STARCHILDJUNE 2010

Father’s Day Edition

Co-Parenting101

when disappointment

manifests

Dr. Saiya Dubois

HARDBOTTOMSHEELSand

Father’s Daybridging the gap

While this issue pretty much wrote itself, I must admit creating it was a bit of a challenge. When Mother’s Day rolls around we all can wax poetic and give our moms the highest praise. Even if they aren’t the best mom in the world, on Mother’s Day you surely cannot tell.

But let Father’s Day roll around and many of us are left with mixed emotions. Sons and daughters of broken homes find themselves reflect-ing negatively on the day. Wishing they would have had a relationship with dad that would cause them to have warm fuzzies on Father’s Day.

Granted, there are ALOT of men who have successfully taken on the challenge of fatherhood. StarChild commends you all! This issue will reflect various sides of father’s and how we feel about them. This issue is also intended to help bridge the gap between “co-parents” (formerly known as “baby mamas and baby daddies”). It breaks my heart to know that children who were conceived in love are now being raised by parents that dwell in spaces of hate. For all parents who wish they had a better relationship with their child’s other parent, we hope to offer some solid tips on how to begin that process. A special thanks to Dr. Saiya Dubois for her contributed pieces on co-parenting.

As always it is our hope that you are inspired by this issue. Nothing would please me more than to know that someone walked away from reading this issue, a little wiser, a little more patient, and with a stronger resolve to be a better parent and co-parent.

If you have any comments or feedback, I’d love to hear from you. bda@starchildmagazine.com is how you can reach me.

In the interim, read and be blessed.

Sincerely,B.da Oso StarChild

Cover photo provided by: Kevin Dukes Photography

www.facebook.com/bda.starchildwww.facebook.com/bda.starchild

As Father’s D

ay fast approaches, many of us wonder where this holiday originated. Is it an ancient religious celebration that took on a secular appearance?

Or is it just the yang to M

other’s D

ay’s

yin; a day to make sure dads also have their due?

The answer lies somewhere in the middle.

Although Father’s D

ay is celebrated in countries around the world and has been for a tim

e, its

roots are not nearly as ancient as M

other’s D

ay. The Rom

an C

atholics, for example, acknowledge fathers on S

t. Joseph’s D

ay, which falls on March 19. They have done so for a time. In Thailand,

fathers are celebrated on the current king’s birthday. A

set day for dads and dads alone, however, did not exist prior to the 20th century.So, where did all the pomp and circum

stance com

e from?In

the United States, the first celebration of Father’s D

ay is said to have taken place on July 5, 1908, following a mine explosion that killed more than 350 m

en. Despite the 1908 celebration, m

any

credit Sonora S

mart Dodd for really getting this holiday on the calendar. Ms. D

odd was inspired by A

nna Jarvis’ efforts to establish a Mother’s D

ay holiday. Dodd’s own father raised six children on

his own – a feat w

orthy of celebration! M

s. D

odd’s desire to see Father’s D

ay becom

e a recognized holiday began w

ith the first celebration on June 19, 1910. Following those celebrations, others

began to take place. B

y 1924, President Calvin Coolidge had recom

mended it as a national holiday. Lyndon Johnson, however, is the one w

ho set the date as the third S

unday in June in 1966. It

wasn’t until R

ichard N

ixon took office, however, that this holiday becam

e officially recognized.

While Father’s D

ay doesn’t have the historical roots that Mother’s D

ay boasts, this special occasion is

one that w

arms hearts all over A

merica. A

s you do your shopping for that guy in your life who gave you everything, remem

ber,

dads deserve a lot of credit, too!As Father’s D

ay fast approaches,

many of us wonder where this holiday originated. Is it an ancient religious celebration that took on a secular appearance?

Or is it just the yang to M

other’s D

ay’s yin; a day to m

ake sure dads

also have their due?

The answer lies somewhere in the middle.

Although Father’s D

ay is celebrated in countries around the world and has been for a tim

e, its roots are not nearly as ancient as

Mother’s D

ay. The Rom

an C

atholics, for example, acknowledge fathers on S

t. Joseph’s D

ay, which falls on March 19. They have done so for a time. In Thailand, fathers are celebrated on the

current king’s birthday. A

set day for dads and dads alone, however, did not exist prior to the 20th century.So, where did all the pomp and circum

stance com

e from?In the U

nited States, the first

celebration of Father’s D

ay is said to have taken place on July 5, 1908, following a mine explosion that killed more than 350 m

en. Despite the 1908 celebration, m

any credit Sonora S

mart Dodd

for really getting this holiday on the calendar. Ms. D

odd was inspired by A

nna Jarvis’ efforts to establish a Mother’s D

ay holiday. Dodd’s own father raised six children on his own – a feat w

orthy

of celebration! M

s. D

odd’s desire to see Father’s D

ay becom

e a recognized holiday began w

ith the first celebration on June 19, 1910. Following those celebrations, others began to take place. By

1924, President Calvin Coolidge had recom

mended it as a national holiday. Lyndon Johnson, however, is the one w

ho set the date as the third S

unday in June in 1966. It wasn’t until R

ichard

Nixon took office, however, that this holiday becam

e officially recognized.

While Father’s D

ay doesn’t have the historical roots that Mother’s D

ay boasts, this special occasion is one that w

arms

hearts all over A

merica. A

s you do your shopping for that guy in your life who gave you everything, remem

ber,

dads deserve a lot of credit, too!As Father’s D

ay fast approaches, many of us

wonder where this holiday originated. Is it an ancient religious celebration that took on a secular appearance?

Or is it just the yang to M

other’s D

ay’s yin; a day to m

ake sure dads also have

their due? The answer lies somewhere in the middle.

Although Father’s D

ay is celebrated in countries around the world and has been for a tim

e, its roots are not nearly as ancient as M

other’s

Day. The Rom

an C

atholics, for example, acknowledge fathers on S

t. Joseph’s D

ay, which falls on March 19. They have done so for a time. In Thailand, fathers are celebrated on the current king’s

birthday. A

set day for dads and dads alone, however, did not exist prior to the 20th century.So, where did all the pomp and circum

stance com

e from?In the U

nited States, the first celebration of

Father’s D

ay is said to have taken place on July 5, 1908, following a mine explosion that killed more than 350 m

en. Despite the 1908 celebration, m

any credit Sonora S

mart Dodd for really getting

this holiday on the calendar. Ms. D

odd was inspired by A

nna Jarvis’ efforts to establish a Mother’s D

ay holiday. Dodd’s own father raised six children on his own – a feat w

orthy of celebration!

Ms. D

odd’s desire to see Father’s D

ay becom

e a recognized holiday began w

ith the first celebration on June 19, 1910. Following those celebrations, others began to take place. By 1924, P

resident

Calvin Coolidge had recom

mended it as a national holiday. Lyndon Johnson, however, is the one w

ho set the date as the third S

unday in June in 1966. It wasn’t until R

ichard N

ixon took office,

however, that this holiday becam

e officially recognized. While Father’s D

ay doesn’t have the historical roots that Mother’s D

ay boasts, this special occasion is one that w

arms hearts all over America.

As you do your shopping for that guy in your life w

ho gave you everything, remem

ber,

dads deserve a lot of credit, too!As Father’s D

ay fast approaches, many of us wonder where this holiday

originated. Is it an ancient religious celebration that took on a secular appearance?

Or is it just the yang to M

other’s D

ay’s yin; a day to m

ake sure dads also have their due? The answer lies

somewhere in the middle. Although Father’s D

ay is celebrated in countries around the world and has been for a tim

e, its roots are not nearly as ancient as M

other’s D

ay. The Rom

an C

atholics,

for exam

ple, acknowledge fathers on S

t. Joseph’s D

ay, which falls on March 19. They have done so for a time. In Thailand, fathers are celebrated on the current king’s birthday. A

set day for

dads and dads alone, however, did not exist prior to the 20th century.So, where did all the pomp and circum

stance com

e from?In the U

nited States, the first celebration of Father’s D

ay is said to

have taken place on July 5, 1908, following a mine explosion that killed more than 350 m

en. Despite the 1908 celebration, m

any credit Sonora S

mart Dodd for really getting this holiday on the

calendar. Ms. D

odd was inspired by A

nna Jarvis’ efforts to establish a Mother’s D

ay holiday. Dodd’s own father raised six children on his own – a feat w

orthy of celebration! M

s. D

odd’s desire to

see Father’s D

ay becom

e a recognized holiday began w

ith the first celebration on June 19, 1910. Following those celebrations, others began to take place. By 1924, P

resident C

alvin Coolidge had

recommended it as a national holiday. Lyndon Johnson, however, is the one w

ho set the date as the third S

unday in June in 1966. It wasn’t until R

ichard N

ixon took office, however, that this

holiday becam

e officially recognized. While Father’s D

ay doesn’t have the historical roots that Mother’s D

ay boasts, this special occasion is one that w

arms hearts all over A

merica. A

s you do your

shopping for that guy in your life who gave you everything, remem

ber,

dads deserve a lot of credit, too!As Father’s D

ay fast approaches, many of us wonder where this holiday originated. Is it an

ancient religious celebration that took on a secular appearance?

Or is it just the yang to M

other’s D

ay’s yin; a day to m

ake sure dads also have their due?

The answer lies somewhere in the

middle.

Although Father’s D

ay is celebrated in countries around the world and has been for a tim

e, its roots are not nearly as ancient as M

other’s D

ay. The Rom

an C

atholics, for example,

acknowledge fathers on S

t. Joseph’s D

ay, which falls on March 19. They have done so for a time. In Thailand, fathers are celebrated on the current king’s birthday. A

set day for dads and dads

alone, however, did not exist prior to the 20th century.So, where did all the pomp and circum

stance com

e from?In the U

nited States, the first celebration of Father’s D

ay is said to have taken place

on July 5, 1908, following a mine explosion that killed more than 350 m

en. Despite the 1908 celebration, m

any credit Sonora S

mart Dodd for really getting this holiday on the calendar. Ms. D

odd

was inspired by A

nna Jarvis’ efforts to establish a Mother’s D

ay holiday. Dodd’s own father raised six children on his own – a feat w

orthy of celebration! M

s. D

odd’s desire to see Father’s D

ay

become a recognized holiday began w

ith the first celebration on June 19, 1910. Following those celebrations, others began to take place. By 1924, P

resident C

alvin Coolidge had recom

mended it as

a national holiday. Lyndon Johnson, however, is the one w

ho set the date as the third S

unday in June in 1966. It wasn’t until R

ichard N

ixon took office, however, that this holiday becam

e officially

recognized. W

hile Father’s D

ay doesn’t have the historical roots that Mother’s D

ay boasts, this special occasion is one that w

arms hearts all over A

merica. A

s you do your shopping for that guy in

your life w

ho gave you everything, remem

ber,

dads deserve a lot of credit, too!As Father’s D

ay fast approaches, many of us wonder where this holiday originated. Is it an ancient religious

celebration that took on a secular appearance?

Or is it just the yang to M

other’s D

ay’s yin; a day to m

ake sure dads also have their due?

The answer lies somewhere in the middle. Although

Father’s D

ay is celebrated in countries around the world and has been for a tim

e, its roots are not nearly as ancient as M

other’s D

ay. The Rom

an C

atholics, for example, acknowledge fathers on

St. Joseph’s D

ay, which falls on March 19. They have done so for a time. In Thailand, fathers are celebrated on the current king’s birthday. A

set day for dads and dads alone, however, did not

exist prior to the 20th century.So, where did all the pomp and circum

stance com

e from?In the U

nited States, the first celebration of Father’s D

ay is said to have taken place on July 5, 1908,

following a mine explosion that killed more than 350 m

en. Despite the 1908 celebration, m

any credit Sonora S

mart Dodd for really getting this holiday on the calendar. Ms. D

odd was inspired by

Anna Jarvis’ efforts to establish a Mother’s D

ay holiday. Dodd’s own father raised six children on his own – a feat w

orthy of celebration! M

s. D

odd’s desire to see Father’s D

ay becom

e a

recognized holiday began w

ith the first celebration on June 19, 1910. Following those celebrations, others began to take place. By 1924, P

resident C

alvin Coolidge had recom

mended it as a national

As Father’s Day fast approaches, many of us wonder where this holiday originated. Is it an ancient religious celebration that took on a secular

appearance? Or is it just the yang to Mother’s Day’s yin; a day to make sure dads also have their due?

The answer lies somewhere in the middle.

Although Father’s Day is celebrated in countries around the world and has been for a time, its roots are not nearly as ancient as Mother’s Day. The Roman Catholics, for example, acknowledge fathers on St. Joseph’s Day, which falls on March 19. They have done so for a time. In Thailand, fathers are celebrated on

the current king’s birthday. A set day for dads and dads alone, however, did not exist prior to the 20th century.

So, where did all the pomp and circumstance come from?In the United States, the first celebration of Father’s Day is said to have taken

place on July 5, 1908, following a mine explosion that killed more than 350 men.

Despite the 1908 celebration, many credit Sonora Smart Dodd for really getting this holiday on the calendar. Ms. Dodd was inspired by Anna Jarvis’ efforts to establish a Mother’s Day holiday. Dodd’s own father raised six children on his

own – a feat worthy of celebration! Ms. Dodd’s desire to see Father’s Day become a recognized holiday began with the first celebration on June 19, 1910.

Following those celebrations, others began to take place. By 1924, President Calvin Coolidge had recommended it as a national holiday. Lyndon Johnson,

however, is the one who set the date as the third Sunday in June in 1966. It wasn’t until Richard Nixon took office, however, that this holiday became

officially recognized.

While Father’s Day doesn’t have the historical roots that Mother’s Day boasts, this special occasion is one that warms hearts all over America. As you do your shopping for that guy in your life who gave you everything, remember, dads

deserve a lot of credit, too!

HAVE A VERY HAPPY FATHER’S DAY GUYS!

- RANDY GARDNER “Romeo“ www.gottohaveitromanticgiftcreations.com

The Origin of

Father’s Day

Fathers: A Consistent Presence

Are you there for your kids? Really there? Or are you just going through the motions? I want to share with you how dads—even divorced dads—can establish a “consistent presence” in their children’s lives.

For too many fathers, home is where they eat, sleep, and do their best to keep the noise level down. Day-to-day parenting is often left to their wives. These dads have convinced themselves that their presence or absence has little impact on the family.

Well, you and I both know, they’re wrong.

Your children are very aware of you and your habits, your actions, your temperament and even your level of commitment to them. It doesn’t matter if you’re tinkering in the garage, reading the paper in your easy chair, or calling home from Boston. Your presence is felt deeply. Many single moms have noted, that even when a father dies or deserts his family, his presence is felt as if he were still there.

Every day there are decisions to be made, crises to handle, and wounded egos to soothe, and Dads have a role in each one.

Obviously, you can’t take care of a skinned knee when you’re in a board meeting or on an assembly line, but you can still connect with your wife every day about each one of your children—even if that means calling home from Boise just to ask “How’s Joey doing?” Your children need to know that you know. They care that you care.

And, dad, divorce makes it even more challenging. Being limited to occasional visits and long-distance calls is tough and unfulfilling at best. Divorce breeds insecurity in children and their non-custodial parent.

Your first priority is to be consistent with your scheduled custody visits and child-support payments. After that, extra calls, notes, and remembering the things that are important to your child can give you a rock solid “presence” in their life.

And, you know what? That’s good advice for all dads. We need to be there for the routine—building patterns, traditions, and memories. But we also need to be aware of things that are out of the routine - recitals, big games, tough classes, favorite toys, romances, break-ups, fears, hopes and dreams.

Dad, one the best presents you can give to your family is your “presence.”

Ken Canfieldwww.fathers.com

I remember being 8 years old and waiting on my father to come and pick me up to take me to the carnival. With visions of Tilt-A-Whirls and Bumper Cars dancing through my head, I was thoroughly geeked and impatient. I couldn’t wait to conquer these rides with my dad!

He came and scooped me, and to-gether we headed to the carnival. My little heart pounded ferociously the entire way, anticipating all of the fun my dad and I would soon have. Once there, we stopped at the ticket booth. My eyes lit up when the cashier slid 2 sheets of tickets under the partition. I looked around the carnival anxiously, trying to decide which ride we should get on first. Before I could decide, however, my father hands me the tickets and $10. He says, “I’ll be in the beer gar-den if you need me, okay?”

My heart, which had currently been on cloud 9 with anticipation and excitement, felt like it had landed on a rain cloud. I was too young to really interpret the feel-ing. I was also too young to know about placing my hand on my hip, rolling my neck, and saying in my best b-girl accent

“What you MEAN you’re going to be in the beer garden? Who am I supposed to ride these rides with?”

Instead, I passively shook my head to acknowledge that I understood and watched him get little towards the beer garden. The rain cloud feeling still had my heart on lock, but once I got on that first ride (I think I chose the Tilt-a-Whirl), I didn’t even miss him. Or at least that is what I thought, then.

Fast forward 25 years…the 8-year-old carnival freak is now a 33 year old, grown, independent woman who just got off the phone with a co-worker. The co-worker

just got done telling me that she did not complete a mandatory project; a project that I am managing. A project that I knew without a certainty of a doubt would be completed and successfully so, by her. A project that, at the end of the day, HAS to be done.

Since I’m grown now, my first instinct is to place my hand on my hip, roll my neck, and ask this chick in my best b-girl accent “What do you MEAN you didn’t finish the project?” But as she wallows through her lame excuse, I accept the fact that the onus is on me to get it done at this point so late in the game. That rain cloud feeling sets in, but as soon as I start on the project, I convince myself that I am going to do a better job than she would have done. Or at least that is the rationalized lie I tell myself to be able to complete the project.

Once the project is complete, I send my new guy a suggestive text message; Lord KNOWS I’m going to need some TLC after the day I have just had! An hour passes and he has not responded. I check my sent messages to make sure it went through (it did), but I re-send it anyway, you know, just in case. 2 hours later and still no word from him. I pick up the phone and call him. No answer. I’m al-ready pissed, having had to do that project, and now this guy wants to act unfamiliar? I place my hand on my hip, purse my lips and ready myself for his voicemail to come on. Wouldn’t you know, his voice-mail box has not yet been set up. I hang up the phone, aggravated. The whole day passes with no word from him. There goes that rain cloud feeling once again. Before it kicks in full throttle, however, another cutie from my roster gives me a call. I

When Disappointment

by: epiphany jones

lay the flirts on thick. He and I plan to hook up later, and I convince myself that spending the evening with him is going to be a thousand times more fun than had I spent it with my main squeeze. That is the rationalized lie I tell myself to gloss over the fact that my main guy is acting out of character.

I guess by now it’s evident that what I call ‘the rain cloud’ feeling is an emotional and totally made up saying for disap-pointment. I was force-fed this emotion at an early age. Not liking the way it felt, I quickly comprised a coping technique that took the focus off of the person who was doing the disappointing (because to focus on them would cause me pain) and instead empowered me to make the best of the situation, despite their a**hole-ishness. I’ve been acquainted with the phrase, “You can’t change anyone but yourself” for a long time now. And I guess I have taken that to heart by not holding people ac-countable when they disappoint. Rather, I govern myself accordingly and make the best of the situation.

Throughout the years, this coping mechanism has evolved into passive-aggressiveness. So for example, in the case of the co-worker who stuck me with the project?

I didn’t assert myself, I didn’t hold her accountable, I didn’t get an attitude, and I did rock the assignment. However, when the tables turned and she was on dead-line, and she was blowing my phone up and sending me several emails to try and urgently get something to the Client; I

“conveniently” had to attend a meeting and was unable to get back with her by the time her project was due. Oh yeah, did I mention that ‘meeting’ was really a 2-hour lunchbreak/shopping excursion at Macy’s? The whole time I was trying on clothes I laughed as I thought of her running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Did I feel bad? Not at all. I felt vindicated.

I realized I had this problem bad when I decided to pledge in college. On one par-ticular night the big sisters had us clean the bathroom with toothbrushes, locked us in a dark room and beat us, tried to force my

line sister to eat her own vomit, and made us pass a raw egg from mouth to mouth. All of this brutality and then they had the AUDACITY to make us cook and serve them breakfast the following morning. I was in charge of making the scrambled eggs. I added a little “Shug Avery Pee” if you know what I mean. (Note: refer to The Color Purple if that went over your head).

While my line sisters huffed and puffed their way through cooking the meal, after I had spit in their eggs, I was straight. Cooked it and served it up with the dopest calm.

Is this behavior right? Not at all. Do I like being this way? Nope, not hardly. By nature I am non-confrontational. Cussing you out is not an easy option. Why expend that energy and argue and point fingers when I can inflict some sort of subliminal harm to you and have the last silent laugh as I watch you unknowingly rot?

I know it sounds harsh. But breaking my heart is harsh. Disappointing me is harsh. Lying to me is harsh. Treating me like I don’t matter is harsh. Rendering me helpless is harsh. Pretending I don’t exist is harsh. Cheating on me is harsh. Just because I don’t up and act a fool every time someone wrongs me, does not mean their deeds go unpunished. I silently exact revenge. When I hurt, I go Keyser Soze on ‘em…they don’t know what happened and never saw me coming.

Screaming and cussing? That’s laugh-able and expected. It’s the quiet b*tch that’s the scary b*tch….and you can tell them I said it.

(Note: Please do not incorporate her strategies, as she is aware they are dysfunctional and is looking to change)

Sins of the FatherI look in the mirror and I see him, sort ofA lil’ bit of his nose, his lips...everything else, I’m not sure ofBut I can’t look too long or those thoughts ariseIt’s like a hurricane in my mind when me and my reflection lock eyesAm I him? Is that who I’m gonna be?Is that my fate? Is that my destiny?Now I ain’t sayin’ he’s the worst, in fact I love him tonsBut are the sins of the fathers a curse to their sons?

I speak to my mother, and I hear him, sort ofHis accent, his tone, everything else, I'm not sure ofBut when agitation arrives, I mute the voice from my ears'Cuz the volume of his rage is all I can hearAm I him? Is that who I'm gonna be?Is that my fate? Is that my destiny?Now I ain't sayin' he's the worst, in fact, he's all there isBut are the sins of the fathers the weight to be beared by his kids?

Sometimes I get angry, and I feel him, sort ofClenched jaws, tight fists, everything else, I'm not sure ofI'm scared to death to fight and honestly, I don't even like to playNot 'cuz I'm weak but because I'm afraid I'll turn into him one dayAm I him? Is that who I'm gonna be? (No.)Is that my fate? Is that my destiny? (I refuse.)Now I ain't callin' him the worst, in fact, he's all I knowBut are the sins of the fathers why our mothers let us go?

I feel down and out, and I have his presence, rarelyI see him once a year, for 17 years, but he knows me barelyAwkward silences are normal, it's like we ten years behindIt feels so strange bein' familiar and strangers at the same timeBut the question I wanna ask, the answer I need to knowIs the one I cannot grasp, the emotion I cannot show'Cuz it takes a strong connection or else my tears cannot flowSee in my mind I wonder "was I an accident? Why'd you let me go?""How could you beat my mother? Leave us without a home?"But I never cry, can't even get angry, all I do is turn coldI want LOVE, to prove I am NOT you, that's why it's only love I choose to showSo that the sins of my father might finally let me go.

By: Christian C. Cohi l l

http://www.facebook.com/Christian.Cohill

Co-Parenting101Cooperative parenting with your ex can give your children continued

stability and close relationships with both parents—but it certainly isn’t easy. In reality, putting aside relationship issues to co-parent amicably can be extremely stressful and difficult.

Despite the many challenges, though, it is possible to initiate and maintain a cordial working relationship with your ex for the sake of your children. You have the power to remain calm, stay consistent, and avoid or effectively resolve conflict with your ex—all in the name of putting your children’s needs first.

Joint custody arrangements, especially after an acrimonious split, can be exhausting and infuriating. It can be exceedingly difficult to get past the history of hurts and built-up resentment you may have with your ex. Making shared decisions, seeing one another at drop-offs, or just speak-ing to someone you’d rather just forget can seem like impossible tasks. But while it’s true that co-parenting isn’t an uncomplicated or perfect solution, it’s the best way to get your children’s needs met and ensure their closeness to both of you.

It may be tough going, especially at first, but you can learn to ef-fectively co-parent and still keep your sanity and self-respect. It can be helpful to begin thinking of your relationship with your ex as a completely new one—one that is entirely about the well being of your children, and not about either of you. Your marriage may be over, but your family is not; doing what is best for your kids is your most impor-tant priority. The first step to being a mature, responsible co-parent is to always put your children’s needs ahead of your own.

The key to co-parenting is focusing on your child—and your child only. It means that your own emotions—any anger, resentment, or hurt—must take a back seat to the needs of your children. Admittedly, setting aside such strong feelings may be the hardest part of learning to work coop-eratively with your ex, but it’s also perhaps the most vital. Co-parenting is not about your feelings, or those of your ex spouse, but rather about your child’s happiness, stability, and future.

You may never completely lose all of your resentment or bitterness about your break up, but what you can do is compartmentalize that and remind yourself that those are your issues, not your child’s. Resolve to keep your issues with your ex away from your children.

• NEVER USE KIDS AS MESSENGERS. When you have your child tell the other parent something for you, it puts him or her in the center of your conflict. The goal is to keep your child out of your relationship issues, so call or email your ex yourself.

• KEEP YOUR ISSUES TO YOURSELF. Never say negative things about your ex to your children, or make them feel like they have to choose. Your child has a right to a relationship with his or her other parent that is free of your influence.

By: Dr. Saiya Dubois

Co-parenting is the best option for your children

Through your parenting partnership, your kids should recognize that they are more important than the conflict that ended the marriage—and understand that your love for them will prevail despite changing circumstances. Kids whose divorced parents have a cooperative relationship: • FEELSECURE. When confident of the love of both parents, kids ad-just more quickly and easily to divorce and have better self esteem. • BENEFITFROMCONSISTENCY. Co-parenting fosters similar rules, dis-cipline, and rewards between households, so children know what to expect, and what’s expected of them.• BETTERUNDERSTANDPROBLEMSOLVING. Children who see parents continue to work together are more likely to learn how to effectively and peacefully solve problems. • HAVEAHEALTHYEXAMPLETOFOLLOW. By cooperating with the other parent, you are establishing a life pattern your children can carry into the future.

Separating feelings from behavior

It’s okay to be hurt and angry, but your feelings don’t have to dictate your behavior. Instead, let what’s best for your kids—you working cooperatively with the other parent—motivate your actions. • GETYOURFEELINGSOUT-SOMEWHEREELSE. Friends, therapists, or even a loving pet can all make good listeners when you need to get negative feelings off your chest. Exercise can also be a healthy outlet for letting off steam. Never vent to your child.• STAYKID-FOCUSED. If you feel angry or resentful, try to remember why you need to act with purpose and grace: your child’s best interests are at stake. If your anger feels overwhelming, looking at a photograph of your child may help you calm down.• USEYOURBODY. Consciously putting your shoulders down, breath-ing evenly and deeply, and standing erect can keep you distracted from your anger, and can have a relaxing effect.

Improving the relationship with your ex

If you are truly ready to rebuild trust after a separation or divorce, be sincere about your efforts. Remember your children’s best interests as you move forward to improve your relationship.• ASKHISORHEROPINION. This fairly simple technique can effec-tively jump-start positive communications between you and your ex. Take an issue that you don’t feel strongly about, and ask for your ex’s input, showing that you value his or her input.• APOLOGIZE. In the case that there is something you’re sorry about, take the time to genuinely apologize—even if it happened a long time ago. Apologies can be very powerful in moving your relationship away from being adversaries.• CHILLOUT. If a special outing with your ex is going to cut into your time with your child by an hour, graciously let it be. Remember that it’s all about what is best for your child; plus, when you show flexibility, your ex is more likely to be flexible with you.

Co-Parentingcommunicating with your ex

Peaceful, consistent, and purposeful communication with your ex is essential to the success of co-parenting—even though it may seem absolutely impossible. It all begins with your mindset. Think about communication with your ex as having the highest purpose: your child’s well being. Before contact with your ex, ask yourself how your talk will affect your child, and resolve to conduct yourself with class. Make your child the focal point of every discussion you have with your ex-partner.

No matter what, communication with your ex is going to be a tough task. Remember that it isn’t necessary to meet in person—speaking over the phone or exchanging emails is fine for the majority of conversations. The goal is conflict-free communication, so see which type of contact works best for you. Whether on email, phone, or in person, the following methods can help you initiate and maintain effective communication:

• SET A BUSINESS-LIKE TONE. Approach the relationship with your ex as a business partnership where your “business” is your chil-dren’s healthy adjustment and well-being. Speak or write to your ex as you would a colleague—with cordiality, respect, and neutrality. Relax and talk slowly. • MAKE REQUESTS. Instead of making statements, which can be misinterpreted as demands, try framing as much as you can as requests. Requests can begin “Would you be willing to…?” or “Can we try…?” • LISTEN. Communicating with maturity starts with listening. Even if you end up disagreeing with the other parent, you should at least be able to convey to him or her that you’ve understood his or her point of view. And listening does not signify approval, so you won’t lose anything by allowing your ex to voice his or her opinions. • SHOW RESTRAINT. Keep in mind that communicating with one another is going to be necessary for the length of your children’s entire childhood—if not longer. You can train yourself to not overreact to your ex, and over time you can become numb to the buttons he or she tries to push.• COMMIT TO MEETING/TALKING CONSITENTLY. Frequent communication with your ex will convey the message to your children that you and their other parent are a united front. This may be extremely difficult in the early stages of your divorce or separation. • KEEP CONVERSATIONS KID-FOCUSED. You can control the content of your communication. Never let a discussion with your ex-partner be about your needs or his/her needs; it should always be about your child’s.

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.”

“We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.” ~Harmon Killebrew

Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!

~Lydia M. Child, Philothea: A Romance, 1836

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again.

~Enid Bagnold

I love my father as the stars - he’s a bright shining example and a happy twinkling in my heart.

~Terri Guillemets

A father carries pictures where his money used to be. ~Author Unknown

The greatest gift I ever hadCame from God; I call him Dad!

~Author Unknown

Two little girls, on their way home from Sunday school, were solemnly discussing the lesson. "Do you believe there is a devil?" asked one. "No," said the other promptly. "It's like

Santa Claus: it's your father." ~Ladies' Home Journal, quoted in 2,715 One-Line Quotations for

Speakers, Writers & Raconteurs by Edward F. Murphy

verbatimsverbatimsverbatims

How to Spend Like a Frugal

MillionaireKimberly Palmer

illionaires make up just 2 percent of the population. They get a bad rap during recessions for being wasteful with their money and are frequently used as examples of excess. It’s the

millionaires that you don’t see that you can learn from in times like these. I call them the frugal millionaires and interviewed 70 of them to uncover ways we can all be smarter with money.

Nearly 70 percent of the economy is based on consumer spending. To keep the economy going we need to keep spending but not waste money in the process. This is where the frugal millionaires come in. They’ve been smart with their money all along and haven’t lost it all and had to remake it. These are the kind of people you want to learn from when it comes to spending your money.

Spending philosophy.

Frugal millionaires are unique thinkers when it comes to spending money: 1) they can easily delay their need for gratification when purchasing; 2) they are resourceful in getting what they want by carefully timing their consumer purchases; 3) they make living below their means painless; 4) they don’t like wasting anything (especially money); 5) their sense of “self-entitlement” is highly minimized: and 6) spending is OK with them...depending on what they are buying (think: appreciating vs. depreciating assets).

Buying tips.

These millionaires keep more money than they spend, that’s why they are rich. Their tactics work for them so they’ll work even better for you. Key Point: They don’t view shopping as a sport. They shop efficiently and spend their time doing more important things with their lives. Here are their tips that will help you save while spending:

M

Cars: Buy used (or off lease) fuel-efficient cars, often with “certified pre-owned” warranties. This warranty can be better than a new car, plus the initial depreciation hit is avoided. Drive the car for a long time and never lease it.

Clothes: When you buy something new donate something used to charity. Buy traditional clothes, but wait for the off-season to acquire them. Go for high quality - not high price. Buy vintage clothing and avoid logo clothing and keep people guessing who the designer might be. Hint: There shouldn’t be one!

Consumer Electronics: Buy low-end gear that has the basic functionality of the more expensive stuff. Don’t be the first to buy new technology. Wait at least one lifecycle so the bugs are worked out. Buy refurbished electronics whenever possible.

Computers: Buy more mainstream computers with proven technology. Select higher capacity hard drives, a decent amount of RAM (the memory that the program runs in) and a cost effective processor. Super fast doesn’t always equal super good...unless you are building airplanes or bridges. Lap-tops are a good compromise between desktops and netbooks. Don’t go through the pain of upgrading operating systems on exist-ing computers, it’s not time efficient and you will probably go insane trying.

Going green: Being green and frugal go hand-in-hand. Yet frugal million-aires don’t readily fall for the trendy green hype machine. They typically buy green if it helps the environment and lowers their costs. They look at the timeframe when a product can pay for itself. They do use compact fluorescent lighting, turn off lights and equipment that isn’t being used, moni-tor AC and heat usage (with programmable thermostats), drive efficiently, live in “right-sized” homes and turn off the water when they aren’t brushing their teeth or wash-ing dishes. Because they have trained themselves to not waste money they won’t waste anything else either. They get into good habits and keep them going. You can, too.

PUSH PRESENTSBy: B.da Oso StarChild & Raijean Stroud

W hen my son was born 7 years ago, flowers seemed to be the obligatory gift from the new dad to his wife. Now it seems a new tradition has been ushered in where the old standards like flowers and teddy bears are out and the “push present” is in! Push presents are the latest gift-giving tradi-tion and commemorate the birth of a baby. The push present practice – long performed in countries such as England, Italy and India – has grown over the past few years, primarily by word-of-mouth. Once a new mother gets her gift, usually jewelry or some other lux gift, she tells her friends who pass on the idea to their husbands. Often, the keepsake turns into a timeless heirloom – passed down from mother to child and into future generations, often on a wedding day or other milestone. Celebrity trends have also helped to perpetuate this new form of gift-giving. For example, Ben

Affleck presented wife Jennifer Garner with pricey purple jewelry to commemorate the birth of their daughter, iolet. Sarah Jessica Parker, of “Sex and the City” fame, got a charm bracelet from hubby Matthew Broderick when son James made his debut. Most etiquette experts agree that there should be no monetary standard, but an “It’s a Boy!” balloon or bouquet of flowers from the hospital gift shop isn’t going to cut it. After all, these new mommies did endure nine months of preg-nancy and umpteen hours in labor pains. They deserve something heartfelt.

If you need somewhere to start, check out these primo push presents:

The IPad is for the tech savvy mom, she can do it all with this gadget. She can watch the baby and catch up on all the latest news, while plan-ning dinner! This is great for all those multi-tasker moms, and its small size allows her to take it everywhere her and baby goes.

This Tiffany bracelet is a beautiful yet simple bracelet, and makes a perfect gift for any new mom who wants to feel like her old self again. This bracelet can be dressed up or dressed down depending on the mom’s mood for that day.

The Gucci Diaper Bag is a must have for any fashionable mom. This bag compliments any outfit and is well deserved for all the hard labor she went through!

Gucci Diaper Bag$980.00www.saksfifthavenue.com

Return to Tiffany Bead Bracelet$125.00www.tiffany.com

Apple IPadstarting at $499.00www.apple.com

Gucci Diaper Bag$980.00www.saksfifthavenue.com

A Father Delayed...

remember a time when I didn’t celebrate Father’s Day. To me Father’s Day was just another Sunday. I would wish my uncle a Happy Father’s Day and when my first cousin became a father almost 18 years ago he would receive a Father’s Day call from me too, but up until a few years ago I never called my father on Father’s Day and not because I chose not to, but because he

wasn’t in my life for me to make that call. I had no idea where he was as a matter of fact!

You would think by reading the first para-graph that my father was just some random guy, but he wasn’t. My mother and father were married almost 5 years before I was born. Neither of my parents was considered young when I was born either. My mother was a month away from her 39th birthday and my fa-ther was 41 years old. My parents separated when I was 2 years old and for the next 18 years my father was absent from my life.

When I was 20 years old my mother called me home because I had received a letter from my father. I got home and read the letter and found out to my disappointment that my father had suc-cumbed to drug addiction during the years he was

not in my life. Needless to say it was a shock!

We would meet face to face weeks later. He actually stood me up the first time we were sup-posed to meet. He later admitted to being ner-vous and scared to meet me. For the next 7 years I made it a point to be very unforgiving to my father. I give my father a lot of credit though, because he always made a valiant effort towards mending our relationship, but I was determined to make things a challenge for my father.

At some point my ex- girlfriend’s mom told me that I needed to forgive my father. I was extremely bitter and angry inside for his absence of 18 years, but I took what she said to heart and prayed on it. I found it in my heart to forgive my father for ev-erything. After all, he was trying to make up for his mistakes by simply keep-ing his word on a regular basis! Till this day I credit my decision to forgive him the best decision I ever made!

My father and I have a wonderful relationship now! We talk at least twice a week and we see each other 4 to 5 times a year and that’s only because he resides in Milwaukee and I live

I

in Hammond, Indiana otherwise we would see each other more. I feel like we made amends right on time because my mother died of pancreatic cancer December 14, 2007. I think the wounds would have been much deeper if I had not had a good re-lationship with my father before she passed away. I would have felt parentless. My only regret is that I never got a chance to take a picture of me and both my parents together as an adult. I once found myself sitting in the middle of my parents at my moms house and when I realized it I almost broke down be-cause deep down I always wanted to have both my parents in my life. I truly love my father and I look at our situation as he was my father when I needed him to be my father the most. It wasn’t in God’s plan for him to be in my life as a kid, I guess.

Even though this is somewhat of a success story this doesn’t mean that any child going through this will manage to turn out well. I consider myself lucky first of all because I was raised by a very strong and dedi-cated woman. My mother never spoke badly of my father when I would ask about him. She felt when the time came that I would formulate my own

opinion of my father. In today’s society of fathers being absent I wish that more women would do the same thing. I don’t think it benefits a child to say negative things about their father even though they may be true. I think it gives children an inferiority complex, especially African Ameri-can children when the father is not part of their lives and it’s expressed in a negative way instead of women finding the positives in the situa-tion of raising a child on their own. Especially if the father really isn’t s**t anyway!

Some men knock women up just because and then when that baby girl or baby boy is born they make the terrible choice sometimes to fail as a father. I’m not against people having kids before there married, but I’ll never understand how a man will get a woman pregnant and hasn’t even thought of marrying that woman. And I say this not to say a man should marry a woman because she’s having your baby, but because you loved her before you both conceived that baby!

Some men need to step up and raise their kids. Teach your son how to be a man! Teach your daughter what she should

expect out of a man! I may not have any children, but I understand that it’s the father’s responsibility to set the standard for the men his daughter will date and possibly marry one day because most times women that had their father in their lives are attracted to men similar to their fathers. People ask me all the time why I don’t have children yet and my answer is simple……I want my child to have an easier road than I did by being raised by a loving married couple.

Despite everything we have been through I love my father and nowadays I celebrate Father’s Day and I can honestly say that my father deserves it!

“13 Ways” (The Movement)This is copyrighted by The Movement Media Inc. 2010 and has authorized

use to StarChild Online Magazine 2010.

God Bless,

“What to Do if You Find Out Your Teen is Having ”Sex?

By: Liletta Thompson

Becoming aware that your teen has become sexually active can be devastating. The reality is that teens have become more sexually active at faster rates. Despite your own views on premarital sex, teens will generally wind up doing as they wish. There are, however, effective ways to educate your teen so that proper precautions and perhaps changes in lifestyle are adopted as a result.

Communication is Key

The most important thing to remember with any sensitive issue is that communication is the first step in reaching an understanding. This will include taking into consideration your teen’s opinions as well as sharing your own feelings. Your teen’s decision to become sexually active has to be respected. This will be the first step in reaching any form of agreement.

Arrange for Discussion

It may not be possible to listen to your teen’s reasoning about the matter at first. Try to remain calm. Arrange to discuss the issue at a time and place away from the family home, in a quiet place. This will help to create a safe space so that your teen will not feel like he is being ambushed.

Educate Your Teen

It is best not to make any assumptions about what your teen knows about sex. In fact, many teens begin engaging in sexual activity before knowing much about contraception and possible sexually transmitted diseases. Gather your educational arsenal, whether it is a book, film or your own type of presentation. Find out how much your teen knows, and then provide as much factual information as possible. The role of a parent when it comes to sex should be informational first, in order to establish the respect necessary so that your teen will heed your advice. Ensure that it is understood that just one sexual act without protection can lead to pregnancy and an STD.

Respect Your Teen

Just as you would do for anyone else, respect your teen’s privacy. While it may be difficult to avoid trying to find out all of the details, realize that he is a human being who has entered a new phase in life. Respect is critical in order to establish and maintain a better parental relationship, and to ensure trust. Be sure to inform only your co-parent or someone that you enlist for help, such as the family doctor, if that is the case.

Be Supportive to Your Teen

Offer to make appointments with a physician and accompany your teen on the visit. It is important for your teen to have a complete physical and be certain to use the best contraceptives possible, whether male or female.

Offer Alternative Assistance

It may be that your teen is not comfortable involving you in his or her sex life. If that is the case, find some trusted adults that can help, such as a nurse, doctor, relative or clergy. Ensure that your teen has someone that they can trust who will keep their information confidential.

Big Sis & Companywww.bigsisandcompany.net

Check Out the Promo for My Talk Show!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqi1KPEohqQ

www.bigsisandcompany.blogspot.comwww.facebook.com/bigsisshow

www.facebook.com/boystomenempowerment

HARDBOTTOMSHEELS and

StarChild 4th Anniversary PartyMay 14, 2010

To the fathers who are physically and financially supportive of their children, thank you for helping build successful generations to come. And to the fathers who are not, hear me when I say, it’s

not too late to be better...do better.

Special thanks to Dr. Saiya Dubois for helping to bridge the gap between mothers and fathers.

Additional thanks to all who contributed to this edition: Matthew Church, Jonathan Woods, Raijean Stroud, Christian Cohill,

Liletta “Big Sis” Thompson and Kevin Dukes who provided the cover photography.

Random but heartfelt thank yous go out to Takisha Smith, Angel Campbell, Emmel, Terrence Bailey (a phenomenal dad), Antoine Harris, Octavia McPipe Jones, Deanna Armstrong, Leslie Garcia, Erica Santana, A.Wa, Bridgette Simmons (who always makes me smile), Ric Jilla (keep rocking out!), Oscar Maddox, Marcus Jelks,

Shawn Robinson and Niyoki Yancy.

And lastly, to my son, who saves my life everyday. I love you and I dedicate this issue to you.

See you all next month!

B.da Oso StarChild

www.facebook.com/bda.starchildwww.facebook.com/bda.starchild

B.da’s OUTROB.da’s OUTRO

Everyone knows what a star is, but do you know what the star means?

For us here at StarChild, it signifies greatness. PURPOSE. Our story has already been written and we are merely actors playing our dutiful role.

We are the ones who help give life meaning.

We are the ones who equate being “normal” with mediocrity.

We are the ones that sacrifice on behalf of the greater good. We go against the grain. We are the remnant. We are the chosen.

Our light shines bright so that a people years away can still see it, even once we’ve burned out.

We are creating our mark. We are living legends. We validate one another. We help one another rise. We are the fearless. We are the believers in Christ.

We are STARCHILD.

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agazine.com