sos beacon/spring 2015

1 | P a g e Survivor Outreach Services - Beacon Spring 2015

Beacon 2015 Spring

Edition

Upcoming Events for Surviving Families

Dine & Dial – April 15th

Topic for the call is Moving Forward on Your Own: A Financial Guidebook for

Widows (www.kathleenrehl.com.) To

help Survivors navigate educational resources

including how to better grasp potential projected cash flow.

Call will be at 5:00 PM PST

to 6:15 PM PST. Dial in Number: 1-626-677-3000

Access code: 7681905#

Gold Star Wives’ 2nd Annual

Dove Release - April 25th Time: 11:30 AM – 1:00 PM Location: Memorial Park,

JBLM Cost: Free

Refreshments will follow at the SOS office afterwards. For more information call

253-967-3672.

Book Swap – May 6th 10:00 AM – 12:00 PM at

JBLM SOS office. Bring your used books to

trade with others and enjoy a chance to discuss them. For

more information call 253-967-3672.

HANDS ON CHILDREN’S MUSEUM LAUNCHES GOLD STAR SUPPORT PROGRAM FOR MILITARY FAMILIES

OLYMPIA, WASH. — Just down the road from Joint Base Lewis-McCord, the Hands On Children’s Museum in Olympia serves as a safe haven of support, encouragement and healing for military families who have lost a parent during active duty. These families are designated by the military as Gold Star families. To better support these families, the Museum just launched a new Gold Star Family Support Program that will provide free museum admission and free access to a range of parent support programs. Hands On is working with the Northwest Association of Youth Museums to extend the program to all children’s museums in Washington, Oregon and Alaska. The museum staff members were inspired to launch the program because of Museum member Krista Simpson, a South Sound mother of two young boys, whose husband Staff Sgt. Michael Simpson was killed in Afghanistan in 2013.


The program will receive start-up funding from the Simpson family foundation The Unquiet Professional in memory of Staff Sgt. Simpson. The Gold Star Military Family Support Program has received donations from the museum’s Free and Reduced Admissions program budget. “The museum has truly been a safe haven and a place of healing for my family,” Krista Simpson said. “… My vision is that the Gold Star Program will extend nationally and include all museums. My dream is that this new Gold Star Program will not only provides easy access for families, but also creates a greater awareness among the public of what it

means to be a Gold Star Family.” The Gold Star Family Support Program is one of the Museum’s two dozen Free and Reduced Admissions Programs that serve 80,000 children and families each year. The program was launched during the Museum’s annual Imagine That! Breakfast event, which raises money to support the Museum’s free access programs. Congressman Denny Heck presented Simpson with a U.S. flag flown over the state capitol in honor of her husband’s service and her family’s sacrifice. For more information about the Gold Star Family Support Program, visitors can call the museum at 360-956-0818 x0. About Hands On Children’s Museum The Hands On Children’s Museum is the premier family learning destination in the South Sound region. It serves nearly 300,000 visitors annually, making it the most-visited children’s museum in Washington State. The Museum’s mission is to stimulate curiosity, creativity and learning through fun, interactive exhibits and programs for children, families and school groups and its programs and exhibits are designed to encourage interaction and inquiry, as well as participation from the entire family. For more information about the Hands On Children’s Museum its Free & Reduced Admission Programs, visit hocm.org.


Survivors Corner: Moving Forward

By Sherri Nehl I haven’t moved on. I don’t know that I ever will. Instead, I deliberately take steps in my life to move forward. I lost my husband, James, two years ago. I immediately knew that life would not and could not ever be the same; the dreams we had of our life together no longer existed as I knew it. I had to find a way forward even when I did not know what would happen the next day, let alone the months or years to come. So I made goals; short term, attainable goals where I could focus my energy (and anxiety). I surrounded myself with support, and I made sure there were ways that I could take care of me so I had the emotional and mental stability to provide a happy home for my son.

Goals We had to move. We had been stationed at Fort Riley for less than a year when James was killed. I had to determine where we were even going to live before we could do anything else. Once I accomplished that, it became, what do I do with myself? I knew I wasn’t ready to go back to work, especially with a toddler who had already experienced so much change and turmoil in his short life, that I wanted some semblance of stability. So I went back to school. I didn’t just go back to school, I threw myself into it. For me, that year of school was essential. It provided focus in my life at a time when I was sure that I would collapse from the pain and uncertainty of that first year. Then came the job. I was so unsure of whether I would be able to find a job after not working for a few years. Could I emotionally handle it? Could I find one that had flexibility in hours, and was close to home, critical as a single parent? Fate, kharma, or divine intervention, but somehow the perfect job showed up at the perfect time in our lives. My goals have not been full proof, and there have certainly been bumps along the way, but they provided me with focus which allowed me to keep moving forward.

Support I made the decision to move across the county to a place where I don’t know anyone other than my in-laws who I was not particularly close to prior to the loss of my husband. I made that decision based on the way that my husband and I, together, had agreed to raise our son. Moving to Washington allowed an outdoorsman lifestyle that moving “home” to Dallas with my family did not provide. It was a very difficult decision, but one that I still stand by for the best interest of my son. There have been learning curves as we have all gotten to know each other a little better. It has certainly come with its difficulties while we all deal with our grief. But support for my son has been unwavering and that has been invaluable.

Taking Breaks I may have chosen to live apart from my friends and family who are scattered across the country, but I know that I can pick up the phone at any time and someone will be there. I have also made it a fixture that we go and visit. My poor son probably has more frequent flier miles than most adults! But he loves it. He loves going to the airport and going and visiting his Nina and Pop in Texas. His has so much fun visiting his friends Elle, Konin, and Karley when we meet them in exciting places for new adventures. And I get the time to visit and have “me” time with friends to recharge my own batteries. So here I am, two years later, and I am still moving forward. Short attainable goals. I still make them, but now I feel like I am in a place where I can look more than six months out at a time and know that we will make it through. There is never an easy day. Every day I wake up missing my husband, every night I go to sleep alone. There will always be an emptiness where he should be, but I find ways to keep moving.


The Critical Importance of Seeking Support:

Learning from the Geese

By Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD (used with permission) If there is ever a time in life when we need others to support and nurture us, it’s when someone we love dies. In many ways, grief work is the most difficult work we will ever do. And hard work is less burdensome when others lend a hand. Sharing the devastation that results from the death of someone precious won’t make the hurt go away, but it does make it more bearable. In reflecting on this need to support each other during times of grief, we might be well served to observe the five natural instincts for support and companionship demonstrated by wild geese. OBSERVATION ONE: When the flock is on a journey, the flapping of the wings of each individual goose results in uplift for the bird that follows. By flying in a “V” formation, the entire flock achieves 71 percent greater flying range than if each bird flew alone. IMPLICATION: When we are grieving the death of someone loved, we too are on a journey. Others who are grieving are on a similar journey, and we can all be uplifted by journeying together. No, you need not travel alone, nor should you try! OBSERVATION TWO: Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it experiences the drag and resistance of trying to fly alone. The goose then realizes it needs to get back into formation to take advantage of the collective lifting power of the flock. IMPLICATION: Just as geese are well served to stay in formation with those on a similar journey, we as humans are better off if we accept the lifting power of those who go before us. We are grace-filled when we open ourselves to the support of our fellow travelers. OBSERVATION THREE: If any one goose has a problem, two other geese will always drop out of formation and follow the wayward goose to help support and protect it. They stay present to the goose that has special needs until it is able to continue the journey on its own. IMPLICATION: If we humans can learn from the wisdom of geese, we will always companion each other in difficult times. Receiving help from others strengthens the bonds of compassion and love that help us survive when we are devastated by loss. OBSERVATION FOUR: When the goose leading the flock gets tired and overwhelmed, it rotates back into the formation, and another goose flies at the point position. IMPLICATION: No one person on a grief journey can lead the way all the time. At times it is wise to acknowledge that you are tired and need others to care for you and protect you from the headwinds. OBSERVATION FIVE: While flying in formation, the geese honk to each other as a form of encouragement and mutual support.


IMPLICATION: There are times in life when we all need encouragement from those around us to remind us of our interconnectedness. We must allow ourselves to rely on each other, otherwise when we are in grief we end up feeling totally alone and completely isolated. WHERE TO TURN FOR HELP “There is strength in numbers,” one saying goes. Another echoes, “United we stand; divided we fall.” This is a time in your life when you need to let other people in. You needn’t let everyone in all the time, but I encourage you to make room for those you trust the most. Carefully chosen friends and family members with whom you feel safe can often be at the center of your support system. Seek out people who encourage you to be yourself and who acknowledge your many thoughts and feelings. Open your broken heart a little at a time to those people in your life who are compassionate and loving listeners. In an ideal world, this is your family and friends. If this is not true for you, my hope is that you will seek out other sources of support. The darkness that grief brings into your life is a place from which you might be tempted to judge others, particularly their motivations. True, they cannot feel your profound loss the way you do, so don’t expect them to be able to do so. Except in cases in which there is evidence that you can’t trust someone’s intentions, try to be open to letting others be of support to you. Remember, you are doing the best you can, from moment to moment, from day to day. You may also find comfort in talking to a minister or other religious leader. When someone loved dies, it is natural for you to feel ambivalent about your faith and question the very meaning of life. A clergy member who responds with empathy to all of your feelings can be a valuable resource. Just be certain the clergyperson you look to for support is a good match for your unique needs. A professional grief counselor may also be a very helpful addition to your support system. In fact, a good counselor can be something friends and family members can’t be: an objective listener. A counselor’s office can be a place of sanctuary where you can give voice to those feelings you may be afraid to express elsewhere. As with everything else in this overwhelming grief journey, counseling is an intensely personal choice. However, when you find the right counselor, you may well have found a safe haven in which to experience the terrifying jumble of feelings impacting you. Many mourners discover that grief support groups are one of the best helping resources. In a group, you can connect with others who have experienced similar thoughts and feelings. You will be allowed and gently encouraged to talk about the person who died as much and as often as you like. In these groups, each person can share his or her unique grief experience in a nonthreatening, safe atmosphere. Fellow group members are usually very patient with each other and understand your need for compassionate support with no set time limits. As a grief counselor, I have been privileged to have thousands of grieving people reach out to me for help. Among the lessons they have taught me is that sharing their grief with others is an integral part of the healing process. Perhaps it is helpful to remember that by definition, mourning means “the shared response to loss.” Remember, help comes in different forms for different people. The trick is to find the combination that works best for you and then make use of it. I hope this article has helped you understand the importance of reaching out for help during this time in your life. Please don’t try to confront your grief alone. Wrap your arms around yourself, but also open your arms to the loving support that wants to embrace you. You need and deserve companions—friends, relatives, counselors, and others who have experienced similar losses—who will walk with you as you make the difficult journey through grief.


Gardening Your Way Through Grief

Spring is here after a seemingly short and mild winter. It is a perfect time to garden in the Pacific Northwest, whether that is starting a new garden or spring cleanup in an established one. Many grief counselors and survivors suggest that gardening can be a positive way to cope with grief. This article presents some of their advice and personal accounts on a possible role for gardening in grieving process. A Good Outlet: “Gardening is a good outlet. Funny thing about the stages of grief, you don’t check them off in an orderly fashion, you cycle through them repeatedly. Just when I think I am through anger, a trigger will have me up in arms again. Attacking a bed of stubborn weeds, hauling rocks or blowing up gopher holes with gas bombs has been a productive channel for all that energy! I am sometimes overwhelmed with emotions…my little patch of earth seems to be able to absorb it.” (extracted from Gardening through Grief, by Kristin after she lost a best friend)

A Means to Express Grief: “Creative projects can help a grieving person find a way to express grief. Remembering someone, whether in writing, song, or other artistic media, can be very therapeutic. A grieving person may not know the words, or the words do not exist, to adequately express the deep emotion of grief. Turning to other means of expressing the grief can help bring that grief to life.” (extracted from Creatively Coping with Grief, by Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT)

A Safe Place: “The garden is a safe place, a benevolent setting where everyone is welcome. Plants are non-judgmental, non-threatening and non-discriminating. They respond to the care given.” (adapted from Green Nature, Human Nature by Charles Lewis) A Way to Carry On: “Since the loss of [my daughter] I have found many benefits to gardening, not least a calm acceptance of the life and death cycle that all living things experience. It still is no cure for loss, the loss will always be with me, but it is a way of carrying on and experiencing the best of the world…With gardening, there is always next year. There is always hope.” (extracted from Grief Gardening, an article about Sarah Wint) A Sense of Hope: “I think that not only does [the garden] remind me of her, and brings back memories of her, it just gives me that sense of hope that there is always something new going on in the garden…I always find something new to enjoy there, something to have hope in." (extracted from The Grieving Garden: Simple Ways to Cope With Trauma and Loss by Leann Reynolds, article about survivors)


.

WA Survivor Outreach Services

(SOS) JBLM

AFCS Annex Bldg. 2166, Liggett Ave &

12th S. St.

Financial Counselor, Ryki Carlson 253-967-3672

JBLM

Casualty Assistance Office

Waller Hall Bldg. 2140, Liggett Ave.

253-966-5890

JBLM Retirement Services

Office Waller Hall

Bldg. 2140, Liggett Ave. 253-966-5881

Tricare Beneficiary Services

Pam Eisfeldt at 253-973-1814

Veterans Affairs Representative Obra Kent at 206-604-4045

JBLM

Tax Center CPT Meghan McClincy

253-967-2463 Meghan.a.mcclincy.mil@

mail.mil

www.facebook.com/sos

wastate

Bibliography: Bruce, Hank, Horticultural Therapy with Hank Bruce,

http://horttherapywithhankbruce.weebly.com/index.html Dyer, Kirsti, Creatively Coping with Grief,

http://connect.legacy.com/inspire/page/showid=1984035%3APage%3A6731. Dying Matters, Grief Gardening, http://dyingmatters.org/page/grief-gardening Lewis, Charles A, Green Nature/Human Nature: The Meaning of Plants in our Lives, 1 Feb 1996. Kristin, The World Keeps Spinning…Gardening through Grief,

http://www.littlepurplebarn.com/gardening-through-grief/, 25 Apr 2013. Reynolds, Leann, The Grieving Garden: Simple Ways to Cope With Trauma and

Loss, The Huffington Post, 14 Mar 2014. Wint, Sarah, The Heartfelt Garden, 16 Aug 2012.

Stress Management Tips

1. Take a walk – It forces you to breathe deeply and improves circulation.

2. Take a deep breath – Breathing from your diaphragm oxygenates your blood, which helps you relax.

3. Dial a friend – Sharing your troubles can give you a new perspective, make your feel cared for and relieve your burden.

4. Stretch – Stretching loosens muscles and encourages deep breathing.

5. Tend to your garden – Garden helps you get out of your head and lets you commune with nature, a known stress reliever.

6. Pet an animal – Petting an animal for just a couple of minutes helps relieve stress and lower blood pressure according to studies.

7. Play some music – Pick some tunes that relax you since music can do everything from slow heart rates to increase endorphins.

8. Count to 10 – Take a moment for yourself. 9. Drink some tea – Enjoy the calming properties

of tea (chamomile, catnip, passionflower, or hibiscus).

10. Focus – Heighten your awareness of the moment by focusing intently on an object.

sos beacon/spring 2015

Documents