Strictly TabooBy Rebekah Theisen

Emma Sparks was standing in front of her last class of the day. She was ready for this day to be over. It seemed extremely long due to the fact that they were on an extended schedule, because of state mandated testing this morning. This was her only class that had mixed grade levels, which made things difficult at times. The mixed maturity levels often caused for many distractions during the fifty-five minute class. There were also a few students that were good at distracting her and getting her off topic, which was every middle school students’ dream.

Because of testing this morning, she had given her class free time to work on their book reports. Most of them had worked diligently during the period, and a few of them had chosen to talk which she didn’t mind today, because they had been cooped up in testing for so long.

Ring….Finally! Emma thought to herself, as she noticed one of her students heading

to the door.“Kai, back to your seat please,” Emma commanded. “Who dismisses this

class?”“You do, Ms. Sparks,” Kai said, as he sulked back to his seat.“And what does not dismiss this class?” she asked him.“The bell,” he replied with his head down.“Don’t forget everyone,” she said turning her attention back to the rest of the

class, “your monthly book report is due Friday. That only leaves you two days to finish it.” Emma paused and waited for her sixth period class to be silent, which didn’t take long since they knew the routine, and they knew she didn’t deviate from this when there was a special schedule for the day. The longer they talked, the more their chances of missing the bus increased. “You’re dismissed,” she said with a little smile to herself.

This class sure has come a long way from the beginning of the year, she thought, as she sat down at her very well organized desk and entered the last of the grades from Tuesday’s test. She then put the test in the basket of items that needed to be passed back to the students, and went on to get the classroom ready for the next day’s lesson. Once she was finished, she headed to Caleb’s classroom next door.

When she walked in he looked up and winked at her. She blushed and smiled back. “Are you ready?” she asked.

“Almost,” Caleb replied.“Can I do anything to help you?”“Sure, can you change the dates on the boards?” he asked with a sly grin.“Yes.” She blushed again. Why was it that, after three years, he could still

make her blush with just a simple look? She changed the dates for him, and then asked, “Are you going to stay for a little while today?” She knew the answer would be no, but felt the need to ask anyway.

Caleb replied, “Yeah, she has an appointment and won’t be home until after 6:30 pm.” He looked up and gave her that killer smile.

“Really? That’s great!” She beamed. “I’ll be done in about five minutes if you want to get your stuff.”

1

“Ok!” Emma rushed off to grab her things. She was so delighted he finally had some time for her. She had been asking every day, for the past two months if he was going to stay at her place and spend some well needed time together, but his answer had been no for so long, she was starting to think she should feel lucky that they rode to work together every chance they got. He had been so busy with all the volunteer work he had been doing, that she had almost given up hope of sneaking in some “us” time, as she called it, until after the end of the school year. She hurried back to his classroom and they headed out to the truck.

The drive home was nothing special. They talked about their day, Emma told Caleb about how one of her students, Kyle, had told her she was beautiful for the fifth time in two weeks, and how she explained to him that he needed to stop saying things like that to her because it was inappropriate, and it made her feel uncomfortable. She also told him that if he continued she would have to call his parents and get the administration involved. Caleb asked her what Kyle had said to that, and she told him that he apologized and told her he wouldn’t say it again. Caleb told her he was proud of her and she did the right thing for that situation.

When they got to her apartment Caleb helped her with her stuff and they headed inside. Emma was in the process of putting her lunch dishes in the kitchen sink when Caleb came up behind her and gently put his hands on her hips. He leaned forward and whispered, “Those can wait.” His lips were so close to that spot at the base of her neck that she felt an intensely hot shiver rush down her spine. He gently brushed his lips against the spot on her nape, tracing the line that her favorite deep red and tarnished silver necklace rested on. He knew that was her favorite place to be kissed. It was all Emma could do to keep from dropping her lunch bag and the dishes that remained inside of it. She reached out to the counter for support, as her knees got weak. She set down the lunch tote and held on for dear life. He turned her in his arms and kissed her with such passion and desire that she melted instantly.“I love you, Emma.” He whispered.

It made her so happy when he said those tender words to her. Her heart soared and filled with all the love she had for him. “I love you too, Caleb.” She whispered against his lips.

They spent the rest of the afternoon in each other’s arms, enjoying every moment they had together. Caleb was admiring Emma and running his fingers through her long, curly hair, he had just leaned in to kiss her again when his phone started to ring. The expression on his face when he rolled his eyes made Emma giggle. He rolled over and reached down to grab his pants. They both knew the ringtone and knew he had to answer it.

Caleb answered as he got up he looked over his shoulder at Emma lying in the bed. He motioned for her to stay quiet as he walked out of the room, and she nodded, then he closed the door. She knew the routine, just like her students knew theirs. She hated this part. She could barely hear the conversation but she could imagine what was being said.

“I’ll be home soon,” Heather would say.“Ok,” he would answer.“How was your day?” Heather would ask.

2

“Fine,” he would respond.They would chat about what was for dinner, or about the house work that

needed to be done and then he would hang up. Of course they would exchange their good-byes before they did. He would come back into the bedroom and apologize for the interruption; try to reassure Emma in some small way that he truly loved her and not Heather, before he got dressed and rush out the door to beat her home.

The part that she hated hearing was when he would tell Heather that he loved her. Emma knew that wasn’t true. He had told her how they haven’t been together as husband and wife for over two years. She knew about all the fights they have been having and how Heather treated him in front of his friends. She knew he hated Heather because of it. Emma also knew that he loved her and that they would be together soon. He was just trying to wait for the right time to tell his family.

“Ok,” Caleb said coming towards the closed bedroom door. “Love you too,” she heard him say as he hung up the phone. Emma couldn’t believe how convincing he sounded when he told Heather that. It caused a little doubt to creep into her mind. Was he still in love with Heather? No, not possible, she thought to herself, and pushed the thought aside.

The door opened, Caleb’s smiling face peaked through and he apologized like always. He casually sat next to her on the bed, he ran his fingers through her strawberry blonde hair and down her bare arm. She loved it when he touched her like that.

“God you are so beautiful,” he whispered.Emma could feel her cheeks turning pink, and she pulled the covers up to her

chin. He smiled at her before he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. “I have to

go,” he murmured, “she’s on her way home.”“I know,” Emma sighed softly, looking down at his bare chest to try to hide

the hurt that she was feeling, because there afternoon was coming to an end. As he got dressed, Emma grabbed her plush fuchsia terry cloth robe and put

on her best smile, so that she would not break down and cry in front of him. She knew there would be time for that later. She meandered into the kitchen and tried to busy herself with the rest of her lunch dishes. When Caleb came out of the bedroom she quickly dried her hands on her robe and walked to the door with him. He hugged her close and told her he loved her with all of his heart. He gave her one last lingering kiss, then headed out the door. As soon as she slid the dead bolt into place, the hot moist tears that she had been trying so hard to hold back started to trickle down her cheeks.

Emma was lying on her bed watching the eleven o’clock news when her phone rang unexpectedly.

“Hello,” answered Emma with a worried tone in her voice.“Hi babe,” Caleb returned somberly. She could hear something wrong in his voice. “What’s the matter honey?” she

asked.There was a long pause before he answered, “I told Heather that I was

leaving her.”

3

“What?” Emma asked trying to hide her excitement, as she shot up in bed. Her heart sored so high at that moment. She thought to her self, it’s finally happening!

“She was yelling at me again, and I just couldn’t take it. She was going on about everything that I do, and how it’s all wrong, how I don’t do anything around the house right! I’m the one that does everything around that house. She just sits around on her ass when she gets home from work. If the house needs cleaning, I do it! Not her. She just wouldn’t stop belittling me. I told her to shut the fuck up! I actually said that to her. I couldn’t believe that the words I’ve wanted to say to her finally came out of my mouth.

“She just looked at me! She was so shocked. I told her I couldn’t take any more of her verbal abuse, and I wasn’t going to put up with it any more.”

“Wow,” was all Emma managed to whisper as she sat there and listened to him go on.

“I’m on my way to my parent’s house. I packed up the truck and left her standing there. She was crying and begging me to stay.” He paused and took a deep calming breath. “Emma, I just can’t be with her anymore.”

“I know Caleb. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.” She said reassuringly. “You are such a good person and you deserve to be happy.”Emma felt like she was on cloud nine, but at the same time she knew Caleb was having a hard time with what had just happened. She could hear it in his voice.

“Please tell me it will be ok? I need to know that this will get easier Emma. I feel like a scum bag for hurting her, and leaving her standing there like that.”

“Oh Caleb,” Emma cooed, “It gets easier. I promise. When I went through this with Scott it was very hard at first. You remember, don’t you? You helped me through it and listened to me when I needed someone to talk to. It really does get easier.”

“Did you feel like a shitty person when you first left Scott?”“I did,” Emma answered, “but at the same time I didn’t. We fought all the time

and even though I knew I was hurting him, because he finally realized that our marriage was in jeopardy, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.”

Emma continued, “I’m not going to lie Caleb, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. But at the same time, it was also the best thing I have ever done. I was so trapped for so long. I’m sure you remember how it was for me. I wasn’t allowed to have friends outside of the few he approved of, and I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere by myself. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I chose to brave the choice I made so that I could have the happiness I want.”

“Ok.” He paused, thinking. “She keeps trying to call me. I really don’t want to talk to her. I need time to calm down.”

“Then don’t answer her.”“I’m not, but I do need to call my parents and let them know I am coming

over.”“Ok, call me back if you need anything, I’ll be up for a little while longer.”“Thanks baby. I love you.”“I love you too Caleb.”

4

Emma couldn’t believe it. She felt like she was dreaming. She was starting to have doubts that Caleb would ever find the right time to tell Heather that he wanted a divorce. She couldn’t believe he did it! Now her heart was racing and she started to let herself dream a little about having a life with him and it was an amazing feeling.

The next four weeks were a blissful blur for Emma. She had more time with Caleb than they had in the past six months. They had truly started planning for their future together. They talked about everything they had only dared to dream about before. They started looking for a house to rent, and had finally agreed on this amazing four bedroom on an acre of land. It was a beautiful house that had plenty of room for the two of them. It was also big enough for guest, should they have family visit, or if they decided to start a family of their own, which they had been talking about a little more lately.

They were getting ready to sign the lease papers the next day. Everything was going better than Emma had ever dreamed. When she got into Caleb’s truck that afternoon she was all smiles. They sat in silence for a few minutes, which was not unusual for them, but this time Caleb kept squirming in his seat.

“What’s on your mind sweetheart?” Emma asked with a concerned look in her eyes.

“I don’t know how to bring this up.” He started to say.“Oh please,” Emma teased. “You know that I like things to the point, if you

have something to say then just say it. Remember, we can always tell each other anything.” She reminded him.

With that being said he blurted out, “I talked to my parents last night,” he paused, not sure how to go on.

“And?” she questioned.“They want me to try again with Heather. They said that they don’t want me

to throw away the last five years of my marriage.”“Oh? And what did you tell them?”“I told them I’d give it some thought.”“Hmm…” Emma didn’t like the tone of his voice, and she didn’t like where

this was going either, “and have you?”“I have.” He paused again.Emma was getting a little impatient with his vagueness, he was acting like

one of her students who got caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing, but she kept herself in check and let him continue.

“I feel like I can’t move in with you until I have tried to appease my parents. I feel that if I do move in with you then they might not accept you as a part of my life.”

“Oh,” Emma replied as she looked out the window pretending that something had caught her eye.

“I hope you understand that I need to do this to prove to my parents that it is really over between us.”

“I understand.” She lied, and forced a small smile. Deep down she really felt like her heart had just been ripped out of her chest and stomped on. It was all she could do to fight back the tears that were welling up on the heavily mascaraed lashes of her big brown eyes.

5

Caleb glanced over at her, and saw that she was having a hard time with what he had just told her. Really? Could he blame her? He just put a halt to their plans that they had been making the past month. He grabbed her hand and gave it a gentle reassuring squeeze and then brought it to his lips, gently letting his kiss linger on her warm skin for a few moments before he went on. “This doesn’t mean that I don’t want a life with you. I just need a little more time before we start our life together. It shouldn’t be more than a month.”

He went on, “Another reason I need to do this is I don’t want to have any regrets about the choice I make. I don’t want to have any reason to blame you for my divorce. Does that make sense baby?”

Emma tried to smile for Caleb. She knew he would really regret it if he didn’t do this. “Yes,” she replied weakly, trying to fight the lump that had lodged itself in her throat. It wasn’t working though, the tears started to roll down her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away and focused her attention on the road passing by. She was grateful that they were almost to her apartment. She didn’t know how much longer she could hold back the tears.

“I’m so sorry Emma, I promise it won’t be much longer. I want to move forward in our relationship and I need to do this so that we can.” He glanced over at her. “You know I love you baby and I want to be with you for the rest of my life.”

No matter what he said it wouldn’t take away the pain he had just caused her. The pain could be seen in her eyes, even though she was trying to be stoic and not cry in front of him. She hated crying in front of anyone. She felt like she had a huge hole inside of her, and that hole was caused by the bomb that he just placed in her lap.

She looked out the window again. Thank God, she thought as she realized they were pulling into her complex. They rounded the corner and pulled into a parking spot. Emma unbuckled her seatbelt, and reached for the door handle. Caleb held onto her other hand, and refused to let go. Emma finally looked at him.

“Please Caleb,” she commanded softly, trying to get him to let go.The pain in her voice and the hurt in her eyes choked him up, but he

managed to say, “Emma, I want you to know I love you and I promise we will be together.” He pulled her close and kissed her with all that he had.

She wanted to scream at him. To tell him that if he loved her then he wouldn’t be going back to Heather. That he wouldn’t need to give his marriage one final try. If he loved her he would be with her right now and never look back. She needed to go upstairs and sort this all out, to try to understand his reasoning, and mostly she needed to cry.

When he finally let her go she grabbed her bags and practically ran upstairs, which was no easy feat in stilettos. She fumbled with the keys, knowing that he was watching her; he always waited until she made it inside before he pulled away. She barely made it through the door before the wave of tears overtook her. She dropped everything and ran to her room, threw herself onto her bed and just let it all out. She lay there for hours, the sobs racking through her body. Her thoughts were running wild. She felt like her heart was in a million pieces. She didn’t want to think, or even feel right now. She just wanted to go back to before Caleb told her he

6

was going back to a loveless marriage for a little while longer. She didn’t understand. Couldn’t wrap her brain around it.

It was around one o’clock in the morning when Emma woke up. She was still in her work clothes. She was surprised that she still had her stilettos on as well. She slid them off and walked into the bathroom. One look in the mirror was all it took for the tears to start again. She didn’t cry as hard as last time though. The way her eye make-up was running down her cheeks left her looking like a bedraggled raccoon. She managed to wash her face and change her clothes. She even fixed herself a snack, and managed to eat most of it without crying. When she was through she headed back to bed and set her alarm and sent Caleb a text that said she was driving herself in the morning. She didn’t really feel like looking at him right now. She needed time. She felt so betrayed which was ironic because wasn’t she the one that betrayed her marriage. Karma. She thought to herself and half chuckled.

She crawled back in bed, she felt so emotionally drained, and so physically tired. As her eyelids drifted closed, she hoped and prayed with all that she had, that when she woke up in the morning she would find that what happened after work was all a really bad dream. That way she and Caleb could go sign the lease papers tomorrow, like they were supposed to. Then they could start moving into their new house, and start their lives together.

The rest of the week she drove herself to work everyday. She still didn’t want to spend too much time with Caleb. She felt so hurt every time she looked at him, like a bandage was being ripped off the huge hole in her heart. She saw the looks he gave her in the hallways. It was a cross between an apology and shame. She couldn’t take it when he looked at her like that. So when he came into her classroom after school Friday afternoon, she kept her back to him and busied herself with writing the objectives for Monday’s lesson on the board.

“Emma,” he started, “why are you avoiding me?”“I’m not avoiding you.” She lied.“Emma,” he said in that tone he used when he knew she was trying to keep

from hurting his feelings. “This is me, baby. You can’t hide your emotions from me. Who else knows you better then I do?” He asked her.

For a moment all you could hear was the sound of the dry erase marker squeaking across the board. “I’m not ready for this Caleb,” she stated in a matter of fact tone.

“We need to talk about this”“Hmm.” She sneered. “Really?” she asked scornfully. “I don’t want to talk just

yet, Caleb.”“You’ve been avoiding me all week, and you need to stop.”“I need to stop!” she started to raise her voice and then realized that they

were standing in her classroom and someone might hear them. She whirled around “I’m not the one who looks at me the way you have been looking at me all week.” She hissed at him. “I can’t take that. It makes me feel like you pity me and I don’t want your pity Caleb. I want your love. I want a life with you, one where I don’t have to share you with another woman. That’s all I have ever wanted for us.”

7

“Emma, please try to understand. I’m not doing this to hurt you. I’m doing this to appease my parents. I need to prove to them that my marriage is over.”

“You’ve already told me that.”“Then why can’t you take my word for it and know that I still want to be with

you and have a life with you as well. You are the one I love Emma.”“Because Caleb, I hurt!” she countered. “I hurt in a way that I have never hurt

before. I feel like you have ripped out my heart. “We were so close to finally having our chance at happiness, so close to

starting our life together, and you took that away from us. So forgive me if I don’t understand.” She said with a sarcastic wave of her hand.

Caleb looked down; she could see he felt so ashamed for how he had hurt her. “I’m so sorry Emma,” he said

“Yeah, you said that too!” she retorted. She started to turn and face the board again.

“All I’m asking for is a little time. Heather wants to try marriage counseling, and I agreed to go. I’m just going to the first session and then I’m done. Our appointment is in two weeks. Do you think you can please give me till then?” He paused waiting for an answer. When it didn’t come he continued. “I want this baby.” He said as he motioned to her and then to himself. “I want you. You are the one I think about all the time. You are the one that makes me happy. You are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with Emma.” He said pleading with her.

Emma stood there in silence for a few minutes. Letting the words he had said sink in. “Caleb, I can’t take this too much longer,” she said softly, “I can’t watch you go home to her every night. It breaks my heart every time you do. I will give you the two weeks, but I want you to know I’m not happy about this. I do love you Caleb, with all that I am, and that’s why I am giving you the time, but you need to know that doing this is killing me inside.”

He crossed the room and took her in his arms. He usually didn’t do that at work for fear of someone catching them, but at this moment she could see that he needed to feel her close to him. “I promise you Emma, we will be together. That’s all I want, it’s all I think about.” He paused. “I need you in my life. You are the only one for me baby.” He kissed the top of her head. When he pulled back he looked in her milk chocolate brown eyes and said, “I love you with all that I am, and all that I ever will be.”

Emma smiled weakly at him, and then tenderly kissed him. Then she playfully shoved him away and said, “You better get out of here before someone sees us.”

He let her go, and winked at her. She gave him a shy smile as he headed to the door.“I’m driving next week and I’ll be there to pick you up Monday morning.”“Ok” she agreed, and turned back to finish setting up her classroom.You’re a fool, a little voice inside of her whispered.No, I’m not I’m doing the right thing. He wants to be with me, and we need to do

it this way so his family knows it is really over, she told the voice and pushed away the thoughts.

8

The two weeks seemed to drag on. Things between Caleb and Emma seemed to pretty much go back to the way they were before he had decided to leave his wife. She only saw him while they were at work and on the drive to and from work. They managed to make idle chitchat on their drive, and avoided all conversation about how things were going with his marriage.

The afternoon before his appointment he let Emma know that she would have to drive the next day. He had to leave work as soon as the students left because of the appointment with the marriage counselor. Emma was thankful that the appointment day was finally here, and she was eager to see how it went after the meeting.

Caleb stuck his head into her classroom and said, “Hey, I’m leaving.”“Ok.” Emma replied looking up from her computer screen. “Good Luck,” she

said, not knowing what else to say.“Thanks.” He winked at her and held up his hand, hiding the ‘I love you’ sign

he was making with his fingers from anyone that might be walking by.She smiled at him and returned the sign.With that he left the room, and left Emma sitting there with so many

thoughts running through her mind. So many questions that she wanted to ask but didn’t know how. She sat there staring at the computer screen and just let her mind wonder, when she should be putting the grades from today’s assignment into her grade book. She really couldn’t focus right now, and she wasn’t ready to head home either. There was too much to do in her classroom. She decided to set up the board for tomorrow, and abandoned the graded papers on her desk. When she finished that task, and cleaned her room, she still couldn’t focus. She decided to just head home and finish the grades tomorrow. She gathered her thing and headed out the door.

The next morning Caleb picked her up for work. She didn’t quite know what to expect when she got in the truck. Did he tell her last night? How did she take it? Who cares how she took it, would they be able to move forward with their plans? “So…” she ventured, “how did last night go?”

“Not like I thought it would go.” Caleb said glancing over at her.“Really?” She asked puzzled. “How so?” “It was a get to know you session with the counselor. There was no

counseling. Our next appointment is when the counseling starts.”“You’re going again?” Emma asked confused.“I feel like I have to because we didn’t really discuss anything. I can’t just tell

her after last night that I’m really leaving, because we didn’t talk about anything Emma.”

“Oh…” She mumbled trying not to sound like she just had another piece of her heart ripped out. She didn’t see this coming. She was sure he would tell her last night. She knew he wouldn’t be able to continue this façade of a marriage anymore. She didn’t understand why he didn’t tell her.

“Please try to understand baby. I need to do this right for my parents.”Emma stared out the window. She could feel the lump building in her throat.

She kept thinking to herself over and over again that all she wanted was to be with

9

Caleb. Why was it so difficult when they were so close to their goal? “I’m trying,” she whispered. “Why is this so hard?” she asked more rhetorically then really wanting an answer.

He smiled reassuringly at her and said, “Love is, and always will be, the greatest and the worst thing in life.” He could tell that didn’t help much.

She rolled her eyes at him. “How cliché of you.” There was a look of anguish in her eyes. “We will get through this,” he said

with a reassuring smile.“I know.” She answered trying her best to smile back at him.

They really didn’t say much more on the way to work. When they got there they gathered their things and walked in to the building in a melancholy silence.

The next week went the same as the week before. He told her that he was going to yet another counseling session. Which didn’t make sense to Emma, but she waited again. She kept telling herself that this would be over soon and they could be together.

That week turned into another and another, next thing she knew a month had passed, and nothing had changed. Emma began to wonder if things would ever change in their favor.

The summer had come and was half over. They didn’t spend as much time together as Emma had wanted, but what time they did share was amazing. They had been to the major theme parks, the movies, and out to a few lunches, but most of all just enjoyed the time they had together. They made every moment count.

They really didn’t talk like they used to about what Caleb was going through with Heather. It was almost like that topic was a strictly taboo. Emma was starting to get restless with the wait, but she also knew she couldn’t picture herself with anyone else.

She was on her way to Caleb’s house one morning; she had the air conditioning cranked up, and the radio blasting, when a song came on the radio that really hit home with her. The song was about a woman who was in love with a man she couldn’t have because he was married. The woman kept begging the man to stay with her and not go home to his wife. Emma instantly loved the song. She felt like it described everything about her and Caleb.

That is, until the end of the song, as she listened she noticed that the woman in the song finally came to the realization that the man she loved was never going to leave his wife. When the woman realized this fact she found the inner strength to confront the situation. The woman told the man that the next time he felt the need to come to her, he needed to just stay with his wife because she wasn’t waiting for him any more. That opened a wound in Emma that she hadn’t been ready to face. It was a wound that had festered over time even though she had kept trying to ignore it. She had been pushing those thoughts aside for so long now, and she didn’t want to spoil her plans with Caleb today so she pushed them aside once again. Something she was becoming way too good at.

Their day was wonderful like the others they had shared that summer. They had finally gone to the beach. The water was so warm and amazingly clear. Emma swore that she would never go to the east coast ever again. She instantly loved

10

Clearwater Beach. They had completely enjoyed the day. But the thought that had nagged Emma that morning kept creeping back into her mind and she had to fight several times to push it back down. She knew that Caleb loved her and that they were going to be together very soon.

On their drive home Emma couldn’t take it any longer. That voice was really getting the better of her. “Caleb, are we ever going to have the life we want together?” she asked timidly, wishing she could take it back the moment the words passed her lips. She wasn’t sure she could handle the answer.

“Absolutely, Emma!” He smiled.“Ok” she whispered as a small smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. She

couldn’t help but feel a little relief when he answered so adamantly. She started to feel a renewed hope for them. It was enough to satisfy her for now. See, she told that little voice in her head. We are going to be able to start our life together. I just have to wait a little longer.

How much longer? The voice countered.“What do you want to do for dinner” Caleb interrupted her thoughts?“Do we have time for dinner?” She asked confused.“Sure,” he smiled “remember we moved your car incase we were going to be

late. I’ll come up with some reason that I’m going to be home after her.Emma couldn’t contain her smile. She got to have more time with him. He

wasn’t rushing home to her. She was so elated. Unfortunately that little voice asked again, How much longer? She couldn’t seem to quiet that nagging voice. She was just going to have to try harder to ignore it and enjoy dinner with Caleb.

That weekend she was out grocery shopping when she ran into Caleb and Heather. This wasn’t the first time she had seen the two of them together when she was out and about. This was however; the first time she had seen them actually holding hands, and laughing. Emma didn’t know what to think. She knew they were married, and she knew what married couples did, but she was under the impression that things were not like that with Caleb and Heather. He had told her how unhappy his marriage was, and she believed him, why would he lie to her?

Her heart felt like it had stopped. She wanted to run. She started to turn around when Heather spotted her. “Emma, How are you?” she asked.

Emma put on her best smile and said, “Oh I’m good, how about you?”“We’re doing good,” Heather replied, looking over at Caleb.Emma looked at Caleb, who for a split second gave her a look that crossed

between an apology and a plea for help, and then he smiled at Heather. They made small talk for a few painful minutes, before Emma politely

excused herself saying she was on a time crunch because she had somewhere to be, which was a lie. She couldn’t stand there any longer. It was all she could do to finish her shopping. She managed to make it out her car and pull out of the store parking lot before she started crying again. How could I be so stupid? Why didn’t I this coming? He has no intention of leaving her!

Emma was tired of all the hiding and the lies she had told to keep their relationship a secret. She didn’t want to live like this forever.

11

Emma and Caleb had plans to spend Monday together and Emma decided that this would be the perfect time to confront Caleb about what she was feeling. She went to his house like planned and he answered the door like nothing had happened.

“Hi baby,” he said with a smile, and hugged Emma. “Hi,” she said pausing to looking him in the eye. “We need to talk Caleb.”“Ok beautiful.” He took her into the living room and they sat down on the

love seat. “Do you really want to be with me?” she asked bluntly.“Yes Emma. With all my heart.” He looked so sincere.“OK. I have another question,” she said with a perplexed look on her face.“Ok,” he said with a anxious look in his eye.She rushed on before she lost her nerve. “How much longer do I have to wait

for you?” He looked surprised by the question. “I wish I could answer that. I know it

isn’t fair Emma, but I don’t really have an answer right now.”She felt like she had just been stabbed in the gut. Did he think she was going

to wait forever? “You know,” she paused “you’re not helping, not after yesterday.”“I’m sorry about that baby,” he said looking down at his feet.“This is one of those days where I feel like this is never going to work, and I

can’t help but wonder how much longer I can wait for you. It’s been almost four years since we started dating Caleb. It breaks my heart a little more everyday that I don’t get to share my life with you.” She was getting frustrated. “Sometimes I really hate what we are, and what it is doing to us. Other times I think I can wait forever for you, but it is getting harder and harder. I feel like I am loosing you to her.”

There was silence for a minute then he said, “I wouldn’t blame you if you choose to leave me, and didn’t wait anymore.”

She was so shocked by his words. She wasn’t sure how she should take them. It was as if he was giving up on them. Like he was choosing Heather over her. “Don’t I give you what you need Caleb?”

“Of course you do.” He answered. “Then why can’t you give me what I need?” she blurted out.“That’s not fair, Emma. You know what I am going through with Heather.”She saw red! How could he tell her what’s not fair? She couldn’t believe his

audacity! “What’s not fair is that I have given you the best of me for so long, but she still gets the best part of you,” she yelled. Then she took a calming breath before she went on. “She gets to spend her nights next to you in bed, in your arms. She gets to wake up next to you every morning. She gets all the holidays that I want to share with you. She gets to be the priority in your life and that’s all I have ever wanted. I want to be the one you come home to Caleb, the one you share your life with. I want to share everything I am with you, but you can’t do that in return for me, and that’s not fair.”

“Emma,” he started, “you have one thing she doesn’t have.” He whispered sadly.

“And what’s that?” She retorted.“You have my heart.”

12

Emma felt like her heart was on the floor. She didn’t know how to pick up the pieces but she was sure of one thing. “That’s not enough Caleb,” she uttered, “I want all of you, and I don’t think you can give me what I want.”

When he didn’t say anything she went on, “I can’t do this any more. I can’t keep sharing you.” She rushed on not giving him time to answer. “It’s not fair to me. I deserve better than this. I deserve to have a man who can love me like I love him, a man that wants to share every part of his life with me and only me. You say I have your heart but I don’t because if I did, you’d be here with me right now.”

Caleb looked like he didn’t know what to say. He looked so shocked. Did he even know how badly he had hurt her over the years, by asking so much of her and expecting her to be content with the life they had right now. How could he expect her to keep on living like this?

“I’m sorry Emma, I’m so sorry. I should never have expected you to wait this long. I will tell Heather today that I want a divorce, and then we can start our life together. I know that I want to spend my life with you Emma, and I should have done this a long time ago. I don’t need to prove to anyone, anymore, that my marriage is over. You are the only thing that matters to me.”

Emma was silent for a moment. She was thinking about what Caleb had just said. He was going to tell her today! She should be happy. She should be ecstatic. But she wasn’t. “No Caleb,” the words were out of her mouth before she had time to think any further. Part of her screamed; ARE YOU CRAZY? This is what you have been waiting for! The other part felt pride. She knew that no matter how much she loved Caleb she couldn’t get what she truly needed from him. “I’m not waiting a moment longer. I can’t put myself through this any more.”

“Emma,” Caleb pleaded.“I wont be here waiting for you when you do tell her. So don’t leave her if you

are doing it for me. If you are going to leave her then do it for you. Do what makes you happy, don’t do what you think will make everyone else happy.” She didn’t give him the chance to say anything. “Good-bye Caleb.”

With that she stood up and waked out of the room, out the front door, and out of Caleb’s life. Eventhough she felt a wave of sorrow rush through her, she knew in her heart that she had done the right thing. She was better off with out him, but her heart hurt so much. She got into her car and drove off. She didn’t fight the tears when they came. She felt the loss of the man she loved and it was the most painful loss she had ever felt, but at the same time she felt as if she could hold her head high. She knew that she would get through this. It was probably going to be the hardest thing she would ever face, but she would succeed.

She felt truly hopeful for the first time in a long time. She said a little prayer in her heart that she would one day find a man worthy of her love, and that she would be able to share everything in her life with him.

13