mothers and sons
DESCRIPTION
social relationsTRANSCRIPT
![Page 1: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/1.jpg)
Mothers and Adolescent Sons
The unique role of a mother in the life of her adolescent son
Suzanne M. Haynes [email protected]
![Page 2: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/2.jpg)
Overview
Gender role history Mother/son relationship Changes in adolescence A mother’s unique role Reading recommendations
![Page 3: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/3.jpg)
Fifty years of change in how we define gender roles
Until 1960s: Yeah, Men! Women were dependent
‘70-’80s: Yeah, Women! Women were independent
‘90s: Understanding and appreciating differences
21st Century: Gender-specific qualities have value – We can share power and develop interdependence
These social transitions have been rapid and confusing at times for men and women.
![Page 4: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/4.jpg)
Effects of these changes
These changes have brought intense focus on:
Mother/Daughter Relationship
Father/Son Relationship
Father/Daughter Relationship
![Page 5: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/5.jpg)
What about the Mother/Son relationship?
How can strong informed mothers best prepare their sons for adulthood in the modern world?
What unique role does a mother play in her son’s life?
How does a mother guide her son to be: Strong but sensitive Tough but emotionally available Understanding of himself and others Able to face the myriad temptations in the world
around him
![Page 6: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/6.jpg)
In the beginning…
A boy’s first love is his mother
“As a baby, your son will always be looking for his mother’s face…”
Freud was right! He really does want to marry you
As his mother, you are all important
![Page 7: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/7.jpg)
A mother’s unique role is to…
Keep track of her son’s emotional well-being
Provide love, affection, safety, security and comfort
Be the emotional home base for her son, and be at the center of a circle that expands as he matures
Help him be aware of his own feelings and provides a safe place to experience those feelings
A boy loves to capture the attention of his mother: the swimming pool effect
![Page 8: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/8.jpg)
Special Qualities of Boys
Warm Receptive Spontaneous Playful
A mother who has not been raised around boys herself, may find some of these qualities extreme, even alarming, and may mistake them for abnormal behavior patterns.
Physical High activity level Demonstrative Noisy
…and…
![Page 9: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/9.jpg)
Boys’ play is typically
Rambunctious
Physically interactive
Involving pretend aggression
Themed around competition, speed, combat, power
Like “a box of puppies”
![Page 10: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/10.jpg)
Emerging adolescence can…
Seem sudden
Be confusing to both you and your teen
Bring about physical, emotional and psychological changes
Then adolescence hits
![Page 11: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/11.jpg)
Teen girls differ from teen boys:
Girls Argumentative Sassy Confrontational Hyper-emotional A strong desire to be
different from their mothers
Boys Brooding Edgy Distant Withdrawn Hard to “reach”
…so, why is he putting up this wall?
![Page 12: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/12.jpg)
…adolescent boys must strive for independence
As a consequence, a teen boy will: Mask or conceal his attachment to his mother Feel ambivalent and embarrassed by his
continuing tender feelings for his mother Push away from the warmth and security of his
childhood
This may be normal, but it is often a painful process for both mother and son
![Page 13: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/13.jpg)
A mother’s instinctive reaction
As a mother, you naturally attempt to reestablish closeness with your son. But his reaction can be…
Feelings of confrontation and intrusion Flashes of anger followed by withdrawal
Withdrawal is his defense against an internal state of intense physical arousal that he must suppress because he does not want to respond with aggression toward his mother
![Page 14: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/14.jpg)
Remember…
Despite this appearance, your son continues to look to you for guidance, understanding and support
You are still your adolescent son’s emotional home base
Do not take the changes in your relationship personally
These changes are normal--perhaps necessary--for him to achieve adult maturity
But what is a mother to do???
![Page 15: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/15.jpg)
A teen boy needs his mom to:
Listen Advise Parent authoritatively Provide vigilant trust Offer tender affection Establish a “code of conduct” Be the Ambassador of Women
![Page 16: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/16.jpg)
Listen: Be a big ear
Timing is everything Be patient Signal full attention Ask for clarification Remember that listening to him is more important
than solving his problems If he is unwilling to talk, remind him that you are
there when he’s ready
![Page 17: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/17.jpg)
Advice follows listening
Good listening builds trust and comfort between you and your son
He is much more likely to be receptive to your advice after you have patiently listened to him
Offer advice in the form of a question: “Have you thought about this possibility?” “What would happen if you did this?” “What is your best judgment on this?”
![Page 18: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/18.jpg)
Authoritative parenting
High support and understanding + high expectations and demands
The Gold Standard of Parenting Reinforces increasing degrees of responsibility for
himself Is associated with:
Higher school grades, higher self-esteem and self-reliance Lower drug/alcohol usage and delinquent behavior Lowered risk of anxiety/depression
![Page 19: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/19.jpg)
An authoritative mother:
Maintains self-confidence as a parenting authority Lets her son do as much as he can for himself Provides the healthy burden of positive expectations Reminds her son that he is an important member of
the family and encourages his participation Encourages her son’s individuality and allows him to
disagree without losing her affection Sets consequences for his wrongdoings that teach a
lesson rather than punish
![Page 20: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/20.jpg)
Vigilant trust*
Be aware of the social environment Discuss expectations of behavior Listen to ideas Set guidelines Trust but remain vigilant Monitor behavior Give consequences if trust is broken - and it will be! Reinstate trust
*See Strong Mother’s, Strong Sons in “Recommended Reading”
![Page 21: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/21.jpg)
Offer tender affection
It can be awkward because: The physical changes of adolescence can make you
and your son uncomfortable with affection Some teen boys shun physical affection because it
reminds them of their childhood vulnerabilities
Teen boys still need affection and tactile reassurance Find ways to remind one another that you can still be
comfortable with physical affection with well-timed hugs and kisses
Warm, non-sexual physical closeness balances male aggression and prepares the teen boy for physical closeness in his adult relationships
![Page 22: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/22.jpg)
Code of Conduct
It is often a mother who determines and maintains standards of social behavior in and out of the home:
Model the behavior you want to see Let him know how you expect him to behave Acknowledge that you have begun to relinquish control Let him hear what offends you Remind him of how others are affected by his behavior Insist on fair play, safety and mutual respect
![Page 23: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/23.jpg)
Mother as the Ambassador of Women
Sensitize your son to respect girls and women Make expectations for how your son treats females Counteract the often crude and vulgar portrayal of women in
the media Communicate that abstinence and postponement of sexual
behavior is better than acting too soon Teach that sex should be associated with love, respect and
commitment rather than dominance or aggression Inform your son that girls typically associate sexual
involvement with emotional intimacy which requires maturity and mutual understanding
![Page 24: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/24.jpg)
Remember that…
“As a baby, your son was always looking for his mother’s face…
…it will be that way forever”
![Page 25: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/25.jpg)
Recommended Reading
Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys (2000) by Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., and Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
Strong Mothers, Strong Sons (1995) by Ann F. Caron, Ed.D.
Get Out Of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl To The Mall (2002) by Anthony Wolf, Ph.D.
![Page 26: Mothers and Sons](https://reader034.vdocument.in/reader034/viewer/2022042522/55cf9de2550346d033afaee2/html5/thumbnails/26.jpg)
Presented by:
Suzanne M. Haynes, M.S.Individual and Couple Psychotherapy
Parenting Consultation
36700 Woodward Ave. - Suite 30
Bloomfield Hills, MI
248.470.9615