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October 2015 Family Connections Christian

Adoptions E-Heartbeat

GOD GAVE US TWO If we could sum up our adoption story in one word we would say that it was “unbelievable”. Our journey to adopting Sawyer and Lucas has such a beautiful ending, but the beginning and middle of our story was downright ugly and heartbreaking. Our adoption story went nothing like we thought it would. It seemed like everything that could go wrong went wrong, but in the end it was completely worth it. God showed us that He had bigger plans for our family that we could’ve ever imagined.

We were matched with Birth Mom #1 practically immediately after our home study was completed. We were ecstatic and couldn’t believe that we had been chosen so quick-ly. We spent the next 2 months building a relationship with her, taking her to doctor appointments, and supporting her in anyway we could. We were ‘cautiously optimistic’ as the weeks passed by and we waited for baby ‘Elijah’ to be born. As soon as Birth Mom went into labor she started to waver on her adoption plan for him. The day after Elijah was born Birth Mom decided she wanted to keep him. We couldn’t believe this had happened. We were hurt, confused, sad, and angry.

We were back to waiting. Waiting for the child that God had picked for us to be parents to. A little less than 3 months later we were informed that a 1 day old baby boy was available through the foster care system. We decided that we wanted to be considered amongst all the other families that wanted to take placement of this child. Later that day we got the news that we had been chosen to take placement of this baby boy and that we would be bringing him home from the hospital. We were beyond excited, but also very nervous because we know the risks that come with foster care.

We fell in love with Sawyer immediately. It was impossible not to. He was everything we had been waiting for. He made us parents and was everything we ever wanted. We spent an amazing 31 days with Sawyer before Department of Social Services (DSS) took him away

 

Ronald & Melissa Sequeira with sons Lucas & Sawyer

 

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from us through no fault of our own. They made a huge mistake, and our hearts paid the price. Sawyer has a half sister in Sacramento that was in the process of being adopted. That family should’ve had been informed that Sawyer was born and asked if they wanted Sawyer, but DSS didn’t do this. When the family in Sacramento found out that Sawyer had been born, they wanted him. We begged them not to take him from us. We told them how much we loved him, that we couldn’t conceive on our own, and about what had happened with Birth Mom #1. They didn’t care and they took him anyway. By law they had every right to have him. We said, “goodbye” to Sawyer and absolutely fell apart. Our last words to him were, “Be a bad boy so you can come back to us.

We love you.” We had never felt so broken.

Both relinquishment and fos-adopt had failed us. We didn’t know what we were supposed to do next. DSS ‘tried’ to make it up to us by continuing to try and place other children with us. But none of these potential children ever felt right to us. Maybe it was still to soon or maybe we just weren’t meant to be parents to those children. Deep down we knew the only thing that was going to heal our hearts was to have another baby in the house. A couple weeks after we lost Sawyer we were matched with Birth Mom #2, but soon after was unmatched because of one red flag after another. We were relieved. That match just didn’t feel right. A few days after our un-matching from Birth Mom #2, we found out about Birth Mom #3 who would be picking a family soon. We were so confused, and didn’t know if we should go for it or not. We prayed and prayed, and finally decided to go for it. Birth Mom #3 picked us. She was having a boy. We felt indifferent. All of our previous experiences had hardened us. A moment that should’ve been a joyous one, was not. As the weeks passed by, our hearts started to soften. We had a glimmer of hope that it might actually work out this time. Birth Mom #3 would be meeting us for the first time at the hospital on the day she was to be induced. And she wanted Melissa to be in the room for the delivery. Landon was born and Melissa was the first to hold him. We spent 2 wonderful days with Landon at the hospital before Birth Mom #3 changed her mind. It seemed like we were so close and then it was all taken away within the blink of an eye. We were forced to say goodbye to another baby and we left the hospital empty handed.

Sawyer in his first month of life.

 

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We were devastated. We didn’t know how we would recover from another loss. We didn’t understand why adoption is so easy for some families, but so hard for ours. We had no hope anymore. Little did we know that God was working in our lives. He hadn’t forgotten about us, even though it felt like it. The day after we had to leave Landon behind, we learned about Birth Mom #4. She had just delivered a baby boy and would be picking a family the following day. We said, “yes we want our profile to be shown to her” without even thinking about it. To our surprise she picked us and less than 24 hours

later we brought Lucas home. This time around it seemed so easy. We met Birth Mom and Birth Dad and fell in love with them. Lucas was 5 weeks old when we received a call from our social worker that we thought we would never receive. She said, “Sawyer was available again. Did we want to take placement of him?” We had less than 24 hours to make our decision. After much prayer about what was best for our family we decided that Sawyer would be coming back home. He had such a special place in our hearts and we truly felt he belonged with us. Now that Sawyer and Lucas are both officially adopted, sometimes it’s hard to believe that they are actually ours. We have been blessed immensely. Our adoption journey brought us more pain than we ever thought we could endure, but in the end it has brought us so much happiness. Sawyer and Lucas are amazing little boys and we have no doubt in our minds that these were the children we had been waiting for all along. *For the unabridged version of our story visit http://www.weopttoadopt.blogspot.com

Lucas & Sawyer enjoy a good laugh together!

 

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The Importance of Becoming a Conservator By Joanne Green Many of our children deal with considerable challenges. Some may, in fact, never reach a point in their development when they can make an informed decision. Such is my daughter, Jessica. So, what happens when our developmentally delayed children reach the age of maturity? Simply put, they are treated as adults. For most, that is fine and good. For some, extra protection will be needed. It will be necessary to go to court and have a legal conservator appointed. Nobody is going to inform you of this need, not Special Education or the IPP process. If a conservator does not volunteer, the Regional Center often steps up as the conservator and will then make all your child's decisions. This will include where your child will live, how your child's finances are handled, and your child's medical decisions. You, the parent will simply become the parent of an adult child. In other words; you will not be in a position to make decisions in the best interest of your child. We were so warned when Jessica turned 18, so when she was 19, my husband and I became Jessica's conservators. We filed legal forms, went through an abbreviated home study (nothing near like the home study we went through to adopt), went to court, and became her conservators. Thank goodness we did that. It most likely saved her life. In April of 2012, Jessica became sick. Two weeks later, the diagnosis confined our worst fear - cancer. In fact, she had stage 4 lymphoma. Our nightmare had begun and we were functioning in a daze. An Oncologist was assigned to us by the hospital and we learned that this doctor felt we should let Jessica die because she is developmentally delayed. He would not give her life-saving chemotherapy because he felt she was "better off without it.” He would not allow us to request treatment because we "were not the ones getting sick." I did, however, have the right, on Jessica's behalf, to seek another doctor, so off to Stanford we went. I loaded my arsenal with conservator papers, a letter from Jessica's public defender stating l had the right to approve any treatment, including chemo, and some information I had gathered from others I knew who had had cancer. The Regional Center Clients Rights Advocate did not support me. I wondered what sort of advocacy they would have provided my 21 yr. old daughter. Before we left the first oncologist, Jessica had become a paraplegic (spinal cord injury caused by a tumor) and she weighed just 76 pounds. Who would have spoken for her, if not us? The folks at the Regional Center are caring people, but they change position a lot, and besides there is no one who cares about our daughter as much as we do. Five months and six rounds of chemo after we went to Stanford, Jessica was declared cancer-free. The following September, she was able to walk again. I believe with all my heart that the outcome would have been tragically different if someone else were making decisions for our daughter. Today and forever, we have our daughter's back. And I contend, nobody will ever do that with as much zeal as we do. Is being a conservator a hassle? Yes, in a small way. We speak with a public defender once a year and go to court every other year. In return, we are allowed to help Jessica in every area of her life that is important to her. I consider that a good trade.

 

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WAITING FOR KATHERINE After 14 years of marriage, Jeff and Denise Hughes were beginning to think about all the things they could do when their nest was empty. In his blog, Jeff describes them at that time in their lives, "Two middle aged people with the perfect sized family, one boy and one girl getting ready for high school". Now 14 years and three more children later, they are still not finished talking about adding to their family. What happened to their empty nest plans? "God had other plans," they both laugh.

Instead of continuing their dream of a future filled with care free activities, God spoke to Jeff and Denise and said they would have more children! He even gave names. Against all odds, Denise became pregnant and at age 43, gave birth to Deborah, a healthy baby girl. God had said there would be “children,” so they considered the options and this time they chose adoption. Nine months after they applied, they were on their way to China to pick up fifteen month old Gracie Joy.

Because the plight of abandoned baby girls in China touched their hearts, the Hughes decided there was room for one more and so they applied to adopt from China again, after all, God had not said to stop. They never imagined that it would take nine years to bring their next child home! It had been taking under a year for a referral when they first began, but adoption rules in China were changing. Their first year stretched into another year and then one more...until six years had gone by. Many families dropped out. It was discouraging to continually

update paperwork and redo procedures like medicals and fingerprints. The whole process was disheartening and expensive.

During the years that Jeff and Denise waited for a referral, they were busy parenting, updating their adoption paperwork, and coping with some expensive household crises, including three house floods and a house fire. The crowning blow to their finances came during the downturn in the economy, when Jeff’s job was seriously affected. It was at that time, seven years after they applied, the referral agency let them know they were at the top of the referral list.

Deborah, Katherine on Denise’s lap, 

Gracie Joy & Jeff 

 

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The Hughes sadly told the agency they needed to go on hold because there was no way they could readily come up with the large sum of money needed to finish the process, money that had been previously saved for this adoption years before.

A year later, the Hughes were ready for action, but contrary to their understanding that they would get a referral one month after they came off hold, they were still waiting a half year later. Throughout all the waiting years, Jeff and Denise had both been subject to times when they were so discouraged they wanted to quit, but had the mindset that if God wanted this to happen it

would, His way and in His time. Now it was time to update their home study (again) and Denise was feeling down. She called the referral agency to check the status of their referral. "We aren't even sure if it is going to happen during this calendar year," she was told by the adoption agency.

"That's it. I can't do this anymore," she exclaimed to Jeff and he agreed. So Denise called the agency and told them to take the Hughes off the list. That night the whole family grieved the loss of the baby girl they had spent nine years planning for. After talking until early hours of the morning, Jeff and Denise finally fell asleep, drained of all emotion and energy. At 7am the phone woke Denise out of a restless sleep. It was the social worker at the referral agency. She listened to Denise rant rave for many minutes and then she said, "Denise, you'll never guess what China sent us this morning." Denise could not guess. "The referral of a baby girl for you." They should have been delighted, but Jeff and Denise had a hard time processing this news.

Sisters in China: Deborah holding Katherine, & 

Gracie Joy 

At the airport: Denise with baby Katherine on her back.

 

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To console themselves for their loss, they had thought about all the paperwork they no longer had to do, all the money they would save, all the time they would not spend dealing with bureaucracies. They had just dropped these burdens and now they would be picking them up again. But, as they worked on what was needed and prepared for the trip, their joy began to grow. By the time they and their two youngest daughters boarded

the plane to China, they were in a state of high expectations. These were beautifully fulfilled when they picked up their twenty month old daughter Katherine Therese Hughes. The whole Hughes family agrees, “What a joy and delight this beautiful little girl is to our family. She is worth the wait. We are a blessed family!”

For more details on this story see:

katherinetherese.wordpress.com

  

Katherine Therese Hughes

Sisters!

 

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The first day of school brings smiles to, Danica second grader & 

her brother Kyle, pre‐kindergarten. Their parents Michael &  

Donna Newburn from the Ventura area, shared their excitement! 

The Cypher sisters enjoy a cruise & a summer swim. When they return to school Olivia 

will be a third grader & Carmella will start kindergarten. 

 

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A Girl Named Brave

By: Karen Wood

The following is a true story, with names and descriptive facts changed to protect the confidentiality of the family. It illustrates the power of using Trust Based Parenting and inspires hope.

This is a story about a little girl named Brave. She was five years old when she was placed with her new mom. Brave came from a horrific birth home that was full of physical violence, sexual abuse and severe neglect. She had been separated from her siblings and had been in multiple foster homes. In my 18 years of doing social work, Brave’s behavior was the most extreme trauma based behavior I had ever seen. In the first twenty-four hours, Brave physically attacked her new mom ten times. Within three days, her new mom questioned if she could really continue with this child and asked us to remove her. Brave was aggressive, tantrumed almost constantly, ate constantly, had no self-help skills, and was academically severely delayed. We were questioning if she was severely emotionally disturbed so we began the process at the local school to get her enrolled in the Severely Emotionally Disturbed kindergarten on the first day.

Mom felt like a prisoner in her own home. She had food brought in, but no one could stay in the house and she certainly could not leave. She was trapped with a caged, out of control, wild child, who at times would melt down to tears, suck her thumb, snuggle her blankie and curl up next to Mom craving love and affection. On day seven, while we were looking for a new home for Brave, Mom called us and said, “ I would rather parent an emotionally disturbed child than put her back

in the system and feel responsible for where we all know she will end up.” In the seven days that Mom had had Brave in her home, she saw a signs of hope in those moments when Brave would melt down and allow Mom to comfort her. Mom decided to make a lifelong commitment which would change both their lives forever.

Mom had learned about Trust Based Parenting Intervention just prior to Brave being placed. We had explained to Mom that this was how she needed to parent if she hoped to heal Brave. Mom intellectually understood the concepts and worked diligently to implement them. Of course, she failed at times and would slip into traditional parenting techniques such as yelling and isolating the child, but she was committed

to using TBRI and quickly began to see progress. We worked diligently with her to help keep herself and Brave safe when Brave became aggressive. Mom worked harder than she had ever worked in her life.

Within a week, Brave’s aggressive attacks had subsided and within 30 days the school district ruled she was not severely emotionally disturbed. She was placed in a mainstream kindergarten with a one on one aide. Within 3 months they began to fade out the aide services. By six months, Brave had not only caught up academically, but was at the top of her class! Brave’s neurochemicals had begun to calm and she was able to think and learn. Brave was taught calming techniques by her mom, and practiced over and over how to get through tough situations. Brave developed normal eating habits and began to use self-help skills. She openly expressed love for her mother and told her how much she loved living a safe home. Brave developed friends, played well at school and joined a soccer team.

 

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Brave’s trauma still jumps out occasionally and sometimes she falls apart. She will tantrum and you can see terror in her eyes. But she calms, accepts affection, and then processes with her mom what went wrong. Brave’s bad days now are better than her good days were in the beginning. She is healing and openly talks about this. One day, Brave and her mom took a hike and in Brave’s backpack Mom had secretly placed her pain rocks. These are rocks painted with words the represented the horrific stories of abuse that Brave had shared. Brave began to complain how heavy her pack was and Mom asked her, “Are you read to let go of your pain?” Brave spent the next half hour throwing her pain rocks into the lake yelling, “Jesus take this from me! I don’t want this anymore God!” She screamed, growled, and wept. On the hike back she recognized that her backpack was much lighter and that night she did not have the recurring nightmare, which had been a nightly event.

At the time of writing this true story, it is almost one year since Brave was placed with her mom. Brave still has her struggles, but she knows she is safe and that her mom loves her and will never hurt her. I believe that if TBRI can help Brave, TBRI can help any child. The key to the success of this was Mom, her ability to see Brave’s behavior as a cry for help rather than belligerent defiance, her unwillingness to see Brave as a bad child, and her strong commitment to love her unconditionally. Mom has had to work hard to master new ways to handle difficult behavior. She has learned to celebrate Brave’s small everyday success but when trauma jumps out from behind a tree and grabs Brave, Mom pulls her back, calms her, and snuggles her until she is ready to walk again on the path of success. The transformation of this little girl has been nothing short of a miracle.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope & love. But the greatest of these is love.”1 Corinthians 13:13

 

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  Sacramento Christmas Party Sunday, November 7 from 1 to 3pm. Fun for the whole family! At the office: 1111 Howe Ave. Suite 660 Sacramento, Ca. 95825 San Luis Obispo Open House "Thankful for Families" Thursday, November 19 from 4 to 6pm. Snacks, crafts, and fun!

At the office: 1540 Marsh Street #130 San Luis Obispo, CA 93401 Modesto Christmas Open House

Sunday, December 13, from 2 to 4pm. Refreshments, music, games and crafts! At the office: 1120 Tully Rd. Modest, CA 95350

 

 

Check us out at….

h p://www.fcadop ons.org/