Lonely Tour Stop Three: Dive Bar.Now that you’ve got your new tat—and I hope it was something way old-school and depress-ing, like MOM or an anchor—it’s time to rustle up a classic dive bar. Not a joint filled with at-tractive members of the opposite sex. Instead, you want a dark place with character, and if they’ll serve you a shrimp cocktail, all the bet-ter. Art’s Bar and Grill in Riverside is a nice place to have dinner, but it’s also a dark little dive, too, a great place to sip a scotch and soda as you ponder why you’re so terribly alone on this romantic night. Also try the Y-Not Tavern in Perris, Babe’s Sports Pub in Norco, and the Club El Paraiso—far from paradise, perfect for your lonely night.Art’s Bar and Grill, 3357 University Ave., Riv-erside, (951) 683-9520; Y-Not Tavern, 41 South D St., Perris, (951) 657-4033; Babe’s Sport Pub, 1180 6th St., Norco, (951) 736-6608; Club El Paraiso, 401 Iowa Ave., Riverside, (951) 784-2615. (By Bill Gerdes)

Lonely Tour Stop Four: Porn Shop.You’re drunk. It’s late. You’re tired. You should go home, but there’s one stop left on your tour of sadness and despair—the porn shop, of course, and if you’re lucky, you’ll find one that’s open all night. Walk around. Soak in the atmosphere. Try not to be frightened of the gi-ant latex fist on the wall. Next year, if you actu-ally have a Valentine’s date, you’ll look back on this night and say, “What the hell was I think-ing?”Le Sex Shop, 3945 Market St., Riverside, (951) 788-5194.

EMPIREFEBRUARY 8 - FEBRUARY 14, 2007 1�

Only the LonelyDoing Valentine’s Day soloBy Bill Gerdes

Valentine’s Day can be amazing if you’re a young couple in love, a married couple cele-brating and spending time with the kids, or an older couple looking back on their lives togeth-er. There’s a cornucopia of romantic pleasures to indulge in—candlelight dinners, nighttime walks on the beach, even random sex in a bal-loon (for that skinny, flip to page 11).

Unless, of course, you’re alone. Terrifyingly, desperately, chillingly alone—waiting-for-the-phone-to-ring alone, why-won’t-she-return-my-e-mail alone, no-visitors-to-my-MySpace alone.

That’s when Valentine’s Day blows. But there are a few tactics that can make the holi-day go down much more smoothly. First, you have to realize that you’re not alone in the grander scheme of things—everyone has been alone on Valentine’s Day at least once. Next, you’ll have to get off the couch, put down the half-empty bottle of gin, and pull yourself to-gether. You can still do stuff on February 14, so why not embrace your misery and have the kind of holiday Charles Bukowski or Henry Miller might have written about? Your trip down Lonely Avenue may not be much fun, but it should at least be memorable.

Lonely Tour Stop One: Bowling.On your Lonely Tour, bowling probably isn’t the most depraved pit stop, but it just may be the saddest. What could be more pathetic on Valentine’s Night than bowling alone? Maybe eating at a nice restaurant by yourself with a suit or an evening gown on, hoping to hook up with any stray, unattached member of some dining party. Still, bowling is up there. Even if you bring a wingman, you’ll be looked down upon by anyone within 500 yards of your lane. For extra fun, scream the name of an ex every time you get a strike, then gently weep into your pint of Bud.Arlington Lanes, 7100 Arlington Ave., Riverside, (951) 688-2695; Brunswick Recreation Center, 1800 Hamner Ave., Norco, (951) 734-8410.

Lonely Tour Stop Two: Tattoo Parlor.Okay, so you went bowling—now it’s time to head over to your local tattoo parlor and get some ink to celebrate what’s clearly going to be one of the worst nights of your life. We rec-ommend Six Feet Under in Upland, which fea-tures great artists like Corey Miller and Henry Powell, as well as a shop hand named Chip who bears an uncanny likeness to the Gimp from Pulp Fiction. Also worth checking out is Heartbreak Tattoo, not just for the name and the work they do, but also the location—River-side’s University Avenue is perhaps the least romantic street in the IE, and thus, for tonight, absolutely perfect.Six Feet Under Tattoo Parlor, 116 N. 2nd Ave., Upland, (909) 949-0157, www.sixfeetunder.com; Heartbreak Tattoo, 2259 University Ave., River-side, (951) 785-8288.

SEXY DVDTHE MAXWELL MULTIPLE CLIMAX!Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Brandon Maxwell has the gift that keeps on giving. Literally. And like posh lingerie or a big screen TV, his DVD on the male multiple orgasm will delight both giver and receiver. The secret is to keep the roller coaster ride going longer that the first big buildup and drop. By pulling back right at the brink—along with some tactical clenching—the thrills can keep on to the break-a-break of dawn, a bonus this average-Joe-turned-goof-ball-guru underlines by frolicking with a garden hose and four nymphs in bikinis.Maxwell is a square-jawed caricature of virility (think Bruce Campbell in khakis), with the cocky smirk of a Viagra or Rogaine commercial. And as God’s gift to men and women, he punches up his saucy schoolbook lesson with frenetic splices of cartoons with johnsons as long as Dodger Dogs, fire extin-guishers, showering women (soft-core) and chicks decimating watermelons with ma-chine guns (hard-core, if you’re Gallagher). My boyfriend was cock-blocking his future physical fulfillment (he’s a vegan, so pro-duce gets him randy), but Maxwell advises that his technique takes a month to master anyway. Which means this hot-blooded how-to won’t do much for your Valentine’s, but by Easter, you’ll have eternal resurrection. (Amy Nicholson)Available at www.climaxwell.com

Volume 1, Issue 44 • February 8 - February 14, 2007 • www.IEWEEKLY.com • Every Thursday

operation phoenix still stinks • rialto to punks: go away • los lobos george’s drive in • stumbling towards paradise