Cloud Psychopaths

London CloudPsychocamp Oct 2012

@stevie_chambersCTO canopy-cloud.com

cloud crazy?

Does the guy at the other end of twitter look like this?

@reillyusa

cloud chop suey?

Why is Chris beating up Vince Cerf?

Or is Chris being attacked?

Why is the man with the camera finding this funny?

Cloudwashing?

cloud squirrel?

Are dogs psychopaths?

Are squirrels psychopaths?

jon ronson

what is a psychopath?

• Robert Hare PCL-R• 2 factors, 20 items• Each item is scored

– 0 does not apply– 1 applies somewhat– 2 definitely applies

• SCORE YOURSELF!– prize is a holiday for 1

near Crowthorne, UKhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hare_Psychopathy_Checklist

Psychopath fast test

these are not pyschopaths

health warning

• DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME THE PUB!– should only be deployed by professionals

– community forums and innocent advice– thesis• anyone who thinks cloud is optional, a game,

or is curious about its destructive effects – is likely a pyschopath. ways to tell…

factor 1

selfish, callous and remorseless use of others

narcissistic personality disorder

1/1 Grandiose sense of self-worth

Cloud is the answer to everything

My cloud is the answer to everything

0 1 2

I am cloud

1/2 Glibness/Superficial Charm

Cloud is easy

0 1 2

Cloud is obvious

Come on in the water’s lovely

Is the person always doing lightning talks…

1/3 Pathological Lying

Cloud is for everything (but only have web app examples)

0 1 2

Cloud never goes down

Patriot Act doesn’t matter

Data sovereignty doesn’t matter

1/4 Cunning and manipulative

I like you, you’re smart, you “get” cloud, like me

You’re one of us

0 1 2

Come and present at…

1/5 Lack of remorse or guilt

Oh, the cloud I advised you to use went down?

0 1 2

How interesting…

Your business was down?

1/6 Shallow effect

Does the dog really love you?

0 1 2

1/7 Lack of empathy

Let your crapplications die

Rewrite all your apps

0 1 2

Get rid of your CIO

1/8 Failure to accept responsibility

It’s your decision You didn’t explain your needs correctly

0 1 2

1/9 Prone to boredom

0 1 2

1/10 Parasitic lifestyle

Cloud consultant?

Do as I say, not as I doI’m an advisor

0 1 2

factor 2

chronically unstable, antisocial and socially deviant lifestyle

histrionic personality disorder

2/1 Poor behavioural control

Can’t resist free pizza and beer?

0 1 2

2/2 Unrealistic long term goals

One day there will only be cloud

Cloud is the final destination

0 1 2

2/3 Impulsivity

Stick it in the cloud, what could possibly go wrong?

0 1 2

2/4 Irresponsibility

Security and performance is someone else's problem

0 1 2

2/5 Juvenile delinquency

What is the person’s IT track record? Job history?

0 1 2

2/6 Early behavioural problems

Early adopter of ASP, SOA

0 1 2

2/7 Revocation of conditional release

Persistent offender

Can’t help themselves

0 1 2

2/8 Promiscuous sexual behaviour

any API

hybrid cloud

0 1 2

2/9 Many short term marriages

• Weak/fake alliance marketing

0 1 2

2/10 Criminal versatility

drop cloud, adopt the next big thing

0 1 2

Your score?

• Picture of people• According to the rigorous, scientific

and industry standard methodology we’ve just done?– <5, sit down you’re normal– <30, sit down, you’re a criminal– applaud the people left standing, be nice

to them

Innocent victims?

developer administrator CIO

unbend my iron

• cloud < utility, but what is cloud?– clouds move across boundaries– clouds are driven by natural forces– Cloud is not NIST, not Dope’n’stack, not

VMware– southern electric does not create custom

electric for my home grown iron– APIs are the plug sockets of this generation– technology naval gazing is not cloud

Final Thoughts

• a psychopath is for life, not just for christmas

• 20% population cause 70% of the pain

• when asking for cloud advice, beware!