A p r i lA Journal of my Life with Wilson Vermilingua OBE

Original photographs of Wilson used by kind permission of TamanduaGirl:www.livingwithanteaters.com

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tuesdaytoday the bees are in the kitchen, still working on their Wedding schedule.

they’ve drawn up a long list of dates they think would be suitable, so Wilson can choose one that doesn’t clash with anything on his busy agenda.

Wilson, meanwhile, is once more working in the garden. He’s a bit cross because he didn’t think of any brilliant april Fool’s day pranks to play on me. He says that 1 april rather crept up on him, unexpectedly.

If april 1st can take him by surprise, it does make me wonder how carefully he keeps his diary!

Wednesdaythe bees are stILL compiling a list of suitable dates for their wedding! I have no idea what’s taking them so long - maybe they’re into astrology and they’re choosing auspicious days, or perhaps they’re telephoning their relations to see when they’re all free. I hope they don’t come from big families - Wilson says that I am traditionally obligated to pay for all the catering and accommodation.

Wilson made it clear to me that he was bored with waiting and, as the weather was sunny and warm, asked whether we could go to Hastings for the day.

I’ve lost count of the number of buckets and spades he’s bought on our various holidays and days out, but only a new set would do for today!

He won’t always be little, so I like to indulge him while I can...

tHursdaythe day started like most days spent at the seaside with Wilson. First we walked along the prom having a go on, or ‘testing’ as he prefers to call it, all the coin-operated rides.

Judging by previous experience, this will probably be followed by lunch, several ice-creams and a game of Crazy Golf.

Finally before we head home we may take a closer look at the sea, but I confidently predict there will be no paddling by the water-dodging Wilson.

FrIdayI don’t encourage Wilson to use the phone while we’re eating, but during lunch he received a call from the bees saying that they’d completed their list of possible dates for their wedding.

Billi-B started reading out the dates but he stopped her, saying that he had an ‘extremely busy schedule for the rest of the day’ but he would give the matter his ‘full attention’ as soon as he returned home.

after ending the call he turned to me and said, ‘Better buy a hat, new dad - the wedding is on!’

saturdayas predicted, lunch was followed by a round of Crazy Golf, in which I was soundly beaten. as usual.

If the Masters or the PGa Championship were for Crazy Golf, I think W might make the cut! He takes each hole very seriously, which is why a round with him takes so long to play. I always cross my fingers that we don’t win a free round at the final hole!

For myself, I’d quite like to get home and see what date the bees have chosen for their wedding, but past experience has taught me that Wilson is not to be hurried.

sundaynext on Wilson’s schedule of Fun was a go on the trampolines. I paid for a 15-minute session, but after only five he was lying on his back and gasping for breath.

He told me afterwards that, like many things, it was much more difficult than it looks.

Once he’d got his breath back he earnestly assured me that the only thing which would help him recover was a 99 ice cream. and some barley sugar sweets. and some chocolate truffles.

Back outside he critically compared the size of his ice cream with the display model in front of the shop. He said that there should be a law against misleading advertising and, if he weren’t so busy with the wedding preparations, he’d take it up with his MP.

MOndayever since we’ve been coming to Hastings, Wilson has craved a go on the Go-Karts. In the past I’ve always told him he’s too young, but he’s almost seven now and I think he’s just about old enough to ride responsibly.

Here you can see him pulling out of the Pit Lane for his first lap.

every time he passed the Finish line he punched the air, shouting, ‘take that, Vettel!’, ‘eat dust, Hamilton!’ and the like

tuesdayas we made our way back to the car park - Wilson asking me whether I’d like his autograph now he was a racing driver, me insisting that he could nOt drive the car home - he suddenly fell silent.

I followed his gaze to the pavement display of a junk/antique shop.

‘I have GOt to have that!’ he exclaimed, dragging me over to see what had caught his eye. ‘It will be PerFeCt for putting up all the bees’ friends and relations over the wedding!’

WednesdayWe carried the beehive back to the car, tied it on to the roof with some rope we bought from a ship’s chandlers, and set off for home. I drove very carefully and slowly, not wanting to be stopped by the police and have to explain why I had a beehive tied to my car... especially if Wilson joined in and started telling them about his Bee Wedding. a night in the cells is not on my Bucket List!

On the journey home, Wilson revealed his ‘Great Idea’. since the village florist had been unable to supply most of the flowers he wanted for the Bee Wedding, he planned to raise his own flowers from seed and supply them through a specialist shop he planned to open, catering exclusively for bees getting married.

‘there are MILLIOns of bees in the country, new dad,’ he explained, ‘and mine will be the OnLy shop able to supply them with flowers when they get married! I shall have the Bee Wedding Monopoly!’

tHursdayas we continued our journey home, I mentioned that a full sized bee hive seemed a bit excessive - I’d thought the wedding guests could stay in the now-vacated little ‘bee hotel’ by the asteroid shelter in the garden. Wilson soon put me straight about that, however, asking me whether I had any idea how many bees Polly- and Billi-B would be inviting.

‘there’ll be thousands of them, new dad - thousands! they’ll invite their entire colonies, and they’ll all be expecting a nice sit-down meal at the reception! We won’t get away with a buffet, especially if the Queen comes!’

He then went on to explain that while his initial idea had just been the Bee Wedding Florists, having his own hive opened up new possibilities: he was going to convert the garden into a dedicated same-sex bee wedding venue!

FrIdayas soon as we got home, before we had a chance to unload the bee hive from the car roof, Polly-B and Billi-B dragged Wilson inside to show him their list of possible wedding dates.

W examined it thoughtfully, then pointed out that ‘some of these dates have already passed!’

‘yes, but that’s because we started work on this list so long ago,’ Billi replied.

Wilson took the list of dates, together with his iPad and his best green marker pen, and retired to the tumble dryer to consider. Leaving me to unload the bee hive single-handed.

It’s a lot heavier than you might think. even when there aren’t any bees in it.

saturdayBy the time I came down to breakfast this morning, Wilson had magnetted the bees’ list of possible wedding dates to the fridge door. there were 25 dates on the list… and he had an objection to every one of them.

I took the list into the garden, where I found him sandpapering his beehive, and asked him about his reasons for rejecting some of the dates.

‘Lumpy rug day?’ I asked him. ‘really? dance Like a Chicken day? yo-yo day?’

He raised his eyebrows and replied, ‘they’re traditional celebrations, new dad - anteaters the world over will be celebrating, for example, tap dance day on 25 May!’

‘Pink day’, I countered, ‘would be a brilliant day for an all-girl wedding! Or Camera day - we’ll be taking loads of photos anyway!’

W stared at the ground, saying nothing.I switched to my stern voice and asked him, ‘Look,

you’ve listed tWO Juggling days - couldn’t you give up one of those?’

‘alright,’ he sighed, ‘I suppose so. I’ll give up the second one. I’ll go and tell the girls.’

so, Polly- and Billi-B will be getting married on 13 June - keep the day clear!

sundayMany, many of Wilson’s friends have been in touch to point out that the date set for the bees’ wedding is Friday 13th - surely an inauspicious day for a marriage!

after much heart searching and lengthy discussions with the betrothed couple, he has graciously agreed to forego World Lumpy rug day so that the bee nuptials can take place then.

accordingly, please change the date in your diaries to saturday 3 May - that’s less than three weeks away, so you’d better start looking for suitable wedding presents!

Wilson is now in the garden, Pollyfilling the holes and painting his bee hive pink and white.

also, quite a bit of the grass. and himself.

MOndayWatched by an admiring, if slightly paint-spattered group of spectators, Wilson is putting the finishing touches to his bee hive.

tuesdayPolly-B, with Billi-B in attendance for moral support, approached Wilson this morning. they were both wearing inconsolably desolate expressions and for a moment I feared that the wedding might be off.

Polly produced a Polaroid of a fearsome-looking insect, saying that this was her uncle Zortan. Mad uncle Zortan.

Billi added that they had just received his rsVP to the wedding, even though he had not been invited.

the rumour in Polly’s family is that his mother was a feral wasp.

Incidentally, Wilson has asked that I remind everyone (as though you could possible forget!) that today is World rubber eraser day.

Wednesdayapparently Mad uncle Zortan’s hobby is attending bee weddings, dressed head-to-toe in black, and biting the other guests.

then at the crucial moment, when the vicar asks, ‘If any of you know cause or just impediment why these bees should not be joined together in Holy Matrimony, you are to declare it now, or forever hold your peace,’ Mad uncle Zortan jumps up and shouts, ‘yes! I know of Cause or Just Impediment!’ then he chuckles wickedly, continuing, ‘I shan’t tell ye… but ye’ll all find out soon enough! Har…’ before storming out of the church.

upon hearing this, Wilson visibly blanched. ‘I don’t think I’d like that!’ he declared. ‘I shall make

certain that all the ushers are given a copy of that photograph and strict instructions not to admit him!’

tHursdaydiscussing the issue later, Wilson admitted that he was a bit rattled to learn about Mad uncle Zoltan, but conceded that every family has a ‘black sheep’ hidden away somewhere.

I confessed that in my family, I have a feeling the black sheep is me.

‘Whatever,’ he sighed, ‘I’m taking a break from thinking about the wedding over easter. I’m going to relax, eat chocolate and do other eastery things.’

at this point he produced a brown-paper parcel which he proceeded to open. there was much speculation concerning its contents, the general consensus being that it contained an easter egg. But it didn’t.

no-one was prepared for what it did contain. except, of course, for Wilson, who had ordered it on

amazon!

FrIdayWilson has finally accepted that there won’t be any snow before next winter, so he has bought some industrial castors from amazon. He’s in the garden now, fixing them to his sledge so he can practice his Luge event. as he keeps reminding me, there is now less than four years to the next Winter Olympics, so he can’t afford to waste any more time.

He pointed out that today is also International Juggling day, but confessed that, what with the Luge practicing, he might not have time enough to juggle. Or indeed, to learn to juggle, which is a bit of a prerequisite.

although as he said, ‘It’s probably much easier than it looks!’

saturdayWilson and his support crew are heading off to the Luge and Bobsleigh practice track round the corner for a practice session.

It will be the first time he’s ridden his newly-modified sled, and he has high hopes for a record time … certainly a personal best, possibly an Olympic or World record!

sundaythe first run is for the two-Man Bobsleigh Olympic record. Polly-B held the stopwatch while Billi-B counted down to the start: ‘three, two, one, GO!’

at the ‘G’ of the ‘Go’ Wilson and antony were off down the track at a breathtaking speed, Polly and Billi cheering them on while tiny toy hid his face in his paws and whimpered pathetically on Billi’s lap.

surely a new record must be within their grasp!

MOndaythere is no official length for an Olympic Bobsleigh track, but the sochi track was almost 2km long. Wilson’s practice track is only about 20m so his time, although very fast, can not be officially ratified as a record, either World or Olympic - although he insists that this is a mere ‘technicality’ and his time of less than a minute should stand.

the exact time is not known because in the excitement of the finish Polly-B dropped the stopwatch. By the time she found it more than five minutes had elapsed, but everyone agreed that the time of the run was probably less than 60 seconds.

However, it is most certainly a Personal Best for Wilson, and also for antony who had never done it before!

the finish, it must be said, did not go precisely to plan, but only W’s pride was hurt when he fell off the bob, although he did bang his nose quite painfully on a tree trunk.

antony was thrown clear and was caught, entirely uninjured though quite shaken, and was pleased to be re-united with a very anxious tiny toy.

tuesdayas I said, Wilson’s only injury was to his pride. Oh, and a bump on his nose. nevertheless, he insisted on being stretchered home like a returning hero.

I hope that a jar of Giant Chocolate ant eggs will take the edge off his pain and disappointment...

WednesdayIs it just me, or do you agree that a triumphal open-top bus tour around uckfield, with Wilson, antony and his entire support crew waving from the top deck to celebrate his so-called ‘Olympic record’ bobsleigh run, is a bit excessive?

I’m trying to dissuade him, but everyone else is right up for it - especially antony, who says it would be ‘Well wicked!’

I think the decider will be that uckfield Bus Company doesn’t have any open-top buses.

tHursdayWith the easter weekend behind him, Wilson has returned to matters wedding-related. right now he is searching for the ideal wedding present for the betrothed bees. and he’s Very taken with these fine-chine plates he’s found - they’re decorated with fruit being eaten by a swarm of ants!

I suggested that since the recipients are bees, they might prefer plates decorated with, say, wild flowers, but W dismissed this suggestion, saying that the ant plates would remind the bees of him.

I asked him whether he’d like one of the plates for himself, perhaps for his birthday, but he declined.

‘I’d always be licking the plate, new dad - it would drive me mad. I’d never know if I’d finished my meal!’

the plates are available from: https://www.etsy.com/shop/LaPHILIe but Wilson says you must not buy them for the bees as they’re his idea!

FrIdayWith the wedding now barely a week away, Wilson consulted his timetable and told me that it was time to give the bees “the talk” and he was a bit nervous about it.

‘the talk? What talk?’ I asked, not taking his meaning.‘yes, the talk! tHe talk - you know, new dad,’ he rolled

his eyes briefly, ‘the Facts Of Married Life talk!’‘Oh, the sex talk!’ I replied.‘no, I was thinking more about budgeting, housekeeping,

generating strong passwords, safe use of public Wi-Fi, things along those... hang on, seX? What aBOut sex?’

saturdayWilson has taken the betrothed bees, Polly and Billi, into the conservatory to give them a talk on the Facts Of Life.

I don’t know what he’s telling them, but I can see that the bees are giggling and sometimes falling about with laughter, while Wilson is blushing almost constantly!

I can’t wait to hear his feedback on how it went!

sundayWhen Wilson had finished giving the girls their talk on the Facts Of Life, he emerged from the conservatory, shaken and agitated.

I sat him down in the dining room with a cup of strong tea with ants and asked him what had happened. He insisted that antony and tiny toy be shut out of the room as ‘they’re just too young to know this... this stuff! they just couldn’t handle it.

‘the bees told Me the Facts Of Life!’ he spluttered. ‘they already knew them, and they knew Way more than I did! they told me all about the birds. and the bees. It was terrible! It was totes GrOss! I can never un-know some of the stuff they told me! I’ve been traumatised - I may never sleep again...’

Oh dear.

MOndayagainst all expectations, given his recent traumatic experience, Wilson slept very well last night and was up bright and early this morning.

He has found a lovely hotel which, he said, specialises in bee honeymoons, and he has made a booking for Polly and Billi to stay there for a few days after the wedding.

that sounds perfect, though I must say it seems a very niche market for a hotel!

tuesdaythe atmosphere was electric with excitement and anticipation this morning when Wilson gathered everyone in the kitchen to announce the assignment of jobs for the wedding.

Both Polly and Billi were very relieved to discover that their jobs were ‘Bride’ but tiny toy threw a bit of a tantrum when he discovered that he was to be ‘Flower Girl’... he’d apparently set his heart on being ‘Best Man.’

Wednesdayantony’s tiny toy is not happy with his role as ‘Flower Girl’ and has asked Wilson whether his job title could be amended. He would like W to re-name his post ‘Chief Floral Operative’ or perhaps ‘Blossom Mechanic’ - or even ‘Flower BOy’ - but Wilson says he’s written the list now and it would be a shame to waste paper by re-writing it.

as a compromise, he suggested that maybe tiny toy, in addition to being Flower Girl, could help antony with his Best Man’s speech.

antony said he would like that as he hasn’t any idea what a Best Man does, let alone what a speech is.

W has received confirmation of his booking of the Honeymoon suite in the names of Miss Polly-B and Miss Billi-B, so at least that is under control.