Cox and Box

By Arthur Sullivan (music), F. C. Burnand (words)

[This text is designed to accompany the 1982 Opera World video recording of Cox and Box. In other versions the words may be slightly different.]

CHARACTERS

James John Cox A hatter (someone who makes hats)John James Box A printerSergeant Bouncer A retired soldier, now running a lodging house

Scene: A rented room in Bouncer’s lodging house. Cox is looking at himself in a small mirror.

Cox: I’ve half a mind to register an oath1 that I’ll never have my hair cut again! And I was particularly emphatic in my instructions to the hair dresser to cut only the ends off. He must have thought I meant the other ends! Never mind, I shan’t meet anybody to care about so early.2 Eight o’clock, I do declare I haven’t a moment to lose. Fate has placed me with the most punctual, particular, and peremptory of hatters, and I must fulfill my destiny. (There is a knock at the door.) Open locks, whoever knocks!3

Enter Sergeant Bouncer.

Bouncer: Good morning, Colonel Cox.4 I trust you slept comfortable, Colonel.

Cox: I can’t say that I did, Bouncer. I should be much obliged to you, if you could accommodate me with a more protuberant bolster,5 Bouncer. The one I have at present seems to have about a handful and a half of feathers at each end, and nothing whatever in the middle.

Bouncer: Anything to accommodate you,6 Captain Cox.

1 I’ve half a mind to register an oath = I’m thinking about making myself a promise.2 Anybody to care about so early = anyone who is going to be interested in my appearance this early in the morning. 3 Open locks, whoever knocks! = come in!4 Colonel Cox. Cox is not in the army, and of course not a Colonel, but Bouncer likes to give him and Box military titles (like “Colonel,” “Captain,” “Private,” “Brigadier”). 5 A more protuberant bolster = a pillow that is more solid. 6 To accommodate you = to make you comfortable.

1

Cox: Thank you. Then perhaps you’ll be good enough to help me with my toilette.

Bouncer: Certainly. Why, I do declare, you’ve had your hair cut!

Cox: Cut! It strikes me1 I’ve had it mowed! I look as if I’ve been cropped for the Militia—2

Bouncer: Ah, the Militia!—I recollect when I was in the Militia.

Cox: Ah! now he’s off on his hobby.3

Bouncer: We were mounted on chargers.4 I recollect one occasion when I was seated firmly in my saddle for eight hours, and I don’t recollect being able to sit down again firmly for a considerable period afterwards.

Yes, yes, in those merry days,Yes, yes, in those brilliant days,We gathered our laurels5 and rode on our bays,6

We gathered our laurels and rode on our bays.I mounted a horse in Her Majesty’s force,7

As one of the yeomen8 to meet with the foemen,9

For then an invasion threatened the nation.And every man, in the rear, or the van,10

Found an occasion,And every man, in the rear, or the van,Found an occasion to sing............Rataplan!11 Rataplan! Rataplan! Rataplan!Rataplan, plan, plan, plan, plan, plan, plan, plan, plan, plan,Rataplan! plan, plan,Ah! Rataplan! Rataplan!We sounded the trumpet, we beat the drum,Somehow the enemy,Somehow the enemy,

1 It strikes me = it seems to me. 2 Cropped for the Militia = had my hair cut short (“cropped”) for the army (“militia”). New soldiers were “cropped.”3 Off on his hobby = going to talk about his favourite topic (his days in the militia). 4 Chargers = horses trained for use in war. 5 Gathered our laurels = became famous and distinguished (for our heroic actions). 6 Bays = reddish-brown coloured horses. The line includes a joke because “bays” are also the leaves of the laurel tree. 7 Her Majesty’s force = Queen Victoria’s army. 8 The yeomen. A “yeoman” was a man who owned a small amount of land, but Bouncer is probably not being specific: he just means “one of the men.” 9 Foemen = enemy. 10 In the rear, or the van = at the back of the army (“in the rear”), or at the front. 11 Rataplan. This is Bouncer’s favourite word. It is an onomatopoeic word and represents the sound of the military drum.

2

Somehow the enemy didn’t come.So I gave up my horse, in Her Majesty’s force,For there wasn’t a foeman to meet with the yeoman,And so no invasionThreatened the nation,There wasn’t a man,In the rear or the van,Who found an occasionThere wasn’t a man,In the rear or the van,Found an occasion to sing............Rataplan! Rataplan! Rataplan! Rataplan! (etc.)

Cox: Well, this is pleasant. This comes of1 having one’s hair cut. None of my hats will fit me. Oh well (Trying on a hat.), this one appears to me to wobble around rather less than the others, and now I’m off. By the by,2 Bouncer, I wish to know how it is that I frequently find my apartment3 full of smoke?

Bouncer: Why—the chimney, Sir—

Cox: The chimney doesn’t smoke tobacco, Bouncer. I’m speaking of tobacco smoke.

Bouncer: Why—I suppose—that must be it—

Cox: At present, I am entirely of your opinion—for I haven’t the most distinct particle of an idea4 what you mean.

Bouncer: Why, the gentleman in the attics, Sir, is hardly ever without a pipe in his mouth—and he sits there for hours, puffing into the fireplace.

Cox: Ah! then you mean to say that this gentleman’s smoke, instead of emulating the example of all other kinds of smoke, and going up the chimney, thinks proper to affect a singularity5 by taking the contrary direction?

Bouncer: Well—

Cox: Then I suppose the gentleman you are speaking of is the same individual that I invariably meet coming up the stairs when I’m going down, and going down when I’m coming up?

Bouncer: Well—1 This comes of = this is a result of. 2 By the by = by the way, incidentally. 3 Apartment = (rented) room. 4 The most distinct particle of an idea = the slightest idea. 5 Thinks proper to affect a singularity = chooses to be different (in an ostentatious or “affected” way).

3

Cox: From the appearance of his outward man,1 I should unhesitatingly set him down as2 a gentleman connected with the printing interest.3

Bouncer: Yes Sir, and a highly respectable young gentleman he is, too. Good day, Colonel. (Going.)

Cox: (Stopping him.) Stay, Bouncer, stay!To me it has occurred4

That now’s the time with you to have a word.

Bouncer: What can he mean?I tremble, ah! I tremble!

Cox: Listen!

Bouncer: With pleasure.

Cox: Now, coals is coals, as sure as eggs is eggs;Coals haven’t souls, no more than they have legs;5

But,6 as you will admit, the case is so,7

Legs or no legs, my coals contrive to go,8

Contrive to go, contrive to go!But as you will admit,The case is so,That legs or no legs,My coals contrive to go, contrive to go! That two are two, arithmetic explains;Take one from two, and only one remains;Take one from one, and as we have been taught,Remainder9—none, that is remainder—nought,Take one from two,Take one from one,Take one from one, and as we have been taught,Remainder—none, that isRemainder—none, remainder nought.

1 The appearance of his outward man = his physical appearance. 2 Set him down as = identify him as. 3 Interest = industry.4 To me it has occurred = I’ve just had the thought. 5 Coals haven’t souls, no more than they have legs = coals certainly do not have souls, and, in the same way, they do not have legs. 6 But = although. 7 The case is so = this is the situation.8 Contrive to go = somehow manage to vanish. 9 Remainder = that which is left at the end of a mathematical sum or calculation.

4

Bouncer: Well, I should say—or as it seems to me—

Cox: Exactly.

Bouncer: Quite so.

Cox: Then we both agree.

Bouncer: (Going.) As we agree, good day.

Cox: (Stopping him.) I’ve something more to say.

Bouncer: Mister Cox, Mister Cox,My feelings overpower me,1

That his lodger,His friendly lodger,Should once suspect,That Bouncer is—

Cox: A dodger!2

Bouncer: As to who takes your coals, wood, and all that,It must have been—

Cox: No! No! ’Twas3 not the cat!

Bouncer: Rataplan, Rataplan,I’m a military man,Rough, honest,I hope, though unpolished,4

And I’ll bet you a hat,5

That as to the cat,The cat in the Army’s abolished!6

Cox: Rataplan, Rataplan,You’re a military man,Honest, I hope,Though it doesn’t appear,7

And as to the cat,

1 My feelings overpower me = I’m very upset. 2 Dodger = trickster, deceiver. 3 ’Twas = it was.4 Unpolished = not refined or elegant. 5 And I’ll bet you a hat = and I’ll give you a hat if I’m wrong in saying… 6 The cat in the Army’s abolished! = the army is no longer keeping their cat (therefore the cat is stealing things around Bouncer’s house). 7 Though it doesn’t appear = though I can’t see much evidence of it (Bouncer’s honesty).

5

The treacherous cat,If it isn’t in the Army,Don’t have it here!

Bouncer: Rataplan!

Cox: Rataplan!

Bouncer: Rataplan!

Cox: Rataplan! Both: Rataplan, Rataplan, Rataplan, plan, plan. (etc.)

Bouncer: Rataplan! Rataplan! I’m a military man.

Cox: Rataplan! Rataplan! He’s a military man,

Bouncer: I’m a military man,

Cox: He’s a military man,

Bouncer: A military, military, mili – tary, military, military, Cox: A very military man, a ┐Military man. Military man. ┘

They repeat the song, now singing their parts together. Exit Cox.

Bouncer: He’s gone at last! I was all of a tremble for fear1 that Mr. Box should come in before Mr. Cox went out. Luckily they’ve never met yet—and what’s more, they’re never likely to do so; for Mr. Box is hard at work at a newspaper office all night, and doesn’t come home until the morning, and Mr. Cox is making hats all day, and doesn’t come home till the night; so I’m getting double rent for me2 room, and neither of my lodgers is any the wiser for it.3 It was a grand idea of mine—that it was! But I haven’t an instant to lose. Hurry up! First of all, get Mr. Cox’s things out of Mr. Box’s way. (The room is rearranged.) Now, to put the key where Mr. Cox likes to find it. Come on, the bed, the bed, the bed—and don’t let me forget that what’s the head of the bed for Colonel Cox, becomes the foot of the bed for Private Box—people’s tastes do differ so. (Holding up a very thin pillow and laughing.) The

1 I was all of a tremble for fear = I was very frightened. 2 Me = my. 3 Is any the wiser for it = knows about it (my deception).

6

idea of Colonel Cox presuming to complain about such a bolster as that!

Outside the house Box bumps into Cox.

Box: Why don’t you keep your own side1 of the staircase, Sir?

Cox: Excuse me, Sir, it was not my fault.

Box: (Entering the room and shouting through the window.) It was as much your fault as mine Sir, I say Sir, it was as much your fault as mine Sir! Damn it!

Bouncer: Lor,2 Mr. Box! what’s the matter?

Box: Mind your own business, Bouncer!

Bouncer: Dear, dear Mr. Box! What a temper you’re in,3 to be sure! I declare, you’re quite pale in the face!

Box: What colour would you have a man to be,4 who has been setting up long leaders5 for a daily paper all night?

Bouncer: Yes, but you’ve all the rest of the day to yourself.

Box: So it seems! far be it from me,6 Bouncer, to hurry your movements, but I think it right to acquaint you with my immediate intention of divesting myself of my garments7 and going to bed.

Bouncer: Yes, Sir. (Going.)

Box: Stop! Can you inform me who the individual is that I invariably encounter going down stairs when I’m coming up, and coming up stairs when I’m going down?

Bouncer: The gentleman in the attic.

Box: Oh! There’s nothing particularly remarkable about him, except his hats. I meet him in all sorts of hats—white hats and black hats, hats with broad

1 Keep your own side = keep on your own side. 2 Lor = Lord, God (an exclamation of surprise). 3 What a temper you’re in = how angry you are. 4 Would you have a man be = would you expect a man to be. Box is being sarcastic. 5 Leaders = leading articles. These were articles expressing the editorial opinions of the “daily paper” for which Box works. 6 Far be it from me = I would not presume. Box is being ironically polite. 7 Divesting myself of my garments = taking off my clothes.

7

brims, and hats with narrow brims, hats with naps,1 and hats without naps—in short, I have come to the conclusion that he must be individually and professionally associated with the hatting interest.2

Bouncer: Yes, Sir. And that’s why they tell me he took the hattics!

Box: Out!

Exit Bouncer.

Box: It’s quite extraordinary the trouble I always have to get rid of that venerable warrior.3 He knows I’m up all night, and yet he seems to set his face against4 my indulging in a horizontal position5 by day. Now, let me see—shall I take my nap before I swallow my breakfast, or shall I take my breakfast before I swallow my nap—no, I mean shall I swallow my—oh no—never mind! Now let me see. I’ve got a rasher of bacon somewhere—(Feeling in his pockets.)—I’ve the most distinct and vivid recollection of having purchased a rasher of bacon—hah! here it is—and a penny roll.6 The next thing is to light the fire. (Picks up the matches.) Now, ’pon my life,7 this is too bad of Bouncer—this is by several degrees too bad!8 I had a whole box full, three days ago, and there’s only one! I’m perfectly aware that he purloins9 my coals, and my candles, and my sugar—but I did think—oh yes, I did think that my lucifers10 would be sacred.11 (Lights the fire, then takes down a gridiron.12) Bouncer has been using my gridiron! The last article of consumption13 that I cooked upon it was a pork chop, and now it is powerfully impregnated with the odour of red herrings! (Places gridiron on fire, and lays rasher of bacon on the gridiron.) I’m so tired. I’d take a nap, if only there was someone here to superintend the turning of my bacon. Oh well. Perhaps it will turn itself.

1 With naps = with shiny, glossy surfaces. 2 The hatting interest = the hatting industry, the people who make hats. 3 To get rid of that venerable warrior = to get that old soldier out of my room.4 Set his face against = be determined to prevent. 5 Indulging in a horizontal position = sleeping. 6 A penny roll = a bread roll costing one penny. 7 ’Pon my life = upon my life, truly.8 By several degrees too bad = much too bad. 9 Purloins = steals. 10 Lucifers = matches. Friction matches, first invented in the 1820s, were sold as “Lucifers.” 11 Sacred = safe from Bouncer (because of their value). 12 Gridiron = frying pan. 13 Article of consumption = piece of food.

8

Hushed is the bacon on the grid,1

I’ll take a nap and close my eye,Soon shall I be nodding, nodding nid,Nid nodding,2 nodding, nodding, nodding,Singing lullaby, lullaby, lullaby,Lulla, lulla, lulla, lulla, lullaby.Hush a bye3 bacon, on the coal top,Till I awaken, there you will stop. Hush a bye bacon, on the coal top,Lullaby (etc.)

Sleep, gentle bacon, smoke amid,4

Which, circling up, smiles on the fry,5

While I am nodding, nodding nid,Nid nodding, nodding, nodding, nodding.Singing lullaby, etc.

Box goes to the bed and falls asleep. Cox appears outside.

Cox: My master is punctual always in business,Unpunctuality, even slight, is in hisEyes such a crime that on showing my phiz6 in hisShop, I thought there’d be the devil to pay,7

Shop, I thought there’d be the devil to pay.

My aged employer, with his physiognomy8

Shining from soap like a star in astronomy,Said “Mister Cox, you’ll oblige me and honour me,9

If you will take this as your holiday,If you will take this as your holiday.”

Visions of Brighton10 and back, and of Rosherville,11

Cheap fare excursions12 already the squash I feel,13

1 Grid = gridiron. 2 Nid nodding = nodding repeatedly. 3 Hush a bye = sleep quietly. 4 Smoke amid = in the middle of the smoke (from the cooking). 5 The fry = that which is frying, the bacon.6 Phiz = face. 7 I thought there’d be the devil to pay = I though he’d be angry and punish me (because I was late). 8 Physiognomy = face. 9 You’ll oblige me and honour me = you’ll please me very much; you’ll do me a favour. 10 Brighton. A fashionable town on the south coast of England. Cox is thinking of where he might go for the day. 11 Rosherville. A small village on the River Thames, to the east of London. A popular place with tourists. 12 Cheap fare excursions = cheap return tickets (on the railways). 13 Already the squash I feel = I can imagine how crowded the train will be (making the passengers feel “squashed”).

9

Fearing the rain, put on my Mackintosh I vill,1

Now for my breakfast, my light de-jeu-nay,2

Now for my breakfast, my light de-jeu-nay.

Cox: I bought a mutton3 chop, so I shan’t want any dinner.4 Good gracious! I’ve forgot the bread. (Sees Box’s roll.) Hallo! What’s this? a roll, I do declare. Come, that’s lucky! And now to light the fire. Hallo—who presumes5 to touch my box of lucifers? Why, it’s empty! I left one in it—I’ll take an oath I did. Heyday!6 the fire is lighted! And what’s that on it? Bacon? Bacon it is! Well, now, ’pon my life, there is a quiet coolness about Bouncer’s proceedings that is almost amusing. He takes my last Lucifer—my coals— and my gridiron, to cook his breakfast by! No, no—I cannot stand that! Come out of that! (He puts the bacon on a plate, then places his chop on the gridiron, which he puts on the fire.) And now for my breakfast things.

Exit Cox through the door on the left. The door shuts with a bang.

Box: (Waking up.) Is that you Bouncer? Come in! I wonder how long I’ve been asleep! (Suddenly recollecting.) Goodness gracious!—my bacon! (Leaps off bed and runs to the fireplace.) Hallo! what’s this? A chop? Whose chop? Bouncer’s, I’ll be bound.7 He thought to cook8 his breakfast while I was asleep—with my coals, too—and my gridiron. But where’s my bacon? (Seeing it on the table.) Here it is! Well, ’pon my life, Bouncer’s going it!9 And shall I curb my indignation?10 Shall I falter in my vengeance?11 No! Depart O dreaded12 chop! (He throws the chop out of the window.)

Man Outside: I say Sir, what’s going on up there?

Box: Sorry, Sir, it was an accident. So much for Bouncer’s breakfast, and now for my own! (He puts the bacon on the gridiron again.)

Exit Box through the door on the right, humming his last song. Enter Cox through the door on the left. 1 Put on my Mackintosh I vill = I will put on my raincoat. Cox speaks with a German pronunciation. 2 De-jeu-nay = dejeuner, the French word for lunch (which Cox deliberately mispronounces). In French a breakfast is called a petit dejeuner. 3 Mutton = lamb. 4 Dinner = a meal eaten in the middle of the day (what we would now call lunch). 5 Presumes = dares. 6 Heyday! = what! (an exclamation of surprise). 7 I’ll be bound = I’m certain. 8 He thought to cook = he thought he could cook; he presumed to cook. 9 Going it = being extremely audacious. 10 Shall I curb my indignation? = shall I control, or limit, my anger? Box here speaks in the exaggerated, theatrical way that both he and Cox will often use in the rest of Cox and Box. 11 Shall I falter in my vengeance? = shall I hesitate before taking revenge?12 Dreaded = dreadful, terrible.

10

Cox: (Suddenly recollecting.) Goodness gracious! My chop! (Running to fire-place.) Hallo!—What’s this? The bacon again! Oh, pooh!1 Zounds!2— dash it—damn it—confound it3—come out of that! (He throws the bacon out of the window.)

Man Outside: I say Sir, that’s the second time you’ve done that.

Cox: That is not the second time I’ve done that, Sir. And now for something to eat.

Cox is heading to the door on the left when he sees Box coming out of the door on the right.

Cox: Who are you, Sir? Tell me who?

Box: If it comes to that,4 Sir, who are you?

Cox: Who are you, Sir?

Box: What’s that to you,5 Sir?

Cox: What’s that to who, Sir?

Box: Who, Sir? You, Sir!

Cox: Who are you, Sir?

Box: Who are you, Sir?

Cox: Tell me who, Sir?

Box: Tell me who, Sir?

Cox: Who are you, Sir?

Both: Who are you, Sir?Tell me who, Sir? (etc.)

Cox: Yes, ’tis6 the printer!

1 Pooh. A meaningless word used to express anger or contempt. 2 Zounds! = by God’s wounds (a swear word, something like “Jesus!”). 3 Dash it—damn it—confound it. The three expressions mean more or less the same thing, and are all used to express anger. 4 If it comes to that = if you are asking that. 5 What’s that to you? = what business do you have asking this question? why do you want to know who I am?6 ’Tis = it is.

11

Box: Yes, ’tis the hatter!

Both: Yes, ’tis the printer / hatter!

Printer, printer, take a hint-er, / Hatter, hatter, cease your clatter,1

Leave the room or else shall I,Vainly struggle with the fire,2

With the raging fierce desire,To do you an injury, an injury!

Cox: Printer, printer, take a hint-er (etc.) … go! ┐│

Box: Hatter, hatter cease your clatter (etc.) … go! ┘

Box: What are you doing in my room?

Cox: Your room!If on that you’re bent,3

Here is my receipt for rent.

Box: Your receipt is very fine.If you come to that, Sir,Here is mine!

Cox: Thieves!

Box: Murder!

Cox: Bouncer!

Both: He can settle the hatter/printer,Turn out the man!4

Bouncer! Bouncer! (etc.)

Enter Bouncer and others.

Bouncer and chorus: Rataplan! Rataplan! Rataplan! Rataplan! Rataplan! Rataplan!Rataplan, plan, plan, plan, etc.

Box: Instantly remove that hatter!

1 Cease your clatter = stop your silly talk. 2 Or else shall I, / Vainly struggle with the fire = otherwise I will be unable to resist this fire inside me (the “fire” being a desire to hurt the other person). 3 If on that you’re bent = if that’s your idea. 4 Turn out the man! = make this man leave the house!

12

Cox: Immediately turn out that printer!

Bouncer: Well—gentlemen—

Cox: Explain!

Box: Explain! Whose room is this?

Cox: Doesn’t it belong to me?

Bouncer: No!

Box: There! You hear, Sir—it belongs to me!

Bouncer: No—it belongs to both of you!

Cox and Box: Both of us!

Bouncer: Don’t be angry, gents,1 but you see, this gentleman (Pointing at Box.)only being at home in the day time, and that gentleman (Pointing at Cox.) at night, I thought I might venture,2 until my little back second floor room was ready—

Cox and Box: (Eagerly.) When will your little back second floor room be ready?

Bouncer: Tomorrow—

Cox: I’ll take it!

Box: So will I!

Bouncer: Excuse me—but if you both take it, you might as well just stop3 where you are.

Cox and Box: True.

Cox: I spoke first, Sir—

Box: With all my heart, Sir. The little back second floor room is yours, Sir—now go—

Cox: Go? Pooh—pooh!4

1 Gents = gentleman (a familiar abbreviation). 2 Venture = risk, take the risk (of giving them the same room).3 Stop = stay. 4 Pooh! Cox likes this expression. See note on page 10.

13

Bouncer: Now gentlemen, don’t quarrel. You see, there used to be a partition here—

Cox and Box: Then put it up!

Bouncer: Ah no! I’ll see if I can’t get the other room ready this very day. Now officers and gentlemen don’t fight, so keep your tempers.

Cox and Box: Out! Out!

Box sits down at the table. Cox walks around the room.

Cox: What a disgusting position!

Box: Will you allow me to observe,1 if you have not had any exercise today, you had better go out and take it?

Cox: I shall do nothing of the sort, Sir.

Box: Very well, Sir.

Cox: Very well, Sir. However, don’t allow me to prevent you from going out.

Box: Don’t flatter yourself, Sir. (Cox comes to the table and is about to break a piece of the roll off.) Hallo! That’s my roll, Sir! (Box snatches it away then lights his pipe.)

Cox: What are you about,2 Sir?

Box: What am I about? I’m about to smoke.

Cox: Yuck!

Cox opens the windows.

Box: Hallo! Close those windows, Sir!

Cox: Then you put out that pipe, Sir!

Box: (Putting his pipe out.) There!

Cox: (Closing windows.) There!

Box: I shall retire to my pillow.

1 Observe = say. 2 What are you about? = what are you doing?

14

Box goes to the bed. Cox gets there first, so Box sits on him.

Cox: I beg your pardon, Sir—but I cannot allow anyone to rumple my bed.

Box: Your bed? Hark ye,1 can you fight?

Cox: No, Sir.

Box: No? Then come on! (He spars at2 Cox.)

Cox: Sit down, Sir—or I will immediately vociferate3 “Police!”

Box sits next to Cox on the bed.

Box: I say, Sir—

Cox: Well, Sir?

Box: Although we are doomed4 to occupy the same room for a few hours longer, I don’t see any necessity for our cutting each other’s throat, Sir.

Cox: No Sir! It is an operation that I should decidedly5 object to.

Box: And, after all, I have no violent animosity against you, Sir.

Cox: Nor do I have any rooted6 antipathy towards you, Sir.

Box: Besides, it was all Bouncer’s fault, Sir.

Cox: Entirely, Sir.

Box: Very well, Sir!

Cox: Very well, Sir!

They hug, then sit down at the table.

Box: Take a bit of roll,7 Sir?

Cox: Why, thank ye, Sir.

1 Hark ye = listen.2 Spars at = throws punches toward (challenging him to fight). 3 Vociferate = start shouting. 4 Doomed = forced. 5 Decidedly = very much. 6 Rooted = deep, well established. 7 Take a bit of roll? = would you like a piece of roll?

15

Box: Do you sing, Sir?

Cox: I sometimes dabble in a serenade.1

Box: Then dabble away.

Cox: The buttercup dwells2 on the lowly mead,3

The daisy is bright4 to see;But brighter far5 are the eyes that readThe thoughts in the heart of me.I come by night, I come by day,I come in the morn6 to sing my lay;7

I know my notes, I count each bar,And I play a tune on the gay guitar.

Box: Fiddle-iddle-dum,8

Cox: Fiddle-iddle-dum,

Box: Fiddle-iddle-dum,

Cox: Fiddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-dum,Fiddle-iddle-dum, Fiddle-iddle-dum, Fiddle-iddle-dum,

Box: I come by night, I come by day, ┐I come in the morn to sing my lay; │I know my notes, I count each bar, │And I’ve learnt a tune on the gay guitar, │On the gay guitar, on the gay guitar; │I know my notes, I count each bar, │I’ve learnt a tune on the gay guitar. │

│Cox: Fiddle-iddle-dum, fiddle-iddle-dum, etc. ┘

Box: The floweret9 shines on the minaret fair,10

The dahlia waves in the breeze,1 I sometimes dabble in a serenade = I sometimes sing a love song, but not in a serious or professional way. 2 Dwells= lives, grows. 3 Lowly mead = humble meadow. 4 Bright = beautiful. 5 But brighter far = but much more beautiful. 6 Morn = morning. 7 Lay = song. 8 Fiddle-iddle-dum. These words have no meaning. They simply supply a rhythm for the song. 9 Floweret = little flower. 10 Minaret fair = beautiful tower. The imaginary lady to whom this song is addressed is apparently imagined as living in this tower.

16

The cockchafer sighs in the midnight air,The dicky-bird1 sings in the trees;I come by night, I come by day,I never, ah never, can stay away, If you the guitar can sweetly do,2

I play on the concertina, the concertina too.

Cox: Fiddle-iddle-dum, etc.

Box: I come by night, I come by day, etc.

Box: Have you read this month’s Bradshaw,3 Sir?

Cox: No, Sir—my wife wouldn’t let me.

Box: Your wife!

Cox: That is—my intended wife.4

Box: Well, that’s the same thing! I congratulate you.

Cox: Why, thank you, Sir. You needn’t trouble yourself,5 she won’t come here.

Box: Oh! I understand. You’ve got a snug little establishment of your own here—on the sly6—cunning dog—

Cox: (Annoyed.) No such thing, Sir—I repeat, Sir, no such thing, Sir; my wife—that is my intended wife—happens to be the proprietor of a considerable number of bathing machines—7

Box: (Suddenly.) Ha! Where?

Cox: At a favourite watering place.8 How curious you are!

Box: Not at all. Well?

1 Dicky-bird = small bird. 2 If you the guitar can sweetly do = if you can play the guitar nicely. 3 Bradshaw = Bradshaw’s Monthly Rail Guide. First published in 1841, this was a combination of a magazine and railway timetable. It was designed to promote interest in rail travel. 4 My intended wife = the woman I am going to marry. 5 You needn’t trouble yourself = don’t worry. 6 On the sly = in secret. Box suggests that Cox rents this room without telling his fiancée about it—and is therefore able to have affairs with other women. 7 Bathing machines. These were wooden huts on wheels for use by swimmers. The huts would be pulled down to the water, so the person swimming could change into their swimming clothes in the hut, then step straight into the sea. They were popular in the Victorian period as they allowed swimmers to have more privacy. 8 Watering place = seaside resort.

17

Cox: Consequently, in the bathing season—which luckily, is rather a long one—we see but little1of each other; but now that is all over, I am indulging myself in the expectation of being blessed2 with the sight of my beloved. Are you married, Sir?

Box: Me? Why—not exactly.

Cox: Ah—a happy bachelor?

Box: Why—not precisely.

Cox: Oh! A widower?

Box: No—not absolutely!

Cox: You’ll excuse me, Sir—but, at present, I don’t exactly understand how you can help3 being one of the three.

Box: Not help it?

Cox: No—not you, nor any other man alive!

Box: Ah, that may be—but I’m not alive!

Cox: (Shocked.) You’ll excuse me, Sir—but I do not like joking upon suchsubjects.

Box: But I am perfectly serious, Sir. I’ve been defunct4 for the last three years!

Cox: (Angry.) Will you be quiet, Sir!

Box: If you won’t believe me, I’ll refer you to5 a very large, numerous, and respectable circle of disconsolate friends.

Cox: My dear Sir—my very dear Sir—if there does exist any ingenious contrivance whereby a man on the eve of committing matrimony can leave this world, and yet stop in it,6 I shouldn’t be sorry to know it.

Box: Then there’s nothing more easy. Do as I did.

1 We see but little = we see (only) little. Cox sees his fiancée little because she has to be at the “watering place” during the summer months. 2 Blessed = made happy. Cox is, of course, being ironic. 3 Help = avoid. 4 Defunct = dead. 5 I’ll refer you to = I’ll show you (as evidence). 6 Whereby a man on the eve of committing matrimony can leave this world, and yet stop in it = which will allow a man who is about to get married to seem to die (“leave this world”), while actually staying alive.

18

Cox: (Eagerly.) I will! What is it?

Box: Drown yourself!

Cox: (Angry again.) Will you be quiet!

Box: Listen—Not long ago it was my fateTo captivate a widow1

At Ramsgate.2

Cox: I, ’tis odd to state,3

The same at Margate4 did, oh!

Box: By her not liking to be kissed5

I thought I’d better try toIn the Life Guards or Blues enlist.6

Cox: How odd! And so did I too!

Box: I was not tall enough, they said.

Cox: Too short they said, of me.

Box: The infantry I entered in.7

Cox: And I the infantree.

Box: My widow offered to purchaseMy discharge8 from the marching line, oh!

Cox: How odd, coincidentally,The very same did mine, oh!

Box: I hesitated to consent,1 To captivate a widow = to have a widow fall in love with me. 2 Ramsgate = a small seaside town east of London. 3 ’Tis odd to state = it’s strange to say. 4 Margate = another small seaside town, very close to Ramsgate. 5 By her not liking to be kissed = as I didn’t like being kissed by her; as I didn’t want her love. 6 In the Life Guards or Blues enlist = join the army, specifically the regiments of Life Guards or Blues. These are cavalry regiments. 7 The infantry I entered in. Because Box was considered too short to join a cavalry regiment he joined an infantry regiment instead. 8 Discharge. When someone had joined the army they had to either serve for a certain number of years or pay a sum of money to leave early (a “discharge”). When the widow realizes Box is in the army she offers to pay his discharge.

19

For my consent she waited.I gave it.

Cox: Ah! With mine I went,And never hesitated.

Box: The happy day came near at length,1

We hoped it would be sunny,I found I needed all my strengthTo face the ceremony.I suddenly found outI was unworthy to possess her,2

I told her so at once because I fearedIt might distress her.Before the words were out of my mouth,There came from the North and flew to the South,A something that came unpleasantly near,Clattering, spattering, battering, shattering,Dashing, clashing, smashing, flashing, slashingCrashing, missing, but whizzing right past my ear.It shattered itself on the mantelpiece—whop!

Cox: What was it?

Box: Ah! tremble,3 the basin called Slop.4

It fell at my feet, it would have put theBack of a man who was ever so meek up.5

So being thus baited,6

I retaliated,And hurled at my widow a crockery teacup.

Cox: Between you, then, there was a fraction?7

Box: And I was threatened with an action!8

Cox: O ciel!9 Proceed.1 The happy day came near at length = eventually the wedding day was close. 2 I was unworthy to possess her = I was not good enough for a woman like her. 3 Tremble = be afraid. 4 The basin called Slop = the basin in which the slops were put. The “slops” was the dirty water of the house, that is, water from the cooking, cleaning, etc. 5 It would have put the / Back of a man who was ever so meek up = this action (throwing the slops) would have offended even a very meek man. 6 Baited = insulted. 7 A fraction = a breaking up, a separation. 8 An action = a legal action. Box had promised to marry the widow, so she threatened to sue him for breaking his promise. 9 O ciel = O heavens! Oh my God!

20

Box: One morn, when I had finished my ablution,1

I took—

Cox: A walk?

Box: No, Sir, a resolution.I tie up my clothes,My shirt and my hose,2

My socks for my toes,My linen for nose,3

I think of my woes,And under the rose4

I pack up my bundle, and off I goes.

Cox: Aha! I see you left in a tiff!5

Box: Listen,I solemnly walked to the cliff,And singing a sort of a dulcet dirge,6

Put down my bundle upon the verge,7

Heard the wild seagull’s mournful cry,Looked all around, there was nobody nigh,8

None but I on the cliff so high,And all save the sea9 was bare and dry,And I took one look on the wave below,And I raised my hands in an agony throe,10

And I stood on the edge of the rock so steep,And I gazed like a maniac on the deep.11

I cried: “Farewell, farewell to earth,Farewell, farewell to the land of my birth,Farewell, farewell to my only love,To the sea below, and the sky above.”With a glance at the sea of wild despair,I cried, “I come;”My bundle lay there,

1 Ablution = washing (toilette). 2 Hose = trousers, pants. 3 My linen for nose = my hankerchiefs. 4 Under the rose = secretly (the meaning comes from the Latin phrase sub rosa). 5 In a tiff = still angry about the quarrel. 6 Dulcet dirge = pleasing funeral song (a “dirge” is a song for the dead). 7 The verge = the very edge of the cliff. 8 Nigh = near. 9 And all save the sea = and everything except the sea. 10 In an agony throe = with a feeling of agony. 11 The deep = the sea.

21

Just at the edge, where the coastguard’s way was chalked,12

Then away—in the opposite way I walked.

Cox: What a clever man,What a capital2 plan,I’ve listened with attention,I think that IShould like to tryYour wonderful invention.

Both: What a clever man,What a capital plan,I’ve/You’ve listened with attention.

Cox: I think that I should like to try your wonderful invention. ┐│

Box: If you like it why should you not try my wonderful invention? ┘

Cox: Ingenious creature!3 You disappeared—the suit of clothes was found—

Box: And in one of the pockets of the coat there was also found a piece of paper with these affecting farewell words:—“This is thy work, oh, Penelope Ann!”

Cox: Penelope Ann?

Box: Penelope Ann.

Cox: Originally widow of William Wiggins?

Box: Widow of William Wiggins!

Cox: Proprietor of bathing machines?

Box: Proprietor of bathing machines!

Cox: At Margate?

Box: And Ramsgate.

Cox: It must be she! And you, Sir—you are Box—the lamented, long lost Box!

Box: I am!12 Where the coastguard’s way was chalked = where the path was marked for the coastguard to follow. The coastguard was responsible for patrolling the cliffs. Box deliberately leaves his clothes where the coastguard can find them, so that he will be reported as having committed suicide. 2 Capital = excellent. 3 Ingenious creature! = clever man!

22

Cox: And to think that I was about to marry the creature you so cruelly deceived.

Box: Ah! Then you are Cox!

Cox: I am!

Box: I congratulate you. I give you joy!1 And now, I think I’ll go and take a stroll.

Cox: Oh no you don’t. I’ll not lose sight of you till I’ve restored you to your intended.2

Box: My intended! You mean your intended.

Cox: No, Sir—yours!

Box: How can she be my intended, now that I am drowned?

Cox: You are no such thing, Sir! And besides I prefer presenting you to Penelope Ann. Allow me to follow the generous impulse of my nature—I give her up to you.

Box: Benevolent being! I wouldn’t rob you for the world!3 (Going.) Good morning, Sir!

Cox: (Seizing him.) Stop!

Box: Unhand me,4 hatter! or I shall cast off the lamb and assume the lion!5

Cox: Pooh! (He snaps his fingers in Box’s face.)

Box: An insult! to my very face6—under my very nose! You know the consequences, Sir—instant satisfaction,7 Sir!

Cox: With all my heart, Sir!

Both: Bouncer! Bouncer!1 I give you joy! = I wish you happiness!2 Intended = fiancée. 3 I wouldn’t rob you for the world! = I wouldn’t steal Penelope Ann from you for anything—not even the whole world. 4 Unhand me = take your hands off me. 5 Cast off the lamb and assume the lion! = stop acting like a (gentle) lamb and start acting like a (fierce) lion!6 To my very face = made in as clear and obvious way as possible. 7 Instant satisfaction = an immediate duel. By the 1860s dueling seldom took place in Britain, but in the early 1800s it was common for upper class men to fight with swords or pistols if one of them had insulted the other. People of Cox and Box’s social class almost never fought duels, so in this scene they are really imitating the behaviour of the upper classes.

23

Enter Bouncer.

Bouncer: What is it, gentlemen?

Box: Pistols for two!

Bouncer: Yes, Sir.

Box: Stop! You don’t mean to say, thoughtless and misguided militiaman,1 that you keep loaded firearms in the house?

Bouncer: Oh no, Sir—they’re not loaded.

Box: Then produce the murderous weapons instantly. (Exit Bouncer.) I say, Sir!

Cox: Well, Sir?

Box: What’s your opinion of dueling, Sir?

Cox: I think it is a barbarous practice, Sir.

Box: So do I, Sir. To be sure, I don’t so much object to it when the pistols are not loaded.

Cox: No, Sir: that does make some slight difference.

Box: And yet, Sir—on the other hand—doesn’t it strike you as2 rather a waste of time, for two people to keep firing pistols at one another with nothing in ’em.3

Cox: No, Sir—no more than any other harmless recreation.

Box: Hark ye,4 Sir! Why do you object to marry Penelope Ann?

Cox: Because, as I have already observed, I cannot abide her.5 You’ll be happy with her.

Box: Happy? me? with the consciousness that I have deprived you of such a treasure? No, no, Cox!

1 Militiaman = (ex-)soldier.2 Doesn’t it strike you as = doesn’t it seem to you to be. 3 ’Em = them.4 Hark ye = listen. 5 I can’t abide her = I can’t put up with her; I can’t stand her; I really don’t like her!

24

Cox: Don’t think of me, Box—I shall be sufficiently rewarded with the knowledge of my Box’s happiness.

Box: Don’t be absurd, Sir.

Cox: Then don’t you be ridiculous, Sir.

Box: I won’t have her!

Cox: No more will I.

Box: I have it! Suppose we draw lots1 for the lady—eh, Mr. Cox?

Cox: That’s fair enough, Mr. Box.

Box: Or what do you say to dice?

Cox: (Eagerly.) With all my heart! Dice by all means.2

Box: Come on then!

They go to a nearby pub.

Box: (Aside.) That’s lucky! Bouncer’s nephew left a pair behind. He sometimespersuades me to have a throw, and as he always throws sixes, I suspect they’re good ones.3

Cox: (Aside.) I lost a lot of money at the races4 to a gentleman who had a most peculiar knack of throwing sixes—I suspected they were loaded,5 so I gave him another half a crown6 and he gave me the dice.

Box: Now then, Sir!

Cox: Very well, Sir! I’m ready, Sir. Shall you lead off 7 or shall I?

Box: As you please. The lowest throw, of course, wins Penelope Ann?

Cox: Of course, Sir!

1 Draw lots = use some lucky device to see who is the winner (or loser). This typically meant selecting from a number of straws, one of them cut shorter than the others. Whoever chose the short straw was the loser. 2 Dice by all means = certainly dice. 3 Good ones = weighted dice (dice designed so that they will always fall with the sixes up). 4 Races = horse races. At horse races there would usually be a lot of other gambling and betting activities. 5 They were loaded = the dice were weighted (see note 3 above). 6 Half a crown = 30p. 7 Lead off = begin.

25

Box: Very well, Sir!

Cox: Very well, Sir!

They start throwing the dice.

Box: Sixes.

Cox: That’s a good throw for you… sixes.

Box: That’s not a bad one too… sixes.

Cox: Sixes.

Box: Sixes.

Cox: Sixes.

Box: Very good dice. Yours, Sir, are nice,Suppose we arrange (if it suits you) to change?1

Cox: Oh! very well, that I will do,To please a gentleman such as you.

Box: Sixes.

Cox: Sixes.

Box: Sixes.

Cox: Sixes.

Both: Oh! this is absurd, I never have heardOf such wonderful throws as I’ve seen with those.Oh! this is absurd, I never have heardOf such wonderful throws as I’ve seen with those.

Box: Sixes.

Cox: Sixes.

Both: Looks like tricksies!2

Box: Sixes.

1 To change = to change dice, swap dice. 2 Tricksies = a trick, a deception.

26

Cox: Sixes.

Both: Looks like tricksies!With such a throw there’s nobody canEver settle the case of Penelope Ann,1

With such a throw there’s nobody canEver settle the case of Penelope Ann,Of Penelope, elope, nelope, elope Ann.

Box: It’s perfectly absurd your going on throwing sixes in this sort of way.

Cox: I shall go on till my luck changes.

Box: I have it—suppose we toss for the lady.2

Cox: With all my heart.

Cox: (Aside.) Where’s my tossing sixpence?

Box: (Aside.) Where’s my lucky shilling?3

Cox: Where’s my tossing sixpence? ┐│

Box: Where’s my lucky shilling? ┘

Box: Now then, Sir—heads win?

Cox: Or tails lose—whichever you prefer.

Box: It’s the same to me, Sir.

Cox: Very well, Sir. Heads, I win—tails, you lose.

Box: Yes!—No! Heads win, Sir.

Cox: Very well, Sir—go on!

Box: Head!

Cox: Head!

Box: Head!

1 Ever settle the case of Penelope Ann = ever decide who is going to marry Penelope Ann. 2 Toss for the lady = toss a coin to decide who will win the lady. 3 Shilling = a coin worth 12p.

27

Cox: Couldn’t you say something else instead!

Box: Head!

Cox: Head!

Box: I wish an occasional tail you’d try.

Cox: Head!

Box: Head!

Cox: Head!

Box: I nail your sixpence;1

Hallo! it’s got no tail!I’ve a mind to put you out on the leads!2

Cox: (Looking at Box’s shilling.) Your shilling, I find, has got two heads!

Both: You swindler, you cheat, take care of my feet,3

Out of the pub, Sir,And into the street. (They go into the street.)Turn me out, try it,That is if you can.Swindler, cheat, vagabond,4 swindler, cheat.

Box: You swindler!

Cox: Cheat!

Box: Vagabond!

Cox: Thief!

Box: Swindler!

Cox: Cheat!

Box: Vagabond!

1 I nail your sixpence = I’ve got your sixpence and demand to look at it!2 Put you out on the leads = throw you out onto the roof. In the original version of Cox and Box this scene took place in Cox and Box’s room, which makes the idea easier to understand. 3 Take care of my feet = be careful, or I will kick you. 4 Vagabond = worthless person, rascal.

28

Cox: Thief!

Both: Bouncer!

Bouncer appears at a window.

Bouncer: Rataplan! Rataplan!Rataplan, rataplan, rataplan, rataplan.

Cox and Box: Is the little back second floor room ready?

Bouncer: Not quite, gentlemen. And I can’t find the pistols. But I have a letter for you—it came by the General Post1 yesterday. I can’t understand how I came to forget it, for I put it carefully in my pocket.

Cox: And you’ve kept it carefully in your pocket ever since.

Bouncer: Yes, Sir. Forgive me, Sir. And by the by,2 I paid two pence for it.

Cox: Did you? Then I do forgive you.

Exit Bouncer.

Cox: “Margate.” The postmark decidedly3 says “Margate.”

Box: Oh, doubtless a tender epistle from Penelope Ann.

Cox: Then read it, Sir. (Handing the letter to Box.)

Box: Me, Sir?

Cox: You don’t suppose I’m going to read a letter from your intended!

Box: My intended! Pooh! It’s addressed to you—COX.

Cox: Do you think that’s a “C”? It looks like a “B” to me!

Box: Nonsense! Fracture the seal!4

Cox: (Looking at letter.) Goodness gracious!5

1 By the General Post = from the Post Office (as opposed to being delivered by someone else). 2 By the by = by the way, incidentally. 3 Decidedly = clearly. 4 Fracture the seal = break the seal, open the letter. 5 Goodness gracious! = good God!

29

Box: (Looking at letter.) Gracious goodness!1

Cox: (Reading.) “Margate—May the 4th. Sir,—I hasten to convey2 to you the intelligence3 of a melancholy accident, which has bereft you of your intended wife.” He means your intended!

Box: No, yours! However, it’s perfectly immaterial.4 Go on.

Cox: “Poor Mrs. Wiggins went out for a short excursion in a sailing boat—a sudden and violent squall5 soon after took place, which, it is supposed, upset her,6 as she was found, two days afterwards, keel upwards.”

Box: Poor woman!

Cox: The boat, Sir! “As her man of business, I immediately proceeded toexamine her papers, amongst which I soon discovered her will; the following extract from which, will, I have no doubt, be satisfactory to you. ‘I hereby bequeath7 my entire property to my intended husband.’” Oh, most excellent, but unfortunate woman!

Box: Generous, ill-fated8 being!

Cox: And to think that I tossed up for such a woman!

Box: When I remember that I staked such a treasure on the hazard of a die!9

Cox: I’m sure, Mr. Box, I cannot sufficiently thank you for your sympathy.

Box: And I’m sure, Mr. Cox, you couldn’t feel more, if she had been your own intended!

Cox: If she had been my own intended? She was my own intended!

1 Gracious goodness! This is never said in English—Box takes the normal exclamation (“Goodness gracious”) and reverses the words. The result is funny and helps establish the strange sense of symmetry between the two men. 2 Convey = send.3 Intelligence = news. 4 It’s perfectly immaterial = it doesn’t matter. 5 Squall = storm. 6 Upset her = turned her upside down. “Her” refers to the boat, as ships are thought of as feminine. But it is, of course, possible to misunderstand “her” and think it refers to Penelope Ann (as Box does). 7 I hereby bequeath = with this document I formally (legally) leave. 8 Ill-fated = unfortunate.9 Hazard of a die = chance of throwing dice. Cox and Box are both saying that Penelope Ann was so wonderful that they cannot believe they gambled for her (and therefore risked losing her).

30

Box: Your intended? Come, I like that! Didn’t you very properly observe1 just now, Sir, that I proposed to her first?

Cox: To which you very sensibly replied that you had come to an untimely end.2

Box: I deny it!

Cox: I say you have!

Box: The fortune’s mine!

Cox: No, mine!

Box: I’ll have it!

Cox: So will I!

Box: I’ll go to law!3

Cox: So will I!

Box: Stop—a thought strikes me. Instead of going to law about the property, suppose we divide it?

Cox: Equally?

Box: Equally. I’ll take two thirds.

Cox: That’s fair enough—and I’ll take three fourths.

Box: That won’t do. Half and half!

Cox: Agreed! There’s my hand—

Box: And mine.

Cox: (Seeing the postman coming.) Hallo! Postman again!

Box: Postman yesterday—postman today—

The postman gives Cox a letter.

Cox: Another trifle from Margate. (Looking at letter.) Goodness gracious!

1 Properly observe = rightly say. 2 Untimely end = early death. 3 Go to law = hire a lawyer (to fight a legal battle to obtain the money).

31

Box: (Looking at letter.) Gracious goodness!

Cox: (Reading.) “Happy to inform you—false alarm.”

Box: “Sudden squall—boat upset—Mrs. Wiggins your intended—”

Cox: “Picked up by a steamboat—”

Box: “Carried into Boulogne—”1

Cox: “Returned here this morning—”

Box: “Will start by early train, tomorrow—”

Cox: “And be with you at ten o’clock, exact.”2

Cox looks at his watch. It is almost 10 o’clock.

Box: Cox, I congratulate you!

Cox: Box, I give you joy!

Box: I’m sorry that most important business at the Colonial Office3 will prevent my witnessing the truly happy meeting between you and your intended. Good morning! (Going.)

Cox: (Stopping him.) No! It is for me to retire.4 Not for worlds5 would I come between you and your rapturous meeting with your intended. Good morning! (Going.)

Box: (Stopping him.) You’ll excuse me, Sir—but our last arrangement was that she was your intended.

Cox: No, yours!

Box: Yours!

Both: Yours!

10 o’clock strikes. There is the sound of a cab coming.

1 Boulogne = a port in France. 2 Exact = exactly. 3 The Colonial Office = the Government department in charge of colonial affairs. There is no reason for Box to have any “business” there, so this is obviously just an excuse for him to leave. 4 Retire = leave.5 Not for worlds = not for anything.

32

Box: There’s a cab coming!

Cox: Quick!

Box: Oh my God!

They run into the house and look through the window.

Cox: A lady’s got out—

Box: There’s no mistaking that majestic figure—it’s Penelope Ann!

Cox: Your intended!

Box: Yours!

Cox: Yours!

Box: Hark1—she’s coming up stairs! Quick! Barricade the door!

They pile furniture against the door to prevent it being opened.

Bouncer: (Knocking on their door.) Colonel!

Cox: I’ve just stepped out!2

Box: So have I!

Bouncer: Open the door. It’s only me—Sergeant Bouncer!

Cox: Only you? Then where’s the lady?

Bouncer: Gone!

Cox: Upon your honour?3

Box: As a Militiaman?

Bouncer: Yes: and she’s left a letter for Brigadier Cox.

Cox: Give it to me!

1 Hark = listen. 2 I’ve just stepped out! = I’ve just gone out for a few minutes. 3 Upon your honour? = do you, as an honourable man, promise that what you are saying is the truth?

33

Bouncer: Then open the door!

Cox: Put it under!

Bouncer puts the letter under the door, Cox picks it up and looks at it.

Cox: Goodness gracious!

Box: (Looking at letter.) Gracious goodness!

Cox: (Reading.) “Dear Mr. Cox, pardon my candour—”1

Box: “But being convinced that our feelings, like our ages, do not reciprocate—”2

Cox: “I hasten to apprise3 you of my immediate union—”4

Box: “With Mr. Knox.”

Cox: Hurrah!

Box: Three cheers for Knox! Ha, ha, ha!

Enter Bouncer.

Bouncer: The little back second floor room is quite ready!

Cox: I don’t want it!

Box: No more do I!5

Cox: What shall part us?6

Box: What shall tear us asunder?

Cox: Box!

Box: Cox! You’ll excuse the apparent insanity of the remark, but the more I gaze on your features, the more I’m convinced that you’re my long lost brother.

Cox: The very observation I was about to make to you!

1 Pardon my candour = excuse the fact that I speak frankly and openly. 2 Do not reciprocate = are not equal (i.e. Cox does not love her as much as she likes him). 3 Apprise = inform. 4 Union = wedding. 5 No more do I! = neither do I!6 What shall part us? This and the next question are both rhetorical questions, and the meaning is “nothing shall part us!” or “nothing will separate us!”

34

Box: Ah—tell me—in mercy tell me1—have you such a thing as a strawberry mark on your left arm?

Cox examines his arm.

Cox: No!

Box: Then it is he!

They rush into each other’s arms.

Box: My hand upon it, join but yours;2

Agree the house will hold us.

Cox: And two good lodgers Bouncer gets,He’ll in his arms enfold3 us.

All: Rataplan! Rataplan! Rataplan! Rataplan!Rataplan, rataplan, plan, plan, plan, plan, plan, plan,For Rataplan,Penelope Ann,Has married another respectable man,Three cheers for Knox,Who lives at the docks,And may he live happily if he can.Rataplan! Rataplan! Rataplan! Rataplan! (etc.)

THE END.

1 In mercy tell me = if you are merciful (I am suffering from terrible suspense), then tell me. 2 My hand upon it, join but yours = let’s shake hands and…3 Enfold = embrace (welcome).

35