Charlie & Winston fighting in HeavenOr

Lampreys for Sunday brunch

Act I

Scene 1

(Charlie is playing patience on a bridge table. He’s watching TV or, rather, brooding. Enters Winston –a beefy squat man in his eighties- smoking a Habana cigar, drinking Champagne from a broad-rim cup)

Winston: Hi! Charlie! You seem to be in a very bad mood today! What’s the matter with you old fart! What came into your mind during the night? Regrets about your past? Another way of governing France? Ha ha!...

(Charlie doesn’t turn back for he’s been knowing Winston ever since he was alive & kicking in London)

Charlie: Please, Don’t call me “old fart “! I’m not one of your former inmates from Harrow! French people are refined, don’t you know it?

Winston (choking on the cigar) Yeah! Yeah! I know! But that’s the difference between you & me old fart! What are you doing? Patience game as usual?... Are you winning?... Ha ha! You’re the best pal I ever had in me life Charlie! Though you always were a sourpuss, you don’t lack the sense of humour & I like you for that!...

(Winston goes to his favourite place: a downy couch & sprawls on it in front of a huge TV screen showing the world’s news… after a few seconds)

Winston: Ha ha! Did you see that Charlie! François Hollande has been caught visiting his girlfriend with a helmet on his head!... but he took it off in front of the journalist! What a daft punk!

Charlie: (still playing patience game) I don’t care about those things happening in the world under. I did my time & always told them to be more prudent. I never was interested in money nor women. I even let my president salary to the French nation; you know it Winston!

Winston: Ok Charlie! You cannot be blamed on that! But why did you declare that the British were as well your enemies as the Germans in 1940? I had given the agreement to accommodate you in Pall Mall. It wasn’t a bad place for you, was it? You spent your time sending a few messages to the French Resistance but that was it… You didn’t have anything else to do!... anyway, your friend Schumann was there to do all the job!

Charlie: Don’t speak to me about that guy! I suspect him of having communist links with the USSR, like Rol Tanguy!

Winston: Rol Tanguy was very generous to you as he let you parade on the Champs Elysées after he had liberated Paris by himself!

Charlie: He was a communist & I couldn’t let him sympathize with the Soviets!

Winston: Allright Charlie! Have a cigar! & let’s talk about those events!

Charlie: No I won’t

Winston: You have to Charlie! I won at poker last night & such was the deal!

Charlie: You’re getting on my nerves Winston! You always were our enemies, squinting at us from you tiny island! My hometown - Lille – was the prey of many invasions from the Brits. I don’t like you

Winston: You’re forgetting the Spaniards & Austrians…

Charlie: That’s true Winston but you’re forgetting the Bourgeois de Calais & when Calais became French in the afternoon of 25th June 1658, & then English in the evening because Oliver Crowell had invaded it while they were French in the morning!

Winston: But we always came to your rescue when there was trouble … for we didn’t trust you in fact! You always were unfit for the job of containing your enemies as your economy isn’t what it should be: you waste too much in trying to impress people while you should be more efficient!

Scene 2

(Charlie resumes his patience game, brooding, enters Yvonne, his wife)

Yvonne: How are you Chuckie! I came up here from some shopping on a cloud & 6!

(taking notice of Winston)

Hi! old pal! How is it going this morning?

(Winston helps himself to a second Champagne cup & lights his second Habana cigar. It’s 10:00 am in Heaven )

Winston: Hi Auntie Yvonne! What did you shop for me?

Yvonne: l bought lamprey for you to die of a surfeit of that fish like your ancestor Henry I (lol!), Sorry Charlie! Good morning! You’re always so sullen!...

Charlie: Good morning Yvonne! Did the chauffeur take you in the Traction?

Yvonne (in aparté to Winston): The old fool is still back in his memories of Colombey

(louder to her husband): Come back to reality Charles André Joseh Marie De Gaulle! We are in heaven now! Why don’t you do like dear old Winston & enjoy eternity. You always were like that! Brooding over the past!

Charlie: Oh! OK Auntie Yvonne!... I was just lost in my thoughts…

Yvonne: For the umpteenth time Charles-André, don’t call me auntie! It makes me feel so old!

(Winston is having a great time watching the news & sneering at the 2 old lovers)

Winston (to himself): French will always be French.

(standing up & curtseying) O! what a nice surprise to come & visit the descendant of your executioners Joan!

Charlie (kneeling & kissing Joan of Arc’s right hand): God bless you Joan.

Joan of Arc (supporting Charlie to get back to his feet): Thank you Charles-André! I’m not worthy of all the devotion you bear to me. You know, I’m only a shepherdess from Lorraine who thought she was missioned by Archangel Gabriel. By the way, you should forgive good

old Winston who always was kind to France for he enabled France to get back its previous pre-war borders at the Yalta Conference.

Charlie: I promise I will try my dear Joan. But he’s always slurring!... he gets on my nerves!

Joan of Arc: Thank you Charles-André & remember one thing; it’s not the English who burnt me in Rouen, it’s the Bourguignon who then had invaded Paris & sold me to that old swine Cauchon Bishop.

Winston: That’s what I always told you Charlie! But you introduce us to those charming ladies dear Joan?

Joan of Arc: Well, this young maiden has for name Bernadette Soubirou & this one is Thérèse of Lisieux.

Winston (bowing): I’m delighted to meet you Mam’zelles. Would you accept a glass of this excellent Champagne? It’s a “Krug” special vintage of 1968, my favourite… you don’t fear cirrhosis any more, do you? I never did.

(they all burst out in laughter except Charles-André)

Bernadette Soubirou: Just a little drop Sir Winston. I’ve always been a great water-totaller & I could get tipsy

Thérèse: For me, Champagne is like Normandy cider, I can’t taste any difference.

(Winston uncorks his 2nd bottle – but it’s only 10:30 am & helps the young maidens to a sweet bubbling nectar invented by Dom Pérignon though the English claim for that invention. They start drinking, Bernadette sipping with circumspection)

Winston: So, what’s your impression Bernadette?

Bernadette: It tastes to me like there were floods in Lourdes & the water had a rotten taste

(Winston looks disappointed. Charlie grins)

Yvonne: Your Champagne is top quality Winston & I know what I’m talking about. We used to live in Champagne with Charles-André.

(turning to her husband) Don’t you think this Champagne is really top first?

Charlie (smacking his tongue): Er… not bad! Lacks a bit of gouleyance!...

Joan of Arc (to her 2 friends): O my God! It’s already 11:00! We have to go to Mass! Excuse us but we have to! We were coming to take you with us Yvonne…

Yvonne: I’m coming right now! Just the time to put my vixen fur around my shoulders & I’m up to you!

(she disappears in the down of the décor)

Joan of Arc: We love you as if we were our own parents dear Charles-André & Winston. You are real big heros & we love Yvonne, don’t we girls?

Thérèse & Bernadette: Yeah, we love you all 3 of you!

Winston: Goodbye the 3 weird sister!

Charlie: Winston! Can’t you stop your eternal slur!... It’s like Hell for me! I’d like to burn in Hell like Hitler! Your rot-smelling cigars remind me of that when you puff out the smoke right under my nose!...

(Yvonne reappears. She’s wearing a black dress & hat with a lace veil over her face. She has an orange-coloured vixen fur on her shoulders with little black beady eyes)

Yvonne: What’s the matter with you Charles-André? You look cross at Dear Winston once more! Let’s go girls & let them together. Goodbye! Be back in one hour & a half! Preheat the oven at 100° for the chicken Charles-André. That makes 250° Fahrenheit for you dear old Winston if you decide to stay for lunch with us. I know you appreciate dearly our cooking. Come on girls! Let’s go to Mass! It’s Sunday today!

(they leave the cloud on their 6 angel-trumpet-blowing drawn cloud)

Winston (lighting his 3rd cigar of the day): I love these 3 weird sisters. They should come more often. I love Yvonne too.

Charlie: Forget Yvonne & concentrate on the 3 weird sisters you Banquo!

Winston: Do you mean you’re Macbeth?... Have a game of chess Charlie?

Charlie: No, thanks Winston! I prefer patience game.

Winston (to himself): No wonder they lost in 1870, 1914 & 1940 with such tactician! It’s only a piece of luck we were there!

Act II

Scene I

(It’s 12:15 in Heaven. Winston is drinking another cup of his favourite drink. He’s talking to a fine lady wearing a low-neck cream-white silk dress. She’s reclining in front of Sir Winston on a meridienne. Charlie is playing patience at his bridge table)

Winston: So, you’re telling me dear Josephine, that your husband is coming back today 5th

may 2013 after 192 years in Purgatory;

Josephine De Beauharnais (sipping her Champagne gorgeously): O yes my dear Winston (sighing) it’s the end of my free life you know… he’s so very possessive! Heaven’s Directory had condemned him to a 192 earth years of Purgatory for all the havoc he had caused in Europe -

Winston: My poor lass! I sympathize! What are you going to do then? Go on obeying to that tyrant!...

Josephine (shedding a few tears): He still loves me though he repudiated me to marry Marie-Louise of Austria for political reasons.

(she drops her handkerchief & Charlie picks it up for her though his size & joints are aching from rheumatism. It’s precisely when Charles-André is giving her back the handkerchief that Yvonne comes back from Mass. She glares at her husband)

Yvonne: Stop that gallivanting Charles-André! It’s a shame! Wooing ladies – to be polite – in this way! I’m keeping an eye on you!

Charlie: Oh, I know my dear Yvonne!

Yvonne: What do you mean by that?...

(At that moment, a 3-cornered black hatted, grey-riding coated, white-breeched & waistcoated small man erupts in the space. He has his hand on his stomach as though he had gastric problems. Without a look at the others, he heads straight to Josephine)

Napoleon (throwing himself on his knees): My sweet love, you cannot know the throes I underwent. Those 192 years have been like hell to me!

Josephine (winking at Winston) Well I guess it was!... My poor darling!... still suffering from belly ache?

Napoleon: More than ever: I was wondering what you were doing! Tell me what you done these past years while I was under St Peter’s guidance down below.

Josephine: Well, I’m very keen on anglo-saxon music. Those Americans aren’t bad at all you. Though the Brits are quite good too. Dear Winston translates the lyrics for me & it’s hype!...

Napoleon: I always was interested in military music you know! It reminds me of Eylau, Friedland, Iena…

Winston: and Waterloo, Moscow, the Berezina…

Napoleon (glaring at Winston): Who’s that bloke Josephine?

Winston: Let me introduce myself Napoleone Buonaparte. You don’t know me. I’m the Duke of Marlborough’s descendant, Sir Winston Churchill.

Napoleon: Not The Marlborough who was vanquished at Fontenoy in 1745 “Messieurs les Anglais tirez les premiers” Ha! Ha! What a good trick! They had no more ammunition! Ha! Ha what a good trick!... ha!ha!ha!... all the Saxe Maréchal & Louis XV had to do was fire at them!... Have you ever heard of such foolishness Josephine?

Winston: “Marlbrought s’en va t-en- guerre miroton miroton mirotaine. Marlbrought s’en va-t-en guerre. Ne sait quand reviendra ? Ne sait quand reviendra? »

Napoleon (reaching out his left hand to Winston for his right is always resting on his pouch): Pleased to meet you Marlbrought. We did give you a big kick in the ass that day, didn’t we?

Winston: My dear Napoleon, with all the respect I owe you for you are older than me in earth years, my ancestor was a hero who even served France under Louis XIV & General Turenne who built forts on all the French borders. Don’t treat me so roughly for the emblem

of my family is a duke’s coronet & cannonball crushing a fleur de lys. You should attend the annual ceremony when my kin symbolically pay the fleur de lys to the British monarch.

(he turns his back on Napoleon & lights his 3rd cigar of the day)

Scene 2

(Enters Yvonne. She looks excited)

Yvonne: How are you Mr Napoleon? I was expecting for your return from Purgatory. It’s time you should get back control! You see what I mean!...

Napoleon (kissing Yvonne’s left hand): I don’t know you but clearly understand what you mean. (beckoning to Josephine) Come on Josephine, we’re taking leave!

(The latter rises from her méridienne with a sigh when 2 gentlemen & a lady enter the space . Napoleon winces )

Winston (rising): Ah! My dear Wellington! I was expecting you. But I didn’t know you’d arrive so point-blankedly! How are you, my Lord? Still wearing those knee-high boots… they’re very trendy on the market these day!

Wellington: I know, I know… I hesitated to wear a pair of flowery or fluo yellow ones to visit you, Winston

Winston (laughing or rather eructing – he’s drunk half a bottle of Champagne by now): You’d have been very much in this Lady’s tablets! You know she listens to Lady Gaga & Nikki Minaj!

Wellington (bowing in front of Josephine): My Lady, I hope there‘s no clouds between us. I just did my duty.

Josephine: Oh! I know what you mean Duke. I was always used to living that way with a military man. Let me introduce you to my former husband Napoleon whom I’m sure you already met before (giggling) in a previous life maybe.

(Napoleon is observing the scene. He can’t stand the sight of his former opponents)

Wellington: Let me introduce you, dear Josephine, to Admiral Horatio Nelson & his fiancée Lady Jane Hamilton

Josephine: Howdie Horatio & Jane! I’m sure we’re gonna get on well! Would you fancy a cup of tea with my first husband whom you certainly know? Come on Jane! Let’s go to the office & prepare a cup of tea!

(They exit)

Nelson: How now Napoleon, what were all those years spent in purgatory like?

Napoleon (grumbling): Comparable to Saint Helena’s. I had had a taste of it before!

Nelson (unable to dissimulate his mirth): You deserved it Napoleon. You were too ambitious. It must come from your low origins in Corsica.

Napoleon (grinning): You & me will never be on an equal footing! I propagated French Revolution all over Europe while you were there fighting me - as a descendant of British aristocracy!

Nelson: What has your supposed revolution been able to breed in France? “Liberty” certes you all feel free to annoy every other nation – especially the British subjects! “Equality”? Do you think you’re all equal in France when your politicians are involved every month in cases of money laundering & bribery? As to “Fraternity” you’d better forget that last term: you’re always buzzing & rapping at each other & trying to trap your politicians whom you elected 3 months before in bad cases like poor François Hollande & Nicolas Sarkozy! What kind of democracy is that?

Napoleon: We don’t have the privilege for scandal & licenciousness. I’m sorry I’m a bit backward on that subject for I’ve just spent 192 years in Purgatory, but I was told American films are quite immoral these days!

Winston (intervening): But we never chose such a stupid motto as “Liberty, Equality, Fraternity or Death”! That’s suicidal! You shot yourself a bullet in the foot!

Napoleon: Do you think Great Britain’s motto “Dieu & mon droit” is better?

Wellington: Let me remind you my dear Napoleon that this motto was adopted by King Richard I (the lionhearted) who only spent 7 months in England for he was Duke of Normandy, Brittany, Anjou & Gascony. It seems you have a talent to excuse your bad actions in the name of your would-be principles, you French people…

(Napoleon doesn’t want to discuss any longer with his adversaries & exits)

Yvonne: Good bye Sir Napoleon! Come on Charles-André say goodbye!

Charlie: Bye bye Napoleon!

(Josephine & Lady H come shrieking out of the office)

Lady Hamilton: Please call 999 or Santa Barbara the firemen’s patron saint - for there’s a fire in the office!

Yvonne: What temperature did you preheat the oven Charles-André?

Charlie: Er… 250°. Winston reminded me, didn’t you Winston?

Yvonne: Women will never be able to trust men in cooking matters!

Josephine: But where’s Napo?...

Wellington: He was walking on hot coals. He must have thought he had gone through the wrong gate!

(They all burst out laughing except Charles-André)

Act III

Scene 1

(Sir Winston, Charles-André, Wellington, Nelson, Princess Eugénie, Josephine & Lady Hamilton - it’s beginning to get crowded - are sitting around a huge mahogany table. There’s a huge crystal chandelier over their heads)

Sir Winston: Where did you tell me those snails came from Charlie?

Charlie: a small producer near “La Boisserie” in Colombey. His cattle is very reliable.

Winston: Oh! oh!... You always got the sense of humour. Why didn’t we get on better in war time? Probably the stress due to management… Let’s forget all that! Another flute of Champagne?

Charlie: No thank you Winston. Personally, I prefer Chablis with escargots.

Winston: My dear Charlie you’ll always be Frencher than the French – that’s an overstatement of course!

Yvonne (bearing a dish of lampreys & French fries): Hope the English present around this here table won’t choke on it! Appreciate! Charles-André, you know that Champagne causes you dyspepsia. It’s your last flute!... By the way, I invited my good friend Queen Victoria & her husband Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg, their son Edward VII & Napoleon III. I had also invited his uncle for the occasion of his return from purgatory through St Peter’s intermediary. He might come back. Help yourselves at will & don’t choke!

Nelson (to Josephine): I wonder how you could bear him all your life!

Josephine: Not all my life Horatio! I only stayed 13 years with Napo. From 1796 to 1808. 13 years of bliss. It was like a honeymoon when he told me his conquests in Malta, Egypt ,Haiti, Spain, Portugal, Austria, Hungary…

Nelson: But you never went to all these countries!

Josephine: Of course not, he pretended it was too dangerous for me. You know Horatio, indeed, Napo wanted to conquer all these countries for us to spend holidays there!

Nelson (to himself): I understand better now.

(Enter Queen Victoria, Prince Albert, Edward VII, Napoleon III & his wife Eugénie de Montejo)

Sir Winston (rising while the others are having a great time over the French cheeses imported from down below: a dairy product mill in Colombey): Welcome to our humble repast! (to Queen Victoria) How are you faring your Majesty?

Queen Victoria: Excellently since I’ve been reunited to Prince Albert! Let me introduce you to my son Edward & Louis-Napoleon Bonaparte & his wife Eugénie-Marie de Montijo de Guzman. But I can’t see his uncle! Has he got any problems?

Sir Winston (diplomatically): He might have been delayed.

(they all sit down around the huge mahogany table)

Yvonne: So now! We have the pleasure, Sir Winston & myself, to introduce you to a Prince of Mystery, he did all kinds of jobs before getting into the best illusion industry in the world of reality!

(A purple haze invades the space where the guests are brunching. The heavenly lights turn out for 10 seconds earth year. When they light up again, instead of the dessert everyone expected, there is a “tête de veau” with parsley in its ears in the middle of the table)

A voice from beyond (lol): Ladies & gentlemen, now you’re going to attend the most fabulous show on Earth & in Heaven. Prepare yourselves to the greatest spectacle you ever had seen before!

Yvonne: Watch it Charles-André! You won’t be disappointed!

(Enters a rather devilish-looking goatie-bearded man wearing tails & a gold-embroidered yellow waistcoat)

George Melies (for it’s him – the inventor of cinema after Thomas Edison & the Lumière brothers): Ladies & gentlemen! I’m going to make this tête de veau speak & then, you’ll be able to taste it!

Napoleon III: As a dessert?

(G.Melies abracadabras & hocus-pocuses, directing all his powers to the tëte de veau – his arms erect in front of him with his 10 fingers extended)

Tête de Veau (rapping):

When I was born they just kept me in

A bloody kennel from where I just couldn’t get out

Then they sent me to the slaughter-house

Where they cut my head off & dispatched my parts

MOO moo mooo I don’t know what kind of world you live in (over& over)

Yvonne (angrily at George Melies): That’s in no ways what I ordered from you George! Have you got an explanation?

George Melies: After I met you – a 2 earth-year weeks ago, I met Gandhi & Lanza del Vasto who told me I should convert myself to pacifism & vegetarianism.

Princess Eugénie de Montijo: It’s such a good idea George! (beckoning to Josephine & Lady Hamilton) Do you want to form a group with me? we could call ourselves ”Lady JEH”!

Josephine & Lady H: Waow! Superkiller!

Tête de veau: All you have to do is a big bang hit

Now from now on you’ve just formed a group

You’re in it & you can’t get through! Doop doo doo doop yeah!...)

Yvonne: What’s all that stuff girls? I didn’t educate you to such things! It must be really bad on earth for you to learn such wicked things! Remember when I sang to you songs by Edith Piaf & Yves Montand & André Claveau.

Queen Victoria: I appreciate you for your peps Yvonne. Unhappily, almost all my children & Albert of Saxe Coburg’s died in infancy. I’ve only got Edward & my husband to remind me of that period of time.

Edward VII: I love you Yvonne as I love France. What I miss here is the 122.

Queen Victoria: Can’t you speak off debauchery for once?

Napoleon III (to Edward VII): Do you remember old fart when we…

Queen Victoria: It’s allright by now Napoleon! Don’t tease my son into telling his prowesses! Excuse me Yvonne but such things aren’t done! I’m going to leave but let’s meet later to talk about our progeny though it’s too late by now! No offence meant Yvonne…

Edward VII: I was just starting an interesting discussion with Charles-André & Winston

about the way of preparing tête de veau!

Victoria: Don’t dream Edward! You’ll never equal the French in the art of fake!

Scene Ii

Prince Albert: My wife hasn’t recovered from the stress of governing so many parts of the world. Please, excuse her, Yvonne.

Yvonne: I understand her pledge as a mother of 8 with the additional burden of ruling an Empire on which the sun never set.

Prince Albert: You’re talking sense Yvonne (kissing her on both cheeks). You had problems with your children too. I think it’s a good thing on earth to introduce parity.

Yvonne: Woman is Man’s future.

Lady Hamilton: You speak of gold dear mother for I recognize you as my French mother.

Yvonne: I didn’t say that but a French poet called Louis Aragon did.

Josephine: And he was a communist.

Wellington: Sure he was. De Gaulle should have taken lessons for women couldn’t vote as early as 1948 in France (after the liberation).

Charlie: Can’t you tell them once & for all Yvonne that I was protecting patrimony

Josephine: Yeah, “La Boisserie”! Heaven knows what people did in there as it was a former coach-stage!

Yvonne: Come on Charles-André! It wasn’t such a respectable place for us !

Charlie: O come on Yvonne! You always darted at me for this decision!

Sir Winston (resurfacing after his nap consecutive to his surfeit of lampreys): I thank you for the meal you cooked for us Yvonne. All I need now is a tiny glass of brandy or Cognac – I don’t like whiskey so much as it tastes like medicine.

Yvonne (pouring down Cognac in a big tulip-shaped tasting glass): Here you are Sir Winston. You did a lot for France against Charles-André’s will I know. You deserve this!

Winston: Cheers Lady Yvonne, you could have been ennobled!

Yvonne: Oh! You trickster!

(Knock knock knock on Heaven’s gate. Josephine opens)

Josephine: O Napo! I’m so pleased you have come back!... We were all expecting you! Come in! There’s tête de veau for dessert!

Napoleon: I’m not alone my dear Josephine, I’m accompanied by the most wonderful lady on earth, Franz II, Emperor of Austria’s daughter Marie-Louise & our son Napoleon II

Josephine (to herself): O shit! Not that bitch!

Napoleon III (coming to greet his uncle): I couldn’t convince my father & his wife Hortense to come to Yvonne’s dinner. Pleased to meet you back from purgatory? Were Marie-Louise & cousin “Eaglet” with you down there?

Napoleon I: Of course, nephew! You can’t disintegrate a family’s unity. Haven’t you read my Civil Code?

Napoleon III: Of course I have dear uncle. Be welcome at our humble Sunday brunch. We had lamprey as a main course!

Marie-Louise: How can the French eat so disgusting fish that stay motionless all day clinging to a bridge & doing nothing else than swallowing the fish that occur to swim by!

Napoleon II: But you know Mum, it’s the way lots of victors manage! “survival of the fittest”

(they enter the dining-room just as George Melies finishes sawing off the head of his assistant… but it’s fake & anyway, she doesn’t fear anything by now.)

Wellington: Bravo George! They should’ve had you during the Terror in France in 1792! It would have spared lots of lives! (taking sight of Napoleon, Marie-Louise & the Eaglet) So you’re back with us Napoleon! Let’s have a toast to the Entente Cordiale.

Edward VII (rising with a big full-to-the-brim tulip-shaped tasting glassin his hand): You have no right to bear this toast for me Wellie! I invented this term & it fared us well Napoleon III & meself! Bottoms up!

(he empties his glass of Cognac in a single draught)

Princess Eugénie: I think you’ve had enough for today Charles-Louis!

Napoleon III: Don’t worry Génie! I can’t sink down lower, can I Uncle,

Napoleon I: No, you can’t dear nephew, nor can you rise higher!

Lady Hamilton (to Napoleon I): You must know what you’re talking about for you experienced both!

Napoleon I: You know life has its highs & lows

Wellington: Yeah! Like in Eylau where you were high & low & Waterloo where you really got down the loo!

(They all burst out in laughter except Charles-André & Napoleon I of course)

Act IV

Scene 1

(It’s 3:00 pm on a Sunday evening in Heaven. The guests – Sir Winston, Charles De gaulle & his wife Yvonne, Napoleon I & his wives Marie-Louise & Josephine de Beauharnais, Wellington & his boots, Lord Nelson & Lady Hamilton, Napoleon II, Napoleon III & his wife Eugénie de Montejo, Queen Victoria & his son Edward III & George Melies & his headless assistant who’ve been invited for a toast of Champagne around the huge mahogany table… Excuse me for the toll; it’s not easy to read without taking a deep breath in the middle of it!

When 3 men knock knock knock at Heaven’s door. There’s a little man wearing a dottee, & 2 black men)

Queen Victoria: Who must that be?

Yvonne (opening): Oh! I forgot to tell you Majesty that I had invited one of Britain’s former subjects & 2 others from your independent colonies. Let me introduce you to Mohandas Karamchand Ghandi, Martin Luther King & Nelson Mandela.

(Queen Victoria rises from her chair & the three of them kiss her hand-alternatively of course)

Ghandi: I’m very honoured to meet the Impress of India.

Martin Luther King: Good day Your Majesty, the example of your determination was always present in my combat!

Nelson Mandela: Your loneliness at the head of the British empire sometimes inspired me when I was detained on Robben Island

Queen Victoria: Thank you to all 3 of you & to you Yvonne for organizing such a meeting. I didn’t know I would meet these three eminent representatives of our former Commonwealth. First, Mahatma, let it be known to you that, from above, I always respected your dignified fight against the British troops by refusing to use violence. I think you created an example & will always be revered for that

(Half the guests stand up & cheer at Gandhi- who bows ceremoniously - except Napoleon, Charlie, Wellington & Nelson).

Queen Victoria (resuming her speech): MLK, I love you for your religious spirit & the courage you showed during all that 1955- 1965 period. Dear Yvonne forgot to invite Rosa Parks but it’s only “partie remise” (turning to Yvonne) as the French say. I’ll invite her next time! I profit from the occasion to invite you next Sunday on my cloud – even you naughty Edward! (everyone boos at Edward who’s drinking Whisky with Napoleon III &Winston)

Edward VII: What’s the matter mother?... Excuse me, I was talking to my friends Badinguet & Winston!

Queen Victoria: I profit from the opportunity, dear Yvonne, to tell you that my daughter-in-law, Princess Alexandra of Denmark is unwell & couldn’t honour your kind invitation. I hope she’ll be present next Sunday!

Yvonne: We all wish a quick recovery to kind Princess of Denmark

Queen Victoria: Now, welcome to you too – in the name of Yvonne & her husband – Nelson Mandela. You had a long life full of combats like me & I respect you for your years of abnegation & sufferings in the middle of the Pacific Island in a penitenciciary on Robben Island. Excuse the descendants of my people for making you suffer so much.

Nelson Mandela: I’m a Johnny come lately Your Majesty (they all smile except Charlie who thinks he’s talking about Johnny Halliday). But I think I’ll come to your next invitation & tell you all about my fight; if you are interested in it of course.

Queen Victoria: Be sure that I & Sir Winston – who was a journalist & even fought during the Boers’ War - were very keen on watching TV during all those years from 1976 to 1993, weren’t we Winston?

Winston: Course we were Victoria, it reminded us of MLK’s fight for equality in the US from 1956 to 1965

Lord Nelson: Excuse me Your Majesty, why didn’t you invite Toussaint l’Ouverture? He could have told you about his relations with Napoleon & the French Republic!

Queen Victoria (frowning): Don’t be cheeky Horatio! Stop talking about controversial matters! You’re too young & impulsive! Try to control yourself next Sunday. We’re all blessed in Paradise aren’t we? Even Nopoleon after an incompressible 192-year detention penalty in Purgatory…

Lord Nelson: Allright Your Majesty, I’ll try to spare Napo next Sunday

Queen Victoria: Thank you Horatio! I recognize the nobility of your character (eyeing at Wellington). Same thing for you Arthur Wellesley Duke of Wellington! Stop harassing poor Napoleon Buonaparte! How do you want him to experience his newly-found goodness if you don’t stop bullying him!

Lord Nelson & Wellington: We pledge Your Majesty!

Napoleon I: I’d rather have signed treaties with her than with George III

Wellington: You wouldn’t have signed any treaties with her!

Lord Nelson: She’d have you surrender Saint-Pierre & Miquelon

Charlie (waking up after a small nap on his downy couch): No, no ! Never surrender Saint Pierre & Miquelon to the Anglo-Saxons!

Josephine: I know Saint-Pierre but who’s Miquelon?

(They all burst out laughing except Charles-André)

Scene 2

(it’s around 4:00 am in Heaven. Mandiba – alias Nelson Mandela- is playing chess with Napoleon I while MLK is talking to Lady Hamilton & Gandhi is in great conversation with Queen Victoria)

Princess Eugénie (to Josephine): We could start dancing & raise a little hell! I just phoned Barry White & Marvin Gaye. They’re both to come with Whitney Houston, Louis Armstrong, Harry Bellafonte & John Lennon.

Josephine: What a jean genie you are Princess. Let’s shake all those diamonds & pearls as John would say!

Madiba (to Napoleon I): Would you like me to show you my cell at Robben Island?

Napoleon I: O no! please Nelson! It would remind me too much of my own island at Saint-Helena! The British have a special taste for deporting their enemies on islands as they’re islanders themselves. They must want to punish all the world to their eternal damnation!

Madiba: But you were born on an island yourself

Napoleon I : Certes! But Corsica is currently called the Beauty Island (“l’Ile de Beauté” in French). Nothing to see with that bleak island where I died. I was allright on the “Ile d’Elbe” & had started to reform a few things, namely in agriculture, but my partisans couldn’t wait & I had to come back. Unhappily, it only lasted 100 days!

Madiba: You should be more careful to the game Napoleon. I took your King. You’re mat!

Napoleon I: You people from the colonies will always have a gift for the gab!

Madiba: Relax Napoleon! We’re not at Waterloo! Let me remind you that Josephine & yourself were born on French-domineered islands

(Enters a tricorne-capped, royal blue uniformed mulatto)

Madiba (in aparté): Hi Toussaint! How are you faring in Heaven? Let me introduce you to someone you already know: Napoleon!

Toussaint: You’re absolutely right Mandiba; I fought for him & for the liberation of my enslaved people. I went to Paris in 1992 & spoke in the name of my fellow slaves ( though I had been enfranchised). A majority of the Directoire voted “at main levée” the abolition of slavery in Haiti which was a French colony (we all speak French on this island). Then I went back to my island & started growing cane sugar. But Napoleon reestablished the former French Regime (dukes, counts barons) appointed by himself. This decree released into slavery my supporters & myself. I had fought for French Revolution & the propagation of the revolutionary principles, but when that bad piece of news reached me, I decided to fight against the occupying French troops. As I had fought for “Liberty, Equality, Fraternity”; I fought against that foul regime ruled by an islander like me. I tore off the white colour (symbol of Royalty especially for us poor slaves) from the French revolutionary flag to make this man understand he had forsworn himself. But I was betrayed by my own headquarters to the enemy (the French Republic after Spain which had conquered half of Haiti). The French officers caught me & I was taken to Paris for a brief trial. They sent me to a prison in Jura (not the Scottish Island but a freezing French newly-created French département). Don’t you think Mandiba that my story is similar to yours, grounding rock on Robben Island?

Madiba: I was myself born in a country domineered by the British & Afrikaaners while yours was domineered by the French. I think the difference between French & British will always arise from the fact that the French always believed in their superiority since Louis XIV. We didn’t have that problem in the UK; for the Commonwealth supplied for the weaknesses of the British economy. Napoleon I didn’t really want to create an overseas empire while the British did. He suicidally attacked Moscow. Like Hitler after him. Prosperity & future didn’t reside in the West but rather in the East at that period of time.

Toussaint: The future proved that Napoleon was completely wrong. Don’t you think so my darling Josephine?

Josephine: Hush down Toussaint! Dear Napo could hear us! Remember he espoused me as the widow of Alexandre De Beauharnais who couldn’t protect Mayence, at a time when the Revolution hadn’t taken place. Anyway, he appointed my son Eugene – certainly because he wanted to be pardoned for our divorce – Viceroy of Italy.

Napoleon (muttering to himself): I wonder who may have called that bloody sonabitch Toussaint!

Scene 3

Queen Victoria (to Yvonne): Don’t you think those two – I mean Napoleon & Josephine - are perfectly ridiculous! I never had any elopements when I was married to Prince Albert. Did you Yvonne have flights from your husband?

Yvonne: I couldn’t Victoria: the OAS was everywhere & my husband was the target of at least 30 attacks. This terrorist group couldn’t admit the independence of Algeria which was like a French department for France.

Queen Victoria: I had the same problems with Ireland.

MLK (bowing in front of the 2 ladies): Excuse me Ladies; I was overhearing your conversation – no offence meant I think – but let me tell you that I was the victim of extremists myself for no one actually knows why my killer (a woman who seemed to be a supporter in a Memphis demonstration) shot me as I was shaking hands as usual after any of my speeches. I suppose she must have been backed up by the KKK as when poor JFK was killed in Dallas. I liked JFK. You should invite him to your next party Your Majesty

Queen Victoria: Good idea Martin Luther!

Yvonne: I’m sorry but I have to wake on my husband Charles André

(She leaves the pair & reintegrates the group dancing at the music of Satchmo’s “What a wonderful Day”)

Princess Eugénie: What a whack! But I prefer Chris Martin! He’s got such a suave voice!

Josephine: I like “Princess of China”! he sings with Rihanna who comes from Barbados – a sort of neighbor for she was born in a former British-domineered island.

Lady Hamilton: Don’t forget Nikki Minaj who was born in Trinidad & Tobago which the English conquered from the Spaniards as well as Barbados!

Josephine, Lady Hamilton & Princess Eugenie (rapping):

“Let’s get free Let’s get rapping

Let’s get high in the name of freedom

Let’s get high let’s get low

Support the fight of Pussy Riot… Woah!...”

Yvonne (coming back for she had been attracted by the cheers): Come on damsels! I know nothing is important in Heaven now, but you should behave yourselves! What impression will Napoleon have about Heaven! Let me remind you that he got an incompressible 102-year Purgatory penalty! What must he think! Behave yourselves my ladies!

Josephine (winking at Eugénie & Lady Hamilton): That’s allright Auntie. When is the next party in Heaven?

Yvonne: At Victoria’s - & -you’d better behave girls! for she’s not the kind to pardon such misdmeanours!

Josephine: We promise Yvonne!

(winking at Eugénie & Lady H)

I think we could have a helluvah fun next WE!

Eugénie & Lady H: We could call ourselves “little Mix”!

Lady H: Great! It reminds of “Spice girls”. Come on girls! We’ve only got one week to rehearse!

Act V

Scene 1

(On a Sunday afternoon in Heaven. One week after. It’s tea-time. Victoria & Yvonne are chatting with JFK. “Little Mix” is on stage with John Lennon & Georgie Harrison. Charles André is playing beggar-my-neighbor with Ann Boleyn while Henry VIII is in great conversation with Sir Winston. His other wives – except Catharine of Aragon whom he repudiated – are dancing on stage to the sound of “little Mix” accompanied by John & Georgie. When the music stops, Jane Seymour, Ann of Cleves, Catherine Howard & Catherine Parr raise up their arms & start cheering the newly-formed group)

Sir Winston (wearing his pouchy face): Couldn’t your Majesty tell those young folks to hush up a little! We can’t talk with His Majesty Henry VIII about his “Clothe of Gold” meeting with King of France Francis I in 1520.

Queen Victoria (to the musicians): Please, “Little Mix”! It’s supposed to be a casual tea-party! Not a gig at Hyde Park! Would you please Sir John – though you refused this title in 1965 – get back the steers on these wild girls. Could you please play us something like “Jealous guy” or “Imagine” to relax us? I love those songs.

John Lennon: OK! Your Majesty! Let’s all obey to you! We’re all your humble subjects aren’t we! Come on Georgie! Let’s play “Yesterday”. It will remind them of all their past mistakes. Come on girls you all know the lyrics!

Little Mix: Of course we do

(They start singing)

Henry VIII: Ah! I prefer that style! I myself composed a few songs in my time. Nolwenn, a French singer – as well as many others before her- seem to have remembered my “Greensleeves” that I composed in the memory of my beloved Ann.

Sir Winston: But why did you have her beheaded?

Henry VIII: I had cracked up for her – er…. Sorry Sir Winston; rather got an inclination to wooing her as we used to say in my time - when she was my first wife’s Catherine of Aragon’s maid.

Sir Winston: It’s no explanation for me Henry! You must have lost your head – as she did some time after that!

Henry VIII: You’re right Sir Winston; I must have lost my head meself – I appreciate your typical British sense of humour!

Sir Winston: That’s a very bad joke, Henry! What do you want your people to remind you for?

Henry VIII: That I was the best sovereign in Europe for England was a small nation compared to Francis I’s French Empire. He conquered half of Italy & I was so fond of Italian Renaissance!

Sir Winston: Now I can see your kinks Henry! I understand why you executed your wives. You’re a paranoiac who wanted to express himself through murder!

Henry VIII: You’re certainly right Sir Winston! I couldn’t have coped with the situation during the Blitz Krieg.

Sir Winston: My family was ennobled by Queen Ann - William III & Mary Stuart’s daughter - as Earl of Marlborough.

Henry VIII (leaving): That’s why I respect you Sir Winston. Excuse me but my latest wife is inviting me for a menuet! Must be the French genes in her blood! It must have been a galore for all of her subjects!

(Sir Winston is met on the sofa where he’s forever sprawling, smoking cigars – for he doesn’t fear cancer nor cirrhosis any more – by Charlie)

Charlie : Ann’s just told me how Henry got so mad as to have her beheaded! Don’t you think that man is a monster!

Sir Winston: Hush, Charlie! It oughtn’t to be known all over Paradise but he spent an incompressible 305 years penalty in Purgatory for the murder of 5 of his 6 wives!

Charlie: Another one of your dirty little British mysteries! It suits you well! I always was wary about the British! They invented Frankenstein, Dracula, Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde… You mustn’t be well in your minds you English people!

Sir Winston: Do you think your murdering thousands of people during the revolution is comparable? We did it in romance while you actually performed it.

Ann Boleyn: Let’s forget all that stuff Charlie! Will you dance with me?

Charlie: I can’t dance

Yvonne (interrupting from the kitchen): Come Charlie! We need you for your escargot gastronomy & experience about that peculiar aspect of French gastronomy!

Charlie: So long Ann! duty’s calling me! Are you coming for a lesson in French cuisine Winston?

Sir Winston: No thanks Charlie! I’ll stick to champagne & foie gras. I’m very thankful to your nation for inventing that!

John Lennon (from stage): Now we’re very pleased to greet the greatest musicians Heaven has ever known! I mean Harry Belafonte & King Louis Armstrong – forever known as Satchmo!

(They all make a standing ovation to the pair. Then, Little Mix chorus while John & Paul accompany Kings Louis & Henry for a new version of “It’s a wonderful World”. At that very moment, Mandiba, MLK & Gandhi knock knock knock at Heaven’s Door. Queen Victoria rushes to welcome them)

MLK (kissing Queen Victoria’s hand): I knew I wouldn’t be disappointed Your Majesty! I can recognize the voice of companions whose songs helped me in my combat years.

(Gandhi & Mandiba follow suit)

Queen Victoria: Welcome to the 3 of you Sirs! I was sure the band would suit you for a Sunday-afternoon concert. They’re so good-looking & soft to our ears! Please, come in!

Yvonne (joining Victoria at Heaven’s gate, flushed & in a flurry): O I’m so sorry Vic! Charlie – as usual – botched it all! He pre-heated the oven at 250° F (around 100° C) & the snails are carbonated!

(noticing the incoming guests)

Hi! Mr Gandhi! Welcome but you won’t have any snails for high tea!

Gandhi (kissing Yvonne’s pink rubber-gloved hand): Let me tell you Lady Yvonne that we don’t care a pukka about that incident! Anyway, I wouldn’t have eaten such disgusting things. (addressing his mates) Would you have? Anyway, I’m veggie!

Mandiba: We eat lots of weird dishes in South Africa such as pythons. But never such disgusting critters as snails!

Queen Victoria (winking at Yvonne): Well Gentlemen, Welcome & let’s have a true British high tea with scones & muffins & marmalade jam with cream prepared by my father’s cuisinier Maurice Carême – of French origin as you may guess. He was my father William IV’s superintendant at Brighton’s Indian Palace where he used to live & where I was born. Maurice could prepare some 30-course meals! The problem is his family name means “ lent” in French.

Gandhi: I understand how it must be so difficult to bear such a name when you’re a chef!

Queen Victoria: My father didn’t care at all about that for he weighed 250 pounds on his deathbed

Yvonne (showing the way to her guests with her pink-rubber gloves): This way gentlemen; Come on Charlie! Stop drinking Champagne with dear old Winston! When will you start being an adult?

Sir Winston (from afar): OK auntie! Charlie & Ann have just just lost their first rubber at bridge! Congrats JFK!

JFK: I like playing with you; you always had a sense of what’s going to happen next

Sir Winston: That’s right John Fitzgerald. It saved my life during the Boers War in 1901 when I was the prisoner of those bloody Afrikaaners who thought I was a British spy while I was only doing my journalist’s job.

Yvonne (to Victoria): I preferred when he played patience by himself! That Sir Winston is a real devil. They’ll all go down to Hell if they go on!

Victoria: Don’t worry Yvonne! Once you’ve got the entrance ticket to Paradise, you can’t get down

Yvonne: You’re right Victoria! You’re my best friend forever!

(the music is growing louder & louder. Little Mix, John & Georgie & Henry Belafonte are now jamming)

Scene 2

(around 8:00pm in Heaven. Sir Winston & Charlie are playing poker. John & Georgie are playing & singing “Here comes the sun”. “Little Mix” & Henry VIII’s 6 wives but 1 are dancing to the sound of the music. Harry Bellafonte & Louis are out of the space, smoking a cigarette)

Gandhi: I think I can recognize a bit of influence from my country in the way George Harrison is playing the guitar.

Madiba: You’re absolutely right Mahatma. He took lessons with one of your greatest sitar players ever: Ravi Shankar.

MLK: No offence meant gentlemen but I prefer John when he sings “Roll over Beethoven” or adaptations from good old Chuck Berry.

John Lennon (meeting them for a pause): I always admired your courage. You always were an example for me. I would have liked to die as a working-class hero like you.

Madiba & MLK (together): But you did John!

John (gulping down a flute of Champagne): Thanks! Sorry mates but I have to go back on stage! All those ladies are calling for Georgie & me! See ya soon I hope; for I really want to talk with you about your ideals!...

Gandhi: What a nice guy!

MLK: Sure he is! I might have inspired him but he produced the same effect on me.

(Little Mix, Henry VIII’s 6 wives but 1, Yvonne & Queen Victoria are claiming Georgie & John back on stage. They start playing)

Harry: I must have drunk too much Champagne Louis! I can hear me singing with you in a duet!

Louis: You’re not pissed Harry; it’s just John & Georgie wanting us to join them for a jam!

Harry: Ok Louis! Let’s do it! Let’s show them how we do it!

(They climb on stage – a small nimbus cloud - & start singing while John & George are accompanying them in a totally improvised version of Chuck Berry’s “Lucille”)

Charlie: You’re cheating Winston! I preferred when we played bridge

JFK: It’s part of the game Charles-André! It isn’t like belote or manille coinchée; you have to bluff your neighbors so that they believe you’re stronger than them all.

Winston: I feel confident you could do that easily Charlie; isn’t that what you did all your life?

(Charlie gets to his feet. The bridge table on which they were playing poker with Ann Boleyn, JFK & Sir Winston tumbles down with all the cards & token on it)

Charlie (domineering Sir Winston sprawling on his sofa from his 2-yards height): I don’t allow you Winston! This is my last remark towards your unbearable comportment towards me & French people! I won’t play poker with you again!

Yvonne (intervening in the fight between the 2 old rivals): What’s the matter Charles-André? You seem to be willing to raise a hell all over Heaven! Beware not to go back to Purgatory like poor old Napoleon!

Ann Boleyn (picking up the tokens & cards from the downy floor of clouds): Don’t worry dear auntie Yvonne, I’m taking care of him!

(to Charles- André): Won’t you dance the rumba with me?

Charlie: You know I can’t dance dear Princess but I’ll make an exception for you!

Ann: It’s so kind of you dear Charlie (they start dancing at the sound of “La Cucaracha” sung by Harry & Louis)

JFK (to Yvonne): For one second, I really thought these 2 (winking at Sir Winston) were going to fightfist in Heaven!

Yvonne: Don’t worry Winston, I’ll brief Charles-André tonight – for I can notice his attention has been disturbed recently – it must be Alzheimer disease as they say down below - but promise me not to worry him any longer by telling him about his past mistakes. You don’t live with him all the time!

Winston (slurring & lighting an umpteenth cigar & uncorking one last bottle of Champagne) : I promise dear Yvonne. But you’re wrong on one point: I always lived with Charlie – so is the impression I have anyway – I’m like an elder brother to him who can prevent him from committing mistakes.

JFK: That’s what Ike told me the other day at the Roosevelts’ cocktail. According to Dwight Eisenhower, Charles-André didn’t want to become chief of the independent chief forces in Africa for he hadn’t pardoned the British shelling of the Vichy Petainist regime Navy at Mer-el-Kebir in 1943. Ike told me you had to confront him to General Giraud who was willing to, but he hadn’t got Charles-André’s aura.

Winston (winking at JFK): You hit the bull’s eye John Fitzgerald. He considered the British as his enemies as well as the Germans. He must be paranoid…

Queen Victoria: Excuse me Ladies & Gentlemen; let me introduce you to my husband Prince Albert of Saxe Cobourg Gotha.

Winston (rising from his couch & shaking hands with the Prince Consort): There’s a little bit of animation tonight, Your Majesty, but it’s all Victoria’s fault!

Prince Albert: It’s such a pleasure for her to see young people such as “Little Mix”. You know she spent almost all her earth life without me for I died in 1861. Can you imagine the life of a woman at the head of the greatest nation of the world for 40 years?

Winston: I know that perfectly well dear Prince & I had to face such problems myself!

Prince Albert: I appreciate what you did for Great Btritain. You didn’t deserve not to have been reelected in 1945. What did that Labour Party candidate Clement Atlee create for England: big problems such as the Social Welfare…

Queen Victoria (intervening): That’s enough Albert! Let’s join the dance! Sorry Dear Winston, I could have invited you but you won’t budge from your sofa & will just uncork another bottle of Champagne & light a cigar.

Winston (wilily): How did you know? I’m in Heaven now; no one can blame me!

Charlie (supporting Ann): Come on Winston! Move your arse from that bloody sofa! You could dance with Yvonne – she’s looking for a partner!

(The band starts playing Sam Cook’s “Jealous guy”. John Lennon is crooning. What a better ending to that hellish WE in Heaven?)

(Little Mix & John & Henry VIII & his 6 wives but one - Catherine of Aragon what a bore! – take Sir Winston by both arms & to the foot of the nimbus on which the band is playing “Hey Jude”. It’s a real gas in Heaven but let’s leave them to their favourite occupations. We don’t know when the party could end for “time is eternal” according to Albert Einstein who wasn’t invited in this show)

Patrick REMY