the last night on the beat by harry the polis

7/29/2019 The Last Night On The Beat by Harry the Polis

1/31

Last Nighton the Beat!

Harry the

PolisHARRY MORRIS

BEST OF

BEST OF

A hilariously funny and entertaining read,filled w

ith great Glesga stories . . .Clem Dane, the Comedians Comedian


2/31

LAST NIGHT ON

THE BEAT

BEST OF HARRY THE POLIS

HARRY MORRIS

BLACK & WHITE PUBLISHING


3/31

First published 2012

by Black & White Publishing Ltd

29 Ocean Drive, Edinburgh EH6 6JL

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 12 13 14 15

ISBN: 978 1 84502 456 7

Copyright Harry Morris 2012

The right of Harry Morris to be identified as the author of this work has

been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and

Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,

stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means,

electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without

permission in writing from the publisher.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Typeset by RefineCatch Ltd, Bungay, Suffolk

Printed by Nrhaven, Denmark


4/31

Dedicated to my wee mammy Flora . . . X


5/31

Also available from Harry the Polis

Even the Lies Are TrueEven More Lies

Nuthin Like the TruthYere Never Gonnae Believe It!

Aye, That Will Be Right!50Ah Cannae Tell a Lie

Up Tae My Neck in PaperworkTheres Been a Murder!

It Wisnae Me . . . Honest

Look Whos Up For A Blether

(DVD LIVE AUDIO PERFORMANCE)


6/31

This wee poem, to a lot of police officers in the service,epitomises what policing a community is all about.

Therefore, I could not do a book with the Best of andnot include it. Everywhere I perform my stand-up shows,

Im asked to recite it.Read on and see why!

Im Just a Man Like You

I have been where you fear to beI have seen what you fear to seeI have done what you fear to do

All these things, I have done for you

I am the man you lean uponThe man you cast your scorn uponThe man you bring your troubles to

All these men, I have been to youThe man you ask to stand apart

The man you feel should have no heartThe man you call the man in blue

But Im just a man, just like youAnd through the years, Ive come to see

That Im not what you ask of meSo take these handcuffs and this baton

Will you take it? Will anyone?And when you watch a person die

And hear a battered baby cryThen do you think, that you can beAll these things that you ask of me?

Im just a man like you


7/31

Contents

Cheers Clarky 1Fatal Road Accident 2Polis Ansaphone 2The Tasmanian Devil 3Dont Panic Missus Mannering! 5Kids, Youve Got To Love Them 8

Fooled You 9Unisex Toilets 10Cathys Meals 11Tell It Like It Is! 15David Hay Said He Will Pay! 16Howards Big Regret 17

On The Bus 18Trampoline 18Morriss Safety Motto 18The Sixth Sense 19Now Thats Magic! 20Wee Jock 21My Deaf Wife . . . 28

Its In The Stars 29Guess My Age! 30Whats He Like? 33Little Arrows 34Its In The Bag 35Minis a Bargain! 36

Name That Tune 41Will Power! 41Donald & Johnny Ramensky 42All Bets Are Off 47Who Was That? 49


8/31

The Heilan Coo! 50Timex Watch 51Talking Too Much! 52The Polis Interpreter 53Got A Light Mate! 55Window Cleaners 58Guns in the Family 59Surprise! Surprise! 60

Lucky Tatties 65A Clash of Personalities 66Thats My Dad! 67The Jobs Fucked! 71The Wembley Weekend 72Lucky Me! 82

Hell Go Nuts! 83Hearing Things 84The Truth, The Whole Truth 85Ill Tell Him Tomorrow, Maybe! 86No Armchair Stampede 89Elvis Lives 90Ladies and Gentlemen Ben Doon 91

The Spark-le is Still There 94Relief, For My Relief! 95Blowing Your Own Trumpet 96A Midges Dick! 97What a Plonker! 98We Live in a Concrete Jungle 99

Cobblers 100Roast Chicken and Chips 101J.F.K. 105Dr White at Your Disposal 106Prison Riot Solution 108


9/31

Open the Door 109Soft Hands That Do Dishes 111Its Good Too Talk 112The Taxi 113What Do You Mean? 114Nurses Cant Be Trusted 115Watch Yer Car Mister? 117Who Are You Pinnochio? 118

The Pink Slip 119Who Let Them Go? 122Sumjerk Ramdmakhar 123The Mushroom Joke 125A Tight Situation 126Youre Nicked! 128

Answer The Phone! 129Thats What She Said! 130CSI Not Required 130Dusty Bin 131Playing It Cool 133High Court Trial 136Television Psychic 137

Recognition At Last 138Alfie and the Star Wars Game 139Frankie, The Make Up Artist 141Passive Smokers 145Answers from Police Scotland Exams 146Show Me Yer Jean Brody! 147

No Age Limits 150The Patients Armless! 151My Uncle Tommy 155Profumo Affair 156The Traffic Camera 157


10/31

Bethnall Green Escort Duty 158Bloody Witch Doctor! 167Jackie Barnes 171The Wedding Party 172Gentlemen Joggers 174The Mimic 176Fighting Fire With Fire 177Youre Not Dead! 179

Friends Re-united 179Hughies Tortoise Room 180Chap at the Door 182Superglue The Locks 183No Smoking 189Happy Clappy with a Whisky Chaser 188

The Medical 191The Special Olympics 192Someone To Talk To 196He Fancies You 197A Word in Your Ear 198The Birthday Cake 199The Cigar Man 204

Somethings Missing! 208Its A Knockout! 209Fishing For Jaws 212Night Out, Now and Again 216All For a Packet of Crisps 217Fun With the Buses 218

And Finally 226Harrys Whisky Mince Pie Recipe! 226


11/31

Cheers Clarky

During my training at Tulliallan Police College, JimmyClark and I were always in trouble and regularly givenpunishment details. Not for anything bad, I might add.

One particular punishment was for parking in thewrong area. As Junior Division recruits, we were detailedto help out at the final qualifying-night party being held

for the senior division following their final passing-outparade.

This entailed Jimmy and I helping to serve them withtheir meal then, when they had finished eating, we wouldbe required to clear the tables and collect all crockery andcutlery for washing.

During this part of the evening, all the senior divisionhad entered the Crush Hall, where they had a bar and adisco set up.

Once we had finished clearing up, Jimmy and I wereabout to leave when we were instructed to attend at theCrush Hall and help the bar staff collect the empty glasses!

Under protest, we both attended and, as we entered, the

party was winding down, although there was a goodmajority of them still on the floor dancing.

The tables were laden with drink as we both wentabout, weaving our way in and out with our trays,collecting the empty glasses.

At one table there were a lot of full glasses so Jimmy

and I decided to clear up quicker by helping to emptythem.

I had the whisky and Jimmy had the vodka.Every time a table got up to dance, Jimmy and I would

move in like the man in black in the Milk Tray advert and,

LAS T NIGHT ON THE BEAT 1


12/31

during their absence, we would help relieve them of theirhangover by draining their glasses for them!

It turned out to be one of the best punishment detailswe were ever on Hic! Cheers, Clarky! Hic!

Fatal Road Accident

I once attended a fatal road accident, whereby, armed witha photo of the female victim, I attended her home address.I knocked on the door which was opened by her husbandand showing him her photograph, I asked, Is this yourwife?

Yes. He replied immediately.Well, it looks like shes been hit by a bus!Too which he responded, Maybe so, but shes got a great

personality!

Polis Ansaphone

I always wanted to record this and play it for a laugh.The Strathclyde Polis are not here right noo. So here is

what wed like you to do. Leave your name, your numberand a message too and we will get right back to you.

NAE CHANCE!

2 HARRY THE POLIS


13/31

The Tasmanian Devil

During the World Pipe Band Championships atBellahouston Park, in Glasgow, I was engaged in motor-cycle patrol duties in the park when a young man, dressedin full Highland regalia, tartan kilt and all, approachedmy partner John Knox and myself and identified himselfas a serving police officer from Tasmania, visiting

Scotland to take part in the championships.He asked if he could take a photograph of John and I on

our police motorcycles, to which we readily agreed.He then began to set up his camera, using a light meter

and changing lens and filter.While he did all this, I interrupted him and suggested he

take his photograph from the opposite side, whereby hewould also include all the competing pipe bands in the back-ground with their variety of colourful tartans on display.

Great idea! He agreed.He then proceeded to check the light meter again,

changing the camera lens and filters for the new angle Ihad suggested.

Satisfied he had the correct lighting filters fitted, hebegan to focus his camera on us.

He then knelt down on the grass to capture his prizedphotograph, when bonk! in true commando-styleScottish-kilt-wearing, I witnessed a most unexpectedsurprise, as down from below his kilt and onto the grass

below dropped his rather well-endowed penis!This was definitely a 100-per-cent-genuine Tasmanian

Devil!If I didnt know better, Id have sworn it was eating the

grass!



14/31

As it was, it certainly appeared to be feeding on some-thing!

At this point, two elderly women were passing and oneof them an interest in what was happening with us.

On seeing the aforementioned exposed TasmanianDevil in full view and full colour, she grabbed hold of herfriends arm and in the loudest whisper Ive ever heard, shesaid, Peggy! Peggy! Quick! Would you look at the size o

his cock? It looks like a weans arm hanging oot a pram!Peggy turned around and looked on in amazement, then

said to the young photographer, I bet youre not fromaround here, son?

No, maam, he replied in a proud voice. Im fromTasmania!

Of course you are and youre obviously eating your fivea day cause youre a fine specimen of a boy! Peggy said.Why thank you, maam! he said, happily blushing.By the way! Peggy added, you almost gave Cathy a

stroke!No he did not! interrupted Cathy, then in a wicked

girlie voice she said, But I wish he would have!

Both women then walked off giggling like a pair ofnaughty young schoolgirls.

As for our Tasmanian police colleague, he was none thewiser as to what he had done, or the unexpected thrill hehad bestowed upon two elderly Glasgow spinsters on aday out, strolling in the park!

However, I often wonder, thinking back to that day, ifthat is why all photographers, use the saying, Watch theBirdie!

4 HARRY THE POLIS


15/31

Dont Panic Missus Mannering!

I attended a call from a young couple, reporting they hadnot seen their elderly neighbour, Missus Mannering, forsome time.

She lived on the top-floor flat of a tenement building onthe main street of Rutherglen.

I asked the usual questions of them, When was she last

seen?Three days ago, when she returned from a visit to her

son who lives in Morecambe!Has she any family relatives or friends up here? I

asked.No relatives, but she has a male friend who left to go

back home, prior to us contacting you! replied theneighbour.How old is her friend and did he gain entry to the

house? I enquired.Hes in his seventies and he was at the door for ages,

trying to get in, but there was no reply! he answered.I then began knocking loudly on her door but, like her

neighbours before me, there was no response from MissusMannering.

The young couple was beginning to think the worse fortheir elderly neighbour.

I informed them, that the next step in the proceedingswould be to consider using force on her front door to

gain entry.The neighbours were in agreement with this course of

action.The door was large and solid with a decorative glass

pane above it.



16/31

There were three locks fitted, but only one appeared tobe in use.

I then performed the statutory polis action by openingthe letterbox and having a good sniff!

Now, Im not sure why we always do this, because mostold people have a certain smell about them, and withoutsounding disrespectful, Im sure you know what I mean,but if you dont, its that musty smell of Abernethy

biscuits and piss!Anyways, it looks good for the punters hanging around,

before I get down to the real business of systematicallydemolishing the auld yins nice door.

Right, stand back please and give me some leg room, Isaid, as I used all my force, coupled with my size 9 Doc

Martens to boot the door lock.I had to perform this action three or four times, before crash! bang! wallop! and the door burst open under mypressure.

As the door lock gave way, it swung open, then due tothe force I had exerted, it crashed again, as the door safetychain that was fitted, broke, causing the door to strike a

mirror hanging on the wall behind the door, dislodging itoff the wall and culminating in it smashing into severalpieces as it hit the floor.

Then, before the door swung back to the closed posi-tion, the decorative glass pane above it shattered due to theimpact, raining glass down onto the stair landing.

Once the dust had settled, I entered the apartment,pushing the door and the broken wood and glass debrisaside.

As I entered the hallway, I was stunned and surprised tosee the small frail like figure of Missus Mannering, with a

6 HARRY THE POLIS


17/31

look of fear etched across her terror stricken face,standing halfway up the hall staring back at me.

I had to react quickly to calm the situation, so I put myhands up, in a typical Basil Fawlty-type manner, and likeClive Dunns reassuring character, Dads Army fashionwhen all appears lost, I shouted at her, Dont panicMissus Mannering! Dont panic! Its all right dear, its justthe police, checking to see that youre safe and well!

SAFE AND WELL!Her shocked facial expression gave the impression that I

had rapidly accelerated her sell-by-date and she was aboutto drop down dead at my feet, there and then!

I then approached her, put my hands on her shoulders,spun her around and ever-so-gently, led her totally stunned

and shocked tiny frail figure, towards the living room area.We were followed closely by the young couple, whoappeared extremely awkward and embarrassed by whathad occurred, due to their obvious concern for theirelderly neighbour.

I made my apologies for the damage caused and quicklypassed the buck by adding that I was acting on her young

neighbours advice and their genuine concern, that shemay have suffered a sudden illness or fallen over, injuringherself.

I then asked the neighbour to make her a cup of tea andif possible, slip a couple of valium into it, as she appearedto be suffering from a severe shock to her system!

After some tea, accompanied by some welcome,comforting hugs and cuddles from the young femaleneighbour, (which I thoroughly enjoyed, to the annoyanceof her husband). Only kidding, it was Missus Manneringshe was cuddling.



18/31

With some TLC, Missus Mannering recovered from theterrifying surprise of her unexpected gatecrasher.

TLC in this scenario referring to The Loony Cop!I left in the knowledge that the young neighbour would

replace the glass and effect the repair of the demolisheddoor and locks.

This being the case, I wished them all the best.They thanked me for my professionalism, after which I

made a hasty Gung Ho retreat, whilst Missus Manneringwas still breathing on her own, without any assistance.

However! Please dont let this story put you offcontacting the police if you havent seen your elderlyneighbour for a few days.

Remember!we are here to assist you, the public. It just

might be a good idea not to call me!

Kids, Youve Got To Love Them

A colleague of mine received appreciation letters from a

local primary school, thanking him for showing themaround the police station during their recent visit.

However, one letter stated, Thank you for letting mevisit your police station. Until I met you and your policecolleagues, I didnt know what a criminal really lookedlike up close.

I do hope my colleagues did not confuse the child!

8 HARRY THE POLIS


19/31

Fooled You

A good colleague of mine in the police had a twin brotherworking in another part of Glasgow.

Both brothers, Stewart and Clyde, were well known andinstantly recognisable due to their appearance. They were,as we say in Glasgow, as black as two in the morning!

On this particular night, Clyde was working in the

Parkhead area of Glasgow and responded to a call, froman officer in the Bridgeton area requiring urgent assist-ance, with a serious disturbance, involving several youthsfighting.

He made his way at speed in his police vehicle to thelocation and as he arrived, the youths responsible ran off

in all directions.The officers at the centre of the disturbance, signalledfor Clyde to chase after the main instigator and trouble-maker of the incident, pointing him out as he tried tomake good his escape.

Clyde took to his heels and gave chase. Within a very shortdistance, he had caught up with the accused, who kept

looking back, but could see nothing in the dark lit night.After a few more strides, Clyde rugby tackled him

around the waist and pulled him to the ground.The accused was shocked and looked up at Clyde in

total amazement with his eyes wide open and fear writtenall over his face!

He continued to stare at Clyde in utter shock and dis-belief, while being handcuffed.

At which point Clyde stared him right in the face andsaid, Whats up with you then? Never seen a Catholicbefore?



20/31

Unisex Toilets

Occasionally, I get invited to the odd event: sports dinners,Burns suppers and charity fund-raisers so you can imagine mysurprise when I was invited along to a celebrity VIP night,opening of a newly refurbished club/diner in the city centre.

Along I went on the night, smartly dressed in a suit andafter the initial meeting and greeting certain faces I knew,

I grabbed myself a couple of drinks and a plateful of horsdoeuvres from the very impressive buffet selection madeavailable to the guests.

After about an hour, I required to visit the little boys roomand was directed through by one of the many assistantson hand to help. But, little did I know this ultra-modern, fully

refurbished establishment followed the latest trend acrossEurope unisex toilets.On entry there are mirrors and sinks on one side and

smart looking cubicles on the other.I promptly entered one before I met another user and

had to make conversation. Once inside the cubicle I satdown on the impressive throne and was only settled down

for a moment, when a female voice from the next cubiclesaid, Hi there!

I looked either side of my cubicle before politelyreplying, Hi!

What are you up to? She asked.Oh, just the same as you . . . Im just sitting here. I said.

Is it okay if I come over? She asked.Well eh, its a bit embarrassing at the moment. I responded.Then her mood changed and she said, Listen Danielle,

let me phone you back in five minutes, theres an idiot inthe next cubicle answering all my questions!

10 HARRY THE POLIS


21/31

Cathys Meals

As a serving police officer in Glasgow during the 1970s,many an accused person that I arrested in the south-side ofGlasgow would genuinely plead with me to take them toGovan, or any other station for that matter, complainingabout the food, loosely described as prisoner meals andserved up by the civilian female turnkey officer responsible

for feeding them, whilst detained in police custody atCraigie Street.

Believing them to be exaggerating, I would neversuccumb to their request, but I was later to experience itfor myself first hand and realise why I was continuallyasked.

It was during a stint, performing the duty of bar officerwithin Craigie Street Police Office, where I was respon-sible for checking the prisoners welfare and safety whilein my custody and making the female turnkey officeraware of how many of them were being detained for courtthe following morning and would therefore require to besupplied with a meal.

It was also considered a perk of the job as the barofficer, that if you wanted a cooked meal from her, youjust let her know in advance and she would cook you ameal at the same time.

Most of the regular turnkeys at the various other policestations in our area, would make life simple for themselves

by doing the easy thing and sending out to the local chipshop for fish and chips or sausage and chips in order tofeed them, thereby using up the subsistence allowance theywere allocated from the petty cash, to spend on eachprisoners meal.

LAST NIGHT ON THE BEAT 11


22/31

However, the highly experienced and long term CathyCarberry, who was a sister-in-law of the duty officer incharge and my specific female turnkey working with myshift, didnt agree to this and would insist in providing theprisoners in her care with some real home made family food!

Her description, not mine.Also by doing this, she could save some money from the

subsistence allowance she was allocated by the police in

order to feed them, by cooking her meals in bulk.Definitely a cheaper alternative.

I walked into her kitchen and interrupted her during thepreparation of one of her so called, real home madefamily dinners and promptly announced:Thats anothertwo prisoners just been detained in custody Cathy and the

duty officer would like them to be fed, so thatll be ninecustomers you now have for dinner.Whilst making her aware of our updated guest list, I

glanced down at the blue plastic plates spread out on herkitchen table to peruse her classic cuisine on offer.

Each plate contained of two slices of some sort of pinkmeat, which I could only crudely describe as resembling

reject skin grafts from a hospital burns unit. It was sothinly cut I had to touch it to make sure it wasnt a photocopy she had thrown onto the plates to fool the unsus-pecting prisoners.

With a limited amount of frozen potato chips spreadaround the plates there wasnt enough to disguise or hide

the fact that the bottom of the plate was blue and to crownit all off, she had a pot of baked beans bubbling away onthe gas ring.

Well thats aw the frozen chips I have and Im no goingout tae the shops at this time tae buy any mair and Im

12 HARRY THE POLIS


23/31

buggered if Im opening up another tin o spam for themeither. So sod it! Itll teach them for getting the jail at thistime o night!

At that, she leaned over the table and began to lift chipsfrom the plates she had previously set out and placed themonto the two extra plates. Spreading them out sparingly inan effort to make the plate look busy and cutting in halfany big ones that were over a certain size.

She then lifted up the thinly sliced meat she hadprepared earlier from each plate in turn and ripped a pieceoff each one, to add to the extra plates.

Finally, Cathy finished them off by counting the numberof chips on each plate, making sure they were all equalwith fourteen each, before plopping a spoonful of hot

bubbling baked beans over them all, just to add a splash ofcolour and supplement the prisoners protein intake!At this point, I might add, she put the loaves and fishes

feast to shame by her distribution methods, carried out toperfection.

The final piece of Cathys Culinary Cuisine came in theshape of a faded plastic blue mug and a slice of pan bread,

a Basic loaf from Tesco, at a cost of about twelve pence,with a scraping of cheap, tasteless margarine.

Now we are definitely not talking Jamie Oliver here. ButOliver! maybe. . . and Gruel! most definitely.

I dont think Im gonnae huv enough dinner tae feedyou as well Harry! she said apologetically.

Dont worry about me Cathy, Ill just get by with agreasy fish supper out of Marinis chippie on the mainstreet and think of what I might have had! I repliedcondescendingly.

Although, I really wanted to say, Thank you Lord!



24/31

Will ye help me feed them? She asked. As she pouredwhat she described as their tea, into their individual blueplastic mugs.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, which ever way you lookat it, several of the prisoners had been locked up in a cellall day and were so hungry, they would have welcomed ascabby cat atween two slices o stale bread. But thatwasnt on todays menu.

However, some of the other prisoners, who were moresceptical, scrutinised their plate and asked, Ho big man,whit is this yere givin me?

Its your dinner! I replied, somewhat unconvincingly.My dinner? Are you having a laugh! I got the friggin

jail last night cause ah hit my wife for giving me a plate

o grub that was five times better than this shite! Cameback the reply, before continuing, Whos in the kitchentonight, Fanny Craddock or that other fanny wi hisAtkins diet?

It was difficult to argue with him, however, the plasticmug of tea was the icing on the cake for many a prisonerthat night.

Whit is this pish yere givin us now big yin? I wasasked by a prisoner, staring into his blue plastic mug like aclairvoyant, desperate to see a tea leaf and find out if hehad a future.

Its your mug of tea! I responded, somewhat hesitantly.He looked at it intently for a moment and said, Frigging

hell big man, when I was as weak as that, my wee mammywould sit up all night tae nurse me! There isnae any tealeaves in my mug tae confirm it is tea!

Whoever came up wi that load o crap and called it ameal, must work for the Government, cause as long as

14 HARRY THE POLIS


25/31

yere dishin oot that load o shite for prisoners grub, yellno need tae bring back hanging as a deterrent, will ye?

Fortunately, I believe the meals have improved since thenbut I believe Cathy came up with the concept for HellsKitchen before Gordon Ramsay!

Mind you! She might even be the forerunner that startedthe 5-a-day trend . . . Spam, Chips, Beans, Bread and Tea!

Tell It Like It Is!

I was standing at a check-out in Tesco, Silverburn, when awoman joined the queue behind me with a child of about

4 years-of-age.The child was bawling her heart out and loudlyscreaming, Ah want my daddy . . . Ah want my daddy.

The mother said, Ye cannae get yer daddy, noo shut upand eat yer sweeties!

Ah dont want sweeties, ah want my daddy. The childrepeated, through a mixture of tears and snotters.

Well ye cannae get yer daddy. The mother replied.How can ah no get my daddy? The distraught child

asked.To which the mother callously replied, Because yer

daddys fucked off back tae Poland . . . Noo eat yersweeties and shut up!

Nothing like breaking the news gently to the kids!



26/31

David Hay Said He Will Pay!

One of my favourite police motorcycle duties wasescorting the various visiting football teams to Ibrox,Parkhead and Hampden Park in Glasgow.

On this particular occasion back in 1983, I was detailedto escort the English champions, Nottingham Forest, whoarrived to play Glasgow Celtic in a European match.

I met with the Forest manager, undoubtedly one of thegreatest of his era, Brian Clough, and introduced myselfto him and vice versa.

Pleasantries completed, I then escorted the teamthrough the city centre to Celtic Park for the game.

At the end of the game, I was outside the front door of

the stadium waiting for the Forest team to appear and getback aboard their team coach, which would take them toGlasgow Airport, for their short flight home.

With all the players and officials safely aboard, Iescorted them, blue lights flashing as we sped along theM8 motorway.

Suddenly, the coach driver began flashing his headlights

and indicated he was pulling over onto the emergencyhard shoulder.

I pulled over and stopped in front of the coach andwas walking back to see what the problem was when thegreat man himself, Brian Clough, stepped off the teambus, approached me and asked if I knew where David Hay,

the Celtic football manager, had his public house, inPaisley?

I replied that I did and Mister Clough asked if it waspossible to make a detour past it, en-route to the airport,which I agreed to.

16 HARRY THE POLIS


27/31

I carried on along the motorway, coming off at the exitthat would take us along to David Hays pub.

As we stopped opposite the front door, Brian Cloughgot off the team bus, crossed the road and went insidebefore returning to the bus moments later, he gave me thethumbs up to continue on our journey!

On our arrival at the Airport, Brian Clough came overand thanked me for my assistance, and I took the oppor-

tunity to ask him why he went in to David Hays pub?Simple young man! he replied in his illustrious voice. I

ordered up drinks for everyone who was in the bar andtold the staff to charge it to David Hay!

Cheers for the memory Mister Clough.

Howards Big Regret

I once had the pleasure of working with Howard Marks(Mr Nice) at the Blue Rooms in Liverpool.

Whilst sitting in our dressing room, waiting to go on

stage, we were chatting away, to pass the time, when Iasked Howard, What was your biggest regret, during allyour drug trafficking?

Howard sat for a moment, with glass of red wine in hishand, pondering over the question, when suddenly heraised his eyebrows, looked me straight in the face and

said, Getting caught with your guys!



28/31

On The Bus

I was sitting on the bus, when a young girl carrying a babygot on and sat down beside me.

Within minutes she had pulled out a breast and beguntrying to breastfeed her baby.

I instantly looked the other way, slightly embarrassed byher action.

Then she said, Come on now, or Ill give it to this mansitting beside us!

I immediately gulped, but couldnt resist having asecond glance before looking elsewhere again.

Then moments later she said to her baby, Look, Imwarning you, if you dont take it this time, Im going to

give it to this nice man beside us.I couldnt hold back anymore, I had to intervene andsaid,

Listen hen, do you think you could make up your mind,I was meant to get off the bus four stops back!

Trampoline

Just bought a bed off Groupon from the makers of circustrampolines.

I might be wrong, but I think the wife will hit the roof!

Morriss Safety Motto

Feel secure at night sleep with a policeman!

18 HARRY THE POLIS


29/31

The Sixth Sense

The other night, to pass the time, my partner was showingme some old videos of her friends and family, which hadbeen taken at different functions over the past few years.

Thats my Aunt Isabel and my Uncle Robert. He diedtwo years ago with a heart attack and she died not longafterwards! They reckon she had a broken heart.

Oh, and see her with the blue hat on running up thepath, thats my Aunt Ella. Shes been widowed for yearsafter my Uncle Sam died suddenly while they were onholiday in Turkey. They reckon it was food poisoning, butshe couldnt prove it.

With names like Sam an Ella? Im not surprised! I

responded.Theres my Aunt Ina with the red coat on. She was theone who died in her sleep and you went along with mymother to her funeral at Daldowie Cemetery! Do you notremember it?

The stonemason spelt her name wrong on her head-stone and put Ian instead of Ina! They tried to blame her

daughter for spelling wrong on the order form.And thats Agnes, who my mum goes to the bingo with

and her man George. He suffered a massive heart attack.Poor old Agnes came in from the bingo and thought hewas sleeping in the chair. What a shock she got when shetried to waken him up for his bed an hour later and found

him sitting there, stiff as a board!Oh! and they two are Mary and Tommy who stayed

across the road from my mum and dad. They both died ofcancer, within a month of each other! Shame! They bothstopped smoking last year too!



30/31

After five minutes of watching and listening to all this, Ihad to ask her to switch it off, I was getting so depressed.I felt like wee Haley Joel Osment in the Bruce Willis film,The Sixth Sense.

Everywhere I look . . . I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!

Now Thats Magic!

One evening, along with my partner Ewan Cameron, Iwas on mobile patrol, when I stopped a car for having arear tail-light out.

I informed the driver why I had stopped him and he got

out of his car and went to the rear to check for himself.While doing this, Cameron walked to the front of thecar to check for any other obvious defects.

The driver, meantime, on seeing the defective rear light,lifted his foot and kicked the light cover a few times, atwhich point, due to a short, caused by faulty wiring, thelight came back on.

He then looked at me with a smug grin on his face andsaid, There ye go, as if by magic! It just needed a wee kickin the right place!

At which point Cameron said, Good for you, mate.Now would you like to try that trick on your windscreenand see if you can get a valid tax disc to appear?

Now, that really would be magic!

20 HARRY THE POLIS


31/31

Harry thePolis

esign:www.r

ichard

budddesign.co.u

k

iStockillustration:ImagesUnlimitedandRichardBudd

The hilarious adventures of Harry the Polis as recalled by

ex-polis Harry Morris, the self-appointed Chief Constable of

funny stories, continue with the publication of his tenth book,

Last Night on the Beat. Full of brilliant anecdotes, oddballcharacters, quick comebacks and unlikely excuses, Harry

demonstrates true Glaswegian humour at its finest.

Harry Morris is out to show a side of our industrious police

force that we dont often see the lighter side. His time withthe Glasgow and Strathclyde constabulary, or polis for short,

hasnt robbed Harry of his sense of humour, and every wily

witness, cocky con, and sarcastic sergeant he ever rubbed up

against is here in page after page of humorous stories.

Here is the definitive collection of Harry the Polis tales thatwill tempt your laughter lines into making an appearance and

have you flashing your gnashers!

ALSO AVAILABLE FROM HARRY THE POLIS

Even the Lies are True!

Even More LiesNuthin Like the Truth

Yere Never Gonnae Believe It!

Aye, That Will Be Right!Ah Cannae Tell A Lie!

BEST OF

BEST OF

the last night on the beat by harry the polis

Documents