lodge - hotel des boobs

8/19/2019 Lodge - Hotel Des Boobs

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David Lodge

HOTEL DES BOOBS

‘Hotel des Pins’ said Harry ‘More like Hotel des Boobs’

‘Come away from that window’, said Brenda ‘Sto behaving like a ‘Peeing !om’"

‘#hat d’yo$ mean, a Peeing !om’ said Harry %ontin$ing to stare down at the ool area

thro$gh the slats of their bedroom sh$tters" ‘& Peeing !om is someone who interferes with someoneelse’s riva%y’"

‘!his is a rivate hotel’"

‘Hotel des !its" Hotel des Bristols" Hey, that’s not bad'’ He t$rned his head to flash a grin a%rossthe room" ‘Hotel Bristols, in the l$ral, (eddit)’

*f Brenda got it, she wasn’t imressed" Harry res$med his wat%h" ‘*’m not interfering with

anyone’s riva%y,’ he said" ‘*f they don’t want eole to look at their tits, why don’t they %over them$)’

‘#ell go and look, then" Don’t ee" (o down to the ool and have a good look’" Brenda

dragged a %omb angrily thro$gh her hair" ‘Hold an inse%tion"’

Brenda snorted derisively"‘#hy not) +o$’ve nothing to be ashamed of' He t$rned his head again to leer en%o$ragingly at

her" ‘+o$’ve still got a fine air"’

‘!hanks very m$%h" *’m s$re"’ Said Brenda" ‘B$t * intend to kee them %overed as er $s$al"’‘#hen in ome"’ said Harry"

‘!his isn’t ome, it’s the C-te d’&.$r"’

‘C-te des !its"’ Said Harry" ‘C-te des /no%kers"’‘*f *’d known yo$ were going to go on like this,’ said Brenda, ‘*d never have %ome here"’

0or years Harry and Brenda had taken family holidays every s$mmer in ($ernsey, where

Brenda’s arents lived" B$t now that the %hildren were grown $ eno$gh to make their ownarrangements, they had de%ided to have a %hange" Brenda had always wanted to see the So$th of

0ran%e, and they felt they’d earned the right to treat themselves for on%e" !hey were 1$ite %omfortably

off, now that Brenda, a re%ent grad$ate of the 2en 3niversity, had a f$ll4time 5ob as a tea%her" *t had

%a$sed an agreeable stir in the managerial %anteen at Barnard Castings when Harry droed the nameof their holiday destination in among the Benidorms and Palmas, the Costas of this and that, whose

merits were being debated by his %olleag$es"

‘!he 0ren%h iviera, Harry)’‘+es, a little hotel near St" ahael, Brenda got the name o$t of a book"’

‘(oing $ in the world, aren’t we)’

‘#ell, it is ri%ey" B$t we tho$ght, well, why not be e6travagant, while we’re still yo$ng eno$gh

to en5oy it"’‘7n5oy eyeing all those toless birds, yo$ mean"’

‘*s that right) said Harry, with an inno%en%e that was not entirely feigned" 2f %o$rse he knew in

theory that in %ertain arts of the Mediterranean girls s$nbathed toless on the bea%h, and he had seen i%t$res of the henomenon in this se%retary’s daily newsaer, whi%h he fil%hed reg$larly for the sake

of s$%h ill$strations" B$t the reality had been a sho%k" 8ot so m$%h the romis%$o$s, anonymo$s

breastbaring of the bea%h, as the more intimate and so%ially %omle6 n$dity aro$nd the hotel ool"#hat made the ool different, and more dist$rbing was that the women who lay half4naked aro$nd its

erimeter all day were the same as those yo$ saw imma%$lately dressed for dinner in the evening, or

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David Lodge

nodded and smiled olitely at in the lobby, or e6%hanged small talk abo$t the weather with in the bar"

&nd sin%e Brenda fo$nd the tree4shaded ool, a few miles inland, infinitely referable to the heat and

glare and %rowdedness of the bea%h :not to mention the robable oll$tion of the sea;, it be%ame the rin%ial theatre of Harry’s initiation into the new %ode of mammary manners"

Harry < he didn’t mind admitting it < had always had a thing abo$t women’s breasts" Some men

went for legs, or b$ms, b$t Harry had always been what the boys at Barnard’s %alled a tit4fan%ier" ‘+o$were weaned too early,’ Brenda $sed to say, a diagnosis that Harry a%%eted with a %omla%ent grin" He

always glan%ed, a simle refle6 a%tion, at the b$st of any se6$ally interesting female that %ame within

his $rview, and had sent many idle moments se%$lating abo$t the shaes that were %on%ealed

beneath their sweaters, blo$ses and brassieres" *t was dis%on%erting, to say the least, to find thisharmless astime rendered totally red$ndant $nder the Proven=al s$n" He had s%ar%ely beg$n to assess

the fig$res of the women at the Hotel des Pins before they satisfied his %$riosity to the last ore"

*ndeed, in most %ases, he saw them half4naked before he met them, as it were, so%ially" !he snooty7nglishwoman, for instan%e, mother of twin boys and wife to the t$bby sto%kbroker never witho$t

yesterday’s 0inan%ial !imes in his hand and a sm$g smile on his fa%e" 2r the female artner of the

(erman %o$le who worshied the s$n with religio$s .eal, t$rning and anointing themselvesa%%ording to a stri%t timetable and with the aid of a 1$art. alarm" 2r the deely tanned br$nette of a

%ertain age whom Harry had rivately %hristened Carmen Miranda, be%a$se she soke an eager and

raid Sanish, or it might have been Port$g$ese, into the %ordless telehone whi%h the waiter &ntoine

bro$ght to her at fre1$ent intervals"Mrs" Snooty had hardly any breasts at all when she was lying down, 5$st boyish ads of what

looked like m$s%le, tied with f$nny little t$rned4$ niles that 1$ivered like the noses of two small

rodents when she stood $ and moved abo$t" !he (erman lady’s breasts were erfe%t %ones, smoothand firm as if t$rned on a lathe, and never seemed to %hange their shae whatever ost$re she adoted>

whereas Carmen Miranda’s were like two brown satin bags filled with a vis%o$s fl$id that ebbed and

flowed a%ross her rib4%age in %ontin$al motion as she t$rned and twisted restlessly on her mattress,awaiting the ne6t hone %all from her absent lover" &nd this morning there were a air of teenage girls

down by the ool whom Harry hadn’t seen before, re%lining side by side, one in green bikini ants and

the other in yellow, regarding their re%ently a%1$ired breasts, hemisheres smooth and flawless as 5ellymo$lds, with the 1$iet satisfa%tion of ho$sewives wat%hing s%ones rise"

‘!here are two new%omers today’, said Harry" ‘2r sho$ld * say, fo$r"’

‘&re yo$ %oming down)’ said Brenda, at the door" ‘2r are yo$ going to send the morning

eering thro$gh the sh$tters)’‘*’m %oming #here’s my book)’ He looked aro$nd the room for his ?a%k Higgins aerba%k"

‘+o$’re not making m$%h rogress with it, are yo$)’, said Brenda sar%asti%ally" ‘* think yo$

o$ght to move the bookmark every day, for aearan%e’s sake"’& book was %ertainly basi% e1$iment for dis%reet boob4wat%hing down by the ool@ something

to eer over, or ro$nd, something to look $ from, as if distra%ted by a s$dden noise or movement, at

the oort$ne moment, 5$st as the bird a few yards away slied her %ost$me off her sho$lders, or

rolled on to her ba%k" &nother essential item was a air of s$nglass, as dark as ossible, to %on%eal the re%ise dire%tion of one’s ga.e" 0or there was, Harry reali.ed, a roto%ol involved in tolessness" 0or a

man to stare at, or even let his eyes rest for a meas$rable san of time $on, a bared bosom, wo$ld be

bad form, be%a$se it wo$ld violate the f$ndamental rin%ile $on whi%h the whole ra%ti%e was based,namely, that there was nothing noteworthy abo$t it, that it was the most nat$ral, ne$tral thing in the

world" :&ntoine was arti%$larly skilled in managing to serve his female %lients %old drinks, or take

their orders for l$n%h, stooing low over their rone fig$res, witho$t seeming to noti%e their nakedness"; +et his rin%ile was belied by another, whi%h %onfined tolessness to the ool and its

margins" &s soon as they moved on to the terra%e, or into the hotel itself, the women %overed their

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David Lodge

$er halves" Did bare tits gain and lose eroti% val$e in relation to arbitrary territorial .ones) Did the

breast eagerly ga.ed $on, fondled and n$..led by h$sband, or lover in the riva%y of the bedroom,

be%ome an ob5e%t of indifferen%e, a mere anatomi%al rot$beran%e no more interesting than an elbow or knee%a, on the %on%rete rim of the swimming ool) 2bvio$sly not" !he idea was abs$rd" Harry had

little do$bt that, like himself, all the men resent, in%l$ding &ntoine, derived %onsiderable leas$re and

stim$lation from the tolessness of most of the women, and it was $nlikely that the women themselveswere $naware of this fa%t" Perhas they fo$nd it e6%iting, Harry se%$lated, to e6ose themselves

knowing that the men m$st not betray any sign of aro$sal> and their own menfolk might share, in a

vi%ario$s, rorietorial way in this e6%itement" 7se%ially if one’s own wife was better endowed than

some of the others" !o inter%et the admiring and envio$s gla%e of another man at yo$r wife’s boobs, tothink silently to yo$rself" ‘+es, all right mate, yo$ %an look as long as it’s not too obvio$s, b$t only *’m

allowed to to$%h’em, see)’ !hat might be very e6%iting"

Lying beside Brenda at the oolside, di..y from the heat and the %onsideration of these $..lesand arado6es, Harry was s$ddenly transfi6ed by an arrow of erverse desire@ to see his wife naked,

and l$st after her, thro$gh the eyes of other men" He rolled over on to his stoma%h and $t his mo$th to

Brenda’s ear"‘*f yo$’ll take yo$r to off,’ he whisered" ‘*’ll b$y yo$ that dress we saw in St" ahael" !he

one for twelve h$ndred fran%s"’

!he a$thor had rea%hed this oint in his story, whi%h he was writing seated at an $mbrella4shaded table on the terra%e overlooking the hotel ool, $sing a fo$ntain en and r$led fools%a, as was

his wont, and having a%%$m$lated many %an%elled and rewritten ages, as was also his wont, when

witho$t warning a owerf$l wind arose" *t made the ine trees in the hotel gro$nds shiver and hiss,raised wavelets on the s$rfa%e of the ool, kno%ked over several $mbrellas, and whirled the leaves of

the a$thor’s man$s%rit into the air" Some of these floated ba%k on to the terra%e, or the margins of the

ool, or into the ool itself, b$t many were f$nneled with astonishing seed high into the air, above thetrees, by the hot breath of the wind" !he a$thor staggered to his feet and gaed $nbelievingly at the

leaves of fools%a rising higher and higher, like es%aed kites, twisting and t$rning in the s$n, white

against the a.$re sky" *t was like the visitation of some god or daemon, a Pente%ost in reverse, drawingwoods away instead of imarting then" !he a$thor felt raed" !he female s$nbathers aro$nd the ool, as

if similarly %ons%io$s, %overed their naked breasts as they stood and wat%hed the whirling leavers of

aer re%ede into the distan%e" 0a%es were t$rned towards the a$thor, smiles of symathy mi6ed with

S%hadenfre$de" Bidden by the shar voi%e of their mother, the 7nglish twins s%$rried ro$nd the ool’sedge %olle%ting $ loose sheets, and bro$ght them with doggy eagerness ba%k to their owner" !he

(erman, who had been in the ool at the time of the wind, %ame $ with two sodden ages, %overed

with weeing longhand, held between finger and th$mb, and laid them %aref$lly on the a$thor’s table todry" Pierre, the waiter, resented another sheet on his tray" ‘C’est le etit mistral,’ he said with a mo$e

of %ommiseration" ‘$el dommage'’ !he a$thor thanked them me%hani%ally, his eyes still on the

airborne ages, now mere se%ks in the distan%e, sinking slowly down into the ine woods" &ro$nd the

hotel the air was 1$ite still again" Slowly the g$ests ret$rned to their lo$ngers and mattresses" !hewomen dis%reetly $n%overed their bosoms, renewed the ali%ation of &mbre Solaire, and res$med the

$rs$it of the erfe%t tan"

‘Simon' ?aser' Said the 7nglishwoman, ‘#hy don’t yo$ go for a walk in the woods and see if yo$ %an find any more of the gentlemans aers)’

‘2h, no,’ said the a$thor $rgently" ‘Please don’t bother" *’m s$re they’re miles away by now"

&nd they’re really not imortant"’‘8o bother’, said the 7nglishwoman" ‘!hey’ll en5oy it"’

‘Like a treas$re h$nt,’ said her h$sband" ‘2r rather, aer %hase"’



David Lodge

He %h$%kled at his own 5oke" !he boys trotted off obediently into the woods" !he a$thor retired

to his room, to await the ret$rn of his wife, who had missed all the e6%itement, from St" ahael"

‘*’ve bo$ght the most darling little dress,’ she anno$n%ed as she entered the room" ‘Don’t ask me how m$%h it %ost"’

‘!welve h$ndred fran%s)

‘(ood (od, no" 8ot as m$%h as that" Seven h$ndred and fifty, a%t$ally" #hat’s the matter, yo$look f$nny)’

‘#e’ve got to leave this hotel"’

He told her what had haened"

‘* sho$ldn’t worry,’ said his wife" ‘!hose little brats robably won’t find any more sheets"’‘2h yes they will" !hey’ll regard it as a %hallenge, like the D$ke of 7dinb$rgh &ward" !hey’ll

%omb the ine woods for miles aro$nd" &nd if they find anything, they’re s$re to read it"’

‘!hey wo$ldn’t $nderstand"’‘!heir arents wo$ld" *magine Mrs" Snooty finding her niles %omared to the nose tis of

small rodents"’

!he a$thor’s wife sl$ttered with la$ghter" ‘+o$ are a fool,’ she said"‘*t wasn’t my fa$lt,’ he rotested" ‘!he wind srang o$t of nowhere"’

‘&n a%t of (od)’

‘Pre%isely"’

‘#ell, * don’t s$ose He aroved of that story" * %an’t say * %ared m$%h for it myself" Howwas it going to end)’

!he a$thor’s wife knew the story retty well as far as he had got with it, be%a$se he had read it

o$t to her in bed the revio$s night"‘Brenda a%%ets the bribe to go toless"’

‘* don’t think she wo$ld"’

‘#ell, she does" &nd Harry is leased as P$n%h" He feels that he and Brenda have finallyliberated themselves, 5oined the sohisti%ated set" He imagines himself telling the boys ba%k at Barnard

Castings abo$t it, making them ribaldly envio$s" He gets s$%h a hard4on that he has to lie on his

stoma%h all day"’‘!$t, t$t'’ said his wife, ‘How %r$de"’

‘He %an’t wait to get to bed that night" B$t 5$st as they’re retiring, they searate for some reason

* haven’t worked o$t yet, and Harry goes $ to their room first" She doesn’t %ome at on%e, so Harry gets

ready for bed, lies down, and falls aslee" He wakes $ two ho$rs later and finds Brenda is stillmissing" He is alarmed and $ts on his dressing gown and sliers to go in sear%h of her" ?$st at that

moment, she %omes in" #here the hell have yo$ been) he says" She has a e%$liar look on her fa%e,

goes to the fridge in their room and drinks a bottle of Perrier water before she tells him her story" Shesays that &ntoine inter%eted her downstairs to resent her with a bo$1$et" *t seems that ea%h week all

the male staff of the hotel take a vote on whi%h female g$est has shaeliest breasts, and Brenda has

%ome ti of the oll" !he bo$1$et was a mark of their admiration and rese%t" She is distressed be%a$se

she left it behind in &ntoine’s room"’‘&ntoine’s room)’

‘+es, he had %oa6ed her into seeing his room, a little %halet in the woods, and gave her a drink,

and one thing led to another, and she ended $ letting him make love to her"’‘How imrobable"’

‘8ot ne%essarily" !aking off her bra in $bli% released some dormant streak of wantonness in

Brenda that Harry had never seen before" She is rather dr$nk and 1$ite shameless" She ta$nts him withgrahi% testimony to &ntoine’s skill as a lover, and %omares Harry’s genital e1$iment $nfavo$rably

to the 0ren%hman’s"’

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