nvc xpdays kopie · blame, insults, put-downs, comparisons and (often) diagnoses. demands that...
TRANSCRIPT
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Nonviolent Communication
!A rather violent Introduction
!! !!
Sebastian Schürmann@d_trainings / [email protected]
dissident-trainings.de
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about.me
• Started with XP in 2005
• more Coding github.com/sebs
• Freelance Developer, Trainer and Coach in all things XP Practices dissident-trainings.de
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XP Values
SimplicityCommunication
FeedbackRespectCourage
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I got 99 problems
and communication is one
Business people and developers must work …
Build projects around motivated individuals …
…. technical excellence … Working software is the primary measure of progress
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Triggerw
arning
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NVC
WTF?
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• communication and conflict resolution process
• „spiritual“ practice
• set of values
• parenting technique
• world viewWTF
NVC is a ..
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Communication process that is likely
to inspire empathy
WTF
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“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Stephen R. Covey
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“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Stephen R. Covey
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Why are we not listening?
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Moralistic Judgments blame, insults, put-downs, comparisons and (often)
diagnoses
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Demands that imply blame and punishment
if you fail to comply
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Denial of responsibility„I had to“
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Comparisons
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The premise of „I deserve that“ …
talent, fate etc.
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Overview
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Conflicts = =
Miscommunication
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about Human Needs
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with coercion and manipulation
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Guilt, fear and shame divert attention
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3 aspects ofNVC
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EmpathyListening to others
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Self-EmpathyStarts with self awareness
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Honest Self-Expression
Authenticity
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The Idea-not so tree
hug-ish anymore!
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Everyone has the capacity for compassion!
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We resort to violence when we do not recognize a more effective strategy
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Violence is learned through culture
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WTF
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All behavior stems from attempts to meet
universal human needs
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Restorative partnership vs.
Retributive, fear based domination
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Some basic assumptions of NVC
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1. All Humans share the same basic needs
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2. The World has sufficient resources to
fulfill those needs
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3. All actions are attempts to meet needs
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4. Feelings point to needs met or unmet
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5. Everyone has the capacity for compassion
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6. We enjoy giving
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7. Human beings meet needs through
interdependent relationships
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8. Human beings change
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9. Choice is internal
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10. The most direct path to peace is through self-
connection
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Model
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Model
1. Observations
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Model
1. Observations
2. Feelings
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Model
1. Observations
2. Feelings
3. Needs
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Model
1. Observations
2. Feelings
3. Needs
4. Honest Request
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Example: You are the Teamlead.
Someone in fucks up the build! (repeatedly)
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4 Choices!
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His Fault!
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My Fault!
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How do I feel about it? What are my needs that are not
addressed in this situation?
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What did/does he/she possibly feel in the situation?
What are her needs?
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Lets go through the whole process!
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What did we observe?
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Feelings
afraid
enraged
furiousincenseddistracted
tendercurious
warm
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Needs Acceptance
BelongingCooperation
Creativity
Beauty
Intimacy
SafetyHumor
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The Question is: What is the Question?
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NVC Process
Observation Feeling
Request Need
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Conclusions
• Separate Observations from Judgements
• Do you feel it? • What do you really need? • Ask honestly (but ask)
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ApplicationsIRL examples and experiments
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NVC CanvasModeration tool
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NVC Retrospective
• Q1: What did you observe?
• Q2: How did you feel?
• Q3: What are your needs?
• Q4: What do you want?
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Prepare a performance appraisal
• Ask the 4 question for you and your boss/employee
• Have your notes and have lots of conversation material
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When ever you feel someone is „wrong“!