TheHelpMateA Biblical study of a wife’s God-given position in marriage

Jenny Duffy

In the Beginning

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A Biblical Look at Gender Roles in Marriage

The Proverbs 31 Woman

Instructions from the First Book of Peter

In the End

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In The Beginning

It was only 16 months ago that I made this huge decision to commit myself in marriage to Joshua Duffy. We had met in Bible school, and while we certainly weren't instant friends, we became united in our passion for Jesus, and a love began to blossom between us. When we began dating, we did the usual things that couples who are love struck over each other do: stare into each other's eyes as time seemed to speed by, talk on the phone for hours, and do everything we could together.

We became ministry partners early on as we visited children in low income neighborhoods, did street evangelism, and provided pastoral care at a group home in St.Catharines. When a bad fall left me bed ridden and in need of surgery, Josh stayed by my side and took care of me for months. I visited the beautiful Prince Edward Island for the first time when I went to meet his family, and then we thrust ourselves into work at a summer camp for

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special-needs children. It was at this camp that Josh proposed to me and I knew that I was about to marry the love of my life. We opted out of a traditional wedding and planned a Las Vegas wedding instead, which actually involved very little planning at all.

We became husband and wife, standing through the sun roof of a limousine as a minister performed our six minute ceremony. No rings were exchanged because we decided to get 'Psalm 42:7' tattooed on our fingers instead, because the scripture is so meaningful to us. As nontraditional as our wedding may have been, just like anyone else, it resulted in a marriage. The next day we were married and a new chapter in our lives had begun. There was no more just 'I' but 'us'. Instead of only 'me', there was 'we'. We were now joined together as one, in a partnership that is beyond anything that we've known before. Whether sunshine or storms, we have made a commitment to be faithful to each other

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and stand together through it all. While honeymooning in Vegas we

arranged our first missions trip together, and in a little over a month we ventured to Phnom Penh, Cambodia. I've always heard people say that the first year of marriage is the most difficult because you're adjusting so much to being married and living with someone. I've also heard people warn against going out on the mission field when you're newly married. Looking back we feel more than ever that this was the right decision for us. We felt that the mission field was where we belonged. To have our many 'firsts' together while serving in a third world country, is something that we will never regret.

Now, I'm not saying that everything was easy. We definitely did have to get used to each other's quirks, and were faced with one another's weaknesses and shortcomings, day in and day out. Josh is extremely patient and gracious, but I know that I must have driven him crazy sometimes. There were moments where the

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seriousness of our decision to marry would just hit me and I questioned whether either of us were really prepared or realized what we were getting ourselves into when we said 'I do'. But even during times of frustration and misunderstanding, I never had to question the love and commitment between us. Josh really is my best friend, and I so enjoy the constant companionship and confidant that I find in him. He takes care of me, and I feel treasured by him. I look up to him, and feel that there is no one better than him.

After celebrating our first-year anniversary we returned to Cambodia again. It was when we returned to our familiar surroundings that we had both shared as a newly married couple that I realized how much we had grown together as a couple. After a year, we had learned so much about each other, and it seemed that we were now able to work together and live together even easier than before.

As our missionary work continued, I began to feel a great desire to be the best

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source of help that I can be to my husband. I began to contemplate the different roles of the husband and wife in marriage. I wanted to learn more about the special role that God intended for wives. My hunger for knowledge about ‘what a godly wife is’ led me to a Bible study where the answers to my questions seemed to jump out at me. I believe that God honors our desire to be a great wife and that He is more than willing to show us and speak to us about this. I believe that the pursuit to be an excellent wife is actually a pursuit to become more like Jesus. As wives, we want to be patient, compassionate, humble, and reliant on God, just to name a few things. These are the very characteristics of Jesus, and God helps us to cultivate these characteristics which result in us becoming an excellent wife and ultimately an example of Jesus.

I compiled this little book just to offer a small glimpse of my study into what it means to be a Godly wife. While, I don’t have a whole lot of experience yet as a wife to offer great insights, I feel that

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when I began to further understand my role as a wife, this greatly benefited both Josh and I.I pray that as you read this little study, you too will be benefited, and your passion for Jesus and your yearning to become like Him, will be only be stirred up.

1 Corinthians 8:1 says, “Knowledge puffs up but love edifies.” If this study just increases our knowledge than it only edifies and pleases self. If we can apply this knowledge in wisdom to our lives, then it becomes charity and we edify others. As a community of believers, let us learn together how we can become the excellent wife God intended us to be, and how we can apply this in love to our lives.

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A Biblical Look at Gender Roles in Marriage

Sometimes when we wives hear that we are our husband's helpmate, we tend to feel slighted. We feel like we've been given an inferior role, but this isn't so. Man and women have both been created in God's image and thus they are equal. And while men and women are equal, I do believe that they serve different roles. This implies no inferiority to either gender, but rather the best use of what God has given to each one.

The Creation of Woman

God thought of the creation of woman and said, " It is not good that the man should be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him (Genesis 1:18)." We don't know that Adam ever complained about being alone and it's hard to imagine that one who walked so closely with God ever would. Yet, there was no creature that

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existed who was on the same level as Adam. God was higher and other life forms were lower since Adam had dominion over them. God desired for man to have someone who he could relate and commune with, and love and receive love from, who was of his own kind.

When we read Genesis, we find out that God put Adam into a sleep and pulled a rib from Adam's side and used this to create woman, and this was his last work of creation. I do agree with there being significance that woman was created from a bone out of Adam's side, and that this shows the position of women: not in front of man leading him and not behind man in an inferior position, but living along side of him. I also think of the ribs which are close to a man's heart, and I think this too shows the position of a wife; one who is the closest to her husband's heart.

When we look at the original text we find that the words used in verse 18 are actually 'help meet'. 'Help'

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describes a helper while 'meet' means 'suitable.' It was God's pleasure to design women as a gender totally suitable to give counsel, companionship, love, and intimacy, and all of this in intelligence and equal rank with man.

I do believe that man does have authority over the woman. I agree with Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church when he says how God gave Adam authority over all the animals, and when Adam named the animals this was a job of one in authority. In the same way, we must look at how Adam was created before Eve and how in a position of authority, he named her.

The Curse

In Genesis 3:16, we read that after Adam and Eve sinned, part of the curse which God sent forth was that woman would suffer pain in child bearing and that

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her desire would be for her husband and that he would rule over her. Although man was already in a place of authority over the woman, it was now to be a duty and feeling of injustice and punishment for the woman to be subject to her husband. In turn, women would strive to be the rulers of the relationship. The results of this curse can still be seen today in the world as there is tension and a power struggle between men and women. Jesus has redeemed us from this curse (Galatians 3:13-14) and so spiritually we are not under this curse anymore, but we can choose to live as if we are. For example, men and women today could still feel hostility toward each other and choose to live that way, if they reject the freedom that Jesus has provided in regards to this. Today, men are no longer to rule over their wives as a master rules over a slave. Men and women are partners who are to cherish, love and respect each other. With this being said, submission is still key and it is still biblical for a woman to submit to

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her husband. Husbands and wives are to serve each other but there is a special emphasis on men being the head of the relationship, and women submitting to that headship.

New Testament Submission

We don't like to think of man having authority because we tend to think of instances where authority is abused, and also we don't want to feel as if anyone needs to be in authority over us. But the Bible speaks of Godly authority, and the authoritative role of the husband is to be a Godly one.

In Ephesians 5, Paul speaks about the roles of husband and wife. In Ephesians 5:22, Paul says that wives ought to be subject to their husbands as to the Lord, as the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is also head of the church. Paul then instructs men to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave

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Himself up for the church. He describes how Jesus sanctifies His church, presenting to Himself a bride that is pure, holy and blameless.

We can look to Jesus as our example as one who lived a life of submission. Jesus and God were one. They were equal yet they had different roles, and Jesus submitted to the headship of the father. Jesus submitted to God knowing that God's will is for holiness and love. Submission to authority is the pattern of Christianity. Jesus submitted to God's authority, and the church submits to Christ. We submit ourselves to spiritual authority such as pastors and elders, as well as earthly government.

Every organization works best when there is a leader who makes the final decisions in accordance to what is right for the organization. Husbands are the leader of the family and are to lead by love. They are to be a Godly authority who their wives can submit to with ease, because her heart rests in the fact that He

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is being led by God, and that he loves her.

Wives subject to your own husbands as to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22)

As wives, we are to submit to our husbands as to the Lord. Submission includes honoring and obeying. We are to allow our husbands to lead and care for us in the same way that we give God place in our lives to give us direction and love us. While submission can be challenging because of conflicting ideas and a need to feel in control, this is all meant to be a delight for the woman. We can trust God to lead us and we feel relief and joy over His tending to us. These are to be our feelings toward our husband as our headship.

Like I said earlier, we tend to pull away fast from the idea of submission because right away we think of situations where authority is abused. We think of husbands controlling their wives and even wanting their wives to sin. The authority

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of the husband is a position that is to be carried out with the motive of love, not power and control. Wives are not to submit to a husband who wants them to sin. We can relate this to how we submit to government. We submit to our earthly government until to do so would be sin. An example would be in Acts 5:28-30 when the disciples continued to carry out their mandate from God although authority forbade it.

In situations of abuse, women are not to submit under the impression that they are being obedient. When a husband abuses his wife he is sinning and misusing his authority. He is violating his role in the marriage which is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. In this unfortunate situation, a woman should seek help from her pastor or another spiritual authority in her church, where she could receive godly counsel. The goal of this counsel is for the woman to no longer be abused and could involve the wife removing herself from the situation

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and looking into the legal procedures needed.

Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25)

The role of husband and wife isn't one of master and slave but of Christ and His church. Jesus leads His church, protecting her from evil and promoting holiness and purity. In this way, husbands should care for their wives, be ready to protect them in every way and encourage them toward spiritual maturity. A husband is to recognize his wife’s gifts, and encourage her to thrive in them, utilizing herself for the glory of God. To love someone as you would love the church is no light matter. This involves giving yourself up in the service of others, and tending to their needs, all the while, maintaining a vision of a bride who is spotless and blameless. This is to be the kind of faithfulness and dedication that a

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husband has for his wife. Although, his wife has short comings and makes mistakes, the husband sees her as his pure bride, washed in the blood of Christ. He continually leads her and doesn’t abandon her in times of hardship.

As a Godly leader, the husband submits to God and guides the wife and his children in the way that he feels God to be leading them. Decisions should be made by the husband and wife together. The goal is that the husband and wife may come to the same conclusion but this doesn’t always happen. In the situation that the husband and wife cannot agree, the husband is to have the final say because his role has put him in a place of submission and accountability toward God for the decisions of the family. The wife is look at him, as being led by God and wanting what is best for the family.

The Helper

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We can see Biblically that it is the role for the husband to be the leader. So what is the role of the wife? God created woman for the purpose that she could be a helper to the man. When we look deeper at what it means to be a helper, we can be delighted that God has given this role to women. Jesus calls the Holy Spirit our helper (John 14:16). Also, David praises God for being his helper (Psalm 54:4), and this is the same word which God uses to describe the woman as a helper. God is no less wonderful for being man's helper and He has no problem when we call Him our helper. God is humble and happy to be our helper, and even gives this name to His Spirit. This realization does not cause us look down at God or regard him as merely our assistant. On the contrary this only makes Him even more wonderful and personal to us. We are strengthened and delivered from trouble. We receive counsel, affection and intimacy. Our heart can

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confidently rest in God who is our helper. It is an honor and grace that God gives this role to women. The right place for a wife to be is beside her husband helping and edifying him and experiencing with him, the joys of God and all the pursuits of their life together.

The Goal

The goal of the Christian life is to become like God. To serve one another is to be like Jesus who did not come to this earth to be served, but rather came to serve. To submit is to be like Jesus who being one with God, did not fail to submit to God as his authority, all the while recognizing Him as a loving, holy and just father. Men and women are equal but God has assigned them different roles. Both roles are important and require humility in servant hood, and humility in submission. It is only by God’s grace that we can carry out these roles.

The roles of the husband and wife

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are not to be of bondage, in the same way that our relationship with God isn’t supposed to be one of just duty and obligation. Rather these roles are to liberate us to freely love one another, receive love and selflessly serve, being motivated by the love of God. These roles allow the husband and wife to experience each other in the vocation that they were designed for. When husbands and wives walk in the role that God has designed them for, they avoid the pain that comes when they try to take on a job that wasn’t created for them. Finally, 1Corinthians 14:16 says “let all that you do be done in love.” No matter what role we are in, God has entrusted us to be a witness of Him to other believers and to the unbelieving world. Our marriage is to be an example of how the church is cared for and led by Christ and how the church submits to Christ. Our motive and strength comes continually from the love of God, so that we may bring glory to Him.

The Proverbs 31 Woman

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Proverbs 31 can be valuable advice for the man seeking a wife, and also for the woman wondering ‘how can I be a good wife?’ We can certainly find these answers in the New Testament in Paul and Peter’s writings, but I think if we want to get the whole Biblical scope of what it means to be a wife of good character, we must study Proverbs 31. The Proverbs 31 woman has been admired for centuries and it is believed that this proverb was recited in Jewish homes every Sunday. Perhaps even Mary, the mother of Jesus admired the Proverbs 31 woman. It was also said to of been used as a poem to praise wives. Since its 22 verses each begin with a letter of the Hebrew alphabet, this proverb does appear as a poem.

There are a couple of theories as to who wrote Proverbs 31. The most popular theory is that Solomon was writing about his mother Bathsheba, and wrote under the endearing name (most likely given to him by his mother) ‘Lemuel’. Others think that

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Lemuel might have been prince of a neighboring country whose mother was an Israelite belonging to the household of David.

Regardless of the author, I think it is important that we think of the Proverbs 31 as a real woman. She wasn’t just an ideal woman conjured up from fantasy, whose virtue no one could attain to. She was a real woman, observed by real people, and admired for her strength of character and devoted life, which was all owed to her fear of God.

An important fact about Christianity is that we do have examples to look to. God didn’t just give us commands without an example of someone who lived out those commands. It is the same for Proverbs 31. The woman was as real as you and I, and is a great example for us today of a good wife is.Let’s take a closer look at the Proverbs 31 woman. As we read the scriptures we will discover what she was like, what she did, and what people said about her. From this

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information we can gather the applicable truths for our lives today, as we desire to be the woman who God intended us to be.

A Brief Look at the Proverbs 31 Woman

An excellent wife, who can find? Her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. 31:10-12

The opening speaks not merely about finding a wife, but finding a wife who is excellent. It may not be difficult to find a spouse. We can settle for someone who doesn’t love God or isn’t equal to us in our spiritual maturity. We can find a spouse who doesn’t treat us well and isn’t kind to others. Spouses such as these are easily found. But a spouse who is excellent is rare. Her worth is far about rubies. She is precious and valuable. The heart of her

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husband can trust in her, because she determines that she will do him only good. She doesn’t demean him in front of family members, or complain about him to her girlfriends. This excellent wife does not think lightly of her husband’s feelings while putting greater weight on her own. She not only recognizes his need for respect and trust, but she gladly meets this need. Each day, she purposes to do him only good.

She looks for wool and flax and works with her hands in delight. She is like the merchant’s ship; she brings her food from afar. She rises also while it is still night and gives food to her household and portions to her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard. 31:13-16

We begin to learn about what the Proverbs 31 woman does and how she

occupies her day. Her trade seems to be that of working with materials to produce

clothing, tapestry, etc. Ancient women

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even of high rank would work with their hands. While we don’t know whether the Proverbs 31 woman was of high rank or

not, we do know that she was happy to do this work. She does not mindlessly create without creative spunk or passion; rather

she is employing herself to her own enjoyment. She sells her products and also

buys from neighboring countries, both gaining income for herself, receiving

goods and investing in others. In this way she is like the merchant ship, exporting and importing. Aside from making garments to sell, this woman is also the manager of her household. I wouldn’t doubt that she also managed in delight as she prepared food for her family and maidens. She knows

these both as a priority and a responsibility entrusted to her by God. She being a

working woman offered a great example to her household.

The Proverbs 31 woman has long-term goals. For the growing needs of her family, she thinks that a vineyard may be of good

use. Vineyards were not altogether

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necessary. The grapes may have been used to make medicine, but also to make wine. It’s possible that the vineyard wasn’t so much of a need but rather something just for enjoyment. She does not purchase the field impulsively or hastily. Rather, she considers this field before putting the

money down. The Proverbs 31 woman is a good steward of her finances in the way that she examines her potential purchase

and thinks it over instead of making a quick decision to buy it right away.

She girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She senses that her gain is good; her lamp does not go

out at night. She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hands grasp the

spindle.31:17-19We see a picture of a lady who is

anything but lazy. Perhaps she strengthened herself with exercise, or just strengthened herself by doing her work. She enjoys a satisfaction of her accomplishments and feels that her

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products are good and worthy of the money she receives for them. She is not looking to take advantage and cheat by selling people products of low-quality for a high price. She is a fair woman who cares for others, and recognizes the importance of people using their money for products that are of good quality, in the same way that she wishes to do as a customer. Although we can see that she is happy with what she has done, she inspires to do more. As her lamp glows in the night, she doesn’t rush to finish her work. She thinks of the future and what will be needed and desired. She uses the spindle and distaff, the most ancient of instruments for spinning and threading, and she happily spends time creating.

She extends her hand to the poor, and she stretches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She makes coverings for herself; her clothing is fine

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linen and purple. 31:20-22

It seems that ‘charity starts at home’ was not a motto that the Proverbs 31 woman abided by. Even before mentioning the provision of her own family, the author of the proverb tells us that she reached out to the poor. She not only extends one hand to give money, but she stretches out both hands to give herself. She does not avoid the needy or make excuses for why she can’t help them. She makes herself available to the poor and needy, and she embraces them. She exemplifies the love of God to the hurt and broken, and although she may have much to do, she does not pass them by. The Proverbs 31 woman doesn’t fear the cold winter because she has wisely prepared her family for this season. The scarlet clothing may refer to clothes of this vibrant colour which would have been a great contrast to the dreariness of winter. Also, the scarlet clothing may have been garments that were sown to be double-layered. The Proverbs

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31 woman was not without her own sense of style as she fashioned purple outfits for herself probably made of silk.

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes line garments and sells them, and supplies belts to the tradesmen.31:23-24

We now know much of what the Proverbs 31 woman does, but we know little about the job of her husband. He seems to be important since he was known in the gates. He may have been an elder, may have sat with the elders for counsel, or was even in a place of authority or judgment. It is a valuable observation that the husband was free to perform his job and tend to his duties without also having the burden of running the household. His excellent wife manages the household, allowing him to not worry about these affairs. He is able to trust her as she is diligent, competent and faithful in her

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management, and devoted to her family. She is certainly an excellent wife as well as an excellent business woman as she sells her creations to the tradesmen. Not only does she manage her household, but she also helps provide income for her family.

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future. 30:25

The Proverbs 31 woman did not yield herself to low self-esteem. She has an esteem and worth for herself as she recognizes her royal and precious position of a daughter of the Most High. Her strength for each day is from the Lord. He alone is her portion. Each morning, it is not the putting on of fashionable clothes that are most important to her. She would not dare leave the house without knowing she is adorned in strength and dignity from her Father, for the choices of the day will be governed by these things. She smiles at the future. She is not stressed out and anxious.

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She is calm knowing that God has only good plans for her; plans for her to do well and prosper. Although, the world around her may be troubling and the needs of her family may become more demanding, she smiles because she has a Father who loves and cares for her.

She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.31:26-27

When she opens her mouth it is not gossip and foolishness that proceeds forth. She sees the value in her words and their potential to do harm or good. The Proverbs 31 woman chooses to use her words in a way that they would benefit others. She not only determines herself to do only good to her husband, but to all people. She is not a source of gossipy and here-say, but rather a source of wise advice for those who come to her. As if her actions don’t speak highly

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enough about kindness, but this is also the constant theme of her teaching. She is kind and exhorts others to also be kind. She deals with others in kindness. She loves her family and is invested in her children; husband and whoever else would be considered part of her household. Her heart isn’t somewhere else, but is completely in her role as wife and mother. She is not idle. Sadly, this is more than most of us could say since technology today makes it so easy to be idle. It’s not difficult to spend an hour on the internet only to stop and wonder how we even used up that time and what we were really doing. The Proverbs 31 woman managed her time well and saw to it that the members of her household did the same.

Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all. V30 charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she

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shall be praised. V31 give her the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her at the gates. 31:28-31

Now we learn not merely about what others said about the Proverbs 31 woman, but about what her own family said about her. As we read the end of the proverb we see that those who knew her the very best were able to praise her. The ones who saw her close up, and knew her strengths and weaknesses through and through, saw her in both pleasant and stressful times, and in happiness and trials; claimed her to be excellent. We can easily say good things about people we don’t know very well. Often when we don’t know very much about someone we can tend to see only one side of them, such as their beauty and skills, but not their flaws. Everyone looks good from a distance. It is when we know someone intimately that we realize their faults and weaknesses, and our perception of their perfection is shattered. The Proverbs 31 woman was not without

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her faults and weaknesses, yet those who knew her intimately had the best things to say about her. Her children recognize their mother of being worthy of their blessing. Her husband acknowledges that while other women possess good qualities, she excels them all. She is to be a role model for these women and an example of purity and strength. Charm is deceiving and fake and beauty is temporary, subjective and not of great importance. It is the woman who fears the Lord who shall receive praise. Her reverence for God can only result in a life that is holy, fruitful and beneficial to others. The fruits of her relationship with God are enjoyed by all those around her, and there is to be no lack of praise for the one who chooses to set herself apart for God. Her husband wishes her to enjoy the fruit of her efforts, and that they may be long-lasting. Her loving husband knows that because of her excellent work and life devoted to God, that she cannot and should not escape the praise of others.

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Is the Proverbs 31 Woman relevant today?

How do you feel when you read about the Proverbs 31 woman? Do you feel that she is a dream woman who no one should expect to be like? Do you feel that this woman is laughing at you from the pages because she is ‘little miss perfect’? I want to encourage you to see the Proverbs 31 woman as a real woman. She had a husband and kids like many of us do. She owned things and spent her time doing things the same as you and I. She had strengths, talents and gifts just like you and I. Most importantly she had a relationship with God that was valued over everything, and this is the true mark of the ideal woman and what distinguishes her from everyone else. She possessed the beauty of the Lord and His impression on her life is obvious in the scriptures. If she did not know God she wouldn’t have been a

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virtuous woman. It was only because of her relationship with God that this woman had virtue. It was her excellent Father who made His impression on her heart, and caused her to be excellent. She allowed God to rule in her life and the fruit of her relationship with God, was a life of virtue. We must take this to heart as we realize that all of our words and actions are a result of the condition of our heart. Does your heart belong to the world, or does it belong to God? When our heart belongs to God we desire to be like Jesus. The result of God’s possession of us and our desire for Him is that our words and activities come in line with God’s heart, and this produces fruit that is excellent.

Little Miss. Perfect wasn’t so perfect!Who hasn’t read about the Proverbs

31 woman and felt inadequate? We can read about how the Proverbs 31 woman created clothes for her family and made products to sell, and just this alone can make us feel inadequate. Maybe you don’t

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know how to sew, and maybe you don’t possess that business kind of mind that it takes to make products and sell them. But is there anything wrong with this? Let’s remember that the author was praising the woman and wrote only about her gifts and abilities, not her weaknesses. Perhaps the Proverbs 31 woman wasn’t good at home renovations, writing, editing photos or designing websites. Maybe running a daycare would have been really difficult for her, or perhaps managing a restaurant would have been a disaster for this virtuous woman. The author focuses on what the Proverbs 31 woman did well, because it was her strengths from God which shone in her life, rather than her weaknesses.

We spend too much time focusing on the gifts we wish that we had rather than the ones that God has given us. When we focus on our weaknesses, we end up coveting the gifts of others. When we covet the gifts of others, we actually end up squandering the gifts that God has

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given to us. We need to trust that God knew what He was doing when He created us. We must be thankful for what God has entrusted to us and see ourselves as someone who can use her gifts to glorify God. It is so important that we are led by Holy Spirit when we read the Bible, or else we walk away from the last chapter of Proverbs 31, thinking that being a seamstress and business woman are crucial to being an excellent wife.

An excellent wife is a great steward of the gifts that God has given her. The Proverbs 31 had a knack for sewing and she put this to use for the glory of God to clothe her household and produce income. God has given us gifts so that we may use them to serve one another and advance His kingdom. It is important that we recognize and embrace the gifts that God has given to us, and let God lead us in how to use them. The Proverbs 31 woman isn’t to be admired because she could make garments, but because she used that gift to be a blessing to others.

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As we read about what this woman did and what her family said about her, it is obvious that others greatly benefited from her. Her husband could put all of his trust in her and the community profited both from her selling and her buying. She came to the aid of the down-trodden, and she gave counsel to people as well. Her children blessed her, recognizing the goodness that came from her.

I think an extremely valuable observation of the Proverbs 31 woman is how all those around her, benefited from her relationship with God. As Christians, this should also be true for us. People should benefit from our relationship with God. Even if people disagree with our faith in God, they should be glad to know us because we are a source of help and love to them.

A Practical Woman

There are also some very practical things that we could learn from the

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Proverbs 31 woman, which we could all apply to our lives. The woman was one who managed her time well, along with her finances and her household.

Becoming better time-managers may look as simple as spending less time on the internet, waking up earlier, and limiting our TV watching. Concerning finances, we must not regard our money as something that just comes and goes, but as something that God has entrusted to us. We should strive to be a wise steward of our finances, and take advantage of information and wise, Godly counsel that could help us to be better stewards. Our money should not control us; rather we should worship God with our money.

The woman knew and embraced her role as the manager of the household. Certainly, her excellent time management and stewardship of finances allowed her to be such a good manager. She was able to provide for her children and be available to them. Since I’m not a mother my own insight on this is limited, but that is the

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beauty of reading the scriptures and allowing Holy Spirit to impart to us. I can admire the Proverbs 31 woman for being able to manage her household with such delight and efficiency. As a daughter, I can say that what my parents did affected everything for me as a child, and we realize that parents create the world that we live in. I love that the Proverbs 31 woman created a world in which God was the centre.

Excellent the way God intended

We can breathe a big sigh of relief when we realize that God doesn’t want us to be a carbon copy of the Proverbs 31 woman. We can admire this woman for how she loved God, and how she allowed God to cultivate her into the excellent wife who He always intended her to be. God intends for each of us to be women of virtue. This does not come from trying to change ourselves to be like other women,

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nor does it come from a subscription to Canadian Living. The first step towards becoming excellent is to recognize that God is excellent and to give our heart to Him. It is when we love God that we are changed and can truly be a blessing to our husband, family and all those around us.

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Instructions from the First Book of Peter

We could enjoy a great peace and excitement when we understand the awesome role that God has given to us as a wife. There is no doubt that our husbands will also appreciate our realization of how precious the role of a help mate is.

But what about those difficult situations that are just inevitable in marriage? What do we do in those situations where we just know that our husband is plain wrong in his decisions? Also, even outside of the topic of submission, how should a Christian wife act? Is wearing makeup ok? What is the Christian wife’s role towards other women in the church? How important is it really to even know other Christian wives?

When we’re confused about the will of God for our life, it’s a wonderful relief that we could read the Bible. The scriptures will never lead us in the wrong

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way. On the contrary, they will lead us closer to Jesus, strengthening our walk with Him. That’s what we want since after all, becoming an excellent wife is all about becoming like Jesus.

We must reject the garbage that the world is trying to feed us. The magazines in the check-out aisle at the grocery store offer a lot of advice but most of it will only contribute to our pride, justify actions that demean our husband’s leadership, and pull us away from Jesus. We need to return to the fresh bread of the Bible, where living words from God can be imparted into our lives.

The first letter of Peter was written to several churches in a time of persecution. Peter exhorts the Christians to submit to every authority including the pagan government of Nero, so that the Christians may continue to glorify Jesus in their conduct and not be considered rebels. As wives we must also resist any enticement to be a ‘rebel’ in our marriage by abandoning or manipulating the role

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God has appointed to us. In his letter, Peter does not neglect

to give instructions to the husband and wives in the churches. Let’s take a look at chapter 3 verses 1-8, as Peter addresses some potential stumbling blocks in marriage.

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external--braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah

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obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. You husbands in the same way live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit.1 Peter 3:1-8

Showing Jesus in our ActionsIn the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.1-2

Peter acknowledges a situation that was most likely actually occurring between husbands and wives in the churches. He

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teaches how a wife should respond when her husband is in disobedience to the word. This could be the Christian husband who is not lining up his words and actions with scripture, and is going against the teaching of God. We could also think about a husband who isn’t a Christian and has no regard at all for the words of God.

In this difficult situation, it may seem like a good idea to refuse the leadership of our husband because we see that he is in the wrong. Our pride flares up and suddenly we want to be the leader because after all, we’re the one who is ‘following scripture’. But the answer isn’t to try and yank our husband out of his role of leadership. To try and take the matter into our own hands by putting our husband down as one capable of leading, and trying to prevail over him as the one in charge, we are not honoring our husband or God. God didn’t appoint the husband as the headship in marriage because He thought that the husband wouldn’t make mistakes. God knows as well as we do that our

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husband is just a mere man and isn’t anywhere near perfect. God doesn’t put us in a place of authority without designating Himself as our authority. As wives, we need to rely on God’s authority in our husband’s life. We need to remember that our husband answers to God for his actions. It is not our place to rebuke our husband and try to demote him from his role. God is in charge of our husband and it is God who is in authority to speak to our husband and correct Him. So if our job isn’t to correct our husband or give him a break from leadership, what should we do?

Peter says, “Be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior”. We are to continually show respect for our husband and follow his leadership until by doing so, it would cause us to sin. With an unbelieving husband it can get to the point where he is tired of hearing his wife talk

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about Jesus. He cannot be convinced. When his wife continues trying to persuade him that Christianity is the truth, it only irritates him and drives him farther away. There is wisdom in realizing when we should stop speaking and just rely on prayer and actions. The unbelieving husband may know the message of the gospel, but without a living example of a Christian who actually lives like a Christian should, he may just toss Christianity into the pile with every other world religion. Unbelievers are looking for people who will let their light shine and whose actions confirm that the gospel is true. A transformed life speaks much louder than any words can. It is the faithfulness and long-suffering of a praying wife who is determined to let Jesus shine through her that could very well win her husband over to Jesus.

Peter asks that we continue being a shining example of Jesus, so that by our pure and respectful behavior, our husbands would desire to be obedient. To be a help

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mate, means that we stand by our husband’s side faithfully even when he is making a mistake. These scriptures of teaching give another example as to how women are not inferior beings. The husband does not look down on the wife but rather can look to her as an example of one who abides by God’s word. She is not trying to rule over him and demote him from his role of headship, but rather she continues to honor his God-given role recognizing that she is much more helpful if she remains at his side.

Outward BeautyYour adornment must not be merely external--braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.3-4

The Christian should be much more concerned about the quality of her character than hair, jewelry or clothes. It

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isn’t wrong to look nice and to wear makeup and put on fashionable clothes. The problem is that most of us know this and we stop thinking about it before it could become at all convicting, and we feel justified putting all the effort that we do into our appearance. I think as women we walk the fine line between worshiping the mirror and worshiping God. We live in a culture that feeds into our vanity and pride. It is very rare these days that a house will only have a mirror in the bathroom. Today we can walk through a home and find mirrors hung in several rooms. Our culture supports the worship of many idols, and perhaps the biggest idol presented to us is the idol of ‘self’.

Outward adornment is more likely to contribute to our egos and stoke our pride, than do anything else. This is opposite to the goal of Christianity which is: to become like Jesus. There is nothing about spending time in front of the mirror beautifying ourselves that helps cultivate humility, which we so badly need if we

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want to be like Jesus.

I remember the dean at my Bible College saying that if we want to identify what is important to us, we can look at what we invest our money and time into. In today’s world with all the encouragement from magazines and various companies ‘to pamper ourselves’, it is so easy to throw away money and time into pure vanity, and then feel that we had the right to do so.

This is a huge reminder to me. I am guilty of spending long sessions in front of the mirror curling my hair, and trying on various pairs of earrings and necklaces, before being satisfied with how I look. When we consider how we dote over our appearance, we must look at the condition of our heart. What are our true reasons for doing this and what is our heart motive? Do we rely on our beauty in order to be noticed or even counted as special and significant? Is our motive to attract people to us just by how awesome we look? Are

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we competing with other women? Do we feel more value for ourselves if we know that we look great? These are hard questions because they get right to the root of our vanity.

If we were to compare our time applying makeup and styling our hair, to reading the Bible and praying, which one would win out? How about the cash that we spend on cosmetics and clothes, compared to the money that we give to our church, missionaries, or the poor? But even after considering these things, the truth is if we were to cleverly cut down our time getting ready to only 5 minutes, and become thrifty, spending little money on clothes and accessories, this may not change anything about the condition of our heart.

What is our thought life like concerning outward beauty? Do we think and plan in regards to our appearance? Do we covet after the hair colours and clothing of others? After all the Bible studies, prayer meetings and time alone with God,

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do we still find that beauty is so important to us?

We could do our hair and make-up and put on nice clothes to look attractive for our husbands. As wives, we know that our husbands are attracted more to the physical, while we’re attracted more to the emotional. With this perspective, we want to keep up our appearance and not let ourselves go. It can also be tempting to go to the other extreme where we don’t much effort into our appearance, because we’ve already been pursued by our husband and are now so familiar with him. We need to have a fine balance in our lives where the mirror isn’t an idol, but we also don’t avoid it either.

While we can make a case for not totally neglecting our outward appearance, we still can’t justify worshiping it. Peter writes in verse 4, “but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the

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sight of God”. When Peters speaks of a quiet spirit, he isn’t indicating that it’s better for women to always stay quiet. Although there is great wisdom in knowing when to be quiet and having the self-control to do so, he is describing a spirit that is of tender nature: soft, gentle and peaceable. As much as we can use outward adornment for self-expression and to please our husbands, it is no substitute for being a woman of Godly character, possessing a humility and gentleness which God finds so precious. God looks past the eye shadow, curls and new sweater, right into our hearts. He hopes to find hearts that are devoted and concerned about the things of the kingdom. He wants to stoke fire into hearts that long for His presence and passion. Although it is true that our husband enjoys our beauty, it is no match for having a Godly character. Faithfulness, patience, and humility will always be needed and always cherished by a husband. Beauty wears away, but the fruit of the spirit is eternal. A Jesus-loving

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husband will cherish a wife who is like Jesus, more than one who just looks good.

Let’s consider how many people will get saved or benefit from us spiritually because we prepared so long in front of the mirror. Now let’s think about our times of prayer, worship, Bible study, Christian fellowship and time alone with God that will greatly benefit all those around us, because as we get to know God more we become more like Him.

Our joy should not come from how we look, but from Jesus alone. Our purpose shouldn’t be to look our best at all times, but to exemplify Jesus at all times. If we worship the mirror, we feed into our vanity. If we worship Jesus, we our feed our spirit. Our highlighted hair and tanned skin are only temporal, but the spiritual blessings that we will gain from intimacy with God are eternal. We need to pray that God would help us to worship Him, and help us to see that it is not our beauty that is worthy of all our time, money, efforts,

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thoughts and love. It is Him and our spiritual growth that is worth every investment.

Real ExamplesFor in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.5-6

The Bible doesn’t just throw instructions about holy conduct at us without giving us real examples of people who lived a holy life. The woman with the gentle and quiet spirit may have been Peter’s wife, who he held in high-esteem as a Godly woman. He might have thought of her as he was writing these instructions to the women of the church. He does also refer to Holy women of the past and uses Sarah as an example of a wife who took great care in her inner-beauty and

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submitted to her husband Abraham. We take after the Holy women who have gone before us, such as Sarah if we too submit to our husbands and adorn ourselves with the qualities of Jesus.

I think it is important that we study examples of the past. When we read about the servants of God who have come before us we can be inspired by them. I love reading biographies of missionaries because just by reading about their life, I am so inspired, encouraged, and challenged. I also really enjoy reading about the Catholic saints. They were so passionate and sold-out for God and their complete dedication to Holiness manifested itself in a life of virtue and more often than none, amazing spiritual gifts. Their lives display an application of the Bible. My husband says, “If we didn’t have the Bible, at least we would have the lives of the saints.” It’s so valuable to study the admirable people who have come before us. We can be encouraged that it is possible for normal people to be so

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devoted to God, and to live a life that is set apart totally for Jesus. We can learn from their victories and also from their mistakes.

In a pastoral letter to Titus, Paul urges the older women in the church to refrain from gossips, alcohol and to put their efforts toward, “teaching what is good, they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored (3-5).” So much can be written about the importance of Christians being a part of a local church, and this scripture conveys one of the benefits. When we are connected with a community of Christians we have the opportunity to surround ourselves with living examples of Godly women. I think it is a wonderful idea that if there is a woman in our congregation who we notice is kind and conducts herself in purity and love towards her husband that we would spend time with her so that we may learn from

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her. In the same way that we do an internship at a company to gain experience and knowledge, we could make ourselves available to an older, more experienced woman so that we may receive wisdom and impartation. If it is important to study and acquire knowledge to perform our job well, how much more important is it to receive an informal training to better our self as a wife? I believe that God wants us to make ourselves available especially to other wives so that we can give support, advice, and share in the adventures of being a wife. As I continue to realize the value of community, this is advice that I myself need to take, and I am making more effort to be in contact with women from my home church whom I admire.

Fellow Heir of GraceYou husbands in the same way live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your

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prayers will not be hindered. To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit. 7-8

Peter tells the husbands of the church to live in an understanding way towards their wife since she is weaker. I’m sure it doesn’t take most husbands long to find out that they can’t joke around with and banter their wives in the same way that they would joke around with their guy friends. Whether we’re glad to admit it or not, as women we think a lot about our own emotions and the emotions of others. We’re much more geared towards feelings, than most men are. For the most part, women feel romanced by having their emotional needs met. This is one of the reasons why a sarcastic remark or a comment that is intended to be funny, may result in hurt feelings for the wife. Emotions can be delicate, and I think in this way women are weaker than men. Women are much more vulnerable to taking offense at a husband’s words than

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his guy friend would be. This isn’t to say that women are unequal to men, but they clearly are different than men. Peter wants to ensure that husbands recognize that there is a difference and that they are to live in a different way with their wives, making sure they are cared for.

Men and women are both joint heirs of God’s grace. Men and women are both in great need of a savior and are bound for Hell. Both are invited to become transformed by God, inheriting a new life and partaking of the grace that God has so kindly offered.

Even if we were to stop cherishing our spouse, God would not stop. God does not cease to love us, and his faithfulness cannot be exhausted. We are to see our spouse as a fellow heir of the King; someone in need of direction from their heavenly father and always in need of mercy and grace. We are not blind to the faults of our spouse, but this does not affect our love for them. Husbands and

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wives are joint heirs of their Lord, both receiving the best gift ever imaginable, bought for them at a very costly price. They are both to live in a way that is full of love and understanding for each other, and are to edify each other to serve God. Peter places such importance on the husband honoring his wife that he implies that to not do so would hinder his prayers.

Peter sums it up, “all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit.” Husbands and wives serve in different roles but both are urged to live in a way that would show Jesus to one another. We are not to be controlling, unmerciful, argumentative or prideful. These qualities are of the world and they do not belong amongst the community of believers. God’s desire is that our lives would be bursting with the fruits of the spirit and that we would continue in community together.

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All in All

When we read Peter’s letters we can discover more about God’s will for us as a wife. We are to submit and show honor to our husbands even when he is wrong. Our beautifying should not only take place outside, because possessing a spirit that God calls precious is incomparable. Planting ourselves in a community of Christians gives us the opportunity to meet strong, Godly wives who we can learn from. God wants husbands to care for their wives, and take special consideration about how they act toward them. As we are in community with other Christians we are to be an example of Jesus to one another

Submission isn’t always easy but if we were always in easy situations, we would not have challenges to help us cultivate the fruit of the spirit, and become more like Jesus, and in doing so, become an excellent wife.

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In the End

When I lay my head down at night, I want to know that at least I tried. In the same way that someone doesn’t become an excellent parent or excellent manager over night, I believe that becoming an excellent wife takes effort, practice and a teachable spirit. I think the most important part of becoming an excellent wife, is simply the fact that we try. I think when our efforts are rooted out of love and a sincere desire to serve; this in itself is very excellent. I think that God honors our attempts, and Holy Spirit will help us by showing us what Jesus is like.

I hope that after many years I can look back at my life and say, “I only did good for my husband” the way that the Proverbs 31 woman did. I think one of the miracles of Christianity is that we do good, not because we have to, but because we want to. Our new life in the spirit enables us to choose to do what Jesus Himself

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loves to do. I don’t want to be an excellent wife to get anything from Josh, but I just want to do good for him because the nature of Jesus is inside of me.

God has entrusted such a treasure to me in Josh and it would be completely evil if I did not want to encourage, edify and help him to grow in his walk with God. The whole goal of the Christian life is that we would become like Jesus. When our excitement and pursuit is wrapped up in this great goal, we can take our eyes off self and focus on Jesus. We cannot become an excellent wife by our own efforts or else we will fail. We need Jesus badly. Our pursuit to be virtuous is really a pursuit to get closer to God and become one with all of His desires and passions. We will surely make mistakes but we can rely on God as our helper to use our attempts to result in His goodness, and our growth.

Becoming an excellent wife may be a life long journey, and the role of a help mate may be very trying at times but Jesus has promised Holy Spirit to be with

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us and to help us through this life. In Him we have the ultimate example of what a help mate is.

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Resources

Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary www.christnotes.org

Adam Clarke’s Commentary on the Bible www.christnotes.org

Proverbs 31: The Portrait of a Godly Woman www.wcg.org

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