jonas elementary

8/22/2019 Jonas Elementary

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C H A P T E R 1

Jonas Elementary

Jonas Elementary is a large brown building.

The sign above the front door says J n s l m nt ry. It should say JonasElementary, but last year someone stole all the vowels in the school.

The building has twelve classrooms, one hundred and eighty-two windows,thirty-two doors, and a hidden closet that no one can find...because it's hidden.

There are exactly five hundred and twenty-seven students who attend JonasElementary. Of those students, two hundred and fifty-six are girls and two hun-

dred and seventy-one are boys. There are four sets of twins, two sets of triplets,

and one set of quadruplets. The quadruplets are named Harry, Larry, Barry, andSteve. Speaking of Steve, there are exactly fourteen boys and one girl named Steve

at Jonas Elementary.

There are twelve teachers at Jonas Elementary. Some of them are young andsome are old. The young teachers sometimes forget to brush their hair because

they have a hard time getting up for work in the morning. Some of the teachers

are new and some have been teaching at Jonas Elementary for a long time. Miss

Henderson has been there the longest. She is the lunch lady. She claims that she

has seen over 1,000 different students throw up after eating her lunch. She is very

proud of that fact and continues to make the worst lunch food ever.

Jonas Elementary is a very normal school for students to get an education. Un-fortunately, the students and teachers at Jonas Elementary are not so normal.

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C H A P T E R 2

Important Charactersin This BookPrincipal Bob

Principal Bob is the principal of Jonas Elementary. He is kind of short,slightly fat, and definitely bald. Everyone who knows him thinks he is the most

clever person they have ever met. He loves children and even more than that, loves

scaring children, but not the wet your pants kind of scary, just the scare off your

underpants kind.

Principal Bob has worked at Jonas Elementary since 1984. He taught the 8thgrade for many years. Jonas Moore, who the school was named after, was the prin-

cipal back then, but he died mysteriously on the third floor on a rainy evening overthe summer of 2005. Many people still believe his ghost still roams the halls of the

school. When he died, Principal Bob took over of course. Everyone thought it was

quite natural and made a lot of sense since Principal Bobs first name was Princi-

pal. He credits his mothers incredible foresight.

There are some more things you need to know about Principal Bob. He abso-lutely hates broccoli and he still drives the first car he ever bought, a 1984 Toyota

Corolla that is the most ugly shade of brown you will ever set your eyes on. It is sougly and so brown, the kids at Jonas Elementary call it the PoopMobile.

Unfortunately, Principal Bob has a disease called Sweaty Palm Syndrome andif you've ever heard of it, you probably know that it's just about the worst syn-

drome you could ever have. Now if you don't know what Sweaty Palm Syndrome

is, start praying that you never get it. It can make your life very, very...sweaty.

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Just what is Sweaty Palm Syndrome you ask? Well it's quite simple. Wheneveryou're around a person you like, the palms of your hands start to sweat uncontrol-

lably. That means when Principal Bob is around Miss Harding or Miss P or Miss

Bent or Miss Armstrong or just about any other woman who isn't his mother, his

palms start to sweat uncontrollably. In a matter of moments there could be twohuge puddles next to Principal Bob. One from the sweat of his right palm, and the

other from his left. As you can imagine, that can be quite embarrassing and slip-

pery if your not looking down when walking.

Miss P

Miss P is a brand new teacher at Jonas Elementary school. She teaches the

third grade and really dislikes germs. The school Janitor, Mr. Moses, has a huge

crush on her. She has her own personal rug, that only she is allowed to stand on.

Miss Harding

Miss Harding teaches the fourth grade class at Jonas Elementary, always wears

a white blouse with a black skirt, and has never heard of Yummy Cola, the drink

that makes you smart and fart.

Mr. Bopple

Mr. Bopple is the fifth grade teacher. He is very tall, very mean, and has very

bad brussel sprout breathe.

Yummy Cola

Yummy Cola is the yummy drink that makes you smart and fart.

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Pierre

Pierre is a rascal of a fourth grader who is always inappropriate and unmanage-

able. He absolutely loves drinking Yummy Cola and can fart the alphabet.

Alyssa

Alyssa is a very trendy fourth grader who always knows about the latest popu-

lar things. Her teacher Miss Harding thinks she talks too much.

Amanda

Amanda is a big mouthed girl in third grade who is very nosy and has beenknown to faint on several occasions.

Jonas Moore

Jonas Moore built Jonas Elementary with his bare hands and he had three of

them. He was also the first principal of the school, but he died mysteriously in the

summer of 2005 when his body was found on the third floor, decapitated. Princi-pal Bob had a statue made of him which now stands on the first floor by the en-

trance. Its one of those creepy statues where the eyes seem to follow you where

ever you go.

Rock Rockwell

Rock Rockwell is the muscle-bound host of Muscle Time Happy Hour, a showthat is most definitely not for children.

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C H A P T E R 3

The Haunted Houseat School

All the children in Miss McKenna's second grade class stopped talking the mo-ment they heard Principal Bobs voice on the loudspeaker.

Attention all boys and girls. Im happy to announce that this Halloweenwere going to have a very special treat for you. In addition to the 500 pounds of

candy Ill be handing out, Ive decided to design my very own haunted house.

Every little boy and girl will be scared out of their underpants when they walk

through my haunted house on Halloween. So make sure you wear underwear that

day.

Oh boy! I love haunted houses! yelled Venus. I bet you it wont be scary at all, screamed Big Jim.

I never wear underpants, called out Kenny. Back to work! shouted Miss McKenna. The second graders went back to

work, but none of them could concentrate. They were too busy thinking about the

scary haunted house.

The next morning at assembly, Principal Bob stood on the stage with a micro-phone in one hand, and a big, dirty shovel in the other.

Hows everyone doing this morning? Good Prin-ci-pal Bob, said the all the children. Im doing pretty well myself. I spent all night in the cemetery digging up

some zombies for my haunted house.

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A couple of little boys and girls screamed. Youre just kidding, right? asked a 6th grader. Kidding? Oh no. I never kid. Just look at my shovel. Its covered in dirt from

digging all night.

All of the children looked very scared. Well, have a very nice day. Miss McKenna will be acting as Principal today

because I wont be here, said Principal Bob.

Where are you going? asked Venus. Im off to Egypt to get some mummies for the haunted house, laughed Prin-

cipal Bob.

Youre really going to be scared out of your underpants. Later that day in Mr. Fatapanos class, the 8th graders all looked nervous. Usu-ally nothing scares the 8th grade, not even State Tests. But today, all the 8th grade

could think of was Principal Bob digging up zombies in the graveyard.

I think I saw some zombie brains on his shovel, said Brian. Im pretty sure I saw a zombie eyeball on Principal Bobs shoe, said Sarah. I hate zombies, said Steve. You cant kill them cause theyre already dead. The next morning at assembly, Miss P, the third grade teacher, announced

that Principal Bob wouldnt be in. He was in Transylvania, gathering blood suck-

ing vampires and bats for his haunted house.

I feel bad for you kids, Miss P said. You are really going to be scared outof your underpants.

Im not scared! yelled Big Jim, who happened to be the smallest student in

the 2nd grade.

Ill be the first kid to go in the haunted house and I wont scream or bescared out of my underpants!

Wow. Big Jim is brave, Kenny said to Venus. Well see how brave he really is on Halloween, replied Venus.

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The rest of the week various teachers made various announcements aboutPrincipal Bob traveling to various places to get various creatures to haunt his

haunted house.

Rumors started to swirl around the school. I heard Principal Bob went toScotland to capture the Loch Ness Monster, said a 5th grader.

Kathy told me that her dad said Principal Bob went down to hell to bringback up some devils, said Elizabeth from 4th grade.

Principal Bob is in the mountains searching for Bigfoot, said Miss Harding. I heard he went to Massachusetts to gather some witches, said the 7th

grade teacher, Mr. Chang.

By the end of the week the children were so scared of having their under-pants scared off of them in Principal Bobs haunted house, no one wanted to go

inside; no one except Big Jim.

Then came Halloween. It was on a Monday, which meant all the kids had a

whole weekend to think about how scary the haunted house was going to be.

At assembly everyone was wearing a costume including the teachers. MissHarding was a giant pumpkin. Mr. Chang was a cowboy. Even Principal Bob worea giant chicken costume.

The stage was covered in black with a huge haunted house sign on it. Well kids, today is Halloween. I spent all last week searching the globe for

the scariest monsters I could find. So who wants to go in?

For the first time ever, every single kid in the school was quiet. Whats wrong kids? You scared? All the children nodded their heads yes. No one is brave enough to try? asked Principal Bob with a huge smile on

his face.

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Everyone looked at Big Jim, the smallest kid in the 2nd grade. Big Jim couldfeel 500 hundred pairs of eyeballs looking at him. Ill try it Principal Bob, Big

Jim said in his toughest voice.

The whole school watched in horror as Big Jim, dressed in a police officer cos-tume, climbed onto the stage and disappeared into the haunted house.

Thats when the terrifying noises started. There was a witchs cackle. AHHHHEHEHEHE! A werewolf s howl. AAAOOOOHHHHH! The fluttering of bats wings.

The stomping feet of Bigfoot. THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! The wail of a mummy. OOOOOOOOHHHH! The moans and groans of zombies. OOOHH AAAHHHH.The laugh of a vampire. MUUUUHAHAHA

Then there was the blood-curdling scream of Big Jim. It must have lasted for10 seconds. Big Jim burst through the exit of the haunted house with his hair

raised six inches in the air and his underwear in his hand. He ran straight to Princi-pal Bob and grabbed his leg, shaking with fear and pale as a ghost.

Holy Cow! It scared the underpants off of him! screamed Venus. The whole school was staring at Big Jim who slowly let go of Principal Bobs

leg and looked at his classmates.

Thatwasawesome! Big Jim screamed as he threw his underpants in theair. Im going to do it again!

Big Jim made a mad dash for the haunted house entrance as his underpantsfell on Principal Bobs head, but no one in the school even noticed. They were too

busy making a dash to be first in line for the haunted house.

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Everyone had an awesome Halloween, except for Mr. Moses, the janitor.Why, you ask? He had to clean up all the underpants that got scared off the kids.

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C H A P T E R 4

Miss P.

Mr. Moses was the school janitor. He was madly in love with the new thirdgrade teacher, Miss P. He didnt have to ask her if she was married. He knew that

she wasnt since her name started with Miss. If her name started with Mrs., and

she was married, hed still probably have a crush on her anyway.

Miss P was the newest teacher in school. She had never taught a class beforeand didnt know what to expect. On the first day of school, she stood in front of

the class on her personal rug (more about that later) and cleared her throat.

Hello boys and girls. Im your teacher this year. Please call me Miss P, shesaid in a cheery voice. What does the P stand for? asked Amanda.

It doesnt stand for anything, Miss P replied. I dont get it, exclaimed Buchanan who had a very loud voice. Theres nothing to get. My name is Miss P. So the P isnt short for some long, hard to pronounce name? inquired Cor-

dell.

No. My last name is just P, Miss P answered back. I hope your first name isnt P also, said Amanda. Why? asked Miss P.

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Cause than your name would be PP! The whole class started to laugh.Hugo fell out of his seat. Miss P looked upset. The whole class was laughing at her

and she had only been their teacher for five minutes.

Thats when Mr. Moses came in. Everyone stopped laughing. They werescared of Mr. Moses. He was always dirty and smelly and usually yelled somethingabout putting trash where it belonged.

He walked right up to Miss P and extended his hand. Hi, Im Mr. Moses, theschool janitor.

Hi Mr. Moses, Im Miss P, the new third grade teacher. Miss P. What a lovely name, he said as Miss P started to blush. Is it short

for some hard to pronounce name?

No. Its just P, she answered. Well I hope your first name isnt P also, he said. Why? Because then your name would be PP! All the kids started cracking up as Mr. Moses left the room with a wave good-

bye. Miss P was not happy.

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C H A P T E R 5

The School SpellingBee

It was time for the school spelling bee and all the participating students were verynervous. Vera threw up her lunch all over her new shoes, Amanda fainted in the

nurses office, and Hugo nearly wet his pants.

All the students assembled on the stage and took their seats. Okay kids, said Principal Bob. Now I know that a lot of you are very nerv-

ous.

Youre not kidding. I almost wet my pants, exclaimed Hugo. I have some tried and true methods to help you relax that Id love to share

with you.

But youre the Principal. You probably never get nervous, said Vera wholooked like she was ready to throw up again.

Now thats not true. I have to stand on this stage in front of all of you everymorning. So I do this everyday, Principal Bob said as he adjusted his tie. Not to

mention I have to speak to all of your parents at PTA Meetings, and some of your

parents are scary.

My dad is scary, someone cried out from the back row. So whats this trick Principal Bob? asked Hugo. Its simple. When youre standing in front of a large group of people, and

you feel very nervous, just picture the audience naked with only a pair of black

socks on.

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Eeeeeewwwww, exclaimed the children. How is that going to calm us down? asked Amanda. Well, its funny in a weird sort of way. You may even find yourself chuckling

out loud, said Principal Bob with a look of assurance. Hugo started laughing, at

first a little, and then a lot. He rolled right off his seat.

Whats so funny? asked Principal Bob. I just pictured you naked with only black socks on! All the Spelling Bee contestants had a good laugh at Principal Bobs expense,

but he didnt seem to mind because they all looked a lot more relaxed than they

did a minute ago. You might make an argument that Principal Bob planned the

whole thing.

Moments later the curtains opened and the contestants were sitting in frontof the whole school. Mr. Fatapano said some opening words and introduced the

three judges. They were Miss P, Miss Harding, and Mr. Dizzle, the librarian.

Then, a boy from the 8th grade played the national anthem on his saxophone. He

looked nervous and he made a lot of mistakes. Too bad he missed Principal Bobs

talk on how to relax in front of a crowd.

After the national anthem, the first round started. Every contestant wouldwalk up to the microphone, wait for Mr. Fatapano to give them a word and then

they would spell it.

Vera was first. The word isdog, said Mr. Fatapano.

Thats easyD-O-G, dog, said Vera with a smile. Next up was Amanda. She wobbled up to the microphone and fainted beforeMr. Fatapano could give her a word.

Now it was Hugos turn. He stepped over the passed out Amanda and ad-justed the microphone.

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The word isplacebo, said Mr. Fatapano. Hugo panicked. He had never heard this word before. He felt his face turning

red as his three hundred schoolmates stared at him. His palms felt sweaty. He

couldnt concentrate. He saw Principal Bob out of the corner of his eye and then

he knew what to do.

Hugo looked at the audience and then started to laugh, at first a little, thenharder and harder. He laughed so hard he fell off the stage.

Then it was Venus turn. She tripped over the sleeping Amanda, tripped overthe microphone stand, and fell off the stage.

Big Jim was up next. He made sure not to trip. The word ischicken, droned Mr. Fatapano. Big Jim was nervous so he knew exactly what to do. Hey Miss P, he said, I can see you with no clothes on except black socks. Mr. Fatapano told him he was disqualified and he jumped off the stage into

the snake pit.

Kenny was the only contestant left who hadnt had a turn. He walked aroundAmanda and up to the microphone.

The word isdelicatessen, said Mr. Fatapano. What? said Kenny in his high-pitched voice. The kids in the audience

chuckled.

Delicatessen, replied Mr. Fatapano.

Kenny had no clue how to spell the word so the only thing he could think ofdoing was picture everyone naked with only black socks. He started to cry.

Whats wrong Kenny, asked Mr. Fatapano. Its not fair, said Kenny. Whats not fair Kenny?

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Everyone is naked with black socks except me, cried Kenny. I want to benaked too!

Kenny started to take off his clothes as the curtain closed quickly. Mr. Fata-pano declared Vera the winner and also announced that no one had ever won be-

fore with such an easy word like dog.

When Amanda finally woke up, Kenny was still standing on the stage naked,with only black socks on. She fainted again.

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C H A P T E R 6

Mr. Fatapano

Mr. Fatapano was the 8th grade teacher. He had been teaching at Jonas Elemen-tary for a very long time. When he first started teaching he was very skinny and

also very nice, but the 8th graders he taught were always very mean. They would

call him names like Mr. Fat-pants-o or just Mr. Fat (they werent that creative). He

became depressed, ate a lot of food, and eventually became fat for real.

Now Mr. Fatapano was a fat teacher who wasn't very nice. He disliked his stu-dents and loved to punish his class. One day he caught Ferrell and Shaun throwing

spitballs in the girls hair.

You two degenerates think that its funny to throw spitballs in girls hair?

boomed Mr. Fatapano.

Yes, the boys said in unison. Well I dont. The entire class is punished at lunch time. The entire 8th grade began to moan and groan. Several students shot nasty

looks in the direction of Ferrell and Shaun. Mr. Fatapano just laughed an evil

laugh. His big belly jiggled and hit Mary in the face. Her glasses flew off her face

and out the window. The glasses fell onto the playground where Pierre, a 4th

grader, was playing kickball. He slipped on the glasses as he went to kick the ball

and fell on his butt. The ball hit his foot and took an awkward bounce over the

fence. It hit the windshield of a car an old man was driving. The old man lost con-

trol of his car and veered left into the teachers parking lot. His car slammed into a

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red Toyota Camry that belonged to Mr. Fatapano. Mr. Fatapanos trunk was

smashed into his back seat.

At lunchtime, the 8th graders had to sit in silence. They werent allowed totalk at all and before they started eating they had to let Mr. Fatapano check their

lunch bags.

He walked up and down the aisles reaching into each students bag. Candy coated caramel apple. This is not healthy for you Ashlee, he said as

he confiscated the apple so he could eat it later.

Oreo cookies Mr. Mallard? This will give you cavities, but dont worry, Illtake them off your hands, Mr. Fatapano said as he stuffed the cookies into his

pocket.

Mr. Fat-pants-o Fatapano! Mr. Fatapano, said Ferrell. Are you going to take everyones snacks? If by snacks you mean healthy food like fruits and vegetables, then no.

Those are acceptable. If you mean candy, cupcake, cookies, chips, and doodles,

then yes. I will be taking all of those, said Mr. Fatapano as he laughed another

evil laugh. His belly jiggled once again, this time smacking Ritchie in the mouth.

Ritchies retainer flew out of his mouth, bounced off Marys head and thenout the window. It landed on a squirrels tail. The squirrel freaked out. It started to

run across the playground. It ran up Amandas leg and onto her head. Amanda

freaked out. She started to scream. Her classmates freaked out. They started to

scream. Miss P freaked out. She started to scream and ran out into the street. An

old lady who was driving had to swerve out of the way so she wouldnt hit Miss P.

The old lady freaked out. She hit a parked car. The parked car freaked out. It

started to roll down the street. It rolled right into a construction area where con-

struction workers were about to demolish a house with a big crane. The parked

car that was rolling smacked into the crane. The crane operator freaked out. He

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pressed all the buttons and pulled all the levers at once. The crane freaked out. It

swung wildly across the street, tipped over, and crashed on top of the PoopMobile.

Back in the classroom, Mr. Fatapanos stomach stopped jiggling. He sat downat his desk that was covered in a mound of goodies that he confiscated from his

class and he started to eat all of it. The students watched as he devoured severalsmall bags of cheese doodles, potato chips, pretzels, and popcorn. Then he moved

on to four packages of Twinkie's, three donuts, and some Oreo cookies.

As he ate, Mr. Fatapano's stomach continued to grow larger and larger. Aftera few minutes his stomach had grown so big, his shirt could no longer contain it.

Three buttons on the his shirt popped off and his big belly came hanging out. His

belly hit the desk. The desk slid across the floor and hit Ferrell. Ferrell slid across

the room and slammed into the classroom door. The door flew open and smashed

Mr. Dizzle, who happened to be walking down the hall, right in his face. Mr. Diz-

zle fell on his butt and slid down the hall, crashing into a bunch of sixth graders.

The sixth graders fell down the stairs and smashed into a bookcase. The bookcase

slid down the hall and hit a statue of Jonas Moore. The heavy marble statue of

Jonas Moore came toppling down and smashed straight through the floor and into

the basement where it landed on top of the generator that powered Jonas Elemen-

tary. The generator was flattened and stopped working. All the lights went out. Allthe toilets stopped flushing. All the teachers stopped teaching. All the student's

stopped learning.

All the students and their teachers gathered in the gym where a very sad look-ing Principal Bob stood holding a megaphone.

School will be cancelled for the rest of the day due to Mr. Fatapano destroy-ing the school generator and my...Poopmobile.

Both the students and teachers gasped. They ran out of the building like apack of zoo animals let out of their cages. Everyone headed straight for the park-

ing lot and sure enough, there was the Poopmobile, flattened like a pancake.

All Principal Bob could do was sit next to the first car he ever owned and haddriven to school everyday and cry.

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C H A P T E R 7

Report Card Night

Three times a year there was a report card night. All the parents would come upto the classroom and pick up their child's report card. Then the teacher would say

something nice or something not so nice about their kid.

Miss Harding had made a whole list of nice and not so nice things she was go-ing to say. Then she tried to memorize which nice or not so nice thing she would

say for each of her students.

At 6pm the parents arrived. They were a surly bunch. Miss Harding got nerv-ous. She started to mix up which things she wanted to say. For example, she

wanted to tell Carlos' parents that Carlos was an exceptional student. But shegot nervous, and instead she said Carlos needs to bathe more often. Carlos' par-

ents were very insulted and they walked out of the classroom in a huff.

Then Pierre's parents came. Miss Harding couldn't remember if she was sup-posed to tell them that Pierre was a hard worker or farted too much so she

ended up telling them he was a hard farter. They were not happy and vowed to

not let him drink any more Yummy Cola. Miss Harding felt terrible.

Then Alyssa's mother came to get her report card. Alyssa was the smartestgirl in the 4th grade, but she also talked to much. Miss Harding was afraid to say

Alyssa talked too much. Her mother might not let her talk anymore. So instead,

she picked a random nice thing to say about her.

Alyssa smells very good, said Miss Harding.

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Alyssa's mother didn't seem to think that was very important, so MissHarding tried another.

Alyssa is very good at adding and subtracting, said Miss Harding whosepalms were sweating badly.

Alyssa's mom was not impressed since the third grade teacher had told herthe same thing last year.

Miss Harding decided to pick something from the not so nice list. Alyssa is often caught picking her nose, said Miss Harding with a nervous

smile.

Alyssa's mom was furious. She stormed out of the 4th grade classroom and

slammed the door behind her. Miss Harding felt terrible. She started to pack up

her things when Principal Bob's voice boomed over the loudspeaker.

Miss Harding, please stop by my office before you leave. Thank you, saidthe voice. Miss Harding had a feeling that this wasn't going to be a friendly meet-

ing.

* * *

Principal Bob hated report card day. Parents always wanted to come and speak

to him about this and that, and Principal Bob hated parents. He prepared a list of

nice and not so nice things to say to the parents, but he had a terrible time remem-

bering them, so he wrote the nice things on the palm of his right hand and the not

so nice things on his left. Miss Harding walked into his office just as he was studying some of the not sonice things he wrote on his left hand. He planned on saying a few of them to Miss

Harding because so many parents had complained about her.

Miss Harding, he said in his stern Principal voice. I'm very disappointed inyou. Several parents complained that you said rude things about their children.

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I'm sorry Principal Bob. It's just that I hate parents and I never know what tosay. So I wrote a list of nice and not so nice things to say about the children but I

forgot which things went with which kid, said Miss Harding in her sweetest possi-

ble voice.

That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard, said Principal Bob. He de-cided it was a good time to say something not so nice so he checked his left hand

but all the ink was smeared into one big mess because of his Sweaty Palm Syn-

drome.

Darn these sweaty palms, he blurted out. Excuse me? said Miss Harding. Principal Bob had to think fast. He tried to think of some of the not so nice

things he had written.

Your breathe is like a dirty ogre's, he said without a second thought. What? I mean...you still haven't paid your tuition. I'm not sure what you're talking about Principal Bob, said Miss Harding

who was starting to think she was about to get fired.

Principal Bob tried his hardest to think of something he had written on hishand.

That outfit is not very flattering, he screamed. Miss Harding's face turned purple. She was wearing a black skirt with a white

blouse and it was her favorite outfit. I'm so sorry. Is it inappropriate?

Yes. Very. Don't ever wear it again! Miss Harding went home exhausted. She felt lucky that Principal Bob didn't

fire her, but at the same time she was terrified about what to wear to work. She

went to her closet. It was full of white blouse's and black skirts. She took them all

out and threw them in the garbage. When she went back to the closet the only

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thing left was a hideous purple dress that one her students had given her as a gift

last year.

Looks like I have a brand new wardrobe, she sighed to herself. And thus began the era of the Hideous Purple Dress.

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C H A P T E R 8

The Hideous PurpleDress

It was Friday and Miss Harding had been wearing the same hideous purple dressall week. It was quite unsightly and was starting to have serious side effects on the

fourth grade.

Brittany threw up her lunch on Tuesday after staring at the dress for too long.Alyssa started crying uncontrollably on Wednesday after she found a piece of pur-

ple fuzz from the dress on her pencil case. Marcos failed his spelling test Friday

morning when he wrote P-U-R-P-L-E for every answer.

It seems that every student was being affected one way or another because ofthe hideous dress. That's when Pierre had an idea. He decided that if he was hon-est with Miss Harding and told her just how ugly the dress was, she would never

wear it again.

Miss Harding was in the middle of a language arts lesson when Pierre raisedhis hand.

Yes Pierre, said a cheery Miss Harding. Miss Harding, that dress you've been wearing all week is disgusting and I

wish you would stop wearing it, Pierre said as politely as he could manage.

Miss Harding didn't seem upset at all. Well thank you for your honesty Pierre, she said with a smile. She was

about to turn back to the board when Carlos raised his hand.

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Miss Harding, if you keep wearing that nasty purple dress, I fear that I maygo blind, Carlos said in a quite serious tone.

I understand Carlos. Thank you, she said. Does anyone else have anythingto say about my dress? It's okay, you can be honest.

I hate it! someone shouted from the back. Your dress brushed against my arm before and now I have a rash, said Mar-

cos.

Why are you torturing us? screamed Alyssa. Well class, I think it's very nice that you take such an interest in my ward-

robe. I know you all loved my black skirt and white blouse outfit, but Principal Bob

told me that I simply cannot wear it any longer, said Miss Harding.

Huh? said the class. None of the students had ever given a second thoughtto Miss Harding's outfits before she started wearing the hideous purple dress.

Yes, I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to wear it. This is all I have left to wear. Youknow, you really didn't have to make fun of it just because you miss my old outfit,

Miss Harding said cheerily.

We don't care what you wear Miss Harding, said Pierre. We were just be-ing honest. That purple dress is absolutely hideous!

Miss Harding looked visibly upset. Do you all really think my dress is hide-ous?

The whole class nodded. Miss Harding's face turned purple. She whipped around to the board and

quickly wrote a sentence: 'Sometimes honesty is not the best policy.'

You will write this sentence fifty times each as a punishment, she said with anasty scowl.

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Really? said Miss Harding with a sinister smile. Let's see how that works.Pierre, you smell like you haven't showered since Wednesday.

The class started to laugh. Pierre looked like he was going to cry. And Alyssa, you think you are so smart but you failed your Social Studies test

I gave yesterday.

Alyssa teared up instantly as the class snickered. Carlos, you have buck teeth and Marcos, you're going to be bald by the time

you turn twenty.

Carlos and Marcos both exploded in tears.

Brittany, you have the worst haircut I've ever seen but at least you don't havebad breathe like Jordana.

Brittany and Jordana joined the other children who were crying and sobbing.Miss Harding continued around the room until she had been honest with every

one of her students. They were all crying and all feeling quite bad about them-

selves when she was done.

So as I was saying class, sometimes honesty is not the best policy, MissHarding said as she sat down at her desk and used all the tissues in the tissue box

so the children couldn't have any.

From that day forward, none of the children in the fourth grade were everhonest again. Ever.

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C H A P T E R 9

The Fourth GradeLiars

The fourth graders were liars. After the incident with Miss Harding's dress, theyall decided to never tell the truth again, ever.

Pierre, did you do your homework last night? Miss Harding asked. Pierre had stayed up until 11pm working on his homework. He was so tired

he even missed his favorite TV show, Muscle Time Happy Hour, so he could finish

all his math and spelling and language arts. No, he lied. I didn't do any of it.

Well that makes five days in a row. I think I'll be calling your parents this af-ternoon, said Miss Harding.

Don't bother calling them, he replied. They're on an African jungle safarifor the rest of the year.

Really? Who are you staying with then, Pierre? You're not old enough to liveby yourself.

Now Pierre knew he was in trouble. The problem with lying is that sometimeswhen you tell a lie, you have to follow it up with another lie, and that other lie is

usually a bigger lie than the first lie. Now Pierre was going to have a tell a third lieand this one was going to be a doozy.

Well Miss Harding, my Uncle Ricky is watching me until they get back. Miss Harding looked right at Pierre. She could see the small beads of sweat

falling off his forehead. She knew he was lying.

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Doesn't your Uncle Ricky live in Canada? Pierre gulped. He felt his throatgo dry. Well before they left, my parents set up a webcam so he could see what

I'm doing from Canada.

Miss Harding decided to play along with Pierre's lies. She knew that if some-one lied enough, they would start to forget their original lie, and then they wouldget busted.

So who does your laundry? Who buys groceries for you to eat? Who cooksyou dinner?

Pierre's brain started to hurt. He couldn't possibly come up with more lies for

all these questions. Luckily, the whole fourth grade was a bunch of liars.

My mom is doing Pierre's laundry until his parents return, said Alyssa. My Aunt Bertha is buying Pierre's groceries for him, shouted Rudy. Pierre has dinner with my family every night, said Clyde. Except Friday's, Carlos threw in. Friday's Pierre stays at my house. We

have a sleep over and stay up real late.

Janice made a big production of clearing her throat. Ehhhh....hem. Then onSaturday mornings, I go over to Pierre's house with my two sisters, and we help

him clean the house.

Yeah and on Sundays Pierre comes to my house and we play video gameson my dad's 50 inch TV, said Peter who was always thinking about video games.

And I go over to Pierre's house every night to tuck him in, said Lucia whohad a huge crush on Pierre. Lucia's cheeks turned bright red. So did Pierre's.

Well, it sounds like you are being well taken care of while your parents areaway on their trip to the North Pole.

Yup!said Pierre without thinking. As soon as he said it he knew he wasbusted.

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But Pierre, I thought your parents were on an African safari? said MissHarding who was grinning from ear to ear.

They are, but after that they are going to North Pole to pick up my Christ-mas presents from Santa in person, lied Pierre. Now he knew he had really over-

done it.

Miss Harding could see that if she didn't put a stop to this, her class wouldjust keep lying forever, so she decided to tell a lie of her own. Now we both know

that's a lie, Pierre. Santa Claus is not real.

Suddenly the class was silent. Each boy or girl's mouth was hanging wideopen, tears starting to form in the corners of their eyes. Clyde started crying first,

than Janice, Alyssa, Peter, and Maryanne. In a few seconds everyone in the class

was crying, even Mikey, the classes pet goldfish.

After a few minutes the fourth graders of Jonas Elementary had run out oftears. The floor of the classroom had two inches of water on the floor and Miss

Harding had to open the door and let it run out into the hallway.

Now class, do you see how bad it is to lie? asked Miss Harding. No one an-swered her.

I told you a lie, just like the lies you all told me. There is a Santa Claus and he

does live in the North Pole.

You mean, you were just lying when you said he wasn't real? asked Peter. Of course I was lying, said Miss Harding. Who do you think puts all those

video games under the tree for you Peter?

Peter was smiling again. So was everyone else. We're sorry for lying to youMiss Harding, said Pierre. We will never lie again.

Promise? Promise, said the class and from that moment on, the fourth graders were

no longer a bunch of liars.

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C H A P T E R 10

Muscle Time HappyHourPierre is in the fourth grade. He is a very mischievous young boy. His favorite

thing to do is to do things he is not supposed to do. Phew! That sentence was a

doozy.

That includes watching a show called Muscle Time Happy Hour whichcomes on every night at midnight. All the other fourth graders in his class are fast

asleep at midnight, but not Pierre. He goes to bed at nine, then sets his alarm to go

off just before midnight so he can sneak downstairs into the living room and

watch Muscle Time Happy Hour!

Muscle Time Happy Hour is a crazy game show and it's only for adults. Thegame has a host named Rock Rockwell, a seven foot tall muscle bound maniacwho challenges regular guys to come on his show and try to beat him at different

games. But no one ever beats Rock Rockwell. He's faster, stronger, and just plain

better than every regular guy, which is why he never loses.

Pierre secretly wishes that when he gets older he can be a contestant on Mus-cle Time Happy Hour. The prize for beating Rock Rockwell is a super sweet, to-

tally rad muscle car called the Mean Green Machine. No one has ever won it be-

cause no one has ever beaten Rock Rockwell!

I could beat you Rock Rockwell, Pierre whispered to himself as he snuckdown the stairs and turned on the television.

Muscle Time Happy Hour was just starting and Pierre loved to watch theopening credits. His favorite part was when Rock Rockwell picked up five girls in

bikinis and lifted them over his head at the same time.

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One day I'm going to have muscles as big as Rock Rockwell's, Pierre said ashe danced to the music of the opening credits.

Hey losers! That was Rock Rockwell talking. His face was so close to thecamera it was like he was in Pierre's living room.

Let's meet the chump who had the nerve to challenge me, Rock Rockwell, toa game of Muscle Time Happy Hour! The TV audience erupted into cheers as

Rock Rockwell flexed his enormous muscles. He even had muscles in his hair!

Pierre flexed his muscles too, but they were puny. Tonight's challenger is a loser named...Principal Bob? Pierre fell off the couch. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. Could that

really be Principal Bob on Muscle Time Happy Hour?

Sure enough, it was. Principal Bob jogged onto the Muscle Time HappyHour stage wearing a pair of tight fitting green pants and an even tighter fitting

blue shirt that had no sleeves. The contestants on Muscle Time Happy Hour

never got to have sleeves on their shirts, probably so Rock Rockwell could point

out that his biceps were much bigger than theirs.

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Hey Principal Bob, are you ready to play Muscle Time Happy Hour, RockRockwell screamed into Principal Bob's face.

I sure am Rock. That Mean Green Machine is going to be mine! PrincipalBob had a very serious look on his face. Pierre knew that look. It was the one Prin-

cipal Bob made was he was very angry at someone. If you saw that face, it usuallymeant you were about to get detention for a week.

The rules of Muscle Time Happy Hour were simple. Every contestant playedRock Rockwell in three different games. If they could beat Rock in two out of the

three, the Mean Green Machine would be all theirs.

Well Principal Bob, our first game is called Boulder Toss, Rock Rockwellsaid with a big smile on his face. The rules are simple. Whoever can throw this

1,000 pound boulder the furthest, is the winner.

Pierre was fairly certain that Principal Bob wouldn't even be able to move theboulder an inch, let alone pick it up, and throw it.

Rock Rockwell went first. He picked up the boulder with ease, lifted it overhis head, kissed his biceps, then tossed the boulder halfway across the stage. The

crowd went wild.

Now it was Principal Bob's turn. He walked over to the boulder with a verydetermined look on his face and grabbed it by the bottom. Then something amaz-

ing happened. His ordinarily flabby biceps suddenly looked rock hard. The more

he flexed the harder they got and soon big muscles popped out of his arms. Then

more muscles popped out of those muscles. His arms had more muscles than Rock

Rockwell's!

Principal Bob picked up the boulder easily and threw it across the entirestage. The audience went wild and Rock Rockwell looked absolutely stunned.

Pierre could not believe what he just saw. He was so excited he started jump-ing up and down on the couch. Go Principal Bob, go! he half-shouted, half-

whispered so as not to wake his parents.

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Beginner's luck, said Rock Rockwell, who for once didn't look so happy.There's no way you can beat me in the next challenge.

Rock Rockwell was right about that. The next challenge was a game of bas-ketball that had no rules. You could foul the other person as many times as you

wanted. Principal Bob knew he had no chance because he was the worst basket-ball player ever.

Alright Principal Bob, the rules are simple. The first person to score threetimes is the winner, and that's the only rule. Ready, go! Rock Rockwell grabbed

the basketball, punched Principal Bob in the stomach and dunked the basketball

so hard, he almost tore the rim off the basket.

Your turn! Rock Rockwell said as he threw Principal Bob the ball. PrincipalBob started to dribble towards his basket when Rock Rockwell stuck his leg out.

Principal Bob tripped over it and landed on his face. The ball went squirming out

of his hand and Rock Rockwell picked it up, jumped across the stage, and dunked

it behind his head.

One more point and I win, yelled Rock. He tossed the ball to Principal Bobwho was just getting up off the floor. The ball bounced off Principal Bob's bald

head, arc'd through the air and landed in Rocks basket. Principal Bob had scoredRock's last point for him and now Muscle Time Happy Hour was tied at one

game a piece.

If Principal Bob lost this last game he would not win the Mean Green Ma-chine that he wanted so badly.

Come on Principal Bob. You can do it! said Pierre, who was sitting so closeto the television he was almost touching it.

Looks like we are tied one to one. If you win the next game Principal Bob,then the Mean Green Machine is yours and you will be the first regular guy to

ever win Muscle Time Happy Hour. But of course, no one has ever beat me, Rock

Rockwell, at Muscle Time Happy Hour!

The audience began to cheer and chant Rock Rockwell's name, but PrincipalBob looked more determined than ever.

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Bring it on, Rock! he said. Okay, here's the last challenge, said Rock Rockwell as a bunch of muscle-

bound guys wheeled out four huge tanks. Two were filled with water and the other

too were empty except for the girls in bikini's standing in them.

This one is simple. All you have to do is fill up those empty tanks with water.Whoever makes their bikini girl float first, is the winner. Are you ready Principal

Bob? asked Rock Rockwell.

Yes! said a confident Principal Bob. Good luck, said Rock as he extended his hand towards Principal Bob. Prin-

cipal Bob went to shake it when Rock pushed him in the chest, knocking him to

the ground. The audience erupted in laughter.

Sucker! Game on, shouted Rock above the crowd. He grabbed a bucket,ran to his tank, filled it up, then ran across the stage and poured it his empty tank

with where a blonde haired lady in a bikini was waiting to float.

If my mother caught me watching this show, I'd be grounded for a year, Pi-erre said to himself when he saw the lady in the bikini.

On the stage, Principal Bob, whose face was red, walked calmly over to the

empty tank he was supposed to fill with water. The lady in the tank just stared at

him.

What are you doing? she asked. Fill this tank up or you're going to lose! No problem, said Principal Bob who put both his left and right hands in-

side the tank. Within seconds the empty tank was half filled as sweat began pour-

ing out of his hands from his Sweaty Palm Syndrome.

What in the world? the girl exclaimed. I have Sweaty Palm Syndrome, Principal Bob explained. My palms start

to sweat uncontrollably when I'm around someone I think is pretty. As Principal

Bob spoke more and more sweat began to pour out of his palms.

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Rock Rockwell could hardly believe his eyes. Principal Bob's tank was nearlyfull. The audience, taking notice, suddenly stopped cheering for Rock Rockwell

and started cheering for Principal Bob instead.

You can do it Principal Bob, Pierre shouted from in front of his TV screen. Rock Rockwell, now about to lose, was running as fast as he could across the

stage with buckets of water. But the faster he ran, the more water sloshed out of

the bucket and ended up on the stage floor. Rock Rockwell slipped on a puddle,

slid across the stage and landed head first in his bucket of water just as the girl in

Principal Bob's tank began to float.

Oh yeah! Pierre screamed at the top of lungs. Principal Bob did it!That's when Pierre's parents came down the stairs and caught him watching

Muscle Time Happy Hour. They yelled at him for almost and hour and he was

grounded for a week, but he thought it was worth it. After all, he was the only kid

in the fourth grade who wasn't shocked when Principal Bob drove into the parking

lot the next day in the Mean Green Machine.

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C H A P T E R 11

Miss P and ThirdGrade Germs

Miss P was the new third grade teacher. She loved children, but she hated germsand untidiness. The janitor, Mr. Moses, was madly in love with her. He also hated

untidiness but he didnt mind germs.

Miss P thought that her third graders were very untidy. When she walkedaround the room she saw all sorts of things that disgusted her. There were lots of

boogie tissues under Amandas desk and when Miss P passed by, Amanda let out a

sneeze in her direction that made her arm wet.

When she passed by Cordells desk, she noticed that there was food crumbseverywhere. On his desk, under his desk, on his head, in-between his fingers, onhis lower lip, and inside his books. Miss P was disgusted.

Then she walked by Hugos desk. There was puddle. She asked him what hap-pened. He said he wet his pants. Miss P was aghast.

She walked back in front of the classroom. Boys and girls, this classroom is adisgusting mess. You are all very sloppy children.

Im not sloppy, Miss P, shouted Buchanan, whose seat was directly in frontof where Miss P was standing. It was true, Buchanan was a very neat boy, but he

had a very big mouth that was very loud and obnoxious. Because his mouth was

so big, it let out a lot of saliva when he spoke, and a huge ball of spit hit Miss P

right on the cheek.

Eeeeewwww. You kids are nasty! screamed Miss P. Starting right now, thisroom will be the cleanest classroom in the school. So start cleaning! Miss P was

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furious and her face was a bright red. The third grade started cleaning immedi-

ately.

The next day, Miss P walked into the classroom with a small rug. She put itright in the front of the classroom, next to her desk. It was a little circular rug that

was primarily purple with a splash of red and orange. She took out a small vac-uum and cleaned it quickly while the third grade watched in interest.

After she had put the small vacuum back in her desk, she stood on the smallrug and cleared her throat. This is my personal rug. It is the cleanest spot in this

room. No one is allowed to stand on this rug except for me. If I catch you stepping

or standing on it I will spank you three times.

With your hand or with a belt? asked Amanda. With my hand, answered Miss P. My dad uses a hanger, said Hugo. Thats nice, said Miss P. Will you be spanking us over our clothes or on our bare bottoms? asked

Amanda.

Well your bare bottoms probably have germs, so Ill be spanking you overyour clothes, replied Miss P with certainty.

My bare bottom is very clean, shouted Buchanan whose mouth was verybig.

I doubt that, said Miss P sharply. No, its true, Buchanan shouted back. How many times do you wipe your butt, Buchanan? asked Miss P.

Three times, he replied. Incorrect! said Miss P. Oh no, shouted Amanda. I wipe my butt three times too.

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I never wipe my butt, Hugo added. The correct answer is: you wipe your butt until its clean, said Miss P as she

wrote it on the board. Now copy down this sentence and write it twenty times.

When Miss P turned back around to face her class, every child had their handraised.

What is it class? she said. We all need to go to the bathroom to get our butts clean, said Amanda.

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C H A P T E R 12

Yummy Cola and theAsteroid

Miss Harding was just about to review the times tables with her fourth grade classwhen Principal Bobs voice came over the loudspeaker.

Attention all teachers and students. I have just received some very bad news.Apparently, government satellites have just discovered that a huge asteroid is

headed towards earth, said Principal Bob in a very concerned voice.

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Now, I know you are all probably thinking that this is terrible, said PrincipalBob as the children and Miss Harding nodded in agreement. Unfortunately, the

news gets even worse from there. The asteroid is headed right for Jonas Elemen-

tary School!

The girls in the class screamed. Miss Harding screamed. Some of the boysscreamed. Pierre farted.

Pierre, how can you fart at a time like this, said Miss Harding in a sharptone. You should be screaming like the rest of us.

Everyone screamed again, except Pierre. He farted instead. Sorry Miss Harding, but I drank so much Yummy Cola last night and than I

had some for breakfast. Its so delicious, Pierre said as he farted again.

Ive never heard of Yummy Cola, Miss Harding said. Oh you should try it. Its brand new and really tasty, plus it has a way cool

jingle, said Alyssa who always knew what was cool and hip.

Really? asked Miss Harding. The whole class started to sing in unison. Yummy cola, yummy cola Its good for you, and it tastes good to Itll make you smart, and it makes you fart Yummy cola, yummy yummy COLA!! Wow, it makes you smart and fart? asked Miss Harding. Yes. Why do you think Ive been farting so much? asked Pierre. Well I hadnt thought about it, said Miss Harding. Luckily, it doesnt make your farts stinky like some other colas, chimed in

Alyssa as many of her classmates nodded their heads in agreement.

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Attention teachers and students, said Principal Bob over the loudspeakeragain. Ive just been informed that the asteroid will be smashing our little school

into bits in less than five minutes. Luckily for me, my car goes really fast. Unfortu-

nately for all of you, youre too young to drive. Have a nice day!

Oh my, I guess if this is the end I should at least try some of this YummyCola. Does anyone have some? asked Miss Harding as tears welled up in her

eyes. All of Miss Hardings students reached into their schoolbags and simultane-

ously pulled out cans of Yummy Cola.

Wow, this new cola really is popular, Miss Harding exclaimed as she took acan from Carlos who happened to have two.

That was the exact moment that Pierre had a flash of genius. Ive got anidea Miss Harding, he exclaimed. I know how we can save the school from the

asteroid.

Well, what is it? No time to explain. Youll just have to trust me. Everyone take your can of

Yummy Cola and follow me, Pierre said as he grabbed his own can and ran for

the door. The rest of Miss Hardings class took off after him.

They reached the playground just in time to see Principal Bob speeding off inthe Mean Green Machine.

Okay everyone, Pierre said as he stood atop an overturned garbage can soall his classmates could see him. Open your cans of Yummy Cola, take a deep

breath of air, and then drink as fast as you can.

Everyone nervously obeyed, even Miss Harding. As they tipped their heads upto get every last drop, the huge asteroid came into sight as the sky started to turn

black.

Oh no, this is the end, said Miss Harding as she crushed her can of YummyCola on her forehead. I always wanted to do that.

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Dont give up so fast! said Pierre as he hopped down off the trash can. Eve-ryone stand in a circle around me. His classmates complied and made a big circle

around Pierre. Now do this, Pierre shouted as he got down on his knees and

stuck his butt up in the air.

Im not doing that. What do you think, the asteroids going to bounce offour butts and back into outer space, pouted Alyssa.

Nope. Were going to blast that asteroid back into space with the power ofYummy Cola! screamed Pierre.

Thats a brilliant idea Pierre. I feel like farting right now, said Miss Hardingas she got on her knees pointed her butt at the asteroid that was only 20 seconds

away from smashing them all.

Her class followed. Wait for itwait for it, announced Pierre. The asteroidwas so close it completely blocked out the rest of the sky. Now!

Miss Harding and her fourth grade class, kneeling on the playground floorwith their bottoms pointing into the air, all farted at the same time. The sound was

terrible and the force was tremendous, but luckily there was no odor. The blast of

air hit the asteroid a second before it was going to smash the school to bits and

sent it rocketing back into outer space.

Everyone celebrated. The school was saved and Yummy Cola became the offi-cial drink of the fourth grade until Clyde farted so hard his desk exploded.

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C H A P T E R 13

Bring A Parent toSchool Day

Principal Bob walked out onto the stage at Assembly, and immediately all the chil-dren of Jonas Elementary School were quiet and in straight lines. Its not because

they were afraid of Principal Bob, quite the contrary, they all thought he had the

most interest things to say. This morning was no exception.

Boys and girls, Id like to announce that tomorrow will be Take a Parent toSchool Day, he said in his booming voice.

All the children cheered. For the rest of the day, the school was buzzing as thechildren made plans to take their favorite parent to school with them the following

day. The next day the gymnasium was extra crowded at Assembly. Nearly everyone of the 527 students who attended Jonas Elementary had a parent with them.

Principal Bob walked onto the stage and immediately the crowd was quiet.Its a real pleasure to see all of you students here today with your parents.

Theyre a lovely bunch. Before you go to the classroom to show them off, Id like

you to meet my mom!

A lady walked out from behind the curtain that looked exactly like PrincipalBob except for the bald head. Instead she had long brown hair on one side, and

long blonde hair on the other.

This is my mom, Lillian Bob. She is 65 years old and she used to be a princi-pal, just like me, said Principal Bob as he smiled at his mommy.

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Hi, Lillian Bob, said the children and their parents in unison. I hope everyone has a nice day today showing off your favorite parent. Ive

heard that some of them can even do tricks, said Principal Bob.

Amandas dad started to bark like a dog. Someone elses mom mooed like acow. Soon everyones parent was making an animal noise. Even Lillian Bob was

crowing like a rooster.

This is going to be the best day ever! Pierre said to no one in particular. Later that day, Miss Harding was having a special 'Show and Tell' in her class.

Each child would have five minutes to show their parent off to the rest of their

classmates. Carlos went first.

This is my dad, he said. He is an accountant which means he works with

numbers all day.

Which numbers do you work with? asked Alyssa. Mostly with one, eight, and zero, replied Carlos' dad. What about five? Do you ever work with five? Five is my favorite number,

said an excited Alyssa.

Oh sure. I worked with five a couple of times, said Carlos' dad. I wish my dad worked with numbers, pouted Alyssa. Her dad, a fireman,

just pulled his fireman's hat over his eyes.

Then it was Pierre's turn. He had brought his grandpa to school. Okay eve-rybody, this is my grandpa!

Pierre, this is bring a parent to school day, not grandparent. That's nextmonth, said Miss Harding with a disapproving look.

But he can take his teeth out Miss Harding. Show 'em grandpa. Pierre'sgrandpa took his teeth right out of his mouth. The whole class was amazed.

Your grandpa is awesome! someone screamed from the back.

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Wow, that is pretty amazing, said Miss Harding. I give your grandpa anA+.

I wish my dad could take his teeth out of his mouth, said Alyssa. Her dadjust pulled his fireman's coat over his head. Then it was Alyssa's turn. Her dad was

a fireman. He stood in front of the class in his fireman outfit. He even had an axe.

This is my dad. He's just a crummy old fireman, said Alyssa. So what do you do exactly? asked Brittany. Well if a house or a building goes on fire, I put the fire out, said Alyssa's

dad proudly.

Sounds boring, said Pierre. What's the axe for? I use this to break down doors and rescue people. Hmm. I use my axe to floss my teeth, said Carlos' dad with a smile. That's nothing. I use my axe to turn off the alarm clock, chimed in Pierre's

grandpa.

Miss Harding clears her throat. Everyone looks at her. I don't mean to bragbut I use my axe to grade the children's tests.

AWESOME! cheers the class. Gosh dad, you're so lame, Alyssa said to her Dad. Alyssa's dad walked over to the windows and slid down the fire pole that was

outside Miss Harding's room and that was the last anyone ever heard of him.

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C H A P T E R 14

Mr. Bopple and theFifth Grade

The fifth graders of Jonas Elementary are very nice children. Bart, the smartestboy in the class, also volunteers his time at the local animal shelter, feeding and

cleaning stray cats and dogs. Pat sings in the church choir. Danny helps out at the

soup kitchen preparing food for the homeless. Many of the other fifth graders ran

a charity car wash to raise money for the school last month.

Unfortunately for the fifth graders of Jonas Elementary, their teacher Mr. Bop-ple, is not so nice. Mr. Bopple is from Sweden. Most people from Sweden are very

nice, but Mr. Bopple is not. Mr. Bopple is very tall. Most very tall people are nice,

but Mr. Bopple is not. Mr. Bopple talks very slow in the morning, and after lunch

he talks very fast. No matter whether he talks slow or fast, whatever Mr. Bopple

says to his fifth graders, usually isn't nice. And one more thing you need to know

about Mr. Bopple...he has some really bad breathe because the only thing he eats

is brussels sprouts.

Mr. Bopple stood in front of his class on a Friday morning. He did not speak.He just stared at the class and he made quite certain that he took the time to stare

at each of his students. It gave them all the creeps and not one of them looked up

at him.

Well class, it is Friday. In celebration of Friday which starts with an 'f',we willbe changing the first letter of everyone's name to 'f'. Mr. Bopple wrote a large up-

percase F on the blackboard.

So to give you an example, Doris, today you will be known as Foris, saidMr. Bopple.

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I think I like Doris a lot better, said Doris who was too scared of Mr. Bop-ple to look at him...ever.

Well that's too bad Foris because today you are Foris and everyone in thisroom shall address you as Foris. Is that understood class? asked Mr. Bopple in his

forceful voice he liked to use when he wanted to scare the students.

Yes, Mr. Bopple, chanted the class. NO, NO, NO! How stupid are you children? screamed Mr. Bopple. Today

you will call me Mr. Fopple! Do you understand?

Yes, Mr. Fopple, chanted a very scared room full of children. Very well then. Let us review last night's math homework. Fat, what is the an-

swer to question number one?

Mr. Bopple was staring right at Pat. Pat was staring at Mr. Bopple. The classwas staring at Pat.

Are you talking to me Mr. Bopple, I mean Fopple? asked Pat. Yes Fat, I am most certainly talking to you. Mr. Fopple, it's not very polite to call Pat fat, said Bart, the smartest student

in the fifth grade. He's only slightly overweight. Most would say plump.

Thank you Fart, but I don't think you're understanding our little experi-ment.

The whole class started to chuckle. Bart realized that if his name started withan F than his name was Fart. At the same time Pat was realizing his name was

Fat.

Sorry, Mr. Fopple. I understand now. Could you use my last name please. I'drather not be called Fart.

Stop making a big stink, Fart, quipped Mr. Bopple. He chuckled at his ownjoke. Now Fat, please let us know the answer to question number one.

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Correct Fat. Now Fart, you take number two. Seventeen Good job, Fart. I'm glad you didn't blow that one. Get it? Blow a fart. Mr.

Bopple slapped his knee three times as he laughed, again at his own bad joke.

That's not a very funny joke, Mr. Fopple, said Bart whose face was red withembarrassment.

Well I thought it was quite funny, said Mr. Bopple, taking a seat on the edgeof his desk. How about Fanny answers number three.

Mr. Fopple looked directly at Danny who had already realized that his new ex-perimental name was going to be embarrassing.

The answer is one thousand and sixty-two. No. I'm sorry Fanny. That is incorrect. Boy, you really pooped on that one.

Get it? Fanny. Pooped. Mr. Bopple fell off the desk and started rolling on the

floor, howling with laughter.

None of the students were laughing. They never laughed at any of Mr. Bop-ple's mean jokes.

You know, if we put you three together we have a fat...farting...fanny. Mr.Bopple started shaking and writhing on the front floor of the classroom. He was

laughing so hard his eyes were tearing.

One day, we're going to get you, said Pat, Bart, and Danny under theirbreathe. And one day, they would.

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C H A P T E R 15

Mr. Bopples NotLaughing Anymore

Bart was a very clever boy. He had a reputation for being the smartest kid in thefifth grade. He also had a terrible nickname. His classmates called him Fart, all be-

cause of Mr. Bopple's little name changing experiment. Bart was not fond of be-

ing called Fart and he was certainly not fond of Mr. Bopple.

Mr. Bopple was easily the meanest fifth grade teacher in the whole world.Bart and his two friends, Pat and Danny, wanted to get rid of Mr. Bopple. They

wanted to make him quit. They all new that it would be a very hard task, but they

were determined to do it. They just needed a plan. Lucky for them, Bart was a

very clever boy.

Word quickly spread through the fifth grade. Bart made sure that they wouldonly spread the news when Mr. Bopple was not with them. In gym class he told

Katherine and Marcy, and they told Doris and Apple. In library, Pat whispered the

news to Johnson and Vince. Danny used his instant messaging program to tell Bill,

Nancy, Keyley, and Ariana in computer class. By the next morning, every kid in

the fifth grade new the plan.

It was time for action! Mr. Bopple was strolling around the room just as he did every morning. Each

student had to have all their workbooks open to the previous night's homework so

Mr. Bopple could make sure it was all done. Only Bart had made sure that no one

did their homework, not a single problem in a single book.

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This is an outrage. Why didn't you do your homework Marcy? Mr. Boppleshouted at Marcy who sat in the first seat of the first row.

Boy, Mr. Bopple, said Marcy as she pinched her nose shut. Your breathereally stinks this morning.

Detention, said Mr. Bopple. He walked to Katherine's desk. He looked ather books. Every page was blank.

You too? Two idiots, snarled Bopple. Oh my, said Katherine as she put her hands over her face. Your breathe is

putrid!

Detention! As Mr. Bopple continued around the room, each child made a comment

about his horrible breathe, and after that, Mr. Bopple gave each student detention.

Then he came to Bart's desk. Bart, or should I say Fart, it looks like you haven't done your homework ei-

ther. What an imbecile.

Bart just looked up at Mr. Bopple. His eyes rolled back into his head and hishead slammed down on his workbooks that covered his desk.

Oh my god, your stinky dragon-butt breathe killed Bart, yelled Apple. Murderer! shouted Danny. Shut up! shouted Mr. Bopple. The four students sitting directly in front of the screaming Mr. Bopple col-

lapsed on their desks too. Pedro added a little embellishment by falling out of hisdesk and onto the floor.

Holy cow. Your nasty Swedish breathe killed my friends, Danny cried. Now you're a mass murderer, said Bill. I think he's a serial killer, shouted Keyley.

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Mr. Bopple was turning all shades of purple. He looked stumped. For once,he didn't have an insult to fling at the children. He walked to his desk and grabbed

a cell phone from it.

I'm calling down to Principal's Bob and when he comes up here you are allgoing to be in a hot bother.

Not as much trouble as you, Mr. Bopple, said Pat. You just killed five chil-dren.

I didn't kill anyone, Mr. Bopple shouted back at Pat. Pat promptly fell back-wards out of his seat, letting out a blood curdling howl.

Oh no! You just killed Pat. Your ogre breathe is going to kill us all, yelledMarcy. Let's get out of here!

Marcy hopped out of her desk and made a dash for the door but the secondMr. Bopple opened his mouth to yell at her, she dropped to the floor like a stone.

He killed Marcy! Danny ran to the window. His classmates followed. Help! Help! they shouted out the open windows. Our teacher is a serial kil-

ler. HELP!

Mr. Bopple grabbed his coat and took off out the door. In less than ten sec-onds they saw him running across the schoolyard and into the parking lot. He got

into his car and sped off.

We did it! shouted Danny and the fifth grade erupted into cheers. Theydanced in the aisles and threw their books in the air. Mr. Bopple was gone all

thanks to Bart's clever plan and the fifth grades expert acting skills.

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C H A P T E R 16

The Science FairWearing a pair of huge plastic goggles and a white lab coat, Miss Harding stood in

front of her fourth grade class and cleared her throat to get their attention. The

chatter died down almost instantly, everyone interested in what their teacher was

doing with such a strange outfit on.

Good morning class. Today I'm wearing a scientist outfit because I'm goingto talk to you about the school science fair, Miss Harding said.

Science is for nerds, interjected Pierre, a very naughty little boy. Science is for everyone, Pierre, Miss Harding said as she grabbed a bottle

of Diet Coke and some small white candies from her desk. And science can be

very cool and lots of fun.

Miss Harding dropped the candies into the bottle of Diet Coke and in lessthan a second a foamy white jet of cola came spurting like a geyser out of the bot-

tle.

Everyone was a amazed and Miss Harding was very wet. That was way cool, said Alyssa, a little girl who always knew what was cool. The best part of science is that you get to experiment, said Miss Harding as

she took off her goggles that were dripping with Diet Coke. Everyone in this classwill have an opportunity to do their own science experiment and display the re-

sults to the rest of the school in this year's Science Fair.

I'm going to make a bomb, yelled Clyde who was always blowing things upaccidentally.

Please don't, Clyde, said Miss Harding.52


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I'm going to build a car out of boogers, shouted Carlos who almost alwayshad one of his fingers up his nose.

I'm going to build a love detector so I can find out which boys have a crushon me, said Alyssa to the approval of the other girls in the class.

I'm going to make X-Ray glasses so I can see what kind of underwear every-one has on, exclaimed Pierre.

I don't wear underwear, said Marcos without thinking. Everyone laughed. Well I'm so glad to see that my little experiment has gotten you all excited

about science and I just can't wait to see what experiments you come up with on

your own, said Miss Harding who was very satisfied with herself.

All week long the fourth graders worked tirelessly to finish their science fairprojects. Each child was very secretive about his or her project because Principal

Bob had promised that whoever had the most original project would win a grand

prize. No one wanted someone else to copy their experiment, so to Miss Harding's

pleasure, her classroom was quieter than the library for an entire week.

Then came the night of the Science Fair. All the children from Jonas Elemen-

tary gathered with their parents in the auditorium, their projects hidden under

large white blankets. Principal Bob, Mr. Fatapano, and Miss Harding were going

to be the judges.

First up was Violet's project. She had built a spaceship out of cardboardboxes and claimed that she could fly it to the moon and back. Everyone watched

and waited as she put on her spacesuit which was really a jacket covered in tin foil.

She got into her cardboard box spacecraft and started the liftoff countdown.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5... she said and soon the entire school was counting with her.4, 3, 2, 1...

Nothing happened. Violet's mom clapped. Somebody booed. Congratula-tions Violet, you just won last place, said a very grumpy Mr. Fatapano as he

pinned a last place ribbon on her tin foil jacket.

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Next up was Marcos. He pulled the white sheet off a small volcano made ofclay. Around the volcano he had built a tiny village made from Lego's.

I will now recreate the volcanic eruption of Mount St. Helens which killed57 people when it exploded in 1980, Marcos shouted so that everyone could hear.

Then he pressed a small red button and a brown, sweet smelling substanceerupted from the volcano and poured down it's sides, covering the Lego village.

What is this brown substance young man? asked Mr. Fatapano as he put hisnose very close to the volcano and it's sweet, gooey substance. It doesn't look like

lava to me.

My dad said real lava was too dangerous so I used caramel, answered Mar-cos.

Mr. Fatapano started licking the caramel and in a second he was gobblinghandfuls of it until there was none left. I declare this project as the third place

winner, he announced, his mouth and nose covered in sticky caramel.

After that it was Carlos' turn. His project was so big that it took six people topull off the huge white blanket that covered it.

No one knew what to make of the yellow-brown car sitting in the corner ofthe school. It looked realistic and disgusting at the same time.

Carlos, what is this car made out of ? asked Principal Bob. My boogers, Carlos said as he picked a booger out of his nose and added it

to the windshield.

Amazing. I think this project deserves 2nd place, announced Principal Bob.

Carlos was disappointed he didn't win the grand prize but he happily ac-cepted the 2nd place ribbon Miss Harding pinned on his shirt.

The three judges made their way over to Alyssa's table where many of thefourth grade girls had gathered.

And what will you be showing us, Alyssa? asked Miss Harding.

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Alyssa pulled the sheet off a small handheld device that looked like a pink cell-phone with a big antenna attached to the top. It's a love detector and it really

works. All you have to do is hold it, point the antenna at someone and if the

screen lights up, that means they like you

Principal Bob grabbed the device from Alyssa and examined it carefully. I hate to say this Alyssa, but this just looks like a pink cellphone with an an-tenna attached to it.

Without thinking, Principal Bob pointed the antenna at Miss Harding and im-mediately the screen lit up, a big red heart displaying on the screen. Both Miss

Harding and Principal Bob's faces blushed a bright red.

Well, I guess I spoke to soon. First place goes to Alyssa and her love detec-tor, announced Principal Bob. Alyssa smiled graciously as Miss Harding put the

first place ribbon on her.

Last up was Pierre. Pierre had never won a grand prize in anything so hedidn't really think he had any chance of winning.

Okay Pierre, let's see this project of yours, said Principal Bob.

Pierre lifted the sheet off a pair of glasses that looked like they came from thefuture. They were metallic and sleek and shiny and the lenses were a flaming hot

red.

These are X-ray glasses. That means you can see right through someone'sclothes and check out their underwear, said Pierre proudly. All the boys in the

gym started clapping. Even Principal Bob looked excited. He went to grab the

glasses but Miss Harding snatched them first.

She put them on and instantly saw everyone in only their underwear, exceptfor Marcos who didn't wear underwear.

This is amazing Pierre, she proclaimed. I can see everyone's underwear. Let me try, said Principal Bob but before he could grab the glasses from

Miss Harding she used the X-ray glasses on him.

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Wow Principal Bob, she said with a smile. You wear rubber ducky box-ers! Principal Bob's face turned a crimson shade of red as all of the students

laughed hysterically.

I like rubber ducks, muttered Principal Bob under his breathe. Well, I think we've found our grand prize winner everyone, said Miss

Harding with a big grin. Pierre's smile was just as big. He couldn't believe he had

won. Mr. Fatapano was about to pin the grand prize ribbon on him, when a loud

bang erupted on the other side of the auditorium. Everyone turned to look just in

time to see Violet's cardboard spaceship blasting through the roof of the audito-

rium on its way to the moon.

I can't believe it. It actually worked, said a stunned Mr. Fatapano. Everyonemoved closer to get a good look at the huge whole in the ceiling that Violet's space-

craft had made. You could see straight up into outer space. If you looked carefully

you could see a small black dot against the large white full moon. Slowly, the dot

grew bigger and bigger and bigger until...

Watch out, she's coming in for a landing, someone shouted. The crowdjumped back just as Violet's rocket ship crashed back through the ceiling and crum-

pled in a heap on the floor. Violet jumped out of the smashed cardboard boxesholding a large gray rock.

It's a moon rock! she yelled. Everyone started to cheer. Mr. Fatapano tookthe last place ribbon off her tin foil jacket and pinned the grand prize ribbon to

huge applause from the audience. Violet's mom was so happy she was crying.

Then Principal Bob announced that the grand prize was a chance to drive his

Mean Green Machine around the block which now didn't seem quite as exciting

as flying to the moon and back in a cardboard spaceship. Everyone left the Science Fair happy and amazed, everyone except Pierrethat is. He was fuming mad.

Just wait and see. I'll have my revenge, he said to no on in particular.

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C H A P T E R 17

A Nasty Smell

I don't feel so good, said Alyssa. She was sitting at her desk eating a ham andcheese sandwich and her face was green instead of her normal color.

Something smells really nasty, exclaimed Pierre whose face was looking pur-ple.

Miss Harding looked around the room and noticed that most of students look

green or purple or blue, except Violet who looked violet but that was just because

she had a bad sunburn.

Why does everyone look like they're about to vomit? Miss Harding asked asshe backed herself far away from all the children in the corner of the room.

Carlos raised his hand. Yes, Carlos? said Miss Harding. Someone's lunch really stinks, Miss Harding, said Carlos whose face was

half purple and half green.

What does it smell like? asked Miss Harding who happened to have a verybad cold and could not smell anything.

It smells like a zombie's brains, shouted someone from the back of theroom.

I think it smells like the bathroom after my dad uses it, said Alyssa. It smells like troll boogers, said Pierre.

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It smells like tuna fish, said Clyde as he took another big bite of his tunafish sandwich.

Eeeeewww...gross, said the whole class at the exact same time. Now every-one knows that tuna fish is just about the worst smelling food in the world. No one

will admit it but several small wars have been abruptly stopped when one side usedthe horrific smell of tuna fish on the other. The terrible smell is also to blame for

several plane crashes in which the flight attendants served tuna fish by accident.

Now class, tuna fish may smell disgusting but its actually very healthy foryou, said Miss Harding who was pinching her nose closed even though she

couldn't smell anything.

And it's really yummy, said Clyde who took another bite of his tuna sand-wich and then put the rest of it on his head. It tastes so good I would want to

wear it like a hat.

That was the final straw. Smelling tuna fish is one thing and it can have somevery bad consequences, but seeing someone wear it on their head like a hat and

smelling it at the same time is absolutely disastrous.

Pierre was the first person to throw up. It went all over Violet's hair becauseshe sat in front of Pierre. When Alyssa saw that happen she threw up and thenCarlos, Peter, and Janice threw up simultaneously. In a few seconds the whole class

was throwing up on their desks, in the aisles, and on each other. Miss Harding

threw up in the wastepaper basket at the front of the room and the pigeon sitting

on the window ledge outside the room threw up to.

The throw up from the pigeon landed on the head of Amanda, a loudmouthed third grader who was standing outside in the school yard. When her

classmates saw the throw up from the pigeon on her head they started throwing up

too.

An old lady named Florence Baskerville was walking past the Jonas Elemen-tary school yard when she saw all the third graders throwing up. She immediately

felt sick to her stomach and started to vomit all over her shoes. A guy named

Vince who was driving a delivery truck saw that and he threw up. In a few minutes

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half the city was puking and it quickly spread across the whole United States.

Even the President threw up. It was the largest chain throw up recorded in history.

Miss Henderson, the lunch lady, was the only person who didn't throw up.She just smiled. After all, she was the one who made the tuna fish sandwich for

Clyde. Now she had something new to brag about.

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C H A P T E R 18

Miss Henderson andthe Guinness Book ofWorld Records

Miss Henderson had worked at Jonas Elementary longer than anyone else. Infact she had been serving lunch there so long that she remembers when Principal

Bob was just a student at the school. So when Miss Henderson paid a rare visit to

Principal Bob's office and told him the school was going to attempt to break a

Guinness Book World Record, Principal Bob couldn't say no, even though he

really wanted to.

It all started on a Thursday evening. Miss Henderson arrived home after along day of serving her famously awful tuna fish sandwiches. After feeding her thir-teen cats she plopped herself down on the couch to watch some TV. That's when

she saw it: a news story about a school in Vermont that broke a Guinness Book

World Record for baking the largest chocolate chip cookie ever. The cookie had a

diameter of eight feet , weighed over 2000 pounds, and had over 50,000 chocolate

chips. It took twenty chefs to bake the cookie and Miss Henderson was impressed.

But of course, being the type of person she was, Miss Henderson was sure she

could do better. That's when she had her idea.

The following Monday loads of ingredients started pouring into the school onhuge trucks that parked in the school playground. The children were not only un-

happy because they now had no place to play at lunch time, but they were con-

fused as well. Why were large, sweaty men bringing in barrels of black pepper,

tubs of mayonnaise, mounds of lettuce, and hundreds of four foot long pickles.

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Then on Tuesday morning, Principal Bob made an announcement over thePublic Address System.

Your attention boys and girls. This is Principal Bob speaking and I have avery important announcement that you all need to hear.

The very respectful students of Jonas Elementary stopped whatever it wasthey were doing at that moment and gave their full attention to the little square

speaker boxes in the front of their classrooms.

Tomorrow, the entire school will be taking part in a very exciting event. Anofficial from the Guinness Book of World Records will be here at our school to

watch as we attempt to break the record for the world's longest sandwich. Cheers

went up around the school as this was very exciting news indeed.

Miss Henderson will be in charge of this ambitious record setting attemptand she assures me that she has a job for each and everyone of you in the building

of this enormous sandwich. Principal Bob announced as more cheers erupted

from the student body.

One last thing boys and girls I expect you all to be on your best behaviorand please dress down tomorrow. If I were you, I would expect to get a little

messy, Principal Bob concluded to more cheers and jubilation from the students.

The next day the students could

jonas elementary

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