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Larry wins big in first round of court, but thebattle takes its toll on SincLIAR's appearance.By Marv Grasnick and Jeff Dense Stiff Reporters Feb. 28, 2011 10:22AM

Larry SincLIAR stored a victory inD.C. today as he managed toavoid going to jail, or being thrownout of the courtroom of notedSpanish explorer Ponce de Leon.The extremely elderly adventurer vigorously questioned Oprah. Thetalk show host appeareduncharacteristically nervous andill-prepared at first, but regainedher composure after giving severalpeople in the courtroom new carscourtesy of Chevrolet. Then, it was

Larry's turn.

Larry had nothing to offer, but thetruth. He approached the benchresplendent in a lilac shirt andpurple tie that foretold spring was

soon approaching and that the cherry blossoms would soon be in bloom, although they wouldbe blooming white and not lilac. Clutching reams of loose and jumbled papers, the sphericallycoiffed defendant excitedly chortled to the former governor of Puerto Rico, "I have proof Parcheesi is still pornographic! Secret proof I have secretly kept secret until today." He thenpulled out a plastic playing piece from the much beloved family board game, thrusting ittoward Ponce de Leon, and dropping all his papers. His pudgy foot slipped on one of theerrant sheets, and Mr. SincLIAR fell thunderously to the floor, serious injury prevented by hismore than ample ass.

Undeterred by his clumsiness, the beached whale of a hungry bottom held the playing piecealoft. "See," he screeched, "It's shaped like a penis. Like a penis with a bulbous tip. Andchildren touch these."

de Leon peered over the bench at Larry, and giggled, "What a wee wienie, Mr SincLIAR."Larry followed the explorer's eyes, which were fixed not upon the hand that held thepornographic playing piece, but rather Larry's open fly. The playing piece was slightly larger than Larry's exposed package. Mr. SincLIAR quickly zipped, while Ponce de Leon thenadjourned the session stating that he needed a drink and asking the bailiff for directions to thenearest fountain.

For SincLIAR, today's dramatic victory came at a cost. Forensic biophotometrician LarryWayne Bells noted that SincLIAR  has bloated considerably since his dramatic and internet-televised attempted lardocide. "Mr. SincLIAR consumed a considerable amount of Tic Tacs®,"Bells explained. "They are similar in their action to Mentos®, but not as dramatic. If Larry hadused Mentos® that fateful night, the Secret Service agent would have found him on all four 

walls, ceiling and floor."

Bells compared the photo of Larry leaving the couthouse with one taken just a few yearsearlier with Larry standing outside the National Press Club. "You can see how much Mr.SincLIAR has ballooned." Bells points out. In the earlier photo, SincLIAR appears a bit portly(due, in part to his short stature), but fit. He wears a tight fitting T-shirt showing off his nearlyflat sucked-in stomach, a pair of white cargo shorts lengthening his stubby calves, and ajaunty pork pie hat. By comparing the ratios of pupil distance to apparent waist size, Bells hascalculated that SincLIAR is 1.3 times wider at the waist, which translates to a mass gain of 240%. His calculation is further supported by the size of the AGR (Asseous Gas Reliever) onthe ground at Larry's right side which is used to counter the residual gas buildup from anyremaining Tic Tacs® and Diet Coke®, and as a substitute for the cerise Butt Buddy® he left inChattanooga.

"I guess this proves me right," a wide and weary SincLIAR whined after leaving the

courthouse. Larry also asks all his loyal friend and follower to celebrate yet another victory bysending him large quantities of cash. "They're not going to throw you out of your trailer because of a few missed rental payments," Larry continued, speaking from experience.