- A -- A -

p o w e r f u l

beautiful&

A Collection of Poems written by Survivors

- B -

Restored is an international Christian alliance working to transform relationships and to end violence against women.

We work in and through churches at the international, national, regional and local levels providing training and resources to equip churches and their members to respond effectively and appropriately to abuse and violence against women.

In 2015, Restored launched a Survivors’ Network: an online community of Christian female survivors of domestic abuse. This network started with just a handful of women and since that time it has grown substantially. This Network enables mutual support and encouragement, invaluable components in a survivor’s restoration.

Members of the Survivors’ Network have generously shared their moving and inspirational poetry which stands as a testament to the destruction domestic abuse can cause, to the resilience of each survivor and to the importance of their faith on their road to recovery. These poems are the voices of domestic abuse survivors speaking out eloquently and powerfully.

We invite you to read this poetry, to take a moment to walk in a survivor’s shoes, and to experience some of what these women have been through.

Esther SweetmanSurvivors’ Network Co-Ordinator

Published with the kind permission of the authors. All rights of copyright reserved to the authors.

- 1 -- B -

Words wound round a silent screamHeart stoppingJaw droppingNobody knows, how deep it goesMy silent scream not even me. Walking a tightly wound tightropeStomach knottingJoints poppingBegging, bleeding, floor kneelingMy silent scream alone, only me. Tiny fingers wound round my thumbBaby huggingFist duckingRUN! Running, I whispermy silent scream I will leave.

Wound- Silent Scream

- 2 -

I am.

I am created. I am wonderfully made. I am a daughter, made to love.I am creative. I am hopeful. I am trusting.I see the kindness and goodness in others.I am a dreamer, I dream of love.I am at peace.

I am domestic abuse.

I am fear. I am lies. I am control. I hate myself. I am worthless. I have no hope.I am alone.I am a trapped heart. I am illness.I am caged. I am scared to think.I am locked in. I cannot trust.I am broken. I am tired.

I am a domestic abuse survivor.

I am brave. I am not alone. I am strong.I am not giving in to fear. I am loved. I am kind hearted.I am getting well. I have a future. I have hope again. I am a new creation. I will dream again.

I survived.

Survivor

- 3 -- 2 -

Hey you abuser

You took my power

You took my life

Oh no! you will not take my voice as well

I have new strength to bring back my life.

Wipe your tears away

You will succeed!

Wipe your tears away

It is not your fault.

But abuser

Through the trials and tribulations

I am a hero of heroes

I have new power to bring back my life.

Wipe Your Tears…

- 4 -

SO...

Irma and Harvey tear through the promised landsIndiscriminately shattering lives by the thousandsImpersonal carnage So annihilated

Who is to blame, who will pay?An Act of God they say - shall we take Him to court?We already didSo separated

You, however, stormed through three lives Purposeful carnage and collateral damage Who will pay? We already didSo decimated

My roof was blown off, my structure crumbled My foundations flooded Who will pay? I already did.So incapacitated

Three decades to rebuild, three years or three days.Redeeming the unrestorable - and who will pay?He already didSo liberated

Brutally, destruction makes wayFor new dwellings and configurationsA savagely won phoenix from the ashes So exhilarated

- 5 -- 4 -

THE DESERT PLACE

I found her wanderingin the wastelandA sad sight to seeHer hair matted and tangledAn old wound upon her knee.She was hunchedand humbledand hauntedHer eyes a glassy stareHer lips dry and saltywith fervent care and prayer.She’d been taken by her Loverto some barren landAnd been abandoned there to wanderwithout shelter or covering hand.All beauty and attraction hadwithered there and diedBut He knew only therecould her soul be magnified.I found her wandering in the wastelandA breathless sight to seeIt took some time to realisethat this Spirit-filled,Son-kissed beautyWas me.

- 6 -

He eviscerated me with his actionsWhat a legacy to leave his childrenTo haunt them, to leave a weight too heavy But this legacy can be redeemed - It can be found in your actions - my children Choose kindness and respectChoose integrity all your days and you will redeem the pastChoose this from your depth This will make my suffering worth the cost

To My Children- Redeeming the Legacy

- 7 -- 6 -

I am hidden. You do not see me.They do not see you not seeing me.Your carefully choreographed dancing stepslead me deceitfully across the floor. Your agenda is fixed. It won’t budge. And why should your truth be altered?Especially by me. I’m out to “get you”?You poor abused, misunderstood boy. I’m evil, conniving and cunning? Your binoculars are on back to front!I’m merely a mirror reflectingthe blackness that is centred in you. I bleed like an underground rivergushing out to a canyon below.The manipulative bruises you leftquestioned only by my gaslit mind. They’ll believe you over me every time.After all you’re such a lovely chap!And “she has clearly lost my mind!”Thus I render my testimony void.

The Narcissist

- 8 -

Ill Fitting Thing

Insufficient child, you *drama queen!(*The pseudonym of an inner scream).I will not validate who you are.You’re not like me so I raise my bar. Highly sensitive born but not bred.Who cares what’s going on inside your head?I’ll tell you how you should think and feel,regardless if to you it is real. You mystery, you ill fitting thing.You conundrum. So disappointing.Why don’t you fit in my ideal mould?Sit down and shut up. Do as you’re told! Your truth is balderdash, empty lies.Despite imploring with pleading eyes.I will not acknowledge what you say.If I block my ears will it go away? Runt of the litter! (Such a black sheep).Fall into line and march to my beat.You are that which I choose you to be.I refuse to see your reality.

- 9 -- 8 -

A house of their own, a home to share,with plans to welcome guests;time and space to forge their lives,the days ahead to be their best.But those eyes once bright and love-glazedhad now begun to dart;that safe warm feeling she had knownhad vacated her young heart. That heart once full of dreamshad emptied now of hope;the cords of love which drew so closenow formed a noose to choke. The honey sweet they’d made together now formed a poisoned chalice;the charm once spoken with such ease now laced with harm and malice.She saw the nest which they had made was now a web he’d spun;he’d made her the centre of his world and now she had to run.

She scanned the scene a final time,one last look at the lair;gathering her things and her thoughts,remembering all they’d shared. She cut the cord, upturned the cup, fought the web,was numb to fired retorts;she hauled and climbed her way out,spirit and mind at peace not war. Weary but free, into view she sawthe path untrodden ahead;a solo trail it now may bebut fully hers to tread. She knew no fear, his hold had gone,all regrets were kept at bay;tilting her face towards the sunshe ran full into the new day.

Worlds Apart

- 10 -

The Trajectory of Abuse and Recovery

Chronic InfidelityIs when your soul is ripped out of your body through your heart. AbuseIs poison dripped into the gaping hole that is left.Stomping on the surviving shell, rendering it immobile, aiming to silence the remaining husk. Abuse then walks away smiling like nothing has happened. Consequences/IndifferenceIs when this living corpse is pushed down into the third level of Hades and expected to escape easily. RecoveryIs pulling this corpse, still surrounding your gasping spirit, out of the pit by your fingertips- one agonizing inch by agonizing inch, continually resisting the tidal flow of the Acheron. ResilienceYour only sustenance is a lone mustard seed hiding in the depth of your stomach, refusing to be digested. CommunityAre friends who see your struggle - and your worth - and relentlessly throw ropes down to help you out. New LifeBy the time you get to the top of the pit, you barely have any fingers left - you are forever changed - you no longer look the same, feel the same, act the same.You forge a new life that has been refined by fire - but at the top of the pit I find my legs still work ... and I am grateful.

- 1 -- 10 -

So it’s been a tough time.

I have basically had to start my life again from scratch.

And to put it simply, it hurt.

My confidence has gone completely, not just in what I believed but who I believed I was made to be. When seemingly everyone else around me was moving on and into deeper depths of faith I was a quivering wreck, stepping day by day, moment by moment to hold on to the Truth.

Exposed, as my situation came to light.

But exposure allows the light to shine into the darkness, into my mess. It allows all to be seen and known and shown up for what it really is. Light allows shadows to diminish and warms the soul.

‘The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.’John 1:5

So what do I see now? I see hope and freedom in the choices I’ve come to make. I see freedom to follow Abba. Freedom to face my fears head on. Freedom to be who I was created to be.

And it feels good.

Exposure

- 12 -

Help, help! O please someone helpare the cries that I inwardly shout and yelpThe signs that people see are those tears the ones that drip visibly to show my fearsBut you can only get a glimpse of the pain I feel insideIt’s something that I’ve buried deep and tend to try and hide I do not know how much to take how much more I can bearI desperately need someone’s help someone to show they care Is there nobody I can turn to to say that I am sinkingIs there anybody out there who understands what I am thinking? Crying on the shoulder of a tailor’s dummy is desperately sad, but strangely funny

O God, I feel like I’m sinking deepSometimes I just want to cry and weepBut who will wipe away my tearsAnd who will wash away my fears Who will take the pain insideWho will see, when I try to hideWho will all my needs provideIn whose love can I abide? And so I look to you for helpHelp me God. Help, help, helpFor you hear my every cryFor me you sent your son to dieHe came to take away my sinto your presence I can come within O wash me Lord, and make me cleanlet me with the light of your radiance beam

Tailor’s Dummy

- 13 -- 12 -

Lamentations of an Abused

My beloved places the fingers of Hades on my naked body. My beloved encourages him to caress me while I sleep ... and pull me under ... My beloved fills my pockets with gold coins, enough for the ferryman - planning to buy my eternal silence. I awake floating in a misty fog while shadowy figures flit and fly - I do not understand. I’m cruelly held at the intersection of the five rivers, I am meant to become undone ... and I do. Faceless whispers echo ‘only heroes can leave’. My beloved, my beloved ... Why did you choose this for me? But my beloved does not know the ancient secret - survivors are history’s heroes and the necessary blood libation has already been poured. I can leave - but at a cost - to remain like the shadow - of my former self. Now fear and death no longer have power over me - I have already been to hell ...

and the gates did not prevail - Selah

- 14 -

First we take the dead branches.

Those that are most obvious.

Those that have no life.

And we chop, lop and break away from the death that has weighed us down for so long.

Then the Gardener takes a step back. You breathe the fresh air- see what the new shape of you is beginning to look like.

But there is more.

The damaged branches are now staring out at the world. Those that were hidden by death are now surrounded by light and cannot hide. So it is time for the Gardener to hack, to wrangle out what is damaged before death or disease sets in. As the damage disappears you feel a fresh wind arise. A wind that hasn’t been felt for a long time. It’s new and exciting and the branches start to sway with the rhythm of life that surrounds them.

Yet it is not finished.

In the new found freedom, you suddenly find yourself itching, you notice spots on the leaves that you could not see before. Disease that has lain dormant is now able to be seen. But disease is tricky. It easily spreads and can be hard to notice. It is the time for gentle experience- a nip here, a tuck there. Soft, swift movements that expertly rid the branches of the disease, whilst limiting the potential for it to spread.

And then we wait.

You have had time to breathe, space to move and health to grow. The gently wind and the deft hands of the Gardener have given you what you could not have on your own.

You are a new creation and now?

Now the flowers can bloom.

Dead. Damaged. Diseased.

- 15 -- 14 -

Set me as a seal upon your heart,as a seal upon your arm,

for love is strong as death,jealousy is fierce as the grave.

Song of Songs 8.6

Even now, in the midst of hurt and pain and anger, I cannot shake You. In the dead of night when only You see my tears, I cannot let You go. In the darkness when my pain is great and I wish to wallow and hide You are still there.

It would be easier if it were not so. To not know the deep and terrifying truth of Your reality that I cannot forsake. The seal has been set. It has too strong a hold. A hold that is firm in foundation. A hold that is written into the very fabric of me, so even when I question everything around me, I cannot question who You are and who You made me to be. It is my identity and written in to my heart.The seal has been set.

So what can I do now? I have no strength left- every day is a struggle not to let my pain overcome me. Every small act of kindness- a hug, a squeeze of shoulder, turns into a battle for my emotion that must be won. Just a split second in time that could change the course of me.In that moment I cling on to the knowledge that You are good as I feel the wounds open once again in my chest. A gaping hole where my heart should stand until my soul and mind cry out:-

‘THE SEAL IS NOT BROKEN!’You, whose love is beyond all, have not changed. You are GOOD and Your LOVE is stronger than this battle. That is my strength. Then, as swiftly as it comes the feeling passes, and I know the battle is won. A tiny victory in the war for my heart. I cannot say the day this war will end but I do know this- war is not fought and won in the big heroic gestures; the battles that have days to honour them and songs sung of the gallant acts of knights in shining armour. This war is won through the small things. The times when it is easier to give in, when no one can see you but yourself. In these moments, I remember the seal is set, and it cannot be broken. And for that moment I am free.

The Seal has been Set

- 16 -

Becoming yourselfYour life

Has beenWhat it isAnd will

Keep beingA crackedContainer

Where Love and LightAnd velvety red tears

Seep outAnd cleanse

What’s around you.The roots of brave

Grow deep outOf your feet

Finally plantedIn the soil

Of knowing.

It melted and sleptStruggled and wept

Then fought for beautyOne drop of sacred

blood at a time.Beautiful thing,

How did you emerge from such a gruesome

scene?

Beautiful

Butterfly

- 17 -- 16 -

In the darkMemories come to me hidden.The pain, the self-doubt, the isolation.I remember what it was to be so alone.But then I remember you were there,holding my hand in the darkness.I wasn’t even sure you were there,But I cried out to you for help.

Then you came to my rescue,Released me from his bondage,And gave me justice and healing.You set me back on my feet,And gave me a new song in my heart.You restored my family to me,My friends also.

I almost lost my faith in you,Too many questions, why, where were you?He spoke so many lies over me,Made me believe nobody cared.But you whispered to me words of love,Healed my heart from within.You showed me how to move on.

You set me back on your path,Gave me the life you meant for me,The family of my own I dreamed of.You continue to heal the pain,To restore my body and mind.Now I can say my God is one who loves,Who restores, forgives,And gives me new life. Amen.

Restoration

- 18 -

Restored is a registered charity in England and Wales

Registered Charity No. 1136774. Registered Company No. 7243226

www.restoredrelationships.org