room 18 issue 5 (online)

7/31/2019 Room 18 Issue 5 (Online)

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QUADAJA HERRIOTT-2

BRIDGET DEASE-3

ASIA ALSTON-5

TRSEAT LAWRENCE-6

BARRETT SMITH-8

ZO GATTI-9

GENEVIEVE KULESI-10

ELLIE COHEN-12

ASIA ALSTON-14

GENEVIEVE KULES-15

BARRETT SMITH-16

KHAT PATRONG-17

MALIA WILLIAMS-HAYNES-18

ZO GATTI-19

TRSEAT LAWRENCE-20

QUADAJA HERRIOTT-21

BARRETT SMITH-23

ROOM EIGHTEEN-ISSUE V

CONTENTS


4/28

QUADAJA HERRIOTT

SECRET #1: IT BREAKS YOU

Theres something to fear in your eyes. The way you look when yourethinking. There is failure occupying space in your iris. The kind youfind in the core of pity. Youre a sorry man. The world digs into yourbody and pulls you inside out, exposing all your imperfections.Everyone else is perfect. Your being is mutated by alcohol. I can smellyour urine flowing from the bathroom throughout that tiny apartment;

the scent mocks you, acknowledges your naivety. My dear, youre killingyourself. And its beautiful. Undeniably. The way you continue todrink, gulp down the soured juice and smile. Theres innocence in yourthought process, you believe youre happier that way, drunken. And itsbeautiful, that innocence. Youve never been steady; youve never had aplan. Your life has been minute to minute, day to day, and there iswonder of whether or not youll decide to grow up. How long are yougoing to claim the identity of a bastard child? As delicate as yourignorance may be, its selfish. Absolutely selfish, mostly to yourself. Feedthe starving child. My words may be contradicting.

When restrained, youre very calm, composed, rational. A nice man,but not nearly as gorgeous...or strong. Glory is found in the inside out

body, the mutated one. The sobered being heavily shakes and dropsthings. You merely manage when without, and though the obviousstruggle is almost devastating. Continue to kill yourself, continue todrink your insecurities, the rejection. Youre beautiful that way. Theday your liver commits itself to death, I will be pleased.

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5/28

BRIDGET DEASE

SECRET #2: THE GAMETHEY PLAYED

Ive been to Hell. Why? I was among two evils: my family, the lesser oftwo evils but evil nonetheless, and the game. The game was notmeant to be played with strategy, but rather with idleness. Theidleness earnestly awaited my judgment. I wished for the departure ofseveral lives that day and the faces I shared amongst them. I woke upto what seemed like a realm of servitude. I felt myself tearing at the

flesh of nothing, trying to earn my freedom with bravery; but theempty space angered me, and I fell cowardice to its power. I wasntused to having nothing to hold. Not without ruining it. This time itwas taken away and there was no choice but to let its absence ruinme.

Ive burned alive, somehow managing to feel some remorse for myactions accompanied by an ailing soul and a charred heart. My abilityto trust and be trusted, to love and be loved, to know and not know,gone. The game was simple: Pretend to play.

Its a secret. You cant tell, he said. There were no more points leftto score in the game. He and I were even. I thought about himwinning, the half-smile on his face and the raised eyebrows showinghis surprise by his victory. I scofed at the reality of it.

I wanted to believe that he wasnt the angel people treated him as,but rather the lack of flesh I saw. The flesh I pretended to admire. Theflesh that once defined my identity. Right before the game started, Iwished him good luck. I wanted him to know that I was on his side,that he could trust me. I did have a secret, I just proved that it wasntone to be kept.

From Hell, Ive learned that you cant wish for someone else to lose.Youve got to let them do it on their own. I dont know if Ive gonepast the point of redemption. I just know that hope still exists. I hopethat someday he forgives me. I hope that I will forgive myself. Butnow that Im here, I wont find a way out. Fate wont allow me tomake any more decisions. Im alright with that. Next time, Ill play forreal.

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7/28

ASIA ALSTON

SECRET #3: THE HAIR PIECE

hell try to run his fingers through

my kinks and curls, try to

play in my hair like they do

in the movies after making love.

ill tell him that my hair

isnt like theirs, that mine is special.

hell laugh when his fingers get stuck& hell recall

our first date, walking

in the park when the late night

rain soaked my pressed hair, 3 hours

of hard work washed up by the tiny drops.

hell tease me about the naps at the backof my neck. hell pull one. ill cringe a little,

remember the heat from the hot comb. i used to watch the steam rise

from the stove, squint my eyes &

hold my breath when my grandmama

would hold my head down and tell me,

dont move cause i sure hate the

smell of burnt skin.

hell kiss my forehead & follow my hairline

with his fingers. hell make a joke

about women using gel to create baby hair.

then hell say something sweet like how

mine doesnt need gel to lay down. how mine

is the real thing.hell say that he loves my hair when its wild

&

untamed. that he loves every coil,

curve & twist, hell sing some erykah

& tell me we should be sisters, hell say hes

into the whole natural thing.


8/28

TRSEAT LAWRENCE

SECRET #4: IM JUST TRYING

TO HELPI dont fuck on the first date.What? he was confused, wide eyed and shaken.

Why you acting like your mother raised you right, you aint shit boy

She was 19, partying a little too much, and failed to realize this little meetingwasnt a date, more like a rescue mission. He was concerned, just turned 20 andremembers seeing this girl in the library-quiet and to herself.

Let me help you, let me take you home! By this time hes grabbing her arms,trying to keep her drunken body up.

Nigga what? Im 19, a grown damn women! You hear me? A grown damnwoman, and Ill be damned if some pretty motherfucker like you takes me home!Shit boy you dont even look like you packing, I mean are you?

The girls father would have liked it better if she was closer to home. Hergrandmother used to always say Sending a thunder kitten like that to the other sideof the country is a big risk! Its plenty of lions over there. Her father was a

preacher and her mother went missing after her only childs birth. Her father wouldalways say, My baby girl, the next Oprah

Damn girl, what were you drinking? Why is your breath overpowering that smellgood you have on?

He was a good boy, church choir singing, ring bearer bringing, sweet boy. Heplayed varsity football for his high school and got into college off a scholarship. Hemet his mother in his 9th grade year of high school, thats when she was released forsome minor charges that many say shouldve been longer, knowing her ass. Hecollected the letters she sent from prison that always ended with Baby! One day

youre going to Disney World hoping for a cut of that Super Bowl money.

By this time he has her in the car her hand adjacent to her elbow laying in thecrease of her window.

She murmurs out, I cant see, I I cant see nigga you got me on one of thosedate rape drugs?

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Girl what! I dont want you for none of that, Im trying to help your drunkenass. Can you just talk about something normal, tell me about you or something.

She looks over at him looking at her.

There was a pause. Her voice was still slurred.

You want to know about me huh?

Yeah tell me about you.

I dont like telling people about me, I think its dumb, can I just tell you asecret?

A secret? Sure I guess

It got quiet in the car. She started smirking.

She spoke

When I was 16, I was fucking, and my father is a preacher.

So Im guessing youre proud of that huh

Maybe, maybe not, you dont know me anyway why you care, you tell me asecret?

I watch you, while you look over that psychology stuff, your real pretty youknow?

Shut up, you dont mean that shit, you dont know nothing, you dont know

me!

Let me tell you what I do know, I know your lying about fucking your fatherschoir boys and inside youre dying for attention but nobody will look at you,shit, you wont even look at yourself.

The car quiet, so quiet you could hear the shitty breaks squeak.

Let me tell you another secret, Im not a virgin, and youre wrong, Im notdying but fucking for attention.

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10/28

BARRETT SMITH

SECRET #5: HER BEST FRIENDIS AN EATING DISORDER

The teacher said he seemedlike a lovely man.She smiled because he had

become a part of her identity.

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11/28

ZO GATTI

SECRET #6: PRETTY LITTLE

SECRETS


12/28

GENEVIEVE KULES

SECRET #7: TRUST ME

He said: do you wanna?

She said: yes, but no, but Idunno

He said: it's okay

She said:

I want toHe said: then do it

She said: okay

He said: relax, stop worrying

She said: I always worry

He said:

well stopShe said: ouchHe breathed

She said: ow that really reallyhurts

He said: is this okay?

She said: it's betterHe said: we'll take it slow

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He said: how was it?

She said: nice. but how do i know you're not going toleave now?

He said:have I left yet?

She said: no

He said: so trust me

She said: its not that easy

He said: have I done anything wrong?

She said:I dont think so

He said: then trust me

She said: Ill work on it

He said: good

She said: I want you to be my boyfriend

He said: I dont think thats a good ideaShe said: why not?

He said: I dont think Id make a good boyfriend

She said: oh

She said: okay

She said: will you just lie next to me?He said: sure

...

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ELLIE COHEN

SECRET #8: A GIFT


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16/28

ASIA ALSTON

SECRET #9: DEMONS

1. a daughters first love is her father.her provider and protector. the man

who caught her way before she couldeven hit the ground, whose presencewas all that was needed for security.the one man whose love was genuine

from the start and he always made sure

she knew that. in her eyes, he was god.

2. whats the difference between a boyand a man when they all look at you thesame? when youre too impatient to give

your innocence so instead you had it taken.when conversations become uncomfortable

because the only question you can ask iswho have you de-virginized lately?& his response being a simple smile that

frequents your nightmares.

3. a daughters first heartbreak is her fatherin absence. growing up without guidance,

her mistakes will be constant. she just wantedto be daddys little girl. & what she lacked fromhim, she found in them. so when the demons crawled

in her bed she didnt refuse them. their companywas better than none.

4. when a mother is forced to give answers

to things she would never question, how doesshe explain to her child that god doesnt lovethem? her reasoning being that if he did then

he wouldnt have allowed her to make themistake of creating a child with such a demon.

having to watch her child hurt because ofsomething out of her control, she asks herself

why god couldnt be as merciful as the devil.14


17/28

GENEVIEVE KULES

SECRET #10: BROKEN


18/28

BARRETT SMITH

SECRET #11: GOOD GIRL

He is kneeling on the carpet, his pants still unzipped. She sits in the corner of the

room, her shorts bunched up and uncomfortable, watching him clean up the white

remnants of their mistake. Shes scrubbed her hands clean but she can still feel his

disturbing pulse inside her fist; she can still feel his grimy fingers beneath her

cotton underpants. She thinks of all her friends who have talked to her about

hooking up. Sound bites flash through her mind:

I never thought it was this much fun.He did this thing with-sorry, it was just so fucking great.

I really need to hook up.

Im so stressed out, I just wanna fuck, let it all out.

and she wonders how they could have said these things. She doesnt feel free or

relieved or even good. She feels like she just broke her mothers favorite vase and is

sitting among the sharp pieces of it. She doesnt feel the pleasant high she gets

when laying in bed alone and she feels like she can never be touched by anyone, inany way, ever again.

Tomorrow, she will go to school. She will wear a floral dress and braid her hair.

Her eyes will be makeup-less and her hands scrubbed pale. Her aura will be ripe

with virginity, the scent of which will disguise her fear.

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19/28

KHAT PATRONG

SECRET #12: BALLOONS

He put the binder in the trash bag and resisted the urge to take it back outand add it to the other piles of Arianes binders. It didn't feel right to throw herstuff away, what if she came back? She would think that he'd given up onher, just like the investigators. Just like everyone else. He hesitated to put inanother binder, he wanted to let go, and needed to; but his letting go is notlike a child and a red balloon. The child letting go because of her curiosityand spite.

Once he and his little sister went to Paris with their parents. They saw all thetourist sites and on a hot summer day, while their parents were getting icecream. Carly saw a man selling a big bouquet of balloons. She ran up to himand he ran after her, afraid of losing his sister. When she pointed to a redballon, he paid for it with the little change he had in his pocket. He turnedaround and tried to find the essential point they were standing waiting fortheir parents to come back with ice cream. Resisting the urge to panic andfrighten his sister, they walked around together, Carly occasionally looking

up at the balloon. Finally they stood at the corner of astreet trying to scope out theirparents, he realized, standing at thiscorner so many things can happenaround you at once. Carly screamedand he looked down at her. Realizingshe was staring straight ahead, helooked in that direction and he saw

his parents coming towards themwith melted ice cream dripping off oftheir hands. In all the excitementCarly let go of the balloon, knowingthat something better was ahead.

Couple of days later, Carly asked foranother balloon.

"I can't do this," he told Nol."It's going to be hard at first but itsbeen eight months since she wasmissing and keeping all her stuff isn'tgoing to help you let go of her," shesaid. Nol opened the bag wider,"Let her go.

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20/28

MALIA WILLIAMS-HAYNES

SECRET #13: TEMPTATION

My cheeks were still cold from having been outside when I sat down on

her bed. I took off my gloves, rolled them up, and sat them next to me,

but I kept my jacket on.

Do you want me to hang up your jacket? asked Cece from across the

room.

Yeah I said, as I pulled my arms through the sleeves. And can youget my phone out of my pocket please? I asked, before I remembered

what was in my pocket. Never mind I said quickly, but it was too late.

Is that my ring? she asked Why is my ring in your pocket?

The room was silent, I was too scared to answer. I thought a few hours

back, before we left to go to the mall.

I had examined the ring every time I saw it sitting on Ceces dresser. I

really loved the ring and I had never seen her wearing it. I picked it up

and slipped it onto my finger, it fit perfectly. Just as I was about to put

the ring down, Cece walked in, startling me. The ring fell to the floor.

Hey, you ready to go? she asked

YeahOkay, let me go grab my jacket. she said. When I could no longer

hear footsteps in the hallway, I picked it up off the floor and tucked it

into my pocket.

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21/28

ZO GATTI


22/28

TRSEAT LAWRENCE

SECRET #15: RELEVANCE

She found comfort in the fact that she was relevant to someone.

Lacing up her bleached burgundy Converses with passion

because she knew that she was wanted and needed somewhere.

Coat zipped up and side bang laying nicely over her left eye.

The person that gave her relevance

Wasnt at school today, and hasnt been for the last 2 weeks.

She digs the ink deep into her journal repeating the question,

Where is she?

She wasnt relevant anymore, not to anyone not even herself.

She stays in her room a lot lately, facing the wall and

leaning her forehead gently into it

She cries.The only thing that comes to her mind is the revolving

idea of love and the thought that taking her own life was

not not considered a crime.

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23/28

QUADAJA HERRIOTT

SECRET #14: A PIECE OF

ILLUMINATI1. no time forcondomscause theyd run out of fucks fucking her goal was to gain lovinghis was to keep comingshe told him my body isnt sacred through

slow moans and no whisperscould not lay there to be heldor stay over &her cigarette was to belit on the way outthe door

abstract as it was he chose tounderstand the reasoning of reasonshe presented to the shes why hedidnt care to reconvene

im no good for youthe silence of the quietnever burnt himthis is the kind of shit he was used to

although never conscious of the reasonhe attracted the same kind of hers

his pride swelleddespite dismissestheyd try to cling to himthis only heightening his vain

touching of the first & only time heldmost affectionanything consistent was a learned lesson

and he wanted youthi am immortal he told himselfi am immortal

2. goodbyeforever the she would askno last breath

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BARRETT SMITH

SECRET #16: OBSESSION

my first glimpse of theology happened when i was fourteen.

i dont know when i started to notice Her but as soon as i did it filled me with anache. all over my body i felt this Yearning.

but for what?

Sex, i thought, it was Sexual, always Sexual with teenagers, but no, i didnt want tohold Her, to be held by Her. i didnt want to feel Her under me.the next instinct was Idolatry, but being raised by Jews, Idols didnt sit well withme.

the yearning, i found out, was for Knowledge; i wanted to know everything aboutHer, every thought in Her Mind, every moment in Her History.

i started to watch Her, stare at Her whenever my eyes could find Her Body. ilistened to the Stories about Her and eavesdropped on Her conversations. i begantaking mental notes.

i noticed the slight limp in Her walk, the way Her hips Danced with every step. inoticed that Her skin glistened and Her Hair flew. i noticed that She was Beautifuland Talented but She always walked Alone. i noticed that She was Confident.

but after a while, i realized that Shewas Fragile, made of a translucentglass, Her veins spilling through. Sheglued Herself together with her air ofConfidence.

when the room was Silent and Shewas Still, Her Hands would be Busy,

picking at Her skirt or Her pen,sometimes picking the skin offeachother. it seemed like boredom, like,from Her throne, She was above ourPlayful banter.

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but what if She wasnt the Queen? what if She Shook in Nervousness? Her thinHands Moving to escape the tenseness of her Mind? what if, not Strength orQueen but, This and She, were the personification of God and Holy?

She was a Goddess hidden in a queen. Her majesty Hid her Divine Beauty but also

hid her Pain. we knew only the Gossip She told us. there was Divinity in herSecrets.

i hadnt Thought of Her in ten years, but last night i Dreamt of Her; She staredfrom the sky at my Children Playing. at this point, i no longer Questioned myJewish Faith, but seeing Her, i Wondered once again, where Divinity lay.

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SECRET#17:I HOLD SECRETS

IN THE PALM OF MY HAND


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ROOM 18 ISSUE #5 MARCH 2012

room 18 issue 5 (online)

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