Systems in Nature

The Church Family as a System- How Members Relate

o The tension of “I” and “We”.

o A healthy family has a good balance of the two.

- Every Family Has a Culture

o Beliefs

o Values

o Behaviors

o Alignment and Agreement

Agreement involves the willing acceptance of beliefs, values, and behaviors by the members.

Alignment involves consistency between beliefs, values and behaviors.

Session 2The Environment of The Land of Us

Alignment is present when behaviors grow out of shared values defined by shared beliefs.

- The Role of Emotional Processes

o Emotional processes defined: The way members understand and work through their emotions in response to both internal and external forces.

o Examples. The way we respond to one another and outside forces can produce:

Anxiety or peace.

Fear or security.

Distrust or trust.

Competition or cooperation.

Animosity or goodwill.

o The “lighted match in a room filled with gas” phenomenon.

Characteristics of a Broken System (The material in this section is largely taken from Edwin Friedman’s book, A Failure of Nerve)

“When families get fixated on their symptoms - abuse, alcoholism, delinquency, marital conflict, or chronic physical illness - rather than on the emotional processes that keep those symptoms chronic, they will recycle their problems perpetually no matter what technical changes they make, how much advice they receive from experts, or how hard they try to understand their symptoms.” (Edwin Friedman, A Failure of Nerve)

- Reactivityo “In such systems, anxiety circuits become superconductive; there is little

resistance within the system to its surges.” (Friedman)

o Reactionary systems are characterized by the tendency to: Members frequently interrupt one another.

Tendency to take things personally.

Communication (particularly in conflict) consists primarily of diagnostic “you” statements rather than self-defining “I” statements.

- Herd Mentalityo “In the herding family, dissent is discouraged, feelings are more important than

ideas, peace will be valued over progress, comfort and familiarity over innovation, and narrowly defined virtues over innovation.” (Keith’s paraphrase of Friedman quote)

o Characteristics: The “herd instinct” upsets the “I”-“We” balance by demanding that

loyalty to togetherness take priority over individuality.

Tend to operate on the “all or nothing” principle in which members must be loyal to the herd in every respect or they will be perceived as traitors. Ironically, this tendency results in frequent fracturing of the herd as those who are not totally loyal are shunned or expelled by the herd.

The herding family will adopt an appeasement strategy toward its most troublesome members while sabotaging those who with the most strength to stand up to the troublemakers.

Substantial systemic blind spots.

- Blame Displacemento “Chronically anxious families encourage blame rather than ownership. Every

crisis has its own context, but there is one universal: a chronically anxious family will focus on the outside agent rather than on its own response.” (Friedman)

o Characteristics: An underlying sense of entitlement that assumes others are responsible

for one’s well-being.

A “victim mentality” that takes over whenever circumstances or outside forces are perceived (real or not) to be threats to one’s well-being.

An unwillingness to take responsibility for one’s own actions (including one’s response to real offenses) or to accept the resulting consequences.

- Quick-Fix Mentalityo “The chronically anxious family is impatient.” (Friedman)

o Characteristics: A low pain threshold.

Fascination with information and techniques (“tips and tricks”) as opposed to the hard work of character development.

A tendency to short-circuit growth by rescuing members who are struggling.

A tendency to live in denial of deeper issues because confronting them is to costly or painful.

- Lack of self-differentiated leadership.o “What is always absent from chronically anxious, regressed families is a member

who can get himself or herself outside of its reactive, herding, blaming, quick-fix processes sufficiently to take stands.” (Friedman)

o Characteristics of a self-differentiated leader: Is able to be an “I” in the face of pressure to conform to the “we.”

“Self-differentiated leaders are not autocrats who tell everyone else what to do, but those who have the kind of clarity about his or her own identity, purpose and mission that allows them to avoid getting lost or swamped by the anxious emotional process that threaten every relational system.” (Friedman)

Neither is a well-differentiated leader one who keeps everyone at arm’s length. Rather, such a leader is actually able to draw near and bring strength precisely because he or she is not consumed with personal insecurities or the compulsion to meet everyone’s expectations.

Biblical Wisdom for Broken Systems- Regarding Reactivity

o Jesus refused to be sucked into Martha’s anxiety. (Luke 10:38-42)

o “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” (James 1:19)

o Don’t worry about tomorrow (worry is a reactionary response). Seek first the kingdom of God and these things will be added. (Matt 6:25-34)

- Regarding Herding.

o God commanded Ezekiel to bring a prophetic word to a nation of rebels and encouraged him to be obedient regardless of the people’s response. (Ezekiel 2:4-7)

o Jesus was willing to stand up to the “herd” of Pharisees who were threatened by his “new” message. (Luke 11:14-12:12)

o Jesus prayed that God would help us to be “in the world, but not of it” (John 17:15-19). Likewise, Paul reminds us not to be “conformed to this world,” but to be “transformed by the renewing of our minds.” (Romans 12:1-2)

o Jesus declared that loyalty to God must take precedence over loyalty to family. (Matthew 10:34-37)

- Regarding Blame Displacement.

o “People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the Lord.” (Proverbs 19:3, NLT)

o “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” (Galatians 6:7-8)

o “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:1-5)

- Regarding Quick-fix Mentality

o “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4)

o Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of

righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:7-11)

o Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” (1 Corinthians 9:24-27)

- Regarding Self-Differentiation

o Doctrines of “The Trinity” and “Imago Dei”.

o God’s declaration of Jesus’ identity at His baptism followed by Satan’s attack on His identity in the wilderness (Matthew 3:13-4:1-10).

o Paul’s response to the various “parties” in the Corinthian church who were pitting Paul against Apollos and Peter. He demonstrates confidence in his own identity without the need to attack the identity of others (1 Corinthians 3:1-10).

o “For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” (Romans 5:10-11)

o Your identity “in Christ” (Ephesians 1:3-14).