1

2Corplaw CommentariesOxyMorons, Ho! Ho!

Prancing Among theOxymorons,Contranyms &Confusoids1

by Barry J. LipsonPerhaps I meddle, but you deserve a precious metal Medal! It is a wonder that you are able to

practice law at all, let alone communicate, in a land run amok with oxymorons, contranyms andother confusoids, in a land where "the silence is deafening" when help is sought by a seeker seekingto sort between the sense and the nonsense.

No!, I am not saying that we practice among members of the bench and bar who are oxymorons,contranyms or confusoids! I refer solely to the wonderful world of words, my friends, honestly Ido.

I have always liked the word "oxymoron," a word whichaccording to Webster could describe "the results of thecombination of oxygen and stupidity;" or a "man endowed byhis Creator with emasculated bovine feeblemindedness;" or "thecombining of contradictory or incongruous words." Statedotherwise, an "oxymoron" is "the product of an oxygen crazedbovinic moron's combination of words," or, more succinctly,"feebleminded hot air." "Military Intelligence," in popularpunning parlance, is considered to be a prime example of anoxymoron. Another prime example would be "jumbo shrimp."

Donald Chain Black, a wordsmith of the first order, points to the United States Supreme Court's1955 pronouncement of "with all deliberate speed," as "a famous example of the oxymoron." Hewould probably read this phrase to mean "proceed with slow, unhurried and steady swiftness;"while the Supreme Court presumably wrote this to mean "proceed as quickly as careful andthorough consideration permits." Consider also the Supreme Court's "infamous" antitrustformularization of a "not insubstantial" effect on competition (apparently inferring, grammaticallyincorrectly, something less than substantial).

Other oxymorons cited by Black and/or Webster's include "sweetsorrow," "fashionably shabby" and "cruel kindness." And how aboutthe oxymoron-like, seeming non sequitur, "this elevator [escalator orlift] is going down?", which is a nice segue to our next category, the"contranym." (By the way, what is a "sequitur?")

Another type of confusing verbal communication is a "contranym," which, while not defined inmy copy of Webster's, according to Donald Black, in "Spoonerisms, Sycophants, and Sops" (Harper

3& Row, 1988), "is a word with two (or more) contradictory meanings." The King James Version ofthe Bible, for example, on the one hand tells about a man leaving his parents' home to "cleave untohis wife," while elsewhere it cautions that he who "cleaveth wood shall be endangered." Thus, asfirst used, cleaveth means united, while its second usage means "chopped asunder." Other examplesof different usages of a word having opposite meaning would be "moot," which can mean both"deprived of practical significance" (or in other words "non" or no longer debatable), as in a "mootcourt" argument, and "argument" or "discussion" (and so debatable), also as in a "moot court"argument; and "citation," such as in the embarrassing situation where the police officer gave aleading local lawyer a "Citation" for speeding, while he was rushing to receive a "Citation" from theWestern Pennsylvania Chapter of the Federal Bar Association for earning the "Federal Lawyer ofthe Year" award.

Consider also the "Oversight Committee." Is the job of this committee to oversee activities toassure proper performance and outlook; to be a looker on the lookout for errors and oversights; tooverlook improper performance, perhaps while looking at likely lookers; to generate and be lookoutfor the generators of errors and oversights; to look out for and have authority over a "site;" to lookfor and "cite" to two too many "cites;" to issue a superior or superseding "citation," (and if so goodor bad?); to watch the watch to keep wages and costs down; to be an onlooker; to be a looker-on;and/or to act and look like a Big Brother look alike?

Thus, it can be seen in a review of the broad view of this overview of the word "oversight," andfrom the following viewings of other contranym-like words and phrases, that linguistic confusionarises not only from incongruity and contradiction, but from mere differences in meanings conveyedby the same word or phrase.

Does the New York Times print all the news "that's fit to print," or is it that all the news "that fitsit prints;" and does it have a "fit" deciding what both "fits" and is "fit" to print? Does the word "bill"refer to the draft of a law presented to the legislature for enactment; an itemized account of goodssold and services rendered which is presented for payment; a written or printed advertisement; apiece of paper money; a bird's beak; a beaklike projection of land; a hooked weapon; the end of ananchor fluke; affectionately caressing; the name of a person, or something else?

Now, while we will leave it to the Newsroom and the Legislature to report on, report out, andvote on our "Bill to Save the Spoonbills," we will direct our attention to the litigation of our clientBill "Hank" Williams. Mr. Williams had brought suit to recover payment from Wilma Wills onBill's bill for the bill of land he called "Bill's Bill," willed to him by his Uncle Will Williams, whichhe claimed Wilma had willfully bilked him out of, after she had willed him to build a hangar on itfor her hang glider. She based her defense on the assertion that Hank Williams was hitting a foulball, that Bill's bill for Bill's Bill was baseless as deeding her Bill's Bill was Bill's bonus to her forher unbillable services of encouraging him to score and hit home runs in her hangar, where theyoften played ball. Meanwhile, his now erstwhile gal pal, Wilma Wills, also countered with analimony-type palimony suit.

In preparing for Wilma's deposition, Bill felt it was in the bag, that we had it 'all tied up." WhenWilma failed to appear, Bill was unsure as to whether she was "all tied up" by a villain and introuble, "all tied up" in traffic and couldn't get there, or "all tied up in knots" and couldn't functionproperly. After further contemplation, he decided that the one thing that she was really doing was"tying one on."

At the beginning of trial, Wilma noted that her granddad's good luck pocket watch and herdefense were "wound up" and ready to go. During trial, Bill observed that Wilma Wills had thewillies and was all "wound up" and ready to explode. Just when the trial was all but "wound up,"

4Wilma, hanky in hand, haltingly told Hank that she still hankered for hanky-panky with her hunkHank in their hangar after hanging-out and hang gliding. Hopefully, nothing was hanging outafterwards.

They then and there began billing and cooing, their billycocks askew and bell-bottomsbillowing. "Bailiff, belay these baleful brandishments!," in unison they both from their belliesbellicosely bellowed (neither wanting to be the bellwether now). Over the bemoanings of theirbarristers, the case obviously settled, with Bill getting the bills, and Wills getting Bill and Bill's Bill.Bill, an ex-lonely lover, no longer a solo alone, when finally alone (but for me), mused: "Ratherbared souls [soles?] than suits. Unbarred, I now am! No longer 'so low' solo, a sole solo alone. Itingle from sole to soul. Without doubt, I'd rather make love than war."

Later on Bill, after confiding that he had solely looked upon Wilma and himself as a "wellhung" hang gliding team (though he had always hoped for "hangar time" together), admitted thatwhen she "hung a left" off Bill's Bill, he had felt she had "hung him out to dry;" that at times he feltlike an old clothes "hanger" or a festering "hang nail," at other times he felt like "hanging one [ormore] on," and once he even felt like "hanging" himself; that he had not "hung up" on their hanggliding team, but had "hung on" and "hung tough" because as he now realized he had a holistichankering to "hang out" and "hang together" with her again in their old "hangar hangout;" that hedid not want to aimlessly "hang around," "hang off," "hang back," go about "hang dog," or merelybe a "hanger-on;" that he was afraid of both a "hung jury" and a "hanging jury;" that he believed inthe old revolutionary war slogan, we must all "hang" together or we'll all "hang" separately, whichis why he sought legal help; and that this whole experience, except for the billing and cooing, gavehim a serious "hangover."

While the foregoing may be confusing enough, there are many more words and phrases thatlawyers are confused by or confuse with, as demonstrated above by Bill and Wilma that do not fitinto the not so neat categories of oxymoron or contranym, even as expanded here. These, yourstruly, your personal punster, has taken the liberty of classifying under the broad and allencompassing category of "confusoids." As used herein, a "confusoid" is a word, phrase,expression, trade name, trademark and/or the like, having the quality, form or appearance of beingconfusing.

So pack just your "toothbrush" (unless you have more than one tooth, and if so then pack your"toothbrushes" or "teethbrush"), and let us plan to travel plainly, mainly by plane and train, and overthe plain, along America's byways, highways, skyways, parkways, causeways, waterways, andrights of way, from the theater to fast food purveyors, from the back alleys to the seat ofgovernment. (By the way, why do "highways" go through lowlands, why do we drive on"parkways," and why do we park on "driveways?") All Aboard! The peanuts, which are notpeewee nuts, nor nuts at all, nor precisely peas (or "pease"), sell for peanuts.

Traveling along these American ways, in the American way, with the American folk hero PaulBunyan, the American comic hero, that marvel Billy Baxter, and the Mississippians Mr. and Mrs.Sippi, we found being freely used: "break a leg" as a theatrical wish of good luck; "city chicken" forpork on a stick; "Eat 'n Park" for park and eat; "hot dog" for a beef, pork, chicken and/or turkey, butnot K-9, sausage, and for an expression of joy; "hamburger" for a hamless (but no longer consideredharmless) beef patty; "buttermilk" for butterless cultured milk; and Arby's "Roast Beef," not for ayummy in your tummy roast chunk of solid beef, as expected and as served by Roy Rogers, but fora roasted sausage product admittedly utilizing bull (to wit, either an adult male bovine creature, orempty boastful nonsense, or perhaps both).

5In back alleys and everywhere we find those expletives, sometimes deleted, being used, such asthe four lettered "f---" word describing the most pleasurable of human endeavors, as a serious curseor the ultimate in messing up (and, perchance, "messing around"); and the five lettered "b----" worddescribing the most loving of maternal canine (K-9) lassies, as the most insidious, invidious,lascivious and loathsome of lewd ladies. But, why, why do we bitch so much?

And, surprise of surprises, usages are just as confused and confusing, if not more so, inWashington (located in and being the "District of Columbia," and not the "Evergreen State"). Howcan lawyers properly counsel their business clients to avoid confusion, fraud and deception when, asdiscussed in the Corplaw7 Commentaries column entitled "Equal: The Unequalled Biography -and Other Tales Fat-FreeTM,"2 the government by regulatory definition permits foods containingfat to be labeled "fat free", and foods containing calories to be labeled "no calories." Then, too, anumber of products are boldly called "Free," such as "Kraft Free" and "Pepsi Free," when they stillcost money.

Consider also, the permitted use or tacit acceptance by governmental officials of "waterproof"for materials that are only "water resistant" (which, by definition, are merely "resistant to but notwholly proof against the action or entry of water"); of "fireproof" for "fire resistant;" of "silverdollars" for coins no longer containing any silver; of "silver paper" and "silver foil" for foil productsmade from aluminum; and of "silverware" for "plastic-ware." Indeed, "ketchup" was almost bygovernment edict to be designated a "vegetable" even though it is, in fact, a condiment, and its mainingredient, the tomato or "love apple," is biologically a fruit?

The $64,000 question is then: "Should Oxymorons, Contranyms and Confusoids be band as'contraband,' or would so doing take too much fun out of the language?

I, therefore, commend you my brethren and sistren (oops!, isn't that too close to the phoneticspelling of a rain water storage tank?) of the Bar (non-alcoholic?), for being able to practice (untilwe are proficient?) and prosper in a profession that requires the use, interpretation and manipulationof oxymorons, contranyms and other confusoids, almost every day in nearly every which way. Onthat note, until the next Corplaw7 Commentaries column, I bid you "good bye" (some spell it "goodby"), or if by the way that is too confusing because it may be taken to mean a "good buy" orpurchase of a sale item (which itself may "sail" into confusion as a "sale" of goods or services neednot be at a bargain price to be a "sale"), I say to you "so long," or if that may be too confusing as itcan refer to a length that is of a certain size, I take leave of you with Shalom, or if that may be tooconfusing as it also means hello and peace, I wish you farewell, or if that may be too confusing as italso can mean be successful, I . . . .

Parting Elective Election Note From 1997. Well, it looks as if Clinton will be on the dole forfour more years, which makes wordsmithing and punstering sense as Dole could not be on theclinton, unless of course, it was the USS Clinton, and then anyway he would be way out at sea, andfar far away from the presidency.Please address your comments, questions and suggestions for future Corplaw7 CommentariesColumns on marketing and business law, and other subjects of interest to Barry J. Lipson atbjlipson@gmail.comCopyright8 1987- 2011 by Barry J. Lipson

1 Originally titled "Practicing Law Among the Oxymorons, Contranyms and Confusoids."2 Pittsburgh Legal Journal, July 23, 1996.