Sister Girl By Jonna Ivin

Copyright © 2014 by Jonna Ivin

Cover Design by Dancing Duck Creative

Cover Photos by Jennifer Sellers

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This novel is dedicated with all my love to

Jodi, Jenn, Hannah and Camryn

Tree. Apple. Seed.

Chapters

Chapter One - 1967 .............................................................. 1

Chapter Two ....................... Error! Bookmark not defined.

Chapter Three - 1968 ......... Error! Bookmark not defined.

Chapter Four....................... Error! Bookmark not defined.

Chapter Five ....................... Error! Bookmark not defined.

Chapter Six - 1973 ............. Error! Bookmark not defined.

Chapter Seven .................... Error! Bookmark not defined.

Chapter Eight – 1975 ......... Error! Bookmark not defined.

Chapter Nine – 1978 .......... Error! Bookmark not defined.

Chapter Ten – 1979 ............ Error! Bookmark not defined.

Chapter Eleven - 1980 ........ Error! Bookmark not defined.

Chapter Twelve – 1981 ...... Error! Bookmark not defined.

Chapter Thirteen................. Error! Bookmark not defined.

Chapter Fourteen ................ Error! Bookmark not defined.

Excerpt - Will Love For Crumbs – A Memoir ...................... i

Chapter One - 1967

Tess sat in the backseat of the 1960 Dodge Dart as her

parents drove home from the hospital. Her feet didn’t touch the

floor so each time she swung them out she kicked the front seat.

Daddy was at the wheel and Mama sat next to her holding the

new baby. Boy, it sure was ugly. Tess thought when Mama had

gone to the hospital to bring home a little sister or brother, that at

least it would be cute. This thing was squishy and pink, with skin

that looked like it was flaking off. It sure didn’t look like any

baby she had ever seen on the television. TV babies were cute.

Real life babies were gross.

Tess kicked the front seat once more causing Daddy to

reach back with one hand and hold her knee. That was his way of

telling her to knock it off.

“Do you want to hold your baby, sister?” Mama asked.

Tess looked at Mama’s pretty face and something about the

look in her dark brown eyes told her that if she answered, “Hell

no!” it would upset her parents. She had only ever said that once

before. It was a lot of days or maybe a month ago, (Tess had

difficulty understanding time) when she was sitting at the dinner

table and Daddy said, “Give me your plate Tess.” She knew he

was going to put lima beans on the plate, so she answered, “Hell

no.” Tess learned on that particular day that four-year-old kids

weren’t allowed to say, even once, the same things adults said

every day. It seemed pretty unfair, but Tess was just a kid and

kids had to do what they were told. As far as Tess was concerned

it was bullshit, but again, that was yet another thing she wasn’t

allowed to say.

She didn’t want to hold that wrinkly, ugly, baby, but found

herself nodding her head anyway. Mama gently placed the baby

in Tess’s arms. It looked up at Tess blinking again and again. It

didn’t smile or giggle or do any of the things Tess thought a

baby would do. It just laid there staring at her. Blink. Blink.

Blink.

“What did you name it?” Tess asked wishing it would stop

staring at her and look somewhere else.

“It is not an it. She is a girl and her name is Grace,” Mama

answered.

Daddy made a small grunting sound when Mama mentioned

the name Grace, then Mama said to the back of his head, “Don’t

flip your wig, Robert. What’s done is done.”

Even though the baby was just about the strangest thing

Tess had ever seen, there was something about it that she thought

maybe she could get used to. Kind of like Nana and Grandpa’s

dog, Mr. Jingles. He was super ugly, like a giant rat, but once

Tess started playing with him, he got cuter. Mr. Jingles was

really old and most of his teeth were missing. Nana would often

say, “Poor Mr. Jingles isn’t long for this world.” Sometimes, Mr.

Jingles would lick the tip of Tess’s nose. When he did that, Tess

didn’t think he was ugly at all.

The way the baby was staring at her with its large wide-set

eyes, and small nose and mouth, it reminded Tess of an alien

from outer space that she saw in a movie once. She almost felt

sorry for the pruney, shriveled up thing. It had no idea how ugly

it was. Yes, Tess thought, someday maybe I could learn to like

this ugly baby.

And then that baby opened its mouth and let out a scream

that was unlike anything Tess had ever heard. It was the most

awful sound ever. Tess couldn’t believe such a loud noise was

coming out of something so tiny. Its pink face turned bright red

and its tiny little arms grew stiff and started to shake. Tess could

even feel its little feet beating against her thigh. Oh hell no, this

alien baby has got to go. Immediately, she looked for a way to

get rid of it. Seeing the rolled down window, Tess lifted the baby

to toss it out. Unfortunately, Mama saw what was about to

happen and snatched the baby out of Tess’s arms.

“Tess! No. You have to be gentle with the baby. This is

your little sister. Do not throw the baby out of any windows.

That’s a rule. Do you understand me? That means no car

windows, and no windows at the house.”

“Yes, Mama,” Tess muttered. Great. Another rule she had

to remember. Tess, don’t stuff towels in the toilet. Tess, don’t run

with the scissors. Tess, don’t swing on the curtains. On and on it

went. Every day a new rule. How many rules was a four year old

expected to learn?

Mama turned her attention to Daddy. “Did you see what

your daughter almost did? Do something.”

Daddy looked in the review mirror at Mama, “I’m driving.

What would you like me to do?”

“I don’t know. Say something to her so she knows how

serious we are.”

Daddy shifted his eyes moving his focus in the review

mirror to look at Tess. “Don’t throw your baby sister out the

window.” He paused then added. “I mean that.” Then he

switched his focus back to Mama. “Happy?” he asked.

Mama reached up and smacked the back of Daddy’s head.

Tess figured that was Mama’s way of telling Daddy that, no, she

was not happy. Mama turned her attention back to Tess, “Tess,

you are the big sister now. It’s going to be your job to always

protect your baby sister and…”

What? Always protect her? Why? It wasn’t her baby. Tess

wasn’t the one who went to the hospital and came back with a

baby. If she had, she sure would have picked one cuter, quieter

and a heck of a lot less scaly than this thing. This was all too

confusing. It had always been just the three of them. Mama,

Daddy and Tess, the way it was supposed to be. And then Mama

started getting fat. She wasn’t fat all over. Her legs and arms

were as skinny as ever but she grew round in the middle. Tess

thought maybe Mama had eaten a watermelon seed. Mama

always told her if she ate the seeds a watermelon would grow in

her stomach. Apparently, she had forgotten her own rule. Mama

kept getting fatter and fatter until just the day before, while Tess

was sitting at the kitchen table watching her make lunch, she

suddenly bent over the counter and groaned loudly.

“It’s time,” Mama called out. When Daddy didn’t say

anything from the living room where he was watching television,

Mama yelled again but this time much louder, “Robert! The

baby is coming!” Once again Daddy didn’t respond so Mama

turned to Tess saying through gritted teeth. “Go tell your father

that I’m going to have this baby right here in the goddamn

kitchen if he doesn’t get off his lazy ass and come help me.”

Then Mama grabbed her stomach, let out a wild yell and peed all

over the floor. Horrified by what she was seeing, Tess jumped

out of her chair running as fast as she could to the living room.

She had never felt so scared in all her life and it was up to her to

save her mother before she died or something.

Tess ran as quick as her gangly legs would carry her and

although the house was small and the journey short, in that brief

time Tess mentally gave herself the name “Tess the Bravest Girl

in the Whole Wide World.” It was quite exciting really. She

skidded to a stop beside Daddy’s chair and knowing that he

sometimes ignored her when he was watching his fishing shows,

Tess kicked him hard in the shin to make sure she had his

attention. Then just to be extra certain he was paying close

attention, she followed the kick with an ear piercing scream

before shouting at the top of her lungs, “Mama is having that

baby in the goddamn kitchen! Get your lazy ass up!”

Grabbing his injured leg, Daddy let out his own howl of

pain before whipping his head around and glaring at her with

buggy eyes. “What did you just say to me, little girl?” he

growled in his most serious fatherly voice.

Tess didn’t know what else to say. She thought she covered

pretty much the gist of her mother’s message. She may not have

gotten the words exactly right, but she was confident the essence

was delivered. Her four-year-old vocabulary was failing her so

she did the only thing she could think of and began shrieking.

She screamed and screamed until her face turned purple while

her horrified father recoiled into his chair. Finally, when Tess

thought she might pass out, Mama waddled into the living room

and shook Tess’s shoulder. “Tess, stop screaming. Have you lost

your mind?” Tess looked up at her mother, who seemed much

calmer than she did a moment ago when she was peeing on the

kitchen floor.

“Mama, why did you pee on the floor?” Tess asked, still a

little breathless from all that screaming. Even at four years old,

Tess knew that peeing on the floor was not allowed. Another rule

she had learned the hard way. Some months, or days ago, (It was

after her mother started to get fat, but wasn’t as fat as she was

now.) Mama had caught Tess peeing in the laundry hamper. It

was a Saturday morning. Tess had been watching cartoons while

sitting on the floor in her yellow flowered underpants, eating a

bowl of Crunch Berries. She didn’t know why cereal tasted

better while sitting in her underpants watching cartoons, but it

did. She had begun to wiggle a bit and Daddy, who was sitting in

his favorite La-Z-Boy chair that Mama called a “hunk of junk”,

was reading the paper. Lowering one corner of the newspaper,

Daddy peered over the top and asked, “Tess, do you need to use

the john?”

“I’m waiting for the co-nercial,” she answered wiggling

much faster.

“Go now before you piss your drawers,” Daddy said before

disappearing once again behind his paper.

It really wasn’t that far to the bathroom but when Tess saw

the laundry hamper full of clothes just sitting in the hallway it

seemed only logical to shave some time off her travels. Mama

had to put the clothes in the washing machine anyway, right?

The sooner she went the sooner she could get back to The

Fantastic Four.

But then Mama came out of her bedroom and into the hall.

Tess was only halfway done and couldn’t stop, so while Mama

watched, Tess kept right on peeing. She thought her mother’s

eyes were going to pop out of her head they were bulging so

much. Mama didn’t yell. Mama didn’t even talk. She just stood

there staring with her big bulging eyes. All the while her face

growing redder and redder and redder. Then she began to shake.

It started with her hands and moved quickly until pretty soon

Mama’s whole body was wiggling like a bowl of Jello. Tess

liked Jello but watching Mama shake like Jello was pretty scary.

Since Tess didn’t know if her mother would ever stop

shaking, something told her it would be best if she got out of

there as fast as possible. She pulled up her underpants, scooted

by her mother, cut through the living room past her bowl of

cereal on the floor, then straight out the front door to climb her

favorite giant maple tree that took up most of their front yard.

After a short while, Mama came out of the house walking really

fast. She shouted up to Tess, without stopping her steps, “You

keep your butt in that tree until I get back,” and then she kept

right on walking down the street. Tess sat in that tree for what

seemed like a really long time before she saw Mama down the

block coming around the corner. But Mama didn’t stop when she

got to their house. She just kept on walking past as if she didn’t

even live there. Tess wasn’t very good at counting but she was

pretty sure her Mama passed their house seven or five or maybe

nine times. Each time she passed she was walking a little slower

and shaking a little less. And then finally Mama stopped.

She stood at the end of the driveway for a long time looking

at their house. Once in a while she would look down the street

and then look back at the house. It was like she was trying to

decide if she wanted to come inside or keep on walking forever.

It seemed Mama must have decided to come back home because

she took a deep breath and slowly walked toward the front door.

On the way to the front step she stopped under the maple tree

looking up at Tess. She narrowed her eyes and spoke in a slow

deep voice, “Tess, you ever pee in that hamper again I swear to

Christ it will be the last thing you do. I brought you into this

goddamn world and I sure as shit can take you out. Do you

understand me?”

“Yes, Mama.” Tess replied. And she never did pee in that

hamper again. Or in the closet. Or behind the couch. After that

day, she made it a point to only pee in the toilet. Tess didn’t

know what Mama meant by “sure as shit taking her out of this

goddamn world” and she didn’t want to find out.

As Mama went in the house Tess heard her say to Daddy,

“Turn off that goddamn boob tube and do something around

here.”

Tess climbed down from the tree and went back inside the

living room. She climbed onto the La-Z-Boy, into her Daddy’s

lap. “What’s gotten into her?” Daddy asked.

Tess thought there was no sense in dragging Daddy into this

mess. She didn’t want to go back up into that tree while he

walked around the block seven or five or nine times, so she

shrugged her shoulders and pretended she had no idea what was

wrong with Mama. Daddy had switched the channel and was

happy watching his fishing show. A little harmless pee in the

clothes hamper wasn’t worth upsetting him.

Daddy let out a sigh. “Women get crazy when they’re going

to have a baby. It’s called hormones.” Tess knew right then that

she would never have a baby and be a mommy. She didn’t want

any “horn-a-moans” making her crazy. Besides, it was a lot more

fun being a daddy and watching television. Daddy pointed to the

TV and said, “Now you see that fish. That’s called a Large

Mouth Bass…”

After that day, things were pretty quiet. The fatter Mama

got the more television Daddy watched. Mama still did the

laundry, and made dinner and lunches, and cleaned, and put

together the new baby furniture, and sometimes she would even

mow the lawn, all the while muttering under her breath, “That

goddamn useless man,” but as each day passed she became

slower and slower until eventually the moment arrived when she

took off her apron, bent over the kitchen counter, announced the

baby was coming and peed on the floor.

“I did not pee on the floor.” Mama said to Tess as she

picked up the telephone and started rotating the dial. Swoosh.

Click. Click. Click. Swoosh. Click. Click. Click.

Tess looked to her father, who was still rubbing his bruised

shin. She nodded to let him know that she was telling the truth

and that Mama was the one who was lying, “She peed,” Tess

assured him. Daddy didn’t seem to be at all bothered that Mama

went number one on the floor.

“Your daughter just kicked me,” he said to Mama while

lifting his pant leg to inspect his shin. “I think I might get a

bruise.”

“I’m about to push a watermelon out my hoo-ha so excuse

me if I don’t give a rats ass about your bruise,” Mama said.

So she had eaten a watermelon seed! Tess knew it. “What’s

a hoooo-haaaa?” Tess asked but both of her parents ignored her

question.

Mama spoke briefly on the phone and then hung up before

turning back to Daddy, “Mrs. Gardner is on her way over to

watch Tess. My suitcase is packed and under the bed.” When

Daddy didn’t move, Mama shouted at him, “Go get the suitcase!

Jesus, Robert, do I have to do everything around here?”

Daddy jumped up hobbling away to get the suitcase just as

Mrs. Gardner came running over from next door. She was a lot

older than Mama and Daddy and was smaller on the top part of

her body with a very large bottom. Tess thought she looked like

a giant pear and liked sitting in her lap because Mrs. Gardner

was nice and squishy. Her gray hair was always wrapped around

hard, pink, plastic rollers. Tess wondered if she ever took them

out or if that was just the way she liked to wear her hair. Mrs.

Gardener also wore big flowery dresses, but they didn’t look like

the dresses Mama wore. They didn’t puff out on the skirt part or

have any buttons, or zippers or belts. They didn’t have a collar or

any cute bows or cuffs around the sleeves. The dresses Mrs.

Gardner wore hung straight down from her neck like a big, giant

tent. Sometimes Mama and Daddy would giggle together and say

things like, “It must be a special occasion. Mrs. Gardner bought

a new Muumuu.” Tess would laugh too, but she didn’t know

why. All Tess knew was that she hated wearing any kind of

dress.

The last time Mama tried to make Tess wear a dress, she

screamed and screamed like she was dying and ran out of the

house naked. She was half way down the block before Mama

caught up with her. Tess didn’t care that the neighbors had come

out of their houses or that they were laughing at the sight of a

naked Tess kicking and screaming while Mama struggled to

carry her back to the house. She wasn’t wearing that stupid frilly

lace dress no matter what. After that day, Mama allowed Tess to

wear whatever she wanted. Sometimes after seeing Tess wearing

jeans, Daddy would make a comment that little girls should be in

dresses and Mama would say, “By all means, be my guest. Try

to get her in one.” Daddy never tried so Tess remained in pants.

Which suited her just fine, thank you very much.

All of Mrs. Gardner’s kids were grown up and had moved

out of the house. The year Tess was born Mr. Gardner had died

so Tess didn’t remember him. Mrs. Gardner called him an

“ornery son of a bitch” but Daddy said Mr. Gardner had worked

hard for the railroad all his life and just wanted some peace and

quiet. He said that the only way Mr. Gardner would ever get any

peace and quiet away from his yappy wife was to go to sleep

underground. And so that’s what he did. If Tess had known Mr.

Gardner, she would have let him climb her favorite tree. It was

pretty peaceful up there. Maybe if he’d had a tree to sit in he

wouldn’t have died and left Mrs. Gardner all alone.

Tess liked Mrs. Gardner. She came over to the house in the

mornings after Daddy went to work and her and Mama would sit

at the kitchen table drinking coffee. Mrs. Gardner always

brought a bottle of brown liquid that she poured into their coffee.

“Just a little nip takes the edge off,” Mrs. Gardner would say and

then she and Mama would tap their coffee cups together and

laugh. The more coffee they drank the funnier everything

seemed to be.

Mama walked over and kissed Tess on the top of the head.

“You be good and listen to Mrs. Gardner. I will be home soon

and you’ll have a new baby brother or baby sister. Isn’t that

exciting?”

“Who’s gonna make my lunch?” Tess asked.

Mrs. Gardner placed a gentle hand on Tess’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry Lovebug, I’ll make your lunch.”

Tess looked up into Mrs. Gardners’ kind, wrinkly eyes.

“Mama peed on the floor. Can we go to McDonalds?”

Mama sighed while reaching into her purse for a cigarette.

Her face began to twist in pain as she accepted a light from Mrs.

Gardner. She inhaled deeply blowing out a large cloud of smoke

before saying to Mrs. Gardner, with a shake of her head, “My

water broke while I was making lunch.” She pressed hard on her

big belly taking another drag. “I didn’t pee.”

Mrs. Gardener smiled and nodded. “I figured that’s what

she meant.”

“Those jumping jacks must have done the trick. This baby

is coming fast.” Mama groaned in pain.

“Didn’t I tell you? Sometimes the lazy babies just need a bit

of shaking to get things moving. When my youngest was three

days past his due date, I started doing jumping jacks and that

very night he popped right out.” A concerned look came over

Mrs. Gardner’s’ face as she continued, “Of course Tommy never

was quite right in the head. Ah well, never you mind about that.

Your baby is gonna be fine. Now don’t you worry about a thing,

I raised six boys, I can handle this sweet girl.”

“When I grow up, I’m going to be a boy,” Tess piped in but

as usual the adults were no longer listening. Her father had

returned with a big pink suitcase and headed straight out the

front door with it. Mama watched Daddy go then rolled her eyes.

“No, no, don’t worry. I’m fine,” she muttered. She kissed Tess

on the top of the head once again and said, “I love you baby girl

and I will see you in a couple of days,” With that she waddled

after Daddy out to the Dodge Dart. Tess ran to the window to

watch her parents leave. Daddy put the suitcase in the trunk

while Mama stood by the passenger’s side door. Daddy closed

the trunk and ran around to the driver’s side. He climbed in then

started the car, revving the engine to warm it up. Mama stood

there for a minute like she was waiting for something to happen

but when nothing did, she looked up at Mrs. Gardner through the

window while throwing her hands in the air. Mrs. Gardner shook

her head and made a “tsk tsk” sound. Mama finally opened her

own car door and climbed in. Tess’s heart sank. Her father was

leaving and he never said goodbye.

“Let’s go see about that lunch,” Mrs. Gardner said as she

headed toward the kitchen.

“I’m not hungry anymore.” Tess mumbled as she flopped

onto the orange and brown flowered couch to finish watching

Daddy’s fishing show. She would have preferred to watch

cartoons but was too sad to get up and change the channel. How

could he leave without even saying good-bye?

Later that night while Mrs. Gardner lay snoring on the

couch, Tess saw two headlights pull up in the driveway. She

climbed over Mrs. Gardner and peeked out the window to see

her Daddy getting out of the car. Tess knew she was supposed to

be in bed a long time ago but couldn’t resist watching just one

more movie on television. As her father neared the house, Tess

lay on the floor and pretended to be asleep. She heard him open

the front door. He stepped over Tess to wake up Mrs. Gardner.

“Do we have a baby?” Mrs. Gardner asked, while rubbing

her eyes.

“No, not yet. The doctors said it probably wouldn’t be until

morning, so I decided to come home and get some sleep. Was

everything okay with Tess?”

Mrs. Gardner sat up on the couch, looking around as if to

remember where she was. “Oh yes. She’s just adorable.”

Tess smiled. Then remembering she was supposed to be

sleeping let out a loud snore for dramatic effect.

“Well, I guess I’ll be headed home,” Mrs. Gardner said as

she stood to leave. “Call me if you need anything.”

After the door closed Daddy said, “Stop pretending to be

asleep Tess. I know you’re awake. I saw your face in the

window.”

Tess sat up but not willing to admit to her lie gave a big

yawn while stretching her arms. “Hi Daddy,” she said. “I was

asleep.”

Daddy took a seat in his chair and waved for Tess to join

him. She crawled up in his lap laying her head on his shoulder.

“Where’s Mama?”

“She’s still at the hospital. The baby isn’t coming until

tomorrow. What are you watching on the television?”

Tess turned her attention to the screen and pointed, “That

man, he’s not real. He’s from out in the space. He’s very bad and

catches a lady to make her go to Mars with him so she could be

his girlfriend.”

“Now how did you know all of that when you were

supposed to be sleeping?” Daddy asked.

Tess twirled a piece of long blond hair around her finger

and blinked with her large brown eyes. “I don’t know. Prolly I

dreamed it.”

Daddy laughed and hugged her tight. “You know, even

when this new baby comes, you’ll always be Daddy’s number

one girl. Don’t you forget that.”

“Did you meet Mama on Mars?” Tess giggled.

Daddy laughed again and said, “Almost. I met her in

Alabama at an Army base where we were both stationed.

Tess looked up at her father with her nose wrinkled. So

much of what he said was confusing? What was an Army? What

was a stationed? What was an Alabama? Too many words she

didn’t understand.

“If you keep making that face, it will stay stuck like that.”

Daddy said. Tess was making the same face her mother did when

he tried to talk about why fishing was the greatest sport in the

world. She just didn’t get it. “When people join the Army they

become soldiers and since they all have to live together, they

send them to bases in God-forsaken places like Alabama,” he

explained.

“Mama was a soldier?” Tess asked her eyes growing big.

“Well kind of. She was a girl soldier. It’s not the same.

Women aren’t allowed to be real soldiers. Only men can be real

soldiers.”

“Why?”

“Because men are tough and strong and have to go fight the

enemy in war. If women go off to war who will stay home and

take care of the babies, and clean the house?”

Tess thought about this for a while. She’d watched her

mother clean the house and make dinner and it didn’t look like

much fun. Mama spent a lot of time picking things up off the

floor, clothes, toys, shoes, newspapers, cereal bowls. She would

put them away but the very next day they would all be back. It

seemed Mama spent a lot of time picking the same things up

over and over again. And then one day she must have decided

she was tired of picking things up off the floor. Tess was playing

in her room and she heard a pound, pound, pounding noise

coming from her parent’s bedroom. When she pushed open the

door she saw her mother on her hands and knees nailing some

clothes to the floor with a hammer. Tess asked Mama what she

was doing.

“If your father wants to leave his clothes lying around, then

they can stay here permanently. I wasn’t put on this earth to pick

up after a grown man. Hand me another nail.”

Tess picked up the box of nails and sat down next to Mama.

She handed Mama a nail and watched her smack it through a pair

of pants right into the floor. Mama must have really wanted

those clothes to stay where they were because she put about ten

or seven or fifteen nails in every pair of pants, shirts, even the

socks and underwear. It was fun! Tess got to scoot around on the

floor after Mama handing her nails one by one.

“Can I hit one, Mama?” Tess asked.

“Sure,” Mama said. She tapped the first part of the nail

through one of Daddy’s ties and then let Tess hit it in the rest of

the way. Finally Mama must have been satisfied that those

clothes weren’t going anywhere. She stood up and stretched

saying, “I think that should solve the problem. What do you

think?”

Tess laughed and said, “You’re funny, Mama.”

Later that night after Daddy got home from work there was

a lot of yelling coming from her parent’s bedroom. Daddy was

saying things like, “If I had known how crazy you were, I never

would have married you.”

And Mama said things like, “If you wanted someone to pick

up after you all day long then you should have stayed home with

your mother. I need a husband, not another child.”

After Daddy pulled all the nails out of his clothes it was

time to sit down for dinner. At the dinner table that night it was

real quiet. Tess wanted to say something to make her parents

laugh but she couldn’t think of anything funny. Mama dished up

the plates, pork chops, mashed potatoes, and canned corn. When

she set a plate in front of Daddy she asked, “Can you cut your

own meat or should I call your mother?”

Daddy got real mad and his jaw tightened. He grabbed the

pork chop off his plate and threw it across the kitchen. It hit the

dark wooden cabinet and landed with a splat on the olive green

linoleum floor. Mama calmly sat down like nothing had

happened and began to eat while Daddy sat there staring at her.

After a little while Mama lifted her eyes from her food and

looked back at him. “If you think I’m picking that up, you have

another thing coming,” she growled in a low steady voice.

Daddy growled back, “Maybe you should just nail it to the

floor.”

“Don’t tempt me.”

And then they stared. And stared. And stared.

Tess remembered once seeing a television show about the

olden days when people rode horses instead of driving in cars.

Two men wearing big hats and pointy boots stood in a dirt road

staring at each other and then all of a sudden they reached for

their guns and started shooting. Tess wondered which one of her

parents was going to shoot the other first.

“Knock knock!” she shouted not knowing how she would

finish the joke but she needed her parents to stop scowling at

each other.

“Not now, Tess,” her Daddy said before standing up. He

walked over, picked up the pork chop and threw it in the trash.

Then he mumbled that he wasn’t hungry anyway and went out to

the garage.

Mama turned to Tess, “Who’s there?”

“Huh?” Tess asked.

“Who’s at the door?”

Tess shrugged, “I don’t know.”

Mama smiled. “I don’t know who?”

“Huh?”

A piece of blond hair fell in Tess’s eyes. Mama brushed it

back saying, “Who is knocking at the door?”

“I don’t know Mama. You have to answer it to find out.”

Pushing her corn around her plate, Mama sighed. “When

you’re all grown up, promise me that you will go to college and

get a good job. A woman can’t make it in a man’s world unless

she can pay her own way. Never depend on a man to take care of

you.”

As Tess sat on her father’s lap watching the movie about an

alien from Mars she remembered her mother’s words and said, “I

don’t ever want to be a mommy. When I grow up, I’m going to

be a boy so I can be a real soldier and make my own money.”

“Sorry, kiddo, but you’re stuck being a girl. That’s just the

way it is. But hopefully when this new baby comes it will be a

boy, and you’ll have a little brother you can take care of. Won’t

that be fun? Then one day you’ll get married and maybe you’ll

get to have a son of your own.”

Tess shrugged. She still wasn’t sure why her parents needed

any new babies when they had her. She liked things the way they

were and didn’t see why it should change. “Tell me how I was

born’d.”

“Born. Not born’d. Well let’s see, I was in the Army like I

told you before and one day I was walking to the barracks and I

saw this woman in her uniform, but instead of wearing boots she

was on roller skates. She kept skating back and forth past this

one window and each time she did, she would make a silly face.

It was the funniest thing I had seen in a long time. That was your

Mama and she was roller skating by her commanding officers

window…”

“What’s a comma… comder…”

“Commanding officer is what they call your boss in the

Army and let me tell you,” he said with a laugh, “she was not too

happy with your mother. She came out of that building and

started yelling at your Mama like her head was going to explode.

I think there might have even been steam coming out of her

ears.”

The part that Daddy left out of the story was that Mama

was, what one would call, “drunk as a skunk” at the time of the

roller skating incident.

“I remember thinking that girl looks interesting. Plus

everyone knows you’re Mama is always the prettiest gal

wherever she goes. So when she was finally out of trouble and

allowed to go out on the town again, I asked her out on a date.

You’re Mama loved going to parties. She loved to dance, and

laugh and tell jokes.”

“Mama was in trouble?” Tess asked. It was strange to

imagine her mother being in trouble. Tess was used to her and

Daddy being the ones in trouble.

“Your mother spent a lot of time in trouble while she was

in the Army. You may have noticed your mother doesn’t like

being told what to do and when you are in the Army all they do

is tell you what to do. But your Mama, boy she sure had a way of

keeping things fun.” Daddy chuckled and let out a little whistle,

but Tess wasn’t sure why.

“How did she keep things fun?” Tess thought probably her

Mama had a lot of toys and games.

Daddy cleared his throat and said, “Um… she uh… Oh I

don’t know. She was just fun.”

“And then you fell in love?” Tess asked.

“Um, yeah, sure. I guess you could say that.”

“When did I get born’d?”

“Well, your Mama got out of the Army about a month

before I did and she went home to live with your Nana and

Grandpa. We said goodbye because we didn’t think we would

see each other again. I was planning on moving back to Ohio,

which is where Mimi and Pops live, but one day your mama

called me and said that when I got out of the Army I needed to

come to California and we needed to get married. So we did. Six

months later you were born.” Daddy cleared his throat adding,

“Nine months! I meant, nine months later you were born.”

“I wish I had roller skates,” Tess said as she let out a big

yawn.

Daddy stood up from the chair carrying Tess with him. “I’ll

teach you to roller skate but for now you need to get to bed.

Tomorrow Mrs. Gardner is going to come back and watch you

again while I go back to the hospital.”

But the next morning, Mrs. Gardner didn’t have to come

over and watch Tess. It turned out Mama had that baby in the

middle of the night while Tess and Daddy slept at home. She

called in the morning and told Daddy that he and Tess could

come and visit later in the afternoon. She was tired and was

going to get some sleep. She told Daddy that the baby wasn’t a

boy and now he had two daughters. Daddy tried to act happy, but

the truth was he really wanted a son. Mama knew this and the

split second sigh he released upon hearing the news didn’t go

unnoticed.

“Robert, you are the one who insisted on having another

baby. Now you got one. Sorry it’s not a precious boy but I don’t

make the rules. And if you think I am going to keep popping out

rug rats until you get a boy you are sorely mistaken, Mister. My

uterus has closed up shop.”

“Jesus Kate,” he said while rolling his eyes, “Do you have

to be so crass? I didn’t even say anything.”

“You didn’t have to. I could feel your disappointment

through the phone.” Mama sat up in her hospital bed and

snubbed out her cigarette. “I don’t know what it is with you

Catholics and your need for sons.”

Daddy was nervous to bring up the next matter at hand. He

had been so sure it was going to be a boy that he never let

himself even considered girl names. “I think we should name her

Mabel, after my mother.”

“She’s six hours old Robert, let’s not condemn her to a

lifetime of ridicule just yet,” Mama said as she reached into her

suitcase and took out one of the cans of beer she had packed. She

pulled the tab open and took a drink. It was warm but still hit the

spot. “Besides, it’s too late. I’ve already named her Grace

Elizabeth”

“And just where did you come up with that?” he asked.

“They came in and asked the babies name. I picked up a

copy of the National Enquire sitting on the bedside table. The

first picture I saw was Princess Grace of Monaco, the second

was Elizabeth Taylor. Be grateful I didn’t see Twiggy or Gina

Lollobrigida.”

Now Daddy was mad. “Well, you better march right up to

that nurse’s station and tell them you made a mistake. I’m the

father. It’s my right to name my own baby.”

Mama rolled her eyes and took another swig of beer. “You

lost that right when you decided to go home and leave me here

by myself.”

“The doctor said the baby wasn’t coming until morning!”

“And just like every other man, he was wrong.”

“I told you I was going home to check on Tess,” he argued.

“Oh please,” Mama said with a laugh, “cut the crap Robert.

You went home to watch television and sleep in the comfort of

your own bed.”

“So then why didn’t you tell me you wanted me to stay?

“I was in labor. The last thing I needed was to hear your

belly aching about how tired you were.”

“We’re changing that baby’s name!”

“No we’re not.” She answered with a bored sigh.

It was always the same. The angrier Robert became, the

calmer Kate responded. He hated her for that. It was as if any

display of emotions on his part was perceived as weakness. She

sometimes looked at him with such disdain it was all he could do

to stop himself from hitting her. Robert could feel his ears

getting red. His wife was the most stubborn, bull-headed woman

he’d ever met. “I am that baby’s father and I say we are naming

her Mable after my mother. You’re just doing this to spite me

and I’ll be damned if I let my woman wear the pants in this

family. You need to learn your place.”

“I’ll tell you what tough guy, when you sit in a hospital all

by yourself in the middle of the night and push a baby through

your twat, then you can name it.”

“I’ll bring Tess to the hospital later.” he said, wanting to get

off the phone. In all his life he never heard his mother talk to his

father like that. When he had grown up during the 40’s and 50’s,

women respected their men. They treated them like kings but

now everything was changing. Women were becoming mouthy

and the men were growing soft. He blamed the hippies. He’d

seen a special about it on the news. All those drugged out hippies

spouting mumbo jumbo bullshit. And now his own wife was

starting with that crazy feminist woman’s talk.

He’d always known Kate was a bit wild. Everyone on the

Army base knew it but that was the fun of it all. Kate was the

ring leader of the group, always coming up with some

harebrained idea that involved breaking the rules. She was young

and exciting, just out of high school, but he never thought that he

would actually marry her. They were supposed to go their

separate ways and he would go home and marry a nice Mid-

western girl. A girl who liked staying home and taking care of

the house. A girl who wanted to make her husband happy. Not

this. It was never supposed to be like this. Robert had hoped that

once Kate had Tess, she would grow up and settle down. Isn’t

that what women wanted? Wasn’t being a wife and mother a

woman’s greatest pleasure? It was for his mother.

“And don’t forget to bring me some cigarettes.” Kate said

before hanging up the phone.

Robert shook his head and hung up. What was he going to

do with her? He called Tess into the living room. “Get some

clothes on. We’re going fishing.”

That was the first day Daddy starting doing “boy” things

with Tess. It seemed from then on whenever he and Mama had

an argument, which was a lot, it was soon followed by, “Come

on Tess, we’re going…” They went to local baseball games, to

the bowling alley and once to a pool hall, but Tess wasn’t

allowed to tell Mama about that one. He taught her how to fly a

kite and how to throw a baseball but most of the time they went

fishing. Once, after a particularly nasty argument where Mama

threw a pan at what she called Daddy’s “big fat pig head” he

even took Tess camping. For two days they slept in a tent,

cooked over a fire and fished. Daddy taught Tess how to pitch

the tent and taught her the importance of knowing how to tie a

perfect knot. Tess tried hard to pay attention but it was a lot more

fun stomping in mud puddles in the Annie Oakley cowboy boots

that had once belonged to Mama when she was a little girl.

Later that day, after returning home from a day of fishing,

Daddy and Tess got cleaned up and drove over to the hospital to

see Mama and the baby. As Daddy pulled the car up to the front

of the hospital he squinted real small looking toward the front

door. Just then Tess leaned over the front seat, pointed a finger

and shouted, “Look Daddy. It’s Mama!”

“Yes, I see that. What the hell is she doing outside?” he said

to no one in particular

Daddy didn’t bother to park the car. He pulled up and left it

running in front of the hospital where Mama sat on a bench

holding a big bundle wrapped in a pink blanket. Tess hoped

Mama had bought her a new stuffed animal but even she was

smart enough to know it was probably the new baby. She’d

rather have a stuffed bear.

Getting out of the car, Daddy ordered Tess to stay put.

Not wasting a moment, Tess slid across the backseat and

rolled down the window so she could hear what Mama and

Daddy were going to talk about.

“What the heck are you doing outside?” Daddy asked.

“Waiting for you to pick me up. Did you bring my

cigarettes?”

Daddy looked confused. “Did the doctor say you could go

home?”

Mama put the baby in Daddy’s arms and said, “I don’t need

a doctor to tell me when I can go home. Say hello to your

daughter.”

Daddy uncovered the baby’s face and smiled. He looked at

the baby for a long time then looked at Mama. “Now that’s just

about the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen. She looks just like you.”

Mama came closer to Daddy and put her arm around him.

“Really? I kind of thought she looked like you.”

Daddy gave Mama a kiss and said, “We may not be perfect

but we sure do make good looking babies.”

Mama nodded. “Yes we do.”

He looked worried as he asked, “Are you sure it’s okay to

bring her home?”

Mama laughed. “She’s a baby, not a bomb. Honey, it’s

fine.”

And then they just stood there staring at that baby like they

had never seen a baby before. It was like they forgot all about

Tess waiting in the car. Well she wasn’t about to go down and be

forgotten without a fight. Tess crawled into the front seat and

used both her hands to press down on the steering wheel. The

blaring horn was really loud and kind of scary but she didn’t let

up until Mama swung open the car door and shouted, “Stop that!

Have you lost your mind?”

Tess gripped the steering wheel tightly while staring straight

with all the intensity a four-year-old could muster and stated, “I

want McDonalds.”

“Oh for the love of God,” Mama said as she closed the

driver’s door leaving Tess behind the wheel. Mama opened the

back door and said to Daddy as he handed her the baby, “Let’s

just go to McDonalds. I’m too tired to cook anyway.”

“I think someone might be a little jealous,” he said

motioning his head towards Tess.

Tess didn’t know what “jealous” meant, or who the

“someone” was they were talking about. All she knew was she

sure wished her parents would stop looking at that stupid baby

and pay more attention to her. She let out a big sigh and rested

her head on the steering wheel. This was so boring.

Daddy opened the driver’s door and climbed in. He nudged

Tess out of the way and said, “Climb in the back seat and sit

with your Mama, Sister Girl.”

Sister Girl? Tess placed her tiny hands on her father’s face

and looked him square in the eye. “My name is Tess,” she

corrected him.

Both Mama and Daddy thought this was very funny and

laughed as Daddy put the car in gear. Tess crawled over the seat

and sat next to Mama. Before she knew it, Mama was shoving

that baby in her lap and telling her she needed to protect it. But

even that wouldn’t be the biggest shock of the day.

The biggest shock of the day came when they got home. As

Tess sat at the kitchen table with Daddy eating their

cheeseburgers and fries Mama came in still carrying that thing.

Was she going to drag it around all the time? Tess had a stuffed

bunny named Bunny and even she didn’t take Bunny

everywhere. Actually, now that Tess thought about it, where was

Bunny? The last time she remembered seeing him they were

playing together up in her favorite tree.

“I’m going to put Grace to bed. Do you want to help me?”

Mama asked.

Tess looked at Daddy. She knew he would tell Mama he

didn’t want to help her with that baby; that he wanted to stay

right where he was next to his number one girl. He’d just said

she was the night before. Tess was his number one girl and it

was time Mama understood this. If Mama insisted on keeping

that baby then she needed to take care of it by herself. But Daddy

didn’t say any of that. Instead he said, “Tess, your Mama is

talking to you.”

Huh? Tess looked at Mama who seemed to be waiting for

an answer. Tess looked back at Daddy who was more interested

in squeezing ketchup on his fries than setting Mama straight on

this whole baby situation. It was in that moment that Tess

understood being number one didn’t mean much when you were

a kid. Adults still did whatever they wanted and kids just had to

take it.

Tess didn’t want to help Mama. What she wanted to do was

eat her fries in peace, and then she wanted to go outside, climb

her favorite tree and see if Bunny was up there. But once again

something told her the right answer was going to be yes. Adults

had a funny way of asking questions that seemed like the right

answer was going to be the wrong answer, like that time a year

or maybe it was a month ago, when Mama asked her if coloring

on the wall was a smart thing to do. At the time it sure seemed

like a good idea but by the way Mama’s voice sounded Tess

found herself shaking her head no even though nodding it yes

was what she wanted to do.

Tess reluctantly mumbled “sure” and grabbed a handful of

fries before climbing down from her chair. She crossed the

kitchen and headed for the door leading to the garage but looked

back when she realized Mama wasn’t following her. “Where are

you going, Sister Girl?” Daddy asked.

Tess pointed her fries toward the garage. “That’s where it

sleeps.”

Daddy and Mama looked at each other and laughed at her

once again. Tess really wished she knew what was so goddamn

funny. “You and Grace are sharing a room,” Mama said.

“Remember when we put the crib in there and I told you it was

where the new baby was going to sleep.”

Tess kind of remembered that, but it had been so long ago

she’d forgotten. Her stuffed animals slept there now. This all

seemed so unfair.

“Come on,” Mama said. “You need to get your toys out of

Grace’s bed.”

Tess dropped her fries on the floor. She didn’t want them

anymore.

“Pick those up,” Mama said. “We don’t throw food on the

floor.”

“Daddy does,” Tess argued.

Mama fixed Tess with a look that said she wasn’t in the

mood for any shenanigans. Tess picked up the fries and put them

on the plastic table cloth as Mama led her out of the kitchen

saying, “You know there are starving children in China who

would be happy to have those fries.”

While hanging her head and reluctantly following her

mother to the bedroom Tess thought this must be, by far, the

worst day of her entire life. Nothing was ever going to be the

same.