IloveMelanieShankle.SheisabeautifulconglomerationofsomanythingsIappreciate,andeachofthemisobviousinthesepages.She’sprofoundlyinsightful,witty,relatable,wideopen,andpassionateaboutJesus.Shelikespeople,andIlikethatinaperson.Inthisbook,Melanielivesherlifewithusandinvitesustoliveourliveswithher.Relishthisride,sister!Youwon’tbesorryyoutookit.

BETHMOORENewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorandBiblestudyteacherInhermemoir,Melanieusesanirresistiblecombinationofdab-the-corner-of-your-eyeemotionandlaugh-so-loud-you-scare-the-cathumor.EverychapterofSparklyGreenEarrings—actually,everypage—isasplendidjourneythroughsudden,side-splittinglaughterandutterlyrelatabletears...andbacktolaughteragain.Shecaptureseveryfear,crazynotion,nervousbreakdown,anddesperatemomentofnewmotherhoodsoexpertlyandhilariouslythatIactuallywonderedifshe’dtappedintomymemoryofhavingmyfirstchild.Andallthroughoutthebook,asCarolinegrowsandstartsschool(andhasaveryshortstintinBrownies),Melanieestablishesjusthowmuchherfaithhasguidedandpropelledherthroughthismiraculousprivilegeknownasmotherhood.Hermemoirisnothingshortofadelight.

REEDRUMMONDNewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofThePioneerWomanCooksWhathappenswhenyoureadabookthat’sonepartBlueLikeJazz,onepartAnitaRenfroe,andtwopartsBigMama?Youlaughtooloud,nodtillyourneckhurts,andthrowyourhandsupwitharelievedyes!Simplyput:IloveMelanieShankle,andeverypageofthisbookshimmerswithherfabulousvoice,honesthilarity,andthelightofaSaviorthatmakeseventhewackiest,hardestdaysofmotherhoodsomehowglimmerwithsomethinggrand.SparklyGreenEarrings—theperfectaccessorytobedazzledbygraceandmorethanaglintofGod.

ANNVOSKAMPNewYorkTimesbestsellingauthoroftheOneThousandGiftsMelanie’swritingisinsightful,hilarious,andfullofencouragementforthejourney.SparklyGreenEarringsisrefreshmentforthesoul.Forallthereasonsthousandsofpeopleloveherblog,youwillbesmittenwithherbook.MostlybecauseyouwillfallinlovewithMelaniethroughitspages,andmoreimportant,withtheGodsheserves.

KELLYMINTER

Biblestudyauthor,writer,andspeaker

Melaniehastheraregiftofmakingyouembarrassyourselflaughingwhileconsideringthedeeperundertonesofeachstory.Idon’tknowamamawhowouldsaythatparentingisexactlywhatshethoughtitwouldbeallthetime.It’sadelicatedancewedo,thisbalancingoftheordinaryandtheholy,andoftenwegetitwrong.Theabilitytopullthehumanityoutandexamineitinthewakeofwhatreallymattersisnotaneasytask,butit’soneMelaniehasdoneexquisitely.Aswriters,weprayourwordsstringtogetherinawaythatconnectsourfleshtotheStoryteller,andI’msohonoredtohavemyendorsementonabookthatdoesthataswellasthisonedoes.Idareyoutoreaditwithoutlaughing,withoutseeingyourownlifeembeddedinitscorners.You’reinforajourneywithabeautifulwomanwho,inmyestimation,hasalotmorelightcatchingtodoaroundamillionmoreturns.Herwit,humility,andtruewritingabilitywillmakeyouwanttochaseherasshegoes.

ANGIESMITHAuthorofIWillCarryYouandWhatWomenFear

VisitTyndaleonlineatwww.tyndale.com.

Visittheauthor’sblogatthebigmamablog.com.

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SparklyGreenEarrings:CatchingtheLightatEveryTurnCopyright©2013byMelanieShankle.Allrightsreserved.

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AuthorphototakenbyCatherineHornbergerofPeacockPhotography,copyright2011.Allrightsreserved.

DesignedbyJenniferGhionzoliEditedbyStephanieRische

PublishedinassociationwithWilliamK.JensenLiteraryAgency,119BamptonCourt,Eugene,Oregon97404.

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LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataShankle,Melanie.

Sparklygreenearrings:catchingthelightateveryturn/MelanieShankle.

p.cm.

ISBN978-1-4143-7171-9(sc)

1.Shankle,Melanie.2.Motherhood—UnitedStates.3.Motherhood—Religiousaspects—Christianity.I.Title.

HQ759.S461532013

306.874'30973—dc232012030434

PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica19181716151413

7654321Build:2013-01-0310:13:45

ToCaroline:Ifitweren’tforyou,thisbookwouldn’texist.

Youaretheabsolutelightofmylife.Youhavebroughtmejoy,laughter,andmorehappinessthan

you’lleverknow.You’llalwaysbemybestgirl.

Contents

TheBookofDreams

Chapter1:Death,Taxes,&Motherhood

Chapter2:EightPregnancyTestsLater...

Chapter3:TheWorstSummerEver

Chapter4:IntheGhetto

Chapter5:Shamu&theChickenSpaghetti

Chapter6:IWantedMyEpiduralintheFirstTrimester

Chapter7:StraightfromHeaven

Chapter8:ThatTimeIDidn’tSleepforFourYears

Chapter9:WarBuddies

Chapter10:BacktoWork,BacktoReality

Chapter11:PottyTraining:BringingPeopletoTheirKneesSinceForever

Chapter12:WeDon’tThrowSand

Chapter13:LettingItAllHangOut

Chapter14:ICanNoLongerBringHometheBacon

Chapter15:PuttingtheCrazyonDisplay

Chapter16:LifestylesoftheSick&Feverish

Chapter17:Nitpicking

Chapter18:ReadyfortheWorld

Chapter19:TheBig,BadWorldofElementarySchool

Chapter20:It’saParty&I’llCryIfIWantTo

Chapter21:OneIsn’tAlwaystheLoneliestNumber

Chapter22:BrothersfromAnotherMother

Chapter23:LikeaBandofIdiotsWeGodowntheHighway

Chapter24:TheDreamoftheWheatiesBox

Chapter25:AdorableCookieSalespersoninPolyester

Chapter26:Caroline,theWitch,&theWardrobe

Chapter27:LittleStepsofLettingGo

Acknowledgments

AbouttheAuthor

TheBookofDreams

Okay.Y’all.Apparentlythehardestpartofwritingabookisfiguringoutwheretobegin.It’scertainlynotthatIhaven’talwayswantedtowriteabook,becauseIhave.I’vewantedtowriteabookeversinceIreadStarringSallyJ.FreedmanasHerselfbyJudyBlumeinthefifthgrade.SaywhatyouwantaboutAreYouThereGod?It’sMe,Margaret,butIhavealwaysbeenpartialtoSallyJ.

Andsomyloveofthewrittenwordcompelledmetostartablogalmostfiveyearsago,whenmydaughter,Caroline,wasnotquitethreeyearsold.IknewIshoulddocumentherchildhood,andIalsoknewtherewasnowaythatwasgoingtohappeninanysortofscrapbookformunlessIpaidsomeonetodoitformebecauseallthosedifferentpapersandscissorsandstickerstotallyfreakmeout.Ihavewaytoomanyperfectionistictendenciestotakeonsomethingthatrequiresallthatcuttingandpasting.

Inashortsightedturnofevents,IchristenedtheblogBigMama.IsayshortsightedbecausetherearenowtimeswhenI’moutinpublicandsomeonewillrecognizemeandcallout,“BIGMAMA!”AndtheneveryoneinStarbuckswillturnaroundtoseeifMartinLawrenceisthere.

ButthenameBigMamaseemedappropriateatthetimebecausethat’swhatCarolinecalledmeinthosedays.Wewereinthatmodeofgettingridofthepacifiermymother-in-lawsaidshenevershouldhavehadinthefirstplaceandlearningtousethepottylikeaBIGGIRL,andCarolinedecidedtherewasnohighercomplimentthatcouldbegiventhanBIG.AndsoIbecameBigMama.

JustlikeI’dalwaysdreamed.Andthat’sthethingaboutmotherhood.It’snotlikeanythingyouimagine

whenyou’reeightyearsoldandplayingwithyourbabydollsanddreamingofthedayyouwillhavefivechildrenandnamethemCandy,Andy,Randy,Sandy,andMandy.Orwasthatjustme?

andMandy.Orwasthatjustme?WhydidIthinkitwasagoodideatohavechildrenwithrhymingnames?

Moreimportant,whydidIthinkI’deversurvivefivechildren?Probablybecausemyonlyexperienceinvolveddressingupplasticdollswithsynthetichairthatnevertalkedbackorhadthekindofexplosivediarrheathatruinedsixoutfitsinfourhours.ExceptthatonetimeBabyAlivepoopedabigpieceofmoldonme.

Realmotherhoodisdifferent.It’sbetterandit’smessierandit’smorecomplicated.Itwillbreakyourheartandmakeyoulaughharderthanyoueverimagined.Youfindyourselfalternatingbetweenfeelinglikeyourfriendstalkedyouintosomesortofpyramidschemesoyoucouldshareintheirmiseryandthinkingthisisthemostfulfillingthingyou’veeverdoneinyourlife.

Anditmakesyourealizethatifyoureallyloveyourchildren,thenyouprobablyshouldn’tgivethemallnamesthatrhyme.

Theothernight,longafterI’dtuckedCarolineintobed,Iwentbackintoherroomtocheckonherand,truthfully,towatchhersleep.I’llnevergettiredofseeingthewayshecurlsherhandupbyherfaceandthewayherlipsrelaxandthewayherlongeyelashesrestonhercheekswhileshesleeps.Nottomentionit’soneofthefewtimesinthedaywhenshe’snotarguingwithmeaboutthecoloroftheskyoraskingmetohelpherdigaholeinthebackyard.

Lyingnexttoherwasastackofpapersfilledwithherdrawings.Therewasapageentitled“ClothesIWanttoWear,”completewithillustrations.Fromallappearancesitlookslikeshehasbigplanstodonalotofmuumuuswithgiantshoes.I’vealwayswantedadaughterwithambitionstodresslikeamodern-dayMrs.RoperfromThree’sCompany.Andtherewasapagecalled“PlacesIWanttoLive,”withthesubtitle“BeverlyHills.”Theaccompanyingsketchfeaturedherwalkingdownapalm-tree-linedsidewalkwithaChihuahua.IholdJamieLeeCurtisandacastofPrada-wearing,talkingdogsdirectlyresponsibleforthatdream.

AsIlookedthroughallthepages,Iappreciatedtheinsightitgavemeintoherlittlemind.SometimesthedaysgetsobusythatImissthesethings.Then,asIstackedthepaperstoputthemonhernightstand,Isawatitlepagethatread,“Caroline’sBookofDreams.”

There’snowayshecanknowthatsomeofthebestdreamsshe’lllivearetheonesshecan’tevenimaginerightnow.ThedreamsthatGodhasplantedinherheartthatshehasn’tuncoveredyet.EventhoughwearingamuumuuandwalkingaChihuahuainBeverlyHillsaren’tnecessarilybadambitions.

Overtheyears,peoplebegantotellmeIshouldwriteabook.AndIreallywantedto.Exceptforthewholepartthatactuallyrequiredmetositdownandwrite.ButthenIdecided,howcouldelevenpeopleandmydadbewrong?

SoI’mwritingthisbook.ThisismyBookofDreams.Theonesthatcametrueandtheonesthatdidn’t,theonesthatmakemelaughandtheonesthatmakemecry.Almostnoneoftheminvolvewearingamuumuu,butalloftheminvolvebeingamother.

Chapter1

Death,Taxes,&Motherhood

IalwaysassumedI’dhaveachildsomeday.LikedeathandtaxesandBarbaraWalters,itseemedlikeaninevitablepartoflife.ButIcan’tremembertheexactmomentPerryandIdecideditwastimeforustobringourownlittlepersonintotheworld.

However,Icanguaranteewedidn’tputnearlyasmuchthoughtintoitasweprobablyshouldhave.Imean,it’sapersonwe’retalkingabout.Weweremakingthedecisiontocreateandthenraiseahumanbeing.Whichismuchdifferentthanadog,despiteallthosewell-meaningpeoplewhocomparetheirexperienceofraisingapuppytohavingababy.

And,bytheway,Iwasthatperson.ItmakesmewanttogobackintimeandgougeoutmyowneyeswhenIthinkofhowmanytimesIcomparedmybestfriendGulley’sstoriesofsleeplessnightswithhernewbornsontomyownharrowingtalesofgettingoutofbedtoletourpuppy,Scout,outsidetogotothebathroom.

Yes,that’sthesame.Idiot.IthinkPerryandIbothhadthesameperceptionofparenthood—something

alongthelinesof“Howhardcanthisbe?Afterall,we’veraisedapuppy.”WhichisprobablythesamethingCujo’sownerthought.Andweallknowhowthatturnedout.

ButifIreallythinkhard(whichissomethingItrynottodoveryoften),I’dsaythewholebabythingbeganasPerryandIdrovehomefromabeachvacationonedayinJune2001.We’djustspentthreegloriousdaysatthebeach,fishingandreadinganddoingwhateverotherrelaxingpastimesweusedtodopriortobecomingparents.I’dgiveyouallthedetails,butthisisn’tthatkindofbook.

WehadthewindowsdownandtheBeastieBoysturneduploud.(Don’tjudge.BeachvacationsmeantheBeastieBoystome.It’swhoIam.Achildoftheeighties.You’vegottofightforyourrighttoparty.)Wewereacoupleoftanned,relaxedfoolslisteningtobadrapmusic.

Thenmycellphonerang.Iturneddownthemusicandflippedopenmyphone.Becausethiswasbackinthedaysofyorewhenphonesstillflippedopen

phone.Becausethiswasbackinthedaysofyorewhenphonesstillflippedopenandwereincapableoftellingyouhowwellyousleptthenightbeforeorwhatyouneededtobuyatthegrocerystoreorhowmanystepsyoutookthatday.

(Ireadsomewhereaboutaguywhosewifewhispered,“Markofthebeast,markofthebeast,”everytimeheusedhisiPhonetogetdirectionsanditwasabletopinpointhisexactlocation.)

(Don’tthinkaboutthattoolongoritwillfreakyouout.)Anyway,Iopenedmyphone,andGulleygreetedmewith,“I’mpregnant!”ImmediatelyIfelttearsstingmyeyes.Myheartdidsomekindofweirdflip

thatonsecondthoughtmayhaveactuallybeenmyarterieshardeningup,courtesyofmysteadyvacationdietofvariousformsofprocessedsnackfoods.

Iwasn’tshockedtohearshewaspregnant.Afterall,I’dbeenwithhertheweekbeforeandwatchedherdevouranentireplateoftriple-cheeseenchiladas,whichtotallyarousedmysuspicions.Thatdayshe’dsaiditwastoosoontoknowforsureifshewaspregnantbutadmitteditwasapossibility.

Three-cheeseenchiladasplusabowlofquesoseemedtoindicatetherewasagoodchanceababywaslookingforsomecalciumtobuildstrongbonesandsomefattobuildchubby,ediblebabythighs.

Iwasright.Shewaspregnant,andIcouldn’thavebeenhappierforher.ButinmyhappinesstherewasthistwingeoflonelinessorsadnessorsomeotheremotionthatIcouldn’tnaildown.Imean,thiswasGulley.Myverybestfriendintheentireworld.ThepersonI’dsharedaten-by-tenroomwithallduringcollege.Thepersonwhohaslovedmethroughallmyupsanddowns,whohasseenmelaughthehardestandcrythemostandencouragedmeineverythingfrommyfaithinGodtogettingmybangscut.Thepersonwhohasknownmesincewebelievedtherewasnofineroutfitintheworldthanapairofplaidwalkingshortswithadenimshirtandsomeloafers.Wornwithsocks.

We’vebeentogethersincethedayswe’dnailabeachtoweloverthewindowsowecouldnapalldaybeforegoingoutallnight.College:itreallyiswhereidiotsareborn.Oratleastwheretheythrive.

NowIwasafraidshewasmovingontoexcitingnewthingswithoutme.We’dmanagedtogetmarriedwithinamonthofeachother.ProbablybecauseGodknewwe’deachneedtheotheronetotalkaboutallthethingswedidn’tknowaboutmarriage,suchasHUSBANDSEXPECTDINNER.Butnowshewasheadedtowardfull-onadulthoodintheformofbecomingsomeone’smother.Shewasmovingontothingslikewearingjeansthatwentallthewaypastherbellybuttonanddiscussingthemeritsofdifferenttypesoffruitsnacksforschoollunches.

(Consideringthatwasmyperceptionofmotherhood,itshouldcomeasnosurprisethatittookmefiveyearsofmarriagetoevenconsiderit.)

surprisethatittookmefiveyearsofmarriagetoevenconsiderit.)(Havingadogdoesn’trequireanyofthosethings.)(AlthoughScoutwilleatafruitsnack,iftheopportunityarises.)Ihungupmyphone,lookedatPerry,andannounced,“Gulley’spregnant.”

Hetookhiseyesofftheroadandglancedoveratme,andIwatchedthecolordrainfromhisface.“Youwantone,don’tyou?”hesaid.

“Idon’tknow.Ihaven’treallythoughtaboutit.Maybe.Idon’tknow,”Ianswered.Whichwasallatotallie.ThetruthwasIhadthoughtaboutit.I’dthoughtaboutitalot,andIknewIwantedababy.Mostlikelyabunchofthem.Imayhaveevenhadalistofbabynamesprepared.Iwasreadytomoveontothenextphaseinourlives.

Myeyesmusthaveconveyedmyrealanswerbecauseallofasuddenhesaid,“IfeellikeI’mgoingtothrowup.Imayneedtopulloverandthrowup.”

WhatcanIsay?Imarriedromance.It’ssafetoassumethatthelasthourofourtripwasmuchquieterthanthe

previousstretchaswetriedtoignoretheenormouselephantthathadjustdroppedbetweenusontotheconsoleofthecar.

Forthenextfewmonthsweengagedintheoccasionalconversationabouthavingbabiesandlistedalltheprosandcons—andthenSeptember11happened,anditseemedlikeabadtimetobringababyintotheworld.EspeciallybecausePerrywentintosomekindofmodelikehewasacontestantonSurvivorandwehadtodothingslikestockpilebottledwaterandcansofViennasausagesinourgarage.Although,let’sbehonest—Iwouldratherdieinsomeapocalypticeventthaneatmeatthatcomesfromacan.

AndthencamethedayinJanuarywhenIdrovetoAustintobewithGulleywhileshedeliveredthemostbeautifulred-hairedbabyboyI’deverseen.Itdidn’tmatterthatherepiduraldidn’tworkthewayitwassupposedtoorthatIheardheractuallygrowlwhenherhusbandhadthepoorjudgmenttoenjoyastickofbeefjerkywhilesheworkedthroughacontraction.Allthatmatteredwasthebarrel-chested,impossiblypinklittleboyinthenurserywhomadealltheotherbabiesseemsicklybycomparison.AllIcouldthinkwas,HOWCANIGETMEONEOFTHOSE?

Butinspiteofmyfeverforthebabies,Iknewwe’dneedtowaitalittle

longerbecausewe’dalreadycommittedtochaperonemorethanahundredhighschoolstudentsonaspringbreakskitrip,andthenwehadplanstotraveltoSicilywithmyparentssoIcouldseethelandofmyancestors.Thesearewhatyoucallfirst-worldproblems.Oh,wecan’thaveababyrightnowbecausewehavetogotoColoradoandskiandthengotoItalytotourSaintPeter’sBasilica.

Lookingback,Ithinkthefunniestpartofallthisisthatwewereundertheillusionwewereincontrol.Thatababywouldhappenonourtimetable,likewewereacoupleoffertilemagicianspullingarabbitoutofahat.

Asitturnedout,thatwasn’texactlywhatGodhadplannedforus.Yes,wewouldbecomeparents(otherwisethiswouldbeashortbook),butourpathtogettingtherewasharderandfilledwithmoreheartachethanwe’dcountedon.Iguessinawayitbecameourfirstlessonintherealitiesofparenthood.Whichistosay,itcanmakeyoufeellikeamonkeyinawindstorm.

Chapter2

EightPregnancyTestsLater...

OnedayinApril2002IbegantosuspectImightbepregnant.IwishIcouldtellyoutheexactday,butI’veneverbeenverygoodatmath.I’mnotsurehowIknewprecisely,becausethesymptomswereverysimilartoPMS:irritability,boutsofcrying,andtheoccasionalurgetothrowatoasteroventhroughthekitchenwindow.ButthencameamorningwhenItriedtoeatmystandardbreakfastofchampions—DietCokewithasideofCocoaPuffs—andimmediatelyfeltlikeIneededtostickmyentireheadinthetoilet.

Ican’timaginewhyababywouldrejectabreakfastchock-fullofcaffeineandsyntheticchocolatepuffsofsugar.

Withtremblinghands,Igrabbedmycarkeysandheadedtotheclosestdrugstoretobuyasix-packofpregnancytests,becauseIknewmyselfwellenoughtobesureI’dneverbelievethefirstfive.Iamobsessiveandhaveatendencytoovercompensateinallareas,sotherewasnoreasonpregnancyshouldbeanydifferent.

TheminuteIgothome,Irantothebathroomtotakethefirsttest.Nevermindthattheinstructionssuggesteditwasbesttouseyourfirsturineoftheday.

(Ofcourse,I’vealwayshadanotoriouslysmallbladder,sohowwouldIeverknowifmyfirsturineofthedaywaswhenIgotuptogotothebathroomat1a.m.or3a.m.or6a.m.?)

(I’mnotkidding.IncollegeIusedtodriveGulleycrazybecauseIwouldgotothebathroomthreetimesinaboutaten-minutespanbeforebedinthehopethatmybodywouldforgothe3a.m.bathroomwake-upcall.)

(Itneverworked.)Anyway,Itoreopenthetest,figuredoutwhichendIwassupposedtopee

on,andthenwaitedfortheresults.WithintwominutestherewasaverydistinctdoublepinklineindicatingthatIwas,infact,knockedup.Andmyfirstthoughtwas,Ohmyword,Iampregnant.Followedimmediatelybymysecondthought,whichwas,Ohmyword,Iampregnant.

AndthenIthoughtofthatoldjokeaboutthedifferencebetweenapregnantwomanandalightbulb.

(I’msorry.Butit’strue.)

AsIsatonthecouchandwaitedforPerrytowalkthroughthedoor,Ifeltanoverwhelmingsenseofgratitudecombinedwithalittleanxiety.IthankedGodforthisnewlittlelifegrowinginsidemeandprayedthatIwouldn’tmessitup.Ababy.Weweregoingtohaveababy.Andithadhappenedsofast.IneverevengottousethelittleovulatingindicatorkitI’dboughtatthedrugstorefor$14.99.Iguessmymomhadbeenrightallthosetimesshe’dwarnedmeitonlytakesONETIMEtogetpregnant.

Perrywalkedinalittlewhilelateranddidn’tevenhaveachancetoshutthebackdoorbeforeIjumpedonhimandyelled,“I’MPREGNANT!”Wehugged,wecried,wecalledeveryoneweknewtotellthemthenews,asifwewerethefirstpeopleonearthwhohadeverconceivedachild.Itwaslikewe’dinventedfire.Orsomethingequallysignificant,likeachainofcoffeehousespoisedforworlddomination.

SeveraldayslaterIwenttothedoctor’sofficetogetmyblooddrawntoconfirmthattheeightpregnancytestsI’dtakenwereaccurate.Yes,Isaideight.I’dpurchasedtwomoreinadditiontotheoriginalsixbecauseyoucanneverbetoosure.Whatifthesevenpriortestswerealldefective?

WhenIreachedtheeight-weekmark,thedoctorhadmecomeinforaninitialultrasound,wheretheyusedsomethingthatlookedlikeacurlingirongonewrong.Perrywentwithme,andweimmediatelysawalittlebeanwithabeatingheartonthescreen.Dr.Hedgessaideverythinglookedgoodbutaskedustocomebackthefollowingweekforafollow-upultrasoundjusttomakesureeverythingwasokay.

Andhere’swhereIhavetoadmititneveroccurredtomethatsomethingmightbewrong.Ijustthoughtthiswasstandardprocedureormaybehereallylikedusandwantedtogiveusthechancetoseeourbabyagainbecauseweweresoexcited.Ithink,basedonthisinformation,it’ssafetosayI’manoptimistatheart.

Aweeklaterwewerebackatthedoctor’sofficewhilehescannedthescreentofindourbaby.Andthenhescannedsomemore.Andthensomemore.Perryheldoneofmyhands,andsuddenlyIrealizedDr.Hedgeswastakingmyotherhand.Helookedatmewithsadeyesandsaid,“I’msorry.Thebabyisgone.Thereisn’taheartbeat.”

Well,thatwasnotwhatIwasexpectingtohear.Heartbroken,IlookedupatPerryandrealizedhe’dturnedcompletelywhite.

Thedoctornoticedittoobecauseheimmediatelypressedtheintercombuttonandcalledforanursetohelpwith“abigoak”thatwasabouttogodown.Iwillalwaysrememberthatmomentbecauseeveninthesadness,Ithoughtitwasoddthathe’djustreferredtomyhusbandasabigoak.

Isattherefeelingnumbandexposed,desperatelywishingIwaswearingmorethanathin,backlesshospitalgownasDr.HedgesbegantotalktousaboutschedulingaDandCprocedureandhospitalcheck-intimesandotherlogisticstoremovethisbaby,ourbaby,whowasnolongeralive.

AllofasuddenIfeltasifIcouldn’tbreathe.TherealitystartedtofallinonmeasIgotdressedandwalkedthroughthewaitingroomfullofpregnantwomen.I’djustbeenoneofthosesmilingpregnantwomenafewminutesbefore.Now,inthespanofoneshortultrasound,Iwasfightingbacktearsandholdingaslipofpaperwithahospitalappointmenttime.Thegriefsettledinmychest,andIwantedtorunaway.Butwheredoyougowhenthepainiscomingfromsomewhereinsideyou?

PerryandIwalkedroboticallytothecarwithsuchasenseoflossoversomethingwe’djustnowrealizedwewantedsomuch.Ourbabywasgone.Slowly,IpickedupmycellphoneandstartedmakingthehardestcallsI’devermadeinmylife.

Therewasnoeasywaytotellourparentsandclosefriendsthatwe’dlostthebaby,butIwantedtogetitoverwith.Mystrategywastofacethepainhead-onandputitbehindusassoonaspossible.Whichisgreat,exceptpaindoesn’treallyworkthatway.It’ssneaky.Ithitsyouinthemiddleofthenightwhenthingsarequiet,anditwhispersthatitmaynevergoaway.AssoonasIgotmydaddyonthephoneandtoldhimournews,thedambroke.Thetearsfelllikethey’dneverstop,andmyshouldersbegantoshakeinthatwaytheydowhenyou’reheadedstraightforanuglycry.Thiswasgoingtobethefirstgrandchild,andIfeltlikewe’dleteverybodydown.

Wewerehitwiththesoberingrealitythatthiswholeparentinggigmightbealittleharderthanwe’doriginallythoughtbackwhenwebelievedthemostdifficultpartwouldbedecidingonanamethekidsontheplaygroundcouldn’tturnintoaninsult.

Chapter3

TheWorstSummerEver

Likemostthingsinlife,themiscarriageendedupbeingalotmorecomplicatedthanI’doriginallythought.PerryandIweresad,butwefiguredwe’dtryagaininamonthorso.Iwentbackforaroutinefollow-upvisittothedoctor,andtheyhadmetakeapregnancytesttoconfirmeverythinghadgoneasplannedwiththeDandC.

Thedoctordidn’tseemconcernedwhenthetestcamebackpositive.Hejusttoldmetowaitonemoreweek,takeatestathome,andcallhisofficeifitcamebackpositive.Whichisexactlywhathappened.Iwasinstructedtocomeinforabloodtestsotheycouldgetabetterreadingonmyhormonelevelsandtrytofigureoutwhatwasgoingonwithmybody.

IwasinDallasonabusinesstrip,tryingtofunctionlikeanormalperson,notsomeonewhowantedtostayinbedforevercurledupfromthesadness,whenmydoctorcalledme.(Thedoctorcalledmepersonallyonmycellphone.Nothisnurse.Notastaffmember.Thedoctor.Thiscouldn’tbodewell.)

Heexplainedthatthereweresomecomplications,andheusedwordslikemolarpregnancy,tumor,andcancer.Apparentlymybodydidn’trealizeIwasnolongerpregnant,androguecellshadbeguntocongregateinmyuteruslikeabandofterroristsplottingsomesortofjihad.Theconversationendedwithhisadviceto“gohomeimmediately.”

Thisprobablygoeswithoutsaying,butIbegantocryandcouldn’tstop.IcriedasIexplainedtomymanagerthatIneededtogetonthefirstflightoutofDallas,IcriedwhenIcalledPerrytoexplainwhatwasgoingon,andIcrieduntilIhyperventilatedwhenItalkedtomydaddyandheardtheconcerninhisvoice.

IboardedmyflighthometoSanAntonioandhavenodoubtIwasoneofthosepeoplewhofellowpassengersaredeeplyconcernedaboutbutarealittleafraidtotalktolesttheybecomeemotionallyunhinged.

Perrypickedmeupfromtheairport,andIalmostcollapsedwithreliefwhenIsawhim.Heisalwaysthevoiceofreason,theonewhowillbalancemyoutstandingabilitytogorighttotheworst-casescenarioandsetupatenttocampthereindefinitely.AsIblurtedoutallthewhat-ifsandwhys,heremainedsteadyandremindedmethatGodwasincontrolandwe’dknowmoreafterour

steadyandremindedmethatGodwasincontrolandwe’dknowmoreafterourdoctor’sappointmentthenextmorning.

AsIlayinbedthatnight,afterwe’daskedGodforwisdomandpeace,Ifeltthefearandanxietystarttosettleinagain.ButthenIheardthevoiceofGodasclosetoaudibleasanythingI’deverexperienced:“Itdoesn’tmatterwhatthedoctorssay.ItonlymatterswhatIsay.Iamincontrol.”

Peacewashedoverme,andIhadadeepsensethateverythingwasgoingtobeokay,evenifwewereonadifferentroadthanI’dplanned.

ThenextmorningIopenedmyBibletoIsaiah55andfeltthesewordsjumpoffthepage:

Youwillgooutinjoyandbeledforthinpeace;

themountainsandhillswillburstintosongbeforeyou,

andallthetreesofthefieldwillclaptheirhands.

I S A I A H 5 5 : 1 2

ItfeltlikeGod’spromisetomethatIwouldbebroughtbacktoaplaceofjoyatsomepointinthefutureevenifIcouldn’timagineitatthemoment.AndIheldontothatpromisewithcompletedesperation.

Whenwegotthedoctor’sreport,itturnedoutthatIhadn’thadanormalmiscarriage—I’dhadthedeluxeversion,thankstoapartialmolarpregnancy.Aversionthatrequiredmetogetmyblooddrawneveryweektocheckhormonelevelsanddoabunchofothermedical-jargonthingsthatwentovermyheadbecauseallIwantedtoknowwas,WhencanIhaveababy?

PerryandIrefertothistimeasTheWorstSummerEver.IwishIcouldsayIspentthisentirepostmiscarriageseasonfilledwithpeace,

butthatwouldbealie.Thereareonlysomanytimesyoucangetstuckwithaneedlebyanunsympatheticnurseandnotgetangry.Nottomentionmyhormonelevelsweren’tdroppingliketheyweresupposedtoandmyarmswerebeginningtohavetrackmarks,thankstotheaggressiveblooddraws.IknewIwasintroublewhenIcriedduringanoldepisodeofSanfordandSon.Ofcourse,thebiggerquestionmaybewhyIwaswatchingthisantiquatedtelevisionshowaboutajunkdealerandhissoninthefirstplace.Iwasinadarkhole.

BySeptemberthingsstillweren’tgoingasplanned.IwastoldthatI’dneedtohavepowerfulinjectionsofsomedrugwithanamethathadadisproportionatenumberofconsonantsinit,andbecauseofthatdrug,I’dneed

disproportionatenumberofconsonantsinit,andbecauseofthatdrug,I’dneedtowaitthreemoremonthsbeforeIcouldtrytogetpregnantagain.

Yetonlytwomonthslater,IfeltprettysurePerryandImightbepoorcandidatesforanysortof“safesex”campaign.Idrovetothestoretoloaduponpregnancytests,andittookexactlyfiveminutestoconfirmthat,yes,Iwaspregnant.Again.Aheadofschedule.Andprettyconfusedabouthowexactlythishadtranspired.Infact,whenIwenttoseemydoctorthefollowingweek,Iapologized,explaining,“I’mnotsurehowthishappened.”

Heofferedtobuymeabookaboutthewholeprocess.Ithinkhewasbeingsarcastic.Soitallbeganagain.ExceptthistimeIknewhowfragilethatlittlelife

insidemewas,largelybecauseI’dspentsomuchtimeonvariouspregnancymessageboardsontheInternet,whichmadeitseemliketherarestexceptionofallwhenbabiesactuallymakeit.Imean,haveyoureadWhattoExpectWhenYou’reExpecting?AsifIcouldn’tmakeupenoughworst-casescenariosallbymyself,nowIwasworryingaboutthingsI’dneverevenconsidered,liketoxoplasmosis.Whichapparentlyissomekindofbloodinfectionyoucangetfromacat.AndIdidn’tevenownacat.I’dthoughtaboutowningacat,though,andwhatifthatcounted?

ButatsomepointIrealizedIcouldspendthisentirepregnancyincompletefearandparanoiaaboutcatsandotherpotentialissues,orIcouldletgoandtrustthatGodwasincontrolofthislittlepersonIwasgrowingfromscratch.Irealizethattechnicallyit’snotfromscratchsomuchasthemergingofaspermandanegg,butthat’sprettydarnclosetomakingsomethingfromnothing.You’rewelcomeforthatfreereproductivelesson.

AllIknewwasthatifthispregnancywasgoingtoresultinareal,live,humanbabyIwouldraisetoadulthood,Ididn’twanttolookbackandregretthatI’dspenttheentireninemonthslivinginfearanddreadaboutwhatmighthappen.IwantedtoembraceallthemorningsIspentwithmyheadinatoiletandthemidnightrunsforsixorelevenglazeddonuts...forthebaby.IwantedtolookatbooksfilledwithbabynamesandthrowoutmysuggestionstoPerrywhilehesatonthecouchandwatchedhuntingshowsstarringTedNugentandtellhim,“NowayarewenamingthisbabyTed.OrNugent.”

TheonlyguaranteeIhadwasthatGodwasincontrol.Hewastheonewhoknewtheplanshehadformeandthislittlebabyandourfamily.AndwhileIdidn’tevenpretendtounderstandhiswaysandstillfeltalittlerawfromthemiscarriageandtheheartbreakoftheprevioussummer,Itrustedhimwiththeoutcome.SoIsatbackandpreparedtoenjoymypregnancyandprayedthatGodwouldblessuswithababywhowouldgrowintoastrong,fearlessleaderwitha

lotofpersonality.Hehasn’talwaysansweredmyprayersinthewaysI’veexpected—infact,

mostofthetimeheanswersinwaysInevercouldhavethoughtup.But,man,Ithinkthattimehewasinheaventhinking,Justyouwait.Becausewegotallthosethingsandthensome.

Nowwe’rejustholdingonfortheride.

Chapter4

IntheGhetto

GrowingupinSundayschool,IalwaysheardthatGodgiveseveryonespecialgifts.Somepeoplecansinglikeangels,othershavethegiftofencouragement,andaluckyfewcangetonthedanceflooranddanceinsuchawaythatpeoplewillformacirclearoundthemjusttowatch.

Notoneofthosethingsismygift.EventhoughthereweretimesincollegewhenIdrankenoughZimatofancymyselfquitethedancer.

Asforme,Ipossesstheuniquetalentofmakingstressfulsituationsevenmoretensebytakingonmorethananypersonwithsuchlimitedorganizationalskillsandashortattentionspanshould.(Look!Somethingshiny!)ThismayexplainwhyIconvincedPerryitwasagoodideaforustocompletelyrenovateourhomeduringmypregnancy.

Actually,we’ddecidedtostarttheprojectmonthsearlier,andIdidn’treallyseeareasontopostponeitjustbecauseIwashavingababy.SoweloadedupourtruckandwemovedtoBeverly.(Hills,thatis.Swimmingpools,moviestars...)

Exceptitwasn’tnearlyasglamorous,norwerewenearlyassophisticatedandpreparedastheClampetts.Anditwasn’tBeverlyHills.Evenso,wepackedupourentirehouseandmovedintoarentalhomeafewmilesawaywhilewebeganaconstructionprojectthatstillremainsthestrongestevidencethatourmarriagewilllastforever.Becauseifwesurvivedthat,wecansurviveanything.

There’ssomuchtalkaboutthedivorcerateintheUnitedStates,butIthinkallthatcouldchangeifoneoftherequirementsforgettingamarriagelicenseisthatthecouplemustfirstcompletesomesortofhomerenovationprojecttogether.AllthosetripstoHomeDepot,thedebatesaboutbudgets,decisionsaboutpaintcolors,andthedayyourbelovedtellsyoutherewillbenogranitecountertops—thosearethetestsoftruelove.That’swhenyouknowifthisissomeoneyouwanttobewithforthelonghaul—orwhenyourealizeyou’realreadystuckwiththatpersonforalifetime.Alifetimespentwithlaminatecountertopsinsteadofgranite.Butreally,I’moverit.

Asforus,wetookonthisenormousconstructionprojectlongafterwe’dsaidourvowsandwhileIwassimultaneouslyspendingmydaysatBabies“R”Usobsessingoverallthedifferentbottleoptionsandtryingtodeterminewhethera

obsessingoverallthedifferentbottleoptionsandtryingtodeterminewhetherawipewarmerwassomethingyouactuallyneededinordertohaveababy.

(Youdon’t,bytheway.Thatbabywillbehighmaintenanceenoughwithoutcreatingtheexpectationforawarmwetwipe.)

AndwhenIsaythatwetookontheconstructionproject,ImeanthatPerrycontractedtheentirejobandworkedtirelesslytomakesureeverythingturnedoutthewaywewantedwhileIcriedeverynightbecauseIwasworriedthehousewouldn’tbereadyontimeand,ohmyword,whatifwehadtobringournewbabygirlhometoarentalhouseinsteadofhernewpinknursery?

I’dliketoblamepregnancyhormonesformyconstantobsessionoverwhenthehousewouldbefinished,butIknowI’dactthesamewaytomorrowexceptIwouldn’tbeabletosingachorusof“IntheGhetto”byElvisPresleytodrivehomemypointbecausethewords“apoorlittlebabychildisborn—intheghetto”wouldn’thavethesameimpactnowthatthebabyiseightyearsold.

IevenclimbedonscaffoldingtohelphangcrownmoldingwhenIwaseightmonthspregnantinmydesperationtogetthehousefinished.Irealizethisdoesn’ttrumpMaryhavingtoridetoBethlehemonadonkeyandgivebirthinastable,butitfeelslikeaclosesecond.

WemovedbackintothehouseexactlytwoweeksbeforeCarolinewasborn,inspiteofthefactthatwehadnokitchencountertopsorothernecessarycomponentsthatmakeupakitchen.Butwehadthepinknursery,andthat’sallthatreallymattered.Whoneedsanovenwhenyouhavedarling,whimsicallettersthatspellCAROLINEhangingonapinkwallandafresh,whitecribthatthebabywon’tactuallysleepinforseveralmonths?

Alongthewaytherewerehighpointsandlowpoints.AndthentherewasJoe,theguywehiredtotileourshower,whohadneveractuallyinstalledtile.

Joetiledtheshowerstallinournewmasterbathroom.WeoriginallyhiredamannamedMr.BaldoofBaldoandSonConstructiontoworkontheshowerandothervariousjobs,butMr.Baldotookoffwithourmoneybeforeheevercompletedalltheworkwe’dhiredhimtodo.

Ofcourse,weshouldn’thavebeenshockedbythisturnofevents,consideringhe’dalreadyadmittedtousthathedidn’tactuallyhaveason,eventhoughhisbusinesswasnamedBaldoandSon.Iguesshejustfeltthatthe“andSon”gavehimanairoflegitimacy,muchlikeFredSanford.

Son”gavehimanairoflegitimacy,muchlikeFredSanford.Twomonthsbeforemyduedate,wefoundourselveswithoutatileguyand

withashowerthatdesperatelyneededtobetiled.Andit’safactoflifethatattheintersectionofcrazyanddesperate,you’llfindloweredstandards.Oneofoursubcontractorsmentionedthathisbrother-in-law,Joe,mightbeavailabletodosometilework,sowecalledhim.Hewasmorethanhappytotakethejob,hispricewasreasonable,andbestofall,hecouldstartthenextday.

Joeshoweduppromptlythenextmorningwithhisbucketofgroutandbeganlayingtileintheshower.Heturnedouttobequitetheconversationalist,andwhilehewasworking,hebegantochatextensivelywithPerry.Theytalkedabouttheneighborhoodandourconstructionproject,andthenJoesaid,“Youknowwhat,Mr.Perry?Ididn’tevenknowhowtoinstalltileuntillastweek,butIboughtavideoatHomeDepot,andnowIthinkIknowwhatI’mdoing.”

Well.Thatcertainlyiscomforting,Joe.You’dthinkhemighthavekeptthatbitofinformationtohimself,butIguess

Joewasafirmbelieverinbeingtransparent.Wesoondiscoveredhewasafirmbelieverinsomethingelsetoo.

PerryreturnedtothejobsiteonemorningandcouldtellJoehadleftinahurry.Histoolswerestrewnaboutthebathroom,andhehadn’tcoveredthebucketofgrout.WhenJoeshowedupthatday,Perryaskedhimwhathadhappened.Joeinformedhimourhousewashauntedandweneededtohavesomesortofexorcism.

Okay,sure.Let’sgetthatscheduled.Whatareyourthoughtsonanicehousewarmingpartycombinedwithanexorcism?Willpeoplebringgifts?Perhapsanicemango-scentedcandleandsomeholyoil?

Whenpressedfurther,Joebasedhissuspiciononhearingvoicesaftereveryoneelsehadleft.Nevermindthefactthateverywindowinthehousewasleftopenandwelivedinacornerhousewherepeoplewereconstantlywalkingby.Thelogicalconclusion,accordingtoJoe,wasthatwehadsomeghosts.Obviouslyplural,becausealthoughIdon’tknowmuchaboutghosts,Ibettheydon’ttravelalone.Theylikelytravelinpacks,thewaywomenvisittherestroomwhenthey’reouttogether.

Weneverdidhavethehouseexorcised,andshockingly,we’veneverhadanymoreghostissues.However,thereissomethinginourhousethat’sextremelyfrightening:thetilejobinourshower.It’spainfullyobviouswedidn’tneedapriestasmuchasweneededsomeonewithmoretileexperiencethananhour-longtutorialfromaHomeDepotvideo.

Afterwemovedbackintothehouse,Iattemptedtocleantheconstruction

dirtandgrimeoffthetileintheshower.Ifinallygaveup,realizingitwasimpossibletogetitcompletelycleanthankstoallthejaggedlinesandgroutimperfections.IgripedaboutitregularlytoPerry,questioninghowanyonewouldbeboldenoughordumbenoughtotakeonajobwithnoexperienceotherthanwatchingavideo.

Butthenithitme.Wasthatreallysodifferentfromwhatweweredoing?Weren’twetakingonthemostmonumentaljobintheworldindecidingtohaveachild?Andwhatdidweknow?Wewerejusttwodumbkids.Kidsinourearlythirties,butkidsnonetheless.Howelsedoyouexplainthatmostofourmealswerecookedinthemicrowaveandweconsidereddonutstobepartofabalancedbreakfast?IpridedmyselfonthefactI’dreadupwardoftwowholebooksontheparentingprocess,butinrealityIcouldonlywishforsomethingasextensiveasaHomeDepotvideoproductiononhowtobeaparent.

LikeAnneLamottsaysinTravelingMercies,“IalwaysimaginedwhenIwasakidthatadultshadsomekindofinnertoolboxfullofshinytools:thesawofdiscernment,thehammerofwisdom,thesandpaperofpatience.ButthenwhenIgrewupIfoundthatlifehandedyoutheserustybentoldtools—friendships,prayer,conscience,honesty—andsaid,Dothebestyoucanwiththese,theywillhavetodo.Andmostly,againstallodds,they’reenough.”

PerryandIweregoingtowalkthisroad,hopingfortheadviceoffriendsandparentsandwell-meaningoldladiesatthegrocerystoretogetusthrough,butmostofall,knowingwewerecompletelydependentonGodtogiveuswisdomabouthowtolayallthetilesofchildhoodasstraightaswecouldandtosmoothinthegroutwiththehopeofcoveringourownimperfectionsandmakingthemworkwiththeoveralldesignandpersonalityofourdaughter.

Ofcoursewecouldn’thaveknownthenthatwe’dalsohavetimes,muchlikeJoe,whenwe’dwonderifthecreationwewereworkingonmightbepossessed.Especiallyfromagestwothroughfour.ButI’mgettingaheadofmyself.

Chapter5

Shamu&theChickenSpaghetti

OnedayshortlyafterJoethetilenoviceleftus,IdecidedImightfeelbetterandeliminatesomestressifItookadayofffromobsessingaboutthehouseandsinging“IntheGhetto”torelaxandgetalittlecoloronmyverypregnantphysique.Yes,becausethatwouldmakeitlookbetter.WheneverIvisitSeaWorld,IalwayshearpeopleremarkthatShamuwouldlookalotsmallerifonlyhehadatan.

Soinaflashofbrilliance,Idecidedtoputonaswimsuitandsitinthebackyardtogetsomesun.Andtomaximizemyefforts,Icontortedmyseven-months-pregnantbodyintoanonmaternitybikini,eventhoughtherewasmaximumspillageeverywhere.Lookinggood.ButIfigurednoonewouldseeme,andreally,inthelongrun,wouldn’talittlebitofatanmakemypregnantbodylooksomuchbetter?

Theanswerwasliterallyabig,fatno,butGodblessmeformyoptimism.Theonlythingthatwasgoingtomakemelookbetteratthatpointwaschildbirth,accompaniedbyanensuingmaximum-weight-lossdietplan—oh,andtheevaporationofthefifteenpoundsofwaterIwasretaininginmyankles.

Iwasinthemiddleofgatheringmycruciallaying-out-in-the-sunsupplies,suchasInStylemagazine,abottleofwater,andatowel,whenthephonerang.AsIwastalkingonthephone,IwalkedintothebackyardwithoutrealizingIhadn’tbroughtanyofmythingsoutwithme.IturnedtogobackinsideandrealizedIhadshut,andthereforelocked,thebackdoorbehindme.

Iwasstandinginthebackyardofourrentalhome,sevenmonthspregnant,inabikiniswimsuitwithnotowel,noT-shirt,andnotarptocovermylarge,exposedself.Iimmediatelybeganweighingmyoptions.Itriedallthebackwindows.Theywereshuttight.Icontemplatedhoistingmypregnantbodyoverthechain-linkfenceinthehopethatthefrontdoormightbeunlocked.

Nowthereisamentalimage.Ahuge,pregnantwomaninatoo-smallbikiniclimbingachain-linkfence.It’senoughtomakeapersonwishtheydidn’thaveeyes.Nevermindthatitwouldhavetakenaforkliftormaybeevenacranetogetmeoverthatfence.

AfterIquitpanicking,IrealizedIhadaphonewithme,soIcalledPerryonhiscellphoneandexplainedwhathadhappened.Afterhequitlaughing

hiscellphoneandexplainedwhathadhappened.Afterhequitlaughinghysterically,hesaidthathe’dgethomeassoonashecould.Buthewasaboutforty-fiveminutesaway.

IspentthoseminutestalkingonthephonetoGulleywhileintermittentlydrinkingwateroutofthegardenhosetokeepmyselfhydratedandhangingoutofanincreasinglysmallswimsuit.ItwasascenestraightfromanepisodeofCops.

Perryfinallyarrivedafterwhatseemedlikehoursandsavedhiswaddlingdamselindistress.Air-conditioningandamaternitydressthatactuallycoveredmybodyhadneverfeltsogood.Iknowpeoplealwayssaypregnantwomenglow,butIthinkit’sonlybecausethepregnancyhormonesmakeyousohotthatyouhavenootherchoicebuttowalkaroundwithsweatglisteningonyourfacethemajorityofthetime.Plus,Iadamantlybelievethatpeople,especiallyhusbands,arejustalittlefrightenedbypregnantwomenandtheirabilitytocompletelyfreakoutatamoment’snotice,sotheytrytocomeupwithverbsthathaveapositiveconnotation.

Thatdaymarkedtheendofmyattemptstotrytobebeautifulandpregnantatthesametime.AlongwithalessonthatperhapsIshouldn’tbesovain.MaybenowthatIwasabouttobesomeone’smother,IshouldworrymoreaboutthingslikeresearchingthesafestcarseatsandputtingthoseplasticchildproofplugsinelectricalsocketsinsteadoflyingoutinthesunlikeIwasstillincollegeandskippingmybiologylab.AndcertainlytherewouldbeplentyoftimetolieoutinthesunandrelaxafterIhadthebaby.Right?

OurhousewasfinallyfinishedbythemiddleofJuly.Ofcourse,finishedisarelativeterm.Itwasinhabitable.Aslongasyoudon’tconsiderafunctioningkitchentobeanessentialpartofahome—andthereareplentyoftribesincountriesallovertheworldthatdon’t.Personally,IalwaysenjoyalegitimatereasontopickupMexicanfoodfordinner.Washingourdisheswiththehoseinthebackyardwasalittleawkward,butthatonlylasteduntilPerrybroughtinapieceofplywoodandatwenty-five-dollartemporarysinkheboughtatHomeDepot.

Iconstantlycomplainedaboutthelackofproperair-conditioningthatsummer.IwouldlieinbednexttoPerryatnightandlaunchintoasix-partlecture,completewithbulletpoints,abouthowIcouldn’tbelievewe’dspentall

lecture,completewithbulletpoints,abouthowIcouldn’tbelievewe’dspentallthismoneyonnewair-conditioningunitsthatdidn’tactuallycooloffourhouse.Ifeltcertainwe’dbeenapartofsomeelaborateair-conditioningconjobandwrotenumerouslettersinmyheadtotheBetterBusinessBureauaboutourshadyheatingandcoolingcompany.Perryneverreallyrespondedtomyrantsabouthowourbedroomfeltlikethesurfaceofthesun.Butthatmighthavebeenbecausehewastoowrappedupinthreedowncomforterstohearme.

Wespentthenextfewweeksunpackingallourthings,hangingpictures,andgettingsplintersfromourmakeshiftkitchencountertops.ButallthatreallymatteredtomewasthatIcouldsitinthepinkrockerinthenurseryatnighttimeandprayforournewbabygirl,whowasabouttomakeherbigdebut.Godhadgivenmeaverseforherafewmonthsearlier,andI’dsitinthesilenceofthatfreshlypaintednurseryandwhisperthewordslikeaprayer:

Iwillpourwateronthethirstyland,andstreamsonthedryground;

IwillpouroutmySpiritonyouroffspring,andmyblessingonyourdescendants.

Theywillspringuplikegrassinameadow,likepoplartreesbyflowingstreams.

Somewillsay,“IbelongtotheLORD”;otherswillcallthemselvesbythenameofJacob;

stillotherswillwriteontheirhand,“TheLORD’s.”I S A I A H 4 4 : 3 - 5

Ultimately,asmuchasIhopedandprayedforahealthy,perfectbaby,whatIdesiredmorethananythingelsewastoraiseachildwhowouldknowthejoyofputtingGodfirstinherlifeandthewisdomasaparenttoshowherwhatthatlookslike.Perryhadlosthisdadinanaccidentwhenhewasjustnineyearsold,thesameageIwaswhenmyparentsdivorced.Ihadadifficultrelationshipwithmymother,andPerrycouldn’tfillabucketwithwhatheknewaboutgirls.Bothofusfeltlikewewereventuringintounchartedterritoryhere,andweknewwecouldn’tdothisbyourselves.Infact,Ithinkweknewatsomelevelthen,andwearecontinuingtolearnmoreandmore,thatwe’redoingitinspiteofourselves.Wearetwoveryimperfectsoulswhohavebeenentrustedwithalittlepieceofheaven,andwedon’ttakethatlightly.

ThelastweekofJulyfinallyrolledaround,andwegotthecallfromthecountertoppeoplethattheywerereadytofinishourkitchen.PerryscheduledthemforFriday,August1,anddecideditwouldbeagreatopportunityforhimtotakealast-minutetripdowntothenationalseashoretofishandcampoutforthenight.Becausehewasapparentlytryingtokillme.

Whothinksit’sagoodideatoleaveyourwife,whoiscurrentlyninemonthspregnant,todrivetoaremotedestinationwithnocellservicetocatchsharks?Otherthansomeonewhohasadeathwish.Heagreedtowaittoleaveuntilaftermydoctor’sappointmentthatThursdaymorning.ProbablybecauseI’dspenttheprevioustwenty-fourhoursinforminghimthatmissingthebirthofyourfirstchildisthekindofthingawomannevergetsover.NEVER.LikeonmydeathbedIwouldholdhishandandwhisper,“Rememberhowyouweren’ttherewhenourbabywasborn?”

Butmydoctorcheckedmeoutandsaiditdidn’tlooklikeIwasgoingintolaboranytimesoon.Andwiththatproclamation,Perrypackeduphisfishingrodsandhiscommonsenseandheadedtowardthecoast.Meanwhile,Istayedhometosupervisethekitchencrewastheyinstalledeverything,andImadeplanswithmymother-in-lawforhertocomeoverearlySaturdaymorningtohelpmeunpackboxesandorganizethenewkitchen.

BecauseGodlovesPerry,hecamehomesafeandsoundfromhissharkexpeditionlateFridayafternoon.Wehadplanstoattendadinnerpartythatnightforourchurch,soIdidthenecessaryacrobaticstogetmyselfintothelastofmymaternitytopsthatstillfit(andapairofheels,whichhasnorelevancetothisstory,butIwasproudofmyselfforsufferingforthesakeoffashionandfeltthatyoushouldknow)andwaddledoutforourbignightonthetown.Orabignighteatingchickenspaghettiandtalkingaboutfutureplansforourchurch.Samedifference.Unlessyouareinyourteensandenvisioninghowglamorouslifewillbesomeday.

Wehadanicenightandevenhadsomefriendscomebacktoourhousetogettheofficialtouroftheremodel.Finally,aroundmidnight,PerryandIcrawledintobed,andIcommencedmynightlyritualofcomplainingaboutallthewayswe’dbeensuckeredintobuyingasubparair-conditioningunitwhilePerryputonhisstockingcapandwoolsocks.

Around3:00a.m.Iwokeuplikesomeonehadslappedme.Isatstraightupandimmediatelyknewsomethingwasn’tright.Butthenthefeelingwentaway,

andimmediatelyknewsomethingwasn’tright.Butthenthefeelingwentaway,andIlaydowntogobacktosleep.Twentyminuteslater,justasI’ddriftedoff,Iwokeupagain.AndIknew.Iknew.Clearly,I’deatensomebadchickenspaghetti.Therewasnootherexplanationforthewaymystomachwascramping.CertainlynotthefactthatIwasnineandahalfmonthspregnantandpossiblyinlabor.

Blessmyheart.Icontinuedtoliethereindenial,fumingabouttheunsanitarynatureof

poultryingeneralandcasserolesinparticular,asIexperiencedwaveafterwaveoffoodpoisoning.Exactlytwentyminutesapart.Andthenfifteenminutesapart.Andthentenminutesapart.

Around6:00a.m.Ifinallybegantocomeoutofmyhazeofdenial,shookPerrylightly,andsaid,“Hey.IthinkImightbeinlabor.”

Herubbedthesleepoutofhiseyes.“DoIhavetimetotakeashower?”heasked,scratchinghishead.

Really?Doyouhavetimetotakeashower?HowamIsupposedtoknowthat?Untilaboutthirtyminutesago,IthoughtIhadfoodpoisoning.Iamanidiot.

Itoldhimheprobablyhadtimetotakeashowerbecausethatwasobviouslythemostpressingmatterathand.Inthemeantime,Icalledmyparents,Gulley,andmysistertoletthemknowImayormaynotbe,butprobablywas,inlabor,butIcouldalsobeinthethroesofacaseofsalmonellathathitwithwavesofastonishingregularity.

ThenIcalledmymother-in-law,whowassupposedtoarriveinaboutanhourtohelpmewiththekitchen.Sheasked,“SoshouldInotcomeover?”

AndIrespondedwithanemphatic,“No,youneedtocomeoverrightnowandhelpmegetthiskitchenunpacked!”

Becauseinwhatcanonlybedescribedas“laborlogic,”IfeltlikeIcouldsurvivechildbirthbutIcouldn’thandlebringingmybabyhometoahousewithoutanorganizedsilverwaredrawerandTupperwarecabinet.

Thiswasnottheghetto.Thiswasourhome.Anditwasabouttohaveareal,livebabyinit.

Chapter6

IWantedMyEpiduralintheFirstTrimester

Ithinkit’simportantforyoutoknowthattherewasatimeinmylifewhenIseriouslyconsideredadoptinganypotentialchildrenImighthave.Notoutofanysenseofcompassionateobligation,butbecauseIthoughtthebestmethodofchildbirthmightbetocompletelyskipthewholebirthpartofthatequationandgostraighttothepreciouslittlebundlewrappeduplikeaburrito.

Therearewomenwhowanttoexperiencenaturalchildbirth,butthoseareprobablythesamewomenwhorunmarathons.Iamnotoneofthosewomen.Ibelieveinthemiraclesofmodernmedicine,andthatincludesepidurals.WhichiswhyoneofthefirstquestionsIaskedmydoctoruponfindingoutIwaspregnantwas“HowsooncanIgetthemeds?”Whenheencouragedmetowriteanofficialbirthplan,minewasasinglepieceofpaperwith“EPIDURAL!!!!!”scrawledinlargeletterswithaSharpiepen.

Honestly,Ilongedforthegoodolddaysmygrandmothertoldmeaboutwhenawomanwouldgointothehospitaltohaveababyandwakeuptwodayslaterwithmemoriesofvaguehallucinationsandachildinherarms.Butapparentlythatoptionisnolongeravailable,thankstothemarvelofmedicaladvances.

AndsinceIwassocertainIwantednopartofanykindofnaturalchildbirthpain,Ididn’tseetheneedforPerryandmetowasteanytimegoingtothosefreechildbirthclassesthehospitaloffers.WhywouldwedothatwhenitwasTrista’sseasononTheBacheloretteanditlookedlikeshemighthavearealshotatlastinglovewithRyan,thecutefireman?(And,bytheway,they’restilltogether,soIthinkit’sclearImadetherightchoice.)NottomentionIwasspendingallmyfreetimecatchinguponeveryepisodeofAlias,andclearlySydneyBristowandVaughnandthetakedownofSD-6werewaymoreimportantthanlearninghowtobreathethroughthechildbirthpainsIwassureIwouldn’texperience.

(TheremayhavebeenaweekwhenIseriouslytriedtoconvincePerrythatweshouldnameourchildSydneyBristow.)

(IalsosuggestedthenameOwen,forunknownreasons.ButquicklyscratcheditoffthelistwhenIrememberedwewerehavingagirl.PlusPerry

alwayssaid“Owen”liketheMommacharacterinThrowMommafromtheTrain.)

TheonlythingIdidtoprepareforchildbirth,otherthanfantasizeabouthavingarmsthatlookedlikeSydneyBristow’s,wastotaketheofficialtourofthehospital.ThisiswhenIlearnedacriticalpieceofinformation:thereisnoguaranteethatyougetaprivateroomafterdelivery.Thenursegivingthetourtoourlittlebandofsevenoreightexpectingcouplesendedourtourbywhisperinginaconfidentialtone,“ThebestadviceIcangiveyouifit’sreallyimportantforyoutohaveyourownroomistorememberthatthesqueakywheelgetsthegrease.”AndIvowedthenandtheretobethesqueakiestwheelMethodistHospitalhadeverseen.

Afteradayofon-and-offcontractionsandfuriousunpackingofboxes,around5:00p.m.onSaturday,August2,Ifinallycalledthedoctor’sansweringserviceandtoldthemIthoughtIwasinlabor.Theon-calldoctorreturnedmycall,andIinformedherthatmycontractionswereaboutsevenminutesapart.Sheagreeditwasprobablytimeformetoheadtothehospital.PerryandIgatheredourbagsandmyassortmentofpillowsandloadedthemintotheFordTaurusthatI’dinsistedmybrother-in-law,Chris,vacuumoutformeearlierinthedaybecauseIcan’tbringmybabyhomeinadirtycar.

(Iwasajoytobearound.)(Kindoflikearabidcat.Imayhaveevenhissed.)AsPerrydrovetothehospital,mycontractionsbegantogetstrongerand

harder.Imighthavesaidsomewordsyou’llneverhearinSundayschool,unlessyougotooneofthosechurchesthatistryingSUPERhardtoberelevanttotoday’sculture.Perrybegantoprayformeashewasdriving—thatGodwouldgivethedoctorsandnurseswisdom,thatitwouldbeaneasydelivery,thatIwouldnotbeafraid.Andthenhelookedatmeandsaid,“Thisisthelasttimewe’regoingtobealoneforalongtime.”

Itwashisattemptathumor,awaytolightenthemoment.ButIsuckedinmybreath,lookedathim,andburstintotears.Ithinkit’stimeslikethishewisheshe’dfollowedhisoriginallifeplantoliveonaremoteranchandspendhisdayshuntingandfishingallbyhimself.“What?WhatdidIsay?”hequestioned.

“Thisisit,”Ireplied.“Wewon’tbealoneagainforeighteenyears.Atleast.Andourlivesareabouttototallychange,andthereisnogoingback.”

Andourlivesareabouttototallychange,andthereisnogoingback.”Helookedatmewithastraightfaceandsaid,“Yes,it’scalledparenthood.

Wesignedupforitninemonthsago.”Iknewthat.ButinthatmomentIfeltoverwhelmedbywhatwasaboutto

happenandhowmuchourliveswereabouttobeturnedupsidedown.Iwasterrifiedoflabor,inmorepainthanI’dexpectedfromcontractions,anddesperatelywishingI’dgonetoatleastoneofthoseclassesthatwouldhavetaughtmetobreathelike“Hoo,hee,hoo”whilefocusingonaspotonthewall.

Wedrovearoundthehospitalparkinglotlookingforaparkingplaceandresistingtheurgetoyelloutthewindow,“Hey,blackSuburban,we’reabouttohaveababy.Ihopeyouneedthatparkingspotmorethanwedo.”

Afterwefinallyparkedandunloadedourstuff,webegantomakeourwaytothehospitalentrance,butIhadtostopinthemiddleofthesidewalkbecauseIwasovercomebyacontraction.AllthoseepisodesofAliaswerenothelpfulinthatmoment.

PerryleftourbagsandhurriedtogetmeintothehospitalwhileIcalledouttoanyonewhoappearedtobeofficialhospitalpersonnel,“Iwouldlikeaprivateroom,please!CanIgetaprivateroom?”Thelittlecandystriperintheelevatorremovedherarmfrommydeathgripandwhispered,“I’llseewhatIcando,ma’am,butI’mjustavolunteer.”

EventuallyImadeittoaroomandwasgivenahospitalgowntochangeintowithinstructionstogetinthebedandwaitforthenursetocomecheckme.IlaythereasPerryheldmyhand,justknowingthatthenursewouldprobablydetermineIwasatleastsixcentimetersdilated.Howelsecouldtheyexplainthepainandfrequencyofthesecontractions?

SeveralminuteslaterNurseLouiseenteredtheroom.AndIimmediatelyknew,thewayyouknowwhenthemilkhasgonebad,thatshedidn’tsubscribetothewarmandfuzzymethodoflaboranddelivery.Shewalkedin,surveyedtheroom,andwrinkledhernoselikeshehadjustsmelledweaknessanditmadeherstomachturn.Itriedtomakepolitesmalltalkasshecheckedmeforsignsoflabor,andIonlyhalf-jokinglyasked,“So,whenwilltheanesthesiologistbehere?”

NurseLouiselookedatmesuspiciouslyandreplied,“You’reonlyonecentimeterdilated.Idon’tknowifyou’rereallyeveninlabor,andyoucertainlydon’tneedtheanesthesiologist.”LikeIwassomekindofdrug-seekingpatientwhohadcometothehospitallookingtogetanepiduralforrecreationaluse.

Onecentimeterdilated.Well,thatwascertainlydisappointing.Allthatpain?Allthosecontractions?Foronelousycentimeter?

Mysister,mymother-in-law,andGulleyhadallfollowedustothehospital,

andonceNurseLouisedeclaredthatabirthwasn’timminentanditwaspossibleIwasfakingtheentirething,theysentmybrother-in-lawtopickupMcDonald’sfordinner.Theyallbegantohavesocialhourwhileeatingtheircheeseburgers,andtheyplacedbetsonwhattimethebabywouldarrive.Itwasallfunandgamesuntilamajorcontractionhitme,andImayormaynothavesaidinaforcedtone,“I’mgoingtoneedyoualltobequietandtakeyourfrenchfriesoutside.”I’veneverseenpeoplejumpsoquicklytomeetmyfrenchfrydemands.

Ispentthenextseveralhoursinincreasingpain,hookeduptoamonitorthatclearlyindicatedIwashavinghealthycontractions,yetNurseLouisecontinuedtoinsistIdidn’tneedtheepiduralyet.Perrybelieveddifferently,especiallyafterIwrenchedhisthumboutofitssocketduringoneparticularlyintensemoment.

Thenthedoctoroncallcamein—averynicewoman,I’msure,butshewasn’tawareofmymasterepiduralplan.Shewasconcernedthatmylaborwasn’tprogressing.(Really?Becauseitfeltlikeprogression.Itfeltlikeanalienwasabouttoburstoutofmystomachholdingmyintestines.)ShealsodecidedIwasmeasuringsmallforafull-termpregnancy,soshesentmeofftohaveanultrasound.

Astheywheeledmedownthehall,IclutchedPerry’shandlikeitwasmypersonallifeline,buttheystoppedatthedoortotheultrasoundroomandsaidhecouldn’tgoinwithme.Iwastakenintoasmall,darkplacewithnooneIlovedaroundme,filledwithworryandfearthatsomethingmightbewrongwithourbabygirl.Ilayonthehospitalbedasthetechnicianrubbedcoldgelonmystomach,andthetearsbegantofall.Itwasalltoomuch.Thiswaswaytoohard.Idon’tknowthatI’veeverfeltsoalone.

ThenIheardavoicewhisperinthedarkness:“You’renotalone.I’mhere.”AndIbegantoquotewhatIrememberedofPsalm121tomyself:

Iliftupmyeyestothemountains—wheredoesmyhelpcomefrom?

MyhelpcomesfromtheLORD,theMakerofheavenandearth.

Hewillnotletyourfootslip—hewhowatchesoveryouwillnotslumber;

indeed,hewhowatchesoverIsraelwillneitherslumbernorsleep.

TheLORDwatchesoveryou—theLORDisyourshadeatyourrighthand;

thesunwillnotharmyoubyday,northemoonbynight.

TheLORDwillkeepyoufromallharm—hewillwatchoveryourlife;

theLORDwillwatchoveryourcomingandgoingbothnowandforevermore.

Peacebegantowashoverme,andIknewitwastrue:Iwasn’talone.Ididn’tknowifeverythingwasgoingtobeokay,butIknewwithallcertaintythatJesuswasrighttherewithmeinthatscaryhospitalroomastheultrasoundtechnicianmovedthewandbackandforthacrossmystomach.

Ithinktherearetimesinlifewhenhetakesawayallthoseearthlythingswelooktoforcomfortandsecuritysowecanfeelhimbetterandlovehimmore.Thiswasoneofthosemomentsforme.Inmycomingandgoing,hewaswithme.

Chapter7

StraightfromHeaven

ThedoctormetPerryandmebackinthelaboranddeliveryroomandannouncedthateverythingwasokayandourbabygirlappearedtobeinthehealthyseven-toeight-poundrange.Thenshelefttheroom,andIdidn’tseeherorNurseLouiseforafewhourswhileIcontinuedtowonderwhattheyhadagainstepiduralsandiftheysecretlyhatedmebecauseI’dbeensobelligerentaboutthewholeprivateroomthing.Maybethesqueakywheelgetstheprivateroombutnottheepidural?ChalkthatuptothingsIwishI’dknownearlier.

Aswefoundoutmuchlater,therewasanemergencyC-sectioninthenextroomwithmajorcomplications.ThehospitalwasshortstaffedbecauseitwasaSaturdaynight,andmy“routine”laborgotlostintheshuffle.WhenNurseLouisefinallyshoweduptocheckmyprogressaroundmidnight,shegotastunnedlookonherfaceandimmediatelypagedthedoctor,whocameinandannouncedIwasfullydilated.Theybothactedshockedandsurprised.

Youknowwhowasn’tsurprised?Me.I’dbeeninsomuchpaininthelastfewhoursthatIcouldn’tbelievewomeneverhadsexagainafteroneroundofchildbirth.IlookedatPerryandhopedhe’dbesatisfiedlivingthelifeofamonkbecausetherewasnowayIwasgoingtodoanythingtoriskthiskindoffoolishnessagain.

Nothinginlifehadpreparedmeforthiskindofpain.Irealizethisisextremelycomfortingforthoseofyouwhomightbereadingthiswhilepregnantwithyourfirstchild.Butbearwithme.Itwillbeokay.Justmakesureyouyellforyourepiduralbeforeyouholleraboutgettingaprivateroom.

WhenthedoctortoldmeIwasreadytogo,Iwailed,“Whataboutmyepidural?Iwantedtheepidural.Please.Get.Me.The.Epidural.”Imayhavegrowledthatlastpart.Sheimmediatelypagedtheanesthesiologist,andIwassorelievedIhadn’tmissedthe“epiduralwindow”I’dheardsomuchaboutthatIbegantosob.

Afewminuteslatermyknightinshiningarmorcamesweepingthroughthedoorwithatrayofbliss.Ashescrubbedmybackandhelpedmesituponthetable,Iwhispered,“I’veneverlovedanyonemore.”AndatthatmomentIabsolutelymeantit.ForgetPerry.Hewastheonewho’dgottenmeintothismessinthefirstplace.

messinthefirstplace.Themedicinebegantotakeeffect,andIcamebacktomyrealself,as

evidencedbythefactIcalledforsomeonetobringmemylipglossTOOTSUITEandtoldeveryonetogatheraroundmeforagrouppicture.Bythistimeseveralmoreofourfriendshadarrived,andtheywereallalittlecautiousastheyapproachedme,mainlybecauseI’dbeenonesplitpeasoupincidentawayfromTheExorcistonlyfiveminutesearlier.

Afterafewphotos,thedoctorannounceditwastimetopush.Atthatmomentsomelatentcompetitiveurgeroseupinme,andIdeterminedthatIwasgoingtobethemostefficientpusherMethodistHospitalhadeverseen.Maybethey’devenputupaplaqueinmyhonor:HardestPusher.NurseLouiseofferedtobringamirroraroundtheendofthebedsoIcouldseewhatwasgoingon,butIdeclined.Therearesomethingsyoucan’tunsee,andIfeltlikeababycomingoutofmybusinessendfellwhollyinthatcategory.Let’snotgothere.

Afterseveralpushes,betweenwhichIannouncedloudlyhowI’dreallyworkedtokeepmycoremusclesstrongduringpregnancy,PerrysawsomethingsIdesperatelywishneitherofushadtoknowabout.ButthenIdecideditprobablyhelpedthecaseIwasgoingtomakeforwhyweshouldneverexperiencemaritalintimacyagain.

FinallyIheardthedoctorsay,“Iseeherhead,”followedshortlyby,“She’shere!”Andinthatbriefmoment,lifechanged.Therewasaseismicshiftwherethingswentfrombeingaboutmetobeingcompletelyfocusedonthetiny,littlecreaturewhohadjustenteredtheroomat2:14a.m.onAugust3.Iheldmybreathasthenursescarriedhertoalittleincubatortocheckheroutandtakehervitals,andIfinallybreathedoutagainwhenthedoctorannounced,“She’sahealthylittlepeanut.”

Andshewasalittlepeanut.Onlyfivepounds,eightounces,buthealthyandpink.TheywrappedherupandhandedhertoPerry.Hebroughthertome,andIstaredinwonderatthislittlepinkgift,thistinypersonfreshfromheaven.ItwasasifIcouldstillsmelltheangelsonher,likeIwaslookingstraightintothefaceofGod.AGodwhohadjustblesseduswithsomuchmorethanweevercouldhaveimagined.

Howamazingthathebringslifethisway.Throughpainandhurtandtheuglythingsinsideuswetrytokeephiddenaway.Thethingswedon’ttalkabout.Inthatmoment,asIlookedatmylittlegirllyinginmyarms,IrealizedthiswholeprocesswassuchastrikingpictureofhowChristworksinus.Hetakesourdisappointments,rejections,andhardtimes,andhemakessomethingbeautiful.Hecreateslifeandshowsuswhatbeautylookslikeinplaceswherewelookandseenothing.

Heblessesusbeyondourimaginations,inspiteofallthebrokenroadswe’ve

Heblessesusbeyondourimaginations,inspiteofallthebrokenroadswe’vewalked.Infact,maybeheblessesussolavishlybecauseofallthebrokenroadswe’vetraveled.Asiftoremindusthatheseesus—reallyseesus—notjustforwhoweareatanygivenmoment,butforwhatwecouldbeoneday.

That’showIfeltwhenIlookedatCarolineTatumShankleforthefirsttime.Overwhelmed,humbled,grateful.Itdidn’tmatterthatshedidn’thaveanyeyelashesyet,whichcausedhertolookalittlelikeafrog-baby,orthatPerry,asheadmittedlater,waslookingatherthinking,Well,atleastwe’llloveyouandthinkyou’recute.Ilookedatherandsawperfection.Andlove.Andmercy.Andgrace.IhadneverseenthehandofGodmoreclearlyinallmylife.

Ourfriendscamebackintheroom,andwepassedCarolinearoundtoeachoneofthemandtookamillionpictures.IcalledmyparentsonthephonebecausetheywerestilltryingtomaketheirwaytoSanAntoniofromHouston,thankstoNurseLouise’sproclamationthatIwasn’treallyinlabor,andtoldthemCarolinehadarrivedandcouldn’twaittomeetthem.

AndthenCarolinewasbackinmyarms,staringatmewiththosewide,brownish-blueeyeswithnoeyelashesandalookthatseemedtosay,Soyou’remymom?Ihopeyou’reupforthis,sucker.Shenevermadeasoundbutstaredwithoutblinkingateverythinggoingonaroundherasiftakinganinventoryoftheworldandtryingtofigureoutifitmetherstandards.Likeshemightwanthermoneybackorsomething.

AfterawhilethenursesannounceditwastimetotakeCarolinetothenurserytogetcleanedup.Theytookheraway,finisheddoingsomestufftomethatIreallydidn’taskabout,andtoldmetheyweregoingtotakemetomyprivateroom.Praiseyou,Jesus,fortheprivateroom.Atleastthatpartofmybirthplanwasintact.

Astheywheeledmedownthehall,wepassedthenursery,wheremyparentshadarrivedandwerelookingthroughthewindowasthenursestookcareofCaroline.Iheardmydadsayangrily,“Itseemsliketheydon’tneedtobethatroughwithher.Ihopetheyknowwhatthey’redoing.”IcalledouttothemasIrolledby,andtheyallwavedatmebrieflybeforeturningbacktogivetheirtotalandcompleteattentiontothebaby.AllofasuddenIwasjustthevehiclethathadprovidedthemwithagrandchild.Nice.

OnceIarrivedinmysweetnine-by-sixprivateroomthatwepaidextrafor,anangeldisguisedasanursecameintocheckonmeandsaidIshouldgetsomesleepbeforetheybroughtthebabybackin.Everyonecameintotheroomtotellmegood-byeandsaidthey’dbebackfirstthinginthemorning.ThenPerryandItriedtocloseoureyesandsleep.

Wewerebothexhaustedyetsohypeduponnew-parentadrenalinethatitwashardtowinddown.Ijustwantedtoseemybabygirlagainandmakesureshewasreal.Thiswholethingwasstartingtoseemlikeadream.Ofcourse,ithelpedthatIwasstilltotallynumbfromtheepidural,asevidencedbythefactthatIkepttryingtomoveapillowonthebedthatturnedouttobemyownleg.

Around6:30a.m.theybroughtCarolineintome.Theysaidshewasstrugglingtostaywarmsinceshehadsolittlebodyfat.(Aproblemshedidn’tinheritfromhermother.)SoIdressedherinoneofthesixgownsI’dbroughttothehospital,marvelingathertinytoesandchickenlegsandprayingIwouldn’tbreakher.Thenurseshowedmehowtowrapheruplikealittleburrito,andthenIheldherwhileIformallyintroducedmyself.“Hi.I’myourmama,”Isaid.“Welcometotheworld,littlemonkeybean.”

Myparentsandmysister,whohadbeendyingtogettheirhandsonthebaby,werefinallyabletoholdCarolineforthefirsttime.Iknewthey’dalwaysbeenproudofme,butIfeltlikeI’djustgiventhemthekeystoamagicalkingdomfilledwithrainbowsandunicorns.Orinmydad’scase,akingdomwherenoonehastopayincometaxandtherearenobaddriverswhoneglecttoturnrightatredlights.Theylookedatherwithsomuchlove.Itfeltlikelifehadjustcomefullcirclerightthereinthattinyhospitalroom.

AllofasuddenIrealizedIwasstarving.PerryrandowntothehospitalfoodcourtandbroughtmeanewMcDonald’sinventioncalledtheMcGriddle.Itwasessentiallyeggsandsausagebetweentwopancakesthathadbeeninfusedwithartificialmaplesyrupflavoring,anditwasthemostdeliciousthingI’devertastedinmylife.IfeltlikeIcouldconquertheworldaslongasIhadMcGriddlesandmyfamilybymyside.Andalsomysweetrecoverynurse,whohadintroducedmetothewondersoficepacksthatfitneatlyinsidemeshgrandmaunderwearthatthehospitalsuppliedinabundanceforonlyninety-eightdollarsapair,accordingtoourfinalbill.IbelieveIwasonwhatsomemaycallalabor-and-deliveryhigh.

ThenexttwodayswereabluroffriendsandfamilycomingbythehospitaltovisitandPerrywatchingaNASCARracewhileheheldhisnewdaughterbecause“trainupachildinherredneckways,andwhensheisoldshewillnotdepartfromthem.”WepassedCarolinearoundandIturnedherintomyownpersonalbabydoll,changingherclotheseverychanceIgot,becauseagirlneedstoappreciateagoodwardrobeasmuchassheneedstoappreciateDale

toappreciateagoodwardrobeasmuchassheneedstoappreciateDaleEarnhardtJr.winningTalladega.

Onourlastnightinthehospitalthingswerequiet.Allthevisitorshadleft,andItoldPerryheshouldgohomeandgetsomesleepinarealbed.ThenursebroughtCarolinetomeforonelastlate-nightfeeding.Itookineverysingleinchofherwhileshenursed,stillinabitofdisbeliefthatshewasreallymineandthattheywerereallygoingtoletmewalkoutofthehospitalwithherthenextday.

Aftershewaspassedoutinamilkstupor,IunwrappedhersoIcouldtakeinthoselittlefingersandtoes.ItookoffherhatsoIcouldseeherthickblackhair.AndIwept.Iweptbecauseshewassobeautiful.IweptbecauseshefeltlikeredemptionforsomanymistakesI’dmade.IweptbecausehowdoyouthankGodforsuchanindescribablegift?

Lord,letmebeworthyofthis.Lord,don’tletmescrewthisup.Perryarrivedatthehospitalbrightandearlythenextmorning.Wedidour

bestversionofwaitingpatientlyforallthenecessarydischargeformstogetfilledoutandlistenedtoalonglectureaboutcarseatsafety.Clearlytheydidn’tknowtheyweretalkingtothechiefoftheSafetyPolice.PerryhadalreadyputthoseplasticchildproofplugsineveryoutletofourhouseeventhoughIassuredhimitwouldbemonthsbeforeourlittlegirlwoulddomuchmorethanlookcute.

Eventuallytheybroughtourbabytous,andthepediatricnursehuggedusgood-byeasshesaid,“Y’allaresolucky.Sheisoneofthemostlaid-backbabiesIhaveeverseen.”InoddedmyheadinagreementasIchalkedupthattraittomyalreadystellarparenting.ObviouslyCaroline’slaid-backnaturewasatributetotheforty-eighthoursI’dspentperformingmymotheringskillswithexcellence.Thiswasgoingtobesoeasy.

Sowithalltheconfidenceoftwofoolswhodon’tknowanybetter,PerryandIloadedCarolineintothecar.And,yes,Irodeinthebackseatwithher,becausewhatifsomethinghappenedontheten-minutecarridehome?Twodaysin,andIwasalreadyoneofthosehelicopterparentsyoureadabout.

AsPerrychauffeuredushome,Irealizedthatlifehadalreadychangedsomuch.Wewereafamilyofthreenow.Three.Whichissignificantlymorethantwo.

Especiallywhenoneofyoudoesn’tknowhowtomicrowaveherowndinner.

Chapter8

ThatTimeIDidn’tSleepforFourYears

WhenIwaslittleIwasn’tthebestsleeper.Ican’trememberallthereasonswhy,butI’dliketogobackandtellthatlittlegirltogotobedandenjoyitwhileitlasts.IsupposeIwasafraidofthedark,Ineededadrinkofwater,Ihadtogotothebathroom.Iwouldpushthelimitsofbedtimeuntilmyparentswereforcedtostartfollowingthroughontheirthreats.Whichwasusuallymyindicatorthatitwastimetoshutitdownforthenight.

ButthenIturnedintoateenagerandlearnedtoappreciatethevalueofagoodnight’ssleep.ItbecameanartformasIlookedfornewandimprovedwaystomakemybedevenmorecomfortable,asevidencedbythefactIsleptontopofmybedinsideafleece-linedGarfieldsleepingbagformostofmyhighschoolyears.

ThenincollegeIdiscoveredthebeautyofschedulingallmyclassesforlateintheday,therebycreatingatwofoldbrandofawesome:sleepinglateandhavingplentyoftimetowatchDaysofOurLivesbeforeIhadtobebotheredwiththefoolishnessofgeologylab.BecausehowwasIsupposedtogetexcitedoverabunchofrockformationsifIdidn’tknowwhetherBoandHopeescapedfromtheremoteislandwheretheywerebeingheldhostagebyStefanoDiMera?

(Onatotallysimilarsubject,GulleydoesthebestimpersonationeverofTonyDiMera.Shecanstillcrackmeuptothisdaybywalkingintoaroomandsaying,“Hello,Father,”inadistinctlybadBritishaccent.)

(ThisisthekindofthingweworkedonduringcollegealongwithplanningtheperfectoutfitinsteadofactuallystudyingandprobablyexplainswhyIgraduatedonacademicprobation.)

MyloveforsleeptookahitafterImarriedPerry.Heisabelieverinthetheorythatsleepisjustsomethingyoudotohaveenoughenergyforthenextday.Thatbelief,combinedwithhisinsistenceonkeepingthesamehoursasGrandpaWalton,putaseriousdamperonmysleepschedule.I’dstayuplate,permynight-owltendencies,andthenhe’dwakemeupatthecrackofdawn,wantingtoengageinrealconversationswithactualwordsandeatamealthatpeopleapparentlycallbreakfast.IplayedalongforaboutthefirstsixmonthsbecauseIdidn’twanttoappearlazy.ButthenthenewnessworeoffandIcouldn’tfakeitanymore.WehadtohaveanhonestdiscussionabouthowI

couldn’tfakeitanymore.WehadtohaveanhonestdiscussionabouthowIreallynevercaredtoseethesunriseortalkbefore9:00a.m.Andthosethingsyoucalleggs?No,thankyou.

Thelowpointcameonedayaboutfouryearsintoourmarriagewhenwewerehavingtheexteriorofthehousepainted.Itwas—don’tjudgeme—probablyaboutteno’clockinthemorning,andthepainterneededanoutlettopluginasanderorsomething.I’mnottotallysurebecauseIdon’tpainthousesforaliving.Anyway,henoticedourbedroomwindowwascrackedopen,sohetookthelibertyofopeningitalittlebitwidertoaccessanelectricaloutlet.However,hecouldn’treachitbecausethebedwastooclosetothewall.SohebegantomoveourbedwhileIwasinittogetitoutoftheway.AndIwassoembarrassedaboutstillbeinginbedatteno’clockonaWednesdaymorningthatIjustburiedmyselfunderthecoversandhopedhewouldn’tnoticemelyingthereinmyslothfulstate.

Thisincidentdidn’tcausemetochangemyways.Itjustmademedouble-checkthatourwindowswereshutbeforewewenttobedatnight.AndIfeelIshouldclarifythatIwasgainfullyemployedduringthistime,butIhadthegreatfortuneofworkinginpharmaceuticalsales,soIjustifiedmyhourswiththerationalizationthatIwasdoingthedoctorsafavorbynotshowingupattheirofficesbeforeeleveno’clock.Thisgavethemtimetoseetheirpatients,anditgavemetimetoletthetwodeepsleepcreasesonmyforeheadgoaway.

(Ifanyofmyformermanagersarereadingthis,Iapologizeprofusely.Iwasyoungandstupid,andyouprobablyshouldn’thavehiredmeinthefirstplace.ButItrickedyoubyappearingtobeexcitedandmotivatedbysuccess.)

(Iwassmartenoughnottomentionininterviewsthatahugeperkofthejobformewasnothavingtobeanycertainplaceatanycertaintime.That’snotthekindofthingthatgetsyourfootinthedoor.)

Anyway,thepointisIlovesleep.Ilovesleeplikesomepeoplelovehamsandwiches.Icantasteit.IfIwakeupafteraparticularlygoodnight’ssleep,I’llspendthatentiredaylookingforwardtothemomentIcangetbackinbedanddoitalloveragain.ThereweresomanytimesduringmypregnancywhenIwouldremark,“It’sjustsohardtogetcomfortableatnight.I’llbegladwhenshe’sbornsoIcangetsomesleep.”Andallthemothersintheroomwouldlookatmewithblankexpressionsandnodtheirheads,butIknownowtheyweresilentlythinking,Getready,sister,becausethatbabyiscoming,andsleepisabouttoberelegatedtothecategoryof“thingsthatareinyourpast.”

ItwasaTuesdaymorningwhenwewalkedintoourhousewithCarolineforthefirsttime.Appropriatelyenough,GuytheelectricianandPaultheplumberwerestillthere,finishingupafewlastconstructiondetails,likeinstallingourrealkitchensink.SoIrecruitedGuytocomeintothefrontyardandtakeapictureofPerry,Caroline,andmeinfrontofthegiantstorkholdingpinkballoonsandannouncingCaroline’sarrival.

(IfeellikeIshouldclarifyitwasn’tarealstork.Althoughthatwouldhavebeenawesome.)

(ButIthinkyouhavetogotothezooorViennatofindarealstork.TheonlythingI’veeverhadfromViennaistheirlittlesausages.)

Forthefirstfewhoursofourarrivalhome,thehousewasabuzzwithplumbersplumbingandelectricianselectricingandtenlordsa-leaping.Friendsbroughtoverfoodandflowers,neighborsstoppedbytoseethenewbaby,andmymother-in-lawcontinuedtoorganizethekitchenthatwe’dleftindisarraythreedaysearlier.Meanwhile,Carolinewascontenttobepassedaroundfrompersontopersoninbetweensunbathinginherbassinettohelpwithhermildcaseofjaundice.

Theneveningcame,andeveryonewenthome.Thehousefelteerilyquiet.PerryandIdecidedtoeattheroastGulleyandhermomhadbroughtbyearlier,soweheateduptwoplates,rolledCarolineinherbassinetrightuptothetable,andsatdowntoeat.Perryblessedourfoodandgaveaprayerofthanksforourlittlefamilyofthree.Andthen,justaswebegantoeat,“YouAreSoGoodtoMe”begantoplayonthestereo.

Webothsatquietly,listeningtothemusicandeatingourroastuntilthesonggottothechorus:

Youarebeautifulmysweet,sweetsongYouarebeautifulmysweet,sweetsongYouarebeautifulmysweet,sweetsongIwillsingagain

Wetookaquickglanceateachotherandbegantocry.Bothofus.Notjustme.Rightthereinourdiningroom,wewereoverwhelmedbyloveandgrace.Overwhelmedbythissweet,sweetsongwholaysleepingquietlynexttous,allwrappedinpinkandsuckingonapacifierthatwasbiggerthanherface.Itwas

wrappedinpinkandsuckingonapacifierthatwasbiggerthanherface.ItwasasifGodhadjustwalkedovertothetableandsatdown.Itwasaholymoment.Aholymomentwithamixtureofalotofaweandmorethanalittlefearaboutwhatweweresupposedtodonext.

SincePerrylovesfewthingsmorethanagoodstrategy,hecameupwithaplanofattackforthenightshift.“GrandpaWalton”wouldgotobedearlywhileI’dkeepmyusualnight-owlhoursandgiveCarolineherlastlate-nightfeedingaround1:00a.m.Theproblemwithhavingababywhoweighedonlyfiveandahalfpoundswasthatthepediatricianinsistedsheneededtobefedeverythreehourswithoutfailforthefirstsixweeksofherlife.Whichtranslatestohavingtowakeasleepingbaby.Inthemiddleofthenight.

Wordtothewise:haveabigbaby.It’stotallythewaytogo.IknewIshouldhaveeatenmoredonuts.

Afterher1:00a.m.feeding,I’dgotosleepandsetthealarmfor4:00a.m.,atwhichtimePerrywouldcomeintogiveherabottlewhileIusedthedreadedbreastpumpandwentbacktosleepuntil7:00a.m.Therereallyisnothingthatwillputthesparkbackinyourmarriagelikehavingyourhusbandseethesleep-deprived,hormonalversionofyoubentoveramechanicalbreastpumpmachineatfourinthemorning.Possiblywhilecrying.

Intheorythissystemworkedfairlywell,butwe’dforgottenthewholeunpredictablenewborn-babycomponent.Weassumedshe’djusteatandgobacktosleep.Instead,shefeltnighttimewasthetimetopartyandgetoutallthegasshe’dheldinalldaylong.Somyprecious1:00a.m.to4:00a.m.sleepwindowtranslatedtoaforty-five-minutecatnapafterfactoringinthetimeIspentchangingherdiaperandpumpingherlittlelegslikeshewasridingabiketogetridofhergasandthenchangingherdiaperagainandthenswaddlingherandrockingherbacktosleep.Nottomentionallthetimesshe’dfallasleepwhileeating,whichmayhavecausedmetoactuallyutter,“IfIcan’tsleep,thenneithercanyou,sister.”Honestly,justtalkingaboutthewholethingrightnowiscausingmetohavepost-traumaticstresssymptoms.Isithotinhere?

Onenight,ataboutthetwo-weekmark,IwasrockingCarolineattwothirtyinthemorningandIjustbegantocrybecauseIwassohomesickforthehospital.Itwassolovelythere,whatwithallthenursesandstaffwhowouldtakemybabyforafewhourssoIcouldgetactualREMsleep.Iwantedtogobacktothatworldofpamperingandmeshunderwearandpainmedicationdoled

backtothatworldofpamperingandmeshunderwearandpainmedicationdoledoutonaregularbasis.

Andmaybeitwasacombinationofthesleepdeprivationandthehormones,butIwassosensitivetoeverylittlething.Gulleytoldmeshesurvivedlate-nightfeedingswithJacksonbywatchingmoviesontheDVDplayer,butIquicklydiscoveredIcouldn’thandlethestimulation.TheonlythingIcouldbeartowatchwasLittleWomen(theWinonaRyderversion—Ithinkit’sthebest)andVH1’sILovetheSeventies.TherewasatimeIwascertainCaroline’sfirstwordswouldbe“What’sgoin’down,Mr.Kotter?”

PartofournighttimestrategywasthatwhoeverwasonbabydutywouldsleepintheguestbedroomwithCarolineinherbassinetrightbesidethebed.Thiswouldallowtheoff-dutyparenttogetmaximumsleepbenefitsinthecomfortable,darkmasterbedroom.ThereweremanynightsIsatinthatguestbedholdingCarolineandconcoctingaplantorunawaytothenearestWestinforjustafewdays.WhytheWestin?BecauseIknewtheyhadthoseheavenlybeds.That’sallIwantedinlife.Aheavenlybedinaquiet,baby-freehotelroom.SurelyPerrywouldunderstandifIjustpackedmybagsandleftforafewdays?

ButthenCarolinewouldopenherlittlemouthwideinayawnordothatnewbornstretchthingwhereherentirebackarchedbackwardandherarmsliftedaboveherhead,andIwasbroughtbacktotheworldwhereIwassomeone’smother.Yes,Iwantedsleep,butI’dalreadystartedtodreadthedayshe’dstartkindergarten,becauseIknewitwouldbeherebeforeIknewit.AndIcouldn’teventalkaboutwhatIwasgoingtodowhenmymaternityleavewasoverandIhadtogobacktowork.SoI’drockCarolinetosleepwhileIprayedthatkindergartenwouldn’tarrivetooquicklyandthatshe’dhavefriendsandthatI’dgetsomesleepandthatwe’dwinthelotterysoIwouldn’thavetogobacktoschleppingarounddrugsamplestodoctor’soffices.

Icouldn’timaginemissingonemomentofthislittlegirl’slife.

Chapter9

WarBuddies

Thankstomyalmostsleeplessnights,Iwalkedaroundlikeazombieformostofthedays.Theonlythingthatsavedmewasmysister,Amy,andherloveforhernewniece.Amydidn’thavekidsofherownyet,soitwasacompletenoveltytohertocomeoverandrockCarolineforafewhourswhileIshoweredandputonthecleanestpairofpajamasIcouldfindfromthebottomofthelaundryhamper.Makeupandjewelrybecameadistantmemory.Iwasdressingforsurvivalandselectinggarmentsthatcouldtakemefromawaketonapinsixtyseconds.

IbegantodreadtheeveningsbecauseIwassotiredandallIwantedtodowascrawlinbedandsleepfor,oh,Idon’tknow,maybemorethantwohoursinarow.ButIknewitwasn’tgoingtohappen,andI’dstarttofallintoadeepdepressionrightafterdinnertimeasIthoughtaboutallthesleepIwasn’tgoingtogetthatnight.Itdidn’thelpthatCarolinehadsuddenlycomealiveonusandwasreadytofightforherrighttoparty.

Iwouldhangovertheedgeofherbassinet,pattingherbackandmakingdealswithGodaboutallthehumanitariandeedsIwoulddoifonlyhewouldmakehergotosleep.“Youcandoit,Lord.Iknowyoucandoit.Youcanmovemountains.”Idevelopedtheabilitytosleepwhileholdingmyhandovertheedgeofherbassinettokeepherpacifierinplacebecauseifthepacifierwentdown,thatshipwassunk.Theseweredesperatetimes.

ThentherewasthenightIemergedfromCaroline’snurserytofindPerrywatchingTearsoftheSun,themostviolent,horrificmovieevermade.Itpushedmeovertheedge.Ican’timaginewhyIdidn’tfindamovieabouttheslaughterofNigerianrefugeesupliftinginmytimeofsleepneed,butitlaunchedmeintoatiradeoftears.“Ican’tdothis,”Iwailed.“Iamjustsotired.AndIwanttorunawaytotheWestinontheRiverwalk.”

IthinkPerrywasalittlestunnedthatI’ddevelopedafairlyspecificescapeplan,andheagreedtotaketheentirenightshiftsoIcouldgetsomerealsleep.OratleastsoIcouldsleepuntilIhadtowakeupandusethedreadedbreastpumpsonothingexploded.Andasitturnedout,thatwasexactlywhatIneeded—justafewcontinuoushoursofsleepthatdidn’tinvolvekeepingsomeone’spacifierinhermouthorlisteningtoherletloosewithanexplosioninherdiaperwhileIdebatedonascaleofonetotenhowbadamotherhadtobetolether

whileIdebatedonascaleofonetotenhowbadamotherhadtobetoletherbabycontinuetosleepinherownpoop.

ThenextdayItalkedtomyfriendJamieonthephone.Jamiehastwoboyswhoareexactly364daysapart.(It’ssafetosaythatwasn’tplanned.)Shelistenedtomecryovermylossofsleepandthedeathofalifestylethatnowseemedsoeasyandcarefree.Andshespokesomewordsofwisdomthattotallychangedeverythingforme.“Iknowyoucan’tbelieveitrightnow,”shesaid,“butadaywillcomewhenyouwillputherinbedateighto’clockatnightandyouwon’thearapeepoutofherforalmosttwelvehours.”

Thatsimplestatementfilledmewithhopeforthefuture.Ofcourse,eightyearslaterI’mstillwaitingonthatday.ButIbelieveitwillcomeeventually.

Oh,Ikid.Kindof.Butsomewherearoundthetwelve-weekmark,itseemedtogeteasier.Or

maybeI’dfinallyacclimatedtosleepinginthree-orfour-hourstretches.AndsoIdecideditwastimetoestablishsomesortofrealschedule.

I’dheardallabouttheimportanceof“theschedule”throughoutmypregnancy.Friendshandedmeallmannerofbooksonthetopic.Allofwhichseemedtodisagreeonthebestwaytogetyourbabyonaschedulebutequallyemphasizedthatfailuretoimplementaschedulewaslikelytoproduceachildwhowouldgrowuptobecoveredintattoosandlivinginavandownbytheriver.

SomepeoplesaidIneededtolethercryitout,whileotherssaidthatwasasurewaytoguaranteeshe’dresentmelaterinlifeandhavelong-standingtrustissues.Somebookssaidshewassupposedtoeat,sleep,andplay—inthatorder,andthatorderonly.Butthisthrewmeintoafrenzybecause,Ohmygosh,shefellasleepwhileshewassupposedtobeplaying,andwhatdoIdonow?Thewholedayisruined.

UltimatelyIendeduptakingbitsandpiecesofadvicefromvariousbooksandfriendsalongwithapplyingadoseofcommonsenseandworkedtofigureoutwhatwasbestforus.TherewerenightsI’dattempttolethercryitout,andIlastedonlyfourminutesbeforeIcavedandranintoherroom.AndthentherewereothertimeswhenI’dactuallygothroughwiththewholecry-it-outthing,whichwereusuallythetimesI’dhavetoleavethehouseandputPerryinchargebecausemyheartcouldn’ttakeit.

Inspiteofmylackofexperience,theschedulehappened.Throughacombinationoftrialanderrorandteethinganddirtydiapersandwhy-is-she-still-awakemoments,wedevelopedaroutine.Carolinehadinheritedherfather’sGrandpaWaltontendenciesandwasusuallyinbedforthenightby6:00p.m.By

thetimeshewasfivemonthsold,she’dnormallywakeuponceduringthenightandthengobacktosleepuntilsixo’clockthenextmorning.AndIbecameapersonIdidn’trecognize.Apersonwhowasexcitedbytheprospectofsleepinginuntiltheluxurioushourof6:00a.m.Apersonwhosawsunriseseverymorningandheardtheearly-morningcannongooffatthenearbyarmybase.

ButthoseearlymorningsarethefabricofsomeofmysweetestmemoriesfromCaroline’sbabydays.We’dcurluponthecouchandwatchSesameStreettogetherbecausethatwasbefore“theexperts”determinedthattelevisionbeforeagetworuinsyourchild.(Clearlythoseexpertsneverhadasmalltoddlerandahusbandwholikestoeatdinnereverynight.Becauseotherwisethey’dcollectastashofBabyEinsteinDVDssofastitwouldmakeyourheadspin.)

Shewouldrelaxagainstmewithherarmsproppedbehindherheadlikeshewasafifty-year-oldmanrelaxingafteralongdayattheoffice,andwe’dlaughatElmoandI’dsinghersongsandmyheartwouldachebecauseIlovedhersomuch.Ilookbackatthosedaysandthinkthat’sexactlywhatpeoplemeanwhentheytellyouthedaysarelongbuttheyearsareshort.

ThosewerethedaysIwouldlookattheclockandcouldn’tbelieveitwasonlyeleveninthemorning.ThosewerethedaysI’dcountdowntheminutesuntilbedtime.Butthosewerealsothedaysthatseemedtobegoneintheblinkofaneye.

SometimesIregretthatIdidn’tenjoythemmoreinthemoment,butisn’tthatthewaymotherhoodgoes?Lookingback,thesweetestthingsareoftenthehardestthings.Theyteachyoualevelofsacrificeyoudidn’tknowyouwerecapableof,andforme,havingachildwasthebeginningofaglimpseintothekindofloveChristhasforus.Sacrificiallove.Lovethatdoesn’tkeepscore.Lovethatisn’tdependentonwhat’sinitforme.Lovethatisconsumingandprotectiveandunconditional.ThesearetheearlymomentsthatbondedmeforevertoCarolinebecausewewerelikewarbuddies.Therewasafeelingof,Heyyou,wesurvivedanotherday.

ThosearethedaysIwalkedaroundfeelingliketheend-of-the-movieversionoftheGrinch—myheartthatwasoncesmallgrewatleastthreesizes.AndIwouldn’thavemissedoneofthemforallthesleepintheworld.

Unlessitwasonreallyhigh-thread-countsheets.

Chapter10

BacktoWork,BacktoReality

Thebeautyofbeingemployedinthepharmaceuticalsalesindustrywasthatitcamewithasweetsix-monthmaternityleave.Granted,notallofitwaspaidleave,butIhadtheluxuryofplentyoftimetoadjusttolifewithanewbabybeforehavingtofigureouthowtoincorporateafull-timejobintotheequation.Honestly,Idon’tknowhowwomendoitwhentheyhavetogobacktoworkafterjustsixweeks,whentheirboobsarestillleakingandthey’vehadatotaloffourhoursofsleepsincethebabywasborn.

BeforeIhadCaroline,Ihadamastermotherhoodplaninthatcute,naivewayallwomenhaveofbelievingtheycanmapouttheirfutureswithoutfactoringinhormonesandblindinglove.We’dfoundanice,olderwomanwhowaswillingtocometoourhousefivedaysaweektolookafterCarolineandmaybeevencooktheoccasionalhomemadeenchiladadinnerwhilePerryandIworked.HernamewasStella,andIjustknewshewasgoingtobethebestthingtoeverhappentoourfamily.SheevencamebytomeetCarolinewhileIwasonmaternityleaveandtoldmethatthemagicalcureforababywithhiccupswastoputapieceofredstringonherforehead.HowcouldInotfeelcomfortableaboutsomeonewiththatlevelofbabyexpertisetakingcareofmychild?

Butasthedaysofmymaternityleavewounddown,IbegantoquestionwhetherIcouldhaveanotherwomaninmyhousewithmybaby.Ithadseemedlikesuchagoodideaintheory,buttherealitywasIwantedtobehomewithCarolineinsteadofdeliveringChinesefoodtoanangrydoctor’sofficestaff.Butthatwasn’treallyanoptionatthemoment.Weneededtheinsuranceandthefreecarmyjobprovided,andtherewasn’tanyotherchoice.

However,IbegantorealizethatwithPerryowninghisownlandscapingbusinessandmybeinginsales,wehadfairlyflexibleworkschedules.SoItearfullypresentedhimwiththesuggestionthatweletStellaknowshewasn’tneededandjustmakethewholeparentingthingworkbetweenthetwoofus.Heagreed.

IcalledStellatoletherknowweweren’tgoingtoneedherorherhomemadeenchiladasafterallandexplainedthatitwasn’ther;itwasmeandallmyconflictingemotionsaboutattemptingtobalanceamotherhoodIadoredandacareerthatIdidn’treallycareaboutbuthadtoendurebecauseoftheregular

careerthatIdidn’treallycareaboutbuthadtoendurebecauseoftheregularpaycheck.

ItwasearlyFebruarywhenIbeganmystintasaworkingmotherwithafull-timejob.ItwashardenoughjustbeingawayfromCarolineduringtheday,butthenIwasinformedI’dhavetoflytoChicagoforfourdaysofmeetings.Ifeltlikemyheartwasgoingtobreak.ThemorningIleft,mymother-in-lawcametowatchCarolinewhilePerrydrovemetotheairport,andIstoodinmykitchenandcriedmyeyesout.Iregrettedourdecisiontorenovateourhouseandspendallthatmoney.Whycouldn’twejustliveinashacksoIcouldstayhomeandbewithmybaby?WhydidIthinkweneededtohaveanelectricalsystemthatdidn’tshortouteverytimeweranthemicrowave?

Butthenmymother-in-law,awomannotinclinedtoshowmuchsympathyformelodramaandself-pity,lookedatmeasItriedtostuffmylaptopintomybagbetweensobsandsaid,“Youneedtogetoverit.”

Wow.Well,thatwascertainlyharsh.Iwantedtoyellback,“Whydon’tyougetoverit?”butthatdidn’treallyseemtohaveanyrelevanceinthisparticularsituation.SoIjustletPerrysteermeoutthebackdoorandintothewaitingcarbeforeIsaidsomethingIwouldmostlikelyregret.

Butasmadasthecommentmademe,Islowly,slowlybegantorealizeshemighthaveapoint.Thiswasmynewreality.I’dalwaysknownI’dhavetogobacktoworkatsomepoint,andIcouldeitherembraceitorresentit.AndsoIembracedit.Mostly.IspentthosefourdaysinChicagomissingCarolineterriblybutatleasthalfwayadmittingtomyselfthatI’dforgottenwhataluxuryitwastogetinbedatteno’clockatnightandsleepnonstopuntilseveno’clockthenextmorning.Ihadn’tbeenthatrestedinsixmonths.

AndsobegantwoyearsofshufflingmeetingsandcoordinatingschedulesandnotperformingmyjobnearlyaswellasIshouldhave.Myheartwasalwaysathome,andInolongercaredatallaboutdoctorsandprescriptiondrugs.

(AsopposedtothedayswhenIcaredsomuchthatIwasstillinbedat10:00a.m.whenthepaintersarrived.)

Tosaythosewerealong,hardtwoyearsislikesayingImightbeinterestedinachocolatedonutwhenI’msufferingfromPMS.Itwasaconstantjugglingact.PerryandIwouldsittogetherwithourcalendarseverySundaynightandplayschedulerouletteaswebargainedandhaggledoverwhosemeetingsweremoreimportantandwhetherornottheSmiths’newdrivewayreallyneededtobepouredonTuesdaybecauseIwassupposedtodeliverbreakfasttoDr.Garciaandhisentirestaffthatmorning.

Itdidn’thelpthatCarolinehaddecidedatsomepointaroundtheone-yearmarkthatsleepingthroughthenightwasoverrated.Whysleepwhenyoucanstandinyourcribandseehowfaryoucanthrowyourpacifier?Iwouldrunthat

standinyourcribandseehowfaryoucanthrowyourpacifier?Iwouldrunthatchildlikeshewastrainingforamarathonduringthedayinanattempttogethertosleepallnight,butshewouldstillcallmeintoherroomat3a.m.,andhowwasIsupposedtoresistalittlemonkeyinfootypajamassaying,“Rockyou,Mama,”whichwasherwayofaskingtositintherockingchairwithmeforjustalittlewhile.

Anotherofherfavoritemiddle-of-the-nightactivitieswasagameIlikedtocall“YouFindIt,Mama,”whereshewouldcallmeinwithacryofdistresstoaskmetofindherpinkbunnyorSqueakE.Mouseoranyotherstuffedanimalthatwasguaranteedtobelocatedattheverybottomofthetoybox.

No,pleasedon’tworrythatyourmotherhasn’texperiencedaREMcycleinsixmonths—let’smakesurewefindBlueShaggyDogatfourinthemorning.

TherewasapointduringthistimethatIwenttothedentisthopingIhadacavityjustsoIcouldhaveanhourorsotosleepinthechairwhileitwasfilled.

EventuallyIbegantorealizewecouldn’tgoonthisway.Perry’slandscapebusinesswasgrowing,andIcouldn’tkeepdoingmyjobhalfwayandcompletelysleepdeprived.That’swhenIbegantoexplorethewonderknownaspreschool.Carolinewasalmosttwo,andIfeltlikethefallwouldbeagreattimetoputherinschoolforacoupleofdayseachweek.

Ivisitedafewlocalchurchschools,includingtheonePerryhadattendedasalittleboy—theoneeverybodyclaimedwasthebest—whichiswhereIultimatelyenrolledher.TheheadmistresshadbeenaroundsinceGodwasachild,andIwasconvincedthatherseriousapproachtoachild’seducationandoveralldevelopmentwouldbethebestthingforCaroline.Whentheheadmistressdescribedtheschool’sdistinctionstome,sheinformedmehowimportantitwasforeachchildtobringanutritious,well-balancedlunchtoschooleachdayandcommentedthatonelittleboyevenbroughtbrusselssprouts.IwenthomeandannouncedallmyfindingstoPerry,includingthebitaboutthekidwhobroughtbrusselssprouts.Hesaid,“Oh,yeah,thatwasJasonMiller,backwhenIwasthere.He’salwaysbeenatotalfreak.”

Ofcourse,Iunderestimatedafewthingsinmyschooldecision,suchasCaroline’sloveforpeanutbutterandjellywithasideofCheetosandmyfundamentalbeliefthataseriousapproachisaboringapproachthatcansuckthe

lifeoutofaperson.Becauseit’sallwellandfinethatyourschoolisaccreditedbytheblah-blahboardofblah-blah,butpreschoolisreallymoreaboutlearningbasicsocialskillsthantheKeynesiantheoryofeconomics.Let’snottakepeoplewhostillpoopintheirpantstooseriously.

SometimeinlateAugustIpackedCaroline’snewNemolunchboxwithwhatIhopedpassedasafairlynutritiouslunch,thoughtherewasnaryabrusselssprouttobefound,andwalkedhertohernewlittleclassroom.Atthetimesheseemedsobigtome,butnowIlookbackatpicturesandwonderwhyonearthIwasdroppinganinfantoffatpreschool.Shewasstilljustmychubby-cheekedbaby,withherbouncyponytailandherKedswithVelcrostraps.

Icounteddowntheminutesuntilitwastimetopickherupat2:45,anxioustoseehowherfirstdayhadgone.IwasastoundedwhenIwalkedintoherclassroomtodiscoverthatshewasasleeponhernapmat.Theteacherexplainedshehadtakenforevertofallasleepandhadspentmuchofthattimedistractingtheotherkidsbeforeshefinallypassedoutfromexhaustion.

Iscoopedherup,herhairmattedtothesideofhersweatylittleface,andcarriedherouttothecar.AsIaskedheraboutherday,shetoldmeshe’dhadfunbutshedidn’tlikenaptime.Whichshouldhavecomeasnosurprise,consideringshewasn’tafanofnaps,orsleepingingeneral,athomeinherownbed,sowhydidIthinkshewasgoingtorelaxonaninch-thickmatwithhershoesstilloninaclassroomfullofkids?

Ispenttherestoftheeveningworryingaboutthenap-timedynamicatpreschool,andmyfearswereconfirmedthenextmorningwhenIdroppedCarolineoffatschool.HerteachermetmeatthedoorwiththeannouncementthatIneededtopickCarolineuppriortonaptimebecausehavinghertherewastoodisruptivefortheotherkids.

Seriously,lady?Yougaveusoneshotatnaptime,andwe’reout?IfoundithardtobelieveCarolinewastheonlychildwhostruggledwiththenap.ButIagreedtopickherupbeforenaptime,andthat’swhatIdidforthenextthreeweeksuntilCarolinedecidedshedidn’twanttoleaveschoolearlyanymore.Iexplainedthatmeantshe’dhavetoliedownandsleepatschool,thatshecouldn’tkeeptheotherkidsawake.Sheagreed,andfromthatpointonshemadeitthroughnaptimewithonlyafewissueshereandthere.Itwashardformetobeafanofherteacherafterthewholenappingdebacle,butCarolinelovedherandevennamedthebabydollSantabroughtthatChristmasMrs.Laurie.AndhowcouldIarguewiththat?

Imean,doesn’titsayintheBiblethatnogreaterlovehathatoddlerthannamingababythatwetsitsdiaperafterherpreschoolteacher?

Chapter11

PottyTraining:BringingPeopletoTheirKneesSinceForever

Preschoolbecameanormalpartofourlives.Carolinelovedgettingtoseeallherfriendsseveraltimesaweektomakecraftsandeatpasteandfightovertricycles,andIwasabletobetterbalancehavingacareerandbeingamother.Weadjusted.IacceptedthatbeingaworkingmotherwaswhatGodhadforme,andIwasokaywithit.Butinmyheartmyprayerremainedthesame:Iwantedtobehome.IwantedtohavetimetobakecookiesandhavelazymorningswatchingBertandErniewithasnugglygirlinpajamaswhowasn’tgoingtobelittleforever.

Whichbringsmetoanimportantmilestoneinanymotherhoodcareer.Pottytraining.Iknow.Somewhere,someonejustgroanedastheyreadthosewords.That’sbecause

pottytrainingachildistheequivalentofteachingacattotap-dance,andthereareCEOsoflargecorporationswhohaveneverfeltthatlevelofaccomplishment.WhenSteveJobs,founderofApple,passedawayin2011,therewasmuchtalkabouthowhechangedtheworld.And,yes,it’sincrediblycleverthatIcanaskadevicesmallerthanmyhandwheretheclosestStarbucksisorwhattheweatherwillbelikethenextday,butthereisnoappthatwillconvinceyourchildtoenjoythebenefitsofindoorplumbingasopposedtosittingaroundinherownexcrement.

Forthefirstyearofababy’slifethediapersaren’tsobad.Imean,yes,thereistheoccasionalblowoutthatrequiresagasmaskandateamofpeopletogetitcleanedup,butthat’spartoftheparentingdeal.Butitallgetsalittlemorecomplexwhenyourpreciousbabycanwalkuptoyouandannounce,“Mama,Ipoo-pooinmydiaper.”Becauseifyoucanclaimit,thenyoushouldhavethewherewithaltodosomethingaboutit.Nottomentiontheimplicationsofadirtydiaperthatbelongstosomeoneonasteadydietofchickenfingers,hotdogs,andmacaroniandcheese.

(NotthatCarolineeverateasteadydietofanyofthosethings.Wewerepurelyorganicatourhouse.)

(Ifyouconsiderorganictomeananythingthatcomesintheshapeofadinosaur.)

dinosaur.)(Inmydefense,it’shardtothinkaboutcookingahealthy,well-balanced

mealforachildwhohasbeenknowntoliveonasinglecheesecubefordaysatatime.)

Truthbetold,Ihadn’tgivenmuchthoughttopottytraining.Itwasavaguedestinationinmymind,someplacewemightventureatsomepointwhenIfeltbraveorhadaprescriptionforXanax.PerhapswemighttoyaroundwiththeideathesummerbeforeCarolineturnedthree.Maybewe’dgetoneofthoseplasticstarterpottiesandlethergetusedtotheideaofsittingonit;maybewe’dgethersomemagazinestoread,sincethatseemstobewhatworksforherfather.

Butthentheveryseriouspreschoolwherekidseatbrusselssproutsthrewmeforaloop.

OnedayinMayIopenedupCaroline’slittleNemobackpacktofindanoteannouncingthatallchildrenmustbecompletelypottytrainedbytheageofthreeortheywouldnotbepromotedtothethree-year-oldclass.Therewouldbenoexceptions.

Youcanrestintheknowledgethewholethingsentmeintoatailspin.AllofasuddenIhadonlythreemonthstogetusallaboardthepottytrain.

AndIhadachildwhoshowedabsolutelynointerestintakingthissteptowardindependenceandproperhygiene.Butnowheracademicfuturedependedonit.Shewasgoingtogetheldbackifshecouldn’tgetridofthediapers.Mybabygirlwasgoingtofailthetwo-year-oldclass.Herfutureasvaledictorianofpreschoolwasatstakeeventhoughshe’drecentlylearnedallhershapesandhowtocounttoten.Unlessyoucountthetimessheskippedoversixandseven.

IheadedtoTargetthatverydaytoacquireaplasticpottyandacopyofeverystorybookIcouldfindaboutpeoplewhousepotties.Look!Ernieusesthepotty!Princessesusepotties!Everyoneusesthepotty!Pottiesarethenewblack.

ThatnightImadeabigdealofintroducingCarolinetothenewpottyI’dplacedinherbathroomrightnexttotheadultversion.Iexplaineditwasherveryownspecialpottyandthatshewastheonlyonewhogottouseit.Whenevershefeltlikesheneededtogotee-tee,shecouldletmeknowandwe’draceinthereanduseherveryspecialpotty.

Shelookedmedeadintheeyeandsaid,“Nothankyou,Mama.”Andthenshepickedupherveryspecialpotty,carrieditintothelivingroom,andproceededtouseitasherpersonalloungechairforthenexttwoweeks.Ikepthopingshewouldeventuallygrowtoappreciateitsfunction,notjusttheobviouscomfortoftheplasticbackrest,butIhopedinvain.IbecameconvincedCarolinewasdeterminedtobethefirstchildwhowouldgoofftocollegewearingaHuggiesPull-Up.

AfewweekslaterIwastalkingtomyfriendDeidreatworkandperhapssingingachorusof“SwingLow,SweetChariot”asIlamentedourpotty-trainingtroubles.Deidrehadtwodaughtersinelementaryschoolwhoappearedtobetotallypottytrained,plusIknewIcouldcountonhertobehonest.Afterall,she’dtoldmeafewdaysearlierthatmynewaviator-stylesunglasseslookedterriblewithmyfaceshape.Ididn’tfeellikeshe’dbeafraidtobeupfrontaboutmylackofpotty-trainingexpertise.

Deidresaidtheproblemwasweneededtogocoldturkey.Nomorediapers,nomorePull-Ups,nomorecouchthatdoesn’tsmelllikeurine.ShesaidthetrickwastoputCarolineinbig-girlunderwearandthensetatimerforeverythirtyminutesandtakehertothebathroom.Because,sure,itwasn’tlikeIhadanythingtodootherthancleanstainsoffmyrugsandcryeverythirtyminutes.

ButIfigureditcouldn’thurttotryitsincemymethodofprayingandbeggingGodformercydidn’tappeartobeworkingout.IdrovebacktoTargettoacquiresomeprettyMyLittlePonyunderwear,becauseattractive,child-appealingunderwearwasanimportantpartoftheequation,accordingtoDeidre.ThenextmorningIshowedCarolinehernewunderwearandtoldherthattheprettyponywiththepinkmanewoulddieifitgotanytee-teeonit.

Ididn’treallysaythat.But,oh,Ithoughtaboutit.Imadeahugedealoftheresponsibilitythatcomeswithbeautifulunderwear

andtoldherwe’dworktogethertomakesuresherememberedtousethepotty.Andwemadeitthroughthefirstdaywithonlyoneminoraccident.Thenwemadeitthroughtheseconddaywithnoaccidents.Andthen,onthethirdday,sheactuallybegantotellmewhensheneededtogotothebathroomwithoutwaitingforthetimer.AndthenIthrewawaymynewaviator-stylesunglassesbecauseclearlyDeidrewasageniusandknewwhatshewastalkingabout.

PraiseJesus!Mybabywasgoingtopassthetwo-year-oldclass.Shewasgoingtomakeitafterall,justlikeMaryTylerMoore.Somedaywe’dbeabletopackherbagsforcollegeandnothavetoexplaintohernewroommatewhyshehadacaseofHuggiesinthebackofherdormroomcloset.

Butmycelebrationwasshort-livedwhenIrealizedtherewasstillanissue.WhileCarolinehadmasteredtheartoftee-teeingonthepotty,shehadyettopooponthepotty.Infact,sheoutrightrefusedtodoso.IttookmeawhiletofigureitoutbecauseIamveryslow,butitbegantodawnonmethatshehad

trainedherselftowaittopoopuntilIputonhernighttimePull-Uprightbeforeshewenttobed.I’dgetheroutofthebathandputonherlavender-scentedlotion,herPull-Up,andhersweetlittlefootypajamaswiththepinkmonkeysalloverthem.Thenwe’dcuddleupintherockingchairinherroomandreadbedtimestories.Shortlythereaftershewouldexcuseherselfto“gotellDaddynight-night”andcomebacktomefiveminuteslatersmellinglikeasewageplant.

Afteraboutthreenightsofthis,IfollowedherintothelivingroomasshewenttotellPerrygoodnightanddiscoveredthatshemadeaquickpitstopbehindthearmoirethathousesourTVtodoherbusiness.Allred-facedandsquattingbehindthearmoire.LikesheneededherprivacytopoopinthePull-Uphermotherwasgoingtohavetochangethreeminuteslater.

Idesperatelytriedtooutsmartherbychangingupournighttimeroutine.I’dwaittoputonhernighttimePull-Upuntilthelastpossiblemoment,afterI’dgivenhermorethanseveralopportunitiestogodoherbusinessonthetoilet.But,ohno,nothingbeatthecomfortofthePull-Up.Youknowhowyouhearaboutthoseprimitivetribesinthejunglesomewherewhowon’tletyoutaketheirpicturebecausethey’reafraiditmightstealtheirsoul?That’showCarolinewasaboutherpoop.Asiflettingthatpartofhergodownthepipeswastheequivalentofsayinggood-byetoherverysoul.

Meanwhiletheclockwastickingonourback-to-schooldateandwhetherI’dbeabletotruthfullytelltheseriouspreschoolthatCarolinewascompletelypottytrained.Ireasonedthatshewascompletelypottytrainedbetweenthehoursof8:45a.m.and2:00p.m.,andthat’sreallyalltheyneededtoknow.Whathappenedintheprivacyofourhomeandmychild’sHuggieswasourpersonalbusiness.

SoIsignedherupforthethree-year-oldclassandinitialedonthedottedlinethatshewas,infact,completelypottytrained.Thankfullytherewasnoofficialexamoranything.ButIdidreceiveanoteafewdayslaterinformingmeCaroline’snewteacherwouldbemakingahomevisitpriortothebeginningoftheschoolyear.NaturallyIrequestedthathervisitbesometimeinthemorninghours.

SoMrs.Greencametovisit.Myfirstindicationthatthingsweren’tgoingtogowellwaswhenCarolinedecidedtohideunderthediningroomtable.Evenatthreeyearsold,Carolineneverpassedupanopportunityforsocialinteraction.Itwasn’tlikehertonotwanttoentertainourguestwithallmannerofmusicalinstrumentsandconversation.

Mrs.Greenappearedtobeverywarmandpersonable,soIdecidedtotakethisopportunitytoquestionheraboutthedynamicsofbathroompoliticsattheschool.“Howdoesthatwork?Doyouhelpthematall?Likeiftheyneedhelp

school.“Howdoesthatwork?Doyouhelpthematall?Likeiftheyneedhelppullinguptheirpantsorbuttoningabutton?”

“No,”sherepliedwithasmile.“Wereallyencouragecompletelyindependenttoiletabilities.Allchildrenshouldbeabletowipetheirownbottomsandbuttontheirownpants.”Goodnight,amIraisingarocketscientist?Whatthree-year-oldcanwipeherownbottomandbuttonherownpantseverytime?Iknowsomegrown-upswhoarestillworkingonthoseskills.

Mrs.Greenwentontoexplainthattherewasn’tabathroomineachindividualclassroombutratheronebathroomlocatedinthecourtyardareaoftheschool.Shesaidtheteachersusuallysentagroupofkidstothebathroomatthesametime,andthatwaytheycouldhelpeachotherifneeded.

Well,sure.Thatsoundslikeabrilliantplan.Abunchofthree-year-oldswhoseparentshavemostlikelyembellishedtheirpotty-trainingabilitiesforfearthattheywon’tmaketheIvyLeagueallgoingtotherestroomtogether.Whynotjustsendinagroupofmonkeysandcallitaday?Thewholepremiseseemedfraughtwithpotentialdisaster.

WhileIwasprivatelyponderingtheseriouspreschool’sbathroometiquette,Carolinecontinuedtohideunderthediningroomtable.ShehadnointerestinMrs.Greenorthestuffedanimalshe’dbroughtinanattempttobreaktheice.Afterawhilewegaveup,andIwalkedMrs.Greentothedoorandthankedherforhertime.AndshortlythereafterdiscoveredthatCarolinehadtakenthatopportunitytopoopinherpants.

That’swhenIgotonthephoneandbegantocallaroundtootherpreschoolstobeg,borrow,orstealanypotentialopeningsforathree-year-oldgirlwhocouldkindof/possibly/noteverytimegotothebathroombyherselfbutwhowasingeneralreallycuteandterriblycharming.

Whichishowweendedupatanewpreschoolthatdidn’ttakeitselftooseriously.Apreschoolthatrealizedkidsenjoypeanutbutterandjellyalotmorethanbrusselssproutsandoccasionallyneedalittlehelpwipingtheirbottomsorbuttoningtheirpantsandthatnoneofthesethingsarereallyindicatorsofwho’sgoingtoqualifyforMensamembershipinthefuture.

Chapter12

WeDon’tThrowSand

TheotherdayIwasonthephonewithacustomerservicerepresentativefromAT&T,whichmeansIamplayingfastandloosewiththetermcustomerservicerightnow,butthat’snotthepoint.Anyway,Iheardmyselfsay,“Yes,ma’am,thankyouforschedulinganappointmentformetogetmyInternetfixedintwoweekswithasix-hourwindowofuncertainty.Ireallyappreciateit.”Wheneverythinginmewantedtoscream,“Areyoukiddingme?Twoweeks?Andyoucan’tnarrowdownatimeframetolessthansixhours?Youaredeadtome.JustlikemyInternet.”

ButIdidn’tsaythat,becausemyparentstaughtmeappropriatesocialskillsandI’vemostlylearnedtosuppresswhatI’dreallyliketosayinfavorofsomethingthat’smorepolite.It’soneofthosethingsyoutakeforgranted.Untilyouhaveachildofyourown,youforgetthatallofuscomeintothisworldwithacompletelyselfishnaturethatmakesusinclinedtoscream,“No!It’smine!”atanygivenopportunity.

Allthattosay,PerryandIhadreallygivennothoughttohowwewouldattempttoteachCarolineappropriatesocialskills.Andit’sreallyoneofthosethingsweshouldhavethoughtabout,consideringourdaughtercomesfromtwoparentswhohavebeenknowntospeakfirstandthinklater.

InfifthgradeIoncegotdetentionbecauseIdidn’tthinkmyPEcoachhadkeptscorecorrectlyduringagameofkickballandImadethemistakeofloudlydeclaring,“Threeplustwoequalsfive,andifhedoesn’tknowthat,thenmaybeheshouldgobacktofifthgrade.”Shortlythereafter,Ifoundmyselfsittingintheofficeofourprincipal,Mrs.Archer.Whichisawholedifferentstorybecauseshehadtheselong,talon-likefingernailsthatstillmakemefeelalittlebitafraidwhenIthinkofthem.

Mrs.Archercalledmyparentstotellthemaboutmysmartmouth,andIendedupgroundedforthenextweek.ButIlearnedanimportantlesson.Watchwhatyousaytoamanwhoprobablyhaddreamsofcoachingcollegefootballandinsteadendedupwearingpolyestercoachingshortsthataretootightandrefereeingabunchoften-year-oldsastheyplaykickball.

IwishIhadsomegreatwisdomtoimpartabouthowtoteachyourchildappropriatesocialskills,butthejuryisstilloutonthis.Atleasttwenty-eight

appropriatesocialskills,butthejuryisstilloutonthis.Atleasttwenty-eighttimesadayItellCaroline,“Tellherthankyou,”or“Makesureyousay,‘Yes,ma’am,’”or“YouneedtoapologizeforleavingthatpopsicletomeltontopofDaddy’stoolbox.”ButtherearestillplentyoftimesIhearhertellafriend,“NO!Idon’twanttoplaythatgame!”or“You’renotinvitedtomybirthdayparty!”

Andweallknowthereisnogreaterinsultintheworldofelementaryschoolthanthethreatofrescindingabirthdaypartyinvitation.Evenifthepartyisn’tforeightmoremonths.

WhenCarolinewasaboutayearold,webegantoworkonteachinghertosay“please”and“thankyou.”Andshegotprettygoodatit.Wepattedourselvesonthebackandfeltlikeweweredoingaprettygoodjob.Checkoutouradorablelittlefifteen-month-oldwithherimpeccablemanners.Shesays“please”everytimeshewantsanotherpieceofbanana.WebelievedwemightberaisingthenextEmilyPost.

Andthencameourfirstsummerattheneighborhoodpool,whenthedodgypoliticsofthebabypoolcameintoplay.IfyouthinkI’mkidding,it’sbecauseyou’veneverspentmuchtimearoundababypool.Allthemotherswalkinloadeddownwithcrabfloatsandprincessteasetsandpushingtheirprecioustoddlersinstrollers.ToddlerswhojusthappentobedressedlikeseniorcitizensonabeachinMiami,completewithenormoussunhats.

It’sallfuntimesuntilyouactuallytakeyourbabyoutofthestrollerandsheentersthetreacherouswatersofthebabypool,wherethekidsthinkeveryoneelsehasthebesttoys...untiltheyseesomeoneelseplayingwiththeircrabfloatandunceremoniouslyyankitoutfromunderthepoor,unsuspectingchildwhowasrelaxingonit(probablywhilepeeinginthepool,becauselet’snotkidourselvesaboutthat).Allthewhilethey’reyelling,“No!It’smine!Mine!MINE!”

Inthemeantimethemothersareallshockedandhorrifiedbythisbehaviorbecausewhywouldourchildrenbehavethisway?Nevermindthateverysingleoneofusmightgetintofisticuffswithsomeonewhodaredtogointoourclosetandwearournewbootssincethey’re“mine!Mine!MINE!”Weareperplexedbecauseit’sjustacrabfloat,notthepairofnewFryebootswe’vebeencovetingforthelastthreeyears.

Butwewadeintothebabypooltohelpourchildrennavigatethisnewsocial

Butwewadeintothebabypooltohelpourchildrennavigatethisnewsocialterrainbecausethat’sourjob,andwesmileatourfellowmothersaswedoourbesttobepoliteevenwhilewe’rethinkingthatmaybeHarrison’smothershoulddraginherowncrabfloatnexttimeifHarrisonsoobviouslyfeelshislifeisn’tcompletewithoutit.WhyshouldourchildbepunishedbecauseHarrison’smotherwantedtostrollintothepoolunencumberedbyalarge,inflatablememberofthecrustaceanfamily?

Gulleytextedmefromthebaseballfieldstheotherdaybecausesherecognizedamotherinthestandswhomshe’dhadaslightaltercationwithatthebabypoolyearsago.Nowtheirboysareonthesamebaseballteam,whichisjustanotherexamplethatGodhasasenseofhumor.Gulleysaid,“DoyouthinksheremembersItoldhermaybeshecouldgobuyherownalligatorfloatfor$5.99atTarget?”

Becausethat’sthewholeproblem.Whilewe’retryingtoteachourchildrenappropriatesocialskills,wesometimesloseourown.Allourprotectivemama-bearinstinctscomeout,andwe’requicktoseethespeckinanotherchild’seyewhileperhapsignoringtheplankcomingoutofourown.

Carolinehadabigissuewiththrowingsandwhenshewasatoddler.Iftherewasasandboxwithinatwo-mileradius,itwasaguaranteeshewouldfindit,diginitforafewminutes,andthenthrowsanddirectlyatthenearestunsuspectingvictim.

AroundthistimeGulleyandherfamilymovedtoahouseaboutamileawayfromus,whichwasadreamcometruefortwocollegeroommateswhohadalwaysdreamedwe’dbeabletolivenearbyandraiseourkidstogether.Andwerelishedthisnewproximitytoeachotherwithalmostdailyplaydates.Ourthoughtwasthatmydaughter,Caroline,andGulley’sboys,JacksonandWill,weregoingtogrowuptobebestfriends,whethertheywantedtobeornot.

TheonlyproblemwasthateverytimewewenttoplayatGulley’shouse,thekidsalwaysmadetheirwayouttothehugesandboxinherbackyard.InevitablyJacksonorWillwouldrunupcryingtoreport,“Carolinethrewsandatme!Shethrewsand!”

Iwouldmarchouttothesandboxandask,“Caroline,didyouthrowsandattheboys?”Shewouldlookmerightintheeyeandannounce,“Yes,Ithrowsand.”I’dyankheroutofthesandboxwhiledeclaring,“Wedon’tthrowsand.Doyouunderstand?Wedon’tthrowsandatourfriends.Itcouldgetintheireyes

Doyouunderstand?Wedon’tthrowsandatourfriends.Itcouldgetintheireyesandhurtthem.Theycouldendupblind.”(Ibelievesituationsthatcouldpotentiallycauseblindnessareanimportanttoolinthemotherhoodarsenal.Threateningblindnessoratriptotheemergencyroomusuallyproducesresults.)

ThesandproblemswithCarolinebecameanalmostweeklyoccurrenceuntilIfinallyplacedatemporarybanonthesandboxuntilthetimearrivedthatshecouldresisthertemptationtothrowsand.

Aboutamonthaftertheprevioussandboxincident,Iwasoutoftownonabusinesstrip.GulleyhadpickedupCarolinefrompreschoolandwaskeepingherattheirhouseuntilPerrycouldgetherafterwork.HearrivedalittlewhilelaterandsatoutinthebackwithGulleywhilethekidsplayedinthesandbox.Sureenough,ourlittlesandthrowercouldn’thelpherself,andtheboyscamerunninguptoGulley,announcing,“Carolinethrewsand!Shethrewsandatme!”

PerrylookedrightatGulleyandsaid,“Oh,I’msureshedidn’tmeanit.Idon’tthinksheknowsshe’snotsupposedtothrowsand.”

Hi.Areyounewhere?InPerry’sdefense,hehadn’tbeenapartoftheweeklysanddramaand

didn’treallyknowtheseverityofthesituation,butIthinkitshowsourinclinationasparentstoalwayswanttoseethebestinourchildren.Weliketobelievetheyarebetterversionsofus,butthetruthis,theyareus.Theyarefullofourselfishnessandimpulsivenessandpettiness.Theywantthingstogotheirwayjustlikewedo,andtheyscreamandyellandthrowthingswhenitdoesn’tworkout.Theonlydifferencebetweenthemandusiswhatmygrandmawouldrefertoas“hometraining.”

Godgivesustheseraw,littlepeople,andwehavetoformthemandmoldthemandteachthemhowtooperateinsociety.Andifwegetaglimpseofalltheuglinessthatliesrightbeneathourownpolishedsurface?Well,then,there’sahumblinglessontoo.It’sthosemomentswhenIrealizeIhavetoextendgracetoCarolineasshefiguresthesethingsoutbytrialanderrorinthesamewayGodlavishesmewithmercy,evenasImakethesamemistakesoverandoveragain.

Chapter13

LettingItAllHangOut

WhenPerryandImovedintoourhouseinthespringof1998,wediscoveredthatourneighborTilliehadlivedinherhousesincethe1950s.ActuallyhernamewasAdeline,butaccordingtothestoryshetoldus,backinthe1940s,whenherhusbandwasinthewar,shedroveherselfaroundtowninspiteofthefactthatshedidn’tknowhowtodrive.HerdrivingskillsledthepriestsatherparishtonicknameherRootin’Tootin’Tillie.The“rootin’tootin’”partwentaway,butTilliestuck.

WefirstmetTilliewhenshehobbledovertobringatinofassortedchocolatecandiestowelcomeustotheneighborhood.Sheknewagoodthingwhenshesawit,anditwasn’tlongbeforeshewascallingPerrytocomechangelightbulbs,hangherUSflag,anddootherassortedjobs.SheneveractuallycalledhimPerry;shecalledhimTerry,whichmadeitallthefunnierwhenshe’dcallustorequestthatTerryfixherclotheslineorundertakewhateverthechoreofthedayhappenedtobe.

Tillie’shusbanddiedwhentheywereseventy,andshe’dbeenawidowfortwenty-sixyears.Althoughsheneverhadchildrenofherown,shehadanieceandanephewwhocameovertotakecareofher.Theyweren’tnecessarilyalotofhelp,seeingashowtheywereeighty.EverySundaytheywouldpulluptotakehertochurchintheirCaddywiththeKleenexboxinthebackwindow,anditwasalmostpainfultowatchthemallgetinthecar.Youcouldneverquitetellwhowashelpingwhom,andafterhereighty-year-oldnephewbeganwearinganeckbrace,he’djustpulloutfromthecurbwithouteverlookingtoseeifacarwascoming.PerryandIwouldjustholdourbreathwatchingthewholesceneunfold.

Prettysoonafterwemovedin,Tilliebegancallingmetotakehertorunerrands.We’dheadouttotheHallmarkstoresoshecouldstockuponcardsforallhergreat-niecesandgreat-nephews.Ican’ttelly’allhowmanyhoursIspentstandinginHallmarkwhileTillieopenedeverysinglecardandLOUDLYreadthemtome.ThisalwaysledtomyprayersforserenityasTillieread,“Toadearniece,youarelovedmorethanyouknow.”

Thenshe’dsay,“Oh,Idon’tknowifthatsoundsright.I’mnotsureshe’slovedmorethansheknows.Sheknowsshe’sloved.Herparentshavespoiled

lovedmorethansheknows.Sheknowsshe’sloved.Herparentshavespoiledheruntilshe’stotallyrotten.”

AndI’dstandthere,tryingtobepatient,thinkingthatTilliewasnevergoingtofindacardthatread,“Toadearniecewhoknowshowmuchshe’slovedbecauseherparentsspoilherrottenandboughtheraBMWforherbirthdayandit’stotalfoolishnessanditsymbolizeseverythingthat’swrongwithkidstoday.”BecauseHallmarkreallyfailstoreachthatparticulardemographic.

OnthewayhomefromHallmark,we’dusuallystopattheHEB,whichisourlocalgrocerystore.TilliehadnevergottenoverthefactthattheHEBusedtobeaHandyAndyandwouldalwaystellme,“Honey,youcouldevenbuyyourunderwearatHandyAndy,andIamalwaysinneedofnewunderwear.”Tilliehadreachedthepointinlifewhenyoucanjustairallyourthoughtsandnoonereallythinkstwiceaboutit.Andiftheydo,youdon’tcare.

I’llneverforgetourfirsttriptoHEB,whenIhelpedhergetabasketandsheassuredmeIshouldjustgoaheadwithmyshoppingandwecouldmeetattheregister.Izippedthroughthestore,goteverythingIneeded,andcamebacktofindTillieaboutoneaislefromwhereIhadlefther.Fromthenon,Ialwayswalkedthroughthestorewithher.Oneofmygreatestmemoriesfromthesetripsiswhenshecorneredthestoremanagerandwentonandonabouthowyoucanbuycheeseincubesorslicesoranyothersuchfoolishness,but“Whyintheworldcan’tyoujustbuyablockofratcheese?”

Hehadthisblanklookandquestioned,“Ratcheese?”Shereplied,“Yes,youknow,likeyouputinarattraptocatcharat.”“Ma’am,areyouneedingtocatcharat?”heasked.Shelookedathimlikeshecouldn’tbelieveshewashavingthisconversation

andsaid,“Ofcoursenot.I’mneedingtoeatsomecheese.Ablockofratcheese.”PerryandIstartedtakingherouttoeataboutonceaweek.Onenightwe

wereataneighborhoodMexicanrestaurantwhereTilliehadeatenforyears.Whenourwaitresscametotakeourorder,Tillietoldher,“Honey,Ihardlyrecognizedyoubecauseyou’vegottensofat.”

Iwantedtocrawlunderthetable,butTillietoldme,“Honey,sheneedstoknow.Shehasgottenfat,andI’mjustbeinghonest.”I’veneverbeenmorecertainthatawaitressspitinourenchiladasbeforeservingthem.

ThepriestsfromTillie’sparishcametovisitheronSundays,andshe’dalwaystalkabouthowtheylikedtodrinkhervodka.Infact,sheclaimedthatdrinkingvodkawaspartofwhathadkeptheraliveforsolong.Sometimesshe’dstarttoloseherbalancewhilewewereout,andshe’dsay,“Honey,Ican’trememberifI’mdrunkorjustold.”

AfewyearslaterTilliehadtohavehergallbladdertakenout.Aftershegothomefromthehospital,Iwentovertovisitandsheinsistedonshowingmeher

homefromthehospital,Iwentovertovisitandsheinsistedonshowingmeherincisionbecause,“Honey,youjustwon’tbelieveit,theyjusttakeitoutthroughyourbellybutton.Haveyoueverheardofsuch?Throughyourbellybutton.”

AndasItriedtoprotestthatIdidn’treallyneedtoseeit,shelifteduphernightgowntoshowmeherbellybutton,andlet’sjustsaythatgravityisn’tkindtoyouwhenyou’reninety-nineyearsold,soalongwithherbellybutton,Isawotherpartsofheranatomyhangingdownthererightnexttoit.Ohyes,ma’am,TillieandIkneweachotherwell.

Afewyearsafterwemovedintoourhouse,myformerhairdresserandhislifepartnermovedintothehousebehindourswiththeirtwoadoptedgirlsfromCambodia,aseventy-year-oldHispanichousekeeper,andaFilipinonanny.TheirhousewasclearlyvisiblefromTillie’shouse,andonedayaswewereheadedtoBun’n’Barreltopickupabarbecuesandwich,Tilliepointedtotheirhouseandsaid,“Honey,thatisanODDassortmentofpeoplethatliveinthathouse.Whatdoyouthinkisgoingonoverthere?Ican’tfigureoutwhogoeswithwho.”

Godblessher.Anyway,foryearsIwonderedwhyGodhadbroughtTillieintoourlives,

andonceIhadachildwhobecameatoddler,Iquicklyrealizedatleastpartofthereasonwhy.Hewaspreparingmeforwhatlifeislikewhenyouarewithsomeonewhohasnodesireorinclinationtofiltertheireverythought.

Becauseasmuchastheyneedtolearnnottothrowsand,theyalsoneedtolearnyoumightnotneedtosayeverythingthatpopsintoyourhead.

OnedaywhenCarolinewasabouttwo,wewenttothepark.Iwatchedhergodowntheslidesandplayonthevariousplayscapes,andthenshesaid,“Comeon,Mama!Let’sgoswing!”

Iputherononeswing,andIsatdownontheswingnexttoher,eventhoughInoticedithadalittledriedbirdpooponit.Nobigdeal.I’magamerlikethat.Ilaughinthefaceofbirdpoop.

(Notreally.Idon’tevenknowwhatthatmeans.)Afterafewminutes,shesaid,“Let’sswitchswings,Mama!”So,wegotoff

ourrespectiveswings,andshewalkedovertomine,lookeddown,andyelled,“OH,MAMA!DIDYOUPOOPINYOURSWING?”AsifIwereherincontinentmotherwhomakesahabitofpoopingonplaygroundequipment.

ThentherewasthedayIwassittinginthekitchenwithaBiblestudyworkbookandmyBible,peninhand.Theverypictureofstudious.Theportraitofagodlywoman.

CarolinecouldsensethatIwashavingamomenttomyself,soshecameovertoseewhatwasgoingon.

“Whatareyoudoing,Mama?”“I’mdoingmyBiblestudy.”

“I’mdoingmyBiblestudy.”“Oh,I’mgoingtodomyBiblestudytoo!”Sheclimbeduponthebarstoolnexttomine,grabbedapen,andstarted

scribblingonanotepad.Iwatchedherforafewmomentsandthought,Thisiswhatit’sallabout.I’mshowinghermyloveforJesus.I’mcreatinganexampleoflivingalifededicatedtoGod,andhowpreciousthatshewantstomodelthatbehavior.Andsecretly,Ievenwishedtheotherpersonwholivesinthishouse(thatwouldbePerry)wouldnoticethismomentofmother/daughter/Godclosenessandtakeapictureofthesweetness.

IwentbacktoreadingmystudywhenCarolinesaid,“Mama?”“Yes,mypreciousangelbabydarlin’?”“Ijustdrewthispicture.It’sapictureofwhatmypooplookslike.”See?Nofilter.

AwhilebackCarolinehadthecroup.Shecouldn’tgettosleep,andIcouldhearherhackingawayinherbedroominspiteofthecoughmedicineI’dgivenherearlierthatevening.Shefinallycameoutofherroomintearsbecauseshefeltsobadandcouldn’tgotosleep.

AndsobeganamarathonofeveryhomeremedyIknewandsomeIdidn’tknowbutlearnedthankstoTwitter,whichisabetterresourcethanWebMDbecauseit’sfilledwithmothersandnooneistellingyouthateverylittlesymptomisasignofcancer.

IsatwithCarolineonthefrontporchsoshecouldbreatheinthecoldnightair,rubbedVicksVapoRubonherfeet,satwithherintherockingchair,gaveherateaspoonfulofhoney,andsangherlullabiesinspiteofmybadvoice.

FinallyIendedupturningonthehotwaterinthebathroomwiththehopethatthesteamwouldhelp.Isatonthetoiletlidwithhersnuggledonmylapwhilethethicksteamenvelopedus.Sheseemedsolittleanddelicate,andmyheartjusthurtbecauseIcouldtellshewasmiserable.Irubbedherfeverishbackandencouragedhertobreatheinthesteamyairtohelploosenupallthe“fungus”(asshecalledit)inherlungs.Afterafewminutesshepulledawayfromme,putbothherhandsoneithersideofmyface,andlookedatmeclosely.

“Mama?”“Whatisit,baby?”Ithoughtmaybeshewasgoingtotellmeshestilldidn’tfeelgood.Ormaybe

Ithoughtmaybeshewasgoingtotellmeshestilldidn’tfeelgood.Ormaybesayshelovedme.

“Mama?”“What,love?”“I’mnotsayingthistobemean,butit’stimeforyoutodosomethingabout

yourmustache.Ijustthoughtyoumightwanttoknow.”Well.Ididnotseethatcoming.Butyouknowwhat?Ididwanttoknow.Ineededtoknow.BecauseI’d

obviouslybeenwalkingaroundforweekswithalittletoomuchfacialhair.Perrywasn’tgoingtotellmebecausehehatessleepingonthecouch.Gulleymighthavesaidsomething,butsheknowsmewellenoughtorecognizethatcouldleadusdownawholerabbittrailfilledwithmyinsecurities.We’dstartwithmyneedtogetmyupperlipwaxedandendupsomewhereintheneighborhoodof“AmIfat?Behonest.DoyouthinkIneedtolosetenpounds?Behonest.”Eventhoughweallknowthatnobestfriendisgoingtosay,“Yes,I’vebeenmeaningtotellyouit’stimetodropsomeweight,sister.Youareborderingonwideload.”

(IfI’mwrongandyouhaveafriendwhotoldyouthat,thenI’mgoingtogentlysuggestthatyoufindsomenewfriends.)

Butkidswilltellyou,becausetheyhaven’tlearnedtofiltereverythingout.Andmaybethat’sokaysometimes.Sure,youcan’tgothroughlifethrowingsandanddrawingpicturesofpoop,butwhatifwewereallalittlemoretransparent?Whatifinsteadofpretendingsomethingdidn’thurtourfeelings,we’dsay,“Youknowwhat?Thathurtmyfeelings.”Andthenwecouldworkitoutinsteadoflettingitsimmerunderthesurfaceuntilthebitternesschokesus.

Mysister,Amy,toldmeshewasworriedaboutmyniece,Sarah,startingkindergartenlastyearbecauseshejustwasn’tsureaboutSarah’ssocialskills.AmywasafraidSarahwouldn’tbereadytointeractwiththeotherkidsintherightway.Amysaid,“SometimesattheparkI’llseeherwalkuptootherkidsshedoesn’tknowandsaysomethingweirdlike‘Myjackethasfourpockets.Howmanypocketsdoyouhave?’”Iassuredherthatallkidsarejustalittlebitbizarreandhalfthosekindergartnerswilleatawholetubofpastebeforetheschoolyearends,soIwouldn’treallybeconcernedaboutwhatconstitutesappropriate.TheyearCarolinewasinkindergartenIvolunteeredintheschoolcafeteria,andtherewerekidswhodranktheleftoverjuicefromtheirpintobeanswithastraw.Beanjuice.Withastraw.Inlightofthat,Ithinkaskingsomeoneaboutthenumberofpocketsintheircoatiscompletelyacceptable.

So,yes,Ithinkweneedtoteachourkidstosaypleaseandthankyouandyou’rewelcome.AndifyoulivesouthoftheMason-DixonLine,thenIthinktheyshouldsay,“Yes,ma’am,”and“No,sir.”MaybetheyshoulddoitupNorthtoo,butIdon’tliveupNorth,soIdon’treallyfeelqualifiedtocommentonthat.

InthewordsofSuzanneSugarbakerfromDesigningWomen,“Havingbadmannersisworsethanhavingnomoney.”That’ssomewisdomrightthere.Butmaybewecantakeacuefromthetoddlersinourlivesandnotfilteroutalltherealparts.

Theyaren’tgoingtogetitrighteverytime,butneitherarewe.Ourjobasmothersistodothebestwecantoteachourchildrenthatlifeisbetterandfriendshipsarericherwhenwetreatotherswithkindness,whenweremembertoshare,andwhenweusenicewords.Torememberthateverypersonwecomeincontactwithmayhaveafewcracksintheirheartsevenifwecan’tseethemandthatloveisalwaysthebestresponse.

Butitalsomightbebetterifeveryonekepttheirbellybuttonsandatleastsomeoftheirthoughtstothemselves.

Chapter14

ICanNoLongerBringHometheBacon

WhenCarolinewasthree,IreceivedacallfrommymanagerinformingmetheHumanResourcesdepartmenthadsomequestionsrelatedtomyworkperformance.TheyneededbothofustoflytoDallassotheycouldquestionmeand/orfiremeinperson.

Theissuesinquestionwerecompletelyfalseandduetocomputererror.Iknewthisandmymanagerknewthis,butmyfearwasthatthisladyinHR,whodidn’tknowmefromAdam,wouldn’tgraspthisandtherewouldn’tnecessarilybeawayformetoproveanything.

Thebestpartwasthattheyscheduledthiscareer-decidingmeetingafullweekandahalffromtheinitialphonecall,whichreallyallowedanabundanceoftimeformetodowhatIdobest:completelyfreakout.

Igotoffthatphonecallwithmymanager,andin2.8secondsIhaduslivingonthestreetswithnohealthinsurance.Iam,bytheway,aninsurer’sdreamcometruebecauseI’mjustparanoidenoughtosignupforanypolicywithinafive-hundred-mileradius.

Iamobviouslyarisktakerbynature.SoIhungupthephoneandwalkedouttotellPerryaboutthecall.Giventhe

factthatallthebloodhaddrainedfrommyfaceandIwashyperventilating,heintuitivelyknewsomethingverybadhadhappened,suchaslosingmyjoboroverpluckingmyeyebrowsagain.

Asthenewsofourimminenthomelessnesscamepouringoutofmymouth,hesatandlistenedtome.WhenIwasfinallydrainedofwords,helookedatmeandsaid,“Itwillbeokay.God’sincontrol.”

Umm,yeah.Iknewthat.Andthethingis,Ididknowthat.Butinthatmomentandthroughoutthe

followingweekandahalf,thereweretimeswhenIcompletelyforgot.IletfeargripmeinsteadoflettingGod’speaceenvelopme.

Inshort,IwastheBodeMillerofChristianfaith.RememberBodeMiller?Thatskierinthe2006WinterOlympicswhowassupposedtowinallthemedals?Hewashighlytrained,hehadtonsofexperience,hewasthemediafavorite.Butwhenitcametimeforthebiggesteventofhiscareer,hechoked.Hedidn’twinonemedal.

Hedidn’twinonemedal.Thatwasme.Ihadexperience.I’dwalkedwithChristforyears.He’d

carriedmethroughthelonelydaysofbeinganewcollegegraduateinatownwhereIknewnoone,throughbadjobsituations,throughthedeathsofpeopleIloved,andthroughaheartbreakingmiscarriage.I’dwatchedhimblessmewithagreathusband,abeautifuldaughter,wonderfulfriends,andahappyhome.Iknewhim.I’dtestedhim,andhehadalwaysprovedfaithful.Always.

YetIwassoquicktoprovefaithless.Oneunexpectedturn,andIwasdownforthecount.IntheOlympicsofChristianity,Iwasn’tevengoingtogetabronzemedal.

Afterthemeetingitbecameapparenttoeveryonethatalltheallegationswerefalse,andIcamehomefromDallasknowingmyjobwassecureforthetimebeing.Butsomethinghadshifted.Thiswholeturnofeventsservedasacatalystformetothinkbiggerthanmyself,toquitlookingatwhatIcouldtangiblysee,andtotaketheleapofseeingmylifeandmypotentialthroughGod’seyes.IrealizedhowmuchI’dbeenwalkinginfearandtrustingmyselfandmyabilitytoprovideinsteadoftrustingGod.

AfewweekslaterIwaswatchinganepisodeofFridayNightLights(which,incidentally,isthebestshowthathaseverbeenontelevision,andIstillmournforittothisday).Attheendoftheepisode,TamiTaylorfindsoutshe’spregnant.Thenurseasksher,“Honey,doyouwantthisbaby?”andshereplies,“IprayedforthisbabytwelveyearsagoandthenelevenyearsagoandthentenyearsagoandfinallyrealizedthatGodmusthaveotherplans.”Thenurselooksherrightintheeyeandsays,“Well,honey,itlookslikeGodchangedhismind.”

AndIbegantocry.IcriedbecauseIknewhowitfelttoprayandgetananswer.Iknewhowit

felttohopethatGodwouldchangehismind.Andtheironyis,whileIwaswatchingthatshow,IhadnoideawhatGodwasabouttodo.

Mymanagercalledmethenextdayandtoldmeitappearedmyjobmightbeinjeopardyafterall.Theweirdthingwasthat,asshetalked,Ifeltperfectlycalm.

Infact,IremainedsocalmIwonderedifIwashavingsomekindofbreakdownthatwaspreventingmefromproperlycomputinginformation.

Perrygothomeandwetalkedaboutit.HeaskedmeifIthoughtthiswasGod’swayofpushingmetotakeastepoffaithandresignfrommyjob.HeputintowordsexactlywhatIwasfeeling.Iknewitwastimetowalkaway.

Itallcametogetherintherightway,attherighttime.PerryandIsatandtalkedabouteverything,andwecouldn’tbelievethe

peacewefeltaboutthisdecision.Afterthreeyearsofquestioningwhy,IsuddenlysawthehandofGod’stimingandprovision.Wewereatapointwhere

suddenlysawthehandofGod’stimingandprovision.WewereatapointwherePerry’sbusinesswasbecomingmoreconsistent,andIwasmakingtensofdollarsfromsomefreelancewritingopportunities.Plus,we’dhadafewyearstoaccumulatemoreinoursavingsaccountlikerealgrown-ups.

Don’tgetmewrong—itwasn’tlikeeverythingwasjustperfect.Therewerehugeobstacles,liketheseasonalnatureofPerry’slandscapebusinessandthelossofmycompanycar,oursweetinsurance,andanice,dependablecheckthatwasdirect-depositedintoourcheckingaccounteverytwoweeks.WewerejumpingintothedeependandtrustingGodtoanextentweneverhadbefore.Anditwasscary.

YetIwassogratefulGodhadchangedhismind,andoverthenextseveralmonthsPsalm16:5-8tookonawholenewmeaningforme:

LORD,youalonearemyportionandmycup;youmakemylotsecure.

Theboundarylineshavefallenformeinpleasantplaces;surelyIhaveadelightfulinheritance.

IwillpraisetheLORD,whocounselsme;evenatnightmyheartinstructsme.

IkeepmyeyesalwaysontheLORD.Withhimatmyrighthand,Iwillnotbeshaken.

IresignedfrommyjobafewdayslaterwithtremblingandfearbutalsowithexcitementtoseewhatGodhadinstoreforus.Itwasthebeginningofmynewcareerasastay-at-homemom.

Afterafewweeksofbeinghome,IdecidedtocomparehowIspentmydaysasapharmaceuticalrepwithadayspentasastay-at-homemom.

Drugrep:6:30a.m.Wakeuptothesoundofabelligerentthree-year-oldyelling,“Mama,comegetme!It’smorning!”

SAHM:6:30a.m.Wakeuptothesoundofabelligerentthree-year-oldyelling,“Mama,comegetme!It’smorning!”

Drugrep:7:00a.m.Stumbleintothekitchenandtrytocomeupwith

somethingshe’llactuallyeatforbreakfastwhileshebegsforcandy.ListentoherthrowafitafterIsaythataYorkPeppermintPattieisn’treallyabreakfastfood.

SAHM:7:00a.m.Stumbleintothekitchenandofferseveralbreakfastoptions,allofwhichareturneddownbecausetheyaren’tYorkPeppermintPatties.

Drugrep:8:30a.m.Loadmyselfuplikeapackmuleheadedforaten-daycampingtripintheGrandCanyon.Withoneshoulder,supportCaroline’sschoolbag,mypurse,myworkbag,andmylaptopbag.Intheotherhand,carryherlunchboxandmycarkeys.Followherouttothecarwhileshestopstoexamineeverycrackinthesidewalk,lookateverybug,andgivethedogsahuggood-bye.FinallygettothecarrightbeforemyarmfallsofffromthesheerweightofitemsI’mtoting.

SAHM:8:30a.m.Stayinourpajamasforalittlewhilelongerbecausewecan.WatchCharlieandLolaandcontinuetopushmybreakfastagenda.Sheissooverbreakfast.Breakfastisfortheweak.

Drugrep:9:00a.m.–12:00p.m.Spendmorningtryingtoconvincedoctorswhoalreadyknoweverythingwhytheyshouldusemydruginsteadofmycompetitor’sdrug.TheypretendtolistenwhileIknowtheyarecompletelyignoringeverythingI’msaying.

SAHM:9:00a.m.–12:00p.m.Spendmorningtryingtoconvincethree-year-oldwhoalreadyknowseverythingwhysheshouldn’tcoloronthewalls,runwithsharpobjects,orspillhercerealalloverthekitchenfloor.ShepretendstolistenwhileIknowshe’signoringeverythingI’msaying.

Drugrep:12:00–1:00p.m.Havelunchdeliveredtodoctor’sofficesoIcanhavethepleasureoftreatingofficestaffandphysicianstoafreelunchwhiletheycomplainthatthey’vealreadyhadJason’sDelithisweekandaskwhyIdidn’tbringmoreDietDrPepper.

SAHM:12:00–1:00p.m.Makepeanut-butter-and-jellysandwich;deliverittothree-year-oldsoIcanhavethepleasureofmakingheradeliciouslunchwhileshecomplainsthatshe’salreadyhadpeanutbutterandjellythisweekandasks

whyIdidn’tgiveherpinklemonade.

Drugrep:1:00–2:00p.m.Takeanap.

(I’mjoking.It’sajoke.)

(Everyoneknowsdrugrepsdon’ttakenapsfrom1:00to2:00becausetheyfinishtheirdayby3:00andgohomeandtakeanapthen.)

SAHM:1:00–2:00p.m.TakenapandtrytogetCarolinetodothesame.

(Orattheveryleast,nottowakemeup.)

Drugrep:2:00–4:30p.m.Goseemoredoctorsandbringthemfreesamplesofdrugswhilemostofthemactputoutthattheymustacknowledgemypresence.SomeofthemenjoyaskingmedifficultquestionsthatIdon’tknowhowtoanswer,suchastheparticlesizeoftheLDLandapoBlipoproteins.

Umm,yeah,Imajoredinspeechcommunications.

SAHM:2:00–4:30p.m.GotothegrocerystoreandbuyfoodforCarolinewhilesheactsputoutthatshemustacknowledgemypresence.SheenjoysaskingmedifficultquestionsthatIdon’tknowhowtoanswer,suchashowdowatermelonsturngreenontheoutside.

Umm,yeah,Imajoredinspeechcommunications.

Drugrep:5:00–bedtime.Thedayisover,withtheexceptionofanoccasionaleveningwhenIgettogooutonthecompany’sdimetosomeofthenicestrestaurantsintownandeatgoodfoodanddrinkfinewinewhilelisteningtosomeofthemostboringpresentationsknowntoman.

SAHM:5:00–bedtime.IstillhavemilestogobeforeIsleep.Dinnertime,bathtime,andbedtimeroutines.Therearechickennuggetstobeeaten,hairtobewashed,andstoriestoberead.Iwouldn’ttradeitforthebestmealintownatthe

nicestrestaurant,evenwithouttheboringpresentation.

Althoughthewinewouldbenice.

Drugrep:Middleofthenight.WakeupcompletelystressedoutabouthowI’mgoingtogrowmarketsharewhentheonlywayI’llbeabletoconvincesomeofthesedoctorstowritemydrugisiftheyundergoacompletelobotomy.

SAHM:Middleofthenight.WakeupcompletelystressedoutabouthowI’mgoingtofillallthehoursinthenextdaywithmeaningfulactivitiesthatdon’tincludewatchingBackyardigansoverandoveragain.

Asyoucansee,insomewaysmydaysweren’tthatdifferent.ThecommonalitybetweenbeingadrugrepandbeingamamaisthatbeforeIactuallystartedbeingeitherone,Ireadafewbooks.Istudied,IlearnedallIcould,Imemorizedmaterialthatcouldhelpmeinanysituationandallowmetoansweranyquestion.

Butthethingis,onlytherealityofdoingsomethingeverydaypreparesyouforwhatit’sreallylike.Nobookcantellyouhowtomakeadoctorprescribeyourdrug,andnobookcantellyouhowtogetatoddlertoeatherbreakfast.It’sallagameofskillandchance.SomedaysIgotitright,andsomedaysIdidn’t.SomedaysIthinkI’vegotitallfiguredout,andsomedaysI’msureImustbethemostincompetentpersontoeverattemptthisjob.

Frommyperspective,I’mjustthankfulthatifI’mgoingtospendmydayswithsomeonewhoignoreshalfofwhatIsayandactslikesheknowsbetterthanIdo,it’smydaughter.Becauseforallthosemomentssheissooverme,therearethosemomentswespenddiggingforworms,lyingonthefloorcoloringpictures,andplayingGoFish.

ThosearemomentsIwouldn’ttradeforanything.Plus,mostofmydoctorswereterribleatGoFish.

Chapter15

PuttingtheCrazyonDisplay

HereinSanAntoniowehaveanannualtwo-weekcelebrationcalledFiesta.ItallegedlyhassomethingtodowithTexas’sindependencefromMexico,butIthinkit’sreallyjustanexcuseforeveryonetotakeoffworkandforthesocialitestowearcrownsandpretendthey’rerealroyalty.Therearealwaysparadesandvariousfoodsservedonastickandcoronationsandmultiplestabbingsbyangrydrunks.Goodtimes.

Caroline’spreschoollikedtocelebrateFiestabyhavingthekidscreatetheirveryownshoe-boxfloats.TheteacherssenthomeanoteregardingalltheFiestaactivitiestheyhadplannedforthekids.Iknowitseemsthatavisitfromreal,liveroyaltyintheformofKingAntoniowouldbemorethanenough,butit’snot.AvisitfromKingAntoniowouldhaverequiredlittletonoparentsuffering,whichwasjustnotacceptable.

Thenotewentintogreatdetailabouthoweachyearthekidsmakethesefloatsandhowitissuchanenjoyableexperiencefortheteachersandkidsthatmanyparentsrequestedthattheybeabletomakethisafamilyprojecttobedoneathome.

Whoaretheseparents?Noonewouldfessup,forfearofbeingostracizedfromthepreschool

community.Sowhiletherewastechnicallystilltheoptionofhavingyourchildmakethe

floatatschoolwiththehelpoftheteacher,theimplicationwasthatyoucouldeitherspendhourswithglue-and-glitter-coatedfingertipsorhangyourheadinshameafteressentiallyadmittingyouwereanuninvolvedparentwhosechildtuckedherselfintobedeachnightwhileyouandyourhusbandsippedmartinisinthelivingroom.

Nowdon’tgetmewrong.Idon’tliketopublicizeit,butIsecretlyloveagoodcraftproject.Theproblemisnotwiththecraftinandofitself;theproblemisIknowitwillunleashmyOCDtendencies.IknowIwon’trestuntilIhaveglitteredandtissue-paperedanddecoratedwithinaninchofmylifebecauseweallknowthatthree-year-oldshavetheattentionspanofafleainadogpound,andifIwantedCarolinetopullafloatthatconsistedofmorethanashoeboxwithaHelloKittystickeronit,itwouldbeuptome.

withaHelloKittystickeronit,itwouldbeuptome.IimmediatelysoldCarolineontheideaofaWizardofOz–themedfloat

becauseMcDonald’swasgivingoutWizardofOzHappyMealtoysatthetime.IenvisionedaminiatureOz-themedparadise,completewithdarlingMadameAlexanderHappyMealfigurinesstandingunderaglitteredrainbow.

TheproblemwaseverytimewewenttoMcDonald’s,wegotDorothyortheMunchkin.NoWickedWitch,noTinMan,noScarecrow.IhatedtobehighmaintenanceatMcDonald’s(whichisfairlyironic,consideringitdoesn’treallybothermetobehighmaintenanceanywhereelse)andaskforaspecificHappyMealtoy.Ijustkeptplayingthedrive-thrulikeIwasatacrapstableinVegas,hopingmyluckwouldchange.

Astheduedatefortheshoe-boxfloatdrewnear,IrealizedIwasintrouble.Firstofall,IhadfourDorothysandtwoMunchkins.ThenwhenIdroppedCarolineoffatschoolafewdaysbeforethefloatswererequiredtobein,Isawafewoftheotherfinishedfloatsondisplay.Thesefloatsbelongedtothekidswhoseparentshadrelinquishedfloat-makingdutiestotheteachersbecausetheyweremuchsmarterandmoreawareoftheirissuesthanIwas.WhenIsawhowgoodthosefloatslookedandnoticedthatoneevenincludedSpidermanscalingaskyscraper,Ibegantohyperventilatejustalittle.Somethinginsidemekickedin,andIknewitwastimetobringmyfloat-makingAgame.

OCDisreal,people.Itisasickness.AfterIleftCarolineatschool,IimmediatelydrovetoMichaelstosecurethe

materialsIwouldneedtomakethebestfloatever.Iboughtcoloredtissuepaper,foamboard,decorativeflowers,andenoughglittertooutfitachoruslineofVegasshowgirls.ThemissinglinkwastheothercharactersrequiredtocompletemyWizardofOzmasterpiece.

Then,asifinanswertoprayer,GulleycalledandsaidshewastakingWilltoridethetrainandpickupaHappyMealatMcDonald’s.Ihatetousethewordbegbecauseitsoundssodesperate,butyes,IbeggedhertorequestthegirltoyintheHappyMealand,ifshewouldn’tmind,topleasespecifythatshe’dlikeaWickedWitchoraTinMan.

SowhileIhatedtoappearhighmaintenanceatMcDonald’s,IhadnoproblemaskingmybestfriendtonotonlyaskforaspecifictoybuttocheathersonoutofaHappyMealtoy.Buthewasonlytwo,andIjustifieditbytellingmyselfhewouldn’tknowthedifferenceand,ifhedid,I’dpayforthetherapy.

Gulleycalledmeabouttwentyminuteslaterwithnews.Anditwasn’tgood.TheMcDonald’sclosesttoushadrunoutofallWizardofOzcharactersandinsteadwasofferingMyLittlePonies.

TherewasnowayIwasgivingupontheWizardofOzfloatjustbecausesomemoronatMcDonald’sdidn’torderenoughHappyMealtoys.Don’ttryto

somemoronatMcDonald’sdidn’torderenoughHappyMealtoys.Don’ttrytopawnoffyourMyLittlePoniesonme,highschoolboy.Everyoneknowsthoseareleftoverfromthelastgiveaway.

IamembarrassedtoadmitthatIcalledafewotherMcDonald’slocationslookingfortheWizardofOzfiguresandfinallysecuredaScarecrow.Iactuallyhadthegirlholditforme(somuchfornotbeinghighmaintenance)andwentandpickeditup.

IrealizeIaminneedofprofessionalhelp.ThatnightIwrappedtheshoe-boxfloatwithgreenpaper,madeayellow

brickroadoutofglitter,andplacedDorothyandtheScarecrowontop.(Yes,Carolinewasasleepinbedforallofthis.What?Likeshewasgoingtohelpwithherownfloat?)IquicklyrealizedIneededaTinManandaLion.IsearchedthroughtheplayroomandfoundalionleftoverfromsomeotherHappyMeal.Granted,thisliondidn’tlooklikeheneededmuchcouragebecausehewasstrikingajujitsupose,buthe’ddo.Then,inaflashofbrilliance,IdecidedtoturnoneoftheMunchkinsintoaTinManusingsomefoil.IgotouttheReynoldsWrapandwenttotown.IposedtheLionandtheMunchkinTinMannexttoDorothyandScarecrowandwenttobed.

ThenextmorningPerrywalkedinthekitchen,lookedatthefloat,andasked,“WhatdoesafoilalienbabyhavetodowithTheWizardofOz?”

Heisagem.Finally,aftertoomanyhoursofcutting,glittering,andgluing,thefloatwas

finished.AsIcarrieditintoCaroline’sclassroomthatThursday,IstartedtoworrythatmaybeIhaddonetoomuch.MaybemyOCDhadgottencompletelyoutofcontrol.Maybemyfloatwouldbesogoodthatotherparentswouldbeembarrassedabouttheirownpaltryefforts.

ButassoonasIarrivedandplacedtheshoeboxinthelineupwiththeothercreations,IrealizedthatwhiletheWizardofOzfloatwasavalianteffort,itwasbynomeansthebestfloatintheparade.Theseparentstooktheirfloatsseriously.Veryseriously.Asopposedtome,whowassocompletelynormalaboutthewholething.

WhichmademethinkwemightallbeliketheScarecrowandinsearchofabrain.Oratleastsomethingelsetodowithallthetimeweapparentlyhadonourhands.

Thewholeexperiencewasaturningpointforme.Icanlaughaboutitnow,butatthetimeIwasoverwrought.Itwasalessonintrustingmyowninstinctsconcerningmydaughter.Justbecauseyoufeelpressurefromotherpeopleaboutthewaysomethingshouldbedone,itdoesn’tmeanit’sthebestthing.Sometimesyousimplyhavetogowithyourheartandbelieveyouknowyour

childbetterthananyoneelsedoes.AndthattherecomesatimewhenyoushouldjustslapaHelloKittysticker

onashoeboxfromPaylessandcallitgood.

Chapter16

LifestylesoftheSick&Feverish

YearsagowhenIstartedworkingasapharmaceuticalsalesrep,peoplewarnedmethatIwasabouttobesickerthanI’deverbeeninmylife.Sittinginallthosedoctors’waitingroomswastheequivalentofhangingoutinagiantpetridishwithnothingbutbadcarpetingandanaquariumtoentertainyouduringaninety-minutewait,theywarned.AndwhileIdidhavemyshareofcoughsandcoldsduringthoseyears,thosebugspaleincomparisontotheillnessesIhavelivedthroughinmytenureasamother.

There’salotoftalkinthenewsabouthomegrownterrorists,specificallythethreatofbioterrorism.Well,Ihatetobeafearmonger,butifthoseterroristsreallywanttotakedownanentirecountry,theycanfindeverythingtheyneedintheclassroomsatthelocalpreschools.

Now,IwilladmitI’mabitofagermophobe.Icringewhensomeonedrinksoutofmyglass,andalthoughItrytoactallWhatever,Iamsocasualandcoolwiththiswhensomeoneusesmyforktotryabiteofmyfood,everythinginsidemeisscreaming,Alert!Alert!Bacteria!Bacteria!

PerryandIhavesomegoodfriendsweusedtogofishingwithonaregularbasis.Actually,theyfished.Ireallyjustheldafishingpolewhileworkingonmytanandthinkingaboutnewwaystofixmyhair.Anyway,Kevinisatotalgermfreak.Asin,hemakesmelooknormalandwelladjusted.Hedoesn’tevenlikeitwhenhiswifedrinksoutofthesamebeverageafterhim.Thethingis,whenyou’reoutfishinginaboatallday,everyoneusuallyjustthrowstheirGatoradebackinthecooleranddoestheirbesttograbtheonethatbelongstothemeachtimetheyneedadrink.

ButKevinalwaysmarkedhisGatorade.Becausehedidn’twanttorisksharinggermsevenwiththewomanhehasvowedtoloveforever.AndsoweallrespectedhisGatoradewaysandmadesureweavoidedhisbottle.

Oneafternoonwehadbeenoutintheboatallday.Itwashotandstill,andIthinkwe’dcaughtmaybetwofishamongthefourofus.Ididn’treallycarebecausemytanwaslookingmarvelous,buteveryoneelsewasgettingalittlecranky.

AboutthattimeSusanpulledanappleoutofthecoolerandbegantoeatit.Whenshefinished,shetookthatslobbery,wetapplecoreandchuckeditrightat

Whenshefinished,shetookthatslobbery,wetapplecoreandchuckeditrightathimassheyelled,“Applecore!Baltimore!”PerryandIwatchedinhorrorasthatnastyapplecorehithimrightinthesideoftheface.

ItwasoneofthosemomentsinmylifethatI’llalwaysreliveinslowmotion.IftherewaseveratimeI’dconsideredjumpingintothedark,scaryoceanandswimmingforshore,thiswasit.PerryandIwantedtodisappear.

Kevinlookedup,wipedtheslobberfromhisface,andyelled,“Whatonearthdidyoudothatfor?Whatwereyouthinking?”And,realizingshe’djustmadeahugetacticalerror,Susanmumbled,“Don’tyourememberthatgame‘Applecore!Baltimore!’whereyouthrowanapplecoreatsomeone?”Unfortunately,shewastheonlyonewho’deverheardofthatparticulargame.Whichisunderstandablebecauseyouhavetoadmitit’sahorriblepremiseforafun-filledactivity.

Anyway,thathappenedatapointinmylifewhenIwasn’tnearlyasparanoidaboutgerms,butnowthatI’vereachedmycurrentlevelofneurosis,Icanfullyappreciatethehorrorofaspit-coveredapplecorehittingyouintheface.Sometimestherejustisn’tenoughsanitizer.

Thethingis,whenyoufirstbringyourbabyhomefromthehospital,you’rehypervigilantabouteverything.Everyonewhowalksthroughyourdoorhastobehoseddownwithantibacterialgel.Youinvestinbleachandboilpacifiers.Youseeeveryoneasonebigmassofbacteriawaitingtoinfectyourpreciousbaby.MyfriendJamieboiledtheplastictoysliningherson’sExerSauceruntilthelittlepuppiesanddinosaurswerenothingbutmisshapenblobs.Basically,youturnintoatotalfreak.You’relikeHowardHughesbutinsweatpantsandanursingbra.

EventuallyIrealizedthatpacifierscanbeboiledonlysomanytimesandthatifCarolinecouldsurvivebeingkissedonthelipsbythedog,thenshecouldprobablywithstandalittledirtonthebabyspoonshe’djustdroppedonthefloorforthefifteenthtimeinfourminutes.NottomentionshehadarealpenchantforgummingthehandleofthegrocerystoreshoppingcarteverytimeIturnedmyback.Itwaslikeshewasdeterminedtocontracttheplagueinspiteofallmybestefforts.

Butshewasbornwithastrongimmunesystemandneverreallygotsickasalittlebaby.Yes,therewereafewstuffynosesthatrequiredthosebluesuckerbulbsoftorture,butnofeversoranythingsomelittlesalinenosedropscouldn’tcure.

Untilshestartedpreschool.OrasIcallit,theall-inclusivegermresort.Whereelsedopeoplebelieveit’s

totallyacceptabletotakethetoyoutofyourfriend’smouthandputitinyours?Orthatplaygroundsandistheperfectsnackitemwhenyougetalittlepeckish

Orthatplaygroundsandistheperfectsnackitemwhenyougetalittlepeckishbeforelunch?

ItwasamemorableThanksgivingwhenCarolinecamedownwithherfirstrealillness.IwasalittleannoyedbecausesherefusedtoeatanyofherThanksgivinglunch,andwhorefusestoeatThanksgivinglunch?It’stheSuperBowloffood.Imean,Iwouldhaveunderstoodifshejustdidn’twantturkey,becauseIhavemyownvariousissueswithpoultry,butnobroccoli-ricecasserole?Nodressingandgravy?Nochocolateiceboxpuddingfordessert?Howcanthischildhavecomefrommybody?

Butshortlyafterlunchwasover,IstretchedoutontheleathercouchatMimiandBops’shousetotakeapostlunchcatnap.Andthat’swhenCarolinetoddledovertome,climbedrightupandlayonmyoverstuffedstomach,putherfacerightbymine,andsaid,“Mama?Mymouthfeelsfunny.”

AllImanagedtosaywas,“Whatdoyoumean,your...?”beforeherlittlebodymadeaheavingmotionandIfoundmyselfcoveredinthrow-up.Itwasalloverbothofus.Inourhair,onourclothes,alloverthecouch.AndIthought,Well,itwillclearlybeeasiertojustsetourselvesonfirethanattempttocleanthisup.

Onethingwassure:I’dneverbeforefoundThanksgivinglunchtobesocompletelyunappealing.

Wedidourbesttocleanupthemess—atleastthebestyoucandowithoutafirehosefullofbleach—andtookoursicklittlegirlhome.Wheresheproceededtothrowupeverythirtyminutesforthenextsixhours.Theworstpartwasthatatoddlerdoesn’treallyunderstandtheconceptofrunningtothetoileteverytimeshefeelstheneedtoyak.Nottomentionshewascompletelytraumatizedbytheentireexperience(yes,joinyourmotherasshedealswithpost-traumaticstressdisorder—maybewecangetatwo-for-onedealinatherapyprogram),andshejustwantedmetoholdhereverytimeshestartedtothrowup.

AboutthesixthtimeIhadtodoacompletewardrobechangeafterholdingherinthevicinityofthebathroomwhileshethrewup,PerryannouncedweneededamoreefficientsystemorIwasgoingtorunoutofrattyoldshirts.

(LittledidheknowIcouldneverrunoutofrattyoldshirtsbecauseIamashirthoarder.Ihaveshirtsthatprecedemycollegedays,andthatwas,lo,manyyearsago.)

(Also,onlyPerrywouldtrytodeviseamorestreamlinedthrow-upsystem.Liketherealproblemwaswejustweren’torganizedenoughwithourgastrointestinalissues.)

Carolinecouldn’tgrasprunningtothetoiletorjustlyingonthebathroomfloorenjoyingthefeelofthecoldtileonherface,whichhasalwaysbeenmy

preferredmethodofdealingwithstomachillnessand/ortoomuchfunintheaforementionedcollegeyears.

SothenexttimeshelookedupatmefromthecouchI’dcoveredinbeachtowelsandannounced,“Ifeelmyfro-upscoming,Mama,”Ipickedherup,openedthefrontdoor,andheldheroutovertherailingofourfrontporch.I’msuretheneighborsweredelightedwiththisdisplay.Nothinglikealittlepost-Thanksgivingexhibitionofcompletefoulnessbyatwo-year-oldwearingnothingbutadiaper,andhermother,who’swearinga1991DiamondDarlingChristmasFormalshirtthatsays,“DecktheHallswithBatsandBalls!”Thesweet,naivecollegegirlwhoworeavelvetdresswithhot-pinksleevesbiggerthanherheadtothatChristmasformalnevercouldhaveimaginedtheatrocitiesthatshirtwouldseefourteenyearslater.

AndsoPerryspentthenextmorninghosingdownthebushesinourfrontyardwhileIsuccumbedtothedreadedstomachvirusmyselfandlayonthebathroomfloorwishingIcouldjustdieandmentallycomposingmylastwillandtestament.

(IwasgoingtoleavemyCHIflatirontoGulley.)Inthetrueformofachild,Carolinehadmadeacompleterecovery.She

dancedaroundmeassheaskedoverandoveragain,inasingsongvoice,“What’shappenin’,Mama?What’shappenin’inyourmouth,Mama?Yousosick,Mama?”

Yes.Mamaissick.Largelybecauseshespentthelasttwelvehourscoveredinthrow-upthatwasn’therown.

Mamaisgoingtodienow.Butyourestinthecomfortofknowingitwasveryimportantthatyouchewedonthehandlesofthattricycleatpreschoolandcontractedheaven-knows-whatandbroughtithometoroost.

Idon’tknowifthisisinanyofthosebooksaboutparenting,butifIhadtogiveyouadefinitionofwhatmotherhoodreallylookslike,Imightjustsayit’sawomanwhocatchesherchild’sthrow-up.Withherbarehands.

Chapter17

Nitpicking

SincetheinfamousThanksgivingfluincident,we’veexperiencedavarietyofillnessescourtesyofourlittlerhesusmonkey.Mostofthemhavebeenyourtypicalstomachvirus/cold/bronchitis/strep-typething.AndofcoursePerryandIwouldbothendupwithsomeversionofallofthese,whichledtoourveryownSymptomShowcaseShowdown,inwhichcontestantscompetetoseewhofeelstheworst.

ThencamethemorningCarolineclimbedintomybedandannouncedshehadasoreinhermouth.AndInoticedshealsohadlittleblistersonherhands.Thisearnedusadiagnosisofhand,foot,andmouthdiseasebythepediatrician.

Thegreatironyisthatmanyyearsbefore,inmyprechilddays,I’dattendedabusinessmeetingandhadtosharearoomwithagirlI’dnevermetbefore.(Yes,thatisasituationthatisthirty-onekindsofawkwardanyway.)ShewasasalesrepinMinnesotaorsomewherelikethatandbecamereallysicktheseconddayofthemeeting.WhenIwentbacktoourhotelroomthatnight,Ifoundherlyingonthebed,sweatingfromfever,andsheshowedmelittleblistersonherhands.IthinkIsaidsomethingcalmandsoothinglike,“Ohmyword,Ithinkyou’regoingtodie.”

Butshetoldmesheknewitwashand,foot,andmouthdiseasebecausehersonhaditbeforesheleftonthetrip.AtwhichpointIfoundmymanagerinthelobbyofthehotel,grabbedhimbyhiscollar,andwhispereddesperately,“Listentome.Youhavegottogetmemyownroom.Myroommatehassomeweirddiseasecalledhand,foot,andmouth,andIdon’tknowwhatthatis,butI’mprettysureyougetitfromrabid,dirtysheep.Ibegyou,pleasegetmemyownroom.”

ItwasexhibitsA,B,andCofGod’ssenseofhumorthatnowmyveryownchildhadcomedownwiththishorribleillnessthatmakespeoplebelieveyou’vebeenspendingtimeonunsanitaryfarms.Therealityis,it’sjustanormalvirus-typethingandfairlycommon.

Ontheupside,Carolinesleptforaboutthreedaysstraightbecauseshewassotired.However,onthedownside,shewalkedaroundforthenextsixmonthstellinganyonewhowouldlistenaboutallthesoresshehadinhermouth.AndthenI’dfeeltheneedtooverexplainthatshenolongerhadsoresinhermouth

thenI’dfeeltheneedtooverexplainthatshenolongerhadsoresinhermouthbutshe’dhadhand,foot,andmouthdiseaseseveralmonthsago.WhichcausedthecashieratthegrocerystoretolookatmelikeshewishedI’djustgobacktotheplacewiththedirtysheepfromwhenceI’dcome.

ButtheplaguethatalmosttookusdownandcausedmetosearchtheInternetforinpatienttreatmentprogramswasthegreatliceoutbreakof2011.I’dspentthelastweekendofJulyatthebeachwithagroupofmybestgirlfriends.Itwasanearlycelebrationformyupcomingfortiethbirthday,andwe’dhadthebesttime.

(Well,exceptforthepartwherewealmostgotarrestedbythepolicemanworkingthelineattheferrybecausehegaveusaticketwefeltwasuncalledfor,andmyfriendJuliewasn’tafraidtolethimknowit.)

(Incaseyou’rewondering,theuseofsarcasmrarely,ifever,endearsyoutopoliceofficers.)

Iwalkedthroughthebackdoorrelaxedandrefreshedandgenerallyinlovewithmylife,thankstohowspecialmywonderfulfriendshadmademefeelallweekendlong.Turningfortywasgoingtobeawesome.Carolinewalkedintothebathroomtowatchmeunpackmybag,andInoticedasshebentdownthatshehadarashonthebackofherneck.ItsuddenlydawnedonmethatIalsohadarashonthebackofmyneck.

SoIaskedher,“Doesthatrashonyourneckitch?”Shereplied,“Yes,ititchesreallybad.”IdidwhatIdoinalllifesituationsthatinvolveapotentialmedicalmystery:IconsultedGoogle,justknowingtherewasatleasta95percentchancethatanitchyrashonthebackofyourneckisasymptomofcancer.BecauseGooglelovesnothingmorethanacancerdiagnosis.It’sthereasonI’velostcountlessnightsofsleepworryingaboutwhetherornotmyyellowtonguewasasignoflivercancer.

(Itwasn’t.ItwasasignIneededtostepawayfromtheChristmassugarcookiesandeatavegetableeverynowandthen.)

(SoIdidn’thavelivercancer,butIwasonthevergeofscurvy.)Asitturnedout,anitchyrashonthebackoftheneckisasymptomoflice.I

immediatelybegantopickthroughCaroline’shairand,sureenough,nits.Nits.Myheadisitchingrightnowjustthinkingaboutit.

Webothhadlice.AndIspentthenextseveraldayssoakingourheadsinmayonnaise,oliveoil,andlicetreatmentoptionsfromthedrugstore.AtonepointIseriouslycontemplatedjustpullinguptoagasstation,payingatthepump,anddousingourheadswithunleadedpremium.

EverythingontheInternetsaidyouneededtobagstuffedanimals,sprayeverythingyouownorhaveeverlookedatwithLysol,andwashallbeddinginhotwater.Ijustwantedtosellthehousefullyfurnishedandmove.Honestly,it

hotwater.Ijustwantedtosellthehousefullyfurnishedandmove.Honestly,itseemedeasier.Turningfortywasgoingtobealivingnightmare.

ButIperseveredandcombedoutnitsinCaroline’shairwhilePerrycombedoutnitsinmyhair.Wespentoureveningsjustlikeafamilyofmonkeysatthezoo.Itwasarealtreat.Makethatthing#4,753onthelistofthingsyouneverimagine,asyouwalkdowntheaisleinthebeautifulwhitedresslookinglikeafairyprincess,yourhusbandwillhavetodoforyou.

ItwasshortlyafterI’ddeclaredourhouseholdlicefreethatCarolinethrewmeunderthebusatchurchoneSunday.Idon’tmeansheliterallythrewmeunderthebus.Iwanttoclarifybecauseourchurchdoesofferashuttlebusfromtheparkinglot,andtechnicallyapersoncouldgetthrownunderthebusatchurch.

Imeanshesoldmeout.ShehadbecomefriendswithalittlegirlinherSundayschoolclass,andthe

girlswereplayingafterchurchwhiletheadultsstoodaroundandvisited.Thislittlegirl’sfather,whomI’dnevermet,walkedupandintroducedhimselftome.Aboutthattime,Carolinejoinedintheconversation,andheaskedifshewasanonlychild.Shetoldhimshewas,andhementionedthathisdaughterwasanonlychildtoo,andsometimesshegotboredathome.

WhileIlistenedinhorror,Carolinesaid,“Yeah,metoo.Igetsobored.Iaskmymomtoplaywithme,butallshedoesissitonthecouch.She’sreallazy.”

I’msorry?I’mreallazy?LastIcheckedIwasriddingyourhairoftheplagueandpestilenceyoupickedupfromwho-knows-whereandspendingmyeveningslookingformicroscopiceggs.

IdesperatelywantedtodefendmyselftothismanIdidn’tevenknow,butIknewanythingIsaidwouldjustmakemesoundmoreguilty.SoIstoodtherefrozen,tornbetweenwantingtoredeemmymothering,throwingmychildundertheliteralshuttlebus,andrunningtothecarandburstingintotearsbecauseIsuddenlyfeltlikeatotalfailure.

InsteadIoptedtosayinanoverlycheerfulvoice,“Okay!Well,youhaveagreatSunday!”IproceededtograbPerry,tellinghimitwastimetogo,andIcouldn’tevenlookatCaroline.Assoonaswegotinthecar,Iturnedtohertearfullyandsaidinashakyvoice,“Isthatwhatyouthinkofme?ThatI’mlazyanddon’tdoanythingforyou?”

ShelookedatmelikeadeercaughtintheheadlightsasIwenton.“Howmanymomsgooneveryfieldtrip?Howmanymomseatlunchatschoolwiththeirkidsalmosteveryweek?Howmanymomshelpwithspellingtestsbymakingtheletterswiththeirwholebodylikethey’redoingthe‘YMCA’?”

Meanwhile,Perrywasn’tsurewhathadjusthappened.Hewasstaringatme

likeI’dlostmymindasIsobbedandwentintogeneralhysteria.ButIthinkhegotthegistbecausehepulledoverthecarandtoldCaroline,“Idon’tthinkitwasverynicetosayyourmomislazy.Idon’tthinkyourealizeorappreciatehowmuchshedoesforyou.”

ThenCarolineburstintotearsandsaid,“I’msorry,Mama.I’msorry.Idon’tevenreallyknowwhatlazymeans.Ijustmeantthatsometimesyougettiredfromtakingcareofmeandhavetotakeabreak.”

Well,thatisthetruth,sister.Thatisthetruth.Ispenttherestofthedayfeelingalittleshellshocked.AllI’veeverwanted

tobewasthebestmotherIcouldbe,andIfeltlikemydaughterhadjustannouncedtotheworldthatshedidn’tfeellikeIwasdoingagreatjob.EveryoneItoldthisstorytoassuredmeIwasawonderfulmother,buttherearesomewoundsthatjusttakeawhiletoknitbackintowholeness.Tobehonest,mypridewashurtmorethananything.

IthinkI’dbeenlivingundertheillusionthatIcouldgiveCarolineaperfectchildhood.Butperfectdoesn’texistinourworld.Icangiveherlove,Icangiveherlaughter,Icaninstillvaluesandmoralsinher,IcanteachheraboutJesusandhowheloveshermorethansheknows,andIcanhopefullygivehermoregoodmemoriesthanbad.

AndIcanpickthenitsoutofherhair,onelittlelarvaatatime.ButIcan’tgiveherperfection,becauseI’mfreshout.That’swherethegraceofGodenters,andIexitquietlythroughtheback

door,allowinghimtofillinthegaps.

Chapter18

ReadyfortheWorld

Iremembermyfirstdayofkindergarten.Actually,Idon’tknowthatIremembertheactualeventsomuch,butI’veseenpicturesofitthathelpmeknowthingsIcan’trecallfromrealmemories.IworeareddressandnavyblueKeds,andIrodetheschoolbus.ThenattheendofthedayIforgottogetofftheschoolbus,andthedriverdidn’trealizeituntilafewblockslater.Idokindofrememberthatpart.ThepanicofknowingIwasn’tsupposedtostillbeontheschoolbusbutnotbeingsurewhatIwassupposedtodoaboutit.

LittledidIknowitthen,butthatmomentwasjustthebeginningofsomanytimesI’dfeelthatway—insecure,panicked,andafraidthatI’dreallyscrewedeverythingup.Welcometotherealworld.It’sakickinthepants.

Andmaybethat’swhyI’dbeendreadingthemomentCarolinewouldstartkindergarteneversincethedayshewasborn.Ididn’twanttosendmybabyoutofhersafelittlecocoonandintothebig,badworldofkindergarten.Iwantedtokeephersafeandmakeherfeelsecure.Andmostofall,Iwantedtobeincontrolofeverythingshewouldeverhearandexperience.ThatwholeJohnTravoltaBoyinthePlasticBubbleidealookedveryappealingtome.AllofasuddenthosehomeschoolersI’dmadefunofbegantolookalotsmarter.IconsideredwhetherornotIcouldspendmydayswearingadenimjumperandmakinghomemadegranolawhileItaughtCarolinefromhome.

(I’mtotallykidding,bytheway.Iknownotallhomeschoolersweardenimjumpers.)

(Someofthemweardenimskirts.)(Seriously,Ihavealotoffriendswhohomeschool.Iapplaudtheirpatience.)AfterthreeyearsofsendingCarolinetopreschooltwotothreedaysaweek,

IthoughtIwouldfeelmorereadytosendherofftokindergarten,butitfeltsodifferent.Preschoolwaskindandfriendly.AsafelittlehavenwhereshewenttoschoolwiththekidsofmyclosestfriendsinacozylittlechurchenvironmentwheretheysangsongsaboutJesusandmadeflowerpotnativitieseveryChristmasandhadaspecialchapelcelebrationinhonorofeachstudent’sbirthdayeveryyear.

Iknewthemeanstreetsofpublicschoolweren’tgoingtobenearlysonurturingandkind.Wewouldhavetogettoknownewkidsandnewfamilies.

nurturingandkind.Wewouldhavetogettoknownewkidsandnewfamilies.Mybabywouldbeexposedtokidswhomightmakefunofherlunchboxorhersparklytennisshoes,andImightbetemptedtotacklesomeonewhodidn’tevenhavepermanentteethyet.

IwantedCarolinetostayinthesafeharborofChristianpreschoolforever.Infact,theonlyreasonIwasevenremotelyhappyaboutmovingonwasthatitwouldmarktheendoftheannualcreationoftheFiestashoe-boxfloat.

Butasforeverythingelse,itbrokemyhearttoleave.OnCaroline’slastdayofpreschoolIhuggedthedirectorsandthankedthemforthewaytheyhadfiercelylovedmychildoverthelastthreeyears,andIcriedsohardIthinkIfrightenedthemalittle.Imayhaveevenbeggedthemtoconsiderstartingakindergarten.

ThencamethenightIwasprogrammingourDVRtorecordvariousshowsthroughouttheweek.AtthatmomentitreallydawnedonmethatIwasabouttosendCarolineofftokindergarten.Forthelastfiveyears,asourtastesgraduatedfromSesameStreettoPinkyDinkyDootoTomandJerry,themajorityofourmorningshadbeenspentsnugglingonthecouchwatchingTVtogetherbeforewestartedourday.Butnowwewereabouttoenterintotheworldofschedulesandalarmclocksandextracurricularactivities.

It’snotlikeIdidn’tknowitwascoming.Butthereitwas,loomingbigandbrightonthehorizon.Andthat’swhensomethinginsidemebegantoachemorethanalittle.Iwasn’treadytosendmygirlofftoabig,wideworldwhereshe’dcarryherownlunchtrayandpickoutwhatkindofmilkshewanted.Ofcourse,shedoesn’tevenlikemilk,butthatwasn’tthepoint.

SoIspentthatsummerdreadingAugust.Ididn’twantschooltostart.Ididn’twanttosendmybabytoschool,eventhoughItriedtoappearreallyexcitedeverytimewetalkedaboutitbecauseIdidn’twanthertosensemyfear.Youknowwhattheysayaboutbeesanddogsandfive-year-olds.

Abouttwoweeksbeforeschoolbegan,Iwasgettingmyhaircut,andmyhairdresseraskedmeaboutCaroline—specificallyhowIdisciplinedCarolinewhensheactedupordidsomethingwrong.

Here’swhatIsaid:“LatelyIhaven’thadtodisciplineherthatmuch.Theyearshewasthreewasreallyhardbecauseshetestedmeoneverything,butnowthatshe’sfive,Irarelyhavetodisciplineher.SheknowsI’mseriouswhenIgiveheralookorgetacertaintoneinmyvoice,andshe’llusuallydowhateverI’veaskedhertodo.”

Well,thatwasamistake.ItwaslikeIopenedthevaultofchild-rearingfateandyelled,“Thiswhole

parentingthingissoeasy!Ihavefigureditallout!”Don’teverdothat.It’sabigmistake.

Don’teverdothat.It’sabigmistake.Becausethefollowingtwoweekswerefilledwithmoremeltdownsand

dramathananepisodeofTheBachelor.AtonepointIputCarolineintime-out,andwhenIwentinherroom,Ibegan

toexplaintoherthatMamaisthebossandshecan’ttalkbacktome.Shelookedatmeandsaid,“Ifyousayyou’rethebossonemoretime,I’mgoingtogetmyselfsoworkedupthatIdon’tknowwhatI’lldo.”AtwhichpointIsentaflurryofprayersupwardinthehopethatGodwouldsustainmeforthenexttwentyyears.

That’swhenIbegantostarelonginglyatthecalendarandcountdownthedaysuntilschoolstarted,becauseeverydayendedwithmyfeelingtiredandfrustratedfromfightingonebattleafteranotheralldaylong.

Shewasready.Iknewwithoutadoubtthatshewasready.Itwasevidentineverythingshedid:fromherfierceindependencetothewayshebreezedthroughKindergartenBasics,theworkbookfilledwithexercisesI’dboughtforher.Shewasmysocialbutterfly,andshewasreadytofly.

AndIhadtolether.TwoweekslaterIdressedherinalittlepinksundresswithamonogramonit

andputinwhatwouldturnouttobeoneofthelastbowsshe’deverwearinherhair.Wetookamillionpicturestodocumentthemoment,andthenPerryandIdrovehertoschoolandbeganthelongwalktoherkindergartenclassroom,eachofusholdingoneofherlittlehands.Thensuddenlyshedroppedourhandsandsaid,“Followme.Iknowwheretogo.”

Shewalkedaheadwithherheadheldupandabackpackonherbackthatwasalmostbiggerthanshewas.Oh,myheart.ItwasatthatmomentIrealizedIwasgoingtohavetoletherleadthewaytosomanymilestones.

WefollowedCarolinetoherclassroom,saidhellotoherteacher,andhuggedCarolinegood-bye.ImanagedtomakeittothecarbeforeIbegantocryinawaythatwouldmakeShirleyMacLainethinkIneededtoquitbeingsuchadramaqueenandgetagrip.PerryandIprayedthatGodwouldwatchoverherandprotectherandsurroundherwithfriendsandhislove.That’swhenthepeacecamein,becauseitwasthereminderthatGodlovedherevenmorethanwedid.Hehadbigplansforherlife,andkindergartenwasjustthebeginning.

Andyouknowwhat?Shewasjustfine.AndIwasjustfine.Itwasthebeginningofanewadventureforbothofus,andifyouwanttodiscoverthenew,youalwayshavetoleavetheoldbehind.Godcan’ttakeusanywhereifwekeepclingingtolittlebitsofthepast.WhichisalessonI’vehadtolearnatleastonceorathousandtimesovertheyears.

Kindergartenwasgreat.CarolineandIbothlovedherteacher,andIwasabletospendonedayaweekvolunteeringinherclassroomorinthecafeteria,whichiswhereIlearnedthatfive-year-oldsaregross.AndIalsolearnedthattherewasatleastonemomwhofelttheneedtopackroll-your-ownsushiinherchild’slunchbox.Waytomaketherestofusfeelguiltyandmediocrewithourofferingsofpeanutbutterandhoneyonwhitebread,sister.

IbelieveitwasinJanuaryofCaroline’skindergartenyearthatwegotanoteinformingparentstherewouldbeaninformationalmeetingforthoseofusinterestedinhavingourchildtestedforthegiftedprogram.Whichmademewonderwhatqualifiesakindergartnerasgifted.TheyknowtouseaKleenexinsteadoftheirfinger?Ortheydon’ttrytoeatthegold,spray-paintedmacaroniduringcrafttime?

ButIhadtomakeadecisionaboutwhetherornottoattend.IwastornbecauseobviouslyPerryandIthoughtshewasgifted.Weknewshewasgiftedwhenshecouldpassgaslikeamanatonlysixmonthsold,nottomentionthefactshecouldspotadeerinthebrushat150yardsfromthetimeshewasthreeyearsold.

However,thosequalitiesmaynotbeexactlywhatHarvardislookingfor,althoughtheymightbeexactlywhatsheneedstosomedaygetherownhuntingshowontheOutdoorChannel.

ButIwasn’tsureIwantedtohaveCarolinelabeledbytheageoffive.Ifshequalifiedforthegiftedprogram,woulditmeanshe’dfeeltoomuchpressuretoperformacademically?Wouldittakethejoyoutofschool?Iwasmuchmoreconcernedwithraisingawell-roundedpersonwhoenjoyedschoolthanwithbeingabletocasuallydropphrasesinsocialsettingsaboutthestrugglesofraisingagiftedchild.“Oh,itwassodifficultwhenwestartedtrigonometryinsecondgrade.”

Ithoughtaboute-mailingCaroline’steachertoseeifshethoughtweshouldhavehertested.Ifiguredshesawherintheclassroomonadailybasisandprobablyhadabetterideaofwhattheywerelookingfortodetermineifachildwasgifted.TheproblemwasthatIreallylikedCaroline’steacheranddidn’twanttosendherapotentiallyawkwarde-mail:

DearMs.KindergartenTeacher,

DearMs.KindergartenTeacher,

Youknowthatourpreciousbabygirl,Caroline,isthelightofourlives.Wethinksheisthesmartest,mostwell-adjustedchildontheplanet.Sheisabletoleaptallbuildingsinasinglebound,andwehavenodoubtshehasabrilliantfutureasanOlympicathletewithasidelinecareerasthehostofanincrediblysuccessfulrealitytelevisionshoworasanuclearphysicist.Inotherwords,shehasthepotentialtolivetheAmericandream.

We’resureyouagreewithusthatthereisnodoubtsheisgifted,butwillyoupleaseletusknowifyouthinkshe’snot?

SincerelyandTotallyUnbiased,PerryandMelanie

See?Awkward.UltimatelyIdecidedtoattendthemeetingandseewhattheyhadtosay

becauseIdidn’twanttobetheparentwhosays,“Nowayismychildgifted!I’mgoingtoskipthemeeting,stayhome,andwatchmesomeRealHousewivesofNewYorkCityinstead.”IfiguredIneededtogiveCarolineachanceandnotbedefensiveifsomeonedaredtowriteonpaperthatmychildwasn’tintellectuallysuperiortoalltheotherkidsinherclass.AtleastIcouldrestintheknowledgeshewassmarterthanthekidnexttoherwhochewedthegumhefoundonthebottomofhisdesk.

WhenIwalkedinthedoorforthemeeting,theygavemeahandout.Itwasachecklistofbehaviors,andIwassupposedtocheckyesornoforeachone.WeweretoldthiswouldbeoneofthedeterminingfactorsforwhetherCarolinequalifiedfortheprogram.

Apparentlymostoftheparentsintheroomweregiftedbecausetheyallrealizedprettyquicklythatthey’dbettercheckyestoatleasttenofthetwelvecharacteristicsortheirchildwasgettingsentstraighttoDoreen’sVocationalSchoolforKidsWhoCan’tReadSoGoodinsteadofspendingafewhoursaweekdiscussingEinstein’stheoryofrelativitywithabunchofothergeniuseswhodidn’teatpaste.

IsatinthatmeetingandrealizedIdidn’twanttoassumeCarolinewasn’tgiftedbasedonthefactthatshecamefromaparentwhoconsistentlyreceivedreportcardsthatread,“Doesnotliveuptoacademicpotential,”which,

reportcardsthatread,“Doesnotliveuptoacademicpotential,”which,translated,means,“Wouldratherflirtwithcuteboysandtalkaboutwho’shavingapartyonFridaynightwhilecomingupwithnewwaystoteaseherbangsevenhigher.”

(Thatwouldbeme,bytheway.Perrydidn’tflirtwithboys,norcouldheteasehisbangsveryhigh.Rumorhasitthathedidhaveasweetmullet,though.)

Butatthesametime,Ididn’treallycareonewayortheotherwhethershewasgiftedornot.Ijustdidn’twanthertoendupintherapysomeday,saying,“ItallstartedthedaymymamadecidedIwasn’tgiftedwhenIwasinkindergarten.”

IquicklyrealizedtherewereparentsintheroomwhoweretakingthewholethingalotmoreseriouslythanIwas.ThisbecameclearwhenIwhisperedtoamomsittingnexttome,“Well,ifshe’snotgifted,itmightjustmeanshe’llbethepromqueeninstead.”IpromptlyreceivedwhatIfeelcertainwasadirtylook.

Ofcourse,inretrospect,maybethiswomanhadbeenthepromqueenherself.Andsoit’ssafetosaythatwhetherornotCarolineisgifted,weknowforsurethatI’mnotgiftedwhenitcomestosocialsituations.

Ultimately,Carolinedidn’tmakeitintothegiftedprogramthatyear,butoneofherbestfriendsdid.NotthatCarolinecaredaboutthatatall.ItjustfedmyinsecuritiesthatmaybeweshouldhavedonemoreflashcardsinsteadofwatchingsomanyepisodesofTheBackyardigansbecauseTyronethemoosewassomuchmorefunthanlearningphonics.ButtherewasnowayIcouldn’tfeelalittleconcernedthatCaroline’sbestfriendwouldbereadingaloudfromHomer’sOdysseyonthewaytoschooleverymorningwhileCarolinesoundedlikeLloydfromDumbandDumberasshesoundedout“t-t-t-h-uh”asshetriedtoreadthewordthe.

Iwishsomeonehadtoldmethenthatchildrenalllearnattheirownpaceandthatreadingisadevelopmentalskill,justlikeeverythingelse.Maybesomeonedidtellmethat,butIwastooneurotictopayattention.I’mproudtosaythattodayCarolineisnowanexcellentreader.Andasitturnedout,thegiftedprograminkindergartenwasathree-monthsupplementaryprogramwherethekidslearnedaboutEgypt.Likeyouhavetobegiftedtodothat?Here’sapyramid;here’sKingTut;therewasawomannamedCleopatra.Theend.

ClearlyI’mnotoneofthosedragonmothersthatyoureadaboutthesedays.

Chapter19

TheBig,BadWorldofElementarySchool

Afterasuccessfulyearofkindergartenwehadtoprepare(okay,mainlyIhadtoprepare)foranotherbigchange.Inourschooldistrictthekindergartenisitsownlittlecampus,andthenthestudentsmovetoabiggerschoolforfirstgradethroughfifthgrade.OnceagainIhadtoletgoofsomethingthatfeltsafeandsecure.ThisseemedtobeathemeGodkeptemphasizinginmylife.Comfortzone?Okay,let’skeepmovingforward.

Butthetransitiontofirstgradewaspracticallyseamless,withtheexceptionofthefirstweek,whenIsingle-handedlycreatedacar-pooltrafficjamofepicproportionsinmyignoranceaboutwhichlanewasthepick-uplane.Man,policeofficerscanbesotouchy.

SoIdecidedI’djustwalkinandpickCarolineupeveryafternooninsteadofnavigatingthetrickywatersofthecarpool.(SeewhatIdidthere?Carpool?Waters?Nowtellmewho’sgifted.)

Caroline’sfirstgradeteacherwasyoungandenthusiastic.Shetaughtthestudentstheirwordsandsoundsusingsongsandrewardedthemforgoodbehaviorbyallowingthemtomakebasketballshotsintheclassroominalittleplastichooponthebackofthedoor.OnedayCarolinecamehomesoexcitedshecouldbarelyspeakasshetoldusherteacherhadletthekidspushherdowntheschoolrampsinherrollingdeskchair.Nowthat’saneducationalexperience.

Carolinequicklymadenewfriends,andthereforeImadenewfriends,anditwasaboutasperfectaselementaryschoolcanbe.Yes,thehomeworktooksomegettingusedto,andwehadafewprojectsthatbroughtoutmyinnercrazy,suchascreatingamodelofChristopherColumbus’sship,buttheFiestafloatexperiencehadgivenmepracticeforjustsuchanoccasion,andI’mhappytosayCarolineandIdidthewholethingwithoutincident.

ThatwasalsotheyearCarolinereallylearnedtoread,anditbroughtmesomuchjoytoseeherpickupabook.Eventhoughthatdidn’thappenveryoftenbecause,asshetoldme,“WhywouldIwanttositaroundandreadabookwhenIcouldbeoutdoingthatstuffinstead?”Yes,thisisachildwhocomesfromadadwhobelievesthereisnofinerreadingthanthelatestCabela’scatalog.Andeventhatgrandtomeisreadonlyinthebathroom.

Classy.

Classy.

Thenitwastimeforsecondgrade.Andeverythingchanged.Whenwegottheletteraboutourteachertheweekbeforeschoolbegan,IwasdisappointedtoseethatCarolinehadgottentheteachereveryonewarnedmeabout.ButItriedtobepositiveandconvincemyselfthatourexperiencewouldbedifferent.HowcouldanyteachernotlikeCaroline?

WhenIwalkedhertoherclassroomthefirstdayofsecondgrade,Ihadapitinmystomachthatwasn’thelpedatallbythestiffgreetingwereceivedwhenwemettheteacher.Icouldtellimmediatelythiswasn’tgoingtobethewarm,fuzzyexperiencewe’dhadforthepasttwoyears.AndIcouldtelltheteacherdidn’tthinkIwasfunnyorcharmingatall.

Itwasahardyear.TheteacherseemedtolikeCarolinewellenough,butherteachingstylewasstrictandno-nonsense,andthiswasn’thelpedbythefactthatshehadaclassfullofbehaviorproblems.IwatchedasCarolinewentfromahappy-go-luckykidwhowasexcitedtogotoschooleverymorningtoalittlegirlwhobithernailsandscratchedherheadinnervousnessandwantedtostayhomeinthemornings.Itbrokemyheart.

AndsoIprayed.Iprayedforwisdomandguidanceanddiscernment.ShouldIhomeschool?Shouldwemovehertoprivateschool?WasIsupposedtogogetbelligerentwiththeschoolstaffanddemandthatmychildbeswitchedtoanotherclassroom?BecausethosewerethethingsIwantedtodo.

ButIfeltGodclearlytellingmethatIneededonlytobestillandtrusthim.Sothat’swhatIdid.PerryandIdidourbesttoencourageCarolineandletherknowshewasinthatclassforareason.Herjobwastoletherlightshinebrightlyandtoknowthatwewerealwaysonherside.Butitwasn’teasy.

Irealizethatschoolisn’talwaysgoingtobefun,butsecondgradeseemsawfullyearlytohavetolearnthatlifelesson.Yetitwasthereality.WhichwaswhyIwassosurprisedwhenCarolinegotinthecaroneFridayafternoonfullofexcitementandtoldmethatherteachersaidshehada“hugesurprise”fortheclassonMonday.Thisseemedcompletelyoutofcharacterbut,sureenough,Igothomeanddiscoveredtheteacherhadsentoutane-mailtotheparentsinformingusthekidsweregettinga“hugesurprise”onMonday.

AllweekendlongCarolinespeculatedaboutwhatthehugesurprisecouldpossiblybe.Anicecreamparty?Maybeadanceparty,completewithadisco

possiblybe.Anicecreamparty?Maybeadanceparty,completewithadiscoball?Apetguineapigfortheclass?

OnMondaymorningCarolinejumpedoutofbed,besideherselfattheprospectthattheunveilingofthehugesurprisewasimminent.IdroppedheroffandtoldherIcouldn’twaittohearallaboutitwhenIpickedherupthatafternoon.

Assoonasshehoppedinthecarattheendoftheday,Iasked,“Whatwasit?Whatwasthehugesurprise?”Shelookedatmewithanexpressionofpureandtotaldisgustonherfaceassheannouncedinamonotonevoice,“TimDuncan’sshoe.”

“Whatdidyousay?”Iasked,thinkingIhadsurelyheardwrongormissedapieceofthestory.

“IsaiditwasTimDuncan’sshoe,”sherepeatedwithabsolutelynoenthusiasm.

“Hisshoe?”“Yes.TimDuncan’sshoe.”Forthoseofyouwhomaynotknow,TimDuncanisabasketballplayerfor

theSanAntonioSpurs.Likemostbasketballplayers,heistall,andI’destimatethathisshoesizeisprobablyarounda14.Caroline’steacherhadwrittentoTimDuncanandrequestedthathesendheranautographedshoe.ApparentlyshethoughtthekidsintheclassmightbemotivatedtohavegoodbehavioriftheyhadthepromiseofgettingtokeepTimDuncan’sshoeontheirdeskasareward.Sotechnically,yes,thatisa“hugesurprise.”ButIwilltellyouthatCarolineandIlearnedanimportantlessonthatday:thereisabigdifferencebetweenahugesurpriseandafunsurprise.

Thebiggestquestioninmymindwashowanyonecouldthinkanenormousshoewouldinspireabunchofseven-year-oldswhohadspenttheweekenddreamingofeatingicecreamanddancingunderadiscoball.Don’teverpromisekidsahugesurprisethatdoesn’tinvolvetheopportunityfortotalchaos.Itdoesn’ttranslate.

PerryandIimmediatelyadoptedthephrase“TimDuncan’sshoe”ascodeforanythingwedeemedboringandlame.Ithasprovedtobeterriblyuseful.Invitedtoaboringcharitydinner?TimDuncan’sshoe.SittingthroughaPTOmeeting?TimDuncan’sshoe.Listeningtoourneighborrantaboutpolitics?TimDuncan’sshoe.

SoIguessthebottomlineisthatwhileelementaryschoolhasn’talwaysprovedtobefunandhaspresenteditsshareofchallenges,Ican’tsayweallaren’tlearningafewpiecesofvaluableinformation.

Schoolisthebeginningoftherealworld,theendoftheprotectivebubble.It’satimetolearnthatnoteveryoneusestheirnicewords,atimetolearnthat

It’satimetolearnthatnoteveryoneusestheirnicewords,atimetolearnthatyou’llrunoutofjacketsifyoukeepleavingthemontheplayground,atimetolearnthattherearesometimesbattlesyouhavetofight.Therearehighsandlowsandstrugglesandtriumphs.

AndtherearedaysthatsometimesfeellikeTimDuncan’sshoe.

Chapter20

It’saParty&I’llCryIfIWantTo

Ineverhadapiñataatanyofmybirthdayparties.OfcourseIrealizenowthatisprobablygroundsforsomekindoftherapy,butIwasachildofthe’70s,andwedidn’tknowaboutsuchthings.Abirthdaypartywasasmallaffairwithahomemadecake,icecream,andifyouwerereallylucky,someballoons.Therewerenopiñatasinthosedays.Notreatbagstosaythanksforcoming.Ifyouhadaskedforapartyfavorbackthen,youmighthavebeenmetwith,“Youknowwhatyoucantakewithyou,kid?Thememoryofsomegoodcake.”

DidImentionwealsohadtowalkuphillBOTHWAYSinthesnowtoattendmostoftheseparties?

OrmaybeeveryoneelsewashavinggreatpartiesandIjustneverknewaboutitbecauseIwasn’tinvited.Ifthat’sthecase,pleasedon’ttellmebecauseIvisittheedgeenoughasitis.Icertainlydon’tneedtoknowtherewereextravaganzashappeningallaroundmecompletewithfancybakerycakes.

MybirthdayisinAugust.AlsoknownastheTimDuncan’sshoeofbirthdaymonthsbecauseit’ssummer,it’shot,andallyourfriendsareprobablyonvacation.SothemajorityofmybirthdayswerespenteitheratthepooloratSixFlagswithwhateverfriendshadthemisfortuneofbeingbornintoafamilythatdidn’ttakevacations.

AndthatwastotallyfineuntilSeptember,whenthefirstkidinmyclasswouldhaveabirthdayandhismomwouldwalkinwithcupcakesandI’dberemindedofthefactthatI’dbeenbornintheworstmonth.

Giventhischildhoodtrauma,IwasalittledisappointedwhenIrealizedmyduedatewithCarolinefellsmackdabinthemiddleofAugust.Ihadinadvertentlypassedthebadbirthdaygenetomyoffspring,whowouldsufferhermother’sfateofhavingpartyoptionsthatconsistedof(1)havingapoolparty,(2)havingapoolparty,or(3)invitingpeopleovertositonablockofice.

WhatIdidn’trealizethenwasthatthetimeofyearwouldbetheleastofmyworries.Iwasn’tpreparedforthiswholenewworldofbirthdaypartycompetition.

ThefirsttimeIrememberhavingfull-onbirthdaypartyenvywasinseventhgrade.JamieHornbeckhadadancepartyinhergarage,completewithaDJ.

TherewasatablesetupwithabowlofcheesepuffsandsomeDrPepper.Andadiscoball.Bestill,myheart.TothisdayitmightbethebestpartyI’veeverattended.ThatgarageturnedintoaplaceofpureawesomenessunderthedimlightsandwiththesweetsoundsofJourneysinging“Faithfully”whileweallslow-dancedawkwardlyinourJordachejeansandjellyshoes.

Buttimesaredifferentnow.Birthdaypartieshavebecomeanewcompetitivesport.Ican’trememberexactlywhenIfirstbecameawareofthis,butIthinkitwassomewherearoundthetimeGulleytookJacksontoaone-year-old’sbirthdaypartyandcalledmeonthewayhometoinformmeitwasnicerthanherweddingreception.Andherweddingreceptionwasverynice.

Shesaid,“Theyhadevenplantednewflowersinthefrontbedstomatchthedecor.TherewereLINENtablecloths.Thereweresilverchafingdishesandmargaritamachines.”

IwasstunnedintotemporarysilenceuntilImanagedtoutter,“Really?”“YES,”shereplied.“Iwantedtolivethereforever.”Youwouldthinkthatasanepersonplanningabirthdaypartymightthink

linentableclothsandsilverchafingdishesarealittlemuchtohonorabirthdayboywhomighttakeanapduringtheentirepartyanddroolonhimself.OfcourseIknowsomepeoplewhomayhavespenttheirtwenty-firstbirthdaysinasimilarfashion,butthat’snotthepoint.

Anyway,ImadeapointaboutthewholethingjustseeminglikearidiculouswasteoftimeandmoneysinceIliketoclimbontheoccasionalsoapboxconcerningtopicsIthinkwon’teverapplytome.AndsoImadesurethatCaroline’sfirstseveralbirthdaypartiesweremodestaffairs.Yes,wehadbakerycakes,butthathadmoretodowithmylimitedbakingabilitiesthananeedtoimpress.Forthemostpart,though,theseweresmallgatheringsathomewithahandfuloffamilyandsomelittletoddlerfriends.Theremayhavebeensomebubblesorsidewalkchalkasapartinggift.

ButthencameCaroline’ssixthbirthday.Otherwiseknownasmyownpersonalcautionarytaleaboutexcessand

overdoingthings.

ThatyearCarolineannouncedthatshewantedtohavefourfriendsspendthenight.AndIwelledupwithmemoriesofslumberpartiesandgigglinggirlfriendsandsleepingwithoursleepingbagsallbunchedtogetheraswewhisperedwell

andsleepingwithoursleepingbagsallbunchedtogetheraswewhisperedwellintothenight.

Mybaby’sfirstslumberparty.Itwaslikeafull-circlemoment.Iagreedtotheslumberparty,andthenshesuggesteditmightbefuntoalso

haveabigpoolpartythatsamedaysoshecouldcelebratewithallherfriendsbeforethesmallergatheringintheevening.Maybeitwastheguiltoverpassingdownthelamebirthdaymonthtomydaughter,ormaybeitwastheheat,ormaybeshejustcaughtmeinareallygoodmood.Whateverthereason,somethingfalseinmewhispered,“Howhardcouldthatbe?It’sjustapoolparty!”AndIagreedtoit.

Donoteverletyourselfbesuckeredintosuchathing.BecauseIessentiallyagreedtoplanandperformtwobirthdaypartiesinone

day.ThepoolpartybecameanexerciseinstressasIsearchedforcuteinvitationstomailouttoherfriends,acakethatwouldservethirtykids,coordinatingplatesandstreamerstodecoratethecabanaatthepool,andagiantunicornpiñata.

Oh,that’sright.Notjustanypiñata.Agiantunicorn.Fortunately,Gulley’shusband,Jon,worksonthesouthsideofSanAntonio,

wheretheysellpiñatasonthesideoftheroadonadailybasis.Icommissionedhimtobuymethelargestunicornpiñatahecouldfind.Andifhecouldn’tfindaunicorn,thenahorsewoulddo.Icouldalwaysmakeahornwithmylegendarypiñata-makingskills.

Ormyabilitytogetcreativewithanemptypapertowelrollandsometissuepaper.

Whatever.IknewJonhadtakenmeseriouslywhenhecalledtoletmeknowhe’dfound

awhiteunicornandwasjusttryingtofigureouthowtofititinhiscar.HedrivesanSUV.

Throughsheerwillandpossiblybendingoneofthepapier-mâchéunicornlegs,hewasabletodelivertheunicorntomyhouse.PerryandIpromptlychristeneditUnicornGigantewhileCarolinefellheadoverheelsinlovewithitandspentthetwodayspriortothepartysittingonitlikeitwasabrand-newpetpony.Honestly,Iwasn’tsureifshewasgoingtobeabletodemolishhimwithastickwhenthebigdaycame.

ButIunderestimatedher.WhenIquestionedwhethershewasreadytofilltheunicornwithcandy,shelookedatmeandsaid,“HeisGOINGDOWN.”AndsoIdissectedhimfromthetoptofillhimfullofcandy,figuringwecouldalwaystakeoutasecondmortgage.WestuffedhimfullofNerdsandDumDumsuckersandtapedhimbackup.

WhenItriedtomovehimtothebackdoor,Irealizedhenowweighed

WhenItriedtomovehimtothebackdoor,Irealizedhenowweighedapproximatelyseventy-eightpounds.Iliftedasilentprayertoheaventhattheropewouldholdhim,becausenothingruinsapartymoodfasterthanagiganticunicornhurtlingtotheearthandfrighteningsmallchildren.

Perrycamehometohelpmegeteverythingreadyfortheparty,andIinformedhimthatGigantewasprettysolid.Infact,Iwasworriedthepartyguestsmightnotbeabletobreakhimopendespiterepeatedbeatings.SoPerrytookabutcherknifeandstabbedGiganteafewtimesinthechestjusttoweakenhimalittlebit.

ItwasjustlikethatsceneinGladiatorwhenJoaquinPhoenixstabsRussellCrowewiththatknifebeforetheygooutintotheColosseumtoensurethathewinsthefight.

Exceptweweregoingtoapartyforoursix-year-oldatthepool.Anditwasn’treallythatdramatic.TheRomanEmpirewasn’tatstakeoranything.Bythetimewearrivedatthepooltosetuptheparty,Iwasalready

exhausted.AndwaypastwonderingwhyIeverthoughtitwasagoodideatohostthislargepartyandthenasleepover.

ThepartygoersallarrivedandatebowlsofGoldfishcrackers,dranktheirweightinlemonade,andswamuntilitwastimeforcake.Sadly,Ispentmuchofthistimetreadingwaterinthedeependwithonlyapoolnoodletosupportmebecausesomeofthepartyguestswerequestionableswimmersandyettheirownmothersdidn’tfeeltheneedtowearabathingsuittothepool.NotthatIwasbitteraboutit.I’malwayssuperhappytohaveyourkidjumponmyheadrepeatedly.Goodtimes.

FinallyitwastimetoeatthemermaidbirthdaycakeandtobeattheheckoutofGigante.Andheheldupamazinglywell.Infact,whenallwassaidanddone,onlyhislegbroke,allowingthecandytospilloutwithsomehelpfromPerry,whowasshakinghimvigorouslytospeeduptheprocess.

Andthenitwasallover.Butnotreally,becauseIstillhadtoentertainfivelittlegirlsfortherestofthenight.LittlegirlswhofinishedallthecraftsI’dboughttoentertaintheminsideofthirtyminutesandquicklydemandedthatIgivethemallpedicures.

WhichIwashappytodountiltheyrealizedtheylikedeachother’scolorselectionsbetterthantheirownandaskedmetoredothem.AtthispointI’dbeenpartyingforclosetotwelvehours.Icouldn’tdothatincollegeandcertainlynotwhenI’mstaringdownmylatethirties.Itwastimetocallitanight.

IhelpedthegirlssettleintotheirsleepingbagsandputinamovieinthehopethatitwouldcalmthemdownandletthemdriftofftosleepsoIcould

hopethatitwouldcalmthemdownandletthemdriftofftosleepsoIcouldstaggerofftomyownbedandcollapse.

ButIquicklyrealizedwhyallmyfriends’mothersweresogrumpywhenweweregrowingup.Itwastheslumberparties.Wedrovethemtoit.MostdaysMrs.Jonesprobablydidn’twalkaroundwithascowlonherfacewhilegrowling,“GOTOSLEEP.RIGHT.NOW.”Shewasmostlikelyaperfectlywonderfulwomanwithasweetdisposition.Itwasallourgigglingandourrefusaltouseinsidevoicesthatturnedhermean.

Becausesomewherearound1:00a.m.IbegantochannelMissHanniganfromAnnie.Iwasnolongerkindandfriendly.Icameoutinmyrobe,myhairdisheveled,makingthreatslike,“IFYOUDON’TGOTOBEDRIGHTNOW,I’MTAKINGYOUALLHOME.”IwassecondsawayfromtellingthegirlsIwasgoingtomakethemmopmykitchenflooruntilitshonelikethetopoftheChryslerbuildingwhenthey,mercifully,passedoutfromsheerexhaustion.

AndthenIdidthesame.VowingtomyselfthatIwouldnever,everbethisstupidagain.

Atleastuntilthenextyear.

Chapter21

OneIsn’tAlwaystheLoneliestNumber

I’lltellyousomethingnotmanypeopleknowaboutme.I’mprettysureIinventedFacebook.Oh,sure,youmaybethinkingyoudon’trememberseeingmynameinthe

movieSocialNetworkorhearingmementionedinmediareportsaboutMarkZuckerberg.Andyou’reright.I’venevergottensomuchasamention.YetIknowforafactthatIcameupwiththebasicpremiseforsocialmediaasawholebackin1999,whenIwaspreparingtoattendmyten-yearhighschoolreunion.

AsItriedonvariousoutfitslookingforjusttherightthingtomakemelookbothimpossiblythinandlikeIwasn’ttryingtoohard,IcommentedtoGulleythatIdidn’treallycareanythingaboutmakingsmalltalkwithabunchofpeopleIlargelyhadn’tseenintenyears,butIwishedtherewasawaytojustseearecentpictureofthemwithafewparagraphsaboutwhotheymarried,whattheydoforaliving,iftheyhavekids,andiftheyendedupservinganytime.

(Ifyouwereinmygraduatingclassandarereadingthisbook,I’mnotreferringtoyou.Ilovedcatchingupwithyouandmakingsmalltalkatourten-yearreunion.I’mjusttalkingaboutotherpeople.Peoplewhodon’tfeeltheneedtobuyabookwrittenbyoneoftheirhighschoolclassmates.)

ButIdon’tletmybitternessovernotreceivinganybillionsoreventensofdollarsfrommyinventionkeepmefromgettingonFacebookandlookingaroundonaregular(maybehourly)basis,becauseIamnosyandIlovetoseewhatpeoplehavedonewiththeirlives.EspeciallythepeopleIgrewupwith,sinceweallchangeandgrow,andlifehasawayofturningoutsomuchdifferentfromwhatweimaginedwhenweweresixteenandthoughtwemightbethenextJanePauley,untilwewalkedintoourfirstcommunicationsclassincollegeandhadacynical,bitterprofessortellusthatwehadabetterchanceofbecomingpresidentoftheUnitedStatesthanendinguponnetworknews.

Nice.Dreamkiller.WaytoshapethemindsandheartsoftheyouthofAmerica.Anyway,theonlyproblemwithsocialmediaisthatnowweknowsomuch

aboutpeoplewehaven’tseeninasweetforever.Andthenifweactuallyseetheminperson(likeatareunion),thereisn’tmuchgroundleftforsmalltalk.We

alreadyknowwheretheylive,whotheymarried,andiftheyliketopostpicturesofthemselvesinswimsuitstoshowofftheresultsoftheirlow-carbdiet.Andsowhatdoyoutalkabout?Realstuff?ThefactthatyoudriveaDodgeStratusandthemostexcitingthingthathappenedtoyouinrecentmonthswasagoodreportfromthedentist?Doubtful.

Ifyou’reme,thenyoujustsmileandfeelawkwardforafewminutesbeforeclaimingthatyouneedtogorefreshyourdrinkorgetanotherplateofsausageballs.But,thenagain,mysocialskillsarelegendary.

SoIguessit’spartlybecauseofsocialmediathatIassumemostofmyoldfriendsalreadyknowCarolineisanonlychildandwhyI’mtakenabackwhenanacquaintancegivesmeaquestioninglookofpity/disapprovalwhenItellthemIhaveonechild.

AfewmonthsagoIwasatatailgatepartyandGulleyintroducedmetooneofherhusband’scollegefriends.Wemadesmalltalk(myfavorite!),andheeventuallyaskedmewhatIdidforaliving.IneveradmitI’mawriterbecauseitfeelsweirdandkindofpretentiousandmakesmesoundsmarterthanIreallyam.

(Nottomentionpeopleautomaticallyassumeyouspendalldayinyourpajamas.)

(Rightfullyso.)Imumbledsomethingaboutbeing“justamom.”That’swhenGulleypipedin.“She’sawriter.She’swritingherfirstbook.”NaturallyIglaredatherforexposingmysecretwhileheasked,“What’s

yourbookabout?”Iresponded,“Motherhood.”Andthat’swhenhehitmewith,“Well,youneedtohavemorethanonekid

towriteabookaboutmotherhood.”IreallyhopethebruisefromwhereIkickedhimhealedokay.BecausemaybeI’mdefensiveaboutthewholething.(Yes.Alittle.)(Oralot,dependingontheday.)Butwhodecidedyouhavetohavemorethanonechildtomakeyouareal

mother?Idon’tknowmanywomenwhodidn’thavetheirwholeworldturnupsidedownlikeasnowglobethatsprinkleslove,compassion,andferocitybeyondtheirwildestdreamsthemomenttheirfirstbabywasplacedintheirarms.SomaybeI’mbiased,butIbelievethat’swhenamamaismade.AndI’msureiftherearetwoorthreeorsixmorewhocomeafterthat,thenthefeelingisthesameeachtime.Evenifyou’retootiredtofullyappreciateit.

Maybemydaysaren’tfilledwithcoordinatingschedulesandsportsandhomeworkformorethanonelittleperson,butmyheartisfullwithmyone

homeworkformorethanonelittleperson,butmyheartisfullwithmyonechild.Andtobehonest,Istruggledwithourdecisiontohaveonechildforalongtime.Thismaybepartlyduetothefactmymother-in-lawpredictedwe’donlyhaveone,andIdesperatelywantedtoproveherwrong.Wow.Thatsoundsevenpettiertypedoutthanitdoesinmyhead,butit’sthetruth,soI’mleavingitthereforalltheworldtosee.

I’massumingPerryandIcouldhavehadanotherchildifwe’dtriedagain,andIwanttobetransparentaboutthatsincesomanywomenstrugglewithinfertilityevenafterbeingabletohaveachild.Thiswasanintentionaldecisionwemadebasedonalotofprayerandsecond-guessingandmygettingoverapreconceivednotionthata“realfamily”needstohaveatleasttwokids.Preferablyaboyandagirl.Asetofkids.Likesaltandpeppershakers.

TherewasatimeafterCarolinestartedkindergartenwhenIreallythoughtImightwanttotrytohaveanotherbaby.PerryandItalkedaboutit,andhemadeitclearhewashappywithourfamilythewayitwas,butweagreedwe’dprayaboutitandseewhathappened.IwasconvincedGodwouldchangePerry’sheartonthematter,andIbegantoenvisionhowI’ddecorateanewnursery.

Butasitturnedout,myheartwastheonethatbegantochange.AndIdidn’tgodowneasily.IcriedoverthesurrenderofthefamilyI’dalwaysenvisionedinmyheadandhadtocometoaplacewhereIrealizedGodhadotherplansforus.Truthfully,partofmefeltlikeafailureandwonderedwhyIwasn’toneofthosewomenwhocouldraisesixkidsandhomeschoolallofthemandservemilkandcookieseveryafternooninsomecleverwaylikeallthemomsonPinterestdo.

Ihadtocometotermswiththefactthat,whileIhaveotherstrengths,beingamomtoabunchofkidsmaynotbemygiftconsideringIdon’treallyhandlechaosormesseswellandhavebeenknowntohideintheclosettoletmyinnerintroverttakedeep,cleansingbreaths.IhadtofacewhoIreallyamandwhatI’mequippedtodoversusthepersonIsometimesliketofantasizeIam.It’sliketheinternalstruggleIhavebetweenwantingtogiveawayallmymoneytofeedhungrychildrenandwantingtobuyaLouisVuittonbag.I’dliketobelieveI’mnotshallowenoughtocareaboutthingslikefinehandbags,butthetruthisIkindofdo.AndlikeGulleysays,atleastwhenyou’rewadingintheshallowendoflife,youdon’thavetoworryaboutgettingyourexpensivepursewet.

ButIcametoapointofcontentmentandpeaceaboutCarolinebeingour

ButIcametoapointofcontentmentandpeaceaboutCarolinebeingouronlychildandrealizedwewerealreadyatightlyknitlittlebandofthree.Wewerecomplete.

Andthat’snottosaythattherestillaren’tdaysthatIlongtoholdanotherbabyinmyarms.Infact,therearesomedaysIstillwonderifGodmighthavesomethingorsomeoneelseforus,evenasIhearmybiologicalclocktickingloudly.

(Loudly.)(Attimesitseemstoscream,“You’reforty,sister.”)(Thetrainisabouttoleavethestation.)ButIthinkthat’spartofbeingamother.Onceyou’veheldachildwho

belongstoyouinyourarmsandkissedlittlechubbylegsandlaughedatthosebraceletsoffatandhadalittlepersonholdyourfaceinherhandsandsay,“Iloveyou,Mama,”doyoueverreallygetoverthefeelingthatyou’dliketodoitonemoretime?Imean,sure,Icangetmyselfsomekindoffluffylittledogtodressupandcarryaroundinapurseinstead,butit’snotreallythesame.

SoIguesswhatI’msayingisIdon’tknowthatI’lleverbeabletoputadefinitepunctuationonthesentencethatisourfamily,butrightnowitfeelslikeaperiod.Nopunintended.

IrestinknowingthatGodcouldn’thavechosenachildwhobetterfitsourfamily.HowmanygirlsthinktheperfectChristmasisgettingherveryownpistolandholsterandapairofglitterygoldTOMS?She’stheperfectblendofthetwoofus.ToquotethegreatDonnyandMarieOsmond,she’s“alittlebitcountry”and“alittlebitrockandroll.”

AndsomaybethenexttimeIupdatemystatusonFacebook,I’llwrite,“Yes,weonlyhaveonechild.Butwethinkwegotthebestone.”ThenpeoplewillprobablyunfriendmebecauseI’mobnoxious,andtheywon’tevencarethatI’mtheonewhoinventedthewholethinginthefirstplace.

Chapter22

BrothersfromAnotherMother

Oneofthe(stupid)questionspeopleaskabouthavinganonlychildisifI’mworriedshe’llbespoiled.Becausenoonehaseverknownafamilywiththreekidswhoarealltotallyrotten.Andmyanswerisno.Sure,wemaybeabletogiveCarolinealittlebitmorethanwecouldifshehadsiblings,butwearen’tallowinghertogrowupwithasenseofentitlement.

IwillnotstandforaVerucaSaltinmyhouse.Iamnotafraidtosayno—loudlyandoften.AndItendtosayitloudestthesedayswhenwewalkbyJustice,becausethatisanarrayofsometackymerchandiseperfectlydesignedtoenticelittlegirlswithallthesparklesandthehot-pinkanimalprints.

Godhasgivenmyfamilyoneofthegreatestgiftsanypersoncanhave,whetherwecomefromafamilyofthreeortwenty—friendswhohavebecomefamily.Gulley’sboysgiveCarolineallthebenefitsandangstthatsiblingsprovideforeachother,becausenochildshouldhavetogrowupnotknowingwhatitistofightforherspaceinthebackseatofthecar.

JacksonandWillaretheclosestthingstobrothersshecouldhavewithoutmyactuallygivingbirthtotwoboys.Andbestofall,PerryandIdon’thavetoworryabouthowwe’llkeeptwolargeboysfedduringtheirteenyearsorhowwe’llpayfortheircollege.Totalscore.

SometimesthebestfamiliesaretheonesGodbuildsusingunexpectedpiecesofourhearts.OrlikeIreadonetime,“FriendsareGod’swayofapologizingforyourrelatives.”

Whenwemetmorethantwentyyearsago,Icouldn’thaveimaginedthatsomedayGulleyandIwouldliveamileawayfromeachother,thatwe’dtakeroadtripswithourkids,andthattheywouldloveeachotherasmuchasweloveeachother.Buttheydo.Tothisday,whenweaskthemwhotheywanttoplaywith,theyalwaysrequesteachotherbeforeanyoneelse.

with,theyalwaysrequesteachotherbeforeanyoneelse.Gulley’solderson,Jackson,waseighteenmonthsoldwhenCarolinewas

born.AndIinsistedthatGulleybringhimovertomeetherbythetimeshewasaweekold.GulleywalkedinthedoorcarryingJackson,who’dbeenourbabyupuntilthattime,andallofasuddenhelookedenormous.Whendidhishandsgetsobig?Wasthatfacialhair?Whathappenedtothered-hairedbaby?

He’dbeenreplacedbyanewbaby.Hewasthebigkidnow.IhavethesweetestpictureofGulleyholdinghimwhilehepeekedovertheedgeofCaroline’scribandsawherforthefirsttime.Iliketothinkitwasloveatfirstsighteventhoughitwasprobablyatleastayearbeforehereallyappreciatedher.It’shardtobeenthusiasticaboutsomethingthatjustpoopsandcries—atleastwhenyou’reatoddler.Orathirty-two-year-old.

JacksonandCarolinewerealreadybestbuddiesbythetimeWillcamealong,thankstothecountlesshoursthey’dspenttogetherinGulley’sbackyardwhiletheirmamasdiscussedeverythingfromsleeplessnightstopottytrainingtoourthoughtsonwedgeheels.

ButJacksonandCarolineembracedWill.Hebecame“Brother,”andtheybabiedhimendlessly.FinallyCarolinehadsomeoneshecouldbossaround,eventhoughWillisn’treallyafellowwholikestobetoldwhathecanandcannotdo.Heoncetoldmewhenhewasjusttwoyearsoldthathewas“gonnabustsomebody’stail”iftheoutdoorplaygroundatMcDonald’swasn’topenthatday.

Whentheyallwerelittle,CarolineandIwouldgoovertoGulley’shousealmosteveryafternoon,andthethreeofthemwouldpileintoJackson’sbattery-operatedredJeepandtaketurnsplayingchauffeur.WewatchedovertheyearsastheywerenolongerentertainedbyjustdrivingeachotheraroundandinsteadstartedseeingwhocouldholdontothehoodoftheJeepthelongestwhilethedriverspedthroughtheyardatfullspeedandGulleyandIyelledoutthreatsandadmonitionsaboutthepotentialforatriptotheemergencyroom.

GulleyandIhaveatermweusetodescribedocile,gentlechildren.Wecallthem“cuppourers.”Thenameisderivedfromthelittlekidswhositontheedgeofthebabypoolinthesummertimeandareperfectlycontenttojustfilltheirlittlenestingcupswithwaterandthendumpthemoutandthenfilltheircupsanddumpthemoutwhiletheirmamasgettoengageinenjoyableadultconversationandneverhavetomaketherunofshamearoundthepoolintheirbathingsuitstochaseatoddlerwhohasdecidedtobreakfreefromthebondsofthebabypoolinsearchofdeeperwaters.

ItrieddesperatelytomakeCarolineacuppourer.IevenboughtherthisfabulousplasticCinderellateasettotaketothepoolinthehopeitwouldenticehertositforhoursand“maketea”inthebabypool.(Asopposedtomaking“tee,”whichisanotherfavoritepastimeofthetoddlercrowd.)Butdespiteallour

“tee,”whichisanotherfavoritepastimeofthetoddlercrowd.)Butdespiteallourbestefforts,GulleyandIdidnotgivebirthtocuppourers.Wehavethreekidswhoareconstantlyonthelookoutfortheparty,anyparty.Aslongasthereisfuntobehadorthepotentialtogiveyourmotheraheartattack,they’rein.

Andsoourconstantrefrainsovertheyearsare“You’regoingtoendupinthehospital!”and“Whydidyoukickhim?”and“Didn’tweJUSTSAYthatyoucouldn’tplayinthemud?”Followedcloselyby“Y’allneedtoworkitout.WeallLOVEeachother.”

BecausewhileJacksontendstobethepeacemakerofthegang,WillandCarolinearelikefireandice.We’vealwaysmaintainedthatwewillneverallowthemtodatebecausenoneofuscouldsurvivethedrama.Theyareeithertotallyinlovewitheachotherorthreateningeachotherwithcriesof“I’mgoingtolockyouinthisroomifyoutrytotellonme.”OfcoursePerryoncemadethecommentthatitsoundslikeatypicalmarriagetohim.He’shilarious.

JustafewweeksagowewereallattheLittleLeaguefieldswatchingJacksonplaybaseball.Actually,GulleyandIwerewatchinghimplaybaseball.CarolineandWillwereengagingintheirfavoriteballparkactivity,whichisseeinghowmuchmoneytheycanspendattheconcessionstand.Allofasuddenthetwoofthemcamerunninguptous,anditwaseasytotelltherewassomesortofargumentgoingon.

ApparentlyCarolinehadboughtsomeblueSourPunchStrawsandthenrealizedshehadtogotothebathroom.SosheaskedWilltoholdthemwhilesheranintherestroom,andbythetimeshecameout,hehad“lost”them.WhichIthinkweallknowiscodefor“Ishovedthemallinmymouthanddidn’tthinkabouttheramifications.”

CarolinetoldmehersideofthestorywhileWilltoldGulleyhisside.AndIthinkGulleyandIbothknewexactlywhathappened,butwepleadedthecaseofeachother’schildtoourown.Isaid,“Hemighthavelostthem.Maybehesetthemdownsomewhereandsomeonepickedthemup.Whydon’tyoujustgobuysomemore?”

Meanwhile,IheardGulleyquestioning,“DidyoueatherblueSourPunchStraws?Didyou?Behonest.”

Andhelookedherstraightintheeyeandsaid,“Pleasebelieveme,Mom.Ididn’teatthem.IDIDN’T.”

Sowetoldthemtheyneededtoletitgoandgetalong.CarolineranofftobuyanotherroundofSourPunchStraws,andWilltaggedalongbehindher.Gulleyturnedtomeandsaid,“I’malmostpositivemychildjustliedtomyfaceandhasnosoultoday,butIcan’tproveheatethem,eventhoughI’m98percentsurehedid.”

Itwastheperfectcrime.

Itwastheperfectcrime.ButCarolineandWillworkeditoutandcamebackwithanewpackofSour

PunchStrawsthattheysharedastheywatchedJacksonpitch,andtheycheeredloudlywhenhestruckouttwobattersinarow.ThentheybeggedustoletthemallgohometogetherbecausewehadNOIDEAhowmuchtheymissedeachother.Eventhoughthey’djustspenttwohourshangingoutandfightingandmakingup.Likeatwo-hourspecialepisodeofRealHousewivesofWhateverCity.

Because,attheendoftheday,theyalwaysloveeachother.Whenthey’realltogether,theytakeontheirrespectiveroles.Jacksonisthe

protectivebigbrother.HeoncestareddownalittleboywhohadbeengivingCarolineahardtimeatschool,tellingGulley,“Thatboyisbadnews.”I’mcountingonhimtogethersafelythroughhighschool.Carolinebecomesthemiddlechild,alwayssearchingforawaytomakeeveryonelaughsoshecanbaskinthecenterofattention.Whichhasunfortunatelyresultedinsomemooningincidents.AndWillisthebaby.Onthelookouttomakesureheisn’tbeingwrongedinsomeway,sometimesgettingleftout,butultimatelyalwaysadored.

JacksonandWillhavetaughtCarolinewhatit’sliketohavebrothers.Together,theyloveandtheylaugh.Theywrestleandtheyfight.Theyargueoverwhogetsthebiggestcupcake,andtheyrolltheireyesattheirmotherswhentheythinkwe’renotpayingattentionorsayingsomethingtheydeemtobetotallyembarrassing.

Andinreturn,IbelieveCarolinehastaughttheboysthathavingasistermeansthereisalwaysagoodchancefortearsanddrama,evenwhenyou’renotsurewhatyoudidwrong.Andthathavingagirlaroundmakesyourworldalittlebitsweeter.

Evenifit’sagirlwhocanburpasloudasyou.

Chapter23

LikeaBandofIdiotsWeGodowntheHighway

EverymotherknowsthereasonRobertFrosttooktheroadlesstraveledisbecausehewasn’ttravelingwithchildrenwhoneededtogotothebathroomeverythirtyminutes.OtherwisehewouldhavetakentheroadpavedwithMcDonald’sandtruckstopswithrestrooms,coveredbyantibacterialhandsoapandprayer.Andthatwouldhavemadeallthedifference.

Thereisnootherexperiencethatcanbringafamilytogetherlikehoursspentinthecarwonderingifthepersonnexttoyouisgoingtogetcarsickagain.Ultimatelytheroadtripismuchliketheactualparentingjourney:ittakesyoutonew,unexpectedplaceswhileyoumarvelthatyoujusthadtoaskthequestion,“Whyareyoulickingthebottomofyourbrother’sshoe?”or“Doyouneedtothrowupinthisplasticcupagain?”

Ofcourse,wedon’ttakethenormalfamilyroadtripwhereMomandDadloaduptheGriswoldfamilyTrucksterandhittheopenroad.MainlybecausePerryisn’tabigfanoftravelingunlessitinvolvesmakingtheforty-five-minutetrektotheranchtoshootsomething.Andthatdoesn’tcountasaroadtripinmymindbecausethere’sbarelyenoughtimeinthecartohaveareasontostopandbuysomeCornNutsandaDietCokeatasketchygasstationthatmakesyoufeellikeyoumightbetakingyourlifeintoyourownhands.Nottomentionthetripendswhenallyoucanseeiscactus.

ThefortunatethingisthatGulley’shusband,Jon,isn’treallyupfortheroadtripexperienceeither.Atleastnotthewaywedoit.Gulleyhasactuallycalledmeafterthey’vereturnedfromatriptocomplainthatJondidn’tevenwanttostopforabucketoffriedchicken.Andatthatpointyouhavetoask,“What’sthepointofevengettinginthecar?”WhynotjusttakeaplaneandpaysixdollarsforabagoftrailmixandaquartercupofDietCokeandbedonewithit?

So,aswithmostthingsinlife,GulleyandIhavediscoveredweareroadtripsoulmates.Webelieveintheimportanceofagoodplaylist,frequentstopsforsnacksand/orabucketoffriedchicken,andseeingthesightsalongthewaybecauseyoumaygetonlyonechanceinlifetoseeanactualsnakefarm.(Istillhaven’trecovered.)

OurfirstroadtriptogetherwiththekidswasaboutthetimeWillwasalittle

overayearold,Carolinewasn’tquitethree,andJacksonwasfour.WeloadedupGulley’sSUV,strappedthekidsintheircarseats,sprinkledourselveswithholywater,andheadedtoseeherparents.Mainlybecauseweknewhermomwouldfeedusgoodfoodandhelpuswiththekids,anditwastheclosestthingtoarealvacationwecouldthinkofsincePerryandJonshotdownoursuggestionthatweflytoCozumelforaweekwhiletheykeptthekids.

IthinkwewereaboutthirtyminutesintothedrivewhenWillbegantocrybecausehestillhadtositinarear-facingcarseatandwasn’tonebithappyaboutit.AndthenCarolinebegantocrybecauseWillwascryingandithurtherears.AndthenJacksonbegantocrybecauseitwaslikethatmomentonaturbulentflightwhenyounoticetheflightattendantshaveputupthedrinkcartandarebeginningtoquietlypanic.That’swhenwediscoveredthatGulleyisextremelydexterousasshemaneuveredbackandforthbetweenthefrontandthebackseat,tryingtokeepeveryonehappywhileIcontinuedtodrive,lookingforaplacetostopandbuysomeXanaxfromsomeoneonthestreet.

Butwhenwefinallyarrivedatourdestination,wewereallhappytobethereandthrilledtobetogetherforthreedaysinarow.Soatraditionwasborn.WedecidedrightthenandtherethatwewouldloadupthekidsandourselvesforaweekeverysummertotakeatourofTexas,stoppingatvariouslocationsandattractionsalongthewaybeforereachingourfinaldestination.(Byfinaldestination,ImeanGulley’sparents’houseinBryan,Texas,notheaven.Eventhoughtherehavebeentimeswethoughtthetripmightkillus.)

GulleygrewupinBryan/CollegeStation,homeofmyalmamater,TexasA&MUniversity.IgrewupinHoustonandlaterBeaumont,Texas,butmymommovedtoOklahomaduringmyfreshmanyearofcollege.MydadandmystepmomlivedinHouston,butIneededacloserplacetooccasionallytakeabreakfromthedorm.

SoonceGulleyandIbecamefriendsincollege,Ibeganspendingsomuchtimeatherparents’housethatIwasprettymuchadoptedintoherfamily.OrmaybeIjustkepthangingoutthereuntiltheyhadtocometotermswiththefacttheycouldn’tgetridofme.Becauseyouknowwhatcollegekidslovemorethanjustaboutanything?Besidescheapbeer?Aplacetoeatadelicious,home-cookedmeal,andawasheranddryerwhereyoucandoyourlaundrywithoutstockpilingquartersforweeksonend.

stockpilingquartersforweeksonend.Infact,theremayhaveevenbeenasummerwhenIjustmovedintoher

parents’housebecauseitseemedtomakemoresensethandrivingoverthereeverysingleday.AndIthinkitspeaksvolumesaboutwhatkindofpeopletheyarebecausetheyletme.Andtheyfedme.Theytookmeinandmademetheirown.

MaybethewholethingwasalittlelikethemovieWhataboutBob?ButIchoosetonotexaminethattooclosely.

AlargepartofthefunisthatGulley’sentirefamilyisacastofcharacters,andIlovethemforit.ThematriarchisGulley’sgrandmother,Nena.NenaisthequintessentialSouthernbelle,andshewillbequicktotellyou,“IsubscribetoVogueandHarper’sBazaartokeepupwithallthelatestfashions.”SheworeaponchoandembroideredjeanstoJackson’sbirthdaypartyafewyearsago,andshelookedsogoodthatGranddaddy(herhusbandofsixtyyears,whoissufferingfromalittlebitofmemoryloss)introducedhimselftoheratthepartyandsaidhe’dliketotakeheroutandgettoknowherbetter.

OneofmyfavoriteNenamemoriesistheThanksgivingsheinvitedmythen-boyfriendandmetodinner.WhenIwasinschool,TexasA&MandtheUniversityofTexas(UT)alwaysplayedonThanksgivingDay,soeveryonestayedintowninsteadofgoinghomefortheholiday.

Weshowedupwiththerequestedrelishtray(Iwasn’tevensurewhatthatwas),andsheimmediatelytoldmyboyfriend,“Oh,Ijustloveyoursweater!Ifyoueverdecidetosellthatatagaragesale,youletmeknow.”Gulleywasmortified,butIwashysterical.LateronNenatoldusshedidn’tknowwhatelsetosaybecause“thatboywassogoodlooking,ifhehadaskedmetorunawaywithhim,Iwould’vesaid,‘Holdon,letmegetmypurse!’”BecauseagoodSouthernBaptistwomanmaydecidetorunawayfromhome,butshe’dneverleaveherpursebehind.Whatifsheneededsixtissues,somebreathmints,andeighteentubesoflipstickinanarrayofcolors?

OnenightwhenIwasatGulley’shouse,IendedupsittingnexttoNena,andsherevealedthatshewasinthemarketforanewcar.Shedidn’treallyknowwhatmakeormodel,butshewasinsistentthatitmusthaveasunroof.Isattherethinkinghowchick(asNena’sbestfriendpronouncesthewordchic)Nenawastowantacarwithasunroofateighty-sevenyearsoldandenvisioningherdrivingtotheWinn-Dixiewiththewindinherhair.

Thenshesaid,“Yes,Imusthaveasunroofbecauseonthenewstheyalwaysshowpeoplecaughtinfloodwatersescapingthroughthesunroof.IneedasunroofsoIcangetoutofthecarifI’mcaughtinaflood.”(No,Ihaven’tseenanewsclipofanyonebeingrescuedthroughtheirsunroofeither.)

Iaskedthequestionthatwasoneveryone’smind.“Nena,doyouevendrivewhenit’sraining?”IfeltfairlycertainIknewtheanswer.

“Well...no.Butyoujustneverknow.”UncleJohnnychompedonhiscigarandsaid,“Well,Mama,justmakesureifyou’reevercaughtinrisingwater,youopenthatsunroofbeforethewatergetstoohigh,becauseotherwiseit’snotgoingtoworkanybetterthanthewindows,andthenyou’vewastedgoodmoneyonasunroof.”

LateronUncleJohnnypulledmeaside.“IhatetothinkaboutMamagettingcaughtinaflood,”hesaid,“butI’dpaygoodmoneytoseehertrytogetthroughasunroof.”Whichcompletelysummedupmyfeelingsonthematter.

Eventuallytheconversationturnedfromhowtosurviveafloodtoreligiousmatters.Nenatoldusabouthersearchforanewtelevision.ShesaidshewentintoCircuitCityandtoldthemsheneededthebiggestandbestTVmoneycouldbuyandmoneywasNOOBJECTbecauseherTVisasdeartoherasherBible.

Andwhilewewereonthesubjectofreligion,UncleGlentoldusabouthischurch.UncleGlenlivesinasolar-paneledlogcabininalittletownoutsideofBryan,andasGulley’smamawilltellyou,hewasalwaysalittledifferent.Nenathoughtitwasbecauseshecriedsohardwhenshefoundoutshewaspregnantwithhim.

Butanyway,itseemsthatthechurchheattendedusedtobeChurchofChrist,butmembershipkeptdecliningso“theywheeledinapianoandanorganandchangedthesignoutsidetosaynondenominational,andnowwe’reupto130members.”AndtheywereseriousaboutthenondenominationalpartbecauseduringCommuniontheyputwineintheinnercircleofthetray,alongwithgrapejuicefortheformerBaptistswhostillpreferredtodrinkintheprivacyoftheirownclosets.

Theonlyflawinthenew,improvednondenominationalchurchwasthattheydiscoveredthattheirpreacher,aftereightyearsofmarryingandburyingvariousmembersofthecongregation,wasn’tlicensedorordained.Theremightbesomefolkslivinginsindespitethebestofintentions.

ButI’msureit’ssomeconsolationthattheyhadlovelyorganmusicduringtheceremony.

Ifeveryonehadanadoptiveextendedfamilylikethat,IamconvincedDisneyWorldwouldgobankrupt.BecauseinadaywheneveryonefeelslikeyouhavetosellthefamilyfarmtogetyourkidstotheMagicKingdombytheageoftwo,Ibelieveit’saboutthesimplethingsinlife.Goodfriends,family,junkfood,andyelling,“Don’tmakemehavetopullover!”

IwantmydaughtertogrowupwithanappreciationfortheopenroadandtouringthestatecapitalinAustinorstoppinginWacojustsothekidscanseetheBaylorBearordrivingtoDallastoridethecitymetrobusandtakeourlives

theBaylorBearordrivingtoDallastoridethecitymetrobusandtakeourlivesinourownhands.

Anold-fashionedroadtripoffersalittlebitofpureAmericanathatcangetlostinthisfast-pacedworldwherewefeellikeweneedtocompetewiththeJoneses.Iguaranteeourkidshavehadasmuchormorefunonourlittleadventuresthansomepoorkidwhohasbeensubjectedtothe“Wearegoingtohavefunifitkillsusbecausethiscostusafortune”mentalitythatmoreexotictripscanbring.

Normallyit’saboutathree-hourdrivefromSanAntoniotoCollegeStation—ifyoumakethedrivewithoutanychildreninthecar.Forus,ittakesaboutthesameamountoftimeittooktheIngallsfamilytomakeitacrosstheMidwesternplainsinthedeadofwinterastheyfoughtwolves,Indians,andthebittercold.

UsuallyatthehalfwaypointwestopatMcDonald’ssothekidscanusethebathroomandorderaHappyMealtogetthefreetoyandeathalfaChickenMcNuggetandfourpapercupsfilledwithketchup.

ButGulleyandIoftenfeelwecan’tstomachanothermealatMcDonald’s.Wearegrownwomen.Weneedsomethingalittlemoresophisticated,alittlemorerefined.

Sowemakearunfortheborder.WhichforusisatruedelicacybecauseTacoBellsarenexttononexistent

whenyouliveinSanAntonio,Texas—hometoover852Mexicanrestaurants.InspiteoftheeasyaccesstosomeofthebestMexicanfoodintheworld,

GulleyandIstillcraveTacoBellfromtimetotime.Whichjustgoestoshow,youcantakethegirlsoutofEastTexas,butyoucan’ttakeEastTexasoutofthegirls.

ThisstopisalsoourchancetoloaduponDietCoketofortifyusfortheremainderofthetripbecausebythispointwe’reusuallybeginningtoquestionoursanityandwonderhowonechildcanask,“Arewethereyet?”atfive-secondintervals.

Thekidsneverdisappointusinthatregard.Usuallywe’reinthecaronlyaboutfourminutesbeforeoneofthemasks,“Howmuchlongeruntilwegetthere?”

Ireply,“We’llgettherewhenwegetthere.Don’taskusthateveryfive

minutes.”“Okay...buthowmuchlongertillwegetthere?”Thegoodnewsistheyonlyaskaboutforty-twomoretimesoverthecourse

ofthreehours.Andinbetweentheyalternatewhichtwoofthemaregoingtoannoytheotheroneuntilthatonedecidestotellontheothertwo.ThentheyinterruptGulleyandmetoratouttheirfellowman.Whattheydon’tknowisthatGulleyandIdecidedalongtimeagowewouldhaveastrictpolicyoftellingthem,“Workitoutyourselves,”becausewe’retoobusydiscussingwrinklecreamsandourhairtogetinvolvedintheirbackseatdrama.

AfteroneofourvisitstoBryanitwasabouttimetoheadhome,butGulleyandIweren’tinanyhurrytogetontheroad,sowedecidedtotakethekidstoanearbysplashpadtoburnsomeenergybeforewegotinthecar.Willdecidedhe’drathergowithHoney,whichiswhatthekidscallGulley’smama,tovisitNenabecauseNenastyleshishairforhimwhenhevisitsandhe’safanofthegelledcoiffure.SoGulleyandItookCarolineandJacksontoplayinthewater,whichwasagreatideauntilCarolinefellandskinnedherkneeandthetopofherfoot.

Youwouldhavethoughtwe’djustamputatedherlegwithadullbutterknife.Shewasactuallyfineuntilshesawtheblood,andthenshegotthevapors.WelefttheparktopickupChick-fil-AforlunchwhileCarolinecontinuedtomoanaboutherinjuryandthecrueltyoflife.ItwaslikeamonologuefromaLifetimemovieandfinallyendedwithmyinterruptinghertotellthestoryofthelittleboywhocriedwolf.I’mnotsureitwasentirelyrelevanttothesituation,butitwasthefirstfablethatcametomind,sinceIdidn’trecallanyaboutalittlegirlwhosemamaleavesherinBryan,Texas,becauseshe’sbeingadramaqueen.

Finallywegotthekidsbackandsettledatthetabletoeattheirlunch.AllwaswelluntilHoneywalkedinwithNenaandWill.Carolinerealizedshehadafreshaudienceforhertaleofwoe,gotupfromthetable,andbegantohopovertowheretheystoodwhileshesaidinhermostpitifulvoice,“Honey,I’mnothoppingbecauseIwantto,butbecauseIfellandscrapedmyknee.”

Didshenotlearnanythingfrommyrecountingthetaleofthelittleboywhocriedwolf?

ItoldhertositdownandeathernuggetsbeforeIstartedinonanotherfable,perhapsoneinvolvingchildrenwhoaren’tfortunateenoughtospendpartof

perhapsoneinvolvingchildrenwhoaren’tfortunateenoughtospendpartoftheirsummervacationridingthetraininWaco,Texas.

Afterthekidsfinishedeatinglunchandgotupfromthetable,Nenaleanedovertomeandwhispered,“Carolineseemstoenjoyillhealth.”Gulleymouthedtomeacrossthetable,“Ittakesonetoknowone.”

Nenaisherselfafanofanytypeofillness.Infact,ifyouaskedher,she’dtellyoushehashadsixsurgeriesinthepasttwoyearseventhoughthreeofthosewererootcanals.

Eventuallywegotontheroad.(IwishIwerekiddingwhenItellyouIhadtocarryCarolinetothecarbecauseofherinjury.)Everythingwasgoingsmoothlyuntilwestoppedforapottybreakandthekidsallbeggedtogetsomethingtodrink.Clearlywewerealittleoffourgamebecauseweleteachofthemgettheirowntwenty-four-ouncebottleofGatorade.Then,becauseIamanidiot,Igotinthecarandmadethedumbestdeclarationofalltime.

Iturnedaround,lookedeachkidintheeye,andsaid,“Wearenotmakinganymorestops.Donotdrinkmorethanwhatyouneedtodrinkbecausetherewillbenomorepottystops.Irepeat:therewillbenomorepottystops.Drinkonlywhatyouneed.”

Genius.Aboutfiveminuteslater,GulleyandIweredeepinconversationinthefront

seatwhenweheardsomecheeringandyellingcomingfromthebackseat.Weturnedaroundtoseewhatwasgoingon,andIkidyounot,CarolineandWillwerehavingaGatoradechuggingcontesttoseewhocouldfinishtheirbottlefirst.

Myfirstthoughtwasthattheirabilitytodrinktwenty-fourouncessoquicklydoesnotbodewellfortheircollegeyears.MysecondthoughtwastowonderifIneededtotakeCarolinetothedoctortogetherhearingchecked.

Sureenough,wehadtostopfifteenminutesfromhomeataquestionabletruckstopsothosetwoclownscouldgotothebathroom.Rumorhasittheyeachwentforaboutfourminuteswithoutstopping.

Whenwewerefinallyaboutsixblocksfrommyhouse,Willannouncedheneededtogoagain.GulleyandIbothsaid(maybeyelled),“Youcanholdit.It’sjustsixblocks.”IpulleduptomyhouseandhandedGulleymyhousekeyssoshecouldtakeWilltothebathroomwhileIunloadedthecar.

Butitwastoolate.Willhadlethimselfoutandwashappilypeeingintheyardrightoutsidemy

house,whichconsideringwewereinthemidstofadrought,wasn’tnecessarilyabadthing.

Unlessyou’rethepersoninablackSuburbanwhodrovebyintimetoseethewholething.

thewholething.

Overtheyearswehaveenduredcarsickness,fightsoverwhoatemoreCheetosoutofthecommunitybag,andtearsbecausesomeonewasbeltingoutJonBonJovi’s“Livin’onaPrayer”tooloudlyandithurtsomeoneelse’sdelicateears.Alongtheway,GulleyandIhavedecidedthereisreallynobetterindicatoryou’reamotherthanacquiringtheabilitytocatchthrow-upinaplasticbag,disinfectyourhands,andimmediatelyaskyourfriendtopassthebeefjerkyasyouputonanotherTaylorSwiftsongandactasifnothinghashappened.It’sauniqueskillset.

Therehavebeentimeswhenwe’vebeendesperatetogethomeandwonderedwhyweeverthoughtthiswasagoodideaaswelookedforaplacetostopandtakeabreakfromthecar,onlytofindthere’snotanearbygasstationorconveniencestorearound—orafiredepartmentwherewecandropoffthekidsandseeifthey’retoooldtobeplacedforadoption.

Andtherehavebeentimeswe’vehadsomuchfunwethinkwemightwanttobuyanRVandjusttravelcross-countryallthetime.EventhoughIamkiddingmyselfifIbelieveIcouldeverlearntoparkanRV.

Butthefamilyroadtriphasbecomeatradition.Wespendallyeardiscussingwherewewanttogonextsummerandwhatwe’dliketoseealongtheway.Becauseforusit’snotaboutthedestinationasmuchasitisaboutthejourney.AjourneythatinvolvesstoppingalongthewaytosmelltherosesorseeasnakefarmordrivethroughaTexaszoothatturnsouttohaveonlyabunchofcattlegrazinginafield—asifthat’sexotic.Andwelaughandweargueandwehavemomentswherewecouldalluseatime-out.

Therearetimeswhen,ifourdrivewasanyindicationofwhatMaandPaIngallswentthrough,theLittleHousebooksshouldhavecontainedtheline“AndthenPakickedusoutofthewagon,leftusontheprairie,andsaid,‘GoodLuck.’”

ButIguaranteewe’llbebackontheroadthissummer.AndeverysummerafterthatuntilthekidsaregrownandGulleyandIcanfinallytakethattriptoCozumel.

(AndIbetwe’llbealittlesadaboutit.)(Atleastuntiltheybringusourfruitydrinkswiththeumbrellasaswelieout

bythepool.)

Chapter24

TheDreamoftheWheatiesBox

Afriendoncetoldmethattheworstpartabouthavingchildrenisvisitingallthethemeparks.Idisagree.Ifindthethemeparksfairlyfunaslongasthetemperatureislessthanonehundreddegrees.Ithinktheworstpartisalltheextracurricularactivitiesandthesocialpressuretobeinvolvedineverything.Whendidmotherhoodbecomeacompetitivesport?

Imean,can’tIgetmykidpottytrainedbeforewedecideifshehaswhatittakestobeanOlympicathlete?OrhavewereachedapointwhereweinvestthousandsofdollarsandcountlesshoursongymnasticsclassesbecausewesawourtoddlerrolldowntheslideattheMcDonald’sPlayPlaceandfeelit’sasureindicatorofherfutureathleticability?

Don’tgetmewrong—I’vebeenguiltyofthesamething.Carolinelearnedtoswimbeforeshewastwoyearsold,andIremembermanydaysbythepoolsmilingatothermomswhowerejammingfloatiesontheirkids’armswhileIstruggledwithaninordinateamountofpride,morethanslightlyconvincedIhadgivenbirthtoachildwhowasclearlygoingtobeonthefrontofaboxofWheatiesbythetimeshewasthirteen.

Thereisnothinglikesportsandacademicsandeveryotheractivitytobringoutsomelatentcompetitiveinstinctwedidn’tevenknowwehad.Anditdoesn’thelpthatweliveinasocietythatthinksit’stotallynormaltohaveyourchildenrolledinguitarlessonsandunderwatermacraméclassesbyhersecondbirthday,lestshefallbehindinherareaofgiftedness.

Inotherwords,we’reallcrazy.FromthetimeIfirstlearnedIwashavingababygirl,IdreamedofthedayI

couldsignherupforballetclassanddressherinapale-pinktutu.Soassoonassheturnedthreeyearsold,IsignedCarolineupforaweeklyballetclass.Which,soonafter,becameknownasmyweeklybeating.

Oh,sure,shelovedthetapshoesandtheballetslippers.Shelovedtheleotardsandthetutus.Shelovedwatchingherselfinthemirrorassheperformedallsortsofdancemoves—noneofwhichhappenedtobethesameroutinetheclasswasactuallydoing.

ButbecauseIhadadeep-seatedneedtoseemybabygirlperforminadancerecital,andbecauseIamconstantlysearchingforwaystomakemylifemore

recital,andbecauseIamconstantlysearchingforwaystomakemylifemoredifficult,IsignedheruptoparticipateintherecitalandwroteacheckformoremoneythanIcaretoadmittopayforthecostume.

WhatIenvisionedwasadelicatelittlepinktutuwithyardsandyardsoftulle.Therealitywasahot-pinkcostumewithglaringpolkadots,completewithahugeneon-yellowbowforthetopofherhead.ItwasacostumethatwouldcauseCharotosay,“Wow.It’salittlegaudy.”

(DoesanyoneelserememberwhenCharousedtobeonTheLoveBoatalmosteveryweek?The’70swasanawesometimeforinappropriatetelevisionshowsthatkidshadnobusinesswatching.)

Ibarelysurvivedthatyearofballet.Infact,it’shardtotalkaboutevennow.It’sasifsomelatent-stagemotheringtendenciesroseupinmeandcaused

metoactlikeaninsaneperson.Nextthingyouknew,Icouldhavefoundmyselfsittingbackstage,saying,“Sweetie,putdownthesippycupandlet’sgetthiseyelineronbeforewetakeoutyourhotrollersandteaseyourhair.Anddon’tforgettouseyoursparklefingers!”

IweptwithreliefwhenCarolineannouncedshewasdonewithballet.Butafterayearoff,shedecidedtoreenterthedancearena.

Isupportedherbecausethat’swhatparentsdo.It’sjustlikewhenmymamaboughtmethosenewrollerskateswithgreenwheelsandastopperbecauseIhadsetmysightsonbecomingaprofessionalrollerskater.IblamethemovieXanaduforthatill-fatedcareerambition.Butatleastthatwasbetterthanmyotherambition,whichinvolvedbeingthebestmechanical-bullrideratGilley’sandwearingwhitecowboybootsundermyweddingdress,courtesyofUrbanCowboy.

WhenIsignedCarolineupforlessonsthesecondtimearound,theinstructorinformedmethatCarolinewouldhavetoretaketheclassforbeginnersbecauseshe’dsatoutforayear.Everyoneknowstheyearyouturnfouriscrucialforproperdancemechanics.

Iwasokaywithitbecauseitseemedtobedancestudiopolicy,butonthedayofherfirstlesson,Inoticedshewasaboutafoottallerthananyoftheotherlittlegirlsinherclass.

Also,shewasoneoftheonlyonesnotwearingaHuggiesPull-Up.Shethoroughlyenjoyedtheclassthefirstweekbecausesheknewallthe

music,plusshewaskindofthestaroftheshow—iffornootherreasonthanshedidn’ttee-teeinherleotard.Butafterthenextweekshetoldmeshedidn’twanttobeinaclasswithbabies.

IcalledthedancestudioandexplainedCarolinewastheonlyfive-year-oldinaclassofthree-year-olds.Wasthereanywayshecouldmoveuptotheclasswiththeotherfive-year-olds?Theytoldmetoshowupforourscheduledclass

withtheotherfive-year-olds?Theytoldmetoshowupforourscheduledclassandtheywouldevaluateherabilitiestoseeifshecouldbepromoted.

Whatexactlywereweevaluating?HerabilitytoholdBarneyinfrontofherwhileshepointedhertoeouttotheside?Ormaybeherabilitytopretendtobeafiretruckasthewholeclassranscreamingaroundtheroomintheirlittleballetshoes?OrperhapsherproperuseofthefakebinocularsastheyplayedthethemesongfromDoratheExplorer?

Youjustknowthat’sexactlyhowBaryshnikovgothisstart.Igentlyexplainedtotheinstructorthatitwasn’tsomuchaboutherbrilliant

interpretationofDoratheExplorerleapingthroughtherainforestasmuchasthefactthatsheknewhowtogotothebathroombyherself.Andwiththosekindsofloftyballetgoals,IknewthatitwasjustamatteroftimebeforeshewontheroleofSugarplumFairy.

EventuallythedanceteacheragreedtopromoteCarolinetothefive-year-oldclasseventhoughsheletmeknowshewasveryconcernedwehadfallentoofarbehindinour“dancecareer.”

Ourdancecareer?Areyouserious?Doyouthinkthatpotbelliedfive-year-oldwhopickshernosethroughoutthe

entireclassisgoingtohaveadancecareerjustbecausehermamaoperatesatahigherlevelofdenialthanIdoandcontinuestoforkoutpreciousmoneyfordanceclassesyearafteryear?Doubtful.Whateverhappenedtojusttwirlingaroundwithyourfriendsinatututhatmakesyoufeelprettyandgivesyourmomsomenicephotoopsforthefamily?Isn’tthatwhatdanceissupposedtobe?

Anyway,itallturnedouttobefornothingbecauseCarolinedecidedtwoweekslaterthatshewantedtoquitdanceonceandforall.Irealizesomepeoplebelieveyoushouldmakeyourkidsstickwithsomethingoncethey’vecommittedtoit,andIagreewiththat,toapoint.ButnottothepointthatIwaswillingtosubjectbothofustocompletemiseryforthenexteightmonths.Sometimes,inthelegendarywordsofKennyRogers,yougottoknowwhentofold’em.

Andsoourdancecareercametoanend.

Laterthatfall,Carolinerealizedsomeofthekidsinherkindergartenclasswereplayingsoccer,andsheannouncedthatifsheonlyhadonewish,thatwish

playingsoccer,andsheannouncedthatifsheonlyhadonewish,thatwishwouldbetonothavealamemomwhohadn’tsignedherupforasoccerteam.Shedidn’tactuallysaythatoutloud,butshesaiditwithhereyes.

I’ddebatedsigningherupforsoccerbutultimatelydecidedthatjustmakingittokindergartenfivedaysaweekwasenoughofatransitionandtherewasnoneedtoaddaSaturdaymorningcommitment.

Whenspringcame,wesignedupforT-ballbecauseIrealizedthataninevitablepartofparenthoodinvolvesspendingatleastthirteenyearsofSaturdayscheeringfromvarioussidelines.AndItookcomfortinknowingI’dbeabletosleepinagainatsomepointin2021.

Thiswasourfirstforayintosports,anditwasokay.Ienjoyedvisitingwiththeotherparents,andCarolinelikedbeingpartofateamandwearingauniform,eventhoughshedidn’treallycareforT-ballbecause“there’stoomuchsittingarounddoingnothing.”

SothefollowingfallIsignedherupforsoccer.Idon’tknowifI’veevermentionedthis,butIplayedsoccerinhighschool.

Ifyouwanttoknowwhatthatlookedlike,allyouneedtodoispictureMiaHamm.Andthenpicturetheoppositeofthat.

Myhighschoolhadformedabrand-newgirls’soccerteammysenioryear,andIbasicallymadeitbecausethey’dorderedtwelveuniformsandonlyelevengirlsshowedupfortryouts.TheonlyreasonIshowedupinthefirstplacewasbecauseIfeltlikeIneededanotherextracurricularactivityonmycollegeapplicationstooffsettheglaringfactI’dhadtotakeAlgebraIItwice.

Sadly,Ispentmostoftheseasonsittingonthebenchbecausethecoachseemedtohaveissueswithmytendencytostoprunningaftertheballtoretiethebowinmyponytail.Therewasalsothattimeshetriedtoteachmetodoaheader,andIduckedandscreamed.Itjustseemsunnaturaltohitaballwithyourhead.Onpurpose.

Anyway,IfilledoutalltheregistrationformsforCarolineandreceivedane-maillettingusknowthey’dreceivedourformsandourcoachwouldbeintouchtoletusknowaboutpracticeandwhatever.Butastheseasondrewcloserandwestillhadn’theardanything,Istartedtogetalittleworried.Then,finally,wegotane-mailthatannouncedCarolinewasassignedtoateambutnoonehadvolunteeredtobethecoach.

Ithinkyouallknowhowthisisgoingtoend.Perrycamehomeattheendoftheday,andItoldhimthenews.Weagreed

thatwe’dwaitandseewhathappenedovertheweekend.Maybesomeoneelsewouldvolunteer.ItwastotallylikethatsceneinFootloosewhereKevinBaconandthatotherguyareplayingchickenwiththetractorstoseewhowoulddrive

offtheroadfirst,exceptinourcasetherewerenotractorsorcoolsoundtrackinvolved.Yetmakenomistake:wewereholdingoutforahero.

OnMondayIe-mailedthecoordinatortoseeifanyonehadofferedtocoachtheteam(Iamalwaystheonetodriveofftheroadfirst),andheresponded,“Noonehasvolunteered.WereallyneedsomeonetoSTEPUPandcoachtheteam.”Hetotallythrewdowntheall-capsSTEPUPguiltgauntlet.

WhenPerrywalkedinthedoorlaterthatmorning,Iasked,“Howdoyoufeelaboutuscoachingsoccer?Doyouthinkwecouldcoach?”Helookedatmeandsaid,“Butneitheroneofusknowsanythingaboutsoccer.”

“Ido!Iplayedsoccerinhighschool!”“LikeIsaid,neitheroneofusknowsanythingaboutsoccer.”“Well,they’reonlysixyearsold,andtheydon’tevenuseagoalie.The

coordinatorsaysallwehavetodoisteachthemtorunupanddownthefieldwhilekickingtheball.”

Sold.OncePerryrealizeditwasn’tsomuchcoachingasitwasherding,hewas

readytomakethesoccercoachcommitment.Ie-mailedtheguybackandtoldhimwewould“STEPUP.”ThenIturnedtoPerryandsaid,“Oh,bytheway,I’mnotgoingtobehereforthefirstgame,soyou’reonyourown.”Sucker.

Bythetimewehadourfirstpractice,PerrywaslikeasoccercoachingproeventhoughherefusedwhenIaskedifhewantedmetobuyhimsomeroyal-bluecoachingshortsandanairhornwhileIwasattheAcademy.Buthedidhaveorangeconesandeverything.SowhilehisOldNavycargoshortsdidn’tscreamcoach,thepresenceoforangeconestotallymadeupforit.

IjustknewCarolinewasgoingtobethrilledwewerecoachingherteam,andIcouldn’twaittotellherwhenIpickedherupfromschoolonMonday.“Guesswhat?”Isaid.“DaddyandIaregoingtocoachyoursoccerteam!”

“Arey’allgoingtobetheonlycoaches?”“Yes.We’retheonlycoaches.”“Well,thatmightbealittleembarrassing.”Perfect.You’renotevenfourteenyet,kid.Youdon’tknowembarrassing.ButshechangedhertunewhenItoldhershecouldpickourteamname,and

sheimmediatelywantedtochristenustheRainbowUnicorns.Itoldherthat,whileitwasanawesometeamname,itmightbealittlehardforourfanstocheer“GoRainbowUnicorns!”Rumorhasitthat’swhymoreprofessionalmen’steamsdon’tusethename.

SowebecametheRainbows.AndthenweweretheCheetahGirls.AndthenweweretheMagic.Injustoneseason,wehadmorenamesthanPrince.ButCarolinehadfounda

Injustoneseason,wehadmorenamesthanPrince.ButCarolinehadfoundasportshereallyenjoyed,andItriednottoletthepressuregettomewhenotherparentsstartedtalkingaboutacademicscholarshipsandOlympicgoldmedals.

Howaboutweteachthemhowtospellcerealbeforewedecideit’stimetoputtheirphotoontheoutsideoftheWheatiesbox?

Chapter25

AdorableCookieSalespersoninPolyester

Theschoolyearhadn’tevenstartedyetwhenIreceivedane-mailaskingifIwasinterestedinsigningCarolineuptobepartofaBrownietroop.

No.No,Iamnot.ButifIsaidthat,itwouldbelikeadmittingIhatepuppiesandboxesoffried

chickenwithasideofmashedpotatoes.PossiblyeventheUnitedStatesofAmericaanddemocracy.EventhoughtechnicallytheUnitedStatesisarepublic.SinceCarolinewasonlygoingintofirstgrade,Iwantedtoremaininthecategoryofnon-ostracizedsociety(mylackofservicewithinthePTOalreadyhadusonthebrink),somyresponsewasvague.

(IcouldwriteanentirebookonthePTOandallthewaystheyaremastersinguiltwarfareandwillworkyoutotheboneiftheysensetheslightestbitofweakness.)

(Mybestadvicetoyoubeforeyourchildenterselementaryschool?Learntosayno.Especiallyifitinvolvesanythingthatendsinthewords-a-thon.)

Ireplied,“I’mnotsureifwecancommittoanotheractivity,andIcertainlywouldn’thavetime[orasufficientamountofXanax]toleadtheBrownietroop,butkeepmepostedandwe’llseeifitworksout!”(Ithoughttheexclamationpointwasanicetouch.ItconveysthatI’mexcitedaboutthepossibility!Yetnoncommittal!)

Mystrategywastwofold:iftheyweresimplylookingforsomesuckertobetheleader,they’dknowIwasnobody’spatsy.AndifadditionalmessagesmademesuspecttheymightbethetypeofBrownietroopthatwouldengageinquestionablebehaviorslikecampingintheactualoutdoorsorhelpingsavetheenvironment,thenI’dhavetheheads-uptoletthemknowourschedulewascompletelypackedwithotherthingsandwewerejustsickabouthavingtoturndowntheBrownies.

Timewentby,schoolstarted,andIneverheardanotherword.JustwhenIstartedtogetacomplexaboutwhyCarolineandIweren’tgoodenoughforBrownieTroop3009,Ireceivedaphonecallinformingmewewerein.

MycelebrationwasshortlivedonceIrealizedtheyusedthephrase,“Congratulations,you’reinourBrownietroop.”HadtherebeensomesortofsecretBrownierushIdidn’tknowabout?Hadtheycheckedourcredentialsand

secretBrownierushIdidn’tknowabout?HadtheycheckedourcredentialsandevaluatedthesturdinessofCaroline’slegstoseeifshewouldbeabletowalkamiletosellSamoas?

(AndbySamoas,ImeanthepopularGirlScoutcookie,notthepeople.)(AlthoughnowthatIthinkaboutit,Ibelievetheyarereferredtoas

Samoans.Whateverthecase,they’relovelypeopleandtheyalsomakeadeliciouscookie.)

TherewasanintroductorymeetingforthemothersofpotentialBrownies,soIdecidedIshouldattendandgetalittlemoreinformationaboutthetroop.Ihadnoideathismeetingwouldinvolvemorethansippingacupofcoffeeandeatingapastrybutinsteadwouldrequirecompletinganenormousfilefolderofpaperwork.ApparentlybeingpartoftheGirlScoutsofAmericaissimilartoenteringtheCIAbutwithmorebackgroundchecks.

IsattheretryingtocomeupwithexcusesforwhyIneededtoleave,thefirstbeingmysilentsufferingfromanextremecaseofcarpaltunnelsyndrome,butIcouldn’tpulloffagracefulexit.Plus,Icouldn’thelpbutthinkthatCarolinemightreallyenjoybeingaBrowniesincetherewasadaybackin1977whenIproudlyworethebrownuniform.

AndwhenIsay“worethebrownuniform,”IfeelIshouldclarifyI’mreferringtomyowntenureasaBrownie,notmycareerasaUPSdriver.NotthatIeverwasaUPSdriver,buttherewasadaywhenIwonderedifIcouldmakealivingdrivingoneofthosebig,browntrucks.IcallthatdaythedayImadea13onanexaminmyinterculturalcommunicationsclass.

MyaffiliationwiththeBrownieslastedforonlyoneschoolyear.Wemetonceamonthattheneighborhoodclubhouse.Ilookedforwardtoourmeetingsnotonlybecausewegottotie-dyeshirtsandpaintceramicturkeysbutalsobecauseIgottocarpoolwithmyfriendJodi,andhermomdroveoneofthosesweetwood-paneledstationwagonswiththeseatthatfacedbackward.ThatcarmademefaceuptothedeprivationofmychildhoodandalltheunfairnessthatcomeswithhavingamomwhopreferredtodriveaBuickLeSabre,otherwiseknownastheBlueSedanofNoFun,completewithJimmySwaggarteight-tracktapesforourlisteningenjoyment.

TothisdayIcan’tsitonavelourseatwithoutfeelingthejudgmentandcondemnationofpassingupatearfulaltarcallsettopianomusic.

IhadspentmyyearinBrowniesmakingbirdfeedersfrompineconesandmakingfacesatthecarsbehinduswhileIrodeinthebackofMrs.Jones’sstationwagon.EverythingwasfineuntilthedayafellowcarpoolmembertookituponherselftoinformusthattherewasnoSantaClaus.FromthatdayonIwantednothingmoretodowithBrownies.Obviouslytheywereallabunchofliarsbecausehowcouldyoudoubtthevalidityofamanwhowearsaredsuit

liarsbecausehowcouldyoudoubtthevalidityofamanwhowearsaredsuitandcomesdownyourchimneyonceayearwhileheleaveshisflyingreindeerparkedonyourroof?Whatelsewouldyouliketotellmeisn’treal?Thetoothfairy?SonnyandCher’smarriage?DonnyOsmond’sabilitytoseemethroughtheTV?

ButIdidn’twantmytaintedexperiencetokeepCarolinefrombeingaBrownieifitwassomethingshereallywantedtodo.SothatnightIasked,“DoyouwanttojoinaBrownietroop?”

“WhatareBrownies?”“Well,it’sagroupofgirlswhowearthesebrownvestsanddocraftsand

singsongs.”(AndtellpeoplethatSantaClausisn’treal.)“Okay.”HowcouldIsaynotothatpassionateresponse?Iturnedinallthe

paperwork,andweofficiallybecamepartofTroop3009.ThenIreceivedane-mailfromthetroopleaderexplainingwe’dneedtogo

totheGirlScoutheadquarterstopurchaseouruniform,whichisreallyaninsulttouniformseverywhere,becausesincewhendoesabrownvestmadeoutofpoly-blendconstituteauniform?Whathappenedtothebeanieandtheshortsthatwouldputyouintherapy?

ButIboughtthevestandthenumbersandafewobligatorypatchesthatwereallsoldundertheguiseofbeingiron-onsbecausetheGirlScoutsofAmericaareshrewdandknowtheirlittletroopsofcookiepusherswouldbedecimatedifmothersrealizedthey’dactuallyhavetosewonthepatches.(And,no,Ididn’tsewonthepatches.That’swhatsafetypinsandsupergluearefor.HowamIgoingtohavetimetopluckmyeyebrowsifI’mtakingremedialsewingcoursestoshowmehowtosewonBrowniepatches?)

OneofthequalitiesthatsoldmeonjoiningthisparticularBrownietroopwasthepromisethatitwouldbealow-maintenancetroop.We’dmeetthefirstFridayofeverymonth,andtwomotherswouldtaketurnshostingthemeeting.Thefirstmeetingwentfine.ItwaswhataBrowniemeetingshouldbe,whichistosaythatthegirlsmadebraceletsoutofemptytoiletpaperrollsandribbon,dranksomeCapriSuns,andhadafewcookies.Perfect.Lowmaintenance,justaspromised.

Butthencamethenextmeeting.Itwasbilledasafocusonpromotingahealthylifestyle.Andhonestly,I’m

notopposedtoahealthylifestyle,aslongasnooneexpectsmetoeatacarrot.Whatyouchoosetoputinyourdigestivetractisyourownpersonalbusiness,sopleasedon’tjudgemeformyloveofMrs.Baird’sCinnamonRollsandTaterTots.

Tots.Wearrivedatthemeeting,andIimmediatelyknewIwasinovermyhead

whenIsawfourteenyogamatsformedinasemicircle.Andworse,uponcloserinspection,Idiscoveredtheywereeachpersonallymonogrammed.Oneverymattherewerelittlehot-pinkboxesthatresembledChinesetakeoutcontainersfilledwithsomeassortmentofdriedsnackmix.Whattheactualheck?WasthisaBrowniemeetingoranepisodeofTheMarthaStewartShow?

Themominchargeofthemeetingaskedthegirlstositontheiryogamatsandwatchwhilesheputonayogademonstration.Sure,itwasimpressivethatshecouldbalanceherentirebodyweightonherhead,butitdidn’treallyseemlikethebestmovetoteachtoagroupofimpressionable,uncoordinatedfirstgraderswhoseparentsmightnotwanttospendafortuneinchiropractictreatments.I’malsonotsurethattheoriginalyogagurusintendedfortheirmeditativeposestobeperformedwhilelisteningtoMileyCyrusbeltout“PartyintheUSA.”

Aftertheyogademonstrationwasover,thehostmothersfilledthegirlsinontheimportanceofdentalhygiene.Itshouldhavebeennosurprisethateachgirlreceivedherveryownlight-uptoothbrushthatblinksfortheamountoftimeyoushouldbrushyourteeth.WetookhomemorepartinggiftsthanacontestantonThePriceIsRight.

Actually,that’snottrue,becauseIamamasterofThePriceIsRight.AllthoseyearsofwatchingPlinkoandthatlittlemountainclimbergameatMe-MaandPa-Pa’shousetotallypaidoff.Ihavenodoubtthat,ifgiventhechance,Icouldwinanewcar.I’dliketobelievethatIcouldalsowintheShowcaseShowdown,butsomuchofitboilsdowntotheluckofspinningthebigwheelasopposedtopureskill.AndforallIknow,theentireformatofThePriceIsRightistotallydifferentnowthatDrewCareyhastakenover.IquitwatchingwhenBobBarkerleft,becausehetotallymadethatwholeshow.“Don’tforgettospayandneuteryourpets!”

Attheconclusionofthedentallessoncamealectureonthedangersofsmoking.Itwasyourstandardsurgeongeneraltalk:smokingisbad.Itwillkillyou.Itmakesyourteethyellow.Peoplewhosmokemightgotohellor,worse,driveanElCamino.Theusual.Butrightasthediscussionwaswindingdown,IsawCaroline’shandpopupintheair.Themominchargesaid,“Caroline,doyouhaveaquestion?”

“No.ButIjustwantedtosaythatallmymom’scousinssmoke.”(AndsomeofthemhavebeenknowntodriveElCaminos.)Perfect.BetweenthatadmissionandthefactIwasn’tplanningtoofferany

monogrammedtake-homeitemsattheBrowniemeetingIwouldeventuallyhavetohost,IfeltsurewehadjustrelegatedourselvestoTroop3653,alsoknownas

tohost,IfeltsurewehadjustrelegatedourselvestoTroop3653,alsoknownastheWhiteTrashBrownies.

Butlet’sbehonest.TheBrowniesweren’tgoingtokickusoutduetosomesmokingcousins.Sure,thoseothermomsmighthavebeenhorrifiedbythesmokingrevelation,buttheyneededeverywarmbodytheycouldgettopushthosecookies.ThoseThinMintsdon’tsellthemselves.

Actually,that’snottrue.Thosecookiestotallysellthemselves.Ithinktheymightcontainsomesortofaddictivesubstance.

Muchlikecigarettes.Asitturnedout,wedidn’tgetkickedoutofBrownieseventhoughIended

uphavingtopaythirty-sixdollarsoutofmyownpocketbecausewehadacookiedeficit.(I’msureitwasn’tduetoanystress-eatingoftheDo-si-dosaswewalkeddoortodoor.)

CarolineandIwereonthewaytoourlastmeetingoftheschoolyearwhenshesaid,“Mama,therehasgottobesomethingmorefuntodothanBrownies.”

Preachit,sister.Nottomentionthatnooneevergotacollegescholarshiporendedupona

boxofWheatiesfortheirabilitytopaintceramicturkeys.We’restickingtosoccer.Orswimming.Ormaybevolleyball.Olympics2020?Ihaveagoodfeelingaboutyou.

Chapter26

Caroline,theWitch,&theWardrobe

Thisisn’tadocumentedstatistic,butIbelievewhenwomenfindoutthey’regoingtohaveababygirl,atleast98percentofthemenvisionawardrobefullofsmockeddressesandbows.And,yes,it’sheavenlytodressupyourdaughterlikeshe’syourownpersonalbabydollforthefirstthreeyearsofherlife.Thenyouwakeuponedayand,withnowarning,shesuddenlyhasanopinion.Anopinionthatusuallyinvolvesaplaidpurpleskirtwithanorange-and-green-stripedshirtandroyal-bluekneesocks.

It’salookIliketocallhobochic.Which,frankly,isprobablyaninsulttohoboseverywhere.IshouldhaveknownIwasintroublewhenCaroline’spreschoolteachers

informedmeshewalkedineverymorning,promptlyhandedthemthebowsfromherhair,andsaid,“No,thankyou.”ButIwasindenialandcontinuedtobuydarlingoutfitsthatactuallymatchedforyearsbeforeIfinallyaccepteditwasalostcause.

KhalilGibranofferstheseinsightsaboutchildren:

Youmaygivethemyourlovebutnotyourthoughts,Fortheyhavetheirownthoughts.Youmayhousetheirbodiesbutnottheirsouls,Fortheirsoulsdwellinthehouseoftomorrow,whichyoucannotvisit,not

eveninyourdreams.Youmaystrivetobelikethem,butseeknottomakethemlikeyou.

Yes.Allofthat.AndIwouldaddthatyoucan’tpickouttheirclothesoncetheydecideGaptightswithabearonthebottomaren’treallythestylestatementtheywanttomake.

OnceCarolinebegankindergarten,Idiscoveredthroughalotoftrialanderrorthatthemostpain-freewaytogetherdressedinthemorningwastoofferthreewardrobeoptionsfortheday.I’dwalkthroughthekitchenonthewaytothelivingroom,holdingtheofferingsI’dprocuredfromhercloset,andwhispertoPerry,“I’mgoingin.Sayaprayerforme.”Andhe’dlookatmeasifhe

toPerry,“I’mgoingin.Sayaprayerforme.”Andhe’dlookatmeasifhewantedtotellmeIwasthebravestwomanhe’devermet.EitherthatorhewaswonderingwhyIwastalkingtohimwhilehewaslookingatbargain-pricedammoonline.

MostdaysCarolinesizedupthethreechoices,madesomeeditorialchangestothesuggestedaccessories,andultimatelyworeoneoftheoutfits.Butthenthereweretheotherdays.Thedaysshedismissedallmychoiceswithawaveofherhandandsaid,“Noneofthose!”inatonethatindicatedshecouldn’tbelieveIdidn’thavethesupernaturalabilitytosensethatshewassooverleggingsrightnoweventhoughshelovedthemyesterday.

ThenonedayasImademywaybacktothelivingroom,holdingthreedifferentoutfitsonhangers,theabsurdityofthesituationdawnedonme.Anditonlytookthreeyears.

SuddenlyIfeltverymuchlikeMaryBoleyn.Exceptwithouttheaffairwithapower-hungrykingandthecorsets.IhadbecomeCaroline’sveryownlady-in-waiting.Ipickedoutherclothes,Ifixedherhair,andImadesureshehadeverythingsheneededbeforeshewalkedoutthedoor.

AndIdidn’tminddoinganyofthesethings.I’mamom.It’swhatIdo.Butonthatparticularmorning,asIhumblyofferedthethreeoutfitscarefully

chosenfromhercloset,Carolinelookedatmeandsaid,“TheproblemisyouandIdon’thavethesametaste.Idon’tlikeanyofthesechoices.”

Imighthavebecomeslightlyunhinged.Don’tmesswithawomanwhohasjustslavedoveradrybowlofLuckyCharmsandcutthecrustsoffaham-and-cheesesandwich.

“Well,ifyoudon’tlikewhatI’vepickedout,thenyoucangolookinyourclosetandchooseyourownoutfit.Itdoesn’tmattertome.”

Itwastrue.Yes,therewasatimewhenIdesperatelywantedhertowearcertainoutfitswithmatchingbowsinherhairandalltherightaccessories.ButthatwasbeforeIwasworndownbylifeanddecidedtosettleforanythingthatdidn’tmakeherlooklikeacontestantonToddlers&TiarasoraBratzdoll.

Soshewalkedintoherroom,andIwaitedtoseewhatshewouldchoose.AndIwaited.

AndIwaited.Aftertenminutespassed,Iwalkedintofindhertwirlingaroundinfrontof

hermirror.Stillwearingherpajamas.Andatiara.Iwasadonkeyontheedge.“Whyaren’tyoudressed?Wehavetoleaveintwominutes!”“Idon’tknowwhatIwanttowear.”Imadeafewmoresuggestionsthatshegreetedwith,“Orwhatelse?”AndI

desperatelywishedthatIcoulddosomethingsimpler,likebrokeradealfor

desperatelywishedthatIcoulddosomethingsimpler,likebrokeradealforpeaceintheMiddleEast.

FinallyPerrycameintointerveneandtoldhertoputonashirtwithapairofjeans.HemighthavealsotoldmeIneededtosettledown.Ican’trememberbecauseIhadtoputmyheadbetweenmykneestokeepfromblackingout.

Afterthemadnessofthemorning,IdecidedMaryBoleynneededtocomeupwithabettersolution.Ourmorningshadbecomeincreasinglyfilledwithwardrobedrama,andI’devenbeentemptedtohomeschooljustsowecouldstayinourpajamas.

WhenCarolinegothomefromschoolthatday,Iannouncedshewasnowresponsibleforpickingoutherownclothesthenightbefore.Ifsheforgottodoit,thenshehadtowearwhateverIpickedout,withnoargumentordebateabouttheunfairnessoflifeandthelifelongwoundsyou’llsufferifyourmommakesyouwearasweaterdress.

Asweaterdressthatyoubeggedforonlytwomonthsearlier.Asweaterdressthatwasnot,infact,wovenonthedevil’sloom.

Asitturnedout,ournewsystemwasn’tmuchlesspainfulthantheoldsystem.Itjusttookplaceat6:30p.m.insteadof7:30a.m.,andIhadthecomfortofknowingIcouldsendhertobedshortlyafterwedebatedthemeritsofaplaidskirtversusatie-dyeddress.

Whichbringsustotheothernight.Theweatherforecastindicateditwasgoingtobethecoldestdayoftheyearsofar.IremindedCarolinetopickoutwhatshewantedtowearthenextday.Sheaskedmetohelpher,soIobliged.I’mreallynotaheartlesstyrant,despitemypenchantforsweaterdressesandclothesthatmatch.

Aswestoodinhercloset,sheasked,“Whatwouldyouweariftheweatherwasgoingtobecoldandyouwantedtobetoastywarm?”

Ipointedoutafewsweaterdressesandsomefleece-linedtopswithleggingsorjeans.

Sheasked,“Whatelsebesidesanyofthosethings?”Seriously.Netanyahuneedstocallme.WecanfigureoutthisMiddleEast

thingyet.Isaid,“Youfindsomething.Ineedtogofinishcookingdinner.”AboutthreeminuteslaterIheardhersneakintothekitchen.Shethrewa

folded-uppieceofpaperatmeandloudlywhispered,“Openit.”

folded-uppieceofpaperatmeandloudlywhispered,“Openit.”Iopenedit.Itread,“Ineedhelp.”Don’tweall,sister.Don’tweall.So,becauseIamagluttonforpunishment,Iwalkedbackintoherroomto

giveitanothertry.IshowedherafewmoreoutfitsthatshefoundunacceptableuntilIfinallychanneledmyinnerfashionistaandasked,“What’syourgoal?Whatareyouenvisioning?”

“Well.Idefinitelywanttowearmylegwarmers.Andtwoshirts.Andaskirt.Maybewithsometights.Andahat.”

Done.AndthatishowIsentmychildtoschoolinanoutfitthatPunkyBrewster

wouldhaveenvied.ThesadthingisthatCarolineisonlyeight.WhenIthinkofhowmanyyears

ofthiswehaveaheadofus,itmakesmewanttoshelloutmoneyforaprivateschoolthatrequiresuniforms.Andwehaven’tevenreachedtheagewhereshe’sconsciousofnamebrands.I’msurethoseyearswillbeatreasure.

Ifmemoryserves,andsometimesitdoes,IthinkIwasinfifthgradewhenitbecameofutmostimportanceformetohaveJordachejeansandIzodshirtsandNiketennisshoes.AndIvividlyrememberineighthgradestandinginthejuniordepartmentatFoley’sandbeggingmydaddytobuymeapairofGuessoveralls.Overallsthatcosteightydollars.In1984.That’slikeaseven-hundred-dollarpairofpantsintoday’seconomy.

ButIstronglybelievedthoseGuessoverallsmightchangemylife.Theywerethekeytopopularityandaseatatthecoollunchtable.Becausewhocouldresistanawkwardthirteen-year-oldgirl,withbangsteasedbeyondallreasonandgravity,dressedlikeafarmer?

ThentheotherdayIwasgettingdressedforchurchandrealizedI’djustchangedintofourdifferenttopsinthecourseoffiveminutes.ItwaswithalittleshockandshamethatIrealizedCarolinecomesbyitnaturally.Yes,it’soffsetbythefactthatshehasafatherwhodressesinarotationoffourColumbiafishingshirtsandthreepairsofkhakipantsfromOldNavy,butsinceshecarries50percentofmyDNA,Isuspectshe’llalwayshaveastrongpropensitytobeslightlyobsessedwithwhatshewears.(Ionceworealeopard-printtoptothezoo.WhenIwastwentyyearsold.Atfive,that’scute.Attwentyit’scalledoverthinkingyourwardrobe.)

ItwasjusttwomorningsagowhenCarolineannouncedthatallshewantedtoweartoschoolfromnowonwererunningshorts,leggings,andaT-shirt.Ithoughtofallthebeautifulclotheshanginginhercloset—clothesshehadbeggedmetobuy—andIwasfurious.Ithreatened,“Well,IguessI’lljusttakeallthoseclothesinyourclosetandsellthem.”

(WhowasIgoingtosellthemto?I’veneverreallyfiguredthatout,butthisthreathasworkedinthepast,soIcontinuetouseit.)

(IalsofeelcertaintherewillcomeadaywhenCarolinewilllaughwithherfriendsabouthowhercrazymotherusedtothreatentosellallherclothes.)

Butthistimeshecalledmybluff.“Okay,”shesaid.Ialmostcouldn’tseestraight.Itkindofruinedmywholemorning.Iknow.That’sembarrassing.BecausewhatI’mfinallyrealizingisthatinspiteofallmygrand

declarations,it’sstillimportanttomethatCarolinelookcute.Sure,I’vesurrenderedincertainareasandIgaveuponthebowsyearsago,butIworryaboutwhatotherpeoplewillthinkwhentheyseemychilddressedlikeamemberofthecastofAnniedayafterday.

It’smypridethatwantsothermotherstoseeCarolinewalkintoschoolandsay,“Well,theregoesthatdarlingCaroline,dressedlikeaperfectlittleladyandwiththosedarlingFrenchbraidsinherhair.”Andit’smypridethatiswoundedonthedaysIwatchherwalkintoschoolandfeelcertainothermothersarethinkingImustbeoutoftown,becausewhyelsewouldmydaughter’shairlooklikeit’sinthelatestagesofbecomingdreadlocks?

Butyouknowwhat?It’snotaboutme.Therearebattlesalongthewaythatareworththefight.Liketheonesthat

involvehersafety,morality,spirituality,andgeneralwell-being.Iwilldieonthosemountains.Iwillfightwithavengeance,andIwillnailshutbedroomwindowsandtakeawayprivilegesandbethemeanestmomintheworldifthat’swhatthesituationcallsfor.

Butclothes?Ruiningeverymorningwithabattleoverwhatshe’sgoingtowear?Intheschemeoflife,itdoesn’treallymatter.Yes,theoutfithastobeappropriateandfitmyparametersfornohoochiesinmyhouse,butifCarolinewantstolooklikeshejustworkedoutatthehealthclubeverydaythisyear,thenit’snotworththefight.

And,honestly,ifyouwanttoseesomepoorsartorialchoices,govisityourlocalelementaryschool.Thekidsalllookhomeless.Theyalllookliketheirmothershavebeenonextendedvacationsandleftthemathomewithnothingbuttheircolor-blindfatherswhodon’tunderstandhairbrushmechanics.

IhavepromisedmyselfIwillrememberthewordsGodspoketoSamuelbeforeheanointedDavidaskingofIsrael:“TheLORDdoesnotlookatthethingspeoplelookat.Peoplelookattheoutwardappearance,buttheLORDlooksattheheart”(1Samuel16:7).

Maybeit’sbecauseeightyearshavecomeandgonefasterthanIevercouldhaveimagined,butI’vepainfullystartedtorealizethatwehaveaprettylimitednumberofyearstopourintoourchildreneverythingwewantthemtoknow.Idon’twanttospendthoseyearsbattlingoverastupidsweaterdressorbraidedhair,ordebatingwhetherthoseshortsmatchthatshirtjustbecausetheyarebothpink.

IwanttospendtheselimitedyearswithafocusonshapingCaroline’sheart,nothercloset.IwouldsayIwanthertobeabetterversionofmyself,butthat’snotaccurate.IwanthertobethebestversionofwhoGodhascreatedhertobe—toembraceherindividualqualitiesandgifts.Iwanttoteachhertoputonkindness,love,gentleness,patience,andjoyeverymorningandtowalkthroughherdaylookingforwaystomakeadifferenceinherworld.Tobekindtothelittlegirlinherclasswhostrugglestofitin,tositnexttothenewkidwhodoesn’tknowanyone,tostandupfortheboywhogetspickedonatrecess.Iwanthertoknowthatit’swhosheisinsidethatmakesheruniqueandthatthereisnoclothingavailableatanystorethatcanaddoneouncetoherinfiniteworth.

NotevenapairofGuessoveralls.It’salessonhermotherstillstruggleswithalltheseyearslater.AndevennowtherearedaysIhearmyselfforcedtosay,“Youcan’tsleepin

aSantahatwhileyourhairiswetandexpectthatitwilllookgoodthenextday.”Butlet’sbehonest:that’sjustalifelessoneverygirlneedstolearn.

Chapter27

LittleStepsofLettingGo

TheothernightIcrawledintobednexttoCaroline,andshereachedouttoholdmyhand.AsIheldherwarmlittlehand,stilldimpledwiththelastofherbabyfat,itseemedsosmall.Whichisweirdbecauseeverythingaboutherseemssobigtomelately.TherehavebeentimesI’veseenherfrombehindandalmostnotrecognizedherbecausethere’snowaythattall,ganglygirlismylittlebaby.

ButasIheldherhandandwatchedhersleep,withherlongeyelashesrestingonherflawless,olive-skinnedcheeks,allthepettyargumentsandfrustrationsofthedaywereforgotten.AllthebattlesfadedawayinthefreshremembrancethatsheisthemostperfectgiftI’veeverbeengiven.ThatGodchosetoentrustthisprecocious,hilarious,rough-and-tumblegirlintomycareisalmosttoomuchformetobear.

Ifeelliketherearesomanyclichésaboutmotherhood.It’shardnottorepeatwhathasalreadybeensaidinvariouswaysfromthemomenttimebegan.AndasIthinkaboutallthedeclarationsthathavebeenmadeaboutmotherlove,Irealizeit’sbecausemotherhoodisthethinginawoman’slifethatcatchesherbytotalandcompletesurprise.

MostofusgrowupwithfairytalesandBarbiedollsanddreamsofthedaywe’llmeetthemanwewanttospendtherestofourlifewith.Irememberwatchingthegreatromancesplayoutbeforemeonthemoviescreen—CinderellaandPrinceCharming,SandyandDannyZuko,BudandSissy(becausewhatsaystruelovelikepersonalizedlicenseplatesinthebackwindowofaFordtruck?)—andIhopedandprayedadaywouldcomewhenIwouldmeetamanIwantedtobewithforever.

Weareraisedtobelievewe’llfindourprince.Ourownhappilyeverafter.Andifanything,thebooksandmoviesmakeitlooksomucheasierthanitreallyissometimes.Therearedaysmarriagefeelslikethrowingawetcatandarabiddogwholeavesthetoiletseatupallthetimeinahousetogetherandtellingthemtomakeitwork.

Butthenthere’smotherhood.Evenifwe’vedreamedofhavingbabiesofourown,thereisnothingthat

preparesusforthewaythatmomentcracksopenourheartsandpoursinthetype

ofpureloveweneverknewexisted.Alovethatisn’taboutusbutisjustaboutwantingtoloveandprotectthislittle,helplesspersonwhowillemitallmannerofbodilyfluidsonusifgivenhalfthechance.Youcan’tfathomituntilyouexperienceit.Youcandecorateanursery,scribbledownbabynames,andfeelthemiracleofafootkickingyourbladder,butnoneofthatcomesclosetocapturingthetruemomentsthatmakeamama.

That’swhyIbelievemotherhoodgivesusthefirsttrueglimpseofhowGodlovesus.Thekindoflovethat’sirrevocable,unrelenting,unconditional.Ithinkit’stheclosesthumansgettolivingout1Corinthians13.MotherhoodisaHolyCommunionwithGoldfishcrackersandjuiceboxes.

Yetit’sbittersweet.Becausewhilewechoosethepersonwemarrywiththebeliefandhopethatitwillbe“tilldeathdouspart,”webecomemothersandimmediatelyrealizeourjobistoraisetheselittlepeopleandpourintothemandpackineighteenyearsofwisdom,love,andprotection,onlytoletthemgooutintoaworldthatseemsscaryandwaytoobigforourcomfort.

Andthat’swheretheproblemlies.Wehavetoletthemgo.AndfromwhatI’veseenofCaroline’schildhoodso

far,therearelittlestepsoflettinggoallalongtheway.Droppingheroffatpreschool,surrenderinghertokindergarten,lettingherspendthenightwithafriend,sendinghertosummercamp.Thestakesgethigherandhigheraswesendourkidsoutfurtherandfurther.

Thosewalksdownvariousschoolhallwaysareonlythebeginningofstepsthatwilltakethemtowardtheirowndestiny.Thosemomentsarethemotherhoodequivalentofridingabikewithouttrainingwheels.Youjusthoponandprayitallworksoutandthebumpsandbruisesarekepttoaminimum.Sometimesyoufallandit’sabigmess,butyougetrightbackonandcontinuetheride.

Theironyisthatthehallmarkofhowwellwe’redoingourjobisdeterminedbyhowourchildrenadapttoallthesechanges.Havewegiventhemthesecuritytheyneedtofunctionwiththeirpeers?Dotheyfeellovedenoughtopourthemselvesintothelivesaroundthem?Aretheysecureenoughtojumpintolifewithbothfeetandchoosethedaringadventurethatawaitsthem?

AndcanwewatchthemfallandmakemistakesandwrongdecisionswhiletrustingthatthisisallpartofbecomingthepersonGodcreatedthemtobe?

WhenCarolinewasabouttwoyearsold,wetookatriptothebeach.AtsomepointPerryfoundalittlecrabthathadlostitsclawsandputitinabucketforher.Shepickedupthatcrabandcarrieditaroundlikeitwasherbabytherestoftheday.Thatpoorcrabdidn’thaveachance.Hegotlovedtodeathfromalltheattentionandconstanthandling.

Iwatchedherwiththecrabassheignoredallmyadmonitionsthatthepoorcrabjustneededtobesetfreeifhewastohaveanychanceofsurviving.AndGodshowedupthereonthatbeachtoteachmealesson.Nothingsurviveswhenit’sbeingsmothered.Life,reallife,requiresbeingfreetomoveaboutinthegreatbigocean,notbeingcradledinlittlehothandsthatwillstifleindependenceandcreativity.Wecan’tkeepourcrabs(orourkids)inabucketandexpectthemtogofarinlife.

Theproblemisthatourheartsaresointertwinedwithourlittlecrabs’heartsthatwedon’tknowwheretheirsbeginandoursend.Andit’ssohardtoletgo.

TheyearCarolineturnedfour,Iwasdrivinghertoschoolwhensheannouncedshedidn’twantmetoparkandwalkherintoschoolasI’ddoneforthelasttwoyears.Herexactwordswere,“Mama,dropmeoffbyMrs.Jane.”

“Areyousure?Youdon’twantmetowalkyouin?”“Mama,Ineedtotellyousomething.Youknow,I’mabiggirlnow.”Yes.Iknow.Idrovethroughthecarpoollineandwatchedhergetoutofthecarwithher

totebaginonehandandherlunchboxintheother.ShewalkedwithanextrabounceinherponytailthatmademesmileasInotedtheprideshefeltwithhernewstepofindependence.

AndthenIstartedtocry.YouwouldhavethoughtIwasdroppingheroffatherdormroomknowingI

wouldn’thearfromheruntilshewasoutofmoneyorcleanclothes.Orboth.Iwipedmytears,toldmyselfIwasbeingdramatic,evenforme,andwrotethewholethingofftosomekindofestrogensurge.

ThefollowingWednesday,thedaybeforeherfifthbirthday,Iaskedherifshewantedmetowalkherinordropheroffagain.

Withoutamoment’shesitationshesaid,“Dropmeoff!”SoIdid.AndIcriedagain.I’dliketothinkitwasduetoPMS,butsinceImadeitthroughtheday

withouteatingmybodyweightinM&M’S,Idon’tthinkthatwastheproblem.Ihaveneverbeenamotherwhomournedallthepassingsignsofbabyhood.

Sure,I’dlovetohaveonemoredaywithCarolineasanewbornoratoddler,butforme,motherhoodhasjustgottenbetterasI’vesurvivedbreastfeeding,weaned

heroffthepacifier,completedourpotty-trainingmarathon,andwatchedtheterriblethreesturnintothecharmingfours.

ButsomethingaboutwatchingherwalkintoschoolbyherselfmademethinkofallthewaysI’llhavetolethergooveralifetime.Thetruthis,Idon’twanttolethergo,yetI’msoproudeverytimeIseesheisself-confidentenoughtotakethesestepsawayfromme.

I’vealsorealizedthatwhenthedaycomestodropheroffatcollege,ImightneedasurplusofKleenexandValium.Andperhapsachoirtoassistmeinsinging“IHopeYouDance.”

(EventhoughI’dneveractuallysing“IHopeYouDance.”It’stoomuchofacliché.I’mmuchmorelikelytosingCarlySimon’s“LoveofMyLife”orjustsobsilentlyasIdrivebackhomewhileeatingachocolatedonut.)

ThatnightasItuckedCarolineintobed,Igaveherakissandsaid,“Justthink,that’sMama’slastfour-year-oldkiss!”

Sheputherlittlehandsoneachsideofmyface,pulledmebackdowntoher,kissedmesoftlyonthecheek,andsaid,“That’safour-year-oldkissthatyoucankeepforever,Mama.”

AndIwill.I’llkeepitforever.Becauseraisingachildisafleetingmomentintimethatsometimesgets

swallowedupinthedailyroutineofcarpoolsandsoccerpracticeandCanIgetawaywithservingtacosfordinneragaintonight?Andyetit’squitepossiblythemostimportantthingwe’lleverdo.It’sthedailybalanceoftreasuringthemomentsevenaswewishsomeofthemaway.It’streadingwaterinaseaofimperfections.It’sadelicatedanceofguiltandjoy.

AttimesI’vethoughthowniceitwouldbeifIcouldjustprotectmydaughterforever—shieldherfromhurtfeelings,abrokenheart,dreamsthatmaynotcometrue.ButIrealizeallthosethingsinmyownlifehavebeenpartofmakingmewhoIamtoday.HadIbeenprotectedfromalltheunpleasantmomentslifecanbring,Iwouldn’thavelearnedwhoIreallyam.Caroline’scharacterwillhavetobebuiltandshapedbythejoysandheartachesshewillfaceoverherlifetime.

Ihavetosayit’salittlefrightening.Andalotgutwrenching.

ForCaroline’seighthbirthdayshedecidedshewantedtogetherearspierced.Wewenttothemall,eventhoughIhadnoideaifshe’dactuallygothroughwith

Wewenttothemall,eventhoughIhadnoideaifshe’dactuallygothroughwithitornot.Mydoubtsonlygrewstrongerwhensheaskedifwecouldjustlookatclothesforawhileinstead.ButeventuallywemadeourwaytoClaire’s,andshelookedatthevariousstarterearringoptionsandweighedthedecisionascarefullyasI’veeverseenherthinkaboutanything.Thenshespottedapairofsparklygreenearringsthatseemedtoeraseallherdoubts.

Ultimatelythedesireforthoseearringsoutweighedherfears.Itoldthesalesgirlwewerereadytoproceedwiththepiercing.AndsoshebegantomarkCaroline’sears.

I’veneverseenapersonlookmoresolemnornervous.AndIfeltlikemyownheartwasabouttojumpoutofmychest.Iknew

exactlywhatshewasfeeling,andIwantedtoprotectherfromthefearandhelpherconqueritallatthesametime.Abouttwosecondslater,theysqueezedthetriggers,andsheofficiallyhadpiercedears.

Sheletoutaloudgasp.Iheldmybreath,notsureifshewasgoingtocryorscreamorcompletelyfreakout.Andthenshesaid,“Thatdidn’thurtatall!”I’mnotsureifthatwastotallytrue,butIthinkhercompletegiddinessoverhernew,sparklygreenearringstrumpedanypain.Shejumpedonmeandhuggedme,sofullofjoyandexcitement.Andmyheartalmostcouldn’ttakeit.

ItoldheramilliontimeshowproudIwasofherforfacingherfearsandtriedtoturnitintoalifelessonabouthowsometimestheanticipationofathingisworsethantheactualevent.Buthonestly,Ithinkthat’salessonshealreadyknows.SheapproacheslifewithakindoffearlessnessI’veneverknown.

Myprayerforheristhatshewillbelikethosesparklygreenearringsshechoseatthemallthatday.Shiny,happy,andcolorful,withablindingglimmereverytimetheycatchthelight.Whensheenteredourlives,itturnedourblack-and-whiteworldintoaplacefilledwithunimaginablecolorandsparkle.Daniel12:3saysthatthosewhoarewisewill“shinelikethebrightnessoftheheavens,andthosewholeadmanytorighteousness,likethestarsforeverandever.”

IwanthertocatchthelightofJesusChristandneverletgo.LastMother’sDayoneofourworshipleaderswastheguestspeaker.She

talkedaboutmotherhood,andonethingshesaidhasstuckwithme:“Whenweloosenourgrip,hetightenshis.”

IknowI’vemadesomemistakeswithCaroline,andI’msureI’llmakemore,buthedoesn’tmakemistakes.Helovesunconditionally.Hisplansandpurposesareperfect.Hecreatedherwithapurposeandaplanforthistime,forthisgeneration.

MyjobistostrivetoleadhertohimineverythingIdo.ToshowherthateventhoughtherearetimesIcan’tbethereandtimes(likefromtheagesof

twelvetoeighteen)she’llactlikeshedoesn’tnecessarilywantmethere,Godisalwaysthere.Watching,catching,loving,andmoldingherintothepersonshewascreatedtobe.She’ssaferinhisgripthanshe’lleverbeinmine.

Hehascreatedmorepersonalityinmygirl’slittlebodythanahumanbeingshouldbeallowed.Ican’twaittoseewhathedoeswithit.

EveniftherearetimesI’llneedtocryalittlebitinmycar.Whileeatingachocolatedonut.MotheringCarolineisthegreatestjoyI’veeverknown.Themostimportant

thingI’lleverdo.AndIlovehermorethanshe’lleverknow.Atleastuntilshehasachildofherown.

Acknowledgments

Ican’tevenpretendthatthisbookwouldhavehappenedwithoutthesupportandloveofthefollowingpeople.Imean,Icouldpretend,butitwouldbealie.AndifI’mgoingtostartlying,I’llstartwithmyweightormyage.

Perry:PartofthereasonIfinallysatdownandwrotethisbookisbecauseyouneverquitasking,“Whenareyougoingtowritethatbook?”Yes,itgotonmynerves,butIloveyouforit.Youhelpmefindthelaughterineverything.There’snooneI’drathersharethislifewith.

DadandCherrie:Ihopethismakesyoufeellikeyou’vegottensomekindofreturnontheinvestmentyoumadeinmycollegeeducation,sinceIknowmygradesdidn’taccomplishthat.Iloveyoubothsomuch.Thanksforalwaysseeingthebestinmeandforteachingmetolovewithmywholeheart.TherearefewthingsIlovemorethanwatchingthewayCarolinelightsupwhenherMimiandBopswalkintotheroom.

Gulley:ThankyouforconvincingmethatifPaulBlart:MallCopcouldbethenumberonemovieinAmerica,thentherewasamarketforthisbook,becausethatmoviewasaclearsignthatweliveinaworldwherepeoplearedesperateforareasontolaugh.Youhavealwaysbelievedinme,andyou’ve

savedmehundredsofthousandsofdollarsintherapy.Iloveyoumorethanmyluggage.

Amy:I’msogladyouaremysister.IneverwouldhaveshoweredduringCaroline’sfirstyearoflifeifyouhadn’tbeensuchagreataunt.Iloveyou.

HoneyandBig:I’mthankfulthatyoutookmeinandallowedmetostayandeatyourfoodandsleepinyourbedsalltheseyears.

Sophie:I’msogladwemetontheInternet.AndI’mstillamazedthatithappenedtotwointrovertswhosometimespretendtobeextroverts.Thankyouforalltheencouragementandforlisteningtometalkallthoseyearsabout“thebook”Iwasgoingtowrite“someday.”

JenniferClouse:YouarethebravestpersonIknow.AndIcan’tthankyouenoughforputtingonyourconsultanthatwhenIwastryingtofigureoutcoverart.Iloveyou.

BirthdayClub:Y’allaremysanity.Thanksforbeingsoexcitedforme.Here’stomanymoreyearsofmonthlyMexicanfoodtogether.

Bill:IknewthefirsttimeImetyouthatourpathswouldcrossagain.I’mthankfulthatIfinallysentthate-mailtotherightaddress.YouarethebestagentIcouldeverhopeforandtheonlyreasonIwaseverabletofigureouthowtowriteabookproposal.

Stephanie:Youhavemadethisbookbetterthaniteverwouldhavebeenwithoutyou.Ilovehavingyouasmyeditor.AndIlovesaying,“Ihaveaneditor.”Itsoundsveryprofessional.

LisaJacksonandtheTyndaleteam:Iamgratefultoallofyoufortakingachanceonme.IknewTyndalewastherightchoice,butIhadnoideahowrightuntilImetyouallinpersonandknewI’dfoundmypeople.

Myblogreaders:Theencouragementandsupporty’allhavegivenmeovertheyearsoverwhelmme.ThankyouforshowingupeverydaytoreadwhatIwrite.

And,mostofall,God:Iamhumbledbyyourloveformeandbythemercyandgraceyoucontinuetopouroutonthisundeservingsoul.

AbouttheAuthor

MelanieShanklewasinfourthgradewhenherteacheraskedhertoreadaloudastoryshehadwrittentotheentireclass.Eventhoughthatstorynowseemsalittlesillyandsimplistic,itmadethestudentsinMrs.Rice’shomeroomlaughoutloud,andalittledreambeganinMelanie’sheart—adreamtousewordstomakepeoplelaugh.

Overtheensuingyears,Melaniewrotewhenshehadachanceandtuckedthingsawayinnotebooksandjournals,rarelyshowinganyofittoanyone.ButinJuly2005,onatotalwhimandindesperateneedofacreativeoutlet,shebeganwritingablogcalledBigMama.NoonewasmoreshockedthanMelaniewhensomeoneotherthanherdadandhercollegeroommatebegantoreadit.

SincethattimeMelaniehasseenherblogreadershipgrowbeyondherwildestdreamsandopenthedoorstowritingandspeakingopportunitiesshenevercouldhaveimagined.It’sproofthatGodwasn’tplayingaroundwhenheinspiredPaultowriteEphesians3:20.Itis“immeasurablymore”thanshecouldhaveaskedorimagined.

Inadditiontoherblog,MelaniewritesaquarterlycolumnforthepopularonlinemagazinePraiseandCoffee,isaregularcontributortothePioneer

Woman’sblog,andservesasco-administratorandwriterforLifeWayWomen’sAllAccessblog.ShealsoservesasemceeforLifeWay’sannualDotMomeventandparticipatesinCompassionInternational’sbloggerinitiative.

AgraduateofTexasA&MUniversityandaformerpharmaceuticalrep,Melanieloveswriting,shoppingatTarget,lookingtoseewhat’sonsaleatAnthropologie,andencouragingothermomsinahumorousyetrelatablewayattheBigMamaBlog.com.

Mostofall,shelovesbeingthemotherofCarolineandthewifeofherhusband,Perry.ThethreeofthemliveinSanAntonio,Texas,withtheirtwoelderlydogs.ShealsobelievessheowesadebtofgratitudetoMrs.Riceformakingherreadthatstoryoutloudallthoseyearsago.