meeting 7: kinder thoughts and grief reminders · •i can tell my child that even though i am sad,...
TRANSCRIPT
Meeting 7: Kinder Thoughts and Grief Reminders
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Meeting 7: Kinder Thoughts
and Grief Reminders
Table Of Contents
5 Slides and Activity Sheets
17 Taking the Program Home
21 Tips & Tools
33 Home Practice Sheets
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Slides and Activity Sheets
WelcomeSession 7: Kinder Thoughts and Grief Reminders
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Self-care Check-inFour Steps to Kinder Thoughts
04 mins
Self-careMindful Breathing
04 mins
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Self-care Check-in06 mins
• Personal Goals—Small Steps• Self-kindness • Mindful Breathing• Comforting Activities
Family-care Check-inActive Listening
15 mins
• Everyday use of summary and feeling responses
• Not using Quick Fix• Using the Four Talk-to-Me’s
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Today’s Group01 min
• Unexpected loss reminders• Using kinder thoughts for loss reminders• Listening to your children’s grief• Anticipated loss reminders
Family-care Check-in
• One-on-One Time• Catch ‘em Doing Good• Family Time
03 mins
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Unexpected Loss RemindersFeelings of Grief “Out of the Blue”
03 mins
Unkind Thoughts About Loss Reminders
03 mins
• Reminders of loss can be unexpected.
• The strength of the emotions that come with reminders may take you by surprise.
• Feelings of intense grief can resurface.
Remember, reminders and the feelings that come with
them are normal.
• I am losing control.
• I am going backward.
• I need to avoid situations where I have experienced grief reminders.
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Listening to Your Child’s Grief10 mins
• How has it been to listen to your childtalk about their grief and the changes since the death?
• What has made it difficult?
Four Steps to Kinder Thoughts For Unexpected Loss Reminders
05 mins
Recall a time when you experienced an unexpected loss reminder
1. What did you feel? Where did you feel it?2. Stop. Take three deep breaths.
Say, “Let me be kind to myself”3. Be aware of unkind thoughts4. Find and use your kinder thoughts
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Concerns and Strategies that Parents Have Shared
04 mins
Concerns Strategies
• I worry that my child will be overwhelmed.
• I don’t want to stir the pot.• It’s painful to see my child’s
distress.
• Just listening can help• My child will feel less overwhelmed • My child will feel less alone• My child will learn it’s OK to be sad, mad or have other
feelings• I am not creating the feelings. They are there. I am just
giving my child a chance to share them.
• I won’t know what to say.• I can’t fix it.
• I don’t have to give the “perfect response.”• I need to trust myself.• Just knowing that I am trying to understand and that I care
is what my child needs.
I worry that I may be overwhelmed by my feelings and that will scare my children.
• It’s ok for my child to see that I am sad. It shows that feelings are OK.
• I can tell my child that even though I am sad, I will not always be so sad and that I am going to be OK.
• I can tell my child that I am going to be there for him or her.
Times Parents and Children Discuss Memories of the Parent Who Died
03 mins
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02 mins
• Family Time• One-on-One Time• Catch ‘em Doing Good• Listen as often as
you can
Home Practice: Family-careWhat You Practice Grows Stronger
Talk With Your Children About How They Remember Their Parent Who Died
13 mins
1. What will you say?2. When will you talk with them?3. Any problems you anticipate?4. How might you handle these problems?
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02 mins
• Personal Goals• Mindful Breathing
• Four Steps to Kinder Thoughts
• Self-kindness• Comforting activities
What You Practice Grows StrongerHome Practice: Self-care
Online Resources01 min
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Wrap Up01 min
Next meeting • Guided problem-solving• Effective family rules
Closing ritual
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This sheet will provide you with some guidance to help you identify misbehaviors you would like to decrease. Before you develop a change plan for one of your children, you need to be clear about exactly what behavior you want your child to change. Describe the behavior in a way that is specific and clear.
Ask yourself…
• What is the behavior I want my child to change?
• Can I be more specific when I describe this behavior?
Defining Misbehaviors & Expectations
These definitions are UNCLEAR or VAGUE:
These definitions of misbehaviors are CLEAR and SPECIFIC:
He’s mean. He calls his brother bad names many times throughout the day (e.g., “stupid,” “dumb”).
She doesn’t listen. When I tell her to put her toys away, she keeps playing.
She is a problem in the grocery store.
At the store, she repeatedly begs for things and complains when I say no.
He never does what I tell him to.
He doesn’t put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket.
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What are some behaviors that you would like to see less of? List in order of how much the behavior bothers you (1=bothers you the most).
Ranking Misbehaviors
Name:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Name:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Name:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Name:
1.
2.
3.
4.
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; Home Practice Sheets
Taking The Program Home
1. Look through Tips and Tools
2. Do Getting to Know More About your Child
3. Use Four Steps to Kinder Thoughts
4. Continue using your other Family-care and Self-care Tools:• One-on-One Time – 15 minutes per child• Catch ’em Doing Good – Every chance you get!• Family Time• Personal Goal – Small Step• Self-kindness words• Comforting Activities• Mindful Breathing
Comforting Activities What comforting activities did you do since we last met?
Mindful Breathing
A Lot -----------------------------------
Once a day Sometimes
-----------------------------------A couple of
times a week
Rarely -----------------------------------
Once or twice since last meeting
Notat All
How often did you do your comfort activity since we last met?
A Lot -----------------------------------
Once a day Sometimes
-----------------------------------A couple of
times a week
Rarely -----------------------------------
Once or twice since last meeting
Notat All
How often did you do mindful breathing since we last met?
How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about doing mindful breathing.
Did not doAwful Bad GoodOkay Great
How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about these comforting activities.
Did not doAwful Bad GoodOkay Great
Write down anything that other parents said during the meeting that you found helpful for your own self-care or family-care activities.
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Personal Goal – Small Step What small steps did you take since we last met?
Self-care ActivitiesFour Steps to Kinder Thoughts
How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about taking these small steps.
Did not doAwful Bad GoodOkay Great
How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you feel about doing the four steps?
Did not doAwful Bad GoodOkay Great
Continued on next page 5
A Lot -----------------------------------
Once a day Sometimes
-----------------------------------A couple of
times a week
Rarely -----------------------------------
Once or twice since last meeting
Notat All
How often did you do Four Steps to Kinder Thoughts since we last met?
Self-kindnessA Lot
-----------------------------------Once a day
Sometimes -----------------------------------
A couple of times a week
Rarely -----------------------------------
Once or twice since last meeting
Notat All
How often did you use self-kindness words since we last met?
How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about using self-kindness words.
Did not doAwful Bad GoodOkay Great
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Continued on next page 5
One-on-One Time
Catch ‘em Doing Good!
How did it go? Awful Bad Okay Good Great
Name
Choose the face that shows how you feel Catch ‘em Doing Good went with each of your children since we met.
Did not do
WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2
How do you feel One-on-One Time went last week?
Awful Bad Okay Good Great
Name What did you do?Did not
do
A Lot -----------------------------------
Once a day Sometimes
-----------------------------------A couple of
times a week
Rarely -----------------------------------
Once or twice since last meeting
Notat All
How often did you do Catch ‘em Doing Good since we met?
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(turn in at Meeting 8)
Home Practice SheetMeeting 7 Name
Continued on next page 5
Family-care ActivitiesTalking with your children about how they remember their parent who diedWhat did you talk about? (check each one that you talked about)
• Things you already do
• Times when memories of the parent who died can be expected to come up in the future
• Mementos or things that bring back memories
• Negative or difficult memories
How did it go?Awful Bad Okay Good Great
Child’s Name Did not do
Family Time
What did your family do for Family Time?
Active ListeningHow did Active Listening go in everyday interactions?
Awful Bad Okay Good Great Did not do
Awful Bad Okay Good Great Did not do
How did Family Time go?
Child’s Name
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Complete and
bring to Meeting 8
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Your role during this conversation is to use your active listening tools – to show that you hear and understand what they are saying and what they are feeling. You can always check in with them, to make sure you heard them right!
Talking about things you are already doing to remember their deceased parent
Tell your children that you’d like to talk with them about what your family does at that time. Ask them to talk about what they like about what your family does to remember their parent on these occasions. Ask them to describe one or two feelings they have during these times. Encourage them to say what they might like to do differently next time.
Talking about times when memories of the deceased parent can be expected to come up
Tell your children that you’d like to talk with them about what they would like to do to remember their parent at the next time you think these memories may be expected to be particularly strong.
Talking about mementos or things that bring back memories of their deceased parent
Ask your children to talk about this memento or thing that brings back memories. How does it remind them of their parent? Where do they keep it? When do they look at this memento? How does it make them feel?
Talking With Your Children About Their Memories Of Their Deceased Parent
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Talking with children whose memories of their deceased parent are mainly negative
You can ask your children whether there are times like holidays or birthdays that bring back memories of their deceased parent. You might pick a day or time that you think these memories may come back and ask if they would like to plan something to do as a family on that day. Ask them what they would like to do on those days or at those times as a family to make them feel better. Normalize any feelings they express, positive or negative.
What topic or topics you would you like to talk about with your children?
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
What will you say to get the conversation started?
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
Identify a day/time/opportunity when you will have your conversations
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
What challenges or difficulties do you anticipate?
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
What might you do to handle these challenges or difficulties?
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
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Tips And Tools
1. Steps in Active Listening
2. Tips for using Feeling Responses
3. Chart of Feeling Faces
4. Pratice using Active Listening
5. Understanding Developmental Differences in How Children Understand and Talk about Their Grief
6. Tips for Unexpected Grief Reminders
7. Ideas of things to “catch” your children doing
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Steps in Active Listening
1. Listen
2. Stop and Think
3. Respond
; Pay attention to what your children are saying and doing
; Make eye contact
; Ask open-ended questions
; Use Say More’s to keep your children talking
; Ask yourself, “What did I hear?”
; Use Summary Responses to show you are trying to understand what your children are telling you and Feeling Responses to show you are trying to understand how they feel
If you use active listening, your children will be more likely to come to you for support or help.
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• Don’t overdo it – most of what your child shares doesn’t involve feelings
• Listen for positive and negative feelings
• Look for non-verbal cues
• Allow children to talk about their feelings
- Avoid the Quick Fix (see Tips and Tools from last session) - Remember, boys need to talk about feelings too - Ignoring negative feelings doesn’t make them go away - Remember, your child might not feel the same way you would
if you were in their situation• Use a general feeling if you are not sure about your child’s feeling
(“you’re feeling bad, is that right?”)
• Your child will correct you if you are wrong
• Try to match the level of feeling your child is showing
- If she says something with a lot of feeling, show that level of feeling in your response
- If he says something that is only a little emotional, show a similar level of feeling in your response
Tips For Using Feeling Responses
Remember… the goal is to let your children know you are trying to understand them. 23
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Chart of Feeling Faces
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Practice using Active Listening
Read each situation and circle the choice that is most likely to open up a discussion about your child’s feelings. Responses are provided on the next page.
Your teen asks you to buy her a pair of the “hot” new shoes
everyone is wearing. As much as you would like to, you can’t afford it. When you explain this, she complains that ever since her Dad died, you don’t get her things. Your response:
Your child comes home from school and tells you she
got detention for talking in class, but it was really her friend doing the talking. She has to go to detention tomorrow.
Your child complains that his sister has
more privileges. He complains that she has a later curfew, gets more allowance each week, and gets more of your attention. Your response:
a. “Your sister has more privileges because she is two years older. I promise that when you are that age, you will have a later curfew and a bigger allowance.”
b. “So I hear you saying that you think it’s unfair that your sister has more privileges than you. Sounds like you are angry about that, is that right?”
c. “You are always complaining about something. For once, I would like to hear something positive from you.”
a. “Tell me more about the shoes you want. I’ll see if I can get them for you.”
b. “Dad’s death has been hard on me too. I also can’t get things I want.”
c. “I know that ever since Dad died, you haven’t been getting as many things as you want. It seems like you’re frustrated and maybe a little disappointed.”
a. “So you got detention today for talking when it was actually your friend’s fault? So you are angry with your teacher, is that right?”
b. “Are you sure you weren’t talking too? Maybe both you and your friend were talking.”
c. “That’s completely unfair! I will call your teacher and see if I can explain what really happened.”
Responses
a. Although you are using a good open-ended question to find out more about the shoes, this is also a quick fix. Just using the first part of this response (“Tell me more about the shoes you want.”) will allow your teen to feel that you are really listening to what she is saying and to open up a discussion about her feelings.
b. You are probably going through a rough time too and you want your teen to appreciate that. In these situations, it’s best to set your feelings aside and focus on your teen.
c. Great! The summary response shows that you heard what your teen said. Although you still cannot buy her the shoes, with the feeling response you are opening up a deeper conversation about your teen’s feelings.
a. Good job! With this response, you are really concentrating on hearing what your child is saying. You are using both a summary response and a feeling response to encourage your child to be more open with you and share more about what happened.
b. Although this is probably what most parents would be thinking, it may be best to keep this to yourself. This response may tell your child that you don’t believe what she said and you child may be less likely to share things with you in the future.
c. It’s very easy to give into the quick fix. As often as possible, you will want to support your children in solving their own problems. This will help them feel more confident in their ability to solve problems on their own. We will be discussing problem solving in a couple of meetings.
a. It is very tempting to explain yourself. You know that the situation is fair because your child is younger and you want to help your child understand. However, using this quick fix may invalidate your child’s feelings. It is important to convey that you hear what s/he is saying and understand her/his feelings.
b. Exactly! With this response you are summarizing what you heard and using a feeling response to try to understand how your child is feeling. Your child will feel like you are really listening and be more likely to talk to you more about his/her feelings.
c. As a parent it is often difficult to listen to all the complaining. However, by shutting your child down right away, you are sending a message that what she has to say is not important. It may be better to Catch ‘em being good when she is saying something positive, to encourage more positive talk.
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What if . . .
. . . Your children are very young. How do they express themselves?From birth to five years old children move through several important tasks.
• During the first year of life infants must learn to trust the adults in their lives. • Toddlers (1–3 years) begin to explore their world and learn that they can be
independent and control their actions. • Pre-schoolers are initiators, focusing on themselves and what they want and need.• You might ask them to draw a picture showing a memory of their parent, follow up
by asking them to tell you about the picture
The Way They Talk:• Meanings of words are influenced by children’s private interpretations.• As their verbal skills improve, so too will their ability to accurately describe events.
- But their limited language skills make it difficult to describe events in the family and outside world.
- Sentences develop from 2-3 words at three years to longer sentences at five years.
The Way they Feel: Emotions and Behavior• Separation from parents and caregivers is a major concern for young children.• This is a time of curiosity, they may be more interested in what is going on around
them than talking. • They have a lot of energy, they may have a difficult time staying still for more
than 5-10 minutes.• You may learn more about what your young child is feeling by watching them play
or interact with others.
Understanding Developmental Differences in How Children Understand and Talk about Their Grief
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How they understand Death, Grief and Separation• Awareness of death is directly influenced and limited by young children’s ability to
understand their world. - Death is viewed as the absence of a parent or caregiver. - Who will take care of them?
• Children may see themselves as responsible in some way for a death and • They do not yet recognize time and irreversibility of death. • Parents and caregivers can provide gentle repeating of the facts, knowing that time
will help their child understand their loss.
. . . Your children are school-agers—between 6 and 12 years old?The critical task during this time is developing competency and building a sense of pride and accomplishment in their schoolwork, sports, social activities, and family life.
How they understand death, grief and separation• Awareness of death is influenced and limited by
the school-agers’ ability to think about their world. • Many emotions and grief can be explained and
understood. - Explain that grief is a combination of reactions that one can have after
someone has died—thinking about the person, feelings of sadness or anger, physical reactions such as tiredness or an upset stomach. These reactions can come or go.
- Anger can be attributed to a number of causes. It may not be the anger children feel because an important person has died but the anger that results when no one listens or talks to them, or includes them in activities. Don’t assume what prompts feelings, ask!
• Children may not see themselves as responsible for a death and recognize that death is irreversible.
• Parents and caregivers can provide a simple narrative of the death and related events. Children will be able to describe a chronological order as well.
• Children will be able to appreciate how the loss of an important person in their lives will affect them over time, weeks or months but not the long term, life-long impact of a death.
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. . . Your children are teenagers?The adolescent years are the testing ground for the essential transition from child to adult. The critical task of adolescence is for teens to find out who they are and how they fit into their families, peer group and the global community.
How they understand death, grief and separation • The teen’s awareness and understanding of death is similar to that of adults. They
can incorporate multiple causes and consequences of a death.
• Many complex emotions and grief can be explained and understood. - Explain that grief is a combination of reactions that one can have after someone
has died—thinking about the person, feelings like sadness or anger, physical reactions such as tiredness or an upset stomach. They can also experience more subtle emotions or regret, ambivalence or relief. These reactions can come or go.
- Anger can be attributed to a number of causes. It may not be the anger a teen feels because an important person has died but the anger that he or she feels when no one listens or talks to them, or has eliminated them from activities. Don’t assume what prompts feelings, ask!
• They do not see themselves as responsible for a death but are apt to analyze information to determine who or what is responsible.
• They know that death is irreversible and the causes of death (physical, psychological) - Parents and caregivers can engage in detailed narratives of the death and
related events.• Teens will be able to appreciate how the loss of an important person in their lives will
affect them over time, not only in the short term of weeks or months but in the long term, how the death will affect them throughout their lives.
• They will also understand how the loss of a parent, in the context of parental legacy, will affect them and the person they will become.
. . . You have to revisit the death and loss in the years ahead?Your children will ask many of the same questions time and again in the months and years of grieving. This doesn’t mean that they haven’t understood what you’ve told them in earlier conversations. Rather, as they grow they will have more questions and will be ready for more complex information. Consider these conversations as evolving and growing with your children.
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• Earlier explanations and answers no longer satisfy their curiosities. - For example, a five-year old may comprehend only that her Grandmother’s
heart “stopped” to cause her death. At ages seven and eight this same child will understand more about the functioning of the human body and will want to know more of her Grandmother’s condition, “What exactly happened that Grandma’s heart stopped?”
• When children are younger we can give simple explanations and those answers will satisfy them. As they grow older and develop cognitively and emotionally those simple explanations are no longer sufficient. Be ready to give more information as it is needed.
- Don’t be afraid of overloading them but also keep in mind that your children won’t be ready for all of the information you have. Take your cues from your children.
- Children will feel freer to ask more questions as time passes if you maintain an open mind about their inquiries.
• Give them what they need to know when they ask questions but gear your answers to their level of understanding. Don’t remind them that they are too young to understand. There is nothing more frustrating than hearing an adult answer children’s questions with, “You really don’t need to know that right now.”
• Remember that often a child’s question is really an invitation to listen and talk.
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Tips for Unexpected Grief Reminders
• Unexpected things such as places, thoughts, smells, songs may remind you of the person who died.
• Reminders may bring back strong feelings that surprise you.
• These reminders and strong feelings are a normal part of the grieving process.
• If you are telling yourself unkind thoughts like “I shouldn’t be feeling this” “I’m losing control” “I can’t handle my grief” “I’m going backwards” you can use your Four Steps to Kinder Thoughts.
Step 1 What are you feeling?
Step 2 Stop – Take Three Deep Breaths – Say “I want to be kind to myself”
Step 3 What are you thinking? Any unkind thoughts that are making you feel worse?
Step 4 Find kinder thoughts – like “This is a normal part of grieving” “I’m OK” “These thoughts surprise me but I can handle them”
Ideas for Catch ‘em Doing Good
HELPING OUT
ACHIEVEMENTS
Picked up toys/things
Made bed Put away toothpaste
Helped set/ clear table
Fed dog/cat/fish Folded some clothes
Did dishes Cleaned kitchen, bedroom or family room
Got good grades Did well on a test
Played hard in sports
Drew a picture
Worked on badge in Scouts
ROUTINES
RELATIONSHIPS
Got dressed with few reminders
Got ready for school on time Studied for 15 minutes
Did homework with few reminders
Practiced musical instrument
PERSONAL QUALITIES
RULES
Brave Considerate Creative Hard-working Helpful Cooperative Thoughtful Polite
Made curfew Called home to check in Got ready for bed with few reminders
Shared with sibling/friend Played well with sibling/friend
Few squabbles all day
Ideas of things to catch your children doing.
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Home Practice
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(turn in at Meeting 8)
Home Practice SheetMeeting 7 Name
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Family-care ActivitiesTalking with your children about how they remember their parent who diedWhat did you talk about? (check each one that you talked about)
• Things you already do
• Times when memories of the parent who died can be expected to come up in the future
• Mementos or things that bring back memories
• Negative or difficult memories
How did it go?Awful Bad Okay Good Great
Child’s Name Did not do
Family Time
What did your family do for Family Time?
Active ListeningHow did Active Listening go in everyday interactions?
Awful Bad Okay Good Great Did not do
Awful Bad Okay Good Great Did not do
How did Family Time go?
Child’s Name
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One-on-One Time
Catch ‘em Doing Good!
How did it go? Awful Bad Okay Good Great
Name
Choose the face that shows how you feel Catch ‘em Doing Good went with each of your children since we met.
Did not do
WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2
How do you feel One-on-One Time went last week?
Awful Bad Okay Good Great
Name What did you do?Did not
do
A Lot -----------------------------------
Once a day Sometimes
-----------------------------------A couple of
times a week
Rarely -----------------------------------
Once or twice since last meeting
Notat All
How often did you do Catch ‘em Doing Good since we met?
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Personal Goal – Small Step What small steps did you take since we last met?
Self-care ActivitiesFour Steps to Kinder Thoughts
How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about taking these small steps.
Did not doAwful Bad GoodOkay Great
How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you feel about doing the four steps?
Did not doAwful Bad GoodOkay Great
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A Lot -----------------------------------
Once a day Sometimes
-----------------------------------A couple of
times a week
Rarely -----------------------------------
Once or twice since last meeting
Notat All
How often did you do Four Steps to Kinder Thoughts since we last met?
Self-kindnessA Lot
-----------------------------------Once a day
Sometimes -----------------------------------
A couple of times a week
Rarely -----------------------------------
Once or twice since last meeting
Notat All
How often did you use self-kindness words since we last met?
How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about using self-kindness words.
Did not doAwful Bad GoodOkay Great
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Comforting Activities What comforting activities did you do since we last met?
Mindful Breathing
A Lot -----------------------------------
Once a day Sometimes
-----------------------------------A couple of
times a week
Rarely -----------------------------------
Once or twice since last meeting
Notat All
How often did you do your comfort activity since we last met?
A Lot -----------------------------------
Once a day Sometimes
-----------------------------------A couple of
times a week
Rarely -----------------------------------
Once or twice since last meeting
Notat All
How often did you do mindful breathing since we last met?
How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about doing mindful breathing.
Did not doAwful Bad GoodOkay Great
How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about these comforting activities.
Did not doAwful Bad GoodOkay Great
Write down anything that other parents said during the meeting that you found helpful for your own self-care or family-care activities.
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