RIP MR SHAKESPEARE

New edition 2016

Keith Hill, Bev Clark and William Shakespeare

Characters

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

THE SERVANT

The company of clowns who should choose their own names and style

Clown 1 (male): Dominant, Assured, Sophisticated, a natural leader, rather pompous.

Clown 2 (male): Burly, brawny, and potentially intimidating but a bit of a softy, a henchman

not a leader.

Clown 3 (male): Physical, edgy, energetic, emotional, sensitive.

Clown 4 (male): Romantic, suave but also capable of being a cad and condescending.

Clown 5 (female): Mature, Maternal, kind, has a sense of decorum.

Clown 6 (female): Relatively young, saucy, precocious but naïve and dizzy.

This is a suggestion. Characters can be flexible and lines of dialogue can be swapped

between characters. The cast can be larger than eight but it would be difficult to play with

less.

RIP MR SHAKESPEARE

Scene 1. THE PROLOGUE.

SHAKESPEARE’S BEDROOM ON THE LAST NIGHT OF HIS LIFE.

Shakespeare’s bed is a stand-up panto-style bed or one he wears as a costume. He wears a

nightshirt and cap -more like Scrooge than Shakespeare - in a floral or checked bed cover.

Shakespeare (WS) is in his bed DS. The ensemble of clowns are facing US. They hold umbrellas over their shoulders .Umbrellas and step ladders were used as motifs in the original production. Shakespeare is dozing and mumbling, his sounds become more audible and coherent. As each clown utters their first line, they turn and come DS to form a crescent around Shakespeare. A chord of music is WS’s cue to start. The clowns use props, gesture and mime, to act out scenarios.

WS: Oh! CLOWN 1: Oh for a muse of fire that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention. WS: Fire? CLOWN 2: Fight fire with fire. WS: Fie! CLOWN 3: Fie, Fo and Fum CLOWN 1: I smell the blood of a British man. WS: Man? CLOWN 5: Flesh and Blood. CLOWN 4: They say blood will have blood. CLOWN 2: It is all one to me. CLOWN 6. It is Greek to me. CLOWN 2: It is meat and drink to me. WS: A pound of flesh! CLOWN 5: Salad Days. CLOWN 3: In a pickle. CLOWN 2: No more cakes and ale. CLOWN 5: Eaten out of house and home. CLOWN 6: Bring your hand to the buttery bar and let it drink. WS: My words? All CLOWNS: Sssh! CLOWN 4: Thereby hangs a tale. CLOWN 1: A tale told by an idiot. CLOWN 2: Without rhyme or reason. CLOWN 3: Rhyme and reason? Strange bedfellows! CLOWN 6. That is the short and long of it. CLOWN 5. Neither here nor there. WS: (Loud) My words!

ALL (louder) Sssh! WS. (Sotto voce)Lie Low. CLOWN 1: Full fathom five thy father lies. CLOWN 4: The play's the thing. CLOWN 2: Foul play. CLOWN 3: Fair is foul and foul is fair. CLOWN 6: Vanish into thin air. CLOWN 5: What's done is done. WS. What the dickens? CLOWN 4: What a piece of work is man! WS: My words? All CLOWNS: Sssh! CLOWN 1: Pomp and circumstance. CLOWN 5: Fast and loose. WS: Goats and monkeys! CLOWN 4: Hot thoughts and hot deeds.

CLOWN 2: Why these are vipers. CLOWN 3: Is love a generation of vipers? CLOWN 1: Love has made thee a tame snake. CLOWN 6: Love may transform me to an oyster. CLOWN 5: Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind. CLOWN 3: Love is blind and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that themselves commit. CLOWN 1: The sight of lovers feedeth those in love. CLOWN 4: If music be the food of love, play on. CLOWN 6: Passions are made of nothing but the finest part of pure love. WS: My words? All CLOWNS: Ssssh! CLOWN 3: This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, May prove a beauteous flower….. CLOWN 1: And when love speaks the voice of all the gods make heaven drowsy in the harmony. ALL CLOWNS: (sighs) Aahh! CLOWN 2: When you’re in love, you can’t have a crap. ALL & WS: Oh! CLOWN 1: Those are not the words of the Bard! CLOWN 4: Amen to that, Sir. CLOWN 2: No matter. The more fool you. He “bites his thumb” at C4. The ensemble shapes up for a show down. CLOWN 4: Do you bite your thumb at us, sir? CLOWN 2: I do bite my thumb, sir CLOWN 4: Do you bite your thumb at us, sir? CLOWN 2: No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you sir; but I do bite my thumb. Sir CLOWN 3: Do you quarrel, sir? CLOWN 2: Quarrel sir! No sir! CLOWN 1: You scullion! CLOWN 5: You rampallian! CLOWN 6: You fustilarian! The show-down. CLOWN 4: You eel-skin! CLOWN 2: You bull’s-pizzle! CLOWN 6: Bolting-hutch of beastliness. CLOWN 5: Swollen parcel of dropsies. CLOWN 1: huge bombard of sack CLOWN 4: stuffed cloak-bag of guts, CLOWN 6: roasted Manning tree ox with pudding in his belly. CLOWN 3: Thou clay-brained guts. CLOWN 5: thou knotty-pated fool CLOWN 1: Thou poisonous bunch-back’d toad! WS: (stirring from sleep.) My words?

All CLOWNS: Sssssh! WS mutters and groans but settles down again and delivers a long snore. The servant is heard off stage. His shouts get louder. SERVANT: Mr Shakespeare? Mr Shakespeare? MR SHAKESPEARE! The ensemble reacts to the Servant’s calls and realise that it is time to depart. They gather round WS. MUSIC under: CLOWN 1: While you here do snoring lie, CLOWN 2: Open-eyed conspiracy. CLOWN 3: His time doth take. CLOWN 4: If of life, you keep a care, CLOWN 5: Shake off slumber, CLOWN 6: And beware: CLOWN 1: Awake! ALL: Awake! The ensemble scatters and departs Lights change.

SCENE 2 THE ANONYMOUS SERVANT

Enter Servant with a walking aid trolley (for the elderly) laden with food, drink and writing

materials. It has a tray on top and a basket below.

SERVANT: Sorry to disturb you Mr Shakespeare. Were you talking in your sleep again

Mr S?

WS: I wasn’t asleep, I was thinking aloud.

SERVANT: Pardon me, Sir. I stand corrected. No matter… There you are Mr

Shakespeare, there’s the provisions to keep you going overnight. There’s a

mug of small beer for your thirst and there’s a bowl of fruit if you’re hungry. I

also took the liberty of taking the chamber pot from underneath your second

best bed and placing it under this one. Now here, sir, are your almost

complete works (referring to a pile of scrolls), I’ll just pop them in the tray

down here, marked “pending”. Right. I’m off now Mr Shakespeare. If

there’s an emergency, tug on this “communications receptacle” (He refers to

a tin can on a piece of string, attached to the bed which he pulls taut) and

shout “Halloo!” One of our carers will be with you as soon as possible.

Goodnight Mr Shakespeare, sweet dreams.

WS: Wait before, you go…….. “We are such stuff as dreams are made of and our

little life is rounded in a sleep.”…..did I write that?

SERVANT: Yes, sir

WS: That’s a relief; I thought I may have nicked the lines from Ben Jonson or Kit

Marlowe.

SERVANT: No they’re all yours, sir. Goodnight.

WS Wait! ...“This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home”.

Did I write that?

SERVANT: No sir.

WS: Thank God for that! Lying here, I’m bombarded with words and images that I

can’t get my head around. Some make sense, and some are beyond me.

SERVANT: Never mind sir, God rest you, - to sleep perchance to dream.

WS: Did I say that?

SERVANT: No, I just did, sir.

WS: Thanks for your pains. Before you go, what’s your name?

SERVANT: “Servant”, sir.

WS: Yes, I know you’re a servant but you must have a given name?

SERVANT: No, Mr Shakespeare you never gave me one.

WS: I don’t understand.

SERVANT: You don’t recognise me do you? You wrote sixteen plays with an anonymous

servant in them. I was that anonymous servant in all sixteen. I served you so well but

you couldn’t even be bothered to give me a name.

WS: I’m lost for words.

SERVANT: Unlike you Mr Shakespeare. I’ve delivered important lines to advance the plot. I’ve

been ignored or cursorily dismissed. I’ve been insulted, verbally and physically

abused. I’ve even been killed. I never get the chance to develop my character and

on top of that I’m not even given a name! WS tries to speak but Servant is now in full flow. The servant claps his hands and 4 clowns enter. They will

each say the number of lines. They go down in size for comic effect

SERVANT: Take “Romeo and Juliet”. Sampson, servant to the Capulets,

CLOWN 1: Thirty lines!

SERVANT: Gregory, another Capulet servant,

CLOWN 2: Twenty lines!

SERVANT: Friar John

CLOWN 3: Thirteen lines!

SERVANT: Abraham, servant to the Montagues,

CLOWN 4: Five line!

SERVANT: Only five lines but he’s still given a name! As a main servant interacting with

Romeo and other principals I’ve got thirty two lines. More lines than any of

them, but I’m still not granted the courtesy of a name! (Servant claps his hands

and the clowns exit)

WS: (contritely) I’m sorry.

SERVANT: Sorry? Is that all you’ve got to say? It’s not enough.

WS struggles to form words two others enter to be other servants.

SERVANT: Alright, look at “King Lear”. There are three unnamed servants in Lear,

Servants 1, 2 and 3.

Enter two clowns with a card saying 5 LINES which they are fighting over.

SERVANT: I’m Servant 1 with nine lines and they’ve got five apiece. Not much in it, you

think? But there’s me, busy sword fighting with Cornwall, dancing around

the stage full of swash and buckle. (He mimes fighting) Then I’m called a

peasant and stabbed in the back by Regan. I’m an integral part of the whole

play. I am not just a number! I am an actor. I deserve a name! WS tries to speak again but Servant ignores him.

SERVANT: (getting more and more angry.)

What really gets my goat is Macbeth. Guess what? I

play the Servant. I’ve got five lines. Seyton, the steward’ has also got five

lines. We both deliver important plot lines but Seyton is treated with

dignity and respect: whereas, I’m called a “cream-faced loon” a villain and

coward! It’s not fair!

WS: I’m so sorry, I feel so mortified that I have caused you such much angst. I like

to think that I have been so perceptive and sympathetic about the human

condition, but I have failed you. The least I could do would be to give you a

name. Tell me a name of your choice and I‘ll have it written into the scripts

for every servant you’ve ever played.

SERVANT: Thank you Mr S. A name is a starting point but I feel that I deserve more

considering the pains I have suffered. Just like a king or nobleman, a servant

has aspirations for himself….

WS: By what name shall we call you?

SERVANT: (dramatic pause) DENNIS!

WS: DENNIS? Agreed, from this day forth, and in retrospect all servants shall be

called “DENNIS”. That is as much as I can do but I am too weary to re-writ...

SERVANT: That’s alright Mr S. In my spare time, in the wings, doing very little, waiting

for my infrequent entrances, I took the liberty of re-writing Act 5 of

Macbeth in order to redress the balance…. (He hands over to WS a large manuscript)

These are just some working notes for which I humbly seek your opinion.

BLACKOUT. Servant exits