Marriageand

turning disagreement into growth

bySherylDeWitt,MitchTemple,RomieHurley,WilfordWootenandPhillipJ.Swihartfrom Focus on the Family®

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

Marriageand

turning disagreement into growth

bySherylDeWitt,MitchTemple,RomieHurley, WilfordWootenandPhillipJ.Swihart

This booklet is lovingly dedicated to the memory of Sheryl DeWitt who passionately committed herself to strengthening families.

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

introduction...................................................................................................... 6

isitoKtofight?................................................................................................ 8

HowcanWeWorkoutDisagreements?.............................................................. 00

WhenShouldWeagreetoDisagree?.................................................................. 21

WhatifWeHavealotofunresolvedconflicts?................................................... 25

Whatifanargumentgetsoutofcontrol?........................................................... 27

WhatiftheSameconflictsKeepcomingup?..................................................... 31

About the AuthorsSherylDeWittwasalicensedMarriageandfamilyTherapist,asareMitchTempleandWilfordWooten.RomieHurleyisalicensedProfessionalcounselor.PhillipJ.Swihart,Ph.D.isaclinicalpsychologist.

allScripturequotations,unlessotherwiseindicated,aretakenfromtheHolyBible,newinternationalVersion®.niV®.copyright©1973,1978,1984byinternationalBibleSociety.usedbypermissionofZondervanPublishingHouse.allrightsreserved.

adaptedfromComplete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage,afocusonthefamilybookpublishedbyTyndaleHousePublishers,carolStream,illinois60188.copyright©2006,focusonthefamily.

�

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

IntroductionMostmarriagesstartwiththedelightof“being

inlove”andhoneymoonexcitement.Thequestionis“whathappensnext?”Doesblissleadtoadjustment,compromisesandlearningtoreallyloveanotherpersonwhomayhaveverydifferentneedsandexpectations?ordoesitgivewaytopoorlyhandledconflict,powerstrugglesanddeepeningfrustrationandresentment?

oneyoungwomanputitthiswayabouthermar-riage:“ithoughtthefirstyearwouldbewonderful.itwashell.”Shewasjustbeginningtohaveaglimmerofhopethatsheandherhusbandwouldcrawloutofthathole.

itcanbeashocktofindthatneitherofyouseemstohaveanyconflictmanagementskills.asonecomediannoted,“Mywifeandineverfight;wejusthavemomentsofintensefellowship.”insteadofdealingconstructivelywiththeinevitabledisagreementsfoundinanymarriage,youmayquicklydevolveintoblaming,yellingandwithdrawing—atoxiccocktailthatcansendamarriagespiralingdownward.

Disagreementsariseoverallkindsofthings—fi-

nances,sex,priorities,in-laws,pregnancy,parentingandeventhespiritualdimensionofyourlifetogether.Manycouplesdidn’tdiscusstheseissueswhentheyweredating—resultinginconflictsthatmayleavelast-ingscarsintherelationship.

Dealingwithconflicttakestimeandeffort.Weliveinafast-foodculturewithasenseofentitlementtohavingeverythinghappenondemand.Butmarriagedoesn’tworkthatway.

TheapostlePauladvisedreadersto“workoutyoursalvationwithfearandtrembling”(Philippians2:12).asBibleteacheralistairBegghasnoted,weneedtodothesameinourmarriages.Manyspousesareblindsidedbythecomplexitiesofmarriedlife,havingassumedtheyinstantlyandnaturallyknowalltheyneedtoknowaboutmakingarelationshipwork.Beggsuggeststhatweshouldexpecttoworkoutthemarriagerelationship“withfearandtrembling”ratherthanbeingcockyanddeludedbythenotionthatitwillallcomeeasily.

Thisisabookletaboutworkingthingsout—trem-blingorotherwise.inthepagestofollowyou’llfind

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

�

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

answerstoquestionsaboutconflictcommonlyaskedbymarriedcouples.You’llprobablyfindsomeissuesyou’restrugglingwith.it’sourhopeandprayerthatthisbookwillbeasourceofhelpandencouragementonyourjourney.

—WilfordWootenandPhillipJ.Swihart

Is It OK to Fight?

inaword,no.Thatassumes“fighting”isn’tjustdisagreeingand

expressingnegativeemotions.Thosethingsareinevi-tableinamarriage.Butiffightingistryingtoresolvethosefeelingsandproblemsthroughabusivebehavior,it’sunhealthy.

conflictoccurswhentwopeoplehaveadifferenceofopinionthathasn’tbeenresolved.Thiscanhappenwhenyouandyourspousedisagreeoverwheretogofordinner,whosefamilytospendtheholidayswithorwhateachperson’schoreswerethisweek.allofthesearenormalmaritalconflictsthatcanbeworkedout.

Whenargumentsturnintoverbalorphysicalabuse,though,itisn’thealthyforanymarriage.ifyouconsistentlyattackyourspousewithstatementslike,“i’msorryimarriedyou,”“Youaresostupid,”and“ihateyou,”you’vemovedfromarguingtoabusing.

ifyouthrowthingsatyourspouse—pillows,silverware,pictures,vases—itonlyleadstomoreconflictandhurt.andyouneverhit,push,shove,kickorspitatyourspouse.Thisisphysicalabuse.notonlyisitimmoralandillegal,butitcausestremendousdam-agetoyourrelationship.ifthisisthewayyoudealwithconflict,youneedtoseekcounselingtolearnappropri-atewaystoreconcile.

Thoseappropriatewaysdon’tincludesimplysubmergingyourdifferencesinsteadofdealingwiththemhonestly.Manycouplestrytosidesteporhidetheirconflictbecausedisagreementscanbepainful.Thatleadssomespousestothinktheirownargumentsareabnormal.

“ineverseeothercouplesfight,”garytoldafriend.“itmakesmefeellikeKatieandihaveabadmarriage.”garydoesn’trealizethatsomecouples

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

�

sharetheirconflictsopenly,whileothersaremoreprivate.Somecouplesappeartohavenoconflicts,butintimetheyoftenhavedistressintheirmarriagesbecausetheyhavejustinternalizedconflictandallowedhurtandresentmenttobuild.Theirangermayexplode,doingincredibledamagetotherelationship.

ahusbandwe’llcallPaulwasonewhotriedtosuppressconflictbecausehefearedfighting.“ifellinlovewithlucybecauseweneverfoughtbeforewegotmarried,”hetoldhisaccountabilitygroup.“iamsoafraidofdivorcebecauseofmyparents.Theyfoughtallthetimeandlookwhereitledthem.iflucyandicontinuetofight,i’mafraidwe’llenduplikemyfolks.”

contrarytowhatPaulbelieved,divorceismostcommonwhenconflictishiddenorunresolved—notwhenit’sdealtwithopenly.conflictinitselfdoesn’tleadtodivorce.lackofresolutionhasbroughtdivorceatworstandunhappymarriagesatbest.

conflictresolutionmaysoundcomplicated,butit’spossible.it’saskillthatrequiresthecommitmentofbothspousesandcanberefinedwithpractice.

Hereare10thingstorememberaboutresolving

conflictwithoutfighting.1. Deal with disagreements as soon as possible.

confrontissuesastheyarise.Thelongeraconflictstews,thelargertheissuebecomes;timetendstomagnifyahurt.astheBiblesays,“Donotletthesungodownwhileyouarestillangry,anddonotgivethedevilafoothold”(ephesians4:26).

2. Be specific.communicateclearlywhattheissueis.Don’tgeneralizewithwordslike“never”or“always.”Whenyou’revague,yourspousehastoguesswhattheproblemis.Trysomethinglike,“itfrustratesmewhenyoudon’ttakethetrashoutonMondays,”ratherthan,“Youneverdowhatyousayyou’regoingtodo.”

3. Attack the problem, not the person.lashingoutatyourspouseleaveshimorherhurtanddefensive.Thisworksagainstresolvingconflict.Yourgoalisreconciliationandhealinginyourrelationship.letyourmatehearwhattheproblemisfromyourpointofview.Say

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

somethinglike,“i’mfrustratedthatthebillsdidn’tgetpaidontime,”insteadof,“You’resoirresponsibleandlazy.Youneverpayanythingontime.”

4. Express feelings.use“i”statementstoshareyourunderstandingoftheconflict:“ifeelhurtwhenyoudon’tfollowthrough.”“itmakesmeangrywhenyouteasemeinfrontofyourfriend.”avoid“you”statementslike,“You’resoinsensitiveandbossy.”

5. Stick with the subject at hand.Mostpeoplecandealwithonlyoneissueatatime.un-fortunately,manyspousesbringtwoorthreeissuestoanargument,tryingtoreinforcetheirpoint.Thisconfusestheconfronta-tionanddoesn’tallowforunderstandingandresolution.it’sbettertosay,“ithurtmyfeelingswhenyoudidn’tincludemeinyourconversationduringdinnerwithourfriends,”ratherthan,“Youneverincludeanyone,youalwaysthinkofyourself.Wheneverwe’rewithotherpeople,youalwaysignoreme.everyone

thinksyou’reselfish.”6. Confront privately.Doingsoinpubliccould

humiliate—oratleastembarrass—yourspouse.Thiswillimmediatelyputhimorheronthedefensiveandshutdownanydesiretoreconcile.

7. Seek to understand the other person’s point of view.Trytoputyourselfinyourspouse’sshoes,anexercisethatcanleadtounder-standingandrestoration.That’swhatMiawasdoingwhenshetoldhersister,“Jeffhadaharddayattheofficetoday.Hisbosschewedhimout.That’swhyhe’squieterthannormal,soididn’ttakeitpersonally.iknowwheni’vehadahardday,ineedtimeformyself,too.”

8. Set up a resolution plan.afterthetwoofyouhaveexpressedyourpointsofviewandcometoanunderstanding,shareyourneedsanddecidewheretogofromhere.Thatmightmeansayingsomethinglike,“inthefuture,itwouldhelptodiscusswithmehowwe’llspendoursavings—ratherthantellingme

11

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

12

afterthefact.”9. Be willing to admit when you’re wrong.Some-

timesaconflictoccursbecauseoneperson’sbehaviorwasinappropriate.Bewillingtocon-fessandaskforgivenessfromyourspouseifyou’vewrongedherorhim.Thatprocesscanhelptohealthedamageinyourrelationship.Trysomethinglike,“i’msorryiwasunkindtoyou.Willyoupleaseforgiveme?”ifyou’retheoffendedspouse,begraciousenoughtoacceptyourspouse’sapology.

10. Remember that maintaining the relationship is more important than winning the argument.Winninganargumentattheexpenseoflosingtherelationshipisadefeatforbothofyou.findingasolutionthatbenefitsbothspousesletseverybodywin.

Whatifthetwoofyoujustcan’tseemtofindthatsolution?Whenyoucan’tgetpastaspecificconflict,seekthehelpofacounselor.

fightingisn’thealthy,butconflictisn’talwaysbad.

infact,itcanbeatoolforstrengtheningrelationships.Whenconflictishandledcorrectly,twopeoplesharetheirheartswitheachother,tryingtolistenandbeheardwhileconnectingonadeeplevel.Whenyoudealwithconflictinacaringandpositiveway,theresultcanbeadeeperrelationshipandgreaterintimacy.

“inyourangerdonotsin”(ephesians4:26).godknewthatwe’dhaveangerandconflictinourrelationships.Butangerisn’tasinaslongasweseektoresolvetheconflict.

“ifitispossible,asfarasitdependsonyou,liveatpeacewitheveryone”(Romans12:18).insteadoffight-ing,areyoudoingyourparttoreconcileandrestoreyourrelationshipwithyourmate?

—SherylDeWitt

How Can We Work Out Disagreements?Whetheryou’vebeenmarriedfiveyearsorfive

months,you’vehaddisagreementswithyourspouse.Havingthemisnottheissue.Therealissueiswhether

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

14

youcandealwiththeminahealthywayornot.Destructivepatternsofdisagreementcanleavebehindemotionalscarsthatneverheal.

Mostcouplesthinktheirclashesareunique,butconflicthasbeenaroundsinceadamandeve.insteadoflearningfromourancestors’mistakesthough,wetendtocopythem.ifMomscreamedandthrewcorn-ingWareatDadwhenshewasangry,daughterwilltendtodothesameinherownmarriage.ifDadwithdrewbywatchingTVeverytimeconflictarose,sonwillbeinclinedtofollowhisexample.

nomatterwhatwasmodeledbyyourparents,however,youcanreframeyourthinking.Youcanrealignthewayyouhandledisagreementstobetterreflectthepatterngodwantstosee.

canyouimagineJesusdealingwithdisagree-mentsasweoftendowithourspouses?HowwouldHefeelaboutthewayyoutreatyourmateduringaheatedargument?

“Butthat’sjustthewayiam,”youmightsay.“Besides,myspousekeepsprovokingme!”insteadofjustifyingourbehavior,weneedtodiscoverhowto

properlyreacttodisagreementsnomatterhowintensetheymaybeorwho’satfault.

eachtimeyouworkoutadisagreementinahealthyway,you’rebetterequippedtodealwiththenextone.conflicthandledproperlycanfine-tuneare-lationship:“asironsharpensiron,soonemansharpensanother”(Proverbs27:17).

Resolvingdisagreementscanalso“unstick”acouple,movingthetwoofyoutonewlevelsofintimacyandgrowth.Someoftheclosestmomentsacouplecanexperienceoftenarriveafterresolvingconflicts.it’slikealightningstormonawarmsummernight;thoughthelightningitselfmaybescary,ithelpstocleantheair.negativelychargedionsproducedbythestormattachthemselvestopollutants,whichfalltotheground.That’swhytheairsmellssocleanatthosetimes.

Thesameistruewhenyoudealwithdisagree-mentsinanappropriateway.evenifthediscussionisloudandanimated,itcanhelptoridrelationshipsofcontaminantsandmoveyouinapositivedirection.

Tounderstandhowtohandledisagreementseffec-tively,let’sfirstlookatsometechniquesthatdon’twork.

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

1. Denial.Whyaresomanymarriedwomeninoursocietydepressed?Quiteafewpsycholo-gistsbelieveit’sbecausetheydon’tfeelfreetodiscussfrustrationsanddisagreementswiththeirhusbands.That’sbecausehus-bandstendtodenysuchproblemsandrefusetoconfrontthem.

Somemensimplydon’tknowhowtodeal

withdisagreementsproperly,butmanyhavediscoveredapayoffinnotresolvingconflict.Theycanmaintaincontrolbyrefusingtodiscussproblems,keepingtheirwivesguess-ingaboutthestateoftheirrelationship.Wivesthenholdbackbecausethey’vediscoveredthatkeepingpeacewiththeirhusbandskeepsthemeninagoodmoodandincreasesthechancesofintimacy.

Thisisnotahealthyapproach.failingtoresolvedisagreementsaffectsourrelation-shipsasarthritisdoesourbodies;itimpairs

movement,slowsusdownandcausesalotofpain.Theonlywaytodealwith“relationalarthritis”istodevelophealthyresponsestoconflict.

2. Downplaying.Thisisthe“oh,it’snothing”response.Thisoftenhappenswhenyoufeelthatdealingwiththeissueisanexerciseinfutility.Youtellyourselfthatthingswillonlyturnoutlikebefore—withyourspousenotlisteningandwithbothofyouupset.

Butdownplayingthesignificanceofaproblemdoesn’tmakeitgoaway.itonlysetsanegativeprecedentfordealingwithfuturedisagreements.

3. Exaggeration.Don’tmakeadisagreementbiggerthanitis.noteveryminorirritationanddifferenceinperspectivehastobedissectedand“puttorest.”Doesitreallymatterifyourspousedoesn’tshareyourenthusiasmfor

15

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

1�

sweetpicklesandTheThreeStooges?Doeseitherofyouhavetowinadebateoverwhichbrandofpapertowelorroutetoyourchurchisbest?

4. Nagging.Don’tfallpreytotheideathatpickingafightisthebestwaytogetyourspouse’sattentionanddealwithadis-agreement.constantnaggingisacommonexampleofsucherroneousthinking.

adadwaswatchingtheatlantaBravesonTVonedaywhenhisfour-year-oldcameupandwantedtowrestle.Justtoseehowtheboywouldrespond,thefatherignoredhimandstaredatthegame.Thechildmadefaces,wavedandjumpedupanddown,butDadgavenoresponse.finallytheboyknockedonhisfather’sforeheadandasked,“Hey,Dad,areyouinthere?”

lesson:it’sbettertodoalittlegentle“knock-

ing”thantoinciteariottogetyourmate’sat-tention.“agentleanswerturnsawaywrath,butaharshwordstirsupanger”(Proverbs15:1).

5. Resurrecting the dead.Bringinguplifelessis-suesfrompreviousdisagreementsonly“stirsthestink.”Perhapsthat’swhytheapostlePaulwrotethatlove“keepsnorecordofwrongs”(1corinthians13:5).

Whenadisagreementisover,it’sover!Don’trehasholdarguments.Somecounselorssug-gestthatcouplesshouldn’tbringupanissuethat’smorethanamonthortwoold.inotherwords,don’tgethistoricalinyourmarriagebycontinuallybringingupthepast!

Somuchforthedon’ts.Herearesomepositivewaystodealwithdisagreementsinyourmarriage.

1. Pick the right time and place.getawayfromthetelephone,TV,pager,e-mail,andotherdistractions.Pickasoothing,peacefulenvi-

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

1�

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

ronment;aSaturdayshoppingtripatSam’sclubisn’tagoodtimeorplacetoresolvecon-flict!neitheraremomentswhenyou’regoingoutthedoor,sittingdowntodinnerorlyingdownforagoodnight’srest.

Bewillingtosay,“iagreethatthisisimpor-tant,butweneedtowaituntillatertotalkaboutit.let’sgoouttomorrownight.”allow-ing24hourstocooldownandthinkisoftenawisealternativeanyway.

2. Be prepared.understandthatemotionaleventslikebirthdays,weddings,holidays,anniversariesandgraduationsareanaturalbreedinggroundfordisagreements.Peopletendtobe“wiredandtired”;littlesparkscanignitebigfires.Trytogetplentyofrestbeforetheseevents,andgiveyourspouseextragraceandforgiveness.

3. Talk about yourself. Whendiscussing

disagreements,learntouse“i”statementssuchas“ithink”or“ifeel”—ratherthan“yousay”or“youalways.”“You”accusationsareusuallymeanttohurt,nottobringpeaceandunderstanding.

4. Listen more than you talk.Seektounder-standwhereyourpartneriscomingfrom,evenwhenyoumaynotagreewithhisorherviewpoint.learntolisteninsteadofjusttryingtofigureoutwhatyou’regoingtosaynext.

Temperandcontrolwhatyouthinkyouhavearighttosay,too.asogdennashputit,“Tokeepyourmarriagebrimmingwithloveinthelovingcup,wheneveryou’rewrong,admitit;wheneveryou’reright,shutup.”

5. Keep your fingers to yourself.Pointingfingersmaybeacceptablewhencorrectingtoddlersorpets,butit’snothealthybetweenspouses.Pointingisaformofattacking,indicatingthat

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

therecipienthasdonesomethingterriblywrong—whichoftenisn’tthecase.andnoone,includingyourspouse,likestohaveafingerwaggedinhisorherface.

6. Keep your arguments out of the bedroom. That’saplaceforunityandintimacy,nothashingoutdifferences.Don’tusesex(orlackthereof)tomanipulateyourpartner.Sexwasneverdesignedtobeusedasaweapon,withheldwithoutmutualconsent(1corinthi-ans7:3-5).

7. Remember that it’s your problem, too.it’stemptingtosay,“idon’thavetheproblem,youhavetheproblem!”Butifthere’stroubleinyourrelationship,itbelongstobothofyou!

You’reavitalpartofamarriage system.Whenonepartofthesystemisoutofkilter,itthrowstheentiresystemoffbalance.it’sliketouchingamobilehangingoverababycrib;

disturbpartofit,andyouaffectthewholething.

Whenyouviewyourspouse’sproblemasyourown,you’remuchmorelikelytogetseri-ousabouthelpingtoworkitout.Thismakesa“win-win”—ratherthanan“iwin,youlose”scenario—morelikely.

8. Learn to see through conflict.Searchfortherealissuesthatoftenliebeneaththesurface.Say,“Waitaminute.Wekeeparguingaboutallkindsofirrelevantstuff.What’stherealproblemhere?”

9. Bring God into the conversation.askHimforwisdomwhenyoucan’tseemtofindtheanswers(James1:5-6).andifthetwoofyouarechristians,nothingwillputaheatedargu-menton“pause”morequicklythantwosmallwords:“let’spray!”

1�

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

21

10. Remember your vows.Don’tthreatendivorceduringconflict.Threatswillonlyintensifythepain—andleavescars.“forbetterorworse”willnotbestrickenfromyourvowssimplybecauseyou’reinthemiddleofamajordisagreement.

areyouandyourspousedisagreeing?lookformutuallybeneficialsolutionsthatresolvethetension.iftheconflictistoointensetohandle,orifonespousegetsextremelyemotional,callatime-outuntilyou’vebothcalmeddown.ifthatdoesn’thelp,involveacoun-selortoassistyouingettingperspective.

Youcan’teliminatedisagreementsinyourrelationship.Butbytakingaproactiveapproachearlyinyourmarriage,youcanlearntoaddressconflictinawaythatmakeseveryone—includingthelord—smile.

—MitchTemple

When Should We Agree to Disagree?Somecouplesthinkeverydifferenceofopinionin

amarriagehastobesettled.Theyfeardisasterlurkswhenspousesdoesn’tagreeoneveryissue.

frankandloisknowbetter.it’sbedtime,andthetwoofthemareonceagain

apologizingtoeachotherforanargumenttheyhadearliertoday.Theyalmostgetthegiggleswhentheyrealizehowstupiditwas.Theycanhardlyrememberthesubject—somethingabouttheirupcomingvaca-tion.Bothwereveryupsetandhurtbywhatwassaid,whateveritwas.

alongtimeagofrankandloismadeapacttonevergotobedmad,whichisgood.Butthey’vewastedthebetterpartofthedaybeingupsetoversomethingtheycanbarelyrecall—aconflictaboutwhichtheycouldhaveagreedtodisagree.

it’shardtoguesshowmanyargumentscouldbeavertedifcoupleswouldprayabouttheirdifferencesandletthemgo.Thisishardtodo,sincemostofuswanttobe“right”andjustifyourbehavior.

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

22

Manycouples,especiallychristians,assumethatifthey’retrulycompatibleandinlovethey’llagreeonpracticallyeverything.Theymayeventhinkthatdis-agreementisasignofdriftingapart—orthatagreeingtodisagreemeanssettlingforsecondbest.

That’safaultyjudgmentbasedonanunrealisticexpectation.

Differencesareusuallywhatattractpartnerstooneanother.ifyoudoubtthat,takeapersonalitytestfromacounselor—whichcanbefun—andhighlightthedifferencesthatenrichyourrelationship.Sharingallopinionsandpreferencesisn’tgoingtohappen,andyouwouldn’twantitto.agreeingtodisagree,whenit’sappropriate,isrealistic—andcanhelpeachofyouappreciatetheother’suniqueness.

ifyouhavechildren,agreeingtodisagreealsocansetagoodexampleforthem.Watchingyougivesthemabroaderperspective.childrenaren’tusuallyconfusedorupsetbyparentsdisagreeing,butmayfeelthreatenedbythebehaviortheyobservewhenthere’snoresolutionofaconflict.

Sowhenshouldyouagreetodisagree?andwhen

shouldyou“sticktoyourguns”?Theanswerstothosequestionswilldependonthe

importanceyouattachtoeachissue.Therearecertaindecisionssuchashavingchildren,settinglifegoalsandchoosingwheretolivethatmayrequireoutsidehelptonegotiateifyoucan’tagree.othercases—whethertohavepets,wheretogoonvacation,howmuchtospendondiningout,whocleansthebathrooms—maybeeasiertoworkoutonyourown.Thekeyseemstobeyourwillingnesstonotgetdefensivenortoinsiston“winning.”

Sometimesagreeingtodisagreeisachoicetoac-ceptyourspouse’spreferenceoutofrespectorlove.forexample,Dandoesn’treallywanttohaveasecondchildatthistime.ButhiswifeBonniedoes.afterdiscussingit,Dantellsherthathewon’tstandinthewayofherenthu-siasm;he’llsupportandloveherwithoutresentment.

Butwhenadisagreementcan’tberesolvedandeitherofyouharborsresentmentthatinterfereswithyourrelationship,agreeingtodisagreemayonlybe“stuffing”feelings.ifthathappens,gethelpsothattheresentmentcanbereleased.

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

24

Veryfewdisagreementsareworthfightingfor.Buttherearehealthywaystoexpressyourdesiresandnegotiateresolution.Whenyoumakearequestwithrespectandanopenmind,yourchancesofbeingheardarethatmuchgreater.

Herearesomeprinciplestokeepinmindwhenitcomestodealingwithdisagreements.

1. Don’texpecttoagreeoneverything.2. conveyyourdesirewithoutangerandwithout

havingtobe“right.”3. askyourselfifyou’rebeingselfish.4. Rememberthatyourrelationship,notthe

issue,ismostimportant.5. Trynottotakethingstoopersonally.6. Rememberthatbuildingarelationshiptakes

time.7. forgive,forgive,forgive.8. Keepasenseofhumor.

Whendisagreementsarise,tryusingthatasacheck-list.ofteniftheseprinciplesreflectyourattitude,you’llfinditeasiertoletgooftheissueyou’vebeenstrugglingwith.

let’ssaythatfrankandloislovetogoouttodinnerandamovie.Butfranklikesactionmoviesandloislikesromanticcomedies.frankwouldrathertakepoisonthanwatcharomanticcomedy;loiswouldratherbeskinnedalivethanseeanactionfilm.iftheycompromisebytakingturns,onepersonalwaysloses.Howcantheyagreetodisagree?

first,theygiveeachotherpermissionnottoagreeoneverything.Thentheylistentoeachotherwithoutjudging.Theyfeelsecureintheknowledgethatthey’renottryingtochangeeachother,andthateachhasachoicetoactinalovingwayevenwhenthetwoofthemhavedifferentperspectives.

Theybrainstormsomecreativeoptions.finallytheydecidethatthey’llgoouttodinner,thenpickacineplexwhereeachcanseethemovieofhisorherchoice.

itmaynotbetheperfectsolution,andtheymaychangetheirmindsaftertryingthisapproach.Butitbeatsarguingoverissuestheycan’tevenrememberattheendoftheday.

—RomieHurley

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

25

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

What If We Have a Lot of Unresolved Conflicts?

afteronlytwoyearsofmarriage,nancyandJohnarelivingveryseparatelives.

Theproblem?neitherofthemlikesconflict,sotheyavoideachother.

nancypoursherselfintohobbiesandcaringfortheirnine-month-oldson.Johnisstayinglateratwork,andoftengoesstraightfromtheretothehealthclub.onthosenights,hedoesn’tevenseenancyorhissonbeforetheygotobed.usingtheexcusethathedoesn’twanttodisturbhiswife,hesleepsonthecouch.

Johnandnancycan’trememberwhentheylasthadanightouttogether.Theirsexualintimacyhasdwindledtolessthantwiceamonth,withlittletender-nessorjoy.Bothareconcernedabouttheirmarriage,butfeelimmobilizedbythefearofgettingangry,gettinghurtorhurtingeachother.

MaybeyoucanidentifywithnancyandJohn.unresolvedconflictishangingoveryourmarriagelikeathundercloud,threateningastormyoudon’twant

tobrave.Perhapsyou’vealwaysresisteddiscussingproblems.oryoureffortstoresolvedifferenceshaveendedinicysilenceorshoutingmatches,experiencesyoudon’tcaretorepeat.

notresolvingconflictmaygiveaninitialfeelingofpeaceorharmony,butit’slikeawoundthathealsonthesurfacewhenunderneaththere’saninfectionthatneedstobereleased.nooneenjoyslancingthewound,butrealrecoverycan’ttakeplaceotherwise.

fearofconflictcanstemfromhavingexperiencedtoomuchofitasachild—orfromneverhavingseenany.Someparentssheltertheirchildrentoomuchbynotrevealingdisagreementsnordemonstratinghowtheycanberesolved.othersdisplayonlythearguments,notshowingtheprocesswherebydisagreementsareworkedout,leadingtoafearoftheunknown.

inthecaseofJohnandnancy,itwouldbegoodtosharetheirchildhoodexperienceswithconflictandwhattheirexpectationswereformarriage.Theymaydiscoverthattheirexpectationswereunrealisticormistaken—forexample,thinkingthatchristiansmustneverargueordisagree.

2�

Howcouplesdealwithconflictisoneofthegreatestpredictorsofwhetherornotamarriagewillendindivorce.inmostmarriages,conflictresolutionisinitiatedbythepartnerwho’smoreassertiveormoreofapursuerphysicallyandverbally.Thatcanatleastbringsituationstothetable,butthehealthiestscenariorequiresfreedomforbothspousestostartconversa-tionsonareasofconcern.

Whenbothpartnersaren’tassertiveorfearconflictorlacktheskillstodealwithit,resentmentcanbuildquicklyfromtheproverbialmolehillintoamoun-tain.it’scrucialtogetoutsidehelpinthatcase;you’redealingnotonlywithpersonalityissues,butmostlikelyalifelongpatternofavoidance.agoodfamilytherapist,orapastorwhohastimeandexpertisetoworkwithyouonanongoingbasis,couldcoachyou.

Whenunresolvedconflictsareimmobilizingyourmarriage,yourgoalshouldbeto“getunstuck.”Herearefivestepsinthatdirection.

1. forgiveyourspouse.2. Praytogether.3. appreciateeachotherinatangibleway

(cards,gifts,specialmeals,etc.).4. Discoverandconfessstubbornnessandthe

desiretobe“right.”5. gethelpfromawisementororcounselor.

inthecaseofnancyandJohn,ittookacrisistogetthemtoatherapist.nancygrewseverelydepressedandendedupinthehospital.John’sconcernforher,alongwithherdoctor’sprescription,drovethemtoseeachristiancounselor.

afterworkingwiththetherapistforseveralmonths,nancyandJohnarelessafraidofconflict.Theyknowthere’sstillalongroadahead,butareencouragedbyhowhonestlythey’reexpressingtheirfeelings—especiallywhentheyrememberhowcarefullytheyusedtoavoidthat.

inaddition,nancyhasbeenworkingoutatthehealthclubwithJohntwiceaweek—whiletheirsonstayswithJohn’sparents.Theygoouttoeatonthosenights,andfindtheyhaveenergyandexcitementforintimacy—andstayinguplaterthanusual.

—RomieHurley

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

What If an Argument Gets Out of Control?

onceagain,SueandKenhavegonetobedangry.eachliesasfaroveronhisorhersideofthebedasishumanlypossible.

SueisthinkingabouttheterriblethingsKensaidtoher,andhowafraidshewas.She’llspendmostofthenightunabletosleep,rememberingalltheirfightsinalmostthreeyearsofmarriage.

Ken,meanwhile,isexhausted.HethinksabouthowunreasonableSueis.Then,suddenly,hefallsasleep.

Somecouples,likeKenandSue,haveahabitoflettingargumentsgetoutofcontrol.othersfindithappeningonlyonceinawhile.Stillotherstrynevertoraiseanysensitivesubjects,fearingtheresultingargumentwilldegenerateintoaverbalbattlethatleadsinevitablytodivorce.

Whydoargumentsspinoutofcontrol?Hereareseventhingscouplesneedtounderstandaboutdisagreementsthatgooffthedeepend.

1. Spousesbecomeirrationalformanyreasons.itcanstemfromfeelingoverwhelmed,threat-ened,provoked,criticizedorjustmisunder-stood.Theemotionsmaynotbewrong,buttheirout-of-controlexpressioncanbe.astheBiblesays,“afoolgivesfullventtohisanger,butawisemankeepshimselfundercontrol”(Proverbs29:11).

2. Somepeopleseemonlytoogladtolosecontrolduringanargument.There’sakindofadrenalinerushthatcomeswithexpress-inganger,anditcanbeaddictive.That’sonereasonKencouldfallasleepeasilyoncehecameoffthe“high”oftheargument;theadrenalinedepletionhadwornhimout.

3. fearingout-of-controlargumentscancauseaspousetoburyhisorherfeelings,soasnottoprovoketheotherperson.Thatmayworkintheshortrun,butignoringexplosiveissueswon’tworklong-term.They’lleventuallycometoahead.

27

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

2�

4. awifetendstoremembersituationsmuchlongerthanahusbanddoes,andthedangerofherdredgingupthepastisnotonlyrealbutcommon.Thisisoverwhelmingtothespousewhotendstoforget,orwantstoforget,thingssaidanddoneinanger.

5. Bothaggressiveandpassive/aggressivebehaviorcanbedangerous.inmostcouples,onespousetendstobemoreofanaggressivepursuerinarguments.Thispersonusuallygetsmoreoftheblamebecauseheorsheiseasytoidentify.Butthepassive,quietermatewhonagsorblamesisoftenjustasdestructive.

Here’sanexampleofapassive/aggressivestatement:“iknowhowsmartyouare,butyou’llneverreallybeabletogetagoodjobsinceyoudidn’tfinishyourdegree.”Thisbehaviorishardertoidentifythanoutrightaggression;eventhepersonwhousesitmaynotseetheneedtorepentandchange.

6. Bullyinginarelationshipcanbeintimidating,butit’simportantnottorunfromthreats.it’sbettertofindaconstructivewaytodealwiththebullyingandavoidlivinginfear.Therearetimeswhenagentlespiritcanturnawaywrath(Proverbs15:1),butthisispresentedintheBibleasanintentional,positiveact—notonemotivatedbyfearofprovokingsomeonetoanger.

7. PhysicalviolenceisneveroK.Threatsofphysicalviolencemustbehandledimme-diately.ifyoufeelthreatened,gettoasafeplace.Putdistancebetweenyouandthepersonendangeringyou;callthepoliceifnecessary.

Physicalviolencedoesn’tstopwithoutinter-vention.abusersmustlearntomanageanger.oncethedangerispast,insistoncounseling.also,educateyourselfaboutabusecyclesandhowtoprotectyourselfinthefuture.

30

out-of-controlargumentsdon’talwaysinvolveviolence,ofcourse.nomatterhowmuchyouandyourspouseloveeachother,nomat-terhowunderstandingyoutrytobeandnomatterhowstronglyyouwanttoavoidhurtingeachother,therewillbetimeswhenargu-mentsgetoutofcontrol.

Herearesomewaystoprepareforthosetimesandtominimizetheirnegativeeffects.

1. Beawareofyourphysicalreactionsandtrig-gers,toletyouknowwhenit’stimetobackoff.Mostpeopletenseupwhenuncomfort-ableorthreatened.

2. Takeresponsibilitytocommunicatehowyou’refeelingandwhatyou’rethinking.

3. never,everbully,threatenorintimidateyourspouse.

4. askforatime-outwhenyouneedit;setanothertimetotalk.

5. ifyouknowasubjectistoovolatiletohandlealone,discussitinthepresenceofaneutral

partysuchasapastororcounselor.6. ifyou’re“walkingoneggshells”orhidingin

fearinordertoavoidangeringyourspouse,getoutsidehelp.

7. Praywithyourspousewhenthingsgettoointense,evenifyouavoidtheimmediatetopicforthemoment.Theactofsubmittingtogod’sauthoritymaybringsomerelief.

8. Prayindividually—aprayerofrepentanceforyourownattitudeandactions.

9. forgiveyourspouse.Thisdoesn’tmeanagreeingwithhisorherpositionorexcusingabuse;itmeansgivingupyourdeterminationtogetrevenge.

RememberKenandSue?Whentheygetupthenextday,Kenapologizesforthemeanthingshesaid—ashe’sdonemanytimesbefore.Thistime,though,headmitsthathe’safraidofhurtingSueduringoneofthesefights.Hesaysheknowshehasaproblemandwantshelpingettingtothebottomoftherageheoftenfeels.SinceheandSuehavebeentalkingabouthaving

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

31

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

children,thethoughtofhurtingthemscareshim,too.untilnow,Suehasalwaysretreatedinfear.now,

becauseofKen’sadmission,shefeelssafeenoughtoexpresssomeofherfeelings.Sheacknowledgesthatshehasaproblemwithfearandwouldbewillingtoseeacounselorwithherhusband.

Don’tletyouranger,oryourspouse’s,dominateyourrelationship.anddon’tletfearofanout-of-controlargumentkeepyouandyourmatefromcommunicatinghonestly.

—RomieHurley

What If the Same Conflicts Keep Coming Up?

“icannotbelieveimarriedthisman!”cindytoldthecounselor.“iknowthatilovehim,butrightnowiamsoangrywithhim.

“Kentneverfollowsthroughwithanythinghesaysheisgoingtodo.Sometimesiwonderifimarriedthewrongperson.Wecontinuetohavethesamefights

overandoveragain;nothingevergetsresolved.“forexample,lastnightiaskedhimtotakeout

thetrash.Hetoldmehewoulddoitwhenthebasket-ballgamewasover.Thismorningthetrashwasstillhere,andsoitookitout.Tonightwe’lltalkaboutitandhe’llapologizeandexpectmetoforgivehim.Butthenthesamesituationwillhappenagain.

“iamtiredofhisemptyapologieswhenthereisnochange.i’mbeginningtofeelalotofresentment,andwe’veonlybeenmarriedthreeyears.i’mafraidthatourmarriageisgoingtobeintroubleifwecan’tgetahandleonthis.”

cindybelievesthatwhenKentagreestotakethetrashoutforherafterthegame,he’lldoitthatnight.Kentbelievesthataslongasthetrashgetstakenoutinthenextfewdays,he’sliveduptohisresponsibility.orhethinksthatbecauseheintendedtofollowthroughandjustforgot,cindyshouldremindhimagain.Hecan’tunderstandwhyshetookitoutandthengotmadathim;afterall,itwasn’tthatfullinthefirstplace!

cindy’sfrustrationisacommononeforrecentlymarriedcouples:theconflictthatarisesistemporarily

32

resolved,butcontinuestocreepupbecausenolastingremedyhasbeenfound.Theseunresolvedconflictsleavespousesfeelingasiftheymarriedthewrongperson,orthattheirmarriageisdoomed.

conflictinanyrelationshipisnormal.Theproblemoccurswhenyoudon’tworkthroughit.

Whatshouldyoudoifthesameissueskeeppop-pingup,unresolved?Herearesomestepstotake.

1.Realizethatyoulearntoworkthoughconflictbyconfrontingtheissue—notbyavoidingit.

2.Rememberthepurposeofconfrontingtheconflict:resolution.Yourultimategoalistoreconcileandmakeyourrelationshipevenstronger.ifyou’reaimingjusttospouthurtandanger,you’lldamagetherelationship.Winningthebattleisn’timportant,either.Whatmattersiscontinuingtostrengthenyourbond.

3.Don’tprocrastinate.conflictresolutionshouldbedoneassoonaseitherpartyrecognizesthatheorsheisfeelingupset.

4.Setasideatimefordiscussionwheneachspousecanbeathisorherbest—notwhenonepartyisextremelytiredorabnormallystressed.Youwantboth

partnerstobewillingandreadytoseekreconciliation.5.Taketurnsexpressingyourfeelingsaboutthe

conflictathand.listencarefully.6.use“i”statementsinsteadofattackingthe

otherperson.examples:“ifeelhurtwhenyoudon’tfol-lowthrough,”ratherthan,“You’resoirresponsible.Youneverkeepyourpromises.”

7.Specificallyexpressyourneedtoyourspouse.forinstance,“itwouldhelpmeifyou’dtakethetrashoutassoonasyouagreetodoit.”

8.comeupwithaplanofaction.forexample,writedownchoresthateachpersonisresponsibleforandwheneachchoreistobeaccomplished.inthecaseofcindyandKent,theywrotethatKentistotakeoutthetrasheveryMonday,WednesdayandSaturday.nowbothhavethesameexpectation;Kentknowscindycan’tnaghim,butshehasthefreedomtocon-fronthimifhedoesn’tfollowthroughonhisagreement.

9.findanothercouple,apastororacounselortowhombothofyouwillbeaccountable.Sharetheplanofactionyou’veagreedupon.Knowingthatsomeoneisholdingyouaccountablecanhelpyoufollowthrough.

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

33

ifyourchronicconflictshavedraggedonandon,neverreachingresolution,youmaybeskepticalaboutwhetherthesemethodsreallywork.considerthecasesofthesetwocouples.

“Samanthaandialwaysfoughtovermoney,”Joesaid.“Shewouldspendwithouttalkingtomeandwritecheckswithoutloggingthemintheregister.everymonthwhenisatdowntodothefinances,wewouldfight.Webothhatedthebeginningofthemonth.

“Wefinallysolvedthisconflictbysettingupabudget.Samknowshowmuchwehavetospendineachbudgetedarea.igotduplicatecheckssoifsheforgetstowritedowntheamounts,istillhavearecord.Thishassavedusnumerousfights.nowneitherofusdreadsthebeginningofthemonth.”

gailandTomalsodiscoveredthevalueofcomingupwithaplan.gailfeltTomneverlistenedtoherwhenshecamehomefromwork,wantingtotalkaboutherday.Theydiscussedtheproblemmanytimes,withgailintearsandTomfeelingnaggedandthenapologizingforhisinsensitivity.Theconflictwoulddieforafewdays;thenthey’dberightbackwheretheystarted.

gailknewtherepeatedbattleswereharmingtheirmarriage.Soshecamehomeearlyfromworkoneday,madeTomagreatdinner,andsharedherhurtswithhim.“iloveyousomuchandihateitwhenwefight,”shesaid.“Youaremybestfriendandiwanttosharemydaywithyou.WouldyoubewillingtogivemetenminutesofyournightwithouttheTVon,justtoletmeshare?”

Theyagreedtotalkafterdinnereverynight.nowTomturnstheTVoffandsitsdownwithgailfor10to15minuteswhileshetellshimaboutherday.insteadofarguing,they’recloser.gail,feelingcaredfor,hasstoppednaggingTom—who’spleasedthathecanshowlovetohiswifethisway.

ifyou’redrivingtoworkandhithugepotholesthatdamageyourtiresandmakeyoulate,whatdoyoudo?Youtakeadifferentroutethenextday.

Thesameshouldbetrueinyourmarriage.ifaconflictkeepscomingup,it’ssillytokeepgoingdownthatroad.Takeanotherpaththatwillbenefityourrela-tionship.insteadofsubmergingtheconflict,developaplanthathelpsyouresolveitonceandforall.

—SherylDeWitt

M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H

f o c u S o n T H e f a M i l Y | 8 0 0 - a - f a M i l Y ( 2 3 2 - 6 4 5 9 ) | M a R R i a g e . f a M i l Y . o R g

m a r r i a g e . f a m i l y . o r g

F00832T