meeting your spouse

8/13/2019 Meeting Your Spouse

1/37

Meeting Your Spouse's Need for LoveLearning to speak your partner's love language will enhance your communication and strengthen your

relationship. Success in business, education or sports will not satisfy the longing of the human heart for

emotional love. When emotional love evaporates, marriages slip into fall and then winter. Conversely,

when emotional love is rekindled, the warm breezes of spring and summer return to the marriage. want

to focus on the nature of emotional love as it relates to marriage. !his has the potential to change the

emotional climate of your marriage. t all begins with "the tingles." n the normal course of life, we meet

someone who catches our attention. !here is something about the way he or she looks, talks or acts thatgives us a warm tingly feeling inside. !he tingles are what motivate people to go out with each other.

Sometimes, on the first date, we lose the tingles. We find out something intolerable about the other

person and the tingles dissipate. #ut with some people, every time we get together, it $ust gets tinglier

and tinglier. %ventually, we find ourselves emotionally obsessed. We're &uite certain that he or she is the

most wonderful person we've ever met. %veryone else will see the flaws, but we won't. ur parents may

say, "(ave you considered that he hasn't had a steady $ob in five years)" #ut we'll respond, "*ive him a

break. (e's $ust waiting for the right opportunity." ur friends may ask, "(ave you considered that she's

been married five times before)" #ut we'll respond, "!hose other guys were losers. !his woman

deserves to be happy, and 'm going to make her happy."

!his stage of a romantic relationship can best be described as emotional obsession. We can't get the

other person off our minds. We go to bed thinking about him, and we wake up thinking about him. +ll

day long, we wonder what she's doing. !alking with her is the highlight of our day, and we want to

spend as much time with her as possible.

!his obsession leads to irrational thoughts such as,I'll never be happy unless we are together forever.

Nothing else in life really matters.n this stage of love, differences are minimized or denied. +ll we

know is that we're happy, we've never been happier, and we intend to be happy for the rest of our lives.

!his euphoric stage of love does not re&uire a lot of effort. We are swept along by a river of positive

emotions. We are willing to do almost anything for the benefit of the other person.

t is during this time of emotional obsession that most people get married. !hey anticipate that they willcontinue to have these euphoric feelings for each other forever. !hey fail to understand that emotional

obsession is only the initial stage of romantic love. -sychologist and researcher orothy !ennov, in her

classic bookLove and Limerance, concluded that the average duration of this initial euphoria is two

years./ When we come down off the emotional high, we must make the transition to the ne0t stage of

love, which is much more intentional and re&uires a conscious effort to meet the emotional needs of the

other person. 1any couples fail to make this transition. nstead, they get the tingles for someone else,

divorce and remarry, repeating the cycle with another mate. Si0ty percent of those who remarry will

e0perience a second divorce. +nd if perchance they try again, the divorce rate for third marriages is 23

percent. !he importance of learning how to make the transition from the obsessive stage to the

intentional stage of love should be obvious. 4ust because we stay in a relationship does not mean thatemotional love will continue to flow. !he second stage of love is truly different from the first. !he

obsessive feelings we had for each other begin to fade, and we recognize other important pursuits in life

besides pursuing each other. !he illusions of perfection evaporate, and the words of our parents and

friends return to our minds5 "(e hasn't had a steady $ob in five years." "She's been married five times

before." We start to wonder how we could have been so blind to reality. ifferences in personality,

interests and lifestyle now become obvious, whereas before we hardly noticed. !he euphoria that led us

to put each other first and to focus on each other's well6being has now dissipated, and we begin to focus

on ourselves and to realize that our spouse is no longer meeting our needs.


2/37

We begin to re&uest 7 and then demand 7 things from our mate, and when he or she refuses to meet our

demands, we withdraw or lash out in anger. ur anger or withdrawal pushes our mate further away and

makes it more difficult for him or her to e0press love to us.

Can such tarnished relationships be reborn) !he answer is yes 7 a if couples become aware of the nature

of love and learn how to e0press love in a language their mate can understand. *ood intentions are not

enough. We must also learn how to meet our spouse's emotional need for love.

-eople are different. What makes one person feel loved will not necessarily make another person feel

loved. #y nature, we tend to e0press love to others in the way we wish they would e0press love to us.

When our spouse doesn't respond positively to our e0pressions of love, we get frustrated. !he problem is

not the sincerity of our love8 the problem is that we are speaking the wrong love language. f we speak

our own love language but not our mate's, we will fail to communicate.

am often asked to e0plain the popularity of my bookThe Five Love Languages. believe that the book

has been successful because it has helped people learn to make the transition from obsessive love to

intentional love8 it has taught people how to discover and speak their spouse's love language and thus

keep emotional love alive in their relationship. 9egardless of which season your marriage is now in,

learning to speak your partner's love language will enhance your communication, fill your spouse's love

tank and strengthen your relationship. f your marriage is in fall or winter, learning to speak your

spouse's love languageDiscovering Your Spouse's Love Languagene of the simplest ways to discover your spouse's love language is to listen to his or her complaints. f

the key to meeting your spouse's need for emotional love is learning to speak his or her love language,

how can you discover what that love language is) t's simple. Listen to your spouse's complaints. (ere

are five common complaints and the love language that each reveals5

":ou mean you didn't bring me anything) id you even miss me while you were gone)" receiving

gifts/ "We never spend any time with each other anymore. We're like two ships passing in the dark."

&uality time/ " don't think you would ever touch me if didn't initiate it." physical touch/

" can't do anything right around here. +ll you ever do is criticize. can never please you." words of

affirmation/ "f you loved me, you would do something around here. :ou never lift a finger to help."

acts of service/

!ypically, when our spouse complains, we get irritated. #ut he or she is actually giving us valuable

information. Complaints often reveal the key to our spouse's inner longing for emotional love. f we

learn our mate's primary love language 7 and speak it 7 we will have a happier spouse and a better

marriage.

#ut what if your spouse's primary love language is something that isn't easy for you to do) What if

you're not a touchy6feely person but your spouse's primary love language is physical touch) !he answer

is simple, though not necessarily easy5 :ou learn to speak the language of physical touch. :ou learn to

speak a new love language by trying.+t first it might be very difficult, but the second time will be easier, and the third time even easier.

%ventually, you can become proficient in speaking your mate's love language8 and if he or she

reciprocates by speaking your language, the two of you will keep emotional love alive in your marriage.

1y files are filled with letters from people who tell me that learning their spouse's primary love

language revolutionized their marriage. ;or e0ample, 9ick, a


3/37

either. Aow try to do things for #renda when 'm home. t has made a great difference in our

marriage."

9ick's wife, #renda, wrote, "We were having serious problems and were talking about separating. B

!hen 9ick and started talking about our relationship. learned that his love language is words of

affirmation. (ere had been criticizing him because didn't feel loved by him, but all along was only

making him feel worse and didn't know it. Aow he speaks my language and speak his. We went from a

very wintry season to a warm spring or summer season." nderstanding your spouse's primary love

language 7 and learning to speak it 7 can make a world of difference in your marriage.

What if your spouse is unwilling to read a book about marriage or discuss your marriage) With

marriages in the fall and winter seasons, this is often the case. ne spouse becomes concerned enough

about the marriage to read a book, attend a seminar or go for counseling, while the other spouse is

unwilling to do anything.

!his is when unconditional love becomes e0ceedingly important. t is easy to love your spouse when

your spouse is loving you. t is easy to say kind words to your spouse when he or she is treating you

kindly. #ut even if your spouse is unwilling to try or to reciprocate, unconditional love means that you

will choose to love your spouse in his or her primary love language.

+lthough unconditional love is difficult, it is the kind of love that *od has for us. 9omans 35D says that

*od loved us "while we were still sinners" and sent Christ to die for us. Scripture also says that we love*od "because he first loved us" = 4ohn E5=F/. !herefore, when you choose to love your spouse

unconditionally, you are following *od's e0ample. +nd if you ask *od, (e will give you the ability to

do it. n 9omans 353 the apostle -aul says, "*od has poured out his love into our hearts by the (oly

Spirit." Likewise, when you pour out your love by speaking your spouse's love language, you are doing

the most emotionally powerful thing you can do. :our spouse desperately needs emotional love from

you. +s your spouse's love tank begins to fill, there is a good chance that he or she will begin to

reciprocate.

+ full love tank creates a positive atmosphere in which you and your spouse can talk about your

differences more easily and negotiate solutions to your conflicts. have seen many hard, cold men and

women melt when they begin to receive love in their love language. Love is the most powerful weaponin the world for good. t can thaw the coldest of winters and bring the blossoms of spring to your

marriage.

Helping families thrive with the support of friends like you.

may be the key to turning your marriage around and heading forward into spring and summer.

Understanding the Five Love Languages

What are the five basic ways that people express emotional love?

+fter


4/37

f your spouse's primary love language is words of affirmation, your spoken praise and appreciation will

fall like rain on parched soil. #efore long, you will see new life sprouting in your marriage as your

spouse responds to your words of love.

Acts of Service

o you remember the old saying, "+ctions speak louder than words") ;or some people, that is

particularly true of love. f acts of service is your spouse's primary love language, nothing will speak

more deeply to him or her emotionally than simple acts of service.

1a0ine, who had been married for =3 years, came to my office one day because she was frustrated with

her marriage. Listen to what she said5 " don't understand avid. %very day he tells me that he loves me,

but he never does anything to help me. (e $ust sits on the couch watching !I while wash the dishes,

and the thought never crosses his mind to help me. 'm sick of hearing ' love you.' f he loved me, he

would do something to help me."

1a0ine's primary love language is acts of service not words of affirmation/, and even though her

husband, avid, loved her, he had never learned to e0press his love in a way that made her feel loved.

(owever, after avid and talked and he read The Five Love Languages, he got the picture and started

speaking 1a0ine's love language. n less than a month, her love tank was beginning to fill up, and their

marriage moved from winter to spring.

!he ne0t time talked to 1a0ine, she said, "t's wonderful. wish we had come for counseling =G yearsago. never knew about the love languages. $ust knew didn't feel loved."

Receiving Gifts

n every society throughout human history, gift giving has been perceived as an e0pression of love.

*iving gifts is universal, because there is something inside the human psyche that says if you love

someone, you will give to him or her.

What many people do not understand is that for some people, receiving gifts is their primary love

language. t's the thing that makes them feel loved most deeply. f you're married to someone whose

primary love language is gift giving, you will make your spouse feel loved and treasured by giving gifts

on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and "no occasion" days.

!he gifts need not be e0pensive or elaborate8 it's the thought that counts. %ven something as simple as ahomemade card or a few cheerful flowers will communicate your love to your spouse. Little things

mean a lot to a person whose primary love language is receiving gifts.

Quality Time

f your spouse's love language is &uality time, giving him or her your undivided attention is one of the

best ways you can show your love. Some men pride themselves on being able to watch television, read a

magazine, and listen to their wives, all at the same time. !hat is an admirable trait, but it is not speaking

the love language of &uality time.

nstead, you must turn off the !I, lay the magazine down, look into your mate's eyes, and listen and

interact. !o your spouse, >G minutes of your undivided attention 7 listening and conversing 7 is like a

>G6minute refill of his or her love tank.

1en, if you really want to impress your wife, the ne0t time she walks into the room while you are

watching a sporting event, put the television on mute and don't take your eyes off her as long as she's in

the room. f she engages you in conversation, turn the !I off and give her your undivided attention.

:ou will score a thousand points and her love tank will be overflowing.

Physical Touch

We have long known the emotional power of physical touch. !hat's why we pick up babies and touch

them tenderly. Long before an infant understands the meaning of the word love, he or she feels loved by

physical touch.


5/37

n marriage, the love language of physical touch includes everything from putting a hand on your mate's

shoulder as you walk by, touching his or her leg as you're driving together, and holding hands while

you're walking to kissing, embracing and se0ual intercourse.

f physical touch is your spouse's primary love language, nothing communicates love more clearly than

for you to take the initiative to reach out and touch your mate.

The Role of Friendship in Marriage

eghan and !ete fell madly in love at their small idwestern college. "hen they weren't in class# or

working their respective $obs# they spent every waking moment together. %fter $ust a few months# the

couple began to dance around the sub$ect of marriage. % year later they made a commitment to one

another before &od and their friends and families. The married couple moved to "ashington# .(.#

where eghan started a prestigious internship on (apital Hill# and !ete waited tables while saving for

medical school. In spite of the busyness of life# the two loved the newness of marriage and their

friendship with one another.

Flash forward fifteen years) eghan and !ete have four young children. eghan left her $ob as a

*enator's aid eight years ago to raise their newborn son. !ete# now a doctor# works long hours at a

large teaching hospital in +ethesda# aryland.

"hile the two are active together in ministry at their church# they have lost the fire of friendship that

once defined their relationship. They work hard to keep up with schedules# work# finances# churchactivities and taking care of the home , it is not uncommon for them to go a week or more without

having a mere ten minute conversation about anything other than a recollection of events. %t the

suggestion of another (hristian couple they've instituted a -date night- once a week. ore often than

not# however# this practice has fallen victim to the tyranny of the urgent.

!he word "friendship" con$ures up thoughts of honesty, vulnerability, companionship, and mutual

respect. t also implies a certain outlaying of time and energy. C.S. Lewis said of friendship5 "t is when

we are doing things together that friendship springs up 7 painting, sailing ships, praying, philosophizing,

and fighting shoulder to shoulder. ;riends look in the same direction."

1eghan and -ete's close friendship in college was very real, but after fifteen years they are no longer

looking in the same direction. ndeed, in many ways, they have grown to be very different people."1arriage without friendship cannot work in our culture," says #ill (anawalt, who has conducted pre6

marital and marital counseling for


6/37

+ lapsed friendship can be restored with intentionality, sacrifice, perseverance, and especially prayer. +

good first step is to find activities that you like to do together 7 and then make the time do it. "+nd

simply be together," says Stanton. "4esus went off by (imself to be &uiet with his ;ather. 1ake this a

time when you're not doing and running around, but that you're $ust being together."

-ete and 1eghan have taken small steps toward this end. !hough -ete works long hours, he takes time

during the day to call home and see how 1eghan is faring with the children. f he's working late, she'll

bring dinner to the hospital because she knows he hates hospital food. !heir date nights no longer fall

prey to the tyranny of the urgent. !hey take the time to get together weekly, not only to catch up with

each others activities, but to check in on their friendship.

reating !ntimacy and Friendship in Marriage

!f you and your spouse are growing apart" you may have overloo#ed an important piece of

the intimacy pu$$le% friendship&

by Debra Evans

ompanionship

When you hear the word companion#what does the term signify to you) *iven the dictionary's

definition of a companion as "somebody who accompanies you, spends time with you, or is a friend," do

you currently see you and your husband companionably drawing together or separately drifting apart)

+uthor Sheldon Ianauken warns5n *enesis >5=D, we hear these words echo across the centuries, still vitally relevant to our relationships

today5 "!he L9 *od said, 't is not good for the man to be alone. will make a helper suitable for

him.JK Consider that the (ebrew word for helper is eer remarkably, the same word used in -salm

==D525 "!he L9 is with me8 he is my helper ezer/." Meeping this idea in mind reinforces the

essential role we play within our sacred partnership. !he blessing of friendship and tenderness in

marriage honors this unchanging truth5 A wife's loving companionship was designed by God to meet

her husband's number one relationship need

%valuate your level of intimacy with your husband, then consider whether you might have been

neglecting your husband's needs for affection, comfort, and camaraderie. +sk your husband what he

would like to e0perience with you in this area. !alk about your observations with each other. 9eflect on

times you have felt closest to your husband what made the difference) What are your e0pectations

concerning your husband's friendship today) s spending time with him fulfilling or disappointing)

Why)

(ave you had a night or weekend away alone together in the past year) What about the possibility of

setting up regularly scheduled dates so you can spend time giving one another your undivided attention)

f your husband seems less energized about this idea than you are, go back to the drawing board5 Meep

praying, asking for *od's guidance and wisdom about how your marriage friendship can best be

strengthened and renewed right now.

Whether you prefer a special night out that involves dressing up and making reservations at an e0clusiverestaurant, or an evening of fishing in a canoe, spending time together is what counts. *etting out alone,

away from the dishes, the laundry, the bills, and the kids even for a brief time can do your

relationship a world of good. t may seem like a big effort at first, especially if you're not used to

spending a few hours a week away from work and family responsibilities. #ut encourage you to make

this effort. +s your bond is renewed by your commitment to regularly schedule time alone together, your

entire relationship will likely be refreshed.

on't be discouraged if you meet with some resistance from your husband at first. -lenty of couples

struggle with their "what want to do tonight" differences. utside the bedroom, it isn't always easy to


7/37

find common ground in which to plant the seeds of marital intimacy and friendship. %ven so, be patient8

please don't give up. n time, you likely will reap a colorful harvest.

'iscovery in (ur 'ifferences

+t this point you may be wondering whether the effort will be worth it. While can't make any absolute

promises, can speak from my own three6decades6plus e0perience. (ere's why5 1y husband and

began our married life together without any shared hobbies and with many divergent interests. (e

wanted to go to baseball games8 preferred going to the ballet. was an avid reader8 he spent most of his

free time playing basketball or the guitar. (e rarely stepped foot inside the house if the sun was shining8

thrived indoors, regardless of the weather. +nd so on and so forth.

+fter we celebrated our first anniversary, wondered if we had enough in common to make our

marriage work. nitially, our mutual attraction to one another had been enough. Clearly, we needed

something more to strengthen and deepen our bond.

%ven though was uncertain about the outcome, began praying. asked *od to strengthen our

marriage and opened my heart to (is leading in the daily details of our married life together. !hough

am still learning and praying/, can now look back over the years and see a beautiful theme emerging5

n learning to respect and even appreciate one another's differences, my husband and no longer feel

threatened by those parts of ourselves that are "apart," or different, from each other. #ecause both of us

have repeatedly been willing to go outside our dissimilar comfort zones he occasionally attending theballet or "chick flick" with me8 going to see baseballNfootballNbasketballNhockey games with him, for

e0ample our well6weathered companionship has become more interesting and richly te0tured,

allowing us both to grow together as a couple and as individuals. !he blessing of friendship the

willingness to prefer my husbandJs companionship above all others has helped me be more tender

toward the man now know better and appreciate more than anyone else in the world.

Twelve )teps to a 'eeper Friendship With *our )pouse

Friendship is one of the most important components to marriage&

by Alyson Weasley

1arriage, like any friendship, begins with areas of commonality, but the stresses of normal everyday life

7 children, work, finances, illness, caring for elderly parents 7 can ta0 the union and cause it to grow

apart. !raditional marriage counseling is one way to deepen your friendship, but you can also engage in

some simple practices.

(ere are => suggestions to cultivate a stronger relationship with your spouse. 've also included &uotes

from average folks that have successfully built this kind of friendship5

1. Recognize that friendship building takes a lot of work and tie. !ut the fat out of your day.

-"e've made some significant concessions for the sake of our friendship. !hil lives close to his

work so that he can come home for lunch as often as possible. The short commute has improved

his mood and energy.-+my

". Establish a tie each week to spend #uality tie together then guard that tie with your lives$

%. !hoose to spend tie together rather than apart. &his ay ean sacrificing good things for a

season such as sall groups' inistry' or bonding tie with guys or gals.

(. E)plore the interests of your spouse be it baseball' art' usical theater' gardening or hunting.

*ind out what they are passionate about and then +oin the. ,ften this takes a bit of sacrifice.

-I intentionally study the things that are having an influence on my wife. If she takes up a new

area of interest# or is reading a new book# than I need to do that as well.-#ill

-. &ake tie to find coon interests and then engage in the.

-"e've tried many things together over the past /0 years. "e en$oy cooking and gardening# and

for as long as I can remember we take time away from the kids to backpack during summer. !art


8/37

of the fun is doing research on hiking trails# camp sites# packs# tents# and cooking stoves 1 it's

the planning together that has grown our friendship.-4ohn

. /se conflict to sharpen and purify friendship.

-I thought I was particularly fortunate because my husband and I rarely argued 2 we agreed on

almost everything. The process of recovering from adultery revealed unhealthy communication

on both our parts. Now we have more disagreements# but they come about because we're being

honest with one another# which is helping us get to know each other more all the time.-+ndi

0. ourish and care for one another. 2e gentle with one another.

-"e lost our first child. "e more than comforted one another. "e held each other 1 lifted oneanother up 1 and we knew at a deep level that our best friend in the world was going through

the same thing.-*lenn

3. Accountability and utual respect' including in the areas of se)uality' finances' and

relationships' should be priorities.

-y wife knows everything about my brokenness. I have gone to her first in difficult situations.

There's a small circle of people who know me and know my depravity. y wife is in that circle.

Having that transparency has given me strength# clarity# and tremendous freedom.-*eorge

4. Establish daily habits' especially praying together.

-!raying together every morning not only sets the tone for our day# and releases the burdens on

our hearts# but it puts us on the same page in so many areas. &od meets us in the midst of our

friendship every morning.-4ustine

15. Affir one another every day. 2e intentional in counicating the other6s strengths.

-y wife and I make it a habit to regularly communicate those things we admire or value in the

other. This practice has strengthened our friendship.-+l

11. 2e transparent with one another.

-3ne activity I suggest to married couples is# at some point during the day# identify an emotional

reality to your spouse. Label that feeling in a self2disclosing way such as 'I'm angry# fearful#

resentful.' "e often limit our conversation to the reporting of events rather than communicating

how we really feel.-#ill

1". !ounication. 7ost e)perts agree that regular counication builds a friendship that

weathers the stors of life.

-For us# communication# in part# is negotiating the rules that will make our relationship work

better or flow more smoothly.

For e4ample# $ust recently# I had the implicit assumption that my bike tools should be placed on

the kitchen table. y wife# %nnie# challenged this assumption# and conflict arose. +y the end of

our negotiation# we had made a new rule) bike tools do not ever go on the kitchen table.

It sounds silly# but her demand felt like a threat to how I operate# and therefore a threat to my

personhood# my masculinity. In that encounter I had to learn that I was no less 5ason# no less a

man# no less a person# to concede to my wife's demands that certain spaces are set aside for

certain purposes. y personhood goes beyond and deeper than that.-4ason

Recovering Friendship in the Wa#e of +ro#en TrustThey remained the best of friends or so Ruthie thought.

by Alyson Weasley

!hey were close friends first, having met in a fellowship group, then playing in a college Christian rock

band. Somewhere in the mi0 9uthie and 4acob fell in love and three and half years later married and

moved to 1assachusetts. (e worked from home as a building manager, she as a social worker. !hey

remained the best of friends B or so 9uthie thought.

Ae0t door neighbors, 1ark and Chrissie, provided the bulk of their Christian fellowship in the largely

secular city of #oston. So when Chrissie started struggling with depression, 9uthie encouraged 4acob,


9/37

who was home during the day, to reach out. "She was vulnerable, and basically gave her my husband,"

said 9uthie. +ccording to 4acob, he and Chrissie spent a lot of time talking.

"+t first it was an emotional relationship based on her need and my concern," said 4acob "Within a year,

however, it turned physical." nbeknownst to 9uthie, the relationship would carry on for three years.

" thought everything was fine," said 9uthie. " felt like we had a good marriage and we were good

friends on all levels." When 4acob finally did confess the relationship, her world crumbled. "!he

betrayal was incomprehensible to me," said 9uthie. " don't know what felt worse, that my best friend

had stabbed me in the heart, or that encouraged it."

";or both of us, there was no &uestion whether or not to salvage the relationship," said 4acob. "We

decided we would do whatever we could to repair the friendship and honor the commitment we made to

each other and *od."

"We also committed to the process of reconciliation because we saw value in each other and in our

relationship," said 9uthie. "Aeither of us could imagine living without the other. remember telling

4acob that loved him in the midst of horrible, painful, tearful conversations."

!he first act 4acob and 9uthie took was to spend a week in the Colorado wilderness. t was a time of

simply being together and building new memories. !hey spent a lot of time talking and crying.

4acob and 9uthie did all the right things to repair their shattered friendship. !hey went into marriage

counseling and found support from their church. " don't think we would have made it withoutprofessional help," said 9uthie. "We learned how to communicate, and we learned about the brokenness

and behavior patterns we brought into the marriage. Clearly there were issues that had lain dormant for

years."

!he couple also cleared their lives of all time commitments outside of work, "We needed intense face

time," said 9uthie. "We had to face deep, painful and uncomfortable things about one another, and we

had to do it alone.

"4acob said over and over to me through tears, ' can't be trusted.' checked in every day to see if he was

being honest and faithful. policed his nternet use. !his kind of e0ercise fueled my suffering. ;inally

my counselor told me that 4acob needed someone else to monitor his thoughts and activities. (e entered

into a transparent accountability relationship with our pastor."9uthie knew she also needed accountability, a compassionate ear, and encouragement. + mature

Christian woman from her church stepped forward and provided that support.

"4acob and became a lot more intentional about reading the #ible, said 9uthie. "We read it out loud

every night, and we prayed every morning together. +nd seven years later we still doH ur prayers then

were cries of desperation8 we knew we wouldn't make it without 4esus in the mi0."

" didn't know who was anymore," said 4acob. " was dependent on *od for everything. %very step that

actually worked was a miracle and knew that *od was in it. *od also gave me patience. 1y wife

turned into an angry, bitter woman and didn't know if and when she would ever heal from the wound

inflicted."

n the se0ual front, 9uthie did not know how she was ever going to be naked in front of her husband

again. "We took small steps toward intimacy," she said. !he betrayal took a long time to get over." t

would be years before she didn't think of Chrissie during their most intimate moments.

!he couple credits the affair and its aftermath with the creation of a transparent, vulnerable and rock

solid friendship. !hese are the hallmarks of their relationship today5

&hey spend significant 8face tie8 together' taking care to connect when life gets hectic.

&hey6ve ade a habit out of thanking one another for the undane' such as doing the dishes or

taking out the trash.

&hey engage in little every day kindnesses. &hey serve the other at every turn.

&hey are accountable to one another.


10/37

&hey6ve found any coon passions and they engage in the regularly.

9esus is the center of their arriage.

4acob and 9uthie remain best friends.

Money Management in Marriageby *ocus on the *aily

#arbara was tired. She had no idea that merging wants, needs and desires in marriage would be such a

challenge. She and her husband had overcome many challenges, but their greatest ongoing problems

surrounded money. (er spouse was a spender, she was a saver8 she liked to balance the checkbook to the

last penny, her husband hadn't entered anything in the register in years.

!he result was numerous volatile eruptions and conflict that both she and her spouse wanted to avoid. t

shouldn't have been a surprise. %0perts agree that finances can be the number one cause of marital strain

t's understandable that financial struggles can cause strain because how people spend money is never

$ust about the moneyit reveals attitudes about what you value most8 it reveals deeper character issues.

!hese are some of the reasons blending financial habits can be very challenging.

#ut there is hopeH

n this series of articles, we've provided great ideas to help you and your spouse make your marriage

stronger by tackling the issue of money management in marriage.

Money and MarriageMoney is a common cause of friction for married couples" and it,s no wonder&

fro !rown *inancial 7inistries

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall

become one flesh:;enesis "


11/37

+lthough often these biblical principles are in marked contrast with the world's ideas concerning money,

if couples will dedicate themselves to living by *od's principles they will avoid many potential financial

problems.

The (/M /rinciple

!he primary financial principle taught to married couples by the world's financial institutions is called

3!#or 3ther !eople's oney.

(owever, this principle is nothing more than a credit mentality and a credit standard 66 the ability to

borrow that allows couples to buy things they really cannot afford to buy.

!his principle works great during the early years of marriage, because it allows couples to accumulate a

lot of things they otherwise cannot afford to buy.

nfortunately, there always comes a day of reconciliation, when the bills for all those things comes due.

#efore they realize it, because they built too much too &uickly, using too much debt, married couples

find themselves in debt far beyond their ability to repay.

.od,s Minimum )tandards

*od re&uires minimum financial standards of finance in marriage for (is people.

f couples establish these minimum standards and determine to make them an essential part of their

financial management, they will, without a doubt, lay a strong foundation for a healthy and balanced

marriage.!he following are four primary minimum standards of finance found in *od's Word that all couples are

encouraged to adopt.

=. God owns everything-"e have brought nothing into the world# so we cannot take anything out

of it either-= !imothy O52/. nce couples accept the fact that *od owns everything and that

they have been chosen to be stewards or managers of *od's property, it's important for them to

manage according to (is principles and standards.

t's how we faithfully manage what (e has given us that will determine whether (e will give us

greater things to manage. -"ell done# good and faithful slave. 6ou were faithful with a few

things# I will put you in charge of many things-1atthew >35>. !hin" ahead and avoid problems-"hich one of you# when he wants to build a tower# does not

first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it7-Luke =E5>D/ !oo

often couples put off planning until they are so deeply in debt that it seems impossible to get out.

#y then it is too late to plan, e0cept for crisis planning. Couples need to begin planning by

writing down their goals and ob$ectives, which should include a yearly balanced budget.

!hese goals and ob$ectives need to be reviewed yearly. bviously one of the first goals is to

avoid financial bondage by staying out of additional debt and committing to pay off e0isting

debt.

!his doesn't necessarily mean that they shouldn't borrow, but borrowing to buy consumables,

such as gifts, vacations, and clothes, should be avoided. !his type of credit debt will put a couple

back into insurmountable debt faster than they can pay themselves out of it.

E5


12/37

9ecently it was discovered that less than two out of =G couples know how to actually balance

their checkbooks. !his means that many married couples seldom know how much money they

have to spend or how much they are spending.

Couples should develop their financial plans together and work together, but there should be

only one bookkeeper in the home who pays the bills. !wo bookkeepers invite bookkeeping

disaster.

E. Get educated-The naive believes everything# but the sensible man considers his steps-

-roverbs =E5=3/. 1ost financially naive couples are not stupid regarding money8 they are $ust

ignorant and do not understand how borrowing and interest rates work. +s a result, their primary

concern becomes "(ow much are the monthly payments)" rather than "(ow much is this going

to cost ultimately)"

n addition, many times the naive people borrow more money than they can repay because they

have no budget. n essence, they have no idea where their money goes each month or how much

credit their income can support.

Couples need to learn financial management and budgeting and use that information to avoid

debt or financial problems.

onclusion

*od's Word provides standards for managing money that are essential for marital unity. f couples studythese biblical principles, learn them and put them into practice in their marriages, and adhere to those

standards no matter how tempted they are to adopt the world's standards, their marriages will be strong

and will remain sound.

0is" 0ers or (urs?

When .od said in .en& 1%12" ,They shall become one flesh", 0e wasn,t tal#ing only in the

physical sense&


(urs" -ot Mine

n a marriage, there is no "my money" and "your money" or "my debts" and "your debts." !here is only

our moneyand our debts.

+ couple cannot be oneif they separate their lives by separating their finances.

*od will bring a couple closer if, from the very beginning, they establish *od's Word as their financial

guide and then follow those principles.

+ marriage is not a 3GN3G relationship, as many people think. t is a F3N3 relationship on both sides.

%ach must be willing to yield F3 percent of their rights to their spouses. f they are not willing to do that,

it will not work.

Ao viable marriage can survive a "his or her" relationship for long, because it is totally contrary to *od's

plan.

Couples should avoid having separate financial anything, including checking accounts, because whenthey develop a his moneyNher money philosophy, it usually leads to a him6versus6her mentality.

nwillingness to $oin all assets and bank accounts after marriage is perhaps a danger signal that

unresolved trust issues could still be lingering or developing in the relationship.

+udgeting

#udgeting can be difficult, if not impossible, when spouses do not agree on basic money management

principles. !herefore, they should make all budgeting decisions together.

!hey also need to agree to hold each other accountable for meeting their financial goals, and devise a

plan for regular evaluation of how well they are succeeding.


13/37

!he couple should come to an agreement on the amount of money that can be spent without first

checking with each other. !he specific amount will depend on the budget category and the couple's

particular circumstances. -Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For

if either of them falls# the one will lift up his companion. +ut woe to the one who falls when there is not

another to lift him up-%cclesiastes E5F6=G/.

+oo##eeping

-ractically speaking, only one person should keep the books.

%ven though one person primarily handles balancing the checkbook, both should be fully trained and

able to do it.

!here is nothing wrong with the wife handling the finances in the family if she is the better

administrator, but *od still holds the husband accountable for the ultimate decisions.

When there is an impasse, the wife must yield to her husband and allow the Lord to work it out. +s they

work together, encouraging one another, *od will show them (is favor and grace.

Aevertheless, being responsible as the leader does not mean the husband is a dictator8 the couple should

discuss and agree on financial management.

#oth spouses should be involved in paying the monthly bills. oing so will keep both fully aware of

their financial status.

onclusionWithin a marriage relationship the husband and wife are partners who are dedicated to one another.

+ bond of uncompromising devotion creates a healthy atmosphere for togetherness5 studying *od's

Word, praying, and even managing money.

4ust as it takes two to make a marriage successful, it takes two to establish a clear line of communication

in financial planning.

Tithing When *our )pouse (b3ects

+ecause tithing involves money" it is a prime candidate for controversy and marital

conflict&


Tithing in the +ible

*od's Word describes the tithe as a testimony to *od's ownership. t was through the tithe that +braham

acknowledged *od's ownership. !hus, *od was able to direct and prosper him *enesis =E5>G/.

*od's freedom cannot be e0perienced in the area of finances unless5

1. ;od6s ownership is acknowledged over everything and our role of stewards who have been

placed over >is possessions is accepted.

". &he first part is surrendered back to ;od.

%. &here is an understanding that ;od supplies a surplus above basic needs in order to help those

in need.

n the ld !estament the (ebrew people brought appro0imately >< percent of their increase to the

Lord's storehouse a physical storehouse. !he keepers of the storehouse, the Levites, in turn used what

was given to care for the widows, needy foreigners in the area, orphans, and themselves. n the Aew

!estament, the people no longer brought their tithes and offerings to a physical storehouse8 instead, they

gave of their increase in tithes, offerings, and alms to the church body. !he church then used the tithe for

spreading the *ospel. !he offerings were used for the general and administrative support of the church,

and alms were used to care for the poor, widows, orphans, and needy.

onflict (ver Tithing

#ecause tithing involves money, it is a prime candidate for controversy between a husband and wife.

(owever, if both spouses are Christians, they should have a desire to please the Lord. t's important for

both spouses to be trained in *od's principles of finance. !hat way, they'll understand that tithing is


14/37

*od6ordained, not $ust a personal desire that one spouse is trying to impose on the other. *iving should

come from the heart. +s such, tithing is not a law but, rather, an indicator of obedience to all of *od's

laws. #ecause the tithe's purpose is to be an individual or family testimony of *od's ownership, it was

never intended that everyone should give the same amount or in the same way but that each should give

bountifully and cheerfully see > Corinthians F5O62/.

!f (ne )pouse is an Unbeliever

!he problem becomes more complicated when one spouse is an unbeliever. Since it is the responsibility

of the husband to be the leader in his home, if the wife is an unbeliever, husbands must obey the Lord's

direction. (usbands need to realize, however, that the Lord is more concerned about the wife's soul than

about money. f tithing becomes an obstacle to the wife, husbands should consider not tithing

temporarily in order to win their wives to the Lord. (usbands need to counsel their wives, pray with

them, and seek their opinion and direction but according to *od's Word the decision is ultimately the

husband's. #ecause most wives in +merica today are looking for the strong leadership that seems to be

lacking in many marriages, husbands need to take the lead regarding tithing.

f the unbelieving spouse is the husband, the believing wife should submit to his wishes and trust that

her submissive attitude will win him to the Lord see = -eter


15/37

f you've tried to resolve arguments related to finances, but they keep popping up, it may be time for you

to look below the surface. (ere are a few &uestions to ask5

=. Do we have a brea"down in communication$f you fail to communicate your thoughts,

desires, preferences and so on, your spouse is left to guess what they are. *uessing often leads to

misunderstanding, which can lead to hurt feelings and even resentment.

f the only time you try to communicate about finances is when you're already upset or angry,

your emotions will get in the way and the conservation will most likely lead to harsh e0changes

of words and end up going nowhere. t's important to talk about sensitive issues in a way that is

comfortable for both of you.

!ry writing down your concerns or desires versus trying to e0plain them when you're feeling

emotional. #e clear about what you need from the other person regarding spending, budgeting,

help with balancing the check book and how to get out of financial holes. onJt begin your

conversations in a negative tone and e0pect something positive to come out of it.

+e kind and compassionate to one another19:ph. ;)/5?@

>. Am % harboring unresolved hurt or resentment$Sometimes it's easier to argue about money

than to admit when we have hurt feelings. f your spouse has hurt you and you're still harboring

that hurt or maybe even resentment you're going to see everything through that filter of

hurt. When your spouse tries to discuss financial issues, you'll be more likely to overreact.nstead of letting hurt and resentment hinder your relationship, gather the courage to deal with

the hurt. #ring it out in the open in a healthy way. o it before tackling financial issues. !hat

way you'll be able to discuss your financial issues without the e0tra burden of emotional

baggage.

o not let the sun go down while you are still angry. 9 :ph. ;)


16/37

*raham sighs. "We need Q3G worth of makeup from illard's) We need Q=>G worth of groceries a

week) We need to buy new furniture for the living room and put up new curtains) !hese are not needs,

(on."

+nna stares at the ceiling. "kay, the furniture and the curtains may not be needs, but my makeup and

"

*raham interrupts, "(oney, you're beautiful. :ou don't need to spend that kind of money on makeup."

"#ut that's what it costs. +nd don't buy it that often." She tries to snuggle ne0t to *raham, but he pulls

away.

"+re you kidding)" he says. "'m so stressed out, and you think you can $ust cuddle up and be cute and

it'll all be okay. :ou've got to take some responsibility here, +nna. !hings are not okay."

+s *raham and +nna have found, it can be a huge problem between husband and wife when one of

them spends7or seems to spendtoo much. #ut it's a problem the two of you can face and con&uer

together, especially if you keep the following principles in mind.

=. nderstand that you're on the same team when it comes to financesChances are that neither

of you wants to be told by your spouse e0actly how much you can spend or where you can spend

it. !his doesn't communicate respect or trust for one another.

:ou can start by agreeing that you both want the same things concerning money a certain

amount of security and a certain amount of freedom. !hose amounts may not be the same, butthe general goals are. 1ore importantly, you both want to emphasize the health of your

relationship over the details of accounting.

When you're on the same team, it's easier to come up with creative solutions to spending

disagreements. ;or instance, *raham and +nna might decide that each spouse will have a certain

number of dollars set aside for grooming supplies each month or each &uarter rather than

spending "as needed" on a "need" that hasn't been agreed upon.

>. nderstand the underlying reasons why your spouse overspendsLet's say a husband and

wife go to the mall. !he wife buys face powder and the man buys a computer program. Aeither

accuses the other of overspending.

#ut what if these people feel compelled to go back to the mall the ne0t day or week) What if thewife buys the newest trend in eye makeup and lipstick) What if the man buys another piece of

software he doesn't really re&uire and a memory e0pansion card that allows him to use it) !hey

may be trying to meet needs that purchases can't satisfy.

:ou've probably heard a variety of reasons for overspending5 deprived childhood, privileged

childhood, depression, an0iety, the thrill of the hunt. +ll of these have one thing in common5 a

search for security. Consciously or not, the spender thinks something like, "f have this, 'll be

in style." r, "'ll be accepted." r, "'ll be safe." r, "'ll be okay."

#uying things doesn't provide real security. t does nothing to change *od's love for us. ue to

the consumerism so prevalent in our culture, it's an ongoing battle for many people to let go of

the fleeting gratification of things for the long6term security of a relationship with *od through

Christ.

#efore making a purchase, husbands and wives need to ask themselves, "What am trying to

do)" f the answer has anything to do with finding fulfillment or escaping stress or pain, don't

buy the item. t will never meet that need. nstead, take your &uest for security to your heavenly

;ather and find it in (im.

f your spouse struggles in this area, support him or her in seeking security from *od instead of

goods. + pastor or counselor can help.


17/37


18/37

Weren't your first years of marriage supposed to be magical) Weren't you supposed to take weekend

getaways, buy spontaneous gifts and paint the town) So why does it seem that every dime is paying off

the past or accruing for the future)

%n$oying the "$ust married" moments and still saving money is challenging but you canlive well

when you prioritize your spending based on the three C's of financial contentment5

)hoose what matters most

f you can't have it all, discover the most important aspects of your activities. What's the bestthing about

going to the movies) f you think it's the atmosphere, attend an earlier cheaper/ show. f it's discussing

films with friends, rent one at home and invite the gang. ;igure out what brings you the greatesten$oyment. !hen look for ways to have fun without breaking the bank.

)herish what you have

When the 4oneses are buying hot tubs and big screen !Is, it's tempting to pull out the credit card and

keep in step. t's the +merican way, right) (ow &uickly we forget to thank *od for the simplest things.

%ven hot showers, comfortable homes and cupboards full of food represent lu0ury to people in most

other nations. Challenge yourself to take your eyes off of your neighbor's toys and to reflect upon

everyday blessings.

)ommit to God what's *is

*od commanded the sraelites in the ld !estament to give (im the first =G percent of everything they

harvested. !his showed they trusted (im to provide the rest. Aew !estament writers don't play with

percentages8 they remind us that allwe have is *od's. !he lessons5 *ive generously and spend wisely.

When we invest our time and money in (im, we reveal our hearts. +nd if you think faithful giving only

leads to eternalrewards, talk to someone who consistently offers his "first fruits." (e can probably

amaze you with stories about *od's abundant provision here on earth.

Live better and smarter by incorporating the three C's of financial contentment. (ere are >G

money6saving tips to get you going.

=. Dig discount storesSave big bucks, even on name6brand items.

>. +lay the host;orget going out. Cook for your friends or plan a potluck party.


19/37

==. Split a meal1any restaurants pile on the food. Save by sharing, or making a second meal from

your leftovers. Aote5 %ven if you split your dinner, leave a gracious tip. !he waiter served you

both.

=>. Scrutini/e salesf you've collected closets and cupboards full of wrong6sized, wrong6colored,

wrong6flavored items you'll never use, you've wasted money, not saved it. Shop carefully5 a

"sale" isn't always a "good deal."

=


20/37

4. e)t ?teps @ Related nforation

Where there is anything that's designed, there is a designer. Whether it's a truck, building or train oreven marriage there is always a mastermind behind the masterpiece. *od, the mastermind ofmarriage, also has a plan for how marriage works best.

t can be overwhelming to try and understand *od's design and plan for marital love becausecontradicting and varying messages are everywhere5 in books, magazines, movies and music. +s aresult, many couples fall into the trap of looking everywhere but to the esigner to find out what *od

intended for marriage. f you've tried understanding marriage through the world, there's a better way.

With help, you can tap into the design that *od has for marriage here in this series of articles. We canshow you how marriage is created out of divine order, is based on a covenant relationship, reflects ourrelationship with *od and truly has a greater impact in our lives than many have assumed.

(opefully, these realizations can help you to e0perience a greater sense of fulfillment and a lifelongperspective for your marrige relationship.

The 'ivine (rder to Marriage

Marriage is the full expression and design of .od,s image in human beings&

by Dr. David Byle *oster

Next Article in Series:

Crevious Article

e)t Article

1. ,verview". &he Divine ,rder to 7arriage

%. !ovenant< &he >eart of the 7arriage 7ystery

(. Reflecting ,ur Relationship With ;od

-. 7arriage6s 7eaning for 2elievers

. ;od6s Design for 7arriage

0. Why 7arriage 7atters for Adults

3. Reclaiing the >eart of 7arriage

4. e)t ?teps @ Related nforation

n *enesis we read5

%nd the Lord &od said# -It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.- . .

. *o the Lord &od caused the man to fall into a deep sleep8 and while he was sleeping# He took one ofthe man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord &od made a woman from the rib =side@

he had taken out of the man# and he brought her to the man.*en >5=D, >= >>/

Why did *od do it that way) Why create one being and then take a part of that being and create asecond, differentiated yet complementary being who is "bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh," abeing who is se0ually, emotionally and in other ways different, yet of his own substance) pon seeing
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/next_steps.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/covenant_the_heart_of_the_marriage_mystery.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/covenant_the_heart_of_the_marriage_mystery.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/reflecting_our_relationship_with_god.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/marriages_meaning_for_believers.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/gods_design_for_marriage.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/why_marriage_matters_for_adults.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/reclaiming_the_heart_of_marriage.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/next_steps.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/next_steps.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/covenant_the_heart_of_the_marriage_mystery.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/covenant_the_heart_of_the_marriage_mystery.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/reflecting_our_relationship_with_god.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/marriages_meaning_for_believers.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/gods_design_for_marriage.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/why_marriage_matters_for_adults.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/reclaiming_the_heart_of_marriage.aspxhttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/next_steps.aspx


21/37

her, +dam could have observed, "t's me . . . but not me." Well, if you think about it, it does sound likethe kind of thing you might e0pect a !rinity to do.

!he !rinity ;ather, Son, (oly Spirit/ is a family, and thus man in *od's image must be made a familyas well. !herefore, a man cannot completely realize the essence of his e0istence until he learns to e0istwith someone and for someone. #oth relationship and communion are crucial to this process.

+nd so we see from *enesis = and > that *od created woman from the side of man so that the manwould not be alone. ;rom the teaching of the Aew !estament, saints have since discovered that (e also

created the Church from the side of the second +damChristfor the same reasonfor intimatefellowship.

#ack in the *enesis account, we note that the newly created %ve was +dam his very flesh and bone,and for that reason, the #ible says, +dam called her woman, and, for that reason a man is to leavemother and father and be united to his wife to become one flesh v>E/.

;or what reason is man to marry a wife) #ecause woman was originally a constituent part of man, shemust return to become one with him again, so that the full e0pression and design of *od's image inhuman beings can be revealed.

(ere we have another parallel between the ld !estament type and the Aew !estament fulfillment. %vewas to reunite with her source and become one with him$ust as we are with Christ, as (e prayed in4ohn =2. Se0uality, therefore, is a prefigurement of the intimate relationship that *od desires to havewith man. n fact, the marital union and covenant, in all its dimensions, is meant to gloriously reveal thevery image of *od in ways that we can only begin to understand.

+h, but there's more to this mystery than can be seen on the surface. !he union of a man and a woman in(oly 1atrimony is not literally the permanent recombining of two bodies into one. !his is mystery thatreaches depths of meaning beyond what our present intellectual capacity can grasp.

Clearly however, what woman is as a part of man is not tied to individuated pieces of flesh and bone, but

is far broader and more profound than that. She is the necessary compliment to him that together revealsthe glory of the image of *od in humanity. (er parts and his parts each have their own order andfunction. !ogether and rightly ordered, their united differences ignite the power and glory of creationitself, which is the consummate activity of *od from the beginning.

So *od does a two stage creation of man. ;irst he makes the full orbed being +dam, which in the(ebrew means, mankind/. !hen in phase two, *od removes woman from +dam's side and makes %ve aseparate being, though of +dam's substance, designed to ultimately reunite to her source through themystery of (oly 1atrimony.

+nd the spark, the power of that union is meant to gloriously reveal the very image of *od to angels and

archangels and all the company of heaven and earth. !hat is why Satan fights tooth and nail to pervertand distort rightly ordered human se0uality, holy matrimony, the family, and fatherhood in particular.

n fact, the amount of time and effort that Satan e0pends to destroy the image of *od reflected inmarriage, fatherhood and human se0uality is a barometer of $ust how incredibly important it is to *od'splan and the e0pression of (is glory.

#eloved, there is a profound and awesome reason for the way *od ordered the creation of manonethat is commented on throughout Scripture, and one that we must observe if we are to find thefulfillment of our very being as humans. t is ordered as the union of a man and a woman in marriageheterose0ual and monogamousan order that 4esus unambiguously reaffirmed in 1atthew.


22/37

Love Languages

0 &hat if % cannot discover my primary love language$

TJve taken !he Love Language -rofile and my scores come out almost even e0cept forEeceiving &ifts. know that is not my primary love language.K

n the book, discuss three approaches to discovering your love language.

U ;irst, observe how you most often e0press love to others. f you are regularly doing acts of service forothers, this may be your love language. f you are consistently, verbally affirming people, then "ords of%ffirmationis likely your love language.

U What do you complain about most often) When you say to your spouse, T donJt think you would evertouch me if did not initiate it,K you are revealing that!hysical Touchis your love language. When yourspouse goes on a business trip and you say, T:ou didnJt bringme anything)K you are indicating thatEeceiving &iftsis your language. !he statement, TWe donJt ever spend time together,K indicates the lovelanguage of uality Time. :our complaints reveal your inner desires. f you have difficultyremembering what you complain about most often, suggest that you ask your spouse. Chances are they

will know./

U What do you re&uest of your spouse most often) f you are saying TWill you give me a back rub)K youare asking for!hysical Touch. To you think we could get a weekend away this month)K is a re&uest foruality Time. TWould it be possible for you to mow the grass this afternoon)K e0presses your desire for%cts of *ervice.:our answer to these three &uestions will likely reveal your primary love language./

ne husband told me that he discovered his love language by simply following the process ofelimination. (e knew thatEeceiving &iftswas not his language so that left only four. (e asked himself,Tf had to give up one of the four, which one would give up first)K (is answer was uality Time. Tfthe three remaining, if had to give up another, which one would give up)K (e concluded that apart

from se0ual intercourse, he could give up!hysical Touch. (e could get along without the pats and hugsand holding hands. !his left%cts of *erviceand "ords of %ffirmation. While he appreciated the thingshis wife did for him, he knew that her affirming words were really what gave him life. (e could go awhole day on a positive comment from her. !hus, "ords of %ffirmationwas his primary love languageand%cts of *ervicehis secondary love language.

1 &hat if % cannot discover my spouse2s love language$

T1y husband hasnJt read the book, but we have discussed the love languages. (e says that he doesnJtknow what his love language is.K

1y first suggestion is to give him a copy of The 0 Love Languages enGs :dition.Since it is gearedspecifically to husbands, he is more likely to read it. f he reads it, he will be eager to share his lovelanguage with you. (owever, if he is unwilling to read the book, would suggest you answer the three&uestions discussed above.

U (ow does he most often e0press love to others)U What does he complain about most often)U What does he re&uest most often)

!hough our spouseJs complaints normally irritate us, they are actually giving us valuable information. fa spouse says, TWe donJt ever spend any time together,K you may be tempted to say, TWhat do you

mean) We went out to dinner !hursday night.K Such a defensive statement will end the conversation.


23/37

(owever, if you respond, TWhat would you like for us to do)K you will likely get an answer. !hecomplaints of your spouse are the most powerful indicators of the primary love language.

+nother approach is to do a five6week e0periment. !he first week, you focus on one of the five lovelanguages and seek to speak it every day and observe the response of your spouse. n Saturday andSunday, you rela0. !he second week1onday through ;ridayyou focus on another of the lovelanguages and continue with a different language each of the five weeks. n the week you are speakingyour spouseJs primary love language, you are likely to see a difference in their countenance and the waythey respond to you. t will be obvious that this is their primary love language.

3 Does your love language change as you get older$

think that our primary love language tends to stay with us for a lifetime. t is like many otherpersonality traits that develop early and remain consistent. ;or e0ample, a highly organized person waslikely organized as a child. + person who is more laid6back and rela0ed likely had that trait as a child.!his is true of numerous personality traits.

(owever, there are certain situations in life that make the other love languages e0tremely attractive. ;ore0ample, your primary love language may be "ords of%ffirmation, but if you are the mother of threepreschool children, then%cts of *erviceby your husband may become e0tremely attractive to you. f he

gives you only "ords of%ffirmationand does not offer to help you with household responsibilities, youmay begin to feel TJm tired of hearing you say, V love youJ when you never lift a hand to help me.K ;orthose years, it may appear that%cts of *ervicehas become your primary love language. (owever, if"ords of %ffirmationcease, you will &uickly know that this continues to be your primary love language.

f you e0perience the death of a parent or a close friend, even if!hysical Touchis not your primary lovelanguage, an e0tended hug by your spouse may be the most meaningful thing for you at the moment.!here is something about being held in the midst of our grief that communicates that we are loved.While!hysical Touchis not your primary love language, it is e0tremely meaningful on such occasions.

4 Does the 5 love language concept wor" with children$

1ost definitely. like to visualize that inside every child there is an emotional love tank. f the childfeels loved by the parents, the child grows up normally. #ut if the love tank is empty and the child doesnot feel loved, heNshe will grow up with many internal struggles and during the teenage years will golooking for love, often in the wrong places. t is e0tremely important that parents learn how to lovechildren effectively. Some time ago, teamed up with psychiatrist 9oss Campbell and wrote the bookThe 0 Love Languages of (hildren.t is written for parents and is designed to help them discover thechildJs primary love language. t also discusses how this interfaces with the childJs anger, the childJslearning, and with discipline.

ne of the points we make in the book is that children need to learn how to receive and give love in all

five languages. !his produces an emotionally healthy adult. !hus, parents are encouraged to give heavydoses of the childJs primary love language, then sprinkle in the other four regularly. When the childreceives love in all five languages, heNshe will eventually learn how to give love in all five languages.

5 Do children2s love languages change when they get to be teenagers$

+ parent said, TJve read your and r. CampbellJs book The 0 Love Languages of (hildren.t reallyhelped us in raising our children. (owever, now our son has become a teenager. WeJre doing the samethings weJve always done but it doesnJt seem to be working. Jm wondering if his love language haschanged.K


24/37

do not believe that a childJs love language changes at age thirteen. (owever, you must learn new waysto speak the childJs primary love language. Whatever you have been doing in the past, the teenagerconsiders to be childish and will want nothing to do with it. f the teenJs love language is!hysicalTouchand you have been hugging and kissing on the cheek, the teenager may well push you away andsay, TLeave me alone.K t does not mean that he does not need physical touch8 it means that he considersthose particular touches to be childish. :ou must now speak!hysical Touchin more adult dialects suchas an elbow to the side, a fist to the shoulder, a pat on the back, or wrestle the teen to the floor. !hesetouches will communicate your love to a teenager. !he worst thing you can do to a teenager whose lovelanguage is!hysical Touchis to withdraw when the teen says, TonJt touch me.K

n my book The 0 Love Languages of Teenagers#which is written for parents, also discuss the teenJsdesire for freedom and the necessity of linking advanced freedom with advanced responsibility. +s teensget older, they become more capable. !hus they need to have more responsibilities. When theseresponsibilities are tied with increased freedom, the teenager is motivated to become a responsibleyoung person.

;or e0ample, if you are going to allow the teen to drive a car, this freedom should be accompanied by aresponsibility such as washing the car every Saturday by noon. f they fail to meet this responsibility,there should be specific conse&uences already in place, such as losing the privilege of driving for twodays. f the parent consistently applies the conse&uences, the teenager will have an e0tremely clean car

and will learn that freedom and responsibility are opposite sides of the same coin.

6 &hat if the primary love language of your spouse is difficult for you$

T did not grow up in a touching family and now have discovered that my spouseJs love language is!hysical Touch. t is e0tremely difficult for me to initiate physical touch.K

!he good news is that all of the five love languages can be learned. t is true that most of us grew upspeaking only one or two of these love languages. !hese will come natural for us and will be relativelyeasy. !he others must be learned. +s in all learning situations, small steps make for big gains. f!hysical Touchis your spouseJs language and you are not by nature a Ttoucher,K begin with such small

things as putting your hand on the shoulder of your spouse as you pour the cup of coffee or give a TlovepatK on the shoulder as you walk by. !hese small touches will begin to break down the barrier. %achtime you touch, the ne0t touch will be easier. :ou can become proficient in speaking the language of!hysical Touch.

!he same is true with the other languages. f you are not a "ords of %ffirmationperson and you discoverthat your spouseJs language is "ords of %ffirmation, as indicated in the book, you can make a list ofstatements that you hear from other persons or read in magazines or books. Stand in front of a mirrorand read the list until you become comfortable hearing yourself say those words. !hen choose one of thestatements, walk in the room, and say it to your spouse. %ach time you affirm them, it will becomeeasier. Aot only is your spouse feeling good about your changed behavior, but you are also feeling good

about yourself, because you know that you are effectively e0pressing love to your spouse.

7 Are some of the love languages found more among women and others with men$

have never done the research to discover if the love languages are gender6slanted. t may be true thatmore men have!hysical Touchand "ords of %ffirmationas their love language and more women haveuality Timeand &ifts. #ut donJt know if that is true.

prefer to deal with the love languages as being gender6neutral. do know that any one of these lovelanguages can be the primary lovelanguage of a man or the primary love language of a woman. !he important thing in marriage is that you


25/37

discover the primary and secondary love languages of your spouse and you speak these regularly. f youdo this, you will create a healthy emotional climate for marital growth.

8 *ow did you discover the five love languages$

n the book, share some of my encounters with couples through the years that brought me to realizethat what makes one person feel loved does not necessarily make another person feel loved. ;or anumber of years, have been helping couples in the counseling office discover what their spouse desiredin order to feel loved. %ventually, began to see a pattern in their responses. !herefore, decided to read

the notes had made over twelve years of counseling couples and ask myself the &uestion, TWhensomeone sat in my office and said, V feel like my spouse doesnJt love me,J what did they want)K !heiranswers fell into five categories. later called them the five love languages.

then started sharing these languages in workshops and study groups. %very time shared the concept ofthe love languages, the Tlights came onK for couples and they realized why they had been missing eachother emotionally. When they discovered and spoke each otherJs primary love language, it radicallychanged the emotional climate of their marriage. !herefore, decided to write a book in which wouldshare the concept, hoping to influence thousands of couples whom would never have an opportunity tomeet in person. Aow that the book has sold over fD million copies in %nglish and has been translatedinto EF languages around the world, my efforts have been more than rewarded.

9 Do the love languages wor" in other cultures$

Since my academic background is anthropology, this was my &uestion when the Spanish publisher camefirst and re&uested permission to translate and publish the book in Spanish. initially said, T donJt knowif this concept works in Spanish. discovered it in the +nglo setting.K !he publisher said, TWe have readthe book and it works in Spanish.K So was glad to know the book was to be translated and published inSpanish. !hen came the ;rench edition, the *erman, the utch, etc. n almost every culture, the bookhas become the bestseller of the publisher. !his leads me to believe that these five fundamental ways ofe0pressing love are universal.

(owever, the dialects in which these languages are spoken will differ from culture to culture. ;ore0ample, the kind of touches that are appropriate in one culture may not be appropriate in anotherculture. !he%cts of *ervicethat are spoken in one culture may not be spoken in another culture. #utwhen these cultural adaptations are made, the concept of the five love languages will have a profoundimpact upon the couples in that culture.

0: &hy do you thin" The 5 Love Languageshas been so successful$

believe that our deepest emotional need is the need to feel loved. f we are married, the person wewould most like to love us is our spouse. f we feel loved by our spouse, the whole world is bright andlife is wonderful. n the other hand, if we feel re$ected or ignored, the world begins to look dark.

1ost couples get married when they still have the euphoric feelings of being in love. When the euphoricfeelings evaporate some time after the wedding and their differences begin to emerge, they often findthemselves in conflict. With no positive plan for resolving conflicts, they often find themselves speakingharshly to each other. (arsh words create feelings of hurt, disappointment, and anger. Aot only do theyfeel unloved, but they also begin to resent each other.

When couples read The 0 Love Languages, they discover why they lost the romantic feelings ofcourtship and how emotional love can be rekindled in their relationship. nce they begin speaking eachotherJs primary love language, they are surprised to see how &uickly their emotions turn positive. With afull love tank, they can now process their conflicts in a much more positive manner and find solutions


26/37

that are workable. !he rebirth of emotional love creates a positive emotional climate between the two ofthem and they learn to work together as a teamencouraging, supporting, and helping each other reachmeaningful goals.

nce this happens, they want to share the message of the five love languages with all of their friends.%very year since its first publication, the book has sold more than it did the year before. believe thesuccess of The Five Love Languagescan be attributed to the couples who have read it, learned to speakeach otherJs language, and recommended it to their friends.

00 &hat if % spea" my spouse2s love language and they don2t respond$T1y husband would not read the book so decided to speak his love language and see what wouldhappen. Aothing happened. (e didnJt even acknowledge that was doing anything differently. (owlong am supposed to continue speaking his love language when there is no response)K

know that it can become discouraging when you feel that you are investing in the marriage and arereceiving nothing in return. !here are two possibilities as to why your husband is not responding. ;irstand most likely, you are speaking the wrong love language. Wives often assume that their husbandJslove language is!hysical Touch. !herefore, they make significant changes in the way they respond totheir husbandJs se0ual desires. ften they will initiate se0ual intercourse. She is sincerely trying tospeak his love language. When he does not so much as acknowledge her efforts, she becomes

discouraged. n reality, his primary love language may be "ords of %ffirmation. #ecause she feels nolove coming from him, she may be verbally critical of him. (er critical words are like daggers to hisheart, so he withdraws from her. (is only pleasure in the marriage is those moments of se0ual intimacy,but they are not enough to alleviate the emotional sense of re$ection he feels from her critical words. (esuffers in silence while she becomes frustrated that her efforts for improving the marriage areunsuccessful. !he problem is not her sincerity8 the problem is that she is actually speaking the wronglove language.

n the other hand, assuming you are speaking your spouseJs primary love language, there is anotherreason why they may not be responding positively. f the spouse is already involved in another romanticrelationship, either emotionally or se0ually, they will often reason that your efforts have come too late.

!hey may even perceive that your efforts are temporary and insincere and that you are simply trying tomanipulate them to stay in the marriage. %ven if your spouse is not involved with someone else, if yourrelationship has been hostile for a long time, they may still perceive your efforts as being manipulative.

n this situation, the temptation is to give up, to stop speaking their love language because it is notmaking any difference. !he worst thing you can do is to yield to this temptation. f you give up, it willconfirm their conclusion that your efforts were designed to manipulate them. !he best approach you cantake is to continue to speak their love language on a regular basis no matter how they treat you. Setyourself a goal of si0 months, nine months, or a year. :our attitude is TWhatever their response, Jmgoing to love them in their love language over the long haul. f they walk away from me, they will walkaway from someone who is loving them unconditionally.K !his attitude will keep you on a positive road

even when you feel discouraged. !here is nothing more powerful that you can do than to love yourspouse even when they are not responding positively. Whatever the ultimate response of your spouse,you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you have done everything you could do to restore yourmarriage. f your spouse eventually chooses to reciprocate your love, you will have demonstrated foryourself the power of unconditional love. +nd you will reap the benefits of the rebirth of mutual love.

01 )an love be reborn after se;ual infidelity$

Aothing devastates marital intimacy more than se0ual unfaithfulness. Se0ual intercourse is a bondinge0perience. t unites two people in the deepest possible manner. +ll cultures have a public weddingceremony and a private consummation of the marriage in se0ual intercourse. Se0 is designed to be the


27/37

uni&ue e0pression of our commitment to each other for a lifetime. When this commitment is broken, it isdevastating to the marriage.

(owever, this does not mean that the marriage is destined for divorce. f the offending party is willing tobreak off the e0tramarital involvement and do the hard work of rebuilding the marriage, there can begenuine restoration. n my own counseling, have seen scores of couples who have e0perienced healingafter se0ual infidelity. t involves not only breaking off the e0tramarital affair, but discovering what ledto the affair. Success in restoration is a two6pronged approach. ;irst, the offending party must be willingto e0plore their own personality, beliefs, and lifestyle that led them to the affair. !here must be a

willingness to change attitudes and behavior patterns. Second, the couple must be willing to take anhonest look at the dynamics of their marriage and be open to replacing destructive patterns with positivepatterns of integrity and sincerity. #oth of these will normally re&uire the help of a professionalcounselor.

9esearch indicates that those couples who are most likely to survive se0ual infidelity are those coupleswho receive both individual counseling and marriage counseling. nderstanding the five love languagesand choosing to speak each otherJs language can help create an emotional climate in which the hardwork of restoring the marriage can be successful.

03 &hat do you do when a spouse refuses to spea" your love language even when they "now it$

TWe both read The 0 Love Languages, took the profile, and discussed our primary love languages witheach other. !hat was two months ago. 1y wife knows that my love language is "ords of %ffirmation.:et, in two months, have yet to hear her say anything positive. (er love language is%cts of *ervice. have started doing several things she has asked me to do around the house. think she appreciates what am doing, but she never tells me.K

Let me begin by saying that we cannot make our spouse speak our love language. Love is a choice. Wecan re&uest love, but we cannot demand love. (aving said that, let me suggest some reasons why yourwife may not be speaking your love language. She may have grown up in a home where she receivedfew positive words. (er parents were perhaps very critical of her. !hus, she did not have a positive role

model of speaking "ords of %ffirmation. Such words may be very difficult for her to speak. t willre&uire effort on her part and patience on your part as she learns to speak a language that is foreign toher.

+ second reason that she may not be speaking your love language is she fears that if she gives you"ords of %ffirmationfor the few changes you have made, you will become complacent, and you will notgo on to make th

meeting your spouse

Documents