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Snow kidding

Feb. 6, 2003

David Holzel

Look! It's snowing.

Gotcha.

In the last year or so, our area has suffered more unnatural calamities

than anytime since the British sailed in and burned the White House

during the War of 1812. So no one can be blamed for being jumpy.

But snow?

This winter, I've watched helplessly as Montgomery County perfected

the art of quiet hysteria. Before the first flake is even sighted, officials

are falling all over themselves to shut down the schools. Is there a prize

for being first? We've had more snow days than Fargo. No wonder the

school year has to begin in August. No wonder test scores are falling.

For a child to learn something in class, the school first has to be open.

As far as I can see, communities are ready and willing to combat these insidious forces of precipitation -- maybe a little

too willing. On my street, I've seen the plows come by, once, twice, three times, until every last flake is piled up in a

great wall at the entrance to my driveway.

Then comes the salt. Long after most people have abandoned raining salt on their food -- because it's bad for them --

the salt trucks continue to carpet bomb the streets until the snow has not only melted, but vaporized. And if it isn't salt,

it's sand. Some days there's so much salt and sand out there it's like Dewey Beach, but without the spring breakers.

This winter, the area's southern roots are showing. When I lived in Atlanta, the first hint of some untoward weather

would unleash everyone's inner Sherman's march. Cars would go skidding off the roads. There would be a run on bread,

bottled water and batteries.

One warm, misty evening, I turned up at my synagogue for a congregational dinner. The greeter worried aloud that the

turnout was going to be low "because of the weather." I wanted to shake her and say, "But there is no weather!"

What will Montgomery County do if we have a few winters when it snows every week?

Believe it or not, there are faraway lands where the weather is exactly like that. I grew up in one of these places:

Michigan. And each year when the first snow fell, we found ourselves a little unsure. How hard should I apply the gas

when driving in six inches of snow? How much do I really need to shovel? What are the chances my car will get stuck?

(Note to SUV owners: small cars are easier for your neighbors to help push).

By the second snow, it all had come back to us and we were going about our business as usual. If it all sounds

farfetched, you may not believe that classes were canceled exactly once during all my years in school.

Let me try to tie this together. This winter isn't over. And another is on the way. We can't let it all end in a salt-choked

wasteland of dead vegetation, unused schools and untested children. We have to begin to live normally again.

Otherwise the weathermen win.

P.S.: This column will appear here the first week of each month. In case of snow, it will open two hours late.

Send comments to kschafer@gazette.net.

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