it wisnae me honest by harry morris aka harry the polis

8/3/2019 It Wisnae Me Honest by Harry Morris aka Harry the POlis

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Theres beena Murder

ItWisnae Me...Honest!

HARRY MORRIS

Harry the

PolisHARRY MORRIS

The funniest, most human polison the beat ... Mike Riddoch, Radio Clyde


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HARRY THE POLISIT WISNAE ME . . . HONEST!

HARRY MORRIS

BLACK & WHITE PUBLISHING


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First published 2011

by Black & White Publishing Ltd

29 Ocean Drive, Edinburgh EH6 6JL

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 11 12 13 14

ISBN 978 1 84502 355 3

Copyright Harry Morris 2011

The right of Harry Morris to be identified as the author of this work has

been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright Designs and

Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,

stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means,

electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without

permission in writing from the publisher.

The publisher has made every reasonable effort to contact copyright

holders of images in the picture section. Any errors are inadvertent

and anyone who, for any reason, has not been contacted is invited to

write to the publisher so that a full acknowledgement can be made

in subsequent editions

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Typeset by RefineCatch Ltd, Bungay, Suffolk

Printed by CPI Cox & Wyman, Reading


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To my Marion and her continual fight

to raise awareness and find a cure for cancer


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Also available from Harry the Polis:

Even the Lies Are TrueEven More Lies

Nuthin Like the TruthYere Never Gonnae Believe It!

Aye, That Will Be Right!

Ah Cannae Tell a LieUp Tae My Neck in Paperwork

Theres Been a Murder!

Look Whos Up For A Blether(DVD LIVE AUDIO PERFORMANCE)


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The Highway Code

Oot fae the pub, tae the smell o chipsChow mein and curry, gies me the pipsPizza is fine, but its no my first choiceSo its intae the chippie, wi aw the boys

Ah fancy a supper, with a juicy big pickle

Pies, fish or haggis, Im definitely fickleWrapped in the Herald or Evening TimesSoaking wi vinegar, a favourite o minesThe smell is brill and they taste just greatIve stertit already, cause ah cannae wait

Heid doon n eating, my pickles a stoater

Straight ontae the road, n hit wi a motorIm ten feet in the air, alang wi my chipsDidnae eat any, cause they burned my lipsNoo, Im deid, cause ah didnae look twiceNever ate my pickle, that looked really nice

My fish looked tasty, doused in vinegar n saltBlootered wi a motor, but it wisnae his fault

I might just come back, as a kitten or a pupAnd when I cross a road, Ill keep my heid upThe moral o my story, is The Highway CodePractice makes perfect, when crossing a road!


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Contents

Introduction xiii

PART ONE

Holy Shit! 1How is Joseph Docherty? 2

Away For A Bucket 3Hes Armless! 6Anything For You! 7Polish It! 8Knee Jerk Reaction 9Tam & Senga 9

Nature Boy 10Christmas Quiz 11Imitation Love 12Back To Front 13Spoil Sport 14An Apple A Day 14ESSO 15

Ear, Nose & Throat 17Donnies Dilemmas 18Bootiful 19Direct Line 20Translator 21

PART TWOUse A Typist 22The Phone Call 23Britains Constitution 25Too Hot! 25


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Bumper Sticker 25Bargain Galore 26The Marriage 27Seafood Platter 28Shes Electric 29Let There Be Light 30Whatll It Be! 31

St James Church 32A Glasgow Endearment 33Sausages! 34Help Is Near 36Thats Life 37Swap Over 38

Im Here 40Safe Sex 40Good Joke 41Been There 44Go For It 45

PART THREE

Wedding Speech Tips 46Bite Yer Lip! 50Spell Check! 51Its Snow Nice 52We Wont Get Fooled Again! 54Is That Right? 56

Court Jesters 57The Big Yin 59Facebook Liar 60Whits He Oan Aboot? 62My Pal Charles 63


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Wee Fishes 65Gentleman Ned 66Forget The Change 69He No Be Back! 70Grim Reaper 72I Hear You Knocking 72Harrys Joke Pages 73

Ebay 75Police Desk 76Tyred Of Neds 77Tip Off 78Say What You Mean 79

PART FOUR

Aragosa! 80Nurse Munro 84Eye Right! 85Love Again 86Who Am I? 87The Earth Moved 88

Flying My Kite 95Youre Wanted 96Bonk! 96Whos Fault! 97Double Take 100Anything You Say 101

Drink Up! 102Dont Ask 103Organic White Tea 104Glesca Polis At Their Best 105Lucky White Heather 108


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PART FIVE

The Lingo 109Groggery Speck! 110The Cubicle 111Doctor! Doctor! 112PC Illiterate 113Holy Whit! 117

Porky & Best 118Second Wife Syndrome 119Teleprinters 120Wear O Ware 121Workmate 122Trapped By The Goolies! 123

I See Nuthin! 124Terrorist Attack 126Parrot Patter 127I Know You! 128Be A Sport 129Come Quick 130Pastoral News 130

PART SIX

Computers Are US 131PC Tips 132Norah Batty 133Whit! 134

Four Worms! 135Gone Fishing 136Choking! 137Hulk Hogan Calling 138


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Spell It! 143Who Am I? 144Cough! 145Word Perfect 146Big Baby 147Bye Bye Baby 148When Youre Smiling 149

Police Questionaire 150Lost 151Chance Meeting 151In It To Win It! 152Zippety-Doo-Dah! 154Say Again! 155

Funneeee! 156Donnies Solution 157Fishy Story 158Ferraris Next 159Something Smells Fishy 160Bank Loans 161Question Time 161

Taxi Confessions 162News Of The Screws 163Wooden Top 164Wedding Party 166The Haircut 167Welcome Back Sir 168

Dear Green Place 171Whos The Daddy? 172


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Holy Shit!

A police firearms officer walked over to a tree duringthe Raul Moat stand-off and propped up his shotgunagainst it.

Just then, a gust of wind blew his gun over, causing it todischarge and shoot him in the genitals.

An ambulance was summoned to attend and he wasrushed off with sirens blaring to the local Accident andEmergency.

Several hours later, while lying in a hospital bed, he wasapproached by his doctor who said Well officer, I havesome good news and some bad news . . .

Oh no! Im going to die . . . Am I going to die doctor?Tell me!No, not at all, in fact, the good news is youre going to

be alright. The damage to your genital area was confinedto your groin and there was very little internal damage, sowe were able to remove all of the buckshot.

So whats the bad news then doctor? Asked the police

officer.Well the bad news is there was some pretty extensive

buckshot damage to your penis and, as a result, Im goingto have to refer you to my brother William.

Well, I reckon that isnt too bad, considering. Thepolice officer replied.

Is your brother William a top plastic surgeon?Not exactly. Answered the doctor. He plays with the

Larkhall Flute Band and hes going to teach you where to putyour fingers so you dont pish all over your trouser legs!

IT WISNAE ME . . . HONEST! 1


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How is Joseph Docherty?

A man telephoned London Road Police Office and asked,Is it possible to speak to the officer in charge to get anupdate on a person being detained in custody.

The operator said, Certainly sir. Whats the name ofthe person you are enquiring about?

The caller replied, Joseph Docherty.The operator replied, Let me put you on hold while I

just check with the officer in charge.After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone

and said, I have good news. Ive just been informed thatJoseph is being discharged from custody within the next

half hour. His details are just being confirmed on the PNCsystem, after which, hell be allowed to leave.The caller said, Oh thanks for that hen. Thats good to

know. I was so worried. Thanks again for the good news!The operator replied, Youre more than welcome sir . . .

Is Joseph your son?To which the caller responded, No, not at all. Its me!

Im Joseph Docherty and Ive been sitting waiting in one ofyour detention rooms for nearly two hours now and nobugger has bothered their backside to come and tell me athing about whats happening . . . But now I know . . .Thanks again!

2 HARRY THE POLIS


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Away for a Bucket

On my way out the other day there, my missus couldntresist asking me to do some errands whilst I was out.

Can ye call intae a hardware shop and get me a bucket?Ah bucket? What particular kind would ye like? I

asked.

Any kind! She replied. Its only a plastic bucket yerbuying, no a motor!

Armed with my orders from her indoors, I promptlyleft before she could think of anything else for meto get.

As I drove down the road I saw a hardware shop, so I

stopped and went in.Seeing that the shop assistant was an elderly woman, Idecided to have some fun with her and talk in a brokenforeign language.

Yes son, whit can I get ye? She asked.Do you have bucket? I said.A bucket? Whit kind o bucket would ye like? She

asked.Plastic bucket . . . without motor!A plastic bucket without a motor! She mumbled to

herself. Aye, jist oer in the corner there, son. She replied,directing me towards a display of grey coloured buckets allneatly stacked against a wall.

I stood looking at them for a few moments, promptingher to come over to me and enquire.

Ur ye awright there, son? Ye look like yere lost.I looked at her and said, This is bucket?



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Aye, thats yer bucket. She replied.Okay, I take bucket. I said.The elderly woman reached over and lifted one off the

top of the display and, holding it out, she said, There yego son, thatll be 2.99.

This is where I started to really have some fun.Excuse, but do you have red one, thank you?

No, Im sorry son, Ive only got grey. She replied,holding the grey bucket in one hand and extending herother hand out for payment.

Okay! I take blue one! I said.With a puzzled expression on her face, she said, I dont

have a blue one, I only have grey. Her voice getting louder.

But you say you dont have red one?Thats right, I dont have a red one but I dont have ablue one either. At that, she pushed her hand out further,looking for payment. So I continued in this vein.

Well give to me yellow one, please!Ur you listening, or huv ye a wee problem under-

staunin the Queens lingo? Ive telt ye ah only have grey

buckets. Look at the display, theyre aw grey, noo here,take this! She said, pushing the grey bucket at me.

You dont have yellow bucket? I persisted.Naw! I dont have red, blue, yellow, purple, black or any

other colour. Ah only have grey buckets! She blurted out,getting slightly exasperated. Noo, dae ye want it, aye or

naw?No other colour? I said.Naw, nae other colour, noo here, take it. She said,

forcing the bucket at me.

4 HARRY THE POLIS


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I looked at her for a moment, as traces of steam beganto appear from both her ears and said. Okay lady, I willtake white one!

She promptly put the grey bucket back into the displayand turned to me and said, Read my lips! You . . . oot omy shop!

I looked at her with a strained expression and said, But

I dont understand. I need bucket!Ah know ye dae son, but if I listen tae ye much longer,

Ill need a bloody bucket as well. Noo, nae offence, butaway ye go tae hell. She replied. At that, she took hold ofmy arm and started to lead me to the door.

Okay! Okay! I yelled. I take grey bucket.

She immediately stopped, looked at me for a moment,then went back over to the display and picked out the greybucket again.

Here! She said, handing it to me. Thatll be 2.99!As I took possession of the grey bucket, I paused for a

moment while fumbling with my money to pay her, Youtake Euro?

Naw! Pounds only, none o that Euro crap.As I handed over the money, I couldnt resist asking her

again.So! You dont have orange bucket?At that, she lost it completely, grabbed the bucket back

pushed my money into my hand and said, Thats it,

enoughs, enough. Get oot ma shop right now, yerebarred!

With her face getting as red as a beetroot, I had to comeclean.



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Woah! Woah! Woah! Im only kidding ye on hen. Itsjust a wind-up! I said.

Whereby, she stopped, looked at me and said, Ya bigbugger! Are you at it?

Aye! I was only joking wi ye. I replied.Yer jist joking! Well ah hope ye enjoyed the joke, but

guess whit, Im no joking and youre still barred! At that

she grabbed my arm and guided me to the door.Noo get oot ma shop and dont come back!Whereby, she promptly slammed the shop door shut.

Hes Armless! I saw one of my old police colleagues the other day whowas involved in a serious road accident, whereby he hadhis arm amputated . . . bless him. I shouted over, Whereare you off to Tommy?

To change a light bulb. He replied.

Thats going to be a bit awkward for you, with only onearm?

To which he replied in an irate voice.Not really. Ive still got the frigging receipt, ye sarcastic

bastard!

6 HARRY THE POLIS


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Anything for You!

A retired police Commander was sitting with his wifehaving dinner one evening when he reached across the table,took her hand in his and said, Margaret, very soon we willhave been married fifty years and theres something I needto ask you. In all these years of married bliss, has there ever

been a time when you have been unfaithful to me?Margaret looked straight at him, paused for a moment

then said, Well Alex, I have to be honest with you andanswer yes. In all our fifty years together Ive beenunfaithful to you on three occasions but, in saying that, ithas always for a specific reason.

Alex was obviously upset by his wifes forthright confes-sion and said, I never, ever suspected . . . Then he thinksfor a moment and asks her, Can you explain what youmean when you said specific reasons?

Margaret began to explain, Well the first time was afew years after we were married and we were about to loseour little house because we were struggling to make the

mortgage payments. Do you remember the evening Iarranged a meeting with the bank manager and thefollowing day he contacted you and said that our loanwould be extended?

Alex recalled the night she met the bank manager andsaid, Okay! I can forgive you for that. You did it to save

our home, but what about the second time?Margaret said, Right. The second time was when you

were very sick and we didnt have the money to pay for theheart surgery you required. Well, I went to see your



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consultant one night and, if you remember, the very nextday, he admitted you and did your surgery with no charge.

I remember it well, said Alex. And you did that to savemy life, of course I can forgive you for that. But youll haveto tell me about the third time. I need to know in order toput my mind at rest.

Alright, alright! Margaret said. Do you remember the

time when you decided to run for the position of chairmanof the Scottish Police Federation, and you needed to get anextra seventy-three votes?

Well that was the third time!

Knee Jerk Reaction

I saw a woman in Glesca wearing a sweatshirt withGuess? on it.

So I said, Implants! And she hit me.

Tam & Senga

Tam and Senga, a young Glesca couple were walking inthe East Kilbride shopping centre with their newbornbaby, when they decided to go into the Mothercare Storefor a look at some of the latest newborn baby things.

When they came back out they started to walk away,when Senga noticed something different and said, HereTam, thats not our baby.

Tam replied, Shut up Senga and keep walking, its abetter pram than ours!

8 HARRY THE POLIS


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Polish it!

It was a relatively quiet day in the Govan Headquartersrear charge bar area, so the janitor and a few of the FSOstaff were having a clean and tidy up day.

The charge bar was getting a right old spit and polishand, as a result, it was totally gleaming, when a Russian

male was brought in as a suspected illegal alien and theduty officer was informed that he spoke in broken English.

He was instructed to empty out his pockets and place allbelongings on the custody desk.

He put some coins and keys down and when he took outhis bank card, he threw it onto the counter, where it slid

along the gleaming custody desk and straight off the otherside onto the floor.Not wishing to appear aggressive, he immediately

began apologising.The duty officer quickly put him at ease.Its okay! - We polish.The bemused, if not confused suspect responded.

Polish?No! No! No!Not Polish.Im Russian!



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Nature Boy

Early one morning, whilst walking through Rouken GlenPark in Giffnock, my friend Andrew came upon a manhugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against the tree.

On seeing this he inquired, Just out of curiosity mate,what exactly are you doing?

Im listening to the music of the tree. He replied.Youre listening to the music of the tree? Are you joking

me? He said.Certainly not, would you like to listen for yourself?Understandably curious, Andrew said, Okay . . . Wrapping his arms around the tree, he pressed

his ear up against it, whereby the other guy slapped a pairof handcuffs on his wrists and promptly relieved him ofhis wallet, watch and car keys, after which, he strippedhim of all his clothes and left him naked.

Andrew called out for help, but to no avail.However, after about two hours another nature lover outfor a morning walk in the park strolled by, saw Andrew in

the nude, handcuffed to the tree and asked, What the hellhappened to you, pal?

Andrew related the whole terrible story to his rescuer,about what had taken place and when hed finished tellinghis story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, beforehe casually walked around the tree behind him, kissed him

gently behind the ear and whispered, This just isnt goingto be your day pal, or should I say, sweetheart . . .

10 HARRY THE POLIS


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Harry thePolis

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Hes back with a triple B . . .Both Barrels Blasting in Volume 9!

The hilarious adventures of Glasgows favourite son, Harry

the Polis, continue in his latest offering of stories, jokes,

tales and anecdotes: It Wisnae Me..Honest!

Youll be laughing at the lawyer whose clever insurancescam backfired, the benefits of drinking organic white

tea, a guinea pig attack on the Holy Loch, the unexpected

dangers of nude sun bathing and the game of Who Am I?

Enjoy this latest collection of hilarious, side-splittingtales from the self-appointed Chief Constable of funnystories and remember, Harry assures us theyre all true . . .

HONEST!

ALSO AVAILABLE FROM HARRY THE POLIS

Even the Lies Are True!

Even More LiesNuthin Like the TruthYere Never Gonnae Believe It!Aye That Will Be Right!Ah Cannae Tell a Lie!Up Tae My Neck in Paperwork

Th B M d !

Theres beena Murder

ItWisnae Me...

Honest!

PHOTOGRAPH

BYDAVIDKELLY

it wisnae me honest by harry morris aka harry the polis

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