NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

HowtoSpottheSubtleSignsofaNarcissistandContinuetoThriveAfter

anEncounter

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TableofContents

IntroductionChapter1-TheBasicsofNarcissisticAbuseRecoveryWhyIt’sSoHardtoHealTheNarcissist’sGripTheFeelingofGuiltTheLackofSupportTheInfluenceofMainstreamMediaTheUnacknowledgedTruth

TheCornerstonesofHealingUnderstandingtheTruthaboutNarcissistsRuminatingthePastMaintainingYourDistance

Chapter2-TheNarcissistArchetypeTheSubtleSignsofNarcissismNotaSingleBadShotAversiontoCorrectionALoudVoiceThatDemandstoBeHeardTheNeedtoPleaseandFlatterDamnedEitherWay

NarcissisticBehaviorPatternsGaslightingSmearCampaignAbusebyProxy

SpottingaNarcissistintheRealWorldAPleasingPersonality…OnlyWhenIt’sNecessaryWhenNoOne’sLookingSuccessfulYetExaggerated

Chapter3-HowTheyCometoBeNarcissisticParents

AFaultyWaytoSeetheWorldFueledbyOutsidersYourRoleintheNarcissist’sLife

Chapter4-TheAftermath

UnderstandingYourFeelingsGuiltIsolationDisbelief

DealingwithYourAbuserVacateAllVenuesforCommunicationStopUpdatingYourselfonTheirLifeRuminatetheTruthKeepYourselfPreoccupied

WhenPushComestoShoveHowNOTtoHandleaNarcissistTellingOtherPeopleabouttheNarcissistTakingThemtoaTherapist

Chapter5-WhenTendenciesStickHowtoErasetheNarc’sEffectsBeMindfulLearntoAcceptOthers’AdvantagesErasetheAggression

Chapter6-CopingwithOutsidersLookingInTheStruggleofIsolationAlltheWrongReasons

Chapter7-FocusingonYouAvoidingDistractionsOntheRoadtoRecoveryWriteaJournalFindaNewCircleofFriendsDon’tRushYourselfDon’tApologizefortheNarcDiscoveringYourInnerChildEnjoyYourOwnCompanySetBoundaries

SpecialSituations-CanIStay?TheNarcissisticSpouseTheNarcissisticParentForgedinFireAPleasantSurprise

ConclusionImageSources:

Introduction

You’vebeenthroughenough,andnow,it’stimetoheal.Itmighthavetakenyouawhile,butyou’rehereandyou’reonyourwaytoafuller,happierlife,awayfrom the abuse. So, take a deep breath, smile, and give yourself a pat on theback.Itdefinitelywasn’teasy.

Being the victim of a narcissist can be draining, exhausting, and painful. Formany,theabusecanspanyearswithoutresolve,makingitharderandhardertoescape the situationwith eachpassingday.Unfortunately, the longer you staywith a narcissist, the deeper you fall into their trap, becomingmore andmoreentangledintheirwebastheycontinuetotightentheirgriparoundyourneck.

Butifyou’rereadingthisnow,thenthatmeansyou’vealreadybeenthroughthetoughest part, and that’s something to be proud of.Many of thosewho sufferthroughnarcissisticrelationshipsclaimthatitfeelslikebeingstuckinaviciouscycle– the abuser controlsyour thoughts, you’reprogrammed toplease them,andthetoxicityof therelationshipisconcealedbyblamingyouforeverylittlething that goes wrong. So yes, finally making the decision to just leave issomethingtocelebrate.

So,whathappensnow?Whathappensafteryou’veleft?Howdoyoudealwiththesefeelingsofguilt,shame,andsadness?Whatareyousupposedtodoifyoufeel like it’sbetter togoback,apologize,andbecomeacog in thenarcissist’ssystemoncemore?Whatifyouwantthembackinyourlife?

Whathappensnow?

Whilethehardestpartoftheprocessisleaving,healingafterpartingwayswithanarcissistcanbenearlyasdifficult.Themechanismstheyputinplacemightstillbeinoperation,makingithardforyoutoseetheabuseforwhat it reallywas.Although itmightbe toughandalthoughyoumight feel like there’snoend tothepainandguilt,you’dberelievedtolearnthathealingispossible.

Anditbecomesevenmoreofarealitywhenyoufollowguideslikethis.

If it’sanyconsolation,youshouldknow thatyou’renot the first tohavegonethrough narcissistic abuse. Countless others before you have seen the hurt,betrayal,andsadness,andthey’verecoveredfromtheyearsofmistreatment tobecomebetter, fuller, happierpeoplewith fulfilling relationships andagreatersenseofself-worth.

Whatyouneedtoknowisthatthatissomethingyoucanhave,too.

So,ifyou’restuckatacrossroads,you’renotsurewheretogo,andyou’restillstrugglingwith pain from years of being forced to back down and depend onotherstoshowyouyourworth,thennowisthetime.

Let’sstartyourjourneytowardsthehappiestyearsofyourlife.

Chapter1-TheBasicsofNarcissisticAbuseRecovery

“Youyourself,asmuchasanybodyintheentireuniverse,deserveyourloveandaffection.”

-SharonSalzberg

Youwere convinced that itwould be better for you.Youbelieved youwouldfeel free. You thought you would be able to take the pain. So why is it sodifficult?Whydoesthehurtseemtohavemadeahomeinyourheartandyourmind?Whydoyoufeelevenmoretrappedthanever?

Needless to say, healing from a narcissistic relationship might not follow thesameprocessthatotherseparationsdo.Therearecertainfactorsthatcanmakeitevenharderforyou,andthat’swhyyoumightfeelparticularlyata loss inthemonthsthatfollowyourleaving.

Understandingwhyitmightbedifficultcanprovideyouvaluableinsighttohelpyourealizethatallthesenegativethoughtsandfeelingsaretemporary–they’renothingmore than latent side-effects of the abuse that you’ve suffered all thistime.Thesooneryourealizewherethey’restemmingfrom,thesooneryou’dbeabletonipthemattherootandslowlyreleaseyourselffromentanglement.

WhyIt’sSoHardtoHeal

Haveyoueverhadtocutsomeoneoutofyourlifebefore?Wasitatoxicfriendwhojustdidn’tjivewithyourpersonality?Anabsenteepartnerwhojustwasn’twhoyouexpectedthemtobe?Acompetitivecoworkerwhosaweveryprojectasanopportunityto‘getahead’?

While each of these scenarios might present varying inconveniences andchallenges,onethingremainstrue–itprobablydidn’teatyouupinsidetosaygoodbyeandwalkaway.

Sure,it’sonlynormalthatyoumighthavefelttheremnantsoftherelationshipasyourheartandmindworkedtosnipawaytheremainingtiesthatheldyoutothisperson.Butoncethosefewdaysorweekshadpassed,youprobablyfoundyourselffully-functionaloncemore.Youmightnothaveevenhadtothinkaboutthatpersonunlesssomeoneelsebroughtthemup.

Youhealed,youmovedon,andyougotbetter.Ithappenedbefore,sowhyisitsohardnow?

Thereareuniqueaspects toanarcissisticrelationshipthatmakesitparticularlydifficulttocopewith.So,afteryouwalkaway,youmightfindyourselffeelingthesamepotentpainyoudidwhentheywerestillapartofyourlife.

So,whatarethesefactorsthatmakeitsomuchharder?

TheNarcissist’sGrip

Perhaps a narcissist’smost intricate and effective tool to keep their victims inlineistheirgrip.Thismetaphoricalgraspisslowlybuiltovertime,constructedwithconditionalloveandaffectionthat’slaterusedasatooltogetyoutoactthewaythattheywantyouto.

Astimewearson,thevictimfeelsendearedtothenarcissist,andtheabuserwillexploit thisconnectionto theirbenefit.Thevictimbecomesascapegoatforallthedifferentproblemsthatmightariseinthenarcissist’slife,evenifthevictimhadnoinvolvementinthedevelopmentoftheissue.

The narcissist now insists that you’re problem, responsible for the differentthings that gowrong in your lives together.They convince you that youneedthembecauseyou’renotperfect,and theyknowwhat’sbest tokeepyou fromcausinganymoreharmtoyourselfortoothers.Theymakeyoubelievethatyourelyonthem,makingyoufeellikeyouowethemanexplanationoranapologyforeverylittlethingthatgoeswrong.

You,ontheotherhand,areconvinced.Thekindness,affection,and‘love’thattheyshowedyouwhenyourrelationshipwasjustbeginninghasconvincedyouthattheyhavethebestintentions.They’veconvincedyouthatthey’re‘superior’toeveryone—includingyou—whichmakesthemtheonlyviablecounselandtheonlyonewhocanprovideyouverifiedtruthandadvice.

Now, without you noticing, you’ve become entangled in their web. You feelreliantonthemandthefirstquestiononyourmindeverysingletimeyouneedtomake a decision is “what would they think?”You’re constantly walking oneggshells,carefulnot todoanything thatwouldupset them,andstriving todoeverythingtopleasethem.

Unfortunately, simply leaving isn’t enough to dismantle such a deep-seatedmechanism. That’s because as timewears on, this systemwillmake you loseyour sense of volition. Your reliance on the abuser becomes reflexive, and itbecomesachallengeforyoutomakedecisionsonyourown.

Sonowthatyou’veleft,youcan’thelpbutwonderwhattodonext.Youfeeltheneedtohavesomeonetellyouhowtogoabouttheprocess,andtheonlypersonyoucanthinkofisyourabuser.Unfortunately,thereisn’tanyoneelsewhowillbeabletohelpyouthroughthistimeinyourlifeasmuchasyourself.

TheFeelingofGuilt

Thereisnosuchthingasacivildisengagementfromanarcissisticrelationship.So, it’s probable that at thismoment, you’re not on speaking termswith yourabuser.Infact,youmightneverbeabletospeaktothemagain.Thisisarealitythatneedstobeaccepted.

Knowingthatyou’renotongoodtermswithyourabusermightcausefeelingsofguilttokickin.Theyconvincedyouthatanythingamissinyourrelationshipwasyour fault, so now that you’re indefinitely ignoring each other, you feelresponsibleforthesituation.

This feeling of guilt can make you want to come crawling back, say you’resorry,andreclaimyourplaceintheir intricatemechanism.Butgoingbackandapologizingforsomethingthatisn’tyourfaultwillhardlyfixanything,becauseyoudidnothingtoapologizeforinthefirstplace.

Guiltplayssuchabigroleinafailedrecoverybecauseit’softenthereasonwhymanyvictimsenduprekindlingtieswithanabuser.Evenallowingtheguilt tojust push you to reach out can be particularly dangerous because it gives theabuser the opportunity to shape the way you think and feel, making it morelikelyforyoutoengageoncemore.

TheLackofSupport

Itwouldbealoteasiertocopewithnarcissisticabuseifyourfamilyandfriendscould provide you support and insight. But because narcissists are what youmight call great pretenders, they can effectively hide their true selves fromanyoneandeveryone.

Theyspendtheirentirelifetimebuildinganimageofperfectionandintelligence,establishingacharacterworthyofpraiseandadmiration,eveniftheirtruelifeisfarfromperfect.Thiswell-executedcharademakes it impossible tohaveotherpeopleseethereality.

Approachingfriendsandfamilywhomightknowofyourabuserwilloftenleadtoadeadendbecausethey’renotlikelytobelievewhatyouhavetosay.Afterall, they’vecometoknowthenarcissistas theideal individual,perhapsevenaperfect person. So, they’ll conclude that the things you’re going through areprobablyjustthefruitsofmisunderstanding.

Forthemostpart,healingfromanarcissist’sabusewillhavetobedoneonyourown.Ofcourse, therewill alwaysbe supportgroupsandonline resources thatyoucanleveragetofindpeoplewithsimilarstories.Butifyouwereexpectingtogain the supportof thepeople aroundyou—especially if thesepeople are alsoacquainted with the narcissist—then it might be impossible to receive theirsympathy.

TheInfluenceofMainstreamMedia

Love conquers all, they say. Throughout the years, the media has taught us

throughbooks,movies, andmusic, that true love can set anymistake straight.Weneedtobeselfless,todietoourselves,torollwiththepunches,weneedtosacrificeourcomfortandourconveniencetoshowothersthatwelovethem.

So,whether it’s a friend, a familymember, or a romantic partner, the urge tokeepfightingmightbeimmenselystrongbecausethat’swhatwe’retaughttodo.That’showwegetourhappyendingwhichissooftenromanticizedinmajorityof the filmsandsongsweenjoy today.Unfortunately, there isakindof fierceloveandaffection that themainstreammediafails tohighlight,and that’sself-love.

Often, when we tell others that we did something out of our desire to loveourselves, we’re branded self-centered, inconsiderate, and selfish. We’re nottryinghardenough,andwe’retoolazytogivepeoplelove.Wedon’tseeotherpeople’s worth, and we don’t put value on the long relationships we’veestablished.

Butbeforeyouallow thoseconceptsany room inyourmind, remember this–youarethemostimportantpersonyouhave.So,don’tletanyoneinvalidateyoureffort to care for yourself, especially if your abuser has donenothing to showthatthey’regenuinelyconcernedforyou.

Trueenough,manyofusareconditionedintoactinglikelove-givingrobots,abletodispenseloveandaffectioneveninthemostchallengingemotionalsituations.Butyoucan’tpourfromanemptyvessel,andyoudefinitelydon’tneedtofeelresponsibleforarelationshipthat’syou’resolelytryingtorescue.

Relationshipsare two-waystreets,and theywillneverworkout if there’sonlyone personwho’s clocking in any time. Putting yourself before others isn’t aselfishtactic,it’samaturewayofdealingwiththings.

Youcanonlytrulycareforsomeoneifyou’reconfidentinyourcapacitytolovewhichstartsfromwithin.Inthesamelight, thiskindofpotentsecurityinyourbeing will attract the same kind of person, allowing a healthy, thrivingrelationshiptogrowwithoutthepretensesandulteriormotives.

TheUnacknowledgedTruth

Maybe you already spotted signs a while back.Maybe you already started tonoticethestrangebehavior.Maybeyouchosetokeepyourmouthshutbecause

youdidn’twanttostartafight.Maybeyouturnedablindeyebecausethat’snothowyou’vecometoknowthem.Whateverthecase,yousawthesigns,andyouchosetoignorethem.

Many of those who fall into the narcissist’s trap can sense the problematicpersonalitywaybeforeitevenrears itsuglyhead.But theychoosetositsilentandavoidconfrontationbecausetheywanttobelieveinthebest.Theywanttobelievethatthisisagoodperson,andthatthesepreviewsofstrangebehaviorarenothingmorethanisolatedinstances.

Goingagainstyourgutandthenfindingoutlaterthatyouwererightaboutthewayyoufeltcanmakeitexceptionallydifficulttomoveon.You’llfindthatthefeeling of betraying your own radar can make you constantly want to beatyourselfupandcryoverthemilkthatyou’vespilled.

Althoughitcanbefrustrating,rememberthateveryonemakesmistakes,andnoone is exempted. While the repercussions of ignoring your gut might seeminsurmountable especiallybecause it trappedyou in thenarcissist’s grasp, youneed to understand that what you got out of the mistake was a learningexperience.Noteveryonegetstogothroughandsurvivesuchintenseabuse,soyounowhaveauniquechance togrowandmature,whichmanypeopledon’tgettohave.

Don’tbeatyourselfupoverthingsthatyounolongerhavecontrolover.Instead,lookforwardtothefutureandlearntogiveyourgutfeelingduecreditwheneverittipsyouoffthenexttimearound.You’dbesurprisedhowwellyourintuitioncankeepyousafefromavarietyofthreatsaroundyou,ifyoucouldonlygiveittheattentionitdeserves.

TheCornerstonesofHealing

Trueenough,goingthroughtheprocessofhealingcanbeachallenge,especiallybecauseoftheuniquedifficultiesthatnarcissisticabusecanpose.Buttherearewaysthatyoucanmakeitlessofahurdle,andthisisbyfamiliarizingyourselfwiththecornerstonesofhealing.

Intendedtoprovideyouthenecessaryknowledgeandinsighttoproperlydecodeyour situation, these cornerstones should help you make sense of where youstandanduncoverthetruthbehindthenarcissist’sactionsandintentions.

UnderstandingtheTruthaboutNarcissists

Whenyoufirstheard,read,orlearnedtheword‘narcissist’,itmighthavebeenalightbulbmoment.Wow—awordtodefineall thosemanyyearsofabuseyousufferedthrough.Whatarevelation.

Manyofthoseabusedbythistypeofpersonfinditrefreshingtobeabletoputalabelontheirabuserbecauseitverifiestheirplight.Thesepeopleexistandtheyareknowntodoexactlywhatwasdonetoyou.Soevenwitheveryonearoundyourefusingtobelieveyourstory,younowfeelsomewhatvindicated.

Fortunatelyforyou,thisfeelingisn’taonetimething.Throughoutyourhealing,you’ll learnaworld’sworthof informationthatwill feel likeeurekamoments,andthey’llslowlyshowyouthetruthaboutyoursituationandtherealityofthepersonyouthoughtyouknew.

During your recovery, it’s highly encouraged that you continue to learnmoreabout the narcissist archetype. Reading reliable resources and discovering thepsychology behind their thinking will make it easier to put all the differentexperiencesyouhadwiththemintocontext.

Themoreyoulearn,theeasieritbecomesforyoutofreeyourselffromtheideathatyouwerewrongtoleave.Asyoumakemoresenseoftheirbehavior,you’llsoondiscover thatyouneverdidanythingwrong in the firstplace,andall thehurt, difficulties, and confusion you’ve dealt with for years can actually betracedbacktotheirtoxicpersonality.

RuminatingthePast

Maybe at the start, thinking back on memories you’ve had with your abusermightfeelliketouchinghotiron.Thethoughtscaneatawayatyou,makingyoufeelastrangecombinationoflongingandguilt.Sonaturally,youmightwanttoavoidthinkingaboutthepastifyou’restillearlyoninyourrecoveryprocess.

Butasyoucontinuetouncovertherealitiesofnarcissisticbehavior,youcanthenstartputtingeachmemoryintocontext.Asyouruminatethepast,you’llseethetruth behind every situation you’ve experienced, allowing you to understandhowtheirbehaviorwasatplayinyourlife.

Somediscoverthattheirmother’sincessantneedtobuythemostexpensivetoysandclotheswasn’t anexpressionof love,but away to showcaseher financialfreedom to less capable parents in her circle. Some learn that their partner’stendencytomakethemrefusecareeropportunitieswasn’tactuallyintheinterestoftheirrelationshipbutwasatactictomaintaincontrolanddominance.

Anarcissistwillalwaysconvinceyouthattheirchoicesareforthebest,butasyou lookbackwith thenewknowledgeyou’ve found,you’ll learn that almosteverything—the good and the bad—were all part of their intricate strategy tokeepyouinlineandmaintaintheballintheircourt.

MaintainingYourDistance

There is no tool more powerful than distance. Throughout your recoveryprocess,you’llbeconfrontedwiththeurgetoturnback,makeamends,andleavethisriftbehindyou.Butdon’t.Nomatterwhatyoumightthink,nomatterwhomight tell you to,nomatterhowhard it nags atyourheart.Youdeserveyourlovemore than anyone, especiallymore than someonewhodoesn’t have yourbestinterestinmind.

Maintainingyourdistanceandrefusingtospeakwithyourabuserwillgiveyouenoughwhite space to paint a picture of reality.Without that person there toreinforcethemechanismsinyourhead,youcanwearthemawayandslowlybutsurely bring the entiremachination to a stop, ultimately freeing yourself fromtheirgripandattaininganewperspectiveonwhoyouareandwhatyoudeserve.

Inmostcases,therewillbenootherpeopleinyourcirclewhowillunderstandwhat itmeans tobeabusedbyanarcissist.So,you’lloftenhear thesame lineover and over again: “people make mistakes, it’s only right that you forgivethemandgivethemasecondchance.”

While it is true that people makemistakes andmost of them deserve secondchances,narcissistsareanexceptiontotherule.Theywillnotchange,theydon’thaveinsight,andtheywillneveracceptdefeat.Thismeansthatforarelationshiptoberepaired,youneedtobetheonetotrytofixitwhichonlystrengthensthenarcissist’sideaofunwaveringcorrectness.

Attheendoftheday,youneedtoacceptthatreconcilingisnotanoption.Youmighthave to live the restofyour lifewithout thisperson in thepicture.Andwhilethatmightbeabitterpilltoswallowatanypointinyourhealing,youneedtoknowthatit’sforthebest.

Loving yourself when you’ve been taught to put another person ahead everysingletimecanbetough,buteveryjourneystartswithasinglestep.Understandthatthroughoutthisjourney,youshouldbeyourfocus.Keepyoureyesandmindontheobjectiveanddon’tforgetwhyyou’redoingthisinthefirstplace.Your

bestlifeawaits.

Chapter2-TheNarcissistArchetype

“...youdon'thavetowaitforsomeonetotreatyoubadrepeatedly.Allittakesisonce,andiftheygetawaywithitthatonce,iftheyknowtheycantreatyoulike

that,thenitsetsthepatternforthefuture.”

-JaneGreen,Bookends

No two people are the same. That’s something we’re taught as far back aselementaryschool.Backthen,itwastakenasnothingmorethanaquaintpieceoftruth,wearealldifferent,andsoweneedtoextendourselvestounderstandoneanothersothattheworldbecomesahappyplaceforeveryone.

Butaswegrowolder,we learn that thatbasic ‘truth’mightnotactuallybeanaccurate representation of reality. In fact, lots of people are the same in theirbehaviors,andthiscouldn’tbeanytruerinthecaseofnarcissists.

Considered ‘psychopathic’,narcissistsarebornofnarcissists,making themactsimilarly across cultures, races, genders, and nationalities. They all think thesame,andtheyallusethesametacticstoabuseandmalignthosearoundthem.That’s why it’s become easier for experts to pick out their qualities and spottheminacrowd,becausethey’repredictable.

At thispoint inyour recovery,youmight findyourselfaskingquestionsaboutyour abuser’s personality. Understanding their motives and the reasons forcertaintendenciestheymighthavemanifestedcanhelpyouestablishanaccurateidea ofwho they reallywere. In the sameway, knowing all the qualities of anarcissistcanlimitthechancesofbeingabusedagaininthefuture.

TheSubtleSignsofNarcissism

Narcissistsoperatecovertly–that’swhythey’resohardtopinpoint.Whenyoufirstmet your abuser, youmight have thought that theywere amodel citizenwith their life perfectly put together. This initial image of perfection perhapsmadeyouwanttokeepthemnear,markingthestartofyourabusiverelationship.

Being subtle about their true tendencies helps draw in the victims. Themoreadmirabletheyare,themorepeoplewillwanttobeintheirgoodgracesgivingthemenoughnarcissisticsupplytofeedtheirhungryegos.Soit’spossible thatsomeofthesignsofnarcissismmightcompletelyflyoveryourhead.

Herearesomeofthemostcommonsubtlesignsofanarcissisticpersonality:

NotaSingleBadShot

Inourmoderndayandage,findingsomeonewhoisn’tpresentonsocialmediais like finding a unicorn.With the kind of convenience and access that socialmediaplatformsprovide,it’sbecomealmostimpracticalforpeopletonotuseatleast2ofthem.

Ofcourse,youraverageeverydaynarcissistwouldtakethisasanopportunitytofireuptheirimageandreinforcethecharadethey’vesocarefullycrafted.Infact,

studies have found that the commonality of narcissistic behaviors have risensince the dawn of social media, claiming that there might be a correlationbetweenthetwo.

Essentially,socialmediaworksasamarketwhereanarcissistcanpeddlehimorherself totheirsphere.Likesarethecurrency,andthemoretheyget, themoresatisfied they feel. That’s why they strive to create the perfect reflection ofthemselvesonsocialmedia,oftenevenlyingaboutcertainimagesofthemselvestoalterthecontextofthepicturesandcomeupwithamorepleasingpost.

Scan through a narcissist’s socialmedia profile, and you’re likely to notice 3things. First, theywon’t have any bad pictures of themselves.Any and everyimagethatincludesthemwillhavethemlookingparticularlypolished,garneringaheftyamountoflikesandcomments.

Second,youmightnoticethattheyoftenhaveperfectdayseveryday.Everypostisaboutawonderfullunchwithfamily,anintimatedinnerwiththeirsignificantother,abirdchirpingontheirwindowsillinthemorning,whatevermightmaketheirlifelooklikeitwasrippedoutofaHallmarkmovie.

Third,theyprobablyliketo‘humblebrag’aboutcertainthingsintheirlife.Forinstance, one narcissisticmother posted a photo of a breakfast spread she hadpreparedwiththecaption“Laboredoverahotstovetopreparethisheartymealformy son—the chief resident of the spinal surgery division at his hospital—whoiscomingovertoday!”

Obviously, thepostwassupposed tobeabout thebreakfast shehadmade,buthercaptionshowsyouthatshewasmerelytakingtheopportunitytotalkaboutsomethingelseshefoundbrag-worthy.

Somewillpostimagesofcertainthingswhileslylyinsertingothercommoditiesto showcase their assets. In one case, awoman posted a photo of her freshlymanicured nails by placing her hand against the steeringwheel of herAudi’ssteeringwheel.

Inanycase,asocialmediaprofilethatseemstoogoodtobetruemightbethefacadeforonenarcissisticindividual.Maintainingyourdistancefromthemandavoiding feeding into the hype bywithholding likes and commentswillmakeyoulessvulnerabletotheirtrap.

AversiontoCorrection

Narcissistshaveanincessantneedtobecorrectandwillfighttoothandnailtomakesuretheyhavethelastsayinanysituation,evenwhenthey’retalkingtoanexpert.At thestart, itmightnotbeaspronounced,butyouwillnoticehintsoftheiraversiontocorrectioninsmallhoweverconsistentinstances.

Consider this scenario where two friends are debating where to head forbreakfast.

“Let’sjustgotothatburgerplacearoundthecornerofEastAvenue.”

“Theyopenat10AM,I’malwaysthereforbrunch.”

“No,I’mprettysuretheyopenat8AM.Theyhaveabreakfastmenu.”

“Theyactuallydon’t.It’smoreofanall-daybreakfastmenu.Ivisitthemalot,theyopenat10AM.”

“Let’sjustgoandI’llshowyouthatthey’reopen.”

Thefriendswalkdowntotherestaurantandfinditclosed.Thesignonthedoorsays thatoperatinghoursstartat10AM.Notwanting tobe labeledwrong, thenarcissistsays“Well,Iwalkedbyhereyesterdayandtheywereopenataround8AM.Theymusthavedifferentoperatinghoursthroughouttheweek.”

Thesignonthedoorsaidthatthe10AMschedulewasobserveddaily,howeverthe friend had no way of verifying whether the store was open at 8AM thepreviousdaysincehewasn’tinthearea.Eventhen,hecouldinferthatthestoreoperatesonthesamehourseveryday,andthatthenarcissistwassimplymakingthingsuptoavoidbeingwrong.

In many cases, a narcissist might seem wrong on all accounts, but they willargue ferociously just tobeable toget the finalword.Theywon’tbackdownandwilldefinitelyneveradmitdefeat,evenifdefeatsimplymeansbeingwrongaboutarestaurant’soperatinghours.

ALoudVoiceThatDemandstoBeHeard

Haveyou ever tried having a casual conversationwith a narcissist?Rarely dothey take the form of a ‘conversation’. Talking with a narcissist might seemmorelikesimplylisteningtoonesincetheymightnotgiveyouthespacetosayyourpiece.

With an ingrained sense of correctness and superiority, narcissists believe that

the only opinions and ideas thatmatter are their own.Any contributions fromanyoneelse are inferior and faulty, even if they’re logically sound.Of course,that’snotsomethinganarcissistwillevercometorealizegiventhefactthattheywon’tevengiveothercontributorsthelightofday.

Something you’ll notice frequently with a narcissist is that they have thetendency to speak over others. Even during casual conversation, they take theopportunitytodominate,givingothersverylittlechancetointerject.Inthisway,the conversation can be steered in a direction that serves their own benefit.That’swhyonmanyoccasions,you’llfindthataconversationwithanarcissistbecomesnothingmorethanaspeechabouthimorherself.

TheNeedtoPleaseandFlatter

There’s something charming about a narcissist, that’s how they reel in theirvictims.Knowingfullwellthattheyneedtofeedofftheadmirationandpraisethat others provide them, narcissists have a way of drawing in unsuspectingvictimstoturnintotheirnarcissisticsupply.

Asyourrelationshipdevelops,theyfeedyourownnarcissistictendencies,whicharepresentinallofus,howevernotfullblown.Whathappensisthatweseethisperfectpersonandweendupwantingtobenearthemsothatothersassociateuswiththisidealindividual.

It’slikeouradolescentlongingtobecomebestfriendswiththemostpopularkidinschool.Therationalizationisthatifwe’reassociatedwiththisperfectperson,thensomeoftheiridealtraitsmightruboffonus.

Now, the narcissist knows what you’re trying to do, and they will feed yourdesire to become like them. So, they treat you like an extension, telling youyou’redoingagreatjob,makingyoufeelimportant,andgivingyouvalidationthat’srarelygiventoothers.Thismakesyoufeelworthyandproud,makingyouhungerforthatkindofattention.

So,whatyoudoisyoufindwaystopleasethem,youdothingssimplytomakethenarcissist happy, andyou strive tomaintainyour status as their right-handguyorgal.Soonenough,you’ll find thatmostofyouractionsandchoicesarepatternedaroundtheirpreferencesordesires.

If you’re starting to notice that you’re becoming too invested in receiving

validation from someone else, check yourself. If anything, the only validationworthstrivingforisyourown.Whileitmightfeelnicetoreceiveitfromothers,learning to accept yourself andbeing happywith thewayyou are is farmoreimportantthananyacceptanceyoumightreceivefromexternalsources.

DamnedEitherWay

Narcissistshavethiswayofthinkingthattheydeservethebestthateveryonehasto give, even if they’re only handing out spare change. They demand to beserved and expect everyone around them to be prepared to hand over theirresourcesandtimeattheirbeckandcall.

If you find yourself being the target of a narcissist’s demands, you mightdiscoverthatit’sadouble-edgedsword.Ontheonehand,theymightbeaskingyouforsomethingthat’sinconvenientorsimplytooheftytogive.Ontheotherhand, not givingwhat they’re asking forwill put you at the receiving end ofrejection,anger,andseverance.

Damnedifyoudo,damnedifyoudon’t.

You’llnoticethatwithanarcissist,thereisnosuchthingaswinning.Whatyoucan leverage though is the ideaof a lesser evil.Feeding into theirdesireswillkeepyoutrappedintheirintricatemachination.Choosingtowalkaway,ontheother hand,will free you from theweb albeitwith a few consequences as thenarcissistdeemsfit.

NarcissisticBehaviorPatterns

A‘psychopath’isdefinedasapersonsufferingfrommentaldisorder,whomaymanifestabnormalorviolentsocialbehavior.Theyareconsideredunstableandaggressive, allowing them to cause significant emotional,mental, and in someextremecases,evenphysicalabuseonthosearoundthem.

Whileitmightcomeasasurprisetoyou,it’simportantthatyouknowthatyournarcissisticabuserisapsychopath.Thesepeoplehaveverydeep-seatedmentalissueswithrootsthatreachasfarbackastheirearlychildhood.That’swhyit’simpossibletohelpanarcissisttorecovery.

In-depth studies of psychopathic and narcissistic behavior have revealedbehavioral patterns that they typically follow. These tendencies are present inalmost all narcissists, and many of them manifest the same personalitiesalthoughtovaryingdegrees.

Keep in mind that although we all have narcissistic tendencies, not everyoneshowcases them to the point of being labeled a psychopath.Onlywhen thesebehaviorscauseabnormalitiesinsocialfunctioningisthepersonthenconsideredafullblown,malignantnarcissist.

Gaslighting

Gabbywas talkingwithher brotheron thephone, catchingupon all the littlethings that had been going on in each of their lives. She just celebrated herdaughter’s3rdbirthdayandwastellingherbrotherabouthowherparentingstylehasevolvedsinceherdaughter’sbirth.

Shetoldhimthatspankingwasn’tapartofherandherhusband’srepertoireofdiscipline.Theyfoundthatitwasineffectiveandharmful,simplycausingtheirchildtoobeyoutoffearinsteadofoutofrespect.

Herbrotherpraisedherfortheadaptationasheruminatedaboutthemanytimestheirmotherhadwhippedthemintoshapeassmallchildren.Gabbylaughedandsaid,“Well,aren’twegladthat’sover?”

Thenextday,Gabbyvisitedhermotherbringingalongherlittledaughtertogive

themtimetobond.“She’ssobehavednow!Likeshe’sallgrownup!”Gabby’smotherexclaimedasshewatchedhergranddaughtercolorquietlyonthedesk.

“I’ve been trying out a new parenting style with her. We don’t spank heranymore;itjustdoesn’twork.Instead,wesitherdownandtrytoexplainthingstoher.It’samazinghowwellsheunderstands.”

“Exactly, that’showIdisciplinedyou.”hermothersaidcalmlyassheassistedhergranddaughterwithhercoloring.

Gabbysmiled,laughed,andsaid“Really,mom?IfIhadanickelforeverytimeyouhitme,Iwouldbeamillionaire!”Hermomraisedabrow,lookedherintheeye,andshookherhead.

“You’rerememberingwrong,Ineverspankedyou.”

Gaslighting isa termthatoriginates fromamovieof thesame titlewhichwasreleased in 1944. This term refers to a tactic used by certain individuals—especially narcissists—in an attempt to sow seeds of doubt into a specificindividual.

Themethodofgaslightingchangesdependingonthesituation,buttheobjectiveisalwaysthesame;toreinventthepastsothattheirpreviousmistakesorerrorsarenotbroughttolight.

Inthesituationabove,Gabbyclearlyrememberedthathermotherusedtohitherandher siblings.Shehadverified this informationwithherbrotherwhen theytalkedonthephone,sosheknewthatitwasn’tsomethingshehadmadeup.

Whenhermothersawhowwell-behavedhergranddaughterwas,sheknewthatGabby’sparentingstyleworked,andthatmadeitapparentthatspankingwasn’tanidealmethodfordiscipline.

Knowing this now, Gabby’s mother wanted to distance herself from thatpractice,sinceitwasnowlabeledunnecessary,ineffective,andharmful.So,sheclaimed to have never done it, despite Gabby and her brother clearlyrememberingthatitwashowtheyweredealtwithaschildren.

In this instance, gaslightingmight seemharmless, andGabby andher siblingscansimplybrushitoffbysayingMom’sgettingold.Butinmoreextremecasesof narcissistic abuse, gaslighting can cause serious doubt and even lead to avictimquestioninghersanity.

Thisisoneofthetacticsthatnarcissistsusetoprotecttheirimage,notonlyasitistoday,butasitwasinthepast.Theyneedtobecorrectineveryphaseoftheirlife, so they strivehard to avoidbeingbranded for theirmistakes even if theyhappenedmany years back.Gaslighting lets them sweep past errors under therugat theexpenseofsomeoneelse’ssanity,which is to them,asmallprice topay.

SmearCampaign

Wonderingwhypeoplemightstarttodistancethemselvesfromyouafteryoucuttieswithanarcissist?Youcanprobablythanktheirsmearcampaigntacticsforthesudden lossof friends.Althoughsmearcampaignsaremorepopular in therealmofpolitics,narcissistshavebeenknowntousesimilarstrategies.

Onceyoubreakitoffwithanarcissist,onethingwouldhavebecomeapparenttothem–you’reawareoftheirtruenature.Thismeansifyoudecidetoexposethenarcissist forwhat they trulyare—whichmightnotevenbeonyouragenda—thentheymayhavetowatchastheircarefullyconstructedpersonastartsburningtotheground.Nowthisisn’tsomethingthey’rewillingtorisk.

So, what do they do? They use smear campaigns to remain one step ahead.Usingwhatinformationtheyhaveaboutyouandyourrelationship,they’llmakethe move to talk to mutual friends and connections to clarifywhy you’re nolonger on speaking terms. This may involve tweaking certain events and

informationinordertomakeyoulooklikeahorribleperson.

It’sworthmentioningthatanarcissistwon’tsimplysettleforsayingafewnastythings about you. They want to completely dismantle your credibility andreputation. This way, they can be sure that you’d have a hard time trying toconvincepeopleofyoursidenotonlybecauseyou’dseemunreliable,butalsobecauseyourfriendsandcontactswouldlikelychoosetoavoidyoualltogether.

A narcissist’s smear campaign can leave you with no one else but yourself.Somerumorsandgossipcanbesohorriblethatitmayevenjeopardizeyourjoband your intimate relationships. Remember, they probably never really caredabout you in the first place, so don’t be surprised if they suddenly turn intosomeonecompletelyunrecognizableandstart spewingabsolute liesaboutwhoyouareandwhatyou’vedone.

AbusebyProxy

Ifthere’sonethinganarcissistwillhaveanendlesssupplyof,it’speople.Theircharm and seeming perfection just makes others gravitate towards them, thesame way you probably clung to your abuser when you first met them.Unfortunately, anyone who tries to cross a narcissist will find him or herselfdealingwiththeonslaughtoftherestoftheposse.

This is what you might call abuse by proxy. The process starts when youdispleaseanarcissist.Theirneedtoshameanddiscourageyouwillkickin,andthey’llmake sureyou feel howunhappy they arewithwhatyou’vedone.Butthey’lloftengo theextramileandmakesure tohityouwhere ithurts.That’swheretheirpeoplestepin.

Anarcissistwilltalknegativelyaboutyoutootherpeopleinyourcircle.They’llconvincetheseindividuals thatyou’regravelyatfault,andthatyouneedtobetaught a lesson.What’s interesting is that they oftenwon’t give such obviousinstructions. The tactic more closely resembles brainwashing, making otherpeoplebelievecertain liesandencouraging them toacton these ideaswithoutactuallygivingthemovertinstructions.

Takethisscenarioforexample:

Hannah is themiddle child in her family.All her brothers and sisters areA+students,bringinghomeimpressivelyimpeccablereportcardsandreceivinglots

ofpraisefromtheirinstructors.Hannah,ontheotherhand,isanaveragestudent.Whileshedoesn’texcelquiteaswellastherestofhersiblings,shedoescomehomewithdecentgrades.

One day, she comes homewith a failed exam and her father just loses it.Hereprimandsher,callsherlazy,andsayshe’sworriedaboutherfuture.Heclaimsthatherperformancewon’tbringheranywherein life,andhe’supset toadmitthatshemightnotbeabletoachieveasmuchashersiblings.

Night falls and Hannah is dismissed from the dinner table after beingreprimanded in front of her entire family. She retreats to her roomwhere shecriesand sulks for the restof thenight.Meanwhile,her siblings remainat thetable,andtheirfathercontinueshisspiel.

Hepraiseseachonefortheirhardwork.Alltheirgradesgivejusticetothelonghours he toils at work to be able to afford their education. The children feelendearedtotheirfather,andtheyextendtheirgratitudetohimforalltheeffortheputsintomakingsuretheycanaffordpremiumeducation.

Duringthetalk,hecallsHannahaningrate,sayingshedoesn’tdeservethesameopportunities as her siblings because she doesn’t value what he provides. HetellsthemnottoassociatewithpeoplelikeHannahbecausetheymightbecomeabadinfluence,causingthemtolosesightofwhat’simportant.

Before ending the talk, he says that hehasno choicebut to continueworkinghardandhoping for thebest,even ifsomeof themdon’tappreciateall thathedoes. They conclude the conversation and all the children head back to theirrooms.

Thenextday,Hannahwakesup,walksintothekitchenforbreakfast,andfindsthatallthefoodhadbeenfinished.“Youwokeuptoolate,sotherewasnothingleft.”heronesiblingtellsherunapologetically.Throughouttheday,shefeelsthesameharsh,negativeenergycomingfromtherestofhersiblingswhoseemtobeavoidingher.

ThismadeHannahfeelaloneandashamedofwhatshehaddone.Thispromptedhertoapproachherfatherandserveanapologyforbeingungratefulforhishardwork.Hereluctantlyacceptstheapologybutremainspalpablycoldtowardshisdaughterinthefollowingdays,abehaviormimickedbytherestofhischildren.

Canyouspotwhat’swrongwiththisscenario?

First, we need to recognize the alleged aggravation. What did Hannah do toreceivesuchtreatmentfromherfather,andconsequently,therestofherfamily?Afailedmark.Formostofus,asinglefailinggradeishardlyareasonablecauseforupset.Infact,manywouldletitslidewithnothingmorethanaprompttodobetternexttime.

However, since Hannah’s father is a narcissist, he tends to see failure ascompletelyunacceptable.Hischildrenareanextensionofhimself,soanysortofshortcomingisunforgivablebecauseitreflectsnegativelyonhimself.

Hemade this apparent by reprimandingHannah in front of the entire family.Thisdoesn’tonlyhighlighthisanger,butalsoimpartsshamebecauseeveryoneelseistheretohearandseeheratthereceivingendofthereprimand.

Next,Hannah’s father consults his other children.He starts of bygiving thempraise andaffection, telling them thathe’sproudof all thework theyput intobeing top students. Of course, we can infer that the children only performbecauseoftheirfather’spressureandnotbecauseofaninternalizeddesiretodogood.

Bytalkingtotherestofhiskids,hecannowgetthemtofeelanimositytowardtheir siblingwho—in truth—didnothingmalicious toanyone in the family. Infact, the siblings have no reason to be upset with her because her grades arenone of their concern. However, because of the father’s tactic to divide andconquer, theyfeelonewithhimandthuspledgetheirallegiancebymimickingthewaythathefeels.

So, what happens? They, too, emotionally abuse Hannah by acting cold anddisapprovingofher.Theyavoidheranddistancethemselvesfromher, treatingher like a pariah in her own home. The result?Hannah feels the brunt of her‘mistake’andisforcedtorenderanapology,evenwithoutgoodreasonto.

Abusebyproxycanbeparticularlydifficult todealwithbecause itmakes thevictimfeelcompletelyalonein thesituation.Theystart toquestionthemselvesandevenbegintobelievethattheabuserhadavalidreasonfortreatingthemtheway they did. On top of that, the added pressure of an ‘angry mob’ furthercomplicatestheinternalbattle.Ifeveryoneisupsetwithme,thenthatmustmeanIreallydidsomethingwrong.

What you need to remember however is that just because amajority believessomething,doesn’tmeanit’strue.Beingatthereceivingendofabusebyproxy

canhaveyouquestioningyourintegrityandvaliditybutkeepingyourselfstrongand choosing to believe the truthwill help you become less affected by theirdisapprovalandjointabuse.

Manipulation

Thereisaplethoraofmanipulationtechniquesusedbynarcissiststhatitmightbe lengthy todiscuss themall.But togiveyouabetterunderstandingof theirtruenature,it’sidealthatwetouchonthemostcommontacticstheyuse.

The first, and possibly most abused, is shaming. Done either in private or inpublic, the purpose of shaming is two-fold. The first is to heighten their ownworth,grandeur,andintelligence,andthesecondistomakeyoufeelinferiortothem.

Shaming you in either public or private venueswill encourage you to submityourself to the abuser.They know better than I do, so itwould be inmy bestinteresttotakecuesfromthemand,oneday,Icanbedeservingoftheirpraise.With thismentality inoperation,allyourdecisionsandchoiceswillbegearedtowardsthehappinessandapprovalofyourabuser,whichiswhattheywantedinthefirstplace.

Playingtheroleofvictimisanotherwaythatanarcissistmightmanipulatetheirsupply.Thisistypicallyputintomotionwhentheabusedisinapositionwherehemightfeelinconveniencedbythenarcissist’sdemands.Takethisscenarioforexample:

Claireisrunninglowonfundsafterbeinglaidofffromworksincehercompany

hadtosacrificemanpoweraftermakingafewbudgetcuts.It’sher3rdmonthofjoblessness, and she’s starting to ask friends for financial support. She’s beenapproachingTimothy for help for the past severalweeks, and at first, hewasmorethanwillingtolendwhathecould.Butnow,Claire’smonetaryneedsarestartingtomakeapalpabledentinhispocket.

Forthenthtime,ClaireapproachedTimothytoaskforsomecashbutthistime,herfriendwasn’taswilling.“I’mgoingtobebehindonmybillsifIuseanyofthemoneyIhaveonhandforanythingelse.Ihopeyouunderstand,Claire.”

“Ican’tbelieveyouwoulddo this tome.I’mliterally joblessrightnow,andIneed thismoney to survive. But of course, being ‘behind’ on your bills is farmorepressingthanmyproblems.I’msorryforevenbotheringyou.”

Timothyendsupgivingherthemoneyanywayandmakesafirmresolvetopayhisbillswithhisnextpaycheckinstead.ButwasClairerighttodemandsomuchofherfriend?

In the first place, Tim is the steward of his own finances. He should get tochoose how he spends the money he works hard for. So, whether or not hechoosestohelpClaireisreallycompletelyuptohimandnooneshouldholdhischoicesagainsthim.

Secondly,it’sworthmentioningthatClairehasbeenjoblessforover3months,whichmeansthatshemighthavehadmorethanenoughtimetofindanewjobtomeether financialneeds.The fact that she’s still relyingonotherpeople tomake ends meet for her signals that she might enjoy the setup of survivingwithouthavingtoworkforit.

Despite all of that, shemanages tomuscle Timothy into putting her interestsbeforehisownbymakinghimfeelbadforhisdecision.Sheplaystheroleofthevictim,highlightsherownproblems,andminimizesTimothy’splightinordertomakeitseemlikehe’sbeingunreasonableandgreedy.

Conditional love is another well-used tool in the narcissistic arsenal. Thismethodprovidesthevictimwithjustenoughaffectiontofeedtheirdesiretobeonthenarcissist’sgoodside,makingthemfeelworthyandsufficientforthetimebeing.Narcissistswilloftenpulloutthistacticwhenthevictimpleasesthemordoesanythingtobenefitthem,workingaspositivereinforcementthatmakesthevictimwanttocontinuetodogood.

Unfortunately, love that qualifies as genuine love should have to be

unconditional.Thatis,itdoesn’tchoosewhentolove,butratherchoosestolovedespitetheperson’sshortcomings.Thisissadlynotsomethingthatthenarcissistiscapableof.

Ifthevictimdoesanythingthatgoesagainsttheirdesires,preferences,orideas,the narcissist simply withholds love and affection, making the victim feelunworthyandundeservingofthenarcissist’scare.It’sonlywhenanapologyandanacknowledgmentofthewrongdoingwillthenarcissist‘forgive’thevictim.

Bychoosingwhentogiveloveandwhentowithholdit,thenarcissisteffectivelykeeps the victim in line. No one wants to get on a narcissist’s bad side,especiallybecausetheirapprovalissohighlyvalued.

Finally, it’s important to talk about how a narcissist might blame you foreverything.This tactickeeps their imagecleanandblemish-freewhile causingtheir victim to develop a concept of accountability. Abusers don’twant to bewronginanysituation,andsotheyexerciseeveryopportunitytomakesurethattheydon’tgetblamedforanybadpublicity.

Theyfindascapegoat—oftentheircurrentvictim—andtheyturnanyandeverysituationaroundtomakethepersonfeelbadabouthimorherself.Thisineffectmakesthevictimfeelunworthy,causingthemtoclingeventightertotheabuserinfearofbeingleft.

Inmanycases,narcissistswillalsoletotherpeopleknowofthevictim’sfailures.This is done overtly, with the scapegoat fully aware that other individuals intheir sphere are aware of their ‘mistakes’. This instills embarrassment, andmakes the victim submit completely to the abuser to show remorse and awillingnesstosetthemselvesstraight.

Allofthesemanipulationstrategiesdon’tonlymakethevictimactacertainwaynow,theyalsoinstillalong-termmechanismthatkeepstherelationshipthewayitisfortheforeseeablefuture.Breakingdownthevictim’sfree-willandsenseofself-worthmakes them reliant on the abuser, allowing the narcissist to controlthevictim’sthoughtsandactions.

What’s the purpose of control, you ask? Simple – narcissists thrive onadmirationandpraise.Havingyouundertheirspellmakesitpossibleforthemtohaveanarcissisticsupplywhenevertheyneedit.Avictim’sendlesslongingtoplease and appease the narcissist gives the abuser a consistent resource foradmiration.

Ontopof that, theyfeel like theirsuperiorityentitles themtoputothersunderthem. In their minds, they’re the best and that means they have the right tobelittleothersandmakethemsubordinatesinwhateverwaypossible.Bytakingcontrolofyourlifeanddecisions,theyfeelthey’redoingyouafavorsincetheybelievetheyknowbetterthaneveryoneelse.

SpottingaNarcissistintheRealWorld

Havingtroublefiguringoutwhojustmightbeanarcissist?Theycanbedifficultto spot because they’re so good at concealing their truth.At the start, they’relikely to appear very likeable and well-rounded, making those around themgravitate towards them. It’s onlywhenyou fall too deep into their trap that itbecomesapparentwhattheytrulyare.

There are a fewmarkers you can use to help identify them in the realworld.Often, these tell-tale signals should manifest all together, allowing you toidentifythenarcissistwithmoreaccuracy.

APleasingPersonality

Narcissistshaveaknack formaking themselves lookexceptionally flawless tothepublic.They’re friendly, smiley, andcharming,makingnewacquaintancesfeelcomfortableintheirfamiliarandamiableaura.Theytendtomakeyoufeelgoodaboutyourselfevenrightoff thebatwhichmightcauseyouto thinkthattheygenuinelylikeyou,too.

They will draw attention towards themselves by talking about their mostesteemedaccomplishments,whichmayendearyoutothemevenmore.Theideathat this person is friendly and successful makes them even more admirable.Essentially, their entirepersonamakesyouwant tobe their friend,beclose tothem,andbeassociatedwiththeminwhateverlittlewaypossible.

Thisisbecauseweashumanshaveanaturaltendencytothinkthatassociatingwithsuccessful,smart,beautiful,or‘ideal’peoplewillsomehowupliftourownimage.That’swhymanyofusprobablystruggledtorubelbowswiththecoolestkidsinschool.

Agoodway topickoutanarcissistwouldbe toassess theirpersonaandhowwellyouknowthem.Isthereanybadnewsaboutwhotheyare?Haveyouheardanystoriesthattalkaboutanypossiblenegativethingsthey’vedoneorsaid?Oraretheycompletelypolishedandblemish-free?Ifyounoticethatapersonseemstoogoodtobetrue,theyprobablyare.

…OnlyWhenIt’sNecessary

There arewhat youmight call ‘levels’ ofworth in a narcissist’smind.Peoplewho obviously have more money, success, or are considered more physicallyappealingareacknowledgedas‘superior’inanarcissist’smind,sothesepeopleobviously receive the best treatment narcissists have to offer. Peoplewho fallwithinthesamefinancial,success,andbeautybracketareconsideredequalsandaretreatedthesame.Thosewhofallslightlybelowthenarcissist’sself-appraisalare still deserving of praise and good treatment, but they’re awarded on aconditionalbasis.Thatis,thesepeopleneedtodosomethinginordertodeservethenarcissist’sapprovalandpraise.

Finally, there are people of zero interest to the narcissist. These are averageeverydayindividualswhoareseenasunnecessaryandirrelevant,sonarcissistswon’tbotherbeingniceorspendingefforttoshowtheirgoodside.

For instance, a narcissist might lash out disproportionately if the coffee shopbaristamakes themistakeof addingcream to theirorder.Thenarcissistmightcallthecashieratagrocerystore‘lazy’or‘dumb’fortakingtoolongcheckingouttheitemsintheircart.Theymightinsultthecustomersupportspecialistontheotherendofthelineiftheyaren’tabletoprovideasolutionfastenough.

Whenitcomestopleasingpeopleandseekingadmiration,anarcissistwillonlyspend effort trying to appease people that they know will always be in theircircleofcontacts.Afterall,whytrytowinoveracashierthatyou’renotlikelytomeetagaininthefuture?That’swhymanymenialworkersoftengetthebruntofanarcissist’sbadattitudeevenifthisistheirfirstencounter.

WhenNoOne’sLooking

Caught alonewith anarcissist?Get ready tohear some juicygossip about thepeople in your mutual circle. If there’s one thing that narcissists love, it’sbreaking down other people’s image. The process of talking negatively aboutother people makes a narcissist feel elevated, allowing them to polish theirimage further, especially when they’re compared to the person being talkedabout.

Aside from that, spewing negativity about other people strengthens their bondwithkeyindividualsintheirnarcissisticsupply.Takethisscenarioforexample.

Chris met Sheryl at a mutual friend’s party and thought she was quite thecharmer. The woman was witty, funny, and intelligent, able to hold a decentconversationwithout letting thingsgetboring.Not tomention thefact thatshelookedlikequitethestunner.Christhoughtshewasadream,sohewentaheadandaskedforhernumberbeforetheypartedwaysthatnight.

The following week, Chris asked Sheryl whether she’d like to grab a cup ofcoffee,whichsheagreedto.Theyspentsometimetalkingandgottoknoweachotherquitewellinsuchashortspanoftime.Theirdatesbecameapartoftheirweeklyroutine.

Soonenough,theywerecomfortableenoughwitheachotherthatSherylfounditeasy to open up toChris aboutmore personal topics, andChris felt the sameway.So,whenSherylaskedhimaboutpreviousloveinterests,hedidn’thesitatetoshare.

Sheryl learned that Chris had dated her college roommate Tara for a montharound2yearsprior.So,Sheryltooktheopportunitytodropsomeinformationon thegirlunder theguiseof simplybeingopenand truthfulabout thepeopletheyknew.She toldChris thatTarawaspromiscuous,bringingmen into theirsharedspacetoooftenforcomfort.ShealsoclaimedthatTarahadabadtemperthatwouldpushhertothrowthingsaroundinherrage.

Chrissaidhewashappytherelationshipdidn’tflourish,andhewasgratefulforhavingmetSheryl.HeevenwentasfarascomparingherwithTara,sayingthatSherylwasfarmoreattractiveandappealinginmorewaysthanone.

UnfortunatelyforChris,muchoftheinformationthatSherylsharedaboutTarawas based loosely on onetime events that didn’t accurately represent herpersonality or attitude. On top of that, Sheryl found it necessary to talknegativelyaboutTarabecauseitwoulddiscourageChrisfromcontinuingtoseeherassomeoneattractive,anideathatthreatenedSheryl’ssenseofsuperiority.Not wanting to have Chris even remotely think that Tara could have been aviable partner, Sheryl went ahead and destroyed whatever remained of herimage.

You’llfindthatanarcissisthasalotofconfidencetotalkaboutotherpeopleinyour circle and the things that could put them in a bad light. Sometimes, youmight even find that the conversations feel inappropriate and intrusive,especiallybecausenarcissistswillsharesuchintimateinformationwithsomeonethey’vejustrecentlymet.

SuccessfulYetExaggerated

Everyone lovesagreat success story.Risingupagainst the struggle,defeatingtheodds,andestablishingacomfortablelifeafterhavingbeendealtabadcard,that’sthekindofstuffthatinspiresotherstodotheirbest.Often,narcissistsaretheperfect exampleof rags to riches stories asmost of themdo tend to reachquitefarintheircareerthankstotheirundyingneedtogetahead.

Eventhen,narcissiststendtohypetheirachievements.Thatis,they’llinflatethetruthtomakethemseemmoresuccessfulthantheytrulyare.So,whiletheymayberelativelybetteroffthanmost,theiractualaccomplishmentsmaybefarlessextravagantthantheymakeitseem.

Takeacloserlookatwhatthispotentialnarcissistsaysabouttheircareer,theirfinances,andtheirpreviousaccomplishments.Aretheyaccuraterepresentationsof the truth?Or does it seem like they’re inflating reality tomake themselvesworthierofpraiseandadmiration?

Seeingthetruthaboutanarcissistcanbetoughbecausetheyseemsolikeableatthebeginning.Feedingtheuniversalneedthatmostpeoplehaveforacceptanceand validation, these great pretenders know exactlywhat to give you tomakeyouclingtothem,andwhattodotohityouwhereithurts.

Takingactionand severing the tiesyouused tohavewith thenarcissistmightjustbethebestthingyoucouldeverdoforyourselfinthislifetime,butthere’smore to healing than just leaving. As you’re probably learning, the recoveryprocess is farmorecomplicated than it seems.Butwithdedication,discipline,andawholelotofself-love,youcanlearntobeyourownpersononcemore.

Chapter3-HowTheyCometoBe

“Weareuniqueindividualswithuniqueexperiences.”-JohnGrey

Narcissistscan’tchange.That’sarealitythatyouneedtoaccept.Thesepeoplehave deeply embedded psychological trauma that stems from years of beingabused themselves. This makes it near impossible for them to correct theirbehavior,eveniftheywantedto.

Thatsaid,youmightbewondering,howdonarcissistscometobe?It’salong,complicatedprocess,anditstartsinearlychildhood.

NarcissisticParents

Inmostpeople—ifnotall—isthedesireforpraise.Tosomeextent,wemightdothe thingswedo and strive for success andprestige because of the popularityand attention it might get us. Of course, our wanting for admiration can bejustifiedasmotivationifwedon’tletitgetaheadofourselves.That’swhyyoumight say that narcissistic tendencies exist in all of us, despite not being fullblown.

In certain conditions, these tendencies become heightened and highlighted,forcingthepersonintoastateofmindthatisessentiallymotivatedbythedesirefor approval and praise. As external forceswork the individual into acting inorder to receive attention and validation, this becomes their primary state ofmind.Often,thisoccursinearlychildhood.

Parents of narcissistic adults are often narcissistic themselves. They see theirchildren as an extension of themselves andwant them to strive to be the bestamong their peers to ‘deserve’ the love and acceptance of their parents.Comparingthis to thewaythataparentshould trulybe, it’seasytoseewheretheissuelies.

Children hunger for nurturance and affection from their parents because thisplays a large role in their psychological, emotional, andmental development.However,becausenarcissisticparents think theirchildrenneed todeserve loveandaffection,childrenareforcedintoasystemthatputsvalueonthembasedonhowwelltheymeettheirparents’expectationsanddemands.

For instance, one mother would completely ignore and degrade her daughterbecause shewas underperforming in school, despite coming homewith fairlyreasonable grades. She would insult her daughter and compare her with hersiblings,makingherfeellikeastrangerinherownfamily.

Notwantingtoremainthe‘blacksheep’,sheworkedhardtogethighermarksinschool to which her mother responded with an outpouring of praise andadmiration.Suddenly,shewastoldthatshewasfarbetterthaneveryoneelseandthathermotheralwaysknewshehaditinher.

Now, the child assimilates that the benefits of working hard in school andcominghomewithgoodgradesaredoubled.Thefirstisthatitearnshertheloveandaffectionofhermotherwhichshedesperatelycravesfor.Thesecondisthatitmakesherbetterthanalltheotherpeopleatschool.

The more the mother reinforces this idea, the stronger it becomes in herdaughter’s head. So, she continues working hard for her mother’s approval,whileatthesametimeearningherrightfulplaceasthesuperiorindividualinherclass.Asshegrowsolder,shetakesthisbehaviorintoheradulthood,applyingittoallaspectsofherlife.

Aside from thisconditional loveandaffectiongiven toherbyhermother, thegirl isalso taughthow toact in frontofothers that theymightencounter.Thechild is dressed and groomed with utmost attention to detail, and her mothermakessureshelookslikeshestandsoutinthebestwaypossible.

When they’reout, thedaughter takescues from themotheronhow toact.So,she learns how to fake a smile, how to feign interest, and how to become the

idealconversationalistsothatthepeoplewhoseeherinpublicwithherfamilyaremadetothinkthey’reapicture-perfectbunch.

This alignswith themother’s need to be praised and admired for the ‘lovely’familyshe’sraisedandhelpsstrengthentheideaof‘usversusthem.’Essentially,thisconceptisanarcissist’sfavorite,urgingherchildrentoactacertainwayinorderforthemtoenjoythefeelingofelitism.Themorestronglythey’reabletoestablishtheideaofbeingasuperiorbreed,themorepraiseandadmirationtheygetfromthepeoplearoundthem.

AFaultyWaytoSeetheWorld

Yearsandyearsofbeingsubjectedtothiskindofconditionallovefromsomeofthemostimportantpeopleintheformativeyearsofachildcanresultinafaultypairofspectacleswithwhichtoseetheworldaroundthem.Thetreatmenttheyreceivedinchildhoodwilllikelycausethemtostriveforgreatnessbecausethatwastheirparent’sstandardtobeincludedinthisspecialclassofelitesthattheirfamilyclaimedtobe.

Now, as a full-grown individual, it’s possible that this person might feelcemented into their familyunit.So, theyhave the tendency tobelieve that thisgives them the leverage to belittle other people, because they’re a part of afamilythat’sfarsuperiorbasedontheirparents’claims.

In this sense, you can assume that there’s nothing to feel sorry about whendealing with a narcissist, aside from the unfortunate reality that you wereunluckyenoughtofallintoone’sweb.Theyhavenoremorseforwhattheydo,andtheycan’tempathizewithyoubecausetheythinkthey’rejustdoingwhat’sright.

They believe their status as a better person justifies their actions. After all,you’re far lesscapable than theyare–youprobablyowe themforall thehelpthey’vegivenyoutoatleastgetontheirlevel.Right?

FueledbyOutsiders

Ifyou’reontheoutsidelookingin,youjustmightsaythatanarcissistisexactlyeverythingyouwanted to be– smart, attractive, successful, financially secure.Thesepeoplepeddle thedream,andmake it seemlikeanattainable reality foranyonewhomanagestogetontheirgoodside.

Ifyoufeelguiltyorashamedforthinkingyourabuserwastheidealpersonwhenyoufirstmet them,don’tsweat it.That’sexactlyhowmostof thepeoplewhoencounteryourabuserfeel.Theirlikeableauraandtheirdazzlingpersonalitycanmakethemthecenterofattention,winningovertheheartsofmanyofthosetheyencounter,evenforthefirsttime.

This, ineffect, alsogains thema tonofcomplimentswherever theygo.So,atwork,atsocialgatherings,atfamilyparties,andvirtuallyanyothervenue,theygetwhattheywant,whichisadmirationandpraise.Butunlikehowitusedtobewhen theywere children, this brand of approval isn’t coming from a superiorparent-figure,butratherabunchofinferiorpeers.

While this does feed the narcissist’s ego, he also tends to see it as just right.Sinceheregardshimselfasthebetterindividualinanycase,it’sonlyrightthattheothersaroundhimrecognizehimforthisandfeedhisdesireforadmiration.

YourRoleintheNarcissist’sLife

So,nowweunderstandhownarcissistscometobethewaytheyare,it’stimetoask:whatwas their purpose in trying to control your life?What role did youplay?Andwhydidtheymakeitsodifficultforyoutoleave?

The answer is simple: narcissistic supply. These individuals need a constantsourceofpeople that theycanexploitanduse to fuel their inflatedself-image.Theythriveonhavingpeopletheycanpusharoundandcontrolbecausetheyfeelthat’s what they’re best at. Often, narcissists are people person because theyneedtheconstantvalidationandpraise.

Tothem,youwereasourceofthatadmiration.Theywouldtreatyouinawaythatwouldgetthemtheacknowledgementandapprovalthattheydesired.So,atfirst,theyprobablyputtheirbestfootforward,servedalltheirbeststories,andshowed you the best side of their persona so you would feel hooked andcompelledtocomplimentthemateveryturn.

Oncetheyknewyourloyaltywassecuredandyouwerefullyenthralledbytheirspectacular persona, theywould feed you slightly with compliments here andtheretomakeyoufeellikeyouwerejustasgoodastheywere.Youweretreated

like an extension of them, which ultimately fed your own latent narcissistictendencies.

Buteverynowandthen,you’dslipup.Andthatwouldputyouatthereceivingendof insults anddisapproval.Youwere suddenlynot good enough andyourabuser likely distanced him or herself from you. This was their way ofmaintainingcontrolonyour lifesince theyknewhowimportant theirapprovalwastoyou.

This going back and forth gives your abuser the feeling of control, somethingthat they often crave for. They enjoy being able to call the shots because itreinforcestheirfeelingofbeingsuperior.Havingyoutopusharoundandtoguiltbecauseyoudidn’tfollowtheirrulesheightenstheirsenseofdominance.

Essentially,keepingyouaroundwasall to fuel theirownneeds.Any loveandaffectiontheymighthaveshownyouwasinstrumentalintryingtosecureyourtrust and loyalty and may have been nothing more than that. Remember,narcissistsarecalledsuchbecausetheycanonlythinkofthemselves.Everythingand anything they do to is fueled by their greed and hunger for popularity,praise,andpower.

Rememberthatanarcissist’sbehaviorisnoneofyourfault.Youdon’tdeservetheirunfairtreatment.Rather,it’stheresultoftheirowntoxiccharacter.They’renot your responsibility, and definitely not yours to fix. So be sure to avoidapologizing for themand trying to rationalize their issues. Instead, thinkaboutyourownwellbeing.

Youshouldbefarmoreimportanttoyourself thananyotherperson.Ifanyonetellsyou thatyou’rebeingselfish in trying tocare foryourself, remember thatself-love is love, and is just asnecessaryasanyother formof loveyoumightgiveanyoneelse.Youdeserveyourcaremorethananyone.

Chapter4-TheAftermath

“Healingtakescourage,andweallhavecourage,evenifwehavetodigalittletofindit.”

-ToriAmos

Leavingyournarcissisticabuserwasprobablythehardestthingyou’veeverhadtodo.Maybe itwas the incessantnagging,maybe itwas theendless shaming,maybeitwastheconstantpressureplacedonyourbacktogivethemsomethingthatwas already too hard to give.Whatever the reasonmight have been, youneedtoknowthatyoumadetheonlyrightchoice.

Whenitcomestohealingfromanarcissist, theonlyrealoptionyouhaveistowalkaway.

Despitehearingandreadingallofthisfromcountlesssourcesthough,youmightfindyourselfstillteeteringonthefenceofguilt.Youwanttogoback,andyouwant toapologize.Youwant toappease thenarcissist and tell them theywereright,andyouwerewrong.

While theurgemightbestrong,youneed toknowthat thevoice inyourheadtelling you to go back is the mechanism that the narcissist put in placethroughouttheyearsthatyouweretogether.Thisisexactlyhowtheymanaged

toputyouthroughallthatabuse,bymakingyouquestionyourownself-worthandfeelthatyouowethemeverydecisionyoumake.

UnderstandingYourFeelings

Rightnow,it’spossiblethatyoumightbefeelingamixtureofdifferentfeelingsthat aremaking theprocessconfusing.Youmightevenbewonderingwhetheryou’vedonetheright thing.Tohelpput thingsintoperspective,herearesomepossibleexplanationsforthefeelingsandthoughtsthatarelikelygoingthroughyourhead.

Guilt

Remember when you were still in the abusive relationship, and the narcissistblamedyouforeverythingthatwentwrong?Youweretheirscapegoat,andtheywantedtoseeyouaccepttheblameforallthenegativethingsthathappenedinyour life togetherbecause itmade themfeelbetter about themselves,knowingthattheywerefault-free.

Thisconstantblamingwill instillanideathatconvincesyouthatyou’rewrongabouteverythingyoudo,unlessyougettheapprovalofyourabuser.That’swhynow,whenyou’renotonspeaking terms,youmightbeatyourselfupover theoutcomesofyouractions.

Keep in mind that a narcissist will automatically dislike anyone who crossesthem,evenifthesepeoplehavevalidreasonstodoso.Narcissistscan’tseeany

of themistakes theymake andwill easily feel anger and even hatred towardsanyonewhoclaimsthattheydidanythingwrong.

Trueenough,ittookgutstobeabletostandupforyourselfandsaythatenoughisenough,soyoudeservetofeelproudofyourselfforthat.Don’tlettheinternalmechanismmakeyouturnbackandreconsideryouractions.Justkeepmovingforwardandkeepyourheadaboveyourheart.

Isolation

Haveyoutriedtalkingtoanyfriendsorfamilyabouttherecentchangesinyourrelationshipwithyourabuser?If they’repeople thatarealso in thenarcissist’ssocialcircle, thenyoumight find themraising theirbrowagainstyouractions.Whywouldyoudothat?Theymightask.

Beforeyouexhaustyourselftryingtoexplainwhyyoufounditnecessarytodowhatyoudid,rememberthatnarcissistslookflawlesstomostofthepeoplethatonlyknowthemonthesurface.Considerthisscenario.

Andy had just recently walked out of a relationship with a friend that sheconsideredoneofherbestfriendssincehercollegedays.Carolhadbecometootoxic to be around, sharing nothing but negativity about other people,discreditingothers’achievements,andtryingtotakecontrolofAndy’sdecisionsinhercareer.

After suffering through the shame and the constant nagging, Andy finallydecidedthatitwastimetofindnewfriends,thosethatcouldsupportherinsteadofbringingherdown.So,shetoldCarolthatshewastakingabreakfromtheirusualroutineandthatshewouldbebusierinthefollowingmonthstoadjusttohernewjob.

Unfortunately,CarolmanagedtopickuponwhatAndywastryingtodo,soshewentaheadandseveredtheirtiescompletely.Ontopofthat,shealsogotaholdofall theirmutualfriendstotell themwhathadhappened.Thisway,everyonewouldbepredisposedtoblameAndyforthebrokenfriendship.

Ontheotherhand,Andyhadgonehometospendtheweekendwithherparents.They were familiar with Carol and they knew her to be one of Andy’s bestfriends.So,itcameasasurprisetoherparentswhentheylearnedthatsheandCarolwerenolongeronspeakingterms.

AlthoughAndytriedtoexplainthetruth,howCaroltrulywasbehindthesmilesand the gentle facade, her parents could hardly believe what she was saying.Theymaintained their ideas of Carol and insisted that perhapsAndy had justmisunderstoodherfriend’sintentions.

UnfortunatelyforAndy,thesituationwouldbethesamefromeveryangle,withall thefriendsshesharedwithCarol takingasimilarstanceespeciallybecauseCarolhadalreadygiven themthestoryfromherend.So, inanycase, ifAndywere to lookforsomeone tohelpherheal fromtheseparationwithher friend,shewouldeitherbemetwithdisbelieforblame.

Inmanyways, healing fromnarcissistic abuse can feel like a long and lonelyroad. It’spossible thata lotof thepeoplewhoyou thoughtwouldbe there foryou in these trying timeswon’tbe thereatall, taking thesideof thenarcissistandtellingyouthatyouprobablywereatfault.

Don’tworry, these allegations are rarely true. In the sameway that youwereconditioned to think a certainway, the narcissistmight have alsomanaged toshapethewaythatyourfriendsandfamilythink.Inasense,youcouldsaythatthenarcissistmanagedtoprotecttheirimagefromeverypointofviewsothatnooneseesthetruthevenifthere’ssomeone(likeyou)whomanagestorealizethereality.

Fortunately,therearelotsofforumsandonlinegroupsthatyoucanjointohelpyougetthesupportyouneed.Seekingtheserviceandguidanceofacounselorortherapistcanalsobeparticularlybeneficialinyourhealingprocess.

Disbelief

Howcouldtheyhavedonesomethinglikethattome?Backwhenyouwerestillin the narcissist’s grasp, youmight have thought that everything they didwasnothing short of the best.They had your best interest at heart, and everythingthey told you to do was recommended out of their intense desire to see yousucceed.

However,asthesmokeclearsaway,youmightstarttoseewhattheywerereallytryingtodo.Thegoodintentionsstart to lookmorelikepersonalagendas,andthe recommendations intended to improve your life are now obviously self-serving.

Often,thefeelingofdisbeliefhitsthechildrenofanarcissistthehardest.We’reconditioned to believe that our parentswant nothing but the best for us, so itcomesasasurprisetofindout that theywereactuallymakingdemandstosuittheirowndesiresinsteadofmakingrecommendationstobenefitourfuture.

Narcissistic parents can be odd in their behavior, because the narcissistictendenciestendtooverridethecallingtobenurturingandloving.So,theyendupcontrollingtheirchildren,feedingthemconditionallove,andforcingthemtotow a tight line in order to raise people that they can call extensions ofthemselves.

Asyouheal,youneedtounderstandthatanythingthenarcissistdidthroughoutyourrelationshipwaslikelytobenefitthemselves.Thesethingsmaycomeasasurprise as you realize themand continue todiscover the truthbut learning toacceptthetragicrealityofthenarcissisticpersonalitywillmakeiteasiertocopewiththetruthoftheiractions.

Longing

For awhile, it’s likely that the only thing that fueled youwas your desire toplease and praise your abuser. You found validity and worth in the smallamounts of ‘love’ that they would toss you, like a dog waiting for a bone.Despitethetoxicityoftherelationship,thosemomentswhenyouwouldreceiveevenjustsomesemblanceofaffectionwasmorethanenoughtokeepyougoing.

That’s how the abuser manages to get you to stay close, providing youconditionalloveandvalidationinsmalldoseswasaneffectivewaytokeepyoustriving to keep them happy. Unfortunately, now that the abuser is gone andyou’releftinthisisolatedstate,therewon’tbeanyonetoprovideyouwiththeloveyou’relookingfor.

Thisisoftenthemostdifficultfeelingtodealwith,thelongingforsomethingtofillinthespacethatyourabuserleftbehind.Don’tworry,it’snormaltolookforareplacementevenifthepersonwhoyouhadtocutoutwasanarcissist.You’reonlyhuman,andarelationshiplostisstillarelationshiplost.

But at this point, you need to keep your head over your heart. You need torealizethatthelovethattheabuserwasprovidingyouwasn’tloveatall,andthatyou’resimplyoperatingonthemechanismtheyputinplacetomakeyouyearnforthatspecifictypeofaffection.

On top of that, it’s important to recognize that nowmore than ever, you arepronetoclingingtoanothernarcissist.Meetinganew‘perfectperson’atatimewhenyou’revulnerable and emotional canmake it even easier to fall into thetrap. Be cautious of who you meet and always remember to keep your eyespeeledforthesubtlesignsofnarcissism.

Insteadoflookingforsomeonetogiveyoulove,thinkabouttheadvantagesofloving yourself. Being the first person to appreciate all the wonderful thingsaboutyourselfwillallowyoutoseethatyoudon’tneedanyonetoloveyou.Youcanbetheonetosatisfythatneed.

DealingwithYourAbuser

Nowthatyou’vesuccessfullyseveredyourtieswiththenarcissist,youmightbewondering: is it alright to have some sort of relationshipwith this person? Insomecases,itmightbeimpossibletocompletelyshutyourdoorstoanabusernomatterhowmuchyouwouldliketo.Immediatefamilymembers,coworkers,andother individuals youmayhave to continue to seewill still have some sort ofpresenceinyourlife.

So,canyoubecivilwiththem?

Theanswer isyesandno.First,nooneexpectsyouto try to‘cleanthingsup’withanarcissist.But ifyoufeel thatarelationshipofcivilitywouldworkbestfor the context of your relationship, then itmightwork out. Secondly, on thetopicofbeingcivil,it’spossibleforyoutobecivilwithanarcissist.Butwhetherthat’ssomethingthey’recapableofadaptingorunderstandingisquestionable.

With a narcissist, resuming a relationship after a rift entails an apology andrepentancefromtheoffendingparty,andofcourse,anarcissistwillnevertakethe blame for anything. So, without an apology, it’s possible that a narcissistmightrefusetoactcivilatall.

What does that mean for you? This simply means that adapting a ‘civil’relationship might be completely one sided. And unfortunately, the narcissistmight also take the opportunity to embarrass youwhenever you try to initiateanysortofcontact.

Forinstance,youmighttrytoreachouttotalkaboutafamilygettogether,andthenarcissistmightcompletelydismissyouorignoreyouwhenyoustarttotalk.Thisissomethingthey’relikelytodoespeciallywhenthereareothersaroundtoseeyoubeingtreatedwithanimosity.

Being that the narcissist probably has a pristine image amongst others aroundyou, the peoplewho see youbeing treatedwith negativitywill likely take thenarcissist’sside,assumingyoudidsomethingwrong.

In most cases, the best way to deal with a narcissist after breaking up yourrelationshipwould be complete avoidance. Ignoring the narcissist and treatingthemlikeanabsolutenon-entitycanbefarmorebeneficialforyourmentaland

emotionalhealing.Notonlydoesthisstrategykeepyoufrombeingdrawnbackintothenarcissist’strap,italsomakessurethattheabuserwon’thaveanypartofyoutoexploit.

Will itbeeasy?Absolutelynot.Infact,numerousvictimsofnarcissisticabuseclaimthattheurgetoreachout,totalkaboutthings,toaskforforgivenesscanspringatanytimeduringthehealingprocess,evenyearsafteryou’veendedtherelationship.

Althoughitmightbetough,it’snotimpossible.Trythesestrategiestohelpyouthroughthehealingandstrengthenyourresolvetomaintaindistancefromyourabuser.

VacateAllVenuesforCommunication

Unfollow. Unfriend. Block. It might sound harsh, and in our digital age, it’sdefinitelyconsideredtheworstthingyoucandotosomeoneonsocialmedia,butseveringanyavenuesthatyouortheymightusetoreachouttooneanothercanbeagreatwaytolimitthechancesofrekindlingthedyingflame.

ButwhatifIneedtotalktothemsomeday?Don’tletthethoughtofmaybedriveyou to keep those communication venues open.What’s important is the now,andyouneedtomaintainyourfocusonyourrecovery.So,makesuretoleavenodoorsorwindowsopenanddon’tlettherebeanyopportunitiesforyoutolettheinternalmechanismpushyouintoengaginginconversation.

StopUpdatingYourselfonTheirLife

These days, it’s easy to get information on someone’s current preoccupationsand activities. The internet isn’t called the information superhighway for noreason.Unfortunately,thismightalsomakeiteasierforyoutokeepcheckinginonyourabuser,gettingsnippetsofinformationofhowtheirlifehascontinuedinyourabsence.

Theproblemwith‘stalking’yourabuseronlineisthatitmightsparktwoflames.Thefirstistheflameoflonging:themoreyoukeeplookingattheirpicturesandupdates, themoreyoumightfeel theyearningtowalkbackintotheir life.Thesecondistheflameofsadness:seeingtheirlifegoonwithoutyou,andasthoughthey’re completely unaffected by your absence can significantly injure yoursenseofself-worth.

Whatyouneedtorememberis thatnarcissistsaremastersofdisguise.They’rethegreatestpretenders.So,althoughyourabsencelikelyhascausedthemsomedistress, they’ll make sure not to show that it does. Plus, theywere probablyexpecting you to peek into their life. So, they’vemade sure to be readywithimagesthatwillhityouwhereithurts.

RuminatetheTruth

Evenwhenweknowthatwe’re right,wehave the tendency togiveothers thebenefit of the doubt.That’s just hownaturally reasonable people are.So evenwhendealingwithanarcissisticabuser,victimshavetheurgetoconsiderotherangles.Maybethey’rehurting,too.Maybetheyhavealowsenseofself-esteem.Maybethey’retroubled.

Stop.Don’t.Nooneotherthanyourselfdeservesyourcompassionandkindness.Remember, narcissists aren’t troubled souls. They can’t be fixed. They’re notactingoutontrauma.That’stheproblemwithanarcissist;theydon’t‘deserve’

thecompassionthatmanyofusbestowonotherpeople.

Narcissistsgenuinely think they’rebetter thanyoubecause theywereraised tobelieveso.Theyfighttocontroleveryoneintheirlifebecausetheyfeelentitledto thatsortofpower.I’mbetter thanyou, thereforeyoushould listen tomesoyoucansomehowachievethesamegreatness.Itreallyisatoxicmentality.

Insteadoftryingtomakesenseofwhytheyactthewaytheydo,trytoruminatethe truthbehind theiractions.Sure, itmighthurtat thestart to reallysee theirbehaviorforwhatittrulywas,butbyinsistingthetruthonyourmind,thenitcanbeeasiertokeepyourdistanceastheylosetheirlusterandtaketrueforminyourmind’seye.

KeepYourselfPreoccupied

Of course, there is no strategymore effective than simply trying to keepyourabuseroutofyourmind.Atthispoint,yourfocusshouldbeonyourself,sotrytodothingsthatcommunicateself-love.Afterall,constantlythinkingaboutthepainandtheabusecanalsobenegativeifdoneinexcess.

So,trytotakeyourselfout,lookforanewhobby,ortreatyourselftosomethingnew.It’sevenbetter ifyoufindsomethingyoucanenjoywithout theneedforotherpeople’scompany.Themoreyouexpresslovetoyourself, thefasteryoucanreestablishyoursenseofself-worth.Oncethat’sinplace,itbecomeseasiertoseetheabuseforwhatittrulywas,allowingyoutodetachyourselffromyourabuserevenfurther.

WhenPushComestoShove

Asmuchasyou’dprobablyliketojustcompletelysevertieswithyourabuser,it’sverypossible thatyoustillmighthaveafewencountersnowandagain.Insomecases, thingscangodownwithnothingmore thanasnarkyremarkfromthe narcissist, but there are some instanceswhenyoumight have to dealwithmuch,muchmore.

Narcissistswho reallywant to hit their victimwhere it hurtswill likely try toprovokeyoubydoing things theyknowyou’ddislike.For instance, anabusermightdragyourjobintothepicturebyreachingouttoyourbosstowarnthemaboutyourbehavior. Inothercases,narcissistshavebeenknown to jeopardizerelationships,goingas faras trying tobreakupmarriages for thesakeof theirownsatisfaction.

Ofcourse,noonewantstodealwiththat.Infact,itmightworkinmostcases,causing you to fight back and engage the narcissist in an argument. Butremember,thesepeoplearegoodatwhattheydo,andtheywantyoutofeeltheurgetoengage.Indoingso,youmightbegivingthemtheupperhandsincetheymayhavealreadyplannedforyouruprising.

Although it might be difficult, the best solutionwould be to just ignore theireffortsandtreadon.Movingforwardandtakingthehigherroadwillreducethecollateral damage that your argumentsmight cause. Sure, the narcissistmightinflict some destruction all on his or her own, but by refusing to act on theirprovocation,youcanminimizetheeffectsoftheiranger.

HowNOTtoHandleaNarcissist

Toanyonedealingwithandhealingfromnarcissisticabuseforthefirsttime,it’seasytomakeawrongmoveanddosomethingthatcouldpotentiallycausemoreharm than good. What you need to remember is that narcissists are not likenormalsociallyfunctionalpeople.They’repsychopaths—asharshasthatmightsound—and thatmeans they canbehave inviolent anddestructivewayswhenprovoked.

Thereareafewthingsyouneedtomakesuretoavoidwhendealingwithyourabuser,andthesecornerstonesaretheessentialstowardsminimizingtheriskofconfrontation.

TellingOtherPeopleabouttheNarcissist

If there are a lot of people in your social circle that know your abuser, theymight startwonderingwhy you no longer spend time together.As the victim,your tendencymight be to out the narcissist and tell otherswhat you learnedaboutthatspecificpersonalitytype.

Beforeyougoonsharing,rememberthat toeveryoneelse, thenarcissist likelylookspristineandblemish-free.They’reperfect,andbetweenthetwoofyou,it’slikelyyouthatappearsquestionableandresponsibleforthebrokenrelationship.

Thatsaid,it’spossiblethatthepeopleinyourcircleoffriendsandperhapseveninyourfamilyarenotmentallypreparedtobeconfrontedwiththetruth.Soevenifyouservethemtherealityasithappened,it’spossiblethattheymightchoosetoseeittheirway,whichiswiththenarcissistmaintainedintheirpristineimage.

For you, this can be exhausting, frustrating, and painful, especially becauseyou’reonlytryingtospeakyourtruth.Beingtoldthatyouprobably‘justhadamisunderstanding’or thatyoushould reconsider the turn thatyour relationshiptook can be brutal to hear, particularly because narcissistic abuse can beseriouslydamaginginmorewaysthanone.

Being unable to get people to believe your truth can bring you right back tosquare one, questioning your decisions and revisiting the relationship you hadwith the narcissist, trying to look at it in a different light.On top of that, notbeingable toget thekindofreceptionyouwerehopingforcanmakeyoufeelunvalidated,asifaddingsalttoahealingwound.

Letotherpeoplediscoverthenarcissist’srealityattheirownpace.Findawaytodismissinquiriesaboutthestatusofyourrelationshipwithyourabuserbygivingdemonstrativestatementsthatjustgiveagistofthereality.“Wegotintoafight,andI’mreallynotcomfortablediscussingthedetails,”isagreatwaytosilencepeoplewhenthey’retryingtopryintothesituation.

TakingThemtoaTherapist

These days, it’s possible to get specialized therapy or counseling for groups,couples, families, friends,youname it.These sessionsare said to significantly

improvetheinsightthatarguingpartieshave,givingthemabetterideaastowhyeach other is acting the way that they are. In many cases, therapy has savedrelationships, allowing people to continue on with new perspectives andrediscoveredlove.

Although thatmight sound like something youmightwant to havewith yourabuser—especially if they’re a close family member or a romantic partner—therapyisactuallynotrecommendedasasolutionagainstnarcissisticabuse.Nodoubt,most therapists and counselors are good atwhat theydo, but not all ofthemknowhowtospotanarcissist.So,whathappens?

During your session, it’s possible that the narcissist might use any one or acombination of the manipulation techniques in their arsenal, triangulating thecounselor andmaking them seeyou as the bad guy. In thisway, the therapistseesyouastheissueintherelationships,aimingallargumentsatyouandfailingtoseetherealityofthesituation.

Therapistswillnotwork inanycase,unlessyoucanpre-empt the therapistbytelling them before the session that you’re dealingwith a narcissist, which isunlikely and unheard of. Aside from that, it’s important to remember that anarcissistcan’tchange.

They don’t become narcissistic overnight; these behaviors are developed andembeddedintheabuser’spsycheearlyoninlife.Apoorchildhoodandabusiveparentingforcesthenarcissistintotheirtoxicbehaviorandstateofmind,sotheydon’treallyknowhowtoactanyotherway.Evenworse,theyhavenoinsightontheir poor social skills whatsoever. This, matched with their aversion tocorrection,makesitimpossibletomakethemseethingstherightway.

Essentially,whatthismeansisthatyoushouldprobablysaveyourenergyifyouwere planning to help a narcissist become a better person. Many of us areprogrammedtobelievethatchangingpeopleandstickingwiththemevenwhen

they’re difficult to love is somethingwe should do in order to be called goodpeople. Leaving someone for failing to meet our expectations of who theyshouldbeisconsideredcruelandindifferent.

Whileitmightbetruethatmostpeoplecanchange,thatishardlythecaseforanarcissist.Theseindividualsstrugglewithissuesthatarefartoodeeplyingrainedin theirpsyche, so there’snowayanyonearound themcouldpossiblymakeachange.Evenwith the volition to change, a narcissistmight have a hard timetrying tobecause it becomes an internal power strugglebetween theway theywereandthewaytheywanttobe.

Insteadoftryingtochangesomeonewhomightonlyendupdisappointingyouor abusing you for pointing out their mistakes, work on bettering yourselfinstead.Investinyourmentalandemotionalhealingandtrytoestablishanewsocialcirclewithhealthier,happierrelationships.

Chapter5-WhenTendenciesStick

“Bepickyaboutwhoyoukeeparoundyou.Personalities,words,andtraitsdoruboffnaturally.”

-SonyaTeclai

Georgehadjustabouthadenoughofhisfather’sbehavior.Hedidn’tlikebeingbelittled,torndown,andcomparedtohisdad,andhehatedhavinghishardworkunderappreciated simply because hewas ‘just his father’s son.’ So, after theirlastheatedargument,hedecidedtojustwalkawayandleavetheirrelationshipatthat.Whetherthey’deverbeongoodtermsagain,hewasuncertain.Buthewashappytofinallybefreefromhisdad’sabuse.

In the weeks following his falling out with his dad, George started to feel astrongsenseofisolationandguilt.Hefeltasthoughhehadwrongedhisfather,andstruggledtoresisttheurgetoreconcile,knowingfullwellthatitwouldonlygivehisdad the fuelheneeded tomakeGeorge feelbadaboutprotectinganddefendinghimself.

George would soon start to realize all the little narcissistic behaviors that hisfathermanifested throughouthis childhoodupuntilhis adulthood.He realizedthatall theexpensive familyvacationshis fatherwouldsplurgeonweren’t fortheir enjoyment, but to show others around them that he had the financialcapabilitiestopayforsuchexpensiveoutings.

He noticed that as he and his siblings were growing up, their father wouldalwayspickafavoritewhohewouldpraiseandvalidate to thepointwhereallthe other siblings felt like they had to compete to get the same treatment.Herealizedthathisfatherrarelyhadanythinggoodtosayaboutanyone,andthatheparticularly seemed to enjoy talking harsh negativities about everyone aroundhim.

By thinking about his father’s behavior, George soon discovered that he hadbeenactingsimilarly.Henoticedhowhewouldalsobecriticalofothers,howheoften thought hewasbetter thanmanyof his coworkers, andhowhe found ittoughtodealwithcriticismfromothers.Inalotofways,hehadassimilatedhisfather’sbehaviorandwasshowingborderlinenarcissistictendenciesinmanyofhisinteractions.

Needless to say, staying too longwith anarcissist canmake this apossibility.Especiallyforchildrenofnarcissists,assimilatingnarcissisticbehaviorisaveryreal danger. However, a sudden severance of a relationship with a narcissist,especiallyifithappensinaconfrontationalway,canhelptheabusedsnapoutofthespellandseethenarcissistictendenciesinthemselves.

So, ifyou’ve just left anabusive relationshipwithanarcissistwhomadeupalargepartofyourlife,youmightstarttonoticethatyou’vestartedtoadoptsomeofthebehaviorsthey’veshownyou.Often,it’sthesenseofinflatedself-esteemandthecriticalviewofothersthatsticksaroundmorenoticeably.

Uponrealizingthis,youmightfeelworriedthinkingthatthere’snowaytoturnback.Afterall,narcissistscan’tchange.So,whatdoes the future look like foryou? Remember that narcissistic people struggle to change because of theiroutlook.Theycan’trecognizethatthey’redoinganythingwrong,sotheydon’tfeeltheneedtofixanything.

However,sinceyou’vealreadynoticedthatthere’sanerrorinthewaythatyouoperate in social situations, itwill becomemuchmore possible andviable foryoutomakeachangeinyourlife.

HowtoErasetheNarc’sEffects

Youalreadyknowhowitfelttobeabusedbyanarcissist,andit’slikelythatyouwon’twanttoinflictthesamedamageonthepeoplearoundyou.Somepeoplewhoweresubjectedtonarcissisticabuseclaimtowanttoerasethenarc’seffectsbecause they want to distance themselves from their abuser completely, notwantinganyoftheirresidueintheirlives.

Whatever the case might be with you, it’s very possible to erase narcissistictendenciesonceyoubecomeawareof them.Followingthesestepsshouldhelpsetyouoffintherightdirectiontowardsbecomingabetterperson.

BeMindful

In a lot ofways, the effects of the narcissistmight bemoderately to severelyingrained in your psyche aswell. Of course, thismight change depending onhowcloseyouwerewithyourabuser,andhowmuchpowertheytrulyhadoveryour life. In many cases, the most severe effects exist in the children ofnarcissistssinceparentsareoftenthebiggestinfluenceinourlives.

Now that you know the kind of effect your abuser had, it’s ideal that youmaintain mindfulness since many of the behaviors you’ve learned are likelyreflexive.Whatdoesthatmean?Simplyput,youmightfindthatthetendenciesyou’veadaptedarenotactuallythingsthatyoustillhavetothinkaboutinordertomanifest.Theyshowupevenwhenyou’renottrying,makingyouactinwaysthatyouotherwisewouldtrytoavoid.

Maintainingmindfulnessonthedifferentwaysthatyoumightshownarcissismisn’teasy.Despitethat,itispossibletotrainyourmindsothatyoulearntoundothe behavior. This involves becoming more tactful and thinking moredeliberatelybeforeyouactorspeak.

Rightbeforeyoumakeamove,trytoaskyourselfthesequestions:

AmIactingoutofasenseofself-entitlement?

Willanythinggoodcomeoutofmywords/actions?

AmIdoingthistocauseinsulttoothers,ortomakethemfeelinferiortome?

Do I have a valid reason to dislike this person and to act out on myfeelings?

Although youmight take some time thinking about the repercussions and themotives behind your thoughts, going through this process of weighing youractionsbeforeyouexecutethemcanhelpyouavoidactingoutlikeyourabuser.Over time, the process will become instinctual, allowing you to erase thetendenciesalltogether.

LearntoAcceptOthers’Advantages

One of the things that narcissistic victims tend to admit is that they have thetendencytolookdownonotherpeopleandtheirachievements.Thisistheresultofthenarcissistinitiallytreatingyoulikeanextensionofhimorherself.

Theyonlywanttoassociatethemselveswithpeoplewhodeservetobeintheirpresence, so it’s possible that youmight haveheard them tell youhow smart,beautiful,talented,gifted,orcapableyouare.Withtime,thiscanmakeyouthinkthatyouarebetterthantheothersaroundyou,justlikeyournarcissisticabuser.

The ‘us versus them’ mentality is a popular tactic used by narcissists to

strengthentheirvictims’feelingsofoneness.Themoreyoufeelunitedwithyourabuser,themorelikelyyou’llsubmittotheirdemandsandexpectations.

Now that you’ve severed the ties, youmight start to notice howyouhave thetendency to lookdownonothers and thinkof yourself as the better person inmost social situations. You might see how you tend to dislike it when otherpeople do better than you, and you resort to nitpicking to find something thatthey’rebadattomakeyourselffeelbetter.

In these instances, it’s important to remindyourself that different people havedifferentstrengths,andyoucan’tbethebestateverything.Therewillalwaysbeothers who are better than you at certain activities or tasks, and that’s not aproblem. That doesn’t mean that you amount to less, you don’t need to feelthreatenedbyotherpeople’ssuccess.

ErasetheAggression

Beingaroundanarcissistmighthavemadeit reflexiveforyouto lookatmostsocial interactions as though they’re confrontational and aggressive in nature,evenifthepeopleyouencounteraren’ttryingtosparkanargument.Thisisoftenthe result of the narcissist telling you’re better than other people, a necessaryaspectofestablishingthe‘usversusthem’mentality.

Now,when you’re in a social situation, your initial tendencymight be to actdominatingandaggressive,assertingyourselfevenwhen it isn’tnecessary justtoreinforceyourabuser’sideathatyou’rebetterthantheothersyouencounter.Try to adapt amore neutral response to social interactions and react basedonwhatyou’reshowninsteadofbeingconfrontationaloffthebat.

It’s entirely possible to develop narcissistic traits despite being abused in therelationship. Remember, the narcissist’s tactics involve making you feel likeyou’re on the same level, which may cause you to develop a sense ofimportance,entitlement,andinflatedself-worth.

Recognizingwherethesebehaviorsmightmanifestthemselves,developingyourmindfulness, andworking to improve yourself as you continue the process ofhealingcanhelpyouescapethetrendtobecomemuchlesslikeyourabuser,andmoreofawell-rounded,level-headedindividual.

Chapter6-CopingwithOutsidersLookingIn

“Nobodyknowsyourentirelifestorybutyou.Theymayhaveheardpiecesofit,butnoonewilleverknowyoulikethewayyouknowyourself.”

-NickSusi

Acommon issue thatvictimsofnarcissistic abusehave todealwithbutdon’toftenexpectisthepressureofexplainingthemselvestothepeopleintheircircle.That’s the problem with being in any sort of relationship with a narcissist;connectionsarerarelyeverprivate.So,therearegoingtobealotofpeoplewhomightbewonderingwhyyou’resuddenlynolongerseentogether.

Tothehealingvictim, thesequestionsmightseemliketheidealopportunity toopenupandtalkabouttheabusethatthey’dbeenthrough.Butitoftenprovestobeapitfallbecausemanyofthosearoundyoumightstillseethenarcissistinapositivelight.

TheStruggleofIsolation

In many ways, the healing can feel like treading a lonely road. It’s rare thatyou’ll have someone from your family and friends who can truly understandwhatyou’regoingthrough.Ifthey’reclosewiththeabuser,theymayevenactinfavorofthenarcissistandinflictmorepainandhurtonyou.

Throughout thisprocess,youneed tounderstand thathaving someone there tohelpyou through thehealingmightbe impossibleunlessyou’re able to findasupportgrouptohelpyouout.That’swhyit’salwaysbesttohelpyourselfandseek out support if you feel that it’s necessary for your emotional andmentalhealthandwellbeing.

Whydopeopleabandonthevictimofnarcissisticabuse?Simple:thenarcissistmight have already beaten you to the punchline. Knowing that you’vedisengagedfromtherelationship,yourabuseralreadyhasanideathatyoulikelyhaveafewbadthingstosayaboutthem.Sincethey’reintenselyinvestedintheirimage, theydo theirbest tomakesure thatnoneof that informationmakes itswayintothemainstream.

So, the moment you walked away, it’s likely that the narcissist had alreadypainted apictureof you toyour common friends and family.Ultimately, theirobjective was to make sure that you had as little credibility as possible, soanythingyoumightsaylaterwouldhavelittlelikelihoodofbeingbelieved.

In some cases, a narcissist might even encourage others to avoid you alltogether. They do this by inflating your mistakes, making you look like aseverelybadperson,andtellingothersto‘watchout’becauseyoumightdothesamethingtothem.

The reasonwhy thisworks, even if you’vebeennothingbut friendly, helpful,andhonestwiththepeoplearoundyou,isbecauseanarcissistwillalwayshaveamuchmorepolishedimagethanyoudo.They’reseenasideal individuals,andtheideathatyoumighthavecrossedthemcomesacrossasunreasonable.Whatreasonwouldyouhavetobesoupsetwithsomeonewho’ssowell-rounded?

AlltheWrongReasons

If you’re lucky enough to have family and friends that are strangers to yourabuser, then youmight be able to vent and talk about your situation in a lesscriticalspace.However,it’simportanttounderstandthatjustbecausetheydon’tknowyourabuser,doesn’tmeanthey’llbeabletoprovidereasonable,actionableadvice.

For instance,Tracy,who had finally decided to leave her abusive, narcissistichusbandaftersufferingthroughpoortreatmentfornearly10years,comestoherclose workmate and best friend who hasn’t met or seen her husband. Tracyopens up about the difficulties, the control, and the emotional and mentalmanipulationthathasherbroken,beaten,andclosetodepressed.

Ofcourse,herfriendsympathizeswithherandtellsherthateverythingwillbefine. But a main theme in her advice is that Tracy should give her husbandanother chance. “He’s your husband after all. Do you reallywant to sacrificeyourmarriage foranattitudeproblem?Therearepeoplewhohaveseenworsebutstillmanagetosoldierthrough.Maybehe’sgoingthroughaphase.”

Thereasonwhytheothersaroundyoumightfinditeasytosaythingslikethisisbecause they’ve never dealt with a narcissist before. It is true, relationshipsformedthroughbindingcovenantssuchasmarriage,canbehardertotossoutthewindowbecauseofthepromisesyou’vemade.Butharmoniouscoexistencewithanarcissistisrarelyachievable.

Others can easily try to cope with the bad habits and attitudes of their closefriendsandfamilyandsaythatit’saneffortborneoflove.Butifyou’redealingwith a narcissist, love is hardly a sound solution.These people can’t interpretaffectionand love,andonlyseepositive receptionof theirbeingaspraiseandadmiration.So,anylovethatyoumightofferwillbeseenassubmissivenessandacknowledgmentoftheirsuperiority.

Hearing other people in your circle telling you to be more patient, to extendyourself, to consider the role the abuser hasplayed inyour life canmakeyousecond-guessyourdecisiontowalkaway.Butkeepinmindthatthesepeoplearespeaking from a completely different vantage point and likely have noexperiencedealingwithanarcissistatall.

Whileit’salrighttoventandseeksupportfromfriendsandfamilythathavenotieswith your abuser, it’s always best to considerwhere they’re coming fromwhentheydecidetoimpartanysortofadvice.Peoplewhohavenoexperiencewith narcissists might give you recommendations that don’t really fit yoursituation, so take it in stride and be secure in your decision to leave.No oneknowswhat’sbetterforyouotherthanyourself.

The road to recovery can be a long and lonely one. Often, you will havedifficultyfindingasupportgroupthatcanactuallyrelatetoandunderstandyoursituation.That’sbecausenarcissistsareexceptionallygiftedathidingtheirtruth,somostpeoplewon’tknowtherealnatureofyourabusereven ifyouexhaustyourself trying toexplain it.What’smore,notallpeoplehaveencounterswithnarcissists, so the odds of finding someone who can fully understand yoursituationcanbeachallenge.

But don’t lose hope. These days, it’s possible to find support groups fornarcissisticabusevictims,allowingyouaccesstoavarietyofresources,stories,andcompanionship that canhelpyou soldier through thehealingprocesswiththerightguidanceandreassurance.

Chapter7-FocusingonYou

“Neverbebulliedintosilence.Neverallowyourselftobemadeavictim.Acceptnoone’sdefinitionofyourlife,butdefineyourself.”

-HarveyFiernstein

Thedifficultyofsimplywalkingawayfromanarcissisticabuseristhefactthattheymight have been able to successfully win over your affection, trust, andloyalty.Theirmanipulative tactics areoftenhighly effective, allowing them toestablishstrongbondswiththeirvictimsthatmakeitexceptionallydifficultforanyonetojustleave.

Atthispointinyourhealing,youmightstillbewonderingwhetheryoumadetherightchoice.Don’tworry, it’sonlynormal todoubtyourself.Themechanismsput inplacebyyour abuser aren’t as easilydismantled, so itmight take sometime. But with dedication and perseverance, you can free yourself from theshackles.

AvoidingDistractions

You’ll find that thebiggestdistractionyoumayhave todealwithduringyourrecovery is the thought of trying to support your abuser through change.Youknowtheywerewrong,youknowtheymanifesttoxicbehaviors,andyouknowthat everyone can change. Sowhy not help your abuser through the process?Thisway,youmightnothave tobreak itoff,allowingyou tohaveahealthierrelationshipwiththenarcissist.Right?

Unfortunately, there is no such thing as having a healthy relationship with anarcissistic individual. Ushering them through changemeans pointing out theproblemswiththeirbehavior.Knowinghownarcissistscanbe,doyouthinkthisstrategywillruboffwell?Ofcourse,itwouldn’t.

Simplytalkingaboutanynegativeattitudesthatanarcissistmightpresent,evenifthey’reabsolutelyjustifiedandfactual,willdefinitelycauseanangerflareup,putting you at the receiving end of criticism and shame. So really, there’s nosuchthingashelpinganarcissistbecauseitonlyplacesyouunderfire.

So,what’sthebestsolution?

Theanswerissimple:avoiddistractionsandfocusonwhat’simportant,whichisyou!

Thehealingprocessisn’tabouttryingtoreconcileabrokenrelationship,it’snotabout trying to ‘fix’ a narcissist, it’s not about finding a way to keep yourconnection with an abuser while minimizing the damage they inflict on yourmentalhealthandwellbeing.

It’saboutlearningtoloveyourselfandbeingfirminyourdecisions.It’saboutbeingabletoweightheprosandconsofhavingcertainpeopleinyourlifeandhavingasenseofself-worththat’sstrongenoughtocuttoxicindividualsoutofyourcirclenomattertheroletheyplayedinyourlife.

OntheRoadtoRecovery

Healing from narcissistic abuse can be a long, painful, and exhausting road.Therearecountlesshurdlesthatlitterthewaytowardsacompleterecovery,andyouneedtobecarefulnottogetcaughtinthem.Ofcourse,keepingyourgoalinmindcanhelpreducethechancesoffallingintotheseroadblocks.Butthereareafewotherstrategiesyoumightwanttotryouttohelpyouachievehealing.

WriteaJournal

Likelosingweightorbuildingupyoursavings,healingfromnarcissisticabuseis a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. So, you need to stay dedicatedthroughoutthejourney.Andoneofthewaysthatyoucandothatisbykeepingtrackofyourprogresswithajournaloradiary.

Writingdownhowyoufeeloncertaindayscanmakeiteasiertoruminateyourdeeper emotions. Numerous studies have found that writing enhances thethought process, allowing you to piece apart your feelings to put them intocontext.Italsohelpstoaskyourselfquestionsregardingtheinformationyou’ve

written.Whydoyoufeel thisway?Whatcanyoudotoresolvethesenegativeemotions?Thesearesimplepromptsthatcanhelpyouthriveemotionally.

Ontopofthat,beingabletoreadbackonthewayyoumighthavefeltinthepastcanencourageyoutokeepmovingforward.Forinstance,ifyoureadyourfirstentryandcomparehowyoufeltthenwithhowyoufeeltoday,youmightnoticesignificantpositivechanges.Seeinghowfaryou’vecome,youmayfeelfarmoreempoweredtokeepontreadingtheroadtorecovery.

FindaNewCircleofFriends

If your abuser was part of your circle of friends, then it’s possible that theremightnotbeabletocontinuehangingoutwiththem.There’snoknowingwhatkindofinformationtheabusermighthavesharedregardingyou,soit’sgoingtobe difficult to share a spacewith these friends.Why?Anarcissist can inspirethemtoabuseyoubyproxy,makingitevenmoredifficulttomovethroughyourhealing.

Ifyoufeel likeyouneedfriends, thenyoumightwanttoconsiderfindingnewcompanions elsewhere. Narcissistic support groups are a great place to findlikemindedindividualswhomayhavebeenthroughthesamekindoftraumathatyou have. These judgment-free spaces are ideal to help you recover, allowingyoutoshareyourexperienceswithouthavingtoworryaboutdisbelief.

Inyoursearchfornewfriendshowever,it’simportantthatyoukeepthesignsofnarcissistsinmind.Atthisparticularlyvulnerabletimeinyourlife,it’spossiblethatyoumightfallvictimtoyetanotherabuser.Don’tfallforpeoplewhomightshow the samesubtle signsofnarcissists andkeepa levelheadwhenmeetingnewpeople;itcouldsaveyoufromanotherfaultyrelationship.

Don’tRushYourself

You’regoingtohavelowpoints,thisisarealityyouneedtoaccept.Sometimes,thepainandtheangermightbeoverwhelming,makingyoufeellikeyou’dwanttodonothingmorethanjustliedownandsulk.Don’tworry,ithappens.

Ridingthemotionsofrecoveryandallowingyourfeelingstostrikewillletyouhealmoreeffectivelyinsteadofsuppressingthemandtryingtopushthemback.Remember,repressedfeelingswillsurfacelateroninuglierways.Sobesureto

letthemoutastheycomeandresolvethemassoonastheysurfacesoyoucanbefreeofthem.

Rushingyourselfthroughrecoveryandforcingyourselftofeelokaymightworkfornow.But triggers can cause certain emotions to risebackup throughyoursystem.Theseunaddressedemotionscanmakeyoufeellikeyou’rerightbackatsquareone,makingitdifficulttotrulymovethroughtheprocess.

Don’t force yourself into feeling anything, and don’t pretend to be okay.Emotionsarehealthyandshouldn’tbeseenasnuancesthatneedtobesilenced.Love yourself enough to know that theway you feel is completely valid andappropriate, and nurse yourself back to proper emotional health one day at atime.

Don’tApologizefortheNarc

Onewaythatsomepeopletendtotrytoachievehealingisbyapologizingfororrationalizing the things that thenarcmighthavedone to them.If thenarcissistdid any of the things they did out of their own lack of self-esteem, out oftraumatic experiences, out of faulty upbringing somehow invalidates the wayyoumight feel. Assuming that there’s a ‘better’ person underneath the narc’sexterior,waiting to be taken care of and fixedmakes your emotions a secondpriority.

Rememberthathealingisaboutyou.Whilemanyofuswanttobelievethere’sgoodineveryone,thisdefensemechanismdoesn’ttranslatewellwhentryingtoheal from a narcissist’s abuse. You need to learn to admit that they were ahorribleperson, that they’renotgoing to change, that theycan’tbe fixed, andthatthey’replainmean.

Sure, it’s not easy. We all want to believe that everyone deserves a secondchance.Butwhenyouacknowledgethenarcforwhattheytrulywere,you’llbeabletoputyourselffirstandavoidtryingtoreconcileinthehopeofbeingableto fix them.Theycan’tbe fixed,unfortunately.However,youcan fixyourselfandbecomeabetter,strongerperson.

DiscoveringYourInnerChild

Thisone’sadoozyandisoftennotaseasilyachieved.Buteachoneofushasan

innerchildwithunmetneeds thatpossibly tookplaceearly inour lives.Thesegapsinourinnerchild’smindwerecreatedbyourparents’remiss,causingustolookforthingstofilluptheholesinourheartsbyseekingoutcertaintypesofpeople,places,orpossessions.

Wait,myparentswerenothingshortofthebest.Theyweren’tperfect,buttheydidn’tdoanythingwrong.Theywereonly trying theirbest.Althoughit is truethatmost parents were probably providing you the best childhood they couldaffordandmanage,itdoesn’tmeantheydidn’tcommitminorerrorsorneglectwhile you were growing up. This doesn’t mean they’re bad parents, just thatthey’rehuman.

The thing that makes us vulnerable to narcissistic abuse is our longing forvalidation, acceptance, and affection. Inmanyways, these are things that ourparentsshouldhavebeenresponsiblefor.Duringthetimesthatwewereunableto receive enough of these from them, it’s possible that our childhood brainsmighthavedevelopedaspecificlongingforthem.

SigmundFreud,apopularpsychoanalyst,made it simplewhenhe releasedhistheoryofFreudianstagesofPsychosexualDevelopment.Thistheorystatesthatat each age, individuals have specific needs that should be met in order toproperly transition over to the next phase of development. If certain

requirements are not met, then that individual may grow up to manifest theremissduringthestagethatwasimproperlysatisfied.

Takeforexamplepeoplewho indulge insmokinganddrinking,bothactivitieswhich center around the oral orifice. During the first stage in Freud’s theory,calledtheoralstage,allfunctionsofthechildarefocusedaroundtheregionofthemouth.Thisincludesbreastfeeding,teething,crying,andexploringtheworldbyputtingtoysandotherobjectsintheirmouths.

Mothersthatfailtobreastfeedtheirchildrenthattakeawhiletorespondtotheirbaby’s cries, that prevent their children fromexploring toyswith theirmouthsultimatelyfailtosatisfytheoralstage.So,whathappens?Inadulthood,thismaymanifest as aneed tokeep themouthpreoccupiedwith cigarettesor alcoholicbeverage.

Throughout the different stages, our needs change, so manifestations can bedifferentasweagedependingonwhichareaourparentsfailedtosatisfy.Withthisprinciple inmind,wecanseehowcertaingaps inourparents’upbringingcancauseissuesinouradultlives.

TakeMartha’ssituationforexample.Marthawasbroughtup inahomewherebothofherparentsworked strict corporate jobs.Theywerebothhigh rankingexecutives,makingquitealotofmoneytobeabletofundtheirlargefamilyof8. With 6 children to send to school, dress, feed, and provide for, Martha’sparentshadquitea loton theirplate.So, theyworkedextendedhours tomakesurethatalloftheirbillsandneedswerepaidfor.

Whenherparentsgothome,Marthawouldoftenseethemhaveaquickdinnerasa couple since all the childrenwould have finished eatingwhen they arrived.Theywould then trudge to their bedroom, get ready for bed, visit the kids intheir roomsandsaygoodnight,and thensleep.On theweekends, theirparentswould be working on documents that had to be signed and processed for thecomingweek.

Marthaandhersiblingsalldidwellinschool,andtheyallenjoyedtheluxuryofgoing to a private educational institution. They came home with impressivegrades and were highly participative in sports and after-school activities.Whenever Martha came home with grades from a recent exam or quiz, shewould always place her scorecard on her parents’ bedroom desk andwait forthemtoseeitinthemorning.

Onsomedays,herparentswouldcongratulateher fora jobwelldone.Butonothers, the pressure of their responsibilities made it difficult to have time foreach of their children. So, Martha’s achievements might sometimes gounnoticed.

On top of that, Martha’s hunger for affection from both of her parents washardlyeversatisfied.Shewouldapproachtheminbedandtrytosnuggleuptothem,but theywouldsometimescomplainofbodypainandheadaches,askingtheirchildrentoheadtotheirrespectiveroomssothattheycouldgetrest.

Were Martha’s parents bad people? Absolutely not. If anything, they wereexceptionallyhardworking,patient, and lovingparents.But theweightof theirresponsibilitiesmade it difficult for them tomeet every single need that theirchildrenmighthavehad.Thisunfortunatelyincludedthenurturanceandwarmththatyoungchildrencrave.

WhenMartha grew up, she would continue to hunger for affection and care.That’swhywhenshemetCharlie,acharming,witty,intelligent,andhandsomecoworker,shealmostimmediatelyfellinlove.Hewasnearperfectineveryway,andherecognizedherachievements,somethingshehadlongwanted.

Martha would soon find herself in a relationship with Charlie, and his kindwordsandsubtleaffectionmadeher fall in lovedeeperanddeepereveryday.Unfortunately, she would soon learn that Charlie was a narcissist, and hisabusivebehaviorwouldsignificantlydamagehersenseofself-worth.

Butbecausehewouldgiveherpraiseandaffectionongooddays,Marthafounditnearimpossibletoleave.Afterall,thisiswhatshe’dbeenwantingallalong.So,shefelt thatsufferingthroughhisabusewasasmallpricetopaygiventhekindofaffectionandlovehewouldshowwhenevershewasonhisgoodside.

LookingatMartha’ssituation,it’seasytoseethattherewasaproblemwithherinnerchild.Thelongingforlove,acceptance,andattentionthatsheusedtohaveasachild translatedasshegrew intoanadult.Herparents’ inability tosatisfyherlongingforaffectionandwarmthwasfoundinCharlie,soMarthabecameawillingvictimdespiteseeinghistruenature.

Healingtheissuesoftheinnerchildcanhelpmakeyoumuchmoremindfulofthekindof relationshipsyouengage in.Becoming thepersonyour innerchildneedswill prevent you from seeking acceptance and validation fromoutsiderswhomightnotbeabletoprovideitinthehealthiestofways.

Tohealyour innerchild, it’sbest toaskyourself:what specificmemory frommychildhoodinducesafeelingofsadnessorlack?WhatwouldIhavewantedtohearfrommyparentsorcaregiverwhenIwasayoungchild?WhydoIfindtheneedtoseekacceptanceandvaluefrompeopleontheoutside?Whathappenedinmychildhoodthatwouldmakemeactthisway?

Of course, it takes more than just asking a few questions to uncover theproblems of your inner child. In fact, the process of healing your inner childmightbea long,gruelingprocessallon itsown.Formostpeople,discoveringtheproblemsoftheirchildhoodselfcanrequiremonthsorevenyearsofdigginganddeciphering, especiallybecauseourmemories tend tobeclouded, andourinterpretationofcertaineventsmightbeaskew.

Butwhenyoudodiscoveryourinnerchild,whatyouneedtodoisprovidehimor her the love and affection that he or shemight have craved. Nurture yourinnerchildandlearntosatisfytheirneedsbylovingyourselfasyouarenow.

Themore you’re able to satisfy the needs of your inner child, the less likelyyou’lllookforanythingoranyonetodoitforyou.Thisshouldpavethewayforamoreconfident,self-reliantdispositionthatallowsfriendships togrowwheretheydoinsteadoftryingtoforcethemtoflourishoutofneed.

EnjoyYourOwnCompany

All too often, we find ourselves feeling uncomfortable and awkward beingalone.That’swhyweendupforcingrelationshipsandsqueezingourselvesintocliques in order to simply not be alone. But this longing to be a part ofsomething in fear of being by yourself can spark the beginning of narcissisticabuse.Wantingtobeapartofsomethingmakesuspronetothe‘usversusthem’ideology,sincethatwouldapparentlymakeusapartofsomethingelite.

Learning to enjoy your own company will teach you to rely on yourself forconfidence, happiness, and comfort. Being on your own teaches you that youdon’tneedanyone to be contentwithwhat youhave andwhere you are.Andfinally, it teachesyou thatyoudon’tneed to forceyourself into friendshipsorrelationshipsthatmightnotbebestforyou.

Once you discover what you truly enjoy by spending time with yourself, itbecomeseasiertoseethethingsthatyoudon’tneed.So,ifandwhenanarcissistdoesapproachyou,you’llbeabletopickupontheirtacticsandseethatit’snotsomethingthatparticularlysatisfiesanythinginyou.Youcanvalidateyourself,youcancomplimentyourself,andyoucanmakeyourselffeelimportant,soyouwon’tfallfortheirmanipulationanddirtytactics.

SetBoundaries

Learningtosaynoisapowerful,beautifulthing.Itshowcasesyourself-esteem,protects you from abuse, and gives you autonomy over your own being.Narcissists often prey on people who can’t say no. Individuals who have noconfidence in themselves, who constantly need approval, who want to pleaseothers.Thesearepeoplewhowillsayyestoanythingevenifitputstheminaninconvenientsituation.

Puttingboundarieswillshowpeoplethatyouvalueyourselfandthatyou’renoteasilyswayedintodecisionsthatdon’tbenefityou.Sayingnoprotectsyoufrompotentialnarcissistswhomaywanttotakeadvantageofyoutosatisfytheirowngreedyneeds.Sayingnoempowersyouandmakesyoufeelmoreincontrolof

yourself.

Learntosayno.Youdon’t live topleaseothers.Youlive tocareforyourself.Setboundariestoprotectyourmentalandemotionalwellbeing.Anyonewhoisput off by your preference for personal spacemight not be interested in yourwellbeing and might simply feel inconvenienced that you can’t be takenadvantageof.

SpecialSituations-CanIStay?

Thereare somecaseswhenanarcissistic abuser can’t simplybewalkedawayfrom. These are the times when you might be particularly bound to the narceitherbybloodorbycovenant.Toputthingsintoperspective,it’seasiertowalkawayfromanarcissisticbossthanitistowalkawayfromanarcissistichusband.

Manytimes,peoplewhoareinvestedinarelationshipwithanarcissistmightaskwhetherit’spossibletostay.Ofcourse,thisisaveryreasonablequestiontoask,butthere’sfarmoretoitthansimplyconsideringtheweightoftherelationshipyoushare.

TheNarcissisticSpouse

SamanthaandElonweremarriedfornearly10years.Theyhave3youngkidsand share all their assets, from their cars, to their home, and even the smallbusinessthattheymanagedtoputuptogether.Theirmarriagehasbeenanythingbut perfect, but theymanage to get by. For themost part, the person keepingtheirfinanceswell-fundedisSam,themainbreadwinnerintheirfamilyunit.

ElonwoulddescribeSamas somethingof a control freak.Being theonewhowasmoreaggressivewhenitcametowork,SamanthademandedthatElonstayhome to take care of the children. She said that it would be better for theirfinancial future if shewere theoneworking, since she couldmanage tomakemore.

Atthetime,Elonthoughtitwasapracticalidea.Theypromisedeachotherthathe would resume work once the children were all in elementary school. Butwhen that time came, Sam was unhappy with Elon’s suggestion to return towork.

She questioned his sanity and asked him if he considered the reality. He hadbeenoutofworkfornearly6years,soSamsaid itwouldbe toughforhimtofind a place in the workforce, especially with younger, competitive fresh-graduatesfloodingintotheemploymentscene.

Thisbecametherootofachainofargumentsdowntheline.ElonfeltthatSam

was being too controlling, and that she had been sidelining him since he leftworktosuppresshimandmakehimtakethebackseatasshesteeredtheirfamilyinto whatever direction she wanted to. Elon would often feel defeated,emasculated,andworthless.Hehad losthissenseofself-worth throughout theyearsofbeingcoopedupintheirhome,caringforchildren.Andnowwhenhefinallyhadthechancetoestablishacareerandfulfillhislongingforpurpose,hiswifehadsnuffedouthishopes.

Samantha forced Elon to stay home even after the children were all inelementaryschoolandtoldhimitwouldbebetterifhesimplytriedtomanageand grow the small family laundry shop that they put up. But even the smalltasksofmanagingtheirbusinesswerestrictlyoverseenbyhiswifewhowouldgetmadathimandinsulthimformakingminorerrors.

Notwantingtocontinuehislifethisway,Elonassertedhimselfandsoughtajobagainsthiswife’swill.Ofcourse,theyarguedaboutitforawhile,butafterheinsisted,Samantha simply toldhim todowhathewanted to andproceeded toignorehimfortherestofthemonth.

Unfortunately, Elon’s lack of confidence and damaged self-esteem made itdifficult forhim to reallywowany interviewersduringhishunt fora job.Thefact that he had been jobless for a while also made it a challenge to find anemployerthatwaswillingtotakeariskwitharustyhire.

Asexpected,cominghomefromrejectionafterrejectionfurtherdamagedElon’sconfidence.Hestartedtobelievethathiswifewasright,andthathishopesforestablishingacareerat thispoint inhis lifewouldbefutile.Despitehisdefeatand borderline depression however, his wife would continue to berate him,telling him that hewas an idiot for even trying to go his ownway instead ofbelievingwhatshehadtosay.

Afterafewnightsofrumination,Elonrealizedthatithadbeenyearsbeforehetrulyfelthappyinhismarriage.Hiscontrollingwifehadsnuffedouthisdreams,and now he was reduced to a house husband with no apparent purpose. Hewantedmoreoutofhislife,andhefeltthathiswifewasjusttoocontrollinganddomineering to let that happen. But for what reason? He was only trying tobetterhimself.

All things considered, shouldElonwalk awayand leavehismarriage?This iswhen the debate begins. Some peoplewould assert thatmarriage should be aonetime thing, soElon should suck it up and tryhisbest to resolve the issues

he’s experiencing with his wife. Then there are others that would say Elonshouldwalkawayandexercisehistalentsbecausehiswifeisobviouslystiflinghispotential.

Whiletherearepointsonbothends,it’simportanttoweightheprosandcons.These two people share all their assets and have 3 children between them.Separating nowwouldmean having to divide their possessions and propertiesanddecidinghow to spend timewith thechildren so they’renot asnegativelyaffectedbythedivorce.

On top of that, there’s the divorce process. Separating from your spouse canbecomeamessycourtbattle,andoften,narcissistswillrefusetoletyouoffeasy.They’llexerciseeverytacticandgoasfarasexhaustalltheirfinancesinordertohityouwhereithurts.

Then, there’s the issue of Elon’smental and emotional health. Theman feelsdepressed and is looking for a way to become a more functional unit of hisfamily,aswellasofsociety.Hislongingforpurposeisingrainedinourpsycheand is a normal response to our journey towards self-actualization.Unfortunately,hiswifeseemstowanttotakecontrolofhimfortherestofhislife,preventinghimfromexercisingthelimitsofhistalentsandcapabilitiesalltosaythatshewasincontrol.

All things considered, we need to put the husband’s emotional and mentalwellbeingabovepracticality.Childrenhavebeenknowntothrivewellevenwith

separatedparents,andlegalbattlesdocometoanend.IfEloncanfindasupportgroup,aplacetostay,andasituationwherehecangethisbearingstostartoverandbecomethepersonhewantstobe,thenoptingforadivorceispossible.

But is itpossible tocontinue livingwith thenarcissistwhilestillbeingable toexercisehistalents?Elonwasabletoforcehiswaytoaninterviewortwobeforeevenwhenhiswifesaidno,soit’sdefinitelyapossibility.It’simportanttokeepin mind however that the struggle might be a little more aggressive with thenarcissistaround.

Firstly,itmightbeimpossibletogetthemtoagreetoanythingthatyoudo.So,ifyoudo landa jobor finda suitablevocation, theywill continue toberateyouand bring you down because it’s not what they instructed you to do.What’smore,yourrelationshipmightbecomeevenmorehostile,puttingmorepressureonyouremotionalandmentalhealth.

Secondly,tryingtogrowandthrivewithyourabuserinthepicturemightbefarmore difficult. With their mechanisms in place and not being torn apart, thethingstheysayanddomaystillhaveamonumentaleffectonyourmentalityandpsyche. So, it really depends how much esteem and confidence you have inyourself.

TheNarcissisticParent

Another type of narc that might be hard to distance yourself from is thenarcissisticparent.Unlikeanarcpartner,theseindividualsarewithyoufromthemoment you’re born, making their effect on you far deeper and damaging.Narcissistic parents breed their children to be instruments in their charade, sothey’retrainedtorespondtopositivereinforcementwhichcomesintheformofconditionallove.

Unfortunately, a narc parent’s affection will often be short lived. Essentially,affectionandaffirmationareusedas tools towhip thechild into shapeand tomake themacthow theparentwants them to.When thechildbehavesagainsttheparent’sdesires,theyareshamedanddisowned.

This cycle of approval and disapproval makes the child strive for greatness.Disapprovalispainfulandtiring,sochildrenmakesurethattheydoeverythingtheycan towinover theirparents’ love,which isunfortunatelysuperficialandinstrumental.

Intoadulthood, thenarcissisticparentmightbecomeevenmorecontrolling, asopposed to thenaturalpracticeofwell-adjustedparents to let theirchildrengoandexplorelifeontheirown.Thereasonfornarcparentstighteningtheirdeathgriparoundtheirchildren’sneckslaterintoadulthoodisthefactthatatthisage,theirchildrenmightstarttodeveloptheirownthoughtsandideas.

Adultsaremorelikelytoseethefaultybehaviorsoftheirparentsbecausetheyhaveawiderviewoftheworld,ofmorals,andofrightandwrong.So,theystartto question their parents’ actions andmotivesmore readily. By coming downharderonthem,themechanismsthatwereinstilledintheirchildhoodareforcedinto motion and the adult child is made to behave according to the parents’desiresoncemore.

Unfortunately, narcissistic parents have no problems destroying marriages fortheir children, steering their careers, and making decisions for their familiesbecause they feel that these are things they’re supposed todo.Theyown theirchildrenand feel responsible formakingsure their livesgo theway theywant

themto.

Asanadult,havingaparentthattriestotakethereinsonyourlifemightstifleyour potential. Narcissistic parents have also been known to cause turmoil intheir children’s marriages, since they often don’t like the partners that theirchildrenchoose,makingthemouttobe‘others’.

So,isitrighttoleavebehindanarcissisticparent?Beforeyoubuyintotheideathat ‘you’ll only ever have one mother/father’, you need to weigh theconsequences of keeping your narcissistic parent in your life. For one, theirpresence may prevent you from taking control of your own path. They willdecide foryouandshameyou forchoosingotherwise.They’ll continue touseyourdesire foryourparents’ recognitionandaffection topromptyou tomakedecisionsthatpleasethem.

Marriageandfamilylifearealsoparticularlyaffectedwhenthere’sanarcissisticparentinthepicture.Theirdesiretocontrolyouwillgenerateanimositybetweenyou and your spouse and may even prevent you from developing your ownparentingstyleasyouadaptwhatyourparentstellyoutodo.

Finally,anarcissisticparentwilleatawayyouridentity.Everythingyoudowillbethefruitoftheirdecisions,theirchoices,theirdemands,andtheirpreferencesforyouinsteadofwhatyouwanttodoforyourselfandyourfamily.

All things considered, it’s probably best to leave a narcissistic parent behind.Willitbetough?Absolutely.Livingyourentirelifetryingtopleaseandsatisfythispersonwillmakeitexceptionallydifficulttowalkawaybecausedoingwhattheywantyoutodowillhavebeenallyouknowtodo.Plus,walkingawayfromsomeone so deeply intertwined in your lifemightmean having towalk awayfromeveryotherpersoninyourfamilyaswell.

Inmanycases,narcissisticparentswilldestroyyourimagetoyoursiblingsandtellthemtostayawayfromyouforbeingdisobedient.You’llbeproppedupasthe image of an ungrateful child, and your siblings will be taught to avoidbecoming like you if theywant to stay in your parents’ good graces. So, youshouldexpecttobecompletelyalienatedfromthefamilythatyougrewupwith.

Whathappensifyoustay?Ifyou’regrownenoughandyoucanmanagetomoveout,youmightwanttoconsiderfindingaplaceofyourownandmovingawayfromyourparents.Havingyourownspacetocallyourown,whereyoumaketherulescanbemuchhealthier since itputs somedistancebetweenyouandyour

parents.Andfortunately,movingoutisn’tsomethingtheycantrulycrucifyyouforsinceit’sthenaturalorderofthings.

Sure, thenarcissisticparentwill stillhave some things to say.Buthaving thatkind of physical space from themwhere they can’t control every singlemoveyoumakecangiveyoujustenoughwhitespacetoconstructyourownthoughtsandestablishyourownself.

For minors who aren’t quite yet ready to move away from home, the bestsolution would be to maintain mindfulness. Now that you know the kind ofperson your parent is, being aware of all the things they do and the possiblereasons for themwillhelpmake it easier foryou tokeepyourcool andavoidconfrontation.

Whilethetemptationtoleavemightbestrong,rememberthatlifewithoutfamilysupportcanbetough.Becauseyournarcparentmightenactasmearcampaignagainst youmeans youmight not have anyone to run to when you decide toleave.Instead,keepalevelhead,tellthemwhattheywanttohear,butmaintainyour awareness of their manipulation to shield yourself from the potentialdamagethattheirbehaviormightcause.

ForgedinFire

Theysaythemoredifficultachallengeis,thestrongeryouarewhenyoucomeout of it. It’s true, dealing with a narcissist might seem like a never-endingnightmare, from the abuse, to the emotional turmoil, to themental stress, andevenrightdowntothehealing.Beingwithanarcissistisatiringexperienceonalllevels.

Butwhatyou’llsoonrealizewhenyoufinallywalkawayisthatallthoseyearsyou’ve spent in hardshipwill not go unrewarded. Being your own savior andworkingonyourself,you’llbebetterequippedtofacethefutureasyoudevelopabettersenseofyourownworth.

Relationshipswith narcissists can comewith a silver lining in that they teachyou understanding, empathy, and social graces on awhole different level. Asyougraduatefromtheabuse,you’llfindthatyou’remuchbetterpreparedtofacetheworldwithacleareroutlookandamaturesetofspectaclesthatseethetruthineverysituationandinteraction.

APleasantSurprise

Perhapsfromthemomentyourealizedthatyouwerewithanarcissist,thefirstthing on your mind was how unlucky you were to have fallen into such anintricatetrap.Youmighthavechosentoblameyourself,toaskwhyyoudidn’tacknowledge the signs when you first saw them, to beat yourself up overallowingsuchapotentpaintotakeoveryourlife.

No doubt, it does feel like the opposite of winning the lottery to become themain squeeze for a psychopathic narcissist. But as you continue to grow andlearn,you’llsoonseethatperhapstheirshortroleinyourlifewasforthebest.

When you first entered a relationship with your abuser, whether it was forfriendship,forromanticpartnership,orforanyotherreason,it’slikelythatyouweren’t fullyawareofwhoyouwere.Youwere trying tofulfillaspecialneed

thatyoulongedfor,perhapsstemmingfromyourchildhood.So,anyandeverychoiceyoumadewasgeared towards fillingupahole thatyou sodesperatelywantedtosatisfy.

As the abuse proceeds, you start to see how this other person isn’t properlyfilling in the gaps in your heart. You’re starting to see how they don’t fullyunderstandyou,andthatinaway,theyprobablydon’tfullyloveyoutobeabletogenuinelymeetyouremotionalvoid.So,youmusterallyourstrengthandyouwalkaway.

At thebeginningof the separation, thepainandguiltmightbeoverwhelming.Oftentimes,you’llfindyourselfquestioningyourdecisionsandtryingtofigureoutwhether you’vedone the right thingbecause thiswas a personyou loved.But then it hits you: all your decisions and choicesweremadewith their bestinterestinmindbecauseyouwantednothingshortofthebestforthem.Becauseyoulovedthem.Iftheylovedyou,shouldn’ttheyhavebeendoingthesame?

If thispersontrulylovedyouthewaythat theysaidtheydid, thenitwouldbeimpossibleforthemtotreatyousopoorly.Now,youseehowtheiractionsandtheirwordsweren’tinsync,andhowtheirbehaviorwasanobvioussignoftheirulterior motives. They were interested in acquiring the best treatment forthemselvesbecausetheyfeltentitledtothebestthatothershadtogive.Buttheycouldn’t be bothered to act the same way because they never thought youdeserveditinthefirstplace.

Asyoucontinuetogrowandthriveaftertheencounter,you’lllearnthatnooneoutsideofyourselfwillbeabletoprovideyouthekindofloveandaffectionthatyouneeddeepdown inside.Noonewillbeable to fill in thegaps.Noone isresponsible for making you feel comfortable, content, and happy, no one butyourself. So now, you start towork on your self-esteem and confidence.Yougiveyourselfthelovethatyouwereexpectingfromotherpeople.Youlearntovalue yourself and create boundaries so that you receive everything that youdeserveandnothingless.

Apleasantsurpriseyou’lllearnalongthewayisthatyouwereneverincomplete.Youneverneededanyonetomakeyouwhole.Youyourselfareawholehumanbeing and you have everything you need to be safe, secure, and happy all byyourself.

You don’t need anyone tomake you feel important, and you’ll learn that theprivilege of having honest and genuine friends, a faithful and loving romantic

partner,andevenasupportiveandaffectionatefamilyunitarealljustcherriesontopof theexperienceof life.Nothingcanmakeyou feel as full as learning toloveyourselfcompletelyandunconditionally.

Aside fromall that,beingwithanarcissist teachesyou tobemoreempatheticwith the people around you. As narcissists tend to have a severely impairedcapacity toempathize,watchingthemoperatewillmakeiteasierforyoutobemindfulofotherpeople’sfeelings.

Youdon’twanttobelikethisperson,andyoudon’twanttodisregardthewaythatpeoplefeeljusttoaccommodateyourownemotions.So,you’llstrivetoputyourself in other people’s shoes and learn to becomemore tactful so that youneverhad to inflict thesamekindofpainandembarrassment thatyourabuserwaslikelyknownfor.

So,was livingwith thisnarcissistanabsolutenightmare?Ofcourse,noone isdiscreditingthefeelingsthatyoumighthavegonethroughduringtheencounter.Butwasitworthless?

Inmanyways, itprobablywasn’t.Without theexperience,you’dbe thesame,broken, hungry person you oncewere, unaware of your own capacity to loveyourself,andstillsearchingforsomeonetofillthegapsforyou.Wecanassumethatmaybe,onewayoranother, that intense longingforsomeone tomakeyouhappywouldprobablyhavepushedyouintothearmsofanarcissistsomewheredown the line.So, learningearlieronandbeingable towalkawayas soonasyoudidputsyouatanadvantage.

Now, you can truly enjoy life as your own best friend, and you can feelconfidentknowing thatyoudon’tneedanyone tovalidateyouor tomakeyoufeelvaluable.

Youareyourmost important investmentsobesure tocare foryourselfbeforeyouconsiderthefeelingsofothersorthepracticalityofstaying.Inmostcases,apeacefulcoexistencewithanarcissistwillbeimpossible,soinsteadoftryingtobeunifiedwithyourabuser,focusonyourselfandlearntoprioritizeyourownmentalandemotionalwellbeing.

It’s hard to leave, that’s true. But once you decide to make the change foryourself, and once you see the importance of putting your own health aboveeverythingelse,everythingelsewillfallintoplace.

Conclusion

“Healingmaynotbesomuchaboutgettingbetterasaboutlettinggoofeverythingthatisn’tyou-alloftheexpectations,allofthebeliefs-and

becomingwhoyouare.”

-RachelNaomiRemen

Narcissists.Theytakeyou,chewyouup,andspityouout,butonceyougetthedirtoutofyoureyes,everythingbecomesclearer.Theseindividualsmightnotbethe best to have around, and they can inflict serious damage on you and yourmentalwellbeingbuthelpingyourselfthroughrecoverycanuncovernewlayersofyourpersonthatyouneverknewexisted.

Whilemanyare fortunateenough to live lifewithouthaving togo through theabuseofanarcissist,thosewhodohaveauniqueopportunityforlearning.Notalotofpeopleareabletoachievethelevelofmaturitythatvictimsofnarcissisticabusedo,soyoumightsaythatyouarefortunateinyourownright.

Survivingnarcissisticabuseissomethingyoushouldbeproudof.Noteveryonecan see it through, and not everyone has the resilience to defeat that kind ofbattle.Butthesimplefactthatyou’rehereandyou’retryingmeansthatyoudohavewhatittakestohealandrecoverfromthepain.

Now, it’s time to heal. Itmight have taken you awhile, but you’re here andyou’reonyourwaytoafuller,happierlife,awayfromtheabuse.So,takeadeepbreath,smile,andgiveyourselfapatontheback.Itdefinitelywasn’teasy.

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