logic: love is a fallacy (critical reading)

8/13/2019 Logic: Love Is A Fallacy (Critical Reading)

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Logic: Love is a Fallacy

By Max Schulman

This fascinating story with sparkling wit and dramatic dialogues could be seen as a pedagogical device to explain

some of the logical fallacies we tend to commit in our thinking and argumentation. A sensitive awareness of these

fallacies should save us from a lot of pointless controversies and irrational attitudes. It should also be of interest to

see the narrator trying to play the Pygmalion, and ending in a well-deserved fiasco.

Cool was I and logical. Keen, calculating, perspicacious, acute and astuteI was all of these. My brain was as

powerful as a dynamo, as precise as a chemists scales, as penetrating as a scalpel. Andthink of it!I was only

eighteen.

It is not often that one so young has such a giant intellect. ake, for eample, "etey #urch, my room$mate at the

%ni&ersity of Minnesota. 'ame age, same background, but dumb as an o. A nice enough fellow, you understand, but

nothing upstairs. (motional type. %nstable. Impressionable. )orst of all, a faddist. *ads, I submit, are the &ery

negation of reason. o be swept up in e&ery new cra+e that comes along, to surrender yourself to idiocy ust because

e&erybody else is doing itthis, to me, is the acme of mindlessness. -ot, howe&er, to "etey.

ne afternoon I found "etey lying on his bed with an epression of such distress on his face that I immediatelydiagnosed appendicitis. /0ont mo&e,1 I said. /0ont take a laati&e. Ill get a doctor.1

/2accoon,1 he mumbled thickly.

/2accoon31 I said, pausing in my flight. /I want a raccoon coat,1 he wailed.

I percei&ed that his trouble was not physical, but mental. /)hy do you want a raccoon coat31

/I should ha&e known it,1 he cried, pounding his temples. /I should ha&e known theyd come back when theCharleston came back. 4ike a fool I spent all my money for tetbooks, and now I cant get a raccoon coat.1

/Can you mean,1 I said incredulously, /that people are actually wearing raccoon coats again31

/All the #ig Men on Campus are wearing them. )here&e you been31

/In the library,1 I said, naming a place not fre5uented by #ig Men on Campus.

6e leaped from the bed and paced the room. /I&e got to ha&e a raccoon coat,1 he said passionately. /I&e got to!1

/"etey, why3 4ook at it rationally. 2accoon coats are unsanitary. hey shed. hey smell bad. hey weigh too much.

heyre unsightly. hey/

/7ou dont understand,1 he interrupted impatiently. Its the thing to do. 0ont you want to be in the swim31

/-o,1 I said truthfully.

/)ell, I do,1 he declared. /Id gi&e anything for a raccoon coat. Anything1

My brain, that precision instrument, slipped into high gear. /Anything31 I asked, looking at him narrowly.

/Anything1 he affirmed in ringing tones.

I stroked my chin thoughtfully. It so happened that I knew where to get my hands on a raccoon coat. My father had

had one in his undergraduate days8 it lay now in a trunk in the attic back home. It also happened that "etey hadsomething I wanted9 ecellent terms with "olly (spy. I had long known "olly (spy, but now I wanted to start meeting

her for a shrewdly calculated and an entirely cerebral reason.

I was a freshman in law school. In a few years I would be out in practice. I was well aware of the importance of the

right kind of spouse in furthering a lawyers career. "olly fitted these specifications perfectly, ecept one. )hilegraceful she was, intelligent she was not. In fact, she &eered in the opposite direction. #ut I belie&ed that under my

guidance she would smarten up. At any rate, it was worth a try. It is, after all, easier to make a beautiful dumb girl

smart than to make an ugly smart girl beautiful.

/)here are you going31 asked "etey, interrupting my train of thought.


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/6ome for the weekend.1 I threw a few things into the bag. /4isten,1 he said, clutching my arm eagerly, /while

youre home, you couldnt get some money from your old man, could you, and lend it to me so I can buy a raccoon

coat31

/I may do better than that1, I said with a mysterious wink and closed my long bag and left.

/4ook,1 I said to "etey when Igot back Monday morning. I threwopen the suitcase and re&ealed the huge, hairy

gamy obect that my father had worn in his 'tut+ #earcat in :;ee, that was a

delish dinner,1 she said as we left the restaurant. hen I took her to mo&ie. />ee that was a mar&y mo&ie,1 she said as

we left the theater. And then I took her home. />ee, I had a sensaysh time,1 she said as she bade me good night.

I went back to my room with a &ery hea&y heart. I had gra&ely underestimated the si+e of my task. his girls lack of

information was absolutely terrifying. -or would it be enough merely to supply her with information. *irst she had to

be taught to think. his loomed as a proect of no small dimensions, and at first I was tempted to gi&e her back to

"etey. #ut then I got to thinking about her abundant physical charms and about the way she entered a room and the

way she handled a knife and fork, and I decided to make an effort.

I went about it, as in all things, systematically. I ga&e her a course in logic. It happened that I, as a law student, wastaking a course in logic myself, so I had all the facts at my finger tips. /"olly,1 I said to her when I picked her up on

our net meeting, /tonight we are going o&er to the Knoll and talk.1

/o, terrif,1 she replied, as usual.

)e went to the Knoll, the campus trysting place, and we sat down under an old oak, and she looked at me

epectantly. /)hat are we going to talk about31 she asked.

/4ogic.1

'he thought this o&er for a minute and decided she liked it. /Magnif,1 she said.


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/4ogic,1 I said, clearing my throat, /is the science of thinking. #efore we can think correctly, we must first learn to

recogni+e the fallacies of logic. hese we will take up tonight.1

/)ow$dow!1 she cried, clapping her hands delightedly.

I winced, but went bra&ely on.

/*irst let us eamine the fallacy called 0icto 'implicitor1. #y all means, she urged, batting her lashes eagerly. /0icto

'impliciter means an argument based on an un5ualified generali+ation. *or eample9 (ercise is good. herefore

e&erybody should take eercise.1

/I agree,1 said "olly earnestly. /I mean eercise is wonderful. I mean it builds the body and e&erything.1

/"olly,1 I said gently, /the argument is a fallacy.xercise is goodis an un5ualified generali+ation. *or instance, if you

ha&e heart disease, eercise is bad, not good. Many people are ordered by their doctors notto eercise. 7ou mus

!ualifythe generali+ation. 7ou must say eercise isusuallygood, or eercise is goodfor most people.therwise you

ha&e committed a 0icto 'impliciter. 0o you see31

/-o,1 she confessed. /#ut this is mar&y. 0o more! 0o more!1

I continued. /-et we take up a fallacy called 6asty >eneral$i+ation. 4isten carefully9 7ou cant speak *rench. I cant

speak *rench. "etey #urch cant speak *rench. I must therefore conclude that nobody at the %ni&ersity of Minnesota

can speak *rench.1

/2eally31 said "olly, ama+ed. /"obody1

I hid my easperation. /"olly, its a fallacy. he generali+ation is reached too hastily. here are too few instances to

support such a conclusion.1

/Know any more fallacies31 she asked breathlessly. /his is more fun than dancing e&en.1

I fought off a wa&e of despair. I was getting nowhere with this girl, absolutely nowhere. 'till, I am nothing if not

persistent. I continued. -et comes "ost 6oc. 4isten to this9 4ets not take #ill on our picnic. (&ery time we take him

out with us, it rains,1

/I know somebody ust like that,1 she eclaimed. /A girl back home(lua #ecker, her name is. It ne&er fails. (&ery

single time we take her on a picnic/

/"olly,1 I said sharply. /its a fallacy. (ula #ecker doesnt causethe rain. 'he has no connection with the rain. 7ou

are guilty of "ost 6oc if you blame (ula #ecker.1/Ill ne&er do it again,1 she promised contritely. /Are you mad at me31

I sighed deeply. /-o, "olly, Im not mad.1

/hen tell me some more fallacies.1

/All right. 4ets try Contradictory "remises.1

/7es, lets,1 she chirped, blinking her eyes happily.

I frowned, but plunged ahead. /6eres an eample of Contradictory "remises9 If >od can do anything can 6e make astone so hea&y that 6e wont be able to lift it31

/f course,1 she replied promptly.

/#ut if 6e can do anything. 6e can lift the stone.1 I pointed out.

/7eah,1 she said thoughtfully. /)ell, then I guess 6e cant make the stone.1

/#ut 6e can do anything.1 I reminded her.

'he scratched her pretty, empty head. /Im all confused,1 she admitted.

/f course you are. #ecause when the premises of an argument contradict each other, there can be no argument. If

there is an irresistible force, there can be no immo&able obect. If there is an immo&able obect, there can be no

irresistible force. >et it31

/ell me some more of this keen stuff,1 she said eagerly.


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I consulted my watch. /I think wed better call it a night. Ill take you home now, and you go o&er all the things

you&e learned. )ell ha&e another session tomorrow night.1

I deposited her at the girls dormitory, where she assured me that she had had perfectly teriff e&ening, and I went

glumly home to my room. "etey lay snoring in his bed, the raccoon coat huddled like a great hairy beast at his feet

*or a moment I considered waking him and telling him that he could ha&e his girl back. It seemed clear that my

proect was doomed to failure. he girl simply had logic$proof head.

#ut then I reconsidered. I had wasted one e&ening8 I might as well waste another. )ho knew3 May be somewhere in

the etinct crater of her mind, a few embers still smoldered. May be somehow I could fan them into flame.

Admittedly it was not a prospect fraught with hope, but I decided to gi&e it one more try.

'eated under the oak the net e&ening I said, /ur first fallacy tonight is called Ad Misericordiam.1

'he 5ui&ered with delight.

/4isten closely,1 I said. /A man applies for a ob. )hen the boss asks him what his 5ualifications are, he replies that

he has a wife and si children at home, the wife is a helpless cripple, the children ha&e nothing to eat, no clothes to

wear, no shoes on their feet, there are no beds in the house, no coal in the cellar, and winter is coming.1 A tear rolled

down each of "ollys pink cheeks. /h, this is awful, awful,1 she sobbed.

/7es its awful,1 I agreed, /but its no argument. he man ne&er answered the bosss 5uestion about his

5ualifications. Instead he appealed to the bosss sympathy. 6e committed the fallacy of Ad Misericordiam. 0o you

understand31

/6a&e you got a handkerchief31 she blubbered.

I handed her a handkerchief and tried to keep from screaming while she wiped her eyes. /-et,1 I said in a carefully

controlled tone, /we will discuss *alse Analogy. 6ere is an eample9 'tudents should be allowed to look at theirtetbooks during eaminations. After all, surgeon ha&e ?$rays to guide them during an operation, lawyers ha&e briefs

to guide them during a trial, carpenters ha&e blueprints to guide them when they are building a house. )hy, then

shouldnt students be allowed to look at their tetbook during an eamination 31

/here now,1 she said enthusiastically, /is the most mar&y idea I&e heard in years.1

/"olly, I said testily, /the argument is all wrong. 0octors, lawyers, and carpenters arent taking a test to see how much

they ha&e learned, but students are. he situations are altogether different, and you cant make an analogy between

them.1

/I still think its a good idea,1 said "olly.

/-uts.1 I muttered. 0oggedly I pressed on. /-et well try 6ypothesis Contrary to *act.1

/'ounds yummy,1 was "ollys reaction. /4isten9 If madame Curie had not happened to lea&e a photographic plate in a

drawer with a chunk of pitchblende, the world today would not know about radium.1

/rue, true,1 said "olly, nodding her head. /0id you see the mo&ie3 h, it ust knocked me out. hat )alter "idgeon

is so dreamy. I mean he fractures me.1

/If you can forget Mr. "idgeon for a moment,1 I said coldly. /I would like to point out that the statement is a fallacy.

May be Madame Curie would ha&e disco&ered radium at some later date. May be somebody else would ha&e

disco&ered it. May be any number of things would ha&e happened. 7ou cant start with a hypothesis that is not trueand then draw any supportable conclusion from it.1

/hey ought to put )alter "idgeon in more pictures,1 said "olly. /I hardly e&er see him any more.1

ne more chance, I decided. #ut ust one more. here is a limit to what flesh and blood can bear. /he net fallacy is

called "oisoning the )ell.1

/6ow cute!1 she gurgled.

/wo men are ha&ing a debate. he first one gets up and says, @My opponent is a notorious liar. 7ou cant belie&e a

word that he is going to say ... -ow, "olly, think. hink hard. )hats wrong31

I watched her closely as she knit her creamy brow in concentration. 'uddenly a glimmer of intelligence the first I

had seen ... came into her eyes. /Its not fair,1 she said with indignation. /Its not a bit fair. )hat chance has the

second man got if the first man calls him a liar before he e&en begins talking31 /2ight !1 I cried eultantly. /ne


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hundred percent right. lts not fair. he first man haspoisoned the wellbefore anybody could drink from it. 6e has

hamstrung his opponent before he could e&en start....

"olly, Im proud of you. 7ou see these things arent so hard. All you ha&e to do is concentrate

hinkeaminee&aluate. Come now, lets re&iew e&erything we ha&e learned.1

/*ireaway.1 she said with an airy wa&e of her hand.

6eartened by the knowledge that "olly was not altogether a cretin, I began a long, patient re&iew of all I had told her.

&er and o&er and o&er again I cited instances, pointed out flaws, kept hammering away without let up. It was like

digging a tunnel. At first e&erything was work, sweat and darkness. I had no idea when I would reach the light, ore&enIfI would. #ut I persisted. I pounded and clawed and scraped, and finally I was rewarded. I saw a chink of light

And then the chink got bigger and the sun came pouring in and all was bright.

*i&e grueling nights this took but it was worth it. I had made a logician out of "olly8 I had taught her to think. My ob

was done.

'he was worthy of me at last. I determined to ac5uaint her with my feelings at our &ery net meeting./"olly,1 I saidwhen net we sat beneath our oak, /tonight we will not discuss fallacies. )e ha&e now spent fi&e e&enings together.

)e ha&e gotten along splendidly. It is clear that we are wellmatched.1

/6asty >enerali+ation,1 said "olly brightly.

/I beg your pardon,1 said I.

/6asty >enerali+ation,1 she repeated. /6ow can you say that we are well matched on the basis of only fi&emeetings31

I chuckled with amusement. he dear child had learned her lessons well. /My dear,1 I said, /*i&e meetings are

plenty. After all, you dont ha&e to eat a whole cake to know that its good.1

/*alse Analogy,1 said "olly promptly. /Im not a cake. Im a girl,1

I chuckled with somewhat less amusement. he dear child had learned her lessons perhaps too well. I decided to

change tactics. b&iously the best approach wasto be simple and direct. I paused for a moment while my massi&e

brain chose the proper words. hen I began9

/"olly, I wish to marry you. 7ou are the whole world to me, and the moon and the stars and the constellations of outer

space.)ithout you, life will be meaningless. I will languish. I will refuse my meals. I will wander the face of the

earth, a shambling, hollow$eyed hulk.1 here, I thought, folding my arms that ought to do it.

/Ad Misericordiam,1 said "olly.

I ground my teeth. *rantically I fought back the tide of panic surging through me. At all costs I had to keep cool.

/)ell, "olly,1 I said, forcing a smile, /you certainly ha&e learned your fallacies.1 /7oure darn right,1 she said with a

&igorous nod.

/And who taught them to you, "olly31

/7ou did.1

/hats right. 'o you do owe me something, dont you my dear3 If I hadnt come along you ne&er would ha&e learned

about fallacies.1

/6ypothesis Contrary to *act.1 she said instantly.

I dashed perspiration from my brow. /"olly,1 I croaked, /you mustnt take all these things so literally. I mean this is

ust classroom stuff. 7ou know that the things you learn in school dont ha&e anything to do with life.1

/0icto 'impliciter,1 she said, wagging her finger at me playfully.

hat did it. I leaped to my feet, bellowing like a bull. /)ill you or will you not go steady with me31

/I will not,1 she replied, /)hy not31 I demanded. /#ecause this afternoon I promised "etey #urch that I would go

steady with him.1

I reeled back o&ercome with the infamy of it. After he promised, after he made a deal, after he shook my hand! /he

rat1 I shrieked, kicking up great chunks of turf. /7ou cant go with him, "olly, 6es a liar. 6es a cheat. 6es a rat.1


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/"oisoning the )ell,1 said "olly, /and stop shouting. I think shouting must be a fallacy too.1

)ith an immense effort of will, I modulated my &oice. /All right,1 I said. /7oure a logician. 4ets look at this thing

logically. 6ow could you choose "etey #urch o&er me3 4ook at mean eceptionally brilliant student, a tremendous

intellectual, a man with an assured future. 4ook at "eteya knothead, a itterbug, a guy wholl ne&er know where his

net meal is coming from. Can you gi&e me one logical reason why you should go steady with "etey #urch31

/I certainly can,1 declared "olly. /6es got a raccoon coat.1

ASSIGNMENT

Critical Reading of Logic Lo!e i" a #allacy$

Exerci"e

%& 'rite do(n the gi"t of the "tory in your o(n (ord"&

)& Scan the "tory for the different ty*e" of logical fallacie" that are often committed in

thin+ing and argumentation&

,& Ex*lain "ignificance of the title of the "tory& 'hat ma+e"Logic: Love is a Fallacya !ery

intere"ting "tory-

.& 'hat i" the ironic t(i"t at the end of the "tory-

/& 'hat im*re""ion do you form a0out the character of the narrator of the "tory-

1& 'hat fallacie" do you come acro"" mo"t fre2uently in di"cu""ion" (ith your friend"-Gi!e exam*le"&

. 3a!e you e!er gotten into an argument that you (on4 or one that you lo"t- 3o( didyou (in or lo"e- 5id you commit any logical fallacie" in the *roce""-

logic: love is a fallacy (critical reading)

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