success for our time together

10/9/21

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REGULATE, RELATE, CREATE: BALANCING IN A WORLD THAT’S OFF BALANCE

Sponsored by West Virginia Handle with Care

Presented by Mary Vicario, LPCC-S

Certified Trauma SpecialistFinding Hope Consulting, LLC

(C) 2020 FINDING HOPE CONSULTING, LLC WWW.FINDINGHOPECONSULTING.COM 1

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Success for Our Time Together

Approach with curiosity,it engages the cortex.

While certainty engages the fear center.

(Baim, 2020)

Being Brave:Lean in or Lean out

Keep learning and growing!

Everyone here is important and unique!

©2020 Mary Vicario Finding Hope Consulting LLCwww.Findinghopeconsulting.com

(C

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“We did then what we knew to do, and now that we know

better, we do better.”

Maya Angelou

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(C) 2020 FINDING HOPE CONSULTING, LLC WWW.FINDINGHOPECONSULTING.COM

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Objectives: Participants will be able to:

Identify

ACE’s and CATS’ impact on the brain and the body resulting in fear-based dysregulation traditionally seen as chronic, challenging behaviors.

Identify and use

resilience-based approaches for fear-based dysregulation behaviors like aggression, self-harm, risk taking, oppositional-defiance.

Identify and practice

non-adversarial, collaborative and calming approaches to addressing fear-based dysregulation.

Identify and demonstrate

techniques for helping themselves and others experience felt safety


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Felt Safety vs. Actual Safety: What’s the Difference and Why Does It Matter?

Objective 1:

• Identifying Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and Compounding Adverse Toxic Stressors (CATS) impact on the brain and the body

• Exploring and mapping fear-based dysregulation traditionally seen as chronic, challenging behaviors


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REGULATE - RELATE - CREATEBalancing in a World That’s Off Balance


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What is Regulation and

How Can It Help Me Now?


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To Regulate is to…

Settle your body (Bruce Perry)

Experience Felt Safety (Stephen Porges)

Ground yourself by taking in the world around you with your senses(Peter Levine)


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THE HAND BRAIN

Wrist to elbow = Spinal Column & Vagus Nerve, which sends feelings to every organ in your body.

Thinking Brain (Cortex) = Our Upstairs Brain

Reacting Brain = Our Downstairs Brain(Limbic System) The Fear Center

Palm of hand (Brain Stem), controls heart, Lungs, etc.

Seigel, D (2015). Brainstorm: The Power & Purpose of the Teenage Brain. New York, NY: Penguin

9©2020 Mary Vicario Finding Hope Consulting LLC

www.Findinghopeconsulting.com

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THE VAGUS NERVE

( C ) 2 0 2 0 F I N D I N G H O P E C O N S U L T I N G , L L C W W W . F I N D I N G H O P E C O N S U L T I N G . C O M 10

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Vagus Nerve üWraps around every organ in bodyüSends feelings as sensations, to the

bodyüControls our social engagement

systemüStores memories as physical

sensations starting at 23 weeks gestation

Dr. Dan Siegel (2010)

(Vagus Nerve)

Information adapted by The Center for Family Safety and Healing; Content Sources: Dan Siegel (2011) Mindsight; Polyvagal Theory (2010) Stephen Porges;

Resmaa Menakem (2017) My Grandmother’s Hands and Finding Hope Consulting LLC

The “Soul Nerve”

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The Wheel of Awareness

(c) 2020 Finding Hope Consulting, LLC www.findinghopeconsulting.com

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Abuse Household Stressors

Psychological Substance Abuse

Physical Mental Illness

Sexual Parental Separation

Emotional Neglect Domestic Violence

Physical Neglect (Food Insecurity) Imprisoned household member = stigmatized loss & reality that is not allowed to be real

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES)

*ACES/ CATS in red involve shame or humiliation*

Harvard Center for the Developing Child American Academy of Pediatrics (2015)

Poverty Homelessness

War/Community Violence Early Childhood Intrusive Surgeries

Witness or Experience Violence (includes seeing abuse of siblings)

Discrimination

Bullying

Compounding Adverse Toxic Stressors (CATS)

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Fear Cascade

Flock:

Flee:

Fight:

Freeze:

Freeze:

Faint/ Submit

Submit: Breathing, Sleep

Flock: Gangs, violent or hurtful relationships, suicide attempts

Flee: running away, hiding, suicide attempts

Fight: all forms of aggression, suicide attempts

Freeze: depression, being stuck, Not protecting children, looks oppositional

Faint (Submit): Protecting perpetrators, Curling into a fetal position, Flopping

Flock: Safe relationships, clubs, church, teams

Flee: Leaving a problematic job or relationship

Fight: Assertiveness, Exercise, sports, dance

Yoga can connect action & stillness.

Quiet time, prayer, meditation,

Please don’t ask someone to risk their life to get

connection.

© 2016 Finding Hope Consulting LLC© 2020 Artwork: Chelsey Getz

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Unsafe Safe

Flock

Flee

Fight

Freeze

Faint/ Submit

The Fear Cascade

© 2016 Mary Vicario, Finding Hope Consulting, LLCwww.findinghopecosulting.com

Artwork © 2020 Karen Boyhen 15

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Rhythm and Regulation

Remember our friend the vagus nerve who sends our emotions to every organ in our body?

What’s fascinating is that the vagus nerve sends our emotions to every organ in our body rhythmically. (Porges, 2010)

So…one of the best ways to calm the vagus nerve is with rhythm.


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What Brings the Rhythm of

Regulation Into Your Life?

Place those things on the Cliffs of Safety (the Safe Side) on the Fear Cascade.


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Fear Cascade

Flock:

Flee:

Fight:

Freeze:

Faint/ Submit

Flock:

Flee:

Fight:

Freeze:

Faint (Submit):

Flock:

Flee:

Fight:

Freeze

Faint/Submit© 2016 Finding Hope Consulting LLC© 2020 Artwork: Chelsey Getz

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What Brings the Rhythm of Regulation Into Your Life?

• Music• Poems• Singing• Dancing• Walking• Routines• Counting• Nursery Rhymes• Children’s Books – especially Dr.

Seuss


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Regulation is a Practice

-Sarah Buffie

You can build the practice of Regulation

into your life by connecting it with

things you do everyday.

For example: What if you noticed your

breathing (you don’t have to change it, just

notice it) every time you washed your hands?

Fun Fact: We can’t breathe into the past or the future, but we can breathe into the here

and now. Claudia Lopez,

Profluence Consulting


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Felt Safety – The Cornerstone of our ability to Connect and Regulate – And Positions of Power

If you are in a position of power, it is imperative that YOU REGULATE before you relate.

Positions of power automatically set off the fear centers of those not in power, so you must arrive regulated or you will be gasoline on a fire.

Your regulation doesn’t just set the tone, it is an essential part ofthe environment needed for felt safety, which is the cornerstone of our neurobiological ability to connect and regulate.


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Safety Triangle(Porges, 2010)

Safe Face

Safe Voice

Safety Triangle

Safe Posture

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QUICK WRITE

What are you doing to show up regulated?

How do you create a safety triangle for the people you serve?


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Communication Comes in More Flavors Than Chocolate, Strawberry, and Vanilla?

Objective 2:

• Identify and use resilience-based approaches for fear-based dysregulation behaviors like aggression, self-harm, risk taking, oppositional-defiance.


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Limbic System (Fear Center)

üFelt Safety, Attachment, Regulation

üSets off the Flock, Flee, Fight, Freeze, Faint (Submit) response

üNo conscious control over this activation

ü“Communicates” through sensations & pictures


(Vagus Nerve)

Information adapted by The Center for Family Safety and Healing; Content Sources: Dan Siegel Mindsight (2011); Polyvagal Theory – Stephen Porges (2010); Finding Hope Consulting LLC

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THERE IS NO MORE EFFECTIVE NEUROBIOLOGICAL INTERVENTION THAN A SAFE RELATIONSHIP.

Bruce Perry


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Relating

Once we are calm (regulated), we can connect (relate). Bruce Perry

You all are pros at this, or you would not be in this work.

Take a moment and notice: What gives you the capacity to connect and help others?


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RelatingQuickWrite!

Who are the safe people you connect with & who help you?

How do you keep a sense of their presence with you throughout your day?

What gifts (strengths, skills) have they given you that you now share with others?

What gifts do you want to share with the important people in your life?

(C) 2020 FINDING HOPE CONSULTING, LLC WWW.FINDINGHOPECONSULTING.COM30

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Reflect, Honor, Connect

Reflect: back with compassion what you heard them say.

Honor: Thank them for sharing.

Connect: Them with safety & supports.

Ask: How can I help you feel safe?Or whatever you wanted to say originally…keep it for the Connect

31(C) 2020 FINDING HOPE CONSULTING, LLC

WWW.FINDINGHOPECONSULTING.COM

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QUICK WRITE

Using information from your quick write, that you feel comfortable sharing. Have another person in your group practice Reflect, Honor, Connect with you. Then the next

person in the group takes a turn, until everyone has gone.


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Mind Your MAW


Mindset: What you think, those around you can feel

(Think: What happened & what did they do to survive?)

Actions: Keep them low and slow.

(Think Safety Triangle)

Words: Make them calm, quiet & few

(Reflect, Honor & Connect)

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Centering Relating

What happens when we center…

• Belonging over managingor

• Contribution over expectation?

- Sarah Buffie, MSW, LSW

Soul Bird Consulting


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Centering Belonging Over Managing with the Safety Script

A Safety Script gives us words to help a person feel safe. When a person is acting angry, it’s often because they do not FEEL SAFE.

Remember, FEELING safe and BEING safe are not the same thing. You can be safe, but not feel safe.

The Safety Script is a way to connect limits with safety.

They show that in a “safe place” we work together to keep everyone safe, so you do not need to be the most frightening person in the room to be safe.

The Safety Script allows you to both connect and correct.


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The Safety Script

Use the template below, filling in words that fit the situation:

This is a safe___________________(provide the safe noun; i.e. place, family, space, etc.).

It is important that no one _________________(name the behavior you want the person to stop),

So it is important that you not __________________(again name the behavior you want to stop),

Because this is a safe __________________. (repeat the safe noun; i.e.place, family, space, etc.)


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Lift Off

Liftoff activities are people, places, and things that lift you up and bring you joy.

This is called Upregulating!

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Landing

• Landing includes people, places, activities and things that ground you, soothe you, and bring you joy.

• This is called Down Regulating

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Cool Your Jets

• Your parachutes help you cool your jets.

• These are activities, people, places and things, that help you shift from being upregulated to downregulated.

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When I am… I Need…

Attention Seeking To feel connected, accepted & loved

Running To feel safe & secure

Stealing, Hoarding or Gorging To have some say or control in my life

Bored To have a purpose in life

Self Injuring To feel less isolated or trapped


Translating Behavior

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Rupture and Repair: Recognizing and Creating Felt Safety

Objective 3:

• Recognizing and replacing shame, grief and fear with felt safety, growth and hope in all of us.

• Identify and practice non-adversarial, collaborative and calming approaches to addressing fear-based dysregulation.


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Cortex (Thinking Brain):

üExecutive Functions like planning, organizing creativity, and problem-solving

üAssists with Empathy/ compassion

üNot fully formed until we are in our mid-30s!

ü“Communicates” through pictures & words


(Vagus Nerve)

Information adapted by The Center for Family Safety and Healing; Content Sources: Dan Siegel Mindsight (2011); Polyvagal Theory – Stephen Porges (2010); Finding Hope Consulting LLC

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CREATING Now that we are regulated and in relationship, our fear center will allow our thinking brain back online, so we can think, dialogue, problem solve and create.


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Creativity Requires Curiosity

Curiosity engages the creative centers of our brain.

Certainty engages the judgment centers of our brain and shuts down creativity


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When we explore change, what if We Reflect, Honor & got CuriousAbout the Process?

Reflect on what works – What goes well?

Honor that there are challenges and name them.

Get Curious about where someone would learn that behavior and howcould it have helped them feel safe (Regulate or Relate)?


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The Fear Cascade and The Biologically Based Fear Responses

Flock: Flock:

Flee:Flee:

Fight: Fight:

Freeze:Freeze:

Faint/ Submit Submit

Lying, Manipulating, Defiance/ “Button Pushing”, Gorging, Purging, Self Harm, High risk sexual activity, Addiction, Unsafe Peer Group, Suicidality

Hoarding, Limited eye contact, Starving, Purging, Inability to Sleep/ Nightmare, Self Harm, High risk sexual activity, Addiction, Isolation/ Avoidance,

Stealing, Aggression, Defiance/ “Button Pushing”, Gorging, Starving, Purging, Inability to sleep/ Nightmares, Self Harm, High risk sexual activity, Addiction,

Limited eye contact, Over sleeping, Addiction, Numb/ Disengage, Isolation/ Avoidance,

Addiction, Hopelessness

Limited Eye Contact

Please don’t ask someone to risk their life to get

connection.

© 2016 Finding Hope Consulting LLC© 2020 Artwork: Chelsey Getz

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The Anger Volcano for Rupture & Repair

The Anger Volcano is a visual tool that represents the cycle of anger, which includes • build up (the left side of the

volcano), • the outburst (which is the top

of the volcano erupting) and • the release, which are the

feelings of release that follow the outburst (represented by the calming pool at the bottom of the volcano).


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The intent of the Anger Volcano is to 1. Identify escalating levels of stress

and anxiety

2. Implement activities (from their Lift Off and Landing) to help them

3. Bridge across the volcano to get to

4. A calmer feeling (the pool at the bottom)

5. Without “blowing their top” or their cortex going off-line (Think Hand Brain).

"OHFS 7PMDBOP

This is peak anxiety.It is not a time to talk, direct

or problem solve.

This is not the time to askthe person to make choices.Model calming strategies,

especially breathing &staying calm yourself.

Now is the time to leave theanxiety producing event if

possible.

This is where signs ofearly stress need to

be recognized.This is the best time to

refocus the person'sattention

away from stress.

all 4 fingers off-line

3 fingers off-line

2 fingers off-line

1 finger off-line

This is the target behavior.It could include (but isn't

limited to) hitting, throwing,biting, swearing, swallowing

This is where positive and valuing relationships are built and whereyou teach skills needed to function successfully in challenging situations.

Examples might include:Social Stories, 3Ps, Power Cards, a calming sequence, yoga or social skills.

Connection back to activities,people & things identified in

the individual's Roots & Wingsto help them cross the bridgeof the volcano and side intothe pool where they receive

dopamine & endorphins fromanger relief release.

Regulation exercises for eachlevel can be identified by the

individual to help thenconnect back to their positiveemotion feelings identified in

the Body Mandala.


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PRACTICE TIME!1. Draw your interpretation of a volcano. 2. Think of something that makes you blow your top. Place it

on your volcano drawing. 3. Go back to your Lift Off and Landing activities/ things that

lift you up and give you joy or ground and bring you joy to place on your volcano.


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The 3 Ps is an excellent tool to help with creating the anger volcano

Predict

Practice

Plan B

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Predictwhat you think will agitate you

Practice what you want to want to do to cross to the other side as you climb up the volcano.

Plan B: Have a back up planin case what you predicted & practiced does not happen & you fall in the volcano.

(C) 2020 FINDING HOPE CONSULTING, LLC WWW.FINDINGHOPECONSULTING.COM

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I Am The Me You Have Given Me

Objective 4:

• Identify and demonstrate techniques for helping ourselves and others experience felt safety


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Returning to Felt Safety, Attachment & Regulation (FAR) with

Grounding, Resourcing & Orienting

GroundingFelt Safety

ResourcingAttachment

OrientingRegulation


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Returning to FAR with Grounding, Resourcing & Orienting


Grounding (Felt Safety) is connecting with your five senses to bring you back to the here and now. Remember trauma memory takes over the here and now part of your brain.

Resourcing (Attachment) is bringing into your mind something that reminds you of a safe other or anything that helps you feel safe (because whatever that is, is connected to a visceral memory of a safe other even if you do not know what that memory is)

Orienting (Regulation) is reconnecting with time as much as possible.

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Returning to FAR with Grounding, Resourcing & Orienting


A Grounding Exercise: Notice what you are experiencing through your five sensesFelt Safety

A Resourcing Exercise: Think of something or someone that brings you comfort. Bring this being, place or action alive in your mind using as many of your senses as possible.

Attachment

An Orienting Exercise: Notice where you are, what time it is, the day of the week, the date, the season, your age. Regulation

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Now Let’s Try Reflect, Honor & get Curious

as a Self-Care PracticeSarah Buffie

• on what you’re feeling - both sensations and emotions

Reflect

• that what you are feeling (both sensations & emotions) are true for you in this moment.

Honor

• about the situation, the process, what you’re noticing, what’s important to you…

Get Curious


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What New Awareness might Regulating, Relating

and CreatingOpen for You?


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Endurance does not come from hope alone. It begins with knowing, and having the courage to face and accept, the reality of the ground upon which we stand. Survival comes from balancing reality with optimism and hope.

~ Amy Acton, MD 4/21/2020


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success for our time together

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