1

AfreetranslationandadaptationofTirsodeMolina’sLacelosadesímisma(circa1619)by

JOSÉMARÍARUANODELAHAZA

DRAMATISPERSONAE

MELCHOR,animpoverishedgentlemanfromLeón

VENTURA,hisservant

MAGDALENA,hisintendedwife

ALONSO,herfather,recentlyarrivedfromtheIndies

QUIÑONES,herservant

JERÓNIMO,herbrother

SEBASTIÁN,herneighbour,agentlemanfromSeville

ÁNGELA,Sebastián’ssister

LUIS,Melchor’scousinandJerónimo’sfriend

SANTILLANA,ahiredfootman

NOTE.There’snoneedforscenery.Thedifferentlocationscanbesuggestedbythedialogueandbystagelighting.Ontheotherhand,costumes,especiallywomen’s,areoftheessenceinthisplay.Theall-importanthoodedcloaksmaybereplacedbyveils,buteitherway,theaudienceshouldbeabletoseethewomen’sfacesclearly,whiletheysupposedlyremainconcealedfortheothercharactersonstage.Suggestions:

2

DAYONESCENEONE

EnterMelchorandVentura,hisservant.

MELCHOR.Well,Ventura,we’vefinallyarrivedinMadrid!Andwhatanexcitingplaceitis!

VENTURA.Yes,sure.Butwatchout!Anhonestpersonhereisonlysomeonewhohasn’tyetfound

anopportunitytosteal.NothingiswhatitseemsinMadrid.Well-dressedgentlementurn

outtobecrooks.Andwithabitofmakeupandtherightclotheshookerstransform

themselvesintoladies.

MELCHOR.Ican’tabideyourcynicism,Ventura.AndI’mnotinthemoodtolistentoyourwords

ofwisdom.

VENTURA.Iwarnyou.Youarelikeababeinthewoods,easypickingsforthewolvesthatprowl

thesealleyways.

MELCHOR.WhyshouldIfearthem?IhavenomoneyandI’vecometomarryseventythousand

ducatsperyear.Myfutureisassured.

VENTURE.Thetwohundredducatsinthatpurse—whichisallthat’sleftofyourinheritance—

willbeenoughtotemptmorethanoneoftheselovelybirdsofpreythathoveroverthese

streets.

MELCHOR.Stopit.I’mnotasnaïveasyouthink.

VENTURE.Aren’tyou?Ibetyouanythingyouhavethat,beforeyoumeetyourfuturefather-in-

law,you’llbecaughtinthelacenetcastbyoneofthesefemalepiscators.

MELCHOR.Enough!WhatwemustdonowisenterthischurchandgiveGodthanksforbringing

usheresafeandsoundafterourperilousjourney.Let’sgoinandthenhurrytomy

betrothed’shouse.Ilongtoseeifshe’sasbeautifulastheysay.

VENTURA.Awomanwithadowryofsixhundredthousandsducatswillneverbeconsidered

ugly.

MELCHOR.Ventura,I’vealreadytoldyouthat,eventhoughmoneyisobviouslyimportanttome,I

won’tmarryawomanjustbecauseshe’swealthy.Shemustalsobebeautifulaswellas

virtuous.

3

VENTURA.Moneycanbuybothbeautyandvirtuebythesackful.

MELCHOR.Suchlowlythoughtsareunworthyofmybeloved.

ExeuntMelchorandVenturatalking.

EnterJerónimoandSebastián.

JERÓNIMO.We’reneighbours;it’sonlyrightthatweshouldalsobecomefriends.

SEBASTIÁN.Thatruledoesn’tapplyinMadrid,donJerónimo.Iknowpeoplewhohavelivedhere

foryearsandarehardlyacquaintedwiththefamilieslivingnextdoor.But,tellme,ifImay

besoboldastoask,whatbroughtyoutoMadrid?

JERÓNIMO.Myfather.HemadehisfortuneinPerúand,now,tiredofbusinessandwork,has

returnedhomewithhisfamily...andwiththeideaofmarryingoffmysister.He’salready

foundherahusband:adistantrelativefromtheprovinces,whosearrivalwe’reexpectingat

anymoment.Myfatherdoesn’ttrustMadrilenianmen,yousee.Hethinkstheyallare

profligatesandcrooks.

SEBASTIÁN.He’snotfaroffthemark.Yourfatherisaprudentman.

JERÓNIMO.Andyou,donSebastián?WhatbringsyoutoCourt?

SEBASTIÁN.I’mseekingadmissiontooneoftheMilitaryOrdersandaknighthoodandI’mhalf-

waythroughtheprocess.

JERÓNIMO.Howlonghaveyoubeenatit?

SEBASTIÁN.Oh,aboutthreeyears.

JERÓNIMO.Isyourwifewithyou?

SEBASTIÁN.I’mnotmarried,donJerónimo.Ilivewithmysister,whojoinedmeaboutayearago.

JERÓNIMO.Wherefrom?

SEBASTIÁN.Seville.

JERÓNIMO.I’dlovetomakeheracquaintance.

SEBASTIÁN.Youshall.She’sledaveryshelteredlife,youknow.Shewasraisedbynunsina

convent.That’swhereIsentheraftertheuntimelydeathofourparents.

JERÓNIMO.There’snobetterplacetoraiseayounggirlthesedays.

SEBASTIÁN.I’mnososure.Shesurecamebackwithsomepeculiarideas.

JERÓNIMO.Likewhat?

4

SEBASTIÁN.Well,shetoldmetheotherdaythatshecouldn’tpossiblybedescendedfromAdam,

becauseshecouldn’thaveanancestorwhodaredtowalknakedinfrontofhisownwife!

JERÓNIMO.That’spriceless!Shemustbecharming.

SEBASTIÁN.Aswe’reneighbours,you’llhaveplentyofoccasionstowitnessherlittle

idiosyncrasies.ButImustwarnyouthatshenowsaysshewantsverymuchtoenterthe

marriedstate.

JERÓNIMO.Isthatso?

SEBASTIÁN.Yes,butfirst,I’llhavetodrivesomeofthoseideasshelearntfromthenunsoutof

herhead,don’tyouthink?

ExeuntJerónimoandSebastiántalking.

EnterMelchorandthenVentura.

MELCHOR.(ingreatexcitement)Ventura!Whereareyou?

VENTURA.Here,sir.Rightbehindyou.

MELCHOR.Wherewereyouhiding?

VENTURA.Whileyouweresayingyourprayers,Isatonapew,neartheentrance,nexttoalady’s

maidwhowinkedatme.

MELCHOR.Ah,Ventura!I’minsuchastate!

VENTURA.Astateofholiness?

MELCHOR.Holiness?Yes!But,notdivine!Ratherhuman,Ventura,humanholiness!I’venever

seensuchdivinebeauty!

VENTURA.WasIrightorwasIright?Ileaveyoualonefortwominutesandyouswallowhook,

lineandsinker!Didshewinkatyoutoo?Didsheletyoucatchaglimpseofherankle?Did

sheletherveilfallbacktoletyouadmirehercurls?Didshewaveherhand?

MELCHOR.Stopthere,Ventura!Stoprightthere!Itwasnothereyes,herhair,herface,herankle,

forIsawnoneofthose,itwas...herhand,Ventura!

VENTURA.Herhand!

MELCHOR.Andwhatahanditwas!Sobeautiful,sorefined,soperfect!HowcanIdescribetoyou

itslittledimples,itslongandelegantveins,itsgorgeousfingers,allfiveofthem!

VENTURA.HowcanIdescribetoyouherclaws,herhooks,hertentacles,hergraspingfingers,all

fiveofthem!Didyounotseeherface?

5

MELCHOR.No.

VENTURA.I’msureshehiditforareason!

MELCHOR.HowcouldIseeherface,Ventura,whenmyeyeswereentrancedbythe

contemplationofthatlivingdove,thatanimatedcrystal,thathand!

VENTURA.Howcouldyoufallinlovewithherhand,withouthavingseenevenabitofherchin,or

atleastoneeye,orthetipofhernose,orthecurlofhereyebrow?

MELCHOR.Ahandsuchashers,Ventura,issheerperfection.Itspeakseloquentlythroughher

fiveslendertongues.Itsdiaphanoussoulwouldinflameevenablockofmarble!Isatright

behindit,andsoonitsheditsskinofsubtlyembroideredlacetorevealtomeaworldof

jasminesandmusk-roses.Myeyesbeheldalabaster,diamonds,snowwrappedinfire!But

then,thenshemadethesignofthecross,andthehanddisappeared,orshouldIsay,thesun

set,plungingmeindarkness,until...momentslateritroseagainbathingmeinagolden

light.But,alas!,myjoywasshort-lived,foritsowner,havingendedherprayers,cruelly

imprisoneditoncemoreinitsjailoffinespunlace,deprivingmeofthelightofmylife,ofmy

heart’sdesire,ofmy...

VENTURA.Youfellforit!Iknewit!Shewasplayinghide-and-seekwithherhandandyoufellfor

it!

MELCHOR.Butlisten.There’smore.

VENTURA.More?

MELCHOR.Yes!Therewasaman...agentleman,orsoheseemed,welldressed,distinguished-

looking.Hewasstandingnexttoher...

VENTURA.And?

MELCHOR.And...withoutherrealizingit...inafractionofasecond...fastaslightning...he

cutthestringsofherpurse!

VENTURA.Didn’tItellyou?NothingandnobodyiswhatitseemsinMadrid.

MELCHOR.Butbeforehecouldgetaway,Igrabbedholdofhisarm.Notwishingtocreatea

commotioninchurch,Iwhisperedinhisearthatwhathewasdoingwasunworthyofa

gentleman.Heblushedtotherootsofhishair;andI,assumingthathewasthievingmore

outofnecessitythandepravity,seizedthepurse,tooktwoescudosoutofmyownpocket,

gavethemtohim,andlethimgo.

VENTURA.Andyoukeptthepurse?

6

MELCHOR.Hereitis.AndI’mwaitingforitsownertocomeoutinordertodeposititonthat

heavenlyhandofhers.AndthenI’llcatchonemoreglimpseofthatparadigmof

exquisiteness,thatcynosureofmyeyes,thatquintessenceofperfection,thatapotheosisof

elongatedphalanges,ofdomicalknuckles,ofsubtlysynoviallinings,ofvolarplatesand

divinemetacarpals!Obeautifulhandthatclutchesmyheart!

VENTURA.Well,slapmewithamouldyturnip!You’vefalleninlovewithanappendage,witha

protuberance,withanappurtenance!Whatiftheownerofthishandturnsouttobeaone-

eyedfemalePoliphemus,orasuglyasoneofmybunions?Whatwillyoudothen?

MELCHOR.Whatafool!WiseMotherNaturecouldnotpossiblyallowsuchlackofproportion!It

wouldbeinconceivableforsuchahandtobelongtoanyonebutagoddess,tothenymph

Danae,toapeerlessbeauty,nobleandrare!

VENTURA.Afriendofmineoncesawinthestreetamostsplendidfemalebackside.Wishingto

findoutwhocouldbetheownerofsuchsuperbbuttocks,heovertookheronlytodiscover

thatshewasold,aswrinkledasaripecabbageanduglyassin.Whocould’veimagined,he

toldher,thatsuchadivinefoundationcouldsupportsuchahellishfaçade?Towhichshe

replied:Friend,ifyoudon’tlikemyface,you’rewelcometokissmyass!

MELCHOR.Hadyouseenmylady’shand,youwouldn’tmakesuchblasphemousanalogies.But

she’sapproaching!Stepasideandpreparetopayobeisancetothatnonpareilextremity!

EnterMagdalenaandQuiñones,hermaidservant,theirfacescoveredbyhoodedcloaks.

MELCHOR.Mylady.MayIbesoboldastospeakwithyou?

MAGDALENA.Sir!I’mnotinthehabitofspeakingwithstrangers.

MELCHOR.Mylady,drawbackthosedarkdrapes,letthesunshineonusmeremortals,don’t

leavemeinthisvaleofdarkness.

VENTURA.(toQuiñones)Woman,Icanseeyourneck.That’senough.Please,don’tshowmeyour

face!

QUIÑONES.(Slapshimintheface)Getawayfromme!

MAGDALENA.Sir,ifyouwishtoimpressmewithyourflatteries,consideritdone;butI’llletyou

knowthatthisisneitherthetimenorplacetodisplayyourwit.Farewell.

MELCHOR.Imustperforcefollowyou,ifyouleavemethus.

MAGDALENA.Ifyoudo,you’llloseanycredityou’vegainedwithme.

7

MELCHOR.Youmisunderstandme,mylady.ImustperforcefollowyoubecauseIwishtoreturn

whatacertaincutpursestolefromyou.Seewhat’smissingandI’llrestoreittoyou.Then

youcandepriveme,ifyoumust,ofyourlovelysight.

MAGDALENA.(looksatthecordshangingloosefromherbelt)Iamindeedmissingasmallpurse,

butit’sofnoimportance.

MELCHOR.Itistome,sinceitbelongstoyou.Couldthisbeit?(Givesherhisownpurse).

MAGDALENA.That’snotmypurse.

MELCHOR.Itcouldbethatthethief,skilfulashewas,cutseveralpurses.You’rewellwithinyour

rightstotakeonefortheother.

MAGDALENA.Thethiefseemstohavedeceivedbothofus.Thestringsofmypursewerecut

(showshimtheloosestrings)butthesearenot.Icannotacceptit.Ifyou’reunabletofindits

ownerIsuggestyoutakeittothenearestlost-and-found.AndnowImustleaveyou,for

thereareinquisitiveeyeswatchingus,aswespeak.

MELCHOR.I’llnotbefoundinpossessionofstolengoods.Butyou’llbebeyondsuspicionin

anybody’seyes.Whydon’tyoukeepituntilitsownershowsup?

MAGDALENA.Sir,I’mbecomingwearyofyourpersistence.I’llkeepitifyouletmego.Here,give

ittomymaid.

VENTURA.(aside)Wecannowkissourpursegoodbye!

MAGDALENA.Andifyoufindthepersonwholostit,youcantellhimthatI’llreturnittohim

tomorrowatthistimeandinthisplace.Andnow,Ibegofyoutoletmego.And,please,do

notfollowme.

MELCHOR.Yourwishismycommand.ButIcannotseeyougowithouttheglimmerofahopeof

seeingyouagainatleastonemoretime.MayIaccompanythepurse’sownertomorrow,

shouldIfindhim?

MAGDALENA.Youmay.I’llbehereattwoo’clock.

MELCHOR.HowwillIrecognizeyou?

MAGDALENA.(takesoffoneglove)Bymyhand.

MELCHOR.Owondrousdawn!

ExeuntMagdalenaandQuiñones.

8

MELCHOR.Ah,Ventura!Topurchaseheaven’sfiveclimes,thesnowyMilkyWay,thesuninthe

skyforafewgoldcoins,isn’tthattrulyabargain?

VENTURA.No.Itisn’t.Andyou’llregretit.You’vejustpaidtwohundredducatsforaglimpseofa

hand.Bymycalculationsthatworksoutatfortyducatsperfinger.Andthisonlytosee,

withouttherighttotouch.I’dliketoknowhowwe’regoingtomanagenow.Herewearein

themiddleoftheafternoon,hungryandwithoutapenny!

MELCHOR.Stopmoaning!DoyouforgetthatIhaveawifewithseventythousandducatsperyear

waitingforme?

VENTURA.Butwhatifherfather’sdead?Whatifyourbridehaselopedwithanothermaninthe

meantime?Whatifshefindsyouuglyandsendsyoupacking,whichshecoulddo,forshe’sa

womanafterall?

MELCHOR.Me,ugly?

VENTURA.Aren’tyoupoor?Apollohimselfwouldbeconsidereduglyifhedidn’thaveapenny.

MELCHOR.Doyoureallythinkthatawealthywomanwouldconsidermerichorpoorjust

becauseIhaveordonothavetwohundredducats?Comeon,Ventura!

VENTURA.Atleast,shewouldn’tseeyouasapauper,whichiswhatyoulooklikerightnow.With

thatmoneyyoucould’veboughtsomedecentglovesandanewshirttodisguiseyourtrue

state.Asitis,she’llsmellyourpenuryamileoff.

MELCHOR.Youforget,Ventura,thatI’vekeptherpurse.WhichIprizemorethanalltherichesof

Ophir.

VENTURA.I’msureitholdsnomorethanacoupleofcoppercoins.

MELCHOR.Wouldthegentlemanthiefhavebeeninterestedinstealingit,ifthatwerethecase?

VENTURA.Well,let’stakealookatitthen.

MELCHOR.Hereitis.

VENTURA.I’llbeblowed!That’saheavilypregnantpurse.Letmeholdit.

MELCHOR.Here.Loaded,isn’tit?

VENTURA.Youbet!Letmeseehowrichweare.

MELCHOR.What’sthat?

VENTURA.Somethingwrappedinpaper.I’llseewhat’sinside.

MELCHOR.I’msureitwillbearareandpreciousstone.Perhapsajewelencrustedwithdiamonds

andemeralds.That’swhyit’ssoheavy.

9

VENTURA.(unwrapsthepaper).Astone!Aplainstonewitharibbonaroundit.Thispursewasn’t

pregnant.It’sakidneypassingastone!

MELCHOR.There’ssomethingwrittenonthepaper.Letmesee.(Reads)“Thisstoneisgoodto

easelowerbackpain”.

VENTURA.That’sanoldperson’sailment.JustasIsuspected,she’sasoldasthehills.

MELCHOR.Isthereanythingelse?

VENTURA.Yes.

MELCHOR.Bringitout.

VENTURA.Here’sathimble,andathreadwinder,andacheapring.That’syourbargain!Yougave

herourlasttwohundredducats,butatleastwecannowthreadaneedle,ifwehadone,and

cureourbackachewhilelookingatourstupidmugsinthisglassring!

MELCHOR.Youmaycomplain,Ventura.ButI’mthehappiestmanintheworld,forallthese

objectshavebeentouched,andarethereforeblessedinmyeyes,bythatdivinehandof

hers.

VENTURA.Thievinghand,youmean.

MELCHOR.Aheavenlyhand,whichI’llhaveoccasiontobeholdagaintomorrow.

VENTURA.Idoubtwe’lleverseeherorherhandagain.

MELCHOR.I’mcertainofit,forI’mamanoffaith.

VENTURA.Youreallybelieveshe’llreturnourtwohundredducats?

MELCHOR.Yes.

VENTURA.Idon’tthinkshe’sthatstupid.Let’shopeyourfuturewifeisstillalive,athomeand

withhermindunchanged.

MELCHOR.But,wait,Ventura.

VENTURA.Whatnow?

MELCHOR.HowcanIpossiblymarryanotherwomanafterhavingfalleninlovewiththat

heavenlyhand?

VENTURA.Bythinkingofyourfuturehereonearth,that’show.

MELCHOR.HowcanIbetraysuchanangelichand?

VENTURA.Angelicanddressedinblackandwithsharpnails?That’sthehandofadevil.

MELCHOR.It’sratheraveiledsun.

VENTURA.Asunwithclaws.

10

EnterLuisandJerónimo.

LUIS.Butisn’tthisMelchor?

MELCHOR.Cousin!FancyyoubeingthefirstpersonImeetinMadrid.

LUIS.I’vebeenexpectingyourarrivalfortwodays.Didn’tyourlettersayyou’dbeherebythe

beginningofthemonth?

MELCHOR.Blamemydelayonthefoulweatherwehadduringthejourney.Itrainedeveryother

dayandtheroadswereimpassable.

LUIS.Melchor,beforeyousayanotherword,letmeintroduceyoutoyourfuturebrother-in-law,

donJerónimo.

JERÓNIMO.WelcometoMadrid,donMelchor.We’reallathomelookingforwardtoyourvisit.

MELCHOR.Iwasonmywaythere.Tryingnottogetlostinthismazeofstreetsandhouses.

JERÓNIMO.Then,ifyou’llallowme,I’llrunaheadandwarnmysisterofyourimpendingarrival.

Asyouknow,womendon’tliketobecaughtunawares.

MELCHOR.Yes,you’reright.

JERÓNIMO.WouldyoumindstayinghereforawhilewithdonLuis,untilIreturnwithmyfather?

I’msurehe’dlovetoaccompanyyou,asit’sonlyproper,toourhouse.Unless,ofcourse,

you’dpreferustowaitforyouthere.

MELCHOR.Whateverismostconvenientforyouandyourfather,donJerónimo.

LUIS.IfImaymakeasuggestion,I’lltakemycousintoyourhouseinalittlewhile.Thatwillgive

usthechancetotalkandcatchupwithournews.

JERÓNIMO.Sobeit.That’llprobablybebest.Ibettergetalongthen.I’llseeyoubothsoon.

ExitJerónimo.

LUIS.Well,Melchor.WhatnewsfromLeón?

MELCHOR.Notmuch.Everyone’swellandsendyoutheirkindestregardsandbestwishes.And

whataboutyou?Didyouresolvethatlegalmattertoyoursatisfaction?

LUIS.Ididindeed.AndIgotmyinheritance,aswasmyrightasthefirstborn.

MELCHOR.Congratulations!

LUIS.Andyou,Ventura?How’slifetreatingyou?

11

VENTURA.Verybadly.I’mmadashellatthatnever-endingplainwehadtocross,atthose

mountainpasseswehadtoclimb,atthosedisgustinginnswehadtostayin,andespecially

atacertainthievinghandthat’sevennowcountingourducats.

MELCHOR.Willyoustopbitching?

LUIS.Andyou,Melchor?Areyouverymuchinlovewithyourintendedwife?

MELCHOR.HowcanI,Luis?Idon’tknowwhythegodofloveisdepictedwearingablindfold.As

farasIamconcerned,lovecannothappenunseen.

LUIS.She’sveryattractive,youknow?

MELCHOR.Thatmayverywellbe,butthere’snoguaranteethatI’llfindherintheleastdesirable.

LUIS.Well,then.I’veaconfessiontomake.

MELCHOR.Aconfession,cousin?

LUIS.Yes.Iwishtotellyou,andpleasedon’ttakeitthewrongway,thatseeingyouinMadrid

painsmedreadfully.

MELCHOR.How?Why,inGod’sname?

LUIS.Melchor,you’repoorandyourintendedhasarentofseventythousandducatsperyear.I

amwealthy,incrediblywealthy,nowthatI’vegotmyinheritance,andalsoyourrelative,

andyourfriend...But...But...I’llsayit!Ishan’tbecomeyourcompetitor.

MELCHOR.Mywhat?Idon’tunderstand.Luis,please,speakplainly.

LUIS.BeautifulMagdalenaandherconsiderablefortunewillbeyourssoon.AndI...Iwould’ve

consideredmyselfthehappiestmanaliveifI’dbeenallowedtoloveher.ButIamnot,

althoughIworshipthegroundshetreadson.AndIcan’t...becauseofyou.So,let’snot

dwellonthisanymore.Let’sforgetit.Ineversaidit.There!Letmetakeyoutoherhouse.

Shelovesyou.Shelovesmenot.Iadoreher.Butshe’llmarryyou.There!Solution?Imust

yankheroutofmyheart,evenifIbleedtodeath!

MELCHOR.ButLuis,waitasecond.AsIjustsaid,I’veneverseteyesonMagdalenaandIcan

hardlybeexpectedtofeelanythingforher.Ifyouloveher,thenspeaktoherfather.With

myblessing.IassureyouthatIwon’tstandinyourway.Hermoneyisnotgoingtomakeme

loveormarryher.

LUIS.But,Melchor.HowcanIspeaktoherfather?Idon’tevenknowifshehasanyfeelings

towardsme.Andshehasn’ttheslightestideathatIworshipher,thatI’ddieforasmilefrom

her.Ionlymetheronce,yousee,andthat’swhenInegotiatedwithherfatheronyour

behalf.AndallIdidthenwasshowerpraisesonyou.Shehardlypaidanyattentiontome.

12

So,losenosleepoverthis.ForgetIsaidanything.I’llnotdreamofstandingbetweenyou

andherorofseparatingyoufromherfortune.Iwon’t!There!

MELCHOR.AndI’llnotdreamofstandingbetweenyouandyourloveeither.Look,your

Magdalenahasneverseenme.Shemay,inherimagination,havecreatedanidealimageof

me,whichmayverywellnotcorrespondwithreality.HowcanIknowthatshewon’tbe

disappointed?Thatshewon’thatemeatfirstsight?Please,cousin,don’tgiveupyourlove

onmyaccount.Believeme.You’rewelcometoher.

LUIS.Don’traisemyhopes,Melchor.Please,don’t!

MELCHOR.Whynot?Especiallysince...

LUIS.Sincewhat?

MELCHOR.Luis,thetruthisthatitwouldn’tsurprisemeintheleastif,whenImeether...I’m...

unabletocontainmyindifference!

LUIS.Unabletocontainyourindifference?Why?

MELCHOR.Because...Ihaveacertaincelestialhandindeliblyetchedonmymind.

LUIS.Ahand!

MELCHOR.That’sright.Ahandthat’srenderedmeblindtoanyotherbeauty.

LUIS.Don’tspeakinriddles,Melchor.Ahand?Whosehand?Youmusttellmeallaboutitaswe

walktoMagdalena’shouse.

MELCHOR.Well,Iwentintothischurchandsatbehind...

SCENETWO

EnterMagdalenaandQuiñones,withadressinherhands.

MAGDALENA.SodonMelchor’sabouttoarrive?

QUIÑONES.That’swhatyourbrothersays.

MAGDALENA.Ineedtochangemydress,then.

QUIÑONES.Why?

13

MAGDALENA.Quiñones,Iassociatethisdresswiththehandsomestrangerwesawinthechurch

atLaVitoria.Bysheddingit,Ihopetodiscardtheunsettlingthoughtsthathelodgedinmy

mind.

QUIÑONES.Andchangingyourdresswilldothat?

MAGDALENA.Itwould.

QUIÑONES.Whatever!

MAGDALENA.Here,helpmeputonthisdress.Handmethatmirror.Makesuretheskirthangs

right.Andmyhair?Isitallrightattheback?

QUIÑONES.Everything’sperfectandyoulookfine.

MAGDALENA.AhQuiñones,Idreadthisvisit.Iwashopingtohavesomefunwithmyadorable

andadoringstrangerbeforebeingmarriedofftothis...donMelchor.It’soutrageousthat

wewomenhavetobesubjectedtothewillofourfathers.

QUIÑONES.Letmepinchthatcheek.Itlooksabitpale.

MAGDALENA.Unseen,mustIlovethemanmyfather’schosenforme?It’sperverse.

QUIÑONES.Thestrangerwasafinespecimen.

MAGDALENA.Morethanfine.Hewashandsome,andbold,anddaring.Ah,ifonlydonMelchor

turnedouttobehalfthemantheotheroneis!IfonlyIcouldbuyformyfuturehusband

someofthemanylovelytraitsofthatstranger:likehiswit,hismanlyface,hisstrongbuild,

his...

QUIÑONES.Moneycan’tbuytruelove,Ialwayssay.But,youneverknow.DonMelchormayturn

outtobeevenbetterthanyourstranger.

MAGDALENA.Howcanthatbe?Suchvirility!Suchintelligence!Youdorealizethatheconfronted

thethiefandthenswitchedpursesonpurpose,givingmetheonewiththeducats.

QUIÑONES.OfcourseIdo.

MAGDALENA.Thatwonmeover.Notbecauseofthemoney,butbecauseitspokevolumesofhis

gallantry.

QUIÑONES.Butwhat’stheuseoffeelinglikethatwhenyourfuturehusband’sknockingatthe

door?

MAGDALENA.What’stheuse?It’sabeautifulmemoryI’llalwayscherish.That’stheuse.But

who’sthatatthedoor?

QUIÑONES.Yourneighbours.

14

EnterÁngelaandSebastián.

SEBASTIÁN.Mydearlady,allowmetointroducemyself.IamdonSebastiándelaHozyNegredo.

AndthisismysisterÁngela.

MAGDALENA.I’mverypleasedtomeetyou.

SEBASTIÁN.YourbrotherJerónimoandImetthismorningatLaVitoriaandprofessedourgood

willtowardseachother.

MAGDALENA.I’mgladtohearthat.

SEBASTIÁN.So,Ithoughtitonlypropertopaymyrespectstoyouinpersonandtobringmy

sisterwho’llpromiseeternalfriendshiptoyou.

MAGDALENA.Ithankyou.I’mbothhappyandproudtohavesuchgraciousneighbours.I’mvery

gladtomeetyou,Ángela.

ÁNGELA.Yourhumbleservant.Iunderstandthatyou’resoontobemarried.And...andI’dlike

youtoknowthatI’dbedelightedtobeyourbridesmaid,shouldthatpositionstillbevacant,

ofcourse.Isoloveweddings!

MAGDALENA.Ithankyouverymuchforyourgenerousoffer.Butyoucaughtmebysurpriseand

Idon’tquiteknowwhattosayrightnow.

ÁNGELA.Iunderstand.Whowouldn’tbeleftspeechlessbytheprospectofmarriage?Good

heavens!Infrontofapriestandinthepresenceofsomanypeopletosay“Ido!”toaman?

Howforward!

MAGDALENA.Especially,Isuppose,when,asismycase,thewomandoesn’tevenknowwhather

husbandlookslike.

ÁNGELA.O,Icouldn’tpossiblymarrysomeoneIhadn’tseen!Whatifheturnedouttobeasugly

asadevil!

SEBASTIÁN.Uglinessisonlyskindeep,Ángela.Andproperladiesobeythewishesoftheir

guardians,justasMagdalena’sdoing.

ÁNGELA.Well,Iwon’t.I’llmarryonlyforlove.I’msopassionate!Andvirtuoustoo!Icouldn’t

marryamanwhowasn’tpureandexemplary.Andhehastobehandsometoo.Ipray

everydaytoSaintAnthonytofindmetherightman.

EnterAlonso,Jerónimo,Luis,MelchorandVentura.

15

ALONSO.Mydeardaughter,letmeintroduceyourintendedhusbandtoyou.Asyoucan

appreciate,you’realuckygirl,thankstomygoodjudgmentinchoosingdonMelchorfor

you.

MAGDALENA.(asidetoQuiñones)Quiñones,isn’thethestrangerwhostolemywill?

MELCHOR(asidetoVentura)JustasIfeared,Ventura,comparedtotheownerofthatdivinehand

myintendedlooksveryplainindeed.

VENTURA.(asidetoMelchor)Areyousure?Lookatherhand.Icouldswearit’sthesameonethat

graspedourpurse.

MELCHOR.Areyoudrunk?Don’tblaspheme!

VENTURA.HowcanIforgetthehandthattookourprideandjoy?Itellyouit’sthesameone!

MELCHOR.You’reinsane.Thatheavenlyhandwaspartlycoveredbyalacenet...

VENTURA.That’sbecauseshewasfishing!

MELCHOR....andthisoneisbare.

ALONSO.DonMelchor.Don’tbeshy.Comehere.Speaktoyourfuturewife.

MELCHOR.Sir,herbeautyhasrenderedmewordless.Imustadore,admireandkeepquiet,asifI

wereinachurch.Besides,notbeingusedtothewaysoftheCourt,I’dbeafraidI’dsay

somethingunseemlyorfoolish.

MAGDALENA.That,mydearsir,canneverbe,forI’djudgeyouclevernomatterhowfoolishyour

wordsmayactuallyturnouttobe.Withyourpermission,father,nowthatIhavemetdon

Melchor,IshallretiretomyroomwithQuiñones.Asyouknow,Icannottaketoomuch

excitementatonce.

ALONSO.Iknow,mydaughter.I’llmakesuredonMelchoriswelllookedafter.

ExeuntMagdalenaandQuiñones.Themenbow.

SEBASTIÁN.(toMelchor)IfImaybesobold,mydearsir,pleaseaccepttheheartiest

congratulationsofaneighbourandhissister,whohenceforthremainatyourservice.AsI

amfondofsaying,propinquityisasgoodasfamilyrelation.

JERÓNIMO.DonSebastiánandhissisterliveinthehousenextdoor.

MELCHOR.Ithankyoubothfromthebottomofmyheart.

ÁNGELA.(asidetoSebastián)MethinksSaintAnthony’sansweredmyprayers,brother.Ifancy

donMelchor.

16

SEBASTIÁN.(asidetoher)Don’teventhinkaboutit,sister!

ALONSO.DonSebastián,Iwouldbehonouredifyouandyoursisterwouldacceptmyinvitation

toattendamodestcelebrationI’mplanningforthisevening.

SEBASTIÁN.Thehonourwillallbeours.

ALONSO.AndyouMelchor,myson,knowthatyouareinyourhouseandthatwhenyouleaveit,

itwillbeasmydaughter’shusband.

ExeuntAlonso,Jerónimo,SebastiánandÁngela,whokeepsglancingatMelchor.

LUIS.Well,whatdoyouthinkofyourbride,Melchor?There!Didn’tItellyou?Isn’tshebeautiful?

MELCHOR.Cousin,trueloversaren’tfickle.Ifanything,I’mevenmoreinlovenowwiththat

adorablehandthanIwasbeforeIsawher.

LUIS.Butisn’tyourbride’shandasattractive?

MELCHOR.Areyoumad?Notintheleast!Mylady’shandispureperfectionandsuffersno

competition!

LUIS.Itmustbequiteahand!

MELCHOR.Itis!Believeme!Tremendous,unbelievable!It’sahandthelikesofwhichyou’ve

neverseenbefore!

DAYTWOSCENETHREE

EnterMagdalena,dressedinmourning,andQuiñones.

MAGDALENA.Well,I’mnothappy.Nothappyatall,Quiñones.

QUIÑONES.Butisn’thethemanyouthoughtadorable,andboldandIdon’tknowwhatelseonly

yesterday?

MAGDALENA.Yes,andImustconfessthatIfindhimnowevenmoreadorablethanbefore...But,

tellme,Quiñones,howcanItrustamanwhofallsinlovewiththefirstwomanhesees,even

17

ifthatwomanisme?AmanwhocomesallthewayfromLeóntomarryme,canbeso

changeableastofallheadoverheelsinlove,notevenwithawholewoman,butwithahand,

evenifthathandbelongstome?Oncemarried,wouldhenotdothesamewitheveryfemale

handhesees?Andbearinmindthateverywoman’sgottwoofthem!

QUIÑONES.Butitsohappensthathefellinlovewithyourhand,andnobodyelse’s.Thatbeing

thecase,whocanyoubejealousof?

MAGDALENA.Myself.That’swho.

QUIÑONES.Well,you’reintroublethen.Whatdoyouplantodo?

MAGDALENA.Firstofall,meethim,aspromised.

QUIÑONES.Andwhat’sthepointofdressinginmourningforthat?

MAGDALENA.You’llseeinduecourse.

QUIÑONES.Can’tyoutellmenow?

MAGDALENA.No,becauseIdon’twantyoutotalkmeoutofwhatI’mdeterminedtodo.

QUIÑONES.Iknowbetterthantotrytodissuadeyou.

MAGDALENA.You’dthinkmemad.

QUIÑONES.Ialreadydo.

MAGDALENA.Isthecarriageready?

QUIÑONES.Waitingforyouinthestreet.ButmayIatleastknowwhereyou’regoing?

MAGDALENA.ToDoñaJuana’shouse.Tooffermycondolencesonthedeathofherfather.And

whileI’mthere,Ineedyoutohireafootmanandasedanchairandsendthemtoherhouse

tofetchme.

QUIÑONES.Awhat?

MAGDALENA.Afootmanandasedanchair.

QUIÑONES.Whatfor?

MAGDALENA.I’llexplainitalllater.NowdoasIsay.

QUIÑONES.Whatever!

18

SCENEFOUR

EnterMelchorandVentura,arguing.

VENTURA.Buthowcanyouspurnarealwoman,beautifulandwealthy,let’snotforgetit,fora

rapacioushand?Youhaven’tevenseenoneofhereyes!Youdon’tevenknowifshe’sanold

hagorachild.You’venoideaifshehasasnubnoseorabulbousbeak,orafoot-long

proboscis.Inshort,youknowbuggerallabouther.

MELCHOR.Goon,goontalkingnonsense.Inoneearandouttheother.Thisistheplace.I’llwait

forheruntilshecomes.

VENTURA.Doyoureallybelieveshe’sasstupidastoreturnourpurse?

MELCHOR.We’llfindoutsoonenough.

VENTURA.She’donlydoitifshethoughttherewasmorewherethatcamefrom.Maybeour

pursewasn’tpregnantenoughforher.

MELCHOR.She’llbehere.Justasshepromised.

VENTURA.Butseriously,don’tyoulikeDoñaMagdalenaevenalittlebit?

MELCHOR.Sheleavesmecold.Myheartbelongstothathiddenbeauty,tothatheavenlyhand,

whichcanonlybeatruereflectionofthelovelinessofherface,justasherfaceisa

reflectionofherdivinesoul.

VENTURA.Andifsheturnsouttohaveoneeyeredandtheotheryellow,bluelips,brownteeth,

sunkencheeksandapockmarkedface?Whatthen?

MELCHOR.Intheunlikelyeventthatshe’sasyoudescribeher,then,andonlythenwouldI

considergoingbacktoMagdalena.Shemaynotbebeautiful,butatleastshe’srich.

VENTURA.Andwhatifyourmysteriousladyisbeautifulbutpoorasachurchmouse?

MELCHOR.Notlikely.

VENTURA.Butwhatifsheis?

MELCHOR.Ifthatwerethecase,thenI’dmarryher,takeherwithmetoLeón,andlivehappily

thereafteronthelittlemoneyI’veleft.

VENTURA.There’snohappinesswithoutmoney,anddon’tletanybodytellyoudifferent.But

who’sthisladyinmourning?

19

EnterMagdalena,herfacecovered.

MELCHOR.AhVentura!That’smylady!

VENTURA.She’sdressedforarequiemmass.Badomen.

MELCHOR.She’stheladywhosehandIsawyesterdayatchurch.I’drecognizeherfigureand

bearinganywhere.(approachesMagdalena).Mylady,hereIam,atyourservice.

MAGDALENA.(uncoversherhand)Doyourecognizethishand?

MELCHOR.Odawn,Oearlybright,Olightofday!

VENTURA.O...O...O...!Isheinpainalready?

MAGDALENA.I’vecome,aspromised.

MELCHOR.Ifyouwerealwaysasfaithfulasyouareinkeepingyourpromises,you’dshowmethe

sunthatyourhoodhaseclipsed.

MAGDALENA.Mypurposeincominghereissimplytogivebackwhatdoesn’tbelongtome.

MELCHOR.Ifyourefertomysoul,whichyesterdaydesertedme,thendon’tbother,forIconsider

ithopelesslylost.

MAGDALENA.Wasityours?

MELCHOR.Yes,mylady.

MAGDALENA.Well.It’saverynaughtysoul!Itkeptmeawakemostofthenight.Uninvited,it’s

becomemasterofmyownhouse.Iswearthatitwould’vetakenpossessionofme,hadnota

friendofminearrivedthismorningdemandingitsreturn.Sheclaimeditbelongedtoher.

MELCHOR.Belongtoher!Whocouldtellsuchabarefacedlie?

MAGDALENA.AcertaindoñaMagdalena,afriendofminewho’snoble,sensible,beautifuland

veryrich.

MELCHOR.DoñaMagdalena!

MAGDALENA.Yes.IwascuriousaboutyouandsoIdecidedtoinvestigate.Iknowthatyou’ve

cometoMadridtomarryher.IknowthatyournameisMelchor,andthatyou’rea

gentleman,butpoor.Iknowthattodayyou’llsignyourweddingcontractandthatthe

religiousceremonywillfollowsoonthereafter.Andyouwantmetobelieveyourpassionate

protestationsoflove!Doyoutakemeforafool?IfIweretoshowyoumyface,likeIshowed

youmyhandyesterday,you’llknowwhoIam,andI’llbecomethelaughingstockofyouand

yourMagdalenaandherwholefamily.Longlivewhoeverinventedladies’cloaks,Isay!

20

MELCHOR.Yourinformationiscorrect,mylady,butyourconclusionscouldnotbemoreoffthe

mark.Noamountofmoney,noteventhebeautyofHelenofTroy,wouldmakemestop

lovingyoutotheendofmydays.Isawyourrivalyesterday—allowmetocallherthat,

unlessyouwishmetorefertoherasmyenemy—andshecannotholdacandletoyour

divinehand.Sheseemedtomeneitherbeautifulnoraworthycompetitortoyou.Iwould

not,Icannotsurrendermywilltoher,foritbelongstoyoualone.AndnowIthinkthetime

hascometoseethefaceofmymistress.Ibegofyou.Enoughmodesty!

MAGDALENA.Iamnearlypersuadedtograntyourrequest,but...No.Iwon’t!AllI’llsaytoyou

nowisthatIamneithermorebeautiful,norricher,noryounger,norwiser,normorenoble,

normoreworthyofyourlovethandoñaMagdalenais.

MELCHOR.Ifindthathardtobelieve.Fortocomparethetwoofyouistocomparedayandnight.

MAGDALENA.Then,proveittome.BreakoffyourengagementtodoñaMagdalena.Thenand

onlythenwillIrevealmywholepersontoyou.

MELCHOR.Nothingwillgivememorepleasure.

EnterSantillanaandspeakstoMagdalena.

SANTILLANA.Ibegyourpardon,mylady.It’stimetogo.

MAGDALENA.No.Notyet.Waitformeoverthere.

SANTILLANA.Yes,mylady.

SantillanamovestowhereVenturaisandspeakswithhimwhileMagdalenaandMelchor

mimetheirconversation.

VENTURA.Hellothere,oldman!

SANTILLANA.Helloyourself.

VENTURA.What’syourname?

SANTILLANA.Santillana.

VENTURA.AndyourChristianname?

SANTILLANA.Serum.

VENTURA.Consumptiveswouldloveanextractofyou.Howlonghaveyouservedyourlady?

SANTILLANA.Acoupleofhours.

21

VENTURA.Butyouknowwhosheis.

SANTILLANA.Noidea.

VENTURA.Idon’tbelieveyou.Youlooklikeasmartfellow.Thiscoinsaysthatyoudoknow.

SANTILLANA.Itdoes?(triestograbit)

VENTURA.It’syours.Butonlyafteryouspillouteverythingyouknowabouther.

SANTILLANA.Everything?

VENTURA.Everything.

SANTILLANA.Andyouwon’ttellanyone?

VENTURA.Iwon’t.

SANTILLANA.Well,ifit’storemainasecretbetweenus...Icantellyouthatsheis...

VENTURA.Sheis...

SANTILLANA....alady...

VENTURA.Icanseethat.

SANTILLANA....inlovewithyourmaster.

VENTURA.Icanseethattoo.Thatinformationisnotworthafarthing.Iwanttoknowhername.

SANTILLANA.Hername.

VENTURA.Yes,Serum.Hername.

SANTILLANA.Hernameis...Countess.

VENTURA.That’snotanamebutatitle.

SANTILLANA.Isit?

VENTURA.Itis.Ipromiseyou.Youhavetotellmewhatshe’sthecountessof.

SANTILLANA.She’sthecountessof...

VENTURA.Yes,yes?

SANTILLANA.Chirinola!

VENTURA.Chirinola?

SANTILLANA.Chirinola!

VENTURA.Andwhereisherchiri-county?InChina?

SANTILLANA.No,sir.It’sintheprovinceofNaples.

VENTURA.AndwheredoessheresidehereinMadrid?

SANTILLANA.InahousewithbluelatticewindowsonSilvaStreet.

VENTURA.Isshemarried?

SANTILLANA.Onherwayto.

22

VenturaandSantillanacontinuemimingtheirconversationwhileMagdalenaandMelchor

speak.

MELCHOR.So,youstillrefusetograntmemywish?

MAGDALENA.Yes,but...I’malsogratefultoyou,andcurioustoseeifyouthinkmemore

beautifulthanyourMagdalena.So,I’llallowyoutakeapeekatoneofmyeyes.

MELCHOR.Ahmymistress’eyeisexactlylikethesun!Ventura!Ventura!

VENTURAYes,sir!(toSantillana)I’llpayyouanothertime.

SANTILLANA.Eh,you!

MELCHOR.Ventura,pleasetakealookatthiseye,thismorningstar,anddon’ttellmethat

Magdalena,whomIabhor,ismorebeautifulormoreworthyofmylove.

VENTURA.It’sindeedasplendiferouseye.

MELCHOR.Couldwebesofortunateastoseeitscompanion?

MAGDALENA.Hereitis.

VENTURA.Aretheyholyrelics,thatwecanseethemonlyoneatatime?

MELCHOR.Istheresuchamiracle?

MAGDALENA.Doyouthinkmyeyescancompetewiththoseofyourfuturewife?

MELCHOR.Suchcomparisonisinvidious,mylady.Magdalena’seyesare...

VENTURA.Cowplops.

MAGDALENA.(givesVenturaaring)Hereyouhave,inrecognitionofyourperspicacity.

VENTURA.Owondroushand!Omunificentappendage!ThisisahandandnotdoñaMagdalena’s

limp,cold,andskinnypaw!ThistrulyisahandworthyoftheCountessofChirinola!

SANTILLANA.Hush!Won’tyoubequiet?

MELCHOR.Comeagain?

MAGDALENA.What?

VENTURA.Thetruthcannotlongremainhidden.You’retheNeapolitanCountessofChirinola.

Thisoldfartcatchertoldme.

MELCHOR.AreyouacountessinNaples,mylove?

MAGDALENA.Me?Yes...IsupposeIam...Imen,sincetheuntimelydeathofmyfather,thatis.I

thenbecametheCountessof...Chirinola,justasyourservantsays.Butnow,Ibettergo.

23

Importantmattersrelatingtomyfather’slastwillandtestamentawaitme.Farewell.Until

youfulfilyourpromise.

MELCHOR.Consideritdone!

SCENEFIVE

EnterÁngelaandSebastián.

SEBASTIÁN.Sister,Iburnwithloveforourcharmingneighbour,Magdalena.ButhowcanI

preventhermarriagetothatsmartass,donMelchor?

ÁNGELA.Idon’tknow,butyoubetterprayanddosomethingquick.Themarriagecontractwillbe

signedtoday.Andtomorrow,whichisaholiday,thefirstbannswillbereadinchurch.

SEBASTIÁN.Iwishhe’dneversetfootinMadrid!

ÁNGELA.Idon’t.

SEBASTIÁN.Iknowyoufancyhim.

ÁNGELA.Icertainlydo.IwantdonMelchorallformyself.SaintAntonygavehimtome.

SEBASTIÁN.Well,youcan’thavehim.He’stoopoor.Noprospects.I’llfindyouahusband.You

wantsomeoneprudent,stableandsensible.

ÁNGELA.No,Idon’t.IwantdonMelchor.He’smine.

SEBASTIÁN.Evenifhedoesn’tloveyou?

ÁNGELA.Evenifhedoesn’t.Thenunstoldmethattoloveistosuffer.

SEBASTIÁN.Then,stoplovinghimandyou’llstopsuffering.

ÁNGELA.Ican’t.Iwanttolovehimandtosuffer!

SEBASTIÁN.Well,that’snotgoingtohappen.Youmustforgethim.

ÁNGELA.Forgethim!I’llsuffertoomuchifIdo.

SEBASTIÁN.Letmegetthisright.You’llsufferifyoulovehimandyou’llsufferifyoudon’t?

ÁNGELA.That’sright.

SEBASTIÁN.Thenthere’sonlyoneoptionopentome.

ÁNGELA.What?

SEBASTIÁN.I’llhavehimkilled.

24

ÁNGELA.What?You’dmurderthemanIlove?

SEBASTIÁN.ThewayIseeit,withhisdeath,yourloveforhimwilldietoo,andwithityour

suffering.

ÁNGELA.Thatsameremedycouldbeappliedtoyou.Whydon’twehaveyourMagdalena

murderedandthenyourloveandyoursufferingwillbeovertoo!

SEBASTIÁN.There’ssomethingelsewecoulddo:disrupttheirwedding.

ÁNGELA.How?

SEBASTIÁN.IcouldclaimthatMagdalenapromisedtomarryme.

ÁNGELA.Andyourwitnesses?

SEBASTIÁN.Don’tIhaveservantsandgoodfriendsreadytobackmeup?

ÁNGELA.Thatmaybeagooddelayingtactic,butnotenoughtopersuadehertomarryyou.

SEBASTIÁN.IfIcandelaythewedding,I’mconfidentthateventuallymynobilityandespecially

mywealthwillwintheday.Herfatherisoldandthereforecovetous,likealloldmen.Sixty

thousandsducatsperannumplustheknighthoodIexpecttobeawardedsoonshouldbe

enoughtopersuadebothofthem.

ÁNGELA.DonMelchorissohandsome,inavirtuouskindofway.

SEBASTIÁN.Moneyandatitleareevenmorehandsome.

ÁNGELA.Well,you’dbettergetonwithitthen.Beforetheysignthecontract.

SEBASTIÁN.Iwon’twasteanotherminute.Bye,sister.

ÁNGELA.Bye,brother.

ExitSebastián.EnterVentura.

VENTURA.Iwaslookingfor...butIseehe’snothere.

ÁNGELA.Wait!Don’tgo!

VENTURA.Mymaster’swaitingforme.

ÁNGELA.Listen.

VENTURA.I’mallears.

ÁNGELA.What’syourname?

VENTURA.Ventura.

ÁNGELA.That’sagoodname.

VENTURA.I’madventurousbynature.

25

ÁNGELA.Didn’tyouarriveyesterdayfromLeón?

VENTURA.Idid.

ÁNGELA.Canyoukeepasecret?

VENTURA.IcankeepitbetterthanIcankeepmymaster’spurse.

ÁNGELA.Thisringwillmakeyoudiscreet.

VENTURA.(putsringonhisfinger)Itwillcertainlyhelp.

ÁNGELA.DoyouknowwhoIam?

VENTURA.Noidea.

ÁNGELA.Doyouthinkyourmastercouldfallinlovewithme?

VENTURA.(lookingattheringinhishand)Ihavenodoubt.

ÁNGELA.Butisn’tyourmaster’sheartreallysetondoñaMagdalena?

VENTURA.No,notreally.Hefindsmorefaultsinherthaninarentedmule.Hewon’tmarryher.

ÁNGELA.WhythendidhecomeallthewayfromLeón?

VENTURA.Becausehewantedtowedhermoney.Butthenthisladyhappened.

ÁNGELA.Lady?Whatlady?

VENTURA.Alady,orratheralady’shandhefellinlovewith.

ÁNGELA.Andsheloveshimtoo?

VENTURA.Madly.

ÁNGELA.Who’sshe?

VENTURA.Aone-eyedcountessfromNaples.Shegavemethisotherring.

ÁNGELA.Andhername?

VENTURA.Thecountessofthepurse.

ÁNGELA.Whatkindoftitleisthat?

VENTURA.TheoneIgiveher,forshe’sagreatpursesnatcher.

ÁNGELA.Speakseriously.Who’sshe?

VENTURA.Mymasterfellinlovewithherhandandtodayshe’spromisedtogiveittousin

marriageassoonasshesettlesherfather’swill.Hediedbutyesterday.

ÁNGELA.Sheovercamehergriefratherspeedily.

VENTURA.That’sright.She’safastworker,likemymaster.It’sloveatfirstsightwithhim.As

soonashefindsoutyoulovehim,he’llchangehismindagain.Allhe’sseenofthiscountess

isonehandandoneeye.Themomentyoushowhimyournose,yourmouthandyourchin,

26

he’llforgetherandfallinlovewithyou.Trustme.That’sthewaytohisheart.Showhima

fewpartsofyouranatomyandhe’syours.AndnowI’dbettergobeforeIgetintotrouble.

SCENESIX

EnterMagdalena,wearingadifferentdress,andQuiñones.

MAGDALENA.I’minaquandary,Quiñones.Ifindmyselflovedandhated,desiredandrejected.

Veiled,he’spassionatelyinlovewithme;unveiled,hethinksmeuglyanddetestable.Being

myownrivalforhisaffections,I’mjealousofmyself!Thishandofmineisoffendedbythe

attentionsthatmyotherhandreceives.Whenhepraisesmyeyes,Ifeelaggrieved.Amere

cloaksufficestomakehimeitherloveordetestme.Towedmeheagreestobreakoffour

engagement.AndI,whofollowhisstepslikeashadow,crywhenI’mpleased,losewhenI

win,andloathehimwhenheadoresme.

QUIÑONES.Well,ifyouwantmyopinion,youonlyhaveyourselftoblame.Bynottellinghimwho

youare,you’venowgottwowomeninonebody.That’swhyyouwishhimtoleaveyoufor

yourself.Youwanttobethewinnerinthewaryouwageagainstyourself.Andyouprevent

himfrommarryingyoubyaskinghimtotearupyourmarriagecontract.Ifyouaskme,you

canonlycomplainofoneperson:yourself.

EnterÁngela,Sebastián,JerónimoandAlonsoandspeakunawaresofMagdalenaand

Quiñones,wholistentotheirconversation.

MAGDALENA.Hush!Myfather,mybrotherandthoseawfulneighboursarehere.Let’slistento

theirconversation.

ÁNGELA.Hisservanttoldme,andothershaveconfirmedit.Iamsimplyscandalized.

SEBASTIÁN.Icantestifytowhatmysistersays.Ididnotwanttobelieveitatfirst,untilIsawit

withmyowneyes.He’salreadygivenhisword,Isuspectinwriting,andtheywouldalready

bemarried,haditnotbeenfortheunexpecteddeathoftheoldcount.Asyou’reour

27

neighbour,Iwasnaturallyconcerned.Nipitinthebud,Isay,beforeitdoesirreparable

harmtoyourreputation.

ALONSO.DonMelchorinlovesosoon?Hearrivedonlyyesterdayandyoutellmethattodayhe’s

practicallymarried.Whocanbelievesuchathing?

SEBASTIÁN.Howdoyouknowhowlonghe’sbeeninMadrid?Maybehearrivedweeksagoin

disguiseandincognito.Whoknowswhathe’sbeenuptosincethen?

JERÓNIMO.IfdonLuis,hiscousin,andIhadnothappenedtobumpintohimyesterdaybypure

chance,Idoubthe’dhavepaidusavisit.

ALONSO.Enough!Ifyou’veseenitandheardit,howcanIdoubtit?Isn’teverythinginthistown

purechicaneryandillusion?(noticingher)Magdalena!

MAGDALENA.Father.

ALONSO.Haveyouaccidentallyoverheardourconversation?

MAGDALENA.Ihave,father.DonMelchor,thinkinghimselfworthyofmorebeautyandwealth

thanIcanoffer,isabouttobecomeacount.

ALONSO.Youknowthattoo?

MAGDALENA.Yes.Hiswife-to-be,who’sagoodfriendofmine,confidedthatacertainDon

Melchor,poorbutofnoblefamily,hadrecentlyarrivedinMadridtomarryanotherwoman,

butthathavingmether,inthecourseofasinglehour,he’dmanagedtowinherloveand

affection.Theywouldalreadybehusbandandwife,hadn’titbeenfortheinopportune

deathofherfather.Shedoesn’tknowthatIamtheotherwoman,andIthoughtit

convenientnottodisabusehersoastodiscoverthewholetruthaboutthissordidbusiness.

Andtotopitall,she’sinvitedmetobeaguestattheirwedding,whichwilltakeplaceon

Sunday.Itwillbeaprivateaffair,becauseofhermourning.

ALONSO.Thisisbeyondbelief!Andwho’sthiscountess?

MAGDALENA.Ican’tdisclosethat.I’vebeensworntosecrecyuntilthematterisconcluded.

JERÓNIMO.Thedamntraitor!Revenge!

ALONSO.Nevermindthat.IthinkourMagdalenaisluckytohaveescapedmarriagetosucha

perfidiousandtwo-facedman.

MAGDALENA.(pretendingtocry)Shehasbeautifulhandsanddazzlingeyes;she’sacountessand

he’sdyingtobecomeacount.Iwishhimthebestofluck!

28

ALONSO.Haveyoueverheardofsuchathing?AndtothinkthatIwantedhimtobeyourhusband

outoffriendshipforhisfather,mayherestinpeace.Butnevermind.I’llfindyouanother

husband,asnobleashe’sandfarricher.

SEBASTIÁN.Ioffermyselftobethatman,donAlonso,andIincludemysisterinthebargain.

Insteadofneighbourswe’llbecomefamily.I’llmarryMagdalenaandmysisterÁngelawill

beJerónimo’swife.Herdowryamountstotwelvehundredthousandducats.AndIenjoyan

annualrentofsixtythousand.

JERÓNIMO.Ifyouagree,father,I’llbeforevergratefultothatsnake,donMelchor,sincehis

refusaltowedmysisteraffordsmesuchabeautifulconsort.

ÁNGELA.(asidetotheaudience)We’llseeaboutthat!

ALONSO.Ifindyourofferverygenerous,donSebastián,butlet’snotbetoohasty.Iseedon

Melchor’sapproaching.Weshallhearwhatthefuturecounthastosayforhimself.

EnterMelchorandVentura.

MELCHOR.Greetings,donAlonsoandthecompany!Iwantedtoseeyou,sir,andyoutoo

Magdalena,toinformyouthat...afriendofminefromLeón,acaptain,hasjustarrivedin

MadridonhiswaytoToledo.He’sgoingtomarrythereandneedsaguarantor,totestify

thathe’sindeedwhoheclaimstobe.He’saskedmetoaccompanyhimandIcannotingood

consciencedenyhisrequest.So,I’vecometoaskforyourpermissiontobeabsent,much

againstmywill,forafewdays.

ALONSO.You’reveryconsideratetoinformus,donMelchor.Iwishyouasafejourney.Andon

yourreturn,pleasemakesureyoupayusanothervisit.You’llwanttocongratulate

Magdalena,forIsuspectthat,briefasyourabsencemaybe,she’dhavefoundanother

husbandbythen.Exit.

JERÓNIMO.Yourjourney,donMelchor,isnotaslongasyouclaim.Yourdestinationis,Ibelieve,a

fewhundredyardsdownthestreet.Please,acceptmycongratulationsonyourimpending

marriageandontheacquisitionofatitle.(hisses)Youvillain,you’llpayforthis!Exit.

SEBASTIÁN.Iregrettohaveknownyouforsuchashorttime,sir.Mayyouenjoyyourcountess

formuchlonger.Exit.

ÁNGELA.Ifit’snottooinconvenient,pleaseletusknowthesecretlocationofyourwedding,and

alsothetime,sothatwemayrejoicewithyou.Isoloveweddings!Exit.

29

VENTURA.Quiñones,thebundleofclothesIgaveyouyesterday,twoshirtsandaruff...

QUIÑONES.They’redownbytheriver.ThewasherwomaniscalledMaryPines.Gofindher.If

you’realsogettinghooked,you’llneedtowearacleanshirt.Andasforyou,donMelchor,

mayyoulivelongenoughtoseeyourgreatgrandsonsbecome,theoldest,anarchduke,and

therestatleastarchbishops.Exit.

MAGDALENA.They’veallcongratulatedyou,donMelchor,butIwillnot.Instead,I’llofferyoumy

condolences.Aboutanhourago,thecountess,whoisadearfriendofmine,toldmethatan

uncleofhersisarrivingtodayinMadridtoescortherbacktoItaly.Itseemsthatshemay

loseherinheritanceaswellasallhervastestatesifshedoesn’twedacertainSignore

SalvatoreCosmano,hercousin.ShemustperforcegotoValencia,whereshe’llsailatonce

forNaples.She’sbeentoldtohurry,fortheseasarefullofpiratesandsherunstheriskof

beingkidnappedorworse.Sheaskedmetosaygoodbyetoyouonherbehalf.AndIcantell

youthat,whiledoingso,Isawherwipeawayatearwithherdivine,angelichand,so

differentfrommyowncoarseandruggedappendage.Myfatherwillfindmeahusbandand

I’llfollowhiswishes,likethedutifuldaughterIam.Iregrettotellyou,donMelchor,that

youseemtobeoneofthemanywhoarecalledbutnotoneofthefewwhoarechosen.Exit.

VENTURA.Wow!She’sleftyoulookin’likeafoolwithyourbreechesontheground!You’renowa

countindoubletandhose!Theymadeamonkeyoutofyou!Tohavetwowomentellyouto

getlostinonedayisnomeanfeat.Webetterhopetheseringstheygavemearefirmerthan

theyare.Else,we’llsleeponthestreettonight.

MELCHOR.(downcast)IwanttoreturntoLeón,Ventura.

VENTURA.And,praytellme,whatareyougoingtodothere,wifelessandpurseless?

MELCHOR.Ihaveenoughmoneytolivemodestly.Let’sleavethislabyrinth,whereloversarewed

andwidowedatthesametime.IswearoffMadrid!Youwereright,Ventura.Nothingiswhat

itseemsinthistown.

VENTURA.Itoldyou!Butitmaynotbetoolatetofindaremedy.Yourcountessisgoingbackto

Chirinolaandwon’treturnanytimesoon.ButMagdalenaisstillhereandsingle.Andshe’s

verybeautiful.She’spissedoffwithyounow,ofcourse.Butyoucantalkherroundto

consentingtomarryyouagain.Begherfathertoforgiveyou.Trytowinoverherbrother.

Sueforpeaceandwhispersweetnothingsinherear.Youcanstillsucceedingettingwhat

youcamehereforinthefirstplace.Andforgetaboutthatdamnhand!

30

MELCHOR.Ifthatangelichandcouldonlybeexpungedfrommymind,I’dfollowyouradvice,

Ventura.

VENTURA.Andifyoudon’tlikedoñaMagdalena,there’sherneighbour,doñaÁngela,who’salso

gotthehotsforyou.Andshebringsadowryoftwelvehundredthousandducats!

MELCHOR.They’reallasnothingtome,comparedtomycountess.

VENTURA.Fine!BacktoLeónwemarchthen!I’llgoandpackoursuitcases.

EnterSantillana.

SANTILLANA.Excuseme,sirs!IsthereagentlemanherefromLeón?

VENTURA.He’sourcountess’footman.ThisisthegentlemanfromLeón,Serum.

SANTILLANA.Greetings!Thecountess,mylady,theonewhospoketoyouthismorning,sends

youthisletterandthisgift.

MELCHOR.So,mylady,thecountess,isstillinMadrid?

SANTILLANA.Whereelse?

MELCHOR.Ventura,givehimacoin.

VENTURA.Acoin,myfoot!

MELCHOR.DoasIsay.

VENTURA.Giveawayafewmorecoinsandwe’llbebucknaked.Here,takeit.

MELCHOR.Listen,Ventura,toherletter.Thisiswhatshewrites:“Totestyourlove,Itold

MagdalenaaboutmyreturntoNaplesandmyimpendingmarriagetomycousinSalvatore.

Theseareliesdesignedtodeceiveherandtomakesurethatyourloveisastrueasyou

declareittobe.Totieyouoverinthemeantime,thisfootmanwilldelivertoyoutwo

thousandescudosandaparcelwithsomenewshirtsandadozenNaplesbiskets.Ilook

forwardtoseeingyouatLaVitoriatomorrowattheusualtime.Love,yourcountess.”Forget

aboutthesuitcases,Ventura!

VENTURA.They’reforgotten!She’sgivenustwothousandescudos!

MELCHOR.Yousee?TherewasnojourneytoNaples,noarrangedmarriage!Shewantstoseeme

again!

VENTURA.Twothousandescudos!Comehere,Serum!Iwanttogiveyouabig,wetkiss!

SANTILLANA.Getoffme!D’youwanttheInquisitionknockingatyourdoor?

31

MELCHOR.“IlookforwardtoseeingyouatLaVitoriaattheusualtime”!Ah,myadorablehand!I

shallbeholdyouagain!

SCENESEVEN

EnterÁngelaandQuiñones.

QUIÑONES.IknowI’mbetrayingmymistressbyhelpingyou,butyourbrother’sliberalityhas

wonmeover.He’sbeensogeneroustome!Somanypresents,somanyattentions.Whocan

resisthim?He’sindeedatruegentleman.ButImusttellyou:evenwithmyhelp,youwon’t

succeedwhiledonMelchor’sinfatuationforthecountesslasts.Sheonlypretendedtobe

leavingforNaplestofindoutifhetrulylovedher.

ÁNGELA.So,thecountessisstillinMadrid?She’snotgoingtowedhercousin?

QUIÑONES.Notatall!Itwasallarusetodiscoverif,withheroutofthepicture,donMelchor

wouldmarrydoñaMagdalena.Butnow,seeinghowhereactedtothenews,howhestill

rejectsdoñaMagdalena’sbeautyandwealth,andhowhe’sreadytoreturntohisnative

Leóntolivetherealoneandinpoverty—whichisenoughtomeltaheartofstone—shesent

himtwothousandescudos,somenewshirtsandadozenNaplesbisketstogetherwitha

noteaskinghimtomeethertomorrowatLaVitoria,whereallwillbeexplainedandtheir

marriagearranged!

ÁNGELA.Andhowdoyouknowallthis?

QUIÑONES.Santillana,herfootman,toldme.

ÁNGELA.Well,Ican’tallowthattohappen.

QUIÑONES.Iknow.And,sinceI’mdeterminedtohelpyouandyourbigheartedbrother,here’s

myplantothwartthem.

ÁNGELA.Tellme.I’mallears.

QUIÑONES.Tomorrow,youmustdressinmourningandgotoLaVitoriamakingsurethatyour

faceisconcealedunderyourhoodedcloak.Takethispurse,whichdonMelchorentrustedto

mymistress.I’llexplainlaterhowitcametomypossession.He’llbeexpectingthecountess,

andonseeingyouhe’dundoubtedlymistakeyouforher.AsIhavelearned,allhe’sseenof

32

thatladyisonehandandhalf-an-eye.Showhimyourownhand,whichisnolessbeautiful

thanhers.Givehimhispurse,asconfirmationthatyouareindeedthecountess.Sayhow

pleasedyouarethathe’sspurnedMagdalenaforyoursake.Declareyourloveandyour

eagernesstobehislawfullyweddedwife.Ifallthisworksout,you’llfindyourselfmarried

tothemanyoufancy;yourbrotherwillweddoñaMagdalena;andperhapsdoña

Magdalena’sbrother,donJerónimo,willseizethisopportunitytomarrythecountess.And

thenwe’llallbemerrilycelebratingatriplewedding!Anditwillallbemydoing!

ÁNGELA.Ifallthisworksoutasyou’veplannedit,youshallbehandsomelyrewarded...

QUIÑONES.Ishouldthinkso.

ÁNGELA....inheaven.

DAYTHREESCENEEIGHT

EnterMelchorandLuis.

LUIS.IthoughtyouwereonyourwaybacktoLeón.

MELCHOR.Thingshavechanged,Luis.Mycountessismeetingmeheretoday.

LUIS.Butwasn’tshereturningtoNaples?

MELCHOR.No.Shedecidedtostayformysake.Cousin,youcanrejoicewithme.You’llseeme

turnedintoacountverysoon.Andmarriedtothemostbeautifulwomanonearth.

LUIS.Myheartiestcongratulations,Melchor!Andinreturn,offermeyourdeepestcondolences,

forIunderstandthatmybelovedMagdalenaistobemarriedtoherneighbour,don

Sebastián.AndJerónimo,Magdalena’sbrother,hasaskedforthehandofdonSebastián’s

sister,Ángela.Theoldman,donAlonso,hasconsentedtobothmarriages.Everything’s

arrangedtotheirsatisfaction,andIamburningwithjealousyandafraidofdoingsomething

I’dlaterregret.

33

MELCHOR.You’renotlosingmuch,Luis.I’dnotmarryMagdalenaifsheownedallthesilverin

Perú.Comparedtomydivinecountess’eyes,hersarecoldandlifeless,likethoseofadead

fish.

LUIS.I’llallowyoutoinsultherbeauty,forshewon’tbemineanymore.ButImustleaveyou,

Melchor.Onceagain,mycongratulations,evenifonthisoccasionyourhappinessonlylays

thefoundationsformywoe.There!Isaidit.Goodbye,cousin.

ExitLuisandenterVentura.

VENTURA.Helooksglum.What’swrongwithhim?

MELCHOR.Nothingthatconcernsyou,Ventura.Whatnewsdoyoubring?

VENTURA.Ourgoldencountessishere.Shewhogivestwothousandescudosfullydeservestobe

calledthat.Go,bowandscrapeandkneelinfrontofsuchabountifuldeity.

EnterÁngela,dressedinmourning,herfacehiddenbyahood.

MELCHOR.Mylady,whenwilldawnbreakyonder,throughthosedarkclouds?Whydon’tyou

cheerilyrousetheslumberingmorn?

ÁNGELA.DonMelchor,whydoyouspeaklikethat?Didyouperchancehadasleeplessnight?Was

itbecauseofmyfeignedabsence?

MELCHOR.Ididspendarestlessnight,mylady.Butthisjoyfuldaymorethancompensatesforit.

ÁNGELA.LovingyouasIdo,IcouldhardlygotoItalyleavingyoubehind.

MELCHOR.Givemelicencetokissyouradorablehand.

ÁNGELA.Myhandisnotforeverydayuse.Asarewardforyourconstancy,I’llshowyouoneof

myeyes.

MELCHOR.That’spayingmeingoldinsteadofsilver.

Ángelashowshimoneofhereyes.Venturaleansovertotakealookatit.

VENTURA.EitherI’mmuchmistakenorthat’snottheeyewesawyesterday.Yesterday’seyewas

darkbrownandthisoneisblue!

34

MELCHOR.Don’tpayanyattentiontothisfool,mylady.Itrustmysoulandmymemory,where

yourdazzlingeyeisindeliblyetched.IknowthisistheeyeIadore.But,whoisthis?

EnterMagdalena,dressedinblacklikeÁngela.

VENTURA.Anotherladyinmourning.

MAGDALENA.Iseenow,donMelchor,thatIwaswrongtotrustyou.Iabsentmyselfbutafew

hoursandyou’vealreadyfoundanotherlove.

MELCHOR.But...

MAGDALENA.Don’tsayanotherword!Now,saddenedatonemoreproofofmen’sficklenessand

treachery,I’mdefinitelyreturningtoItaly.Mayyouandyourladylivehappilyeverafter.

I’velearnedmylessonandwon’tbemadeafoolagainbyanotherSpaniard.

MELCHOR.Mylady,please,don’tgo.Tellme.Areyoumycountess?

MAGDALENA.That’swhatIassumed,thatIwasyours,butnowIseeIwassadlymistakenand

you’veallbutforgottenme.Goodbye!

MELCHOR.Please,countess,don’tleaveme!

ÁNGELA.Countess?Areyouinlovewithanothercountess?Youtraitor,double-crosser,villain!I

thankheavensthatI’vediscoveredyourduplicityintime.Ineverthoughtthemountainsof

Leóncouldbreedsuchdeceitfulmen.Goodbye!

MELCHOR.(toMagdalena)Countess,don’tgo!(toÁngela)Countess,pleaselistentome!

ÁNGELA.Thedaybeforeyesterdayyouaskedmetolookafterthispurse.Here!Takeit!

MELCHOR.Thisisindeedmypurse!

ÁNGELA.Exceptyouwon’tneeditnow,afterthetwothousandescudosIsentyouyesterday.

MELCHOR.Yousentmethatmoney?

ÁNGELA.AndthenewshirtsandtheNaplesbisketstoo.Usethemtoseduceanotherdefenceless

countessinthischurch,likeyouseducedme.

MAGDALENA.WhatdoIhear?You,acountess?YoumetdonMelchorinthischurch?Yougave

himmoney,newshirtsandNaplesbiskets?

ÁNGELA.OfcourseIdid.Anddon’tcomehere,dressedlikeme,tryingtogetcreditformygood

deeds!ThatpurseprovesthatIamdonMelchor’scountess.

MELCHOR.She’sright.That’smypurse.(toMagdalena)Madam,Idon’tknowwhoyouare.If

you’remakingfunofme,pleasestopthisinstant.

35

MAGDALENA.Thatpursemusthavebeenstolenfrommyhouse!Butwait.Here,lookatmyeye.

Don’tyourecognizeit?

MELCHOR.Ahlife-givingsun!Objectofmyinmostdesires!OfcourseIrecognizeyou.

MAGDALENA.Don’tyourememberthecordsofmypursehangingloosefrommybeltafterthe

thiefsnippedthem?

MELCHOR.Ido,Ido!

MAGDALENA.Arethesethesame?

MELCHOR.Theyare,theyare!

MAGDALENA.So,who’snowmakingfunofyou?Meorher?

ÁNGELA.Her!Ihavetherealcordsthatcutpursesnippedbackhome.Shemusthave

counterfeitedthosetodeceiveyou.

MELCHOR.Ventura,helpme!WhodoIbelieve?

VENTURA.Idon’tknow.Imustbedrunk,sinceI’mseeingdouble.

MELCHOR.Ladies,Idon’tknowwhichoneofyouistherealcountess,except...exceptforone

thing.Ihaveherdivinehandindeliblyetchedonmymind.Please,showmeyourhandsso

thatImayrecognizemytruelove.

MAGDALENA.I’mhappytodoso.

ÁNGELA.Metoo.

EnterJerónimoandSebastiánengagedin(miming)conversationatoneendofthestage.

MAGDALENA.(aside)Heavens!Mybrother!Hecan’tfindmehere.

ÁNGELA.(aside)GoodGod!Mybrother!Imustescape.

MAGDALENA.Iwasdeterminedtoclearupthisconfusion,donMelchor,butyoudon’tdeserveit.

Bye!Exitrunning.

ÁNGELA.I’mdisappointedatyourlackoffaithinme,soIwon’tshowyoumyhandafterall.

Goodbye!Bytheway,tomorrowIleaveforItaly!Exitrunning.

VENTURA.ShallIgoandpackoursuitcases?

MELCHOR.Ican’tbelievewhat’sjusthappened!

VENTURA.Ifit’sanyconsolation,we’retwothousandescudosahead,comparedtoyesterday.But

look!HerecomesdonJerónimoandhisneighbour.Theyeachhaveasisterinlovewithyou.

Whydon’tyouaskforthehandofoneofthem?

36

MELCHOR.Quiet!Iwanttohearwhatthey’resaying.

JERÓNIMO.Theamountofherdowryisofnoimportancetome,donSebastián.IloveÁngelaand

wishtomarryher.

SEBASTIÁN.AndIfellinlovewithMagdalenathemomentIsawher.Isn’titgreatthat,beside

beingneighbours,we’llnowbebrothers-in-lawtwiceover?

JERÓNIMO.But,wait!Isn’tthattheinfamouscountstandingoverthere?

SEBASTIÁN.That’shim.Ithoughthe’dbeveryfarfromherebynow.

JERÓNIMO.Toavoidanyunpleasantness,I’llpretendnottoseehim.

SEBASTIÁN.Metoo.Let’sgetoutofhere.

ExeuntJerónimoandSebastián.

VENTURA.Eithertheyhaven’tseenyou,ortheydon’twanttoseeyou.Butlookwhocomesnow.

EnterSantillana.

VENTURA.Whatremedydoyoubringus,Serum?

SANTILLANA.(inamonotone,notpayinganyattentiontoVentura)Mylady,thecountess,says

that,eventhoughsheisveryupsetwithyou,shestillwantstoseeyouonelasttime.Youare

togoateleveno’clockthiseveningtodoñaMagdalena’shouse.Shesaysyouknowthatlady

andwhereshelives.DoñaMagdalenaisingreattroubleandthecountessplanstospirither

awaytoherpalaceinNaples.Butbeforetheyleave,shewantsyoutogoandwaitbelowthe

windowthatfacesthenarrowalleywaythatrunsbehindthehouse.She’llseeyouthereand

speakwithyou.ShesaysthatdoñaMagdalenaisnottoknowanythingaboutthis,because

she’singreatdanger.Shetoldmenottoexpectareply,buttoremindyouthatitgetsnippy

atnight,sowrapupwarmanddon’tcatchacold!Bye.Exit.

MELCHOR.Wait,listen...

VENTURA.Ithinkhe’sdeaf.

MELCHOR.Whatdoyouthinkofthis,Ventura?

VENTURA.IthinkthisisatraplaidbyDoñaMagdalena’sfatherandbrother.

MELCHOR.Forwhatpurpose?

VENTURA.Toforceyoutomarryher.

37

MELCHOR.Buthaven’twejustheardthatshe’smarryingdonSebastián?

VENTURA.Youbrokeyourword.Maybetheywanttoteachyoualessonyouwon’tsoonforget.

MELCHOR.Nothingandnoonewillstopmefromfollowingmylady’scall.Thequestionis,which

ofthetwocountessesiscalling?

VENTURA.We’llsoonfindout.

SCENENINE

EnterMagdalena,wearingadifferentdress,andQuiñones,withMelchor’spurseinherhand.

MAGDALENA.DidyougiveSantillanamypreciseinstructions?

QUIÑONES.Idid.

MAGDALENA.Anddidheunderstandthem?

QUIÑONES.Imadehimrepeatthemadozentimes,untilhecouldrecitethembyheart.

MAGDALENA.Anddidyoutellhimnobodyelseistoknowaboutit?

QUIÑONES.Idid.Bytheway,Ifoundyourpurse.Hereitis.Iconcealeditsowell,IthoughtI’dlost

it.(asidetotheaudience)ThankGoddoñaÁngelareturneditjustintime!

MAGDALENA.So,itwasn’tstolenafterall.Then,thefakecountessmusthadhadonemadejust

likethisone.There’snootherpossibleexplanation.Buthowdidshefindoutwhat

happenedfromthemomentIsawdonMelchorinchurchuntiltoday?Sheknewallabout

thepurse,andthecountessofChirinola,andthetwothousandescudos,andthenewshirts

andeventheNaplesbiskets!Shepracticallyprovedtohimshe’stherealcountess!

QUIÑONES.Iwonderwhocould’vetoldher?

MAGDALENA.IwishIknew.

QUIÑONES.Well,atleastnowyoucanbejealousofanotherlady,andnotjustofyourself.

MAGDALENA.Howlittleyouknowme,Quiñones.Listen,doesn’tdonMelchorlovemeasthe

countess?

QUIÑONES.Hecertainlydoes.

MAGDALENA.Myrival,doesn’tshepretendtobethecountess?

QUIÑONES.That’swhatshecallsherself.

38

MAGDALENA.DoesdonMelchorloveherasthecountess?

QUIÑONES.Hedoes.

MAGDALENA.DoesdonMelchorhatemeasMagdalena?

QUIÑONES.Heseemsto.

MAGDALENA.Doesn’titthenfollowthatifmyrivalpretendedtobeMagdalenainsteadofthe

countess,he’dfleefromherashefleesfromme?

QUIÑONES.Isupposeso.

MAGDALENA.Therefore,I’matthesametimejealousofmyselfasthecountess,jealousofmyself

asmyrival,andjealousofmyrivalasthecountess.Iaminfactthreepersonsinone,likethe

Trinity.Andjealousofallthree!

QUIÑONES.Itremindsmeofthatthree-shellgametheyplayinthemarket.Buthereyouare

worryingaboutalltheseproblems,whileyourfatherandbrotherareplanningyour

weddingtodonSebastián.

MAGDALENA.Theirplansareoflittleconcerntomecomparedtomyjealousy.Quiñones,ifthey

shouldaskforme,tellthemI’mindisposedandrestinginmyroom.

QUIÑONES.Doyouwishtoliedownforalittlewhile?

MAGDALENA.No.

QUIÑONES.ShallIkeepyoucompany?

MAGDALENA.No.Ijustwishtobeleftalonewithmythoughts.

QUIÑONES.Whatever!

SCENETEN

Nighttime.EnterMelchorandVentura.

MELCHOR.Thisisthealley,Ventura,andthat’sthewindow.What’sthetime?

VENTURA.Itmustbeneareleveno’clock.

MELCHOR.Howpeacefulthedarkcanbe.

VENTURA.Themoonisshowingonlyhalf-an-eye,likeourchiri-countesses.

MELCHOR.Iwonderwhichofthetwoistherealone.Andwhat’stheotheroneupto?

39

VENTURA.Godonlyknows.

DoñaMagdalenaappearsatawindow.

MELCHOR.Butlook,seewherethemoonbeamglimmerswhiteonthatfaceatthewindow?

VENTURA.Iseeit.

MAGDALENA.Isthatyou,donMelchor?

MELCHOR.Isityou,mydearcountess?

MAGDALENA.Loweryourvoiceandcomecloser.Wemusn’tbeoverheard.

MELCHOR.WhenwillIbefortunateenoughtoseeyourheavenlyface?

MAGDALENA.WhenIamlessupsetwithyou.AndwhenI’mreassuredthatitwasn’tyouwho

devisedthatscenewiththeothercountess.Iknowthatyourecognizedher.

MELCHOR.HadIknownorlovedher,she’dhavenoneedtopretendtobeyou.

MAGDALENA.Isshebeautiful?

MELCHOR.Idoubtit,forthenshe’dnothaveattemptedtostealsomeoneelse’sbeauty.

MAGDALENA.Well,I’mreadytoforgiveyou,providedyouofferaremedy.

MELCHOR.AremedysuggeststhatIcausedsomeharm,andIassureyouthatI’mguiltless.ButI’ll

acceptyourforgivenessif,asitiscustomary,thepardonedisallowedtokissthehandofthe

pardoner.

MAGDALENA.Thiswindowisabittoohigh.Yourlipswon’treachmyhand.

MELCHOR.Loveovercomesallobstacles.Ventura,comehere!

VENTURA.Whatnow?

MELCHOR.Godownonyourhandsandknees.

VENTURA.What?Whatfor?

MELCHOR.Sothatmylipscankisstheheavenlyhandthatdanglessosweetlyupthere.

VENTURA.Meonallfours?WhatamI?Astepladder?Findyourselfaworkbenchorsomethingto

standon.

MELCHOR.Dothisforme,Ventura.

VENTURA.Yourbootsarefilthy.Ismybackashoescraper?

MELCHOR.I’llgetmadatyou.

VENTURA.Idon’tcare.

MELCHOR.WhatifIgiveyouoneofmybestdoublets?

40

VENTURA.Well,ifyouputitthatway...CanIhavetheblackonewiththesilvertrimmings?

MELCHOR.Yes.

VENTURA.Done.ButthisisthefirstandlasttimeIdothisforyou,youhear?

MELCHOR.Thanks,Ventura.

VENTURA.Hurryup,climbonmyback,kissherhandandlet’sbedonewithit.

MELCHOR.(climbsonVentura’sback)Omybeautifulhand!Howlovinglyyouwaitforme!

VENTURA.Getonwithit!You’renotafeather,youknow?

MELCHOR.ThisisthehandIlove.

MAGDALENA.Itwillsoonbeyoursforever.

MELCHOR.HowhappyI’llbetofeelitslightweightonmyhand!

VENTURA.HowpissedIamfeelingyourweightinessonmyback!Couldyoupleasewrapitup?

You’reheavierthanadebt.Myback’sbentlikeachorizosausage!

MELCHOR.(kissingherhand)Mydarling,mypreciousangel,mydearest!

VENTURA.Enough!Ican’ttakeitanymore!

VenturarollsonhissideandMelchorfallsdown.

MELCHOR.Ah,damnyou!

VENTURA.I’mlikearentedmule.WhenIgettired,Ijustliedown.

MELCHOR.IfIdidn’tconsiderthat...

VENTURA.Considerwhateveryoulike.Mybackcouldn’ttakeitanymore.

MAGDALENA.Now,listen,mybeloveddonMelchor.

MELCHOR.I’mlistening.

MAGDALENA.Haveyourecoveredfromyourcruelfall?

VENTURA.He’srecovered.Ihaven’t.

MELCHOR.Whatdoyouwanttotellme,mydarling?

MAGDALENA.Idon’twishtomisleadyouanymore.Tomorrow,I’mdepartingforItaly.

Burdensomeobligations,imposedonmebyalasttestamentandwill,obligemetomarry

mycousinSalvatoreMancuso.Andmyuncleurgesmetoreturn,acceptmyresponsibilities

anddomyduty.Idelayedmydepartureonlytoseeyou.Tomorrow,Iwillbetakenawayto

Naples.Ah!IwishIcouldstaywithyou.Butasitisnotpossible,Iwantthesecondbest

thing.Listen.IloveMagdalenaasIlovemyself.Iknowsheadoresyou.Iwouldliketorepay

41

herfriendshipandherkindness.AndtheonlywayIknowhowtoisbyofferingyoutoher.

Shelovesyou.Youarepoor.She’sasrichasshe’sbeautiful.Mysorrowwillonlybelessened

bytheknowledgethatshe’lltakemyplaceinyourheart.BetruetoheranddowhatIaskof

you,foritwillbemylastrequest.

MELCHOR.Ifthisisalltrue,andmymalevolentfatehasordainedthattonightIbothwinandlose

you—andeventhoughwhatyou’reaskingmeisanextraordinarysacrifice,for,compared

toyou,thegoddessofbeautyitselfwouldseemuglytome—toshowyouhowmuchIlove

youandhowIobeyyoursmallestwishtotheletter,Ipromisetodowhatyouask,evenif

marryingMagdalenaiscertaindeathtome.ButsinceI’mtoloseyouanyway,deathis

welcometome.

MAGDALENA.Youareindeedtheepitomeoflovers.Waithereaminute.I’llcallher.Andright

here,you’retoholdherhandandsolemnlypromisetomarryher.Willyoudothat?

MELCHOR.I’llobeyyourwishes.

MAGDALENA.Butyoumustbenicetoher.Speaksweetwordsoflove.

MELCHOR.Mytonguewillutterthem,butnotmysoul.

MAGDALENA.Andyou’llpromisetomarryher?

MELCHOR.IsaidthatIwill.

MAGDALENA.Ah,youtraitor!Unfaithfullover!HowcouldI’veevertrustedyou?So,mysmallest

wishwouldinduceyoutomarrysomeoneelse.Itwould,wouldn’tit?Well,Iwantamore

constantlover,asteadfastcompanion,firmandunwaveringinhisaffections!

MELCHOR.Lightofmyday,mycountess,pleasedon’tgo!Wait,hearmeout!

MAGDALENA.Whatcanyousayinyourdefence?

MELCHOR.Don’tbeoffendedbywhatIimaginedwasyourdearestwish.YouknowthatI

acceptedyourrequesttomarryawomanIabhoronlybecauseyoucommandedmetodo

so.Iexpectedpraiseformysublimesacrifice,notcensure.

MAGDALENA.EvenifshewereembarkingfortheIndies,whatwomancouldpossiblyaskher

lovertolovesomeoneelse?Iexpectedvehementprotestationsfromyou,afirmrefusalto

goagainstyourinclinations,adeclarationofyourundyinglove.Iwantedyoutodescribein

detailhermanyshortcomings,herinadequacies.Thatwouldhavemademehappyand

makemeloveyouevenmore.Didn’tyousaybutyesterdaythatsheleftyoucold,thatshe

wasstupid,thatyou’dpreferdeathtomarriagetoher?

42

MELCHOR.Enough,enough,mybeloved.IknowI’veerred.Please,forgiveme.Iswearonthe

mostsacredthat,asfarasI’mconcerned,there’snomonstercomparabletoMagdalena.

EvenifyoudepartforNaplesandIwerepromisedallthegoldthatthesunengendersinthe

depthsoftheearth,I’dnotconsenttomarryher.

MAGDALENA.(speakingintwodifferentvoices)–What’sgoingonhere?–Ah,it’syou,Magdalena,

myfriend.Come,comeforward.Here’syourdonMelchorsayinghorriblethingsaboutyou.

I’lllethimrepeatthemtoyourface.IamtiredandI’mgoingtobed.(Sheleavesandreturns

amomentlaterspeakinginadifferentvoice).DonMelchor,hewhospeaksbadlyofwomen

behindtheirbacksisnotonlydiscourteousbutunworthyofmyrespectandofthecountess’

love.I’vecometotheconclusionthatyou’reamanoflimitedintelligence,unableto

appreciateawomanlikeme.Ablindmanwouldhardlybeagoodjudgeofcolours,would

he?So,gobacktothemountainsofLeónandkeepcompanytoyoursheep.InMadridyou’re

clearlyoutofyourdepth.(leavesthewindow).

VENTURA.Well,shekeptnothingback,didshe?Buthowdidsheknowaboutthesheep?

EnterAlonso,Jerónimo,andSebastiánwithlights.

ALONSO.Didyousaythere’sasuspiciousmanprowlingthisalley?

JERÓNIMO.That’swhatmyservanttoldme.

VENTURA.Ithinkwebettermakeourselvesscarce.

SEBASTIÁN.Theretheyare!

ALONSO.Isn’tthisdonMelchor?

JERÓNIMO.Deathtothetraitor!

ALONSO.No,wait!Sheathyoursword,myson.DonMelchor,whatkindofmadnessisthis?Do

youneedtocomeandspeaktomydaughterinsecret,inthedark,inthemiddleofthenight

whenyouhadeveryopportunitytodosoopenlyandinthelightofday?

JERÓNIMO.Thisisanattempttocompromisemygoodsister’sname!Revenge!

MELCHOR.Youcouldn’tbemorewrong,ifyouthinkI’mhereforyoursister.

ALONSO.Whothen?

MELCHOR.Thecountess,yourguest.Shecommandedmetocomeheretospeakwithher.

ALONSO.Acountessinmyhouse?

MELCHOR.Yesindeed.

43

JERÓNIMO.Areyououtofyourmind?There’snocountesshere.

MELCHOR.Iwasjustspeakingtoheratthatwindow.

JERÓNIMO.DonMelchor,youcan’twriggleoutofthiswithsuchhumbug!

VENTURA.Mymasterspeaksthetruth.Iservedasthebenchonwhichhestoodtoreachher

hand.Mybackwilltestifytothatfact.

ALONSO.Heavens!Acountessinmyhousewithoutmyknowledge?

EnterÁngela.

ÁNGELA.Yes,donAlonso!Iamtheonewho,concealedbehindmycloak,pretendedtobea

countesstowindonMelchor’slove.Andthisevening,throughthatwindow,Ipromisedto

behislegallyweddedwife.

SEBASTIÁN.Sister!Whatareyousaying?

ÁNGELA.ThatIhavefreewillandwill,withSaintAnthony’shelp,marrywhomeverIplease.

MELCHOR.Ah,mybeloved.Mysoulacknowledgedyou,eventhoughmyeyeshadneverseenyou

whole.Youaremytruewife!

EnterMagdalena,QuiñonesandSantillana.

MAGDALENA.No,sheisnot!She’sdeceivedyou.She’susurpedmytitle.I’myourcounterfeit

countessandyourtruewife.AndIcanproveit.Here’sthepurseandthecutstringsand

herearemytwowitnesses,Quiñones,mymaid,andSantillana,myfootman.

SANTILLANA.That’sthetruth.I’veservedasherfootmanandherpostman.

MAGDALENA.Andforthefinal,definitiveproof,here’smyhand,whichsparkedyourloveforme

inthefirstplace.

MELCHOR.Irecognizeit,and,ashamedofmyself,Ibegyoutoallowmetokissit.

ALONSO.DonSebastián,lovecomesunbidden.Wemustneedsacceptthatthismarriagewas

madeinheaven...Ithink.

SEBASTIÁN.Iagree.Besides,it’sgettinglateandthisplayisbecomingaltogethertooconfusing

andlackinginsense.Let’sputanendtoit,Isay.Ángela,donJerónimowillbeyourhusband.

ÁNGELA.Well,ifIcan’thavedonMelchor,I’llmakedowithdonJerónimo.

JERÓNIMO.AndIwithyou,mydear.

44

ÁNGELA.SaintAnthonywillapprove,I’msure.

VENTURA.Quiñones,mymasterismarryingyourmistress.Shouldn’twegetmarriedtoo?What

doyousay?

QUIÑONES.Whatever!