued, “all the streams are connected one way or another through these hills, which makes them quite unpredictable. (10) In fact...” He continued to babble on but I’d lost interest and turned to gaze out the window once again. The bright sun hovered just above the distant Tennyson Mountains making it hard to believe there was rain pouring down just on the other side of the ranges. I wished I was still in bed but my mother thought it would help me adjust to the new school I hated. Nobody was actually mean, but nobody talked to me either. (7) Except Phil Cameron, my partner for Chem. He just never shut up and apart from being arrogant, he was also a complete idiot. I secretly named him “Phil the Fool” after an episode in Chemistry where he decided to add three times the suggested amount of Sulfuric Acid to the Sodium Hydroxide, which consequently over flowed and burnt his entire hand, covering it in raw red blisters. (1) (13)

The student produces an entertaining and suspenseful text about interpersonalrelationships and perceived and genuine risk in an outdoor education context which commands attention. The student does this by:

sustaining the importance of interpersonal relationships and risk e.g. describing the conflict between the two main characters (1);

suggesting that both might be outsiders (2);

showing how their conflict is putting them at risk (3);

creating a situation of perceived/genuine risk that will require the characters to problem solve and trust each other (4)

Insightfully integrating these ideas with effective structures e.g.

an intriguing introduction (5) flashback (6), exposition to show backstory of

conflict and outsider status (7), rising tension, climax and

cliffhanger ending; balance between dialogue /

description (8) and humour /suspense (9), foreshadowing (10)

All of a sudden the van gave a lurch as we pulled over a rut on the roads edge into a muddy little turn around area for cars, with an overgrown track leading into the bush.“Right. Here we are folks, the Templar Cave system. Grab all your gear; jackets, woolly hats, torches, gummies and don’t forget your safety gear and get ready for some extreme caving?!” We didn’t have to walk for long before he announced cheerfully, “There it is ladies and gents. The Giant Drop. Once we’re in it’s onwards and outwards folks, no turning back. And you’ll just love The Squeeze….” (13)

Black. Pitch Black. Almost as if the light of the world had ceased to exist, but for the few faint beams of light slicing through the hostile darkness ahead of me. (13) I could see the others further ahead, silhouetted by their torches.

“The Squeeze is just a bit further on folks, time to get down and dirty.” I could faintly hear Derek’s enthusiastic voice from the front of the group. Great, I thought. We’d been in the cave now for what seemed like forever after abseiling down through the darkness like we were being fed to some horrendous monster. And of course, when Derek had partnered us all up as a safety procedure, I ended up with Phil. Safety? Hah! Not with Phil the Fool!

The light from my torch lit the area in front of me, I could see Phil’s legs knee deep in water searching for footing in the darkness. All of a sudden my ankle lurched sideways. ….! I twisted my body and groped for the side of the cave just managing to get a hand hold on the slippery wall, to stop myself from toppling into the freezing cold water. Was it my imagination or was the water getting deeper?“Keep it together klutz! We’re already behind thanks to you.” Phil’s voice cut through the darkness.“You’re not going any faster, so shut it.” I fired back.“If it weren’t for you I’d be leading this pack of morons,’ Phil replied. (3) ”I’m the Cave Master!” As he swung his arms into the air in a grand gesture, his torch flew from his hand, hit the wall and rebounded through a narrow crack in the wall of the cave.“Cave Disaster more like,” I sneered. “Now who’s holding us back? Hurry up and find it, you idiot!”“….!”I gave a start at Phil’s voice. “What now!”“My torch, it’s ahh... well it’s ahh... broken...” he replied, somewhat deflated. Some safety procedure this partnership was. (3)“Look just get outta that crack so we can find Derek. Maybe he’ll have a spare? That is if he’s enough of anidiot to lend it to you.”Phil emerged from the darkness of the crack. “Shut it wisie! Now get your move on.”

I turned my torch towards where I’d last heard the faint voices of the rest of the group. The light danced across the limestone until it stopped short against solid rock. “What the...” I stammered in shock. God this can’t be happening. As I drew closer I saw

Insightful integrating ideas and effective structures with language

e.g. diction, imagery (11) and descriptive detail to evoke the setting and build personality and mood of characters. These aspects can be seen in the first two paragraphs and throughout the text: (1) (8)

selecting effective structures (repetition of key details) to create a coherent, fluent text and striking whole, integrating them with language e.g. (13); “The Squeeze” to foreshadow the danger ahead (13); the Chemistry experiment to reveal character and create a plot complication (13).

To achieve Excellence more securely, the student needs to:

develop a more credible situation e.g. the unlikely separation from the instructor

explore the underlying ideas about the importance of interpersonal relationships to balance the plot driven text.

that the tunnel didn’t end at all. The ceiling of the cave sloped steeply down to the water. It chilled me to the bone.“Phil…” I said weakly.“What’s going on?” his voice now right behind me was filled with confusion.“The Water... It’s risen. We’re trapped.”There was a long silence until Phil said hesitantly, “I think this might be The Squeeze. It’s a sort of risk perception thing Derek was talking about in class the other day.”“As if you ever listen to anything in class!” I scoffed.“Well, no not usually but this sounded a bit interesting…. All we have to do is swim underwater for about half a minute and then we’re on the other side. There’s just one problem….”“Only one?” I asked sarcastically. (3)“I can’t swim.”“Then why did you come on the trip if you knew you’d have to swim?” I shouted.“Too embarrassed,” muttered Phil. There was another really long silence.“Phil - I’m a really good swimmer but you’re going to have to trust me….”“What! Trust a whiny little Emo girl like you? You must be joking. (3)There must be another way out!”“There is no way out . Are you absolutely sure Derek said it was thirty seconds?”“Well … pretty sure.”“Like 100 % sure, Phil? Not like ‘I’m-pretty-sure- this-is- how-much-Sulfuric Acid-we-use’ sure?”“100 % sure. Maggie” (9)If we waded into The Squeeze as far as we could, I thought, and Phil held onto my shoulders, I could swim us under, if we both kicked like hell. And Phil didn’t panic.“Phil?”No answer.“Phil – it’s now or never cos the water is rising really fast…”“Let’s go,” he said quietly.(4)

High Merit Commentary

“Performance”

Approaching the door I know I’m already late. Funny, being late used to fill me with a sick, giddy feeling like standing on the edge of a cliff but now nothing but a slow, weary sense of deja-vu. The door creaks when it opens but Teacher doesn’t even look up.“Still wearing those lead boots I see.” (1)You mean “hear.””Don’t suppose you brought a late slip?“Yes Miss.”“And might I ask why are you late to class? Again.”“No reason Miss.”Two performers doing the same routine. (8)I take my seat at the back of the class, supress the heat of mild irritation and irrational embarrassment rising up in my face. This isn’t our first performance after all and it probably won’t be the last (8)… Another period delegated to the monotony of education.

The Slackers mess around as usual. More studious types, the Nerds or the Desperates write down notes off the board diligently. I stare into space looking into nothing in particular. In the corner of the classroom nobody expects you to participate. It’s easier this way. (2)Teacher’s words float through the air – A cumulonimbus of knowledge raining wisdom. But sometimes her voice doesn’t even reach my distant chair; it wavers, outnoised and rendered meaningless by the hum of social bees.Look on the bright side! At least they’re not talking to youTrue. Mindless banter from idiots is never appealing.Hmmm…. Your negative emotions regarding this particular social clique appear to be grounded in your own neurotic need to be accepted coupled with a self-knowledged social ineptitude and features of reactive depression.Thank you Freud!Daydreaming gets me through the day, my own little sanctuary from school and home, somewhere quiet….

A slacker sniggers at one of Teacher’s comments. My eyes flicker open for a moment then a slow fuzziness, a pleasant drowsiness, honeylike, pours into me, turning animated chatter and Teacher’s authoritative tone into a low hum…. I jolt into back consciousness with a chair squealing behind me as a jock ducks for cover as his friends shower him with paper darts. I roll my eyes to the ceiling then notice for the first time that not only is it splattered with paper spitballs but it’s perforated with tiny little holes maybe 30 across 30 down 1,2,3,4,5,6,7, … wait…. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11…. Man, maybe it’s more than 30 ….which would make it ummm…. Well, a lot anyway…. Try again 1,2,3…. (7)

The student produces a fluent, coherent and convincing short story about an intelligent but disengaged teenager avoiding interaction with those around him. This student does this by:

sustaining the idea of an intelligent but disengaged teenager e.g. suggesting that student’s late arrival to class has not always been the case and describing the negative interaction with the teacher (1);

describing his disconnection during the class and suggesting that he might be troubled in some way; describing his interaction with and escape from his concerned teacher (3)

Integrating these ideas with a discriminating use of effective structures,

e.g.narrative, a rising tension plot structure with a resolution (4);

balancing internal stream of consciousness with dialogue (5) and description (6) to create the teenager’s sense of detachment)

integrating them with language features which begin to command attention:

descriptive details, humour, formal and colloquial diction, imagery. e.g. “The Slackers mess around as usual. …Teacher’s words float through the air” (narrative description) - A cumulonimbus of knowledge raining wisdom (internal monologue) “But sometimes her voice doesn’t even reach my distant chair; it wavers,

The “Hrrumph!” from the whiteboard is an abrupt reminder that sleeping in class, while not strictly prohibited is frowned upon by the faculty of the school. “Mr Tamihana, would you care to explain why you are wasting your time and mine? Well?? Do you find this class boring?”Maybe. “No Miss.”I know what comes next. A few more generic lines and the teacher will back off and leave me to my own devices.“Truth be told, you’re not planning on finishing this assignment, are you.”“No Miss. No wait - I mean – What was that, Miss?” Dammit, teachers never usually ask questions like that! Teacher’s glare could melt plastic. “After school, Mr Tamihana. No excuses.”

An empty classroom. Well, except for Teacher and me.“Mr Tamihana. You’ve never been the most diligent student, but any one with eyes can see that something’s up.” (3)At least she didn’t say “What’s wrong,” a statement I profoundly dislike. Mainly because it’s almost never used sincerely.“What’s wrong?”A grimace almost crosses my face. Time to play dumb. (8)“Miss?”She replies with one eyebrow raised, not fooled, “Don’t play dumb.”Try another approach.“Miss, I’m fine.” Small grin and a slight crinkle to the eyes. Learning to smile authentically: probably the best spent thirty minutes of my life.A shadow, maybe doubt, crosses Teacher’s face. “You’re sure?”“Absolutely.” Hold the smile…Teacher nods whether in acceptance or resignation, I don’t really care. Home free at last. Whatever that means

outnoised and rendered meaningless by the hum of social bees” (narrative description, imagery) (7 )

selecting a performance motif, integrating it with language to convincingly develop the teenager’s sense of detachment and artifice e.g. (8)

To achieve Excellence, the student needs to integrate effective structures andlanguage with ideas insightfully e.g. by exploring reasons behind narrator’s disengagement.

Low Merit Commentary

The Kiwi bach: a thing of the past?

“Bach.” Even the word is iconically Kiwi. Mum grew up spending summers in a bach that was little more than a shed, bathing in the river down the back of the section and getting lost in the surf three times a day. Now a trip to the beach seems to be just an opportunity to (1) (4) parade around in too-short shorts, jandals designed by Trelisse Cooper (6), and cruise around the surf shops drinking iced coffee checking out cute guys. Of course, if that begins to bore you (6) then there’s always the wide screen and bean bags to retreat to, complete with SKY HD and microwave popcorn of course. So much for the old days of Monopoly and mussel fritters. The old days when the décor consisted of decrepit, mismatched furniture, just pausing before its final resting place at the tip, and knick knacks made by mum in technicraft classes at intermediate.(4)

The student produces a fluent, coherent and piece of column writing about the kiwibach that is just sufficiently convincing. The student does this by:

sustaining the central idea that the loss of the bach is a loss of kiwi cultural identity (e.g. describing and contrasting past and present experiences of the Kiwi holidaymakers “ (1); describing and contrasting traditional baches and modern

These days our coastlines are (5) eclipsed by blocks of towering concrete inset with black cedar features, bi-folding glass doors to create that indoor-outdoor flow, glass balastrades, landscaped terraces of yuccas and carex grasses, double garage, four bedrooms, (2) each with their queen bed and two complete with en-suites. But you know, every time we bowl down a nice little bach we’re destroying part of our culture, a culture which can be seen in the simplicity of the Kiwi bach, the picnic umbrella, boiled eggs and burnt sossies with the last of the Wattie’s tomato sauce squeezed over them.(6)

…paragraph omitted…

And when we lose our baches, we’re also going to lose our stories. There’s that taped up window that Steve put a cricket ball through (3), the wall in the laundry with everyone’s height measured on it. There’s that wobbly brick where Kathie stubbed her toe when she four, that wonky latch on the downstairs door where Jen broke in after she hitch hiked all the way from Hamilton. There’s the pile of jigsaw puzzles, each with at least three pieces missing after Josh played ‘pickup 2000’ with them all. (6) There are stories in our baches, stories that often don’t have relevance at home in the city. The more we lose our kiwi bach, the more we lose our memories —and the more memories we lose, the more we lose ourselves. We sacrifice memories of ourselves and our families for home theatre systems and Venetian Shutters. For internal access garaging and limited collection prints on the walls. What’s the point? Hasn’t it always been drummed into us by grandparents and nostalgic teachers that we have to know our past to build our future? (7) And yet here we are in the twenty first century tearing down our pasts and building boring futures!

And what about little kids today? What about their memories? I don’t know about you but for me, going away to the beach means freedom. (3) But uptight modern baches constrict that, just like uptight modern houses do. So where’s the holiday? There’s not a lot of fun in eating ice blocks over the sink while everyone else plays ‘Go Fish’ because Mum doesn’t want pink fingerprints on the couches. This is why we need old, falling down baches. I mean sure, Mum has a point, but wouldn’t it be easier for everyone if webunged in old brown polyester couch, already dotted with tomato sauce and Fanta and could just sit back and relax? I don’t know many people who consider scrubbing down white furniture a holiday. It’s a shame because going to the bach used to be a Kiwi kid golden memory. Too bad it’s going to disappear. Just like our baches.

holiday homes (2); linking the loss of these baches to the loss of personal stories, cultural identity; linking to the loss of freedom and “golden kiwi kid golden memories” (3)

integrating this through the discriminating use of structure, e.g. contrasting the past and present; balancing personal anecdotes with more generalised observation (4); transitions e.g. (5)

integrating ideas, language and structure with some discriminating language selection e.g. humour, descriptive detail, specific cultural reference, listing, pronouns, parallel construction (6).

To achieve Merit more securely, the student needs to:

explore in more detail what it means to “know our past to build our future” ( 7 )

rely less on listing of examples to develop ideas convincingly.

High Achieved Commentary

“Superwoman (11) vs The Desperate Housewife”

"Desperate Housewives" aren’t just found on Wisteria Lane in Television City.(7) They can be found in every walk of life as the

result of social change over the last four decades. Forty years ago feminism was at a peak. Frustrated, bitter women wanted all

the same rights as men, including being able to go out into the workforce instead of being slotted into the role of traditional

The student produces a fluent and coherent column about the dilemmas facing modern women.The student develops and makes links between ideas to sustain the central idea about the dilemma facing modern women by:

identifying feminist “Superwoman” expectations as a

housewife. Early feminists, Betty Friedan, Gloria Steinem, and New Zealander (1) Sue “its not your penis we envy - it’s your

freedom,” Kedgley paved the way for new generations of women, making them believe that they could be Superwoman (11) and

have it all, run a household, look after their children, spend time with their hubby and friends as well as have a successful career.

But some would say this just set women up for a fall in the future. And they’re right.

Today, more and more women are deciding that while it is possible to juggle all these factors, it‘s simply too difficult (12) (2).

Being Superwoman doesn’t mean that women achieve at a super high level across the board, impressing everyone with their

“amazing powers” with a quick flick of their red cape and toss of their tiara topped hair. (9) (11) No, it means difficult choices have

to be made: women can’t neglect their children but they can’t neglect their job either, not if they want that promotion. Guilt

comes naturally to women. If they aren't being 'Superwoman', they feel guilty. If they just go a job or a family, they feel guilty.(8)

They can’t win. It’s ridiculous really that the feminists believed in this 'Superwoman' thing. Men were only able keep a high flying

career going because they had wives to cook, clean and look after the children for them.

So this is the backlash. Although women fought hard for the rights and opportunities that women have today, two thirds of

Australian women say they would go back to being a housewife (3) if they could afford to do it. In a Time magazine poll, the

majority of men and women thought it was best for children to have a father working and a mother at home. According to the

British Guardian, most children grew up with a stayat-home mother in the 1970s. Now only 30% do. 65% of adults view this as

negative for society. So much for the “amazing powers of Superwoman! Women want the perfect 1950's white picket fence and

the 'happy family' fairytale where men looked after their wives (4) by providing for them, taking on the pressures of the outside

world so women didn’t have to. We can see this in films like Stepford Wives and Pleasantville. They’re perfect, aren’t they?

Of course not. When you put someone else in control of your life like this, you’re not really having a life your own at all and that is

what made women become desperate housewives in the 1960s (5), taking Valium or Mother’s Little Help to get through years in

the suburbs. Handing control over to men and relying on them financially can drain women’s sense of independence and can even

be dangerous for some.

cause of desperation for modern women (1)

describing the impact of these expectations on women (2)

using research to explore the backlash against feminist expectations (3)

linking this to a desire for a return to the less complex world of the 1950s (4)

presenting the negative aspects of such a world briefly (5)

balancing both views in the conclusion (6).

The student selects appropriate language features to create consistency in meaningand effect, and to sustain interest by:

using allusion - "Desperate Housewives" aren’t just found on Wisteria Lane in Television City. They can be found in every walk of life as the result of social change…” (7)

using emotive language and repetition e.g. “Guilt comes naturally to women. If they aren't being 'Superwoman', they feel guilty…” (8)

selecting effective vocabulary e.g. “… amazing powers” with a quick flick of their red cape and toss of their tiara topped hair” (9).

The student selects effective structures by: using transitions to create a coherent text e.g. “But some would say this just set women up for a fall in the future. And they’re right. Today, more and more women are…” (10)

…paragraph omitted…

The picture perfect view modern day housewives have about 1950's is an illusion. If you asked housewives then what it was like

for women in that era, I bet some would have a rather bitter reflection of it, just like the women of today have about trying to be

a 'superwoman.’(6) Maybe this is the real challenge for the future: finding a solution for modern women who don’t live in a comic

book world of super heroes.(11)

using a Superwoman motif e.g. title; “…. women who don’t live in a comic book world of super heroes” (11)

To achieve Merit, the student needs to explore ideas in more depth e.g. “the pressures of the outside world”, consequences of “handing control over” to someone else, and the significance of the films selected, integrating these with language and effectivestructures

Low Achieved Commentary

“The Perfect Dress”

As the car slowly glided across the shiny, wet concrete, I stumped back in my seat, fear welling up in my stomach. As the car came

to a stop outside the mall, I slumped back in my seat. Mum was silent. We hardly ever went shopping together. She always said

that she had too much housework or was too tired but really it was because every time we went shopping together we argued Big

Time, even over the littlest of things. But for once it could not be avoided by either of us. She had the money and I needed it. (1)

I hopped out of the car into the freezing air. She looked at me with a cold stare. It seemed like it wasn’t just the weather that

made it cold I could sense her reluctance from the passenger side. Mum was silent and l could sense her anxiousness as we

awaited the difficult task ahead – picking out a ball dress. I hastily closed the door, walked over to the shop entrance and waited

for the strong lemony scent of her perfume to close in on me (4). “This is it,” we said to one another as we awkwardly linked arms

and plastered fake smiles onto our faces.

As we stepped in to the store, the noise was incredible. Excited teenage girls were running everywhere in search of the perfect

dress to the racks where ball dresses hung like a giant swaying rainbow. Everyone here was looking for the same thing. Other

mother and daughter pairs just like us too, the atmosphere was bizarre.

“Where to begin?” I said in a bright fake voice.

The student produces a fluent and coherent short story about a mother/daughter relationship.

The student develops and makes links to just sufficiently sustain a central idea aboutthe tension between a mother and daughter and its resolution as the mother comes to accept that her daughter is growing up by:

describing each characters’ anxiety as they arrive at mall e.g. “I slumped back in my seat. Mum was silent and tight lipped. We hardly ever went shopping together…. “ (1)

building a sense of tension e.g. “How about over there?” said Mum pointing to the row of sale items….” (2)

describing the conflict and awkward truce

resolving the conflict and beginning to enjoy being together (3).

The student selects appropriate language

“How about over there?” said Mum pointing to the row of sale items in a dark corner of the shop that no one but Mum would be

drawn to. (2)

As I watched from a distance, she began swinging the coat hangers from one end in lightning speed, and yet in disturbing orderly

fashion.(6) She glanced at me and said loudly “You don’t want to be wearing such revealing dresses as these do you, Neelaja?” (5)

Two girls giggled. My head sunk to the floor. She swung the last dress across the rack and went to sit down on the chair as if she

had done what she came here to do and was now ready to leave. That’s when I lost it!

“Mum! I know this is hard for you and believe me I’d much rather be here by myself but now that we are can you please please

PLEASE just get up and at least pretend you want to be here! ” I heard my voice crack and people around us began to stop and

stare. There was dead silence. Mum’s brown eyes pierced through me. There was a long pause.

“Fine,” she said.

We slowly walked down a row of dresses together and I prayed that we would agree on something. My fingers were crossed. First

dress too revealing, second dress too boring, third dress … Silence. We both glanced at each other and then back at the dress. It

was the most perfect looking dress I had ever seen, long and flowing like a beautiful river. Mum looked at me, her eyes more

squinty than ever, and then her plump lips began to curve. “This is the one” she said. “Neelaja, this is the one you must try on.” (3)

It was perfect on.

We walked over to the counter and asked how much the dress cost. I hoped that it was within our budget and I closed my eyes.

The salesgirl scanned it. “$250,” she said to us in a low voice. I held my breath. You could have heard a pin drop then Mum said,

“Alright. We will take it, my dear.” I stared as she took out her purse. (6)

I happily swung the shop bag as we left the shop. “Now that wasn’t too bad!” I said as I attempted to break the silence. Mum’s

mouth tightened then she began to laugh. (3)

features to create consistency in meaningand effect, and to generally sustain interest by:

using descriptive detail and vocabulary e.g. “I slumped back in my seat. Mum was silent;” “I… waited for the strong lemony scent of her perfume to close in on me” “I heard my voice crack and people around us began to stop and stare. Mum’s narrow brown eyes pierced through me. There was a long pause;” “First dress too revealing, second dress too boring, third dress … Silence. We both glanced at each other and then back at the dress” (4).

The student selects effective structures by:

selecting plot structure (exposition, rising tension, climax, suspense, resolution)

selecting dialogue to create character and mood – “She glanced at me and said loudly ‘You don’t want to be wearing such revealing dresses as these do you, Neelaja?’” (5).

To achieve the standard more securely, the student needs to:

build up the tension in the shop in more detail and explore the reasons behind the mother’s sudden change in attitude

improve fluency of language in places e.g. “Excited teenage girls were running …. like a giant swaying rainbow;” and “…began

swinging the coat hangers from one end in lightning speed, and yet in disturbing orderly fashion;” “We walked over to the counter… her purse” (6).

High Not Achieved Commentary

“Don’t be mean”

Most of you will remember something from your first day of school, not all of you will. Chances are you remember something

whether it’s your mum crying and taking photos, or your cool new lunchbox you got to use for the first time. Personally I was

really excited for my first day (4), although now I look back and wonder why exactly I was so keen to get up at the crack of dawn

every day for the next 13 years. My first day was pretty good. You all probably remember how little kids just made friends right?

“Hi! My name’s Emma! Will you be my friend?” and BAM instant friendship. This was how I made my first best friend at school.

We were best friends for a whole two weeks! Until… I got a tummy bug and spewed all over her shoes. After that she didn’t talk to

me again, not even once! (5) That was just the start of all the friendships we would make throughout school… we didn’t yet seem

to understand how important good friends could be back then. It seems as though many of primary school memories revolve

around vomit. In year two there was one boy who decided to spew all over the…

There is one primary school memory that doesn’t have anything to do with vomit however. It was getting my first pair of glasses. I

was in year four and I just could not see the board no matter where I sat in the classroom. And after complaining to my teacher

which resulted in her screeching at me to “Go get your eyes checked then!” Me and mum were off to the optometrist. I got told

that from then on I would have to wear glasses to help me see. At the time I thought I was sooo cool, and my friends used to say

that with my hair in pigtails I looked like Suzie Cato off Suzie’s World. But that was at the time and things have changed a lot since

then (1) and now I have worn either glasses or contacts everyday unless I feel like tripping over everything in my path. So how did

all this make me who I am today? Well this is difficult to answer, because I’m still trying to work this out myself. One thing I know

for sure is that it has led me to have an insane phobia of vomit. When I say phobia I mean that if I see, hear or smell vomit, I start

crying and shaking uncontrollably, without fail.

The student begins to develop, structure, and sustain a central idea about thestereotyping, judging and rejection of people in our society by:

describing and explaining her growing awareness of people’s judgementalism (1)

identifying and describing examples and consequences of societal intolerance (2)

challenging the audience to consider the impact of their actions on other people (3).

The student selects appropriate language features to create consistency in meaningand effect, and to sustain interest by:

selecting and using vocabulary and stylistic features such as pronouns, descriptive detail e.g. “Most of you will remember…. Personally I was really excited for my first day…” (4);

rhetorical questions, humour and onomatopoeia e.g. “You all probably remember how little kids just made friends right?.... she didn’t talk to me again, not even once!” (5);

parallel construction e.g. “You could be the person …. that

But really there is much more to it than that. As I grew older, school showed me that people are judgmental and there is no way

to escape this. You just have to learn to accept people’s opinions and move on. But still I find it unfair that because of something

completely out of your control,(1) such as wearing glasses, people can be bullied and excluded. If you have glasses then you will

know exactly what I mean when I say that people judge you instantly for wearing them. I am the biggest hypocrite of all, I judge

people for wearing glasses and I need them myself! It is how society has shaped me and every one else and is also why I resent

glasses so much myself…. I was instantly labeled as a geek. It is purely because of other people that in year nine I started wearing

contacts”

Many of you will agree with me when I say that a large portion of your happiness and confidence comes from having good self

esteem and right now it seems as though your self esteem is either good or bad depending on other people’s opinions of you. I’m

not saying this goes for every one, some people don’t care at all what others think of them. However I think that even those

people have a tiny part of them that does care, and unfortunately there is always some one who knows exactly how to crush it.

Any one who knows me knows I’ve done swimming my whole life, and competitively for the past four years. Of course because I

have done swimming for so long you assume I must really love it right? Well for fourteen out of sixteen years I’ve done it, I hated

it. At first I only swam because Mum made me, but then I realised once I started it competitively that a lot of people were

impressed by the fact I trained sixteen hours a week, not including weights sessions. So I kept swimming. Not because I liked it,

but because of how other people saw me. There were a couple of years where I did actually love it; I was getting really good

results from all the training, I had heaps of friends and a really good coach. But this didn’t last. A few people in my squad and I

were on bad terms, and then I got a long-term shoulder injury, as well as a new coach I didn’t agree with. This made it even less

enjoyable, but in the end my shoulder was what forced me to quit.

Society nowadays is extremely unforgiving. People get judged for absolutely everything about them. And it’s getting worse. (9) (2)

Now that every one has mobile phones, and is a part of websites such as facebook or tumblr, there are so many different ways for

people to bully others (2); there is no escape. If we can change the way our generation sees other people, and change the way

they choose to kill themselves” (6);

repetition e.g. “People ask, .....attention seeking” (7).

The student begins to use an effective structure by selecting chronological anecdotes

e.g. early friendships, Suzi Cato glasses, and personal reflection on societal issues e.g.

bullying, suicide, and ‘a call to action’.

To achieve the standard, the student needs to:

explore some ideas in more depth (8) e.g. bullying, and media influence

select effective structures to sustain the central idea and create a coherent text

e.g. using transitions to connect anecdotes about friendship and children being ill to the stereotyping, judging and rejection of people in society; personal

experiences in the swim team to an “unforgiving society” (9).

they act towards others, then eventually it will come right; but trying to change every one will be near impossible. That should not

deter you because it will be worth it. It will be worthwhile living in an anti-bullying, non-racial, nonhomophobic world where you

can be yourself. Imagine the world this way; it would be a huge step towards world peace. Not only that but it would lower the

suicide rate as well, something that of current times is becoming a huge world issue.(2)

Currently in America the overall suicide rate per 100 000 people is 11.3. And in New Zealand, it’s 13.8. That’s almost half this class.

Per 100 000. In New Zealand we have 4 000 000 people. Add that all up and approximately 552 people in New Zealand die from

suicide each year. That doesn’t include attempts or people who may feel that way but don’t choose that option. People ask, ‘if

they felt this way, why didn’t they say something?’ the answer is simple. People like you tell them they are attention seeking. (7)

Bullying is a leading cause of suicide (2). It occurs at all ages; from kindergarten, through school, right into the work force.

Whether they are bullied for their appearance, race or sexual orientation, in the end it doesn’t matter. It still hurts. And

unfortunately it hurts some people more than others to the point where they feel they can’t take it anymore. You could be the

person that pushes someone to that point. You could force someone to be so unhappy that they choose to kill themselves. You

could be a murderer. (6) All because of that one small comment you made towards them. Sometimes people can bully themselves

thanks to todays’ society. Society feeds us images of skin and bone models and filters out any photo of normal sized people,

making some people feel as though they are not good enough.

I know you have all heard of this before, but we are shaping the world this way, we are making people unhappy, yet we don’t try

to fix it. Doing something about this could save at least one of those 552 New Zealanders, possibly even more!

I once read a story that made me realize how much our actions really affect other people.(3) It talked about two American boys in

high school, one being your typical stereotype of a ‘geek’, and the other a jock. As the first boy was walking home one day

carrying the entire contents of his locker, he tripped and dropped it all. The other boy saw what happened and came over to help

him carryall his books. They ended up walking home together and becoming best friends. A few years on the boy who was the

jock was getting married, and the other was his best man. Of course this meant he made a toast to the groom. What he said was

something along the lines of this: “I owe my life to my best friend. That day we met I was carrying everything home from my

locker to save my mother the hassle of going and doing it; that night I was planning on committing suicide. But as I was walking

home you smiled at me and helped me and became my first friend and so I decided to stay.” No one, not even the groom himself

had known this. This story proves that we don’t know how our actions may affect other people, whether good or bad, and they

can be the difference between life and death. We don’t always know the truth behind people, or how they really feel, so we do

not know the real harm of what our words can do.

All I ask is that you think about what you’re saying before you say it. Not just next time, but every time. You never know the affect

your words could have on someone else, no matter how old they may be.