the model marriage (focus on the family marriage series)
TRANSCRIPT
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FocusontheFamilyisaglobalChristianministrydedicatedtohelpingfamiliesthrive.TheyprovidehelpandresourcesforcouplestobuildhealthymarriagesthatreflectGod’sdesignandforparentstoraisetheirchildrenaccordingtomoralsandvaluesgroundedinbiblicalprinciples.
PRAISEFOR
THEMARRIAGESERIES
Weoftenhearthattheinstitutionofmarriageissuffering.Butthereisgoodnews,too!Bysubmittingtheir
relationshipstoGodandseekingouttherightresources,marriedcouplescanknowwhatitmeanstotrulythrive.That’swhatFocusontheFamily’sMarriageSeriesisallabout.Whetheryou’reinasmallgroup,amentoringrelationship,oryoujustwanttostudyasacouple,thisseriescantransformyourmarriageforthebetter.
JimDalyPresident,FocusontheFamily
Astrongmarriageisthecornerstoneofastronghome,andastronghomeisthecornerstoneofstrongchurchesandcommunities,aswellasournation.TheseBiblestudies
coverthepertinentareasofmakingmarriagesthrive,andIhighlyrecommendthemwhetheryouarenewlymarriedor
seasoned.
Dr.TonyEvansSeniorPastor,OakCliffBibleFellowshipAuthor,KingdomManandKingdomWomanMarriageisanamazingadventure—filledwithexcitement,joyand
challenges.FocusontheFamily’sMarriageSeriesexaminesGod’sgiftofmarriageinallofitswonderfuldimensions.Iconsideritaprivilegetobeinvolvedwiththis
importantsetofrelationship-strengtheningresources.
Dr.GregSmalleyVicePresident,FamilyMinistries,FocusontheFamilyInadayandagewherethecovenantofmarriageissoquicklytossedasideinthenameofincompatibilityandirreconcilabledifferences,amarriageBiblestudythatisbothinspirationalandpracticalisdesperatelyneeded.TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesiswhatcouplesareseeking.IgivemyhighestrecommendationtothisBiblestudyseries
thathasthepotentialtodramaticallyimpactandimprovemarriagestoday.Marriage
isnotsomuchaboutfindingtherightpartnerasitisaboutbeingtherightpartner.ThesestudiesgivewonderfulbiblicalteachingforhelpingthosewhowanttolearnthebeautifulartofbeingandbecomingallthatGodintendsintheirmarriage.
LysaTerKeurstPresident,Proverbs31MinistriesAuthor,CaptureHerHeart;CaptureHisHeart,andtheNewYorkTimesBestsellersMadetoCraveandUngluedTheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesisjustwhatthedoctorordered:It’stimelyandtimeless—chock-fullofgroundedinformationandtoolseverycouplecanputintopractice
immediately.Youwon’twanttomissoutonthisincredibleresource.
Drs.Les&LeslieParrottAuthors,SavingYourMarriageBeforeItStartsInmy31yearsasapastor,I’veofficiatedathundredsofweddings.Unfortunately,manyofthoseunionsfailed.IonlywishtheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSerieshadbeenavailabletomeduringthoseyears.WhatamarveloustoolyouaspastorsandChristianleadershaveatyourdisposal.Iencourageyoutouseittoassistthoseyouserveinbuildingsuccessful,
healthymarriages.
H.B.London,Jr.PastortoPastorsEmeritus,FocusontheFamily
ThismarriagestudyseriesispureFocusontheFamily—reliable,biblicallysoundanddedicatedtoreestablishingfamilyvaluesintoday’ssociety.Thisserieswillnodoubthelpamultitudeofcouplesstrengthentheirrelationship,notonlywitheachother,butalsowithGod,thecreatorof
marriageitself.
BruceWilkinsonAuthor,SecretsoftheVine,ALifeGodRewards,DreamGiverandtheNewYorkTimesBestsellerThePrayerofJabezLookingforaprescriptionforabetter
marriage?You’llenjoythistimelyandpracticalseries!
Dr.KevinLemanBestsellingAuthor,SheetMusic:UncoveringtheSecretsofSexualIntimacyin
Marriage
TableofContents
Cover
TitlePage
CopyrightPage
PraiseforTheMarriageSeries
ForewordbyGaryT.SmalleyandGregSmalley
Introduction
SessionOne:HeroesMaketheRightChoices—Philippians2:9-11Therightchoicesaren’talwaystheeasychoices,buttheyaretheonesthatafulfillingmarriageisbuiltupon.
SessionTwo:TheMysteryofSubmission—Philippians2:6-8Submissioninmarriagemeanswillinglyandlovinglyservingyourspouseevenwhenitisdifficult.
SessionThree:TheMissionofSelf-Sacrifice—Romans5:19Trueloveinvolvessacrificingselfishdesiresforthegoodofyourmarriage.
SessionFour:ChristIsOurModel—Ephesians5:1-2JoyinyourmarriageisfoundthroughlovingyourspousethewayChristlovesHisbride,theChurch.
Leader’sDiscussionGuide
Notes
BackAds
BackCover
Foreword
FocusontheFamily’sTheFamilyProjectisthelargestsingleinitiativeintheministry’shistory.Itisdesignedtoaddressthequestionofwhethertheinstitutionsofmarriageandfamily,asGodcreatedthemandexplainstheminScripture,arestillbestforhumanhealthandhappiness.Inadayandagewhentheseinstitutionsseemtoundergoconstantredefinition—andwhendivorceandthecomplexitiesofdailylifearetakingadevastatingtollonmarriageandfamily—weneedtoaskwhatGodhadinmindwhenHemadetheminthefirstplace.TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesisakeyresourcein
thatinitiative.BasedonthebookYourMarriageMasterpiece,thisserieslooks“behindthecurtain”ofhistory.OtherpartsoftheprogrammakethecasethatmarriageandfamilyreflectthenatureofGodHimself;thisserieslooksingreaterdetailatthemanyaspectsthatmakeupthedivinemasterworkthatisthemarriagerelationship.FocusontheFamilyiswellknownandrespectedworldwide
foritssteadfastdedicationtopreservingthesanctityofmarriageandfamilylife.Thisseriesiswellwritten,biblicallysoundandrightontargetforguidingcouplestoexplorethefoundationGodhaslaidformarriageandtoseeHimastherolemodelfortheperfectspouse.Throughthisseries,seedswillbeplantedthatwillgerminateinyourheartandmindformanyyearstocome.Inourpractical,bottom-lineculture,weoftenwanttojump
overthewhyandgetstraighttothewhat.Wethinkthatbydoingthesixstepsorlearningthefiveways,wewillreachthegoal.Butdeep-rootedgrowthisslowerandmorepurposefulandbeginswithawell-groundedunderstandingofGod’sdivinedesign.Knowingwhymarriageexistsiscrucialtomakingthehow-tosmoreeffective.MarriageisagiftfromGod,auniqueanddistinctcovenantrelationshipthroughwhichHisgloryand
goodnesscanresonate,andonlythroughknowingthearchitectandHisplanwillmarriagesbebuiltonthesurestfoundation.Godcreatedmarriage;Hehasaspecificpurposeforit,and
HeiscommittedtofillingwithfreshlifeandrenewedstrengtheachunionyieldedtoHim.Godwantstogathertheheartsofeverycoupletogether,unitetheminloveandwalkthemtothefinishline—allinHisgreatgraceandgoodness.MayGod,inHisgrace,leadyouintoHistruth,strengthening
yourlivesandyourmarriage.
GaryT.Smalley
SmalleyInstituteandBestsellingAuthor
GregSmalleyVicePresident,FamilyMinistry,FocusontheFamily
Introduction
AtthebeginningofcreationGod“madethemmaleandfemale.”“Forthisreasonamanwillleavehisfatherandmotherandbeunitedtohiswife,andthetwowillbecomeoneflesh.”Sotheyarenolongertwo,but
one.Mark10:6-8
TheModelMarriagecanbeusedinavarietyofsituations,includingsmall-groupBiblestudies,SundaySchoolclasses,counselingormentoringsituations.Acouplecanalsousethisbookasanat-homemarriage-buildingstudy.Eachofthefoursessionscontainsfourmaincomponents.
SessionOverview
TillingtheGroundThisisanintroductiontothetopicbeingdiscussed—commentaryandquestionstodirectyourthoughtstowardthemainideaofthesession.
PlantingtheSeedThisistheBiblestudyportioninwhichyouwillreadScriptureandanswerquestionstohelpdiscoverlastingtruthsfromGod’sWord.
WateringtheHopeThisisatimefordiscussionandprayer.Whetheryouareusingthestudyathomeasacouple,inasmallgrouporinaclassroomsetting,talkingaboutthelessonwithyourspouseisagreatwaytosolidifythetruthandplantitdeeplyintoyourhearts.
HarvestingtheFruitAsapointofaction,thisportionofthesessionofferssuggestionsonputtingthetruthoftheWordintoactioninyourmarriagerelationship.
SuggestionsforIndividualCoupleStudy
Thereareatleastthreeoptionsforusingthisstudyasacouple.
Itmaybeusedasadevotionalstudythateachspousewouldstudyindividuallythroughtheweek;thenonaspecifiedday,cometogetheranddiscusswhatyouhavelearnedandhowtoapplyittoyourmarriage.Youmightchoosetostudyonesessiontogetherinaneveningandthenworkontheapplicationactivitiesduringtherestoftheweek.Becauseoftheshortlengthofthisstudy,itisagreatresourceforaweekendretreat.Takeatripawayfortheweekend,andstudyeachsessiontogether,interspersedwithyourfavoriteleisureactivities.
SuggestionsforGroupStudy
Therearemanywaysthatthisstudycanbeusedinagroupsituation.Themostcommonwayisinasmall-groupBiblestudyformat.However,itcanalsobeusedinanadultSundaySchoolclass.Howeveryouchoosetouseit,therearesomegeneralguidelinestofollowforgroupstudy.
Keepthegroupsmall—fivetosixcouplesisprobablythemaximum.Askcouplestocommittoregularattendanceforthefourweeksofthestudy.Regularattendanceisakeytobuildingrelationshipsandtrustinagroup.Encourageparticipantsnottoshareanythingofapersonalorpotentiallyembarrassingnaturewithoutfirstaskingthespouse’spermission.Whateverisdiscussedinthegroupmeetingsistobeheldinstrictestconfidenceamonggroupmembersonly.
Thereareadditionalleaderhelpsinthebackofthisbook.
SuggestionsforMentoringorCounselingRelationshipsThisstudyalsolendsitselfforuseinrelationshipswhereonecouplementorsorcounselsanothercouple.
Amentoringrelationshipcouldbearrangedthroughasystemsetupbyachurchorministry:Acouplethathasbeenmarriedforseveralyearsisassignedtomeetonaregularbasiswithayoungercouple.Alessformalwaytostartamentoringrelationshipisforayoungercoupletotaketheinitiativeandapproachacouplethatexemplifyamature,godlymarriageandaskthemtomeetwiththemonaregularbasis.Orthereversemightbeamaturecouplethatapproachesayoungercoupletobeginamentoringrelationship.
Whenaskedtomentor,somemightshyawayandthinkthattheycouldneverdothat,knowingthattheirownmarriageislessthanperfect.Butjustaswearetodisciplenewbelievers,wemustlearntodisciplemarriedcouplestostrengthenmarriagesinthisdifficultworld.TheLordhaspromisedtobe“withyoualways”(Matthew28:20).Beforeyoubegintomentoracouple,firstcompletethestudyyourselves.Thiswillservetostrengthenyourownmarriageandprepareyouforleadinganothercouple.Bepreparedtolearnasmuchormorethanthecouple(s)youwillmentor.
TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesisbasedonAlJanssen’sTheMarriageMasterpiece,aninsightfullookatwhatmarriagecan—andshould—be.Inthisstudy,wearepleasedtoleadyouthroughthewonderfuljourneyofdiscoveringthejoyinyourmarriagethatGodwantsyoutoexperience!
HeroesMAKETHERIGHT
Choices
ThereforeGodexaltedhimtothehighestplaceandgavehimthenamethatisaboveeveryname,thatatthenameofJesuseverykneeshouldbow,inheavenandearthandundertheearth,andeverytongueconfessthatJesusChristisLord,tothegloryofGod
theFather.Philippians2:9-11
Whenwethinkofheroes,wetendtothinkofthosewhomakelarger-than-lifesacrificesforthegoodofothers.Theyrushintosavetheoppressedortheendangeredwithnothoughttotheirownlivesorsafety.InhisbookTheMarriageMasterpiece,AlJanssenexplained
thatawomanlongsto“seehermanrideinandsavetheday”andthat“menlongforastrongwomanwhowillmakethemlookgood,notweak.”Everymarriageneedsahero—aspousewhoiswillingtosacrificehisorherowntemporalhappinessforthegoodoftherelationship.
TillingtheGround
ChildrenlovetopretendthattheyarethesuperheroestheyseeonTV,rescuingothersfromneardestruction.Whileboysmaydreamofsavingtheworldfromadastardlyenemy,girlsoftendreamofaknightinshiningarmorwhowillrideinonawhitehorseandrescuethemfromdanger;thenthey’llfallinlove,getmarriedandlivehappilyeverafter.
1.Whowasyourchildhoodhero—realorfictional?
Whywasthispersonaherotoyou?
2.Whoisamarriageheroforyoutoday?
Whatmakesthispersonahero?
3.Howwouldyoudefineahero?
PlantingtheSeedInourcultureweequategettingmarriedwithlivinghappilyeverafter.Unfortunately,toomanycouplesheadofftodivorcecourtinsteadofbecomingheroesandfightingfortheirmarriage.AccordingtoananalysisbytheNationalSurveyofFamiliesandHouseholds,“86percentofunhappilymarriedpeoplewhostickitoutfindthat,fiveyearslater,theirmarriagesarehappier.”[1]
WhatIsaGodlyHero?
Eachofushasdailyopportunitiestochoosetodorightortodowrong;therefore,inthecontextofmarriage,Godcallseverymarriedcoupletoseekrighteousness,ordyingtoself,insteadofsinorself-centeredness.AgodlyheroissomeonewhoultimatelyseekstodothewillofGodinallthatheorshesays
anddoes:“Forinhimweliveandmoveandhaveourbeing”(Acts17:28).
4.WhatdidGodtellAdaminGenesis2:16-17?
5.WhatoccurredafterGodgaveAdamthiscommand,asdescribedintheremainderofGenesis2?
AccordingtotheseversesinGenesis,EvewascreatedafterAdamwasgiventhecommandto“noteatfromthetreeoftheknowledgeofgoodandevil”(v.17).
6.AsyoureadGenesis3:1-3,notethesimilaritiesanddifferencesbetweenwhatEvetoldtheserpentandwhatGodtoldAdamin2:16-17.
DoyouthinkAdampassedalongtoEveGod’scommandregardingthetreeoftheknowledgeofgoodandevil?Explainyouranswer.
7.AccordingtoGenesis3:6,wherewasAdamwhenEveatetheforbiddenfruit?
HowcouldAdamhavebeentheherointhissituation?
AdamshowedpassivenessandevencowardiceintheGardenofEdenwhenhefailedtoconfrontEveandstopherfrommakingthewrongchoice.HecompoundedhislackofactionwhenhejoinedherindisobeyingGod.GodentrustedtoAdamthecareoftheworldandalsotosharewithhiswifetheknowledgethatGodhadgivenhim,includingthisonecommand.Whenthemomentoftrutharrived,Adamactedasifhehadneverheardofthecommand.
8.Whyisitdifficultforonespousetoholdtheotherspouseaccountableforhisorherpoorchoices?
WeeachmustmakepersonalchoicesthatwillaffectourrelationshipwithGod,butoftenwhenwemakethewrongchoices,theresultshaveadetrimentaleffectonourhumanrelationshipsandespeciallyonourmarriage.Wherethencanweturntofindamodelofagodlyhero?To
theBible,ofcourse!
9.Nameatleastthreebiblicalheroesandexplainwhytheyareheroes.
10.Whataresomecommoncharacteristicsoftheseheroes?
OurultimatebiblicalheroisJesusChrist.HegaveupeverythingforHisBride.
11.HowwereJesus’actionsinMatthew26:36-46heroicincomparisontoAdamandEve’sactionsinGenesis3:1-13?
TheagonyofJesusdescribedinMatthew26demonstratesthedepthsofHisloveforHisBride,theChurch.He,whowassinless,diedinourplaceforoursinssothatwemightlivewithHimforeternity.
HowCanYouBeaHero?
Jesusisourrolemodelastheheroicspouse.
12.HowdoesPhilippians2:3-5applytomarriagerelationships?
13.AccordingtoPhilippians2:6-8,whatdidChristgiveupforus?
14.WhataresomepracticalwaysthathumilityandaChristlikeattitudemightbeshowninamarriage?
Keypointstorememberwhenyouarefacedwiththedecisionofwhetherornottobeaheroinclude
Courage—Willyoudotherightthingandtakewhateveractionisnecessaryforthelong-termgoodofyourmarriage?Strength—Willyouresisttemptationandstriveforrighteousness?Nobility—Willyoumaintainhonorandmoralcharacter,evenifyourspousedoesnot?
Considerthemeaningofthesekeypointsandhowtheyrelatetoyourownattitudesandchoicesinyourmarriage.“Icandoeverythingthroughhimwhogivesmestrength”
(Philippians4:13).Withthispromisetuckeddeepwithinourheartsandminds,wecananswerGod’scalltoserveasheroes,makingtherightdecisions—evenwhenthosedecisionsaredifficulttomake.
WateringtheHopeHeroisminarelationshipisshownbydailymakingchoicesinthebestinterestofyourspouse,buildingarespectthatshowsyourspouseheorshecancountonyourcommitmenttoyourmarriage.Heroismisalsoshowninstickingwithsomeonethroughunusuallyroughtimes,asinthecaseofDaveandSue.
DaveandSuehadthekindofmarriageothercouplesaspiredto.Theywereactivelyinvolvedinchurch,devotedtotheirkidsandappearedtoenjoyeachother’scompany.Whatlookedliketheperfectmarriageonthesurfacewas,intruth,onthebrinkofdestruction.
Afterthebirthoftheirthirdchild,Suebecamedifficulttolivewith.Onemomentshewassereneandhappyandthenextshewasscreamingandthrowingthings.Davewouldoftencomehomefromworktofindthechildrencrying,thehouseamessandnodinnerpreparationsbeingmade.Dave’sfrustrationatthesituationbecameanger,
resultinginincreasingargumentswithSue.Hisvisionforahappymarriagewasdrownedoutbymomentaryfeelingsofapathy.Heoftenthought,What’sthepoint?I’vetriedmyhardestandpaidmydues.MaybeIshouldjusttakethekidsandleaveSuebeforeweallself-destruct.ButherealizedthathedidloveSueandthattherewassomethingterriblywrongwithher.Hetriedtogethertogotocounselingortoseeadoctor,butshejustbecamemoreupset,withdrawingtotheirbedroomwheneverhementionedit.Healsotriedtodoasmuchaspossiblearoundthehousetoeaseherburden,butsheseemedtoresentthathewasdoingwhatsheshouldbedoing.Finally,afteraparticularlydifficultweekend,Dave
openedupabouthisproblemstohisbestfriend,Ryan,whoadvisedhimtoseekcounselingforhimself,evenifSuewouldn’tgowithhim.ItwasduringthesecounselingsessionsthatDavelearnedthatSuewasprobablysufferingfromseverepostpartumdepression.Aftermuchprayerandlovingencouragement,Sueagreedtoathoroughphysicalexamwhichrevealedthatshehadachemicalimbalancethatwascausingherdepression.Afterafewmonthsofantidepressanttherapyandcounseling,Suewasbacktonormalandtheirmarriagerelationshipwasonceagainthriving.[2]
15.HowdidDavedemonstrateaChristlikeattitude?
16.WhatmighthavehappenedifDavehadn’ttakentheinitiativetoseekcounseling?
17.Whataresomeotherexamplesofhowonespousemightmakeheroicchoicesforthesakeofhisorherspouse?
Everyathleteknowsthatheorshecan’tbetheherounlessheorsheisactuallyplayinginthegame.Inordertobetheheroinyourmarriage,youmustremaininthegame,remindingyourselfthatittakeshardwork,practice—yes,eachdecisionservesasapracticeforthenext!—andsacrificetowin.WealsohaveGod’sstrengthandwisdomtoupholdusateveryturn.
18.Whataresomereasonsyoumightcontinuetoplayonateamduringagamethatyourteamislosing?
Howcouldthesereasonsforstayinginthegamebeappliedtoamarriageinwhichthingsarenotgoingwell?
Larger-than-lifesacrificeswillnotlikelybeapartofyourdailyroutine,buteverydecisionyoumakethatpromotesthegoodofyourspousemakesyouaheroinyourmarriage.It’sthiskindofheroismthathelpsbuildandmaintainalastingmaritalrelationshipthathonorsGod’splanformarriage.
HarvestingtheFruitShouldIreallytellhimIdon’tcareabouthisstupidcarorthedetailsabouthowhe“tookitfromapileofjunkandmadeamasterpiece”?
She’scryingagain!Ifshedoesn’tknockitoff,I’mouttahere!
Thoughtssuchasthesewillinevitablycreepintoourheadsaswedealwiththerealitiesoflivingincloserelationshipwith
anotherperson.Whentheydo,wearefacedwithachoicebetweenverbalizingourthoughtsaloudorsubmittingthemtoGod,askingHishelptoshowcompassionatelovetowardourspouseandtointentionallyputhisorherneedsaboveourown(seePhilippians2:3-5).Inordertobegintheprocessofstoppingnegativethoughts
beforedamagecanoccur,decideforonedaytomentallytrackthenegativethoughtsyouhave;andwheneveronecomestomind,takedecisiveactiontoturnthatthoughtovertoGod,askingHimtohelp“takecaptiveeverythoughttomakeitobedienttoChrist”(2Corinthians10:5).MemorizingthisverseandotherverseslikeitcanhelpyoureplacenegativethoughtswithChristlikethoughts.
19.Howhasyourspousebeenaheroicmodelinyourmarriage?
20.Howcanyoudemonstratethequalitiesofahero—humility,compassion,courage,strength,nobility,Christlikeattitudes,etc.—inyourmarriage?
Writedownatleastonepracticalactionyouwilltakeduringthenextweektobeamarriageherotoyourspouse.Askafriendtokeepyouaccountabletothisaction.
Aretheresomeactionsorattitudesthatyouhaveshowntowardyourspouseforwhichyouneedtoaskforgiveness?Onaseparatesheetofpaper,writealetteraskingforforgivenessfromyourspouseinspecificareasthatyouknowyouhavehurthimorher.Afteryouandyourspousehavesharedyourletters,praytogether,askingforChrist’shealingofyourrelationshipandforHisstrengthtomaketherightdecisionsinyourmarriage.
THEMYSTERYOF
SubmissionWho,beinginverynatureGod,didnot
considerequalitywithGodsomethingtobegrasped,butmadehimselfnothing,takingtheverynatureofaservant,beingmadein
humanlikeness.Andbeingfoundinappearanceasaman,hehumbledhimselfandbecameobedienttodeath—evendeath
onacross!Philippians2:6-8
Whatcomestomindwhenyouthinkoftheword“submission”?Perhapsyoushudderandthepictureofadoormatimmediatelycomestomind.However,“doormat”and“submission”havedistinctlydifferentmeanings.Apersonwhoactsasadoormatis“onethatsubmitswithoutprotesttoabuseandindignities.”[1]Apersonwhoactsinsubmissionyields“oneselftotheauthorityorwillofanother.”[2]Adoormatchoosestoallowhim-orherselftobewalkedon,whilesubmissionisanactofthewilltoyieldtotheauthorityofanotherperson.“Submission”doesnotmeanthatonemustendurea
disrespectfulorunlovingrelationship(asadoormatwould).Instead,theterm“submission”isusedintheBibletodescribeanaspectofourrelationshipwithotherbelievers—wearetoldto“submittooneanotheroutofreverenceforChrist”
(Ephesians5:21).ItalsodescribesoneofthemajoraspectsofourrelationshipwithGod(seeJames4:7)andanaspectofheavenlywisdom(seeJames3:17).Wearealsoinstructedtobesubmissivetothoseinauthorityoverus(seeRomans13:1-5).JesusChristasksustoreflectHisheartbywillinglyservingothers,eveniftheydon’tdeserveit—andthisshouldespeciallyapplytothewayahusbandandwifearetotreatoneanother.
TillingtheGroundSubmittingtoanotherpersonisprobablyoneofthehardestthingsforushumanstolearntodo.Itisespeciallyhardifthepersontowhomwemustsubmitisatyrant!
1.Haveyoueverhadtobeundersubmissiontoadifficultbossorteacher?Describetheexperience(withoutnamingnames!)andexplainwhatittaughtyou.
2.Haveyoueverhadtotrainsomeonetosubmittoyourauthority?Wasitaneasytask?Whyorwhynot?
Whatdidyoulearnfromtheexperience?
3.Whydoyouthinksubmissiontoanother’sauthorityisdifficult?
Godhassetdownstandardsofsubmissioninallrelationships.HehasalsoprovidedusamodelofsubmissionthroughChrist,whosaid,“ForIhavecomedownfromheavennottodomywillbuttodothewillofhimwhosentme”(John6:38).
PlantingtheSeed
Howmanytimeshaveyouheardsomeonesay,“It’snotfair!”andthensomeoneelseretort,“Whosayslife’ssupposedtobefair”?Probablytoomanytocount!Butwhenyouthinkaboutit,iflifeweretrulyfair,noneofuswouldevergettoheaven!JesusrelinquishedHispowerandknowledgeinheavento
comeintothisworldinhumanform(seePhilippians2:6-8andHebrews2:9-11).Indoingso,HesubmittedtothewillofGodtheFather.ThebookofEphesianshasmuchtoteachusabouthowto
liveouttheChristianlife,anditgivesveryspecificinstructionstohusbandsandwives.
4.AccordingtoEphesians5:21,towhomarewetosubmit?
HowcansubmissiontoothersshowreverenceforChrist?
Mutualsubmissioninamarriagenotonlypreservesorderandharmonyintherelationshipbutalsoincreasesloveandrespectbetweenahusbandandwife.Whetheryouarethehusbandorthewife,knowingyourmaritaldutiesandresponsibilitiesisessentialforahealthymarriage.WhenboththehusbandandwifesubmittotheirrolesasdefinedbyGod,eachendsupservingtheotherandbothfindtruecontentment.
TheSubmissiveLife
“Wives,submittoyourhusbandsastotheLord.ForthehusbandistheheadofthewifeasChrististheheadofthechurch,hisbody,ofwhichheistheSavior.NowasthechurchsubmitstoChrist,soalsowivesshouldsubmittotheirhusbandsineverything”(Ephesians5:22-24).
SubmissionPerhapsnootherteachingintheBiblehascausedmorerancorbetweenthesexesthantheseverses.Thewomen’sliberation
movementscreamsinprotestatthethoughtofsubmissiontoahusband.Butlet’sexaminetheconceptofsubmission.
5.WhatdoyouthinksubmissionmeansinthecontextoftheseversesinEphesians?
6.Howcanawifebesubmissivewithoutallowingherhusbandtouseherasadoormat?
7.Howdoesawife’sallowingherhusbandtobetheleaderinthemarriageservetostrengthenthemarriage?
8.Whatmustbegivenupinordertoempowersomeoneelse?
9.Whatisthehusband’sresponsibilitythatwouldmakesubmissioneasierforthewife?
10.Whatmightbeabenefitofawife’ssubmissiontoherhusbandasdescribedin1Peter3:1-2?
SubmissionisaresponsethatempowersthehusbandtobetheleaderthatGodhascommandedhimtobe.WhendoneinthecontextofChrist’sobediencetoGod,submissionwillnotbedifficult—andremember,GodwillgiveyouthestrengthtoaccomplishHiswillinyourlife(seePhilippians4:13).
Respect“Thewifemustrespectthehusband”(Ephesians5:33).
11.Howdoesshowingrespectdifferfrombeingsubmissive?
12.WhydoyousupposePauladdedthisadmonitiontowives?
AwomaninbiblicalsubmissionisactingoutofrespectforherhusbandandtherolehehasassumedunderGod’sdirection.
HelpTheLordGodsaid,“Itisnotgoodforthemantobealone.Iwillmakeahelpersuitableforhim”(Genesis2:18).WhenGodcreatedEve,HedidnotcreateherasaslavetoAdam.NordidHecreateherfrom“thedustoftheground”(Genesis2:7)asHedidAdam.Instead,GodtookapartofAdamandformedEvefromit(seevv.21-22).Evewasliterally“boneofmybonesandfleshofmyflesh”toAdam(Genesis2:23)—anequaltohim,giventohimbyGodsothathewouldhaveapartneronEarth.
13.Whatcomestomindwhenyouthinkoftheword“helper”?
WhydoyousupposeGodusedtheword“helper”todescribeEve’srole?
14.Inwhatwaysisawifeapartnertoherhusband?
15.AccordingtoTitus2:4-5,whatfiveresponsibilitiesdidPaulencourageolderwomentoteachyoungerwomeninregardtotheirmarriageandfamily?
Whyaretheseattributesimportantinbuildingamarriageandraisingafamily?
Thewifeisinstructedtobesubmissive,showrespectandbeahelpertothehusband.Nowlet’sexaminethehusband’srole.
TheSpiritualLeader
“Wives,submittoyourhusbandsastotheLord.ForthehusbandistheheadofthewifeasChrististheheadofthechurch”(Ephesians5:22-23).Thismaysoundlikeacarte-blancheticketformentolorditovertheirwives,butwiththisrolecomesatremendousamountofresponsibility.Ahusbandmustprotect,careforandevengivehislifeforhiswife,justasJesusdid.Sowhatdotheseinstructionsmeantohusbands?
Sacrifice“Husbands,loveyourwives,justasChristlovedthechurchandgavehimselfupforher”(Ephesians5:25).LikeJesus,thehusbandmustlaydownhislifeforhisbride.Inpracticalterms,thismeanssettingasidehisselfishdesirestofulfillthedesiresofhiswife.Anotherwayahusbandcanshowsacrificeistoadoptan
attitudeofhumility,acceptingthathisweaknesseswillbecomplementedbyhiswife’sstrengths.Forexample,thehusbandmightbegreatatfixingthings,buthecan’tmanagethefamilybudget;thewife,however,canstretchadollarfurtherthananyone.Thus,thehusbandwouldbewisetohumblyturntheresponsibilityofthefamilyfinancesovertohiswife.Forsomementhatmightbeafearfulthingbecausetheymightthinktheyarelosingcontroloftheirlife.
16.ReadEphesians5:28.Whatdoesitmeanforahusbandtolovehiswifeasheloveshimself?
Whyisitdifficulttolovesomeoneelseifyoudonotloveyourself?
17.Whatisoneareainwhichyourspouseisstrongerthanyouinhisorherabilities?Howcouldyouaffirmyourspouseinhisorherareasofstrength?
Protection
“Afterall,nooneeverhatedhisownbody,buthefeedsandcaresforit,justasChristdoesthechurch”(Ephesians5:29).HusbandsaretoldtoloveandcarefortheirwivestothedegreethatChristlovedtheChurch.That’satallorder;however,itiseasierdonewhenthehusbandhasanintimaterelationshipwithGodandHisWord.
18.Whataresomethingsthatcanbuildahedgeofprotectionaroundyourmarriage?
19.ReadEphesians6:10-18.InwhatwayscouldahusbandapplyeachpieceofthearmorofGodtoprotecthiswifeandfamily?
Beltoftruth
Breastplateofrighteousness
Shoesofthegospelofpeace
Shieldoffaith
Helmetofsalvation
SwordoftheSpirit
Godknowsallofthepotentialpitfallsanddangersinlifethatcansnagyourdailysteps,soHeurgeshusbandstofeedandcarefortheirwivesbybuildingahedgeofprotectionbetweentheworld’sdisarrayandtheirChrist-centeredmarriage.Thishedgeofprotectioncanincludeconflict-resolutionskills,financialplanningandBiblestudies(likethisone!)—anything
thatstrengthensyourbondwithyourspouseandwithGodisanotherbranchinyourhedgeofprotection.
HolinessThehusbandisalsoadmonished“tomake[hiswife]holy,cleansingherbythewashingwithwaterthroughtheword,andtopresenthertohimselfasaradiantchurch,withoutstainorwrinkleoranyotherblemish,butholyandblameless”(Ephesians5:26-27).Thisisprobablythemostimportant—andmostdifficult—roleforahusbandtoperform.Heisordainedtobethespiritualleaderofthefamily.
20.EventhemostimportantrelationshipinyourlifeshouldnotbemoreimportantthanyourrelationshipwithGod.Whoorwhatcomesfirstinyourlife?
21.HowcanahusbandfollowtheinstructionsinEphesians5:25-33?
Goddesignedmarriagetobeanequalpartnershipinwhicheachspousetakesonadifferentsetofresponsibilities.Whilethehusbandiscalledtoputasidehisownintereststocareforhiswife,thewifeiscalledtowillinglyfollowherhusband’slead.WheneachspousewillinglyassumeshisorherGod-givenroleinthemarriage,eachwillbeupliftedandgratifiedintherelationship—asGoddesigned.
WateringtheHopeWearenotaskedtodoanythingforourspousethatJesushasnotalreadydoneforHisBride,theChurch.Justasawifeisinstructedtosubmittoherhusband,JesushumbledHimselftothewillofGodtheFather.AndahusbandistolovesacrificiallyjustasJesusdidbydyingonthecrossinordertogiveushopeandeternallife.
RestassuredthatGodwillnotleaveyouwithouttheresourcestodoHiswillinregardtoyourdutiesasahusbandorawife—or,forthatmatter,asabelieverlivinginobediencetoGod.“Ifanyofyoulackswisdom,heshouldaskGod,whogivesgenerouslytoallwithoutfindingfault,anditwillbegivenhim”(James1:5).Hewillalsohelpyouwhenyouaretemptedtosin(see1Corinthians10:13).
22.HowhaveyouexperiencedGod’sprovidingyouwithwhatyouneededinordertoaccomplishwhatHehasinstructedyoutodo?
WhatdoyouneedfromGodrightnowtohelpyouobeyHiscommandsinyourmarriage?
23.AsaresultofJesus’submissiontothewillofGod,Philippians2:9tellsus“Godexaltedhimtothehighestplaceandgavehimthenamethatisaboveeveryname.”WhatmightyourrewardsbewhenyoucontinuallyshowyourlovethroughsubmittingtoGod’swillandservingyourspouse?
24.Submissionandservanthoodareoftenviewedascharacteristicsofsomeonewhoisinferiortoothers.WhatarethecharacteristicsofsomeonewhosubmitstothewillofGodandservesothersunselfishly?
WhoisanexampletoyouofsomeonewholivesoutthecommandsofEphesians5:21-33inhisorherlifeandmarriage?Howhasthispersonimpactedyouandyourmarriage?
Itisourattitudethatdetermineshowwerelatetoothersinallaspectsofourlife.Arewekindorcritical?Doweloveorhate?Areweangryorcontent?Arewequicktojudgeordowegivethebenefitofthedoubt?
HarvestingtheFruitJesusgavethesefinalinstructionstoHisdisciples:“Ifyouloveme,youwillobeywhatIcommand.AndIwillasktheFather,andhewillgiveyouanotherCounselortobewithyouforever—theSpiritoftruth”(John14:15-17).IfyouheedHisWordinyourmarriage—loveandobeyGod—youandyourspousewillneverbealone,fightingtheworldwithoutthehelpofyourheavenlyFather.Why?BecauseyouaresubmittingtoHim,whichallowstheLordtofulfillHisplaninyourrelationship.YouwilllivewiththeHolySpiritinyourlife,andHewillsteeryoutowardahealthyandfulfillingmarriage.
25.Write(onaseparatepieceofpaperifyouneedto)anaffirmationofyourloveandcommitmenttoyourspouse.ThankhimorherforwhatheorshedoestodemonstrateGod’slovetoyou.
Planaquietromantictimetosharewithyourspousewhatyouhavewritten.Praytogether,thankingGodforhowyourspouseblessesyou.Committooneanotherthatyouwillaffirm(compliment)eachotherwhenyounoticeyourspousedemonstratingChristlikebehavior—anddoit!
26.Husbands:Writedownonewayinwhichyoucandemonstratesacrificialservicetoyourwifethisweek.
Wives:Writedownonewayinwhichyoucandemonstratesubmissiontoyourhusbandthisweek.
Shareyourplanwithanaccountabilitypartnerofthesamegender.Besuretocallthispersonduringtheweektoseehowheorsheisdoingandtosharehowyouaredoing.
ChristISOURModel
BeimitatorsofGod,therefore,asdearlylovedchildrenandlivealifeoflove,justasChristlovedusandgavehimselfupforusasafragrantofferingandsacrificetoGod.
Ephesians5:1-2
ThiskeyversetellsusthatwearecalledtolovejustlikeChrist.Isn’titinterestingthatHissacrificeisdescribedas“fragrant”?Howcouldsuchaterrible,crueldeathbedescribed“asafragrantoffering.”DespitethehorrificscenesofHisdeath,wecanrejoiceinHissacrificebecauseweknowitwasagiftwiththequalitiesofasweetanddelicateoffering.DoesthefragranceofChristemanatefromyourmarriage?
AlthoughChristwasnevermarried,wecanlooktoHimastheperfectmodelforhowtosacrificiallyloveandsubmittoourspouse.
TillingtheGroundThemarriagerelationshipisoneofGod’sprimarymeansofshowingHisdivinenaturetotheworld.HaveyoueverseenadevotedcouplethatlovinglyworkedtogethertoshowtheloveofGodtoothers?TheworldtakesnoticewhenamanandawomantrulyloveeachotherthewayChristlovestheChurch.
1.WhosemarriagehasshownyoutheloveofChrist?
2.WhatarethecharacteristicsofaChristlikemarriage?
3.HowcouldyourmarriagereflectGod’sloveforallpeople?
Wehaveachoiceineverydifficultsituation:Wecansuccumbtotheemotionsofthemoment,orwecanturnouremotions,thoughtsandactionsovertoGodandexperienceHisjoy.
PlantingtheSeedBecauseoftheFall,God’soriginalintentionformarriagehasbeencloudedoverandcan’tbecompletelygrasped;however,weneedonlyreadHisWordtodiscoverHisheartformarriage.
Committed
“Igaveyoumysolemnoathandenteredintoacovenantwithyou”(Ezekiel16:8).Goddidn’tjustrevealHimselftoIsrael;Heenteredintoabindingcovenantwithher,acommitmentsobindingthatGodHimselfagreedtopaytheprice—deathtotheonewhobrokethecovenant—ifthepromisewerebroken.HefulfilledthatpromisebysendingJesustoEarthtodieforoursins;andyet,weweretheoneswhoreallydeservedtodieforbreakingthecovenant!
4.ReadMatthew6:19-21.HowdoesthisverseapplytoyourrelationshipwithGod?Whatareyourtreasures—whatismostimportanttoyou?
5.Doyourememberyourmarriagevows?Whatdidyouvowtoyourspouseatyourwedding?
GodisabletoserveasourexemplarymodelformarriagebecauseHehasdemonstrateditforusthroughHiscovenantmarriagetoIsrael.ThiscovenantcommitmentistheveryfoundationofmarriageasGodintended.
Devoted
“HasnottheLORDmadethemone?Infleshandspirittheyarehis.Andwhyone?Becausehewasseekinggodlyoffspring.Soguardyourselfinyourspirit,anddonotbreakfaithwiththewifeofyouryouth”(Malachi2:15).God’spurposeformarriage—thebondbetweenmanandwoman,andtheirraisinggodlychildren—isfoiledwhenwebreakfaithwithourmarriagecovenant.JustasGodpromisessteadfastdevotiontoHispeople,wearetomirrorthesameunconditionaldevotiontoourmarriagepartner.
6.HowdoesMatthew19:4-6showGod’splanformarriage?
Ifahusbandorwifeevenconsidersdivorceasanoptionforresolvingmaritalissues,howdoesthisharmtherelationshipbetweenthecouple?
7.Psalm85:10isalovelypictureofGod’sdesiredrelationshipwithHispeople.Inwhatwayscouldthefollowingfourqualitiesbeshowninactionsthatwouldenhanceamarriage?
Love
Faithfulness
Righteousness
Peace
ItisGod’spurposeformarriagethat“loveandfaithfulnessneverleaveyou”(Proverbs3:3).Ultimately,itisyourattitudeandactionsthatwillrevealwhetheryouaretrulylovingandfaithfulandifyourspousetrulytrustsandknowsthatyourloveisalastingcommitment.
Forgiving
“Bearwitheachotherandforgivewhatevergrievancesyoumayhaveagainstoneanother.ForgiveastheLordforgaveyou”(Colossians3:13).Godknowshowdifficultitisforyoutoforgiveothers—especiallywhenalovedonehaswrongedyou.However,HeasksnomoreofyouthanHecontinuallydemonstratesinforgivingyoursinsagainstHim.WearecalledtoforgivethosewhohurtusbecausewehavebeentherecipientsofHisforgivenessoverandoveragain.
8.AccordingtoEphesians4:32,whyarewetobeforgiving?
HowmuchhasGodforgivenyouinChristJesus?
9.ReadMatthew6:14,Mark11:25andLuke6:37.WhydidJesusemphasizetheimportanceofforgivenessinourrelationships?
AforgivingspiritdemonstratesthatyouhavereceivedGod’sloveandforgivenessandthatyourecognizethesacrificepaidforyoursinsthroughChrist.Whenyouthinkaboutit,thetotalamountofforgivenessyouareaskedtodemonstrateinyourlifetimewillneverequalonemomentofChrist’sagonyonthecrossforyou.
10.ReadMalachi2:13-16.WhatpotentialpitfalldoesGodsternlywarnagainstinthispassage?
11.WhydoyouthinkGodhatesdivorce?(SeeMalachi2:16;Matthew19:8;1Corinthians7:10-12).
Meaning
GodnevergaveuponHismarriagerelationshipwithHispeople.InfactHepaidthehighestprice;HesacrificedHisSon,Jesus,topaythepriceofthebrokencovenant.WhydidJesusdieforus?Hedidn’tdoitforpersonalhappiness;HesufferedagonybothbeforeandduringHiscrucifixion.Heenduredthesufferingforoursakesandforfuturehopeofhappiness.“LetusfixoureyesonJesus,theauthorandperfecterofourfaith,whoforthejoysetbeforehimenduredthecross,scorningitsshame,andsatdownattherighthandofthethroneofGod”(Hebrews12:2,emphasisadded).Personalhappinesscanbeaby-productofmarriage,butitis
notthesolepurposeofmarriage.Truemeaninginmarriageisnotfoundbypursuinghappinessorself-fulfillment;itisdiscoveredbypracticingself-sacrifice.AsAlJanssensays,“Thisisthechallengeformarriage—tosacrificemymomentarydefinitionofhappinessforthelong-termgoodofmyspouse,thusreflectingGod’sheartandearningHispraise,‘Welldone,goodandfaithfulservant.’”
12.Whatisthedifferencebetweenhappinessandjoy?
13.AccordingtoJames1:2-4,whyarewesupposedtobejoyfulindifficulttimes?
InJames1:12,whatistheblessingtothosewhopersevereundertrial?
14.Howcandifficulttimesbringpurposeandmeaningtoamarriagerelationship?
Godwantsustosucceedinourmarriage!WithHishelpwecankeepourmarriagecovenantanddosowithgreatjoy.God
wantsustopassionatelystayintunewithourspouse,todiscoverwhateverisholdinguscaptive—whetheritbealackofcommitment,devotion,forgivenessormeaning—andtosetusfree.
WateringtheHopeConsiderthetruestoryofDavidandVi.
DavidandVimetatchurchinthe1930s,andtheircourtshipoccurredaroundchurchevents.TheyweremarriedatthestartofWorldWarII.Inthe1960s,Vibegantohaveproblemswithforgetfulnessandanxiety.Intheearly70sshewasdiagnosedwithAlzheimer’s.Shebegantoslowlydeteriorate,butDavidcontinuedtocareforher.Despitetheurgingoffriendsasshedeterioratedmoreandmore,herefusedtohaveherputinanursinghome.Hehirednursingcareforthehourshewasatworkbutthentookoverhercareatnight.David’sloveforViprobablykeptheraliveforthenearly15yearsthatshesufferedfromthedisease.Intheend,Daviddiedfirstofabraintumor,butVijoinedhiminheaven43hourslater.Hischildrennotedthattheirfatherbecameagentlermanduringhiswife’sillness.ThegreatestlegacythatDavidlefttohischildrenand
hiscommunitywashisexampleofsacrificialloveforthefinal15yearsofhismarriagetoVi.Hisactionsshowedthepowerofloveandcovenant.[1]
15.WhataboutthestoryofDavidandViencouragesyou?
16.WhatwasthefruitofDavid’sdevotiontohiswife?
17.DoyouknowacouplelikeDavidandVi?Howcouldyoubeofhelptosuchacouple?
Sacrificiallovecanbedemonstratedinavarietyofways—fromasubtlechangeofattitudetothedailycareofaterminallyillspouse.Whateverformofexpression,thesacrificialloveyoushowtoyourspouse(andothers)willbearfruitforGod’skingdom.
HarvestingtheFruit“Guardyourselfinyourspirit,anddonotbreakfaith”(Malachi2:15-16).ThisishowwecanstaycommittedtofollowingChrist’sexample.WemusthavethesamecommitmenttomarriagethatGodhadforHispeople.Commitmentisthedoor,andChrististhekeythatwillunlockthepossibilityforyoutoexperienceatrulyfulfilledandcommittedmarriage.
18.HowdoesColossians3:1-2relatetoJesusasyourrolemodelforlovingsacrificially?
19.WhatstepswillyoutaketodaytoensurethatwiththeloveofJesusyouunlockthedoortoafulfillingmarriage?
Aswaterreflectsaface,soaman’sheartreflectstheman.Proverbs27:19
TheultimategoalforyourmarriageshouldbethatitreflectsChrist’simage.Makeadatewithyourspousetodiscussoneortwoareasinwhichyoudonotseeeye-to-eyeonaparticularissue.Planforthistimetogether,outliningissuestobediscussedandmakingapactwithyourspousethatthistimewillnotserveasatimetoargueoverdifferingpointsofview;instead,itwillbeatimetofindunderstandingorasolutionforthesituation.Ifyoufindyourselfbecomingargumentativeinyourdiscussion,reignyourselfinwithSolomon’swisdom:“A
man’spridewillbringhimlow,butthehumbleinspiritwillretainhonor”(Proverbs29:23,NKJV)!
LEADER’S
DiscussionGuide
GeneralGuidelines
1.Ifatallpossible,thegroupshouldbeledbyamarriedcouple.Thisdoesnotmeanthatbothspousesneedtobeleadingthediscussions;perhapsonespouseisbetteratfacilitatingdiscussionswhiletheotherisbetteratrelationshipbuildingororganization—buttheleadercoupleshouldshareresponsibilitieswhereverpossible.
2.Atthefirstmeeting,besuretolaydownthegroundrulesfordiscussions,stressingthatfollowingtheseruleswillhelpeveryonefeelcomfortableduringdiscussiontimes.a.Nooneshouldshareanythingofapersonalorpotentiallyembarrassingnaturewithoutfirstaskinghisorherspouse’spermission.
b.Whateverisdiscussedinthegroupmeetingsistobeheldinstrictestconfidenceamonggroupmembersonly.
c.Alloweveryoneinthegrouptoparticipate.However,asaleader,don’tforceanyonetoansweraquestionifheorsheisreluctant.Besensitivetothedifferentpersonalitiesandcommunicationstylesamongyourgroupmembers.
3.Fellowshiptimeisveryimportantinbuildingsmall-grouprelationships.Providingbeveragesand/orlightrefreshmentseitherbeforeoraftereachsessionwillencourageatimeofinformalfellowship.
4.Mostpeopleliveverybusylives;respectthetimeofyourgroupmembersbybeginningandendingmeetingsontime.
HowtoUsetheMaterial
1.Eachsessionhasmorethanenoughmaterialtocoverina45-minuteteachingperiod.Youwillprobablynothavetimetodiscusseverysinglequestionineachsession,soprepareforeachmeetingbyselectingquestionsyoufeelaremostimportanttoaddressforyourgroup;discussotherquestionsastimepermits.Besuretosavethelast10minutesofyourmeetingtimeforeachcoupletointeractindividuallyandtopraytogetherbeforeadjourning.OptionalEight-SessionPlan—Youcaneasilydivide
eachsessionintotwopartsifyou’dliketocoverallofthematerialpresentedineachsession.Eachsectionofthesessionhasenoughquestionstodivideinhalf,andtheBiblestudysections(PlantingtheSeed)aredividedintotwoorthreesectionsthatcanbetaughtinseparatesessions.
2.Eachspouseshouldhavehisorherowncopyofthebookinordertopersonallyanswerthequestions.Thegeneralplanofthisstudyisthatthecouplescompletethequestionsathomeduringtheweekandthenbringtheirbookstothemeetingtosharewhattheyhavelearnedduringtheweek.However,therealityofleadingsmallgroupsinthisday
andageisthatsomememberswillfinditdifficulttodothehomework.Ifyoufindthattobethecasewithyourgroup,consideradjustingthelessonsandhavingmemberscompletethestudyduringyourmeetingtimeasyouguidethemthroughthelesson.Ifyouusethismethod,besuretoencouragememberstosharetheirindividualanswerswiththeirspousesduringtheweek(perhapsonadatenight).
SessionOne HeroesMaketheRightChoices
ANotetoLeaders:ThisBiblestudyseriesisbasedonTheMarriageMasterpiecebyAlJanssen.Wehighlyrecommendthatyoureadchapters14and15inpreparationforleadingthisstudy.
BeforetheMeeting
1.Gathermaterialsformakingnametags.Alsogatherpensorpencils,paper,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.
2.Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3.Readthroughyourownanswersfromthesessionandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightanykeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.
4.Prepareslipsofpaperwithreferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.
5.Collectitemsneededforeitheroftheice-breakergames(seebelow).
IceBreakers
1.Ifthisisthefirstmeetingforthiscouplesgroup,haveeveryoneintroducethemselvesandtellthegroupabriefsummaryofhowtheymettheirspouse,howlongtheyhavebeenmarriedandoneinterestingfactabouttheirspouse.Besuretoremindthemnottorevealanythingabouttheirspousethatthespousewouldbeuncomfortablesharinghim-orherself.
2.Onseparateslipsofpaper,writethenamesoffictionalorrealheroesorheroines(e.g.,Superman,MightyMouse,WonderWoman,policeofficer,rescueworker,etc.).Youcanplaythegameinoneoftwoways:a.Option1:PlayagameofPictionary.Youwillneedawhiteboardorlargenewsprintpadandtheappropriatefelt-tippens.Havegroupmembersformtwoteams.Thefirstpersondrawspicturestogethisorherteammemberstoguessthenameofthehero.Allowonly30secondsformemberstodraw.
b.Option2:Youwillneedmaskingtapetoattachtheslipsofpapertothebacksofmembersastheyarrive.Allowthemaboutfiveminutestogoaroundtheroomaskingothergroupmembersyes-or-noquestionstotrytofigureoutthecharacter’snamethatisattachedtotheirback.
3.Begininprayer.
Discussion
1.TillingtheGround—Thissectionisforgettingthegroupinvolvedinthetopicathand.Thequestionswillusuallybeofalightertone.Discussquestions1through3.
2.PlantingtheSeed—ThissectionistheBiblestudyandisintendedtogivethebiblicalconceptsforthesession.Foralittlefun,askforfourvolunteerstoactouttheGenesis3storyasyoureaditaloud.ThecharactersareAdam,Eve,theserpentandthetree.Besuretoreadslowlyenoughforthemtoactoutwhatyouread.Afterthevolunteershavebeenapplaudedfortheirgreatactingskills,discussquestions4through14.
3.WateringtheHope—ThecasestudyandquestionsinthissectionwillhelpmembersbringtheBiblestudyintotherealityoftheirownexpectationsversusGod’splan.Don’tneglectthispartofthestudy,asitbringsthewholelessonintothehereandnow,applyingGod’sWordtodailylife.Havethewholegroupdiscussquestions15through18.
4.HarvestingtheFruit—Thissectionismeanttohelptheindividualcouplesapplythelessontotheirownmarriagesandcanbedealtwithinseveralways.a.Allowthecouplesone-on-onetimeattheendofthemeeting.Thiswouldrequirespaceforthemtobealone,withenoughspacebetweencouplestoallowforquiet,privateconversations.Ifcoupleshavealreadyansweredthequestions
individually,nowwouldbethetimetosharetheiranswers.Giveatimelimit,emphasizingthattheirdiscussionscanbecontinuedathomeiftheyarenotabletoanswerallofthequestionsinthetimeallotted.Ifcoupleshavenotansweredthequestionsbeforethe
meeting,havethemanswerthemtogethernow.Thisworksbestwhenthereisopen-endedtimeforthecouplestostayuntiltheyhavecompletedtheirdiscussionandwill
requirethattheleadersstayuntilthelastcouplehasfinished.
b.Instructcouplestocompletethissectionathomeduringtheweekafterthemeeting.Thiswillgivethemquietandprivatetimetodealwithanyissuesthatmightcomeupandtospendallthetimeneededtocompletethediscussion.Youwillwanttofollowupatthenextmeetingtoholdcouplesaccountableforcompletingthispartofthelesson.
c.Attimesitmightbeadvantageoustopairuptwocouplestodiscussthesequestions.Thiswouldhelpbuildaccountabilityintothestudy.
Allowtimefortheindividualcouplestomeettogethertocompletethissectionofthequestions.
5.CloseinPrayer—Animportantpartofanysmall-grouprelationshipisthetimespentinprayerforoneanother.Thismayalsobedoneinanumberofways:a.Havecoupleswriteouttheirspecificprayerrequestsontheindexcards.Theserequestsmaythenbesharedwiththewholegrouportradedwithanothercoupleasprayerpartnersfortheweek.Ifrequestsaresharedwiththewholegroup,prayasagroupbeforeadjourningthemeeting;ifrequestsaretraded,allowtimefortheprayer-partnercouplestopraytogether.
b.Gatherthewholegrouptogetherandleadcouplesinguidedprayer.
c.Haveindividualcouplespraytogether.d.Splitthemembersintotwogroupsbygender.Havethemprayovertheirmarriages,askingGodtorevealanypointswheretheymightbeactingunfaithfultowardtheirspouse.
AftertheMeeting
1.Evaluate—Spendtimeevaluatingthemeeting’seffectiveness.
2.Encourage—Duringtheweek,trytocontacteachcouple(throughphonecalls,notesofencouragement,e-mailsorinstantmessaging)andwelcomethemtothegroup.Makeyourselfavailabletoansweranyquestionsorconcernstheymayhaveandgenerallygettoknowthem.Thiscontactmightbestbedonebythehusband-leadercontactingthemenandthewife-leadercontactingthewomen.
3.Equip—CompletetheBiblestudy,evenifyouhavepreviouslygonethroughthisstudytogether.
4.Pray—Prayerfullyprepareforthenextmeeting,prayingforeachcoupleandyourownpreparation.DiscusswiththeLordanyapprehension,excitementoranythingelsethatisonyourmindregardingyourBiblestudymaterialand/orthegroupmembers.Ifyoufeelinadequateorunprepared,askforstrengthandinsight.Ifyoufeeltiredorburdened,askforGod’slightyoke.Whateveritisyouneed,askGodforit.Hewillprovide!
Reminder:Inyourdesiretoservethemembersofyourgroup,don’tneglectyourownmarriage.Spendqualitytimewithyourspouseduringtheweek!
SessionTwo TheMysteryofSubmission
BeforetheMeeting
1.Gatherpensorpencils,paper,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.
2.Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3.Readthroughyourownanswersfromthesessionandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightanykeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.
4.Prepareslipsofpaperwithreferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.
IceBreakers
1.Handanindexcardtoeachmemberasheorsheenterstheroom.Encouragethemtoatleastfillintheirnamesandphonenumbers,eveniftheydon’thaveanyrequests.Remindmembersthateveryoneneedssomeonetoprayforthem,evenifthereisnospecificneed.
2.Invitecouplestosharehowtheyappliedtotheirmarriagerelationshipwhattheylearnedinlastweek’ssession.
3.Askvolunteerstoshareonepraiseorgoodthingthathappenedduringthepastweek.ThisisagoodchanceforthosewhomightnotalwaysseethegoodinthingstolearnhowtoexpressgratitudeandthanksgivingtoGod,nomatterwhatthecircumstance.
4.Beginwithprayer.
Discussion
1.TillingtheGround—Invitevolunteerstosharetheiranswerstoquestions1and2.Inviteotherstosharetheiranswerstoquestion3.
2.PlantingtheSeed—Havegroupmembersformtwosmallergroupsbasedongendertodiscussquestions4through21.Invitememberstopairupwithanaccountabilitypartnerofthesamegendertocallduringtheweektoencourageoneanother.
3.WateringtheHope—Bringthewholegroupbacktogethertodiscussquestions22through24.
4.HarvestingtheFruit—Invitegroupmemberstojoinwiththeirspousetosharetheiraffirmationswithoneanother.
5.CloseinPrayer—Distributeprayerrequestcardsandallowtimeforcouplestopraytogetherforthememberswhoseprayerrequeststheyhavereceived.
AftertheMeeting
1.Evaluate—Spendtimeevaluatingthemeeting’seffectiveness.
2.Encourage—Duringtheweek,trytocontacteachcouple,encouragingthemtocontacttheirprayerpartners.
3.Equip—CompletetheBiblestudy.4.Pray—Prayerfullyprepareforthenextmeeting,prayingforeachcoupleandyourownpreparation.
SessionThree TheMissionofSelf-Sacrifice
BeforetheMeeting
1.Gatherpensorpencils,paper,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.
2.Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3.Readthroughyourownanswersfromthesessionandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightanykeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.
4.Prepareslipsofpaperwithreferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.
5.Obtainanewsprintpadorposterboardandafelt-tippenoruseawhiteboardorchalkboard.
6.PrepareabrieftestimonyofhowyoucametoknowJesusasSaviorandLordofyourlife.Orcallamemberofthegroupandaskifheorshewouldshareabrieftestimony.
IceBreakers
1.Handanindexcardtoeachmemberasheorsheenterstheroom.
2.Share,orhavethememberyoucontactedshare,thetestimonyofhowyou(orheorshe)cametoacceptJesusasSavior.
Discussion
1.TillingtheGround—Encouragememberstosharetheiranswerstoquestions1and2.Inviteonevolunteertosharehisorheranswertoquestion3.
2.PlantingtheSeed—Discussquestions4through13withthewholegroup.
3.WateringtheHope—Haveeachcouplepairupwithanothercoupletodiscussquestions14through16.Haveeachfoursomesharetheirresponsetoatleastoneoftheincidents.
4.HarvestingtheFruit—Allowtimeforindividualcouplestosharetheiranswerswithoneanother.
5.CloseinPrayer—HavecouplesrejointhecouplewithwhomtheysharedtheWateringtheHopediscussion.Instructthemtoswapprayerrequestcardsandspendafewminutesinprayertogether.Encourageeachcoupletocalltheirprayer-partnercoupleduringtheweekandshareanypraises,resultsorfurtherrequests.
Note:BesensitivetogroupmemberswhomightnotknowChristasSaviorandLord.BeavailableafterthemeetingtoansweranyquestionstheymighthaveconcerningtheirrelationshipwithGod.BeopentotheHolySpirit’sleadinginaskingifanyonewouldliketomakeacommitmentorrededicationtotheLordatthistime.
AftertheMeeting
1.Evaluate.2.Encourage—Duringtheweek,calleachcoupleandaskiftheyhavecalledtheirprayerpartners.Encouragethemastheycontinuetocompletethestudy.IfanyoneacceptedChristduringthemeeting,followupbymakinganappointmenttomeetwithhimorher.Caution:Itisbestthatyouandyourspousemeetwithindividualstogether.Oryoucouldmeetone-on-onewiththepersonofthesamegender.
3.Equip—CompletetheBiblestudy.4.Pray—Prayerfullyprepareforthenextmeeting,prayingforeachcoupleandyourownpreparation.Whateveritisyouneed,askGodforit.Hewillprovide!
SessionFour ChristIsOurModel
BeforetheMeeting
1.Gatherpensorpencils,paper,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.
2.Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3.Readthroughyourownanswersfromthesessionandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightanykeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.
4.Prepareslipsofpaperwithreferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.
IceBreakers
1.Handanindexcardtoeachmemberasheorsheenterstheroom.
2.Invitememberstoshareanypraisesorresultsfortheirprayerrequestsfromtheprevioussession.
3.Formtwosmallergroupsandhavethembrainstormthedefinitionsof“joy”and“happiness.”Afterabouttwominuteshavethemsharetheirdefinitionswiththewholegroup.
Discussion
1.TillingtheGround—Discussquestions1through3withthewholegroup.
2.PlantingtheSeed—Haveeachcouplepairupwithanothercouple(ifpossible,withtheirprayerpartnersforthepastweek)anddiscussquestions4through14.
3.WateringtheHope—BringthewholegrouptogethertodiscussthestoryofDavidandVi.Havethembrainstormideasabouthowtheycouldhelpcouplesinsimilarsituations.
4.HarvestingtheFruit—Inviteindividualcouplestoprivatelysharetheiranswerstoquestions18and19.
5.CloseinPrayer—Bringthewholegrouptogether.Invitesentenceprayersofpraiseandthanksgiving.Forthebenediction,readaloudEphesians5:1-2:“BeimitatorsofGod,therefore,asdearlylovedchildrenandlivealifeoflove,justasChristlovedusandgavehimselfupforusasafragrantofferingandsacrificetoGod.”
AftertheMeeting
1.Evaluate—Shareabouttheimportanceoffeedback,andaskmemberstotakethetimethisweektowriteareviewofthegroupmeetingsandthentoreturnthemtoyou.
2.Encourage—CalleachcoupleduringthenextweekandinvitethemtojoinyouforthenextstudyintheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeries.
3.Equip—BeginpreparingandbrainstormingnewactivitiesforthenextBiblestudy.
4.Pray—PraisetheLordfortheworkHehasdoneinthelivesofthecouplesinthestudy.Continuetoprayforthesecouplesastheyapplythelessonslearnedinthelastfewweeks.
Notes
SessionOne[1].LindaJ.WaiteandMaggieGallagher,TheCaseforMarriage(NewYork:
Doubleday,2000),p.148.[2].Thisisacompilationofseveralstories.Anyresemblancetoanactualsituation
ispurelycoincidental.
SessionTwo[1].Merriam-Webster’sCollegiateDictionary,10thedition,s.v.“doormat.”[2].Merriam-Webster’sCollegiateDictionary,10thedition,s.v.“submission.”
SessionFour[1].Ibid.,pp.129-131.