INT. DAYTIME. APARTMENT OR SIMILAR DWELLING WITH TWO MEN LIVING IN IT. SCANTILY FURNISHED. THERE IS FAST FOOD

TRASH ON A SMALL TABLE WHERE A FISH BOWL HAS A FISH SWIMMING IN IT. VERY IMPORTANT! IRVING MELVIN ADAM DUMASSE IS SITTING AT HIS LAPTOP WRITING A LETTER TO

SOMEONE.IRVING D.

Dear Miss Creant. I have been requested by the city to send you this letter in order to prevent law enforcement from

visiting and taking more serious action. I must respectfully request that you cease emediately from feeding the local bear

population. I understand your concern for the bears in this weather, but I must assure you that leaving large ammounts of

meat and water for them will in no way assist the bears in surviving during the winter and instead serves the purpose of

making the bears want to come to the people’s homes in order to feed. Such was the case with your neighbor Miss Richardson whom you referred to as a skank due to her running down the

street last month clad only in her underpants yelling. I am requested to inform you she was not streaking, or as you put it,

“touting her titties” for the neighbor kids but was in fact running from a bear that had invaded her kitchen when she was showering and marinating dinner. In order to prevent

future incidents I am requested by the constables’s office to write you this notice and tell you to stop feeding the bears.

Also I would like to request that you cease the practice of sun bathing topless in your back yard. Mr. Dickinson wishes you a

happy eighty third birthday by the way. With much respect (stops, sighs, shakes head) your lease agent Irving Melvin Adam

Dumasse.As Dumasse stops writing and goes to e mail the message, his

room mate, Kurt, comes dancing in with a box of beer and a can of mountain dew and a pizza box. He puts the Dew on a

counter and comes into the living room where he talks baby talk to the fish in the fish bowl who says nothing.

KURTHey buddy, getting that situation squared away with Miss

Creant? IRVING D.

Yep, I had to get right on it since the constable did not want to go out there himself.

KURTYeah, I hear that. I bought you a bottle of pop since you don’t

like real man drinks with your pizza. So whats the deal with the constable going to see Miss Creant, too busy?

IRVING D.No, I suspect it was more along the lines of not wanting to go

out to the home of an eighty three year old woman who is sun bathing without clothes on in her back yard and have it turn into a scene with her over feeding the local bear population.

KURTI can see that! A uniformed officer standing there with his

badge and his gun talking to a naked old lady,(very sarcasticly) missus, would you please not feed them bears, they’re going into people’s houses. Then she gets all mad and starts to run

around with her...IRVING D.

I get the idea, you can stop now. I really don’t like the imagery.KURT

Yeah, seeing her topless is like not getting much sleep the night before.

IRVING D.Huh?KURT

You know, you have bags under your eyes, ha!IRVING D.

That’s just too far out there.KURT

No they aren’t. Trust me they’re as flat as a...IRVING D.

Oh please stop! I have a date tonight with Terri and I don’t need her wondering why I’m pale in the face when she sees

me. Whats all that, party time tonight?KURT

Oh, no pizza for you huh, well that isn’t a problem, I’m gonna

celebrate getting my own place in a week and don’t worry, I wont be in the way of you and your lovely lady having an

evening to yourselves, in fact I might even go hang out with that nice young fella across the way for a bit.

IRVING D.You mean the wierd guy?

KURTHe’s gay, no big deal, so is my brother. I might go over there

and hang out with him and watch the Supernaturals marathon.IRVING D.

That’s fine. I’m about to go down to the store and get something nice for dinner for Terri. I want a nice romantic meal

with some wine and to make her feel really special. I want to turn up the heat a little on my girl, know what I mean?

KURTOh wow, you plan to cook? You dawg you! I loved my little gal

more than the universe but I never cooked a meal though, I took her out on special occasions. You going all out?

IRVING D.Just enough to make things special. You want anything while

I’m there?KURT

Fish food, ha!Irving leaves and Kirk hops over the back of the couch and sits playing with the remotes. He leans over and looks at the fish.

KURTHey fisheeee. Howya doing little fisheeee. I’ll go out and get

you a little friend this weekend so you don’t have to swim around in that little half gallon of water all by your little self.

What do you think about while you swim around in there fishy pie, maybe why the heck is that funny looking man talking to

me like I’m a little baby person!Kirk’s phone rings and he answers it.

KURTKirk! Hey man! How ya doing brother man? How long has it

been, two years? Sure you can come by if you’re in town. We’d love to have, you. How long till you get here? Hey man

you still with that guy I saw you with the last time we were home, that redheaded guy? what? He broke up with you? Oh my oh my, I’m so sorry to hear that! I’ll bet you feel terrible! Oh that’s no problem, you come over and we’ll have you in

better spirits in no time! I have a really great roomate and he’ll put a smile back on your face. Great, I’ll see you real soon!

Kirk gets up and dances around the room a little and talks to the fish bowl.

KURTYou hear that fishy fish? Oh I’m gonna shout, I aint gonna pout, gonna jump for the sky, I’m tellin you why, my twin brother is

comin to town. We shared beds when we were sleeping, pulled pranks when we were awake, dressed alike and mom would

yell, who’s who for goodness sake, oh I’m gonna shout, I aint gonna pout, I’m jumpin for the sky I’m tellin you why, my twin

brother is comin to town. He leans toward the fish bowl.

KURTYep fishy fish, my mom and dad named my brother kirk, with a

K and me Kurt with a T and the only way they knew us apart was to yell HEY K OR HEY T, COME HERE. We had us alot of good times ghrowin up till it came time for me to chase girls and he, well, let’s just say I never had to worry about bein

jealous.Kurt is sitting down to watch television and his phone rings

again. He is eating and makes a mess as he answers the phone.KURT

Mom! How you doing! Yeah guess who is coming to town tonight! Yeah, your other identical son, the one who used to

dress alike with me so we could play pranks on everyone including you! Well I’ll tell you what, mom. Irv is going to cook a nice romantic dinner for that little pretty thing he has, so why don’t I run down and get that prescription filled, and when Kirk

gets here I’ll bring him over and we can hang out and let Irv have the place to himself...and the fish? Great! I’Ll go right

now and get your medicine. You phone it in and I’ll pick it up! Bye!

Kurt gets up and puts his phone in his pocket. Kurt gets a pen

and begins to write a note and he reads it out loud to the fish.KURT

Well since I can’t count on you to remember what I’m saying I’ll write a note for Irving when he gets back. Let me see, dear

Irving, my twin brother is coming over tonight. He is missing a few cards from his deck and he’s a little strange, but he’s a

good fun guy and he’ll just talk you to death unless he likes you a lot. Just explain things to him and relax. I’ll come back by in a bit and pick him up cause mom is sick tonight and wants me to

come keep an eye on her and bring brother Kirk with me. Thanks for being an understanding roomie. Kurt.

Kurt puts the paper by the fish on the edge of the table close to old fast food trash. He then cranks up the stereo and gets

some beer out of the fridge and puts it with the pizza. He then turns off the stereo, talking again to the fish.

KURTKirk is a good brother but he’s..a little...different. You be a nice

fishy and don’t cause a fuss. Kurt then picks up the light trash in the house, accidentally

grabbing the note and wadding it up and throwing it out with all the other trash as well. He then takes his beer and pizza and

heads out the door.CUT TO:

IRVING WALKS INTO THE APARTMENT AND HAS A SACK IN HIS HANDS. HE SITS WINE OUT ON THE COUNTER TOP AND COMES

IN AND SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH. HE TURNS ON THE TELEVISION AND LOOKS AT THE FISH.

IRVING D.I’ve got a girl coming over in a little bit. Be nice and mind your

own business. Sound good to you? Thought so. Where did your owner go? Don’t know? No problem, I’m going to watch some television while we wait on Terri to get here. Maybe we

can find something we agree on, like Flipper, ha!Irving goes to the refrigerator and gets a cold pop, takes a drink and sighs very happily and looks at it with a nod. Suddenly the

door opens and kirk enters. KIRKHey!

IRVING D.Hey!KIRK

I’m Kirk. Nice to meet you.IRVING D.

Yeah Kurt, I know that. You’re a funny guy. And since we’re introducing ourselves I’m Gene Simmons, also oft known as

Irving Melvin Adam Dumasse. Pleased to meet you.KIRK

That's fantastical. And that shirt, oh my lord it brings out your eyes.

IRVING D.

That sounds really painful. Could you imagine?KIRK

No silly, it just illustrates in a potently poetic way the masculinity and personal definition of strength and character

reflected in those puppy dog orbs of fine manly charisma mounted in that statuesque and perfectly sculpted head on

that flawless body.Irving just stares speechless for a moment.

IRVING D.O...........k.

Kirk daintily comes over and sits next to Irving who is looking at him like he is from mars. Kirk leans close and smiles.

IRVING D.Kurt, are you fooling with me?

KIRKThe sooner the better, Sugar Pants.

Irving starts to chuckle.IRVING D.

You got a sense of humor man!KIRK

And you have the lips of a greek God!IRVING D.

Right on man, I bet you want to eat me up:KIRK

Like a kid in a candy store!

Irving suddenly snaps back to reality and looks serious at Kirk, who is very close to his face.

IRVING D.Oh my, I have to get dinner going, there isn’t much time!

KURTOh lord have mercy, you want a nice romantic dinner? Is that

what you want?IRVING D.

Absolutely! I even have some wine I just got today.KIRK

Someone’s been talking to you, haven’t they? IRVING D.

Oh yes! And I think a nice romantic dinner for two would be just perfect right now. Don’t you?

Kirk is shocked and very happily excited.KIRK

You are incredible! First thing, right out the door, you want a nice wine and candles dinner, oh my God, say no more, I am so on it. You don’t worry about a thing sugar pants, I’m going to

create a feast!IRVING D.

Wow, that would be great! Thanks alot. You’re my kind of guy, roomie! I’ll tidy myself up and let you have at the kitchen. I

know you know your way around a cook book.Kirk stops and very sexily speaks in a seductive voice.

KIRKHoney, when it comes to my man, I don’t need no cook book.

Irving pauses long and stares at him, shaking his head and cocking it in wonder. He then walks toward the bedrooms

staring at Kirk who is dancing around the kitchen readying to make dinner.

CUT TO:KIRK HAS PUT ON A SHIRT THAT IS UN BUTTONED TO THE WAIST, HE IS SLICKING HIS HAIR AND PUTTING ON SMELL

GOOD WATER, HE SETS OUT CANDLES AND THE WINE ALONG WITH TWO GLASSES, THEN SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH IN A

SEXY FASHION. IRVING COMES BACK INTO THE ROOM IN NICE CLOTHES AND HIS HAIR FIXED UP AND HE SITS ON THE COUCH.

KIRK TURNS SLOWLY TO HIM AND EDGES CLOSE. IRVING IS TALKING TO HIM WHILE KIRK ADMIRES HIM.

IRVING D.I had to send an e mail to Miss Creant earlier today. She won’t

quit feeding the bears!KIRK

Feeding bears?IRVING D.

Yeah! Like I said earlier, she keeps putting out meat and water bowls and the bears are starting to invade the homes of the

people around her. Can you imagine being grabbed by a bear?

Kirk looks enamored and speaks softly as if swooned.KIRK

Oh my goodness, a bear hug, oh dear oh dear, what that would do to me!IRVING D.

I know it. And then she sits around the back yard, completely naked! You know how awful that must have been for her

neighbors to see her with no clothes on! KIRK

Oh seriously! This lady stripped down into her birthday suit?IRVING D.

Yeah! I mean I look better than she does with no clothes.KIRK

Oh honey I don’t doubt that one bit!IRVING D.

I don’t blame the constable, but I really hated having to get caught up in all that mess.

IRVING D.Wow, dinner smells great Kurt, I want you to know, that’s a

really cool thing to do, just come in here and make a nice meal like that. Thanks bro.

KIRK

Absolutely. I really want you to be happy.

IRVING D.Well that's cool, but don’t worry you don’t have to kiss up to

me. KIRK

I figured we could talk about all that after dinner.Irving is about to respond when the door bell rings and Kirk gets

up.KIRK

Don’t you worry your little self I’ll get that.Irving smiles.

IRVING D.That must be Terri!

Kirk opens the door to Terri, a very pretty little blonde. KIRK

Can I help you with something?TERRI

I’m here to see Irving.KIRK

Why?Irving comes to the door and with a strange look at Kirk Terri

comes in the room and they hug. TERRI

How ya doing?IRVING D.

Great to see you! Kurt made dinner. Is that cool or what?

TERRIOh wow! Handy in the kitchen, totally cool!

KIRKI’m handy with alot of things baby.

Terri and Irving laugh. Terri goes toward Irving’s laptop. TERRI

You don’t mind if I use your computer do you? I just need to check an e mail real quick.

IRVING D.Not at all! Help yourself. I’m going to sit down and look over

the mail.KIRK

Let me get dinner.Irving sits down and begins opening mail while Terri is on the

computer.TERRI

Augh! Internet is crawling today.IRVING D.

I know. Part of it is the computer, it needs some servicing done but I haven’t had time. Oh goodie, a letter from my dad.

Always a pleasure. Terri gets up.

TERRIWhile I wait for this silly thing to load, you want a drink,

sweetie?

Kirk stares at her indignantly.IRVING D.

I’d love one babe. I have a pepsi here but there is some wine out there.

Kirk pours a glass of wine and walks past Terri who stares at him strangely as he hands the wine to Irving, who smiles and

takes it.IRVING D.

Thanks bro.KIRK

Sure thing sugar pants.Kirk goes back to the kitchen and Terri looks at him strangely,

frowning and kirk looks at her with disdain. She then goes slowly toward irving while kirk gets out plates and samples

food.Irving is talking about his mail as Terri rubs his shoulders and

plays with his hair.IRVING D.

I almost don’t like getting mail from my dad, he spends so much time griping at me.

TERRI(she is petting his hair and he has closed his eyes and is smiling)

what, is he one of those dad’s that thinks you should be like him?

IRVING D.

Exactly. Nothing I do is ever manly enough.KURT

I can’t understand that, you sure seem like enough man to me.Irving takes Teri’s hand and snuggles it then kisses it and she

smiles and walks back to the computer.IRVING D.

My dad was always one of those guys that his sons weren’t good enough unless they were carbon copies of him.

KIRKThis is almost ready, it’s going to be perfect.

He comes over to where Irving is reading his mail and he begins to rub his shoulders and play with his hair as Terri stares at the

computer and Irving reads his mail. IRVING D.

Well this isn’t so bad, dad just wants me to see what I can do about another piece of property he wants to rent, and this time

without some lady who drives the neighbors bats.Kirk is running his fingers through Irving’s hair, then Irving picks

up the pop in one hand and takes Kirk’s hand in the other he tenderly kisses the hand and Kirk daintily shuffles off as Irving takes a drink, then reality hits and he spews pop all over and looks stunned as he realizes he kissed Kirk on the hand. He

spits, rubs his lips and picks up the fishbowl taking a swig and gargling. He then spits the fish water out, fish and all. Terri then turns and talks, as does kirk, and Irving turns around,

shocked.TERRI

Wow, that e mail went right off! KIRK

Oh this is going to be so delicious.Terri comes over and sits down next to Irving on one side and

Kirk sits on the other. TERRI

Why do you have fish breath?KIRK

Tell me you aren’t staying for dinner?TERRI

Of course I am! Why wouldn’t I stay for dinner? That’s why I came.KIRK

You don’t need to horn in on my action!TERRI

What are you talking about?IRVING D.

Did I just kiss you?KIRK

You did, and it was so sweet. Can we ask the broad to leave now?TERRI

Broad? What do you mean you just kissed him?

IRVING D.Why did I just kiss you?

KIRKWell I don’t know? Why did I just cook you a romantic dinner

for two?TERRI

You cooked a dinner for him?IRVING D.

I thought you cooked the dinner for us! KIRK

I did cook it for us!IRVING D.

Not us you and me, us me and Terri!KIRK

Why would I cook dinner for some woman who wants to steal my man?

Terri and Irving speak in unison:TERRI

Your man?!IRVING D.

What are you talking about KurtKIRK

Don’t call me that!IRVING D.

I’ve always called you Kurt, what else am I supposed to call

you?KURT

Oh my God did you drink from the fish bowl?IRVING D.

I rinsed my mouth when I found out I kissed you!TERRI

Why did you kiss him?IRVING D.

I thought I was kissing you!TERRIWhat?KIRK

WHAT?! Kirk stands up and puts his hands angrily on his hips.

KIRKWhy would you kiss this ditzy bleached Barbie wanna be when I

just cooked you a nice romantic dinner AT YOUR REQUEST?!Terri stands up and angrily addresses Irving, who has fish water

all over his shirt.TERRI

You asked him to cook you a nice romantic dinner for you and him?

IRVING D.No! I Thought he was cooking a nice romantic dinner for you

and me, and I kissed him!

TERRIYou kissed him?

IRVING D.Yes, but I didn’t mean to! I Was confused.

KIRKConfused? I Thought you liked me!

IRVING D.I do like you Kurt but not like that!

TERRIThen why did you kiss him?

IRVING D.I didn’t mean to kiss him!

TERRIHow can you kiss him without meaning to?

IRVING D.I thought he was you!

Kirk opens his mouth is shock and at that time Kurt walks in. KURTHey!

IRVING D.Not now, bro, we have a problem here.

KIRKYou bet we do if you think I’m making a romantic dinner for you

and this tart.TERRI

Scuse me?Irving suddenly turns and sees Kurt and reacts with shock.

IRVING D.Whoah! What the hell. What’s going on here? You look

exactly like Kurt!KURT

Of course. He’s my twin brother I told you about. We got another set of brothers that are Aron and Ferrin too.

IRVING D.You didn’t tell me you had a brother who was a twin!

Kurt pauses for a moment then comes over.KIRK

Irving Dumasse, this is my twin brother Kirk. By the way, he just broke up with his boyfriend so he’s been a bit depressed.The door is suddenly knocked and Irving jumps over the couch staring at the twins, as is Terri. When Irving opens the door a

neighbor man comes in with a box of chocolates.NEIGHBOR

Hi, I’m Chris, and I just wanted to welcome you hunky looking guys to our neighborhood.

Kirk suddenly saunters over. He smiles at Chris who smiles back at him as he takes the box of chocolates.

KIRKOh my oh my, are those truffles You must have read my mind

sweet thing, I go out of my mind over truffles.

NEIGHBORNo problem handsome, I’ve got another box of them over at

my apartment. You like Supernaturals marathons?Kirk gasps happily.

KIRKI love those freckles, I’d just love to play connect the dots! (He

giggles)Kirk touches Irving on the chin and turns to Terri who he looks

up and down disgustedly.KIRK

You have fun with...her...and I’m going to go watch television and eat chocolate with your neighbor.

Kirk and the neighbor leave and Irving looks at Terri, who shakes her head.

KURTWell I’m supposed to go to mom’s and it looks like I’ll be going

alone. You two have fun, I’m out of here. I Knew you’d like Kirk!

He trots out of the apartment and leaves Terri and Irving. Irving looks at Terri.

IRVING D.Want some dinner?