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Read all about it! The shocking outcome of Lord Marmarati's trial, an exclusive interview with St John his successor and more in this edition of The Daily Spread!TRANSCRIPT
Esteemed readers, The Daily Spread can exclusively reveal that, following weeks of suspicion, Lord Marmarati hath been this very eve found guilty of treason in a court of Marmarati Law and sentenced to Marmite and feathering followed by 10 years hard labour in the glass blowing factory.
Before an audience of Marmarati members, a
jury of his peers found Lord Marmarati guilty
of consorting with the Marmaladi, squandering
Marmarati riches, endangering the future of XO
and conduct unbecoming of a member of the
Marmarati.
Weeks of Suspicion
Lord Marmarati first stumbled from grace in
August when his own butler spied him having an
illicit pre supper snack of marmalade. Rumours
spread faster than Marmite over muffins that the
ex-great leader’s tongue had been turned by the
citrus poison.
Treachery and perfidy Lord Marmarati was then seen dining on
marmalade with Lady Marmaladi and was
later found to have placed a large order for
marmalade and to have holidayed in Seville,
home of the Seville orange, the devil in fruit
form that birthed the sticky venom. Our
fallen Lord also made a series of suspicious
communiations via the electric telephone
to Denmark. Most shocking of all was the
relevation, before the court of Marmarati Law
that he plotted with the Marmaladi to endanger
the precious formula of XO.
Mounting evidenceLord Marmarati protested his innocence right
to the very last. But in the face of mounting
evidence, his besmirched reputation proved
as difficult to cleanse as pyjamas stained with
Marmite during a midnight snack, leading one
observer to conclude that Lord Marmarati had
licked his last butter knife.
Be-squish the yeast wormA member of the Marmarati who did not wish
to be named described Lord Marmarati as “a
yeast worm that deserves to be squished by the
shoe of justice”. Another said that “upon the
morn I shall savour my XO all the more for the
knowledge that our dark elixir has been saved
from such grave danger”.
A punishment to fit the crimePresiding Judge Renfrew Wilson sentenced
Lord Marmarati to be Marmited and feathered
followed by 10 years hard labour in the glass
blowing factory.
Long Live Lord Mamarati In accordance with ancient Marmarati Law, a
new Lord Marmarati was elected post haste,
without further ado and with notable absence of
brouhaha. Candidates Master Spreader David
Titman, Senior Ambassador Nathan Pask and
Master Blender St.John selflessly volunteered
for the role, and although all present agreed
the trio were good and worthful candidates, the
gathered parties hearts and minds were with
Master Blender St.John. He pipped the post and
is thusly elected Lord Marmarati. Long Live
Lord Marmarati.
Read more of his daring escape on page 2...
EXCLUSIVEIt’s the end of the jar for Lord Marmarati
Late London Edition17th November 2011
SpreadDaily The
News17th November 2011Daily SpreadThe
Halt the presses!Lord Marmarati apprehended at Paddington Station. The disgraced Lord Marmarati was apprehended at Paddington Station this evening, having led a court of Marmarti Law to believe he had been confined to his bedchamber by illness. In a shocking fit of immorality, the Ex-Lord even forged a letter from his own mother in order to mislead the court and make his escape. But alas the fates were against the dishonoured ex-ruler of the Marmarati and he was apprehended by agents working for the Inner Sanctum. The shamed ex-leader was found attempting to board a locomotive at Paddington station, (a station forever associated with marmalade because of children’s horror story Paddington Bear, in which the evil substance is forced upon the eponymous bear). It is believed Lord Marmarati intended to spirit himself away to Denmark. His attempt having been thwarted, the ex-dignitary now resides in the dungeon beneath Marmamanor House.
Monumite unveiled in Burton-on-TrentIn a move that fulfills their General Election promise of 2010, the victorious
Love Party unveiled the grand and wondrous Monumite, finally giving
lovers a greatly and oft required shrine to their ardor.
The Monumite is carved from the finest Portland stone and was christened
‘Monumite’ by Lord Kevin McDonald of Birmingham and Lady Claire Tye
of Dorset.
Burton-on-Trent is coping admirably with the throngs of pilgrims flocking
to their humble city to commune with the structure. It’s orb like form echoes
Marmite’s majestic jar and is no less than a feat of modern engineering.
Exclusive interview: St.John is elected and sworn in
St.John, ex-Master Blender and devoted lover of Marmite XO
has fi lled the void left at the helm of the Marmarati by the
removal of the tarnished Lord Marmarati.
With Lord Marmarati’s body in chains and reputation in tatters it was
essential for the preservation of our society that a replacement be found
immediately. With alacrity, a choice of worthy candidates were rounded
up, with St.John rising up as the clear winner.
An observer said, “With our ex-Lord’s mantle still warm from his
perfi dious body, St.John, ex-Master Blender and dedicated member of the
Inner Sanctum, has grasped the future of the Marmarati and our sacred XO
in his hands without hesitation. For a moment I feared for the future of
XO. Now I know I will rest easy tonight, relaxed in the knowledge that the
fate of our sticky mistress is safe in his hands”. In accordance with ancient
Marmarati law, St.John’s coronation will take place within nine waxes of
the moon.
Meet the man behind the Lordship Following the dramatic fall from grace of Lord Marmarati, ex-Master
Blender St.John valiantly stepped forward to lead the Marmarati. Having
campaigned on a reformation ticket, changes are afoot for the Marmarati.
Here his Lordship waxes lyrical about his plans.
Pray tell our readers, what doth the future hold for The Marmarati?Through the Marmarati the universal pride in anointing toast with our elixir shall
become so intense that members of the Marmaladi will run to hide their shame by
spreading their ointment on the underside of their unfortunate crusts!
What do you hasten to change fi rst?To have more ladies included in the inner sanctum, we strive to create a fair
Marmatocracy.
What will you be preserving?Not one nuance of the character of our dark mistress shall be defi led, including
even the temperature at which she may be preserved. As the cold weather
approaches the re-assuring warmth of toast should not be abused, and yet many
of the Marmaladi are advised to keep their potions in cooling cabinets and
refrigerators. Spreading this chilling slime destroys the re-assuring benefi ts of
warming. Our own spread can stand, as it always did, for its whole life in the
kitchen, proud, welcoming and warm.
And what will become of XO?It shall become so distinctive that, simply by touching the jar, every member of
the Marmarati will know they are in the company of the fi nest unction created.
News17th November 2011Daily SpreadThe
Eurozone Crisis – Marmaladi infi ltrate Danish Government European scholars believe the dreaded Marmaladi may have infi ltrated the Danish government. They have been led to this conclusion by a shock move from the country’s Food and Veterinary Administration that decreed Marmite unfi t for sale within their borders.
Without care or considerations for the many lovers residing in their lands (both home-grown and ex-pat) the countries leaders have banned sale of the sticky substance because of its high vitamin content.
Since it is a well known fact that Marmite is delicious, attractive to look at and incredibly wonderful in all ways, experts say they can only conclude that the move is the result of Marmaladi operatives working in Denmark.
The Inner Sanctum released the following statement:
“This is a shocking state of affairs into which we shall look most seriously as soon as we have fi nished elevensies.” The Inner Sanctum also urged that members of the Marmarati resist from
acts of retaliation or retribution against Danish bacon and pastries.
Government offi cials deny ban In a statement issued on
their information super
carriageway station, the
rulers of the Danish fi efdom
stated that, “Neither Marmite
nor Vegemite and similar
products have been banned
by the Danish Food And
Veterinary Administration.
However, fortifi ed foods with
added vitamins, minerals
or other substances cannot
be marketed in Denmark
unless approved by Danish
food authorities. According
to the Danish Order on
food additives, addition
of vitamins, minerals and
other substances need to
be approved by the Danish
Veterinary and Food Administration before the product can be marketed in
Denmark”.
Do your bit In times such as these it is essential that we pull together. Until the
Marmarati declare victory in Europe, readers of The Daily Spread are
requested to do their bit. If you know of any lover currently residing in
Denmark, please dispatch to them a Marmite parcel with haste.
International News17th November 2011Daily SpreadThe
Do you take this jar?Gird your loins male readers. We have some terrible news for ye. One of the Marmarati’s most eligible bachelorettes has been snapped up in a marriage ceremony most mouthwatering this very year.
Met at universityJennifer Constant, honourable member of the
Marmarati since 2010 met her beau whilst
improving her mind at university. Her suitor asked
to borrow her Marmite and won her heart too
when their eyes met over a delicious cheese and
Marmite Earl-of-Sandwich.
Social climbingThe match proved most advantageous for Mr
Constant. Previously a non-Marmarato, it was
decreed that after the nuptials he would be
allowed to join our ranks. In fact, no sooner had
the good fellow pledged his marriage vows than he took the Marmarati
Oath too. Bravo!
A lovely spreadThe couple chose to truly put on
a lovely spread for their esteemed
guests. The blushing bride
arrived resplendent in a Marmite
carriage complete with “Love
it” air freshener. When feasting
commenced, guests were treated
to a delectable wedding cake
baked with Marmite. The groom’s
sister, perhaps also in pursuit of an
invitation to join the Marmarati,
wore a Marmite themed hat a top her
head, complete with concealed jar
for mid-ceremony snacking.
All those on the Daily Spread
Society pages salute the happy
couple.
Society News17th November 2011Daily SpreadThe
A dog’s dinner
Residents of London’s premiere canine foundling hotel, Battersea Dogs and Cats Home, received a sumptuous treat when the Mistress of the home, Lady Claire Horton, took delivery of 100 jars of the velveteen elixir earlier this year.
Lady Horton was bestowed with the accolade
“Dogs Today Endal Award for Services to
Animals”, a tribute given to those who excel in
service to our be-tailed friends, the dogs. Along
with the respect of her peers, her Ladyship also
collected 100 jars of the black manna from heaven.
The reason for this somewhat unusual gift was explained thusly by Lady
Horton, “Battersea dogs definitely ‘love it’ when it comes to Marmite. We
like to provide our dogs with lots of different
activities throughout the week to try and help
them cope better in a kennel environment. One
of the dogs’ favourites is licking Marmite from
chew toys – it keeps them entertained for hours.”
Rumours of plans for a canine division of The
Marmarati have so-far remained unsubstantiated.
Readers are reminded that the Battersea
Dogs and Cats Home is a charitable pursuit,
unsupported by government tithe. Those wishing
to support your furry fellow-lovers may do so by
traversing the information super carriageways to
the following address and making a transfer of
monies. http://www.battersea.org.uk/
Dear Aunty Margery,
I love my husband with all my heart and then some. But there is a great
sadness at the heart of our union. He is not a lover of the black nectar.
At first we thought we could over come our differences and be the Romeo
and Juliet of the condiment world. Alas with our increasing years it has
become too hard. My companion has become unbearably intolerant and
even refuses to kiss me after I have supped on Marmite. This is putting a
strain on our relations. What should I do?
Confused, Preston.
Dear Confused,
I can only assume that love has temporarily separated you from your
senses. Allow me to reunite you with them. Leave. This. Scoundrel. If you
are a true lover of Marmite, you will not allow this man come between you
and your true love, the noir prince. It is admirable, although naïve, that
you imagined love might conquer your differences. I recommend you divert
yourself to the nearest dictionary and look up the word ‘irreconcilable’.
And do not allow this cad to be a blight upon your life a moment longer. I
also direct you to our Lonely Hearts column where I pray you find a more
fitting suitor.
Yours, Aunty Margery
Aunt Margery’s Agony column
Home Affairs17th November 2011Daily SpreadThe
AriesThere are surprises in store for you. Next time
you go to the Frigidaire, be sure to check right at
the back. You may discover an unexpected treat.
TaurusChanges are heading your way. Your humours
will be greatly excited. Fortify your nerves in
preparation with an extra helping of vitamin
B12-laden Marmite today.
Gemini Take a chance on love. Offer half of your
Marmite Earl of Sandwich to that nice-smelling
chap or chappess who sits next to you on the
omnibus. You never know where it might lead.
CancerAn act of kindness on an omnibus may be
mistaken for a romantic advance. Keep your
sandwiches close to your chest today.
LeoPeople will be more receptive to your ideas
this week. Now is the time to posit your daring
Marmite, cinnamon and pear recipe.
VirgoIt’s a fortuitous time for new beginnings. You
have been scraping that jar long enough. It’s time
to move on and launch thy self into a new one.
Go on. Break the seal.
LibraTake heed. Someone at home has left your
jar un-lidded. Stop what you are doing
IMMEDIATELY and go home to replace it.
Scorpio
It’s time to broaden your horizons and consider
new-fangled and ingenious methods to improve
your luncheon. Try marmite and banana for your
midday meal.
Sagittarius It’s time to simplify your life. Rid your larder of
all non-Marmite spreads. Also, luck is on your
side this week – your toast will fall Marmite side
up.
CapricornYou’re stuck in a rut. Eschew toast and try
Marmite spread across a muffi n tomorrow
instead. You won’t regret taking a risk.
AquariusA new suitor may not share your culinary vision.
Be sure to thoroughly examine their taste buds
before you romantically entangle yourself any
further.
PiscesGird the loins for something novel. Someone
may surprise you with a honey and marmite
bagel this week.
HoroscopesLonelyHearts
Second son seeks moneyed heiress with whom to share passion for exotic travel and expensive toasting forks.
Address interest to: Squire
Debutant seeks experienced spreader to teach her the dark arts. Dashing ap-pearance preferred. Good sense of taste essential.
Address interest to: Victoria
Lady who lunches seeks Baron who breakfasts for long leisurely brunches. Dukes who dine will also be consid-ered. No Viscounts.
Address interest to: Elizabeth
Gastronaut seeks Gastroness with whom to share culinary adventures. Ever tried Marmite on gherkins? Me neither. Pray, let’s explore together.
Address interest to: Herbet
Fussy eater requires Gentleman friend to gallantly polish off unwanted mo-stals. I don’t like my crusts. Are you the chap to eat them?
Address interest to: Ethel
Avid picnicer seeks seeks wife. Must have own automobile and clean driver’s certifi cate. Will supply own basket.
Address interest to: Harold
Mnos non moah nof nof nmon mon mnos bmnoph mnos non seeks tolerant ladyfriend who doesn’t mind a chap talking with his mouth full from time to time.
Address interest to: Winston
Leisure17th November 2011Daily SpreadThe
CrosswordLeisure17th November 2011
Daily SpreadThe