Telling ! ?Telling ! ?Sandra StewartSandra Stewart

With ideas borrowed from Mara KeislingWith ideas borrowed from Mara Keisling

Who Are You ??Who Are You ??

Why this studyWhy this study How was it doneHow was it done What have I learnedWhat have I learned

Should You ?Should You ?

Why now?Why now?

Or even should you?Or even should you? What are your motives?What are your motives?

Is it necessary? Is it necessary? How might they react?How might they react?

Coming OutComing Out

Coming out is a process not a single Coming out is a process not a single event. We have been coming out all event. We have been coming out all of our lives and we need to of our lives and we need to remember that when we wish to remember that when we wish to share with others that which is such share with others that which is such a large part of us part of us.a large part of us part of us.

It’s Not About YouIt’s Not About You

I know you find that's hard to believe I know you find that's hard to believe You must address their concerns, You must address their concerns,

not yoursnot yours

Coming out is a process, Coming out is a process,

you have had years learning to deal you have had years learning to deal with it,with it,

or not or not

Why isn’t it about me?Why isn’t it about me?

They are more likely to They are more likely to understand/accept if it is about understand/accept if it is about them. them.

If they accept better, you win!If they accept better, you win! You have as I said had years, they You have as I said had years, they

have not.have not. Remember this is not the most Remember this is not the most

important thing in their life important thing in their life

CommunicateCommunicate

Work on their level Work on their level People hear differentlyPeople hear differently Are you aware that what you are Are you aware that what you are

hearing is not exactly what I am hearing is not exactly what I am saying?saying?

Success Factors Success Factors

Who you areWho you are Who the other person is Who the other person is The relationship you shareThe relationship you share How you tell!How you tell!

TimingTiming

Chose the time carefully, if Chose the time carefully, if other things are intruding other things are intruding into the relationship it may into the relationship it may be wiser to wait.be wiser to wait.

Chose the location sensibly, in a car Chose the location sensibly, in a car with them driving is probably NOT a with them driving is probably NOT a good placegood place

WhereWhere A neutral location, A neutral location, Park Park Their homeTheir home It needs to be a safe place for them It needs to be a safe place for them And you if they own guns!And you if they own guns!

AllyAlly Consider enlisting an ally, for Consider enlisting an ally, for

example a therapist or example a therapist or knowledgeable friend or sibling.knowledgeable friend or sibling.

The MessageThe Message

Frame the message Frame the message positively! positively!

Not I have a problem Not I have a problem More I have something I wish More I have something I wish

to share with you. to share with you. A relationship based on truthA relationship based on truth

FIRSTFIRST The First impression IS THE most The First impression IS THE most

importantimportant Advertising Advertising And political addsAnd political adds What you say first What you say first

AnswersAnswers Have the answers! Have the answers! Do your homework! Do your homework! Do your homework! Do your homework! Do your homework! Do your homework!

ReactionReaction The news may be up setting and the The news may be up setting and the

reaction negative. reaction negative. It is a process. Just as it has been for It is a process. Just as it has been for

you a life time process so it will for you a life time process so it will for them respect that. them respect that.

How they react now, will most likely How they react now, will most likely not be how they react laternot be how they react later

Testing testing 123Testing testing 123 Testing the waters, it is possible in Testing the waters, it is possible in

conversation to obliquely bring up a conversation to obliquely bring up a subject. There are various other subject. There are various other ways including what I call the ways including what I call the Tootsie approach (using movies and Tootsie approach (using movies and television programs). There is also television programs). There is also the Halloween approach, a fairly the Halloween approach, a fairly safe time to express “variance”. safe time to express “variance”. After all it is our national holiday. After all it is our national holiday.

ExampleExample I used to tell my kids "picture stories", which were like I used to tell my kids "picture stories", which were like

crude comic strips. We'd do this as the bed time story. To crude comic strips. We'd do this as the bed time story. To tell them, I did a picture story along these lines: "There tell them, I did a picture story along these lines: "There was once a little boy who felt like a little girl, but didn't was once a little boy who felt like a little girl, but didn't feel he could tell anyone because he was scared of what feel he could tell anyone because he was scared of what everyone would think. He grew up and had a partner and everyone would think. He grew up and had a partner and kids and they eventually separated. After they separated, kids and they eventually separated. After they separated, the little boy, who was now a man, still felt like a little girl the little boy, who was now a man, still felt like a little girl inside. He decided that he really need to be that little girl, inside. He decided that he really need to be that little girl, so that he could grow up and become a woman. The little so that he could grow up and become a woman. The little boy was me, when I was a lot younger, and so now I am boy was me, when I was a lot younger, and so now I am going to start being a woman." This was accompanied by going to start being a woman." This was accompanied by pictures of a little boy, over-drawn with a dress, then a pictures of a little boy, over-drawn with a dress, then a picture of a family with a Mum, a Dad and two children, picture of a family with a Mum, a Dad and two children, and then finally a man, with an over-drawn dress on. After and then finally a man, with an over-drawn dress on. After that I made sure they knew that I loved them very much that I made sure they knew that I loved them very much and I would continue to see them as often as I did at the and I would continue to see them as often as I did at the time.time.

Gender IdentityGender IdentityGender IdentityGender Identity   

FrequencFrequenc

yy PercentPercent Valid PercentValid PercentCumulativeCumulative

PercentPercent

ValiValidd

crossdressercrossdresser 3434 2.22.2 23.823.8 23.823.8

transvestitetransvestite 33 0.20.2 2.12.1 25.925.9   

transgenderedtransgendered 2424 1.51.5 16.816.8 42.742.7   

non-op non-op transsexualtranssexual 99 0.60.6 6.36.3 49.049.0

  

pre-op pre-op transsexualtranssexual 2727 1.71.7 18.918.9 67.867.8

  

Post op Post op transsexualtranssexual 2626 1.71.7 18.218.2 86.086.0

  

otherother 1515 1.01.0 10.510.5 96.596.5   

99.0099.00 55 0.30.3 3.53.5 100.0100.0   

TotalTotal 143143 9.29.2 100.0100.0      

Gender IdentityGender Identity

So Initial ReactionSo Initial Reaction

SO Current AttitudeSO Current Attitude

How did they find outHow did they find out

ExampleExample

The two from my first marriage The two from my first marriage learned as teenagers, my wife's learned as teenagers, my wife's children learned when we told them children learned when we told them after we had been married a few after we had been married a few years. years.

When we told my children we When we told my children we learned they had found my clothes learned they had found my clothes and suspected something was going and suspected something was going on.on.

Example 2Example 2

describe He found my cigarette describe He found my cigarette butt's with lipstick stains and butt's with lipstick stains and thought that I was seeing another thought that I was seeing another woman, his mother told him it wasn't woman, his mother told him it wasn't another woman that what he found another woman that what he found was my cigarett butts and the was my cigarett butts and the lipstick was what I was wearing lipstick was what I was wearing when I smoked.. Eventually telling when I smoked.. Eventually telling him that I crossdressedhim that I crossdressed

Example 3Example 3

They are all four grown with lives of They are all four grown with lives of their own--the universal response when their own--the universal response when we told them of my crossdressing was we told them of my crossdressing was "Does Mom know? Is she okay with it?" "Does Mom know? Is she okay with it?" When she told them she knew and was When she told them she knew and was supportive that was okay with them.supportive that was okay with them.

We have two sons--#3 and #4--who are We have two sons--#3 and #4--who are gay and my "coming out" to them gay and my "coming out" to them helped their personal lives by realizing helped their personal lives by realizing that they, too, are accepted by us.that they, too, are accepted by us.

Childs Initial ReactionChilds Initial Reaction

Childs Current ReactionChilds Current Reaction

Security BreachSecurity Breach

Problems as a result of Problems as a result of some one child told some one child told

School ProblemsSchool Problems

ExampleExample

Problem at school? Not yet. My son Problem at school? Not yet. My son (and their mother) has been a bit (and their mother) has been a bit worried about my daughter talking worried about my daughter talking about it at school. My son is very about it at school. My son is very quiet and is worried about getting quiet and is worried about getting teased, whilst my daughter is very teased, whilst my daughter is very outgoing. She would say "My Dad is outgoing. She would say "My Dad is now a girl. I don't care what you now a girl. I don't care what you think". So far it hasn't happened yet.think". So far it hasn't happened yet.

This is InterestingThis is Interesting

One of the questions asked was, “is One of the questions asked was, “is there any one else in your family there any one else in your family that is T*”.that is T*”.

Possibilities Possibilities

1 genetic family trait1 genetic family trait

2 this is indicative of the general 2 this is indicative of the general populationpopulation

Other transgendered people in Other transgendered people in your familyyour family

Are there any other transgendered people in your family?Are there any other transgendered people in your family?

FrequencyFrequency PercentPercent

Valid Valid PercePerce

ntnt

CumulativCumulative e

PercenPercentt

ValidValid

yesyes 2020 1.31.3 14.014.0 14.014.0

nono 6565 4.24.2 45.545.5 59.459.4UnknownUnknowndon't knowdon't know 5454 3.53.5 37.837.8 97.297.2

99.0099.00 44 0.30.3 2.82.8 100.0100.0

TotalTotal 143143 9.29.2 100.0100.0   MissiMissi

ngng SystemSystem 1,4191,419 90.890.8      

TotalTotal 1,5621,562 100.0100.0      

                 

ExampleExample

My grandson (age 8) is showing My grandson (age 8) is showing some transgendered tendencies. My some transgendered tendencies. My daughter and her husband are daughter and her husband are taking it as a simple fact of life and taking it as a simple fact of life and not making a big deal of it.not making a big deal of it.

Childs Initial Reaction, Spouse or SO's Childs Initial Reaction, Spouse or SO's current attitudecurrent attitude

SO's current attitudeSO's current attitude

TotalTotal

  

very very supportivsupportiv

ee

SupportiSupportiveve

somsometimetimeses

tolerantolerantt

TolerantTolerant somesometimetime

ssnegatinegati

veve otherother   

Childs Childs Initial Initial ReactiReacti

onon

positivepositive

2727 99 22 00 11 99 4848   

64.3%64.3% 40.9%40.9% 28.6%28.6% 0.0%0.0% 16.716.7%%

36.0%36.0% 39.3%39.3%  

indiffereindifferentnt

88 55 22 1111 33 77 3636   

19.0%19.0% 22.7%22.7% 28.6%28.6% 55.0%55.0% 50.050.0%%

28.0%28.0% 29.5%29.5%  

negativenegative33 55 22 77 00 66 2323   

7.1%7.1% 22.7%22.7% 28.6%28.6% 35.0%35.0% 0.0%0.0% 24.0%24.0% 18.9%18.9%   

otherother

44 33 11 22 22 33 1515   

9.5%9.5% 13.6%13.6% 14.3%14.3% 10.0%10.0% 33.333.3%%

12.0%12.0% 12.3%12.3%  

TotalTotal4242 2222 77 2020 66 2525 122122   

100.0%100.0% 100.0%100.0% 100.0%100.0% 100.0%100.0% 100.0100.0%%

100.0%100.0% 100.0100.0%%   

                             

Child Age Told * Childs Current Reaction CrosstabulationChild Age Told * Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation

Childs Current ReactionChilds Current Reaction

TotalTotalvery very

supportivesupportive supportivesupportivesupportive supportive sometimessometimes toleranttolerant

tolerant tolerant sometimessometimes negativenegative otherother

Child Child Age Age ToldTold

0-30-31515 22 11 22 00 22 33 2525

60.0%60.0% 8.0%8.0% 4.0%4.0% 8.0%8.0% 0.0%0.0% 8.0%8.0% 12.0%12.0% 100.0%100.0%

4-74-71313 88 33 33 00 22 33 3232

40.6%40.6% 25.0%25.0% 9.4%9.4% 9.4%9.4% 0.0%0.0% 6.3%6.3% 9.4%9.4% 100.0%100.0%

8-118-111919 99 66 66 00 77 33 5050

38.0%38.0% 18.0%18.0% 12.0%12.0% 12.0%12.0% 0.0%0.0% 14.0%14.0% 6.0%6.0% 100.0%100.0%

12-1512-151010 1616 22 1111 11 88 11 4949

20.4%20.4% 32.7%32.7% 4.1%4.1% 22.4%22.4% 2.0%2.0% 16.3%16.3% 2.0%2.0% 100.0%100.0%

16-16-1199

1414 1111 55 99 00 33 55 4747

29.8%29.8% 23.4%23.4% 10.6%10.6% 19.1%19.1% 0.0%0.0% 6.4%6.4% 10.6%10.6% 100.0%100.0%

20-20-2233

1111 33 22 99 00 55 00 3030

36.7%36.7% 10.0%10.0% 6.7%6.7% 30.0%30.0% 0.0%0.0% 16.7%16.7% 0.0%0.0% 100.0%100.0%

24-3024-3077 00 11 66 11 44 11 2020

35.0%35.0% 0.0%0.0% 5.0%5.0% 30.0%30.0% 5.0%5.0% 20.0%20.0% 5.0%5.0% 100.0%100.0%

31+31+55 88 00 11 22 44 33 2323

21.7%21.7% 34.8%34.8% 0.0%0.0% 4.3%4.3% 8.7%8.7% 17.4%17.4% 13.0%13.0% 100.0%100.0%

TotalTotal9494 5757 2020 4747 44 3535 1919 276276

34.1%34.1% 20.7%20.7% 7.2%7.2% 17.0%17.0% 1.4%1.4% 12.7%12.7% 6.9%6.9% 100.0%100.0%

                             

Age Told v Current Age Told v Current ReactionReaction

Child Age Told vs. Child Age Told vs. AcceptanceAcceptance

Child Age Told * Childs Current Reaction CrosstabulationChild Age Told * Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation

Count Count

Childs Current ReactionChilds Current Reaction

TotalTotalvery very

supportivesupportive supportivesupportiveSupportiveSupportive sometimessometimes toleranttolerant

tolerant tolerant sometimessometimes negativenegative otherother

Child Age Child Age ToldTold

0-30-3 1515 22 11 22 00 22 33 2525

  4-74-7 1313 88 33 33 00 22 33 3232

8-118-11 1919 99 66 66 00 77 33 5050

12-1512-15 1010 1616 22 1111 11 88 11 4949

16-1916-19 1414 1111 55 99 00 33 55 4747

20-2320-23 1111 33 22 99 00 55 00 3030

24-3024-30 77 00 11 66 11 44 11 2020

31 +31 + 55 88 00 11 22 44 33 2323

TotalTotal 9494 5757 2020 4747 44 3535 1919 276276

                             

Telling and Supporting Telling and Supporting Wives and SO’sWives and SO’s

Has any one not told ?Has any one not told ? This may have the most value in being able to This may have the most value in being able to

help friends help friends Principles discussed earlier applyPrinciples discussed earlier apply Which means this section will be Which means this section will be shortershorter

However However

Significant GoodiesSignificant Goodies

Your SO’s support is VITAL to the Your SO’s support is VITAL to the children's happiness and level of children's happiness and level of acceptance!acceptance!

Except Except Her level of acceptance is dependant Her level of acceptance is dependant

on a number of factorson a number of factors

Factors in AcceptanceFactors in Acceptance

When they found outWhen they found out Who she/he is!Who she/he is! What you have done.What you have done. How she found out.How she found out.

And nowAnd now

The WellThe Well

My two oldest girls have heard more My two oldest girls have heard more negative talk about me from my ex negative talk about me from my ex so when they see me they have their so when they see me they have their Mothers biases to deal with. The Mothers biases to deal with. The younger two live with me and are younger two live with me and are just wonderful about it all. just wonderful about it all.

Extreme reactionExtreme reaction

My wife told them while I was out-My wife told them while I was out-against my wishesagainst my wishes

Are u kidding me? I walked in and Are u kidding me? I walked in and found both kids hysterical, lying on found both kids hysterical, lying on the family room carpet...banging the family room carpet...banging their heads on the floor, crying-their heads on the floor, crying-sobbing and screaming Why? WHY? sobbing and screaming Why? WHY? Why? Since then they hardly talk to Why? Since then they hardly talk to me and I hardly see themme and I hardly see them

A dream come true?A dream come true?

description_of_attitude_of_partner:description_of_attitude_of_partner:

she loves having power over she loves having power over me.whenever i'm with her she makes me.whenever i'm with her she makes dress as a girl or else.dress as a girl or else.

description_of_attitude_of_children:description_of_attitude_of_children:

her mother is teaching her how to her mother is teaching her how to humilate me.susan invites her friends humilate me.susan invites her friends over while i am dressed as a woman.over while i am dressed as a woman.

Prepared?Prepared?

Count Count

Preparation to tellPreparation to tell

TotalTotalnonenoneconsulted withconsulted with

therapisttherapisttalked with T*talked with T*

friendsfriends

gathered gathered InformationInformation from booksfrom books

gathered gathered information on information on

internetinternet

SO’sSO’scurrent current attitudeattitude

very very supportivesupportive 55 22 22 33 77 1919

supportivesupportive 99 00 11 22 88 2020

supportive supportive sometimessometimes 1111 00 22 11 11 1515

toleranttolerant 88 00 00 11 33 1212

tolerant tolerant sometimessometimes 88 00 00 00 22 1010

negativenegative 1010 00 00 11 11 1212

otherother 11 00 00 00 00 11

TotalTotal 5252 22 55 88 2222 8989

                       

ExampleExample

The web was an amazing resource, The web was an amazing resource, as well as my many TS friends that I as well as my many TS friends that I had during my transition. I can't had during my transition. I can't think of any one author or site that think of any one author or site that was good. There is a desperate need was good. There is a desperate need for more information on how to for more information on how to break the news to the children. It break the news to the children. It was one of the hardest things I had was one of the hardest things I had to face.to face.

Support Group Value!Support Group Value!

Spouse or SO's current attitude SO member of support groupSpouse or SO's current attitude SO member of support group

Count Count

SO member of support groupSO member of support group

TotalTotalyesyes nono

Spouse or Spouse or SO's SO's

current current attitudeattitude

very very supportivesupportive 1414 33 1717

supportivesupportive 77 77 1414

SupportiveSupportive sometimessometimes 44 77 1111

toleranttolerant 11 66 77

tolerant tolerant sometimessometimes 11 55 66

negativenegative 11 1515 1616

otherother 11 11 22

TotalTotal 2929 4444 7373

Initial ReactionInitial Reaction

What was spouse or SO’s initial reaction When did spouse or SO find out? What was spouse or SO’s initial reaction When did spouse or SO find out?

Count Count

When did spouse or SO find out?When did spouse or SO find out?

TotalTotal

BeforeBefore marriedmarried

After marriedAfter marriedbefore before

childrenchildren

While While children children

growing upgrowing up

After After children children

growngrown OtherOther

Initial Initial reaction?reaction?

Very Very supportivesupportive 77 00 11 33 00 1111

supportivesupportive 44 00 11 55 44 1414

supportive supportive sometimessometimes 00 00 22 33 11 66

toleranttolerant 1111 11 55 33 11 2121

tolerant tolerant sometimessometimes 33 00 00 66 11 1010

negativenegative 33 00 99 1414 88 3434

otherother 22 00 00 11 11 44

TotalTotal 3030 11 1818 3535 1616 100100

Support!Support!

The best support for wives is other The best support for wives is other wives wives

It can be as little as an e-mail groupIt can be as little as an e-mail group Better yet in personBetter yet in person They do have to be They do have to be openopen to support! to support!

Church activityChurch activity

Count Count

SO's church activitySO's church activity

TotalTotal

does not does not regularly regularly

attend attend churchchurch

attends attends regularly regularly

once or twiceonce or twice a montha month

attends once a attends once a weekweek

attends or isattends or is active more active more than once than once

A weekA week

SO’s currentSO’s current attitudeattitude

very very supportivesupportive 1212 11 33 33 1919

supportivesupportive 66 33 44 22 1515

supportive supportive sometimessometimes 44 22 11 33 1010

toleranttolerant 11 33 22 11 77

TolerantTolerant sometimessometimes 33 33 22 11 99

negativenegative 33 22 00 77 1212

TotalTotal 2929 1414 1212 1717 7272