miller intimate relationships, 6/e chapter 5 communication copyright (c) 2012 by the mcgraw-hill...

Miller Intimate Relationships, 6/e

Chapter 5

Communication

Copyright (c) 2012 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.McGraw-Hill/Irwin

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Communication

More often than we realize, we face an

interpersonal gapin which a sender’s intentions

--what he or she wanted to communicate--

differ from the messages that others actually receive.

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Nonverbal Communication

• Nonverbal communication involves all the things people do in interaction except for what they say.

What people say — the vocabulary, grammar, and syntax they use — is verbal communication.

But the sound of their voices – or how they say things – is nonverbal communication.

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Functions of Nonverbal Communication

• Providing Information– A person’s moods and meaning are usually evident in his or her

nonverbal behavior.

• Regulating Interaction– Subtle nonverbal cues allow people to take turns in a

conversation smoothly.

• Defining the Nature of the Relationship– Nonverbal actions express intimacy and carry signals of power

and status.

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Components of Nonverbal Communication

Facial ExpressionsAll over the world, people display particular facial expressions when they are feeling certain emotions.

As a result, facial expressions are good guides to others’ moods and feelings…

…when they’re authentic and honest.

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Facial Expressions

Because facial expressions are so informative, people sometimes try to control them:

– Intensifying, or exaggerating, them– Minimizing, or lessening, them– Neutralizing, or withholding, them– Masking, or replacing, them with other apparent emotions

This can occur due to display rules: the cultural norms that dictate what emotions are appropriate in particular situations.


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Gazing Behavior

The direction and amount of a person’s eye contact is also influential.

• Looking at someone can communicate interest and affection.

Strangers who spend time gazing into each other’s eyes tend to like each other.


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Gazing Behavior

• But a lot of looking can also communicate dominance and status. “look-speak”

The visual = ----------------------------dominance ratio “look-listen”

(VDR)High-status people tend to use a higher visual dominance ratio (VDR) than people of lower status do.


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Body MovementGestures can replace spoken words, but they

vary widely from culture to culture.

The language of the face needs no interpreter, but that’s not true of the language of gestures.


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Body MovementThe posture and motion of the body are also informative.

Brief observation of the behavior of others allows us to judge their personalities with some accuracy.

Body postures also signal status. High-status people adopt open, asymmetric postures that take up a lot of space.


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Touch

Touching defines relationships.

• It conveys closeness and affection. Partners touch each other more as their relationship becomes more intimate.

• It also signals dominance and status. High-status people are more likely to touch those of lower status than vice versa.


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Interpersonal DistanceWe use different zones of personal space for different

kinds of interactions:

• Intimate zone – the area within 1½ feet of the front of our chests.• Personal zone – the area 1½ to 4 feet away used for interactions

with friends and acquaintances.• Social zone – businesslike interactions 4 to 12 feet away.• Public zone – formal interactions at larger distances.


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ParalanguageAll the variations in a person’s voice other than

the actual words he or she uses:• rhythm• pitch • loudness • rate


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Paralanguage

A good example of distinctive paralanguage is “baby talk,” a vocal style characterized by variable intonation, high pitch, and unique rhythms.

We often use “baby talk” with babies, lovers, and pets, and we may use it with elderly or infirm people (who may or may not like being addressed in this way.)

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Combining the Components

Nonverbal behavior usually reinforces our verbal meaning. But when there is a discrepancy between people’s words and actions, their true meaning usually lies in their nonverbal, not their verbal, communication.

Sarcasm – in which people say one thing but mean another – is a good example.

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Combining the ComponentsThese various nonverbal actions also allow us to fine-tune

the intimacy of our interactions to establish a comfortable level of closeness.

We can increase or decrease the perceived intimacy of an interaction by adjusting, for instance, our distance, gaze, lean, and touch.


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Nonverbal Sensitivity

The accuracy with which couples communicate nonverbally predicts how happy their relationships will be.

Spouses who do poorly at nonverbal communication tend to be dissatisfied…

…and when such problems occur, it’s usually the husband’s fault.

Why?

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Women work harder at nonverbal communication than men usually do.

They send clearer, more comprehensible messages, and they attentively interpret others’ behavior more accurately.

When spouses communicate poorly, both of them make a lot of mistakes, but the husbands usually make more of them.

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Nonverbal deficits may occur either because people lack the necessary skills or because they’re not trying very hard to do well.

For most of us, nonverbal insensitivity is likely due to inattention and a lack of effort.

Men read others as well as women do when they are equally motivated to make good judgments.

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Verbal Communication

Self-Disclosure

The process of revealing personal information about oneself to someone else -- self-disclosure -- is one of the defining hallmarks of intimacy.

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Self-Disclosure

The Theory of Social Penetration

As relationships develop, partners become more intimate by increasing two aspects of their verbal communication:– Its breadth – the variety of topics they discuss,

and – Its depth – the personal significance of the topics

they discuss.

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Self-Disclosure

The Theory of Social Penetration

• Self-disclosure at the beginning of a relationship tends to be narrow and shallow, gaining breadth and depth as the relationship develops.

• Reciprocity is evident, as the partners match each other’s level of openness.

• Responsiveness sustains intimacy and depth.• But even in the closest partnerships, people keep

some things to themselves.

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Self-Disclosure

Taboo topics are sensitive matters that partners agree, explicitly or implicitly, not to discuss.

The most common taboo topic is the state of one’s relationship. People may devise various tests of a partner’s interest and devotion, and they may interrogate a partner’s friends, but the issue often seems too delicate to be discussed openly with the partner.

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Self-Disclosure

Is Self-Disclosure Always Gradual?

Self-disclosure is usually, but not always, gradual.

We sometimes tell new partners personal things soon after meeting them. However, saying too much too soon is risky. It violates others’ expectations and often makes a poor impression.

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Self-Disclosure

Self-Disclosure and Relationship Satisfaction

Self-disclosure that fits the situation breeds liking and contentment in close relationships, for several reasons:

– We reveal more personal information to those we like;– We also tend to like others more because we have opened up

to them;– Reciprocal self-disclosure builds trust; and– We’re liked more by others when we self-disclose.

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Gender Differences inVerbal Communication

Topics of Conversation

Women discuss their feelings and gossip about others more often than men do.

Men tend to stick to more impersonal matters such as sports, and they seek a few laughs instead of support and counsel.

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Styles of Conversation

Women’s usual style: -they speak less forcefully -style is more indirect and tentative -use more hedges and questions -use less profanity than men doMen’s usual style:

-seems more direct-more certain-more dynamic

-more knowledgeable


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Self-Disclosure

Men tend to disclose less to their partners than women do, but they do disclose more personal information to women than to other men.

As a result, interactions that involve a woman tend to be more intimate than are interactions that involve only men.

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Instrumentality Versus Expressivity

Whether they are male or female, people who are high in expressivity share intimate verbal communication with people they trust.

So, it’s really just macho men who are taciturn and who have difficulty opening up to their partners.

--Androgynous men tend to have intimate, disclosing interactions with both men and women, just like women do.

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Instrumentality Versus ExpressivityStill, about half of all men are comparatively close-mouthed

about their feelings. So:

• If a man isn’t complaining, women tend to think everything’s okay

• But if a woman isn’t overtly affectionate, men tend to think something’s wrong.

Men and women tend to differ in their reactions to neutral interactions that are devoid of either affection or animosity.

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Dysfunctional Communicationand What to Do about It

Miscommunication

Unhappy partners do a poor job of saying what they mean.

– They’re prone to kitchen-sinking, in which they confuse issues by addressing several topics at once.

– Their conversations frequently drift off-beam, wandering from topic to topic.

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MiscommunicationUnhappy partners also do a poor job of hearing each

other.

– They jump to conclusions with mindreading, and wrongly assume that they understand their partners.

– They interrupt to express disagreement frequently.– They find fault with anything their partner says, known as

yes-butting.– They also engage in cross-complaining, responding to a

partner’s complaint with one of their own.


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MiscommunicationUnhappy partners also display negative affect when they

talk with each other:

– Criticism attacks a partner’s personality or character;– Contempt in the form of mockery and insults occurs;– Defensiveness leads to excuses or counterattacks;– Stonewalling may follow when someone withdraws; and– Belligerence and aggressiveness can result.

When communication routinely involves these contentious patterns, the outlook for the relationship is grim.


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Saying What We Mean

• Behavior description involves identifying as plainly as possible a specific behavior that annoyed us.

• I-statements start with “I” and then describe a distinct, specific emotional reaction.

• XYZ statements combine behavior descriptions with

I-statements:

“When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z.”


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Active Listening

As listeners, we face two vital tasks:

• Accurately understanding what our partners are trying to say, and

• Communicating that attention and comprehension to our partners so that they know we care about what they’ve said.


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Active Listening

• Paraphrasing involves repeating a message in our own words and giving the sender a chance to agree that that’s what he or she really meant.

• Perception checking occurs when we assess the accuracy of our inferences by asking for clarification and feedback.


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Being Polite and Staying Cool

Unhappy partners tend to fall into cantankerous cycles of irascible interaction.

Avoiding this pattern by staying cool when you’re provoked, and being able to calm down when you begin to get angry, are very valuable skills.


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Being Polite and Staying Cool

• Avoid the temptation to attribute hostile intent to your partner.

• Schedule regular meetings for the polite airing of grievances.

• Don’t keep trading sarcastic insults when you get angry; take a “time out”.

• Take just six long, slow, deep breaths per minute, and you’ll calm down faster than you think.


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The Power of Respect and Validation

Validation acknowledges the legitimacy of our partners’ opinions and communicates respect for their positions…

…even when we disagree with them.

Recognition of, and respect for, a partner’s point of view can make disagreements much more tolerable.

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For Your Consideration

James loved deer hunting season. He liked to sit shivering in a deer blind in the chill before dawn, sipping coffee, and waiting for what the day would bring. But his wife Judy always dreaded that time of year. James would be gone for several weekends in a row, and each time he returned he’d either be grumpy because he was empty-handed or he would have lots of venison—and extra work—for her to handle. The costs of his permit and lease were also substantial, and the expense kept them from enjoying an occasional weekend at that bed-and-breakfast at the lake she liked so much.

So, when Judy handed James a thermos of hot coffee and walked with him to the door at 4:30 in the morning on the first day of deer season, she was already feeling melancholy and lonely. She looked at him and tried to be cheerful, but her smile was forced and her expression downcast as she said in a plaintive tone, “Have a nice time, dear.” James happily replied, “Okay, thanks, hon. See you Sunday night!” and was gone.

What do you think the future holds for James and Judy? Why?

miller intimate relationships, 6/e chapter 5 communication copyright (c) 2012 by the mcgraw-hill...

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