the elephant in the office: super-simple strategies for difficult conversations at work
TRANSCRIPT
TheElephantintheOffice
Super-SimpleStrategiesforDifficultConversationsatWork
ByDianeA.Ross
ToMom,foryourlove,yourencouragement,andforshowingmethewaywithyourentrepreneurialspirit.YouandDadalwaysbelievedinmeandforthisIam
forevergrateful.
TableofContents
ANoteFromtheAuthorIntroductionChapter1:WeReallyDoNeedtoTalk...Chapter2:AvoidatYourPeril
Step1:PreparetoTalkChapter3:NailtheRealIssueChapter4:HammerOutYourGoalChapter5:ResisttheTemptation
Step2:DesignandDeliverYour“ABCMessage”Chapter6:DesigningYourABCMessageChapter7:DeliveringYourABCMessage
Step3:StopTalkingandStartListeningChapter8:It’saTalk,notaLectureChapter9:DealingWithDefensesChapter10:ManagingFreak-OutsChapter11:ToolstoStayCoolChapter12:TellMeMore
Step4:RespondPowerfullyChapter13:Respond,Don’tReactChapter14:TheUltimatePowerTool
YourElephantintheOffice“CheatSheet”AcknowledgmentsRecommendedReadingSpecialBonusOfferCopyrightNoticeEndnotes
ANoteFromtheAuthor
Theusebyyouofthisbook(the“Book”)issubjecttocertainunderstandingsandthetermsandconditionssetforthbelow.ByusingtheBook,youacknowledgethatyouhavereadandacceptsuchunderstandingsandsuchtermsandconditions.
DianeA.RossandElephantConversationsLtd.(the"Authors")havepreparedthecontentsoftheBookforinformationalpurposesonly,whichisnotintendedtoconstituteadvertising,inviteanattorney-clientrelationshiporserveasasourceforlegaladvice.SincenolegaladviceisprovidedthroughtheBook,youshouldnotrelyuponanyinformationcontainedhereinforanypurposewithoutseekinglegaladvicefromadulylicensedlawyercompetenttopracticelawinyourjurisdiction.
TheAuthorsmakenowarrantiesorrepresentationsofanykindwhatsoeverconcerninganyinformationmadeavailableonorthroughtheBook.ThecontentoftheBookisprovidedonlyasgeneralinformation.TheAuthorsdisclaimallliabilitywithrespecttoactionstakenornottakenbaseduponsuchinformationorwithrespecttoanyerrorsoromissionsinsuchinformation.Morespecifically,TheAuthorsshallnotbeliableforanydirect,indirect,consequential,special,exemplaryorotherdamagesofanykindwhatsoeverandhowsoevercaused.
ThestoriessharedinthisBookcomefromtheAuthor'sownlifeaswellastheaccountsofothersthathavebeensharedwiththeAuthors.Certainstoriesarefictionalandforillustrativepurposesonly.Inordertoprotectconfidentiality,mostofthestoriesandaccountshavemodifiedandthenamesofthoseinvolvedoraffectedhavebeenchanged.
Introduction
Let’sgetonethingstraightnow:thisbookisn’taboutbecominga“communicationsexpert.”ItisnotaboutnegotiatingworldpeaceorbecominganinspirationalcommunicatorthelikesofGandhiorMandela(althoughthatwouldbeadmirableandifyoudo,feelfreetogivemethecredit!).Itisnotaboutbeingperfect,tactfulorevennice.
Thisbookisaboutlearningtheessentialsofhavingsuccessinthoseworkplaceconversationsyoudread:fromhavingtotellsomeonetheirbodyodorisoverpoweringtotalkingtosomeoneabouttheirdisrespectfulbehavior.Itisaboutlearningsomefundamentaltoolsthatwillallowyoutomanagetoughconversationswhenyouareinthe“hotseat”andthingsarestartingtogosouth.Itisaboutgivingyoutheconfidencetohandlewhateveristhrownyourway.
Wehaveallhadthoseconversationsthatultimatelygiveussucharesoundingandunexpectedslapinthefacethattheysetourheadsspinning...youknow,those“Icannotbelieveyoujustsaidthattome!”or“Whatflippin’planetareyouonanyway?”conversationsthatendedsobadlyyoueitherfledandlickedyourwoundsorfoughtsohardyour“angryvein”pulsated
menacinglythroughyourforehead.Let’snotevenmentionthoseconversationswheretheonlyconsolationwasajumbo-sizedbottleofwine(anykindwilldo!).Nowthereisnoendinsightforthecoldwarthathasresulted.
Wheneveryouhaveoneofthosenightmareconversations,youmayfindyourselfleftsaying,“Ishouldhaveknownbetter,”or“NeverwillIgothereagain.”Well,Iamheretotellyouthatitisactuallyprettydarnimportantto“gothere,”becauseifyoudon’tstepuptotheplateandtackletheseconversations,thingssimplycannotevergetbetter.Unfortunately,youaredreamingifyousecretlyhopeyourstinkyemployeewillgettrappedinaperfumefactory,yourdifficultbosswillmovetoAustraliaoryoursnottycoworkerwillbehitbyabus.Itiskindoflikehavingafinancialplanbasedonwinningthelottery-nicetothinkaboutbutoverallkinda,well,stupid.
Ithasbeenmyexperiencethatthemostdifficultpeopleinourlivesneverleave;wehavetoeitherdealwiththemeventuallyorcontinueoninstonysilenceandabjectmiseryuntilwedevelopulcersandless-than-sunnydispositions.Ifwedon’thavethesetoughconversations,inevitablyproductivitysuffers,moraleplummets,relationshipssourandcomplainingbecomesaregularpastime,furtherentrenchingpeopleintheugly,unhappyproblemstheyjustdon’tknowhowtosolve.
Inmyworkshops,IfrequentlyuselightheartedexamplessuchashowtotellsomeonethattheyhaveB.O.orbadbreath.Moreoftenthannot,somebodypullsmeasideattheendofthedayandasksmeifIhadsecretlybeenaskedtocoverthattopicspecificallybecauseeveryoneknowsthatJoeorCindyorwhoeveritmightbethatdayhas“thatveryproblem.”Everybodyknows,ofcourse,exceptthepersoninquestion.Nowthatwouldbehumiliating!Ithinkmostofuswouldjustwantthe“straightgoods,”evenifitisembarrassing.
“Myfriends,untilyoutry,youdon’tknowwhatyoucan’tdo.”
-HenryJames
IwishIcouldsaythatthereisasecretformulatopreventtheotherpersonfrombeingupset,embarrassedordisappointedwhenweengageinthesetypesofconversations;however,Ihavenotdiscoveredthatmagicformulayet(butifyoudo,callmebecauseweneedtotalkbooksequel!).WhatIhavelearnedisthattherearesomesimpletoolswecanusetogetreadyfortheseconversations.Howweprepare,craftanddeliverourmessagesandhowwemanagereactionscan
makethesechallengingconversationsgoawholelotmoresmoothly.IhavealsolearnedthatthemoreyoupracticeusingthecommunicationtoolsIamgoingtosharewithyou,theeasieritbecomes.Theseconversationsmayevenstarttofeelnatural.
WhathasbeenmeaningfulandevenlifechangingformeandformanyofthosethatIworkwitharethesimplifiedtoolsIuseforhavingsuccessfulconversations.ThisbookismyspinonwhatIhavelearnedandwhathasworkedforme.WhenIstartedmyjourney,Ifoundthematerialandresearchondifficultconversationsdauntingtosaytheleast.Istartedtoaskmyself,“AmIevergoingtobeabletorememberallofthisstuff?CanIreallydothis?IsitpossibleIamthewrongpersonalitytypeorthatIrequiresomekindofintensivepsychotherapyifIwanttocommunicateeffectively?”Ofcourse,you’vealreadyfiguredthatthesewerejustexcuses.Ididthinkaboutgivingup,butIdidn’tbecauseasItestedoutsomeofthetoolsandstrategies,Idiscoveredtheyactuallywork.Thatprogressgavemethemotivationtokeeppluggingawayatit.
Inthisbook,IwillsharewithyouwhatIhavelearned.Ihavesimplifiedthetoolsandhighlightedsomeoftheessentialssothatyoudon’tneedtobearocketscientisttohaveatoughconversationandbesuccessfulatit.Improvingyourcommunicationskillsisdoableand,ifyouhanginthere,youwillseeresults.Idon’twantthistobelikesomefaddietthatsoundsgreatintheorybutwhenyoutrytosticktoityoufeellikeyou’resuddenlystarringinMissionImpossible(sortoflikethedietagirlfriendofmineattemptedinhighschool:Shewassupposedtoeatonlygrapefruitforsixweeks.Notsurprisingly,afterafewdaysI’mprettysureshewasreadytopassout.Shehadtoquit.ButIdigress...).
Theprescriptioninthisbookisnotafaddiet.Thinkofitasalifestylechangeinwhichyoulearntohavetheconfidencetosaywhatyoureallywanttosayandactuallygettheresultsyouwant.Itisaboutmakingsmallmodificationsandchangesandseeingbigdifferencesovertime.
Soundeasy?Itactuallycanbe.
MyStory
So,wherediditallbegin?Howdidalitigationlawyerlikemebecomeinterestedinrealandrespectfulcommunication?
Whileatlawschool,Ireceiveddistinctionsfortheoralpresentationofmy
moots(mocktrials)inbothmysecondandthirdyear.ThepartnersintheestablishedlawfirmwhereIstartedmycareerwereclearlyimpressed.IknewIwasdestinedforasuccessfullitigationcareerwhenmyfirstSupremeCourttrialinvolveddefendingadogthathadallegedlybittenanelderly,sickwoman.Iamhappytoreport(Ithink)thatIwasabletoconvincethejudgeofthedog’sinnocence.
For14yearsIwasontop,impressingcolleagues,bossesandclientsalike.Iwasaserious,accomplishedmulti-tasker.Ipracticedlaw,hadafamilyandstartedandmanagedtwosuccessfulbusinesses.NowonderfriendsandfamilysayIdo“chaos”well.Now,thereweremanythingsIlovedaboutthepracticeoflaw,includingthechallengeofarousingcourtroombattle,butthemoundsofpaperworkandthetediumofpreparation,nottomentiontheadversarialenvironment,weretakingtheirtollonme.Ibegantoquestionmyselfandmychoices,whatIcoulddo,whereIcouldgofromhere.Itquicklybecameobvious:asalawyer,wasInotanexpertinconflictresolution?Surely,Icouldtakemylegalskillsintothefieldofdifficultconversationsandconflictmanagement.Itseemedtomakeperfectsense.
Ibegantodevourarmloadsofinformation.IknewIwasontherightpath!IwasrightaboutwhatIwasdoing,rightaboutwhatIwaslearning,rightabouteverythinginfact...orsoIthought.TheskillsIhadlearnedthatweresocriticaltomysuccessinthecourtroom,i.e.constantlypersuadingothersthatIwasalwaysright,Isoonrealizeddonotworkwellinotheraspectsoflife.Idiscoveredthat“beingright”doesnotworkatthenegotiatingtable,isdestructivetorelationshipsattheofficeandisabsolutelydevastatingtopersonalrelationships.Fortunatelyforme,therewasafaintglimmerofenlightenmentattheendofthislong,dark“Iamalwaysright”tunnel.
Right?Wrong.
Akeymomentformeinthis“Imaynotalwaysberight”journeywasatapartyIwasinvitedtomanyyearsago.ItturnedoutthatIdidnotknowverymanyoftheguests,butIhadtheprivilegeofsittingbesideaveryinterestingandsuccessfulbusinessman.Unbeknownsttome,Iwasabouttolearnaveryvaluable-ifhumbling-lesson.HewasaskingmeaboutthekindofworkIdidand(Iadmitit!)atthattimeIwasprettydarnfullofmyself.Imean,Ihadaccomplishedalotandmostofitina“man’sworld.”IwasregalinghimwithtalesofapresentationIhadjustdoneentitled“IAmRight,YouAreWrong,or
IsThereAnotherPerspective?”Itwasasessionaboutbeingaccountableinworkplaceconversations.Ofcourse,Ididnotthinkitappliedtome,atleastnotatthatstage.Inretrospect,Imusthavebeenunbearable,althoughheneverleton.Hewasfascinated,oratleastIbelievedhewas.Hetoldmeabouthisformerpartner,awomanwhoalsohappenedtobearathersuccessfullawyer.Theyhadbeentogetherforseveralyearsand,accordingtoher,hehadneverbeenright,notonce,inallthetimetheyhaddisagreed.Hepointedouttomethatstatisticallyspeakingitisimpossibleforonepersontoberight100%ofthetime.(Hello,Diane–isalightbulbgoingonyet?)
IrealizedinthatmomentthatthiswastheapproachthatIhadbeentakingwhenIgotintoanykindofdisagreement.IassumedthatIwasright.Mybeliefswereright,myassumptionswereright,myjudgmentswereright.Iwasjustplainright.TheproblemwhenItookthisapproachwasthattheotherpersonwentonthedefensiveandtheconversationinevitablywentsideways.Thisman’sobservationabouttheimprobabilityofalwaysbeingrightcausedmetobegintoquestionmyself-justalittle.WasmyapparentobsessionwithbeingrightacontributingfactortotheconstantconflictIwasexperiencinginmyrelationships?Nowthatwasfoodforthought.Ilearnedthatmaybe,justmaybe,turningeverydisagreementintoacourtroombattlewasnottheanswer.
WhatIsan“I”StatementAnyway?
Anothercritical“AhHA!”momentonmyjourneyhappenedwhenIattendedtheExecutiveCoachingProgramatRoyalRoadsUniversity.Ithoughtitwouldbeaninterestingwayto“unstick”myselfandfigureoutexactlywhatiswasIwantedtodointhefieldofconflictresolution.Duringthefirstfewdaysoftheprogram,Iactuallyhadthearrogancetothinkthattheydidn’treallyhavemuchtoteachme.IthoughtIwasmoreeducated,moresophisticatedandobviouslymoreskilledthanmyclassmates.IwasactuallyquiteshamelesswhenIthinkback(ifyoucouldseemyfacerightnow,youwouldseemeblushing).Iwassufferingfromaseriouslackofhumilityandinsight.LittledidIknow,everythingwasallabouttochange…
Onthethirddayoftheprogram,oneoftheinstructorssuggestedweuse“I”statementsinourconversationsandwhencoachingothers.Iputmyhandupandasked,“Whatisan‘I’statement?”Everyoneintheroomwentsilentandmanyeyesturnedtogivemeincredulouslooks.Someeyeswerecasttothefloor.Ifeltthatdaythatmostofmycolleaguesinthatclasswouldhaveburst
outlaughingiftheywouldhavehadthenerve.Iwasabitperplexedand,inthatmoment,IrealizedIactuallyhadsomeseriousworktodo.Forthoseofyouwhodonotknowwhatan“I”statementis(anddon’tworry,Iwon’tlaugh!),hereisyourfirsthint:itistheoppositeofa“you”statement,whichoftencarrieswithiteitheradirectorindirectlayingofblame.Whenweuse“I”statementsresponsibly,wetakeownershipforwhatwearesaying,ratherthanblamingsomeoneelse.
Thesemaysoundlike“I”statementsbutsadly,theydon’tqualify:
-Ithinkyouareajerk.
-Ithinkyouarewrong.
-Ithinkyouareunreasonable.
Aproper‘I”statementmaysoundmorelikethis:
-Ifelthumiliatedwhen…
-Iamconcernedabout…
-Ibelievethatwhen…
(Don’tworrytoomuchaboutthesefornow;we’lltalkabout“I”statementsinmoredetailalittlelater.)
ThenAlongCameMyBull-Riding,Straight-Talking,UnsuspectingHero
Mymostprofoundeye-openingmomentonmyjourneywasanencounterwithawisemannamedScottiewhomImetduringmycoachingprogram.Hechangedmylifeforeverandisnowbothagreatfriendandcoach.IhavetotellyouthatScottiewasnotmyusualkindofhero.HehasaPh.D.inagriculture,wasabouncerinhisformerlifeandrodebullsforfunasayoungman-definitelynotmytypeatall.Really,howcouldthismanhaveanythingincommonwithaknow-it-alllikeme?Oh,IforgottomentionthathewasalsoanexpertinEQ(EmotionalIntelligence)which,atthattimeinmylife,seemedtobenotmuchmorethanabunchofirritatingpsychobabble.
SowhatmadeScottiesospecial?Well,you’veprobablyfiguredoutbynowthatthosearoundmefoundmysomewhatarrogantattitudeandbehaviorratherintolerable.Thefunnything,though,wasthatwhenScottietalkedtome,hesaidthethingsthatotherslackedthecouragetosay.Hewasabletogiveme
feedbackaboutmy(let’sbetruthfulhere)badbehaviorinawaythatwashonestanddirect.Atthetime,Iwasusingoneofoursocialgatheringsasanopportunitytogetsomelaughsatsomebodyelse’sexpense(ugh,Iknow,notgood!).ScottiepulledmeasideandtoldmehewasuncomfortablewiththecommentsIhadmadeandwonderedifothersmayhavefeltthesame.HeaskedmeifIrealizedhowIwascomingacrosswhenIbehavedthiswayandifthatwasthekindofpersonIwantedtobe.HetoldmethathethoughtIdeservedtoknowhowheperceivedmycommentsandmybehavior.
Ouch!Initially,Iwastakenaback.Imean,whatdidIevencarewhatScottiethought?Well,asamatteroffact,Icaredanawfullot;Iwasembarrassedandupsetwithmyself.Eventually,though,IthoughtaboutwhathehadsaidandIcouldfeelmyselfbecominggrateful.Hiswordswerereallyhardtohearandmorethandifficulttodigest,yetIlefttheconversationfeelingrespectedandcaredfor.Howcouldhehavebeensobrutallyhonestwithoutcomingacrossas“I’mrightandyou’rewrong?”Heleftmewonderinghowonearthhegotmetoquestionmybehaviorandperspectivewithoutshovinghisopiniondownmythroat(asIwasadmittedlypronetodoingmyself).
HowDidHeDoIt?
IsoondiscoveredthatIwasnottheonlyonewhofeltthiswayaboutScottie.Bytheendofthecourse,IbelievethatjustabouteverypersonIknewintheclasshadaskedhimforcoaching.WhatdidScottieteachus?First,hetaughtusthatitwaspossibletohavetoughconversationsinawaythatisdirect(mypreferredstyle),honest(Ihadthisdownmostofthetime)andrespectful(thisIwaslacking).Hedidnotuse“hot”orjudgmentallanguage.Hedidnotmakeassumptions;hesimplysharedwhatheobservedandheownedhisexperience.Hedidnotinanywaypresenthisversionasbeingtheonlywayorthe“right”wayofviewingthesituation.
Sowhatwasmyproblem?WhywasIflounderinginalmosteverydifficultconversation?WasitbecausetheunderlyingthemeinmycommunicationswasthatIabsolutelyhadtoberight?IfIaskmyselfnowwhatbeingrightevergotme,Icanhonestlysaythatgrief,heartacheandunresolvedconflictswereconstantcompanionsfortheentiretimeIemployedthe“blame-and-complain”methodofcommunication.
Alloftheseexperiencesshowedmethattherewasanotherpath.IcouldchoosetobedifferentinhowIcameacrossandhowImanagedmytoughest
conversations.IwantedtodowhatScottiedidsonaturallyandstopwiththe“beingright”thing.Iknewitwasgoingtobeachallenge,butIwassureIwasupforit.Likeyou,Ihadsomeveryimportantrelationshipsatstake.
BacktotheBooks
Ihitthebooksagain(hey,it’salawyerthing)andwentintohyperresearchmode.IattendedcountlesscoursesandreadeverybookIcouldgetmyhandsonrelatingtothetopicof“difficultconversations.”IwenttoHarvardLawSchool’sprogramonnegotiationforlawyerstotakecoursesinmediationandmanaging
difficultconversations(anamazingexperiencethatIhighlyrecommend).[i]
“Ifyoulearnfromdefeat,youhaven’treallylost.”
-ZigZiglar[ii]
YearslaterIamstilllearningand,yes,Istillmessup.Ithasn’tbeeneasy;infactithasbeenarealstrugglebecauseIhavebeenconstantlybattlingmyinstincttoberight,tobeincontrolandtowin.However,whatIdoknowisthatifIcanlearnthisstuff,anyonecan.Ifyouaskedme,“Isitworthit?”Iwouldreplywitharesounding,“YES!”Ithasmadeahugeimpactonsomeofthemostimportantrelationshipsinmylife:withmyhubby,mysister,mymother,mychildren,myclosestfriendsandmyworkcolleagues.Ithasallowedmetosay“no”tothoseIneverbelievedIcouldsay“no”to.Mostimportantly,improvingmyabilitytohavedifficultconversationshassavedmeatonoftimeandmentalenergythatIusedtospendeither(a)agonizingoverwhethertobringsomethingup,(b)replayingandrelivingworst-casescenariosor(c)cleaninguptheaftermathofhorribleconversationsthatfailedbecauseI’dsunktoname-calling,judgingand/orbeingdefensive.
WritingYourOwnSuccessStory
IwanttosharewithyouthetoolsIhavelearnedalongthewaysimplybecauseIampassionateaboutthissubjectandwouldliketofast-trackotherstowardstheirgoalofsuccessfullytacklingdifficultconversationsintheworkplace.Overtheyears,Ihaverealizedthatmanyofusdonotknowhowtohavesuccessfulconversationsbecausewedonothavethenecessarynavigationaltoolsforwhen
thingsinevitablybecomechallenging.Weendupstruggling,boggeddownwithassumptionsandmisconceptionsaboutthosewearetryingtospeakwith.Businesspartnershipsdissolve,conflictswiththebossaboundandworkingrelationshipsdeterioratetothedetrimentofthecompany.Whatisgoingonhere?IfIhaveeverbeentruly“right”aboutanything,itisthatweallneedtolearnsometoolstohavethosetoughconversationssothatwecangetwhatwewantwithouttheextrastrifeandstress.
Helpisontheway!Thereisawaytoresolvethoselonelylatenightconversationswehave(withourselves)justbeforewedropoffintoatroubledsleep.Itismyhopethatbylearningsomeofthetools,skillsandstrategiesthatfollow,youwillhavethecouragetoengageinyourmostdreadedconversationsandstopputtingthemoff-becausenothingcanchangeuntilyoudo.
Rememberthemagicofstorytimeasachild?IamgoingtousestoriestohelpillustratewhatIhavelearnedinthehopesthatitwillengageandentertainyou,aswellasteachyou.Thestoriesaremine,inspiredfromrealstoriesorderivedfromotherswithamplemodificationsandnamechangestoprotectthe“innocent”(youknowwhoyouare!).Iwantyoutohavefunasyouexplorethisbook.
StudyandimplementingtheverytoolsthatIamgoingtosharewithyouhasgivenmeconfidenceandapurposeandpassioninmywork.Ihave,withoutashadowofadoubt,improvedrelationshipsnotjustatwork,butinallaspectsofmylife.Whatmorecouldareformed“alwaysright”lawyeraskfor?Myhopeforyouisthat,asyourconversationskillsincrease,youwillgaininspirationandconfidence,asIhave.Iwantyoutolookforwardtoatimeinwhichyouwillbeabletosaywhatyouneedtosayintheworkplaceandmanagethoseconversationsthataremostimportanttoyou,withthegoalofimprovingyourworkrelationships,loweringyourstressandgettingwhatyouwantoutofyourcareer.Itisn’tfaroffnow!
Let’sgetstarted.
Chapter1:WeReallyDoNeedtoTalk...
Successinoureverydayconversationsisnotusuallythatdifficultunlessitisoneof“thoseconversations”wedreadoronethatstartsoffwellandthenslidessideways-quickly!YouknowwhatI’mtalkingabout:suddenlyyouhaveadifficultconversationonyourhandsandyouarenotquitesurewhyorhowithappened.
Whatonepersonfindshardtotalkaboutorhandle,anothermaynot.Basedonmyexperience,asuresignyouneedtostepuptoatoughtalkintheworkplaceisifyouaresufferingfromanyorallofthefollowingsymptoms:
-Losingsleepatnight
-Stressingaboutitduringtheday
-Complaining(behonest!)toanyonewhowilllistenaboutthepersonand/orproblem
Theseareconversationsthat,whenyouonlythinkaboutthem,youagonizeandmakeyourselfsickbecauseyouknowyouneedtosaysomethingtosomebodybutyoujustdon’tknowhowtosayit.Maybeit’salooming
conversationwithyourboss,yourclient,yourmeddlingcoworker,yoursecretary...Thelistisendless,seriously.
“Iamanoldmanandhaveknownagreatmanytroubles,butmostofthemneverhappened.”
-MarkTwain
Becausethisbookfocusesonworkplaceconversations,let’slookatthekindsofconversationswestrugglewithonthejob(although,asanaside,don’tbesurprisedifyoufindthatthetechniquesinthisbookapplytoconversationsoutsidetheworkplace,aswell).Wearegoingtocoverthefollowingtypesofconversationsindetailthroughoutthebook:
DeliveringSensitiveNews:SmellyShelly
ImagineyouaretaskedwiththejoboftellingShellythatshehasverybadB.O.Now,youlikethiswomanandarewonderingfirstlywhyithastobeyouwhobreaksthebadnewsandsecondlyhowshecouldbesocompletelyunawareoftheawful“vaportrail”sheleavesbehindherwherevershegoes.Noonehasdoneanythingyet,sonowtheairissothickwithvariousairfreshenersthattheeveningjanitorialstaffiswearingmasksandthenewI.T.guy’sallergiesarecompletelyoutofcontrol.
Youaretheofficemanagerandyoureallyhavenochoice:itisyourjobtotellher.Youhaveputtheconversationofffordaysprayingthatsomehowtheproblemwillresolveitself.Youandyourbosshaveevenhadin-depthconversationsaboutitbehindcloseddoors.HowcoulditbethatshehassuchterribleB.O.?Sheseemstobeveryclean;coulditpossiblybehersoap(you’doverheardsomeonesayingsheusesoneofthose“natural,organicalternatives”)?Doessheeattoomuchspicyfood?Whatifyoujustleftasmall,anonymousgiftofbreathfresheneranddeodorantonherdesk?
Soundfamiliar?Howmanyofthesekindsofdiscussionshaveweallhad?IcertainlyhavehadmorethanIcaretoremember.Thepointisthatnoneofthesediscussionsareactuallyhelpful;theywasteourprecioustimeandenergywithoutsolvinganything.AllofyourguessesaboutwhyShellysmellshavegottenyounowhereandnowyoureallydohavetodosomethingbecauseyourboss’minty-freshbreathisbreathingdownyourneck.HedoesnotwanttoworkwithShellyanylongerandclientsarecurlinguptheirnoseswhensheentersthe
room.
WhatcouldyoupossiblysaytoShelly?
“Shelly,Ineedtotalktoyouaboutsomethingthatisawkward.Lately,Ihavenoticedyouhavehadstrongbodyodor.IamnotsureifyouareawareofitbutIknowifitweremeIwouldwantsomebodytotellme.”Now,STOPTALKING.(Resisttheurgetobabble;itwillonlymakethingsmoreuncomfortable.)
DeliveringBadorSadNews:FabGuy
EveryonelovesFabGuy.Heissofunnyandniceandisalwaysreadytohelpout.Infact,hewasalwaystherewheneveryouneededhim,whichiswhyyouhadhappilypromotedhimfromgraphicdesignertomanagerofthedivision.Unfortunately,FabGuysomehowjustisn’tgettingthejobdone,despitethefactthathisemployeesadorehimandheiswillingandcooperative.Hehasbeengivinghisstafflongextensionsandflexibledeadlines(hmm,nowondertheylikehimsomuch),whichareaffectingclientsatisfactionaswellasthebottomline.Youaredealingwiththebruntofthefalloutwithclientsandtherestoftheexecutiveteam,anditisstartingtowearyoudown.FabGuy-blesshisheart-acknowledgeshisroleandhisneedtobe“tougher”withhisstaff.YouhaveworkedtirelesslywithFabGuytocoachhimabouthismanagementstyle,butnotmuchhaschanged.
FabGuyisoptimisticthingswillimproveshortlyandtellsyouthathejustneedsabitmoretime(butdidn’thesaythatthreemonthsago?).Youarenotsoconvincedthattimeiswhatisneeded.WhatiskeepingyouupatnightisyourbeliefthatFabGuyisgoingtobedevastatedbythenews;Imean,he’sjustsonice.Butifyouthinkheisgoingtobeupsetnow,fastforwardoneyearandimaginehowthisunfortunateconversationwillgodownthenbecausethat,myfriend,iswhereyouareheaded.ItistimetoforgetthepastwhenyoutoldyourselfthatyoucouldturnFabGuyintosomethingheisnot(ugh,youshouldhavelistenedtoyourboss).Youneedtotellhimnow-nottomorrowornextweek-thatheisnottherightfitforthemanagementposition;puttingitoffisnotgoingtomakeitanyeasier.Infact,itwillonlyservetogiveyouulcerslongerandmakehimmoreconvincedhehaswhatittakes,whichwillinevitablymaketheconversationharder.Thereisnowaytotiethisnewsupwithaprettybow;it’stimetofacethemusicandgetthisconversationoverwith.
WhatcouldyoupossiblysaytoFabGuy?
“FabGuy,weneedtotalk.Idon’tthinkyouaretherightfitfortheroleofmanager.ThewayIseeityouhavehadtroublemakingtoughdecisionsandholdingstafftodeadlines.Clientprojectshavebeendelayedandthosedelayshavehadanimpactonourreputation,nottomentionthefalloutwiththeexecutiveteam.Youareafabulousdesignerandincrediblywelllikedby
everyoneinthisorganization,whichhasmadethisaneventougherdecision:Icannolongerhaveyouinthemanagementrole.However,everyonebenefitsfromyourcreativityandifyouareinterestedingoingbacktothepositionofgraphicdesigner,itisyours.Iknowthisisadifficultdecision,sopleasetakesometimetothinkaboutit.”Now,STOPTALKING.(Letyourmessagesinkin.)
DealingWithRudeorDisrespectfulBehavior:TheBigCheese
Youaretheofficemanagerinasmalloperation.Yourboss,“TheBigCheese,”hasgaineda(notunfounded)reputationforbeingprettydarndifficulttoworkfor.Heisarrogant,condescendingandlovestoblameotherswhenthingsgowrong-andthingsgowrongallright!Youaretiredofhisdisrespectfulbehaviortowardsyouandothers.Youarealsofedupwithbeingthehumanbuffer/scapegoat/punchingbagforhimandtherestofthestaff;allthegripingandcomplainingfrombothsidesisgivingyoumigraines.
TheBigCheese’sfavoriteandmostupsettingtrickistoembarrassyouinfrontofyourstaff.Hedoesthisbydisagreeingwithyoupublicly,cuttingyouoffmid-sentenceorgivingyouhisinfamousexaggeratedandexasperatedglare.Ithasgoneonforalongtime,waytoolong,butyouwerefinallygalvanizedintoactionafterhismostrecentroundofhumiliatingantics.
Hereishowitwentdown:Thediscussionwasaboutdealingwithdemandingclients.Youstartedtosharesomeofyourinsightsandexperienceindealingwiththistypeofcustomer,butTheBigCheesefixedhissteelyglareonyouandsaid,“Thisisn’taboutyou,Denise.Thisisaboutdoingtherightthingfortheclient.Doesanyoneelsehaveanythoughtsorcomments?”Youwereeffectivelysilenced;tensiondescendedovertheroom.TheBigCheese,completelyoblivioustotheatmospherehehadjustcreated,said,“IthinkthatRobertshouldtakeMondaysanddevoteafullhourtocustomerfollow-up.”Youwere(andare!)understandablyupset;theBigCheesedidn’thaveanaccuratepictureoftheproblemandrefusedtolistentoyou-nottomentionthefactthat
hehasnoideahowindispensableRobertisonMondays!
Youhavefinallydecidedthatyouneedtosaysomething,buthowcouldyoupossiblytalktoTheBigCheese?
“BigCheese,Ineedtotalktoyouabouthowweinteractwitheachother.Yesterdayatourteammeeting,Iamnotsureifyouareaware,butwhenIwassharingmyapproachtodealingwithdemandingclientsyousaid,“Denise,thisisn’taboutyou.Thisisaboutdoingtherightthingforthecustomer.”Youthenwentontoassigncustomerfollow-uptoRobert.Iwashumiliatedbecausealloftheemployeeswerepresent.Ibelievethatcommentunderminedmyeffectiveness
astheirmanager.IamalsowonderingifyouthinkIdonothaveanythingvaluabletocontribute.Whatisyourtakeonthis?”STOPTALKING.(Lethim
respond.)
DealingWithBadBehaviororPoorPerformance:MarvelousMelissa
Yourinsanelycompetent,reliableandalwaysdedicatedofficeassistanthasdevelopedastrangenewhabit:shehasbeenarrivinglatetoyourteammeetingswithouthavingherfinancialreportscompleted.Whenshefinallydoesgetthemdonetheworkis,ofcourse,stellar-youdon’tcallher“MarvelousMelissa”fornothing!Theproblemisthatdecision-makingisbeingdelayed,meetingtimeiswastedandyouhavenoticedthatothersarestartingtomakesnidecommentsaboutMelissa’s“specialtreatment”andreferringtoherasyour“petemployee.”
AllofMelissa’sexcusesandyourlackofactionaremakingyoulooklikeanineffectiveleader.YouhavetriedtogiveafewhintstoMelissa,tonoavail.Thelasttimeyougingerlyattemptedtobroachthesubject,sheexplainedthatherdoghadsadlyeatenthereport,whichiswhyitwasn’tdoneontime.Youdidn’tknowhowtoanswer;didn’tyourkidstrythesamecraponyoujustlastweek?Yousilentlywonder,IsMelissatakingadvantageofourcloserelationship?DoesshereallythinkIamthatgullible?Youreallycan’taffordtoloseMelissaandsincerelydon’twanttooffendtherestofyourteam.Quietyourinsidevoiceandtalktoher...butwhatcouldyoupossiblysay?
“Melissa,Iamconcerned.Forthethirdtimethismonthyouhavecometoourteammeetinglateandwithouthavingyourfinancialreportscompleted.Theresultiswastedtimeandtheinabilitytomoveforwardonupcomingprojects.I
amalsoconcernedaboutthemessageitsendstotherestoftheteam.Yourworkisalwaysexcellentandthisrecentbehaviorseemsoutofcharacter.Iamwonderingwhatisgoingon.”STOPTALKING.(Findoutherstory.)
Saying“No:”WeekendWanda
Yourboss,WeekendWanda,iscompletelydisorganized,alwaysschedulinglast-minutecrisismeetingsandassigninghugeprojectslateonFridayafternoons(dueMondayat8:00am!).Youhaveobligedsofarbecauseyouareambitiousandwanttogetahead,particularlygiventhecrummyjobmarket.However,thisweekendyour84-year-oldgrannyisvisitingfromKansasandyouhavealreadytoldWeekendWandathatyouwillbeunavailableforthose2days.Sincethen,youhavefeltrelievedthatyouhadthecouragetodealwiththisissueupfrontbeforeitbecameaproblem...orsoyouthought.
Fast–forwardtoFridayat4:30pm(youareduetoleaveat5:00pmsharptomeetGranny’sbus).WandacomesintoyourofficeinapanicaboutaboardpresentationshehastodeliveronMonday.Sheisdesperateandyouareapparentlytheonlyonewhocanhelpout.Sheneedsyoubigtime.Youremindherthatyouarenotavailableand,despiteyourearlierconversation,sheappearsabsolutelyshockedanddisappointed.Thenshestartsinwiththeflatteryandhighpraiseforyourworkethic,promisingthatthejobwillonlytakeafewhoursandyoucansqueezeitinwhileGrannyisnapping.Youknowbetter;afterall,last-minutecriseslikethisoneareadimeadozenwithWeekendWandaandalwaystakehours(ifnotdays)longerthanexpected.
Insideyouarewavering,butyoumanagetosay,“I’msorry.Ihavehadtheseplansformonths.”Well,nowWeekendWanda’seyesnarrowandsheresortstosubtle-but-scarythreats,leavingyouwiththedistinctimpressionthatyoucankissyourlong-awaitedpromotiongood-bye.Frustratedandemotional,youimagineyourdearoldgrannyspendingtheweekendalonewatchingsoapsandtryingtowrangleyourbadly-behavedgoldenretriever.Youarecaughtbetweenarockandahardplace,here.Whocouldhelpbutagonizeoverhowtohandlesuchanawful,unfairsituation?
Takeadeepbreathandstandyourgroundbecauseifyoudon’t,youwillsetadangerousprecedentforthefuture.Youcouldrespondbysaying:
“Wanda,itsoundslikethispresentationisveryimportanttoyouandyoureally
wantmetohelpout.Usually,Iamkeentostepuptotheplate,butinthiscaseIamunabletodothat.MygrannyisvisitingfromKansasanditisimportanttomethatIspendthistimewithher.”STOPTALKING.(Silenceisdefinitelyyour
powertoolhere!)
WhatDoTheseConversationsHaveinCommon?
Someconversationsareobviouslyhardertodealwiththanothers,especiallywhenyou’refacedwithcommunicationthatfallsundermorethanone“type.”However,thecommonalitybetweenalloftheconversationsaboveisthatthereissomethingverybigandimportantatstake.ThequestionIaskmyselfwhenthinkingaboutwhetherIneedtoengageinatoughconversationis:“Whatisatstake,here?”Istheissueathandsomethingthatisimportantenoughtowarrantmyspeakingup?
Herearesomeexamplesofwhattopicsmightrequireahigh-stakesconversationinyourworkplace:
Yourleadership:Ifyouareasupervisorormanagerwhodoesnotdealwithperformanceorbehavioralissueswithmembersofyourteam,itspeaksvolumesaboutyourleadershipskillsandyourabilitytohandlesensitiveand/ordifficultsituations.Peoplearelookingtoyoutomakethosedifficultdecisionsandtakeaction;youoweittothemtoact.
Productivity:Moreoftenthannot,ifwedon’thavethesetoughconversations,productivitysuffers-especiallywhenwearedealingwithissuesofperformanceorcompetence.Workdoesn’tgetdone(ordoesn’tgetdoneproperlyandneedstoberedone).Inaddition,employeesspendaninordinateamountoftimecomplaining,notonlyaboutthepersonwhoiscausingtheproblem,butalsoaboutthesupervisorwhoisnothandlingthesituation(a.k.a.youorme!).
“Youarewhatyoudowhenitcounts.”
-JohnWilliamSteakley,Jr.[iii]
YourSelf-RespectorSelf-Esteem:Ifwedonotspeakup,weendupfeelingdisrespectedormarginalized.Itissimplyamatterofprinciple.Weneedtostandupforourselveswhenwefeelthatpeoplehavetreatedusinawaythatis
disrespectfulorunkind.Ifyoudon’tletpeopleknowhowtheirbehaviorisnegativelyaffectingyou,howcanthingspossiblychange?Rememberthatawarenessiscritical;noneofuscanchangewhatwedon’tknow.
TheRelationship:Istherelationshipatstake?Thinkaboutit.Ifyoudonotdealwithanissuethathascomeupbetweenyouandsomebodyelse,hereiswhatgenerallyhappens:resentmentstartstobuild,assumptionsgetmadeand,prettysoon,webeginharboringsomeseriouslynegativefeelingstowardthepersoninquestion(andvice-versa).Imaginehowtherelationshipwillsufferifyounevertalktoyourcolleagueaboutherconstanttextingwhenyougoouttolunchtogether.Youstarttomakejudgments:Sheisrude.Herbehaviorisinappropriate.Sheisimmatureandinconsiderateofyouandyourtime.Shemustnotreallyvalueyourrelationshipatall.Maybeyou’rerightormaybeyou’remissingsomething,buteitherwaydoesthatsoundlikethemakingsofahealthyrelationshiptoyou?Ididn’tthinkso.
Whenruminatingoverwhethertobotherhavingadifficultconversation,remembertoaskyourselfwhatisatstake.Isthequalityofyourleadershipatstake?Isbusinessproductivityatstake?Isyourself-respectorself-esteemontheline?Istherearelationshipthatwillsuffer?Iftheansweris“yes”tooneormoreofthosequestions,youprobablyneedtostepupandhavethatconversation.Onceit’sover,chancesaregoodthatyouwillsleepbetterandworryless,too!
TopToolstoRecall:DeterminingWhenYouNeedtoTalk
-Stepuptoatoughconversationwhenthereissomethingimportantatstake.-Knowingthatthereissomethingimportantatstakecangiveyouthecouragetohavetheconversation.
Great!Nowyouaresurethereissomethingimportantatstakethatrequiresaseriousconversation(butmaybeyoususpectedasmuchalready).Youwantapositiveoutcome-buthow?
Wewillgettothat,Ipromise...butfirst,let’slookatthesingleworstthingthatalmostallofusdothatgetsinthewayofoursuccess.Untilweunderstandtherolethisnefariouslittlehabitplaysinmessingupourworkrelationships,careerandemotionalwell-being,wemaynottrulyhavetheinspirationandcourageweneedtostepupandtalk.
Curious?(Ha,myevilplanisworking!)Ontochaptertwo!
Chapter2:AvoidatYourPeril
“Courageisthegreatestofallvirtuesbecauseifyouhaven’tcourage,youmaynothaveanopportunitytouseanyoftheothers.”
-SamuelJohnson
DoesSamuelJohnson’squotestrikeachordwithyou?You’veputoffthatdreadedtalk(youknowtheone!)forsolongnowthatyouarefeelingirritableandmaybeevenalittlenauseous.Youdreadthethoughtofrunningintotheoffendingpersonatthephotocopieroryourlocallunchtimesushihangout.Hey,ifyoucanjustavoidthepersonforafewmoreyears,thenmaybetheissuewillgoawayonitsown!
Avoidanceisn’ttheanswer,asmuchasyoumighthopeitwillbe.Wewouldliketothinkthatifweburiedourheadsinthesand,ourwoeswouldevaporate.Well,myfriends,itdidn’tworkoutfortheostrichanditdefinitelydidn’tworkoutforthispoorguy:
BrazilianLosesMorethanHearing
A39-year-oldBrazilianmanwenttoamedicalcliniccomplainingof
muffledhearing.Whileinthewaitingroomhebelievedheheardhisnamecalled,sooffhewentintotheexaminationroomwiththe
doctor.Thedoctorandthestaffpreparedandtreatedthepatient,butinanareanowherenearhisear;themanlefttheclinicwithavasectomyandnoresolutionofhismuffledhearing!Howdidithappen?Apparently,hedidnotaskanyquestionsduringtheprocedure.Helatertoldstaffhethoughtthatperhapshisear
inflammationhadreachedasfarashistesticles![iv]
Ifonlythispoorgentlemanhadreadchapteroneofthisbook,hewouldhaveknownthiswasoneconversationwithveryhighstakes!Allkiddingaside,thisisamind-bogglingexampleofhowkeepingquietatcriticaltimesdoesnotdoanyoneanygood.Evenasimpleobservationorcommentonhispart(“Areyousurethiswillhelpmyhearing?”or“Oh,Ididn’tknowyoucouldfithearingaidsdownthere!”)wouldhavehaltedtheprocedureandsavedhimhisfertility.Obviously,thismandidnotfeelcomfortablequestioningtheauthorityofaphysician-andtheconsequencesofavoidanceherewereunfortunatetosaytheleast.
FYI:Ifyouarestillfantasizingthatyourarrogantbosswillrelocatetofar-flunglandsorthatyoursnottycoworkerwillbedonein,youarenotonlydeludingyourselfbutyouarepracticingclosetavoidance-bigtime.Mostofuscouldwriteabookontheconversationswe’veavoidedandthesubsequentdisastrousresults.PerhapsourstoriesofavoidancearenotasdramaticasthestoryoftheBrazilianmanabove,butthatdoesn’tmeanthatavoidinganimportantworkplaceconversationcan’tsendthewrongmessageorhaveundesirableconsequences.
Here’sanexampleofwhatI’mtalkingabout:Icallit“GorgeousGalandDantheMan.”
Youareayoungandambitiousfemalebusinessgrad.Eachyear,HighTechInc.hiresabout20internsandyoumadethecut(congratulations!).Youareecstaticandfeelastrongneedtoproveyourselfbothintermsofyourworkandwhetheryouareagoodfitfortheteambecauseonlyfivepeoplearegoingtobeofferedjobsattheendoftheinternship.
Oneday,yougetyourbigbreak:youhaveachancetoworkwithoneofthehotshotprojectleads:DantheMan.Itisgoingtomeanweekendsandlatenights,butitisanexcitingprojectandanamazingopportunity.Youstart
workingwithDantheManandthingsseemtobegoingwell.Heischarmingandsmartandverycomplimentaryofyourwork.Healsooftenremarksonhowniceyoulookand,althoughyoufeelflattered,youdon’tthinktoomuchofit.Then,oneday,hetellsyouhethinksyouhavegreatlegs.Youcan’thelpbutfeelhehascrossedthelineandareabituncomfortableaboutthecomment.Youdon’tquiteknowhowtorespond,however,soyousaynothing.
AfewdayslateryouareoutataclientdinnerwithDantheManandafewothers.Danisrightnexttoyouandallofasudden-OMG!-youfeelhislegsneakilytouchupagainstyours.Youthinktoyourselfthatitmusthavebeenaccidental,butthenithappensagain.Youareextremelyuncomfortableandquicklymoveyourlegaway,buthislegfollowsyourslikethatickyenamoredskunkfromLooneyTunes;youfeelcompletelytrapped.Afterall,youareataclientdinner;shortofgrindingyourJimmyChoostilettointohistootsies(whichwouldcauseanastyscene)orfleetherestaurant(whichwouldcomeoffasbeyondunprofessional),whatcouldyoudo?Feelinghelpless,youdon’tdoorsayanything-again.
“Mydearfriend,clearyourmindofcan’t.”
-SamuelJohnson
Sadly,thisisanall-too-commonstory.You’vejustdonewhatanyself-respectinglow-on-the-hierarchyambitiouswomenwoulddo(IknowIcertainlyhave):absolutelynothing.Youtrytoconvinceyourselfthatitisnotabigdeal,butdeepdownyouknowthatboundarieshavebeencrossed-andthereisalotatstakehere.Yes,itistruethatifyoutalktoDantheManyoumayriskyour“idealjob.”Ontheotherhand,yourself-esteemandself-respectareontheline.Ifyouavoidsaying“no”whenyouneedto,nomatterhowyouthinktheconversationwillgo,itsendsthemessagethatyouareokaywiththeotherperson’sbehaviorandthereisaveryrealpossibilitythingswillgetmuchworse.
SowhatcouldyoupossiblysaytoDan?Herearesomeoptions:
“Ineedtotalktoyouaboutwhathappenedattheclientdinnertheothernight.Iamnotsurewhatyourintentionswerebutwhenyoutouchedmylegunderthe
tableIwasuncomfortable.”STOPTALKING.(Lessismore.)
Oryoucouldsay:
“Dan,Iwantedtocleartheairaboutsomethingthathasbeenbotheringme.WhenyoumadethecommentaboutmylegstheotherdayandthentouchedmylegattheclientdinnerlastnightIfeltuncomfortable.Itisreallyimportanttomethatwekeepourrelationshipprofessional.”STOPTALKING.(Hearhimout,if
hehasanythingtosay.)
Or,ifyouarefeelingveryconfidentinthemomentyoumightturntoDaninaquietvoiceandsay:
“Dan,Iamalittleuncomfortablewithyoutouchingmyleg.”STOPTALKING.(Silenceshowsconfidence.)
Complaining:theSurestSignYouAreAvoiding
Complainingisacluethatyouareavoidingatalkyoureallyneedtohave.Youcancomplaintoyourbestfriendorhoundtotalstrangersinthecoffeeshopand,sure,itfeelsgoodtovent,buttakemyadviceanddon’tturnitintoasport.Themainproblemwithcomplainingisthatwebecomeentrenchedintheveryproblemwewanttoresolve.Weusuallycomplaintothosewhoaresympathetictoourpointofvieworthosewhowillunderstandoursorryplight.Theyagreewithuswholeheartedlyandthatreinforcesourideathatweare“right.”Themoreoutsidereinforcementweget,theeasieritistoconvinceourselvesthattheotherpersonisbeingrudeordisrespectful.Westarttomakeallsortsofassumptionsandjudgments,whichonlyservestomakeusmoreupsetandmiserable.Theproblemwiththissituationisthatnothingisresolvedandweendupwithmorestress,moreulcers,moretossingandturning.
Toillustrate,let’slookataworkscenariomostofuscanrelateto:theubiquitous“ChattyCathy.”
YouworkinanopenspaceenvironmentandChattyCathyoftencomesintoyourworkspace,chattinginaveryloudvoicewithherpeers.It’sbeengoingonforagesandyouhateit;youcan’tconcentrateonyourworkandfindittoughtotalkonthephonewithChattyCathy’sconstantbabbleinthebackground.Youhavetriedtogivesubtlehintsthatherchit-chatisbotheringyou.Youhavepointedsharplytothephonereceiverwhenyouareonit,hopingshewillgetthemessageandlowerhervoice.Youhaveeventriedcoveringyourearsmelodramaticallysothatshewouldsimplyhavetonotice...andyetsomehow,
shehasn’t.Obviously,thiswomanisasthickasabrick;shecertainlydoesn’tseemtobegettingthehint(s).
Youdon’twanttoseempettyordifficultsoyoudon’tactuallysayanything,buteverypassingdaybringsyouonestepclosertoblowingyourtopandcausingalegendaryofficesceneinwhichyouenactoneofthemanywaysyouhaveplottedChattyCathy’sdemise.Instead,youandyourothercoworkerscomplainbitterlybehindChattyCathy’sbackabouthowrudeandinconsideratesheis.Youarefeelingmoreandmoreupsetandresentfulaboutthewholethingand,asaresult,yourownproductivityissuffering.YourrelationshipwithChattyCathyisultimatelyatstakehere(nottomentionyoursanity);andyes,maybeyoudon’twanttobeherBFFandbraideachother’shairatsleepovers,butyoudostillhavetointeractwithhereverydayattheoffice,soforthesakeofyourpeaceofmindatwork,it’sbetterifyoutwocanfigureoutawaytocoexist.
Theproblem,ofcourse,isthatChattyCathyprobablyhasnoideathatherchatterisbotheringpeoplebecausenobodyhasactuallyhadthecouragetospeakupaboutittoherdirectly.Doesn’tshedeservetoknow?Shedefinitelydoesand,moreimportantly,shecan’tchangewhatshedoesn’tknow.Itishighlyunlikelyyouaregoingtohaveanyresolutionofthisoranyotherproblemunlessyoustepuptotheplateforyourtoughtalk.
Complainingputsyoudeeperintotheproblem,withoutanyhopeofresolution.Infact,thingswillprobablygetworse.Ofcourse,Idon’texpectyoutoquitcomplainingcoldturkey-evenIadmitit’skindoffun.However,IdohaveacompromisethatIworkedoutwithmyclosefriendJennifer;wecallitthe“two-minutewhinerule”andhere’showitworks:IaskifIcanhavetwominutestowhineandcomplainbitterlyaboutsomething.Ifsheagrees(whichshealwaysdoes-sheisagoodfriendafterall!),thenIrantandravefortwominutes.Attheendofthetwominutes,sheasksmeaquestionthathelpsmetobeproactive,stopavoidingandhopefullystepupandhaveatoughconversationwiththepersoninquestion.
HelpfulHint:TheTwo-MinuteWhineRule
Whineandcomplainfortwominutesandthenchooseoneofthetwoquestionsbelowtoanswer:
1.So,whatareyougoingtodoaboutit?or
2.Whatareyournextsteps?
Ihaveworkedinmanyorganizationsofvaryingsizesindifferentcitiesandcountries,andaconsistentthemeIhaveexperiencedinallofthemwastheprevalenceofcomplaining.Itresultsinwastedtime,negativefeelingsandlossofcreativity,nottomentionitentrenchespeopleintheveryproblemsthattheywouldactuallyprefertosolve.Complaining,althoughitmayfeelgoodtemporarily,isdeadlybothforourworkrelationshipsandforourabilitytogetthingsdone.Ifweallcouldjustembracethetwo-minutewhinerule,wewouldbesomuchmoreproductiveandwouldultimatelyfeelmorecontentatwork.Ifyoufindyourselfregularlycomplainingtoanyonewhowilllisten,stopandaskyourselfifyouarehavingyourconversationswiththerightpeople.Isuspecttheanswerisprobablyno!
TheBigDealAboutAvoiding
Somepeoplewouldliketothinkthatnottalkingabouttheirproblemsisasignamaturity...butifyoustoicallymanagenottotalktothepersonyouhaveanissuewith,doesthatreallymeanyouarethe“biggerperson?”Idon’tbelieveso.Theproblemwhenweavoidadifficultconversationisthatthereisalackofresolutionandworse,wesendamessagetotheotherpersonthatweare“a-okay”withwhateverisgoingon.Wethenthinkwecancleverlycontainourirritation,frustrationandresentment,butthesenegativeemotionsinevitablyleakoutinourtone,bodylanguageandofteninlittlesnidecommentswemake.Wesaynot-so-funny,thinly-veiledthingslike:“Whattimedoyouanticipatethearrivalofthereportfinishingfairy?”or“Theremustbeashort-sightedofficeratinthelunchroom–myfavoritecheesehasdisappearedagain!”Commentslikethosedon’tgetthemessageacross,eventhoughyoufeellikeyou’relayingitonprettythick.Theotherpersonmaythinkyouarejustbeingneuroticorattemptingalamejoke.
“Ifyouhavetimetowhineandcomplainaboutsomething,thenyouhavethetimetodosomethingaboutit.”
-AnthonyJ.D’Angelo,authorofRichGrad,PoorGrad[v]
Whenweavoidatoughconversation,wecreatean“elephantintheoffice”thatnoonewantstoaddress.Inthelongrun,youwillinevitablydamagethe
relationshipsyouweretryingtopreservebynottalking.Irritationandresentmentwillbuildandyouwilleitherexplodeorimplode,buteitherwayitisnotgoingtobepretty.Itremindsmeofthepressurecookerwehadgrowingup.Onedaythecookerwasleftonfartoolongandthepressurewassogreatthatitexploded,sendingspaghettisauceeverywhere-theceilings,thewalls,thekids...everywhere.Whatamess!
Hereisastoryaboutmysister,Cathy(nottobeconfusedwithChattyCathy!),whoputherselfintheproverbial“spaghettisauceexplosion”situationbyputtingoffaconversationforfartoolong.
TheShowdown:MySistervs.Know-It-AllKen
MysisterandIwereattendinganintensemulti-daycommunicationsworkshop.Oneparticipant-let’scallhim“Know-It-AllKen”-hadbeenprovidinghispointofviewalongwithhisfrequentopinionsthroughouttheentireworkshop.Frankly,hewasquiteannoying.Heinterruptedtheworkshopleaderandfellowparticipantssooftenthateveryonevisiblycringedwhenheopenedhismouthtospeak.
Towardstheendoftheworkshop,weweredoingagroupwrap-upandreviewexercisewithalloftheparticipantsand,littledidKenknow,hewasabouttomeethisfate.Blissfullyignorant,herambledonandon,describinghisviews,hissolutionsandhowhewoulddothingsdifferently.Kenwascompletelyoblivioustothefactthatothersmayhavehadsomethingtooffer;heblatheredonandinterruptedpeopleconstantly,drivingeveryonecrazyandmysistertoherboilingpoint.
NowCathyhadbeencomplainingbitterlytomeandothersthroughouttheworkshopaboutthisbehavior(otherswerecomplainingtoo),butsaidnothingtoKnow-It-AllKenortotheworkshopleaderaboutherfrustration.Icouldseehergettingmoreandmoreirateand,knowingherasIdo,Ifeareditwasabouttogetugly-reallyugly.
Afterdaysofavoidance,Cathymadeuphermindtospeakonbehalfofeveryone(withouttheirpermission-oops!)andtellKenabouttheimpactofhisloudmouthbehavioronthegroup.Usinglotsof“hot,”judgmentallanguage,shesaid,“Ken,youarebeingincrediblyrude.Youinterrupttheleaderconstantlywhenweallwouldliketohearwhathehastosay.Youkeepjumpinginwithyourviewsanddon’tallowanyoneelsetospeak.Iwouldreallyappreciateitif
youwouldstopinterruptingallthetime.”Waytogo,Cathy,youreallytoldhimlikeitis.Yikes!
Well,youcouldhaveheardapindropintheroom.Wewereallsquirminginourseats,wantingtobeanywherebutatthatcommunicationsworkshop(gottalovetheirony).Itdoesn’ttakeapsychictopredictthatKen’sbackwouldbewaaaayup;heimmediatelywentontheoffensive.Iwillspareyoutheverbalplay-by-play,butsufficeittosaythatitwasn’tpretty.Theworkshopendedawkwardlytosaytheleast,withabigfatelephantintheroom.Nothingwasresolvedandtensionsranhigh.Nobodycouldgetoutoftherefastenough.
HowCouldSheHaveDealtWithIt?
Cathyhadhadsomethingworthwhiletosayandprobablyonlysaidwhateveryoneelsemusthavebeenthinking.However,hermessagedidnotgetthroughtoKnow-It-AllKenbecauseshewentontheattackbycallinghim“rude”andusingaccusatorylanguage.Shehandleditpoorlyand,asaresult,underminedhermessageandhercredibility,whichmadeherlookfoolishandcausednothingbuthostilityfromKnow-It-AllKen.
Manyyearslater,Cathyunderstandsthepartsheplayedandtheoverarchinglesson:avoidatyourperil.Atsomepoint,thepressurewillbetoogreatandyouwilleventuallyexplode,justlikethatpressurecookerfullofhot,messyspaghettisauce,whichwillsplatteralloveryouandaroomfullofinnocentbystanders.ThissituationwouldhavebeenbetterhandledasaprivateconversationwithKnow-It-AllKen,preferablymuchearlierintheworkshop,orshecouldhaveaskedtheworkshopleadertodealwiththeproblembeforeherbloodboiledover.
Toavoidasituationlikethisinyourownlife,besuretocheckyourselfforthefollowingsymptomsofavoidance:
-Constantcomplainingtoanyonewhowilllisten
-Anaïvebeliefordesperatehopethatyourproblemswillresolvethemselvesspontaneously
-Recreatingworst-casescenariosandrunningthemthroughyourheadonrepeat
-A“thingswillneverchange”mentality
-Aslow,menacingsimmerinsideofyou(thatcan’tbeblamedonthespicyfoodyouatlastnight!)
WhySoManyofUsLooooovetoAvoid
Thisisabiggie!Weavoidsomeconversationsbecausetheyareuncomfortableandweareafraidofhowtheotherpersonmightreact.Weareafraidofcreatingnegativityinourworkrelationshipsorworkenvironmentasaresultofourspeakingup.Weworryaboutopeningacanofwormsandcausingirreversibledamage.Wedon’twanttocomeacrossasdifficult,unsupportive,pettyorpresumptuous-andweabsolutely,positivelydreadthethoughtofapainfullylong,drawn-outconversation.
“F.E.A.R.:FalseEventsAppearingReal”
-ZigZiglar
“Afraid.”“Worry.”“Dread.”Soundfearsometoyou?That’sbecausefearisattherootofnearlyeveryworkplaceconversationwechoosetoavoid.Tocircumventtheissueoffear,IremindmyselfthatmyfearsareneverasrealorasscaryasIbuildthemuptobeinmyhead.Moreoftenthannot,IampleasantlysurprisedbyhowmucheasierthesechallengingconversationsarethanIhadanticipated.Ialsofrequentlyhaveclientstellmewithasighofrelief,“ThatwassomucheasierthanIthoughtitwouldbe.IwishI’dhadthatconversationalongtimeago!”
Don’tfretifthisdoesn’tfeel100%organicatfirst.Itmightnothappenrightaway,butthemoreyoupractice,themoreconfidentyouwillbecome.Youmayevenfindthathavingtheseconversationsbecomesnatural,asiffacingyourtoughesttalkshead-onweresecondnaturetoyou(Wouldn’tthatbesonice?).Avoidtellingyourselfthatyoucan’tdoit;that’sjustyourfeartalking.Ifyoucontinuetoworkthroughthisbookandpracticewhatyoulearn,youwillgetthere.
TopToolstoRecall:AvoidatYourPeril
-Silencewhenyouneedtospeakupcanhaveserious,unintendedconsequences.
-Avoidingtheconversationtellstheotherpersonthatyouarea-okaywiththeirbehavior.-Complainingisastrongcluethatyouareavoidingaconversationyouneedtohave.-Ifyouavoidforlongenough,thestresswillbuildupandyoumayendupexplodinglikeapressurecooker!
Wenowknowthatwhenthereissomethingimportantatstake,avoidingtheconversationflatoutdoesn’twork(andinfactoftenmakesthingsworse).
Fromhereon,wearegoingtofocusonwhatdoeswork.Iamabouttosharewithyoumyfoursuper-easystepsforyourtoughtalks.Ifyoufollowthesestepsaswellasthewealthofothertoolsyouwilluncoverinthechaptersthatfollow,youshouldbeabletofinallyanswerthatall-importantquestion:“HowcanIsaythiswithconfidenceandgettheresultsthatIwant?”
Itisn’trocketscience;itjusttakespreparationandpractice.Iamheretohelpyouwiththepreparationpartatleast-soonwardsandupwards!
“Peoplearemuchmorelikelytoacttheirwayintoanewwayofthinkingthanthinktheirwayintoanewwayofacting.”
-RichardPascale[vi]
Step1:PreparetoTalk
Chapter3:NailtheRealIssue
Chapter4:HammerOutYourGoal
Chapter5:ResisttheTemptation
Chapter3:NailtheRealIssue
Chapterhighlights:
-Whatisthepersonsayingordoing(ornotsayingordoing)thatiscausingaproblemforyou?
-Separatefactfromfiction–justthecold,hardfacts!
-Beawareofhowyourassumptions,judgmentsandbeliefsinfluenceyou.
-Implementthetwo-minutewhineruleasneeded.
My“SadSewing”Story
WhenIwasinninthgrade,mymomthoughtitwouldbeagoodideaifItooksewing.IwasabitskepticalasIwasnotthecraftiestpersonbynature;shehadalreadytriedtoteachmetoknitonceandthathadbeenadisaster.Anyway,IgotintoalotoftroubleinsewingclassbecauseIalwayswantedtoleapinandstart,withnopreparation.Iwouldquicklyhackupthefabricandthenruntothesewingmachineandlineupthepiecesusingthe“eyeball”method;thenIwouldputthesewingpedaltothemetal.
Atfirst,therewouldbegreatsatisfaction...butthensuddenlythesewingneedlewouldcareenoffthegarmentandmakeamessofthestitching.Iwould
thenhavetogothroughthetedioustaskofrippingoutallofthestitchingandstartingover.Itwastimeconsumingandexasperating.Thesadthingis,mostofmygarmentslookedlikeoldragsbythetimeIwasfinishedandIwouldactuallytakelongerthanthestudentswhotooktheirtimebecauseofallthesewingIwouldhavetoredo.IfonlyIhadsloweddown,preparedandplannedahead,Icouldhavesavedmyselfsomuchtimeandgrief.
“Insanity:doingthesamethingoverandoveragainexpectingdifferentresults.”
-AlbertEinstein
Thesameprinciplesapplywhentacklingourchallengingconversations.Don’tapproachyourconversationsthewayIapproachedmysewing-youwillnotbehappywiththeresult!
Whenwethinkabouthowtohaveatoughconversation,weoftengetoverwhelmedandfailtomakeanyprogress.Nowisthetimetostopspinningyourwheelsandgetgrounded-andthefirststepistonaildowntherealissue.Sometimestheissueiseasytodefine,suchashavingtotellsomebodytheydidnotgetthepromotionorneedingtofiresomeone.Othertimes,definingtheissueistrickier.Ifyouarehavingtroublegettingclearabouttheissueathand,thenaskyourselfwhattheotherpersonissaying,notsaying,doingornotdoingthatiscausingaproblemforyouorothers.Whatpreciselyisitthatisdrivingyoucrazy?
Whenrelationshipsarestrained,thatstraincomplicatesthingsandyoucanlosesightofwhatyouareactuallyconcernedabout.However,itiscriticalthatyounailtheissuedownearlybecauseouremotionsandourimaginationstendtorunawaywithus,whichcanobviouslymakethingsmuchworse.Wehaveatendencytodefineissuesintermsofwhatotherpeopleare“doingwrong”orsomeimaginedcharacterflawoftheirs.Wemakeassumptionsandarequicktojudge.
Hereisanexampleofacommonwaypeopledefinetheirissueswhentheyhavenotyetnaileddowntherealproblem:“Oh,theproblemismyegomaniacbossisabsolutelygoingtofreakoutwhenItellhimI’mnotcomingtohis‘promotionparty’becauseI‘mawayinPalmSprings.Hethinkshe’ssucharockstar,asifheisthemostimportantpersonintheworld.Seriously,doeshereallythinkweallcandropourplansjusttoaccommodatehis?”
Newsflash:describingyourbossasanegomaniacalwannaberockstarisa
judgmentonyourpart,notanactualproblem.Togetaclearerpictureofwhat’sgoingon,youmustaskyourselfwhatyourbossisdoingornotdoingthatiscausingaproblemforyouorothers.Withoutaskingtherightquestion,youareassumingthatifyoudonotattendyourboss’party,itmaynegativelyaffectyourrelationshipwithhimandyourchancesofgettingthatpromotion.Youactuallyneedtotalktoyourbossaboutyourplansandconcerns-insteadofpreemptivelyinventinganissue.
“Labelsareforfiling.Labelsareforclothing.Labelsarenotforpeople.”
-MartinaNavratilova[vii]
Hereisanotherexampleofhowpeoplecommonlydescribeaso-calledissueintheworkplace:“IfIleavethisreportforLazyLindatodo,itwillnevergetdone.IfIwanttogetanythingdonearoundthisofficeIhavetodoitmyself;Ijustdon’thaveachoice.”Oops-youhavejustdefinedtheissueasLindabeing“lazy”andtakenonthemartyrrolebyrunningintosavetheday.Unfortunately,thesearejustyourjudgments,assumptionsandbeliefsoncemore,notanaccurateassessmentoftherealproblem.Again,askyourselfwhatLindaisdoingornotdoingthathasledyoutotheconclusionthatsheislazy-andhowisLinda’saction(ornon-action)causingaproblemforyouorothers?
Definingaproblemasashortcomingintheotherpersonisasurefirewaytoputthatpersononthedefensive,whichcreatesinstanttroublefortheconversation.Weoftendefaulttothe“avoid/complain”optionbecauseitisthepathofleastresistance.Imaginehowyourpoorfriendsfeellisteningtoyougoonandonaboutyourself-importantbossorsloth-likecoworker.Ugh!Iamsuretheyhaveheardquiteenough.Rememberthetwo-minutewhinerulewecoveredinchaptertwo?First,youtaketwoself-indulgentminutestowhineandcomplaintoyourtrusty“whinebuddy.”Thenitistimetomoveonandgetproactive.
Identifyingtherealproblemorissueessentiallycomesdowntotwoquestions:
1.Whatisthepersondoingornotdoingthathasledyoutoyourconclusionorjudgment?Forexample,ifyousaythatLindaislazy,thenaskyourselfwhatitisspecificallythatLindadoesordoesn’tdothatleadsyoutotheconclusionthatsheislazy.(Sticktothefactsplease!)
2.Howistheperson’sbehaviorcausingaproblemforyouorothers?Forexample,specificallyhowisLinda’sbehaviorcreatinganissueforyouoryourcoworkers?
UncoveringtheCold,HardFacts
Toanswerthesequestions,weneedtoberealaboutwhatisgoingonandsetasideourowncolorfulstories.Thefirstpartofidentifyingtheissueisseparatingoutthefactsfromour“Hollywoodversion”ofwhathasbeengoingon.
Sowhatarethecold,hardfacts?Statingthefactscanbeverytrickybecauseinsideusallaretrulyexcellentstory-makingmachines.Unfortunately,ourstoriesareoftenfullofassumptionsandcontainallsortsof“hot,”judgmentallanguage.Ourextremelytalented-yetoftenmisinformed-insidevoiceshelpustocreatethesestories.YouknowthevoiceI’mtalkingabout;it’sthatannoyinglittlevoicethatchattersendlesslyinourheads,actingasourownpersonalspindoctor,neveratalossforwordsandalwayseagertostateanopinion.Ittakesthefacts,reinventsthemandcreatesaverycolorful,one-sidedstory.Theresultingconcoctionservesonlytofantheflamesand,justlikeanystory,themoreyouplayitandreplayitthemorebelievableitbecomes.Yourinsidevoiceplaystheblamegame,worshipsthemartyrandembracestheroleofthevictim.Ifyoustarttobelievethatyourstoriesare“thefacts,”thenyougetstuckanditbecomesverydifficulttocommunicatewithoutblameandcriticismspewingoutinyourwordsand/orbodylanguage.Dealingwiththeinsidevoicetakespractice,butitispossibletosilenceitwithalittlepersistence.
“...beginchallengingyourassumptions.Yourassumptionsareyourwindowsontheworld.Scrubthemoffeveryonceinawhileorthelightwon’tcomein.”
-AlanAlda[viii]
ImaginehowtheconversationwithLazyLindawouldgoifyoutoldheroutrightthatsheisnotdoingherfairshareofthework.Itisnotgoingtogowellunlessyouletgoofalloftheannoying,judgmentalideasyourinsidevoicehasaccumulatedandfiledawayas“veryimportantandtrueinformation.”Lookhardfortherealfactsinyourstory.Beasspecificaspossibleanddescribetheissueinthreesentencesorfewer.Iknow,that’satoughone;weallthinkthatthemorewehavetosay,thebetter.Nothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth.Iamserioushere:threesentencestodescribewhatitisthattheotherpersonisdoing,
maximum!
ProblemorNoProblem:JustThinkBeforeYouSpeak!
Pleasedon’tevenconsideropeningyourmouthuntilyouhavereallyseparatedout“yourstory”from“therealstory.”Thismayalsorequirethatyouhaveamentaldumpofallofyourassumptions,judgmentsandbeliefstosilenceyournatteringinsidevoice.Consciouslydumpingitoutmaypreventitfrominadvertentlyleakingoutwhileyouarehavingtheconversation.Iwilltellmyself,“Diane,dumpallthatchatterandflushit.”Youwillfeelsomuchlighter(evenifthescalesdonotagree!),clearerandbetterabletotackletheissueathand.
Iremindmyselfoftheimportanceofthementaldumpthankstomyownpainfulpersonalexperience.Wehaveallbeenthere,blurtingsomethingoutand,asthewordsflyacrosstheroom,wishingthereweresomewaytoreinthembackin.Itdoesn’thelpthatothersareusuallytheretowitnessyourdisgrace-so,Iamheretostronglyencourageyoutolearnyour(andmy)lessontotakethementaldumpbeforeyouspeak.
ScarySecretary
Earlyinhismedicalcareerandjustasearlyinmylegalcareer,Ireceivedafranticphonecallfrommyhubbyonemorning.Hisnewsecretaryhadhadanervousbreakdownandhadabandonedship.Hewasleftwithafulloffice,abusydayofpatientsandanemptyreceptiondesk.Hesoundedverynervousandstressed.Afterabitofbeggingandsomepitifulimploring,IcheckedmyscheduleanddecidedIcouldcomeinforthedayandbailhimout.(Aren’tIthebestwifeever?)
So,offItrottedtohisofficetosavetheday.Asfatewouldhaveit,however,thejobwasmuchmoredifficultthanIhadanticipated,fulloftediousdetails,frequentinterruptions,irritablepatients,endlessphonecallsandquestionsthatIwasnowherenearqualifiedtoanswer.Inshort,itwaschaoticandIwasmadlyscramblingtogetthingsrolling.Withimpeccabletiming,hubbybuzzedmeatthefrontdesk.Itrang10timesbeforeIcouldpickitup;whostaysonthelinethatlonganyway?(Thiswasmyinsidevoice,whichwasdefinitelynothelpingrightthen!)
“CanyougetDr.SmartfromtheEyeBankonthephoneforme?”hubby
asked.“Ihaveapatientwhoneedsatransplant.”Despitetherelativelyinnocuousrequest,atthispointmyinsidevoicewasscreaming,“Areyoukiddingme?Areyourfingersbroken?Whodoyouthinkyouare,youarroganttwit?Howdareyouaskmetodosuchamenialtask–especiallywhenIamoutherebustingmybuttanddoingyouabigfavor?”Now,thisiswhereIshouldhavetakenadeepbreathandtakenabigmentaldump.Instead,Iblurtedoutinaloudvoiceinfrontoftheentirewaitingroom,“Areyouserious?Phonehimyourself!”andIslammedthephonedown–hard.(Slammingdownphoneswasfarmoresatisfyinginthedaysbeforecordlesstechnology.)
Ilookedupandsawthatallofthepatientsinthewaitingroomwerestaringatmeincompletedisbelief.ThatputintocontextformewhatIhadjustdone.First,let’sfigureouttherealissuehere,whichiseasyenough:IwasupsetwhenhubbyhadaskedmetomakethecallbecauseIwasoverwhelmedatthetimeandtherequestseemedlikeanunnecessary,menialtask...butinsteadofblowingup,whenhehadaskedmetomakethatcallIcouldhavequitesimplysaid–afterthementaldump–somethinglikethis:
“Iamsorry,butIreallydon’thavethetimetomakethecallrightnow.Iamjustcopingwiththefrontdesk.”STOPTALKING.(Youhavemadeyourpoint;no
needtoblabon.)
Takingthatmentaldumpbeforeyouevenopenyourmouthmeansyouwon’tblurtsomethingthatisrudeandaggressive.
Let’slookatsomeworksituationstoseehowwemightgoaboutthisfirststageofpreparingforourowntoughtalks.
SettingExpectations:NewManagerontheBlock
Imaginethatyouhaverecentlybeenpromotedandyouarenowsupervisinganumberofindividualswhowereyourcoworkersjustlastmonth.Coffee,lunchandthebaronFridaynightusedtobeyournormwiththesepeople–nowthatyouaretheboss,thingshavegottenalittleawkward.OnMonday,atyourfirst-everteammeeting,youclearlysetoutsomeexpectationsandprioritiesfortheweekahead.Specifically,youassignedanumberofyourstafftoworkonaparticularprojectfortheweekandyouleftthemeetingcertainthateveryonewasonthesamepage.
FastforwardtoFridayatnoon:ithascometoyourattentionthatoneteam
member,Al,hasnotbeenworkingonyourassignedproject.Youarefumingandyourinsidevoicestartstochatterlikecrazy:“Alisadifficultemployee.Hehasalwaysbeenaslackerandhejustlovestotesthissupervisors.JustbecauseI’mnew,hethinkshecanpushmearound...”andonandon,spewingoutallsortsofjudgments.DespitehowyoumayfeelaboutAl,yourinsidevoicereallyisnotdoingyouanyfavorsatthismoment.
Takeastepbackandworkonseparatingfactfromfictionbyquestioningyourversionofthestory.Askyourself,“WhatisAldoingorsayingthatiscausingtheproblem?”anddoyourbesttoanswertruthfully.Thefactsmaysoundsomethinglikethis:Alwasyourcoworkeramonthago;nowyouarehisboss.YouassignedallmembersofyourteamtoworkonaparticularprojectthisweekandAldidnotfollowthrough.Youdonotknowwhyhedidn’tworkonitalthoughyouhavesomeassumptions.Stoprightthere-thosearethefactsinexactlythreesentences.(Remember,youonlygetthreesentencesorless.)
Next,askyourself,basedonfactsonly,howAl’sbehavioriscausingaproblemforyouorothers.Asanewmanager,youmaydefinetheproblemasaconcernabouthowaccountabilityandcommunicationareviewedbyyourteam.Ifteammemberschoosetoworkonotherprojectswithoutinformingyou(forwhateverreason,evenifitislegitimate)whatdoesthatsayaboutyourleadershiptobothAlandtherestoftheteam?YouareconcernedthatunlessyoudealwithAl’sinsubordination,youaresettinganunwelcomeprecedentforthefuture.Essentiallyyourleadership,yourself-respectandyourrelationshipwithAlandtherestofyourteamareatstake.
Nowthatyouhaveaclearpictureoftheproblem,whatcouldyousaytoAl?
“Al,IwanttotalktoyouabouttheprojectthatIassignedattheteammeeting.Ithascometomyattentionthatyoudidnotworkonitthisweek.Iamnotsurewhy,butIbelievethatbynotspeakingtomefirstitcreatesaproblemforbothmeasaleaderandfortheothermembersoftheteam.Canwetalkaboutthis?”
STOPTALKING.(Bepreparedtolistentohim.)
Dependingonhowtheconversationgoes,youmayneedtomoreclearlyestablishexpectationsforthefuture.
PoorPerformance:WebsiteWilly
Imagineyouhaveanewwebsitedesigner.WebsiteWillyiscreative,personableandhisfinalproductisexcellent.However,theissueisthatherarelydoeswhathesaysheisgoingtodowithinthetimeframeinwhichhesaysheisgoingtodoit.Tomakealongstoryshort,WebsiteWilly’slackoftimelyfollow-throughisdrivingyoucrazy.Yourjudgmentalinsidevoiceisranting,“Willyisovercommittedandsuper-disorganized.Seriously,doeshethinkhelivesonaplanetwheredeadlinesdon’tmatter?Howself-absorbeddoyouhavetobetothinkthattimeactuallystandsstillforyou?Idon’tknowhowhecopesintherealworld-itcertainlydoesn’tseemlikehe’scopingverywellatwork!”
Beforeyouletyourinsidevoicetotallytakecontrol,remindyourselftostickwiththecold,hardfacts.ItistruethatWebsiteWillytoldyouthathecandelivercertainelementsofthewebsitewithinacertaintimeframeandthathehasnotdonewhathehadpromisedonanumberofoccasions.Theproblemisthatyouarewastingtimefollowingupwithhimonthechangesthatyouhaverequested.Thebiggerconcernisthenewwebsitematerialisdelayed,whichcouldpotentiallyundermineyourcredibilitywithyourclients.Thesearethefactsinthreesentencesandyouhavecorrectlyidentifiedtheproblemthesefactsarecausing.Now,whatcouldyousaytoWilly?
“Willy,Iwanttotalktoyouaboutthewebsitedevelopment.Ihavebeenfrustratedlatelyastherehavebeenanumberofoccasionsinthelastmonthinwhichyoupromisedcertaincomponentsofthewebsiteandtheyhavenotbeendone.Ibelievethesehaveanegativeimpactontheprofessionalismofmy
website.Iamalsostartingtofeellikeyourmothernaggingyou.IknowIamnotenjoyingitandIsuspectyouaren’teither!Canwetalkaboutthis?”STOP
TALKING.(Timetohearhimout.)
BadBehavior:HelloAgain,LazyLinda!
Let’sgobackandtalktoLinda,yourcoworkerwhohasnotbeengettingherreportsdoneontime.Lindahasjustinformedyouthatsheissadlytoodarnbusytodoherportionoftheassignedreport,whichisduetobepresentedinonlyafewdays.Youarefuming.“Notime,mybutt!”yousaytoyourself.“Thisisjustlikeher.Shehadtimetotakealonglunchwithhernewboyfriend,butnotimetodoherwork.Really!”
Yourgrumblyinsidevoiceaside,youhaveheardLindawhispering“sweetnothings”onhercellphoneandseenhertextinglikeafiendallweek.Thisisnot
thefirsttimethishashappened;infactitisabitofapattern,especiallywhenthereisanewmaninherlife.Sowhatdoyoudo?Yougoaheadandfinishthereportyourselflikeyouhavedonemanytimesbefore.
Whatistheunderlyingissue,here?Iamsorrytosaythatyouareapartoftheproblem.Lindahaslearnedthatifshedoesnotstepuptotheplate,youwillbailherout.Althoughyouprobablyfeelhelplesseachtimethisissuepresentsitself,youdohavecontroloveryouractions.TheotherissueisthatLindadidnotdoherassignedsectionofthereport.Shehastoldyoushehasnotimetodoitandyetyouhaveseenwithyourowneyeswhatshedoesduringworkhours.Whenhavingtheconversation,youmaywanttoletLindaknowthatyouarefeelingfrustratedandresentfulabouthernotdoingherassignedportionofthereport.Hereisonewayyoucouldwordthistoughconversation:
“Linda,I’venoticedapatternwhenweworktogetheronreports.Onseveraloccasions,includingthisweek,youhavetoldmeyouaretoobusytoprovidetheinputforyourpartofthereport.IamfrustratedbecauseIseeyouspendingtimeonpersonalmattersandIendupdoingtheentirejobbecauseIdon’twantourgrouptolookbad.Iamworriedifwedon’tfigureoutawaytohandlethisgoing
forward,Iamgoingtobecomemoreresentfulanditisgoingtoaffectourworkingrelationship.”STOPTALKING.(Silenceispowerful.)
Whew!Thatisagoodonetohaveoverwith!NowLindaknowsherpatternsatworkareanissue.Wehavetoletpeopleknowhowtheirbehavioraffectsusifthereistobeanyhopethatthingswillchange.(Anoteofcaution:don’texpectinstantresults.Ourmessagessometimesneedspacetosinkin.)
ButIHaveNoTime!
Takingthetimetoseparatefactfromfictionbeforeyoulaunchintoaconversationthatyouanticipatewillbedifficultmayseemlikeawasteoftime,especiallyforthoseofyouwithTypeApersonalities(trustme,Icanrelate).Sometimesproblemsseemsoobviousthatyouareindignantatthethoughtofsquanderingevenmoreofyourtimeandenergyclarifyingthefacts,especiallyafterallthetimeandenergyyouhavealreadyspentworryingabouttheissueathand.
“Beforeanythingelse,preparationisthekeytosuccess.”
-AlexanderGrahamBell
Restassuredthatthepreparationyoudoupfrontisworthwhile;notonlywillithelpyoutoclarifywhatisatstakeandwhattheissuesare,itwillalsoensureyoudon’tblurtoutthefirstthingthatcomestomind.AsItellmysonandmynephew(whobickerlikesiblings),relationshipscannotalwaysbemendedwith“I’msorry,”sospendthetimetobeclearonwhetherthisisaconversationyouneedtohaveandwhy.
TopToolstoRecall:NailingDowntheRealIssue
-Untilyoucanidentifywhattheissueorproblemis,youcannotaddressit.Untilyouaddressityoucannotsolveit.-Discoveringtherealissueorproblemrequiresyoutoseparatefactfromfiction.-Negotiatingwithyour“insidevoice”andhavingamentaldumpofyourassumptions,beliefsandjudgmentswillhelpyougettothefacts-andyoumayfeellightertoo!-Getspecific:Askyourselfwhattheotherpersonisdoingornotdoing(justthefacts)thatiscausingaproblemforyouorothers.Summarizeforyourselfinthreesentencesorless.
Untilnow,youhavebeenadetectiveexaminingthecold,hardevidence.Withtheinformationyouhavegatheredyouhavedistilledtheissueorproblemintothreefactualsentencesorless.Youhavedealtwithyourinsidevoicetoquiettheconstantchatteringbyquestioningwhatyouhadfiledawayas“veryimportantandtrueinformation”(a.k.a.yourbeliefs,assumptionsandjudgments).Youmayhaveevenhadamentaldump.
Thenextstepistoclarifyyourgoalfortheconversation-whatyouareactuallyhopingtoachievebyhavingthistalk.Yourgoalwillbeyourguidinglightandsomethingyouwillwanttorevisitwhileyouarehavingtheconversation,ifandwhenthingsstarttoheatup.
Chapter4:HammerOutYourGoal
Chapterhighlights:
-Whatareyouhopingtoaccomplishbyhavingthisconversation?
-Focusonwhatyoucanachieve:Isyourgoalrealistic?
-Haveabackupplaniftheconversationgoessouroryoudon’tgetcooperationfromtheotherperson.
Beforeyouopenyourmouthtotalktosomeone,itisabsolutelyessentialthatyouaskyourselfwhatyouarehopingtoachieveinhavingthisconversation;inotherwords,whatisyourgoal?Youneedtofocusonwhatyoucando:somethingthatisrealistic,withinyourcontrolandproductive.Youalsoneedtothinkabouthavingaplaniftheconversationgoessidewaysoryoudonotgetcooperationfromtheotherperson.Askyourself,“Whatisthebottomlinehere?WhatcanIlivewith?”
Therealityisthatmanyofusgointodifficultconversationswithoutreallyknowingwhatwewanttogetoutofitorwhatwewilldoifwehittheditch(as
weinevitablydofromtimetotime).Wejustknowweneedtosaysomethingbecauseweareupset,irritatedorfrustrated.Wethinkaboutwhatwewanttheotherpersontodoandwethinkabouthowwewantthemtochange.
“Youcan’thitahomerununlessyoustepuptotheplate.Youcan’tcatchafishunlessyouputyourlineinthewater.Youcan’treachyourgoalsifyoudon’ttry.”
-KathySeligman[ix]
Wearesobusyworryingabouttheotherpersonthatwereallydon’tpayenoughattentiontowhatitisthatwereallywanttogainfromhavingthetalkinthefirstplace.Ifwedon’ttruly,clearlyknowwhatitisthatwewant,thentalkingtotheotherpersonispointlessbecausetherecannotbeaclearandproductivedirection.Theconversationramblesalongandwesaytoourselves,“Howdidweenduptalkingaboutthis?”or“Wheredidthingsgosoterriblywrong?”Ihavebeenthereanddonethattoomanytimes.RememberhowAlicefelldowntherabbitholebecauseshewanderedaroundwithoutanydirection?Havingclarityaboutyourgoalscanhelpyoutosteerclearofrabbitholes,ditches,landmines...yougettheidea.
ClarifyaProductiveGoal
Iftheintentofyourconversationistoberespectfulandhonest,thenyouareontherighttracktoaproductivegoal.Ifyouarehavingthetalkfortherightreasons-andyouarepreparedandwillingtobeopenandcuriousabouttheotherperson-thenchancesareincreasedthattheconversationwillturnouthowyouwantitto.(MyfriendScottiefromthisbook’sintroductionhasprovenittometimeandagain.)Bewarnedthatifyouarestillfumingaboutyourmostrecentaltercationattheoffice,youmaybetemptedtomaketheintentofyourconversationlessthanhonorable,saybyputtingtheoffendingpersondownorattemptingtoupsetthepersoninretaliationforhowupsetyouhavebeen.Iamheretotellyouthataslongasyourintentistosimplyventyouranger,youwillneverbeabletotrulygetwhatyouwantoutofadifficultconversation.Tomakereal,genuineprogress,youneedtofocusonwhatyoucanachieve,somethingthatisdoable,productiveandwithinyourcontrol.
Andwhatisthat,exactly?Well,youcanchoosewhatyoucommunicateandhowyoucommunicateit.Ifyouchoosewisely,thatshouldhelpgettheballrollingintherightdirection.Unfortunately,youcannotchangesomeoneelse’s
behavior,attitudesorreactions-butperhapsyouhavefiguredthatoutalready.Ifyoutrytochangepeople(asIregrettablyhave,moretimesthanI’dliketoadmit),Iguaranteeyouaregoingtohitabrickwalleventually.Peopleonlychangewhentheywanttoandtheyaremorelikelytomakechangesiftheyfeelthatwehavetreatedthemrespectfully.
TheBackupPlan
Partofgoalsettingiscreatingabackupplanincasetheconversationgoessouroryourmessagegoesinoneearandouttheother.Yourbackupplanwillgiveyouthebestchanceofhavingasuccessfulconversation.Youcannotcontrolhowsomeoneelseisgoingtoreactorbehaveasaresultofyourconversation,buthavingabackupplaninplacewillgiveyoutheconfidenceyouneedtostaythecourseifthingsbecomechallenging.Ifyoudonotgetcooperationfromtheotherpersonorifthingscontinuetogodownhill,thenthebackupplanisyourtrumpcard.Itallowsyoutohavetheconversationwiththeknowledgethatyouarenotdependentontheotherperson’scooperation,whichmakesyoufarlesslikelytocomeacrossasdesperate,whinyoraggressive.
HelpfulHint:TheKeytoCreatingYourBackupPlan
Ensurethat:
1.Yourbackupplandoesnotrelyontheotherperson’scooperation;and2.Yourbackupplanissomethingyoucanlivewith.Behonestwithyourselfhere!
If,duringtheconversation,youchosetorevealyourbackupplantotheotherperson,bepreparedtofollowthroughwithit.Takealookatthefollowingcautionarytale:
Youhavejustemphaticallytoldyourclientthattherearegoingtobenomorespecialrequestsorrushorders,onlytohaveacallfromthemthefollowingdayaskingyoutosqueezeinonemorerushorder.Theypromisethatthisisthelasttime(buthaven’tyouheardthatbefore?)andyoupredictablycaveaftersomebegging,takingontheircrisisasyourown.Uhoh-youhavejustreinforcedthatyour“no”isnotreallya“no;”infactitsoundsanawfullotlikeabigfat“yes!”Ifthisisthepatternyousetforyourself,youareultimatelynever
goingtogetwhatyouwantoutofyourtoughconversationsbecauseyouareunderminingyourselfbynotcommittingtoyourbackupplan.
Thekeytohavingasolidbackupplanistomakesureitissomethingthatyouabsolutely100%canfollowthroughonwithoutwaffling.Thismustbetruewhetheryoutelltheotherpersonyourplanornot.Intheexamplewejustlookedatwiththebeggingcustomer,yourbackupplanmightbetofollowyourstandardoperatingprocedureofthreedaystoprocessanorder.Toimplementyourbackupplan,youmustcalmlyandconfidentlymakeyourdecisionscleartoyourcustomerwithan“ABCmessage”(moreonABCmessagesinsteptwoof“TamingtheElephantintheOffice,”startinginchaptersix).
Hereisonewayyoumightreinforceyourbackupplan:
“YouknowthatIvalueyouasaclientandIwanttoprovidethebestpossibleservice.ThewayIcandothatandensureefficiencyandfairnessforallofmyclientsisbyguaranteeingathree-dayturnaroundtimeonallorders.Icanhavethisordertoyouwithinthreedays.”STOPTALKING.(Ifyoudon’t,youwill
inevitablyshootyourselfinthefoot.)
Let’slookatsomeworksituationstoseehowaclear,productivegoalandarealisticbackupplanfortheconversationwillhelpthingsstayfocused.
DeliveringSensitiveNews:BadBreathBetty
Yourcolleague,Betty,hasterriblebreath.Youworktogetheronprojectsandthesmellisreallybotheringyou.Youofferhergumconstantly.Youevenboughtmouthwashandputitonyourdeskaspartofaningeniousplan:youusethemouthwashregularlyandmakesuretotellBettyaboutitsamazingeffectivenessanddeliciousflavor,inhopesshewillpickuponyourclues.Sadly,yourless-than-subtlehintshavenotworked.
“Nothingwilleverbeattemptedifallpossibleobjectionsmustfirstbeovercome.”
-SamuelJohnson
Okay,sowhatistheproblem?YouhavenoticedthatBettyhasbadbreath.Yourgoalfortheconversationistosensitivelyletherknow(inacaringbut
honestway)thatyouhavenoticedherbadbreathbecauseyoubelieveshedeservestoknowandalsobecauseyoudesperatelycravealesssmellycoworker.Doyouneedabackupplan?Thatdepends.IfBettyisyoursecretaryandsheisdealingwiththepublic,youmightneedabackupplan,suchasmovingherintothebackpartoftheoffice,ifthingsdon’timprove.Ifsheisacolleaguethenyoulikelyjustwanttoletherknowaboutherbadbreath.Inthiscase,abackupplanisnotneededbecauseyoudonothaveanyreasonablemeansofmotivatingBettytocorrectherbadbreathissuebeyondlettingherknowitisunpleasant.
HowcanyousaysomethingtoBetty?
“Betty,Ihavesomethingtosayanditisabitawkward.Ihavenoticedthelastfewtimeswehavemetthatyouhavehadbadbreath.Iknowifitwereme,Iwouldwantsomeonetotellme.”STOPTALKING.(Sayinganythingmorewill
justprolongthepain.)
DeliveringBadorSadNews:BelovedBoss
OneofthemostdifficultconversationsIhadwastellingoneofmybelovedbossesthatIwasleavingthefirmandmovingtoLosAngelestofollowmysoon-to-behubbyandhiscareer.Myhubbykeptasking,“Haveyoutoldhimyet?”IkeptputtingofftheconversationuntilIfeltlikeIwasgettinganulcer.
Whywasitsodifficulttohavethisconversation?Well,IlovedmyjobandIdidn’twanttoletmybossandmycoworkersdown.Also,Ididn’twanttobeseenasjustanotherwomanwholeftagreatjobforaman.IreallyviewedmyselfasacareerwomanandIwasnotgoingtoselloutforamanormotherhood(Iwasanaïve20-something).Theinternalconflictwaskillingme.Whatmadedeliveringthismessagesotrickywasmyownidentitycrisisaboutwhatleavingreallysaidaboutmeandwhatitmeanttome.Thegoalwasveryclear:tellmybossIwasleaving.IdidalsowanttolethimknowthatithadbeenadifficultdecisionandIwouldreallymisshimandtherestoftheteam.
Herewasmymessagetohim:
“Idon’tknowhowtosaythis,soIamjustgoingtoblurtitout:IamleavingthefirmasIhavedecidedtofollowmyfiancétoLosAngeleswhereheispursuingfellowshiptraining.ThisisoneofthemostdifficultdecisionsIhavehadtomake.
Iamreallygoingtomissthisplace.”
ThenIfollowedmyownadviceandsimplystoppedtalking.Otherwise,ImayhaveagreedtosomethingIdidn’twanttodo-likeworkremotelyorstayonforlongerthanIwantedtohelptrainareplacement.
DealingWithRudeorDisrespectfulBehavior:ColorfulCal
Imagineyourboss,Cal,lovestousecolorfulandwhatyouregardtobeinappropriatelanguage.Yourgoalintalkingtohimmaybejusttolethimknowthatwhenheusesthiskindoflanguage,youfeeluncomfortable.Itisaboutlettinghimknowtheimpactofhisbehavioronyou.Itmightbethatsimple-nothingmore,nothingless.Itisreallyaboutassertingyourselfandspeakingyourmindwithoutnecessarilyexpectinganythingconcreteinreturn.
Ifhisbehaviorisreallyupsettingtoyouandyoudon’tseeanyimprovement,yourbackupplanmaybetoleavemeetingswhenhestartsusinglanguagethatmakesyouuncomfortableor,intheextreme,youcouldgotoHumanResourcesandasktobetransferredtoadifferentdepartment.ItisunlikelyinthisfirstconversationthatyouwouldsayanythingtoCalaboutyourbackupplan.Havingabackupplanisreallyaboutgivingyoupeaceofmindsoyoudon’tavoidhavinganawkwardconversation,asopposedtousingittocoerceorthreatensomeoneintochanging(whichcoulddefinitelybackfire,especiallywithyourboss).
Hereissomethingyoumightsay:
“Cal,Idon’twanttobedifficult,butIwantedtoletyouknowthatIfeeluncomfortablewhenyouswearinourmeetings.Iwouldappreciateitifyoudidnotuseprofanitiesinfrontofme.”STOPTALKING.(Rememberthatbrevityis
powerful.)
DealingWithPoorPerformance:One-TaskTammy
Imagineyouhaveinheritedanemployeewhohasbeeninherjobalongtimeandyetisonlyabletoperformthemostbasicfunctions.Herinabilitytodoeverythingherjobentailshasneverbeenproperlyaddressed.Youknowthisisaffectingtherestoftheteambecausetheyhavebeen(reluctantly)pickinguptheslack.Nowresentmentisbuildingasworkloadsincrease.YourgoalintalkingtoTammyistoletherknowyourexpectationthatshemustbeabletodoallofher
jobfunctions.YouareconcernedthatyoumaybetryingtoputaBand-Aidonahemorrhage,butyoufeelsheatleastdeservesachance.Youdecideyouarewillingtoofferherretrainingwithaconcreteactionplan,ifshethinksthatwillhelp,oryoucangivehertheoptiontobetransferredtoamorejuniorpositioninthemailroom.Yourbackupplanmaybeultimatelytodemoteher.
Here’swhatyoumightsaytoTammy:
“Tammy,Iwanttoletyouknowthatmyexpectationsgoingforwardarethatyouareabletodoallpartsofthisjob.Iamwillingtoarrangesomeretrainingwithaconcreteplanforfollow-up,orIcanofferyouapositioninthemailroom.Thedecisionofwhatyouwouldliketodoisyours.Doyouhaveanythoughtsorquestionsaboutthis?”STOPTALKING.(Youmayundermineyourmessageif
youkeepyacking.)
SayingNo:SnowDaySue
Youworkdowntownandsomeemployeescommutelongdistances.Onedayitbeginstosnowheavily;predictably,trafficissnarledandpublictransportationisatastandstill.Youadviseyourstaffthatthosewhoneedtoleaveearlycandoso,buttheofficewillremainopen.Severalcommutersasktoleaveanhourortwoearly,includingSue,whomyouknowlivesclosetotheofficeandwalkstoworkeveryday.Youhadanticipatedthisrequest;itwouldn’tbethefirsttimethatSuehadusedaninappropriateexcusetogetoutofworkearly.(Oops,quietthatinsidevoice!)
Asfarasyourgoalfortheconversation,youarequiteclearthatyouwanttotellSuethatno,shecan’tleaveworkearly.Yourbackupplanistoofferherunpaidtimeoffifsheinsistsonleavingearly.Ultimately,havingthisbackupplangivesyouthestrengthtostandfirm,evenunderheranticipatedopposition.
HowmightyousaynotoSnowDaySue?
“Sue,Ineedyoutobeoneoftheteamthatstaysintheofficeuntiltheendoftheday.Ifyouwon’tstay,thenIwillbeaskingyoutotakethetimeoffwithoutpay.”
STOPTALKING.(Thereisnothingmoretosay.)
SummingUp
Akeytogoalsettingistothinkthroughwhatyouwilldoiftheconversationgoessourorifyoudonotgetcooperationfromtheotherperson.Thiswillhelpyoutoformulateasolidbackupplan.Rememberthatabackupplanisn’tabackupplanunlessyoureallymeantofollowthrough.Donotthreatentoquit,reportsomebody,firesomebodyoranythingelseunlessyoureallywoulddoit.Makesureyoucanlivewiththeconsequencesofyourbackupplan.Yourcredibilityandyourself-esteemareontheline;plus,ifyourevealabackupplanyoureallydon’tintendtoputintoaction,youmayendupbackingyourselfintoacornerorputtingyourselfinanotherwiseextremelydifficultsituation.
TopToolstoRecall:HammeringOutYourGoal
-Yourgoalshouldbedoable,productiveandsomethingthatiswithinyourcontrol.-Haveabackupplaniftheconversationbottomsout;itwillgiveyouthecouragetospeakupwithconfidence.-Yourbackupplanshouldnotbedependentontheotherperson’scooperation.
Sometimes,whenwearethinkingaboutourprimarygoalforadifficultconversation,whatwereallywanttodoiscontroltheotherpersonortheoutcome,somehowforcethatpersontochange,orcriticize,guiltorshametheotherpersoninretaliationforourownhurtfeelings.Let’sbehonesthere:ifeveryonewouldjustagreewithusorifnoone’sfeelingswereontheline,theseconversationswouldreallynotbethattough!
“Withoutgoalsandplanstoreachthem,youarelikeashipthathassetsailwithnodestination.”
-FitzhughDodson[x]
Thereisarealdangerthatyoumaysecretly(orevenunconsciously)haveanunproductivegoalforyourdifficultconversation,whichwillprettymuchguaranteethatthingswillgobadly.Havingunproductivegoalsonlypreventsusfromgettingwhatwereallyneedfromourtoughtalks.Inthenextchapter,wewillbeuncoveringsomeofthepotentialpitfallsofunproductivegoalsandhowyoucansidestepthem.
Chapter5:ResisttheTemptation
Chapterhighlights:
-Losetheurgetocontrolorchangetheotherperson.
-Forgettryingtoprovethatyouare“right.”
-Resistthedesiretosneakilyinsultorunderminetheotherperson.
-Letgoofanyexpectationsofavoidinganegativereactiontoyourtoughconversation.
Oneofthebiggestpitfallswetumbleintoinourtoughtalksiswhenthereisadisconnectbetweenwhatwesaywewanttogetoutoftheconversationandwhatwesecretlyhopetoachieve.Rememberatruegoalshouldberealistic,honestandproductive.Ifyouaretryingtocontroltheotherperson,makethemchange,proveyouareright,preventthemfromhavinganegativereaction,makeasneakydig(ortwo)orgetbackatthem,letmetellyourightnowthatthesearenotthekindsofgoalsthatwillleadtosuccess.Thisisyourdesireforcontrol,
yourhurtfeelingsoryourwoundedegotakingoverthesituation.IknowbecauseIamspeakingfromexperience.Itwillbeobviousifyouhavemadeanyoftheaboveyour“realgoals”fortheconversation;respectwillvanishandthingswillgosideways,justwhatyouhadoriginallyfearedanddesperatelywantedtoavoid.
LosetheUrgetoControltheOtherPerson
Controlisgoodinsomepartsofyourlife(pantyhose,Spandex,yourcrazyimpulses...).However,whenyourgoalistotrytocontrolothersbychangingthem,makingthem“seethelight,”deliveringultimatumsortryingtopreventthemfrombeingupset,yourconversationisdoomed.ThereareafewtruthswhenitcomestothesetoughtalksandIremindmyselfaboutthemonaregularbasis:
1.Youcan’tcontrolsomeoneelse’sreaction.
Oftenwhenyougointotheseconversations,thelastthingyouwanttodoishurtorupsettheotherperson.However,youcannotmake“beingnice”yourgoalbecauseitwillinevitablyinterferewithyourabilitytocommunicateinastraightforwardandhonestway.Youendupdoctoringyourmessageasyoutrytocushiontheblowandcontroltheotherperson’sreactions.Youhopetheotherpersonwillsmileandbehappyandnotseeyouasanunkind,pettyordifficultperson.Whenyouareconcernyourselfwithpreservingyourownimageasaniceandreasonableperson,chancesareyouaren’tcommunicatinginaclearandhonestway.
Thinkofthelasttimeyoudidn’tgetajoboryouweren’tchosenforaproject.Thepersonstartsinwithabig,longsonganddanceabouthowgreatyouare,howyouarejustsoamazingandthatthedecision,well,itreallywasn’tpersonal.Doesn’titjustfeelsoinsincere?Whenpeoplespinstories,myB.S.metergoesoffbigtimeandIfeelthattheyaremoreconcernedwithpreservingtheirimageasanicepersonand/ortryingtopreventmefrombeingupsetthanwithbeinghonestandstraightwithme.Iloserespectforthem.Thelessonisnottotrytocushionthebloworpreventtheotherpersonfromgettingupsetbecauseitwillonlyaggravatehimorhermore.PeoplehaveprettysensitiveB.S.metersandIpromiseyou,theywillcatchon-andinsteadoflookinglike“theniceguy,”whichwasthereasonyoustartedalteringyourmessageinthefirstplace,youenduplookingworsethanifyouhadjustbeenstraightforwardfromthe
start.
“Whatmakesresistingtemptationdifficultformanypeopleistheydon’twanttodiscourageitcompletely.”
-FranklinP.Jones[xi]
Let’stakeaspecificworkplaceexampleofwhenwemaybetemptedtotrytopreventtheotherpersonfromhavinganegativeemotionalreaction:
Imagineyouareamanagerwhoneedstotellyourhardworkingemployee,Gail,thatdespiteyourassurancesandheroutstandingperformancereviews,sheactuallydidnotgetthepromotionthatshewasexpecting.Why?Becausesomeonefromheadofficewithsenioritydecidedtomovetoyourregionandshewantsthejob.Itistherightdecisionfortheorganization,butyouareworriedthatGailwillbedevastated.Now,youtellyourselfthatthedecisionwasoutofyourcontrol(anditreallywas);however,youstillhadledGailtobelievethatshewasashoo-inforthejob.Youfeelsickaboutitandyouneedtotellher.Youareworriedthatshemightstartcrying.Shehasdonethatbeforeanditmakesyousquirm-soyoutrytopreventherfrombeingupsetandyousay:
“Gail,youknowthatIthinkyouarefabulousandyouaredoinganamazingjob.Well,thereisnoeasywaytotellyouthis:Lisafromheadofficehasdecidedtomovetoourregionand,givenherexperienceandseniority,shewantstotakethepositionyouwereapplyingfor.Ihadnowayofknowingthatthiswouldhappenanditisreallyoutofmycontrol.Iknowthattherewillbemanyopportunitiesforsomebodywithyourtalent.Maybewecanworkonyourperformanceplanandgoalsettingsothatyouwillbereadywhenmoreopportunitiescome.Ijustthinkyouaresogreat.TobehonestIdon’tthinkthereisanyreasontobeupset;Ibet
somethingevenbetterisjustaroundthecorner!”
Ugh!Now,Gailmaybeacrier,butshe’snodummyandthismessageisnotthestraightgoods.Yourfeebleattempttopreserveyourimageas“thegoodguy”willshinethroughandallitdoesisundermineyourrelationshipwithGail.Themessagejustdoesn’tcomeacrossasgenuine.Bycontrast,thefollowingmessagedoesabetterjobatdeliveringatoughmessage:
“Gail,thereisnoeasywaytosaythis.Youdidnotgetthepromotionyouwere
hopingfor.Lisafromheadofficehasdecidedtomovetoourregionandshehasbeengiventheposition.Ihadnoideathatthiswasapossibility.Iapologize.Thismustbetoughnews.”STOPTALKING.(Letthemessagesinkin.)
YoucantalkaboutGail’sfutureopportunitiesatalatertime.Rightnowshejustneedstoprocessthethenews,newsthatreallycan’tbesugarcoated-soitisbestnottotry.
2.Youcan’tchangeanyone.
Ifyourgoalistomaketheotherpersonchange,forgetit.Peoplewillonlychangewhenandiftheywantto.Iftheyaretoldsomethingiswrongwiththem,theydigtheirheelsinandgoonthedefensiveimmediately.Thinkaboutthelasttimesomeonetriedtomakeyouchange:Whatwasyourreaction?Didyouacceptthecriticismwithopenarmsorputupafight(inwardlyifnotoutwardly)?Probably,youwerenotoverlyaccommodating.Itsimplyisnotrealistictoexpectthetargetofyourdiscontenttorolloverandchangejustbecauseyouasked.Youwillgetbetterresultswithamorerealisticapproach.
Justtobeclearhere:knowingyoucannotchangesomebodydoesnotmeanthatyouhavetoputupwithpoorbehaviororperformance.Itmeansthatyouhavetoletpeopleknowyourconcernsaswellasyourexpectations,andthenleaveituptothemtodecidewhattheydowiththeinformation.Youarecomingfromtheperspectiveof“theydeservetoknow”and,whileyoucan’tcontrolanyone,youcancontrolhowyoudeliverthemessageanddevelopabackupplanforiftheconversationgoessouroryoudon’tgetanycooperationfromtheotherperson.
Hereisaprettyubiquitousscenario:Imaginethatyourdisorganizedboss,Dennis,lovestoholdimpromptumeetingsattheendoftheday,whichinevitablymakesyoumissyourlastconnectingbushome.Naturally,therearetimeswhenweallwishwecouldchangeourbossandsecretly,yourgoalmaybethatDennismagicallytransformsintoamoreorganized,morethoughtfulboss-butweknowit’snotgoingtohappen,right?
Insteadofthis:
“Dennis,youareagreatbossandIloveworkingwithyou.Ijustwishthatyouwouldbealittlemoreorganized;itwouldbereallyhelpfultome.Idon’tminddoingtheextraworkbutifyoucouldjustthinkaboutwhathastogetdone
earlierintheday,thatwouldreallybegreat.”
Don’texpectalotofchangeifyousaysomethinglikethisbecauseyouhaven’tbeenclearaboutyourexpectationsorconcernsregardingDennis’disorganization.Whatisinyourcontrolistosharetheimpactofhisactionsonyouandinformhimofyourplans.
Trysayingthisinstead:
“Dennis,IwantedtoletyouknowthatIwillbeleavingtheofficenolaterthan5:00pminordertocatchmylastconnectingbushome.Ifyouwouldliketohaveameetingwithme,itneedstobeconcludedbythattimeasIamnolongerable
tostaylate.”STOPTALKING(oryourisksabotagingyourmessage).
Now,youcan’tforceDennistoseethingsyourway,butthekeyhereisthatwhenyoucommunicateaboundaryorexpectation,itisabsolutelyessentialthatyoufollowthroughonit.Otherwise,theimpactofyourconversationwillgetthrownoutthewindow.
3.Puttingsomeonedownisnottherighttack.
IworkedonaninterestingcasemanyyearsagounderthetutelageofaseniorlawyerIwillcall“HarvtheHumiliator.”Iwasayounglawyerandstilllearning,butIworkedhard,wasverydiligentandtookmyworkveryseriously.Asweapproachedthetrialdate,weenteredintosettlementnegotiations,asisoftenthecase,andeventuallythecasesettledoutofcourt.Asthejuniorlawyeronthefile(a.k.a.thegopher),Ididalloftheresearchandotheruninterestingtasks.Afterthecasesettled,Harvcalledmeintohisofficeforadebriefandstartedtoquestionmeonmyresearchforthecase.Tomyembarrassment,theconversationwentsomethinglikethis:
Harv:Diane,youdidtheresearchonthecase,right?
Me:Yes.
MyInsideVoice:Uhoh,whattheheckisgoingonhere?Whywouldheevenaskmeaquestionlikethat?
Harv:Canyoutellmeifyoulookedatalloftherelevantcases?
Me:Yes,Idid.
MyInsideVoice:DidIdosomethingwrong?Whyishedoingthisnow?
Harv:Icanassumeyoulookedupcaseswithsimilarinjuriestothiscomplainant.Isthatcorrect?
Me:Yes.
MyInsideVoice:Ohman,whatdidImiss?Thisdoesnotsoundgood!
Harvthenpulledoutabookofcasesfromhisshelf,flippedtoapreviouslymarkedpageandsaid,“Didyouhappentofindthiscase,Diane?”
Bythispoint,myfacewasallredandhot;IwassoscrambledthatIquicklylookedoverthepagesinfrontofmeandsaidquietly,“Idon’tthinkso.”
Myinsidevoicewasscreaming,“Whatajerk!Thiscaseisn’trelevantanyway!”Ofcourse,Iwasfeelingdefensivebecausehehadjustquestionedmycompetencebigtime.
ThenHarvsaid,“Well,opposingcounselthinksthisisanimportantcase.Itshouldhavebeenincludedinyourresearch,ifyouhadmanagedtofindit.”Justlikethat,Iwasdismissedlikeapoorlypreparedschoolgirl.
Iwashumiliatedandtalkedtoanyonewhowouldlistenabouthowmisguided,arrogantandcondescendingHarvwas.Idugmyheelsinabouthowwronghewasand,ofcourse,howrightIwas.Myresearchwassound;hedidn’thavehisfactsstraight.Ireviewedthecaseanditwasnotrelevant.Theotherlawyerwastheonewhomessedup,notme!Theresult?IlearnednothingandHarvwasnow“difficult”inmybooks.
AsIreflectbackmanyyearslater,IthinkmaybeHarvhadsomevalidconcernsabouthowIhadapproachedmyresearch.Theproblemwashowhebroachedit.Ifhisgoalfortheconversationwastohumiliateme,thenhesucceeded.Ifhisgoalwastohavemespendtime(hewaspayingmeafterall)tocomplainabouthimbehindhisback,thenhedefinitelysucceededthere!IfhisgoalwastofindouthowIwentaboutmyresearchtoidentifygapsinmyprocessandgivemeanopportunitytolearnforthefuture,thenhefailedmiserably.
IfIHadaDo-Over...
Okay,wecan’tchangeothers.Wecanonlychangeourselvesandthat,my
friends,isnoeasytask.IremindmyselfthatImayseemyselfwithlotsofgreyhairbeforeIseeotherpeoplechangeso,ifIwantaction,Ineedtotakeactionmyself.Atthatearlierstageinmylifeandmycareer,Ichosethe“avoid-complain”option,whichwasnotproductiveforanyoneinvolved,especiallysinceIcaredalotaboutmyreputationasaconscientiousworker.ToobadIdidn’tknowaboutthetwo-minutewhinerulebackthenbecause,asyoucaneasilyguess,Ididalotofwhiningbutnothingwasactuallyresolved.
“Whenyoucan’tchangethedirectionofthewind,adjustyoursails.”
-H.JacksonBrownJr.[xii]
So,whatcouldIhavedone?Afterthemeeting,Ishouldhavetakenabitoftimetocooloffandengageinatwo-minutewhinewithabuddy.(Remember,twominutesofcomplainingandthendevelopanactionplantodealwiththeissue.)ThenIshouldhavepreparedmyselfforaconversationwithHarvtolethimknowhowhisbehaviorhadaffectedme.Stepone:ignoremywhininginsidevoicenatteringawayabouthisarroganceandrudeness.Steptwo:stiflemyassumptions,“hot”languageandjudgmentsaboutmybossbecausetheycertainlywouldn’timproveourworkingrelationship.Stepthree:lethimknowhowhisbehaviorhadaffectedme.Mygoalsintalkingtohimcouldhavebeentolethimknow(a)thatIwasembarrassedbyhowhehadspokentomeaboutmyworkonthefileand(b)thatIcareaboutdoingagoodjobandtakeconcernsorcriticismsaboutmyworkseriously.
Icouldhavesaidsomethinglikethis:
“Iwaswonderingifwecouldtalkaboutthemeetingwehadtheotherday.Whenyoucalledmeintoyouroffice,askedmeanumberofquestionsaboutmy
researchandthenpulledthecaseofftheshelfandaskedmeifIhadseenit,Iwastakenaback.IhadthesensethatyouthoughtIreallymessedup.Iamnotsurewhatyourintentionswere,butIfelthumiliated.IneedyoutoknowthatItakemyworkseriouslyandIhavealotofprideinwhatIdo.Couldwetalk
aboutanysuggestionsyouhaveabouthowIshouldbegoingaboutmyresearchtomakesurethatIamdoingwhatisnecessary?STOPTALKING(timetolisten).
LaterIcouldhavestatedmyviewsontherelevanceofthecase.Thiswasnotthetime;doingsowouldhaveonlygottenHarv’sbackup.
Thebottomline:Ifyour“realgoal”isanunproductiveone,suchasputtingsomeonedownortryingtohumiliatethem,yourconversationwillinevitablybackfire.Alsokeepinmindthatitdoesnotmatterwhichsideoftheconflictyouareon;youhavemorepowerthanyouthinkandyoucanusetheconversationtoolsinthisbooktogetwhatyouneedintheworkplace.Don’twaitforotherstochange.Takechargeanddon’tmissanopportunityto“cleartheair.”Straightforwardandhonestisalwaysbest.
TopToolstoRecall:ResistingUnproductiveGoals
-Ifyourgoalistochangesomeone,proveyouareright,makethem“seethelight,”preventthemfrombeingupset,preserveyourownimageormakeadig,theconversationisnotgoingtogowell.-Makesurethatyourgoalisactuallyproductiveandnotaboutprotectingyourownegoorsomeoneelse’s.-Evenifyoustifleunproductivegoalsforatime,theywilleventuallyleakoutinyourbodylanguageorwithsomeunkindquipanditwillbackfire!Haveanhonesttalkwithyourselfsothatyoucanletgoofanyhiddenagendasandunproductivegoalsthatrisksabotagingyourrealgoalforyourtoughtalk.
Congratulations!Nowyouknowwhatyouneedtodotoprepareforatoughconversation:youhavenaileddowntheissueandhammeredoutyourgoal.Youhavelearnedthatavoidingtheconversationwilljustcreatestressandsleeplessnights,butnotgiveyouanoutcomeyouactuallywant.
Allright,soyouaredeterminedtohavethisconversation,butyouarewondering,“Yeah,buthowamIactuallygoingtosayit?”Comingupnextaresomeveryimportanttoolstogiveyoutheconfidenceyouneed.Iffeariswhathasbeenholdingyouback,getreadytolosethatexcuse,too!Youareabouttoempoweryourselftocommunicatewithclarity.Let’sgo!
Step2:DesignandDeliverYour“ABCMessage”
Chapter6:DesigningYourABCMessage
Chapter7:DeliveringYourABCMessage
Chapter6:DesigningYourABCMessage
Chapterhighlights:
-Accurate:Sticktothefacts,use“I”statementsandavoid“hot,”judgmentallanguage.
-Brief:Lessismore-deliveryourmessagein30secondsorless.
-Clear:Getstraighttotheheartofthematter.
Nowwearegettingtothemeatandpotatoesofthebook-creatingtherightmessage.Youwanttocraftmessagesthatareaccurate,briefandclear-yourABCmessage-andthosemessagesshoulddescribewhatyousaw,heardandexperienced.Itisaboutgivingpeoplethestraightgoodsinawaythatisrespectfulandnonjudgmental.RememberhowScottietalkedtomeaboutmybehaviorwhenIwasgettingalaughatsomeoneelse’sexpense?Hedidn’tsay,“Diane,youaresorude!”or“Diane,Ican’tbelievehowdisrespectfulyouare,”or“Diane,youaretotallyoutofline.”InsteadhesaidthathewasuncomfortablewithwhatIhadsaid.Thereisabigdifferencebecausehemadehismessageabouthimratherthanitbeingaboutcriticizingme.
“Iampreparedtogoanywhere,provideditbeforward.”
-DavidLivingstone[xiii]
TheotherelementofagoodABCmessageisthatpeoplewouldratherhavethestraightgoodsthanhaveyou“spin”thingsoravoidissuesaltogether.Theyalsowanttohearyourmessagenow,notayearfromnowwhenmemorieshavefaded.Theydonotwanttotryandinterpretitorfigureoutwhatyourpointisbecauseitwasburiedinthemiddleofalong-windedandconfusingspeech.Thereisnothingworsefortheotherpersonthanexpectingtheaxtofallandthen,bytheendofyourmessage,notevenbeingsureofwhatyouweretryingtosay.
ALittleInspiration
WhenIfirststartedtryingtoimprovemycommunicationskills,Ifeltreallyapprehensiveanduncomfortable,soIwrotedownaformulaformymessages
thatScottiehadsharedwithme.[xiv]
Itwentlikethis:
IFEEL…(insertfeeling)WHENYOU…(insertfact)BECAUSE…(insertreason)
IsharedthisformulawithmyfamilyandcolleaguesandsoonwewereallpracticingScottie’sformulaoneachother.Theonlyproblemwasthatformeitwentsomethinglikethis:Ifeltembarrassed(check!)whenyoutoldmemyworkwasbelowstandard(check!)becauseyouareanarrogantknow-it-allwhodidn’ttakethetimetoappreciatemyhardwork(oops!).Youcanseewherethiswentofftherails:the“because”wasfollowedbyjudgmentorblame.Throughmuchtrialanderror,Ihavelearnedtobeabletodelivermymessagegenuinelywithoutaformulainhandbecause,let’sfaceit,noformulaworksforeverysituation(althoughitcancertainlyhelpyougetstarted).ItakeownershipofthestatementsImakeandIdonotassumebadintentionsonthepartoftheotherperson(atleastonmygooddays!).Remembertoresistthetemptationtoputtheotherpersondown;yourresultswillalwaysbebetterwhenyoutakethehighroad.
NowIcansay:
“IfeltembarrassedwhenyoutoldmemyreportwasbelowstandardbecauseItakeprideinmyworkanditisimportanttomethatitiswelldone.Canwetalk
aboutwhatwasmissingfromyourperspective?”
Muchbetter!Infact,Igivemyselfagreatbiggoldstarforthatmessage!ThedifferenceisthatIamtakingownershipofmyreason(“Itakeprideinmywork”)versusblamingtheotherpersonformyembarrassment(“youareanarrogantknow-it-all”).AndI’mtellingyou,ifthereishopeforme,thereishopeforeveryone!Craftingyourmessagedoesnothavetofeelimpossible,onceyouknowyour“ABCs.”
NutsandBoltsoftheABCMethod
“A”isfor“Accurate”
Messagesshouldbeaccurate.Thatmeansnoexaggeration!Youarenotwritingathriller,creatingasoapoperaordevelopingaBroadwayplay.Yourreallifedramahasalloftheexcitementyouneed,trustme.Beabsolutelyclearinyourownmindwhatso-called“facts”andfeelingsareassociatedwithyoursubjective,judgmentalandtemperamentalinsidevoice.Youhavealreadyhadthisdiscussiononcewiththatnatteringvoiceinyourheadwhenyouidentifiedtherealissue,sobecarefulnottoletyourinsidevoicebecomeyouroutsidevoicewhenitcomestimetoactuallyspeaktotheotherperson.
Hereisyour“A”toolkit:
1.Sticktothefacts.
Rememberyourassumptions,interpretationsandjudgmentsarenotfacts,evenifeveryoneagreeswithyou.Youhavetonegotiatewithyourjudgmental,know-it-allinsidevoicesoyoucanseparatefactfromfiction.IlovethisexamplethatIuseinmyworkshops:Iaskthegroup,“IsitafactthatRogerFedererisagreattennisplayer?”Theanswerisalmostalwaysaresounding“yes”-butthenagain,whatdoes“great”meananyway?AfactualstatementisthatRogerFedererhaswon17GrandSlams(atleastthatwasthecasewhenIwrotethisbook),but“great”isasubjectivedescriptionofRogerFederer,asopposedtobeingatruefact.
Welovetostateouropinionsasfacts,butsayingsomethingisafactdoesnotmakeitso,eveniflotsofpeopleagreewithus.Factualstatementsmay
soundlikethis:
-Jackarrivedbetweenfiveandtenminuteslateforourlastthreemeetings(asopposedto:“Jackmustneedanewwatchbecauseheisneverontime”).
-Jenniferdidnotmeetservicestandardsthisweek(insteadof:“Jennifermustnotcareaboutherclientsatall;shealwayskeepsthemwaiting”).
-Suzyhascalledinsick10timesthismonth(versus:“Gee,Suzyisillagain?Whatasurprise!Sheobviouslydoesnottakeherjobveryseriously”).
Duringoneofmyworkshops,aparticipantwaspreparingforatoughconversation.Shewastryingtolookatthefactsandtoldme,“Okay,thefactisthatheisdifficult.”Shewasgenuinelyconvincedthatthiswasanaccurateandfactualstatement.Butwasit?Notatall.Statementslikethesearesubjectiveanddon’tgettotheheartofthematter.
Iaskedher,“Whatdidthispersonactuallydothatledyoutotheconclusionthatheisdifficult?”
Shewasemphaticandrepeated,“Heisjustdifficultandeveryoneknowsit.”Now,inhermind,shehadbackedupthat“fact”withtheevidencethat“everyoneknowsit,”whichgaveherconfidencethatshewasrightandIjustdidn’tgetit.Buthowcanshehaveaproductiveconversationwhentheonly“fact”shecanofferisgoingtogetthisguy’sbackup?
Sowhatwouldbeastatementbasedonfact?Howabout:“IfinditverydifficulttoworkwithJohnbecauseheoftenchangeshismindaboutthedirectionontheproject,forexamplelastweekwhenhe...”Nowthatdeservesagoldstar!
2.Use“I”statementswheneverpossible.
“Ithink,”“Iam,”“Iwant,”“Ibelieve,”“Ineed”and“Ifeel”canallmakegoodstartstogreat“I”statements.Hereareafewexamplesforyou:
-Ithinkitisimportantforeveryonetohaveanopportunitytobeheard.IwouldliketogiveJamestheopportunitytofinishsharinghisideas.
-Iamconcernedabouttakingthatpositionwiththeclient.
-Iwanteveryonetopresentattheupcomingconference.
-Ibelieveweneedtolookatsomeotheroptionsheretomakethebestandmostinformeddecision.
-Ineedtohaveeveryoneonboardwiththischangeinitiative.
-IfeltupsetwhenyoutoldTomaboutourdisagreement.Ithoughtthatthematterwasprivate.
Using“I”statementsallowsyoutoshareyouropinionsandfeelings,butitisimportantthatyouuse“I”statementsresponsibly.Weoftensay“Ifeel”inbroadsweepingstatementsthatreallyhavenothingtodowithfeelings.
Forexample:
-Ifeelitisinappropriatetosendtextmessagesinmeetings.
-Ifeellikeyoudon’tcareaboutmydevelopmentinmyroleassupervisor.
-Ifeelyouareajerk.
-Ifeelyoudon’tappreciateanythingIdoforyou.
Statementssuchastheseareassumptionsandjudgmentshiddenin“I”statements.Theyarealsofullofjudgmentallanguageandassumenegativeintentionsonthepartofothers.Thesekindsofcommentswillcertainlynotgetyouwhereyouwanttogoandmayevenraiseacriticaleyebrowortwoiftheyslipoutinfrontofotherpeople.
Ifyouusethephrase“Ifeel,”makesurethatarealfeelingfollows.Ourrepertoireforcritical,judgmentalandblaminglanguageisgenerallymuchmoredevelopedandrefinedthanourvocabularyoffeelings.Youmayhavetoworkatfinding“feeling”languagebeyondthetypicalangry,upset,hurt,happyvariety.Onewaytoavoidusing“Ifeel”inappropriatelyistoreplaceitwith“Iam,”suchas“Iamconcerned,”“Iamannoyed,”“Iamupset,”“Iamworried,”etc.
3.Putjudgmentaltermsasidebecause,sadly,theyarenotfacts.
Contrastthestatementsbelowwiththeonesthatfollow.
Insteadofthis:
-Itisrudetogossip.
-Itisinappropriatetotalkaboutyoursexlifeatwork.
-Itisdisrespectfultobelateallthetime.
-Yourbehaviorattheclientlunchwasunprofessional.
...Saythis:
-IamnotcomfortabletalkingaboutElizabethwhensheisnotpresent.
-Iamnotcomfortablewhenyoutalkaboutyoursexlifewithme.
-Iamfrustratedwhenyouarrivelatetoourbrainstormingsessionsbecauseitwasteseveryoneelse’stime.
-Iamnotsureifyouareawarethatyouinterruptedtheclientonanumberofoccasionsatourlunchmeeting.
Muchofour“hot”andjudgmentallanguagerelatestohowweseetheworld,asopposedtohowthingsactuallyare.Yourworldviewmaydifferfromanotherperson’s,whichiswhyifyoupresentyourworldviewastheconsummatetruthorthe“right”waytoseethings,theotherpersonmayfeellikeyouarequestioninghisorhervaluesorcharacter.Itisonlyamatteroftimebeforetheotherperson’sbackisup,whichwillinevitablysendyourconversationsideways.
4.Sharetheimpactofhisorheractionswithoutassumingbadintentionsonthepartoftheotherperson.
Howcanyoudothat?Takealookatthefollowingsentences:
-Whenyoutextduringclientbriefings,Iamconcerneditsendsthemessagethatyouaren’tinterestedinyourclientsorwhatwearediscussing.
-Whenyouraisedyourvoiceinthemeetingyesterday,Inoticedthatpeoplestoppedparticipatinginthediscussion.Ibelieveitcreatedtensionintheroom.
-Ifeltembarrassedwhenyoucalledmeaprimadonnainfrontofthestaff.
Althoughitcanbetempting,ifyouassumenegativeintentions,chancesaretheotherpersonwillresponddefensivelyandfightyoutoothandnail.Imaginebeingonthereceivingendofcommentslikethese:
-Itisjustlikeyoutospeaktomelikethat.Youlovetohumiliateotherstomakeyourselffeelbetter.
-Ifyouweremoreconscientious,youwouldplanyourtimemoreconsiderately.
-Ifyoucaredaboutanyoneotherthanyourself,you’dcleanupyourmessinthelunchroom.
Howcouldyourewordthesecommentssothattheycouldcontributetoamoreproductiveconversation?
-IfeltmortifiedinourmeetingwhenyoutoldmethatInevercontributeanyworthwhileideastotheteam.
-Iwouldliketotalktoyouabouthowyouplanyourdaysowecanensureyourproductionsgoalsaremet.
-Inoticedthatyouleftyourdishesonthecounterinthestaffroom.Wouldyoupleaseputyourdishesawaywhenyouarefinished?
5.Skiptheblamegame.
Ifyouhaveeverhadachildruninfromplayingintheyardscreechingthatherbigbrotherjustpulledherponytail,youknowhowone-sidedtheblamegamecanbe(oratleastsound).Evenasadults,welovetochildishlyblameothersfortheiractions,theirbehaviorandtheirbadintentions.However,evenifthereisakerneloftruthinwhatyouaresaying,thefactthatyourmessageiscloakedinblaminglanguagemakesitveryunlikelythatyouwillbeheard.
Blaminglanguageoftenstartswiththeword“you.”Iamnotsayingthatitisnecessarytoextricatetheword“you”fromyourvocabulary,butyoudoneedtobecarefulabouthowyouusethatwordinordertoavoidsoundinglikeyouareblamingtheotherperson.Remember,evenifyoufeellikeblamingtheotherperson,allyouwillaccomplishbyblamingisputtingawallupbetweenthetwoofyou,whichwillnothelpyouimproveyoursituationintheworkplace.
Insteadofthis:
-Youareirresponsible.Youpromisedyouwouldpickmeupattheairportandyoudidn’t.
-Youaretotallydisorganized.Youleftapatientsittinginthewaitingroom
foroveranhour.Whatwereyouthinking?
-It’syourfaultthatthefilewasmisplaced.Youreallyneedtobemoreontopofthings.
-Whyareyousolazy?Iamsickofpickingupyourslack.
Noneofthestatementsabovewillleadtoasuccessfulconversationorasmoothworkingrelationship.Tomakesureyourmessageisheard,doyourbesttoavoidblaminglanguage.
...Trysayingthis:
-Iwasdisappointedthatyouwerenotattheairporttopickmeup.Nexttime,ifthereisaproblem,canyouletmeknowinadvancesoIcanmakeotherarrangements?
-Let’stalkaboutwhatkindofplanwecanputinplacetoensurepatientsareseeninatimelymanner.
-Fileshavegonemissingthreetimesthisweek.Canwetalkaboutthesystemthatyouareusingsowecantrytopreventthisfromhappeningagain?
-Yourlastfourassignmentshavebeenlate.Canwetalkaboutthis?
6.Letthetruthstandanddon’texaggerateorembellishit.
Removethesewordsfromyourvocabularyasmuchasyoupossiblycan:
-Never(e.g.“Youneverpitchinwhenthingsgetbusy.”)
-Always(e.g.“Youalwaysdisappearwhendifficultpeoplecometothecounter.”)
-Nothing(e.g.“NothingisasimportanttoyouasthatiPhone.”)
-Everything(e.g.“Youmesseverythingup,”or“Everythingyousayisridiculous.”)
Eachoneofthesestatementsisgoingtoleadtounproductivewastedhoursbecauseyourmessagehascreatedtheperfectconditionsfortheotherpersontotrytoconvinceyouthatwhatyouaresayingisnotvalid.Restassuredthattheperson’smemorywillbecrystalclearabouteachandeveryexceptiontoyour
sweepinggeneralization.Itreallyisbesttoavoidthewordsaboveifyoudon’twantyourtalktogofrom“toughconversation”to“giantargument.”
Insteadofthis:
-Youneverhelptidythewaitingroomattheendoftheday.
...Saythis:
-Ihavenoticedthatthreetimesinthelastweekyouhavenothelpedtidyupthewaitingareaattheendoftheday.
Rememberthattheideaistoaddresstheactualissuewithoutcloudingyourconversationswithblame.
“Themoreyousay,thelesspeopleremember.Thefewerthewords,thegreatertheprofit.”
-FrançoisFénelon[xv]
“B”isfor“Brief”
ThenextpartofyourABCmessageisthe“B:”messagesneedtobebriefifwewantthemtobeheard.Remember,youarenotwritinganovel,youarenotanauctioneerandyouarenotbeingpaidbytheword...sotherereallyisnoincentivetoblatheron.Wetendtooverwhelmpeoplewithtoomuchinformation,whichobscuresourmessage,sokeepitsimpleandbrief.Lessismore.
Deliverashort,powerfulmessage;30secondsorlessisidealandifittakes2minutes,itiswaytoolong.Beingsuccinctshowsthatyouareconfident;plus,theotherpersonismorelikelytohearyourmessageifitisnotdrownedoutinaseaofwords.
Hereisyour“B”toolkit:
1.Decidewhatismostimportantandleaveitatthat.
Don’trecitealitanyofcentury-oldcomplaints-talkaboutonlyonetopicorissue.WheneverIamtemptedtodredgeupoldissues,Iremindmyselfofhowirritatingitiswhensomeonedoesthattomeandthatisusuallyenoughformeto
zipit(mostofthetimeanyway!).Plus,bringingupage-oldissuesonlyinvitestheotherpersontodothesame,whichmeansyourdifficultconversationcouldquicklydegenerateintoafull-blownwar.Bethebiggerpersonandsticktotheissueathand.
Ifyoudealwithissuesastheyarise,ratherthanlettingthembuildandfester,youwon’thavetoworryaboutalaundrylistofcomplaintstotackledowntheroad.Avoidingordelayingimportantconversationsisproblematicbecausewhenyoudofinallyspeakup,youwillundoubtedlysaywaytoomuch.
Wedon’twantourmessagestosoundlikethis:
“Well,Doug,IguessIhavesomeconcernsaboutyourperformanceandyourabilitytocompleteassignmentsontime.Thequalityofyourworkissometimeskindofanissuebecauseyouseemtobemissingsomekeysteps...butmaybeif
youmademoreofanefforttogetalongwithyourcoworkers...”
Ithinkyouareprobablygettingthepicture.Ithinkbacktothemanyperformancereviewsovermycareer...youknow,thosereviewsthatareheldannuallyandallofasuddenyouareexpectedtoremembereverylittleincidentoverthepastyear.Youhavenothadfeedbackuntilperformancereviewtimeandyoudonotevenremembertheissuethattherevieweristalkingabout.Ithappened10monthsearlierandnoonesaidanythingthen,sohowbadcouldithavebeen?Maybetheyhaveyouconfusedwithsomebodyelse.
Mypointisthatbystickingwithwhatismostimportant,youwillgiveyourconversationfocusandavoidgettingsidetrackedbyoldissuesthatdonotrelatetotheissueathand.Ifyoudogetcaughtuponoldissues,yourisknotbeingtakenseriouslyandmakingtheotherpersonfeelattackedandbombarded,whichisonlygoingtoundermineyourcredibilityandpotentiallystartabigfight.Chooseyourmostimportantissueandfocusyourconversationonthat.
2.Avoidlengthyexplanationsorjustifications.
Weoftenthinkthatweneedtogoonandontoexplainourdecisionorourperspective.Youaren’talawyer(orevenifyouare);refrainfromgoingonandonlikeyouaremakingclosingremarksinacourtroom.Yourjobatthismomentistocreateanaccurate,briefandclearmessage.Cutthebaloneyandstoptryingtocreateamessagethatwillgettheotherpersontoseethingsfromyourperspectivebyusingthird-partyagreement(like:“StanandAmyandRebecca
allagreewithme!”),studies(suchas:“Researchshowsthatyouaremorelikelytobehappieratworkifyoudon’tprocrastinate”)orotherreasoning.Allthiswilldoistounderminethepowerofyourmessage,nottomentionitwillexhausttheotherpersonandgivehimorhermorepointstoargue(suchas:“Well,StevenandGregagreewithme!”or“I’mactuallyhappyatwork;Imustnotbeprocrastinatingasmuchasyouthought!”).Notgood.
Ifyoulaunchyourselfinto“convincemode,”youwillonlysucceedinlookingdesperateandunsureofyourself.Ithinkwehaveallbeenonthereceivingendofthesetypesofunendingandunbearableconversations.Itisfarbettertostateyourpointwithconfidenceandbrevity;yougetyourmessageacrosswithoutgoingoverboardwithunimportantdetails,whichcanmuddythewatersandobscureyourmessage.
“C”isfor“Clear”
Whenyourmessageisclear,itpavesthewaytoaproductiveconversation.Clearmessagesarelikeaperfectlycleanedwindow:whatyouseeoutofthemistherealthing.Saywhatyoumeananddon’tflounderaroundusingimportant-soundingtermsorfakeandflowerylanguage.Theotherpersonwillnotappreciatetheseattemptsatsofteningthebadnewsandyoureffortswillbackfire.
Also,donotattempttodrophintsinsteadofhavinganactualconversation;I’mtellingyou,thosehintswillnotbecaught.Peopletendtoseethingsastheywantthemtobe,soifyouhopetomakearealchangeintheworkplace,youhavetoskipthe“subtleclueapproach”andtackletheissuewithstraightforwardandclearlanguage.Thecleareryouare,themorequicklytheconversationyouhavebeendreadingwillbeover.
Hereisyour“C”toolkit:
1.Getstraighttotheissue.
Avoidtryingtoburyyourmessage;you’rekiddingyourselfifyouthinkthatpeopledon’tseethroughyouwhenyoutrytohideyourissuesinlessunpleasanttopics.Whenyoutrytohideyourmessage,theotherpersonisjustwaitingfortheothershoetodrop.Allyouaredoingisprolongingtheagonyforbothparties.
Herearesomeexamplesofburiedmessages:
-So,Ray,how’syourmotherdoingsinceyourdaddied?Isshestillgolfing?Oh,hey,bytheway,we’reunfortunatelygoingtohavetoletyougo-cutbacksfromheadoffice.
-Hey,Sarah–greattoseeyouback.Howwasthecottage?Youlooklikeyougotsomesun!Hopefullyyouwereusingagood,strongsunscreen.Oh,thepromotion?Right...well,wehadtopassyouoverandgiveittoJenny.
-Youknow,Kendra,we’vesoappreciatedyourworkethicandyoursenseofhumoraroundhere.Infact,eventhecleaningladycommentsonyoursmileandreadinesstopitchin.Youwillbeabletogoanywherewithapersonalitylikethat–it’ssimplyamazing.And,uh,speakingof“anywhere,”didyouhearthatthecompanyisoutsourcingyourentiredepartmentoverseas?
Intheexamplesabove,thetensionispalpablerightawaydespitethefactthatthebadnewsdoesnotcomeuntillateron.Ifyouhaveeverbeenapartofoneoftheseconversations,youknowthatitdoesn’tmatterwhetheryou’reonthegivingendorthereceivingend-theystillfeelawkwardandterrible.Bygettingstraighttotheissueandchoosingnottoburyyourmessage,youwillultimatelyjustgettheagonyoverwithmorequickly.
2.Givediplomacyarest.
Thediplomaticapproachisallabouttryingtocushiontheblow,sowefoolishlycensorourlanguagetothepointwherenoonecouldpossiblyunderstandwhatitiswearetryingtosay.Ifyouhaveevertriedtotalktoabankthatisturningdownyourloanrequest,thenyouknowwhatIamtalkingabout.Remember:hopingnottooffendtheotherpersonisnotaproductivegoal,evenifitisa“nice”one.Thereasonwewanttoavoidtoughconversationsislargelybecauseweareafraidoftheotherperson’sreaction-otherwise,itwouldn’tbeaverytoughconversation,now,wouldit?Butifyouknowit’sgoingtobeadifficulttalk,thenit’sbettertojustsaywhatyouneedtosayandnotcensoryourselftothepointofnotbeingunderstood.Whenweavoidbeingclearforthesakeofdiplomacy,theintegrityofthemessagesuffersandweruntheriskofeitherprolongingthepaininthatconversationorbeingforcedtohavemultipleconversationstogetourpointacross-andnobodywantsthat.
Here’sanexampletomullover:whatdoyouthinkthefollowingmightmean?
“So,Marianne,thedepartmenthasmadeadecisiontorevamptheorganizationalchartacrosstheboard.Positionswillunfortunatelybeeliminatedormovedbutnoonehastoworry,thereshouldn’tbeanyjobloss.Thisshouldbe
afairlysimpleprocess.”
Hmm.Definitelynotaclearstatement.Positionseliminatedbutnojobloss?DotheythinkMarianneisstupid?Thisbossneedstogetrealandsaywhathereallymeans.
Hereishowthestraightgoodsmightsound.Nodiplomacyhere,butasolid,clearmessage:
“Marianne,Iwantedtoletyouknowthedepartmentisreorganizingandpositionswillbeeliminated.Wewilldoourbesttolimitjoblossthrough
attritionandwe’llworktogethertofindopportunitiesinotherdepartments.Thisisunfortunatelygoingtobeachallengingtimeforeveryone.”
Muchbetterandmorehonest!
Butforthoseofyouwhoaresayingtothemselves,“Butthesecondmessagesoundsterrible!Marianneisgoingtobemoreupsetbythatversion!”well,you’reprobablyright.Unfortunately,therealityisthatdownsizingisnothappynews,sothereisnopointintryingtomakeitsoundlikehappynews.Mariannemaybeupsetbythesecondmessage,butshewouldbeconfusedbythefirst-anditisalwaysbettertobeupsetbutclearaboutwhat’sgoingonthantobeconfusedandholdfalsehopethatmaybenothingbadwillhappen.
Remember,onceallthatwafflingstarts,it’seasytocomeacrossasinsincereandmeanwhile,yourmessagegetslostintheshuffle.Evenifyourdiplomacyiswellintended,assoonasitcompromisestheclarityofyourmessage,youhaveaseriousproblemonyourhands.
3.Avoidthefeedbacksandwich.
Youknowhowpeopletendtopackagebadorsadnewsbetweenslicesofgoodnewsorflattery?That’safeedbacksandwich.Doesthefollowingfeedbacksandwichsoundlikegoodcommunicationtoyou?
“Well,yourfatherdidverywellduringsurgery.Unfortunately,hecodedinthe
recoveryroomandwelosthim.Thegoodnewsisthatmanyofhisorgansareveryhealthy.Wouldyouliketodonatethemtohelpoutothers?”
Ididn’tthinkso.
Now,itcanbearguedthatthereisaplaceforthefeedbacksandwichinsometypesofconversations,butthesekindsoftoughtalksdonotmakethecut.Don’ttrytohideyournewsinfar-reachingpositives;allthatwilldoismakeyoulooklikeajerkwhodoesnotappreciatehowdifficultthesubjectinquestionisfortheotherperson.
4.Avoidblamingothers.
Blamingothersmakesyoulooklikeaselloutoratattletaleandpeoplealwaysseethroughitimmediately.
Considerthiscringe-worthyexample:
“So,Gregory,IwantyoutoknowthatIreallyputinagoodwordforyouregardingthespecialproject,butthedirectorhadalreadydecidedtogiveittohisnephew.IdidwhatIcould,buthepulledrankonme.Ifithadbeenuptome,thejobwouldhavebeenyours.Sorry,butyoucan’tshootthemessenger,right?”
“Sure,thatguysoundslikeadope,”youmightbesaying,“butwhatifthesituationathandreallyisn’tmyfault?”Evenifthenewsisn’tyourfault,youwon’tgainanythingbytryingtomakeitsoundasifsomeoneelseistoblame.Bethebiggerpersonanddon’tlaytheblameonsomebodyelse.Instead,takeownershipofyournews.
5.Avoidthe“wolfinsheep’sclothing.”
A“wolfinsheep’sclothing”statementiswhenyousaysomethingthatattemptstobediplomaticbutcomesacrossasanattack,criticismorjudgmentontheotherperson.Checkthisout:
“Diane,Idon’thaveanissuewithchangingplans.Ijustthinkweneedtocommunicatehonestlywitheachotheraboutthereasonforthechange.”
Hmm.DidyoupickupontheimplicationthatIambeingdishonestaboutsomething?Somebodydidactuallysaythistomeonce,soIcantellyou
firsthandthatIfeltslightedanddefensive.Insteadofaccusingsomeone-indirectlyorotherwise-remembertofocusonthefactsratherthanyourinterpretationofthefacts.Choosetobethestraightshooterandsaysomethinglikethis:
“Diane,youseemtobechangingplansandIamwonderingwhy.”
Simple,directandnon-accusatory:amuchstrongerstarttoaproductiveconversation.
YourABCsinAction:IantheInterrupter
YounowhavethetoolstocreatesomeexcellentABCmessages.Let’stakealookatasampleworkplaceconversationtoseeyourtoolkitinaction.
Imagineyouhaveatalkativecoworker,Ian,wholovestointerruptyouonaregularbasis.Itisreallystartingtobotheryou;youarefeelingdisrespectedandyousensethatyourviewsdon’tmatter(yup,thatwouldbeyourinsidevoicetalking!).Yourself-respectisatstakeaswellasyourrelationshipwithIan,soyoudecideyouneedtosaysomething.YourgoalistoletIanknowthatyouwanttobeheardandthatyouarefrustratedwithhowdiscussionsbetweenthetwoofyouoftengo.Youwantthistobeaprivateconversationandyouwanttohaveitassoonaspossibleafterthemostrecent“interruptionincident,”sothebehaviorisfreshinbothofyourminds.So,offyougotoIan’sofficewithyourpreparedABCmessagetotalktohimaboutwhathappenedattheteammeetingtoday.Whatmightyousay?
“Ian,Iamnotsureifyouareawarethatinourmeetingtoday,youinterruptedmewhileIwassharingmyideasontheAcmeproject.Ihaveexperiencedyouinterruptingmeonanumberofoccasionswhenwearehavingdiscussions.IamfeelingreallyfrustratedbecauseIwouldliketheopportunitytosharemyideas
fully.”STOPTALKING.(Embracingsilenceempowersyourmessage.)
ThisisafabulousABCmessage:accurate,briefandclear.NowIanknowswhatisgoingonforyouwithoutanyjudgmental,subjectiveor“hot”language.Youdidnotassumeanynegativeintentionsonhispart.Heismorelikelytohearthismessagethanifyouhadsaidthathe“neverlistens”or“alwaysinterrupts,”orifyouhadaccusedhimofbeingrudeorself-centered.Thismessageisalsomuchbetterbecauseyouchosetodeliveritinprivateratherthangetting
sarcasticatthemeetingandblurting,“DoyoumindifIfinishonesentence,Ian?”Yousuccessfullystartedthistoughconversationbyfocusingonthecorrectgoal,notassumingtheworstandrememberingyourABCs.Welldone!
TopToolstoRecall:DesigningYourABCMessage
-“A”isfor“accurate:”sticktothefactsandrememberthatyourjudgmentsandassumptionsdonotqualifyasfacts.-“B”isfor“brief:”aimfor30secondsanddefinitelynotmorethan2minutes.-“C”isfor“clear:”makeyourmessagedirectandpreciseandavoidburyingitinconfusinglanguage.-Use“I”statements,suchas“Ithink,”“Iam,”“Ibelieve,”“Ifeel,”etc.-Avoid“hot,”judgmentalwordssuchas“rude,”“difficult,”“lazy,”“disrespectful,”“disorganized,”etc.-Sharetheimpactoftheperson’sactionswithoutblame,shameorjudgment.
Great!Nowyouhavecreatedyourmessageinawaythatdeliversthe“straightgoods”and,ifallgoeswell,willstillleavetheotherpersonfeelingrespected.Asyoucansee,preparationiskeybecauseithelpsyoucreatetherightframeofmindaswellasfindthewordsforasuccessfulconversation.
Beforedeliveringyourmessage,however,itisessentialtoprepareyourselfevenfurtherbyanticipatingtheotherperson’spotentialreaction(s).Sure,youhavehadlotsoftimetothinkaboutthisconversationandprepareforit,buttheotherpersonhasnot.Nowit’stimetogetreadyforhowtheotherpersonrespondstoyournews.Ifyoudon’t,youriskbeingblindsidedbyallkindsofnegative,scaryand(dareIsay)crazyreactionsthat,ifhandledimproperly,willsendyourconversationintoatailspin.Preparationisessentialsothatyoucankeepyourconversationontrack.
Don’twanttobecaughtlikeadeerintheheadlights?Don’twantyourtoughconversationstofeellikesneakattacksthatcauseotherpeopletofightwithalloftheirmight?You’reabouttofindouthow.
Chapter7:DeliveringYourABCMessage
Chapterhighlights:
-Anticipatetheotherperson’sreactiontoyourmessageandmentallyprepareyourselfsoyouhavetheconfidencethatyoucanhandleanythingthatcomesyourway.
-Setthestageforyourconversationbyaskingpermissionandchoosingtherighttimeandplace.
-Havethetalk...becausetheydeservetoknowandyoudeservetotellthem.
Therearetwofinalthingsyouneedtodobeforeyoulaunchyourselfintoyourtoughtalkifyouwanttoensureyoursuccess:first,youneedtoanticipatehowtheotherpersonmightreacttoyourABCmessagesoyoucanmentallyreadyyourselfand,second,youneedtosetthestageforactuallyhavingtheconversation.Allofthisgroundworkwillpayoffwhenyoufinallydeliveryourmessage.
Ifwerushintoadifficultconversation,weinevitablymesssomethingup
and,whenwemessup,ittakesalotofadditionaltimeandenergytocleanuptheaftermathofalltheconfusion,hurtfeelings,misunderstandings,etc.Ihavedonemyshareofleapinginheadfirstwithoutthinkingoftheconsequences,believeme;please,learnfrommymistakesandchoosetoplanahead!Ifyoudo,yourconversations-andyourworkrelationships-willreaptherewards.
“Wisdomconsistsoftheanticipationofconsequences.”
-NormanCousins[xvi]
AnticipateTheirReactions
Inordertofocus,stayontrackandavoidrabbitholes,youneedtoanticipateandbereadyfortheinevitablereactiontoyourABCmessage,nomatterhowbrilliantitsoundsinyourhead.Here’swhy:eventhebestABCmessagesdonotaccountforwhattheotherpersonisgoingtosayordoinresponse.Preparationbyanticipatingtheotherperson’sreactionsgivesyouthebestchanceofsuccessbecauseallofyourhardworkwon’tbeunderminedbyanunexpectedresponse.Youarewellawareofyourfeelingsabouttheconversation;afterall,howmanysleeplessnightshaveyouhadoverit?Now,itistimetoconsiderhowtheotherpersonmightreacttoyourmessage.Putyourselfinhisorhershoes:howwouldyoureactorfeelandthenaskyourselfiftheotherpersonislikelyto:
-Behurt
-Getdefensive
-Breakintotears
-Threatenyou
-Attack
-Beg
-Beembarrassed
-Makepromisestochange
Anticipatingtheotherperson’sresponseandbeingpreparedgivesyoutheconfidencetohandleanythingthatmightbethrownyourway.Ittakesthesting
outoftheotherperson’sreaction(ifitactuallyhappens)andhelpsyoutoremainneutralanddetached.Remember,thisisatoughtalkthatyouhaveprobablyagonizedoverandpotentiallyavoidedoutoffearofwhatcouldgowrong.Ifyouvisualizeworkingouttheworst-casescenarioaheadoftime,thenyouarereadyandnothingcouldreallyfazeyou.Athletesusevisualizationinordertoachievepeakperformance,sowhynotusethesameproventacticinourownimportantconversationsinordertobesuccessful?Alittleprepworkonyourpartinthisarenawillremovesomeoftheanxietythatgoeshandinhandwiththeseconversations,whichwillultimatelyhelpyoutoachieveyourdesiredoutcome.
HelpfulHint:UnhookEmotionally
Thinkabouthowyoumightget“hooked”inaconversation-somethingthatcouldcauseyoutoaccidentallylosecontrol.Whatistheotherpersonlikelytodoorsaythatmaycauseyoutoreact,ratherthanstayfocused?Anticipateandplanforit.Thiswillhelpyouswimbythehooksandstaycalm,coolandincontrol.
Ifyouanticipateareactionandtheworst-casescenariodoesn’tmaterialize,thenyou’llbepleasantlysurprised.Don’tgetmewronghere:Iamnotapessimist,Iamarealist.Thegoalhereistobeabletostaycollectedandconfidentwheninthehotseat.Youwanttobereadysothatyoucanrespondinawaythatisalignedwithyourultimategoalratherthanreactoutofanger,fearorhurtfeelings.
StoryofSupport
IwanttoshareastoryabouthowIpreparedmyselfforaconversationtowhichIanticipatedadefensivereaction.ItwasoneofthosesituationswhereIwasabletodetachmyselfsothatIdidnotreactandtheoutcomewasverypositive.Itwasaremindertomethatthisstuffreallyworksifyoustickwithit.
TherewasatimewhenIwasmakingthetransitionfromlawyertoconsultantandwasfocusedoneducationandlearning.IwasworkingfromhomeandwasmoreavailableandpresentformyfamilythanIhadbeeninthepast.Itwasalsoatimewhenwedidnothaveanyonehelpingoutathome.Despiteenjoyingthelearningpartofmychangingdirection,Iwasstartingtorotinmycomfortzone,soIknewitwastimetogetthingsrolling.Isecuredmyfirst
speakinggiganddesignedmyfirstworkshop.ItrainedindifficultconversationsandmediationatHarvardLawSchool.Sonow,ofmyowndoing,Iwasoutofmyrutandflatoutswampedwithwork.
Theproblemformewasthedifficultyinmanagingitall:kids’activities,meals,thedog,work,travelandallthatgoesalongwithmanagingahouseandabuddingcareer.IfeltthatIwasn’tatthestagewhereIcouldreallyjustifyhiringanyoneasIwasspendingmoremoneythanIwasearning(afamiliarsongforalotofpeople).Iwasfeelingdownrightresentfulaboutallthe“menial”workIwasdoingandIsurpassedthedogwhenitcametobarkingatthekidsandmyhubby.“Iamnotthemaidaroundhere,youknow!”Iwouldscreech.“Anyoneofyoucouldhelpoutatanypointintime!”Themoodaroundourhousewasdeterioratingquickly.IdecidedIneededtohaveaproductiveconversationwithmyhubbyaboutgettingmoresupportfromhimtomanageitall.Itwasmysense(rightorwrong)thatIhadpreviouslyaskedforthehelpIneededandyetthehelpwasnotforthcoming.Obviously,weneededtotalkbeforetensionsgotanyworse.
“Expectthebest.Preparefortheworst.Capitalizeonwhatcomes.”
-ZigZiglar
IpreparedfortheconversationandIwasprettysurethatthiswouldbeatouchysubject.Hubbyseeshimselfasasupportivespouse(andheis)aswellasasupporterofwomenintheircareers.Hismotherwasasuccessfulcareerwomanandheadmiresherandallshehasaccomplished.Ibroachedthesubjectandtoldhimfrom“myview”(whichwasmyversionof“thetruth”)thatIwasnotgettingthesupportfromhimthatIneeded.Iwasreadyforastrongdefensivereaction.Afterall,Iknowthismanverywell.ThereactioncameasIhadanticipatedandwentsomethinglikethis:“Whatdoyoumean?IthinkIamverysupportive.Iammoresupportivethanmostmen!Idon’tthinkyouappreciatemeandIdon’tthinkyouarebeingfair.”
Ilistened.Istayedpresentandrememberedmygoalwastogettosomeproductivesolutionsonthesubjectofhelpforsomeofthemundanechoresoflife,nottogetintoaheatedargumentaboutwhetherhewasasupportivehusband.Thatargumentwouldhaveservednopurposeandwouldonlyhaveleftbothofusfeelingmiserable.Anticipatinghisreactionhelpedmetostayfocusedandnotget“hooked.”IchosetostaycalmandbequietdespitethefactthatIwantedtojumpin,defendmyself,bolstermypositionandpossiblyhurlafew
unhelpfullittledigs.
Theresult?Withinabout30seconds(yes,itcanbethatfast),hubbycalmlyturnedtomeandsaid,“Whatdoyouneedfrommetogetthekindofsupportyouarelookingfor?”Wethenhadaconstructiveconversationandworkedoutsomesolutionswewerebothhappywith.IfIhadnottakenthetimetoanticipateadefensiveresponse(almostguaranteedinasituationlikethis)thenIlikelywouldhavebeenembroiledinalonganddrawn-outfightaboutunrelatedandunimportantmattersthatIwouldlaterregret.Tomeitwasatruesignthatbeingpreparedreallyworks!
SettingtheStage
Thefinalstepinlayingthegroundworkforyourconversationisto“setthestage.”Youarewellprepared,butyoudonotwantyourconversationtofeellikeasneakattack.Nowyouneedtogivetheotherpersonaheads-upthatanimportantdiscussionisimminent.Hereareafewstrategiestoassistyouinpreparingforasuccessfulconversation:
1.Askpermission.
Askingpermissiontohaveaconversationworksinbothpersonalandbusinessrelationships.Theactofaskingpermissiontohaveatalkconveysrespect.ThisstrategywasworkingverywellformeandIwasdoingitregularlyuntil,oneday,Iwantedtotalktoaclosefriendaboutatouchysubject:herintimaterelationship.WhenIaskedherifIcouldtalktoheraboutsomeconcernsIhad,sherespondedwithanemphatic“no.”Nowwhat?ThiswassomeoneIreallycaredaboutandIwasworriedaboutthem.Itriedtoforgeonandtalkaboutmyconcernsanyway,whichonlycausedanargumentbecauseshehadexpresslydeniedmepermissiontobroachthesubject.
Themoralofthestoryisthatifyouaskforpermissionandthepersonsays“no,”thenyouneedtorespectthat.Otherwise,youlosecredibilityandyourrequestcomesacrossasinsincere(and,infairness,itkindofwouldbe).Ontheotherhand,oftentimesintheworkplace,havingyourdifficultconversationisamust,forexamplewhenyouneedtotalktoyourassistantaboutsomeconcernswithherworkortoacoworkeraboutmissingdeadlines.Inthosecases,youneedtoaskpermissionaboutthetimingoftheconversation,ratherthanaskingpermissiontohavetheconversationatall.Askifyoucantalkaboutyourissues
nowand,iftheotherpersonsaysno,thenyouwillhavetobeflexibleandofferotheroptionsforatimetotalk.Justbestraightforwardandsaysomethinglikethis:
“Iwouldliketosetupameetingsometimethisweek.Herearetheoptions…Whatworksbestforyou?”
2.Choosetherighttime.
Timingiscrucialandimmediacyisbest.Generally,thesooneryourconversationoccursaftertheincidentinquestion,thebetteritisforeveryone.Otherwise,thedetailsgetblurryandthereisnothingliketimetoweavejudgmentsandinterpretationsintoastory.Yourinsidevoicewilltrytousethetimetogettheupperhand,sotrytohaveyourtalksoonerratherthanlater.
If,however,youarefumingaboutanincidentandraringtoblurtsomethingout,thentimeisnottheenemy.Buttonupuntilyouarecalmandthinkingstraight.Hereisausefulruleofthumbfrommyson’shockeycoach:takea24-hourcooling-offperiodifemotionsarerunninghigh.Resistthetemptationtousethe“bravery”yourangerisgivingyoutolashoutandalwaysgiveyourselftimeandlotsofdeepbreathsbeforeyousayanythingsothatyoucanapproachtheconversationfromasneutralaperspectiveaspossible.
Ontheotherhand,youshouldavoidthetemptationtoleavetheotherpersonhangingindefinitelyonceyouhaverequestedameeting.Don’tmaketheotherpersonwaitaweekwhileyoujuggleyouryogaclass,yourcoffeedates,yourlast-minuteerrands.Allowingtoomuchleadtimewillcausebothofyoutofretandsecond-guessyourselves(andgivestheotherpersonplentyoftimetogathertheirammo!).It’snotgoingtobepretty!
3.Choosetherightplace.
Location,location,location:it’scriticalinrealestateandit’scriticalinyourtoughconversations.Thinkaboutthenatureofyourtalkandyourrelationshipwiththeotherpersonwhenyouarechoosingthevenue.Inmostcases,youdon’twanttohaveyourdifficultconversationinfrontofotherpeople;aprivatediscussionwillhelptheotherpersonavoidembarrassmentorthatawfulfeelingofbeingputonthespot,whichwillinturnreducethelikelihoodofabig,uglyscene.It’sjustcommonsense:ifyouarefiringsomeone,youdon’tdoit“reality
TVboardroomstyle;”behindcloseddoorsinyourofficeismuchmoresensitiveandappropriate.Lunchinabusyrestaurantcouldworkifyouareconfessingtoyourbestfriendthat,somehow,thereisacigaretteburnonherfavoriteDonnaKaranblazerthatyouborrowedlastweek,butnotifyouarehavingtotellyourcoworkerthatheneedstoweardeodorantwhenyougointosalesmeetings.Remembertoputyourselfintheotherperson’sshoesandaskyourselfwhereyouwouldwanttohearthenewsthatyouareplanningtoshare.
Amazing-you’vedoneit!Youarenowreadytohavethisconversationthatyouhavebeensodreading.Youhaveallofthetoolsyouneed;allthat’slefttodonowispractice.Let’slookatsomeworkplacescenariostoseehowyoucouldcraftanddeliverafewgreatABCmessages:
DealingWithaDifficultBoss:HoundingHelen
It’scoffeetimeattheofficeandyouandacoworkerhavenippedouttogetaquicklatteandhavealittleofficedramagripesession.Thetopicdujourisaworkissuethatyouarereluctanttotackle.ThelongandshortofitisthatyoufeelthatHelen,yourboss,ismicromanagingyoulikecrazy.Youhavebeenhavingalotofwhiningsessionslatelyanddefinitelynotofthetwo-minutevariety!Well,youhavereadmybook,soyouknowthatmajorcomplainingalsomeansmajoravoiding.Now,it’stimetotakeaction.
Aftercoffee,youbegincreatingyourABCmessage(accurate,briefandclear)forHelen.YouaregoingtohavetoquietyourinsidevoicethathasconvincedyouthatitistrueandfactualthatHelenisamicromanagingcontrolfreak,incessantlytellingyouwhattodoandwhentodoit.Youneedtotakeamentaldumphere(alwaysagoodthing)andaskyourselfwhatitisthatHelensaysordoesthatleadstoyoutosayshemicromanagesyouandwhythatiscausingaproblem.
Thefacts:Helenunfailinglyasksyoutomeetwithhertwiceaweektorunallofyourideasbyher.Youfeeldemoralizedandareconcernedthatshehasdoubtsaboutyourworkandyourability.Yourcreativityandself-esteemaregoingdownthetoilet,nottomentionthatyourcoworkerissickandtiredofallofyourmoaning.YourgoalinhavingtheconversationistofindoutwhyHelenismakingtheserequestsandaddressherconcerns.Youalsowanttoletherknowhowhermicromanagingbehaviorisaffectingyou(althoughyouarenotgoingtousetheword“micromanaging”becauseitimpliescriticismandjudgment).
YouanticipatethistalkcouldbetoughbecauseHelenhasareputationforgettingdefensive.Youknowyoudogoodworkandyoufeelconfidentaboutwhatyoucontribute,soyoufeelreadytotacklethistalk.Youknowthatthisisdefinitelyaconversationyouwanttohaveinprivateandyouneedacooling-downperiodafterwhatyouconsidertobethelatestinalonglineofslights(darnthatinsidevoiceanyway!),soyouaskforameetingforthefollowingday.
Thenextday,youdeliveryourABCmessagewithconfidence:
“Helen,sinceyoubecamemymanageryouhaveaskedmetomeetwithyoutwiceaweekandtorunallofmymarketingideasbyyoubeforeIincludetheminthemock-upbrochures.I’mnotsurewhereyouarecomingfrom,butIam
startingtowonderifyouhaveconcernsaboutmyabilitytodomyjobwell.Canwetalkaboutthis?”STOPTALKING.(Hearheroutandpreparetobe
surprised.)
ThiscouldbeafantasticstarttoaproductiveconversationaboutyourworkandHelen’smanagementstyle.Sheismuchmorelikelytohearthismessagethanifyouhadsaid,“Helen,youareacontrolfreak,alwaysmicromanagingme,”orevenworse,“Whycan’tyoujusttrustmywork?Everyonethinksyouareadyed-in-the-woolmicromanagerandyouaredrivingusallcrazy!”Bynowyouknowthatstatementslikethosenevergooverwell.StickwithacalmandcarefullydesignedABCmessagetogetyourmessageheard!
Sayingno:Spot-onSimon
Youhavejustleftasuccessfulboardmeetingandareintheladies’roomputtingonsomelipstickandcheckingyourphonewhenyouseeyouhaveanewmessagefromSpot-onSimon,oneofyourtopproducers.Themessagestartsoutcasuallyenough,butthenlaunchesintohowupsetheisbecausehewasn’tchosentobepartofthe“MostExcitingProjectEver.”YouaresurprisedbecauseyouhadalreadyhadthisdiscussionwithSimonseveraldaysago.Now,heissuggestinghemayleavethecompanyifyourefusetoaddhimtothenewprojectteam.Youaretakenabackbyhissubtlethreatsbutmanagetorefrainfromfiringbackanastyemail.Anothermanagerwalksintotheladies’roomandyoumentionSimon’smessagetoherand,toyoursurprise,shetellsyouthatshe’dalreadyheardhowupsetSimonwasbecausehehasbeentellinganyonewhowouldlistenfordays.Yourinsidevoiceisraging,“Heisseriouslyunbelievable!
Ican’tbelievethatSpot-onSimon,oneofmykeyemployees,isholdingmehostageandtellingeveryonethathewillquitifIdon’tputhimontheproject!Didheforgetwejusttalkedaboutthisafewdaysago?Whereishisbrain,anyway?HeknowsIcan’trunthedepartmentwithouthim.AftereverythingI’vedoneforhim,hestabsmeintheback?”
Yes,it’stimetotalktoSimonwithaclearlycraftedABCmessage.Remember,takingthatmentaldumpreallyhelpsanddon’tforgettotakeastepbackfromthe“hot,”judgmentallanguageofyourinsidevoice.Factsarewhatwillgiveyouclarityontheproblem.ThefactsarethatSimonwasnotchosentobeapartofthebigprojectandthatyouhadadvisedhimofthisinaconversationthatoccurredseveraldaysago.Whatisbotheringyouisthatyouhaveanover-confidentemployeetestingyou(withanaudiencenoless).Heisusingathreatthatcannotbetoleratedbecauseitwouldsendthemessagethatyoucanbemanipulated.Yourgoalhereistolethimknowhowmuchyouvaluehimandthatyouwillnotbereversingyourdecision.YouanticipatethatSimonisgoingtocontinuewithhisthreatstoleavebutyouareclearthatyouwillnotbeghimtostay.So,ifhetriesmorethreatsduringyourconversation,youfeelconfidentthatyoucan“swimby”thathook.Heisnotapartofthisproject,nomatterhowmuchyouvaluehimandhopethathewon’tactuallymakegoodonhisthreattoleave.
NowyouarepreparedtoconfidentlydeliveryourABCmessage:
“Simon,wetalkedaboutthisnewprojectafewdaysagoand,asyouknow,IdecidedtoputMikeontheprojecttogetsomeexperience.Iknowyoudisagree
withmydecisionandyoureallywantthisgig.Iunderstandthatyouareconsideringyouroptionsandmayleavetheorganizationifyoudon’tgetonthisproject.Thatisachoicethatyouwillhavetomake.Ifyouleave,itwouldbeahugelossforus.Havingsaidthat,pleaseunderstandthatIamnotchangingmydecision.Ultimatelyyouwillhavetodecidewhereyougofromhere.Ifyoudecidetostay,thenIexpectthattherewillbenofurtherdiscussiononthis
issue.”STOPTALKING.(Rememberthatlessismore.)
Spot-onSimonismuchmorelikelytorespectyouifyoutalktohimthiswaythanifyoucavein,beghimtostayormakefalsepromisesforthefuture.Sure,hemaybeirritatedorupsetthathisthreateningtoleavedidnotwork,buthadyoucavedorbegged,youwouldessentiallybetellingSimon(andeveryoneelseinyouroffice)thathecallstheshotsandyoudon’t-andnewsthattheboss
isawussalwaysspreadslikewildfire,soyouwouldhavebeensettingyourselfupforalotmoreproblemsdowntheroad.Thisisacasewhereyouabsolutelyneededtoassertyourselfbydrawingalineinthesand.
RudeorDisrespectfulBehavior:DaveandDarryl
Imagineyouarethedirectorofanon-profitorganization.Anhourago,alunchmeetingwasheldwithkeyparticipantsfromacrossthecountry.Duringtheluncheon,twoofthevitalplayers,DaveandDarryl,beganaprivateconversation,turningawayfromthegroupandexcludingeveryoneelseatthetable.Youweresurprisedandyourinsidevoicestartedchatteringrightaway,“Well,that’sprettyrude!Nowweallfeellikewe’regettingpickedlastforthebaseballteam!Howcanthesetwobesounkindandunprofessional?”
Ratherthanwait,youdecidetotackletheproblemnowanddeliveraclearABCmessage.First,youmustnaildowntheissueandfigureoutyourgoal.Inanutshell,youareconcernedaboutwhatimpactthisbehaviorwillhaveonyourworkingrelationshipwithDaveandDarrylandhowothersatthelunchfeltaboutbeingleftoutoftheirsecretconversation.Yourgoalissimplytoletthemknowyourconcerns.YouanticipatethatDaveandDarrylmightbedefensive,butyoufeelverystronglythattheydeservetoknow.Anopportunitytotalkprivatelypresentsitselfrightaway,sothestageisset.
HereisyourABCmessage:
“DaveandDarryl,Ibelievethatyouaregreatcontributorstothisfieldand,asexperts,othersarelookingtoyou.Iamconcernedaboutthesideconversationyoujusthadatlunchandthemessageitsendstotherestofusthatperhapsyouhavemoreimportantthingstotalkabout.I’mnotsayingyoushouldn’thaveconfidentialconversations,Ijustdon’tbelievethattheluncheonwastheright
timeorplace.”STOPTALKING.(Letthemessagesinkin.)
Surprisingly,DaveandDarrylarebothappreciativeoftheheads-upandyourwillingnesstobeopenwiththemaboutwhathadhappenedatlunchfromyourperspective.Theywereunawareoftheimpactoftheirbehavior.Youarepleasantlysurprised,becauseyouanticipatedadefensivereactionanditdidn’tcome-bonus!ItwassatisfyingtorealizethatyouwillcontinuetohaveagoodworkingrelationshipwithDaveandDarrylratherthanfeelirritatedandresentfulhadyounotexpressedyourconcerns.Therewassimplytoomuchatstaketo
remainsilent.Owningyouropinionsratherthanpresentingthemas“thetruth”wasakeytosuccessfullymanagingthistoughtalk.
However,imaginewhatwouldhavehappenedwithDaveandDarrylifinsteadyouhadsaid,“Yoursideconversationwassorude,”or“YouandDarrylwerebehavingsounprofessionally!Whatwereyouthinking?”Thistypeoflead-inwouldhavenodoubtledtoadefensiveresponseandanawkwardlunchtosaytheleast.
DeliveringSensitiveNews:NedtheNostril
Youjustlandedanexcellentjobatatop-notchorganizationandyouaresoexcitedtojoinsuchanimpressiveteam.Theofficesarefabulous,verymodernandlocatedinahigh-energydowntownlocation.Youknowyouhavetobeonyourbestbehavior,especiallyinthosesee-throughhighlyvisibleglassoffices-certainlynoquickchangesintheofficeforafastlunch-hourrun!Youandyourcoworkershavetobe“on”allthetime.ItfeelsabitlikewalkingtheredcarpetattheAcademyAwards-exciting,butalsounforgiving.
Oneday,asyousatinyouroffice,yourgazewanderedovertoyourcolleagueNed’sofficeacrossthehall.Yuck!Nedwasbusypickinghisnosewithsuchvigorthatyoucouldnotbelieveyoureyes.Didhelosesomethingupthere?Thiswasnotoneofthosefurtive,sneaky“oh,mynostrilwasjustitchy”picks;hewasdiggingforgold!Youarecompletelyshockedbecausethismanisintelligent,welldressedanddestinedtobesuccessful(orsoyouthought).Whatasocialfauxpas.Ohno,youthinktoyourself,Ijustreallyhopethiswasaone-timeoffense.
Nosuchluck.YouobserveNedtimeandtimeagainpickinghisnose.Oneday,youseehimwithhisfingeruphisnosewhileinameetingwithaclient.Youhavetalkedtoyourcoworkersandyouallagree:someonehastosaysomethingandquick!Thereissomuchatstakehere:Ned’sreputation,thereputationofthecompany,nottomentionNed’ssecretary,thepoorgirlwhotidieduparoundhisdeskandtookawayhiscoffeecup.Thevisualisfairlyhorrifying.So,youdrawstrawsforwhoisgoingtobroachthesubjectandbigsurprise–youwin(orlose)!
YoustartthinkingaboutwhatyouaregoingtosaytoNed.Thegoalisjusttolethimknowyouhaveobservedthisbehaviorbecauseyoubelievethathedeservestoknow(andsorry,offeringhimaboxoftissueisnotdirectenough).
Thehardpartistellinghimabouthishabit.Youanticipatethathewilllikelybeembarrassed,butyourespectthismanandwanttolethimknowwhatyouhaveobserved.Onedayyougingerlyapproachhimintheconfinesofhisofficeandaskhimifyoucantalktohimaboutasensitiveissue.Heagrees.
Thenyousay:
“Ned,Iamnotsureifyouareawareofit,butIhavenoticedyoupickingyournoseonmanyoccasions.Atleastoncethishappenedwhentherewasaclientinyouroffice.Ididn’tknowhowtobroachthissubject.IassumedyoumustbeunawarethatyouweredoingitandIthoughtyouwouldwanttoknow.”STOP
TALKING.(Brevityisbetterforallconcernedhere.)
Asmuchasyoumightliketo,thereisnowaytoavoidembarrassmenthere.Youanticipatedtheawkwardness,butthistopicwasjusttooimportantandyoulikeNedtoomuchnottosayanything.Youdon’ttrytosoftenthebloworeasehisembarrassment(oryours);yetthiskindofmessageismuchmorerespectfulthanblurtingout,“Stoppickingyournose!Itisdisgusting!”orworse,notsayinganythingatall.
DeliveringBadNews:NightclubNatasha
YouworkwithasmartandaspiringyoungprofessionalwomannamedNatasha.YourelyonNatasha’stalentandexpertisetoputtogetherawesomecampaignsforclients.Theproblem?Well,sheisdressinginawaythatsomemightdescribeas“provocative:”low-cutblousesandshort,tightskirts.Insteadoflookinglikesheisworkinginaprofessionaloffice,shelookslikesheisheadingtothenightclubafterwork.Youhavenoticedit(itishardtomissthecleavageorthelacyunderwear)andclientshavenoticedit.Despitehertalent,youareafraidtobringherontonewjobsbecauseofwhatclientsmightthink.
YoucareaboutNatashaandherfuturewiththecompanybecauseyougenuinelybelieveshehasalotoftalent.Youwanttosupporthersuccess,whichiswhyyoubelievethatNatashadeservestoknowhowherapparelchoicescouldpotentiallybeaffectingherblossomingcareer.Toprepare,youcarefullyputtogetheryourABCmessageandchooseaprivatetimeandplacetohavethistoughconversationwithNatasha.
Whatcouldyoupossiblysay?
“Natasha,Iwanttotalktoyouaboutanawkwardissue.Ihavenoticedthatmanyofyourworkoutfitsdonotprojecttheprofessionalimagewearelookingfor.YourworkistopnotchandIamconcernedthatyourclothingchoicesmayhaveanegativeimpactonyourcredibilitywithclientsandthefirm’swillingnesstoletyouworkwithclients.Ithoughtyoudeservedtoknow.”STOPTALKING.
(Timeisneededtoletyourmessagesinkin.)
Thisisdefinitelyanawkwardconversation,yetNatashamaynotknowhowherclothingchoicescouldbeinfluencinghercredibilityandultimatelyhercareer.Youhavedoneagoodjobinnotusingjudgmentalor“hot”languageinthedeliveryofyourmessage,sosheismorelikelytobeabletoreallyhearwhatyouhavetosay.Wasiteasy?Probablynot...butrememberthatyouarecomingfromtheperspectiveof“Natashadeservestoknow.”
ItremindsmeofatimethatoneofthepartnersIworkedwithcameuptomeatlargefirmfunctiontoletmeknowthatIhadvisiblepantylinesthatcouldbeseenthroughmybeautifulredsuit.Iwashorrifiedandgratefulatthesametime.I’dhadnoidea.Ifshehadnottoldme,Imayhavecontinuedtomakethesamemistakeanditcouldhaveunderminedmyimage.Howhumiliating!Canyouimaginemedoingbattleinthecourtroomwithmyunderwearoutlinedforalltosee?Ifthatpartnerhadn’tsaidanythingtome,eventodayImightbestandinguponstagesdeliveringseminarsonchallengingconversationswithpantylinesshowing!Ishudderatthethought!Sure,thatpartner’swordsmayhavebeenembarrassingtohear,butfarbettertohearthemthannevertoknow.
GivingtheStraightGoods:NoContractforYou
Manytimesinmycareerasaconsultant,Ihavesubmittedproposalstodeliverworkshopsorpresentationsatevents.IwishIcouldsayIalwaysgetthegigbutitjustdoesn’thappenthatway-atleastnotforme.Moreoftenthannot,peopleareuncomfortabletellingyouthatyoudidn’tgetthecontractbecausetheyfeelbadlettingyoudown.Inmyexperience,theywillsendyouanemailtellingyouthatyouhadagreatproposalbuttheyhaveunfortunatelychosensomeoneelse,althoughtheywillbekeepingyourproposalonfileforfuturereference.Insomecases,peopledon’tevenrespondandhopethatyouwilljustgoawayandneverfollowupwiththem.Avoidingtheconversationisusuallyjusttheirwayoftryingtosoftentheblow,butwhenyouareonthereceivingendofthatavoidance,itcanbeextremelyfrustrating.
Ididhaveasituationinwhichsomeonedidareallygreatjobcommunicatingwithme:IhadmadeapersonalconnectionwiththispersonandshehadindicatedtomethatIwasgoingtobegettingacontractforaspeakingengagementwiththeorganizationsherepresented.However,herbosseshadhadachangeofheartanddecidedtogowithanotherprovider.Iknewshefeltbadbecauseshehadledmetobelievethatthecontractwasmine.Hergoalintalkingtomewastobehonestwithmethattherewasnocontractandtodoitinawaythatwasrespectfulandclear.Shegavemethecourtesyofaphonecallandsaidsomethinglikethis:
“Diane,Idon’tknowhowtosaythis:Theleadershipteamhasdecidedonadifferentcontractor.IwassurprisedanddisappointedbythedecisionandI
apologizefortellingyouthatyouhadthedeal.”
Asyoucansee,therewasnolongsonganddanceabout“oh,yourproposalisfabulous”or“wesolookforwardtoworkingwithyouinthefuture.”Commentslikethosewouldhavejustcomeacrossasinsincere.Aftertheconversation,sheaskedmehowshehaddonewithhertoughtalk.Inmyopinion,shehaddoneanexcellentjobofdeliveringdifficultnewsinawaythatleftmefeelingrespected.Igaveherthethumbsuponajobverywelldone.
AFinalThought
Congratulations!YouhavesuccessfullydeliveredyourABCmessage.Youdidalotofpreparation,whichisexactlywhatisnecessarytopulloffadifficultconversationsuccessfully.Whileyoumayfeelscaredoranxiouswhenyoudon’tknowexactlywhattheoutcomewillbe,ifyouprepare,anticipateandpracticehavingtheseconversationsyouwillgainconfidence.Irecommendyoustartwithconversationswherethestakesarelowertohoneyourskillsandincreaseyourconfidence.Asthesetalksbecomemorenaturaltoyou(andtrustme,theywill),thenyouwillbereadytofaceyourmostchallengingconversationsintheworkplace.
TopToolstoRecall:DeliveringYourABCMessage
-Bepreparedbyanticipatingtheotherperson’spotentialreactions.Knowingwhatmaybecomingwillhelpyoustaycalm,coolandconfident.
-Preparetheotherpersonforyourmessagebysettingthestage:askpermission,choosetherighttime(thesooner,thebetter)andchoosetherightvenue.-DeliveryourmessagewhilerememberingyourABCs:beaccurate,briefandclear.
Rightnowisthemomentwhenmanypeoplearetemptedtostop.Youhavefinallydeliveredyourmessageand,really,shouldn’tthatbeit?Youdidagoodjobandyoujustwantthestressandworrytobebehindyou-butIamafraidthatyourdifficultconversationisn’toverquiteyet.
Nowisthetimetostoptalkingandstartlisteningtotheotherpersonandfindoutwhatheorsheheardinyourmessageandwhathisorherperspectiveisonthematter.Let’sfaceit:ifyoubothagreedonthesubjectathand,youprobablywouldnothaveneededtohaveaconversationinthefirstplace.Luckily,Idohavesometricksupmysleeveforyoutoborrowifyouwanttohaveyourtoughtalkgoassmoothlyaspossible.Thenextpartofyourdifficultconversationbeginswithlistening.
Step3:StopTalkingandStartListening
Chapter8:It’saTalk,notaLecture
Chapter9:DealingWithDefenses
Chapter10:ManagingFreak-Outs
Chapter11:ToolstoStayCool
Chapter12:TellMeMore
Chapter8:It’saTalk,notaLecture
Chapterhighlights:
-Listentounderstandandacknowledgetheotherperson’sperspective,concernsandfeelings.
-Listenbyturningtheconversationover,embracingsilence,beingcurious,askingopen-endedquestionsandcalmingyourinsidevoice.
-Clarifyifneeded.
NowthatyouhavefinallydeliveredyourABCmessage,youprobablyfeelsomereliefandnowyoujustwantitalltobeover.Youaren’toutofthewoodsyet,however;themomentsfollowingthedeliveryofyourmessageareoftenthemostimportantaswellasthemostdifficult.Oncetheotherpersonfixesyouwiththatblankstare,incredulouslookordroppedjaw,thetemptationisverystrongtobabbleonandonandon.Resisttheurge.Theotherpersonsimplyneedstimeto
processyourmessageandrespond.Allowingspacetoletthemessagesinkinisnotonlypowerful,butitisalsodefinitelytoyouradvantage.Icantellyouthatifyoukeepchattingtheotherpersonup,itwillinevitablywaterdownyourmessage,dilutingitsimpactandquitepossiblyresultinginyoucompromisingorbackingdownbeforetheotherpersonhaseversaidawordinresponse.Atthisstage,werisksabotagingourselvesandourmessagebynotknowingwhenenoughisenough.ThebestchanceforapositiveoutcomewithyourdifficultconversationistostoptalkingassoonasyourABCmessagehasbeendelivered-thenstartlistening.
IAlreadyKnowHowtoListen,Don’tI?
TheMerriamWebsterOnlineDictionarydefineslisteningas:“tohearsomething
withthoughtfulattention:giveconsideration.”[xvii]
Yes,itsoundssimpleintheory,butputtingitintopracticeissomethingelseentirely,especiallyinthecontextofadifficultconversation.YoumightsecretlyharborthehopethattheotherpersonwillcomearoundtoyourwayofthinkingwithouthavinganythingtosayaboutyourABCmessage,butchancesaregoodthatatleastsomelisteningonyourpartwillberequiredinordertokeepthingsontrack.
Therearetwoimportantreasonsforlistening:
1.YouwanttofindoutexactlywhattheotherpersonhasheardoutofyourABCmessage.Braceyourself:youmightbesurprisedbywhatyoulearn.Thebottomlineisthatamessagesentisnotnecessarilythemessagereceived,despiteyourmeticulouspreparationandgoodintentions.
2.Youwanttofindoutwheretheotherpersoniscomingfrom.Whatisthestoryfromhisorherperspective?Peoplewillalwayshavetheirownpointsofviewontheissuesyouraiseandtheyaregoingtowantyoutohearthemout.Keepinmindthatpeoplearemuchmorelikelytohearandacceptyourmessagesiftheybelieveyouhavereallyheardandunderstoodtheirperspectivesandconcernsfirst.ThisisapersonalmotivatorformeandIamconstantlyremindingmyself,“Diane,listentothemfirstandtheyarewaymorelikelytotakeinyourmessage.”Maybethissoundsalittleself-serving,butitworks!
Okay,sothegoaloflisteningistounderstandwhatotherpeoplehaveheardandtobeclearabouttheirperspectives,concernsandfeelings.Bylistening,youhelptheotherpersontofeelheard,whichinturnmakesyour
messagethatmucheasiertodigest.
TheFirstStepinListening:ShutUp
Iusedtothinkthatlisteningsimplymeantnottalking.Inowknowthat,althoughthereismoretoitthanthat,nottalkingisafabulousstart.Intheory,weknowwehavetostoptalkinginordertolisten,yetinpractice,itisoftenanotherstory.
Ihaveatalkativeandfriendlycolleague,“LoquaciousLarry,”whomIrunintofromtimetotime.LarrylovestotalkevenmorethanIdo;ifyoucanescapeaconversationwithhiminlessthananhour,youaredoingwell.Oneday,heandIgotintoadiscussionaboutwhatIwasuptoandItoldhimaboutthemediationcourseItookatHarvardLawSchool.Hewassoexcitedthathejumpedintotellmeallabouthisexperiencewithmediation.Heevensharedthemostimportantlessonhehadlearned:"Youknow,DianewhatIhavelearnedisthatifyouaretalkingyoucan’tlearnanything.Ithasbeenagreatreminderformetolisten.”Ironic,huh?Well,believeme,thatwasn’ttheend.Hethenproceededtoblabonandonforanother30minutes,barelycomingupforair!Thelessonisthatthe“stoptalking”messageisgreatintheory,butpracticingitcanreallybedifficult.
TheGoodNews:ListeningCanBeLearned
Okay,maybeLoquaciousLarrystillhasawaytogo,butlisteningisaskillthatcanbelearnedwithpracticeand,moreimportantly,arealcommitment.Itislikegoingonanexerciseprogram:ifyouarepatientandyoustickwithit,youwillbeecstaticwiththeresults.Youwillneedalittlewillpower(ormaybealot,dependingonhowmuchyoulovetotalk)andawillingnesstodothingsdifferently.Knowingthatlisteningistherightthingandtheefficientthingtodoinyourtoughconversationsshouldprovidetheincentiveneededtosharpenyourlisteningskills.
Forme,understandingthepoweroflisteningwasarealmotivator-andifIcanlearntoreallylisten,believeme,anyonecan(maybeevenLoquaciousLarry!).Icomefromalonglineofincessanttalkers;everyoneinmyfamilylovestohearthesoundoftheirownvoicesand-I’malittleembarrassedtosay-tendstopreferthatsoundoverallothers.
Letmepaintthepictureforyou:
TherearefewfamilydinnersintheRosshouseholdwhereyouareabletofinishasentence,letaloneawholethought,withoutpeopleinterruptingandweighinginwiththeirownviewpoints.Familymembersoftenhaveinputintomultipleconversationsgoingonatthesametimeandtakeprideinthat(kindofbizarre)skill.Ifyoucan’tgetanyonetolisten,youputupyourhandtosignalthatyouarenextinlinetospeakyourmind.Believeme,Iknowitsoundscrazy;sometimesourdinnertablelooksmorelikeaclassinsessionthanafamilymeal.Iwasoneoftheworstoffenders-notashockerIsuppose-anditisonlywiththegreatestdisciplineandresolvethatIwaseverabletokeepmymouthshutlongenoughforsomeoneelsetofinishasentence.Oursisahouseholdwheredinnerguestsareshell-shockedaftertheirfirstmealwiththefamily.ThedinisabsolutelydeafeningandmanyanintelligentandtalkativenewcomerwaseffectivelysilencedbythechaoticdynamicsofatypicalRossfamilydinner.
Iwillneverforgetgivingmyhubbyahardtimefornotparticipatinginourfamilygabfestsearlyoninourrelationship.“Myfamilythinksyoudon’tlikethembecauseyouneversayanythingatdinner,”Iwouldcomplain.“Youjustsitthere.Whycan’tyoujustsaysomething?Anythingwouldbegood!”
Hisexasperatedresponsetomewassomethinglike,“Diane,itishardtoimaginesayinganythingwheneveryoneistalkingatthesametimeovereachotherandnevercomingupforair.Itgetslouderandlouderbytheminute!Icouldn’tgetawordinevenifI’dwantedto.”Well,ashardasitmightbetobelieve,myhubby’swordswerenewstome.Myextremelytalkativebehaviorwas(andis)soingrainedinmypsychethateventodaylisteningrequiresongoingeffortandvigilanceonmypart.
“Courageiswhatittakestostandupandspeak;courageisalsowhatittakestositdownandlisten.”
-SirWinstonChurchill
Yes,reallisteningisdifficult,butnothopeless.Hereistheproof:
Notthatlongago,hubbywastalkingtomeaboutanissuethathadcomeupatwork.Iwasreallyfocusingandpracticingmynewfoundlisteningskills.Inoddedmyheadandtriedtoreallytakeinwhathewassaying.Ieventossedinafew“umms”and“Isees”toshowthatIwasstayingpresentandinterestedinwhathewassaying.Afteraminuteorso,helookedatmeandsaid,“Areyouokay?Iseverythingallrightwithyou?”
Ireplied,“Ofcourse!Whydoyouask?”
Hesaid,“Wellyouaren’tsayinganything.Youaren’ttalking.”
Iresponded,“Iamlisteningtoyou,andIcan’ttalkandlistenatthesametime.”
Hewasabitsurprised-okay,maybeevenfloored-andthenhesaid,“Wow,thatisreallyawesome.”Musictomyears!
ToolstoBecomeaBetterListener
HereareafewtoolsIhaveusedtoimprovemyownlisteningskills(beyondjustshuttingmymouth,Imean):
1.Turntheconversationover.
AfteryouhavedeliveredyourABCmessage,bemindfulaboutturningtheconversationovertotheotherperson.Juststoptalkingandtakeabriefpause;that’sallthatisnecessarytogivetheotherpersontacitpermissiontojumpin.Thenallyouusuallyhavetodoissimplyembracesilenceandlisten.Easyaspie!
Ofcourse,notalkisgoingtobeentirelypredictableandatothertimesyoumayhavetoworkalittlehardertoturntheconversationover.Herearesomequestionsandcommentsthatwillhelpnudgetheotherpersontostartcontributing:
-Tellmewhatisgoingonfromyourperspective.
-WhatdoyouthinkaboutwhatIjustsaid?
-WhatisyourunderstandingofwhatIhavesaid?
-Whatisyourtakeonthis?
-Howdoyouseethings?
-Tellmewhatisgoingonforyourightnow.
-I’mcuriousaboutyourperspectiveonthis.
Thekeyhereistochoosequestionsorstatementsthatfeelnaturaltoyouandthenaddthemtoyourownpersonallistoftechniquesforturningyour
difficultconversationsovertotheotherperson.
2.Embracesilence.
Yourquestionshaveturnedtheconversationovertotheotherpersonandnowyouneedtoembracesilence.Asoneofmyprofessorssoeloquentlysaid,itisimportantto“shuttheduckup.”Theotherpersonneedsuninterruptedtimeinordertoreallyrespondtoyouand,onceyouhavegiventhattime,youbothstandabetterchanceofreachingaresolutionthatreallyworks.Becomfortablewithsilenceandresistthetemptationtofillitupwithemptychatter.
Manyofus,myselfincluded,areterrifiedofsilence;justaskalawyer,yourbestfriendoratalkshowhost.Whydowechatteron?Itcouldbebecausewewanttohelptheotherpersonand/oravoidthediscomfortofsilence.Yes,silencecanbeuncomfortable,butembracingsilenceispowerfulbecauseitsignalsconfidenceandremovesthedrivetocompeteforaturntotalk.Iliketoremindmyselftomarinateinthesilence.Justlikeasteak,theendproductisinvariablymuchbetterwhenyoudo!
3.Listenwithcuriosity.
Theconversationhasbeenturnedoverandnowtheotherpersonistellingyouhisorhersideofthestory.Nowisthetimetopaycloseattentiontowhatissaidandpossiblytowhatisleftunsaid.Simplyholdingyourtongueisnotenough;youhavetoactuallyfocus.Whatdidtheotherpersonhearyousay?Whatarehisorherconcerns?Whatishisorherperspective?Whatreallymatterstotheotherperson?Youmightthinkyoualreadyknowallofthisstuffsinceyoudidyourbesttoanticipatetheotherperson’sreactionsinthelastchapter,buthereisthething:ifthestorywerethesameforbothofyou,youprobablywouldn’tneedtobehavingthisconversationinthefirstplace...sopayattention.
Workhardtoputyourselfintheotherperson’sshoesandalwaysrememberthatyouarelisteningwithpurpose,whichtranslatestomeaningfullisteningandisthereforeverypowerful.Donotgazeoffintospace.Donotcasuallycheckyoursmartphone.Donotcuttheotherpersonoffmid-sentence.Thiskindofbehaviorwillnotgounnoticedandcouldcauseyourconversationtodegeneratefrom“tough”to“totalnightmare.”
“Wisdomistherewardyougetforalifetimeoflisteningwhenyou’dratherhave
beentalking.”
-Aristotle
IthinkbacktowhenIfirstreadstoriestomychildren;theylistenedtothestoryandthenaskedquestionsaboutthegoodguy,thebadguy,thebestfriend,etc.Thentheylistenedtomyanswers.Theydidn’thaveanypreconceivednotions,assumptionsorideasabouthowthestorywouldendorevenhoworwhythecharactersbehavedastheydid.ThatisthekindoflisteningIamtalkingabout:learntolistenwithcuriosityandanopenmind,justlikechildrendo(beforetheylearntotalkback,anyway).
Evenifyouthinkyouknow“thetruth,”beopenandreceptivetoanotherstory.Nomatterhowconvincedyouarethatyourassumptionsarecorrect,youmaybesurprisedtolearnsomethingnew.Wehaveallexperiencedatimewhenwestormedangrilyintoaconversationonlytodiscoverthatourupsetfeelingswerebasedonamisunderstanding(e.g.“Whatdoyoumeanyoudidn’tstealmyluckypen?Oh,uh,it’srighthereinmydrawer.Er,sorry”).Whatawasteofenergy!Insteadofclingingtoyourownpreconceivednotions,listenintentlyandaskquestionsonlywhentheotherpersonhasfinishedtalking-nointerrupting.Youmightbeamazedbywhatyoucanlearn!
4.Calmyourinsidevoice.
Oneofthesecretstolisteningattentivelyisbeingabletoquietyourinsidevoiceinrealtime.Wetalkedaboutthisalittleinchapterthree,soyouknowyouneedtohushyourinsidevoicebeforeyoucancraftasolidABCmessage,butwhataboutwhenyourinsidevoiceisstillchatteringawayonceyourdifficultconversationhasstarted?Wehaveallbeenguiltyatsomepointoflisteningmoretothesnappyretortsofourinsidevoicesthantowhattheotherpersonisactuallysaying.Wepresentafacadeoflistening(somebetterthanothers),butwearetoobusyformulatingourcounterargumenttobeabletohearwhatisactuallygoingon.Wewanttobereadytopouncetheminutetheotherpersonslowsdowntotakeabreath.Thisislisteningtorespond,nottruelistening.Wemayhaveheardthewords,sortof,butwehaven’treallylistenedandthereforedon’tunderstandtheotherperson’sstoryatall.
Thekindoflisteningwewanttopracticeislisteningwithcuriosityinordertogenuinelyunderstandtheotherperson’sperspective.Nowisthetimetocalmyourinsidevoicebecauseyousimplycannotlistenwhileyourinsidevoice
isblabberingonandon.Remember,tocalmyourinsidevoice,itisveryhelpfultodoa“mentaldump,”whichmeanslettinggoofyourbeliefs,assumptionsandjudgments.Then,askyourselfwhytheotherpersonwouldsaywhattheyaresaying.Whatarethemainconcernshereandhowdoesthissituationlookfromhisorherperspective?Everyonewantstobeheardandunderstood,soifyou’reaimingforasuccessfulconversation(andIsurehopeyouare!),youneedtocalmyourinsidevoiceandreallyheartheotherperson.Yes,itcanbetough,butifyoucommittoimprovingyourabilitytolistenbybeingcuriousandquellingyourinsidevoice,Ipromiseyouwillbepleasantlysurprisedbytheresults.
AskGoodQuestions
Awesome!You’velistenedtotheotherperson.Nowwhat?Well,nowyouarereadytoasksome“tellmemore”questionsthatdonotpresumetoalreadyknowtheanswer.Askinga“tellmemore”questionwillgetyoutheanswersyouneedtodigdeeperintoanissue.Thegoalistogainathoroughunderstandingoftheotherperson’sperspectivesoyoucanmoveforwardinyourconversation.
HereisanexampleofwhatI’mtalkingabout:
Yourbosssaysyouarenotgettingthepromotionyouwerehopingforbecauseyouhavenotshowninitiative.Youassumethat“initiative”meansworkinglonghoursandtakingonlotsofprojectsandassignments,allofwhichyouhavedone.Youleavethemeetingfumingandcan’tstopstewingoverit,soyoudecideyouneedtotalktoyourboss.Whenyoudofinallymeetwithhim,youtellhimthatyouareupsetthatyoudidnotgetthepromotionbecauseyoubelievethatyouhaveshownlotsofinitiative.Heflat-outdisagreesandyouareleftevenmorefrustratedthanbeforeyouwalkedintothatconversation.
Theproblem:youneveraskedyourbosswhathemeantby“initiative.”Whatdoesitmeantohim?Hisversionofinitiativemaybeverydifferentthanyours(infact,atthispointyoucanprobablycountonit).Maybeyourbossperceivesinitiativeastakingtheleadonprojectsandmakingtoughdecisions,whichissomethingyouhaveshiedawayfrom.Maybehemeanspickingupweekendshifts,whichyouhaven’tdonebecauseyouprefertoreserveweekendsforfamilytime.“Initiative”couldmeananynumberofthingshere,soyouaregoingtohavetotakethebullbythehornsandfindoutexactlywhatyourbosswaslookingforsoyouwillgetthepromotionyou’reaftersoonerratherthanlater.Your“tellmemore”questionmightbe:
“Wouldyoutellmemoreaboutwhat‘initiative’looksliketoyou?”
Then,asyourbossexplainshisdefinitionof“initiative,”yourjobistolistentounderstand,nottoargueordisagree.Sure,maybeyouarestillupsetandhavesomechoicewordsbrewingforyourboss,butlettingyourinsidevoicegetinvolvedisnotgoingtohelp,especiallyifyouareseriousaboutgettingthatpromotion.
Herearesomemoreexamplesof“tellmemore”questions:
-Ineverthoughtofitaboutthatway.Tellmemoreaboutyourperspective.
-Idon’tunderstand.Wouldyoupleasetellmemore?
-Howdoyoufeelaboutthis?Tellmemore.
-Iamwonderingwhatinformationyouhavereliedontoreachthatconclusion;tellmemore.
-Tellmemoreaboutwhythisisimportanttoyou.
-Youseemconcerned;pleasetellmemore.
Thequestionsabovehelpyoutolearnmoreabouttheotherperson’ssideofthestorysothatyoubothcanbeasclearaspossible.Ontheflipside,itcanbeprettyeasytodressupyourassumptionsandjudgmentsasquestions(usuallyyourinsidevoiceistheculprit),butthesearenottrue“tellmemore”questionsandwillnotpropelyourconversationsintherightdirection.Takealookatsomeofthese“questions:”
-Doyoureallythinkit’sokaytoarrivelatetoourmeetings?
-Youaren’treallygoingtoleavebeforethereportsaredone,areyou?
-Don’tyouthinkifyouhadputmoreeffortin,wemighthavelandedthecontract?
-Youknowyouweren’tbeingveryresponsiblehere,right?
Ifyouhaveeverbeenaskedsomethinglikethis,youknowhowterribleitfeelsandhowquicklyyoucangetyourbackup.Thesetypesof“questions”areclosertoacourtroomcross-examinationthana“tellmemore”questionandwillcertainlyputtheotherpersononthedefensive.Don’tgothere,nomatterhowtempting.Keepyourfocusonembracingsilence,askinggoodquestionsand
reallylisteningtotheotherperson’sanswersinsteadofyourinsidevoicechatter.Thisishowyoucreategoodlisteninghabits.
AcknowledgetheOtherPerson
Acknowledgementletstheotherpersonknowthatyoupaidattention,thatyoulistened.IusedtothinkthatifIacknowledgedotherpeople’sviewsorperspectives,itimpliedeitherthatIagreedwiththemorthattheywererightandIwaswrong(notmyfavoritething).Notso.Idiscoveredthroughmyresearchthatacknowledgementisnotaboutagreementorbackingdown.ItisactuallyanotherverypowerfulwayofshowingthatIampayingattentionandthatIamtryingtounderstandwhatisgoingonfortheotherperson.OnceIrealizedthatacknowledgmentconveyedstrength,notweakness,Iwasabletopracticeacknowledgementmuchmorefreelyinmydifficultconversations.
Ultimately,acknowledgmentisaboutcreatinganatmosphereofrespect,eveninyourtoughestofconversations.Herearetwowaysforyoutoacknowledgetheotherperson’sstory:
1.Summarizeinyourownwordswhatyourunderstandingisoftheotherperson’sperspectiveandconcerns.
Usekeywordsandlanguagethatisconsistentwithwhoyouareasaperson.Donotparrot,mimicorotherwiserepeatwhattheotherpersonsaidtoyoubecauseitsoundscontrivedanddoesnotshowthatyouactuallyheardtheotherperson.Mysonlikestoremindmethatparrotingworksforbirds,notforpeople.
Toacknowledgeotherperson’spointofview,trythesephrases:
-LetmemakesureIunderstandwhatyou’resaying...
-Allright,whatIthinkyouaresayingis...
-Itseemstomethatyouaresaying...
-ThewayIhearitis...
-Itsoundslikeyouthinkthat...
Again,youwillwanttotrythesekindsofphrasesonforsizeandseewhatfeelsgenuineandauthentictoyou.Theideahereisnottohaveanarsenalofcannedresponsesbutratheratoolkitfullofresourcestohelpyouconveyyour
genuineacknowledgementofwhattheotherpersonissaying.
2.Acknowledgetheirfeelings.
Acknowledgingsomeoneelse’sfeelingsisaboutlettingtheotherpersonknowyouaremakingasincereeffortto“getit.”Itisaboutputtingyourselfinsomeoneelse’sshoes,whichdemonstratesempathy.Thiscanbedonewithwords,anodoftheheadorsimplystayingphysicallypresentandconnectedtotheconversation.RememberhowmyhubbywasstunnedthatIactuallylistenedtohisworkissue?ThedifferenceinhowIlistened-bystayingpresent,interjectinglittle“hmms”and“Isees”andnotinterrupting-madeanimmediateandpalpabledifferencetohim.Thepersonyouarehavingtheconversationwithwillnoticeandappreciateyourefforts,too.
Watchthatyoudonotconfuseempathywithsympathy.Sympathyistakingonsomeelse’spainasyourown,asin:“Oh,thatisjusttoohorrible,”“Iwouldjustdieifsomeonesaidthat,”or“Ohno,Iwentthroughthesamethingwhen...”Toomuchsympathycanfeelfakeandtheotherpersonwillprobablystarttomutterthingslike:“Hey,thisismyissue,notyours-getoveryourself!”or“Don’tpretendtocarehowIfeelrightnow!”Ifyousaytosomeone,“Iunderstandhowyoufeel,”despiteyourgoodintentionstheirknee-jerkresponseisinvariably,“No,youdonotknowhowIfeel,”or“Don’tactlikeyoucareaboutthisasmuchasIdo!”Sympathyonlyservestoshutdowncommunication.Empathy,ontheotherhand,respectspeople’sindependenceandshowsthatyoucareabouttheirfeelingswithoutmakingassumptionsabouthowthey’refeeling.
Trysomeofthesephrasestoacknowledgetheotherperson’sfeelingsorconcerns:
-Itseemstome...
-Ihearyousaying...
-Youseemupset/hurt/disappointedetc.
-Inoticethat...
-Icanunderstandwhyyouwouldbeupset/hurtetc.
Insummary,acknowledgingotherpeopleshowsthemthatyouarelisteningandattemptingtounderstandtheirperspectives,concernsandfeelings.Remember,acknowledgementisnotagreementora“youwin,Ilose”scenario,
soyoucanbegenuineinyouracknowledgmentwithoutfearthatyouareweakeningyourmessage.Beingauthenticasyouacknowledgeiskey;ifyoucomeacrossasmechanicalandinsincere,youwillnotcreateanatmosphereofrespectandtheotherpersonmayfeelpatronizedandthengetdefensive.Remembertochoosewordsthatfeelnatural.Forpractice,testyouracknowledgmentskillsoutonlovedonestoseewhatworksandfeelsrightforyou.Myentireextendedfamilyhasservedasguineapigsformyresearch,sowhynotenlistyourstohelpyouout,too?
ClarifyIfNeeded
Asyouarelisteningtotheotherperson,youmighthearthingsthatjustdon’tmakesenseandyoumaybegintowonderifyourintendedmessagewasactuallyunderstood.Ifso,itisdefinitelyokaytoclarifywhattheotherperson’sunderstandingofyourmessageis.Youmaysimplyneedtoclearsomethingupordigalittledeeper.That’sperfectlynormal-thisisadialogue,afterall,withtwopeopleexchangingtheirperspectivesandopinions.Nevershyawayfromclarifyingwhennecessaryoryouriskhavingtostartyourconversationalloveragainfromscratchanotherday.
Ifandwhenyoudofindyourselfneedingtoclarify,alwayschooseyourwordsandtonecarefullysoyoudonotcomeacrossascondescending.Youmayfeellikeabrokenrecord,butifyouspeakasthoughyouarefrustratedforhavingtorepeatyourselforasiftheotherpersonisstupidfornotunderstandingyouthefirsttimearound,youaresettingyourconversationupforamajordownturn.Iftheotherpersondidnotunderstandyouonthefirsttry,rewordyourpoint(versususingthesameexactlanguage)andmakesuretokeepyourtoneneutral,notirritatedorimpatient.Rememberthatyouaretryingtokeepanenvironmentofrespect,notofcriticismorjudgment.
TakingtheTime:MotherKnowsBest
Bynow,youmightbesaying,“Areyoukidding?Idon’thavetimeforallofthis!”Iadmitthatitdoessoundlikealot-but“alot”doesn’talwaysmeanittakesalotoftime,especiallynotonceyouhavemasteredthebasicsofmanagingtrickyconversations.Listeningandacknowledgingdoesnotmeanyouhavetohavealong,drawn-outconversation.Infact,whenpeoplefeelheard,theyoftendon’tfeeltheneedtorepeatthemselvesoverandoveragain,soultimatelyyourchallengingtalksgetshorter.
Ihaveexperimentedwithtakingthetimetolistenanditreallydoesworktokeepthingsconcise.Ididthisoncewithmymotherwho,likealotofmothers,lovestogivemeendlessadvice.Idecidedthatthenexttimeithappened,Iwouldlistenandacknowledgeherpointofviewratherthangetintoalengthy,irritatingdebate.Hereishowitwentdown:
IwenttovisitmymomjustbeforeIwasabouttodoaworkshop.Theelevatorwasoutofserviceinherbuildingandshewasconcernedaboutmeliftingmyheavyrollingbriefcasedownthestairsandouttomyvehicle.So,shetoldmeherplanforhow“we”shouldgetthebriefcasedownthestairsandtothecar.Now,youhavetounderstandthatmymotherhadjusthadahipreplacementandwasn’tgoinganywhere-certainlynotdowntheseveralflightsofstairswithmeandmysuitcase!
Normally,inthesekindsofsituations,Iwouldgrumblethingslike,“IthinkI’moldenoughtofigureouthowtogetmybriefcasetothecar”and“Whydoesn’tshejustmindherownbusiness?”Myirritationwithmymomwouldbereflectedinmybodylanguage,mytoneofvoiceandmyfacialexpressions.Wewouldthenhaveabitofadebateabouttheissue.Iwouldstandmygroundandshewouldaccusemeofnotlisteningtoher.
Onthedayinquestion,Icalmedmyinsidevoiceandsaidtomyself,Whyismomtellingmethis?It’sbecausesheistryingtobehelpfulandisworriedaboutmecarryingmylargebriefcase.Withthatinmind,Iwasabletohaveamentaldumpandactuallylistentohergrandplan.Ithenacknowledgedherbysayingsomethinglike,“Itsoundslikeyouareconcernedaboutmecarryingmybriefcaseandyouthinkitwouldbeagoodideatobringmycartotheloadingzone.”
Momrepliedwithasimple“yes,”butshewasdefinitelyalittleshockedbecause,basedonalotofpastexperience,shehadexpectedmetopushbackandbeargumentative.ShewasrefreshinglysatisfiedthatIhadlistenedtoherpointofviewandIwasdelightedtorealizethatacknowledgingherperspectivedidnotmeanIhadtoacceptorfollowheradvice.Itwasreallyaboutrespectingmymomandherviews-andIgottoavoidanargumentwithapersonIlove(andstillcarryonasplanned).
Ifyouarestillunsureaboutacknowledginganotherperson’sperspective,feelfreetotryitoutonaclosefamilymember,asIdid.Thenexpecttobeverypleasedwhenyourealizehoweasyitcanbetocircumventanargumentandshortenatoughtalksimplybyconveyingrespectthroughacknowledgment.
UncoveringtheBiggerPicture:TardyTina
Let’slookatacommonworkdilemma:thelateemployeeorcoworker.It’seasyforyourinsidevoicetogetcarriedawayinaheartbeathere,butsometimesthereismoretothestorythanfirstmeetstheeye.Youmaybesurprisedbywhatyoucanlearnandthecreativesolutionsyoucanuncoversimplybylistening.
Let’ssaythatoneofyourkeystaffmembers,TardyTina,consistentlyarriveslateforwork.Asluckwouldhaveit,TardyTinaisoneawesomeemployeeandyou’vebeenlaxintakinganyactionagainstherperpetuallatenessbecauseyoudon’twantrisklosingher.Unfortunately,nowotheremployeesarecomplainingthatTinaisgettingspecialtreatment;yourealizethatyoucan’tstallanylongerwithoutriskingyourreputationasaleader.It’stimetotakesomedirectaction.
So,whataretherealfacts?TardyTinahasbeenlate16timesinthepastmonth.YouhavemadeanassumptionthatTinathinkssheisabovetherulesbecauseofherotherwiseawesomeworkethic,butyouknowthatassumptionsdonotequalfactsandthereforemayhavenobearingontherealstory.Althoughyouareirritated,youremindyourselftoquellyourinsidevoicesothatyouandTinacanhaveagenuinedialoguetogettotherootoftheissue.
Youinitiateyourtalk,lettingTardyTinaknowhowmanytimesshehasbeenlatethismonth;thenyoustoptalkingsothatyourmessagecansinkin.Asyouhadanticipated,Tinadefendsherself,remindingyoushecommutesfurtherthanmost,isaconsistentlyhighproducerandstayslatewheneverneeded.Youaretemptedtoreacttoherexcuses,butyouresist.Instead,yousimplylistenandthenacknowledgethateverythingTinasaidistrue.Aclarifyingquestionwouldnowservewell,somethinglike:“Iwonderifyouwouldtellmewhyyou’vebeenlatesomanytimesthismonth.IstheresomethinggoingonthatIshouldknowabout?”Initially,thereissilence,butthenTinaunloadsand,asyougettherealtruth,yourassumptionsflyoutthewindow.
ItturnsoutthatTinadropsheryoungdaughteroffattheschoolbusstopeverymorningonherwaytowork,butondark,cold,wetwintermorningshasahardtimeleavingherstandingtherealone.Youcompletelyunderstandherdilemma,soyouask,“Doyouhaveanyideashowwecouldresolvethis?”TardyTinasuggestsflexingherhourstostart15minuteslaterinthemorningandstay15minuteslaterintheafternoon.Asshehadalreadypointedout,sheoftenstayslateintheafternoonanyway,sothisisagoodsolutionforherandyounowhave
someoneyoucancounttobethereeachdaytocloseupshop.YouagreeandlaternotifytherestofthestaffthatTardyTina’shourshavechanged.YouclarifywithTinayourexpectationsthat,withhernewworkhours,shewillbeontimeforworkeachday.
Goodjob!Bylettinggoofyourassumptions,openingupanhonestdialoguewithTinaandthenreallybeingpresentforwhatshehadtosay,youwereabletocomeupwithacreativesolution.NotonlydoTina’snewhoursbenefitthebothofyou,buttherestofyourstaffnowknowsthatyouareafairemployerwhoiswillingtoworkwiththemtofindappropriatesolutionstoreal-lifeproblems.Thisisjustonescenario,buttheprincipleappliestovirtuallyendlessworkplacesituations:bylistening,youcanlearnalotandavoidgettingunnecessarilyworkedupaboutassumptionsandjudgmentsthatneverneededtobemade.Whenyoulistenandkeepanopenmind,youpavethewaytoaproductiveconversationandabetteroveralloutcome.
SummingUp
Rememberthattousethetoolsandskillshere,youmustbegenuinelyinterestedinwhattheotherpersonissayingandfeeling.Ifyouarenotinterested,itwillshinethroughinyourbodylanguage:Iamtalkingaboutzoningout,blankstares,crossedarms,tappingtoes,smartphonechecks,etc.Donotassumetheotherpersonwon’tmindyourmore-than-obvioussignals.Instead,committoengagingandgivingtheotherpersonthegiftofyourattention.
Don’tworryaboutrespondingfornow;youwillgetyouropportunitylateron,sojustsitback,relaxandpayattentiontowhattheotherpersonissayingrightnow.Whenyoulistenandacknowledge,youtakethecompetitionoutofyourtalkandtheotherpersonwillfeelheard,whichwillmakeitmorelikelythatyouwillalsobelistenedto.Theendresultisthatyourtoughconversationwillbeoverfasterandlikelywithmuchmoredesirableresults.
TopToolstoRecall:ListenInsteadofLecture
-Onceyouhavedeliveredyourmessage,turntheconversationovertotheotherpersonsoheorshehastheopportunitytorespond.-Showconfidencebyembracingsilence.-Learntostifleyourinsidevoiceinrealtime.
-Askgoodquestions,listentounderstand,andacknowledgetheotherperson’sperspectives,concernsandfeelings.
Wow!First,youpreparedanddeliveredyourABCmessage.Then,youembracedsilenceandturnedtheconversationovertotheotherperson.Youstoppedtalkingandaskedgood“tellmemore”questionstoreallygettotheheartoftheissue.Youlistenedintentlyandwithcuriosity.Next,youacknowledgedtheotherperson’sperspective,concernsandfeelings.Whew!Congratsonajobwelldone!
Now,hereisthecatch:thisprocesssofarassumesthateverythinghasgoneprettysmoothlyinyourdifficultconversation.However,therealityisthatnomatterhowpreparedyouareorhowperfectyourABCmessageis,thingscangosidewaysintheblinkofaneye.Humanbeingsarecomplicatedandweneverquiteknowforsurehowpeoplewillrespondtoourmessages,evenwhenwedoourbesttoanticipate.Iftheotherpersondoesn’t“seethelight”rightaway,howareyougoingtomanagetheresponsetokeeptheconversationontrack?Don’tworry:I’mnotgoingtothrowyoutothewolvesnowwhenyouhavealreadycomesofar!Therearewaystodealwithdefensiveorotherwiseunwelcomereactionsinyourtoughconversations,solet’stakealookatthosenext.
Chapter9:DealingWithDefenses
Chapterhighlights:
-“Shuttheduckup.”
-Avoidrespondingtotheotherperson’sdefensiveness.
-Helptheotherpersonsaveface.
WhenyouhaveworkedsohardtocraftanddeliveraproductiveABCmessage,thenareintentonreallylisteningtotheotherperson,itcanseemsupremelyunfairwhenyouaremetwithanupset,hostile,unkindorotherwisedefensivereaction.Itisdefinitelychallengingtolistenandkeepthetalkontrackwhenpeopleresponddefensivelyinyourdifficultconversationsand,althoughyoumightwishandhopeandpraythattheywon’tgetdefensive,chancesarehighthattheywill-soit’sbesttobeprepared.
WhatexactlydoImeanbyadefensiveresponse?Iftheystartmaking
excusesordenyingthattheysaidordidsomething,thatisadefensiveresponse.Iftheystartinwiththeblamegameordroneonandonwithlengthyexplanations,thatisadefensiveresponse.Althoughdefensivenesscancomplicateyourdifficultconversations,itisacompletelynaturalknee-jerkreactionwhensomeonefeelsembarrassed,disappointedorcriticized.Hey,thisisatoughtalk,right?Dealingwithsomeone’sdefensesisjustpartofthedeal.Ifyoulearnhowtomanagetheseresponses,youaresettingyourselfupforsuccessinyourdifficultconversations.
“Circumstancesarebeyondhumancontrol,butourconductisinourownpower.”
-BenjaminDisraeli[xviii]
Nowthattheotherperson’sdefenseshavekickedin,yourdiscussionisnolongeranintellectualexercise;thisiswheretherubbermeetstheroad.Thegoodnews:yourresponsetotheotherperson’sdefensivenesswillguidewherethingsgofromhere.Youinfluencebigtimetheotherperson’sreactionstoyourmessagethroughouttheconversation.
Ifyoureactnegativelytotheotherperson’sdefensiveness,itaddsfueltothefire.Evenifheorsheisactinglikeacompletetwit,jumpingintointerrupt,correctorcounterwhatisbeingsaidislikedumpingawholebunchofgasoline-soakednewspapersonyourfireandthenlightingthemwithablowtorch.Resisttheurgetoreactoryoumightendupburningdownthewholeoffice.
Rememberthatyourgoalistohaveasuccessfulconversationaboutanissueorconcernthatisimportanttoyou,nottogetinvolvedinalong-windeddiscussionaboutunrelatedorlessimportantissues.Reactingtotheotherperson’sdefensivenessisasurefirewaytosidetracktheconversation.Sowhatareyousupposedtodoifnotdefendyourselfinkind?Thekeyistopayattentiontotheotherpersonandletthedefensivenessfizzleoutnaturally.Onewaytodothatistoremindyourselfto“shuttheduckup”-ifyouaren’ttalking,thenyouaren’treacting!
WhatIsDefensivenessReallyAbout?
Defensivenessisaprimalinstinct.Often,peoplefeelcompelledtoresponddefensivelyovereventhemostinnocentofcomments.Quiterecently,Iwas
invitedtoapotluckdinnerpartyandIwasputonsaladduty.WewereinthekitchenenjoyingaglassortwoofChardonnayandagabsession(bothofwhichIhappentolove).Withdinneralmostready,Istartedtopreparemysaladandwasjustabouttopouronthedressingwhenmygirlfriendsaidtome,“Diane,don’ttossthesaladyet.”
Iimmediatelyshotback,“Hey,Iknow!Iwasn’tgoingto!”eventhoughIhadthelidoff,clearlypoisedtopourmy(ifIdosaysomyself)fabuloussaladdressing.Welaughedaboutitlater,butwhyonearthdidIautomaticallyrespondsodefensively?Wearetalkingaboutasaladhere!
Dictionary.comdefinesdefensivenessas:“excessivelyconcernedwithguardingagainsttherealorimaginedthreatofcriticism,injurytoone’segoor
exposureofone’sshortcomings.”[xix]
Evenifwedonotintendtocomeacrossascritical,ourmessagemightbeperceivedthatway.Ifyousaytoyourcolleague,“Youwerelatefortheclientlunchtoday.What’sup?”shemayreactbysaying,“Well,Iamnottheonlyonewhoiseverlate.Youarelatesometimes,too!Whoareyoutocriticizeme?Iworkhard!”Responseslikethisleaveusreelingbecausewecan’tfigureoutwhatitwaswesaidthatsetthemoff.Usually,theculpritiscriticism,whetherrealorimagined.Noonelikestofeelcriticized.
Inthesamesituation,wemightbetemptedtodefendourinitialstatementbysaying,“Iamnottheonewhowaslate!Besides,wearetalkingaboutyou,notme.Isimplyaskedaquestion;whydoyouhavetobesodifficult?”Oops!Nowthisconversationhasofficiallygonesidewaysthanksnotjusttoyourcolleague’sdefensiveness,buttoyoursaswell.Whentheotherpersonrespondsdefensively,youeithershuttheduckuporstaycalmandclarifywhatyoumeant.Youmightsay,“Itwasn’tmyintentiontoquestionyourworkethic.Whenyouwerelate,Iwasconcernedthatsomethingwaswrong.”Thenembracesilence.
Whenpeoplesensethattheircharactersarebeingquestioned,theytendtofeelembarrassedorhurt,whichcausesthemtoreactdefensively.Iftheybelievethatwehavesaid(orimplied)thattheyarerude,inconsiderate,self-centered,unreliable,irresponsible,incompetent,etc.,theywillhaveastrongurgetoprotectthemselvesandtheirfeelingsofself-worth.Forexample,ifwesay,“Jane,youseemreallydistractedlately.Areyouokay?”Janemayresponddefensivelybyretorting,“I’mfine-butIamabusymomandmytimeisnotmyown,”or“JusttryhavingasmanyballsintheairasIdo,”or“Ican’tbelieveyouaregivingmeahardtimewitheverythingIhavegoingon!”Evenwithyour
relativelyinnocuousquestion,Janemayfeelthatherimageasareliablepersonisonthelineand,toprotectherselfandherfeelingsofself-worth,sherespondsdefensively.
Whenyou’reupagainstasituationlikethis,resisttheurgetoreact.Stayfocusedonyourultimategoalfortheconversationandbewillingtoimmediatelyletanydefensivecommentsgoforthesakeofstayingontrack.Insteadofsaying,“Sheesh!Iwasjusttryingtobenice.Don’tyouthinkyou’reoverreacting?”trythis:“Wow,itsoundslikeyouhavealotonyourplaterightnow.IsthereanythingIcandotosupportyou?”Youarefarmorelikelytogetaproductiveresponseifyouavoidyourowndefensivenessevenwhentheotherpersonisgettingdefensive.
Evenwhenthestakesdon’tseemhighatall,likewiththe“areyouokay”or“what’sup”questionsabove(ormysaladdressingincident),manyofusarequicktodefendourselves.Whenthestakesarehigh,defensivenessisallthemorelikely,sojustacceptthatnomatterhowperfectlycraftedyourmessageis,peoplemaystillresponddefensively.Assoonasyoudo,youcanstartworkingonchoosingnottoreacttodefensivenessandinsteadtosimplyletitrunitscourse.
HittingaSoftSpot
Ifyouconfrontsomebodywiththe“straightgoods”andheorsherespondsdefensively,thereisagoodchancethatyouhavetouchedonasensitiveissue.Inotherwords,theremayactuallybesometruthinwhatyouaresaying.Forexample,ifsomebodysaystomethatshebelievesIneedtospeakuptobeheardandthatIamjusttoodarnquiet,Iwouldbesurprisedbythecomment(sinceIamalittle,shallwesay,talkative),yetIwouldnotfeeldefensivebecauseIamconfidentinmybeliefthatIamanoutspokenperson.Ontheotherhand,ifshehadsaidtomethatIneedtolearntocontrolhowmuchItalkbecauseotherpeoplefeelthattheycan’tgetawordinedgewisewhenIamaround,thenIwouldbefarmorelikelytoresponddefensivelybecauseonsomelevelIalreadyknowthatmytalkativenessisnotalwaysconstructive.
Oneyear,asecretaryofminegavefeedbacktomybossformyannualperformancereview,sayingthatIwasdisorganized(whichisa“hot”term).Asyoucaneasilyimagine,Iwasquitedefensiveaboutthisfeedbackandimmediatelyturnedthetablesonher.Iclaimedthatshewasthedisorganizedone,thenIthrewinsomeextracriticismforgoodmeasure:shewasalways
wastingmyprecioustimetalkingtomeaboutherpersonalproblems.IreactedthiswaybecauseIliketothinkofmyselfasanorganizedpersonbutreally,ifIhadbeencompletelyhonestwithmyself,Iwouldhaveadmittedthatonsomelevel,mysecretarywasright.Idotendtobesomewhatdisorganized.
Whenyouaddresspeople’sshortcomings-orevenwhenyousimplyexplainyourfeelingswithoutactuallypointinganyfingersofblame-youcanexpectdefensivereactionsbecauseyouknowyou’lllikelybehittinganerve.Thosesoftspotsaren’tsomethingyoucancontrolandtheyshouldn’tpreventyoufromhavingyourtoughtalk.Justknowingtheyarethereandunderstandingwhereadefensivereactionmaybecomingfromisagoodwaytohelppreventyoufromreactingunproductivelytodefensiveresponses.
Defensiveness:anAttempttoUndermineYourPerspective
Remember,whenpeoplestartdenyingthings,makingexcuses,justifyingpoorbehaviororblamingothers,itisabigflashingwarningsignthattheyareonthedefensive-bigtime.Thesereactionsarepeople’smisguidedattemptstoconvinceyouaswellasthemselvesthattheyareblameless.Defensivenessisadesperateattempttorewritethetruth.Theyarehopingthatiftheykeepsayingsomethingistrue,somehowitwillbe.Ofcourse,themoretheyprotestortrytoconvinceyou,thelessconvincedyoubecome.Therealityisthatadefensiveresponsedoestheoppositeofwhatitsetsouttodo:itunderminesratherthanbolsterscredibility.Weareleftwonderingwhytheydon’tjusthavethecouragetoownuptothetruth.Unlessoneofyouchoosesnottogetinvolvedinthecycleofdefensiveretaliations,yourdiscussionwillquicklybecomea“winorlose”scenarioinwhichbothpartiescompetetosettherecordstraight.Yourtalkbecomesfrenziedaseachpersonpicksaparttheother’sflaweddefensiveargumentsuntilthereisnothingleftbutrawemotionsandflaredtempers.
“Inconflict,defensivenessislikebloodinthewatertoashark.Alittlehere,alittlethere,andinnotimethesituationhasdegeneratedintoafeedingfrenzy.”
-JamesW.Tamm[xx]
Ratherthanfantheflamesbyreactingtodefensivecommentsandpickingapart“untruths”orskewedstories,itisbesttolettheotherperson’sdefensivenesssimplyfizzleoutnaturally.Onceheorsheisfinishedspeaking,youwillhavetheopportunitytorespondpowerfully.Thereisnoneedtowrestle
withtheotherperson’sdefensivereactionsandthereisnochancethatanythingyoucouldsayinretaliationwouldbeproductive,anyway.
YourSkillsinAction:DefensiveDon
Let’slookatanexampleofhowtohandledefensivenessinatoughworkplaceconversation:Imagineyouhaveacolleague,Don,wholovestojokeandhavefun.Mostofthetimeyouareokaywithit,buteveryonceinawhilehegoesjustabittoofar.Inyourlastmeeting,whenyouweresuggestingcertainaccommodationsforyourupcomingconferenceinVegas,Donsnorted,“Ugh,youaresuchaprincess.Youdon’talwayshavetostayinafive-starresort,youknow.”Everyonesnickeredandyourfaceturnedthecolorofatomato.Youofferedasmalllaugh,butwiselysaidnothing.Inside,youarereallyupsetand,afterashortcooling-offperiod,youdecidetotalktoDon.
Atanappropriatetimeandplace,youdeliveryourmessage:
“Don,whenyoucalledmeaprincessinthemeetingthismorning,Ifeltreallyembarrassed.Ifyouhaveanissuewithmysuggestionofwheretostayfortheconference,Ihavenoproblemdiscussingthat.Ijusthaveaproblemwithbeingcalledaprincess.”STOPTALKING(andprepareforadefensiveresponse).
DefensiveDonrespondsbysaying,“Aw,comeon,Diane!Iwasjusthavingsomefunwithyou.Whydon’tyoulightenupandtakethecommentinthecontextinwhichitwasintended?”
DoesDon’sresponsemakeyoufeelbetterorconvinceyouthatyoudon’tknowhowtotakeajoke?Nope!WhatDonisdoingistryingtoconvinceyou(andhimselftoo)thathedidnotmakethejokeatyourexpense.Heisnotamean-spiritedguy,afterall.Toaccomplishthis,DefensiveDoncaststheblameonyoufortakinghiscommentsthewrongway.Itisreallytemptingtoreactandsaysomethinglike,“Hey,Iknowhowtotakeajoke,butyoualwaystakethingstoofar!”or“Don’ttellmeIneedtolightenup!Youneedtolearnathingortwoaboutrespectandappropriatebehavioratwork!”Thesekindsofreactionswillonlyelicitmoredefensiveresponsesthatcouldspiralintoabigblowoutandaseriouslydamagedworkingrelationship.
So,howcanyourespondpowerfullyinawaythatstickstothefactsandgetsyourpointacrosswithoutantagonizingDonfurther?Howabout:
“Itmaynothavebeenyourintentiontoembarrassme,butthatwastheimpact.Ithoughtyoudeservedtoknow.”STOPTALKING(shortandsweet!).
Now,zipitup!Choosenottosayanythingfurther.Noticethatyourcommentsconveynoblameorshame.YouaretakingownershipofyourexperienceandnotcastingjudgmentonDonforhiscomments.Youavoidretaliatingagainsthisdefensivecomments,whichhelpswindthediscussiondownmorequickly.Plus,youcomeoutoftheconversationlookingbothreasonableandconfident.Nottooshabby!
Okay,butwhatifDefensiveDonflat-outdeniescallingyouaprincessinthatmeeting?Whatifhesaysthathewouldnever,eversayanythinglikethat?Wouldyounowbeconvincedthatyouarehearingthingsorthatyoumusthavehadapsychoticepisode?Idon’tthinkso.Instead,youarelikelytobeevenmoreupsetandirritatedbecausenowDonhasaddedinsulttoinjurywithhisdenial.
Unfortunately,saying,“IknowwhatIheard,youweasel!”oraccusinghimofbeingaliarwillonlygetyouintoaheated(andchildish)yes-you-did-no-I-didn’tcirculardebatethatwillnevergoanywhere.Nomatterhowannoyedyouare,takeaquickmentaldumpandsaythisinstead:
“Iamhappytotalkabouttheissueofwhereweshouldstayattheconference.WhatyoudeservetoknowisthatIwasoffendedbythecommentsyoumade
aboutmeatthemeeting.”
Stopthere.Endofstory.Youhavemadeyourpointanddonothaveanyneedtoengagefurther.Thereisnoneedtoaccuseanyoneoflying;whetherDonrememberswhathesaidornot,nowheknowsthatyouaren’tokaywiththosekindsofcomments,whichwasyouronlyrealgoalforthisconversation.
WhatNottoDo…
Weareoftentemptedwhensomeonerespondsdefensivelytojumpintothecontentoftheexcuse,explanationorjustification.However,becausedefensivereactionsoftenequatetopeoplegraspingatstraws,ifyouindulgethosecommentsbyrespondingtotheircontent,youalmostguaranteethatyourconversationwillveerwayoffcourse.Dealingwithanotherperson’sdefensivenessisnotonlyaggravatingandupsetting,itisexhausting.
Imagineif,duringmyperformancereview,mybosshadengagedinthe
contentofmyremarksaboutmysecretarybeingdisorganizedandtoochatty.Theissueofherperformancewascompletelyofftopicbecauseweweresupposedtobetalkingaboutmyperformance.Instead,whathedid(whichwasveryeffective)wasacknowledgemyperspectiveandputhimselfinmyshoes.Hesaidsomethingalongthelinesof:“Itsoundslikeitisupsettingforyoutohavesomeonedescribeyouas‘disorganized.’Doyouthinkthereisanyvalidityinwhatshesaid?”Afteralittlehuffyfit,IwasreadytogetbackontrackanddiscusswhatIcoulddotobemoreorganizedandefficientinmypractice.Mybossstayedfocusedonhisgoalforthistoughtalkanditpaidoffforallconcerned.Takeapagefrommyboss’bookandresistthetemptationtowadeintoaperson’sexcusesorjustifications.Theywillonlyservetoderailyourconversation-notwhatyouwantafterallofyourhardworkandpreparation.
Hereisanotherexamplethatmanyofuscanrelateto:Thinkabouthowmanytimesyouhaveheardamillion-and-oneexcusesforwhysomeoneislate.Youknow,thealarmdidn’tgooff,therewasanaccidentonthebridge,thedoggotsick,someonetookthecarkeys.Veryoften,thetemptationistoprovidesomesolutionsasifweweretalkingtoourchildren,like,“Whydon’tyoubuyanewalarmclock?”or“Maybeifyougotup15minutesearlier?”Uhoh-whatwehavedonehereisvalidatetheselameexcusesforbeinglate.Trustme,otherpeopledonotneedanyhelpfromyou;theirownstorieswillsurpassanythingyoucandreamup!Nowtheconversationhasdriftedwayofftrack,andyouareprobablygettingmoreandmoreagitatedbecausenowyouaretalkingaboutthebestplacestobuyacool,tricked-outalarmclockinsteadoftheactualproblem,whichwas(oh,right)theotherperson’slateness.
Insteadofhelpingtheotherpersonjustifyhisorheractions(andvalidatethedefensiveness),yousimplyneedtolisten,thenacknowledgethatheorshehashadanumberofchallengesbeingontime.Then,onceitisyourturntospeakagain,calmlyrepeatyourexpectations.Here’show:
“Iunderstandthatthingsdocomeupfromtimetotime.WhatIhavenoticedisapatternofyoubeinglate.Myexpectationisthatyouwillbeatworkontime,so
youneedtoplanaccordingly.”STOPTALKING.
There;that’sallyouneedtosay.Iftheotherpersonreiterateshisorherexcuses,youwillsimplyneedtoreiterateyourexpectations.Staycalmandavoidgettingsuckedintothedramaofdefensivenessinordertokeepyourtalkontrack.
CutThemSomeSlack
Understandingwhypeoplereactdefensivelycantakethestingoutofanyhurtfulorupsettingthingstheysayoutofdefensiveness,whichcaninturnpreventusfromreactingorrespondinginkind.Wewanttopayattentiontothem,eveniftheyarerespondingdefensively,andacknowledgetheirconcernsandpointsofview.Bydoingso,youmaintainanatmosphereofrespect,whichallowspeopletosavefaceandprovidestimeforthemessagetosinkin.Acknowledgingorfindingsometruthinwhatapersononthedefensiveissayingcanbeverydisarming.Remembertocuttheotherpersonthesameslackyouwouldcutyourself(ormaybeevenmoreifyouareexceptionallyhardonyourself).Forexample,ifwesaysomethingthathurtssomeone,wemightsay,“Iwasprovoked;Ihadnochoice!AnyonewoulddowhatIdid,”ratherthanbeatingourselvesupforouractions.Wemessupattimesandsodoourcolleagues.Forgivingothersbothfortheiractionsandfortheirdefensesgoesalongwayinensuringthatyourconversationswillhavesuccessfuloutcomes.
Let’sputournewtoolstoworkandseehowwecanlistenthroughadefensivereactioninsomeworkplacesituations.
DealingWithaBreachofTrust:GossipingGloria
Imagineyoursurprisewhenyoufindoutthatsomethingyousaidinconfidencetoyourcoworker,Gloria,hasnotonlycomebacktoyoubutnowthestoryhastakenonawholenew,uglytwist.Whileoutforlunch,youhadtoldGloriathatyouwerefrustratedwiththetimeitwastakingtogetadvicefromHumanResourcesbecauseyouhadasituationthatyouneededtodealwithurgentlyandyourhandsweretieduntiltheygotbacktoyou.Yourinsidevoiceleakedoutandyousaid,“Aren’tweessentiallytheirclients?Aren’ttheysupposedtobeservingus?Itticksmeoffthatwealwayshavetowaitforthem!”
Thenextthingyouknow,youaregettingthecoldshoulderfromyourfriendsinHRandyouarestillwaitingfortheadviceyouneed.Whenyouaskthemwhat’sgoingon,youfindoutthattheHRdepartmentisinanuproar.Theyhaveheardthatyouthinktheyaredoingaterriblejobandareobviouslyveryupset.Youfeelsickaboutwhathashappenedandyouhaveapologizedtothem.Now,youhavetotalktoGloria.Youhaveputitoffforawhileandareatthepointwhereyoucan’tevenlookGloriaintheeyeanymore.It’sdefinitelytimetotalk.
YouareclearthatrightnowyourrelationshipwithGloriaisatstake.Youreallyfeellikeyoucannolongertrusther,whichisaproblembecauseyouworkverycloselytogether.YouwanttoletGloriaknowhowyouarefeelingandcleartheair.Itfeelstoyoulikesheisgettingawaywithsomething.Allofthisworryingandobsessingabouttheconversationisconsumingyou;youhaven’thadadecentnight’ssleepforaweekandarehavingahardtimefocusingatwork.Aspartofyourpreparationforthisconversation,youanticipatehowGloriaisgoingtoreactwhenyoudeliveryourmessage.Youaresurethatshewillbedefensiveordenythatshesaidanythingtoanyone,orshemaytellyouthatwhatshesaidhadbeenmisinterpreted.Feelingprepared,youarrangetospeaktoher.
Hereisonewaytoapproachyourconversation:
“Gloria,theHRdepartmenthasnotgottenbacktomewiththaturgentadviceIneeded.WhenIcalledtoinquire,Igotaverycoolreceptionandtheyinformedmethattheywereveryupsetatmeforsayingthattheywerenotdoingagoodjob.YouaretheonlypersonItalkedtoaboutmyconcerns.IamreallyupsetthatyousharedsomethingItoldyouinconfidence.”STOPTALKING.(Resistthe
urgetokeepyapping!)
Youthenzipitupandwait;youarereadyforadefensivereaction-andreactshedoes!GloriapredictablydeniessayinganythingtoHR;thenshechangesherstorytosaythatHRhadmisinterpretedwhatshehadsaidandgivesyouherversionofevents.Youlistencloselyandstaysilent.Gloriathentriestoconvinceyouthatsheisnotthetypeofpersonwhowouldleakasecret.Areyouconvinced?Ofcoursenot!Youlistencalmlyand,onceGloriaisfinished,yousay:
“NomatterwhatyourintentwasorwhatyouactuallysaidtoHR,IwantyoutoknowthattheresultisthatmyrelationshipwithHRhasbeennegativelyaffected
andmytrustinyouisshaken.”
ThereisnothingmoretosaytoGloriaatthispoint.Youhavemadeyourpointandrubbinghernoseinitnowwouldonlyservetosendanypositiveresultsofyourtoughtalkupinsmoke.ItisunnecessaryandunproductivetopointoutthatGloriaswitchedherstoryoraccuseherofbeingashamelessgossipbecauseitwouldlikelyembarrassherandpotentiallyspurevenmoredefensivereactions.ByallowingGloriatosavefacedespiteherdefensiveness,
yourmessagegetsheardloudandclear.
DeliveringSensitiveNews:Dress-DownDebbie
Imagineyousupervisestaffmemberswhoworkwiththepublic.Thereisnoformaldresscode,butyoudofeelthatcasualjeansandrunnersistakingcomforttoofar.Mostofyouremployeesseemtounderstandthisinstinctively,butoneemployee,Dress-DownDebbie,persistsinwearingbaggy,fadedjeansandgrass-stainedtennisshoestoworkonadailybasis.Itisn’tthatshe’sdoingabadjob,butyoufeelthatherattiredoesnotportrayyourorganizationinaprofessionallighttohercustomers.
Inaprivatemeeting,youletDebbieknowthatyouthinkherattireisinappropriatefordealingwiththepublicandyouwouldlikehertodressmoreprofessionally.Debbiereactsdefensivelyandtellsyouthatbybeingcasual,shecomesacrossasmore“relatable”toherclients.Shegoesontotellyouthatpeopleshouldnotjudgeothersbyhowtheydress.Youareabitirritatedandfeellikeblurtingout,“Look,Debbie,youcan’tcometoworklookinglikeyouarejustabouttodosomegardening!”Youresisttheurge,however,andinsteadputyourselfinhershoes(eveniftheyaregrubby)andacknowledgeherperspective.Here’show:
“Debbie,itsoundslikeyoubelievethatdressingcasuallymakesyoumoreapproachableforclientsandyoudon’tthinkothersshouldtellyouhowtodress.Ihaveadifferentperspective.Ibelievethatwearingjeansandrunningshoesdoesnotsetthekindofprofessionalimagethatwewant.Itmaynotseemfair,butmyexpectationisthatyouwillnotwearjeansorrunningshoestowork
again.”STOPTALKING.
Debbiethenwhinesthatsheisonherfeetalldayanddeservestobecomfortable.Youagreethatsheshouldbecomfortablebutyouholdfirmthatrunningshoesandjeansdonotfitthebill.Youunderstandthatcomfortisimportanttoher-hey,it’simportanttoyou,too-butshewillhavetofindmoresuitableapparelthatalsogivesherthecomfortshewantsatwork.Byreiteratingyourpointinawaythatiscalmandconcise,youcommunicateconfidenceinyourmessage-andthathelpsDebbiegetthepictureasquicklyaspossible,regardlessofherpersonalopinionsonthematter.Remember,youdon’thavetotrytochangehermind-youjusthavetocommunicateyourexpectations.
Thesewerejustafewexamplesofhowtolistenthroughanotherperson’sdefensivereactionwithoutgettingcaughtupinthedramaandpotentiallycontributingtoalong,unpleasant,unproductiveconversationorstartingthenextworldwar.Youcanlistenwithoutagreeingorgivinguponwhatisimportanttoyou.Remember,youdon’twanttogetcaughtupinadefensivereactionoryouwilllikelyendupscratchingyourhead,wonderinghowyougotsoofftrackandhowyourmessagegotlostintheshuffle.Ensureyouareheardinthefirstconversationbyavoidingindulgingtheotherperson’sdefensivenessfromtheget-go.Onceyoucandothat,younolongerhavetoworryabouthowtohandleadefensivereaction;theywillsimplyfizzleoutontheirown.
AFinalCaution
AsIwaslearningmoreaboutdefensiveness,IstartedtotalktomyfamilyandfriendsaboutitandwhatIquicklylearnedwasthattellingsomeonethattheyarebeingdefensiveisuniversallythefastestwaytocauseanintenseandimmediatedefensiveflare-up.Theonlypersonyouneedtoremindnottobedefensiveisyou;youcannotchangeotherpeople(andyoudon’thavetoinordertocommunicateyourmessage),sopleasedon’ttry.
Whensomebodyelseisbeingdefensive,IknowthatIhaveachallengeonmyhands;itistimetoshuttheduckupandpayattentiontotheotherperson,nomatterwhatIthinkaboutwhatisbeingsaid.WhenIlistenwithoutjudgment,Ihelptheotherpersonsaveface,especiallyifheorshemightfeelembarrassedbytheconversation.Ialsoremindmyselfthatwhenthedefensivenessfizzlesout,Iwillhaveanopportunitytorespondpowerfully.Listeningtoaperson’sdefensiverantdoesnotmeanyouareagreeingwithit;youaresimplybeingsmartabouthowtomanagetheconversation.Whenwelistendespitetheotherperson’sreaction,theconversationwillwrapupmuchmorequicklyandgoawholelotmoresmoothly.
TopToolstoRecall:DealingWithDefenses
-Bepreparedforadefensivereactionsoyoudon’tgetcaughtoffguard.-Knowthattheotherpersonhasreasonsforrespondingdefensively.Helphimorhersavefacebyembracingsilence,payingattentionandlistening.-Nomatterhowtemptedyouare,avoidreactinginkindorgettingcaughtupintheirexcuses,justifications,blaming,whining,etc.
-Keepyourprimarygoalintheforefrontofyourmind–itwillhelpyoutoresisttheurgetoreacttothedetails.-Whentheotherperson’sdefensivenessfizzlesout,youwillhaveanopportunitytorespondpowerfully,Ipromise.
Excellent-nowthatyouhavechosentosidesteptheotherperson’sdefensivereaction,youmaybeatthestagewhereyoucanwrapthingsup.Remember,however,thatnotallofyourconversationswillgothissmoothly(oriftheydo,pleasetellmeyoursecret!).Despiteyourbestefforts,sometimespeoplehaveunexpectedlystrongreactions:yelling,sobbing,begging,threatening...thelistgoeson.Thisputsawholenewpressureonyouthatgoesbeyondtheaveragedefensiveresponse,butdon’tworry:youarejustafewpageturnsawayfromgettingthetoolsyouneedforeventhecraziestofreactions.
Chapter10:ManagingFreak-Outs
Chapterhighlights:
-Fighttheurgetofight,fleeorfoldfromtheconversationwhentheotherpersonhasanastyblowup.
-Ignoreyourinstincts(justthisonce!).
-Diffusetalkingtimebombs:becalm,bequiet,bepresent.
Ifyouthoughtdealingwithdefensivenesswastricky,well,getreadyforanevenbiggerchallengewhenpeoplehaveevenstrongerreactions:blowups,tear-fests,shamelessbegging,insult-slingingorthreats.Theotherpersonhasgonebeyondthegarden-varietyreaction-defensiveness-andisdoingwhatItactfullyliketocall“freakingout.”Whenthishappens,anticipatedornot,it’simportanttohavetheconfidencethatwecanhandletheotherperson’sreactionandkeepourcoolsothatourtoughconversationsendupwithsuccessfuloutcomes.
Justlikewithdefensiveness,wemustremembernottofueltheotherperson’sfire.Intenseconversations,thefuelisournegativereactionstotheotherperson’sfreak-outs.Youmustchooseyourresponseswisely,whichcanbechallenging-butnotimpossible-whentheotherpersonishavingastrongemotionalreaction.
BasicInstincts
Ourmostprimalofprotectiveinstinctstellustofight,fleeorfoldwhenstaringdownthebarrelofafreak-out.Whenafreak-outoccurs,it’sreallyeasytohavethoseinstinctstriggeredandreactbeforeweevenrealizewhatisgoingon.Inchallengingconversations,itisneveragoodideatogowithyourbasicinstincts.Whentheseinstinctsaretriggered,thebloodthatourbrainsdesperatelyneedtothinkthroughthesituationclearlyandobjectivelyisdivertedtoourlargerunningmuscles.Thiswasgreatforourancestors,whohadtoeitherfleefrompredatorsorfightthem,butitisnotveryhelpfulinatenseconversationwhenweneedahigherlevelofbrainfunction.
“Alifeofreactionisalifeofslavery,intellectuallyandspiritually.Onemustfightforalifeofaction,notreaction.”
-RitaMaeBrown[xxi]
Sowhatexactlyareourtriggers?Well,theymaybecommentsfromtheotherpersonthatcallintoquestionourfairness,competence,commitment,integrity,trustworthiness,character,etc.Basically,whensomeonehasastrongemotionalreactiontoourmessage,itismorethannaturalforthesetriggerstobesetoffbecausewewanttodefendourselvesnotonlyagainstthecontentofwhatisbeingsaidbutalsoagainstthecrazinessofthefreak-outwearenowbeingconfrontedwith.
Fight,FleeorFold
Let’slookattheframeworkofthethree“Fs”thatcanundermineourabilitytosuccessfullyhangintherethroughourtoughtalksandseethemthroughtoadesirableconclusion.Wehavemadeitthisfar,sowesuredon’twanttogiveupnow!
Fight
Mostofusmanagetofightourbasicinstinctsforatime.However,astheotherperson’semotionalreactionintensifieswithjarringremarks,threats,shoutingoranythingelsethattriggersus,webecomeconvincedthatwecan’ttakethepressureanymoreandendupblurtingoutsomeaccusatory,criticalorotherwiseunhelpfulresponse.Stayingcoolhereisliketryingtostaycoolinasauna.Inthe“fight”frameofmind,ourbloodstartsboilingandourcarefullythoughtoutgoalfortheconversationvanishesbeforeourveryeyes.We’velostourcoolandgofromhopingtoachieveaproductiveresulttowantingtowin,provesomeonewrong,getbackatsomeone,protectourselvesordefendourpointsofview.
Ifyouplyotherpeoplewithanycombinationoftechniquesto“winthebattle,”theiremotionswillescalate,whichwillonlyintensifytheirattacks.Allowingourselvestofallintofightmodemeansthatnothinggetssolvedwhilebothpartiesbecomemoreandmoreentrenchedintheirperspectivesorpointsofview.Bothpeoplebecomeincreasinglymoreconvincedabouthowrighttheyareandhowabsolutelywrongtheotherpersonis.Thisisnotagreatplanforanytrickyconversationbecauseitleadstoaviciousattack-counterattackcycle.
OurdrivetofightisoneofourbasicinstinctsandhasbeenreinforcedbyallofthoseHollywoodactionmovieswelovetowatch.Unfortunately,inreallifeourbasicinstincttofightisusuallycounterproductiveanddoesnotgetustheresultswearehopingfor.Hollywoodhasledusastrayherebigtime!
MyFightStory:IneffectualEd
Manyyearsago,Iwasinvolvedinabusinessinwhichoneofthebosseshiredamanagement/financialexperttoprovidebusinessadvice.Overtime,itbecameapparenttomethatthis“expert,”whomI’llcall“IneffectualEd,”wasnotonlychargingusexorbitantfees,butthereportsandinformationhewasprovidingwereriddledwithglaringmistakes.Iwasobviouslynotseeinghisvalueinthebusiness.ItriedonanumberofoccasionstoaskIneffectualEdquestionsabouthisadviceandfees,buthewouldalwaysgivemetherunaround(onethinghewasveryeffectiveatdoing).IfinallyspoketothebossaboutmyconcernsandmyrecommendationwasthatwenolongerdobusinesswithEd.ThebosswantedproofthatEdwasnotdoingagoodjob;hethoughtEdwasaniceguyandwasnotcomfortablefiringhimwithoutgivinghimanopportunitytoexplainhimself.Infact,whathereallywantedwasformetositdownwithIneffectual
Edtoitemizemyconcernsandpointoutalloftheerrorsinthereportshehadprepared.Ugh.Talkaboutadreadedconversation!
ImeticulouslypreparedthefactsandfiguresforthemeetingwithEdandtheboss.IwasgoingtobeinthehotseatandIknewit.Butnow,Ifeltsorryfortheguy,too.Iwouldn’twanttobeonthereceivingendofatalklikethis!Ianticipatedthathemightfreakout;afterall,Iwascallingintoquestionbothhiscompetenceandhisintegrity.Duringtheconversation,Icalmlypointedoutmyconcernsonebyoneaswewentthroughmynotes.Edspentagreatdealoftimejustifyinghisnumbers,hisexpertiseandthevaluehebroughttothebusiness.Whenthatdidnotwork,hefinallylosthiscoolandaccusedmeofnotknowingwhatIwasdoing.“Youdon’thaveanyfinancialexpertise,doyou,Diane?”hefumed.“Idon’tthinkyoureallygethowbusinessesrun!”
HadEdjustquestionedmyintelligence?Hadhejustquestionedmycompetenceasabusinesswoman?Youbethehad-andIgotmybackupimmediately.Nowthefightwason.Didn’theknowIhadauniversitydegreeincommerce,nottomentionIhadgraduatedwithhonors?IbarkedthatIcouldplainlyseetheerrorsinhisnumbersandthathewascommittinghighwayrobberywithhisfees.DidhethinkIwasstupid?IhadplentyofbusinessexperienceandItoldIneffectualEdallaboutit-somaybehewastheonewhodidn’tknowwhathewasdoing!Now,IwantedhimtoadmittheerrorofhiswaysandIwasmorethanhappytotaketheglovesoffandrantandraveuntilhedid.Sufficeittosaythewholethingwasveryugly:wehurledinsultsandshoutedovereachotheruntilwewerebothredintheface.
Intheend,wedidstopworkingtogether,buttheresultcouldhavebeenthesamewithoutsomuchwastedtimeandsomanyhardfeelingsifIhadnotreactedandthrownmyselfintofightmodewhenEdhadquestionedmycompetence(clearlyahookforme!).Yes,Edhad“startedit”withanattack,butIcounterattacked-andthat’swhenthingsstartedtospiraloutofcontrol.IfIhadbeenabletokeepmycool,thenIneffectualEdwouldhavebeenabletosaveface,atleastalittle.Iwouldhavebeenwaybetteroffputtingmyselfinhisshoes(empathy)torealizehowhumiliatingthewholesituationmusthavebeenforhim.Defendingmyselfandgoingontheattackcreatedaveryuncomfortablemeetingandmademelookprettymean-spirited.Itwasanunnecessarilymessyendtoourworkingrelationship.
Flee
Ifthatwhole“fight”scenariosoundslikeatotallyunfamiliarnightmaretoyou,youmightbea“fleer,”someonewhoseinstinctistorunfromtheconversationasfastaspossiblewhenthingsheatup.Manyofusareexpertsintheartoffleeing,havinganyofthefollowingtricksupoursleeves:
-Swiftsubjectchanges,asin:“Okay,nowthatyouknowaboutyourdemotion,canwejusttalkabouttheBrooksproject?”Youmaybeinclinedtochangethesubjectwhenyouareuncomfortableandhopingthatbytalkingaboutsomethingelse,youbothwillbeabletojust“moveon.”Yeah,right.Don’tyouthinktheotherpersonmighthaveathingortwotosayabouthisdemotion?Wouldn’tyou?
-Abruptendings,suchas:“I’msorry,thisconversationisover.Iamnotpreparedtodiscussitanyfurther.”Idon’tknowaboutyou,butwhensomeonetellsmeaconversationisover,IamusuallydeterminedtokeepitgoingandIwillresorttodirtytacticsifnecessary.Peopledon’ttake“no”forananswerwellwhentheydon’tfeelthattheyhavehadanopportunitytobeheard.Don’tforgetthatyouaresupposedtobeturningtheconversationoverandreallylistening!
-Physicallyexitingtheconversation,forexample:“Sorrytobesorude,butIjustrememberedIhavetogetthisfiletothecourierby2:30.I’llbebackinasec.”Then-oops!-wecleverlyget“sidetracked”andneverreturn.Theotherpersonisn’tfooledandisannoyedthatwedidnothavethecourtesyorthecouragetofinishthediscussion.(IwillneverforgetwhenoneofmyrelativescalledtoaskhowIwas.IthadbeenadifficultdayandIstartedtosharesomeofmyfrustration.Iwasstoppedmid-sentenceandtold,“Okay,dear,that’snice.Talktoyousoon.”Thentherewasaclickontheotherendoftheline.ItfeltlikeIhadhadadoorshutinmyface!)
-Emotionallyexitingtheconversation.Thisisatrickytactic:Ontheoutsideyouappearcalm,coolandcollected,buttherealityisthatyouwouldratherbewalkingoverhotcoalsthancontinuethisconversation.Soyou“checkout,”suddenlybecomingveryinterestedinshufflingpapersonyourdesk,mentallypackingforyournextvacationormaybesilentlyhummingyourfavoriteshowtunes.Don’tthinkthisgoesunnoticedbecausetrustme,itdoesn’t.
Fleeingcangiveyousomesenseofcontrolandreliefintheshortterm,butitreallycreatesmoreproblemsinthelongrun.Byfleeing,whatyouarereally
conveyingis,“Iamuncomfortablewithyourfreak-outorreaction,sothisconversationhasofficiallyended.”Whenyoutakeastandlikethis,youhaveprettymuchguaranteedthatyourconversationisnotoverandensuredthenecessityofafollow-upconversation(ortwoorten).Why?First,everyonewantstobeheardandunderstood.Itisabasichumanneed.Second,nobodywantstobetoldwhattodoorhowthingsaregoingtogodown.Peopledefiantlyrespondtoyourflightandmayevenhuntyoudownlatertoforceyoutotalktothem.
Whetheryourconversationcontinuesrightthen(despiteyourattempttoendit)orlaterdowntheroad,fleeingbecausetheotherpersonhashadastrongreactiontoyourmessagewilllikelyintensifyhisorherattackorotherwiseescalatethebehaviorthatyoufoundintolerableinthefirstplace.Justthinkofthelasttimeyousawamothertryingtosay“no”toherthree-year-oldatthecheckoutinagrocerystore;don’texpectthatyourdifficultconversationwillgoanydifferently!Unlessyousetthestageforcommunication,youcanexpecttoddler-liketempertantrums,crocodiletears,thesilenttreatment,pouting,younameit.
Eveniftheotherpersonseemstobefinewithyouruntimelyendtotheconversation,don’tbesosure;chancesarethattheperson’sindignationwillgounderground,creatingallsortsofhavoc.Remembermybosswhoscoldedmeformyineptresearchandthenabruptlydismissedmelikeapoorlypreparedschoolgirl?Heobviouslythoughtitwasover-butIcertainlydidn’t!MytroubleswithhimboiledbeneaththesurfaceandIhadplentytosayabouthimandhisbehaviortoanyonewhowouldlisten.Thebottomlineisthatwhenyoufleeatoughtalk,allyouaredoingisdelayingtheinevitable(i.e.theremainderofyourconversation).
Fold
Imaginethepersonyouarehavingtheconversationwithrespondswithshouting,insults,pleading,flattery(otherwiseknownassuckingup)ormaybeeventhreatsinanattempttoconvinceyoutoretreatorchangeyourmind.Thepressureiskillingyouandyouwouldlovenothingmorethanforthistoughtalktojustendalready.Whenyouareunderthegun,sometimestheonlywayyouseetogetsomereliefistorelent,backdownorfold.Unfortunately,whatyouareactuallydoingwhenyouchoosetofoldiseitherslinkingawaylikeabadlybehavedpet(whenreally,youhavenoreasontofeelthatway)orgivinginlike
themomatthegrocerystorewhocavesandbuysthecandybarjusttogetherkidtostopscreaming.
Thebiggestproblemwhenwefold,especiallyinthefaceofafreak-out,isthatweenduprewardingtheverybehaviorthatmadeussouncomfortableinthefirstplace.ImagineyouhadfoldedwithWeekendWandafromchapterone(theonewithyourgrannycomingforavisit),aftershehadbeggedandthenflatteredandthenthreatenedyou,eventhoughyouhadalreadytakenthetimeoffwellinadvance.Wandawouldhavelearnedthatbyputtingthescrewsintoyou,shecouldgetyoutodowhatevershewanted,whichwouldobviouslysetyouupformoreproblemsdowntheroad.
“Anappeaserisonewhofeedsacrocodile,hopingitwilleathimlast.”
-SirWinstonChurchill
Anotherproblemwithfoldingisthatitiscumulative:itjustgetseasierandeasiertofoldeachtimeyoudoitandinveryshortorder,theotherpersoncomestoexpectit.IthinkabouthowmanytimesIhavefoldedwithmykids;nowondertheyseemyboldstatementsaboutconsequencesasidlethreats!So,whyarewetemptedtofoldwhenweknowthatweareultimatelyjustshootingourselvesinthefoot?Oneofthemainreasonsisthatwefeelsomereliefbecausetheotherpersonisecstatictobeoffthehookandtheconversationcanfeellikeit’sover.Thinkaboutatimewhenyouwantedtosay“no”tosomeone.Theotherpersonbegsandpleadsforwhatfeelslikeaneternityandfinally,outofsheerexhaustion,yourelent.Sure,thatmakestheotherpersonhappy-theygottheirway!Buthowdoyoufeel?Maybeyou’regladthattheconversationisover,butnowyou’vemadeacommitmentthatyouneverwantedinthefirstplace.Anddoyougettreatedlikeaheroforsaying“yes?”Maybeforawhile,butyoucanbetthatthenexttimethatpersonneedssomeonetodosomething,youwillbethefirstpersonthatgetscalled.
Ithinkthatmostofushavebeenthereatsomepoint.Whenwebackdown,wefeelbackedintoacorner.Weresenttheotherpersonforbeingsopersistent.Wetellourselvesthatnotonlyisthiscrappynewsituationnotourfault,itisreallyalltheirfault!Themorewethinkaboutit,themoreupsetwebecome.Wetellourselvesthatwedidn’tfoldbecausewewantedto;itwasbecausetheymadeusfoldwiththeirthreatsortearsorbegging.
Whileitdoesmakeperfectsensetoblamesomeoneelseforthewaya
conversationended,especiallywhentheywerefreakingoutatyou,it’sfarmoreproductivetolookatyourselfinthemirrorandreflectupontheroleyouplayed.Thebigcostoffoldingisthatitaffectsourrelationshipsatwork,nottomentionthepersonalrelationshipsthatourdiscontentspillsintoaswellasourownsenseofself-respect.(Ifyoufindyourselfinthisposition,rememberthatthetwo-minutewhineruleisyourfriend.Complainfortwominutestosomeoneyoutrust.Getitoffyourchestandthenfigureoutawaytoworkthingsout.)
FacingaFreak-Out:NightmareNanny
Rememberthatfoldingorotherwisebackingdownisnotgoingtosolvetheoverarchingproblemthatledyoutohaveyourconversationinthefirstplace,evenifitdoesgiveyoutheillusionofreliefintheshortterm.Ifyoudobackdown,youriskshiftingthebalanceinyourworkingrelationships,whichisespeciallyproblematicifyouareinasupervisoryormanagerialrole.
Putyourselfinthisscenario:Youareabusyworkingmomwithtwokidsandanofficetorun.Yourkidsareyoungandyou’vehiredsomeonetocomeintoyourhometolookafterthemwhileyou’reatwork.Oneevening,afteraloooongdayattheoffice,youcomehometofindthenannywatchingTV.Inherdefense,theyoungestisnappingandtheoldestisataplaydate,butyourinsidevoiceisseething:“Sheiswellpaid.Whyisn’tshedoingthelaundry,ironingorcleaningupinthekitchen?”Youstarttofeelresentfulbecauseinyourmind,youareacaringemployer.Youlethertakeyourkidstovisitherfriends,runpersonalerrandsanddohershopping-allinyourcar.Friendshavetoldyouthatyouarewaytooniceandnowyouarestartingtoagree.
Inanefforttomakeyournannygetthepicture,youhavelefthintsaboutlaundry,dishesandthemessykitchen.Youhadhopedthatwouldbedirectenough,butyourhintshaveobviouslybeentoosubtlebecausesheseemsoblivioustoyourconcernsandhappilyflipsontheTVwheneverthekidsdon’trequireherattention.Finally,youmusterupthecouragetotalkabouttheissue.AftercraftingwhatyouhopewillbeagreatABCmessage,youstarttheconversationwell,tellingheryourexpectationsandsomeofthechoresthatyouwouldlikedone.
Toyoursurprise,yournannysuddenlyandunexpectedlyhasacompletemeltdown.Shestartssobbingandaccusesyouofquestioningherintegrity.Shesaysthatitisherjobtolookafteryourchildrenandshetakesthatresponsibilityveryseriously.Ifyouwanthelpwiththehouse,shesayshaughtily,youshould
hireamaid.Youarestunnedbyherreaction,butwhatcanyoudo?Youneedher;childcareisinhighdemandandyou’reafraidofwhatmighthappenifshequits.
Soyoufold.Infact,youcrumple.Whereisthetough,no-nonsensemanageryouplaysowellbyday?Youendupapologizingforyour“unreasonable”expectationthatshedohousework.Thenyoutellherhowgratefulyouaretohaveher.Youcontemplateofferingtoupgradeyourcablepackagesoshecouldenjoyherdowntimeevenmore.Inshort,thewholesceneisprettypathetic.Now,youhavesettheprecedentthatallyournannyhastodoisshedafewtearsandnotonlywillyoubackdown,butyouwillevengooutofyourwaytomakeitupher.
Aftertheconversation,youareunderstandablyupset.Youblameyournannyfortheoutcomeofyourconversation,butyouaretheonewholostsightofyourgoalandcaved.Becauseyoufolded,therehasbeenadistinctshiftinpowerinyourworkingrelationship,eventhoughyouaretheemployer.
Whatwentwrong?Howcouldyouhaverespondedmoreproductively?Theconversationcouldhavegonealittlelikethis:
“Iappreciatethatyourpriorityisthechildrenandthatyoutakeyourroleseriously.Theyareveryimportanttomeaswell.Iwouldalsoappreciateyoudoingafewchoreswhenthebabyissleeping.YourhelpwouldmakespendingtimewithmychildrenmucheasierformewhenIgethome.”STOPTALKING.
Toreallymakeyourmessagestickandbolsteryourconfidence,makesureyouhaveyourbackupplaninplace.Itwouldbeashametoloseyournanny,sure,butchancesareshedoesn’twanttoloseherwell-paid,perk-filledjobasmuchasyoudon’twanttohavetolookforareplacement.Don’tbeintimidatedintofolding,eitherbysomeoneelse’sthreatsoryourownfearsofwhatmighthappen.Comeupwithabackupplanthatworksforyousoyoucansticktoyourgunsandnotfoldunderpressure.
BattleYourBasicInstincts
Wenowknowourbasicinstinctsarenotlikelytohelpuswhentheyaretriggeredbyanotherperson’semotionalmeltdown.Ifwerespondbyfighting,fleeingorfolding,wewillinvariablymakethingsworse.Ifyougetcaughtupintheheatofthemomentandaretemptedtocommitoneofthethree“Fs,”ask
yourselfifyoureallywanttofantheflameshere-becausethat’swhatyouaredoingwhenyouchoosetoindulgeyourbasicinstincts.Instead,givetheotherpersonsomespacetohavethebig,dramaticmeltdown.Letthefirefizzleout.Itworkswithdefensivenessanditworkswithfreak-outs,too-youjustneedalittlemoreresolve.
Sure,youmaybethinking,buthow?Thereareanumberofthingsyoucando,butifyouremembernothingelse,rememberthis:dotheoppositeofwhatyourinstinctstellyoutodo.ForthoseofyouwhoareoldenoughtobeSeinfeldfans,youmayremembertheepisode“TheOpposite,”inwhichGeorgeConstanza,whoisunemployed,hasnomoneyandliveswithhisparents,decidesthateverydecisionhehasevermadehasbeenwrongandeveryinstincthehaseverhadhasbeenflawed.HeissharingthisrevelationwithElaineandJerryintheirfavoritedinerwhenJerrysuggeststhatifeveryinstinctofhisiswrong,thentheoppositeofthoseinstinctswouldhavetoberight.Georgeisintriguedanddecidestodotheoppositeofwhathisinstinctstellhimtodoandseewhathappens.Theresultswereastounding:helandsajobwiththeNewYorkYankees,meetsabeautifulwoman,movesoutofhisparents’houseand,most
importantly,gainsconfidence![xxii]
Now,Iamobviouslynotsuggestingthatallofyourdreamswillcometrueifyouignoreyourinstincts,butbelievemewhenIsayithasbeenmyexperiencethatwhenIaminatoughtalkthatisgettingheated,doingtheoppositeofwhatmyinstinctstellmehasalwaysbeentherightthingtodo.Maybeitwon’tgetmeajobwiththeYankees,butitreallydoeshelpmeaccomplishmygoalsformydifficultconversations.
HowCanYouDiffuseTalkingTimeBombs?
“Talkingtimebombs”isthetermIliketouseforconversationsthatturnuglywhentheotherpersonfreaksout.Diffusingthesetimebombsisn’timpossibleaslongasyouareprepared.HerearesometoolsIusetohelpthefreak-outfizzleout:
1.BeCalm
Isithardtostaycalmwhensomeoneisbawlinglikeachildorscreaminginyourface?Doyouwanttoputpeopleintheirplacewhenyouknowtheyaretellingbald-facedlies?Doyoufeelthepressurewhensomeoneisthreatening
yourlivelihoodorinsultingyourintelligence?Ofcourse!Stayingcalmcanbehard,buthopefullyitwillbealittleeasierwhenyourealizethepowerithasinyourtoughtalks.Yourcalmnesscanbetheantidoteforanotherperson’sanger,frustrationorsadness-nomatterhowmelodramatictheirfreak-out.Staycalmandyourconversationwillbeabletomoveonmuchmorequickly.
2.BeQuiet
It’stoughforpeopletocontinuefreakingoutifyoudon’tkeepaddingfueltothefire.Ifyouaren’ttalking,youaren’tusingany“hot”languageorreactingdefensivelytowhatisbeingsaid,sodoyourselfafavorandjustshuttheduckup.Whenourtalksheatup,weareoftentemptedtosaythingsalongthelinesof:
-Calmdown!
-Ithinkyouareoverreacting.
-Don’tyouthinkyouareoverreacting?(Evenworse!)
-Cheerup.Thingsaren’tthatbad.
-Whoa,settledownthere.
-I’msorrythatyouareangry.
-I’msorryyou’resoupset.
Canyouimaginehowyouwouldreactifsomeonesaidsomethinglikethistoyouwhenyouwerehavingyourownfreak-out?Wouldyoucalmdown?Idoubtit;Isurewouldn’t!Nottalkingisoneofthemostefficientwaystodiffuseatalkingtimebomb.Whenyoufeellikerespondinginanyway,shapeorformtoafreak-out,don’t.Instead,embracesilenceandwatchtheflamesdiedownbeforeyoureyes.
3.BePresent
Itiscriticalthatyouremainpresentwhenpeoplearefreakingoutatyou.Don’tfiddlewithyourelectronics,turnawayorsighimpatiently.Ifyouarenotpayingattention,youwillcomeacrossasdisrespectful,whichwillonlyprolongthemeltdown.Yes,eveniftheyarebeingobnoxiousorinsanelyunfair,youmuststaypresentanddoyourbesttolistenwithoutinterrupting.Itisaboutkeepingyourtalkrespectful,evenifyoufeelintheheatofthemomentthattheydon’t
deserveyourrespect.Youareleadingbyexample.Otherpeopledon’texpectyoutoberespectfulwhentheyarefreakingoutso,whenyoudogivethemyourcarefulattention,theyarepleasantlysurprisedandunexpectedlydisarmed,whichcalmsthemdownmuchmorequickly.
“Themostpreciousgiftwecanofferanyoneisourattention...”
-ThichNhatHanh[xxiii]
RemembermystoryaboutaskingmyhubbyformoresupportsothatIcouldbetterbalancemanagingthehouseholdanddevelopingmycareer?Ifyourecall,Ihadanticipatedthathewouldbeupsetandthathisreactionmighttriggermybasicinstincts.Thosewhoknowusbestunderstandwhat“hooks”us…andwhenthingsheatupwedon’talwaysmanagetoresistthetemptation.HubbyreactedasIhadanticipated,butratherthanwadingin,arguingwithhimandblurtingoutcommentsIwouldlaterregret,Istayedpresentandchosetoembracesilence.Theresultswereincredible;thetalkingtimebombwasdiffusedandtheconversationmovedtoproductiveterritoryinrecordtime(about30seconds).Wewerethenabletohaveaproblem-solvingconversationinwhich,insteadoffeelingpittedoneagainsttheother,wewerebothonthesameteam.
Thebottomlineisthatthelessyoudoorsayinreactiontoafreak-out,thefastertheotherperson’sreactionwillfizzleoutandthesooneryouwillhavetheopportunitytoresumehavingasuccessfulconversation.Youmayfindthetoolsaboveeasytounderstandbutdifficulttoputintopractice,butIreallyencourageyoutotry.Themoretimesyoucanputyournewskillstowork,thesoonertheywillfeellikesecondnature.
SeeTheseSkillsinAction:SkiShortage
HereisasituationinwhichIwasabletostiflemyprimarybasicinstinct,whichistofightlikecrazy.Itwasnotaparticularlyhigh-stakesconversation,butitwasonewhereIwasabletoavoidfuelingthefireofadefensivereactionandreachaproductiveoutcomeasaresult.
Iwaswithmyfamilyatafabulousskiresort.Onebeautiful,sunnySaturday,wedecidedthatwewantedtoskateskifortheday.Whenwearrivedatthecross-countryskipark,wewereadvisedthatitwasverybusyandwemaynotbeabletogetskirentals.HubbyandIhadourowngearbutourkidsdidnot.
Itwasaround12:30pmsowedecidedtoforgeahead,assumingthatpeoplewouldbebringingequipmentbackfromtheirmorningoutings.Thelodgewasbusyasexpected,butanicegentlemanmeasuredupourkidsandsaidhehadequipmentforus.Itwasourluckyday...orsoIthought!
Momentslater,thefellowbehindthedeskyelledoutacrosstheroom,“No,youcannotgivetheskistothosepeople[asifwedidn’texist]!Thereareothersaheadofthem!”Wewerealittletakenaback,aswasthegentlemanwhowashelpingus.Iwenttospeaktothefellowbehindthedesktotrytoclarify.Heinformedmethatitwasthebusiestdayeverandhewasn’tsureifwewouldgetanyequipmentatall.ItoldhimIwasn’ttryingtojumpthequeue,butIwantedtounderstandthesystemtoensurewehadournamesdownwhenequipmentcameinfromthemorningskiers.Hesnippilyinformedmetherewasnosystemandbarkedoutthathehadnointentionofcreatingoneonthebusiestdayoftheyear.
Iwasstartingtogetalittleirritated.IneededtocalmmyselfsoIwouldn’tlosemycool.IswearIcouldalmosthearmytriggersgettingpulled!Sure,hewasprobablyoutoflineandmaybeIcouldhavejustifiedcallinghimrudeordisorganized.Icouldalsogointo“demandinglawyermode”(whichIdoverywell)andbehookedintoabattleofwillswithhim.ButIthoughttomyself,Okay,whatdoIreallywanthereandhowamImostlikelytogetit?Iwantedtogetequipmentandgetoutonthisbeautifulday.Ididnotwanttoruintherestofmyafternoonbyengaginginbattlewiththisguy.Keepyoureyeontheprize,Diane,Itoldmyself.IwasnotlikelytogetwhatIwantedbylosingmycool.Infact,afreak-outwouldhavealmostcertainlybackfiredbasedonhisattitudethusfar.Iencouragedmyselftoremainrespectfulandpoliteandtotrytofindawaytobeonhisside.
Itookadeepbreath,thenhereiswhatIsaid:
“IseeyouhavealotgoingonandIdon’twanttoaddtoyourstress.IamwonderingwhatIcandotosecureaspotinthequeuewithouthovering.”
Hecontinuedtobedifficultforafewmoments,repeatingthathewasn’tgoingtodevelopasystemjustformetoday.IremainedcalmandIdidnotmovefromthedesk-nofighting,fleeingorfolding.Finally,heaskedmetofilloutaformandtoldmetogoandhaveacoffeeandtheywouldcallmewhensomeskiscamein.Iobligedandtomypleasantsurprise,hecalled20minuteslatertoletusknowtheyhadskisavailableforthekids.Hubbywasveryproudofmefor
remainingsocalm;heevensaid,“Wow,thatwasawesome.Iwouldhavelostitwiththatguy!”
Yes,alotofpeoplewouldhavelostitwithaguylikethatorwhomeverthey’redealingwithinatoughconversation-andit’seasyenoughtounderstandwhy.However,youhavetokeepinmindthatyouneedareal,productivegoalforyourconversationsand“stickingittoher”or“puttinghiminhisplace”justdon’tcutit.Sure,Icouldhaveindulgedmybasicinstincttofightwiththeskirentalguy,butwhatwouldithavegottenme?Probablynothingmorethanagitation,highbloodpressureandalongdayofwhining.Itcertainlywouldn’thavegottenusanyskis!Instead,IchosetostaycalmandpresentsothatIcouldhaveasuccessfultalkandafun-filledafternoonofskiingwithmyfamily.
Whenyoucanfeelyourtriggersgettingwiggled,rememberthatyouhavemuchmorepowerthanyouthink.Youjustneedtobeawareandpreparedsothatyoucanavoidlettingyourbasicinstinctskickin.Youcanfightyourbattleorfleeorfoldfromit-oryoucandecidetostaycalmandaimforaproductiveconversation.Yougettochoose,sochoosewisely.
TopToolstoRecall:FizzlingOutFreak-Outs
-Beingpreparedforameltdowncantakethestingoutofitwhenithappensbecauseyoucanbemoredetached.-Beawareofhowyoufeelduringyourdifficultconversationssoyoudon’tfallvictimtoyourbasicinstinctswhenyouarefeelingtriggered.-Rememberyourthree“Fs:”youcan’tachieveyourgoalsifyoufight,fleeorfold.-Letthefreak-outfizzleoutbytakingcontrolanddoingtheoppositeofwhatyourinstinctstellyoutodo.Becalm,quietandpresent.
Sure,youmaybethinking,Icanseehowthisallworksonpaper,butwhataboutwhenyou’reonthefrontlines?Howareyousupposedtofightyourbasicinstinctsandstaycalmandattentivewhentheotherpersonisstandingrightinfrontofyouthrowingthebiggestfreak-outofalltime?
Ifyou’reconcernedthatyourchallengingconversationswillrequiresuperhero-caliberlevelsofwillpower,neverfear:inthenextchapter,wearegoingtotalkaboutsomehandytoolsI’velearned(alotoftimesthehardway)to
helpyoustaycalmandcollectedunderpressure.Thesetoolsareimportantbecausetheycangiveyoutheconfidencethatyoutrulycanhandleanythingthatgetsthrownyourway.Otherpeople’sfreak-outswillbenomatchforyourlegendaryabilitytostaycool,Ipromise!
Chapter11:ToolstoStayCool
Chapterhighlights:
-Understandthattheirreactionsareneverpersonal(despitewhattheysay!).
-Practicethebest“staycool”strategiesforyou:breathedeeply,observeratherthanparticipate,adoptacalmingmantraand/orplaythe“name
thathook”game.[xxiv]
Inthelastchapteryoulearnedthatitisbestnottoactonyourbasicinstinctswhentheotherpersonhasafreak-outduringyourtalk,butyoumightbewonderinghowyoucanpossiblybecalm,quietandpresentwhenfacedwithsuchextremebehavior.Althoughyourwillpowerandself-disciplinewillcertainlyhelp,theyarenotentirelyenough;knowingsometoolstostaycoolisessentialforkeepingthingsontrack.Allofthestrategieswearegoingtocovercanbeusedsinglyorinacombinationthatworksbestforyou.Theywillhelp
youtocounteryourbasicinstincts,stopyoufromfighting,fleeingorfoldingandkeepyoufocusedonthebiggerpicture:yourgoalfortheconversation.
TheirReactionsAreNeverPersonal
Ioftenhavetoremindmyselfthatcrazyreactionsarenotaboutme–theyarealwaysand100%abouttheotherperson.Whenitfeelslikepeoplearebeingdisrespectful,attackingyouormakingaccusatorycomments,remindyourselfthatitisnotpersonal.Itcanbetoughtobelieve,butIpromiseit’strue.Aperceivedpersonalattackisreallyabouttheotherpersondesperatelytryingtodeflectthe“blame”overtoyou.Nowisthetimeforyoutogivehimorhersomespaceandtimetodigestthenewsyou’vejustdelivered.Bethebiggerpersonhere.Whiletheotherpersonistakingthatmuch-neededtime,youcanthinkaboutwhattoolsyouwouldliketousetokeepyourtalkontrack.Itmayfeelunnaturalandevenpainfulatfirst,butitwillpayoffandsaveyoutimeandprobablysomesleeplessnightsinthelongrun.
“Maybeyouarethe‘cool’generation.Ifcoolnessmeansacapacitytostaycalmanduseyourheadintheserviceofendspassionatelybelievedin,thenithasmy
admiration.”
-KingmanBrewster,Jr.[xxv]
Tool#1:TakeSomeDeepBreaths
Inthepast,youmighthavedismisseddeepbreathingassomethingonlyusedbythosecrunchy-granolayogatypes...butthereactuallyissomesciencetosupportthatdeepbreathingisverycalmingandhelpskeepyougroundedandinthepresent.Asanaddedbonus,youroxygen-deprivedbrainlovestheextrashotofO2,whichmeansyouwillbeabletothinkmoreclearly.IoftenhavetoremindmyselftobreathebeforeIopenmymouth.(ImaginehowthedynamicsofaRossfamilydinnerwouldchangeifwealltookdeepbreathsbeforewestartedtalking!)
Tool#2:WatchtheDrama-Don’tParticipate
Almostallofuslovedrama.Ifwearen’thookedonasoapopera,thenwelove
drama-filledstufflikeGrey’sAnatomyorBreakingBadorHowIMetYourMotheroranyoneofthezillionsofrealityTVshows.Youcanexpectdramainyourdifficultconversations,too,althoughthestakeswillbeconsiderablyhigher.Whenwewatchourfavoriteshows,theTVusuallyhasourraptattention,yetweareonlyobservingthedramaandnotparticipating.TakeacuefromyourTVhabitsforyourtoughconversations:payattention,butdon’tparticipate.
Thinkofatimewhenyou’vebeenoutinpublic,sayatarestaurantorcoffeeshop,whenyoucouldhearthecoupleatthenexttablearguing.Youwouldn’tdreamofgettinginvolved,butcan’trestrainyourselffromeavesdropping.Inthesesituations,it’seasytobeobjectivebecauseyouareacasualobserverandnotemotionallyinvolved.Thatisthekindofobjectivitywewanttostriveforwhenthingsheatupinourowndifficultconversations.Itistricky,butentirelypossible.Thekeyistorememberthattheotherperson’sreactions-eventhegiantfreak-outs-arenomoreaboutyouthanthatcouple’sargumenttakingplaceatthenexttableorthemostrecentepisodeofTheYoungandtheRestless.Onceyouintrinsicallyunderstandthatotherpeople’sreactionsareneveraboutyouandalwaysandonlyaboutthem,itwillbeeasiertopracticenotgettinginvolvedinthedramaandinsteadsimplywatchitunfoldthenfizzleoutfromasafedistance.
Tool#3:Play“NameThatHook”
Asanobserver,it’seasiertobeonthelookoutfortheinevitable“hook,”whichiswhatotherpeoplethrowoutforyoutoreacttowhentheyaren’tgettingwhattheywant.Bewaryandbewise;theyprobablyalreadyknowhowtohookyouandwillevenchangethebaitafewtimesifnecessary.Yourtaskistobeonthelookoutforthehookandacknowledgeitinyourownmind.Youcouldsaytoyourself,“That’sinterestingthatheistryingtoappealtomysenseofprofessionalism”or“That’sinterestingthatsheistryingtoflatterme.”Ifindplayingthe“namethathook”gamepreventsmefromgoingforthebait,reactingandgettingsuckedintothedrama.Insteadofreactingtowhathasbeensaid,Icansimplynoticeitandswimonby.
Herearesomeprettycommonhookstobeonthelookoutfor:
-Flattery:Imagineyourbossbegsyou,“Nobodyelsedoesitlikeyou!Ijustcan’tmanagewithoutyou!Ifyouquit,thenit’spossiblethecompanymayfold!Please,prettyplease,can’tyoujustagreetostayontheprojectjustalittlebitlongeratleastuntilyoucantrainsomebodyelse?”Doesn’t
hegiveyouthesamespieleverytimeyoutrytoquit?Don’tfallforthisone!
Instead,youidentifythehook-appealingtoyoursenseofresponsibility-andrespondpowerfullybysaying,“Iamgladtoknowthatyouvaluemycontributions,butIamnotgoingtobeworkinghereanymorebecauseIammovingon.”
-Threatsorintimidation:Theymaybesubtle,butyouknowtheyarethere.Yourbullyofaclientsays,“Ifyoucan’tdothisrushorder,thenIwillhavetogotoyourboss.YouknowIamoneofthecompany’sbiggestclientsandIthinkyoumightwanttokeepmehappy.”Ofcourse,becauseyoupreparedfortheconversationandanticipatedyourclient’sreaction,youhavealreadyspokentoyourbossabouthavingyourback.
Youcorrectlyidentifythehook:yourclientistryingtoscareyouintodoingwhathewantswithathreat.Now,youcanconfidentlyreply,“I’msorry,buttheansweris‘no.’Ifyouwouldliketospeaktomyboss,hereishercontactinformation.”
-I’mnottheproblem,youare!(orsomevariation):Imagineyouhaveaconversationwithyourloudcoworkertolethimknowthatwhenhespeaksloudlyonthephone,itdisturbsyoutothepointofnotbeingabletoconcentrate.Hemayrespondbysaying,“Iamnotsurewhatyourproblemis;nobodyelseseemstohaveanyconcentrationissues.AmItoblameifyouhaveearslikeadog?”
Younamethehookandsaytoyourself,That’sinterestingthatheistryingtoblamemeforthis.Thenyousaycalmly,“ImayindeedhavesensitivehearingandIthinkyoudeservetoknowwhenyoutalkonthephoneitisverydisturbingtome.Iwouldappreciateitifyoucouldkeepyourvoicedown.”
-Accusingyouofbadintentions:Imagineyoursalesrepsaystoyou,“WhyareyouquestioningmyjudgmentonthetermsInegotiatedwiththesupplier?IsitbecauseyoulostthebigRoscoedealandyouwanttodeflectattentionawayfromyourself?”
Hereagain,yourecognizethehook-accusingyouoflookingforascapegoat-andcalmlyrespond,“ItsoundslikeyouaredisappointedthatwelosttheRoscoeproject.Iam,too.Itisacomplicatedandunfortunatesituation,butIamnotsurehowitisconnectedtowhatwearetalking
abouthere.PleaseknowthatinthefutureIexpecttobeconsultedabouttheproposedtermsonadealbeforeyouagreetothem.”
-Questioningyourcharacter:Let’ssayyoutalktoyourcoworkerabouthisunfortunatehabitofeatinghissmellytunasandwichesathisdeskinthesmallcubicleyoubothshare.Hesays,“Well,youeatatyourdesksometimestoo,butIneversayanything!Iamjustnotthatpetty.Youreallyshouldchillout-IhavearighttoeatwhereIwant.”
Youseethehook-accusingyouofpettiness-andrespond,“Youmakeavalidpoint.Iwillmakeaneffortnottoeatatmydesk.Theproblemformeisthesmellofthetuna.IwouldappreciateitifyouatestrongsmellingfoodinthelunchroomandIwilldothesame.”
Tool#4:AdoptaCalmingMantra
Amantraisanage-oldtoolforfocusingthemindthathasrecentlyrecapturedthespotlightthankstothingslikeyogaandmeditationbecomingtrendy.Amantraissimplyacalmingphrasethatyourepeatoverandovertoyourself.IhaveexperimentedwithadoptingamantraandIfinditveryhelpful.Theideaistocomeupwithsomethingyoucanchantsilentlytoyourselfwhenyoufeelyourselfbeingtriggeredanddon’twanttofallpreytoyourbasicinstincts.Yourmantrashouldfocusonthepositiveratherthanthenegativebecauseitismucheasiertofollowthroughon“doing”somethingthan“notdoing”something.Forexample,ifItoldyounottothinkaboutelephants-boom!-Iknowforsureyouimmediatelyhaveelephantsonthebrain.Yougetthepicture:wearemorelikelytodothe“don’t”ifthatiswhatwefocuson,solet’sfocusona“do”instead.Herearesomeideasforyourpositivemantra:
-Staycool.
-Staycalm.
-Stayfocused.
-That’sinteresting!
-Iamuptotheplate.
-Wow!
-Iamincontrol.
-Embracesilence.
-Payattention.
-Swimbythehook.
Awordofcaution:Ifyouarealone,youcanfeelfreetochantyourmantraaloud,butbecarefulaboututteringitinfrontofothersduringyourtoughtalks.Youmaybeabletogetawaywithsayingyourmantraaloudonceortwice,butifyoukeeprepeating“that’sinteresting!”or“wow!”overandoverinresponsetoeverythingtheotherpersonsays,youwillquicklydiscoverthatyourmantracanprovokeevenmorefreak-outsbecauseyouarecomingacrossasglazedoverandinattentive(likewhenyouaskyourkidswhilethey’rewatchingTViftheirhomeworkisfinishedandyougetaveryunconvincing“mmhmm”inreply).Fortunately,mantrasdoworkevensilently,sofeelfreetorinseandrepeatasmuchasneededinyourhead.
My“StayingCool”Story:Mr.ToughGuy
Hereismystoryofstayingcoolfrombackinmylegaldays,whenanotherlawyerdecidedtotakea“toughguy”approachtonegotiatingwithme.IhadreceivedasettlementofferfromMr.ToughGuythatseemedcompletelyouttolunch.ItoldmybosswhatIthoughtabouttheofferandheagreedwithmyassessment.Wedecidedthatwewouldnotmakeanykindofcounterofferbecauseitwasearlyoninthecaseandwestillhadmoreinformationtogather.
IinformedMr.ToughGuybymailthatwedidnotaccepthisoffer.Heimmediatelyfollowedupwithaphonecall,obviouslyagitatedandpushingmetoputsomekindofcounterofferonthetable.Istayedfirmanddeclinedhisdemands.Notsurprisingly,hebecameevenmoreupsetandhisreactionescalateduntilIcouldpracticallysmellthesmokecomingoutofhisearsthroughthetelephonereceiver.HewasshoutingsoloudlyandforsolongthatIactuallyputthephonedownandupdatedmyworkoutschedulewhileherantedandraved-andIcouldstillheareveryword.Luckily,Ihadtheconfidencetostaycool(talkingtomybossbeforethecallhelped)and,oncehistiradewasover,Icalmlyrepeatedthatwewouldnotbemakinganycounterofferatthistime.HehuffedandpuffedandhislastwordstomebeforeheslammeddownthephonewerethatIwould“besorry”-anemptythreat.
“Peoplewhoflyintoaragealwaysmakeabadlanding.”
-WillRogers
Thebottomlinewasthathiscombativetacticsonlyservedtounderminewhathewashopingtoachieve:atimelyandlucrativesettlement.Whenhestartedtoraisehisvoiceandcarryon,Iplayed“namethathook”andsaidtomyself,“Oh,interesting.Heistryingtointimidatemewithshoutingandthreatsbecauseheisfeelingdesperate.Iaminthedriver’sseathereandIchoosenottoreacttohistactics.”Ashewenton(andonandon),Ialsorepeatedacalmingmantratomyself:“Swimbythathook,Diane!Don’tbite!”
Mymantraandmy“namethathook”gamekeptmeontracksothatIdidn’tindulgeanyurgestoretaliateorgiveintohisdemands.DidMr.ToughGuygetwhathewanted?Nope!Infact,hisanticsgavememoreresolvetoholdmyground.Iwascalm,quietandpresentandwasabletoreiterateourdecisionnottocounterofferwithoutfighting,fleeingorfolding.
WhattoDoifYouCan’tHandletheHeat
Ifyouarereallyuncomfortablewithsomethingtheotherpersonhassaid,therearesomethingsyoucando-butfirst,rememberthatusing“hot”languageorgettingdefensivewon’twork.Avoidsayingthingslike:
-Don’ttalktomelikethat.
-Howdareyouspeaktomelikethat?!
-Youhavenorighttosaythattome!
Statementslikethesewillonlyservetogettheotherpersonmoreworkedup,evenifyoufeeljustifiedinsayingthem.(Ifyoudon’tbelieveme,justtryoneofthemoutthenexttimeyouareinaheatedconversationwithyourspouse,snippycolleagueormother...butdon’tsayIdidn’twarnyou!).Instead,tryemployingoneofthefollowingtactics:
1.Exittheconversationintheheatofthemoment.
Inthepreviouschapter,Iemphasizedhowimportantitistonotfleefromyourdifficultconversations.Here,exitingtheconversationandfleeingarenotthesamethingaslongasyouaretransparentandactuallytelltheotherpersonwhatyouaredoing.Herearesomeexamplesofwhatyoumightsay:
-IamfeelingreallyreactiverightnowandIthinkthatifwecarryon,ImightsayordosomethingIwillregret.Iamgoingtotakeafewminutesheretocooldown.
-IamtryingreallyhardtostaywithyouherebutIamstartingtofeeldefensive.Iamgoingtotakeabreak.
-Itseemslikewearegettingintodangerousterritory.Ibelieveweneedtotakeabreak.
Inthecircumstancesabove,youhavebeenworkingatyourconversationandnowarelettingtheotherpersonknowyouareyouarenotcopingwellinthemoment.Yourmessageishonestandtransparent-thesignsofagreatABCmessage-withnotraceofavoidanceorflight.
2.Gobackandaddresshowyouwerespokentoatalatertime.
WhenIsay“later,”Ireallymeanit.Waituntilyouarecalm,coolandcollected(andhopefullywhentheotherpersonistoo).Then,whenyouareready,addressanyinappropriatecommentscalmlyandwithoutjudgment.Herearesomeexamples:
-Lastweek,whenyoucalledmea“ravinglunatic,”Ifelthumiliated.
-Inourconversationtheotherday,whenyoutoldmethatIneededtogetmyacttogether,Iwasreallyembarrassed.
-IwasupsetyesterdaywhenyoutoldmethatImustnotcareaboutthequalityofmywork.Ithoughtyoudeservedtoknowtheimpactofyourwordsonme.
Keepinmindthatnowyouaredealingwithanewissue,nottheoldonethatledyoutohavetheoriginaldiscussion.Treatthisconversationasseparatefromtheoriginalconversation;craftanewABCmessage,deliveritatanappropriatetime,thenbepreparedtoactivelylisten.
Iftheotherpersonreactsinawaythatmakesyoureallyuncomfortable,remembertoshuttheduckupbecausewhateveryousaywhenyourbasicinstinctsaretriggeredisonlygoingtomakethingsworse.Whenyoulosecontrolofyourself,youloseinfluenceandpower.Youdon’twantthisconversationtogetsidetrackedandbecomeaboutsomethingstupidthatyousaid.Whenwereactinsteadofremaincalm,itunderminesourcredibilityanddetractsfromthe
importanceofourmessage.
“Nobodycanmakeyoufeelinferiorwithoutyourconsent.”
-EleanorRoosevelt
Feelfreetoexittoughconversationswhenyouneedtoanddon’tworryaboutyourdignityortheintegrityofyourmessage.Bybeingtransparentaboutyourdiscomfortandrefusingtoretaliateoutofdefensivenessoranger,youconveyconfidenceandaddpowertoyourmessage.Youwanttobeabletowalkawayfromtheconversationwithyourheadheldhigh,secureintheknowledgethatyoudidnotsinktodirtytacticsorletyourselfgetprovoked,thatinsteadyoukeptcoolandfocused.Ofcourse,theotherreasontoexerciseallofthisself-restraint(includingwalkingawaywhennecessary)isbecauseyouwantresults-andusingthesetoolswillmakeitthatmucheasiertogetwhatyouwant.
GiveYourselfaBreak:WeallMessUp!
Despiteallthegoodintentionsandtoolsintheworld,weallmessupfromtimetotime.TherearemanytimesIcatchmyselfrantingandravingandviolatingeveryprincipleIpromote.It’snotpretty.ThenIrecoverandremembertogetovermyselfbecauseanotheropportunitytodobetterisalwaysjustaroundthecorner(andoftencomessoonerthanIexpect!).
Thekeyishowyouhandleyourmistakes,notwhetheryoumakethem.Ifyousaysomethingunkindorindulgeyourbasicinstinctstofight,fleeorfold,thenstopandapologizeforwhatyousaidordidwithoutinsertinga“but”afteryourapology(asin,“IamsorryIcalledyou‘delusional,’butyouwerekindofactinglikeacrazyperson”).ThisiswhatIwouldcallanon-apologybecauseitjustnegatesthe“I’msorry”partofyoursentence.Commentslikethisdomoredamagethansayingnothingatall.(Wewilltalkmoreaboutapologiesinchapter14.)
TopToolstoRecall:StayingCool
-Remindyourselfthattheirreactionsarenotpersonal.-Observeratherthanparticipateinthedrama.Tryplaying“namethathook!”
-Adoptacalming,positivemantraforwhenthingsheatup.-Exittheconversationifyoucan’ttaketheheat.
Yay!Younowknowhowtobeabettercommunicatorthanthevastmajorityofpeopleouttherebecauseyouhavethetoolsnotjusttogetyourmessageacross,buttostaycooleveniftheotherpersonfreaksoutbigtime.Otherscantryasmuchastheywanttohookyouintoreacting,butnowyouknowbetterandwillhopefullybeabletomanageeventhetoughestoftoughconversations.Nowgetreadytokickyourlisteningskillsupanotch;whenyoudo,you’llfinditthatmuchmoreeffortlesstoguideyourconversationtowardsasuccessfulconclusion.
Chapter12:TellMeMore
Chapterhighlights:
-Whenpossible,takeyourlisteningskillsupanotch.
-Askquestionsofthe“tellmemore”variety.
-Acknowledgetheotherperson’sperspectiveandconcerns.
Warning:Thischapterisnotforthefaintofheart!Why?Well,atthispointifyoustillwanttocutsomeonedowntosizewithasarcasticorsnidecomment,thenyouarenotreadytotakeyourlisteningskillsuptothenextlevel.That’swhatthischapterisallabout–kickingupyourlisteningskillsanotchortwo.Ifyoucandoit,thebenefitspromisetobephenomenal.Ifyouarenotthereyet,that’sokay–itwillcomewithpractice.Asyougainconfidenceinhavingthesedifficultconversations,allofthiswillgeteasierandmayeventuallyevenfeel-dareIsayit-nearlyeffortless.
“Tolistenwellisaspowerfulameansofcommunicationandinfluenceastotalkwell.”
-JohnMarshall[xxvi]
Listening2.0:PowerToolstoTakeYourListeningSkillsUpaNotch
Iamabouttosharewithyousomeadditionaltoolsyoucanusetoreallypropelyourtoughconversationsintherightdirection.Ifthesefeeltoodifficultrightnow,feelfreenottousethemjustyet.Theyaren’tstrictlynecessaryforasuccessfulconversation,butkeeptheideasaroundforwhenyoudohavetheconfidencetogivethemashot,becausetheyreallycanhelp.
Tool#1:Ask“tellmemore”questions.
Picturethis:theotherpersonishavingafreak-outandyouarecalm,coolandconfident.Youmayevenbecuriousaboutwhatisgoingonfortheotherperson.Atthispoint,youmaywanttostepbackintotheconversationandasksomemorequestionstoreallygettothebottomofthings.Thencomesthereallytoughpart:listentotheanswerstoteaseoutwhatisreallygoingonfromtheotherperson’sperspective.Let’slookatsomeexamplesnow.
Iftheotherpersonsaysyouareunfair,youmightsay:
-Iamwonderingwhyyouwouldsaythat.
-TellmemoreabouthowyouthinkIambeingunfair.
Iftheotherpersonsaysthatsomethingisallyourfaultbecauseyouaredisorganized,youcouldsay:
-WouldyouexplainwhyyoufeelIamdisorganized?
-Iamwonderingwhyyouthinkthisismyfault.
Iftheotherpersonaccusesyouofnottrustinghimorher,youcouldask:
-IamnotsurehowtrustisrelatedtomyaskingaboutXYZ.Wouldyouexplain?
-Whatdoestrustmeantoyou?
Iftheotherpersonsayssomethinglike,“Youaretheonewhoisdisrespectful!”youmightrespond:
-Iamwonderingwhyyouwouldsaythat.
-PleasetellmemoreaboutwhatitisIamdoingthathasledyoutofeelthatway.
Iftheotherpersonaccusesyouofbeingdeceitfulormisleading,youcouldask:
-WhatleadsyoutosaythatIhavedeceived/misledyou?
-WouldyousaymoreaboutwhyyoufeelthatIhavedeceived/misledyou?
Iftheotherpersonsaysthatyouareunreasonable(orthatyourdecisionis),youmightwanttosay:
-Tellmemoreaboutyourthinking.
-Iamwonderingwhataboutthisdecisionseemsunreasonable.Couldyoutellmemore?
-WhathaveIdonethatyoubelieveisunreasonable?
Ifyouarehavingtroublecomingupwithjusttherightwords,trythislittlephrase(itworkslikeacharm!):
“Iamwonderingwhyyouwouldsaythat.”
It’sasimpleyetdisarmingstatement.Thekeyistosayit(oranyoftheotherstatements/questions)calmly,withconfidenceandnoattitude.Askinggoodquestionscanhelpyougettotheheartofwhatisgoingonandpavesthewaytogofromfeelingtriggeredtofeelingconfident.Askyourquestionandthenimmediatelystoptalkingandembracesilence.Focusandlistentotheotherperson’sresponses.You’vedonethisbefore,soitshouldn’tfeeltoounfamiliar,eventhoughit’scomingatalaterstageintheconversation.
Anoteofcaution:rememberthatwheneveryouspeakatthisstage,youaretakingabigrisk.Chooseyourmomentscarefully.Canyouseehowthestatementsandquestionsabovecouldbetakenthewrongwayifyouspeakwiththewrongtone?Ifthereisahintofinsincerityorsarcasminyourvoice,itwillbepickedupbytheotherpersoninstantlyandyourconversationwillgosidewaysinaheartbeat,soonlydothisifyouarefeelingconfidentthatyoucanspeakinaneutraltone.Takeadeepbreathandthinkfriendlybeforeyouaskquestionsabouttheotherperson’srude,snarkyorjudgmentalremarks.
Tool#2:Acknowledgetheotherperson’sperspectiveandconcerns.
Here’sanothertoolthatshouldsoundfamiliar:checkoutyourunderstandingof
whattheotherpersonhassaid,evenifthecommentisrude,snarky,judgmentalorjustplainmean.Clarifytheotherperson’stakeonthingssoyoudon’tgettooofftrack.Herearesomeexamples:
Afteryouhaveaskedyour“tellmemore”questionaboutbeingunfairandthenlistenedcloselytotheotherperson’srationale,youmightsay:
-Itsoundslikeyoudon’tthinkthisdecisionisfairandyouwouldlikemetochangemydecision.Isthatit?
Afteryouhaveaskedyour“tellmemore”questionaboutwhyyouwerecalled“disorganized,”youlistenintentlytotheexplanationandthensaysomethinglike:
-So,youbelievethatifIquestionyourideasinameeting,thenIamunderminingyourcredibility.Isthatright?
Afteryouhaveaskedyour“tellmemore”questionaboutnottrustingyouremployeeandyouhearhersaythatyouareaskingtoomuch,youcouldrespond:
-So,youthinkthatwhenIaskedyoutotakecareofthattask,Iwasaskingtoomuchofyou.HaveIgotitright?
Afteryouhaveaskedyour“tellmemore”questionaboutbeingcalled“deceitful,”yourcolleaguesaysthatyouarea“gloryhog.”Youmightwanttosay:
-Okay,youfeelthatIshouldhaveensuredyourworkwasgivencredit.Isthatit?
-Icanunderstandwhyyouwouldbefrustrated.Tellmemoreaboutwhatyouhadhopedtheoutcomewouldbe.
Again,ifyouaren’tsurewhattosayandstillaren’tclearontheotherperson’sperspective,justkeepitsimpleandsay:
“Tellmemore.”
WhyDoTheseTechniquesWork?
Byaskingquestionsandreallylisteningtotheanswers,youarefarmorelikelytogettotheheartofthematterandgetabetterpictureofwhereotherpeoplearecomingfrom.Whataretheirperspectives?Whataretheirconcerns?Remember,
yourgoalistolistenthroughtheir“hot”languageinordertolearntheirstories.Listenlikeachildlistenstoastoryteller:withcuriosityandnoexpectationofwhatmightcomenext.Ifwetakeotherpeople’sresponsesatfacevalue,reacttosnarkycommentsoruse“hot”languageofourown,wedon’tlearnanything.Wedon’tknowwhattheyarereallytalkingaboutorwheretheyarereallycomingfrom...andthatcanleadtoconversationsthatjustgoaroundandaroundincircles,withinsultsandjudgmentsricochetingeverywhere,withnoproductiveendinginsight.
Whenyougettothebottomofwhatisreallygoingon,notonlyareyouinabetterpositionofunderstandingtheissue,butyouhavealsoaccomplishedtheaddedbonusofmakingtheotherpersonfeelheard.Everyonewantstobeunderstoodandtakenseriously.Whenthingsgetstrainedinconversations,peoplerarelyfeelheardand,whenwedon’tfeelheard,wealsostoplistening...andwhenlisteningstops,respectfliesoutthewindow.Oncerespectisgone,well,thingsgetoutofcontrol-andnogoodcancomeofthat.
“Settinganexampleisnotthemainmeansofinfluencinganother,itistheonlymeans.”
-AlbertEinstein
Ontheotherhand,whenpeoplefeelheardintheirdifficultconversations,notonlydotheyfeelrelievedandsurprised,buttheyarealsounexpectedlydisarmed.Theywerestockpilingawholebunchof“hot”languageforafightthatnevercame.Oncepeoplearedisarmed,theirdefensestendtocomedown,thetensioneasesandthen,asifbymagic,theyaremorelikelytolistentoyourperspectiveandexpectations.Whenyoulisten,youdismantlethesenseofcompetitioninaconversation.Whenyoudon’tlisten,youaddfueltothefireandpeople’sfreak-outscancontinueindefinitely(yuck!).Makeiteasieroneveryonebychoosingtolistenthroughalloftheirblustering,ruderemarksorotherinappropriatebehavior.It’sthequickestwaytofindthelightattheendofthetunnelandachievesuccessinyourdifficultconversations.
Asyoumayhavenoticed,theskillsabovearenotsomuch“new”astheyareacontinuationofskillsyou’vealreadylearned.Whatmakesthemextratrickyisthatyouhavetoenduretheonslaughtevenlonger.Theremaybemoreinsults,morename-calling,moretempertantrums,moretears.Theballisinyourcourtasfarasremainingcalmandasking“tellmemore”questionsforasmanyroundsasittakesto(a)gettheinformationyouneedand(b)disarmtheother
personbylistening.
Let’stakealookathowwecanuseouradvancedlisteningskillsinsomefieryworkplaceconversationstoguidethemtoaproductiveconclusion.
DealingWithDisrespectfulBehavior:DragonDallas
Imagineyouarethehumanresourcesmanagerandyourdirector,DragonDallas,isknowntobepracticallyimpossibletoworkfor.Dallasisabrasive,arrogantandapparentlyfearless.Sheyellsatstaffinpublic,slamsdoorsandstompsaroundsothatmostpeoplewouldneverdaretogetinherway.YouarethehumanbufferbetweenDallasandtherestofthestaffandareprettymuchattheendofyourropedealingwitheveryone’scomplaintsabouther.AvoidingDallasoryourstaffisclearlynotgoingtowork.YoufindyourselfinanimpossiblesituationbecauseinthepastwhenyouhavetalkedtoDallasabouttheseissues,shehasinformedyouthatyoujustdon’t“getit;”shehascheckedwiththestaffherselfandthereareapparentlynoproblemsatall(asifanyonewoulddaretotellherotherwise!).
DuringthelatestDragonDallasdrama,Dallasmarchedintothereceptionarea,whichwasfullofclients,andyelledatthereceptionisttogethisacttogetherandstopputtingcallsthroughtoherbecauseshewas“toof#!%in’busy.”Thereceptionistwasobviouslydistraught,plusmorethanafewwide-eyedcustomersoverheardtheincidentandwereunderstandablyhorrified.
Thereisalotatstakehere:thiskindofbehaviornegativelyaffectsrelationshipswithintheofficeanddoesnotleaveagoodimpressionwithclients.YouknowyouhavetotalkwithDallasagain,butwhatcanyousay?ExperiencetellsyouthatDallasisgoingtoattack,minimizetheincidentandbeveryaggressive.Youarereadyforwhatevershethrowsyourway.YoumeetwithDallasanddeliveryourwellthought-outABCmessage:
“Dallas,ithascometomyattentionthatonThursdayyoucameintothereceptionareaandtoldMartininaloudvoicetogethisacttogetherandnotputcallsthroughwhenyouwereworking.IamconcernedbecauseMartinfelt
humiliatedandanumberofcustomersandstaffhavecommentedtomethattheywereveryuncomfortablewithwhathappened.”
Youstoptalkingand,withoutanyhesitation,Dallaspredictablyrespondsinacondescendingtone,tellingyouthatitreallywasn’tabigdeal.Shethen
barks,“Really,Iwishyouwouldstopbotheringmewiththeseminorthings.Idon’thavetimeforthiscrap!Don’tIpayyoutotakecareofthis?”Youknewthiswascoming(orsomevariationonthetheme),soyouhavebeenchantingyourpositive,calming,centeringmantra.Then,youacknowledgeDallas’perspective:
“ItsoundslikeyouthinkthisisaminorissueandIamoverreacting.Youwantmetodealwiththesekindsofproblemswithoutbotheringyou.Isthatit?”
Dallasyells,“Whatiswrongwithyou?Can’tyouhear?That’swhatIjustsaid!”Youdon’ttakethebait(especiallysincethehookwasaccusingyouofbadhearing,whenyoujustdemonstratedthatyouhavefabuloushearing!).Instead,youtakeadeepbreath,refocusonyourgoalandrespond:
“Ibelievethisisabiggerissue.You’reright;itismyjobtohandlethesethingsandthatiswhyIamtalkingtoyounow.Manyemployeesareintimidatedby
yourbehavior.Ibelieveitisnegativelyaffectingmoraleandourreputationwithcustomers.Iamnotsayingthatitisyourintentiontointimidateorhumiliate
people.Idobelieveattimesthoughthatthatishowyourbehaviorisexperiencedbyothers.”
ThenDallastellsyoushefeelsthatsheisbeingunfairlyjudged.Youaskhertotellyoumoreaboutthat.Shegoesonforabitaboutthecompany’sexpectationsofherandhowhardsheworks.Youpayattentionandlistentoher.Youfindouthowmuchpressuresheisunder,bothatworkandwithafewpersonalissuesonthehomefront.Sheisstrugglingtocopeandcan’taffordtoloseherjob.Youputyourselfinhershoesandacknowledgethetremendousamountofstressshemustbeunder.Thenyousay:
“Dallas,itsoundslikeyoudon’twanttointimidateorhumiliatepeople;youjustwanttogetthingsdone.Idon’tthinkitisaneither/orsituation.IamwonderinghowIcansupportyoutobeyourbestandtosoftenyourapproachwithourstaff.
Ibelievethiswillgoalongwaytowardsimprovingourbottomline.”
ThisisagoodstarttowhatmightbeanumberofconversationsthatwillhopefullymakethingsbetterforDallas,therestofthestaffand-oh,right-you,too.Rememberthatmostpeopledon’tsetouttobedifficultandmiserable;listeningandacknowledgingreallycanworkmiracles.
DealingWithRudeBehavior:GutlessGordon
Youarethevicepresidentofapublicrelationsfirm.You’velearnedthatoneofyourmanagers,GutlessGordon,sentoutanegativeemailaboutyoutotheteamandevencopiedtheCEO.Uh,hello?What’swiththisguyanyway?Doesn’theknowyou’retheflippin’VP?Youarefuriouswhenyoufindout.YoualreadythinkGordonisaworm:insecure,completelygutlessandharboringagrudgebecauseyourecentlygotthejobhewashopingfor(anddidn’tdeserve,bytheway).That’sthestoryyourinsidevoicehascreatedanditsuitsyoujustfine.However,whatarethecold,hardfacts?ThefactsarethatGutlessGordonhasindeedsentoutanemailquestioningyourleadership,inwhichhereferredtoyouas“incompetent.”Theassumptionsyouareentertainingaboutwhyhediditmaynotbethetruthbecause,afterall,youdon’treallyknowforsure.Youjustknowthatyouarenothappyaboutit,soyouprepareandthendeliveryourABCmessagetoGutlessGordon:
“Gordon,Iamconcernedaboutsomerecentcommunicationthatyousentout.IthascometomyattentionthatyousentanemailtotheteamandtheCEOinwhichyouquestionedmyleadershipandreferredtomeas‘incompetent.’Iam
notsurewhatthisisallabout.Canyoutellmewhatisgoingon?”
Youstoptalking,embracesilenceandstartlistening.Asyouhadanticipated,GutlessGordonrespondsaggressivelybyturningthetablesonyou.Hetellsyouthatheisnottheonlyonewhoisconcernedaboutyourleadershipandthatyoushouldn’tbepickingonhim.Hethinksyouhavealottolearninyournewjobandisjusttryingtobe“helpful”(yeah,right).Youaretemptedtojumpinandsaysomething,butfortunatelyyouarepreparedsoyouresisttheurge.Youfeelyoustilldon’thavethefullpicturesoyouaskaclarifyingquestionlike:
“IwonderifyoucouldtellmemoreaboutwhyyouwouldsayIamincompetentandhavealottolearn.Wouldyouelaborate?”
Thenyouembracesilenceagainandlisten.ThisquestionpromptsGordontorevealtherealreasonheisupset:Heisangrybecauseherecentlyworkedonaverysuccessfulprojectthatmadethecompanyalotofmoneyanddoesnotfeelhegotthecredithedeserved.HebelievesitwasyourresponsibilityasVPtoensurethattheCEOknewwhatagreatjobhehaddone.Now,youareinno
moodtogivethisweaselanycreditwhatsoever,butyoucalmthatinsidevoiceandputyourselfinhisshoes.Youacknowledgethatifitwereyou,youwouldbeupsettoo.So,youagreeinaneutralandcalmwaytomakesurehiscontributionisrecognizedbyeveryone,includingtheCEO.
GutlessGordonisnowdisarmed(goodjob!),butyoustillhaveafewissuestoclarify.YoutellGordonyouareopentofeedbackwhenhecomesdirectlytoyoubutsendingnegativeemailswillnotbetolerated.Ofcourseyouhaveabackupplan(disciplinaryaction),shouldthishappenagain.
SummingUp
Noteveryconversationisgoingtobetransformative,liketheDragonDallastalk,orenlightening,likewithGutlessGordon.Noteveryconversationisevengoingtohaveahappyending.However,asyouusethetoolsyouhavelearnedandgainexperienceandconfidenceinyourdifficultconversations,youwillbeabletoimproveuponbothyourskillsandyoursuccesses.Noteveryconversationwillbetiedupneatlywithaprettybow;aseriesofconversationsmayberequired,sometimesyouwillneedtoenduremultipleroundsof“tellmemore”clarificationquestionsfollowedbymorelisteningand,often,thingswon’tgoexactlyaccordingtoplan...butyouwillnevergettheoutcomesyouwantifyoudon’tgetstarted.
TopToolstoRecall:AdvancedListeningSkills
-Takeyourlisteningskillsupanotch,butonlyifyoucanbesincereinthedelivery.-Ask“tellmemore”questionstoclarify.-Acknowledgetheotherperson’sperspectiveandconcernstomakeitmorelikelythatyouwillbeheardandthatyourconversationwillremainrespectful.-Leadbyexample;whenyoucreateanatmosphereofrespect,peoplearemorelikelytobedisarmed.
Youhavebecomeamasteratembracingsilenceaswellaslisteningandaskingquestionstogettothebottomofwhatisgoingonfortheotherperson.Withthisincreasedawarenesscomesyourbestchancetomovethisconversation
forward.Ididpromisethatyouwouldhaveyouropportunitytorespond-andhereitcomes.Thetrick,ofcourse,istorespondinawaythatmovesyourconversationtowarditsproductiveconclusion,ratherthansenditskiddingintotheditch.Itcanbedone!
Step4:RespondPowerfully
Chapter13:Respond,Don’tReact
Chapter14:TheUltimatePowerTool
Chapter13:Respond,Don’tReact
Chapterhighlights:
-Resisttheurgetoreactandbecomedefensive.
-Educateothersabouttheimpactoftheirbehaviorwithoutblameorshame.
-Respondpowerfullyandappropriatelytomisunderstandings,excuses,inconsistencies,misinformationandstatementsthatyoudon’tagreewith.
Youhavebeenprettypatientuptothispoint,haven’tyou?Intheinterestofhavingasuccessfulconversation,youhavegiventheotherpersonspacetodigestyourmessage,listenedthroughreactionsandaskedclarifyingquestions.Youhavediligentlycalmedthatknow-it-allchattyinsidevoiceandthatcallousonyourlipisproofthatyoudidindeedshuttheduckup.Youprepared,anticipatedandexercisedseriousself-control.Iknowthat’salotofwork-andnowyoumaybesayingtoyourself,“Yeah,butwhataboutme?”
Now,aspromised,itisfinallyyourturntorespond.Allofyouractivelisteninguptothispointisveryimportantbecauseitnotonlyhelpsyoufigure
outwhattosay,butitalsosetsthestagefortheotherpersontoactuallyhearyourresponse.Therearetwothingstokeepinmindasyougoforwardhere:First,rememberthatbriefisstillbest;evenifyoufeelyouhavelotstosay,doeveryoneafavorandparedownyourmessagetothebareessentials.Justbecauseyouhavemanagedtopayattentionforwhatfeltlikeacenturydoesn’tmeanthatyoucanexpectthesamesuperstarlisteningskillsfromtheotherperson.Keepitbrief.Second,makesurethattheotherpersonisactuallydonetalkingasopposedtojumpinginwhenyoufeelthat“enoughisenough,already!”Listenallthewaythroughwhattheotherpersonneedstosay;thenyou’llknowthatittrulyisyourturntorespond.
ResisttheUrgetoRespondDefensively
Althoughyouhavemanagedtoembracesilencelongenoughfortheotherpersontofinishtalking,youmaybetemptedtoreactdefensivelywhenitisyourturntorespond,eventhoughyouknowbetter.Defensivenesscanbelikeatornadowhirlingupinsideofyouwhileyoulisten;it’saverynaturalinstinctthatisunfortunatelynotveryhelpfulinyourdifficultconversations.Herearesomewaysthatwesometimesdisguiseourdefensivereactionsaslegitimateresponses:
-I’mrightandyou’rewrong!
-Perhapsyoudidn’tgetit;letmetryagaintoexplainittoyou-andherearesomeextrafacts/figures/charts/graphs/research/reports/studies...
-Thatisjustnottrue!Iamnotthatkindofperson.
-Look,thisisnotmyfault.
Rememberhowitfeltwhentheotherpersonwasbeingdefensive?Youdidn’tbelieveawordofit.Well,it’sthesamestoryhere.Allyouaredoingwithdefensivenessisprolongingtheconversationandfritteringyourpoweraway.Respondingdefensivelyreignitesthefireyouworkedsohardtoputoutbecauseitelicitsmorereactionsanddefensivenessintheotherperson.Themoreyouprotest,themorequestionableyourintentionsandmotivesbecome.Youhaveworkedverydiligentlytogettothispointinyourconversations,soaskyourselfifyoureallywanttoriskunderminingyourcredibilitynow,whenyouhavecomesofar.Althoughdefensivenesscanbeveryalluring,itisnevertheanswer.
“Maintaininganauthenticpresenceisthesinglemostimportantthingyoucandotoincreaseyoureffectivenesswhenworkingtoturnconflictinto
collaboration.”
-JamesW.Tamm[xxvii]
Let’sdigalittledeeperintothedefensiveresponsesfromaboveandseewhytheyreallymustbeavoided:
1.“I’mright,you’rewrong,soletmeshowyouthelight!”
Youwanttobecarefulthatyourresponsedoesnottrytoconvincetheotherpersonthatyourdecision,perspectiveorfeelingsare“right.”YourABCmessagemayhavebeenbrilliant,butforcingpeopletoagreewithyousoyoucanmakethem“seethelight”isafantasy.Maybetheyreallydidn’tgetitthefirsttime,butthereisnochancethattheywillgetitthistime,either,ifyouadoptthequintessentiallydefensive“I’mright,you’rewrong”approach.Nomatterhowhardyoutry,yourattempttoshoveyourpositionorperspectivedowntheirunwillingthroatsisdoomedtofail.
ThinkbacktothestoryofDragonDallasinthepreviouschapter.WhatiftheofficemanagerhadtriedtoconvincedDallasthatshewas“justplaindifficult”insteadofseekingtounderstandher?WhatifshehadraisedhervoiceoverDallas’(noeasyfeat!)andshouted,“Look,lady,doyouwanttopollthewaitingroomrightnow?Everyonethinksyou’rehorrible!”Whatifshehad
casuallyleftacopyofthebookWorkingWithYouIsKillingMe[xxviii]
onherdesk?HowconvincedwouldDallashavebeenthatshewasindeeda“dragon?”Moreimportantly,howlikelywouldithavebeenthatDallaswouldchangeherways?Notvery!
Myadviceistostoppushingyourviewsonotherpeoplebecauseitsimplywillnotgetyouwhatyouwant.Peoplehatetolosefaceorbetoldtheyarewrong.Thegoalofyourtalkwasnevertoprovethatyouwereright,anyway(atleastIhopenot).Afterall,“rightness”isaprettysubjectiveconcept.Sure,itfeelsgoodtobe“right,”butitwillfeelevenbetterwhenyouknowthatyousidesteppedthatdefensiveurgeinordertoachieveyourrealgoalsfortheconversation.Rememberthat“beingright”isnotnecessaryforyoutoachieveyourgoals,sothereisnopointintryingtoforcetheotherpersontoseethingsyourway.
2.“Youjustdon’tgetit.Letmeexplainagain.”
Anotherdefensiveapproachweadoptistojustifyorrationalizeourpointsofviewbycorrectingotherpeople’sinterpretationsofthemandthenblabbingonandontoexplainthe“why”ofouractions,commentsanddecisionsinpainfuldetail.Justdon’tgothere,nomatterhowstrongthetemptation.Theywon’thearawordofyourexplanation,Icanpromiseyouthat,becausetheywillbetoobusyfeelingattackedorpatronized.
I’mnotsayingthatyoushouldn’tclarifywhatyougenuinelybelievetobeamisunderstanding,butdon’tkidyourselfintothinkingthatifotherpeopledon’tshareyourpointofview,itmustbebecausethey“justdon’tgetit.”Itisentirelypossibleforpeopletomaintaintwoopposingpointsofview,butthatdoesn’tstopyoufromsharingyourperspective.Thereisnoneedtoconvincepeoplethatyourstanceismorevalidthantheirs,sodon’twasteyourbreathwithlengthyjustificationsandrationalizations.Whenthereistrulysomethingthatneedstobeclarified,chooseaneutraltoneofvoiceandjustgettothepoint.
Hereisalittleworkscenariothatmanyofuscanrelateto:Youworkintheaccountingdepartmentandarecompletelysickof“urgentrequests.”Youhavetoldoneoftheworstoffenders,PushyPatrick,thatyouwillnotviolatepolicyandwritehimacheckwithouttheproperpaperwork.Herespondsbybegging,flatteringandtryingtoconvinceyoutodootherwise.
DoesPatricknotunderstandthepolicy?Ofcoursehedoes;hejustdoesn’tlikeit.Insteadofbeingcalmandconfident,youdefendyourdecisionbyexplaininginexcruciatingbureaucraticdetailthecompany’spoliciesandwhyyouareethicallyandmorallyboundtocomply.Notonlyisyourspeechirritating,butitalsogivesPatrickplentyofextrasemanticstoarguewithyou,whichguaranteesalengthy,tediousconversation.
Instead,youcouldhavesimplytakenadeepbreathandsaid:
“Iunderstandthatyoudon’tagreewiththispolicyandyouthinkitisunfair.YouneedtoknowthatIamnotcomfortableviolatingtherulesandIwillnotbeissuingthecheckwithouttherequiredpaperwork.Ifyoubringmetheproperpaperwork,Iwillbehappytowritethatcheckforyou.”STOPTALKING.
(Enoughsaid.)
Asyoucansee,itmakesmuchmoresense(andisfarlesspainful)tojust
gettothepointandavoiddefendingyourselfbyjustifyingyourchoices.Youcancertainlyexplainthe“why”ofyourdecisionstopeople,butdon’tbendoverbackwardsrationalizingiftheyrefusetoagreewithyourexplanation.Remember:othersdonothavetoagreewithyour“why”inorderforyourconversationstogetwheretheyneedtogo.
3.“That’snottrue!YouknowI’mnotthatkindofperson!”
Almosteveryone’sknee-jerkresponseistodefendthemselveswhensomeonecallsintoquestiontheircharacterorintegrity.Whileitistemptingtoindulgethisdefensivereaction,rememberthatthiskindofresponseisunproductiveandunlikelytochangetheotherperson’sperspective.Themoreyourepeatthatyouaretrustworthy,fair,honest,professional,etc.,thelessconvincingitsounds.Besides,thereisagoodchancethattheotherpersondidn’tevenmeanexactlywhatheorshesaid,butjustblurteditoutthankstodefensivenessandachatteringinsidevoice.Youknowwhatthat’slike,right?Thereisnopointinindulgingthosejudgmentalcommentswithadefensivereactionbecauseitwillonlyservetosendyourdiscussionoffinanunwelcomedirection.
Let’sseeifyoucanrelatetothisstoryofdenial:ImaginethatyouareamanagerandhavejustadvisedConniethatshewillnotbegoingtoanupcomingnationalmeetingbeingheldinanexoticlocationandthatFredwillbegoinginstead.Connieprotestsbecausetherearespecificpresentationsrelatedtoherworkthatshethinkssheshouldbeapartof,butyouranswerisafirm“no.”Next,apoutingConniesays,“Well,everyoneknowsthatFredisyourfavorite,soIguessit’snobigsurprisethathegetstogoandnotme!”Nowyoufeeltriggeredbecauseyourintegrityhasjustbeencalledintoquestion.YoudefendyourselfbyexplainingthatitjustsohappensthatFredhasneverhadtheopportunitytogotooneofthesemeetingsandthateachmemberoftheteamshouldgettohavetheexperience.Younatteronandon,tellingConniethatyouarealwaysasfairaspossible,thatyoudoyourbesttotreateveryonethesameandthatFredisnotyour“favorite”becauseyoudon’thave“favorites.”
Yourconversation,whichhadoriginallybeenabouttellingConnieshewasnotgoingtothismeeting,hasnowgonecompletelyofftrackandissomehowallaboutyouandyourintegrity.Yourfeelingsarehurt;Connieisfuming.Byrespondingdefensively,allyoudidwasundermineyourcredibilityandfuelConnie’soutrage.
Sowhatcouldyouhavedoneinstead?First,youcouldhavelistenedto
Connieandacknowledgedherperspectivelikethis:
“Itsoundslikeyoureallythinkthatyoushouldgotothemeetingbecausethepresentationslinkspecificallytoyourwork.Icanunderstandwhyyouwouldwanttobeapartofthesepresentations.ItsoundslikeyouareconcernedthatI
amnotbeingfair.Isthatright?“STOPTALKINGandlisten.
OnceConniehadsaidwhatsheneededtosay,youcouldhaverespondedinawaythatwasconcise,calmandconfident:
“Iunderstandthatyoudon’tthinkmydecisiontotakeFredtothemeetingisfair.Ihaveadifferentperspective.Ibelieveitisimportantforallmembersofthe
teamtoexperiencethesemeetingseveniftheyarenottheleadonthefile,sothistimeFredwillbegoing.”
Endofstory.Don’tworryaboutdefendingyourselfagainstConnie’sunkindwords;dispellingheraccusationsisunnecessarytogetyourpointacrossbecausetheydonotchangethegoalforyourconversation.
4.“Hey,Iwishthingscouldbedifferent,too,butthisreallyisn’tmyfault.”
Whenyoudon’ttakeownershipofyouractionsordecisions,ultimatelyitmakesyoulookweakandineffectual.Tellingpeoplethataworkplacedecisionwasoutofyourcontrolmaymakeyoufeelbetter,butaskyourselfthis:Doyourespectsomeonewhoblamesothers?
Let’ssaythatyouareahumanresourcesmanagerinalargeorganization.Recently,abigshakeupdecisionwasmadethatallofyourstaffwillneedtorelocatefromtheirfieldofficestoonecentralizedlocation.Youremployeeswillalleitherhavetomoveorfindanotherjob.Youhaveworkedwithsomeofthesepeopleforyears;thisisreallytoughforyou.Youletyouremployeesknowandtheyareallunderstandablyupsetandstressedoutbythedecision.Youfeelterribleaboutwhatishappeningandreallydon’twanttobeseenas“thebadguy,”soyouremindyourstaffthatthisdecisioncamefromheadofficeandthatifyoucouldhavestoppedit,youwouldhave.
Howdoyouremployeesrespond?Well,insteadofsaying,“Oh,it’sokay,thisisn’tyourfault.We’llallbefine,”likeyouhadhoped,theycontinuetogrumbleandworry-andnowyouarestartingtogetthesilenttreatment.
Thereasonthateveryoneisgivingyouthecoldshoulderisbecauseyouhavemadetheissueaboutyourfearofbeingblamedinsteadofbeingempatheticaboutwhatyouremployeesaregoingthrough.Whenyoudeflectblame-evenifsomethingreallyisn’tyourfault-itjustmakespeopleupset.
Howcouldyouhaverespondedinstead?Howabout:
“Iknowthisisnotaneasytimeforanyoneandyouhavesomedifficultdecisionsaheadofyou.IwillsupportyouinwhateverwayIcan.”
Muchbetter!Thisstatementismorelikelytogivethestaffasenseofcalmandsupport.Bynotdivertingyourconversationdownthe“thisisn’tmyfault”path,youkeepfocusedontheissueandshowthatyourespectwhatothersaregoingthrough.
Soyouseetheproblemsdefensivenesscancause,butnowyoumaybeasking,“Whataboutsettingtherecordstraight?Can’tIhavethesatisfactionofpointingoutpeople’sflawedarguments?OrwhatifI’mreallynottoblame?”Theproblemwith“settingtherecordstraight”isthatittellstheotherpersonthatyoufeeltheneedtobolsteryourmessage.Itultimatelyshowsalackofconfidence,whichunderminesyourcredibilityandpower.Lengthyexplanations,justifying,denyingandblamingjustgivetheotherpersonmorematerialtodisagreewithandargueabout.Worstofall,yourinitialmessagegetslostintheshufflebecauseyouhavelostfocusofyourgoal.
DownWithDefensiveness:FabulousFridays
Letmetellyouastoryfrommypersonallifethatshowcaseshowdefensivenesscangetintheway:
IenjoyFridayasadaytodolotsofcreativeworkinmyhomeoffice.Nooneelseisinthehouse:nokids,nohousekeeper,nohubby.Periodically,though,hubbytakesFridaysoff.He’llusehisdaytogetcaughtupinhishomeoffice,exercise,takethekidstoschool,doerrands,etc.Hisintentionsarealwaysgood.Hewantstobehelpfulandsupportive-buttherealityformeisthatwhenheishome,Idon’tgetmuchdone.Onesuchweek,hubbytoldmecheerfullyhehadthecomingFridayoffandaskedwhathecoulddotohelpout.HealsowantedtoknowifIwouldliketogotothegymwithhimandthengoforlunch,thenmaybefitinatennisgame.Iputonaweaksmileandsaid,“Let’sseehowtheweekunfolds.”
Thenextmorning,IoffhandedlymentionedtomysonthatIwasalittledisappointedthatdad’sFridayoffkindofmessedwithmyplans.Well,notonlywasthisnotanicethingtosay,especiallytomyson,butlaterthateveningwhenweallsatdowntodinner,mysonannounced,“Dad,youshouldgotoworkonFriday.Momsaidshedoesn’twantyouaroundthehousebecauseyouarealwaysmessingupherplans.”Hubbystoppedmid-chewandlookedatmewithamixofdisappointmentandhurt.AndwhatdidIdo?Ididwhatmanyofusdowhenwegetcaughtwithourpantsdown:panic!
First,Iemployedtheclassicdefensivemaneuverofdenial.Ideniedmakingthestatement,butmysonwouldhavenoneofthat-heknewwhathe’dheard!Next,Ideniedsayingitthewaymysonhadportrayedmesayingit.Ilamelysaidsomethingalongthelinesof,“No,Ididn’tsaythat.WhatIsaidwasthatitcanbedifficulttogetworkdonewhenanyoneishome;it’snothingpersonal.”Well,mysonbustedmeonthatoneaswellandinformedthetablethatthatwasnotwhatIhadsaid(ah,fromthemouthsofbabes).SothenItriedjustifyingmycomments,addinginalittlebitofblameforgoodmeasure:“Well,theproblemisthatwhenyou’rehome,youdon’trespectthatI’mworking.Youtalktooloudlyonthephone.Youexpectmetochatandwanttogotothegymtogether,playtennisandhavelunch.Ialsohavetocleanupafteryourmesses.It’sactuallymoreworkforme!”
Needlesstosay,thisconversationwasnotgoingverywell.Ihadunderminedmymessagewithdenialandstory-changing,nottomentionIhadsetabadexampleformysonandhurthubby’sfeelings.Hehadbeenexcitedaboutspendingthedayathome,hopingtohavesomequalitytimewithhiswifeandkids.Sheesh-nicelydone,Diane!
IfIhada“do-over,”thereareanumberofthingsIwouldhavedonedifferently:First,Iwouldhavekeptmyinsidevoiceatbayandnothavemadethatcommentinfrontofmyson.Second,IwouldhaveowneduptowhatI’dsaidandapologizedinsteadofgettingdefensiveandturningthetablesonmysonandhubby.Finally,Iwouldhavefoundanopportunitytochatwithmyhubby(inprivate,awayfromthekids)toclarifywhyIhadmadethecommentinthefirstplace.TheideawouldbenottogiveuponwhatIwanted,whichwastimeonmyFridaystogoaboutmyday,buttosharemyconcernswithmyhusbandsothatwecouldworksomethingouttogether.
Icouldhavesaidsomethinglike:
“Honey,IwantedtoletyouknowwhereIwascomingfromwhenImadethatcomment.IwaslookingforwardtogettingalotofworkdoneonFridayasmyweekisprettybookedup.Itwasn’tmyintentiontogiveyoutheimpressionthatIdon’tlikehavingyouaroundorappreciateyourhelp-becauseIreallydo.I’mwonderinghowwecouldschedulethesekindsofdaysgoingforwardsoweboth
cangetourneedsmet.”
LearningtoRespondPowerfully
Whatwereallywanttodoisrespondpowerfully...butwhenwegetdefensive,wefallshortofourintentions.Sinceyoucan’tchangewhatyoudon’tknow,beingawareofwhatmakesyoufeeldefensivecanhelpyoumanagethosefeelingsratherthanfallvictimtothem.Ourtriggersareoftencommentsthatcallintoquestionourfairness,integrity,competence,honesty,commitmentortrustworthiness.Remembertotryalittlepositivemantrawhenyouareuptotheplateanditistimetorespond.Choosetorespondpowerfully,notdefensively.Beconcise,calmandconfident.That’sthebestwaytogetyourmessageheard.
Ascommunicators,wearepowerfulwhenweareinfluential,effectiveandpersuasive.Thisisespeciallytrueinourmostdifficultconversations,whenwearetaskedwithrespondingpowerfullyinthefaceofanintimidatingreaction.Ifyouarenaturallyshyortimid,facingafreak-outcanseemterrifying.Howareyousupposedtostanduptoallofthatshoutingand/orcryingand/orintimidation?Justrememberthetoolsyouhavelearnedthroughoutthisbook.Zeroinonyourgoalandremainfocusedthroughoutthetalk.Pluckupthecouragetospeakanddon’tworryabouttheotherperson’sdefensivereactions-nomatterhowoff-the-wall-becausenowyouknowthatallyouhavetodoisembracesilence(nottoohardforsomeonewhoisafraidtospeak!)andlistencloselyuntilitisyourturntorespondandreiterateyourmessage.
Ontheflipside,forthoseofyouwhotendtobemore“bullinachinashop”than“wallflower,”knowthatIhavelearnedthehardwaythat“respondingpowerfully”isnotthesameas“overpoweringpeople.”Comingacrossasabrasiveordominatingisnotasmarttackforsuccessfulconversations.
“Beingpowerfulislikebeingalady.Ifyouhavetotellpeopleyouare,youaren’t.”
-MargaretThatcher
Anumberofyearsago,Itookacommunicationscourse.IthoughtIwasdoinganespeciallyterrificjobinthedifficultconversationrole-plays.Onthefinalday,myinstructorgavemesomeverycandidfeedbackonavideotapedconversationrole-play.Shedescribedmyeyecontactaslaser-likeandmypresenceandtoneasoverpowering.ShesaidmyphysicalproximitytotheotherpersonwhileIwastalkingmademeintimidating.IwassurprisedbythefeedbackbecauseIwasapparentlysayingallthe“rightwords,”butmyvoiceandbodylanguagetoldadifferentstory.TheinstructortoldmethatIneededtoworkonmyempathy(puttingmyselfintheotherperson’sshoes)andsoftenmyapproach.
Afterward,Iwaschattingwithoneofmyclassmatesaboutthefeedback,assuminghewouldprotestandtellmehowbrilliantIreallywas.Instead,hesortoflaughedandsaid,“Youknow,Diane,assoonasyouwalkedintheroomonthefirstdayofthecourse,IdecidedIwasgoingtoavoidyouliketheplague.Eventhoughyoudidnottellusyouwerealawyerinitially,itoozedoutofeveryporeofyourbody.Ifeltreallysorryforyourhusband.Iwastotallyafraidofyou!IamgladIgottoknowyoubetterbecausenowIrealizeyouareagreatlady.”
Wow!Iwassurprised!Thatday,Ilearnedthatbodylanguageissopotentthatitcansendamessagewellbeforeyouevergetthechancetoopenyourmouthduringwhatyouthinkissupposedtobeyourshottomakeafirstimpression.Iwasgratefulthatmyclassmatehadallowedhimselftogettoknowme;butwhoknowshowmanyothersinmylifejustdecidedtostayaway?
Whenwecanbemoreapproachableandless“inyourface,”itgivesustheopportunitytocreatemorepowerfulmessages.Rememberthat“power”isaboutbeingheardandsharingyourmessage,notaboutdominatingothers.Itisaboutbeingtruetoyourselfandwhatyoubelievein,withoutdiscountingotherpeopleortheirperspectives.Youwanttorespondinawaythatiscalm,conciseandconfidentwiththebigpictureinmind.
AndHowAmISupposedtoDoThat?
Itispossibletoeducateothersabouttheimpactoftheirbehaviorwithoutblameorshame-andwithoutcoweringwhilewedoit.Wecanstillholdpeopleaccountablebyexposingassumptions,biasesormisinformation.Shareyourobservationoropinion;justdoitwithoutthe“hot”andjudgmentallanguagethat
youknowwouldputyourconversationinjeopardy.Let’slookathowyoucanrespondpowerfullyinafewsamplesituationsnow:
1.Respondingpowerfullytomisunderstandings
Ifitbecomesobviousthattherehavebeenmisunderstandingsinyourtalk,don’tbeafraidtoclarifyyourmessageoraskfurtherquestionstoensurethatyouunderstandeachother.Itmaytakeafewroundsofclarifyingquestionsandgenuinelistening,buttheeffortwillpayoff.Keepinmindthatyoudon’tnecessarilywanttotakeeverythingthepersonsaysatfacevaluebecausechancesareyoumightbespeakingtoadefensiveinsidevoice.Digalittledeeperanddoyourbesttoclarifywithoutcondescension.
Insteadofthis:
-Iguessyoumisunderstoodme.Letmeexplainitagain.[Youmightaswellhavesaid,“Youareobviouslytoostupidtohavegottenitthefirsttime!”]
-Youmustnotbelistening;let’stryagain.[Soundslikeblametome!]
-Ifyouhadbeenpayingattentionatall,youwouldknowthatthatisn’twhatIsaid.[Yikes-justyikes.]
Saythis:
-ItsoundslikeIhavenotexplainedmyselfverywell.CouldIclarify?
-Itcertainlywasnotmyintentiontoimplythatyouareincompetent.Myconcernis...
-Imustnothaveexpressedmyselfwell;Idon’twanttheretobeanymisunderstandings.Iwouldliketoclarifythat...
2.Respondingpowerfullytolong-windeddefensiveflare-ups
Sometimes,aftertheotherpersonhasrespondeddefensivelyandgoneonandonandon,youmaysensethatyourmessagefelloverboardatsomepoint.Forthesakeofkeepingyourtalkontrack,besuretocalmlyandclearlyrestateyourmessage.Avoidcuttingtheotherpersonoff(nomatterhowtempting),butonceitisyourturntospeak,trytogettheconversationbackontrack.
Insteadofthis:
-Iambeingfairandmydecisionisfinal!
-Look,it’srudetobetextingnonstopandcheckingyouremailsatalunchmeeting,period.
Saythis:
-Itsoundslikeyoudon’tthinkIambeingfairhereandthatIamsinglingyouout.Ihaveadifferentperspective.
-Myexpectationisthatweareallfullyengagedatmeetingsand,forme,thatmeansnotextingorcheckingemail.
3.Respondingpowerfullytolameexcuses
Otherpeopleoftendon’ttakeresponsibilityfortheiractions,happilyofferingupalitanyofexcusesforwhytheyhaven’tdonewhattheyshouldhave.Youobviouslydon’tbuytheirrationale,butifyouattempttoaddresseverylastlameexcuse,youpracticallyguaranteethatmoredefensivenessisonitswayandthatyourconversationgoesfrom“difficult”to“never-ending.”
Insteadofthis:
-Iamsosickofallofyourexcuses!
Saythis:
-Iunderstandthatthingscomeupfromtimetotime.IalsoneedtoknowthatIcancountonyoutodowhatyoutellmeyouwilldo.Ifthereisaproblem,Ineedtoknowrightawaysothatwecandealwithit.
4.Respondingpowerfullytoinconsistentstatementsormisinformation
Wehaveallbeeninconversationsinwhichonepartygetscaughtinanuntruthandthenstartsbackpedalinglikecrazy.(Justthinkofmeinmy“FabulousFridays”story;IwouldhavebackpedaledallthewaytoChinaifIcouldhave!)Whenyoucatchpeopleinalie,itissooootemptingtonailthemtothewall;butwhenyoubackpeopleintoacorner,youcanusuallycountonthemcomingoutswinging.Honestly,didn’tyoupostponethisdifficultconversationforaslongasyoucouldjustbecauseyouwantedtoavoidthedrama?Don’tgiveinnow!Yes,
youcanletpeopleknowthatyouareawareoftheirinconsistenciesandtheimpactthattheyhavehadonyou,butthat’swhereitends.Remember,thegoalisnottoassumetheworstofpeopleorillintentionsontheirparts;thegoalistocommunicateyourawarenessoftheinconsistencyandthenmoveon.
Insteadofthis:
-Thatisnotwhatyousaid.Yousaidyoudidn’ttalktotheclient,butthatisobviouslynottrue.Maybeyoushouldgetyourstorystraightbeforeyoustartcallingmenames!
-Wow,firstit’sA,thenit’sB!Canyoueventellthetruthfromalieanymore?
Saythis:
-Ithoughtyousaidthatyouhadn’ttalkedwiththeclientinadvanceofourmeeting.Nowyoutellmethat,tomakethemeetingmoreefficient,youhadtocomeupwithaplanwiththeclient.
-WhatyoudeservetoknowisthatIamconcernedthatyouarechangingyourstorybecausetheissueisnowabouttrust,whichisabiggerconcernforme.
5.Respondingpowerfullytostatementsthatyoudisagreewith
Ofteninourdifficultconversations,peoplewillsaythingsthatwejustplaindisagreewith.Weknowthatwemustacknowledgetheirperspectivesbutwedon’twanttocomeacrossasagreeingwithwhathasbeensaid.Throughyourresponses,youcanchoosetoeitherleadyourconversationtoitsproductiveconclusionorsenditintoaskid.
Insteadofthis:
-Idisagree.
-Youareflat-outwrong.
Saythis:
-Ihaveadifferentperspective.
-Nothingwehavetalkedaboutherehaschangedmyview.
Thenfollowupwithclarificationofyourperspective,suchas:
-Itmaynothavebeenyourintentiontoshutdowncommunication,butIbelievethatthatwastheimpactwhenyourolledyoureyesandsighedatOscarinthemeetingthismorning.
Hopefullyyoucanseehowpowerfulresponsesdifferfromdefensiveresponses.Whenyouchoosetorespondpowerfully,itcanmakeyourconversationsgomuchbetter.Ofcourse,whenIsay“muchbetter,”Idon’tnecessarilymeanthattheotherpersonisgoingtobethrilledwithyournewsorthatyouwillgetwhatyouwantandeveryonewilllivehappilyeverafter.WhatIdomeanisthatwhenyoudeliveryourmessagewithclarityandthenrespondpowerfullyinawaythatiscalm,conciseandconfident,youmakereachingyourultimategoalfortheconversationthatmucheasier.
WrapItUp!
Nowthatyouhaverespondedpowerfullyandclarifiedanymisunderstandings,itistimetowraptheconversationup.“Wrappingitup”canmeandifferentthingsdependingonhowtheconversationgoes.Itreallydependsonthenatureoftheconversationinquestion.
Herearesomewaysyoumaywanttowrapitup:
-Ihavemademypositionclear.Howyoudecidetohandlethisisuptoyou.
-Let’ssummarizewhatwehavebothunderstood,here...
-Wehavetalkedaboutmanythingstoday.Iwouldlikeyoutothinkoveryouroptionsandgetbacktomebytheendofnextweek.
-Justtoclarifywhatwehavebothunderstood:youwillletmeknowifyouwillhavetroublemeetingyourdeadlinesbeforetheactualduedates.
-Let’sfollowupwiththismatterinthreedays’time.
Ifyoucan,spendalittletimethinkingaboutwhatanappropriate“wrapitup”dialoguemightlooklikeforyourparticularsituationbeforeyourdifficultconversationbegins.Asyoucansee,everyscenarioisdifferent.Choosewhatmightworkforyoursituation,aswellaswhatwouldfeelnaturalforyoutosay,thengofromthere.The“wrapitup”portionofyourconversationmaynotgo
exactlyaccordingtoplan,butbyanticipatinghowthingsmightgo,youhelpensurethatyouwon’tgetcaughtwithouttherightwords.
Althoughyourmessagemaybeabitterpilltoswallow,itcanbedeliveredinsuchawaythatthepersonyouaretalkingtofeelsheard,feelsrespectedandhastheopportunitytosaveface-justlikemyfriendScottiedidwithme.Keepinmindthatthechoicetosavefaceandrespondlessdefensivelyisentirelytheirs,justasthechoicetoreactdefensivelyorrespondpowerfullyisentirelyyours.Iobviouslycan’tguaranteethatthepeopleinyourconversationswilldisarm,calmdownandhelpyouendtheconversationmaturelyandcalmly,evenwhenyouapplyeverytoolinthisbooktoperfection.Ican’tpromisethatyouwillneverbeinterrupted,thattherewillneverbetearsorthatyourconversationswillalwaysbeassmoothassilk.
“Therealartofconversationisnotonlytosaytherightthingintherightplace,but...toleaveunsaidthewrongthingatthetemptingmoment.”
-DorothyNevill[xxix]
WhatIcanpromiseisthatwhenyousticktothesetools,youwillbeabletoleavedifficultworkplaceconversationsknowingthatyoudideverythinginyourpowertoensuretheygoaswellaspossibleandthatyoutookthehighroad,evenwhentheotherperson’sdefensivereactionsandfreak-outsweretauntingyoumercilessly.Youwillhaveconveyedyourmessageconfidently,listenedrespectfullyandrespondedpowerfully-andthat’sallyoucanaskofyourself.Therestisuptotheotherperson.
Alsokeepinmindthatwhenwehavethesekindsofinteractions,theresultswearehopingforareseldominstantaneous.Moreoftenthannot,ittakestimeandspaceforotherpeopletocalmdownandthinkaboutourperspectivesonthematterathand.Itcouldtakehours,days,weeksorlonger,andyouwillprobablyneverheartheotherpersonsaythosemagicwords:“Youknow,youwereright!”However,inalllikelihood,youwillstarttoseeachangeintheotherperson’sbehavior.Itisn’t100%guaranteed,ofcourse,andthatiswhatyourbackupplanisfor,butinmyexperience,awell-executedconversationisoftenthecatalystforpositiveandlastingchange.
TopToolstoRecall:RespondingPowerfully
-Choosenottoreacttotheotherperson.Rememberto“shuttheduckup”whennecessary!-Helptheotherpersonsavefacebyrespondingpowerfully,notdefendingortryingtoprovetheotherpersonwrong.-Respondingpowerfullygivesyouafeelingofcontrolandtheconfidenceofknowingyoucanbeproudofyourbehavior.-Choosetobecalm,conciseandconfident.Therestisuptotheotherperson.
Congratulations!Younowhaveallofthetoolsyouneedinordertoprepareforyourtoughestoftoughtalksandnavigatethemtoasuccessfuloutcome...butthereisstillonetrickleftthatcanmakeallofyourdifficultconversationsgothatmucheasier:apositiverelationship.
Whenyouhaveagoodworkingrelationshipwithanotherperson,itcanmakehavingtheseconversationseasierbecausethemutualrespectisalreadythere.Idon’tmeanthatthetwoofyouhavetobebesties,butitdoeshelpiftherelationshipisgenerallypositive.Thegoodnewsisthat(a)youcanhaveyourtoughtalkseitherway-goodrelationshipornot-and(b)itispossibletofosterpositiverelationshipsintheworkplace,evenwithpeoplewhomyoudon’tparticularlycarefor.Getreadytolearnsomepowerfulrelationship-buildingtoolsthatcantransformyoufrom“greatcommunicator”into“communicatorextraordinaire.”
Chapter14:TheUltimatePowerTool
Chapterhighlights:
-Adoptthe5:1rule.
-Learntogenuinelyappreciateyourcoworkersandcolleagues.
-Mastertheartofsaying“I’msorry.”
Theonethingthatcanmakeourdifficultconversationsawholeloteasierishavingasolidrelationshipwiththepersonwithwhomweneedtotalk.Whetherinourprofessionalorpersonallives,whenthingsarehummingalong,wedon’tseemtodomuchtalking-butthere’snoneedtowaituntilwehavesomehumungouscatastropheonourhandstoopenupthelinesofcommunication.
Aproactiveapproachisoftenmuchmoreproductive(andfarlessthreateningtotherelationship)thangoinginaftersomethingbadhashappenedandattemptingtoputthepiecesbacktogether.Youcanbeproactiveandfoster
positiveworkplacerelationshipsbybeingtransparentaboutyourgoodfeelings,praise,compliments,etc.
Wehavespentmostofthebookcoveringdifficultconversations,whichinpracticeoftenmeans“negativeconversations,”suchas:
-Deliveringsensitivenews
-Deliveringbadorsadnews
-Confrontingsomeone’srudenessordisrespectfulbehavior
-Dealingwithpoorperformance
-Saying“no”tosomeonewhoreallywantsa“yes”
Butnotallofyourimportantconversationshavetobenegative.Everyonelikestohearthattheyhavedonesomethingwell,myselfincluded(andI’mguessingyou,too!).Let’sendthingsonapositivenotebytalkingabouthowtobuildstrongworkplacerelationshipstocreateahealthier,longer-termbigpicture,whichwillultimatelyhelpsmoothoutanyfuturetoughtalks.
Adoptthe5:1Rule
AccordingtorenownedrelationshipexpertJohnGottman,the“magicratio”ofpositivetonegativeinteractionsforhappilymarriedcouples,especiallyduring
timesofconflict,is5:1.[xxx]
TherewasalsoastudypublishedinAmerican
BehavioralScientistthatfocusedonasimilarratio,onlyintheworkplace.[xxxi]
Thatstudyfoundthathighperformingteamshadaratioofpositivetonegativeinteractionsatworkof5.6:1.Inotherwords,thetwofindingsweresimilar:five-ishpositiveinteractionsforeveryonenegativeinteractionseemstobetherecipe
forharmony,bothatworkandathome.[xxxii]
Honestly,howmanyofuscansaythatwearefollowingthe5:1ruleintheworkplace?Doesn’titseemlikewespendthemajorityofourtimecomplainingaboutwhatpeoplearedoingwrong?Instead,let’sconsciouslylookforopportunitiesto“catch”peopledoingsomethingrightandthentellthemaboutit.
Yourfivepositiveactionscanmanifestinalotofdifferentways:simplethingslikebeinghumbleormoredifficultthingslikeapologizingevenwhenwe
don’twantto.Wemightseekopportunitiestodosmallfavors,suchaspickingupourcoworker’scoffeealongwithourownorhelpingourpeerssetuptheirpresentationmaterials.Itallcanhelpimproveourworkplacerelationshipsandhopefullymakeourmoredifficultrelationshipsthatmucheasier.Thisisnotaboutgivingfakecomplimentstoanyonewhowilllistenorshowingoffhowmagnanimousyouare;it’saboutasincereefforttoimprovetherelationshipsinyourworkplacethroughsimple,thoughtfulwordsandactions.
BeingGenuineIsKey
Neverlosesightofthis:whateveryoudoinanefforttoimproveyourrelationshipsmustbegenuineandcomefromtheheart.Ifyousetouttobuildyourrelationshipsinawaythatismechanicalandcontrived,peoplewillseethroughthatandyouractionsmaybeviewedasmanipulative.Peoplecanspotinsincerityfromamileaway.
“Kindnessisinourpowerevenwhenfondnessisnot.”
-SamuelJohnson
Ifyouractsofkindnessareaimedatpeoplewithwhomyoualreadyhavegoodworkingrelationships,that’sfine.Butifyourrelationshipwithyourcolleague,businesspartnerorassistantisstrained,thenbepreparedforsomepuzzledlooksorpush-backasyoufocusonthepositivewiththemandactingenuinelykindways.Holdyourgroundandchoosenottobedefensiveiftheyquestionyourmotives.Forexample,ifyousaytoyourassistant,“Ireallyappreciatethatyoucomeinearlyeverydaytogetaheadstartonyourwork,”shemaybesuspiciousofyourintentionsandgiveyoualookorsaysomethingalongthelinesof:“Ihavebeencominginearlyfor10yearsandtodayisnodifferent.”
Thetemptationistorespond,“Iwasonlytryingtobenice!Sheesh-can’tyoutakeacompliment?Whydoyouhavetobesodefensive?”Oops-somuchforyourniceness.Instead,shuttheduckuporyouwillundoallofyourgoodintentionsandsetyourselfupforasteepuphillbattleinthefuture.Weknowwhathappenswhenwebecomedefensive:itinvariablygetsustheoppositeofwhatwewant.Justembracesilence,smileatthefactthatyournicenesscaughtsomeonebysurpriseandmoveon.
WhenIteachworkshopsandwetalkaboutthe5:1rule,Iabsolutelycringe
whenmanagersspendtheirbreaktimeimmediatelyacknowledgingorthankingstaffmembersfortheirhardwork.Althoughwellintentioned,itcomesacrossasinsincerebecauseit’snotspecificenoughandit’soutofcontext-kindoflikewhenyoucomplaintoyourbeauabouthowheneverbuysyouflowersandthenthenextdayheshowsupwithagreatbigbouquet.Notveryimpressive.Thekeyistolookforrealandtimelyopportunitiestohavethesepositiveinteractions.Ifpeoplethinkyouareonlydoingitbecauseyoulearneditinaworkshoporbecauseyouwantsomethingfromthem,theywillfeelmanipulated.Chooseanappropriatetimeandalwaysrememberthatifyoucan’tbegenuine,justdon’tbother.
SimpleToolsforRelationshipBuilding
Thereareafewimportantand(mostly)painlesstoolsyoucanemploytostartfillingupyourrelationshipbankaccountsandworkingtowardsthe5:1ratio:
Tool#1:Showappreciation.
Whatis“appreciation,”anyway?Well,herearesomesynonyms:gratitude,recognition,afavorablejudgment,admiration,respect,acknowledgment.Tellpeoplewhatyouappreciateaboutthemandtheirwork.You’llneedtobespecificandabsolutelygenuine,otherwiseyoureffortswillbemeaninglessatbestandseenasamanipulativeployatworst-neitherofwhichwillhelptofillupyourrelationshipbankaccount.
Insteadofthis:
-Youdogreatwork.[Toovague.]
Saythis:
-Whenyoutookthetimetoexplaintheprocesstothoseclients,itreallyputthematease.Youareaterrificcommunicatorandareveryclient-focused.Thankyou.
Donotthinkappreciationappliesonlytoyourstafforcolleagues.Nothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth!Idon’tknowofabosswhocouldn’tusealittleappreciation.IhavefriendswhoareCEOsandVPsandtheyoftentellmehowrarelytheyhearwordsofappreciationfromtheirteams.Ourassumptionisthatpeoplewhoholdtheseesteemedpositionsmustalreadyknowtheyaresmart,capable,funny,etc.sotheyprobablydon’tneedtohearitfromus.Thisis
generallynotatalltrue;weallhaveaverybasicneedtoknowweareappreciated,thatwearedoingagoodjobandthatwearewellliked.
“Thedeepestprincipleinhumannatureisthecravingtobeappreciated.”
-WilliamJames[xxxiii]
Myadvice:giveyourboss,yourtroublesomecoworkeroryourassistantsomeappreciation,eveniftherelationshipisstrained.Youmightbesurprisedathowfaralittlekindnesscango.Anddon’tforgetthepeopleyouareclosestto!Sometimeswejustassumetheyknowhowmuchweappreciatethem,sowedon’tthinktotellthemso.Aclosefriendofmineisasurgeonandeveryyearhepersonallybakesanamazingcarrotcakeforhisassistantonherbirthday.Itisanincrediblythoughtfulthingtodoandisonewaytolethisassistantknowhowmuchhevaluesallshedoesforhim.Expressingyourappreciationdoesnothavetocostathingand,whengenuinelygiven,canmeanaworldofdifferencetotheotherperson.Whenwecansincerelyappreciatethepeopleweworkwith,itvalidateswhattheydoonthejobandpavesthewayforsmoothercommunicationdowntheroad,ifandwhendifficultsituationsarise.
AppreciationEmergency:SidtheStar
IwasteachingaworkshopinwhichIhadafrustratedhumanresourcesmanagerconfideinmethatshewasconcernedherorganizationwasabouttoloseoneofitsstaremployees,Sid.ItallboileddowntoastereotypicalbosswhodidnotshowSidtheStaranyappreciationorgratitude.AllSidwantedwassomeacknowledgementforherhardworkandappreciationforgoingtheextramileforthistoughboss,whohadareputationforgoingthroughemployeeslikeunderwear.
ThefrustratedHRmanagerhadtriedtotellthebosswhatshethoughtwasneeded,buthejustdidn’tgetit.Hehadsaidtoher,“Sidknowsthatsheisdoingagoodjob.Idon’tneedtotellher!WhatamI,hermommy?”IfonlythisbosshadunderstoodthatafewgenuinewordsofappreciationforallofSidtheStar’shardworkanddedicationcouldhavechangedhowthisemployeefeltaboutherjob,itmayhaveensuredthatSidremained“SidtheStar”andnot“Sid,theemployeewhoquitcaringbecausenoonenoticedhowhardsheworked”or“Sid,ourformeremployeewhogotscoopedupbyacompanywhovaluedhermore.”Howcouldthebosshavedonethis?
Insteadofthis:
-Sid,Ijustwantedtoacknowledgeyouandyourwork.[Blah-thisisnotspecificenoughandsoundsinsincere.]
Saythis:
-Sid,IjustwantedtoletyouknowhowmuchIappreciatedyouchangingyourplansthisweekendtotakecareoftheJonesproject.Youdidagreatjobonthereportandsavedmybuttwiththisimportantclient.Thankyou.
Rememberthatbeingspecificwithyourpraiseisbetterbecauseithelpsprovethatyourcommentsandintentionsaregenuine.
So,thisisallwellandgood,butisn’titalittlehardtoimaginebeingthiscomplimentaryandappreciativeifwehaveatroubledrelationshipwithsomeone?Yes,butitisn’timpossible.Itjusttakessomecourageandprobablyalittlebitofpride-swallowing.Despitehowdifficultourrelationshipshavebecome,ifwereallyfocusonwhatwelikeinotherpeopleandwhattheycontributetotheworkplace,wewillsurelyfindpositivethings.Then,oncewehavefoundthosethings,allwehavetodoisletthemknow.
Onegreatwaytobuildabridgeinyourmorestrainedworkplacerelationshipsisto“catch”peopledoingthingsright(versuswaitingintheshadowsforthemtoscrewup).WhenIwasworkingasalawyer,Ihadapoorrelationshipwithmysecretary(youknow,theonewhocalledme“disorganized”andwhomIaccusedofwastingmytime-bigshockerthatwedidn’tgetalong,Iknow).Mostofmyinteractionswithherrevolvedaroundmetellingherwhatshehaddonewrongandhowsheshouldchange.Notsurprisingly,shebecameincreasinglydefensiveandargumentative,accusingmeofinterferingwithherabilitytogetthingsdone.Itreallywasn’tworkingoutwellforeitherofus.
Eventually,outofdesperation,Idecidedtotryadifferenttackandmadeacommitmenttomyselftotryto“catch”herdoingsomethingwellandthenletherknowaboutit.Theresultwasnothingshortofamazing.ShestartedtosoftenherattitudetowardmeandwasmorewillingtodotheworkIgaveher.WhenIstartedtofocusonthepositive,sodidmysecretary.WhenIhadfocusedonthenegativebefore,shedidtoo.Byfocusingonwhatisgoodandworkinginyourrelationshipsinsteadofwhatiswrongandnotworking,youmayactuallybeabletomakesomeofyournegativeissuesdisappear.Thennotonlydoyoubothgetwhatyouwantintheshortterm,butwhenyoudoendupneedingtohaveatoughconversationdowntheroad(whichyouinevitablywill),itshouldbea
wholeloteasier.
Ifyouhaveastrainedworkrelationship,don’ttrytopretendthatyourtoughconversationorunfortunatealtercationnevertookplace;thelongeryoudothat,theworsethingswillget.Instead,thinkabouthowyoucanbuildabridgesothatyoucanhaveafriendly-oratleastcivil-workingrelationship.Youareprobablyinteractingwiththispersonoften,sowhynotdowhatyoucantomakeyourfutureinteractionsmorepleasantandproductive?
HelpfulHint:TheRightTimeforAppreciation
Howdoyouknowwhensomeonereallyneedstohearsomegenuineappreciation?Agoodruleofthumbisthatifyoufindyourselfsingingsomeone’spraisestootherpeople,makesureyoualsotellthepersonwhoreallydeservestohearitmost.
Tool#2:Behumble.
Humilitycanmeanalotofthings,includingthinkingmodestlyaboutouraccomplishments,awillingnesstoexposetheless-than-perfectpartsofourselves,areadinesstolearnfromothersandperhapshavingalaughortwoatourownexpense.Humilitycanstrengthenourrelationshipsbykeepingourdefensesdownandpavingthewayformoreproductiveinteractions.PleasenotethatI’mnottalkingaboutusingfakehumilitytofishforcompliments-Ihavebeenguiltyofthiskindofbehaviorandbelieveme,itisn’tarelationship-builder.Wewanttobehumbleinapositiveway;whenwecanexpressourvulnerability,thatisverypowerful.Ithasaprofoundimpactonhowothersinteractwithus.Humilityhumanizesus,underscoresourcredibilityandopensthelinesofcommunication.
“Swallowyourprideoccasionally-it’snon-fattening!
-FrankTyger[xxxiv]
Myhubby,blesshissoul,hasbeenatestinggroundformuchofmywork.Hehasbeenagoodsportandhastriedoutsomeofmytheoriesbothatworkandathome.Hubbyisasurgeonandhasalargeandbusypracticewithalotof
supportstaff.Hefoundthat,ordinarily,whenhesoughtfeedbackfromhisteamonhowhecouldimprovehismanagementstyle,healwaysreceivedverylittleconstructivefeedback.Atfirst,hetookthistomeanthateverythingmustbegoingswimmingly.Iencouragedhimtolookalittledeeper.So,hetriedanexperiment:
Hecalledanofficemeetingandaskedeveryonetocompletethefollowingsentence:“Youirritatemewhenyou...”Then,heencouragedhisstafftoitemizeallofthethingsmyhubbydidthatirritatedthem.Ittooksomeproddingandencouragementatfirst,butasthemeetingwenton,peoplebecamemoreopenandhonestaboutwhatwasgoingonforthem.Itturnedouttobeaveryeffectiveteam-buildingstrategybecausehubbyrefrainedfromleapingtohisowndefensewhenpeoplesharedtheirfrustrations.Instead,heasked“tellmemore”questionssuchas:
“Ididn’trealizethat.Wouldyoupleaseexplainalittlefurther?”
Helistened.Heclarifiedtheirconcerns.Heacknowledgedwhattheyhadsaidandhowtheyfelt.I’msureyoucanimaginethatthiswasn’teasytodo,especiallywhenthefeedbackgotalittlepersonal.However,hubbyswallowedhisprideandchosetoshuttheduckup.Andwhatwastheresult?Hemadesomechanges,butmoreimportantlyhesentthemessagetohisstaffthathecaredaboutthemandwasopentohearingtheirthoughts.Hadhubbybecomedefensive,however,theexercisewouldhavebackfiredandactuallymadewithdrawalsfromtherelationshipbankaccountbecausehewouldhaveshownthathewasn’tgenuineinbeinghumbleandhearinghisstaff’sconcerns.Ifyoucanmanagetobehumbleandremaingenuinewhilelisteningtootherpeople,you’llbuildtrustinyourrelationshipsbigtime.(Icouldnotbeprouderofthatman!)
Tool#3:Apologizewhenyouneedto.
Admitit:mostofusarereallyterribleatapologizing.Itmakesusuncomfortableandsomehowwebelievedeepdownthatifweapologize,weareunderminingourcredibility.(IfIamnotdescribingyourightnow,giveyourselfabigpatonthebackbecausebeingabletoapologizeproperlyisnosmallfeat!)Nothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth:agenuineapologycangoalongwayinenhancingworkplacerelationshipsandyourcredibility,too.
“Nobodystandstallerthanthosewillingtostandcorrected.”
-WilliamSafire[xxxv]
Anapologyismuchmorethanuttering,“I’msorry,”especiallywhenyourtoneandbodylanguagesuggestotherwise.Ifyouremembernothingelse,rememberthatahalf-bakedapologydoesmoreharmthannoapologyatall.Ifyoudodecidethatyouneedtoapologize,makesureitissincereandheartfelt.Doesn’ttheotherpersondeservetoknowthatyoumessedupandyouregretit?Whenyoucanmanageasincereapology,tensionscanevaporateandpeopledisarmlikemagic.Hopefully,knowingthepowerofagenuineandmuch-neededapologywillmakeitalittleeasierforyoutodeliverone.
Oneofthebiggestmistakesalmostallofusmakewhenweapologizeisaddingtheword“but”aftertheapology.Sometimesourintentionsaregoodandsometimesourinsidevoiceistheculprit-buteitherwayyoushouldsteerclearof“but.”
Insteadofthis:
-IamsorrythatIaskedyouifyouwereevergoingtostoptalkinginfrontofeveryone,butyouweregoingonandonandonandpeoplewerelosinginterest.Ireallywasjusttryingtobehelpful.
Saythis:
-IamsorryIaskedyouifyouwereevergoingtostoptalkinginfrontofourteam.IwasrudeandIcanunderstandwhyyouwouldbeupset.
Whenyouusetheword“but,”younegateyourapologyandthereforehavenotactuallyapologizedatall.Skipthe“but;”ifyouaresorry,youaresorry.Thereisnoneedtorationalizewhyyoudidwhatyouclaimtoregret.
Herearesomeothernon-apologiesthatdomoreharmthangoodandcertainlydonotservetoenhancetherelationship:
-I’msorryyoufeelthatway.
-I’msorryyoutookitthatway.
-I’msorryyou’reangry.
Whenyouaddtheword“you”afteryour“I’msorry,”youdiscredityour
apologybecauseyouareessentiallycommunicatingthatyouarenotactuallysorryforwhatyousaidordid,youonlywishthattheotherpersondidn’ttakeitsopersonallyorgetsoupset-andthatsendsthemessagethatyouthinktheotherpersonisoverreacting,whichcanonlyleadtodefensivereactions.Notgood.Justputyourselfintheotherperson’sshoesandaskyourselfwhatyourinsidevoicewouldbesayingifsomebodyapologizedtoyouinthisway.Ihavebeenonthereceivingendofeachofthesekindsofnon-apologies(asI’msureyouhave,aswell);alltheydoismakememoreupset!Farbettertoshuttheduckupthantoutteralamenon-apologylikeoneofthese.
Apologiesreallyfallflatwhentheyare:
-Insincere.Ifyouonlyapologizetotrytodiffuseasituationorappeasesomeonewhohasdemandedanapology,youwillnotcomeacrossasgenuineandyoumayactuallycausemoredamagetotherelationship.
-Notbackedup.Ifthereisnoeffortonyourparttomakethingsrightorchangethingsgoingforward,youenduphavingtoapologizerepeatedlyforthesamebehavior,whichmakesyourapologieshollowandmeaningless.
-Unspecific.Ifyousay,“I’msorry,”butdon’t(or,worse,can’t)saywhy,otherpeoplewillknowrightawaythatyourapologyisphonyandmaystarttothinklessofyouforattemptingtofoolthemwithafake“I’msorry.”
Okay,soweknowwhatdoesn’tworkwhenitcomestoapologizing.Let’stalkaboutthenutsandboltsofwhatdoeswork.Agoodapologyhasthreecomponentstoit:
-Ownuptowhatyouhavesaidordone.Ifyoucalledsomeone“difficult,”youmightjustwanttosay,“IamsorryIcalledyou‘difficult.’Itwasunkindofme.”
-Ownuptohowtheotherpersonisaffectedbywhatyouhavesaidordonewithoutexcuses,suchas:“Icanunderstandwhythatwouldbotheryou.”
-Makeacommitment,eithertotheotherpersonortoyourself,forthingstobedifferentinthefuture.Fortheapologytobesincereyouhavetochangeyourbehaviorgoingforward.If,fiveminutesaftertheapology,yourepeatthebehavior,thenyourapologyismeaningless.
It’salsoessentialthatyouonlyapologizeifyoutrulymeanit.Ifyoudon’tmeanit,don’tapologize.Rememberthatthegoalhereistofosterbetterworkplacerelationshipsbyshowingappreciationandbeinggenuine-andnothingislessappreciativeormoredisingenuousthananinsincereapology.
“Itiseasiertoeatcrowwhileit’sstillwarm.”
-DanHeist[xxxvi]
Whenyoudiscoverthatyouhavemadeamistake,thebestthingtodoistomakeamendsASAP.Idon’twanttoimplythatalateapologyisworsethannoapology,becausethatcertainlyisn’ttrue,butapologiesdotypicallyneedtobetimelyinordertohavethemostimpact.Justlikewithtoughtalks(andformanyofus,apologiesdefinitelyqualifyastoughtalks),thecloseryoucanrespondtotheactinquestion,themoreeffectivethatresponsewillbe.
Herearesomeexamplesofgreatapologiestogetyoustarted:
-I’msorryIcalledyou“delusional.”Thatwasarudethingtosay.Itwon’thappenagain.
-Iapologizeformytoneduringourconversation.Irealizethatitmadeitdifficultforyoutocommunicatewithme.
-Iapologizeformakingthe“princess”commentinthemeeting.Icanunderstandwhyyouwereupset.[Thenyouinwardlycommittokeepingyoursnarkyjabstoyourself.]
-I’msorryIyelledatyouformessingupthefigures.NotonlydidIbehaverudely,Iwaswrong.InthefutureIwilltryhardertocontrolmytemper.
-I’msorryforsayingyouwerewastingtimeandtellingyoutouseyourcommonsense.Thatwasaninappropriatewaytoexpressmyconcerns.
TopToolstoRecall:BuildingRelationships
-Adoptthe5:1rule-fivepositiveinteractionsforeveryonenegativeinteraction.Buildupthoserelationshipbankaccounts!-Showappreciation,behumbleandapologizewhenyouneedto.
-Begenuine.Always,always,alwaysbegenuine.-Neverstoptrying…eveniftheyaredefensiveorsuspiciousofyourintentions.Perseverancepaysoff!
Canyouhearthecheersandfanfare?Greatjob!Youhavelearnedeverythingyouneedtoknowtototallytransformyourdifficultconversationsintheworkplace.Ihopeyouareveryproudofyourself-youhavejustaccomplishedsomethingthatalotofpeopleavoidfortheirentirelives!
Now,allyouhavetodoisputyournewfoundskillsintopracticeoutintherealworld.Don’tworryifyouaren’tperfectatityet.Weallmessup(IknowIdo,frequently!).Thepointisthatyouaretrying-andpracticemakesperfect!
“Thereismorehungerforloveandappreciationintheworldthanthereisforbread.”
-MotherTeresa
Rememberthatallofusstrivetofulfillourbasichumanneedstobeheard,tobeappreciatedandtoberespected.Whenyouhavethatwisdomtuckedinyourbackpocket,youcantakeitconfidentlyintotheworkplaceanduseittocreatesomeseriouslyproductiveconversations.Preparetoamazeyourselfwithwhatyoucanaccomplishsimplybycommunicating,listeningandrespondingwithoutjudgment.Awholenewworldofsmootherrelationshipsandpleasantworkingenvironmentsawait!
Bestoflucktoyou!
YourElephantintheOffice“CheatSheet”
-Beprepared.Cooldownandfocusonthefacts,thencraftyourABCmessage:accurate,briefandclear.
-Becurious.Youcan’tchangewhatyoudon’tknowandneithercanothers.Listenattentivelyandletgoofbeing“right.”Expecttolearnsomethingnew.
-Bedirect.Peoplewouldratherhearthetruthevenifithurts.Nospinning.
-Beneutral.Noblameor“hot,”judgmentallanguage.Avoidreactingtodefensiveness.Thisisn’tpersonal.
-Bebrief.Don’toverwhelmpeoplewithtoomuchinformation.Sticktoyourgoal.
-Beproud.Choosenottoget“hooked”evenwhenprovoked.Itpaystotakethehighroad.
-Bepatient.Gratificationisseldominstant.Watchthefruitsofyourlaborunfoldbeforeyou.
-Beproactive.Don’twaitforissuestocropup.Fosterpositiveworkingrelationshipsbyapologizingwhennecessaryandshowinggenuineappreciation.
Acknowledgments
IfirstwanttothankScottieWright:Becauseofyouthisbookhasbeenwritten.Youchangedmylifeforeverandstartedmeonajourneyofawarenessandself-discovery.Yourdifficultconversationswithmewereamodelforhowthingscouldbedoneandtheyhaveinspiredmetobetheverybest“me”possible.Youhavegivenmetheopportunitytofindmypassionandshareitwithothers.
ToJacquieHowardson:Youhavebeenwithmethroughoutthisride...namechanges,conceptchanges,storychangesandalltheotherchanges!Youwrote,re-wroteandre-wroteagainandyoumademelaughasyou“spicedup”mystories.
ToKathrynCalhounatwww.wickedcopy.ca:Trulythisbookwouldneverhavebeencompletedwithoutyourbrilliantwritingandediting.Youbroughtafreshperspectiveandyoutruly“get”whatI’mtryingtodo.Youshowedmehowtomakemypersonalitycomethroughonthepagesothiscouldbeabookthatisinvitingandapproachable.Yourock!
Tomymuch-lovedgroupofsupportiveandcaringfriends(youknowwhoyouare):Icountonyoutokeepmegoing,makemelaughandkeepmesane.IknowIcanalwayscountonyoursupport,yourwisdomandthegiftyougivemeofshowingmemybestself.
TomysisterCathyManson:Thisprojectwouldneverhavebeencompletedwithoutyou.Youtookcareofmundanedetails,stayeduphalfthenightwritingandre-writingandkickedmeinthebuttwhenIwasreadytoquit.YouwereoneofmyearliestandmostdifficultconversationsandIwillbeforevergratefulthatyouwereopenandwilling.Youshowedmethattrulyoneconversationcantotallytransformarelationship.Youcanreadmymind(whichisnosmallfeat)andIknowyouareoneofmygreatestcheerleaders.
Mybiggestthankyouisformyfamily:TomysonsRobertandJameswhohaveenduredmymanyabsences,myhidingoutintheofficeandlivingthroughthedramainvolvedinwritingthisbook.TomyhusbandBill:youhavegivenmeyourunconditionalsupporttoworkonthisprojectwithoutexpectationsofmybusiness.YouallowedyourselftobeaguineapigasIlearnedwhatIneededtolearnandyougraciouslyallowedmeto“feature”youinmanyofmystories.YoursupportasIchasemydreammeanstheworldtome.Thankyou.
RecommendedReading
Belowisalistofmyfavoritebooks.Thesearefabulousreadsthathaveallinspiredand/ortaughtmeinonewayortheother.Irecommendyoureadthemall!
Stone,Douglas.Patton,Bruce.Heen,Sheila.DifficultConversations.NewYork:PenguinBooks,2010.
Ury,William.ThePowerofaPositiveNo.NewYork:BantamDell,2007.
Fisher,Roger.Ury,William.Patton,Bruce.GettingtoYes.NewYork:PenguinBooks,1991.
Fisher,Roger.Shapiro,Daniel.BeyondReason.NewYork:PenguinBooks,2006.
Scott,Susan.FierceConversations.NewYork:BerkleyBooks,2002.
Patterson,Kerry.etal.CrucialConversations.NewYork:McGrawHill,2002.
Issacs,William.Dialogue:TheArtofThinkingTogether.NewYork:Doubleday,1999.
Tarvis,Carol.Aronson,Elliot.MistakesWereMade(ButNotbyMe).Orlando:HarcourtInc.,2007.
StrandEllison,Sharon.TakingtheWarOutofOurWords.Oregon,Wyatt-MacKenziePublishingInc.,2009.
Crane,ThomasG.TheHeartofCoaching.SanDiego,FTAPress,2002
CopyrightNotice
©ElephantConversationsLtd.
www.dianeaross.com
www.elephantconversations.comPublishedbyElephantConversationsLtd.
THEELEPHANTINTHEOFFICE:Super-SimpleStrategiesforDifficultConversationsatWork.Allrightsreserved.Thisbookmaynotbereproducedinwholeorinpart,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronicormechanical,includingphotocopying,recording,orbyanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystem,withoutwrittenpermissionfromtheauthor.
Editorialservices:KathrynCalhoun,www.WickedCopy.caIllustrations:NelsonDewey,www.NelsonDewey.comISBN978-0-9918113-1-1
Endnotes
[i]CheckouttheprogramsatHarvardLawSchool:www.pon.harvard.edu
[ii]ZigZiglarwasawell-knownmotivationalspeakerandauthorwhomwe’ve
quotedafewtimesthroughoutthisbook!Checkouthiswebsiteatwww.ziglar.com.
[iii]Quoteisderivedfrom:Steakley,John.Armor.NewYork,DawBooks,1984.
[iv]Brazilianlosesmorethanhearing:BBCNews,WorldEdition(August20,
2003).http://news.bbc.co.uk/w/healthy/3169049.stn
[v]AnthonyJ.D’AngeloistheauthorofRichGrad,PoorGrad.Youcanfind
outmoreabouthisworkathttp://www.collegiate-empowerment.org
[vi]RichardPascaleisabusinessconsultant,scholarandthebestsellingauthor
ofThePowerofPositiveDeviance:HowUnlikelyInnovatorsSolvetheWorld’sToughestProblems.
[vii]MartinaNavritalovaisafamoustennisplayerandtheauthorofseveral
books.Checkoutherwebsiteat:www.martinanavritalova.com
[viii]Alda.Alan.ThingsIOverheardWhileTalkingtoMyself.NewYork.
RandomHouse,2007(Kindleversion).RetrievedfromAmazon.com(lines250-253).
[ix]SeeKathy’sawesome,oft-quotedwordsat
http://running.about.com/od/runninghumor/tp/goalsettingquotes.01.htm
[x]FitzhughDodson(1923-1993)wasaworld-famouspsychologist,lecturerand
author.HewrotemanybooksincludingTheArtofBeingaParent.
[xi]FranklinP.JoneswasaPhiladelphiareporterbestknownforwritinghuge
numbersofoften-quotedhumorousandinsightfulanecdotesandsayingsthroughouthiscareer.
[xii]H.JacksonBrownJr.isthebestsellingauthorofLife’sLittleInstruction
Book,VolumesI,II,III.Nashville:ThomasNelson(KindleVersion).RetrievedfromAmazon.com.
[xiii]DavidLivingstone(1813-1873,of“Dr.Livingstone,Ipresume?”fame)
wasaScottishmissionarywhobecamefamousforhisexplorationsinAfrica.
[xiv]Ihaveseenthisformulareferredtoinmanybooksandusedbymany
consultants.Idonotknowtheoriginalauthorororiginofthisformula.
[xv]FrançoisFénelon(1651-1715)wasaFrenchwriterandRomanCatholic
Archbishop.
[xvi]NormanCousins(1915-1990)wasanAmericanpoliticalwriterwhowas
wellknownforhispeaceadvocacy,forwhichhewonseveralawards.
[xvii]listening.Merriam-Webster.com(2012).http://Merriam-Webster.com
(accessed:October26,2012).
[xviii]BenjaminDisraeli(1804-1881)dedicatedoverhalfofhislifeto
government;heservedasBritishPrimeMinistertwiceoverandwasalsooneofthemosteminentnovelistsofhistime.
[xix]defensiveness.Dictionary.comCollinsEnglishDictionary-Complete&
unabridged10thEdition.HarperCollinsPublishers.http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/defensiveness(accessedOctober26,2012).
[xx]Tamm,JamesW.Luyet,Ronald.RadicalCollaboration.NewYork:Harper,
2004p.28.
[xxi]JoneJohnsonLewis.“RitaMaeBrownQuotes”AboutWomen’sHistory.
http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/rita_mae_brown.htm(accessedOct26,2012).
[xxii]Seinfeld.“TheOpposite.”Episode#86.Originallyaired:Mary19,1994.
Checkitoutforagiggle!
[xxiii]ThichNhatHanhisaBuddhistmonk,author,poetandpeaceactivist.
Checkouthiswebsite:http://www.plumvillage.org/thich-nhat-hanh.html
[xxiv]“ToolstoStayCool”isinspiredbywhatIlearnedfromWilliamUryin
hisfantasticbook,ThePowerofaPositiveNo.NewYork:BantamDell,2007.
[xxv]KingmanBrewster,Jr.(1919-1988)wasanAmericanscholar,educator
anddiplomatwhoisbestknownforhiscontroversialleadershipduringhistermasPresidentofYaleUniversityinthe1960sand1970s.
[xxvi]JohnMarshall(1755-1835)wasthefourthChiefJusticeoftheSupreme
CourtoftheUnitedStates.Asthelongest-everservingChiefJustice,heplayedanimportantroleinthedevelopmentofthemodernAmericanlegalsystem.
[xxvii]Tamm,JamesW.Luyet,Ronald.RadicalCollaboration.NewYork:
Harper,2004p.28.
[xxviii]Crowley,Katherine.Elster,Kathi.WorkingWithYouIsKillingMe.New
York:WarnerBusinessBooks,2006.Thisisagreatbookandyoumaywanttobuyitforyourself-justbecarefulaboutgivingittoyournemesis!
[xxix]DorothyNevill(1826-1913)wasanotedwriterandconversationalistwho
pennedseveralmemoirs.
[xxx]Gottman,J.M.WhatPredictsDivorce?Therelationshipbetweenmarital
processesandmaritaloutcomes.Hillside,N.J.LawrenceErlbaum,1994.YoucancheckoutJohnGottmaninactionathttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw9SE315GtA
[xxxi]Losada,M.&HeaphyE.(2004)Theroleofpositivityandconnectivityin
theperformanceofbusinessteams:Anonlineardynamicsmodel.AmericanBehavioralScientist,47(6),740-765.
[xxxii]Alsocheckout:Crane,ThomasG.TheHeartofCoaching.SanDiego:
FTAPress,2002p.166.Hetalksabouttheimportanceofprovidingsignificantlymoresupportiveandappreciativefeedbackthanyoudosuggestionsforchange.Hisratiois80%positive,reinforcingfeedbackand20%constructiveideasforchange.
[xxxiii]WilliamJames(1842-1910)wasanAmericanphysicianandphilosopher
whoisconsideredtobethefoundingfatherofthescienceofpsychologyintheUnitedStates.
[xxxiv]FrankTyger(1929-2011)wasafamousAmericaneditorialcartoonist
andhumoristfortheTrentonTimesinNewJersey.
[xxxv]WilliamSafire(1929-2009)wasaPulitzerPrize-winningwriterwhowas
apoliticalcolumnistfortheNewYorkTimesaswellasapresidentialspeechwriter.
[xxxvi]GetmorepearlsofwisdomfromDanHeistat
http://www.searchquotes.com/quotes/author/Dan_Heist/